Searching For Signal

“True Blood” - Season 4, Episode 4

2011-07-18T12:36:00.000-05:00

We start out right after Eric has made a snack out of Sookie’s fairy godmother. He smacks his lips, then falls flat on his face. Sookie is alarmed at first, then Eric raises his head, eyes all woozy, mouth all grinning. Apparently home boy is drunk on fairy liqueur. Sookie is not impressed. “You drank the whole fairy! You’re going to your room.!”

No, Eric declares, he is not. He’s schnockered and wants to get rowdy, as any decent person should want after knocking back some Tinkerbell tequila. First he tries to sample some Sookie, but instantly stops when she hollers at him. Then he decides that he wants to run free and wild like the gazelles before they get shot on The Nature Channel. Sookie ixnays that. “It’ll be dawn soon!” Eric doesn’t care, doing the vampire dash and zipping off into the forest.

Leaving another mess for Sookie to agonize over while not wearing a bra. Poor thing. Guess she won’t be taking one of her beloved showers any time soon.

Roll opening credits. Abusive police, snakes, and tiny children receiving Klan training.

Scene with Bill and Pam. Bill: I’m looking for Eric. Pam: No clue. Bill: It would be treason if you knew and didn’t tell, since I’m the sheriff and all. Pam: I wouldn’t take the chance. But since we’re chatting, I think you purposely sent Eric to that coven just so his mind would get jacked. Bill: None of your business, since I’m the sheriff and all. Pam: “You like the feel of that crown, don’t you?”

Jason wakes up on that nasty cot, and discovers one of the older Panther Women astraddle his manly bits, workin’ hard for the money. Jason is not pleased. “Get off of me!” Woman is devastated by the unexpected dismount, shedding tears, then hollers out “Next!”, indicating we apparently have a line of unwashed hillbillies queued up at the door.

Said door flies open, and Ugly Old Luther leans in to yell “Breed, Ghost Daddy, breed!” (a vision I never want to see again, ever) before sending in the next ticket holder, Little Becky, who looks to be maybe 12-years old. (Um, better not be going there, producer people.) Becky is defiant at first, whipping out a knife and promising “I’ll cut off your thing if you put up a fight!”. But Jason realizes this is her first time at the rodeo, and she’s only doing what she’s been told to do.

He’s very sweet. “This ain’t the way it should be.” Then he comforts her with visions of nice boys who buy presents before things get tawdry and messy. Then he gets real. “Cut me loose. I’m scared I’ll die here.” Becky: “So am I.” Then she uses the knife to slash the ropes that surely smell like week-old Jason by now.

Jason rushes out the door, wallops Nasty Luther (yay!), and heads for the hills.

Cut to Nan (she of the murky position with the Vampire League of America), still wearing that severe hairstyle and chewing out Bill for sending Eric to the coven. He whines that they are potentially powerful witches who can control the dead. Nan is not impressed. “They don’t make necromancers the way they used to!” She orders him to clean this mess up because she can’t go to The Authority. (Just who are they again?) She and her hair utter one final warning. “No dead humans!”

On this show? Has she been watching the episodes?

Next we have Marnie, tossing in her sleep and dreaming about a witch-burning back in the day. She’s in the scene, listening to two religiously-dressed men getting far to excited about the proper sequence of burning the body parts of a witch. Dream Marnie tries to stop the barbeque, hollering and such, but the program has already been printed and there ain’t no stoppin’ it now. Probably some type of union issue. Flames crackle.

We see that the witch on the menu is the same ghostly person who was wearing nite-nite clothes and sitting in a nearby chair while Marnie tried to slice-and-dice her wrist with a little too much exuberance in the last episode. Marnie, bad hairstyle blowing in the wind, communicates with the Rotisserie Woman in some guttural foreign language, exchanging words that are probably not recipes.

Alcide arrives at Sookie’s house, apparently responding to her phone call that she needed help finding Eric. This means that Alcide needs to do that nifty thing where he turns into a wolf, but it also means that he has to do the irritating thing they do on this show where people start to drop their pants in the midst of shifting but before we get to see the crotch goods. In this particular instance, Alcide torments the viewing audience by fiddling with his unzipped jeans for a very long time before he finally races off, wolf-form, the scent of Eric in his nostrils courtesy of Eric’s blanket that Sookie shoved in his face while Alcide played with his zipper.

Maxine shows up at Merlotte’s and stomps toward Sam, all in a huff and demanding to know what he has done with “her boy”. Sam plays ignorant at first, babbling about Hoyt (Maxine’s real son) when she’s really talking about Tommy (Maxine’s surrogate son after Hoyt discovered a certain thing called free will). Sam finally tells Maxine that Tommy’s a big boy and he’ll be fine. Maxine: You better not be messin’ with me, because “I’m a lioness!”

That’s not the word I would use, Maxine.

Cut to the Panther People camp grounds, where Felton walks inbredly up to Little Becky, all hot for her now that she’s done grated the cheese with Jason. When she tries to avoid his advances, he gets a good look at her and somehow is able to discern that she ain’t bumped nothin’. He starts a shoutin’ and he and Crystal rush into Jason’s former suite and find Nasty Luther tied up in Jason’s place. Time for Plan B. Dirty folk start turning into Panthers left and right.

Next we have Marnie, with Jesus, Lafayette and Tara trying to convince her that she needs to reverse the spell she put on Eric. Marnie: It wasn’t me, it was her, I just don’t know who she is. Laff: Get her on the Goddess Line. Otherwise, we all gonna be very unhappy and dead. Marnie tries contacting her little spiritual friend, but nothing happens. Tara remains unsatisfied with her decision to leave New Orleans and come back to this dump.

Now we have Alcide (wolf form) and Sookie (perky-ponytail form) wandering through the woods, with Sookie babbling away about nothing. Just to shut her up, Alcide manages to find Eric, who is currently swimming naked in a convenient pond. And Eric is doing so in full daylight. Oh? Alcide transitions back, which causes Eric to instinctively go on alert (werewolf!), and they begin to bicker and snarl, both of them naked and dripping wet, with Sookie enjoying the view.

Sadly, the sun finally starts to burn Eric, so Sookie and Alcide have to cover him up in the blanket that Sookie has been dragging along, and the three of them head back to Sookie’s house, because nothing bad ever happens there.

Cue Jason running through the woods, with panther cries filling the air. He takes off his shirt and throws it far in one direction, grabs a stick, rubs dirt all over himself to disguise the smell, and then heads in the opposite direction of the shirt-throwing. Which means that Jason has somehow grown smarter in the last few days. Interesting. Making a note in my journal that perhaps stupid people should be tied to cots more often.

Tommy comes wandering up to some crappy trailer in the middle of nowhere, hollering for his momma, Melinda (who is also Sam’s mom). She comes running up lugging pails of water, because indoor-plumbing is apparently not one of the offerings at this fine establishment. It seems that Melinda tracked Tommy down and called him, so’s he’d stop by and sit a spell.

And she’s got great news! She done ditched Joe Lee, her trashy beau that walked around in underwear at inappropriate times and made Melinda participate in dogfights. Hurray! Tommy has terrific news himself. He can read! Oh, and Sam shot me in the leg. He never cared about me.

Speaking of, Sam arrives at Luna’s house. He’s being spontaneous and all with the dropping by, just like she’s been encouraging him to do. Except she’s acting all jittery, looking about and such and proclaiming that “now’s not a good time”. Cue a little urchin to run to the door. “Mommy!” Can your friend come in and play Barbies with us? Please? Because I’m a demonstrative child and demand satisfaction. Luna reluctantly invites Sam in, glancing up and down the street as she does so.

Something is a bit wrong about this development. We’ll see.

Another scene with Jason running and panthers crying. We learn nothing new.

Eric and Sookie are in his cubby at Sookie’s house. She’s telling him he needs to get to bed, if he stays awake he’ll bleed all over the place and she’s not in the mood to clean the mess up. (What is that all about, the bleeding if a vamp stays awake? Did I miss a memo?) Eric wants her to stay with him. Sookie declines. The lighting down here just doesn’t accent my golden locks in the manner I see fit.

She climbs back upstairs, where Alcide has been listening to the entire conversation, because when you have a secret life as a wolf, you need to be aware of what people are talking about. He tells Sookie that it’s nuts that Eric is here, totally dangerous. Sookie counters with the fact that Eric is hooked up again with Nasty Debbie, the skank who has poor people skills and tried to kill Sookie. Game even.

Eric hears all of this in his cubby, his ears cocked in the boyishly-charming manner he has had since Marnie and the Minions did the redecorating with his mind. (To be honest, a bit of me really misses the former Eric. Something about that Nordic dominance thing, sayin’.)

Above ground, Sookie and Alcide hug it out, bordering on the line of sudden French-kissing but not quite getting there. Sookie: “Friends?” Alcide: “Keep in touch.” (He SO wants her.)

Cut to Jason in a tree, carving that stick into a stake. One of the Panther People pads up, and Jason leaps on it, jamming the stake in an I-mean-business way. The panther transitions to a dying Felton (the crowd roars), then another panther moseys up and becomes a breast-swinging Crystal. She kicks the corpse of Felton and utters “I’m the Big Momma Kitty now!” We can be together!

Oh my.

But Jason is having none of their former relationship. “We ain’t nothin’ but a disaster!” I hope to never see you again. Crystal is not perturbed, convinced he will be wantin’ some panther lovin’ soon. “I’ll be waitin!” Next full moon!

Next up is Bill and Portia, with Bill about to meet Portia’s grandmamma, Caroline. (What’s up with that? I thought their relationship was purely physical. People just lie in this town all the time.) But then I’m no longer troubled when we see that Grandmama Caroline is being played by Katherine Helmond. All is forgiven, love her.

As Caroline takes a seat, Sheriff Andy comes tromping down the stairs and tries to head out for the night. (He lives with his grandmother? Explains a lot.) Grandmama Bellefleur is not putting up with that, ordering Andy to sit and visit. Then she proceeds to berate him, in a manner that indicates the berating is a family tradition when it comes to Andy. Surprisingly, Bill defends Andy, with Andy being an officer of the law and all. What’s his angle?

Back over to Luna’s house, where Little Emma is being rambunctious but finally forced to go brush her teeth. Luna and Sam chat about raising “shifter kids”, and we learn that Emma’s daddy was a werewolf. Luna has to be careful because Baby Daddy watches her all the time, he’s extremely jealous. Sam assures her that he ain’t skerred. But we all know that within two episodes something unsatisfactory is going to develop and people will have to run from things very fast.

Cut to the Moon Goddess Emporium, which now looks amazingly like The Magic Shop in the “Buffy” series, with Marnie flipping through ancient texts, finding nothing helpful, and Laff, Tara and Jesus standing around and being unimpressed. Jesus convinces Marnie that she just needs to try harder with the mind-meld thing. Marnie scrunches her face and utters incantations. Lo and behold, a book falls off a shelf, splaying open right at a spell to erase the erasing of memory. See? Listen to Jesus.

Alcide arrives home, and he is greeted by Debbie, and they sit on the couch and make nice. Things get a bit awkward when she sniffs his shirt and is able to tell that he “shifted” today (you can ascertain this by sniffing?), and he has to spill that he helped Sookie find a vampire. But Debbie is fine with that. “I’m not mad. You’re a good man. I ain’t worried about no Sookie.”

Something tells me she actually is. In an I’ll-kill-me-a-bitch sort of way.

Back over to Grandmama Caroline Bellefleur’s house, where she is babbling to Bill about the genealogy of her family. Apparently this is something she does far too often, because Andy gets fed up and leaves, which is fine, don’t care. Then Caroline has a senior moment and forgets a branch in the family tree, so she says to Portia “Get the family bible. And a little whiskey.”

Love her.

Bill offers to read the faded penmanship in the bible, which Caroline happily agrees to since she can’t see it anyway and there’s an alcoholic beverage to be consumed. Bill proceeds with the family linkage, and is startled to discover that one of those links is a certain “Elizabeth Harris”. Both Caroline and Bill react to this news as if they’ve just received unexpected enemas. Caroline: “You cannot do this.” Bill: “Forgive me. I didn’t know.” Then Caroline races upstairs to bed, her whiskey shockingly unfinished.

Bill tries to scurry forth out of the house (“I must go. We cannot see each other.”), but Portia is not so complacent about the matter. “I will not let this go.” Bill pauses dramatically, then pronounces “You are my great-great-great-granddaughter!”

So? This is Bon Temps. Ain’t nobody up in this grill that ain’t done nothin’ a wee bit twisted. Just settle down.

Zip over to Terry holding that little Damien Baby that Arlene shot out, despite attempts to stop such by drinking nasty concoctions in a chalk circle. Terry is talking about what a lovely family the baby has, pointing out the family members snoozing on the living room couch. Then Terry stupidly sets the baby down in his play area, all alone, and goes off to figure out why the dryer is buzzing. (Um, maybe the clothes are dry?)

When Terry returns, he discovers that apparently the demon child has snatched up a crayon and scribbled “Baby Not Yours!” on the wall. Well, then. That’s a bit unsettling. Of course, Arlene chooses this exact moment to terminate her slumber session on the couch, review the proffered graffiti, and begin screaming.

Sookie and Eric, once again in his cubby. Sookie: “You’re too quiet,” (What’s wrong with quiet? Quiet is good.) Eric: “I’m just being me.” Discussion ensues wherein Sookie points out that Eric is not acting like, well, the other Eric. Eric: “You want the Eric that doesn’t feel. Kiss me.” Sookie actually looks like she’s about to do so, when Eric mucks it up with a sudden vampiric realization. “There’s someone at your door.” Sookie, because by now she knows to always have a plan if the doorbell should ring, tells Eric to stay put.

It’s Bill.

Sookie: Whaddya want? Bill: Eric. Sookie: He gone. I thought you’d come through for me and took care of it. Bill: The one place he owns we didn’t search was here. Sookie: Well, my house is all clean and all, don’t need dirty people touching things. Bill: Sookie, I gotta do this. Sookie: When have I ever lied to you?

Um, right about now, that’s when.

Bill shoves the door open, with Sookie and her form-fitting top being shoved to the side, then Bill pauses. “You’re right.” You’ve never lied to me. Then he leaves.

Fool.

Jason, still running from the panthers even though you’d think Crystal Meth would have pulled back on the hunting down of her one true medicated love, stumbles along the side of a road, wretches up something in a graphic fashion, and then collapses on the ground with his head sticking out into the pavement of the roadway. (Dude, really?) A beat-up truck comes tooling along, because they always do in Louisiana, and it just happens to be Jessica and Hoyt, driving home from their latest misunderstanding of one another.

They screech to a halt, hop out of the pickup, realize they know the person lying in the road (which shouldn’t be surprising, since it’s Bon Temps, with its population of 25) and proceed to aid Jason in his dilemma. Which means that Jessica rips open a wrist and proffers her dripping arm to Ghost Daddy.

Tommy and mom Melinda again, with Tommy boasting about how he can read actual words now. Melinda is overjoyed. “I’m fixin’ to bust I’m so proud.” (Really? Did you even try to put that child in school? Hello?) Tommy then moves on to how wretched of a human being Joe Lee was, forcing his wife to be in dogfights and such, even when she was way too old for canine shenanigans. Hell, in dog years, she must be older than Noah.

Lo and behold, but not really surprisingly, here comes Joe Lee hisself, stomping up and throwing a wicked chain around Tommy. You mine now, bitch. (Melinda: “Honey, we missed you!” This is so Jerry Springer material.) Joe Lee: You will learn obedience. This is your last free breath. Then Joe Lee and his unchanged underwear drag Tommy off somewhere.

Sort of thinking that Tommy getting shot by Sam was the least of his problems.

Final scene with Marnie, Laff, Jesus, Tara and Pam standing around in a field at night. (They couldn’t meet at Starbucks?) Pam is being super bitchy, despite Tara holding a gun on her, which is not surprising. Laff tries to get Pam to understand that she needs to hold off on the attitude. Pam refuses to understand anything, other than she wants these people to fix the issue with Eric pronto.

Marnie starts in with some more of the creepy mumbling and summoning of the spirits. Pam gives this about two seconds and then goes postal. “This is BS!” And then she spits out that Marnie is retarded. (Oh, girl, you shouldn’t do that, I don’t care what TV show you star in.) But the remark apparently jump starts Marnie, who vogues into that foreign-speaking whatever that knows all the nifty spells. Marnie directs her flow of unintelligible invective at Pam.

Pam’s face begins to rot. Stupidly, Pam starts fingering at the abscesses on her face, and is soon pulling away layers of skin, an action that probably excites people who revel in such things, but does nothing for me except force me to rethink eating at a Chinese buffet.

Marnie to Pam: “Corrupt, unsanctified corpse that walks!”

(I am SO stealing that for my next conference call at work.)

Pam, half her face gone, realizes that it’s time for another course of action. She vampire-zips off into the woods.

Marnie (or whoever she is channeling) breaks into peals of laughter. Then she collapses to the ground, show over. Jesus rushes to tend to her, while Laff and Tara stand there despondently, reflecting back on simpler, by-gone days, when all they had to worry about was Tara’s mom’s raging alcoholism and whether or not Laff could find enough accessories for his latest outfit.

Roll end credits.

“True Blood” - Season 4, Episode 3

2011-07-14T22:15:00.000-05:00

We start out right where we left off, with Sookie sitting in that crappy lemon-hued car of hers and staring out the (stupidly) open window at Eric. He’s still jacked up from the witchy Marnie Mumbling that led to his current amnesia and lack of a shirt. Sookie is oddly intrigued by what Eric thinks she smells like. When he responds with “wheat… and honey… and sunlight”, she responds to his Yankee Candle combo by rolling up the window, hitting the gas and racing away. Good move.

Amazingly, she stops the car about 200 feet down the road, where she and her golden locks glance around to make sure she’s now safe. Only 200 feet, people. Has Sookie suddenly forgotten all that she knows about fleet-footed vampires? Girl, please.

No surprise, Eric zaps out of nowhere and smashes through the glass. Can’t really feel sorry for Sookie on this one, with the dumb-assedry and all.

Roll opening credits. Thong panties, bad teeth, pool-table humping.

Back to Sookie, who manages to hop out of the car and go dashing into the creepy woods that are everywhere around here. Of course, Eric easily runs faster than her, and jumps into her flight pattern. So Sookie hauls off and punches him. Eric: “You broke my nose!” Sookie: Shut up, you’ll heal in five minutes. (Oh, so she remembers this bit of trivia, but can’t remember that you should drive like hell and don’t look back when fangy people think you smell like sunshine?)

Anyway, things are calmer now, what with the nose-breaking, and they chat. Well, they try to, for the most part. Eric keeps breaking into a strange language, perhaps the language of his forefathers or just some crap he made up while sitting on the toilet during a shooting break. Bottom line, he vaguely recalls some mess about a circle of people, and empty eyes, and double images, and anything of value being sucked out of him. Can you help me, pretty girl who smells of UV rays?

Sookie reluctantly agrees, with a few rules. Like, don’t bite me and stuff, okay?

Cut to the Moon Goddess Emporium, where Jesus is tending to a still haggard-looking but increasingly important Marnie. Other people are fussing over the devastation that Eric wrought in their little house of séances and bird-raising. (Tara to Lafayette, not impressed with the turn of events: “Thanks for bringing me here tonight.”) It seems that most everybody is really mad at Eric for crashing the party, and not the fact that they were doing things that might, I don’t know, piss off a vampire and lead to their violent death.

Laff tells them to quit hollering about calling the police, they ain’t gonna do nothin’. Tara tells them to quit hollering about Eric, he doesn’t care about polite little society rules. Marnie tells them that it was really rude of Eric to stop them from “practicing their religion”. (One that involves reanimation? Are you thinking this through?) Then Marnie fesses that she has no idea what she really did to Eric or how.

Great.

Cut to Jason, all chewed-up and tied to that cot, but still managing to look hot. He can hear that one old guy outside, can’t remember his name, as he’s telling folk stories to the little urchins of the camp while they chomp on raw meat and don’t bother to wipe their faces. Some mess about a “Ghost Daddy” and a “Ghost Mama” being eaten by a panther back in the day, and then being puked back up to create the lovely Panther People they are today.

Really? That sounds fun.

Then we see Old Guy asking Felton if Jason is “ready yet”, like somebody’s waiting for the little red thing to pop up on a baking turkey. Then Crystal runs into Jason’s low-rent hotel room, babbling about “I swear I ain’t gonna let em kill you!” and “once you turn, we gonna be together forever!” Then she turns and gazes upon yet another dirt-smeared little girl. “Ain’t he pretty?”

And these people vote?

Quick scene with some yahoos running around with a night-vision camera, and they manage to capture a vampire sucking neck on a woman who only pretends to be horrified by the sucking after she has a camera shoved in her face. Her orgiastic cries turn into outrage and finger-pointing with the flick of a spotlight. (Can you say “Republican”?)

Cut to Bill sitting in his office with the vamp who was caught on tape in the yokel video. Apparently Bill’s new authority involves handing out sentences to vamps who are stupid and careless about modern video technology. He sentences the miscreant to “the true death”, then turns him over to some conveniently nearby henchman with vamp-restraining devices.

Jessica wanders in, and queries Bill about his staff having some Advil that she can take home to Hoyt. Wisely, Bill senses something amiss, and asks Jessica for the real reason she’s bothered to visit after months of separate lives and character arcs. Jess fesses about feeding on someone not named Hoyt. “I am not stupid, just unfaithful.”

Quick scene with Sookie and Eric arriving at her pad, and when Eric waits outside the door for Sookie to invite him in, his memory wiped clean of actually owning the house, Sookie smiles. Amnesia can be fun! But she offers the invite anyway, yet another sign that Sookie is missing a functional cylinder or two in this episode.

Zip over to Fangtasia, where Pam is feeding on some unknown extra and being bitchy, because this is her specialty. Phone rings, and it’s Sookie. Thought you should know that Eric seems to have lost his memory and his sexy tendency toward dominance. Pam immediately drops the phone and zip-flashes out of the building, leaving her supper to fend for his own bar tab.

Back to Sookie and Eric, where she is apparently bathing his feet in a small tub while he sits on her couch. (She might as well use her hair to do the job and change her name to Mary Magdalene.) Pam zips in, and tries to be her typical demanding, severe-hairstyle self. (Wait. When did Pam get invited into Sookie’s house. Should we care or let it drop?) Pam: “You have to hide him!”

Sookie’s not so sure about that. Heated discussion ensues, with Pam stressing that “this is his house” and Sookie being SO not on board with that. When Pam tries to physically threaten Sookie, Eric knocks Pam’s ass across the floor, which is quite satisfying. Pam perseveres, Eric must stay HERE and no one can know. Sookie agrees. “But you gotta pay me.”

Cut to Hoyt at home, and Jessica walking in the door. Since she’s several hours late from a supposed run to the corner pharmacy, accusations fly. But above all the tardiness and bickering, Hoyt is really disturbed about the creepy old doll that keeps reappearing in their house despite both of them trying to get rid of it. Jessica ignores this: “I was with another guy.” More bickering, finally leading to Jessica glamming Hoyt so that he doesn’t remember her confession or their troubles. Sort of sweet, saving him from the pain, but not really a good idea.

And that doll. What up?

Sookie and Eric again, with her helping him down into the Ikea cubby. Eric: “Are you mine?” Sookie: Hells no. Eric: “Would you like to be?” Sookie: Hells no. Eric: “What are you?” Sookie: Hells no. I mean, don’t worry about it, I need to go back upstairs and take a shower because I haven’t done that in this episode yet.

Scene with Lafayette and Tara and Jesus on the deck at Laff’s house, with the action kicking off with the image of Jesus peeing in the nearby bushes. (My life is filled with writing phrases that I could never have imagined as a young Oklahoma child.) What to do with the whole Eric and Marnie mess? Laff wants to go to Fangtasia and beg Eric for forgiveness. (Don’t forget that Eric held Laff hostage in that nasty cellar for a bit, and he hasn’t slept well since.)

Laff tries to get Tara to get out of this mess and head back to her lesbian training in New Orleans, but she don’t want none of that. Fine. He goes to bed, so Tara turns to Jesus with some inspirational advice. (Yet another phrase I never thought…) “Don’t let him go to Fangtasia!” Then she downs a shot of tequila, because when is that not appropriate?

Quick scene with Jason in his cot, unable to get to his ringing cell phone because the rope restraints and his pecs are in the way. Cut to Sheriff Andy making that call, sitting in his car outside of Merlotte’s, all pissed off because Jason isn’t answering and he’s hankering for a V fix. Andy attempts to pray, but only gets two words out before he sucks down some V, shoving his blood-dripping finger in his mouth with the tenacity of a she-beast on crack.

Sam bangs on Andy’s car window. Can I help you with something, you finger-sucking weirdo? Andy hops out and begins to cite made-up infractions against Sam’s restaurant. This escalates to the point where punches are thrown and Andy pulls a gun on Sam, then Andy freaks out and drives away. Makes you feel really safe about calling 9-1-1, doesn’t it?

Out of the blue, Sookie shows up at Alcide’s house in Shreveport. (Yay! Fingers crossed that Alcide decides to remove his shirt for a very minor reason.) They chit-chat for a bit, then Sookie spills. She wants Alcide to take care of Eric for a bit. Initially, Alcide thinks this means killing Eric, and he seems rather excited about it, so the shirt-removal is definitely on the horizon. But Sookie just wants him to care for Eric. “He’s sick.”

Then that nasty Debbie woman walks into the room, bearing a tray of snacky things. (Boo!) She’s all apologetic, but Sookie isn’t buying it. “You tried to kill me!” Debbie spills that she’s found both a change of heart AND Jesus, and is trying to live a good life of non-killing. They eventually hug it out. Debbie: “Want a Vienna sausage?”

Sookie does not. Gotta run. Alcide follows her outside. We can work this out, Eric can stay in one of the new, unoccupied houses that I just happen to be building right down the street. Sookie: Eric can’t stay here. Not with a recovering V addict with poor hairstyle choices. Bye, now. She drives off while Alcide stands in the road and pines for her.

Cue Maxine and Tommy sitting in their kitchen, with Tommy learning to read while watching a home-shopping network featuring a Marie Osmond doll. (Totally not making that up, though it seems like I should be.) Maxine happens to mention that “Halloween is next week” (oh?) and then lets Tommy go see who is knocking on the door while she orders her some Marie.

Turns out there’s a man wanting to buy the natural gas leasing rights on Maxine’s property. Well, now. Tommy shuts the door behind him and barters personally with this stupid man who hasn’t read the script and doesn’t understand that Tommy sucks as a decent person. Tommy takes the man’s card and promises to “talk to Momma”. Then he goes back inside and asks Needy Momma if he can make her a cup of coffee. She is delighted by the offer.

Probably shouldn’t drink that coffee, Maxine. Just sayin.

Jason again, on the cot, while Crystal tends to his wounds by smearing what looks like cement all over his chest. Jason: “If you ever loved me…” Crystal: “I’m gonna be the woman to all your baby cubs!” (Now that’s a line.) Jason: “I’m sick!” I need a doctor. Crystal: Nuh uh. You’re going to be the new Ghost Daddy! Oh, and take this Mexican Viagra pill, ‘cause, you know, we might need that.

And what was up with all the crap in Crystal’s hair during that scene? Did she fall down a well?

Over to Merlotte’s, with Tara and Sookie. Tara wants Sookie to tell Eric to forgive them. Sookie is clueless. Tara spills about the tiny little matter of she and Laff and Jesus possibly having something to do with Eric getting an unexpected whammy, what with the chanting and the circle of Marnie devotees. Tara clues in a bit, and wonders why Sookie doesn’t seem to think Eric can be a threat. Sookie blows it off. There’s nothing to fear. But I’ll talk to him if I happen to see him.

People just lie in this town. Word.

Sam walks up, and gets to chattin’ with Tara. Wanna go out back and do some tequila shots. (When would anybody ever say no to this?) So they do. Sam: I’m a little miffed, I told you I was a shifter, and you split. Tara: I never hated you for anything. Sam: Wanna stay at my place? Tara: I’m seeing someone. Sam: Me too!

Jesus comes running up. Laff is missing, even though we just saw him and his jewelry cooking things up on the grill two seconds ago. Tara and Jesus run to the parking lot, discover Laff’s car is AWOL, so they jump in another car and peel out. Sam, presumably, continues drinking tequila.

Cut to a fancy restaurant, where Bill is sitting at a table, using his cell phone to leave a message with Eric, upset about him not taking his calls the last few days. (He’s been a little busy having his mind wiped.) Then that Portia Bellefleur woman trots up, taking what is apparently her seat at the table and offering a proposition to Bill. Things have been working out splendidly between them from a business perspective. Why not take it further and have sex as well, see how that goes?

Bill: I could never love you. That takes a young heart and I don’t have one. And it’s kind of dead. Portia: Fine by me. Bill: Check, please!

Next we have Jessica with Arlene and Terry, and Jess is giving that creepy doll to their probably demonic offspring. Girl, you know that doll is not right, why are you presenting it to an infant that is most likely not right as well? Jessica has been making poor decisions since she went into that bathroom stall at Fangtasia.

Sam’s office, with Tommy showing up. Tommy spills about the natural gas thing with Maxine. (Insert your own joke here, there are many available options.) She doesn’t know, let’s buy the house! Sam is not impressed. “I’m not gonna let you do that to Maxine.” (Why the hell not? Maxine sucks.) Sam: It’s a matter of right and wrong, and you’re just a replacement for Hoyt. Get over it. Tommy: I hate you!

Typical family dynamics in parts of the country where the humidity is unbearably high.

Quick scene at Bill’s house, with him and Portia bumping uglies and sweating a bit. His fangs pop, she tells him to go ahead, make your day if you want. He wills his fangs back in, and they continue to have nuptials, with only the standard piercing. Oh?

Another quick scene, with Sookie wandering around her house and looking for Eric. Everything is dimly lit, so of course this means that something bad is going to happen soon.

Cut to Fangtasia, in the not-fun basement, where Pam is being nasty to Laff, who apparently pulled a stupid and decided to spill some details to Pam. Cue Tara and Jesus to come stomping down the stairs, dragging along that one Fangtasia waitress (Tracy?) who likes to scream a lot and wear questionable clothing. Tara’s got a gun, loaded with wooden bullets, and she lets Pam know this as she points it at her. Pam is not pleased.

Jesus takes a more diplomatic approach: I think we can reverse the spell. You just have to give us time to find Marnie, make her wear something less dowdy, and we can magick Eric back into… whatever. Pam: You have 24 hours or I will kill you all. (Actually, her words were a bit more graphic, but we won’t dwell on that.)

Zip over to Marnie’s Emporium of Clueless People Messing with Crap They Don’t Understand, where Marnie is alone and is in some kind of trance, attempting communication with a spirit. She acknowledges her gratefulness at being chosen, in a very long speech filled with vagueness. She’s also screwing around with a pretty goblet, including cutting open one of her veins so that blood can drip into it, a sure sign that she’s serious about this. Then she ups the ante by doing a second cut, then a third.

With that final slice on her wrist, things get even more whacky. Feeling a bit woozy, Marnie rushes over to a sink and tends to her misguided wounds. Off in the distance, we suddenly realize that a woman is sitting in a chair, looking all psychotic and dressed in night-night clothes from days gone by. OMG!

Cut to Jason on his Un-Holiday Inn cot, just as he’s coming out of another fever dream and realizes that Crystal is astraddle him, trying to make that panther baby and all. Crystal: “Thank you, Ghost Daddy!”, with her lips encrusted from the blood of whatever rodent she’s eaten lately. Jason: “You’re a hillbilly junkie!” ( I have SO got to use that phrase in the next few days.) Then the camera pans to other Women of the Corn standing nearby, ready to assist in whatever. No men. Interesting. Is this matrilineal madness?

Back to Sookie’s house, where she’s reading a book. (Shout out to Charlaine Harris. Hey, gurl, hey!) Suddenly, a bright light does some kind of flashing thing, so Sookie and her short shorts go outside to see what’s up with that.

She finds that Travel Agent Woman who booked Sookie’s flight to Fairy Land. Seems that agent has some demands. “You belong to us!” Come now. We’ll keep you safe. Sookie: When did you ever keep me safe? Agent: Um, all those times we kept you from dying. She details such, with flashbacks to incidents where Sookie miraculously survived attacks by non-vampire meanies.

Sookie: Oh, right, that makes sense, seeing as how I couldn’t have killed all those attackers with just my minimum-wage experiences in life. But why didn’t you protect me from the vampires, too?

Agent: Uh, because vamps can rip my ass to shreds, that’s why. I know my skill set.

Right then, the Agent is whisked away by something blurry. Sookie trots along in the direction of the whisking, and finds Eric feeding on Agent Fairy Chick. Eric finishes up his supper and the Agent briefly turns into something ugly before disintegrating into yet another perplexing pile of dust.

Sookie to Eric: “You just killed my fairy godmother!”

Eric to Sookie: “Sorry.” Then he grins in a my-bad way. Saw it on the menu and I just had to have it.

Roll end credits.

“True Blood” - Season 4, Episode 2

2011-07-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

Okay, folks, we got some horniness up in this grill…

We start out over in that land of Non-Showering Incest People, the former Drug Lab village where Jason got conked on the head because he stupidly bent over. He’s waking up from his little nap, tied to a bed, to find a dirty girl looking at him (“ain’t supposed to talk to you”) and a dirty man-boy tonguing Jason’s hair. Oh? Seems Jason has a nasty gash on his head and the filthy little nurse is tendin’ to the wound, home-style.

Jason makes him stop, but does so nicely, uttering an instantly-classic line: “It’s not that I don’t appreciate all the lickin’.” But Jason would rather have something else, like a band-aid or a hospital. Well, these chilluns ain’t got stuff like medical supplies or sense. Then Jason, squirming around seductively in his bondage and super-tight jeans, tries to convince the Cabbage Crack Kids to let him go. Just loosen one knot and I’ll take it from there.

The kids hem and haw a bit while Jason talks about how they really care for one another. (“You wouldn’t lick my head if you didn’t love me.”) The man-boy (name of Toobow or some such) finally gives in and reaches to do some handiwork with one of the ropes. This instantly triggers Felton to bust through the door, waving a shotgun and being all loud. This is probably not good.

Felton sends the kids a-runnin’, and then gets into a heated discussion with Jason. We learn two things. One, these people sure do love themselves some F-bomb droppin’. Oh, and it appears that Felton reckons he just might kill Jason, and then shoves the shotgun in Jason’s face. Jason and his tight jeans begin formulating Plan B.

Roll opening credits. Liquor stores, revivals and hookers.

Cut to Sookie and her clingy bathrobe still mad that Eric owns her house and stuff. “What do you want?” He wants her. She is not impressed with this option. He babbles about how she smells dang good to other vampires, and he can protect her. If he just wanted her blood, he would have taken it already. And by the way, when she gets all “Fairy Sookie” with her sarcastic remarks, she’s even more fetching. Then Eric and his incredibly-long torso leave to go do something vampiric.

Next up is Bill with the new character, Katie, the one who’s infiltrated the witch coven. They’re discussing the bad news that the witches made the little birdie fly, at least for a few seconds, and that Bill considers Katie’s work with the coven a done deal. (“It’s too dangerous.”) Then Katie unbuttons her shirt, and suddenly the two of them are racing off to jump in the bed. Oh?

Zip over to outside Fangtasia, where there’s a group of protestors waving signs and chanting. Seems they’re a little unhappy about vampires at them moment, with Russell having done that on-air spinal surgery and everything. Pam, looking exceptionally hot in a stylized leather jumpsuit, marches outside, followed by Jessica and Hoyt. One of the protestors calls Hoyt a fangbanger, which leads to Hoyt going off and making some very valid points about the true nature of Christianity. The protestor has no clue about decency, and belligerent ignorance ensues. (Sound familiar?)

Jess and Pam stay out of it at first, until one guy who’s catching all this on his video phone calls Jess a “vamp-whore”. She’s on him in half a second, but Pam breaks them up, trying to send Hoyt and Jess back inside. “Let these good people practice their Constitutional right to be effin’ idiots.” But the first protestor purposely bumps Hoyt, and that’s it. Fists start flying.

Cut to Sam and his naked self running through the woods, just coming out of a nice shape-shifting adventure. He comes along one of his “anger management” girls, Luna, just sprawled on the grass, also unsheathed, and apparently quite proud of her accessories. They flirt for a bit while the cameraman tries to figure out which angle best highlights her nipples. They lean in for a kiss, but then Luna suddenly jumps to her feet, transitioning into a horse before galloping away.

Well, that’s one way to make an exit.

Shot of Sookie marching along, passing through the graveyard like one apparently has to do whenever they go anywhere in this town. Jump to Bill and Katie jumping each other on his bed, going at it in an eye-opening style. We get a lovely panning shot from Katie’s head bouncing off the side of the bed to Bill’s energetic butt. Hoo boy.

Back to Sookie, fighting through Spanish moss and cobwebs before she arrives at Bill’s house. Bill’s remodeled house, that is, not the skanky mess he had last season. There’s nice landscaping and pretty lights and security guards, who surround Sookie and her surprised look. Upstairs, Bill senses Sookie and stops with the aerobics, much to Katie’s annoyance.

In the yard, Sookie learns that Bill is now a king, and you can’t just waltz into his house any time you please. Sookie and her sweater are even more confused, but luckily Bill sends word to his homies that Sookie can come on up. She totters into the house, taking note of all the fine furnishings and electronic gadgetry everywhere as she heads upstairs, probably a little irritated that Bill never picked up the house back in the day when she was using her frequent flier miles.

Strolling into Bill’s room, she finds Bill and Katie clearly re-clothing themselves and looking slightly furtive. (“Your snipers didn’t mention you had company.”) Bill sends the unimpressed Katarina away, but not before Sookie notices that Bill has been dining on Katie’s neck. Bill looks a little sheepish, Sookie looks like she’d rather be having an enema.

Cut to Jesus at Laff’s place, where gaudy flamboyance reigns supreme, as they are discussing the difference between white and black magic. Lafayette is a little unnerved about “stepping in where we don’t belong”. Jesus thinks magic is magic, it’s a matter of how people choose to use it. Then they begin to suck face.

I’m telling you, lust is in the air tonight, people.

Back to Bill and Sookie, where she wants him to do something about this pesky business of Eric owning her. You’re his king! Bill is hesitant. Eric has friends in high places, but that’s all I can tell you. I’ll see what I can do, but it may take some time (because the season just started, natch) so you might want to hole up with another human for now.

Fine. Sookie initially asks how Bill became king, then decides she doesn’t want to know, since past revelations from Bill have never been especially fun, usually resulting in disappointment, confusion, and somebody having to clean blood off kitchen floors. She leaves.

Bill then has a convenient flashback, to 1982 London, where he first met that Vampire League of America blondie, Nan. She’s impressed that he doesn’t kill his victims. We’re impressed that Bill looks pretty hot as a punk rocker with eyeliner. Seems Nan wants Bill to join the growing, underground movement of vamps who want to assimilate with the general population, and that they are on the verge of synthesizing human blood so they don’t have to hunt, an unsavory activity to most humans. Interested?

Bill is, but how do we go about this. Nan explains that they have to infiltrate the monarchies, work from inside. (Similar to how Nan’s hairstylist apparently works.) Bill ponders.

Cut to Merlotte’s, where Sookie is apologizing to the still-truculent Sam for having been gone so long, although she doesn’t bother to tell him what really happened. Someday, I promise. Then Arlene and Terry bang into the place, also apologizing, in this case for having to bring along their baby, unable to find a sitter. (Um, probably because that baby’s eyes are solid black. Think that might be it?)

Sookie doesn’t care about ocular coloring, and proceeds to fawn over the baby, leading to a discussion where Arlene is clearly very concerned that something is out of sorts with Junior but she’s trying to be strong, that Terry refuses to believe such nonsense, and that there are far too many folks in this town having unprotected sex with people and things that they shouldn’t.

Next up is Sheriff Andy driving into the Drug Lab Village, looking all jittery. Felton, genius that he is, realizes that this is not a pleasant turn of events, and sends out Toobow to intercept. (Really? Man-boy is your best option?) Meanwhile, Crystal saunters into the room where they are holding Jason. I love you and I have a plan to get us out of here but right now you gotta shut the hell up. She then stuffs part of his shirt into his mouth to ensure compliance with the not-talking part.

Back to Andy and Toobow, where negotiations aren’t going so well, probably because neither of them can spell that word and therefore don’t know how to conduct them. Luckily, Felton, from his hidey-hole in a shed, realizes that Andy is in withdrawal (he has the same symptoms), so he gives a vial of V to some homeless person that happened to wander into the shed, and sends they guy over to Andy with the present. Andy snatches up the “evidence” and drives away.

Merlotte’s again, with Sam discovering Luna in his office, sitting in a chair and looking sultry. She’s so sorry for the way she acted last night, galloping off right when Sam was almost in the saddle, and she’s ready to make nice. They smooch, then Luna gets Sam’s assurance they can play Old MacDonald later tonight before scooting out the front door. Tommy makes a comment to Sam about Luna’s hotness, but Sam cuts him off and marches away.

In Merlotte’s kitchen, there’s an incident with Arlene being convinced that Junior just made blood vessels in her eye pop, and she runs hysterically from the room. Terry continues to believe that nothing is wrong with the baby, while said baby continues to have creepy eyes that anyone else would take one look at and head for the hills.

Cut to Sookie in her crappy little yellow car (you’d think one of these rich vamps would buy her a decent one) arriving home. Sookie suddenly has a brief vision of that evil Mab Fairy Woman (and a pack of howling friends) coming at her, but then the vision turns into Tara racing up to hug Sookie. Tara looks amazingly good, so they go in the house to talk about the goodness.

Once inside, Sookie discovers a few gifts from Eric. (Tara: “Sookie, you ain’t with him now?” Sookie: “He bought my house, that’s all.”) Eric has also left a jug of blood in the fridge (Sookie pours it out), and a nice armoire thing that leads to a slumber chamber for Eric. Sookie is livid. “He built himself a cubby in my house!” (He built a Mousketeer?) Sookie cuts the reunion short so she can go express her displeasure to the tall one.

Jessica arises from her own cubby to check on Hoyt, battered from the bar fight the previous night. To help him feel better, she offers her blood, but he makes an unwise remark about not needing that stuff. Jessica, deeply offended at the dismissal of her liquids, takes Hoyt’s pickup to go get him some aspirin, supposedly. Instead, she drives the other way, headed to Shreveport and Fangtasia and something that Hoyt will probably not care for.

Tara arrives at Laff’s house, just as he and Jesus are about to head out for the evening. Hey, girl, so good to see you, lookin’ fine, wanna go to a meeting with a witch coven? Hop in!

Eric shows up at Bill’s, apparently having been summoned. Bill wants Sookie’s house back. Eric is not interested and turns to go. Bill wants Eric to check out a new coven. Eric continues turning to go, not interested in a common coven. Bill explains that this coven briefly brought a bird back to life. Eric freezes. This is quite unpleasant news. It seems that witches who can control the dead can also control vampires.

Oh?

Eric races off the check out the coven as Bill has ordered, but not before first being overly dramatic at taking leave of “my king”.

This triggers another flashback for Bill, with him recalling his final encounter with former Queen Sophie Anne, the one where we left them floating in the air. Seems Sophie was indeed stronger than Bill, being older and all, so Bill has her taken down by snipers with silver and wooden bullets. Sophie becomes soup.

Nan steps out of the shadows and proclaims Bill the new King of Louisiana. (After he swears that Sookie means nothing to him now. Interesting.) Okay, got it. Thanks for finally clarifying that angle, Bill. Now, there are about 50 other things I’d like you to explain.

Whoops, no time for that, we’re off to Fangtasia, where Sookie is trying to convince Pam to convince Eric to give her back the house. Pam scoffs at Sookie for attempting this (“he’s my maker!”), then tries schooling Sookie on the benefits of being Eric’s bitch. Sookie is over that, so Pam saunters away, looking amazingly drag-queenish from behind, while Sookie sits and waits for Eric to return from wherever.

Jessica pulls up outside Fangtasia, strolls inside, lets her hair down, quickly finds the little stud boy who gave her the eye last night, and runs to join him. Hmm.

Over to the coven, where one of the women is babbling about the excitement over the bird-raising. Jesus is thrilled, Laff is noncommittal, and Tara is not impressed with the show. Then Marnie announces that the next project will be rejuvenating “a person”. Everybody in the group is not thrilled (well, except for one guy with a ponytail, with his paltry single line of dialogue). Tara has had enough and goes outside.

Cut to Sam and his pack of friends, sitting at a campfire. They chat a bit, then Luna fesses up that she once shifted into her Mom, who died at Luna’s birth. Oh? And there’s more, some mess about Luna being raised as an Indian, with stories of “skin walkers” and evil witches and general unpleasantness. Luna very possibly has some serious issues.

All of this hilarity is interrupted by the four of them hearing something in the nearby woods. Sam races to investigate, spies Tommy, who shifts into a bird, so Sam shifts and catches him, causing them to both shift back, and suddenly we have naked men falling from the sky. (What’s the address of this town again?)

So they stand there naked, forcing us to really concentrate on what they are saying. Tommy’s still pissed. Sam is still pissed. But Tommy would really like to work it out. Sam finally offers to try a baby step at a time. But first they should probably find some clothes, yes?

Next we’re outside the Moon Goddess Emporium, with Tara chatting to her girlfriend back in Nawlins. They miss each other. Of course, since Tara’s been lying to her girlfriend about everything, the girlfriend really doesn’t know what she’s missing.

Cut inside, where Laff is wondering just where the hell they are going to find a dead body. Conveniently, Eric walks through the door. Of course, he’s not volunteering his own services, but instead came to call so he could change the evening’s program of events. Glares are exchanged.

Quick return to Fangtasia, where Sookie catches Jessica fanging her new beau in the ladies’ room. There’s heated discussion (Sookie is not pleased about Jess’ activities, Jess is not pleased with Sookie nearly destroying Bill emotionally with her absence, the person in stall 3 is not pleased with the jammed toilet-paper dispenser) and ends with Jess proclaiming “I can eat who I want!” Sookie hops in her ugly car and drives off into the night.

Back to Moon Goddess, with Eric letting folks know that the coven will not be meeting again. Ever. Marnie does not care for this option, arguing. (Laff cautions her to hold up, girl.) Tara wanders back in, done with her lying phone call, just as Marnie gets uppity and demands that her coven join hands to fight. Eric snatches her up and bites her, the serious biting that means this is not just a snack, and Marnie is going down. Fast.

The rest of the coven (except Lafayette and Tara) grab hands and start the bring-back chant. Tara, fairly stupidly, finds a handy wooden stake-thing and tries to jump Eric, but he catches her and quickly decides that she will be course number two on the menu. Laff quickly joins the circle, chanting his ass off, suddenly thinking that rejuvenation is pretty nifty after all when your cousin is about to kick it. The incantations get louder as Eric descends on Tara’s neck.

And he suddenly stops. Marnie is alive. And Marnie is pissed. As she chats in some language, her image flickering to that of another golden-eyed woman, Eric stares around in wonder, apparently drained of willpower and adequate hair product. He turns and runs out the door. Marnie snaps out of her apparent trance. “What happened?”

Cut to Jason and his bondage. Crystal and Felton come in, all happy and such. Guess what? We’ve been having trouble doing our part to keep our inbred panther family going strong, so we’ve decided you need to be a panther person too so we can breed with you and make panther babies. Yay! Then they transition and start chewing on Jason. And not in a good way.

Final bit is Sookie rolling along in that toy car, when she spies Eric, shirtless, walking along the side of the road. She rolls down the window. Yo, what’s up with your long-waisted self?

He has no idea who she is.

But he does know that she smells pretty damn good.

Roll end credits.

“True Blood” - Season 4, Episode 1

2011-07-14T19:41:00.000-05:00

We start out in Fairy Land, where some celestial waitress is walking around, plucking light-up fruit from trees and plunking them into a basket. Lots of people are standing around and chatting politely while wearing togas and free-lowing garments, as if we’ve just crashed a cocktail party in ancient Greece.

Suddenly, Sookie and her personal Fairy Recruitment Officer appear during a flash of pretty golden light, and the party guests all clap approvingly. The officer explains to Sookie that she is her fairy godmother, to which Sookie replies with an assessment of said godmother’s skills: “You suck.”

Sookie then spots a familiar face and trots up to him. Why, it’s Barry the Bellboy from that creepy vampire hotel in Dallas. (Barry has his own godmother, a flamboyantly dressed blond guy named Lloyd. Nice to see that fairies are equal-opportunity employers.) The happy reunion is cut short by that pushy waitress with her basket of oddly-glowing fruit. Please, take one, despite the possible radiation poisoning.

Barry does, sucking on it rapturously, but Sookie doesn’t. She thinks something is fishy about food with its own power source. Then she’s distracted by another man standing nearby, who just happens to be her Granddaddy Earl, who managed to expire way back in the day before cell phones were invented.

Sookie rushes forth. “Grandpa?” Earl is confused, last time he saw Sookie she was knee-high to a mudflap, and he thinks that event was a mere few hours ago. Sookie corrects him: I’m sorry, Mr. Gary Coleman playing my grand pappy, but the last time you saw me was actually twenty years ago!

Cue opening credits while our minds spin, trying to figure out just where the hell this story is going now. The credits are basically the same as least season, although I think they might have thrown in an extra exposed breast or two.

Sookie and Grandpa again. Grandpa: “Did Grandma pass gentle?” Sookie chooses to lie. She sure did! Didn’t get ripped apart savagely at all. Grandpa: I just can’t understand what’s going on. (We’re right there with ya, Gramps.) Then their travel down the nostalgia road is interrupted by Sookie noticing odd things, like sewage oozing through the walls of the otherwise pristine Fairy Garden and what sounds like the devil speaking in tongues.

Sookie mind-melds with Grandpa Earl. This is all wrong! “It’s a trap!”

Whoopsie, guess Sookie sort of forgot that she’s now in a land of milk and honey and other beings who can read minds. The rest of the crowd turns to her in utter disgust, as if she’d broken wind during a Vivaldi aria. Said crowd parts to allow an especially bitter woman to take the stage, a Fairy Bigwig by the name of Mab who tries to force some of the lightning-bug fruit on Sookie. Eat it now or I’ll slap you.

Sookie is having none of this pushiness, and instead knocks Mab off kilter with one of Sookie’s special fire balls that she manages to produce at carefully-scripted times. Mab does not take kindly to this, and changes into an ugly she-demon thing with bad hair. Oh, and she also transforms the lovely garden party into an arid desert world with lots of drabness and unkempt landscaping.

Well, this can’t be good, so Sookie and Grandpa Earl flee, racing up an incline to a place where, hopefully, people aren’t so rude. As they scramble and pant, they encounter some elf-eared people who want to save them. This sets up a battle between the elves and the rampaging fairy military force, cuing cheesy special effects along the lines of “Land of the Lost” with fireballs killing off lots of extras hired just so they could scream and die violently.

Eventually, Sookie and Earl and the helpful elves arrive at a giant crevasse (think Grand Canyon, with no apparent bottom), where the lead elf informs Sookie that she must jump, since she hasn’t eaten the forbidden fruit. Grandpa has, so he’s probably screwed, but anyway, they leap asunder and end up in the Bon Temps cemetery.

Quick shot of both Bill and Eric awakening, eyes flying open like the proctologist just hit the mark.

Grandpa is not doing so well, his image frequently wavering, so Sookie tries to comfort him, even though we know he’s a goner because he stupidly ate the appetizers. He whips out his pocket watch. “Give this to Jason. Love you.” Then he’s dust.

Cut to Sookie marching toward her homestead, and she’s startled to find that the house is all painted and pretty. Oh? She stomps through the door, despite someone cast as a house painter trying to stop her. When he pushes the issue, threatening to call the police, she just has two words for him. “Do it.”

A bit later, we have Sookie sobbing at the dining room table, fondling the watch and looking despondent. A policeman arrives, pounding on the door and then entering. Sookie and the audience are stunned to see that it’s Jason. Sookie: “Why are you dressed like a cop.” Because he IS one. (I’d like to see the test results on that mess.) And, oh, by the way, Sookie, you’ve been gone for 12 and a half months.

A bit more later, Sookie and Jason are chatting, and we learn that he sold the house after finally deciding that he “couldn’t take it” anymore, with her not coming back from wherever. A company named “A.I.K.” bought the house. (Right away we should be suspicious because companies with random letters in their names are never up to any good.) Jason: And sister girl, don’t tell people about time-traveling to a land of fairies.

This is sage advice that we should all take. I’ve gotten into so much trouble with the inadvertent blurting of my fairy stories.

But Sookie trumps him by producing the watch. “He never meant to leave you.” They bond and stuff, then Jason decides it’s really important to set his new watch, which apparently can still function despite years spent in a place where people eat neon fruit and having fallen through the space-time continuum. “What time is it?”

Sookie politely reports that it’s 6:35, then realizes this means it’s basically night time and that a whole mess of vampires is probably interested that she took the Fairy Train back to Rockville. She dashes outside, where Bill promptly zaps in from wherever he’s hanging his hat these days. It’s clear from the dialogue that she’s still peeved at him for not being a gentleman before she booked a flight on Southwest Fairylines.

Not to be outdone, Eric zaps in as well, and proceeds to bicker with Bill about who has the bigger fang. Bill finally orders Eric to leave (Oh? When did Bill get the upper hand?) and Eric does, but not before announcing “They ALL gave up. But I never did.” Bill looks uncomfortable at these words, so there’s probably more that we don’t know about, and this review will probably run 37 pages.

Then a sheriff car arrives, and Andy hops out and speaks to Sookie. When you’re ready, “come on down to the station,” and we’ll file the reports on who kidnapped you. Bill steps up: She was working for me on vampire business. Andy is not impressed with this revelation, and rants for a bit about Bill not coming clean before now, that a lot of time was wasted.

This coming from a man who had pig visions and possibly fornicated with demons.

Bill offers to pay for all the costs the police department incurred, as long as they clear his name with that kidnapping and/or killing business. Andy, who looks oddly different this season and therefore is probably being set up for some twist that we don’t see coming, whines some mess about a plaque that he didn’t earn. Jason hauls Andy off so they can both go over the script again and make sure they know what they are talking about.

Now it’s just Sookie and Bill. Sookie: I know time was different here, but for me, “only an hour ago you broke my heart.” But I’m glad you’re okay. Bill: “Goodnight, Sookie.”

What the hell? Sookie once again pours out her feelings, only to have those feelings trampled on by Bill honoring some stupid code that we really haven’t understood since Sookie first wore short-shorts while serving crawfish at Merlotte’s.

Quick scene with Jason and Andy. Jason: “Are you using again?” Andy lies, Jason finds a vial of V (oh?) and tenseness ensues.

Cue Lafayette and Jesus outside some place called “Moon Goddess Emporium”. Laff is not the least bit impressed with going inside, ranting about the past year where Jesus has pushed him to do a lot of witch-exploratory things, and Laff is not happy about this. But Laff gives in. “Five minutes. Ten if there are drinks.”

I am now adopting this as a motto. I’m going to have t-shirts made.

They enter the emporium, then head back to a large room where a modified prayer circle is in progress. Two girls leave the circle and happily welcome Jesus, and fawn over him finally bringing Laff to the shindig. (One of the girls is introduced as “Katie”, don’t think we’ve seen her before, but the other might be that maybe witchy chick who convinced Arlene to swig a potion in a chalk circle last season. It’s never very clear what’s going on in Bon Temps.)

The camera cuts to some woman perched on a bean bag (like you can really perch on something that is constantly shifting every time you breathe) who is apparently the superstar at this gala. This Marnie woman gestures at Lafayette like she just got a cramp, then proceeds to start grunting. Katie, who seems to be the Debbie Upper of the party, interprets the guttural expulsions. Does Laff know someone named Eddie?

Brief cut shot of Eddie, the screwed-up V-addict from that whole “surprisingly violent basement death” shenanigans from a few seasons ago. Uh oh. Marnie then announces that Eddie has a rose for Lafayette, and holds out her hand. Laff stupidly takes the imaginary rose, which causes Marnie to instantly channel Eddie, same voice, same accusations. Laff is not impressed with this, and he and his pearls stomp out of the building, followed by Jesus.

Next scene is Arlene arriving home from wherever, and she encounters Baby Mikey plopped on the living room floor. (Said Mikey being the demon offspring she shot out of her hesitant womb, fathered by Renee, the demonic serial killer. These things happen in Louisiana towns where public education is not quite what it should be.) Strewn about the floor are various dolls with their heads ripped off.

Arlene hollers for Terry, who wanders in from a personal situation in the bathroom. Arlene: “What the hell kind of baby does that?” Terry: “He’s a good boy.” Arlene: “Ain’t my half I’m worried about.” Arlene to Baby Mikey: “Killing is wrong!”

And the Republicans still want to shut down Planned Parenthood? Jesus. And I don’t mean Laff’s boyfriend.

Transition to some street that looks like it could be in New Orleans, then the camera zooms in on some place where tough women are boxing. The crowd surrounding the ring love the action, jumping and shimmying in delight, and they all appear to be female. One of the two women in the ring triumphs in her brutality toward the other, and we see that it’s Tara.

Really? Guess sister girl took some night classes and found a new career.

Next up is Jessica and Hoyt. (It’s easy to forget how many thousands of characters we have running around in this mess.) Hoyt has just arrived home, and they immediately get into a tiff about why Jessica can’t make some decent dinner for Hoyt, seeing as she lays on her ass all day and watches Oprah. Jess, explaining why human food is so repulsive: “Going to the Piggly Wiggly is like going to the morgue!”

I’ve thought the exact same thing, but for completely different reasons. Have you ever tried to get around Granny Mae Flatulence when she’s blocking the produce aisle?

Jessica WAY over-reacts, taking a page from the “Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford” rule book and barely cooking some eggs for Hoyt to consume, shells and all. He eats some of the drippy yuck, pretending to be in heaven, and then they both dissolve into laughter over the whole thing.

Ah, young love. So completely unrealistic about what’s about to come. Give them a few years and they’ll both be alcoholics with fake profiles on swinger websites.

Jason and Sookie. Jason, not wanting to leave Sookie alone: “I’m watching out for you. This is the happiest I’ve ever been.” Sookie: I’m still mad at you for selling the house. Call those people back! (Like both of them don’t already have enough on their plate. Sookie, love ya, but could you just sit down and watch mindless TV for once?)

Zip over to Fangtasia, where Pam is taping some PR interview about vampires wanting to make nice. She completely sucks at it, much to the chagrin of… hell, I can’t remember her name, that one vampire leader lady with her bitchy hair. Luckily, Eric strolls in the club about that time, and Bitchy waves him over to do the spot. Naturally, Eric is very charming, mainly because we all want to sleep with him.

Cue Bill at a press conference, where he’s babbling about being the “oldest resident” in Bon Temps as people are dedicating a park or some such. It’s clear that this is all political spin for the benefit of the stupid humans, who are still a little anxious after Russell borrowed a spinal column from that newscaster at the end of last season. There’s some nice, wickedly fun dialogue in the script. Eric: “Who would you rather trust? A vampire or a politician?”

Oh, and Bill has a bit where he fawns over somebody named “Portia Bellefleur”, a woman who helped with recent civic duties or some such, but based on her darting eyes, it’s possible that she has intimate knowledge of exactly where Bill’s stake has been lately. Not clear, who knows.

Back over to this boxing arena that might be in New Orleans, with Tara wandering out of the building and lighting up a cigarette. She’s followed by the girl who lost the bout match, a woman who promptly snatches the cigarette out of Tara’s mouth and tosses it away just before they begin tonguing each other. This would certainly be interesting news for Sam, yes?

Then some drunk guy wanders up, apparently more than ready to pay the girls cash money so he watch them partake in Sapphic calisthenics. Tara chews him out (verbally, that is) and then snatches the money out of his hands. “This is for not reporting you for solicitation.”

Home girl has sure been up to some things we don’t know about. Sayin.

Cut to Sookie at Merlotte’s, where she and Arlene and Terry are making nice. Laff joins them. Sookie; “Tara?” Laff: “She moved.” Sookie: “WTF?” Then the gang runs off to make omelets or something, allowing Sam to move in on Sookie. Sam: “Vampire business, huh?” Musta been really important. A lot has changed since you left. Sookie: “Like you’ve gotten more prickly?”

I like that line. It’s mine now.

Laff and Jesus in the kitchen at Merlotte’s. Laff: You set me up. Jesus: Magic is a gift, Marnie is great. That’s going nowhere, so Sheriff Andy barges in and sends Jesus scurrying out the back door. (Jesus to Laff, pre-departure: Another meeting with the witches tonight. Be there or be square!)

Laff: “Can I help you Mr. Po-Po?” Andy spews some lying mess about needing more V for the investigation. Laff ain’t got none. Andy gets violent, wanting a fix, and Jason has to rush in and break things up. Jason to Laff: Whatever just happened, didn’t. Laff and his makeup just stand there, not saying a word.

Back out in the main area of the restaurant, Hoyt’s Momma Maxine barges through the door, amped up in Super Bitch mode, dragging Tommy along with her. (Oh, yeah, forgot about them finding the Lord together in the midst of trying to screw people over.) They plop down at a table, harass the nearby staff, and proceed to pray for the deep-fried goodness they are about to receive.

Sam to Tommy: “How’s that physical therapy going?” You know, the therapy I’m paying for. After I shot your ass for being everything a brother shouldn’t? That therapy.

Cut to Tara and her new-development girlfriend, wallering around in bed. Tara gets a text from Lafayette that Sookie done come back into town. Tara tells Girlfriend that her Grandma just died, so we learn that Tara is a liar these days. We also learn that Girlfriend thinks Tara’s name is “Toni” and that she hails from Atlanta. Tara doesn’t mess around when it comes to reinventing her life.

Sookie and Portia sitting at Merlotte’s, and we realize that Portia is working on getting Sookie’s house back from the mysterious A.I.K. Portia is being awfully snooty, so Sookie reads her mind and finds out that Portia is a two-faced nasty thang. Great, like Sookie needs more of those.

We zip over to Fangtasia, where Hoyt is at the bar while free-spirit Jessica is dancing with herself. Some guy named Matt hits on her while Hoyt is distracted by having to stand AND drink a beer at the same time. Jess is tempted by Matt’s throbbing vein, but she turns down the fang-banger, who wanders off to stand by the bar and look hot.

Hoyt joins Jess on the floor, but she quickly runs off to the powder room. Jess is pouting in a stall when Pam bangs on the door. “Toilets are for humans only!” The door opens so Pam can see who is in there. “Oh, it’s you! We been worried sick!” (Not.) Jess explains that she’s been with Hoyt. Pam: “That tree with a plaid shirt has a name?” Then Pam tears into Jess for ignoring her hunter nature, so Jess tears right back. Yet another catfight in a random ladies’ room. Yay!

Next scene has Sam sitting in a group of people who appear to be supporting him as he tells all about some personal issues. (Mainly, Tommy messed him up.) The supportive ladies are very pretty, leading to a sidebar comment from the viewing audience: “Is this an anger management session with Charlie’s Angels?” (Thanks, Terry.) The camera pulls back, and these folks appear to be having dinner and drinking wine. (Sidebar again: “They’re having wine at an anger management class?”)

Sam tries to get everybody to drink even more, but the two gals and a guy make excuses, gotta get up early, blah blah. Sam: Well, then, let’s get to it. Then they all start ripping off their clothes excitedly.

What the hell?

Cut to a shot of some horses running out of a barn and off into a field, just to keep the confusion level really high, then a truck pulls into what I believe is the meth-lab camp where the crazy, dirty people live. Jason hops out and begins to distribute food to the filthy urchins, like he promised he would do last season. When one disturbed little girl starts to eat a chicken raw, Jason mutters that “We need to get Crystal back.” (Um, I’m thinking you need more than just Crystal to handle these Children of Dirt and Inbreeding.)

Jason hands a tub of ice cream to a boy, one who looks extremely wild-eyed and should never be trusted with dairy, instructing him to go put it in the freezer. The boy zombies off, and then returns, reporting that the freezer done conked out. Jason goes to investigate the oddly propped-open freezer, stupidly reaching inside it, and he is promptly whacked on the head and locked into the freezer. Poor Jason. Boxes always give him so much trouble.

Witch Emporium once again, with the folks in a circle and leader Marnie focused on a dead parrot on a cute little stepstool. (This doesn’t look good at all.) Jesus and Laff are there, but Laff is sitting back a bit, not impressed and looking around for the free alcohol. Marnie mutters something about more work in the spiritual world, that they need to “Guide Minerva” to bring down the price of gasoline or some such.

Then Minvera starts some Latin chanting and a “return to the living” ceremony, which startles her acolytes (“We haven’t studied this!”), especially the cute one named Katie. Of course, none of them get up and leave, like anybody who is not interested in avian reanimation would do. Marnie seems to have reached an impasse, with the bird insisting on remaining dead, so she glares at Laff and demands that he join hands with the circle.

When he does, power surges through them all, two people appear to have orgasms, Marnie goes into overdrive with the grunting, and the bird springs to life, flying around the room a bit before going back to birdie heaven. Oh boy, these folks done stepped in it now.

Cut to Katie marching toward a fancy estate. She is cleared by a security guard, then she tromps through the house and into some room, nodding toward someone sitting at a desk. “Your majesty.”

It’s Bill.

Final scene is Sookie at home, having just taken another shower like she’s always managing to do, and currently wearing a bathrobe. She decides that it’s entirely too humid to mess with clothing, so she whips off the robe and throws it behind her.

And Eric catches it. Sookie: “What are you doing here? I rescinded your invitation!” Eric: “You don’t own the house. I do.” Sookie, managing to jiggle around a bit so we can get tantalizing glimpses of flesh, “Why?” Eric: “If I owned the house, then I would own you. You’re mine, Sookie!”

His fangs pop.

Uh oh.

#183 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 14

2010-12-16T21:42:00.000-06:00

We start out with the traditional march back to camp after they’ve voted someone out (Benry), with folks stumbling along in the dark and looking like confused aliens. Sash pulls Fabio aside and tells him they sent Benry home because Benry was targeting Fabio. It’s all good. Fabio doesn’t care, as long as it wasn’t him or whatever his real name is.

We’re only two minutes into the episode before Sash can’t help but stroke his ego in a sidebar, going off about how he’s in control of this game. (Never mind that he’s thin enough to be used as wallpaper.) And by the way, Fabio’s going home next time. Now, could you carry me back to camp? Because I don’t have any muscles left in my body.

Fabio in a sidebar: “I think they believe that I’m more gullible and naïve than I am.” (Dude, they don’t think it, they know it.) He thinks it would be really funny to make the other folks go “What? I didn’t know Fabio was that smart.”

This is not going to happen in our life time.

Roll opening credits.

Folks get tree mail, and this is the one where they get a Sprint cell phone with snippets of family members wishing they were back home. (Wouldn’t it be fun, for once, for some disgruntled relative to say: “Would you mind staying on the island for a while? Our lives have been so much better. We’ll send your clothes.”) This means that everybody is going to cry when they see their particular significant others.

Everybody cries. (Side note: How did Danny manage to produce such attractive boys?) This is actually one of my favorite parts, but I can’t really make fun of it without people coming after me with pitchforks and burning torches, so we’ll just skip ahead, shall we?

Chase and Fabio, discussing the upcoming reward where the winners will get to go do something fun with their clean relatives. They both promise that the two of them and Sash should all go on the reward together, if one of them wins. Then a coconut rolls by and the conversation ends, because they can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. (Sounds of Jane giggling and then running back into the forest.)

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Jeff does some more shilling for the Sprint Evo phone, then explains that the winner will get to eat food and float down the coast of Nicaragua. Along with one of their loved ones. (Cue everybody bursting into tears again.) Bring ‘em out! So here we go with the emotional mini-reunions, with waterworks flowing, tight hugs, and the city folk thanking God that Survivor is not presented in Smell-a-Vision. (And it is extremely touching when Danny’s son keeps smooching him on the head.)

Several gallons of smeared mascara later, Jeff explains the challenge. The Survivors have to run across this little bridge thing, dive in some water, retrieve some puzzle pieces and bring them back to their relative, who have to spell out a phrase. (Danny will not be winning this, sayin.) In the end, Chase and his mom triumph.

Jeff tells Chase to pick one survivor to go with him. (Chase, and everybody: “Just one?” Because we know they always get to pick two. What up?) Chase picks Sash, which is fair, since Sash hasn’t been in quite some time. Then Jeff lets Chase pick another, setting up the drama. Chase picks Holly. (That sound you hear is Jane’s and Fabio’s last nerve snapping.)

Chase to Jeff: “What happens to the rest of them?” Jeff: “They will be taken and executed.” (Okay, Jeff needs to be funny more of the time.) Then Jeff goes for more drama: “Fabio, you seem upset.” (If, by “upset”, Jeff means sobbing hysterically at not getting to go, then yes, Fabs is a bit distraught.) Fabio calls out Chase for going back on his promise. Chase basically takes it, nervously picking at his baby beard. Then Jeff tells the losers to say bye-bye to their loved ones, so there’s some more ruined mascara. Then he waves the Sprint Evo around for a bit before handing it to Chase.

Cut back to camp, where Fabio, Dan and Jane go on a hate fest. They are none too pleased with Chase at the moment. Dan: “He’s done with us.” Fabio: “Even today we talked about him taking me.” Jane: [Snippet deleted by Bonnywood Manor censors] They are all convinced that Chase has just lost the money in the end.

Cut to the winners arriving at the riverside feast, where things are a bit happier. (Chase makes sure to capture the goings on with the Sprint Evo phone, just in case you didn’t realize he had one.) Then Chase, Holly and Sash decide that they are going to be the final three. (The relatives politely hover in the background. We don’t know how much they might have known when this episode was filmed, but we do know that surely there’s a Survivor assistant hiding in the river, ready to drown one of the relatives if they start to pipe up with some intel.)

Another side note: Chase’s mom is the first to break out the supplied champagne. This is important information to have should you somehow get invited to the Finale wrap party and need a drink.

Back to camp once more, where the losers are already sleeping when the winners come waltzing back home. As expected, there is a tense discussion between Fabio and Chase. Chase tries to be nice, but the writing is on the wall about Fabio being on the outs. Too bad that Fabio can’t actually read the words.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: They will be blindfolded, attached to a line, have to crawl over and under some sawhorse things, fondle a shield with some raised metalwork, grab bags of pieces, crawl back, then open the bags and put the pieces in the right place on a new shield. (Once again, there’s no chance of Danny winning. He’s barely moved an inch when the others are already at the other end, feeling and grabbing. Jane makes it back first, but it comes down to Fabio and Chase. Fabio wins Immunity. (Jane immediately whips off her blindfold and kills an entire flock of sheep with one withering glance.)

We cut back to camp, with Danny leading the way as the tribe staggers home. (Which will be the only time that Danny is first in anything.) Everyone congratulates Fabio, but you know they don’t mean it. (Sash in a sidebar: Fabio winning is the only thing that could have screwed things up today.) Danny lets everyone know that he’s completely exhausted. (Why? When has he done anything?) No one cares.

Well, maybe Chase does. He waits a bit then tells Fabio that “Dan’s done” and he should go. Fabio thinks Jane should go. Chase runs to Sash to share what Fabio is thinking. Chase pushes for sending Dan home, but Sash is on board with the Jane thing as well. Chase is apparently fighting a losing battle. To confirm things, Holly comes waltzing up with news that Dan and Fabio want Jane to walk through the creepy cemetery.

Lo and behold, here comes Jane. She tries to dig, and based on the trio’s hesitation and waffling, Jane immediately knows the score. She forces them to spill. Sash: “The truth is, we think you can beat us in the end.” Jane flips him off. (Love her.) Then she stomps away and has a small breakdown in a sidebar, hating on everybody, especially Chase: “If I was Chase, I wouldn’t show my ass back in Carolina.”

And it goes downhill from there.

Jane goes on a rampage, hissing at everybody and cussing their mommas. At one point, she takes a bucket of water and pours it over the fire. She makes sure of the damage by dumping another bucket on the wet ashes. “By God, I started it. I’ll put it out.” Which is true, she was the one who got the fire started in the first place. Holy cow. (And still love her. Me thinks Jane will and should get at least the fan favorite money in the end. Just sayin.)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Dan: “Crazy afternoon?” Dan: He starts to spill about Jane, then holds his tongue. Jeff prods him until he spills about the fire thing. Jane: “Can I have my say?” And off she goes, not holding back and trashing everybody, much to the delight of the giggling but mostly silent jury. And she hits all the right points, country or not. She babbles about the alliance, that Dan and Fabio were supposed to be next, and “that’s how Benry got voted off”. (Shot of Benry seeing the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.)

Jeff: “Let me ask the alliance in charge.” (Chase, Holly, Sash.) “If you vote out Jane, who’s next?” Chase: “Whoever doesn’t win Immunity.” Jeff: “So it’s Fabio or Dan?” Chase takes the plunge, asking Holly and Sash: “Would you guys agree with that?” They squirm, but they eventually do. Bold move.

Shots of the jury members nearly wetting themselves over all this action.

Jeff pushes hard for Fabio and Dan to pay attention to this. Why don’t you and Jane form your own alliance? Jeff to Jane: “What do you suggest to do right now?” Jane: “Us three vote Holly out. Chase and Sash have an Idol.”

There it is, right there, folks. Here’s your open chance to upset the apple cart. Will Fabio and Dan take it? Jeff keeps pushing them. (Personally, I think he’s still just as sweet on Jane as the rest of us. He wants her to stay. Fair or not, he does everything he can to convince Dan and Fabio.)

Time to Vote.

Jeff comes back with the tally? Anybody wanna play a Hidden Immunity Idol? Chase and Sash nearly knock each other over trying to hand over their little stick dolls. (It’s the last night they can use them, why the hell not?) Votes cast for Chase, Sash and Fabio will not count. Jeff opens the little wooden crockpot.

It’s Jane. Meaning Dan and Fabio completely deserve to go home next for not even trying to change it up, knowing full well that they are next. To her credit, Jane doesn’t kill anybody on her way out. (“Ya’ll have fun!”) Jeff, holding back his irritation, sends folks back to camp.

In the closing credits we see that Jane’s lone dissenting vote was cast for Sash. Sash? So even if Dan and Fabio had flipped, it wouldn’t have mattered. Was Jane, knowing that she was going home anyway, giving the finger to Sash and still looking out for her ex-buddy Chase by not casting a vote against him, or did she hit her head on the way to the voting booth?

Hmmm.

#182 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 13

2010-12-16T21:40:00.000-06:00

Okay, so we start out right after the Tribal where NaOnka and Purple Kelly completely lost their minds and chose to quit the game, irritating everyone, especially Jeff Probst, who gets all pissy if anyone dares to leave voluntarily. Back at camp, we see Holly going off in a sidebar. (“There are only 11 days left. It’s unbelievable!” Then Holly gets distracted by a pair of shoes just sitting around unattended, and she makes plans to sink them as soon as possible.)

Cut to Benry and a couple of others messing around with the one remaining chicken. He decides to christen the bird “Kelly-Nay”, because both Purple Kelly and NaOnka are chickens. This is actually kind of funny, but the chicken is not amused.

Sash in a sidebar, where he’s fussing about the sudden death of his alliance. Dude, why are you fussing? You got all high and mighty thinking you were running things, and then everything went south in about 15 minutes. This is what happens on “Survivor”. Did you bother to actually watch the show before you signed that release agreement?

Roll opening credits.

Sash runs up to Chase, Fabio and Benry as they are standing around and practicing their poses for the “Hunky Men of Survivor” calendar. Sash: I’m gonna play the Idol at the next Tribal so it will remove that target off my back. The other three just look at him, wondering how somebody can get THAT skinny and not fall over when the wind blows.

Sash in a sidebar: I’m gonna do what’s best for me. (Good idea.) Then he goes off about how he’s the swing vote between the two remaining alliances, that people need to make him offers, and then he’ll decide which way to go. (Pompous, much? Your undeserved self-love is going to cost you in the end. Just sayin.)

Chase and Sash. Chase: Our best interest is to go with a woman. (Sash just looks at him as if he’s never considered that option, on the island or off.) Sash: “Jane is the only person that can beat us in the end.” Then Sash gets all clingy: “Will you still take me to the Final?” Chase agrees to do so. (Probable lie, but who knows.) Then they talk about how Holly (for sure) and Sash (not so much) should get to go on the next Reward, whatever it is. Chase agrees that Sash should get to go because he hasn’t been in a long time. (This will prove critical later. Stay tuned.)

And imagine this, it’s time for the Reward Challenge that they were just talking about. Great editing, Survivor Team! (So how come “The Amazing Race” always beats you at the Emmy Awards? Just wondering.)

Anyway, Jeff explains that this Reward Challenge is a chance to “revisit some of the past challenges”. It’s a multi-part thing, with folks running about and doing combined former challenges. The first 4 to finish the first round advance, then the first 2 to finish the second round compete in a final round for Reward. The prize is some quality time at a private resort, where they get to spend the night in luxury, with peasants giving them massages and lots of food sitting around waiting to be violated. Survivors ready?

Chase, Jane, Benry and Holly make it through the first round. (Meaning that Sash, Dan and Fabio were once again beaten by older women. Yay!) Sadly, the older women stumble in the second round, with Chase and Benry moving on. In the end, Chase is triumphant. (And I must say that Chase looks amazingly chiseled with a layer of mud accentuating his pecs. We need to see more of that.)

Jeff informs Chase that he gets to take two peeps with him when he travels to this resort where people want to rub their bodies. Chase decides to go with Holly (fair) and Jane (whoops), despite his promise to Sash that Sash should go on a Reward. Uh oh.

Sash in a sidebar: “That was incredibly stupid” on Chase’s part. Yes, it was, from a political perspective. But it was fun watching you be disappointed, yes?

Cut to the 4 losers going back to camp, all muddy and despondent. Fabio tells everybody that “Chase picked the two strategic players”. (Which means that Fabio doesn’t really understand the word “strategy”.) Sash in a sidebar: That was a stupid move. (Got it, Sash.) But he still thinks he can manipulate the remaining three guys at camp to do his bidding. (Are you sure about that, Sash? Cause you look kind of puny leaning against that tree.)

Sash goes to the three guys and pleads his case. I can be with you guys and we can conquer the world. Dan is initially all for this. (Why wouldn’t he be? He’s completely worthless and will side with anyone who keeps him in the game.) But then Dan gets a little mouthy, pointing out that Sash could just as easily “go the other way”. (Sash just looks at him as if he’s always considered that option, on the island or off.)

Dan in a sidebar, which he doesn’t really deserve, but let’s go with it: “People don’t trust Sash after what he did to Brenda and Marty.” As if anybody should trust DAN, who connives to vote for anybody that’s not him.

Cut to Chase, Holly and Jane at the Reward spa, where they are munching on fruit and getting clean. (Not really sure why we had to see Holly nearly naked, but I suppose somebody out there was probably interested in that opportunity.) Jane is totally psyched about getting to sleep in a Tiki Hut overnight, which is a little odd, but we should let her live her dreams.) While Jane is washing the crust off her body in the outdoor shower, Chase fesses to Holly. Chase: “I made a mistake in picking Jane. It was stupid.” Holly: Yes, it was. We’ll talk later.

Back at camp, we have Fabio and Benry. Fabio: We’ve got to convince Sash to go our way. Benry: He’s not stupid. He will. Then Fabio, Benry and Sash are involved in killing Jane’s chicken (“Kelly-Nay”) while Dan relaxes in the shelter like he’s done since Day One, then they all feast. Uh oh.

Jane, arriving back at camp with Chase and Holly, is distraught over the untimely death of her beloved chicken. “They didn’t have to eat her! I did love my chicken.” Then Jane makes a memorial to the chicken, complete with a cross and a heart in the sand made out of shells. (Which should be really touching, and I do feel sorry for her tears, but Jane, the chicken is protein. At some point your feathered friend had to say goodbye.)

Holly, Chase and Jane. Holly: I don’t trust Sash. Chase: We have to make him trust us. (Agreed. But how are you going to do this? Perform a medley of Village People hits?)

The four loser guys wander back into camp (no word on where they might have been when the Reward people arrived back from the spa where people were willing to touch their private parts and make them feel better). Sash is all huggy with Jane and Holly, but doesn’t do so with Chase, because that action might confirm some things Sash doesn’t want confirmed.)

Ben in a sidebar: I’m nervous. I’m not sure where I stand.

Benry then runs to Chase. He fishes for what Chase and his alliance think about who should go home. Chase hints that it should be Fabio. Oh?

Chase and Sash. Chase is apologetic, regretting about “not taking you”. But “I trusted you to come back to camp with the guys” and not waver. (Oh, good spin, Chase.) Sash then fumbles around, making it clear that diplomacy is not one of his better skills, but he wants to make sure that Chase will take him to the final 3 or 2. Chase agrees. Oh?

Then Holly wanders up to the two, fresh from getting her perm restyled at the Coconut Grove Snip and Clip. Who are we voting for? Chase: Benry said we should go for Fabio. Sash: Benry is totally lying to you. Holly: Does anyone know where I can get a Brazilian wax?

Benry runs to tell Fabio and Dan that that the others are talking about Fabio going home. Fabio doesn’t seem to understand what this means, and Dan high-fives himself for once again slipping under the radar.

Benry in a sidebar: You can’t trust Sash. He’s friends with Momma Holly (he is?), but Chase is “my boy” (he is?), and maybe it’s time for a new alliance.

Ben runs up to Chase, Sash and Holly. He’s good with Fabio going home. Sash: It should be Jane or Fabio next. Chase and Holly just look at Sash like he’s lost his mind. Jane? Are you kidding?

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: You’ll be chained to a long rope, wrapped around this thing that looks like something you would tether a horse to, and you have to untangle yourself to release enough rope so you can run fetch a bag of gold coins. The first 3 to do so will compete in the next phase, where you have to solve a “gold-based” puzzle to win. (What the hell is a “gold-based” puzzle? Is this something the Kardashians have to deal with?)

Off we go, with Fabio, Benry and Sash making it to the final stage. In the end, Sash wins, although Fabio is close behind with the puzzle thing. (Don’t get excited, he’s still stupid, he only got close because he was watching Sash figure out the puzzle.) Sash is safe from eviction.

Shot of creepy birds holding their wings out and planning to devour smaller creatures.

Sash in a sidebar: Now I’m a triple threat, with the Hidden Idol, the Immunity Idol, and the swing vote. I’m in complete control. I can’t wait for the Final Tribal where I win all the money.

Really don’t care for Sash. Sayin.

Fabio to Sash: Will you let me know if my name comes up? Sash: Sure! (Uh huh.)

Fabio in a sidebar: Sash is closer to me than anybody. He’ll let me know. (Uh huh.)

Sash, Chase and Dan. Chase: Everybody’s thinking Fabio. Sash and Dan just stand there, because Sash is playing all sides and can’t remember who he might have lied to, and Dan because he’s too tired to think about actually doing anything with his life.

Sash in another sidebar, with him once again proving his arrogance whilst propped in a tree that he probably needed help in climbing. (I’m guessing Jane gave him a boost while she raced off to save the rainforests.)

Brief squabble at camp, with all the people who are not Fabio trying to decide what to tell Fabio so he won’t be suspicious. Benry thinks it would be better to tell him folks are voting for Holly rather than Jane. Then Benry runs off to impart this news with Fabio, who was too stupid to wonder why everybody was gathered at camp and having a Come to Jesus meeting.

Scene with Sash working Jane, calling her his “second momma”. Jane in a sidebar: It’s Chase, Holly, Sash and me for Final Four. Sash has a great heart. (Oh, honey, we need to talk.) Then Jane runs off to search for the Lost City of Atlantis. And she’ll probably find it.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff can’t help himself when bringing in the Jury, calling NaOnka and Purple Kelly “our two quitters”. They don’t seem to care, since they’ve been sleeping in an actual bed. (And don’t get me started on why they are even allowed to vote on the Jury. This too shall pass.)

Jeff to Chase: Was it such a good move taking Holly and Jane on the Reward extravaganza? Chase: Probably not. Then he flexes his pecs, and it doesn’t really matter.

Jeff to Benry: Concerned that you might be perceived as a physical threat? Benry: Hell, yeah, I’m a threat. (Note to Benry: This is when you need to shut your mouth. Seriously.)

Jeff to Jane: Is Fabio a threat? Jane: Oh, yeah. Well, except for the intelligence part. (Love her.)

Jeff to Fabio: How do you deal with being a physical threat? Fabio: Um, that’s a lot of words, but I think I should say that I’m nice and don’t lie.

Uh huh.

Time to Vote.

1 vote for Holly (Fabio), 2 votes for Fabio (Danny and Benry), and 4 votes for Benry.

Oopsie. Blindside.

Roll end credits.

#181 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 12

2010-12-02T10:37:00.001-06:00

Editor’s Note: For those keeping score, I didn’t do a review of Episode 11, since it was one of those “recap” things where you don’t really learn anything new although it’s still fun to watch idiots flail and run about. But now we’re back to the new stuff. Here we go…

Since it’s been two weeks, Jeff catches us up on the major highlights of what’s happened so far. (This is an important humanitarian thing to do, since in this modern age we no longer have an attention span that lasts longer than 5 minutes.) Cut to the Libertad camp, where people are wandering back home after totally-surprised Brenda was sent home.

Totally-surprised Purple Kelly goes up to NaOnka. What just happened? Why did we send Brenda home? Why didn’t anybody tell me? Nay: Who are you again?

Throughout all the people tottering around in front of the night-vision cameras, knocking each other out of the way to get a sidebar, we have shots of torrential rain and things floating out to sea.

Sidebar with Purple Kelly: “Now I’m at the bottom of the totem pole.” Then she pauses to wonder if what she just said sounds too dirty to say on family TV.

Holly and NaOnka. Holly: What Brenda said about you? Don’t worry. In one ear and out the other. You good.

Nay in a sidebar: Everybody can kiss my ass. Or something like that. It’s Nay.

Chase and NaOnka. Chase: “It’s you, me, Holly and Jane. Now we gotta get Sash, Purple Kelly, and Fabio.” (Um, what about Danny and Benry? Granted, Dan has been in a coma this entire season, except when food is available, but Benry is something to be reckoned with, mainly because you know he’s bitter about his name and has something to prove.)

Weird shot of NaOnka looking tragic with a distant storm superimposed behind her. Uh oh.

Roll opening credits.

Oh look, it’s still storming. We watch the previously cute little river turn into a raging avalanche of froth, with trees and small, pointless nations being swept into the ocean. Everyone is really sad about this development. Especially NaOnka. She’s crying and stuff, telling us in a sidebar that she’s anemic, and when it rains it causes her joints to hurt. Okay, that doesn’t sound like much fun, but sweetie, does it not rain where you normally live? Doesn’t the same thing happen there?

And Purple Kelly is blue as well, also crying, babbling to Fabio and to us in a sidebar that life is miserable. Total suckage. Fabio in his own sidebar: “You have to find a mental happy place.” (I’m thinking Fabio not only found that place, he’s moved there and is never coming back to the real world.)

The storm finally breaks. The sun shines, the waves recede, and chirpy birds return to frolic and sing. Then Jane kills all of the birds with Marty’s abandoned and crusty headband so she can smoke some bird jerky and make an extra shelter out of the bird bones. In her spare time, she rebuilds the Mayan pyramids.

NaOnka and Chase. She fesses that her heart’s not in the game, and that “I’ve had this key forever”, meaning the Hidden Immunity Idol. So she gives it to Chase. “You my boy.” What was that all about? If Nay’s not quitting the game, then she’s totally ate up with the dumbass.

Holly and Jane. Holly: If Purple Kelly and Nay leave, we still have 4 with Sash and Chase. (Sash? Dude-ettes, what makes you think you can trust Sash?) Then Holly runs off to tell Sash and Chase about the new alliance. They both try to pay attention, but they are completely distracted by her hair. How does she get it to curl that way?

Sash in a sidebar: This new alliance benefits me least. I wish NaOnka and Purple Kelly would stay. (Then Sash trips over his own ego and bangs his head on a rock shaped just like Brenda. He doesn’t get the point.)

Time for the Reward Challenge.

As folks march into the clearing, we can see what looks like giant corpses laid out on morgue tables, so I’m not sure where this is going. Jeff explains: There will be two teams, with members tied together, and they have to carry these giant and very heavy “Gulliver’s” over an obstacle course. If you drop Gully, you have to go back and repeat the previous obstacle. The winning team gets to travel to the “Survivor Cinema” and watch a new movie, “Gulliver’s Travels”, starring Jack Black. (Shameless plug, much?)

The castaways just stare at Jeff. How is that a reward?

Jeff: Oh, and you get to eat movie food, like hot dogs and nachos and popcorn and candy.

The tribe lights up. Let’s do it! They split into teams, with Danny (big surprise) having to sit out so the teams will be even. (He has to pick a team to win, so he goes with the Blue Team.) Holly, Nay, Chase and Benry are on the Blue Team. Sash, Fabio, Purple Kelly and Jane are on the Yellow Team. And off we go. It’s really kind of fun watching these people lug around the giant dead people, and it’s also a very close race, with the lead changing constantly. But in the end, the Blue Team wins. (Which means that Danny has once again done nothing but still reaps rewards.)

While Jeff is congratulating the winners, NaOnka interrupts. “Can I say something?” Jeff nods. Nay: My body is wearing down. This is my last day. I just wanted to go out with a bang.

Jeff is instantly pissed. He never likes it when people quit. Jeff: “Anybody else?”

Purple Kelly: Me, too. I’m done.

Jeff is not accepting this. “I’ll give you the afternoon to think about it. Then we’ll meet at Tribal.” (Translation: You had better not quit or I will cut you.) Jeff: Now, back to the Reward. If anybody on the winning team wants to give up their chance to chow down on movie food, then the whole tribe can take back a tarp and enough rice to last to the end of the game.

All eyes immediately turn to NaOnka, since she’s on the winning team and has already said she’s quitting.

Nay just sits there, not saying a word. (Girl, you are SO wrong.)

Benry even tries telling her that she should give up her spot. Nay couldn’t care less. Finally, Holly volunteers to take one for the camp. Holly glares at Nay as she joins the losing team, then goes OFF in a sidebar. She is DONE with NaOnka at this point.

Cut back to camp. The sad losers are bustling about, prepping for yet another storm and praising Holly for her sacrifice. Holly drags Purple Kelly off to the beach for a reality check. Holly: If you quit, you’re always going to be remembered as “the girl who quit“. You need to suck it up.

Purple Kelly in a sidebar: “I have nothing left to suck.” (Oh my.)

Holly in a sidebar: “I’m starving, but I hope that I’m an inspiration for my children.”

Just saying: Holly’s a bit whacked in the head, but she’s creeping toward a possible win. Jane (my current fave) better watch out.

Cut to the “Survivor Cinema”, where folks are going crazy with the junk food. (The shot of Danny shoving an entire hot dog in his mouth is enough to make anyone fear for their life.) Chase in a sidebar: He’s mad about Nay not giving up her movie pass. NaOnka in a sidebar: “I didn’t give 110% just to give up the Reward.” ( Hold up, skank girl, you’re going home. Why are you being such a selfish pig?) Benry in a sidebar: “NaOnka, please, please, leave!”

Then we have shots of the gang totally cracking up at the movie. Granted, we only get to see a few clips, but it’s enough for me to decide that I never want to see this movie, ever, even if they pay me. (Why is Hollywood producing so much crap these days? Oh, that’s right, the Republicans are blocking any progress in Congress. My bad.)

Nay in a sidebar: “If I stay, I can win a million dollars!”

Brian in a sidebar: No, you can’t. People hate you. Go home.

Time for Tribal.

It’s raining once again, so everybody has to troop in looking all pathetic and drippy. (Strange side note: Why does the Jury (Alina, Marty, Brenda) look so happy and chipper? Did I miss something? They should be pissed.) Jeff to Holly: Tell me how you overcame your desire to quit early in the game. Holly gladly obliges, launching into her diatribe about how Jimmy Johnson helped her find Jesus again. (Or at least a season pass for the Dallas Cowboys.)

Jeff to Jane: What would you like to share with the totally worthless people that want to quit? Jane: You gotta have strength, and I hope they stay. (Then Jane runs off to reinforce the Tribal Council platform using some coconuts and a hip bone that she doesn’t really need.)

Jeff to Benry: What do you think about the skanky ho’s? Benry: I’m frustrated that they’re whining when I know they can make it through the last few days. (Then Benry falls off his stump chair, whacking his head on a piece of Jeff’s ego and screaming that Marty’s headband is about to kill him. No one cares.)

Jeff to NaOnka: Did you ever have a chance of winning this game?

Nay: Yes. I know I did.

This makes Jeff twist off even more, so he revisits the point where NaOnka could have given up her spot to watch a movie so the rest of the tribe could have a tarp and rice. Wasn’t that a bit selfish?

Nay: Nope.

(Shot of Jeff doing all he can not to leap over the fire and throttle NaOnka.)

Jeff: Fine. Time for a decision about who’s going to quit. NaOnka?

Nay: I’m gonna quit.

(Jeff’s so clenched right now that the grinding off his teeth could realign the planet.) Jeff: Purple Kelly?

Purp: I’m gonna quit.

Several blood vessels pop in Jeff’s forehead. Jeff: So, loser bitches, what should we do with your torches since you’re whiny quitters? Both of them: Snuff them out like anyone else. Jeff: Oh, no. I’m going to keep your torches in the Tribal area as a reminder that you quit. (That boy is MAD.)

So Jeff does the snuffing, barely civil to either Nay or Purple, then prominently displays their smoldering torches around the Tribal Hut. Jeff to the remaining tribe: It’s time to step it up and actually start playing this game.

Closing shot is of the Jury, incensed that they were voted out by people who are now quitting. Alina appears to be crying, but I’m not sure if it’s because of the unfairness of her situation, or if she just heard that Ricky Martin finally came out of the closet and he’s not interested in women. Because that was such a surprise.

Roll closing credits.

#180 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 10

2010-11-18T09:37:00.000-06:00

So, everyone’s marching back to camp after they sent a very-surprised Marty marching through that creepy cemetery that probably doesn’t lead to anywhere fun. For the most party, everyone seems relieved that Marty and his hair are gone, except for Benry and Fabio. Then again, every single thing that ever happens seems to confuse Fabio, so we shouldn’t be surprised.

Brenda in a sidebar: Tribal Council showed the allegiances tonight. “We took out their little Marty.” Everyone thinks Sasha and I are the king and queen, but really, “Sash is more of a queen, and I’m the king.” (Then Brenda looks around for a swarthy peasant to race up and wash her feet with his hair. This doesn’t immediately happen.)

Jane and Holly get together. Holly: Now it’s you, me, Chase and NaOnka. (It is?) “Brenda has to be stopped.” Holly in a sidebar: “It’s time to make a power move.” (Then crickets chirp while sitting in Holly’s mass of kinky hair as she tries to figure out what a “power move” might be.)

Roll opening credits.

Shots of people wandering around and fussing about the rain. Fabio in a sidebar, while we watch folks perform what he’s talking about: We moved the chests around the fire to protect it from the water. (Um, is that really a good idea?)

Glimpses of Holly and Jane strategizing, with Holly pushing for a blindside of Brenda. Since Jane always seems to have the same expression no matter what, it’s hard to tell what she’s thinking. But Holly is super energized about this power move thing. In a sidebar: I could really keep going in this game! (Then dead crickets fall out of her hair and she thinks it’s raining again.)

Holly and Benry get together. Holly: “Sash and Brenda are in total control!” She then proceeds to lay out what’s happening at camp, and she’s actually very good in making her case, to the point that I’m thinking somebody replaced the person playing Holly during the middle of the night. It can happen. Just ask the cast of “Bewitched”. (In another sidebar, Benry confirms that he wants Sash and Brenda gone. Then again, this is the same guy that thought Marty walked on salty water.)

Shots of Jane running to work on NaOnka about sending Brenda home. Nay seems hip with it, but keep in mind that Nay spends most of her day ate up with the dumb-ass, and you never know what she’s going to do.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Brenda’s like my best friend out here,” but she’s too powerful and we need to get her out. (Then Nay imagines that she hears a bird on the other side of the island talking smack about her, so she runs through the jungle to cut its throat.)

Holly marches up to Chase, with details of the Brenda plan. Chase, surprisingly, is not enthused about this. Really? Why would he not be?

Chase in a sidebar: “Benry should go first!” I don’t trust him. (Dude, I don’t trust him, either, but he’s a bit on the simple side. Worry about him later.)

Holly in a sidebar: “Chase is leery about sending Brenda home, which makes me a little nervous.” (Then Little Orphan Annie races up and asks if Holly is her momma, because they have the same hair.)

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Jeff explains: There will be two teams of five. You have to use barrels, ropes and planks to cross a section of beach. If anybody touches actual sand, your team will have to start over. Winning team gets to traipse around the edge of an active volcano, and then go have pizza. Survivors ready? Go!

It’s really not a contest. The yellow team (Brenda, Benry, Dan, Holly and Sash) completely suck, with people falling on their asses and Useless Dan somehow smashing his hand even though he isn’t doing anything. The blue team (Chase, NaOnka, Jane, Fabio and Kelly) basically race across the beach and triumph. They be gettin’ some pizza, yo.

Cut to the winners climbing out of a helicopter on top of this volcano. Part of the festivities include these folks riding boards down a slope of volcanic ash. They all whoop and holler like it’s the best thing ever, including Jane, who ends her ride by uttering “That was fun as crap!” (Still love her. Just keep it together, girl, and you just might make it to the end.)

Cut back to camp, where the sad losing team hasn’t arrived yet, but we see, as we sort of suspected, that the stupid decision to place wooden chests around the fire, “to protect it”, has had disastrous results. Flames are billowing and things are exploding. Not good.

And here comes the yellow team, totally stunned that the camp now looks like somebody had a frat party and things got out of hand. Ashes are everywhere, the chests are gone, the tarp over the hut is melted, and most of the food has moved on to a better place. Disparaging remarks are made.

Back to the volcano, where happy people are feasting on pizza and fixins’, totally unaware that the homestead has suffered a blow. Once fed and belching, they start to strategize, when NaOnka suddenly jumps up and drags Fabio away. (The other three just sit there, because when it comes to Nay, she just doesn’t have the social skills that a decent person should have.)

Off to the side, NaOnka spills the Brenda plan to Fabio. Interestingly enough, he’s quite fine with it, as long as they don’t let Brenda know about it. (Duh, Fabio. You would have to be an idiot to tell Brenda what was going on.)

Speaking of, once the volcano pizza eaters return to camp, Chase runs to tell Brenda what is going on. “And it’s Holly that is orchestrating the plan.” And Benry. (Well, Holly may have started it, but everybody else is knocking each other down to join the band wagon. Shouldn’t you tell Brenda that as well? Wait, my bad, I forgot that Chase having more than one thought in his head makes him go to a dark place.)

But get this. Brenda’s reaction in a sidebar: “I don’t have to do anything to beat them. I’m not that impressed.”

My fingers are so firmly crossed at this point that they kick her out that my fingers have almost snapped in two.

Quick meeting with Chase and NaOnka. He’s really pushing for Benry to go home. (What is his deal with Benry?)

NaOnka immediately runs to tell Benry. Dude, Chase wants your ass, and not in a fun way.

Benry in a sidebar: Chase is crazy.

NaOnka, always a very busy girl, runs to tell Jane that Chase is wigging out. (Jane in a sidebar: Chase better not go back on his word to me. “Carolina people don’t like that.”)

NaOnka, still busy, break-dances her way to Holly. Nay: “I don’t trust Chase.” Holly: “TOLD you. What the hell is wrong with Chase?” (Then they both pause to wave at Jeff Probst’s luxury yacht as it sails past in the bay.)

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains again: You have to stand on this very small platform and lean back over water while holding a rope. Every five minutes, you have to move your hands further down on the rope. Last person still leaning wins.

Sash drops almost right away. (Really? The king of the island?) Kelly tumbles next, followed by Holly, Brenda (yay!), Dan, Fabio and NaOnka. All of this in the first round. The remaining folks then have to move down to a lower section of the rope. Benry splashes into the water next, leaving just Jane and Chase. They hang for a while, then Chase starts smack-talking about how he can last forever. Jane, visibly trembling, announces that she’s going to drop.

Jeff ain’t havin’ none of that. He tells Jane that she is NOT going to just give up. (Me thinks Jeff is a tiny bit sweet on Jane. He didn’t say a word to the previous eight people who took the plunge of shame.) Jane hunkers down. And Chase falls.

So Jane, oldest one of them all, once again beats out all the young studs and wins Immunity. This pleases me immensely.

Back at camp, we have the traditional scurrying as folks figure out who gets to tromp through the creepy cemetery.

Jane in a sidebar: I’m thrilled that I won! As long as she doesn’t have an Idol, Brenda is going home.

Sash and Chase get together. Sash: So, who’s going home. Chase, incomprehensibly, is still pushing for Benry to go. (Then both of them pause to admire their reflections in a nearby puddle, until NaOnka comes along and stomps in the puddle, because it gets on her nerves when people are happy.)

NaOnka, once her feet are dry, runs to Sash. Nay: “Chase is pissing me off, he’s so paranoid.” Then she spills about the Brenda plan. To SASH. (This is SO risky, Nay, why are you doing this?) Amazingly, Sash admits in a sidebar: “It’s not a bad idea” to send Brenda home. Oh? Guess you all weren’t so tight after all. Heyyy.

Scene with Chase and Fabio. Chase is about to share some intricate intel, but nosey Holly comes waltzing up, still shaking crickets out of her nest hair. She pushes once more for the Brenda plan, then she runs off to have her curls tightened even more so her brain doesn’t completely fall out.

Brenda and Chase. Brenda: So what’s the game plan? Chase: You. There’s not enough numbers to save you. Brenda: Nay would never vote for me. Chase: Uh….

Brenda in a sidebar: I just gotta be strong and act like I’m not bothered by all of this. (Honey, you should be bothered. Even your besties are throwing your name out. This is not the time to be acting all Zen and assuming the planets will align to keep you here. Time for some suck-up groveling, yes?)

Brenda, Chase and Sash. Brenda, mainly to Sash, because she doesn’t think that Chase has the intellect to understand: “There’s no way you can get the numbers back if I go home tonight.” (I guess it hasn’t occurred to Brenda that even if she stays, the numbers aren’t what she thinks they are. This is my favorite part of “Survivor”, when clueless people, especially arrogant clueless people, can’t see the light.)

But maybe things aren’t so grim for Brenda. Sash in a sidebar: “I might have to give the Idol to Brenda.” Followed by Brenda in a sidebar: “I hope Sash gives me the Idol, and then we can blind-side NaOnka.”

Time for Tribal.

Jeff tries to get Sash’s thoughts on how things are going in camp, and Sash lies out his ass about how he was totally surprised by Marty going home the last time. (Dude, you voted for him to go.) Jeff then prods at Chase, with him admitting “the strong alliances are gone”. Brenda, irked by this, tries to throw people under the bus: “NaOnka is wanting to jump ship.”

A brief pause while we reflect that NaOnka jumped ship a long time ago, and will probably never be back on deck.

Jeff pokes at Nay: Jumping ship? Nay: I’m not the one that started all this. (Which is kind of true. Holly started it. But Nay had no problem picking up the ball and running like a bat out of hell.)

Jeff to Kelly: Your thoughts? Kelly: “This is the first council where I don’t know what’s going on.” (The first council? Are you serious with that?)

Jeff to Sash: What happens when you break trust? Sash: You go home. (Oh? But you broke your trust with Marty, Sash. You’re still here. What up with that kind of response?)

And here’s the kicker. Jeff tries to find out from Brenda how she’s been acting in camp to keep her chances alive, and he gets fed up with her egotistical responses: “Are you too proud for the word ‘scrambling’?”

Brenda: “I think so.”

Oh my.

Time for the vote.

Jeff does the tally thing, then: “Anyone want to play the Idol?”

Brenda turns to look at Sash, her expression clearly indicating that she expects him to fork it over. He doesn’t, instead pretending that there is something completely fascinating off to the side that he really needs to look at.

1 vote for NaOnka (Brenda), 1 vote for Benry (Kelly, of all people, so I guess she really didn’t know what was going on), and 8 votes for Brenda. She gone.

Jeff: Well, there’s one thing to be learned here. If you want to win, you’ve got to fight for it.

Then the tribe wanders away to go sleep with the ashes.

Roll end credits.

#179 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 9

2010-11-11T13:47:00.000-06:00

We start out at the Libertad camp, right after they’ve sent Alina packing. NaOnka in a sidebar: She thinks Marty went too far in his attacks on Jane. (Which is true, he did, but Nay, dumplin‘, you go too far with everything, so I’m not sure that you and that thing on your head should be the one talking about this.)

We see Chase whispering to Brenda: Please tell me you didn’t buy that crap Marty was spewing. Brenda acts like she was all offended by Marty, but you know Brenda’s a sneaky one so she’s probably thrilled that it happened. Then Jane gives her a wake-up call: “Well, wait until he attacks you, honey.” Brenda should really consider this, but she’s too busy waiting for someone to hand her the money because she thinks she’s already won.

Cut to Jane in a sidebar: She has nothing but glowing things to say about wonderful Mr. Marty. Not. “He knows his days are numbered.”

Roll opening credits.

Right when we come back from the commercials, the producers unleash something on the soundtrack that sounds like a man being torn apart by wild pigs. Since we have the volume cranked so we don’t miss any important snide remarks in a sidebar, this screech-noise echoes up and down the block, with lights popping on in neighboring houses. I don’t know what that was, but they don’t need to do it again.

We see Marty and Sash doing something with a water barrel, with Marty trying to figure out which other person voted for him at the last tribal. (It was Holly.) Marty in a sidebar: “It’s frustrating trying to play the game with people that are just stupid.” Well, Marty, it’s also frustrating playing with arrogant buttheads, so that makes it a level playing field, don’t you think? Now go do something on a part of the island where the cameras can’t reach you.

Next we have folks standing around eating rice, because that’s always exciting. Marty tells Benry and Dan what the plan is (because he’s the only one smart enough to have a plan, right?). Marty wants to tell everyone that they are voting for NaOnka, to flush the Idol out, and then actually send Jane home. Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-Worthless both nod like this is the greatest plan, ever. (Of course, someone has to run up and nod Dan’s head for him, because he can’t do it on his own.)

Jane in a sidebar: Like I can’t hear you, Marty. Dumb-ass. Marty knows there’s a noose around his neck and he’s desperate. “I’d like to take him to the woodshed and whip his ass.” (Love her.)

Time for the Reward Challenge, with the winners getting to ride zip-lines and then have a nice barbecue. (When folks hear about the fixins that await at the barbecue, most of them have involuntary orgasms, especially Brenda, who apparently has a very special relationship with apple pie.) To win, your team just has to be the first to negotiate a very strenuous obstacle course, find three keys, then open three locks at the end of the run. Jeff announces that they will now randomly draw for the two teams.

Random? We end up with all the ladies on one team, and all the guys on the other, with Chase having to sit out so the teams are even. No offense, ladies, but this isn’t really fair, with such a physical challenge. The guys are already smirking, instantly assuming that they will win, so of course we have to root for the girls.

Jeff turns to Chase, and makes him pick a team to win. If that team does succeed, he gets to fly through the air and eat barbecue with them. Otherwise, nada. Chase opts to side with the women, which earns him the undying hatred of the guys. And off we go.

At first it’s really close, but since we’re dealing with things like breaking through strong brick walls, the guys eventually pull ahead. (The first time the girls hit that brick wall, they bounce right off, which would have been funny if critical things like apple pie weren‘t involved.) Dan, of course, basically has to be carried through part of the course, but the guys eventually win. And as expected, the guys give Chase all sorts of smack for not picking them.

Interesting twist: Jeff asks the guys if any of them are willing to give up their spot so one of the girls can go, with Jeff pointing out that this is a social and strategic game. The guys take one millisecond to all say no. Jeff: See that? “Whatever alliances exist, they aren’t existing right now.” Word.

Marty in a sidebar: “Watching Chase join Jane was like watching the movie “Dumb and Dumber”. (Whatev, Marty. You’re such a jerk.)

Cut to the boys riding the zip lines. They seem to be having a good time and all, except for Dan. Even when riding something designed to make him go fast, he falls apart. He doesn’t even have to do anything, which is his specialty, but he still can’t handle it, inching along like it’s jello time at the old folks home.

They finally get to the food, where Marty promptly starts babbling about his plan to trick NaOnka and send Jane home. The guys all seem to be on board, but it’s hard to gauge their true feelings when they’re all shoving sausages in their mouths. (Danny eats and drinks more than anybody, because it’s HARD WORK doing nothing all day.)

Fabio, of all people (he’s not the sharpest fool in the bed), wonders what Brenda thinks of Chase, which is a good question. Brenda is pivotal. Marty doesn’t really care, like Chase is completely unimportant. Dan agrees about Chase. (“He’s a bad horse to ride.” Yep, Dan said that. Even the cameraman stumbles when he hears Dan saying somebody else is worthless.)

Sash in a sidebar: Marty’s plan makes sense, but “Brenda and I are the two smartest minds out here. In the end, she and I have the power to send whoever we want home.” (I’d still sleep with one eye open, Sash. It’s the people who relax and get too comfortable in this game that usually get hit with a blindside. Sayin.)

Back at camp, the girls all love on Chase for supporting them. Well, except for Brenda, in a sidebar: He didn’t make a smart move. He should have went with the guys. “Chase doesn‘t make smart moves, that‘s his problem.” (Really? Can you count, Brenda? The five girls plus Chase can trump any vote coming from the five other guys. Oh, wait. You and Sash are joined at the arrogant hip. My bad.)

Anyway, Brenda aside, they all want Marty out. Holly and Chase have a sidebar where they worry about Brenda, but they end the convo with Holly saying “You gotta trust her. That’s all you can do.” (No, you actually should do more than that, but I understand that you may not have time, since it takes so long for you to shove all that hair of yours under your buff.) Chase and NoOnka chat, with Chase still worried about Brenda. Nay warns him about upsetting Brenda: “Just don’t get on her nerves.”

Chase, not listening, proceeds to do just that, cornering Brenda on the beach and grilling her, while NaOnka sits nearby and shakes her head over the stupid farm boy. Cue Brenda in a sidebar: “Chase is like a little baby, always going waah-waah-waah.”

Next we have Marty walking up with tree mail about the next Immunity challenge, which is going to be a memory test. Jane in a sidebar: “Anybody needs to win, except for Marty.” Yep. Then Jane runs off to chop wood, plow a field and shoe some horses, all before supper.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Basically, Jeff is going to show them several images in a row. Then the players have to show him these same images back using a multi-sided cube. As soon as you mess up, you’re out. Jane, NaOnka, Dan, Holly, Kelly and Sash all drop in the first round. Fabio (yep, he made it this far, can you believe it?), Chase and Benry drop during the second round, with Marty and Brenda being the final two alive. Brenda wins. (Jane practically explodes with joy.)

Back at camp, the scrambling begins. We start with Fabio and Benry, wondering if their plan to evict Jane will work. Fabio actually says this line: “I hate playing stupid so much.” Uh huh. Anyway, they decide to lay low and see how it goes. Next up is Marty, Dan and Chase, with Marty telling Chase it’s going to be Nay. (Marty tries using a sports analogy that doesn’t really prove anything other than the fact that Marty plays different sports than anybody else.)

Shot of Marty on the beach, looking paranoid as hell, while Jane sits nearby, plotting his death.

Chase and Holly, with Holly wondering what Marty has said to him. Chase fesses that they’re saying NaOnka, but he thinks they plan to blindside Jane. (Smart man.) Holly: “So, who are you voting for?” Chase: “I’m voting for Marty.” Holly carries on this conversation by constantly shoving fruit in her mouth, so she might have some focus issues.

Marty runs up to Brenda, presenting his plan as “Sash’s plan”. That’s what everybody wants. (Brenda in a sidebar: “I agreed to it, but Marty’s not running the camp. Sash and I are running the camp.” )

Brenda and Sash get together, where they agree that Marty would probably be a good choice, but both of them are bothered by the fact that most of the camp wants Marty gone, and they don’t like “Jane demanding things”.

Seriously, they are mad that Marty wasn’t their own decision, even though they agree with it. What the hell? How more self-involved can you get? (Me? More than ready for Marty to go, but right behind that I can’t wait to see Brenda and Sash slam up against the wall of reality. Should be fun.) Sash actually says he’d prefer that Marty stay for a while because he’s a good cook.

What is wrong with these two?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff asks several questions, but it really comes down to one thing: NaOnka completely loses her mind. She snaps at Jeff, tears into Marty (“I don’t like him!”), rips into Fabio, and basically goes on an expletive-filled rant. Jeff: “I’m speechless. Something tells me that if you can go off like this, tribal after tribal, and you’re still here, I’m expecting you to still be sitting here at the final.”

Oh?

Time to vote.

Jeff asks about the Idol, and NaOnka doesn’t move. Something is up.

Jeff draws out the results.

Jane, Marty, Jane, Jane, Jane, Marty, Marty, Marty… and… another Marty. When Marty sees that fifth vote for him, the look of utter shock on his face is priceless. Smirking, Jeff reveals another vote for Marty, and that’s enough, he’s going home. It seems that Brenda and Sash decided that Marty wasn‘t that great a cook after all. (Jane winks at a grinning Alina on the jury.)

I crack a beer, because it’s time to celebrate.

In the previews for next week, everybody is standing around staring at the ground, totally shocked. Benry: “This is a day from hell.”

What?

Roll closing credits.

#178 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 8

2010-11-04T11:08:00.000-05:00

We start out at the La Flor camp, with lovely shots of angry birds devouring the carcasses of dead animals. Real nice. Then we have Marty in a sidebar: “I’m a dead man walking.” Jill was a good player. “Now there are people left who have no right to be here.” Like you, Marty? Just asking.

Cut to Fabio wandering back into camp, waving tree mail. (How he even managed to find the tree mail is beyond anything I can comprehend.) Turns out that there’s a map and a key. It’s time for a merge! Everybody parties like it’s 1999, even though half the people in the tribe weren’t even born then.

Another sidebar with Marty: He thinks this merge is the greatest development ever. “I’m back in the saddle again!” Oh boy.

Roll opening credits.

Now we’re at the Espada camp, where folks stumble upon a big chest, with a note on top: Don’t open until you have the key. This gang also realizes that it’s merge time, and they have a mild celebration, although it’s not really clear if they even understand what a merge means. Benry in a sidebar: “Now we gotta start playing as individuals. And Alina has got to go.”

Dude, not sure that Alina should be your target right now. Oh wait. Your name is Benry, which is not a real name. It’s understandable if you have focus issues.

Alina tries to rally the rest of the tribe: If we all stick together, we’ll go far. Let’s get Marty!

Crickets chirp.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Nobody’s buying it.”

The La Flor tribe comes stumbling into the Espada camp, with the Espada folks stunned that Jill is gone. (So is Jill.) We zip to another Marty sidebar, because Marty is apparently the Russell in this season, getting all the camera time: “I have a new lease on life!” Thousands of people don’t cheer.

They open the mysterious chest, and find lots of food and brand-new buffs. Marty immediately dubs the new tribe “Libertad”. (It’s the Spanish word for freedom. Yay!) Everyone accepts this without discussion, so once again Marty has baffling powers over his tribe mates. They drag the chest back to camp and the feasting begins.

NaOnka in a sidebar: She babbles for a while about the wondrous joys of eating tasty food. Then, while detailing the fabulousness of some sausage she had, Nay compares the sausage to her fine booty, and then she toots.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, NaOnka actually broke wind on national TV. On purpose.

That right there goes a long way toward explaining so much about modern American society. No wonder the rest of the world doesn’t take us seriously anymore.

NaOnka, after her startling gaseous liberation, runs to find Brenda and spill some tea: You have to watch Alina. She don’t have an alliance. Brenda, unaware that Nay could easily kill her with a wave of her booty, spills as well about what has been going on since NaOnka had to go live with those horrid old people in the other camp. NaOnka: “It’s about to get real wicked!” up in here.

Um, I think it already did. Do you not see the birds dropping from the sky, gasping for breath?

Cut to Jane and Chase, with Jane running her country mouth about how she trained real dang hard to be on “Survivor”. And she owns a shotgun. (Chase in a sidebar: “She makes me miss my Momma.” Oh? Does your Momma have firearms as well? Is it required in your state?) Since they’re both from North Carolina, they decide that they completely love each other and will do anything to help each other along. At least for this episode.

Next we have NaOnka making tortillas at the campfire. She gets a little bent out of shape when her hooligan tribe mates eat all of the good tortillas and only leave her a nasty little one. So she decides to steal the sack of flour, so nobody can have tortillas again, ever. (Holly sees her do this.) We watch Nay stomp off into the jungle and bury the flour, mumbling incessantly to herself about how the world done her wrong.

But she doesn’t stop there. Nay slips back into camp and steals cooking utensils, frying pans, fruit, and one of Rupert’s tie-dye t-shirts. She dashes off to hide this loot as well. How can she possibly think this is a good idea? What is wrong with her?

Cut to a conversation between Alina and NaOnka. Alina: So, are you going to stay with the six of us (former La Flor) or get back with Brenda? (Very perceptive.) NaOnka, totally lying: Stay with the six, of course. Then Nay shows Alina all the crap that she stole. Alina seems to be a bit surprised by Nay’s actions, but this doesn’t stop her from sharing some of the fruit with Nay. NaOnka, sucking on an orange slice with ferocious intensity: “Everybody wants you out!” Alina is stunned, juice dribbling off her own chin. Why me?

NaOnka in a sidebar: I told her that just for the jury vote, so she think we tight because I warned her.

Back to the main camp, where folks are starting to realize that they got a whole mess of stuff gone AWOL. Holly calls out NaOnka. Yo, that flour you shoved in your Gucci bag before you run to the woods like the Po-Po comin’, did you put it back? Nay completely lies. Of course I put it back. Then Nay gets all huffy, mad that people are questioning her integrity. (Hello?) Fabio, of all people, completely loses it, and heated discussion ensues. Fabio cusses, Nay continues to deny, and Alina just stands there, wordless, wishing that all of this would just go away so she can go somewhere and change alliances once again.

Cut to Alina, Chase and NaOnka, trying to convince Nay to fess up. Chase: Everyone knows you did it.

Two minutes later, Nay marches into camp and does just that. To an extent. She admits to taking the flour, but only so she could “ration” it. And because Nay is Nay, she gets all street about it and snaps at the people who don’t buy her fake motive. This girl is just a twist away from a total meltdown.

Marty in a sidebar: Stealing food? On “Survivor”? Skank should go home. “But this game’s never simple”. True dat. But while we’re on the subject of what one shouldn’t do on “Survivor”, Marty, let’s review your performance. Oh, never mind, we don’t have time for that. We’d be here through the 2012 elections.

Brenda in a sidebar: “Alina confessed to being part of it. Sucks to be Alina right now.” (Actually, Brenda, Alina didn’t confess to squat, mainly because she didn’t do anything. Starting to really not like you even if your hair does look pretty in the fading sunlight.)

Chase, Sash, Brenda and Jane are sitting around, waiting for anything of the tiniest bit of interest to happen before the next challenge. They all decide that they need to distance themselves from NaOnka and her need to snatch and run. Then a bird flies overhead, and the three youngsters all scream and run for cover while Jane reaches for her trusty shotgun that isn’t there.

Sash in a sidebar: I need to take Nay to the Final Three. There is no way that anybody is going to vote for her after what she’s done. (Sash is quite confident that he’s going to be in this Final Three. I’m quite confident that Sash will be sent home before then because people are sick of his teeth being too white.)

Sash runs to NaOnka: Just keep acting like you are really sad about your crimes against nature. NaOnka nods, then seems to realize that her hairdo alone is one of those crimes, and she might have a tough sell.

Meanwhile, Jane keeps catching fish like they are falling from the sky, and she sashays into camp with her latest catch, doing one of her silly dances that somebody back on the farm ignorantly blessed as something she should actually do again. (Shot of Marty and Benry and… one of the other guys, I don’t remember… making fun of Jane. Yet they are laying on their asses in the camp hut while Jane feeds them all. I’m actually starting to really root for Jane over these lazy, self-centered, extremely egotistical losers. But I’m not bitter.)

Marty in a sidebar: Jane is a cancer. She’s got to go. (Then Marty pauses to wait for hundreds of people to applaud his wisdom. This does not immediately happen.)

Marty runs to tell Brenda that Jane is the devil incarnate. Brenda just nods and waits for the camera to stop filming their conversation.

Brenda in a sidebar: Marty has the wrong impression of Jane. Maybe we need to get rid of that at Tribal. (I’m assuming that “that” is Marty, but it’s not clear.)

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: You have to use these metal handles to keep tension on a steel bar. If you don’t keep the pressure up, the bar will fall and break a tile, and you’re out. Oh, and the last man AND woman standing will win Immunity. Ready, GO!

Within two seconds, Kelly Purple drops her rod. Within three seconds, Dan drops his. (Dude can’t blame his leg for this one. He’s just worthless all the way around.) As time goes on, they drop in this order: Alina, Brenda, Benry, Sash, NaOnka, and Holly. Which means that Jane is the last woman standing and wins Immunity.

But she doesn’t want to give up. Jane: “What if I want to beat them?” (The three remaining guys.) Jeff, possibly turned-on by Jane’s stamina, lets her continue. Marty drops, followed by Chase, meaning that Fabio wins the Guy Immunity. Fabio lets loose of his rod, but Jane doesn’t. She shifts to the side before letting go. “I don’t want to break my tile.”

Jane outlasted all the guys. It’s official, I think I’m in love and want her to win.

Quick scene with everybody marching back to camp, and Marty is royally pissed that Jane is safe at the next Tribal. Good.

Once at camp, Jane gathers all the females and pretends to just be celebrating her win, but she whispers to them “I only wanted to beat Marty. He’s my number one choice to evict.” The rest of the girls play along, laughing and pretending that nothing sinister is going on.

Scene with Purple Kelly, Jane and Alina. It seems that all the girls would love for Marty to go home. (Jane has a small orgasm upon hearing this news.) They just need to convince Sash so they can have the extra vote they need.

Scene with Jane, NaOnka, Chase and Holly. Yep, they want Marty gone.

Then, stupidly, Chase runs to tell Dan, of all people, that it’s going to be “Marty or Alina.” Chase, you idiot, this kind of dumb-assedness is why people are leery of folks from North Carolina. You are not representing well here.

Sash marches up to Jane and Chase: I promised. I have to give the Idol back to Marty if I think he‘s in danger. Don’t make me go back on my word. (Sash, do you want to win or not? That’s the question.) Jane: Then give me the Idol. You won’t have it to give it back. Sash, of course, has no intention of doing so.

Jane in a sidebar: She’s very mad about this “Idol Gives Back” agreement. “I am NOT voting for Alina.” I can’t vote for someone that I don’t think deserves to go home.

Have I mentioned that I’m sweet on Jane at the moment? Love her.

Dan runs (okay, he hobbles) to Marty, which we totally expected, spilling about what Chase told him, that it’s Marty or Alina going home. Marty immediately goes into Paranoia Mode.

Marty runs to Sash. What’s going on? Sash assures Marty that he’s not in danger.

This is not good enough for Marty. He corners Sash and Brenda. What’s going on? Dan said Chase said such and such. Sash and Brenda act like they have no idea what Chase is talking about. Marty, because he really thinks highly of himself, then starts bellowing that if anybody tries to vote him out, he will crush them. Really? With what, Marty? The Idol that you no longer have?

Scene with Alina, Jane and Holly, with all of them realizing that they probably don’t have Sash’s vote. Go to Plan B. Alina: Let’s get Fabio to vote our way. (Fabio? He has issues with remembering how to breathe.)

But Alina goes to him anyway. “Vote Marty.” Fabio: I thought we were voting NaOnka first. (Oh please. Nay has a freakin Idol. Are you not paying any attention whatsoever, Fabio?) Alina, realizing that she should use Fabio‘s stupidity to her advantage, encourages Fab to vote for Nay since it will help her cause in the end. Fabio then goes on a mindless rant about not wanting to vote for Marty. Alina tries to be a trooper and appear to be interested in his thoughts, but she finally gives up and wanders away. Fabio doesn’t even notice.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Holly: “Is the game changing?”

Holly: Yep. People will do anything to get ahead. At this point, you can’t just agree with everyone, you have to take risks.

I’m stunned that Holly actually has some insight. Did she figure this out on her own, or did she stumble across a copy of the script while sneaking onto Jeff’s yacht in order to sink one of his over-starched shirts?

Then Marty has to jump in: “I want to clear the air.” Then he rips into Jane, going way beyond reality and clearly proving that he is just an arrogant ass. “If she makes it to the Final Three, I will vote for her” because she has fooled all these people.

Jeff to Alina: Did Marty just hurt himself?

Alina: He just posed himself as the biggest threat. (Not the greatest grammar, but point taken.)

Dan, being his usual worthless self and acting like a five-year-old: “Alina and NaOnka took food!”

NaOnka: “I’M the one that took the food.” Alina didn’t have squat to do with that mess.

Jeff, apparently not hearing what Nay just said, or even bothering to review the episode that we just watched, to Alina: What do you do to get this stigma off of you?

Alina: I’m not a threat. I’m just a pawn. And people can use pawns to get the votes they need.

Very good point. But is anybody listening?

Time to vote.

Two votes for Marty (Jane and Alina). Everybody else votes for Alina.

Jeff: Alina will be the first member of the jury. But it seems that you are “still making decisions as a group. That will have to give.”

At this point, Jane should just whip out that shotgun of hers and demand the prize money. Nobody else deserves it.

Roll end credits.

#177 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 7

2010-10-28T12:07:00.000-05:00

We start out at the Espada camp, right after they’ve stupidly sent Yve home instead of worthless Dan. Amazingly, some of them are loving on Danny, glad that he’s still here. Dan is even calling himself “Teflon Dan”, convinced he’s in it for the long run. Blech. (Chase in a sidebar: “It’s going to be a tough pill to swallow” if Dan costs us the next competition. Um, maybe you should have thought of that before you voted.)

Next we have Chase, NaOnka and Holly off to the side. Chase: Alina is next. The girls nod enthusiastically, and then conversation come to a complete halt as Chase and Nay realize that Holly still has her bathing suit on backwards and they’re too tired to bring it up.

Cut to the La Flor tribe, right after they’ve crudely sent home Kelly B because she was brazen enough to come on “Survivor” with a metal leg. Marty and Jill confront Sash about the vote. What just happened? Sash at first tries to act like he doesn’t know what they’re talking about, then finally weakly hints that the Idol had something to do with it. Then Sash runs off to look at his reflection in the water.

Marty in a sidebar: Jane is a miserable wretch and she has to go. Then Marty runs to look at his reflection in the water, sees Sash already doing that, gets extremely jealous, and tries to vote Jimmy Johnson out. Oh wait, I might be a little bit confused.

Roll opening credits.

Back to the La Flor tribe, where Marty confronts Jane. Marty: I never lied to you, I never misrepresented you, I never wrote your name down, and I never suggested your name.

Jane: That there was a whole lot of words so I really don’t know what you’re hollerin’ about. But I never had a clue.

Marty: I think you wrote my name down.

Jane just cackles and runs off to the Cornpone Festival on a nearby island.

Marty runs to Jill and shares the conversation he had with Jane. Of course, Marty makes it sound like Tokyo Jane whipped out a machete and tried to hack him to death and he barely escaped with his life, because Marty is all about understatement and subtlety.

Jill in a sidebar: Marty and I are scrambling to stay alive. Hmmm. I wouldn’t call it scrambling. I’d call it both of you sitting around and not networking. Fair?

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Jeff describes the prize as a “Nicaraguan Farm Experience”. (What the hell? Was this an early Jimmy Hendrix band?) Nope, the winning tribe apparently gets to ride horses and then gets to eat breakfast as well as drink milk that they have collected from cows. You can tell by the confused expressions that half the people thought milk came from plastic bottles, not cows.

Anyway, the tribes have to run down this little ramp, leap through the air, throw a ball at a net, then splash into a primitive swimming pool. Trouble is, one person from the other tribe is standing on a platform between you and the net, trying to swat away your efforts. Chase and Fabio are the defenders, and everybody else is hurling. And we’re off.

Some highlights: Marty manages to nail Chase right in the privates, probably because people aren’t paying enough attention to his own testosterone. Danny pathetically stops at the end of the ramp, weakly tosses the ball, and then falls in the water. He misses, but Jeff warns him: It will not count if you don’t jump. Oh, and Fabio pees in the pool, which totally mortifies everyone. (Like they never have, but still, Fabio dude, why did you have to talk about it?)

In the end, Espada wins Reward. Cheering on their part ensues.

In a sidebar, Purple Kelly admits to being confused about how you “milk your own milk”. Those poor cows don’t know what’s coming. Has anyone cleared this with PETA?

Over to the La Flor camp, where we see Jane fishing, alone. While she doesn’t catch anything, she rattles on about “the word quit is not in my vocabulary”, she’s trying to stay in good graces with the youngsters, and they can “lounge around all they want as long as they think I’m important”. We then see several shots of the youngsters lying about the camp, waiting for someone to walk up and hand them food. No one does.

Sash in a sidebar: The old people can feed me all they want, but in the end it’s about how loyal you are to me. (Gee, he’s not arrogant at all, is he? A real saint.)

Cut to the Espada tribe astride horses plodding along some trail. (Chase in a sidebar: “Riding horses reminds me of God.” Oh? Just what church do you go to? Saint McDonald’s?) The tribe eventually rides up to a farm and everybody falls off their horses. (NaOnka’s horse looks especially displeased, so no telling what Nay did to the poor thing on the way over.)

Time to milk the cows, who look especially thin and haggard. (You’d think the casting department would have done a better job. Then again, they aren’t so good at picking out humans, either.) Shots of people tugging and pulling while the cows politely tolerate them.

NaOnka, detailing her unenthusiastic attempt at milk squirting: “I don’t play with animals’ nipples trying to get milk out.” Oh my.

Back to the La Flor camp, where we are treated to a montage of everybody else doing nothing while Jane continues to fish. She eventually snags one, then decides to race into the woods and cook it up for herself. In a very extended monologue, she rambles on about how people don’t give her enough credit, and that she deserves to have this solitary meal. Of course, her vocal delivery is full of garbled, homespun phrases so I don’t really get everything she says. She may have actually been talking about giving birth to triplets for all I know.

More of the Espada tribe at the local farm, where they are dining on fresh cheese and fruits and fixins, while the locals stand around in that confused way the locals always do when the “Survivor” behemoth rolls into a remote town and tells folks to do something authentic and native. Holly starts babbling about how this spread reminds her of home, then she burst into emotional tears, followed by Alina joining the waterworks.

Surprisingly, even NaOnka seems to tear up, showing that she might have a heart that actually beats. (Then she ruins it in a sidebar, bitter about Holly and Alina trying to look like they were bonding: “I can play that game”. She was faking it.) NaOnka’s horse whinnies from the sidelines, indicating that Nay does indeed play, just not in a nice way. The horse then speaks with the ranch foreman about his mental health benefits and a possible medical leave.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains what the tribes will do: Two people stand on a tower, and roll balls down a chute. 4 members of the tribe will pull on ropes to adjust the chute. The goal is to direct the balls so they will break 5 tiles that belong to the other tribe. Winning tribe gets immunity, losing tribe has to stand there and look sad.

Off we go, and it’s really not a contest. Almost immediately, the La Flor tribe starts arguing about how to do things. (If you were to guess that Marty was part of the problem, you’d get a gold star.) Espada easily wins.

Jill in a sidebar: Marty has the Idol, so it’s probably me. Dramatic music ensues, shots of creepy animals doing slithery things in the forest.

La Flor camp.

Marty hangs his Idol on a tree again, just so everybody can remember that he has it. Of course they remember. You haven’t stopped talking about it since you found it.

The youngsters and Jane gather for a confab. Sash spells it out: We vote 3 for Marty (hoping to flush the Idol), 2 for Jill. This will lead to a tie between Jill and whoever Marty and Jill finger. Then they all vote Jill.

Another sidebar with Jane, where she explains that she really, really, really can’t stand Marty and Jill. Wants them gone. Got it.

Back to Sash and Our Gang. Sash: What if I go to Marty, tell him this plan, then counter-offer by asking Marty to give me the Idol, and promise to vote for Jane. Then we actually vote Marty out. Hurray! Everyone’s eyes sparkle at this bit of treachery and deception. Then they all lay back down, because talking is such hard work. Except for Jane. She runs off into a nearby field to build a log cabin.

Brenda and Sash on the beach, positioning themselves so that the fading sunlight emphasizes their pleasing bone structure. Sash: If we play this plan, Jill won’t trust us. Brenda: So?

Fine. So Sash moseys up to Marty, and kicks the plan into gear, using phrases like “look you in the eye man-to-man” and “shake on it”. (Words that, if you’ve ever watched the show, should be total warning signs.) Marty: I’ll just go home next week. Sash: “If we lose Immunity next week, I’ll give the Idol back.” Marty and his hair seem to seriously contemplate this possibility.

Marty in a sidebar: “I feel completely powerless!” (To be fair, you basically always were. You just didn’t want to face the fact.)

Amazingly, Marty gives the Idol to Sash. (Say it with me, folks: Dumb-ass.)

Marty in a sidebar: This might give me another cycle in the game. (So would keeping the Idol and playing it to save yourself. Hello?)

Sash in a sidebar, full of that annoying arrogance: “I don’t even have to dig, people will just hand me Idols.” (Remind anyone of Russell from seasons past? Thought so.)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Fabio: Back-to-back losses. Does this tribe still have momentum?

Fabio has no idea what momentum might be.

Jeff to Jane: The last Tribal was crazy. What was the vibe afterwards?

Jane: We talked, and we know what we need to do. (Then she guts a fish and snacks on it, raw, for the rest of Tribal.)

Jeff to Jane: Do the outsiders in the tribe know who they are?

Jane, using her knife to pick at her teeth, because she‘s so classy: Yes.

Marty: Jane’s a flipper. (I can’t help it, I immediately think of dolphins and cheesy 60’s TV shows.)

Jane: When we became yellow, I became yellow. (That can be taken so many ways.)

Jeff to Marty: Any Idol talk?

Marty praises himself about not playing the Idol the last time and doesn’t really answer the question.

Sash: “The Idol is in my pocket.”

Jeff is astonished. What’s going on here? (Are we seriously supposed to believe that Jeff didn’t already know this? Is it THAT hard to get out of your deluxe trailer and talk to some of your production people?) How do the rest of you feel about Sash having the Idol?

Fabio, hopefully not peeing as he sits there: “WE have the Idol.”

Jeff: We? Do you really? Brenda?

Brenda, looking as if she’s not quite sure what her name might be: “We’re fine.”

Jeff to Sash: “Then give the Idol to Brenda.” (Really? Jeff is feeling pretty frisky.)

Sash: “If someday I don’t trust them… I mean, if they don’t trust me-”

Jeff jumps on this. Jeff to Fabio: Do you know what a Freudian slip is?

Fabio stuns everyone (or at least me) by actually understanding. Sometimes things you want to hide slip out.

Moment of silence while everyone has to reconsider what they might know about Fabio.

Jane breaks the spell: “Any time you give up the Idol, it bites you in the end.”

Time to vote.

2 votes for Jane, 2 votes for Marty, 3 for Jill.

Wow. Really thought Marty was done.

Just what are Sash and Brenda up to? Do they even know?

Roll end credits.

#176 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 6

2010-10-21T10:01:00.000-05:00

For whatever reason, we don’t start out with the traditional “march of shame” as the losing tribe wanders back to their camp after having sent someone home. (Which means nothing happened that was the least bit juicy, because these producers will show us anything that’s minimally exciting.) Instead, it’s already the next morning at the Espada camp.

And Mother Nature is in a mood. Winds are blowing, tides are roaring, and people are running about looking dissatisfied and slightly concerned that Dorothy and Toto might drop out of the sky at any moment. Danny hobbles up to Holly, and fesses that he’s thinking of quitting the game. Holly looks at him as if she has no idea who he might be.

Holly in a sidebar: He needs to suck it up and finish the game. (This from the woman who recently spent an entire episode wallering in the sand and crying because she couldn’t deal with using dead leaves as toilet paper and just wanted to go home. Delusional much?)

Roll opening credits.

We’re still at the Espada camp, with Holly and Yve gathering firewood, both of them only holding a few twigs because between the two of them they only weight about 20 pounds. Yve: Why was I left out of the thing to send Tyrone home? Holly: We thought you were in an alliance with Tyrone. Yve: Are you crazy? Holly: Well, maybe you need to be more open and honest. (This from the woman who thought it was okay to sink somebody’s shoes in the lagoon while Gilligan and Mary Ann were building a hut.) And, oh yeah, Danny wants to go home.

Yve just looks at Holly like she can’t trust anything that ever comes out of Crazy-Eyed Woman’s mouth. Good, because Holly lost contact with reality a long time ago.

Cut to the La Flor tribe. Marty and Jill are sitting about, with both of them pretending that the younger members of their new tribe are starting to warm up to them. (They are not.) Jill in a sidebar: “They’d get rid of us in a heartbeat.” Probably so. But what’s more important to me? Both of them have spiky hairdos that scare me. You could lose an arm sleeping next to them.

Brenda in a sidebar, WAY over-confident and on the verge of me not caring for her anymore, speaking of who’s running the show in the La Flor camp: “It’s the younger tribe. Plus Jane.” We have the numbers. We’re going to vote 3 for Marty, 3 for Jill, and flush the Idol out. Then Brenda pauses to pose for the latest “Survivor Women Who Might Be in for a Big Surprise” calendar.

Time for a challenge, and both tribes march into the clearing. Jeff announces that it’s going to be an Immunity Challenge. (Really? It’s way too early in the episode for that. Something’s up.) Then Jeff startles everybody by revealing two Individual Immunity necklaces. Both tribes will be going to Tribal, and both tribes will send someone home. Uh oh. (The La Flor tribe pauses in their arrogance, their faces falling as they realize that their youthfulness and low body fat will not save them this time.)

Jeff explains. Each tribe will compete separately. Each person has to dig in the sand for these ring things, use a wood thing to flip the ring into a toilet (that’s what it looked like to me) strapped to their back, and then run to hang the ring on a post. First person to get three rings on the post wins Immunity.

In the second part of this very-complicated challenge, the winners from each tribe will then compete in a festive ring toss, with the winner gaining a Reward for their tribe. The Reward involves getting to be the first group at Tribal Council, where they send someone home, and then they get to eat a feast while the losing tribe sends their own person home. Survivors ready?

Espada is up first. I know this is really serious for them, but I’m rolling on the floor watching people run around with miniature toilets on their back and trying to flip a ring into the potty. (Jeff makes sure to holler out: “And Dan’s still getting nowhere.“ Jeff doesn‘t care for Danny. Danny doesn‘t care, period.) Stunning everyone, wild-eyed Holly wins.

Next up is La Flor, with more bouncing toilets as people realize it’s not all that easy to flip objects through the air and catch them with your backside. In another surprise, Jill wins. So much for the youngsters dominating this game. The kiddies all wander around in confusion, because they really expected all the old people to be dead by now.

Final part of the competition, with Holly and Jill hurling rings and trying to get them to catch on hooks. Jill wins again, but Holly is right there behind her. The La Flor tribe will be feasting and watching the other gang rip and tear at each other during Tribal.

Cut to the La Flor camp, where everybody is all happy and joyous. (Perhaps the MTV crowd hasn’t realized that they still have to send one of their own home.) There’s whooping and hollering and people doing group high-fives.

Brenda in a sidebar: “That was totally fake.” We are NOT family, and we don’t have all our sisters with us. This is the worst case scenario, with Jill winning Immunity, but “we’ll still vote someone out that we don’t want”.

Really? How are you going to do that? Marty and Jill both have Idols.

Cue Brenda and Sash in a conversation, showing that they don’t just hate the old people in the tribe. Sash: We’ll do 3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B. And we’ll tell Kelly B that we’re voting for Jane. (Once again, they’re hating on Kelly B because of that leg of hers. The humanity has been sucked out of these people. Then again, I’m still watching the show, so I guess I’m part of the problem and not part of the solution. My bad.)

Brenda runs to tell Kelly B the lie about everybody voting for Jane. Poor Kelly B. She nods her head in agreement. Then Brenda runs back to wherever it is that she and her conscience can live with themselves.

Brenda in a sidebar: This is all a little complicated. You never know what Fabio will do. Then Brenda pauses to pose for the “Women of Survivor with No Soul” calendar.

Next we have a scene with Marty and Fabio. Marty tells Fab the he’s some huge chess grandmaster, having beat some famous guy twice. (Fabio sucks it all in, because he wouldn’t know a chess player from a coconut.) Marty: If you wanna win this game, you come talk to me. Then Marty strokes his own ego so loudly that birds fly away from nearby trees.

Fabio in a sidebar: The chess player thing “makes sense!” Marty is SO smart. (No, you’re just stupid. How did you manage to get on the plane that brought you to this island?)

Cut to the Espada camp, where everybody is really sad. Which I don’t really get. Yes, they don’t get to eat, and they have to send someone home, but the other tribe has to say audios as well. (They get to eat, which sucks, but that’s the only leg-up they have on you.) Holly is making a big production about “how close” she was to winning the Reward. No one really cares, because Holly still has issues with how to properly wear a bathing suit, and that’s more frightening than anything else in the jungle.

Holly in a sidebar: “I’ll have to vote with the younger tribe members. It’s going to be Dan or Yve.” Then Holly has to turn away from the camera while she takes a call from her home planet.

Next up, Holly and Dan are walking along with buckets, because there’s nothing else to do around here so you might as well wander around with empty containers. Dan has decided that he wants to stay after all. Holly just looks at him. Dude, you have got to make up your mind. Then she gets distracted by the fact that there’s actually sand on the beach. Who knew?

Benry and Chase, trying to decide between Dan and Yve. Benry: I’d rather take Dan with us further in the game. (You would? Why?)

Benry in a sidebar: “Yve has got to go.”

Chase in a sidebar: “I want to keep Yve.” I don’t trust Benry. NaOnka is the only one I trust. (I agree with you on keeping Yve. But NaOnka? What’s up with that? Nay Girl has some serious reality conflicts. Then again, who on Survivor doesn’t?)

Chase and NaOnka: They both want Dan to go. No hesitation.

Yve in a sidebar: “It’s going to be me or Dan.” Then she pauses and has to deal with yet another person running up and asking why her head seems so oddly-shaped.

Yve runs to NaOnka and Alina. Yve: I don’t want to go. Holly said Dan wants to go. If we make it to the merge, I know the old Espada tribe and I can help you out.

Alina in a sidebar, which she doesn’t deserve because she’s worthless: Yve knows the old Espada tribe? That’s the perfect argument to get rid of her. (No, it’s not. Yve can be your ally in all this mess. Seriously, is there a checkbox on the “Survivor” application form that says “I am incapable of rational thought. I will do stupid things because I can’t think ahead. And I have large breasts. Love me.”)

New scene with Danny snoozing away in the camp hut, obviously proving his worthlessness. Holly, Chase and NaOnka are standing about, watching his un-productivity. Out of nowhere, Chase states that he is not sure about sending Danny home. What the hell? The other two girls just stare at Chase. Why can’t people make a decision and just stick to it? God.

La Flor tribe, where Brenda is babbling to Jane: “In our plan, you just gotta vote for Marty.” Jane doesn’t bother with details like “what exactly IS the plan?” or “what’s in it for me?”. She just nods her head and then tries to figure out exactly what has happened to her hair that makes it look like road kill.

Jane in a sidebar: Marty and Jill have been conniving against me since Day One. (Not really. Perhaps the better statement would be “I’m going to jump on any ship that will get me past the next Tribal Council. Because I’m from the sticks, and I cackle at things that aren’t really funny. I need help.”)

Sash and Fabio in a confab, which is really a stretch because Fabio still hasn’t even realized that the game has started. He thinks they keep going to the beach to look for clams, not to actually win competitions. Sash: “We need to flush the Idol. 3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B.” Fabio: “What?”

Fabio in a sidebar: “What?” I want Marty to stay.

Sash in a sidebar: This Fabio thing? Something could go wrong.

Word.

Scene with Sash, Fabio and Marty. Sash and Fabio (well, really just Sash, because Fabio is still confused by things like daylight and wind) are trying to convince Marty that Jane is the target. Marty nods, his porcupine hair slicing the roof of the hut into shreds.

Marty runs to Brenda. “So it’s Jane?” Brenda nods wisely, then pauses to pose for the “Survivor Women Who Will Eventually Trip Over Their Own Lies” calendar.

Brenda in a sidebar: “It all depends on Marty playing the Idol.” (Ya think?)

Sash runs to Brenda: Fabio’s not sure about voting Marty out. (To be fair, Fabio’s not sure a lot of things, like clouds and miniature golf.)

Marty in a sidebar: He feels like Jane’s a lock, so he’s not going to play the Idol.

Time for the La Flor Tribal.

First there’s a bit of general chit-chat, then Jeff goes after Marty, concentrating on him being over-confident and showing everybody the Idol. Marty tries to put a spin on it, saying he did it for “trust”.

Brenda: “He’s trying to make it more noble than it really is.” (Marty turns and glares at Brenda like she just did something offensive with a crucifix.)

Jeff to Jane: “Do you feel safe?”

Brenda again: “She has to worry about Jill and Marty voting her out.” (What? Why’d she go and say that? Is she trying to unnerve Marty and flush the Idol? Not sure.)

This leads to a heated discussion between Brenda and Marty, with Brenda showing that she can be creative with the truth and Marty showing that he really thinks he’s just the greatest thing in the world. At the end of this mess, Marty turns to Jane and whispers “vote Brenda”. Jane whispers back “who the hell is Brenda?”

Time to Vote. Everybody traipses off to do their thing. Then Jeff: Anybody want to play an Idol before I reveal? Everybody turns to look at Marty, including several natives walking by on the beach. Marty just sits there. Okay, then.

3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B (this was planned), and 2 votes for Brenda (those would be coming from Marty and Jill). We have a tie.

Jeff: Okay, we’re voting again. Marty and Kelly B can’t vote.

1 vote for Marty, and then it appears that everybody else voted for Kelly B. She’s gone.

What just happened? These fools voted to keep Marty? And he still has the safety of his Idol? Not a smart move here, folks.

Time for the Espada Tribal.

Jeff spends a long time torturing the Espada tribe about the La Flor tribe getting to chow down on food while they have nothing. (Jeff has a bit of an evil streak in him.) Then Jeff gets down to business. To Dan: You okay with going home? Dan: No. I want to stay more than anything in the world.

Yve: He’s saying that now. Back at camp, he won’t shut up about wanting to go home. (Which is true.)

Jeff to Dan: Aren’t you a liability in challenges?

Dan: Nope.

Yve: Yes, he is.

Jeff to Dan: Why not send Yve home?

Dan: We should. She’s arrogant.

She’s arrogant? Oh no. Sparks fly between Yve and Danny. She is intelligent and ably defends herself, he’s just an idiot with an unjustified ego. He comes off looking really bad, but Alina and Benry (I don’t trust either of them) actually come to Danny’s defense. Something’s in the air, and I don’t like the smell of it.

Time to vote, and that “something” becomes clear: Yve is voted out.

Jeff: Based on the vote, the tribe appears unified. Based on what I heard? Not so much.

Roll end credits.

#175 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 5

2010-10-14T09:37:00.001-05:00

We start out at the Espada camp, with people standing around after they have evicted (well, some of them) Jimmy T. Interestingly enough, Holly is babbling about Jimmy T being a really good guy, with Yve and Jill chiming in that, yep, he sure was. (Did Yve and Jill fall and hit their heads on the way back from Tribal? They voted to send Jimmy home.) Then the three of them just stand there with nothing else to say, because they’ve now talked about the only thing they have in common.

Holly in a sidebar, the insanity in her eyes made even more prominent by the night-vision cameras: “I know I’m on the outs. And something has to change.” Agreed. Let’s start with you coming back to this planet and taking a class on how to be not so annoying.

Roll opening credits.

Still at the Espada camp, the next morning. Marty, another player with reality issues, has a sidebar: “Tribal was a slam-dunk. I’m in control of this tribe now.” Then he gets quiet as the voices in his head fight for his attention.

Marty runs to Dan: We are so golden right now. “I can’t imagine anything can go wrong. Holly’s next.” Dan just stands there and nods his head, because doing anything else would require him to take a nap. Marty: “Something really whacked would have to happen to disturb our plans.”

Lighting a votive for whacked things to happen within the next hour.

Cut to the La Flor camp. There’s still tons of people left over here, but you wouldn’t know it with the way they are featuring NaOnka. In a sidebar: “I love my tribe!” You do? “These are the best people ever!” They are? “I’m just so happy to be here!”

Clearly, someone has kidnapped the real NaOnka and thrown her ass into a crocodile pit. Where she probably proceeded to kill all of them just by looking at them.

Time for a challenge. It’s not immediately clear what type of challenge it is. But at least the La Flor tribe doesn’t do one of their stupid Oompa Loompa dances as they traipse into the clearing. They do, however, seem to be surprised that Espada sent Jimmy T home. Then again, when you’re only 12 years old, everything is new and surprising.

Jeff: “Drop your buffs!”

Oh?

Jeff: “We’re going to draw for new captains.” So they do the “take a stone from a bag but don’t look at it yet” thing, with Brenda and Holly becoming the new captains and getting to decide who ends up on what tribe. (The shot of Marty realizing that Holly has power made the whole episode worth it. He looks like he’s ready to rip his own eyes out and impale himself on a camera tripod.)

This gets complicated. Jane, Jill and Marty end up going to the La Flor tribe. Benry, NaOnka, Chase and Alina go to the Espada tribe. Everybody else stays where they were. Both of the newly designed tribes pretend like they are all best friends, but you can see by the look in their eyes that nobody is very happy about having to lie to new set of people. They glare at Jeff as if he invented syphilis. (And maybe he did. I wasn’t there, can’t really say.)

Jeff: “The old versus young thing is done. The Medallion of Power is done.” (On that second bit, we see open sobbing and rending of hair.) “It’s a brand new game.”

Finally, we get to the challenge, which is for Reward, with the winners getting two chickens and a rooster. (By the joyous screams from both tribes, you’d think they were playing for the chance to sleep with Brad Pitt.) In this game, there’s a giant primitive pinball machine, with one tribe rolling balls up a chute, the ball trickles down past bumpers that can divert the ball at any point, and two members from the other tribe try to catch the ball. If you drop a ball, the other tribe gets a point. 3 points wins.

Off we go, with things being fairly close for a while. But in the end, the newly-formed Espada tribe wins, mainly because dumb-ass Marty on the La Flor tribe keeps dropping his ball. No one on La Flor really complains about his ineptitude, which means that, even though he’s only been on the new tribe for roughly two minutes, he’s already mesmerized the new tribe with his Bart Simpson hair.

Cut to the Espada camp. First we have Tyrone in a sidebar. (“I’d rather have stayed with the older tribe. But now we have pretty girls running around.” Really? That’s a good thing to focus on, Ty. Way to represent.) Then Tyrone takes an aggressive leadership roll, explaining to the new kiddies how they do things in the Espada camp. Of course this doesn’t go over well with the youngsters.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Don’t think you a G.” Huh? “G means gangsta.” Oh. My bad. Didn’t know. But really, gangsta? How is telling you that you can’t lay around on your ass all day “gangsta”?

Then we have Holly in a sidebar: “I’m reborn!” Yep. You lucked out, sister.

This is followed by NaOnka (the queen of negativity and bitter harping about everybody) telling Holly: “I love your energy!”

Nay, girl, Holly has that energy because she is completely insane. Run like you ain’t never run before.

Holly in a sidebar: “If the kids come to me with an idea, I’m with them.” Then Holly gets distracted by the wind blowing, and she turns to a coconut and blames it for everything that has ever happened in her life. The coconut wisely chooses to remain silent, and then rolls down the beach for his own sidebar. “Holly scares me,” the coconut says, a milk tear running down his shell while Jeff Probst signals for Medical to rush in and take care of things.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “I’m going wherever the numbers go. Alina and I have to make do with what we have.” Oh? You like Alina now? You hated her two seconds ago.

Back to the La Flor tribe. Jud/Fabio in a sidebar: He’s all psyched that there are only 3 Espada members in the tribe, and 5 original La Flor folks. Then he gets very quiet, not sure if this is a good thing, because that math business is really hard.

Jane in a sidebar: “I like these kids.” Then she runs to tell Brenda and… not sure, somebody else was standing there… “don’t trust Marty and Jill.” Brenda just looks at her, because Jane is old, and Brenda is assuming that the mind goes after 30. Which it does, but we don’t need to confirm that, so Brenda can experience the terror on her own in a few years.

Scene with Marty and Jud, where Marty is fishing to see if anybody on the old La Flor tribe found the Immunity Idol. Jud doesn’t really know what this is, but he does fess that NaOnka found something, after knocking Kelly B down and smashing some bananas. Marty takes this intel and runs.

He gathers the tribe, and then compares NaOnka to a cancer that should have been cut out. You can tell that the younger tribe members are trying to listen, but they really don‘t care. Then Marty fesses up that he has his own Immunity Idol. This gets their attention.

Brenda in a sidebar: “Marty is SO arrogant. Showing us the Idol. Are you stupid? That’s the dumbest thing ever!”

Well, no, it’s not the dumbest thing ever, perhaps you haven’t really watched this show before. But as long as you’re hating on Marty, go all out.

Back to the Espada camp, where it’s raining. And it continues to do so for quite a long time, making everybody snappy and uncouth. (Look, you whiners, at least you get to lay down. Those poor camera people have to stand there, completely soaked, waiting for you to do anything of interest whatsoever, so the producers can take a tiny moment of nothing and use it in a promo ad to look like something really important happened, but didn’t really.)

NaOnka in a sidebar: “I don’t like rain. I don’t like cold. I’m not doing well. I could lose it.” (Honey, you done lost it a long time ago. Don’t waste your time even looking for it, because it’s not coming back.)

Nay fesses to Alina that she’s ready to quit the game.

Alina in a sidebar: “Nay is on her period ALL the time. But that’s better for me in the long run. Hayyy.”

Alina, totally faking her support for Nay: “You have the rest of your life to be warm.” Chase wanders up and tries to be supportive as well, telling a touching story about a rainbow and his dad. (You had to be there.) Nay doesn’t care. She just wants to whine and moan.

And it keeps raining. All day. All night. We see NaOnka wake up in the middle of the night and slam a pillow into her head, crying. This action doesn’t kill her, so there’s going to be more whining. Hurray.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff to Marty: “How are things in your new camp?” Marty calls it the “Taj Mahal of camps”, immediately pissing off everybody left in his old tribe. Jane chimes in as well, extolling the virtues of the glorious La Flor camp and doing a frightening happy dance that terrifies anyone watching.

Jeff: Whatever.

Anyway, this challenge has three members from each tribe strapped to a rotating wheel. Other members rotate this wheel, causing the strapped people to be plunged into a tank of water, where they have to get a mouthful of such, then wait until they spin to the top of the wheel and spit the water into a tube. When the tube fills up, a ball is released, which allows other tribe members to throw the ball at tiles. First team to break five tiles wins. Got it?

Off we go. It’s actually very tight. First off, let’s just say that Jane can throw a mean ball. Perhaps she really hates ceramic tiles. But in the end, La Flor triumphs. Somebody from Espada is going home.

Nay in a sidebar: “Espada’s cursed! But I’m not nervous about Tribal, I want to go.” Then go tell people that, and make it easier for everybody, okay?

Meanwhile, most of the Espada tribe is hankering to kill one of the chickens for a nice feast. Tyrone is not happy about this. He wants to keep the chickens for their daily egg output. He has a point, but he’s also Tyrone. Diplomacy is not one of his special skills.

Holly in a sidebar (I’m amazed that she even knows what a camera is): “We need to start standing up to Tyrone!” Then Holly is startled by a passing seagull, and she runs screaming into the jungle in search of expensive shoes that she can sink in the ocean.

Anyway, the Espada tribe votes about dinner, and the chicken loses. People dash about preparing the meal.

Benry in a sidebar: “Tyrone won’t help with cooking the bird, but he’s right there when it’s time to eat.” And we see this, with Tyrone basically eating half of the bird while the rest of the tribe takes tiny portions. Cue several people in sidebars none too happy about Tyrone eating enough for 20 starved orphans.

Benry in another sidebar: He doesn’t care for Tyrone at all. Then again, NaOnka has completely lost her mind, crying all the time and just laying about, waiting for people to throw dirt in her face and say a prayer.

But seriously, what kind of a name is “Benry”? It’s hard for me to take notes when somebody has a name like that.

Alina to Yve, sharing what the youngsters are thinking with the senior citizens: “NaOnka is DONE.” Yve, with her oddly-shaped face, doesn’t appear to fully understand what is being expressed. Perhaps her parents shouldn’t have given her a name that’s just not right. Were her parents friends with Benry’s parents? Did they go to the same summer camp and take the same drugs?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Alina: Tell me what’s going on.

Alina: There’s been a little bit of turf war. We have to go with their rules. Then she demurely glances at Tyrone as if he had “666” etched into his scalp.

Benry: Tyrone’s the guy. We have to do what he says. Then he glances at Tyrone as if… well, you get the picture.

Tyrone: I definitely feel qualified to lead this tribe, but I don’t make unilateral decisions.

Alina rolls her eyes, perhaps in disagreement, but possibly because “unilateral” just has too many syllables.

Jeff to Alina: Tell me about these turf wars.

Alina: Well, there was Tyrone’s speech when we got to camp. (Oh, you mean the one where he said you have to carry your own weight and not sit around playing XBOX all day? That speech?)

Tyrone: Maybe there’s a generation gap. (Uh oh, Ty, shouldn’t have gone there.)

Jeff to NaOnka: “What has been the darkest storm for you?” (Where the hell did he come up with that line?)

Nay: Fesses that her divorce a few years ago was the worst, ever. But this current mess has been pretty bad. I wanted to quit. I was at a breaking point yesterday. But these people have been SO supportive and I’m all better now.

Really?

Jeff to Benry: Shouldn’t you send her home for that?

Benry: Uh, I don’t know what you mean. (Loser.)

Jeff to Yve: Shouldn’t you send her home for that?

Yve: Uhh…

Jeff: Seriously. Spit it out.

Yve: Yes, it makes me wonder about her longevity.

Jeff smirks, having accomplished his agenda. Just not sure what that agenda might be.

Time to Vote.

Tyrone and Yve vote for NaOnka.

Everyone else votes for Tyrone. Meaning Holly (no surprise) and Danny (big surprise) flipped. Tyrone is gone.

Jeff to the remaining tribe: “Your first blind side. Congrats.”

Roll end credits.

“Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 4

2010-10-07T10:02:00.001-05:00

We start off with the older Espada tribe marching back to their camp after having evicted Jimmy Johnson. Appropriately, it’s pouring down rain because these people done messed up. (Of course, Jimmy T refuses to believe they’ve done anything wrong: “JJ’s leadership was nothing.”) Then Jimmy T, because he really doesn’t live with the rest of us on this planet, starts singing an annoyingly stupid song, really loud, while the rest of the tribe just glares at him in total hatred.

Marty in a sidebar: “He just has to hear his own voice, 24-7.” (Kettle black, Marty?) “Give him a little rope and he’ll hang himself.”

Roll opening credits.

Still at the Espada camp, next morning, where Jane and Holly, looking extremely haggard and unfeminine, are wandering around and realizing that the tide is strangely high. It seems there’s been a bit of a weather disturbance. We see shots of the limited beach all cluttered with debris. (Jill in a sidebar, fussing about the lack of food and the fact that they can’t fish. Hmm. I always thought the best fishing was right after a rain. Maybe I missed a memo.)

Jimmy T, because he so desperately wants to be the leader of the tribe, tries convincing the rest of the tribe that they should fish like birds. “See that bird over there. How it floats on the water and waits for a fish to come to the surface? We should do that!” Trouble is, Man With Really Ugly Hair, you people are NOT birds. So you can’t fish like them. Understand?

He doesn’t. Jimmy T grabs a net and tries throwing it into the water, like the imbecilic fish are going to leap into the net and wait to be eaten. This doesn’t happen. In fact, Jimmy T can’t even get the net to fan out when he throws it. He fails miserably. The rest of the tribe wanders away to see if there are some rocks they can chew on.

Cut to the La Flor tribe, where Brenda is busily working on the Hidden Immunity Idol clue that NaOnka shared with her. Suddenly, Brenda makes the right connection and figures out where the Idol must be. She runs to snatch up NaOnka (Why would you do that, Brenda? Find the damn Idol yourself and then lie. That’s how you play this game.) and drags Nay to the spot where Brenda thinks the Idol is buried. Of course they find it, doing a happy dance. And of course NaOnka thinks she did all the work. “It’s mine! I figured it out!”

You sure as hell didn’t. Hate you.

Alina and Kelly B are chatting, and seeming to be getting along quite swimmingly. (Alina in a sidebar: “The way NaOnkoa treats Kelly B makes me furious.” That’s two of us, sister.) The two of them race off to find the Idol. (Remember, there are about 46 Idol clues floating around this place.)

Well, NaOnka, because she’s a total bitch, (just making sure we’re all on the same page about that), can’t stand the fact that other people are looking for the Idol. (Even though Nay has the freaking Idol because Brenda is wimpy. There’s NOT another Idol to find.) So NaOnka stomps up to Alina and Kelly B, and then launches into a hate-fest against Kelly B. Nay is horrible. There is something truly wrong with that woman.

Back over to the Espada camp, at night. Everybody’s huddled in the tent, generally fussing, but trying to be upbeat. Out of the blue, Marty nominates Tyrone to be the new tribe leader. (What the hell? MARTY wants to be tribe leader.) Then the mystification continues, with Jimmy T saying: “I don’t wanna be leader, so I accept that.”

Am I watching the right show? Both Marty and Jimmy T would give their left nut to be tribe leader.

Jimmy T in a sidebar, confirming his delusions: “Marty’s not a JT fan.” (Is anybody?) Then he calls Marty a “preppy little bitch”. Well, can’t entirely disagree with that, but because I’m not fond of either one of them, I can’t give anybody props. But most importantly? Please quit showing me Jimmy T with the night-vision cameras, because he really looks like a serial killer and we already have enough of those to worry about.

Next morning, the Espada tribe gets tree-mail. The wording is typically cryptic, but there’s also some blindfolds in the mailbox. Got it. People are going to be blindfolded, and somebody has to lead them. (Wait, did I just sum up every single season of “Survivor”? Hmm.) The tribe decides to practice, which is actually a good idea, because I can guarantee you the pre-school tribe will not come to this same decision, instead opting to lay on the beach and wait for Annie Leibovitz to come take their picture.

So Tyrone makes himself the caller, which he should as the newly appointed leader, and tries giving directions to his blind-folded mates. Trouble is, Jimmy T can’t keep his mouth shut, ripping off his blindfold and trying to tell Tyrone what to do. Jimmy T is a piece of work. And I don’t mean that in a good way.

Marty in a sidebar: “I nominated Tyrone on purpose to rile up JT. JT is delusional and paranoid.” Interesting, and slightly fun. But hey, Marty, did it ever occur to you that you guys actually need to win some competitions? You know about competitions, right? The things you need to win in order to avoid going to Tribal Council? Yes, those things. Quit playing little prima donna games about who has the bigger coconuts.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

The tribes march into the playing area, with the La Flor tribe totally stunned that Jimmy Johnson is gone. (Yeah, me too.) Jeff explains that a caller will direct pairs of blind-folded people to collect 10 items, and then direct a final pair to find a set of keys, open a chest, and drag it back to home base. Oh, and there’s a reward as well, with the winners getting to pick 3 groups of items provided and sponsored by Sears.

The camera lingers on the Sears logo, in case we didn’t catch Jeff’s words. We don’t really get a good shot of the actual item groups, because that would take time away from promoting Sears. Did you know that Sears was sponsoring this competition? Hey look, there’s a piece of driftwood with the Sears logo burned into it. Sears is sponsoring this competition. Sears. With an “S”.

Is the La Flor tribe going to use the nifty Medallion of Power to gain an advantage in today’s events? Hell, yeah.

And off we go.

Within seconds, it’s very clear that the practicing by the Espada tribe is making absolutely no difference. The older folk are slamming into trees, tripping over pockets of air, and generally not listening to Tyrone calling out directions. (Especially Jimmy T, who actually appears to be purposely doing the exact opposite of what Tyrone yells out.) And the way they keep holding their hands up, like that’s going to help? They look like they’re volunteering to be thrown into a volcano, but I doubt that any of them are virgins. Except maybe Holly.

On the flip side, the younger La Flor tribe members seem to be magically floating directly toward the needed items, and then transporting the goods back to home base within seconds. It’s not even a contest. La Flor wins Immunity. They happily pick up their winnings and prance back to camp, because none of them are really taking any of this seriously. They’re just waiting for the old people to fail, and then they can get serious.

Cut to the Espada camp, where the older folks are a little blue. Danny is trying to be supportive and raise their spirits, which he should, because he’s basically useless. (And stupid, since he paid $1,600 dollars for some ugly shoes and then BROUGHT THEM to the island so Holly could sink them in the ocean during one of her many breaks from reality.)

Jimmy T is not so supportive. “I’m gonna keep fighting for attention so you’ll finally use me for what I can do.” Tyrone: Okay, what would you have done differently in the competition today. Jimmy T: Uhhh…

Tyrone in a sidebar: “I’m sick of JT’s negativity.” Then he checks his pocket to make sure that he doesn’t have two Idols, because he doesn’t want to go home like James did in his shame moment.

Zip to the La Flor tribe, where everybody is celebrating their win and inspecting the trove of won treasures. Chase spies a clue in the fishing tackle box and pinches it. He runs to tell Brenda, and hopes she can help him find the Hidden Immunity Idol.

Brenda in a sidebar: “I feel so bad” that Chase wants me to help him use his limited mental resources to find an Idol that can’t be found because NaOnka the Heartless has already scooped it up, killing a homeless person in the process and spitting on a gospel choir.

Brenda, after hemming and hawing for a bit, finally fesses to Chase that NayBitch already has the Idol. “But you can’t tell NaOnka that you know. SHE has the Idol, and that could affect us.” Chase stares off into the distance at some palm trees, because Brenda just said too many words for him to compute.

Espada camp again, where people are clamoring around in the ocean tide and looking for sea urchins. (Jill in a sidebar: Yep, we’ve been reduced to looking for salty packets of snot to get a little protein.) Jimmy T goes off on Marty for eating some of the urchins and not placing them in the “community basket”, which is really just a bit of net that Jimmy T is lugging around as he hollers at everybody else to do the work.

Marty in a sidebar: He’s fed up with Jimmy T, “calling me out” like that. “That’s the equivalent of putting a gun to your head and blowing your brains out.” What the hell? It was unnecessary, but it’s not equal to THAT. What kind of TV shows do you watch when you’re not on this island? Geez.

Cut to Jane and Holly doing something pointless on the beach. Jane: “I’m gonna write Danny’s name down. I think Coach was sending a message when he wrote down Danny.” Hold up, Jane. You voted to send Coach Jimmy J’s ass home. Now you’re going to get all mystical about signs that he might be sending you?

Marty and Jill on another stretch of beach, with her flame-red hair helping nearby ships find port. Marty: “Keep Danny, he’s the swing vote. Vote JT out.” Then Marty runs off to have his chest waxed by bored monkeys.

Jill and Tyrone, somewhere that Marty isn’t. Jill: “Vote JT.” Tyrone: “But Danny can’t do things.” Jill: I really don’t care. Marty has the Idol, the one that I really found, and now I’m his bitch. Just do it.

Jill runs back to Marty, who is freshly waxed but still not understanding that his hair looks like something that you would call the Pest Control hotline about. Jill: “Tyrone wants Dan.” Marty: I let a monkey touch my love nipples and people are STILL not doing my bidding?

Marty runs to Tyrone: “Which way are you leaning?” (Is the wind really strong out here?) Tyrone: “Dan can’t run in the mud.” (Which pretty much sums it up, don’t you think?) Marty: “I’d rather it be JT.” Marty pushes really hard. Then a pterodactyl flies overhead and lays an egg in Marty’s hair.

Jimmy T, Yve and clueless Holly are standing around somewhere, waiting for their 401K’s to mature. Jimmy T: “I just want a chance in a challenge.” Yve: Okay, what would you have done differently in the competition today. Jimmy T: Uhhh…

Jimmy T just does not get it.

Yve in a sidebar: Kill me now. Can’t stand him.

Jimmy T in a sidebar: “I keep opening my mouth,” and maybe that’s not a good thing.

Ya think?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Tyrone: “What happened with the competition today?”

Tyrone (and Marty, because he can’t keep his mouth shut): “It woulda worked if it hadn’t been for the Medallion.”

Jeff is not buying that: You were way the hell behind.

Then Jeff goes after Danny: “You sat out again.” Danny: “I was helping the tribe by sitting out.” Jeff: Point proven.

Jill: “I’m tired of losing.”

Jeff smirks, then turns to Jimmy T: “Is is frustrating to not have leadership?” Jeff is totally poking at things to start a fight. Jimmy T: “Nobody will let me prove myself.” Jeff to Marty: What’s up with that. Willing to give Jimmy T a chance? Marty: “We don’t wanna give him a chance. We have zero tolerance for paranoia.”

Gotta repeat it. Kettle black, Marty?

Then Holly, because SHE’S so grounded, defends Jimmy T. “All he’s asking for is a chance.” (Jane seems to agree, nodding her head.) Tyrone: “He would have more value as a follower.” (And you know Jimmy T popped a blood vessel or two on hearing that.)

Jeff to Jimmy T: Can you handle that, being a follower?

Jimmy T refuses to answer, getting all teary-eyed and “needing a moment”. Oh, please. That is one massive ego right there. Tyrone to Jimmy T: Man up. Be a follower. Jimmy T refuses to accept this fate.

Time to vote.

Jimmy T, Holly and Jane vote for Dan.

Everybody else votes for Jimmy T.

(Jane cusses and is quickly bleeped.)

Jimmy T marches out of the camp without saying a word. Interesting. The only way to make this man shut up is to send him home. Duly noted.

Roll end credits.

#173 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 3

2010-09-30T12:48:00.001-05:00

We start out at the La Flor camp, with the pre-schoolers returning from Tribal. They’re all confused and stunned about what happened, muttering things like “That blew my mind!” and “That was crazy!” Well, yeah, you got to watch Shannon completely melt down on national television, to the point where most of you couldn’t even pretend to be his friend anymore and you sent his ass home. (Good for you. Well, except for the few folks that didn’t vote to get rid of Shannon Palin.)

Speaking of, NaOnka has some special words for those few in a sidebar: “Everybody acting all cool with it, but they not. Alina, Kelly B and Jud, this is gonna bite you in the ass.” I already can’t stand NaOnka, she’s just got too much attitude for no reason, but in this particular case she’s right. You’re going to stick with a racist bigot and do his bidding? Then you need to go. Sadly, some of these youngsters will get distracted easily and forget, like when the kindergarten teacher comes in and hands out juice boxes.

Roll opening credits.

Cut to the Espada camp, where the older folks are all traipsing through the jungle. They can hear howler monkeys whooping it up somewhere, so they’ve decided to find the monkeys, since the monkeys should be near food in the trees. They finally find the irritating howlers, and Jimmy Johnson proceeds to make animal noises that the monkeys understand. The monkeys shut up and gaze at Jimmy as if Lazarus just stepped out of a cave and said “I was only kidding. I was just taking a nap.”

Cue Marty in a sidebar, where he proceeds to rip at Jimmy J. Marty can’t stand Jimmy J, because people are paying attention to him and not Marty. And Jimmy J has special talents like the ability to carry on conversations with other species. (After all, he worked for Jerry Jones for how many years?) Marty hates Jimmy. HATES him.

Then we have scenes with Jimmy J teaching most of the tribe how to fish. His advice proves quite useful, and suddenly everybody is successful. Fish are practically jumping out of the ocean and into the arms of the fishers. This pisses off Marty even more, with another sidebar where he tears at Jimmy J again. (Dude, he’s helping your people get food. And it’s working. What happened in your childhood that made you so bitter?)

Side note: You really need to pause your DVR when Holly is talking to Jimmy J. Study her one-piece swimsuit. Is that thing on backwards? Why does the crotch look that way? That’s not right. Seriously, really not right. Holly scares me.

A few scenes with Jill and Marty. He’s fussing about Jimmy J (big surprise). She tells him to chill, that people like Jimmy and hatin’ on him could be a problem. But then she blurts that he should show the Idol he has to everybody.

What? Showing the Idol can cost you.

Cut to the La Flor camp, where we are treated to scenes of Jud/Fabio starting a fire, but then forgetting to move his head back when the fire catches and he nearly asphyxiates himself with smoke inhalation. Then we see him in a sidebar: “I wanna be kept around for my mentality.” Kind of a big leap, don’t you think? (NaOnka in her own sidebar: His hair got on my nerves on Day 1.)

Back to Espada, with everyone sitting around eating, and Marty states “I have an announcement”. (An announcement? Is this a board meeting? No, it’s not.) He shows the Idol, they all clap. Marty: “We’ll play it when we need it.”

Jimmy T in a sidebar, with his ugly-ass hair: I love Marty!

Tyrone in a sidebar, um, without any hair: Maybe he got team points by sharing about the Idol, but Marty is shady.

Word.

Marty in a sidebar: In the end “the Idol belongs to me”. Have you told Jill that? Because she’s the one that really found it. She has red hair. This means she will cut you if you do her wrong.

Then we have Dan in a sidebar. He’s really hungry and tired. Then we have scenes of him being really hungry and tired, limping about and feeling sorry for himself. (Yve in a sidebar about Dan’s gumption: “He doesn’t have it.”) More shots of Dan being unable to lift a twig or stand up while peeing. But hey, if somebody’s cooking something, he’s the first in line at the simmering pot.

Over to the La Flor tribe, where several of the kiddies have gathered on a beach. They’re discussing the fate of Alina and Kelly B. They have to go. (Hello? What about Jud? He voted the same way.) Alina in a sidebar: “I’m not in the best position.” NaOnka in a sidebar: “We gotta get Alina out.” Jud in a sidebar…. Oh wait, he still doesn’t really understand what that is. Stay tuned.

Time for the Immunity/Reward Challenge.

In this one, the teams have to race out and collect 10 barrels, roll them back to a staging area where they have to arrange them on platforms, then they have to throw sandbags so that one lands on each barrel. (The Reward part of it is the “Survivor Garden”, a mess of spices, fruits, vegetables, and such.) The La Flor tribe opts to not use their Medallion of Advantage. Benry: “We don’t need it.” Really? After you guys made fun of the older tribe for not using it that one time? Uh huh. Hope you lose just because of your arrogance. And the fact that I can’t stand any of you.

Off we go. The younger tribe initially surges, but the older tribe catches up and it’s very tight, with everyone trying to do their best. (Except for Dan. Jeff actually yells at one point: “Dan, you need to do something.”) During the last bit, with the sandbag tossing, the older tribe initially takes the lead, with Tyrone hitting target after target. Then he falters, and Jimmy T starts yelling for Tyrone to step back and let him have a shot. Tyrone ignores him (this will prove a critical point later) until Jimmy J convinces Tyrone to let Jimmy T try.

But it’s too late. The younger La Flor tribe, with Benry doing the throwing, hits all of the marks first. They win.

While the Espada tribe marches back home empty-handed, the La Flor tribe runs to fetch their reward. Kelly B purposely lunges for the basket of fruit, convinced that there might be a clue to an Idol. As she hoists it in her arms, we see that she’s right. There’s a little scroll tucked into the winnings. Trouble is, NaOnka sees this as well, and immediately decides that she and Kelly B are going to be best friends and carry the basket together. (NaOnka in a sidebar: “I’m going for the paper!”)

The La Flor tribe marches back to camp, and as soon as they reach the clearing, NaOnka turns all linebacker and knocks Kelly out of the way so she can grab the tiny scroll. (In the process, bananas get smashed, a harbinger of doom.) NaOnka dashes off to the beach and into a sidebar: “You could say I got all hood on Kelly B. But I did not get ghetto.”

There’s a difference? I guess I need to pay more attention.

Later, NaOnka drags Brenda on a walk, and shows her the Idol clue. They try to figure it out, but they can’t quite get it. Then “The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City” comes on the Coconut TV and they get all distracted.

Cut to the Espada camp, where things are a bit tense with the fact that Tyrone initially did not let anyone else try tossing the sandbags. Jimmy T to the group: “My talent is being wasted!” (Say, Jimmy T, can you actually define talent?) It does appear that most of the tribe is at least slightly miffed with Tyrone not letting someone else try until it was too late.

Jimmy T in a sidebar: “I’m a born leader. I should be leading this tribe.” (Oh, puh-leeze.)

Tyrone in a sidebar: “Everybody can’t touch the ball.” (This distracts me a little bit, with my mind going places that don’t really apply.)

Marty in a sidebar: “I’m looking forward to Tribal. It will force the tribe to start playing this game.” (Dude, you want to go to Tribal? Do you not watch the show? I mean, I’m assuming that they get the broadcast signal on your planet.)

Cut to Marty and Jimmy J splashing around in the surf, strategizing. As usual. Jimmy J is telling it like it is. As usual, Marty is seething with jealousy that Jimmy J is able to both handle and speak the truth. (Marty in a sidebar: “I need to remove JJ so people will lose their daddy.”) Seriously, are we in elementary school here?

Scene with Marty and Jill talking. Marty: “Coach has to go.” Jill: To me, Holly, Dan and JJ are all the same. Whichever one needs to go. Just tell me what to do. (But in a sidebar, Jill fesses that she’s only trying to appease Marty because of the Idol thing, and that she thinks Marty is way too focused on the wrong person. Then she finds a seashell shaped like Rosie O’Donnell and we’ve lost her.)

Marty runs to tell Dan to vote for Jimmy J. Of course Dan agrees. (Dan in a sidebar: “I’m in much better shape than JJ.” You’re kidding, right? Because we’ve seen you lying on your sorry butt in the hut while JJ is out harpooning whales.)

Marty runs to tell Jimmy T to vote for Jimmy J. No problem. Jimmy T is firmly convinced that he has been anointed by God to save the world, despite his unfamiliarity with washing his own hair or having any social skills.

Scene with Jane and Holly, where they basically agree to look out for one another, and they don’t think that Jimmy J should go home. (Jane in a sidebar: “JJ’s my fishing buddy!”) This is followed by a scene with Jimmy J, Yve and Holly as they fish. Jimmy J fesses they “might not see me for a while”, because he knows what’s going on with Marty. Both of the women act like Jimmy J is going nowhere. Especially Yve, who tells Jimmy J that she is her favorite person in the tribe.

Marty runs to Tyrone. Marty: “Write Coach’s name down.” Tyrone: “I don’t know about that.” (Tyrone in a sidebar: “Marty’s paranoid. I think Marty’s all about Marty. I’m more worried about Danny.”)

Marty in a sidebar: “These people are not thinking the game through. Do NOT mess around with me.”

Really can’t stand Marty. Not as much as I hated Oompa Loompa Russell during his two seasons, but still. Don’t care for him.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff: “Today’s challenge. What happened?”

Jimmy T immediately seizes this opportunity to let everyone know that if Tyrone hadn’t been such a stubborn pig, Jimmy T could have saved the day. It’s all Jimmy J’s fault for not sending him in sooner. Really? Jeff’s not buying that, so he digs deeper. Jeff to Jimmy T: “How are you getting along with Jimmy J?” Jimmy T: “Maybe I’m a threat to his leadership role.”

Tyrone rolls his eyes. “I’m baffled by that statement.”

Jimmy J about Jimmy T: “I thought we had a good relationship.”

Jeff to Dan: “Are you a strong player?” Dan: I’m pretty good. Jill: I’m not so sure about that. Jane: Ditto.

Jeff to Jimmy T: “Who are the weakest players?” Jimmy T: “I won’t say, but there’s three or four.”

Jeff: Fine. Let’s do a roll call. He asks each of the tribe members if they think they are weak. The only one who admits to that is Jimmy Johnson. Again, he’s being honest, while in reality, half the tribe is lying, especially Dan and Jimmy T.

Marty: “These people need to wake up.” There’s a whole lot going on that they don’t realize.

Jeff: You really want to say that right now? At Tribal?

Time to vote.

Two things. One is that Jeff is clearly trying to steer the heat away from Jimmy Johnson. I normally don’t like it when Jeff tries to insert his own opinions or influence the vote, but in this case I’m fine with it. Second, based on everything that the producers have shown us in this episode, and the way key players are acting at Tribal, Jimmy Johnson shouldn’t be in any trouble.

Yet when the vote comes back, it’s unanimous against Jimmy J.

He’s very gracious in his exit.

But clearly, something monumental happened at the Espada camp that would make everyone vote for JJ. Every single one of them, despite appearances that only Marty, JT, and Dan had an issue with JJ. Obviously, this was a totally manipulated episode. But I shouldn’t be surprised, right?

Jeff: “You just voted out a proven leader.”

Marty smirks.

#172 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 2

2010-09-23T09:58:00.001-05:00

We start off with a review of the developments on the last episode, where the mostly-clueless Survivors where divided into tribes of the Old (Espada) and the Young (La Flora). We see reaction shots of the players being all surprised by this move, but none of US are surprised because the promo ads all summer have been bellowing about this. Oh, and we see enough scenes with the Younger Tribe that I’m basically convinced that I can’t stand anybody on that team. Sue me.

Cut to the Espada camp, late at night after Tribal, with all of them marching back home after sending crazy Wendy back to Montana or wherever it is that she does things with goats. The focus is on Holly, who is “feeling on the outs” with the rest of the tribe, and “needs to re-think” her strategy. (Let’s start with re-thinking your hairdo, honey.) We see enough of Holly to realize that maybe Wendy wasn’t the only insane person running about in the jungle.

Roll opening credits. As the cast members are splashed across the screen, we see that they’ve already changed Jud’s name to “Fabio”. That’s special. Wonder how long it will take them to change Shannon’s name to “Chauvinist Pig”?

Next morning in the Espada camp, everyone’s whining about not getting enough sleep, so Jimmy J gathers everybody around and starts organizing activities to rebuild their crappy shelter so they can all slumber more peacefully. This is a wise thing to do. But Jimmy T is all up in arms that people are paying attention to Jimmy J. First, Jimmy T has already shown that he’s on the Wendy end of the Crazy Stick, and second, I can’t take anybody seriously that looks like Jimmy T. He’s one butt-ugly Missing Link.

Cut over to the La Flora camp, where Sash and NaOnka are chattering away on the beach. Sash wants to bring only Minorities to the end. (In a sidebar, Sash says that minorities “have a bond that no one else can share.” Really?) During this, NaOnka is flipping her hair around and trying to act all street. I’m not sure what street she has in mind, but I don’t want to visit.

Back to the Espada camp, where Holly completely freaks over the fact that Jill is eating snails. Holly actually snatches the container of snails that people have worked hard to collect, runs off, and dumps out the snails. What the hell? That’s FOOD, you lunatic freak. Jill runs to tell the others, and then we have several shots of other tribe members expressing dismay over Holly’s grasp on reality.

Holly comes back from the Snail Liberation Festival, and overhears Dan talking smack about her sanity. (Everybody was, but Holly apparently has selective hearing.) So she sneaks into camp, steals Dan’s shoes out of his bag, fills them with sand, and sinks them in the ocean. Not making this up. Girl has issues.

Dan soon discovers that his footwear is missing, and is none too pleased. (Let’s put aside the fact that he was an idiot to bring these shoes on Survivor, since they are special alligator-hide shoes that cost $1,600. Somebody who brings something like that to a jungle deserves to face some disappointments in life.)

Another sidebar with Holly, where she admits that she’s “struggling emotionally”. (Ya think?) So she calls a tribe meeting, and fesses to Dan about what she did. She just wants to be honest, and now she’s ready to focus 100% on the game. Loser Jimmy T, because he’s from another planet with too much methane in the atmosphere, says “I accept that.”

Dude, Holly filled Dan’s shoes with sand and sank them in the ocean. That is SO many kinds of not right. And they weren’t your shoes. Shut the hell up.

Back to the La Flor camp, where NaOnka is in a tizzy, thinking somebody “moved her socks“. Because she’s as grounded in reality as Holly and Jimmy T, she decides that it’s perfectly fine if she takes a pair of Fabio’s socks and starts wearing them. Fabio, very confused because he’s dumber than a rock, approaches NaOnka to deal with this, but before he can even say anything, NaOnka goes ballistic and tears into him.

What is WRONG with these people? Did they only recruit at mental hospitals this season? I’m all for equal opportunity, but when did schizophrenia become a requirement to get on Survivor?

Over to Espada again, where Holly wanders up to Jimmy J and asks to talk to him privately. They mosey out to the beach, where Holly fesses that she’ “having a hard time”, and she starts crying. Jimmy tries to be supportive and all, since he’s had experience with football players who take too many drugs and get confused on the field. Holly decides to buck it up and stick around for a while. Then she wanders off to talk to a nearby tree, so I’m thinking rehab might take a while.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

La Flor comes marching in doing another one of their stupid dances, once again not taking things seriously and firmly convinced that their mere youthfulness will rule the day. At this point, that entire tribe could be swept away by a hurricane and I wouldn’t shed a tear. Can’t stand them.

Anyway, we have a muddy obstacle course that people have to run through, and then attack a pile of hay looking for a ball. Once four balls are found, other tribe members have to bounce the balls along using shields and work them into a barrel. And by the way, offers Jeff, this is also a Reward Challenge. The winner can pick from a tarp/rope combination, or some nice fishing gear. The tribes make appropriate lustful noises.

Jeff also explains that the Golden Medallion thing (currently held by the Espada tribe) is really super special this time. If you use it, one of the four balls is automatically placed in the barrel, thus giving you a great advantage. The Espada tribe takes roughly 1.5 seconds to decide they probably should use it this time. (Of course, it also means that they have to give the Medallion to the other tribe. So one of the Espada peeps carries it over and hands it to NaOnka, who looks horribly offended that someone would expect her to hold something, and she quickly throws it at another tribe member. Hate her.)

And off we go. It’s very close at first, until it’s time for Holly to look for the ball in the haystack. She takes forever, probably because she can’t decide which of her personalities should actually conduct the search. But she eventually finds it, and things progress. During the ball-bouncing part, the Espada tribe catches up to the youngsters and eventually surpasses them, winning Immunity. They decide they want the fishing gear for reward as well.

When the happy Espada tribe marches off to their camp, several of them make little whoops of victory, nothing too extreme. But the teenage La Flora tribe takes offense. Oh, come on. You rugrats marched in here all confident and cocky, doing your Cirque du Soleil tribute, and now you’re going to get an attitude?

Cut to the Espada camp, where everyone is very joyous and celebratory. Even crazy Holly seems to have found a second psychotic wind, and is now ready to conquer the world. As the tribe digs into the fishing gear, they find a clue for a hidden Immunity Idol. (It’s in the same cryptic language that youngsters Kelly B and Alina received in the tree-mail that they didn’t tell anybody about.) The tribe works on the clues together, figuring out most of them, and then everybody scatters to track the Idol down.

Scenes of people running all crazy-eyed and pawing in the sand.

Jill, trotting along on the beach, suddenly has an inspiration and figures out the part of the clue the tribe hadn’t fathomed yet. But instead of running to claim the prize, she goes up to Marty (and Dan, because he’s standing right there) and tells him where to look. This is an interesting move. Why would she willingly give the Idol away?

Marty and Dan race to the area that Jill mentioned, and start digging. They hit the failblog, showing that perhaps they aren’t the best and the brightest. (Well, we already knew this about Dan, because he brought those damn shoes along that cost more than 5 of my car payments.) Jill finally has to waltz into the scene for assistance. She points at a spot on the ground, Marty digs, and finds the Idol. At first, Marty bellows about HIM being safe. Then he glances at Jill, sees her upraised eyebrow, and changes his tune to “WE’RE safe”. (Memo to Jill: You better keep an eye on Marty. I’m thinking he doesn’t really understand the solid you just gave him.)

Back to the La Flor camp, where folks are discussing who should go home. As opposed to last week, when everybody wanted to send Kelly B home so she wouldn’t get the sympathy vote for her leg, Kelly B now seems safe because she kicked ass in the challenge, and nobody can deny that. Most of the clueless kindergartners think NaOnka should go, but then Kelly B hatches a better plan. Let’s send Brenda home. Several heads nod, except for Chase, because he’s kinda tight with Brenda. (In a sidebar: “I’m torn. I have no idea what to do.”)

Next we have NaOnka and Brenda, wallering around in the surf and assuming soft-porn erotic poses. NaOnka: “Let’s get Shannon out. Then Fabio.” Brenda thinks this sounds like a sweet deal, so they plot, thinking they can get Sash, Chase and Purple Kelly to join their cause.

A bit later, Chase comes running up to Brenda and lets her know that half of the tribe has fingered her for eviction. Brenda is clearly startled by this revelation. Brenda: “Who’s behind this?” Chase: “Shannon.” Brenda: “Then let’s take him out.”

This conversation, because nobody in the La Flor tribe seems to have any sense and they don’t take precautions to plot in secret, is overheard by Alina. She immediately runs to tell the Shannon alliance everything, which leads to Shannon in a sidebar: “I don’t know who to trust!” (Good, because I can’t stand you.)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Shannon: “Is it difficult being out here?” Shannon starts out benignly, mumbling about it being much more difficult living in the wild than he expected. Then he completely jumps the shark, saying that if Chase “goes with his girlfriend”, then Chase is going home next. This opens up a firestorm of accusations and threats. It gets wild. It’s clear that Shannon does not understand how to play this game, alienating even his own alliance members.

Jeff: In 21 seasons of Survivor, I have never seen an opening question at Tribal “lead to that much whoop-ass.”

Jeff to Brenda, and I quote: “While Shannon loses his mind behind you,” what do you think? Brenda politely tries to remain civil, but Shannon keeps bellowing the entire time.

Jeff to Shannon: Do you not understand that what you’re doing is not the wisest thing to do? (Jeff is clearly over Shannon.)

Shannon suddenly turns on Sash: “Are you gay?”

Every single person in the tribe is mortified by this. Except for Alina. She seems to think it’s perfectly fine to bring orientation into the mix, despite the fact that it has nothing to do with anything. Let’s add her to the “can’t stand” list, shall we?

Sash: What the hell are you talking about? I’m straight.

Shannon: “There’s a lotta gays in New York. Not in Louisiana.”

Jeff is completely fed up: “They’ve got a lot of gays in New York?” THAT’s your strategy?

Then NaOnka pipes up, ripping at Fabio, stating “Fabio, I don’t like you”, and whipping her hair around some more.

This mess is just unbelievable.

Fabio: “Can we just vote?”

Jeff to Kelly B: “Your thoughts on all this?”

Kelly B: We need to work for unity.

Duh.

Time to Vote. If they don’t send Shannon home, I’m done.

Eventually, Jeff traipses in with the carefully-sequenced votes.

Shannon, Fabio and Alina vote for Brenda.

Everybody else votes for Shannon. He’s gone.

And he stomps out, totally stunned, which pleases me.

Jeff: “It’s very clear that the biggest threat to this tribe is the tribe itself.”

Word.

#171 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 12

2010-09-16T22:27:00.001-05:00

We start out in the parking lot of Fangtasia, with Eric and Russell sizzling away on the pavement, looking a bit under the weather. While they wait for someone to reach down with a giant spatula and flip them over, they bicker over the importance of Russell slaughtering Eric’s entire family. Suddenly, Godric appears to Eric, bathed in white light and spouting some Hallmark crap about “Forgiveness is love.” This makes Eric contort his face and scream really loud.

Cut to Sookie running through the forest in a billowy dress. A giant, gaudy chandelier descends from the sky and hovers over her, making her all glowy and stuff. She blinks her eyes, and she’s back in Fangtasia, with Bill shoving his face in hers. She leaps off the table or whatever and slaps him, because he interrupted a really pretty dream. “You betrayed me!”

Bill: “I only pretended to betray you, again, so I could save your life, again.”

He has a point, so Sookie changes the subject: “Where’s Eric?”

Pam, face streaked with blood tears and still gazing at the parking lot monitors: “Outside. Burning.”

Well, Sookie is not impressed with that, because it would be one less person who secretly wants her. She starts to rush out the door, Bill tries to stop her, angry words are exchanged, and Sookie dashes out anyway. She uses one of her Sookie powers to break the silver bond between Eric and Russell, hurls Russell against a fence, then drags Eric back into the family-friendly atmosphere of Fangtasia.

Roll opening credits. Did you know that people in Louisiana like to wear dirty ball caps? A lot.

Inside Fangtasia, Pam announces that Eric is very weak and “can’t drop fang”, which I’ve decided is a very fun expression and plan to use in the future. Sookie makes Bill bite her, so she can then feed her magical fairy juice to Eric. Bill and Sookie glare at each other while Eric slurps.

Zip over to Sam’s place, where he and Tara are all aglow after a night of squat tag, and he’s making breakfast for her. When she discovers that the menu includes hoecakes made with bacon grease, this causes the conversation to steer towards why Sam barks in his sleep. He fesses up to being a shape-shifter. She’s not every hungry anymore, faced once again with supernatural people making her life difficult.

Back to Fangtasia. Eric’s all better now that he’s gnoshed on Sookie. And he wants Sookie to run back out to the parking lot and rescue Russell. This is met with displeasure from Bill, Pam and Sookie. Fine. He’ll go himself. Sookie sighs. (Men are just so stupid.) Then she grabs a silver chain, heads back out, and wraps the chain around his neck to drag him back inside. She’s pretty strong for a waitress, lugging half-dead dead people around and all.

Back to Tara and Sam. Tara: “I cannot deal with non-humans right now. I wish I could just re-boot. Be a new person. And forget all this crap I’ve learned in the last few weeks.” Sam: You should be able to do that. You’d be surprised how easy it is.” Tara: It never catches up? Sam: Well, there’s that. You gotta keep moving.

Fangtasia again. Russell is silver-chained to the stripper pole. The vamps have got to go to ground, so Eric tells Sookie to stay and watch over Russell. She’s not really excited about the task, but reluctantly agrees, mainly so she won’t have to look at Bill’s hateful face. As the vamps leave, Eric calls somebody and tells him he’s going to need their help tonight. Hmmm.

Cut to the Bon Temps Sheriff’s station, where Andy is dealing with some DEA honcho who is all hopped up about raiding the place where Crystal’s creepy family is selling V. Jason wanders up, sniffing to find out when the raid might be. Andy drags Jason to his office to school him and make him shut up, but simple Andy spills that they raid will take place today. Jason bolts.

Tara is trotting out the door of Sam’s place, moseying toward the Merlotte’s parking lot, when she suddenly has flashbacks to the hundred or so people she’s seen killed there. This makes her really sad and pensive.

Hoyt shows up at his jobsite, only to find his momma, Summer the Biscuit Maker, and his high-school guidance counselor. They gonna do an intervention, just like on Dr. Phil! Well, it doesn’t go as they planned, mainly because Momma is just too twisted for words. Hoyt ends it with “I love Jessica. If you don’t like it, you can’t be a part of my life.”

Awww. And they say true love never dies. Literally.

Over to Sam’s again. He walks out of his place to find Lafayette hanging around outside Merlotte’s. Laff came in early to make some oyster stew, but forgot his key. Sam lets him in, but not before Laff has one of his visions about Sam, bloody hands and evil threats, that stuff. Okay, we need to find out what’s going on with Laff.

Back to Fangtasia. First, Russell tries to barter with Sookie so she will release him. She plays along for a bit, getting him to offer up 5 million dollars, his plantation, and a promise to kill both Eric and Bill. (Wow. She really is mad at them.) Then she decides not to let him go, so Russell tries to scare her by snarling that every vampire on the planet will be after her for her Sookie juice. And they will suck her dry.

Sookie doesn’t think such threats are very polite, so she sprays him in the face with some of the funky silver mist. Rather than just shut up, Russell continues to threaten. Well, two can play at the bullying game. Sookie snatches up the crystal urn with Talbot’s remains. “Why are you carrying this around?’ Turns out that Russell is actually planning to bring him back to life. Really? How so? Apparently Russell plans to use Sookie’s blood for this miraculous feat of engineering.

Or maybe not. Sookie takes the urn behind the bar, dumps the Talbo goo in the sink, and then flips on the garbage disposal. Russell freaks while blades whirl and Sookie laughs maniacally. Oh my. We be gettin’ vicious up in here.

Jason and Crystal roll up to the drug-shack compound. While very dirty and half-naked kinfolk mill about, Crystal Daddy comes out hollerin for Jason and Crystal to leave. They try to explain that the Feds is comin’. Crystal Daddy finally believes them, and starts ordering his relatives to hide stuff. Suddenly, there’s a gun shot and Felton appears. He’s not keen on gettin’ rid of the V, money to be made and all that. When Crystal Daddy argues, Felton just shoots him in the head. (These are some really nice people. I wonder if I can book a tour?)

Cut to Sam showing up at Terry and Arlene’s. Terry’s sitting on the porch steps, bawling. (Who knows, it’s Terry.) Sam apologizes for the things he said when he was drunk, and Terry cries more. Turns out these are tears of joy. Arlene’s good, the baby’s good, and now he’s got a nice apology to go with it. Ergo, the floodgates are open.

I really don’t understand these people.

Sam has no idea what to say to messed-up Terry, so he goes over to the house Tommy was renting. The place is trashed and Tommy is gone. Uh oh.

Back to the police station, where the DEA agents are rolling out for the big raid. The honcho won’t let Andy come along, instead sending him to the store to get him a pack of cigarettes. Poor Andy.

Once again to the drug factory. Felton has whipped himself into a frenzy, threatening to kill everybody while kinfolk stand around in their underwear and show us their bad teeth. Jason tries to calm him down, saying that’s just the V talking. Felton doesn’t care. He likes violence. (Big surprise.) Then Felton orders “his woman” Crystal to get in the truck so they can drive off and hurt some more people. Crystal agrees to do so, afraid if she doesn’t that Felton will kill Jason.

Before she leaves, Crystal tells Jason that somebody has got to take care of these poor, dirty people. Jason: “Tell me how to.” Crystal: “Just help them. Any way you can.” Then she says her teary goodbye. Jason: “I will find you.” Once the trunk thunders away down the dusty road, Jason turns to the dirty clan and introduces himself.

Tara arrives at her momma’s home, only find Momma playing slap and tickle with her preacher. Harsh words are exchanged, and Tara realizes this is no longer home. She wishes her Momma luck and drives away. Momma just stands there with her fake wig and looks confused.

Cut to Merlotte’s. Sam marches into his office and finds the safe gone. (Courtesy of that model citizen, the now-missing Tommy.) Sam shoves a gun in his pants and stomps out. Meanwhile, Lafayette is just trying to cook food for people, but he keeps seeing those demon images, causing him to flip his burgers wrong and spill grits. He gets on the horn with Jesus. “I’m seeing things. BAD things!” Jesus: “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Fangtasia again. We see a truck drive into the parking lot. Inside, Russell thinks its “my wolves, come to rescue me.” Well, no. It’s Alcide. Sookie spies him, has a small orgasm, and races up to him. “You’ve come to rescue me!” Well, no. Alcide: “Eric called me. Wants me to do somethin’. Said he’d settle all my dad’s debts.” Sookie frowns. “Oh.”

But before they get around to doing anything constructive, Alcide has a beer while Sookie hovers. Alcide: “I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I’d hate it if we never saw each other again.” Sookie beams, because her stable of admirers is apparently intact. But she tells him “don’t be such a good guy right now.”

Eric, Bill and Pam come marching in from… who knows. Eric unchains Russell and starts to drag him out to Alcide’s truck. Bill wants Sookie to stay here, “Pam will protect you.” Sookie wants none of that, she’s going home. And she rescinds the invitation to her house from all the vampires in the room, including Bill. As she flits out the door, Bill and Alcide glare at each other. (Which prompts Eric to say funniest line in the episode, and it’s entirely unprintable.)

Sheriff’s office again, with Andy staring at a vial of V in total fascination. His contemplation is interrupted by the DEA honcho barging in, dragging Jason along. The whole drug bust was a bust. Everybody gone, Jason tipped them off. The honcho storms out, calling everybody backwoods hicks. Once he’s gone, Andy tears into Jason for screwing things up. Jason stops him. “This is bigger than us. Sometimes the right thing to do is the wrong thing.”

I don’t know where they are headed with the Jason character lately, but me likey.

Merlotte’s. Jesus arrives, and he and Laff have a confab in the hallway. Laff: What is going on? Jesus: You opened up something inside you. You’re more sensitive now. Laff: I don’t WANT to be sensitive. Jesus: I’m a brujo. A witch. Laff: A witch? You’re a witch, who’s a nurse, who’s a dude. Jesus nods. Laff: Well, I guess I lucked out, then, huh?

Cut to Tara in a bathroom at Sookie‘s, reaching for scissors. They play it up like she might be about to engage in some bodily harm, but instead she cuts off most of her hair, resulting in a really cute new ‘do. Sookie arrives home, and they chat over a meal. They bond again, sisters once more. Then Tara suddenly announces that she’s “gonna run over to Merlotte’s. Gotta talk to Lafayette.” They hug and Tara leaves.

Something’s going on here, not sure what.

Cut to a construction site. We see Alcide about to drive off in his truck, talking to Eric. “We’re done now, right? You leave my daddy and my family alone.” Off he goes. The camera pans to Russell, thrown into a deep pit, with wet concrete being poured around him. This is apparently Eric’s new plan to keep Russell from finding any redemption after the True Death. Russell won’t really be dead, but will be wrapped in silver and encased in concrete. He won’t get out for a long time. A hundred years for him to go mad with grief.

You think Eric has a little bit of a grudge?

Russell: “I will kill you both.”

Eric gets another vision from Godric, who is very disappointed that Eric couldn’t just let it go. Eric explains that “this is what you made me”. Eric hits a button that sends in more concrete, covering Russell. Godric vanishes, sad.

As Russell’s cries die out, Bill offers his hand to Eric, appearing interested in a truce. When Eric accepts his hand, Bill slaps some silver on it, immobilizing Eric. Bill then knocks Eric into another pit, and starts pouring in concrete. (I know, right?) While Eric disappears beneath the grayish goo, Bill whips out the phone he stole from Eric before shoving him in the pit. “Reuben” answers. Bill: “This is Northman. I want you to find my progeny Pam and kill her. Now.”

Cut to Hoyt and Jessica arriving at a house. He leads her, blindfolded, through the front door, then lets her see where they are. He’s put a security deposit down on their first home. Hoyt: “I want to marry you.” Jess: “We can’t.” Hoyt: “What’s to keep me from becoming a minister and marrying ourselves?”

It’s totally sweet. But as the camera pans away, we see what looks like a creepy voodoo doll lying in one of the other rooms. Great. Nobody can ever be happy in this show for any length of time.

Now we’re in some gun shop, and Momma Hoyt is checking out rifles, her face all pinched and Republican.

Sookie’s house, and a knock on the door. It’s Bill. “We must talk.” Sookie: “Come in.” (So I guess she’s already over her vampire ban.) They chat, with Bill fessing that Russell is gone (Sookie: “Yay!”), and so is Eric. Sookie: Wait. What? Why? Bill: He tasted you. Even if we go our separate ways, I must protect you. I intend to bring the True Death to all who have tasted you and know what you are. Even if it means not being a part of your life. This I swear to you.

Well, then.

The front door flies open, and there’s Eric on the porch. Oh?

Eric: “You did tell her that you were sent by the Queen of Louisiana, to procure her for what she might be?”

Sookie: “What?”

Bill: I didn’t know in the beginning why she wanted you. As I grew to know you, I purposely kept you from her.

Eric: What about you letting two psychos beat her, so you could feed her your blood the night you met? Think she’ll forgive you for that?

Sookie: Is it true?

Bill: Yes.

Eric: He tried to silence me tonight so you would never know. He doesn’t want to protect you. He only wants to protect himself.

Sookie, livid, to Bill: Get out of my house!

Bill is forced through the air but hangs onto the door frame: It was YOU I loved, not what you are.

Sookie: Don’t come near me. Don’t call me.

Bill: I love you.

Sookie: You don’t even get to use that word! I rescind my invitation.

Bill is forced down the porch steps and into the yard, flopping around in the dirt while Eric picks bits of concrete out of his hair.

Eric, to Sookie: I’m sorry to see you suffer like this, but I thought you had the right to know. Then he smirks, because he just got a notch up on the tracking spreadsheet of Sookie’s suitors.

Merlotte’s. Tara drives into the parking lot, gazes wistfully at the building, and then drives away.

She’s gone.

We see Tommy walking along a road. A jeep comes thundering along, and Tommy runs. It’s Sam, and he jumps out of the jeep and chases Tommy through the woods. There’s a confrontation, Sam demands his money back, pointing his gun at Tommy. Tommy doesn’t believe him and turns to go. Sam shoots. I’m guessing he was serious about wanting that money back.

Sookie’s house. She’s crying. Then she suddenly runs out the door. Maybe she forgot to pay the water bill.

Bill’s house. The Queen shows, all haughty. “Bring me the girl. I’ve waited so long to feel sunlight.” Bill: She’s not here. I brought you here under false pretenses. But I do have another surprise for you. Only one of us will leave this house.

They bare fangs and fly at each other.

Quick scene with Eric and Pam at Fangtasia. She’s fine, apparently surviving whatever Reuben tried to to, and getting home in time to watch “Wheel of Fortune”.

Back to Sookie, running through a graveyard. She finds Gran’s headstone. “I followed my heart, but it led me down a dead-end road. I’ve never felt so alone.”

Mystical music plays, and a woman appears. “Sookie, you’re not alone. Come with us.” The woman holds out her hand.

Sookie takes it. Pretty lights sparkle around then, and they vanish.

Roll end credits.

#170 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 30

2010-09-16T18:22:00.001-05:00

It’s a live show, so we start off with Julie, almost bursting with excitement because the series run is almost over and she can quit working nights. She’s babbling about how, for the first time ever, a secret alliance has made it all the way to the end. (Um, they really didn’t, because Matty got booted some time back. Part of the alliance made it all the way, yes. Jules, don’t think you can lie to me just because your earrings cost more money than I will ever make in my lifetime.)

Then, on cue, the crowd erupts into a frenzy of worship. Because it’s the finale, half of them are waving those suspicious “homemade” signs that look like the same person made them all. These people didn’t bring those things from home. They were handed to them in the line.

Anyway, cue the Announcer guy to do his thing. It takes him a while this time, because he’s reviewing the whole season, but we don’t really see anything new or different. Of course, the producers skew things a bit making it look like The Brigade was a well-oiled machine that rolled over the rest of the house, instead of four guys who bumbled along and managed to survive by luck and circumstance.

Back to Jules, explaining how the evening is going to go. Lane and Hayden are going to play round three of the final HOH. Whoever wins will choose which guy to keep and boot the other. The loser will then scamper out into the studio and join the rest of the jury. Then Julie bellows “But first!”, so you know some filler material is headed our way. Let’s review some recent clips to see how The Brigade is now turning on one of their own. (The live studio audience screams in glee and excitement.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “I win this final HOH, and I’m golden.” (But he’ll still have ugly hair where homeless people can live.)

Lane in the Diary Room: “I want the easiest person to beat sitting next to me in the Final Two.” (Think of that all on your own, did ya?) “Trouble is, I don’t know if that’s Hayden or Enzo.” (Then one of his biceps distracts him and he’s really not sure what he was talking about.)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “I’m screwed right now… I’m the mastermind, I’m the Godfather, and it looks like I made a hit on myself.” (Mastermind? Dude, you totally went to a different school than me.)

Scene with Lane and Hayden in the kitchen. They’re discussing how “huge” it is that they’ve gotten this far, but it’s hard for me to pay attention because they’re both wearing some t-shirts that they’ve finger-painted with Brigade slogans. It looks like some pre-schoolers broke into the art room when they were supposed to be napping.

Hayden and his hair in the Diary Room: He wants Lane to think that if Lane takes him to the Final Two, Lane will win. So he’s decided to downplay his accomplishments in the house so Lane will feel more confident than he should. This shouldn’t be too hard, since Lane will not be getting a Mensa invitation in the mail any time soon.

Shots of Enzo at night, by himself, still babbling about how unfair it would be for him to not win. In the Diary Room: “I made the Brigade. I put all the work into it. I’m not going to lay down and die.” (This guy seriously has an altered perception of reality. Must be nice to live there.)

Hayden and Enzo on the patio. Enzo is still whining about having no power, Hayden is trying to appear supportive. “You still have a chance. Best social game ever in the history of Big Brother.” (Um, no. Sorry.) Enzo whines some more. “I only won one POV. They’re gonna chew me up.” (Well, it’s a little late to be worrying about that now, Slacker Boy. Maybe if you had taken your hands out of your pants, you might have won a few more things.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Maybe I should take Enzo.” He didn’t do squat. (Hayden, neither did you, until it got down to the end, and there was nobody in the house. Of course you’re going to win some things at that point. Enzo was too lazy, Lane was too simple, and Britney was too busy ensuring her makeup looked good on TV.)

Lane and Enzo in the kitchen. Guess what? Enzo’s still whining. Lane doesn’t think he can beat either one of them. Enzo keeps telling Lane that he can’t win against Hayden. Interspersed with this, we keep getting shots of Hayden really enjoying washing himself in the shower. No explanation is given as to the need for this.

Jules again: Up next, Britney tells the rest of the jury about The Brigade. Yay!

Commercials. If your vehicle doesn’t have Bluetooth, your life sucks, got it?

Julie talks to the Final Three in the couch room. She asks all of them pretty boring questions, so I just sit there and wait for the mess to be over with.

Cut to Britney arriving at the Jury House. She waltzes in wearing an “Alternate Brigade” t-shirt, and immediately spills all. Of course, no one takes very kindly to this news, except for Matt. Then even he blows a gasket when Britney reveals that Enzo is taking credit as the mastermind. (For the record, Ragan doesn’t cry, but he gets close.)

A bit later, the jury members all doll up and head out onto a patio to discuss the Final Three. It starts out with Rachel and Brendon thinking the Brigade got by on luck, since the rest of the house was busy fighting each other and not paying attention. (Completely on board with that.) But the others disagree. Then they start analyzing the individual three, and it’s clear that both Hayden and Enzo have some admirers.

Rachel: “I think strategically Lane played the best game.” And off we go, some people agreeing and some people completely disagreeing. Bottom line, by the end of the semi-staged discussion, it’s not clear if there’s a real favorite. Which is exactly how the BB producers want it, natch.

Time for the final round of the HOH with Hayden and Lane.

As is tradition, this round is a series of statements made by jury members, with Julie giving two possible endings to the statement. You get a point if you get it right, and the most points wins.

They both answer the first question correctly. Same with the second. And the third. And fourth. They both miss the fifth. And they miss the sixth. Tie breaker question, answer will be a number. Closest without going over wins. And Hayden gets it.

Julie: “Hayden, we’ll be back for your decision in a few minutes.”

Commercials. One of them is the E-Trade talking babies. There’s just something not right about that mess. Creepy.

Time for Hayden’s answer and the save-me speeches.

Enzo: Whatever you gotta do.

Lane: No hard feelings.

Julie: Hayden?

Hayden: Votes to evict Enzo.

Exit interview.

Julie tries to ask questions, but Enzo cannot stop talking about how great he is. Apparently life on this planet was not important or meaningful until he was born.

Julie brings out the first six members of the jury. They still don’t know about Enzo, so Julie quizzes them to build the suspense, then they finally drag Enzo out to complete the jury. They will now ask their prepared questions.

And none of the questions really change anything. Generic questions, generic answers. If there’s any distinction made, it’s that Lane is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but we, and he, already knew that.

Time to vote.

Final “save-me” speeches of the summer.

Hayden: The bottom line is when it comes down to competitions, I won more. (He pushes it a little too far, and might possibly be alienating a few people.)

Lane: He stays more with the social aspect of the game and how he played that. Winning shouldn’t be all about just the competitions. (A bit of advice, Lane: When you run out of things to say, don’t just make stuff up. Smile and sit down.)

Each member of the jury gets to vote and say some final words. Then the votes are locked in.

Jules: Up next! Annie, Monet, Andrew and Kristen are the only ones who have watched everything up to this point. We’ll bring them back and let them spill! Hurray!

Let me sum it up for you: Monet doesn’t regret calling Rachel a skanky Ho, Kristen is perfectly willing to have Hayden’s baby, Andrew is still a total geek, and we didn’t get to know Annie enough to really care. All caught up? Great.

We still have plenty of time left, so Julie kills some minutes by showing funny scenes and discussing sho-mances. It’s fine and all, but come on, folks, let’s crown the winner, okay?

Ragan is revealed as the second Saboteur, much to everyone’s surprise.

Finally, the Results:

Rachel, Brendon and Britney vote for Lane.

Kathy, Matt and Ragan vote for Hayden.

Which means Enzo casts the deciding vote, and he goes with Hayden.

Celebration ensues.

We close the show with Julie revealing America’s player:

Britney gets the $25K.

And we’re done. 30 Reviews in 10 weeks. I need a nap.

Hope you enjoyed it…

#169 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 1

2010-09-16T11:11:00.001-05:00

We start off, of course, watching pretty location shots while Jeff Probst babbles about how everything is really remote and dangerous. (But not remote enough, apparently, that the producers can’t get a full-blown camera crew in there.) Jeff gives us some history of Nicaragua, details which are immediately forgotten because everybody is still getting settled in front of the TV and checking the beer supply. Some mess about active volcanoes, that’s all that really stuck.

Finally, we start getting glimpses of the 20 Survivors as they march along in a jungle. Some blonde guy starts talking (I guess we’re not supposed to know names yet, because they don’t flash his name on the screen.) “There’s monkeys hanging from everything!” Of course, I get a flashback to my last staff meeting at work.

Then Jimmy Johnson appears, and he instantly talks about winning Superbowls and how great he is, so I’m already not sure that we’re going to get along. This is followed by Jeff explaining that the Survivors think they’ve already been divided into teams, but they haven’t really. For now, they’re just marching along, and supposedly not talking. But they are talking in sidebars, with several people pointing out that they already hate other people just from looking at them. It’s nice to see people being so warm and accepting.

Oh, and we have the requisite skinny girl claiming that she’s going to flirt her way to the money. I instantly want her to go, and I don’t even know her name yet.

The opening credits finally roll, and now we have names for the people, but since we haven’t seen most of them, it’s pointless to do into any detail. Besides, half these people will be gone before we figure out who they are anyway.

Cut to a beach, where Jeff is bellowing “come on in, guys!”. Folks come traipsing in, and once again, some of the people are dressed completely inappropriately. Two of the girls think it’s just fine to be wearing cowboy boots. Uh huh. Try running your ass off down the sand in those. Two of the other girls are wearing what looks like a modified washcloth. I guarantee you they will be the first to complain about being cold when it rains. And there’s a guy with a tie. These people know there‘s not a mall around the corner, right?

In a sidebar, we meet Kelly B, who had one of her legs amputated at an early age. Wow. As long as she’s nice, I’m already rooting for her.

In another sidebar, a guy named Marty is already going off on Jimmy Johnson being out here. And really, why did the producers even let Jimmy on the show? People know him. And people are going to want him out. Oh wait, I keep forgetting that these shows are supposed to make money, not sense. My bad.

Jeff chats with the folks for a while, focusing on the “first appearances” thing. People respond with how they are already feeling each other out and learning to bond with their team. It’s pretty boring, so Jeff gets to the first challenge. He points at a nearby lagoon. Somewhere in there is the “medallion of power”, and if you find it, your whole tribe will benefit. “You can start now.”

The thundering herd races toward the water. Well, sort of. A few of them are strolling along like they’ve just had brunch and they’re a little gassy. We have shots of people running about all wild-eyed. Suddenly, the self-proclaimed slut (Brenda) spies something in a tree, and scampers up to retrieve it. Bingo. Jeff calls everybody back to the beach.

Jeff then breaks the news. New tribes. 40 and older over there, 30 and younger over here. Of course, the youngsters are high-fiving each other in delight, because they still belief that youth is everything. The oldsters sedately join each other, because they have to save their strength. Buffs are handed out.

Jeff then has a proposal for Brenda and her medallion. She can keep the medal and its mysterious, not-yet-named power. Or she can trade it for fire and fishing gear. Whatever she gives up goes to the other tribe. Quick shots of the youngsters biting their lips and trying to decide what to do.

Cut to commercials, so that we will be insane with anticipation by the time we get back. Or not.

The kids take the fishing gear. The medallion goes to the other tribe.

Cut to the Espada camp, where the older folks are getting to know one another. Jimmy has a side bar where he whines about not being in control like he normally is. (Poor thing. Must be rough, not being able to fire people.) But Jimmy decides that he’s going to play up his “superstar status”. Meanwhile, Holly, a swim coach, is already strategizing. She apparently gets in an alliance with the older cowgirl (Yve?) and also offers an alliance to Wendy, a goat rancher with a really weird accent.

We meet Jane, who tells us in a sidebar that she’s no prim housewife. From the look of her hair, she ain’t lyin. (On a heavier note, she just lost her husband last year.) Then she marches out on the beach and quickly starts a fire using a pair of glasses, so she immediately has a leg up on everybody. She then does a victory dance which is very startling in nature. Perhaps she should have refrained from that last bit.

Cut to the La Flor camp with the kiddies, where everyone is really loud and really tan. We meet Sash in a sidebar, where he’s psyched because “we know we’re going to dominate”. Then he talks about all the beautiful girls, so you know he’s really focused on what’s important. Next up in a sidebar is Jud, also happy about the youth of their tribe. “These are my people!” Really? Based on what, Jud? The fact that none of you can remember a President before George Shrub? You’re already missing a “D” in your name, what else is AWOL with you? Then he manages to stomp on something that cuts his foot, justifying my early judging of his book cover.

Shannon (a guy) in a sidebar, calling Jud a “dumb blond”. And he thinks one of the other guys is “retarded”. Nice. Then Shannon hooks up with one of the guys that they don’t identify. (I think it’s Chase.) They both feel they are the strongest and best players and need to stay tight. And they don’t want another girl to win. Shannon in a sidebar again: “We gotta control these girls. I mean, we already get owned in marriage.”

Shannon can go home at any time. Just sayin.

Then Kelly B decides to reveal the situation with her leg, just so she‘s not hiding anything. Everyone seems to be supportive, but then we have Shannon in a sidebar again. He wants her to get booted out so she won’t get the sympathy vote in the end. This guy just shoots decency out his ass, right? Then Naonka, in her sidebar, says “I don’t want to talk bad about Kelly,” and then proceeds to do just that, wanting her to go home as well. What is wrong with these people?

Back to the Espada tribe, at night. We see Jimmy Johnson throwing up, and claiming that he overworked himself. (Isn’t it intriguing that the Survivor producers will blur out any hint of man bits jiggling in underwear, but if someone’s blowing chow, we get it in 3-D.) Next morning, he’s whining about “zero sleep” and how miserable he is. To everybody. This is not a good idea.

Back to La Flor. Brenda and Chase seem to be getting close, flirting a wee bit as they strategize. He admits to his alliance with Shannon. (Brenda in a sidebar: “He’s a really nice guy, but he’s clueless. Of course I’m going to use that information to get me to the end.” Then she runs off to straddle a fallen log seductively.)

Alina and Kelly B check treemail and find a clue to a Hidden Immunity Idol. It’s up to them whether they share the clue with the others or not. Of course they aren’t going to say a word, but they can’t seem to figure out the clue, pointing at some cryptic symbols and giggling because they’re on TV. (Alina complains in a sidebar that she wishes they hadn’t found it together, because now she’s in a pseudo alliance with Kelly B, and she really wants Kelly to go home because of the sympathy vote thing.)

Is there anybody on this tribe that has a shred of humanity? Should we take Kelly B out in the woods and just shoot her? God.

Espada tribe again, with treemail. It appears to be a clue about the first challenge. So of course Jimmy J decides to play coach and get people motivated. Then he surprises me by telling everyone that he knows he’s not going to win, no jury would give him a million dollars. But he’s here for the adventure, and he wants to help one of them win. Well, then. I might have to like Jimmy even though he’s already on my nerves. The rest of the tribe nods their heads and seems psyched. Except for Jimmy T, who seems to be having a conversation with someone that doesn’t exist.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

The older team comes in and stately takes their place on the mat. The younger tribe comes in doing a stupid dance with a little flourish from the girls at the end. They are clearly not taking this seriously, convinced that they’ve already won, and Jeff is none too impressed. He tries to make fun of their dumb-ass antics, but the pre-schoolers don’t get it because Jeff is not an MTV video. Jeff sighs. Let’s get to it.

Basically, they have to fill troughs with water, so that it will flow into a tub thing and cause a bag of puzzle pieces to fall, then figure out the puzzle. Loser goes to Tribal. Oh, but wait. That Medallion of Power thing? It’s a huge advantage at challenges. If the older tribe chooses to use it, they get help with the challenge now, but then the Medallion will flip over to the other tribe for the next challenge.

The older tribe opts to keep the Medallion for now and not use it. Interesting.

And off we go. It’s actually a very tight race for a while, despite the fact that the person pouring the water for the older tribe seems confused about the laws of gravity. The younger tribe gets their puzzle pieces first, but only by a bit. Then it falls apart, with the older tribe lethargically diddling with the puzzle pieces while the younger tribe is bouncing and screaming and shoving pieces into place. Younger tribe wins.

Espada camp. Jimmy T in a sidebar: “This place has already knocked me down, and it’s only day three.” Then he marches over to a few of the other tribe members and tells them he’s voting for Jimmy J to go home. (“Stars blind people.”) But he’s really agitated about it, and comes off a tad unbalanced. Methinks he should have just kept his mouth shut.

Jimmy J and Holly go for a walk, strategizing. He says they should vote out the weakest player, which is either him or Wendy. Really? Just what the hell kind of game is Jimmy playing here? In a sidebar, Holly agrees with him, and is regretting her rushed alliance with Wendy.

Holly runs up to Jill, Yve, and Marty, and tells them what Jimmy said, that it should be him or Wendy, and now she doesn’t know what to think. (I’m thinking she needs to pull her bathing suit out of her crevices, because that really looks painful and I can’t concentrate on what she’s saying.) Jill suggests that the four of them do a round table and just say who they think should go. Yet they can’t do it. No one wants to make a decision, so they just stare at each other while crickets chirp.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff: “Let’s talk about first impressions.” And so they do. Jane calls herself a “southern hillbilly” but she actually comes across as kind of fun. Jimmy T lets it be known that he’s a little peeved that he’s not being perceived as a leader. Jimmy J does his “no jury’s gonna give me” thing again. Jimmy T begs to differ. Wendy proves that she might indeed by psychotic, upset that no one even asked her how old she was.

Jeff: Time to vote.

Wendy: Can I say something? And then the “might be crazy” changes to concrete fact. She babbles on forever about what she perceives as her strengths, and makes no sense. (“I have no calluses on my feet!” What the hell?) The rest of the tribe squirms in discomfort.

Jeff: Time to vote. (Is that okay, Wendy?)

The Results:

Wendy votes for Yve. Everybody else votes for Wendy.

And thus continues the Survivor tradition of the first person to leave getting sent home because nobody knows enough about anybody to really make it a fair vote. In the first few days, the mere fact that you are a goat rancher with no calluses is enough to get the boot. Wendy wanders away from Tribal, down a path that apparently leads through a graveyard. That’s nice. Nothing confirms defeat like a stroll through a field of dead people…

#168 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 28

2010-09-10T11:51:00.001-05:00

We’re live, with Julie and the caterwauling audience. While they destroy the soundstage with the sheer vibration of their over-caffeinated yodeling, Julie babbles: “Enzo! Hayden! Lane! They have orchestrated every eviction this summer!” (Um, no they didn’t. But yelling at the TV screen apparently does not make Julie retract her statement.)

Then it’s the Announcer Guy, reviewing the last few episodes, and the way they frame it you would think Hayden is single-handedly saving the planet. Oh, and “The Beast, The Animal and Meow-Meow are battling it out in the jungle right now.” (Um, no, they’re sitting on swings in the relatively tame courtyard. This is not a battle in the jungle. This is a crappy ride at a sucky amusement park.) “And emotions explode in the Jury House!”

Julie: Let’s go back to the Big Brother Rainforest for the exciting conclusion of Part One in the HOH Competition! The audience screams themselves into a frenzy at this apparently life-changing opportunity.

The camera cuts to the courtyard. Enzo, Hayden and Lane. Sitting on swings and slamming into a padded wall. Over and over. Totally boring.

So we go to the Diary Room for some confessions.

Hayden: “The Brigade is dead! It’s every man for himself.” (Then he just kind of sits there, waiting for an actual man to show up, because we haven’t seen a lot of them this season.)

Enzo: “I gotta win. They aren’t gonna take me to the Final Two. I’m popular in the Jury House.” (Maybe for now. Wait until Britney shows up over there with a mouthful of choice words.)

Lane: “It shoulda been me and Britney in the Final Two.” (Well, Lane, you only have yourself to blame for that. If you’d acted sooner, Enzo and/or Hayden would be sitting in the Jury House right now, trying to avoid lacerations from Rachel’s hair extensions or Kathy’s eyelashes when she blinks.)

The we have more shots of the swings and the wall-banging in the “rainforest”. Enzo is hollering the whole time like an idiot.

Lane in the Diary Room, discussing what it feels like hitting the padded wall: “It’s like being in a Texas bar fight, when you wake up the next morning and your testicles hurt.” (One, I clearly don’t understand what happens in Texas bar fights, and two, does Lane even understand what a testicle is?)

Then Enzo falls off his little swing. A mere 19 minutes into the competition. Puh-leeze.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Enzo has zero intestinal fortitude.” (Again with people using phrases that I don’t think they actually comprehend.)

More shots of the remaining two swinging and banging.

Lane: “Where’s Enzo?”

The camera shows him inside the house, making soup and pizza. Really? This is a clear violation of Big Brother tradition, where even though you may get eliminated in a competition, you remain in the courtyard and pretend to cheer the other players on, even if you are bored out of your skull and/or hate the people still playing.

Then Enzo actually brings his piping-hot pizza out to the patio, and noshes away in full view of the starving and cold guys on the swings, another violation. He truly just doesn’t get it. (Lane is furious in the Diary Room.) To top it off, Enzo is still obnoxiously whooping and hollering, in between rounds of wiping grease off his chin.

Lane falls at 2 hours and 35 minutes. Hayden wins the first round.

Back to Jules. “Lane and Enzo will face off in round two a little later. But coming up, the Jury House explodes!”

Okay, with all this promo, there better be something damn good happening in that Jury House, or I’m going to cut somebody.

Commercials. Did you know that you can get meat wrapped in meat, with a meat sauce, on a meat-flavored bun, at your nearest fast-food restaurant? Hurry! Your arteries aren’t going to clog themselves!

Julie: “Let’s go talk to the Final Three in the Couch Room!” Julie: “Enzo, how’d you make it this far in the game?” Enzo: “No idea.” Julie: “Lane, how hard was it to keep your alliance secret?” Lane: “Very.” Julie: “Hayden, now that Britney’s on the jury, are you concerned about the reaction?” Hayden: “They’re gonna hate us!” Then all three of them laugh.

Thanks, Julie. Very insightful. Learned a lot.

Julie explains some protocol for the rest of the season: The winners of Round 1 and Round 2 in the HOH Competition will compete in Round 3 LIVE on Finale Night. The winner will then pick his Final Two buddy, and they will go face the jury, who will question them and then vote. Got it?

Time for some filler material, since there are only three people left and none of them are all that interesting. Julie: “Enzo never won HOH, but back home he rules the house.” Cut to Bayonne, New Jersey, where we meet Enzo’s family. Surprise! They’re Italian! His wife obviously loves him, so that’s good. His entire family, watching on TV when Enzo slams into Ragan and sends him flying through the air, cheers like the Red Sea just parted, so that’s not so good. In the end, it’s very clear that his family was watching a different series than we were, overly praising Enzo for things he didn’t do.

Cut to the Jury House.

Kathy lets us know that she still hasn’t forgiven Matt for the lies about his wife, and is, in fact, even more upset with him. More than fair.

Ragan saunters in. Fake hugs abound, especially the one between Ragan and Rachel. (And what the hell is Matt wearing? Is he twelve?) Sidebar with Rachel: She’s all aglow with the possibility that Ragan will push her buttons and there will be a fight. She’s such a nice person, that Rachel girl.

Matt to Ragan: “Let’s step outside and talk.” (Kathy to Ragan: “Take a drink, you’ll need it.”) Once on the patio, Matt fesses about his wife. Ragan does not take it well. (In his own sidebar: “I feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football out.”)

The rest of the jury house joins them on the patio. Brendon and Kathy are supportive of Ragan, making it clear that they are not impressed with Matt. But Rachel doesn’t care because, well, let’s face it, she’s a bitch. So when Ragan does his own confession, admitting to having a PHD in Communications, Rachel jumps. “Do I have a bad social game?”

Ragan: “Yes, you wear your heart on your sleeve.”

And immediately the fur flies. As we’ve seen before, Ragan is very calm but very straightforward, telling it exactly like it is. While Rachel screams and flips her hair as her inability to remain civil rears its ugly head. (And it’s the same thing they fought about in the house. Rachel causes a LOT of problems because there’s something off kilter with her and human relations. He’s right, she won’t listen.) Ragan: “We don’t share a common reality.”

Rachel finally bellows “Grab your tiara and be a [dramatic expletive] queen!” Then she and her hair turn and stomp into the house.

Okay, from a confrontation aspect, I’ll give it a 3, maybe 4. But we’ve seen much more exciting things. Once again, the BB producers have oversold not much about nothing.

Time for Part 2 of the HOH Competition.

This one’s called “It’s Alive!”, and we’ve seen this before. Behind five curtains are five photos of two house guests morphed into one. Playing separately, Lane and Enzo will have two minutes to figure out the combinations. Whoever makes the most matches wins. If they get the same number of matches, then whoever buzzed in with the shortest playing time will win. And off we go.

Lane is first. He gets all five matches in 1 minute, 13 seconds.

Enzo is next. He gets all five matches in 1 minute, 43 seconds.

Lane is clearly the winner, but Julie throws a curve into things, because the BB producers apparently think we are just as stupid as the house guests that they intentionally pick for their stupidity.

Jules: “We have a tie! We will determine the winner when we return!”

Uh, I can tell time. Lane won. What’s the deal?

Commercials. Need a quick “payday” loan? Head on over to Tully’s House of Fast Money and we’ll fix you up. Tully is missing most of his teeth. Don’t worry about that.

And we’re back. Julie takes us to the Couch Room, where Enzo and Lane are sweating in the nomination chairs. (Why? They aren’t nominated for anything.) Hayden is off to the side, totally chilled, because he thinks he’s got this thing wrapped up.

Julie: It was a tie! (Enzo perks up. Lane is wondering if this is a formal occasion.) So we have to go to the clock. Who finished up more quickly? (We KNOW, Julie. God.) Enzo, you finished in blah blah time. Lane, it only took you blah time. Congrats!

Julie to Lane: How are you feeling right now? Lane: “I feel sweaty and numb and I can’t walk.”

Julie to Enzo: “How does it feel” to have sucked once again? Enzo: Well, I was born a poor black child on the outskirts of-

Julie: Whatev. See you guys next Wednesday!

Roll end credits.

P.S. Apparently Sunday’s show is just going to be a recap of the finer moments in the show thus far. The fact that they have managed to cobble together a full hour of things that might be considered “finer” makes a compelling statement that I should actually tune in, but we’ll see. I usually skip this one. We might not chat again until next Wednesday…

#167 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 27

2010-09-09T09:51:00.001-05:00

Editor’s Note: I missed the very beginning of this episode, since there were just a few tiny little things going on, like tornado sirens blaring and the pretty newscasters informing me that a tornado had just touched down just a few miles away and I better run like hell. But that all settled down, no personal damage other than frayed nerves, and the local station finally tuned us in to the Big Brother broadcast.

We’re dropped right into the action, with Hayden, Lane and Enzo sitting on the patio. Apparently there has been some type of heated discussion, because they’re all glaring at one another. (Hayden in the Diary Room: “I hope Lane stays loyal.” Enzo takes his hands out of his pants long enough to go to the Diary Room as well: “I’ve had my suspicions about Lane. I’m in the worst position.”) Who knows what happened. I would like to think Lane was trying to do the right thing by Britney, but I’m not sure he even knows what that is.

Britney and Hayden in the HOH Room, flopped on the bed because these people are apparently anemic and can’t be bothered with standing upright. Britney: “I’m nervous.” Hayden: “Nobody’s gonna take me to the Final Two.” Britney: You do realize that if Enzo goes to the end, he “will win unanimously.” (Britney in the Diary Room: Hey, I’m playing ALL the angles at this point.) Britney: “I have too many enemies in the Jury House. I’m not gonna win in the Final Two.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “She has some very good points.” Yes, she does. Are you listening?) Then some nurse comes in and gives them B12 shots in the butt in the hopes that they will finally get out of bed and change their underwear.

Back to Julie with that beyond-irritating live studio audience. She’s in one of her over-exuberant moods again. “This will be the most important Veto Competition of the summer! Who will have the sole power to evict?” Then about 14 people in the audience have simultaneous orgasms as they think about the options.

Commercials. Well, there should be commercials at this point. Because of the local weather conditions in Dallas caused by the dying but still kicking Tropical Depression Hermine, which has resulted in massive flooding and/or houses floating away down raging rivers that were just dried-up streams two days ago, we have blow-dried newscasters making us feel bad that we haven’t lost everything like the shell-shocked people on screen. Good times.

Time for the Veto Competition.

Each player has a station, with a giant wall, where there are 8 clues running along the top and 8 clues running along the bottom. They have to take these fake movie poster things, showing two evicted houseguests apiece, and match them up correctly. Trouble is, the posters are double-sided, so either view could actually be the right one. First to match all 8 correctly and hit the little bell thing wins POV.

We have Enzo in the Diary Room, saying something, but for the first time I actually pay attention to the subtitle blurb that mentions he’s an “insurance adjuster”. Really? In Jersey? With that attitude? Something tells me there’s a lot of angry claimants in that state who have unkind thoughts about Mr. Meow Meow.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Britney’s good at trivia.” Enzo and Lane, not so much. “So I’m gonna have to be the won who wins this.” Then he turns and waves to the crowd of paparazzi that isn’t really there.

Lane in the Diary Room: “I want Britney to win, so she can take herself off the block, Enzo goes up, and there’s no blood on my hands.” Then he turns and waves at the crowd of Longhorns that isn’t really there.

And the competition starts.

Lane in the Diary Room: Basically, “I’m really stupid.” Thanks for the insight, Lane. Figure that out all by yourself, did you?

Other people pile into the Diary Room, describing the strategy that they used during the running about. It’s not very interesting. You figure out the clues and you put the photos in the right order. Get it done.

Shots of everybody in the courtyard, sweating and thinking. (Every time we see Lane, they play corny hillbilly music.) Enzo is actually the first to hit his bell, but he’s got 5 incorrect out of 8. He grunts and gets back to work. Britney seems to be doing well, but she hasn’t hit her buzzer yet, so we don’t know how close she is. Lane? Well, he’s Lane.

All the sudden Hayden hits the bell and he has all 8 right. He wins POV, totally catching everyone off guard. Britney is especially stunned, gazing at him in amazement as she pulls her short-shorts out of her crack.

More scenes in the Diary Room.

Hayden: He’s celebrating his victory and kissing the POV medal, his biceps and his hair. He turns and waves to the crowd of horny supermodels that isn’t really there.

Britney: “I feel pretty good. Enzo could still go up.” She turns and waves to the crowd of Razorback fans that don’t actually have TV’s and therefore don’t know that she exists.

Lane, sighing: “Now I have to reverse back to The Brigade, and make them believe that I’ve always been on their side.” Then he pauses to wonder what “reverse back” really means.

Julie again: “Will The Brigade feel good enough to reveal one of the biggest secrets of the summer?” Then she turns and waves to the producers who cut her a check every week.

Commercials. Blech.

More Julie: “All secrets eventually come out!” We got it, Julie. Somebody in The Brigade is going to blab. Your hints have been so subtle, I never would have figured that out on my own.

Hayden, Lane and Enzo, sitting around. Hayden: “I was SO lucky”, winning that thing. Enzo: Are you kidding? You Da Bomb! (Yes, that sound you hear is full-strength ass-kissing.) Hayden: “When should we tell Britney about The Brigade?” (Oh?) Enzo: “Now.” Hayden: I want her to know that’s why I’m not going to use the Veto. (Lane in the Diary Room: Hoo boy. I’ve gotta be careful here.) Lane: “Tell her tonight if you want.” He gulps.

This should be fun.

Then we see Britney wandering up to the HOH Room, where Enzo and Lane are sitting about. Enzo to Lane: “What are you gonna do tonight?” Lane: “Drink beer.” Enzo tries again with another leading question, clearly trying to steer the conversation into a direction where they can tell Britney what’s up. But Lane is a few cow-pies short of a bushel, and doesn’t really get it. Or doesn’t want to get it.

Enzo gives up with the Lane angle, and turns to Britney: “You think there was an alliance in this house?” Britney: Sure. “Rachel and Brendon.” Then Enzo gets, to me anyway, rather cruel, having too much fun teasing Britney about not knowing about The Brigade. Really not caring for him right now. Not that I ever did, just sayin.

Then Enzo finally fully fesses up about The Brigade. Lane confirms: “From Day Two.” Enzo then gets very cocky, which is no surprise, but this is NOT the time to be that way. This is why Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Enzo is from some self-important galaxy that doesn’t even have a real name, just a number. Enzo on The Brigade: “I think it’s greatness.”

Britney lays on the HOH bed, absently picking at her fingernails as she tries to act nonchalant, but you know she’s devastated.

Hayden comes up to the room.

Enzo: “I told.”

Hayden: “Without me?” He turns to Britney: “I’m sorry, Britney. But I’m glad you won the 10 G’s.” Translation: You’re done.

Britney: “So I’m definitely going home?”

Hayden: “I’m not gonna use the Veto.”

Enzo: “That’s it. Know what I mean?” Classy guy, right?

Hayden: “The last thing I wanna do is make you cry.”

Britney jumps off the bed and starts to leave: “How do you think this feels, knowing you have no shot?” The others try to console her, but it’s too late. She storms out the door.

Britney in the Diary Room: “I’ve been completely played! Lane’s been lying to me! I don’t wanna talk to them. It makes me sick to think of voting for any of them.” Then she makes a hog-calling noise, and there’s the sound of cloven feet racing up to do her bidding in the middle of the night, seeking porcine retribution.

Lane starts to leave the HOH Room, to see how Britney’s doing, but Enzo tries to stop him: “Stay here. We need to talk.” (My fingers are crossed that this little snippet is shown to the jury members, so they can see what Enzo’s all about, but it probably won’t happen.) Lane leaves anyway.

Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s like one of my good dogs died.” Really, Lane? Britney is one of your good dogs? And Brendon was the Neander-tall?

Lane finds Britney in one of the bedrooms. “Want to talk?” Britney: “It’s not a good time. I’m going to bed.” Lane: “I wasn’t playing you. I never played you. I do have a lot of feelings for you.” Britney, sniffling and snuggling up to her pillow: Whatev. Good night.

Cut to Julie, acting all somber and dramatic after all that mess: “We’ll be back with the Veto Ceremony and the Eviction.” Then she turns and waves at her stylist.

Time for the Veto Meeting.

Hayden to the Nominees: “I hope to be friends with both of you. But I’m not using the Veto.”

Julie: Time for the Save Me speeches for the sole voter, Enzo.

Lane: He totally sucks up to Enzo. “Without you, this house would be dull and boring.” Which is a slam to everybody else, but I doubt that Lane thinks more than one sentence ahead in his life.

Britney: “I love you all. We’re friends forever.” She turns to Lane: “You’re my best friend! I’ll miss you forever!” Then she goes on with what turns out to be a very eloquent speech, no hard feelings, I hope the best for everybody. The only dent in this oratory is her bit about “It’s an honor to be kicked out by The Brigade.” No, it’s a symbol of you not paying attention, especially since other now-booted house guests tried to warn you. Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh.

Julie: Enzo, stand and evict somebody.

Enzo: “I’m going to make this short.” Then he proceeds to do the exact opposite, rambling for hours about meaningless crap. In the end, he fingers Britney. She graciously hugs everybody and departs, her designer heels clattering up the three short steps to freedom.

Exit Interview.

Jules: Lots of love and forgiveness at the end. What gives?

Brit: “I truly love them. They are my friends.”

Jules: Why didn’t you believe Ragan?

Brit: I thought I was working with The Brigade.

Jules: Forgive Lane?

Brit: “I really believe he wanted me in the Final Two.” But things happened.

Goodbye videos.

Hayden: “I feel like I betrayed you.” (You did.)

Enzo: “This was very hard.” (Didn’t seem like it.)

Lane: “I’m gonna miss everything about you. I wanted to take you to Final Two, but then Hayden won HOH.”

Britney cries throughout this bit, shedding enough tears to be realistic but not enough to cause mascara complications. Then Julie shoves her off the stage. “The final HOH Competition is coming up!”

Commercials. (Well, in our local weather case, more news reporters talking to rain-soaked citizens “See that there lake right there? That was just a puddle yesterday. Sure was.” Then a cow floats by. They turn and wave.)

Back to Jules, talking to the three remaining boys in the courtyard. As is usual, the final HOH Competition is a three-parter. The winners of the first two parts compete in the final round for HOH. This first part involves the boys riding on little swings that whip from side to side in the yard, slamming the riders into padded walls. Enzo is greatly impressed with this, screaming stupid Meow-Meow phrases of eventual triumph, so I’m guessing he knows all about S&M.

Julie, startled by Enzo’s apparent thrill at being hurled against a wall: “Oh my.”

Commercials again. Did you know that fake butter can change your life?

Jules again: Tomorrow is the conclusion of Part 1. We’ll also see Part 2, live. Then next Wednesday is the two-hour finale! She beams like this is a gift from Heaven.

What, no Sunday show? Then again, Julie’s only here for one hour a week, so she may not be totally clued in. We’ll see.

Back to the live competition. Jules: “Time for a grenade!” A waterfall starts pouring down in the middle of the yard, so the swinging boys have to splash through it as they swing from side to side.

And the three fool boys scream like it’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to them.

God.

Roll end credits.

#166 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 26

2010-09-06T14:26:00.001-05:00

The Announcer Guy does his standard review of the last few episodes. More shots of Ragan running about the house, trying to save himself. Lane in the Diary Room, constantly repeating that he wants to take Britney to the end, but not actually doing anything to make that happen. Glimpses into lots of empty rooms to show that this place is basically a ghost town, with faded memories of hair extensions and mascara. Oh, and the HOH Competition is still going on.

Series of Diary Room confessions.

Hayden, about the HOH Comp: “A lot of glass is gonna break!” (Yep, especially with Britney apparently misunderstanding the directions, and hurling her ornaments across the lawn with wild abandon.)

Enzo: “This is the biggest HOH of the season!” (Perhaps. But you’re still not going to win, right? Because no one would know what to do with themselves if you did.)

Lane, about being unable to compete since he’s outgoing HOH: He’s very frustrated that the other three are so stupid at this game. (Kettle, black?)

Britney, whining: “I’m the outsider! It sucks!” (Uh huh. And where was your sympathy when all those before you fell under the crushing weight of being the outsider? It’s a whole different world when your ability to accessorize is no longer important.)

And we head back to the HOH Competition, where the BB producers have snuck in and built a barrier around Britney, because the flying glass shards from her four billion smashed ornaments could turn this into a “True Blood” episode at any second. After a bit, it gets boring watching fingers poke through chicken wire, so we head back to the Diary Room.

Enzo: I took my time because I wanted to be very accurate. (So that’s what you’re doing now? Reclassifying your suckiness as “accuracy” so that it sounds better?)

Hayden: “In baseball, they teach us about soft hands.” (What the HELL does that mean? That Ragan would be the best at this challenge? That there was hanky panky in the high school locker room disguised as athletic advice?)

Lane, about Britney: “I don’t know what happened in your childhood. Do you hate Christmas?”

Enzo, about the sounds coming from Britney’s booth: “I thought I was in Newark. Glass shattering everywhere.” (Then his eyes get a little misty, as he fondly remembers the good times on a Newark Saturday night.)

Suddenly, we see that Britney is starting to figure things out and catch up, passing Enzo. (Okay, passing Enzo is no big, but still.) There’s actually some excitement building, as Britney’s suddenly nimble fingers start zipping along, racing to catch Hayden. On the sidelines, Lane’s jaw drops open. (Of course, this happens with Lane over many things, like the wind blowing or indoor plumbing.)

But her last-minute efforts are not enough, and Hayden wins HOH.

Britney in the Diary Room: “It’s the first time I’ve felt like no one will help me!” Then her eyes well with glistening tears, but she refuses to allow them to fall, because a wet face in the fashion world is SO not cool.

Enzo, Hayden and Lane, sitting around. Enzo: “We’ve won four competitions in a row!” (No, Enzo, you only won one. Everybody else has won, like, 700 times. You, ONE.) Then Enzo is in the Diary Room, going off about The Brigade being the greatest alliance ever. (What did they feed him as a child? We need to find out, and make sure it doesn’t happen again.)

Shots of Britney in bed, flopping around and looking devastated. Then she’s back in the Diary Room, overwhelmed with her helplessness, and finally the tears start gushing, who cares if it makes rivulets in her multi-layered foundation.

Time to see Hayden’s HOH Room, but instead of the former thundering herd running up the spiral staircase, the tiny quartet is gingerly tiptoeing along, like they’re in a museum. Once in the room, we have the normal fake oohing and ahhing, except for Lane, who is greatly disturbed by something he spies among Hayden’s goodies. (In the Diary Room: “He had girly foo-foo shampoo in his basket!” That is WRONG!)

Scene with Lane jacking around with outdoor grill, trying to get it to start. Britney tries to tell him to quit banging on that igniter, because we could die. (Britney in the Diary Room: “All I want is a simple hot dog, not my flesh to melt.”) Hayden runs to join Lane while Britney quivers at the back door. Suddenly, the thing catches and there’s a small nuclear explosion, luckily contained within the closed lid of the grill. Lane: “That was awesome!”

And this boy child is allowed to drive on our nation’s highways. Feel safe?

After this near-death experience, they traipse back in the house and find that the kitchen table has been replaced with a dinky little thing that barely holds four. They marvel at this, and then, as apparently directed to do so because it seems so staged, they sit down and reflect back on their time in the house. We learn nothing of any interest. Next.

Hayden and Lane, somewhere, reflecting on the final strategies. Hayden: “Nobody’s gonna want me at the end.” Lane begs to differ, and they end up basically promising never-ending devotion no matter what, even though neither one of them really means it. (Lane in the Diary Room: “I’ll say whatever Hayden wants to hear.” Now, how do I get out of this room again?)

Enzo and Hayden, somewhere, discussing performance abilities. Enzo is whining that he never wins anything. Hayden begs to differ, saying “I’ll let you win if you take me to the Final Two.” (At Hayden’s words, the BB producers insert one of those dramatic noises on the soundtrack, so I don’t know if they know something we don’t, or if they’re just messing with us.)

Hayden, Lane and Britney are sitting at the kitchen table, bored. They suddenly spy a giant pig out in the courtyard, and race in that direction to see what’s up, because any activity is better than having to look at each other for one more second. It’s a piggy bank, and it’s time for a Luxury Competition. Each player gets a coin, they take turns hiding their coin in the house, and then everybody searches for the other coins. Your coin gets found, you’re out. Last coin standing wins $10K.

So then we watch the “hiding of the coins” ceremony. The locations of the coins are not important. What is much more interesting is when they all race back in the house to do the search and seizure. These people tear that place UP, knocking over and breaking things, shoes and bras flying through the air.

Enzo finds Hayden’s coin. (Hayden and his air go back outside to pout.)

Britney finds Enzo’s coin. (In the Diary Room, Enzo whines and then bites his knuckle. What was that maneuver? It didn’t look like something a straight guy would do, in case that’s what he’s thinking.)

Britney keeps fiddling with the recycling bin where Lane has stashed his coin. Seriously, she goes through that thing at least 46 times without success, while Lane stands nearby and keeps weakly saying “we’ve already checked that”. Suddenly, she hits pay dirt and celebrates just a little too much over winning the money. (Britney, say this word with me: “Target”. Quit bouncing and calmly go sit down somewhere.)

Now the producers show us some filler scenes, because there’s only so much strategy four people can talk about but they’ve got to round out the hour episode. First we have Britney in the Diary Room, still bored: “Everyone just sleeps all day.” To liven things up, she goes out to the courtyard and starts beating on Hayden with a pillow. (I fully understand the motivation. That hair must die!) This turns into an extended pillow fight, with Enzo getting sucked into the action, and people are running and screaming.

Then we have Britney and Lane in the HOH Room. She’s whining about her beau back home. “I don’t wanna be broken up with!” Lane, who lets us know in the Diary Room that he’s hated Spencer or whatever his name is since he first found out about this love obstruction, tries to trash her intended. “You like girly guys.”

Britney: “I want guys who praise me” and bring me flowers. Lane: “I’m not the mushy kind of guy.” (In the Diary Room, Lane fleshes this out: “Real men will give protection, not flowers.” A date means “going to the bar for a beer and a steak.”)

Nice catch, eh? Something tells me that Lane will unable to keep any woman in his cave for very long.

Hayden and Enzo in the HOH Room. Hayden: “We gotta get Britney out.” Enzo: What about Lane? He’s guaranteed at least the $50K.” Hayden: “Maybe we should get rid of Lane.” Then they run vague strategies, but it’s hard to pay attention because they keep shoving something chewy in their mouths the entire time.

Time for Hayden to make his “Duties as HOH” voiceover speech while he stares at the sparsely-populated House Guest Wall. We see Britney, Lane and Enzo in the Diary Room, but they don’t say anything interesting or new, so we go right to the Nomination Ceremony.

Hayden trots out with the key wheel, which is now bigger than the miniscule kitchen table. Of course, at this point, there’s only the single key, which Hayden promptly pulls out. It’s Enzo’s.

Britney and Lane are on the block. No real surprise.

Hayden’s explanation speech is very short: “Nothing against you. Strategy. Thanks for stopping by.”

Britney in the Diary Room: “I’m gonna win POV! (Do you think Spencer still loves me?)

Lane in the Diary Room: “My best shot is still Britney. I’ve got to win the Veto, save Britney, and send Enzo home.” (Do you think Britney still loves me?)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “If I don’t win Veto, I’m probably going home.” (I love myself, and that’s all that really matters.)

Roll end credits.

#165 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 25

2010-09-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

Editor’s Note: As mentioned with the previous “Big Brother” post, there have been some DVR issues at the house. The following review is actually for last Thursday night’s episode, so there’s obviously been a delay. Luckily, the recording of tonight’s episode was successful, so I should be back on track by morning. Bear with me…

We start off with the standard review of the last few episodes. We have Hayden in the Diary Room babbling that “Public Enemy Number One is now Ragan!” (Seriously, public enemy? You need to branch out with your movie-watching, Hayden.) Another shot of Lane doing that weird thing with his tongue when he carried out the giant nomination wheel. (Who the hell was he looking at when he did it? THAT’S the burning question.) And yet another glimpse of Ragan throwing the CD that bounced off both the singing clam and Enzo’s head. (Still love that.)

The Announcer Guy has a teaser: “We finally get to see the jury house!” (About time.) “And the jury house explodes when Matt reveals his lie!” (Yay! Been waiting for that!)

Cut to Julie with the live studio audience. Shockingly, we see that someone has stolen parts of her dress, right at the shoulders. Poor thing. Anyway, she’s in one of her manic moods, frothing with delight at her revelations. “Will the Brigade lose their second member? Will the Brigade continue to fracture?”

Then we have another showing of Lane replacing Veto-winner Enzo with Hayden, which leads to Diary Room confessions.

Hayden: “That’s not cool, dude.” (Then a bald eagle flies out of his hair and three cameramen are killed.)

Britney: All my subtle breast-flopping with Lane paid off!

Lane: “I couldn’t risk sending Britney home. I want her in the Final Two.” (Then he hears Britney reaching for something on an upper shelf in the kitchen, and he races out of the Diary Room.)

Enzo: “The plan is for Ragan to go, so that’s who is going home.” (Then he does his weird trademark thing of look off to the left, even though we know nobody is standing there.)

Ragan: “I’m not gonna roll over and cry!” (Oh, I’m sorry, he said “die”, not cry. My bad.)

Hayden, Enzo and Lane sitting around. Hayden: “One of us is going to get the money!” Their eyes collectively sparkle with greed and subliminal all-male celebration. Lane in the Diary Room: I still want Britney beside me at the end. “Britney has more enemies in the Jury House than any Brigade member.” (Not really sure about that. Especially, since Matty is now over there, most likely spilling tea.)

Ragan goes to Britney. “Can we have a conversation?” (Ragan in the Diary Room: There are only two votes this time. I’m trying to get hers.) Ragan to Britney: How do you get to the end? What’s the best path. Then he spells it out, that Britney can’t win with the other guys beside her, she only has a chance if it’s Ragan. (Britney in the Diary Room: Ragan has some good points. Judging by what we’re seeing in Britney’s skimpy bathing suit top, so does she.) Britney to Ragan: I’d advise you to go talk to Lane. Now.

Ragan and Lane. Ragan: “Are you here to give away $500K? If you’re up against either of those boys, you lose. The jury always asks what your big move was. This is the week where you can answer that. It’s the move that nobody expects.”

Ragan is very persuasive, especially because he’s being completely honest. Trouble is, he’s talking to Lane, who was not blessed with the ability to think clearly or tie his own shoes. (Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s time for some tough decisions.” Translation: I have to think, and I didn’t go to that school.)

Back to Julie, with the caterwauling live studio audience. We’re about to get our first look at the Jury House! Matt reveals his lie! How will they react! (Um, I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count.)

Boring commercials.

Jules talks to the House Guests. How’d you like those three punishments? (Ragan thought they were pretty swell, especially the dancing, because he feels good when he dances. So he’s going to tap-dance his way out of the house?) Julie to Enzo: The penguin suit. Discuss. Enzo: “I did give the penguin some swagger.” (If, by that, you mean groping yourself at every opportunity, yes, you did.) Julie to Britney: Worst thing about living with just men? Britney: They dirty and nasty! (Brit, have you never met a straight man before? I mean, I know you’re engaged and everything, but you might want to check his references.)

Julie: It’s time to go to the Jury House!

So we first see shots of Rachel, relaxing and enjoying her quiet time, floating in the fancy pool without need of a raft, because she’s got Jupiter and Saturn keeping her afloat. Then Kathy shows up, and the two drag queens hug. (They show us shots of Rachel and Kathy bonding, which mainly consist of Kathy looking terrified that Rachel’s loud braying might kill her.)

Then Matt walks in, and everybody has to pretend that they are excited about this. They watch the DVD that Matt has brought, showing the latest exploits in the house. They continued to pretend that they are excited about this. Finally, Brendon walks in, and Rachel is clearly disappointed, instead of rushing into his loving arms. “I wanted you to win! You should still be there!” Rachel gets around to remembering that she’s supposed to support her partner, and allows Brendon to hug her. He does so with a beatific expression indicating that he has just wrapped his arms around the Madonna. Poor guy.

Cut to Julie in the studio. “Matt’s about to reveal his secret!” (Okay, shut up, girl. Just play the video.)

Back to the Jury House. Matt: “I have another surprise.” My sickly wife? She’s not really. Hee hee. Brendon: “You are going to hell.” Kathy, livid: “There ARE sick people out there. And I’m one of them.” (Which sounds a little odd, but remember, Kathy has been fighting cancer for years.) She stomps off. Rachel: “You are the most horrible person I’ve ever met.”

Didn’t go so well, did it, Matt?

Matt follows Kathy and tries to console her. She wants nothing to do with him. “Have you ever lost someone?” When Matt tries to save himself by saying that he was planning on donating some of his prize money to the disease (that basically doesn’t exist) Kathy, Rachel and Brendon lose it again. Me thinks that Matty is going to be spending a lot of time in his room.

Once again back to Julie in the studio, where she is talking to Lane in the HOH Room.

Julie: “Are you worried about fallout from The Brigade?” Lane: “I trust them 100%. But I couldn’t take the chance that they would send Britney home.” (Which means that you DON’T trust them, Lane. Do you have access to a dictionary?) Julie: “Are you trying to appear less smart than you really are?” Lane: His incoherent babbling thusly proves that, no, there’s no strategy with this. He’s just stupid.

Julie once more, trying to make herself heard over that one woman in the audience who always seems to be there, the one who wails like a fire engine over every single thing that happens. (WHY do they keep asking her back? Is she related to some big shot at CBS? Oh wait, that would be Julie.)

She goes back to the House Guests, huddled in the Couch Room. Time for the Save Me speeches. Ragan: He talks about his dad that passed away, and the importance of family. And that if he has to leave, he’s really excited about making cookies for everyone in the Jury House. Hmmm. First part good, second part, not so. Hayden: I’m just happy to be here. I’m not going to say anything bad about Ragan. But he has plenty of pointless things to say about everything else, rambling on for decades.

We finally get to The Vote.

Not surprisingly, but still a little disappointingly, Enzo and Britney vote for Ragan to leave. He’s going home.

Not that it appears to bother him too much. He seems very excited with what’s about to happen. “I get to meet Julie Chen!” Then he races out the door, pirouetting and such.

Exit interview.

Julie: “You made a compelling argument for keeping you in the last few days. What went wrong?” (Translation: Why are these people such idiots?) Ragan: “That group of four is closer knit. But it was a big mistake on their part.” Julie: “Why didn’t you act on your Brigade suspicions?” (Translation: Dumb-ass, you had your chance and you blew it.) Ragan: Matty wanted to keep them. And I think Matt is a wonderful, genuine, real person. (Translation: I wanted to have his baby, and I wasn’t paying attention.)

In the “goodbye” videos, Enzo actually has the nerve to ask Ragan to vote for him in the end. Figures. Jersey Boys, right? I shafted you but love me anyway.

Time for the HOH Competition.

It’s a Christmas theme. The players have to stand on one side of chicken wire, and then manipulate ornaments on the other side up the chicken wire and place them on a tree. First to fully decorate their tree wins. There are 18 ornaments and a star. We know right away that we are not going to see a winner during the course of this episode.

Britney manages to drop her first three ornaments right away, while quaint Christmas music plays in the background, so her suckage is immediately evident. The cameras do show Enzo and Hayden doing their thing, but there’s a constant distraction of shattered ornament glass from in front of Britney’s area.

We cut to commercial, because Britney’s performance is so sad.

We come back to Julie: “Next Wednesday is a special Eviction Episode!” Oh?

And we end with more shots of the Yuletide festivities in the courtyard. Britney is busting things left and right, Enzo is doing a little better, (I know, right?), and Hayden is in the lead…

Roll end credits.

#164 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 24

2010-09-03T12:16:00.000-05:00

Editor’s Sad and Tragic Note: Yes, I realize that I’m a bit behind with this review. The episode actually aired Wednesday night. Well, let me qualify that. It may have aired, but it wasn’t received in all places. There was an issue.

You see, Terry and I joined our friend Tiffany at 7 Salsas in Coppell, Tx. We laughed, we drank, we made disparaging remarks about our mutual friends that are really on our nerves right now. Mid-festivities, a storm rolled in. Tiffany squealed with delight, because she has a questionable love of atmospheric disturbances. In contrast, Terry and I looked at each other with horror. “Big Brother” was set to record on the DVR, but we live in a part of town where the slightest breeze can disrupt communications with the outside world. We crossed our fingers and ordered another round.

Later that evening, we sallied forth to the home front, and the finger-crossing proved fruitless. The recording of “Big Brother” went splendidly well for the first two minutes. Then we began seeing odd pixilation, with House Guests looking like Picasso paintings. Then the whole episode leapt ahead 35 minutes, evidence of a dead zone where the satellite signal went askance. Well, there was no point in watching just the final moments of the show, especially from a blogging perspective, so we had no choice but to watch the full episode online at a later time.

This meant a delay in both the viewing and the posting. Neither of us can watch such things while at work, so we had to wait until Thursday evening when we both got home. We did our duty, and I took copious notes. Then we raced into the den to watch Thursday’s new episode, only to find that the un-thoughtful local CBS affiliate had decided to run the show on theirs sister station. The DVR is not set up to record from the sister station. Why would we think to record on the sister station? It’s supposed to be on the regular station.

So anyway, we have no idea what happened on tonight’s episode. We don’t know who went home. All we know is what happened Wednesday night. So the following review, already dated and musty, must suffice for now. Please accept my humble regrets and apologies. I’ll review Thursday’s episode as soon as possible.

We start out with the standard review of the last few episodes. The Brigade, populated as it is by the dimmer bulbs in the string of Christmas lights, doesn’t really understand what is going on but is firmly convinced that they have this thing in the bag. Britney still seems to think that she is appearing on her own talk show. And Ragan cries.

Series of Diary Room confessions.

Hayden: “The Brigade is right on schedule! I’m in the final four!” (Dude, anything can happen at this point. You are not in the final four until that fifth person is securely out of the house and playing patty cake with Julie.)

Lane: “It’s time for Ragan to go home.” (That’s right, send home the one guy who has some compassion. Hayden and Enzo are completely unaware that anybody else exists in the planet.)

Enzo: “I don’t understand.” (Of course not. Your self-appointed nickname consists of animal noises. Why would we expect any more out of you?)

Ragan: “I’m the ultimate target!” He then looks sad and wistful.

Ragan and Enzo, somewhere, fussing about being nominated. Ragan continues to be sad and wistful, while Enzo is blustery and outraged. How dare they do this to him? (Easy. You suck.) Ragan in the Diary Room: Enzo’s nomination shows that he is the most expendable. Now I know where to move. Very savvy thought, kudos to Ragan. You might still have a chance if you play your cards exactly right.

Then we learn that Enzo’s week-long confinement to the penguin suit is about up. As the rest of the house claps their hands and screams “Shun!” (obviously some type of inside joke that we’re not privy to), Enzo marches out into the courtyard for the disrobing ceremony. He makes a speech that he thinks is clever and amusing, but it’s really just stupid. Then he tosses the costume aside. The only thing I get out of this experience is wondering if Enzo shaves his chest. Because that sure looks like stubble.

Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s feeling very alone, but he’s not giving up. “I have to study my butt off!” Then we have shots of him memorizing details about the game-play up to this point. And shots of him lifting weights in the courtyard. “I feel like I’m Rocky Balboa!” Not really, Ragan. Totally different thing.

Time for the Veto Competition.

People mosey out to the courtyard, and we have “Otev”, a giant clam that is singing Broadway tunes. (I am not making this up.) In this bit of madness, there are tons of CD’s scattered all over the place. Otev, because he rolls that way, is going to sing songs, with each song being about two houseguests. Once he starts warbling, the players have to race out into the fake jungle and find a CD with a title that combines the two houseguests names. If you pick the wrong CD or you are the last to find a CD, you’re out.

And off we go.

First Song: Ragan is actually the last to find his CD, but it’s the right one. Lane has found the wrong CD, and is the player eliminated. Ragan, surprised, dries his tears and prepares for another round.

Second Song: Hayden is last. He’s gone.

Third Song: Britney is last. She stomps off to the side and calls Oprah, asking her what you should do when the people on your talk show don’t cooperate.

Final Song, with just Enzo and Ragan left, which is interesting since they are the two folks on the block: When they hear the song clues, they both seem to know exactly where the required CD is located, and they thunder in the same direction. But since Ragan weighs about 3 ounces, Enzo slams into him and knocks him through the air, bobby pins flying about. Enzo grabs the right CD and makes it back to the singing clam first. He wins Veto.

Ragan, hearing the news and losing his normal demure demeanor, throws his own CD at the clam. It bounces off and dings Enzo in the head. This amuses me.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “Meow-Meow is starting to play!” (Really? Five people left and NOW you’re starting?)

Later, Enzo tries to go talk to Ragan, who is holed up in the Daybed Room, clutching his pearls. Ragan wants none of it, because you shouldn’t seek conversation with divas who are experiencing personal tragedy, and muttering “Leave me alone!”

Ragan in the Diary Room: “I’m helpless. I’m in the worst possible position.” Then we have several shots of him about the house, looking forlorn and unwashed.

Lane, Enzo and Britney, somewhere. Enzo is very proud of himself for winning, bellowing things about the beast being back in the house. Lane: Your win “just made up for everything!”

No, it didn’t. Enzo won because he knocked somebody down who is smaller than he is. That’s not a triumphant move. That’s an elementary-school-playground flashback.

Quick scene with Britney and Hayden. They are celebrating Enzo’s win like it’s the Second Coming. Britney: Who do you think Lane is going to put up as a replacement. Hayden: Probably me. And that’s fine.

Both of these people are lying.

Britney goes to Lane in the HOH Room. She pleads her case while Lane is preparing to get in the shower. Britney does make some valid points for keeping her, but the rest of us are distracted by the apparent fact that Lane’s pre-shower ritual is very complex. Lots of mystifying steps. Is he really that dirty? Why does he keep stepping into the shower and then back out, without really doing anything?

Enzo and Hayden. They are babbling about actually keeping Ragan for now, and back-dooring Britney to quash her hold on Lane. Oh?

Then we learn about Punishment #2, the second fallout from Lane getting gaga over the money tree in Pandora’s room. For the next 12 hours, the house guests have to use sock puppets whenever they speak. If anyone fails to do this, everyone will be on slop for a week. So then we proceed to several sequences of people holding the sock puppets up whilst they speak.

Of course, we see Ragan lying about the house in various states of swoon, limply waving his puppet about to indicate that he is crying. Then we have Britney, Enzo, and Lane in the HOH Room. Basically they are talking about golf, and the fact that Enzo has no clue on how the game works. Normally boring, but they have to use the sock puppets, which puts a fun spin on things. And then the producers start blurring out Enzo’s puppet every time he cusses.

I rolled. It’s the little things that get me.

Next we have Britney getting fed up with the condition of the house. Apparently, Kathy and Brendon were the only two house guests who even bothered to pick things up. Now the place is a sty. So Britney wheels in a giant garbage can and starts throwing out expired food products in the kitchen. Within seconds, the bin is full. These people are just nasty. And on national TV to boot. There’s simply no shame in the BB house.

And we learn about Punishment #3. For the next 12 hours, any time that the house guests hear music, they have to dance until the music ends. This is actually very funny, with shots of house guests leaping out of bed or bounding out of the hot tub, doing pathetic dance moves every so often. The winner in this mess is Enzo channeling “Saturday Night Fever” while he’s in the shower.

Lane and Hayden in the courtyard. Lane: Are you okay with going up? Hayden: Not necessarily. Lane: I really don’t trust Enzo. Hayden looks at Lane as if both of them just passed gas. (Lane in the Diary Room: He actually figures out that Hayden and Enzo might be trying to angle for Britney going home. I’m stunned. He did this on his own? No cue cards?)

Lane and Britney in the HOH Room, babbling about who should go up on the block. Britney: “You guys might turn on me. You like Hayden better.” Lane looks very confused, but this is normal, so we really don’t pay attention. Britney: “If you take Hayden to the Final Two, he’ll win.” (Very good point. Hayden has some mystical lock on the house guests, apparently based solely on his hair, which is a perfect analogy to the current state of American politics.) Amazingly, Lane seems to be listening to Britney’s very valid points.

Lane in the Diary Room: “I might want to take Britney to the Final Two with me.” Then one of the cameramen, bored, makes a mooing noise, and Lane instantly races off to hog-tie something and throw his hands in the air.

And we have Enzo, staring at the House Guest wall, which is very sparse by now, pretending to decide how he should use his Power of Veto. This is totally bogus, because of COURSE he’s going to use it on himself, but the BB producers insist on the little charade.

Which leads to more Diary Room confessions.

Enzo: “I hope that Lane puts up Britney.” (Then he fondles his jewels. Perhaps someday, in a different context, a clinical doctor can explain to all of us why New Jersey males have an incessant need to grope themselves. Is this why that one governor of theirs resigned?)

Hayden: “Deals could be struck, and I could go home.” (Then he blankly looks off to the side, because he has no idea what he just said. It’s the hair. With follicles that deep, there’s going to be thought-process obstructions.)

Britney: “I can see Hayden and Enzo trying to get me out of the house.” (True. And I can also see Hayden and Enzo standing in unemployment lines in their future. But that’s just me.)

Time for the Veto Ceremony.

Enzo removes himself, natch.

Lane: “I couldn’t ask for better people” to still be here at this point. Yes, you could. I would ask. Repeatedly. “I have mad respect” for the person I am nominating as a replacement.

And he fingers Hayden.

Wow.

Final series of Diary Room confessions.

Hayden: “I will do anything I have to do.” (Because you’ve been SO triumphant with the competitions so far. Good luck with that.)

Britney: “I’m SO excited.” (Then her stylist rushes onstage, because there’s a tiny smidge of foundation that hasn’t been blended well with the rest of her makeup. Production shuts down for three hours while a more pleasing shade of base is air-lifted in.)

Ragan: “There may be fractures” with the Brigade. I need to take advantage of that. (Suddenly rooting for Ragan, despite the tendency for crying and melodramatic poses on various furniture placed about the house.)

Lane: “Maybe my best chance is Britney next to me” in the Final Two. (Then he hears another cow mooing, and his focus is totally destroyed.)

Roll end credits.

#163 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 11

2010-08-30T18:34:00.001-05:00

We start out with something a little different, where they do an “In Memoriam” thing, where we get to see shots of all the people who have died on this show, while pretty, wistful music plays in the background. It’s kind of fun, but I was startled at how many times I went “Who the hell was that? Did I miss an episode?”

Anyway, we get to the real action, with Bill storming into Fangtasia, all huffy because he just got the intergalactic “I’m in trouble again” mind message from Sookie. Pam’s there, all irritated about something, as usual, and she tries lying to Bill. “They’re not here.” Sorry, Trixie, but Bill can smell her in the basement, a lovely aroma of sunshine, baked cookies, and the inability to mind her own business.

So Pam tries another angle. “Maybe she’s afraid of you” and that’s why she’s here. Bill does not want to play, snarling threats at Pam, which basically should be a standard day for her and her negative attitude. Pam snaps back: “I’m not the enemy. There’s a bigger picture.” This leads to a physical tussle, which Bill should easily win, being older and all, but Pammy cheats by whipping out a clever bottle of silver mist and spraying him in the face. He drops to his knees, totally caught off guard by the evil air freshener.

Roll opening credits.

Cut to Sookie, quivering and wild-eyed in the basement, and we see that foreign girl, no idea what her name is but she’s the one that didn’t get squat in Eric’s will, traipsing down the stairs with some bolt-cutters or something. She’s still mad about the inheritance exclusion and is going to set Sookie free just to piss off Eric. She gets to cuttin’ and snippin’.

Upstairs, Pam and Bill are rolling all over the place, with her going all hog-wild with squirting her compact death spray. Furniture gets broken, and somebody’s drink gets knocked over so they are NOT going to be happy when they get back from the bathroom.

Here come the duo from downstairs, with foreign girl whirling a heavy silver chain like it’s a rodeo. She manages to subdue Pam with such, while Sookie hovers around the blinded Bill and chatters endlessly, one of her specialties. During all this, Pam reveals that Sookie was going to be a gift from Eric to Russell, but that might not quite happen since Pam is now strapped to a stripper pole while Bill and The Gift race out the door.

Cut to Lafayette and Jesus, still basking in the afterglow of their acid trip with the V. Jesus thinks the whole thing was a real hoot, and wants to do it again. Laff is not so enthusiastic: “The blood can lie.” Jesus: “Did it feel like a lie? Let’s do it again! I wanna see my people!” Laff tries to talk him out of it. Not a good idea, hooker.

Suddenly, Jesus turns into this snarling gargoyle demon thing and lunges at Laff. Then it’s over, and it’s just Jesus again, smiling seductively. “What?” Laff blinks his heavily-painted eyes, not sure if that was real or a weird flashback. He decides to sleep on the meaning of it all. Alone. He sends Jesus packing. Holla at ya later.

Now we have Jason and Crystal, with her explaining that she’s a “were-panther”. That’s nice. Jason: “You could have given me a heads up.” Crystal gets really defensive really fast, so I guess were-panthers can be manic-depressive. Crystal: “Stop blaming me for things that aren’t my fault!” Jason, apparently not remembering the rest of his lines, runs out the door to look for Sookie instead of learning more about his hairy girlfriend.

Jessica and Hoyt are making out, on what looks like one of Bill’s ancient couches (I bet there’s some serious coinage up in there). Hoyt: “I can’t do nothin’ without you.” Jess: “I missed you so much!” Hoyt: “You saved me!” Jess, not fully understanding romantic wordplay: “I killed a trucker!”

Hoyt: Oh… um… you couldn’t really help it, right? An accident? Jess: Nope. Did it on purpose, I was still learning the trade. But you have to understand this is what I really am. I have to have human blood. I’m not gonna stop. Hoyt spends about three seconds on his response, then: “Drink me.” Girl is ON it, pronto.

Cut to the Jackson Art Museum. Russell is staring at some painting, missing his lost love Talbot while clutching the Waterford urn that contains Talbot’s gooey remains. Eric shows: “You loved him more than anyone.” That’s why he had to die. Russell: “Don’t be obscure.” Eric: Fine, then. A thousand years ago. Vikings. Dead parents. Blah, blah, blah. All because you wanted a crown for your stupid collection.

Russell smiles. “I’m SO excited to kill you.”

Eric: No, we’re even. Let me help you now. Russell: “You can’t possibly comprehend what I’m after.” Then he moves in to snap Eric’s neck or something. Eric: “I can offer you day-walking.” Russell pauses, skeptical. But if it’s really true: “No one could stand against me.” Eric: “If I’m wrong, you can kill me tomorrow.”

Then Eric’s phone rings. (Ring tone: “Aint’ We Got Fun!”) It’s Pam. Thought you might want to know that your parting gift for Russell has parted herself.

Bill and Sookie in the car. He wants to know why she went to Eric. She blows it off, which leads to Bill bringing up trust issues, and Sookie countering the trust issues with not being sure she can believe either one of them. Bill, wanting to save the relationship: Let’s try again. Want to? (Very sweet. But really, let’s cross off “staying alive” on our checklist first, shall we?)

Quick shot of Tara at Eggs’ grave, crying.

Merlotte’s, with Holly and Arlene chatting about the non-abortion abortion that Arlene is seeking. Holly: There’s not a 100% guarantee that it will work. Arlene: I just wanna get it over with.

Suddenly, Sam comes staggering into the bar, totally wasted. He’s all about the drunken hollering and rudeness. Terry tries to calm him down, but Sam responds by calling Terry a “shell-shocked” really bad word. That sets Arlene off, and she tears into Sam. (With Holly in the background, helpfully adding “And you’re polluting our vibes!”) Sam continues with the attitude and the meanness, causing Holly and Arlene to rip off their aprons and storm from the bar. (But not before Holly cryptically tells Arlene “Grab the salt. I forgot mine.”)

Cut to Jason in his truck, leaving a voice message for the non-answering Sookie. Oh look, he just happens to be parked outside the high-school football stadium. Let’s go see what’s up and relive our glory days when we were a star athlete and we didn’t have to be responsible for our lives.

Turns out some of the football team is having a late practice, including that cocky quarterback boy that we can’t stand. He’s throwing the football really hard, knocking people over. One of the passes even sails off into the night sky, never to be seen again. Oh? Jason nods knowingly.

Now we’re at Hoyt’s momma’s house, and there’s a knock on the door. It’s Summer, crying about Hoyt not wanting her baking skills. “I even offered him my virginity!” Mom: “I appreciate that. Even if you broke God’s law.” Summer: “I showed him my best underwear!” Momma, realizing that this is one of the most profound sacrifices a girl can make, hugs Summer. “We are NOT finished.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where Sam is now serving the tables because he’s made everybody mad. Tara strolls in and walks over to Sheriff Andy. “Mind if I sit?” she asks politely, but her expression is making it clear that if she gets any hint of disagreement she will cut. She just sits there and glares at him while he rattles about inane things. Then she finally interrupts him.

Tara: “I know about Eggs.” Then she launches, anger and invective filling the air. “You’re a dirty, dirty cop.”

Andy: “What are you gonna do?”

Tara: “What can I do?”

Andy: “I never wanted to be a hero.” Then he tells the truth about Eggs going crazy with the knife and being in tight with Mary Ann and other tidbits of nastiness that Eggs did. Tara is stunned, her fire suddenly out.

Sam marches up to Tommy: Get out there and “take some orders”. Tommy has no intention of doing so, not his fault if Sam chased everybody off. This turns into a huge fight, with Sam finally firing Tommy and telling him to get out of the rental house. Tommy: “Where am I supposed to go?” Sam: “Don’t care.”

Then Sam marches out into Merlotte’s proper, and orders all the patrons to leave. Tara completely ignores him, sitting at the bar and taking shots from what looks like a five-gallon barrel of tequila.

Bill and Sookie, still zooming down the road in her crappy car, imagining what life would be like if they could do anything they wanted. She wants to be a real estate agent. (Which I guess would make sense. There’s a lot of turnover in this town, what with folks dying all the time.) Bill wants to teach third grade. (Where the hell did THAT come from?)

Speaking of, Russell and Eric suddenly appear in the middle of the road, with Russell slamming his fist on the front hood of the crappy vehicle and causing it to almost flip over, which is kind of neat. Oh boy, change in plans.

Holly and Arlene are in the middle of some field, with Holly pouring a big salt circle and chanting. She’s also waving around a very impressive dagger, so let’s hope it’s for ceremonial purposes and not, you know, killing. While she’s flitting about, Holly compares momma stories with Arlene, and it seems neither one of them had very good relationships.

Holly suddenly blurts out: “You need a decoction!” Arlene and the audience stare at Holly in puzzlement, because that sounds really painful. Turns out it’s just a fancy name for the bubbling brew that Holly as been preparing in between rounds of flinging table condiments. Oh, and we just need one final ingredient. A drop of Arlene’s blood, as a sacrifice. This is SO not like going to Planned Parenthood.

And Holly has some final words as Arlene prepares to drink. “By the way, if a spirit is meant to be born, you can’t stop it.” Great.

Back to the football stadium, where the cocky quarterback is still pushing his team too hard until they get fed up and leave. Jason walks up to him. “You’re on V.” Cocky: Maybe. Jason: “That makes you a liar and a cheater. I’m taking you down.” Cocky: No you’re not. My parents are paying for the V and the principal takes V and has sex. Not worried.

Jason stomps off into the night, disillusioned. I’m wondering where I can get my hands on a brochure for this school.

Cut to Laff’s place, where he suddenly wakes up to find that all the cute little voodoo dolls in the den have turned evil and are having a party.

Over to Fangtasia, where the Sookie-mobile rolls up and the gang piles out. Eric whispers to Bill: “Hit me!” Just do it. Bill does, and they get into a nice hair-pulling rumble. Russell ignores the rough-housing and drags Sookie inside. Once the door closes, Eric says to Bill: “I have a plan.”

Tara and Sam, alone at Merlotte’s. Tara: “What crawled up your butt tonight?” Sam: Hey, you get to show your feelings all the time. Tara schools him on the proper way to retain employees. Sam: “We got nobody.” Tara: “You got me.” This leads to flirting, quickly followed by tonguing, and the next thing you know we got hot and sweaty sex back at Sam’s place.

Quick shot of Tommy breaking into the safe in Sam’s office at Merlotte’s.

Next we have Arlene fishing in some swamp, and we know she don’t mess with dirty stuff so it’s got to be a dream. She hears her momma calling but doesn’t really feel compelled to go see what she’s hollerin’ about. Suddenly, Terry is waking her up back in her own bed. She starts to get out of bed, and then sees that there’s blood everywhere.

Terry starts to call 9-1-1, but she stops him. “I’m okay. But I think we’re losin’ the baby.” When he starts to break down, she soothes him. “We’ll cry later. Can you get me that big box of pads out of the bathroom?”

Jason gets home, and finds Crystal. Jason: “I don’t wanna break up. No one in this town is who they’re supposed to be.” Crystal: That’s swell. Now, can we go stop the drug bust at the meth lab before all my inbred kin get kilt?”

Back to Fangtasia, with Russell ogling the nubile Sookie. “Fairies? Am I a fool?” Eric: “She may be the last of her kind.” Sookie: You ain’t gonna drink from me. I ain’t nobody’s supernatural sunscreen. Bill stops her in mid-screech: “Just do it. He may let you live.”

Sookie’s eyes burn with confusion and raging at hatred towards Bill right at that moment. (Girl really needs to make up her mind about Bill, just sayin’.)

Russell has one condition for Eric about this arrangement: “You go first.” Eric: “Love to.”

Arlene and Terry at the hospital, with her consoling him even though she’s the one being forced to wear a backless gown. The doctor comes in with some interesting news. “The baby’s still on board. He’s one strong little critter.’ Terry turns handsprings. Arelene gulps.

Fangtasia. Sunrise.

Pam and Eric are off to one side. Pam: “Don’t do it. What if it doesn’t work?” Eric: “It will.”

They walk over and join the rest of the happy crowd. Bill’s chained up, Sookie’s chained up and still glaring at Bill, Russell’s thinking of who he can hurt next. He and Eric approach Sookie.

Bill: “Don’t drain her.” Otherwise, no more midnight fairy snacking, ever.

Russell gets impatient, grabs one of Sookie’s arms, and feeds. Eric quickly joins him.

Then Eric walks out the front door and into the sun. He does not burst into flames.

Russell and Pam watch on a security monitor, awed, while Sookie is sprawled on the table behind them, half-dead and not looking very pretty. Bill: “Unchain me! I have to feed Sookie!” They completely ignore him, gazing at the non-flaming Eric, eyes dancing with delight and potential daylight killing sprees.

Eric motions on the monitor for Russell to come out. Then he turns away from security camera, muttering “don’t let them see me”. We realize that his skin is starting to smoke. Uh oh.

Russell babbles some nonsense about manifest destiny, then he walks out the front door as well, almost in rapture at the touch of the sun.

Back inside, Pam is still watching the monitor, blood-tears dripping. Bill screams in the background, still insisting that he be allowed to feed Sookie. Pam couldn’t care less about anyone’s nutritional needs right at the moment.

Back outside, Eric suddenly turns to face Russell. Just as Russell realizes that Eric’s face is burning off, Eric snatches Russell’s arm and handcuffs Russell to his own body.

“Be brave. We’ll die together.”

Roll end credits.

#162 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 23

2010-08-30T11:31:00.001-05:00

We start with the typical review of the last few episodes (Ragan figures out that The Brigade exists and who the members are, Matt runs to tell The Brigade, and they all freak out and can’t concentrate on their weight-lifting, which is probably the most difficult thing they’ve ever encountered in their limited lives). And the Announcer Guy is asking “Who is going to win HOH!?!” Well, how are WE supposed to know that? Aren’t you tight with Julie, even though you apparently don’t have a physical body?

Diary Room confessions, some of which take place during the last hectic episode, where they crammed a full week of activities into one hour, so things get a bit confusing. Just ride the wave:

Hayden, about the surprise HOH Competition on Eviction Night: “I’m all tingly with stress!” Are you sure that’s stress? Because it could be crabs. Did you and Kristen have “the talk” before you played Doctor?

Enzo: “I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer.” Well, good. The first step to recovery is accepting that you have a problem.

Britney: “Matt did it to himself.” Well, we know this. Because his hand is/was always in his pants. But thanks for the news flash. You can go back to your room now and organize your hair dryers.

Then, inexplicably, the BB producers decide to go back through all of the events that we watched in the last episode. Sure, they throw in a few snippets of houseguests plotting in between the frenetic activity, but we don’t really see anything new. This is just lazy.

The single interesting thing, to me, concerns The Brigade members, mainly Hayden, telling Brendon that he’s just a pawn, the target is Ragan. (Hayden confirms this in the Diary Room: He’s fine with Brendon. Ragan should leave. Oh?)

Cut to Enzo in the Diary Room: He’s more than ready for Brendon to leave. “You and Rachel go make ugly babies.” (But I bet they won’t be prematurely bald, Enzo. Just sayin.)

Ragan in the Diary Room: “I have mad respect for Brendon,” making it this far despite all the odds. Then Ragan does a high-kick, which sort of dilutes the impact of his respectful statement.

Anyway, we finally get around to seeing new things.

Britney and Ragan in some room, with a quick confab that one of them has GOT to win HOH. (Britney in the Diary Room: “I’m definitely nervous.” Then she gets very upset with one of her hair curls that didn’t look totally stunning on camera. Ragan in the Diary Room: “I’m certain I’m going up on the block.”)

We have The Brigade in the Swamp Room, being very cocky, because this is all they really know how to do. Hayden: “Back-to-back Brigade wins!” Then he high-fives someone who isn’t really there. Enzo is all about putting Britney and Ragan on the block. Lane is all about not wanting to be a part of this conversation, with a smidge of not wanting to stand too close to Hayden and end up with facial lacerations from Hayden’s out-of-control hair.

Lane in the Diary Room: If I win HOH, I would have to choose between Britney and The Brigade. I hope Enzo wins and has to make that decision. Then Lane high-fives one of his biceps.

Time for the HOH Competition.

Basically, it’s a twisted version of Blackjack, where Hayden shows the players two face cards totaling 21, then the players have to roll balls down this flip-ramp thing and try to make the balls land on the selected cards. You get a total of five tries per round, and the person who sucks the most each round is eliminated.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “I have to win this thing. If you go home now, it’s your own fault.” NOW it’s your own fault? As opposed to the two months before this where you didn’t win a damn thing and you’re still here? What do you not understand about “winning”?

Britney drops out in the first round.

Enzo drops out in the second round.

Lane in the Diary Room: He’s mad because he wanted to throw the competition so he wouldn’t have to decide between Britney and his bottom-shelf buddies.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Enzo is terrible!”

Enzo in the Diary Room: “The more I stay in this house, the more embarrassing it gets.” Exactly. Meow-Meow should have been sent home with some consolation catnip a long time ago.

We get down to the very last ball roll, where Ragan MUST hit the target in order to stay in the game with the surprisingly adept Lane, and they cut to commercials.

Seriously? This episode has totally hit the failblog in keeping my attention.

We finally come back from learning that Viagra can totally improve your life, unless you have a heart attack, check with your doctor. Ragan in the Diary Room: “I’ve got to win!” Lane in the Diary Room: “I’ve got to win!” Hayden in the Diary Room: “Is it possible for me and my hair to get any hotter? Really, touch me, you will sizzle with delight”

And Lane wins HOH.

Lane in the Diary Room: “Now I’m stuck with a difficult decision.” Damn those people from New Jersey who can’t win squat, despite their unshakeable belief that their mere presence in the room is somehow akin to loaves and fishes appearing magically at just the right mass picnic moment.

Britney in the Diary Room: “I am SO happy. This is the best-case scenario.” Because Lane tosses me through the air at random, so surely he’s going to keep me around.

Ragan in the Diary Room: “Of course I’m going up.” Then he drops to his knees and prays to Liza for some form of redemption.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “Blondie’s gotta go up.” And he earned the right to call the shots when?

Brief shot of Ragan sprawled in the Daybed Room, looking anguished and hoping that someone at home is taping all the episodes of “Design Star”.

Lane, Hayden and Britney, sitting somewhere. Lane: “Who wants the pawn spot?” Of course, neither of the other two does, looking everywhere but at Lane. Then Hayden feebly offers: “Enzo?”

The Brigade is such a joke. All three of them would sell each other out to win. Or for a free shot of tequila. Same thing.

Time to see Lane’s HOH digs.

Everyone runs up the spiral staircase, gushing with false love and fake excitement. Once the fawning court is assembled, Lane stupidly explains that his “oil company” job is really not about actual physical labor. It’s more about schmoozing clients with golf-playing and dinner dates.

Cut to Britney and Hayden swinging in the hammock. Britney basically says that, although she thinks Lane is the bee’s knees (He makes me airborne in a totally non-sexual way!), he doesn’t really need the money. Hayden and his hair perk up, sensing an opportunity.

Hayden and Enzo in the Pantry, celebrating their standing in the game, with Hayden hollering “Final Four!” Then Enzo has a moment of angst. “What if Ragan gets POV?” Hayden just kind of stands there, because having to think about too many things at one time is not really his specialty.

Then we have a series of scenes with Enzo, in his penguin outfit, losing his mind while straddling one of the weight benches in the courtyard. It’s supposed to be funny, something about so many days in the house causing temporary insanity, but it really comes across as “are we making up crap, AGAIN, just to fill this hour out?”

Lane wanders into the HOH Room, and there’s that Pandora’s thing again. His teaser video shows “money growing on trees”. There’s over $10K supposedly hanging on said tree. “I’m gonna do it!” He squat-thrusts his way into the special Pandora room for another explanatory note.

It seems that he can pick up to three envelopes off the sparkly tree, but each envelope equals one punishment for the house, including himself. His first pick yields $79, the second offers $12, and the final choice gets him 17 cents. Whoops.

Lane in the Diary Room: Now I have to go downstairs and tell everybody I was a dumb-ass.

So he does. “We’re gonna get three punishments. So sorry.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “For all we know, he WON the $10K.”) Turns out the first punishment is that no silverware or cups are allowed in the house for 1 week. This is followed by shots of sad houseguests drinking cola out of bowls and spreading mayo on their sandwiches with a flapjack flipper. Diary Room whining ensues.

Britney and Lane, discussing. Britney: Who you gonna put up? Lane: Ragan for sure. Maybe Enzo? Britney: Ragan could win the Veto. And it would be more fair to put Hayden up, since Enzo was just on the block. Lane: “I’m not putting Hayden up.”

Oh? Britney has some choice words to share about this statement. So you like Hayden more than you like me? Fine. You are SO not throwing me in the air today. Hate you.

Lane, Hayden and Enzo, sitting around in their Mutual Admiration Society. Enzo: Are you gonna put those two up? Lane: Hey Hayden, wanna go up? It’s been a while. Hayden most definitely does not care for this plan. (In the Diary Room, Hayden: “No way!” Enzo: Lane and Britney have something going on!)

Cut to Lane doing the “who will I nominate” thing, staring at the now-puny Houseguest Wall and scratching his head. This cues more Diary Room business.

Ragan: “I will be shocked if I don’t go up.” (Ragan has said variations on this same line at least 46 times in this episode. Gee, do you think he’s worried?)

Hayden: “The pawn could be anybody!” (Um… duh?)

Enzo: Better not be anybody from The Brigade. (Then he fondles himself through the penguin outfit, thus sending an entire generation of youngsters running to their parents with uncomfortable questions.)

Britney: “I’m gonna be pissed if it’s me.” (Which would then cause you to do… what?)

Lane: “I don’t like hurting people.” (Then don’t win things, Lane. Done.)

Time for the Nomination Ceremony.

Britney’s key is the first one out, which is something of a political statement. The next and final key is Hayden, also a statement, but much more mystifying. This leaves Ragan and Enzo on the block. Lane to Ragan: “It’s all strategy.” Lane to Enzo: “The POV is the real deal.”

And we end back in the Diary Room.

Ragan: “I’m completely by myself in this house.” (Then he whips out his Broadway Cast Recordings collection and searches for a mournful tune that can be warbled on a dimly-lit stage.)

Enzo: “That was such a baby move!” (Then he uses some colorful language that is bleeped. My guess is that he feels Lane does not understand Enzo’s firm belief that he has been anointed by God to save the human race.)

Lane: “Enzo hasn’t won anything. Maybe Britney should stay and YOU should go.” (Then Lane shoves his already overly-large head at the camera, and people in Tokyo scream. Not again!)

Roll end credits.

#161 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 22

2010-08-27T09:37:00.001-05:00

We start out with Julie live, all giddy that tonight is a double eviction and we get to send two houseguests packing. Yay!

Cut to the review of the last few episodes. These things are starting to get a little sparse, since the house is getting pretty small at this point. (By the end of the season, the review will just be two people staring at each other with total hatred.) Anyway, we see shots of The Brigade wanting Matt gone, and Matt running around and plotting against Ragan. Then the Announcer Guy: It’s going to be a double eviction! What, do they think we’ve had a memory lapse since Julie just mentioned that 37 seconds ago?

And here’s Julie again: “Two houseguests will leave tonight!” (Just shoot me in the head, Vern, and get this over with.) “Who will be left standing when the night is through?” Oh, and The Brigade is a secret for now, but that won’t last for long in the Big Brother house. Then Julie grins manically and tosses her hair about.

We have a run of Diary Room confessions.

Matt: “I gotta pull another rabbit out of my hat.” (Sorry, but my mind goes immediately to Matt’s incessant need to shove his hand in his shorts. I have a lot of endearing names for my tackle, but I’ve never called it a rabbit.)

Britney: I was fine with Matt until he threw his friend under the bus. (Gee, I wonder how she’s going to feel when Lane does the same with her?)

Enzo: This is how The Brigade is going to send people home - Matt, Brendon, Britney and Ragan. (Then he gets kind of quiet and tries to remember what he was talking about. You could say that the penguin outfit is throwing him off a bit, but something tells me Enzo was thrown a long time ago.)

Cut to Ragan sprawled out in the daybed room, looking all tragic and pale after learning that Matt is not going to marry him and have children. Britney wanders in, and instinctively nurtures one of her gay acolytes. “If you wanna talk, come find me.”

Matt moseys by the daybed room, and asks Ragan: “You available?” (In another context, I could twist that question around into all kinds of sordid interpretations.) Ragan responds: “Not quite yet.”

Scene with Britney and Matt in the kitchen area, with Britney looking around like she doesn’t understand why the servants haven’t cleaned up the spilled sesame seeds. Matt: “Is Ragan upset?” Britney pretends like she doesn’t really know why Ragan is wallering around on the daybed and sobbing. Matt: Can you talk to him? Because, like, you’re a girl and can understand him better.

Oh, really, Matt? Only a GIRL can understand a gay man? Do you realize that you just lost the support of half of this show’s viewing audience? Oh wait, you’d already lost it. Never mind.

Matt in the Diary Room: He figures out that Britney must have told Ragan that he tried to backstab him. “I’m in big trouble.” Yep.

Still, Matt gives it another shot with Ragan. Stupidly, Matt tries to act like he didn’t “realize” that telling Britney to evict Ragan could be considered “throwing Ragan under the bus”. Then Matt ups the dumb-ass factor by saying that everybody in the house knows that Ragan was campaigning to keep Matt. (Ragan in the Diary Room: I don’t want people to be thinking THAT.)

So Ragan marches out to the courtyard, where the rest of the house is lolling about and waiting for anything of interest to happen. Ragan makes it clear that he is NOT in an alliance with Matt. (Who moseys outside during this, hands in pants, and presumably hears the tale.) Then Enzo, because he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, mumbles something about how the guys had planned to split the vote on the last eviction.

Ragan quickly does the math, considers the variables, and then runs to the Diary Room. “There’s an alliance between Enzo, Matt, Hayden and Lane!” Well, hallelujah. He’s not the first to suspect this, but hopefully he’s the first to actually do something about it.

Ragan is listlessly swinging in the hammock, still swooning with shattered friendships and wondering if he should clutch a calla lily to his chest, when Matt wanders up. “Are you okay?” Ragan: The boys are working together. And you were a part of that. Matt denies such.

Matt in the Diary Room: Wait. Can I flip this around in my favor?

Matt runs to Lane and Hayden. Matt: Ragan knows a LOT. He told me that he’d target you and Lane. Total lie. (Hayden in the Diary Room: How do we know that it wasn’t MATT who told Ragan?)

Scene with Ragan lying on the daybed, running through events in the house and trying to memorize things, strategizing. (Ragan in the Diary Room: “I have to bring this alliance down.”) Fingers crossed.

Cut to Julie, who then informs the assembled houseguests that tonight will be a double elimination. We’ll have a week’s worth of BB in one hour.

Crickets chirp in the Couch Room as most of them have no immediate comprehension of what this means. Britney briefly seems to have a moment of insight, but it may have just been a gas bubble.

Then Julie says that the eviction nominees will give their “save me” speeches now, and the houseguests realize it’s WAY too early in the episode for that, so slight fear shadows their otherwise catatonic faces. Enzo is up first: He says he wants to prove himself and he wants to do things. Vague, right? Then he says he thinks Matty is “a cool dude”. And then he’s unable to stop rambling about pointless things. Julie, grimacing, finally cuts him off.

Matt stands: He promises to keep it short, and then goes on forever as well. (Quick shot of Julie on her communication device, asking why the snipers are not firing from the rooftops. We have commercial break commitments!) Finally, Matt’s obtuse plane lands and we get to the actual voting.

It’s unanimous that Matt is going home.

To his credit, he’s very gracious when he leaves, hugging everybody. He marches out the door to a surprising round of applause from the studio audience. (Maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking that the audience should have pelted him with rotting garbage for his lies about his wife’s non-existent illness. Then again, maybe it’s my bad. I forgot. People don’t have morals any more.)

Exit interview.

Julie: You threw the HOH competition. Why? (See, I still don’t know how we’re supposed to know this, but apparently we are.) Matt: I was too confident. Maybe my worst move. Julie: Why did you remain loyal to The Brigade. Why not out them? Matt: I was gonna ride this week out and see. (Weak answer.) Julie: Why did you throw Ragan under the bus? Matt: I did feel bad about that.

Then Julie shoves Matt off the stage and gets to her next sound bite. “Coming up. The HOH Competition!” Then she beams to show that her dental insurance has been well-spent.

And we go to the competition in the courtyard.

Basically, Julie is going to ask a question. The answer will be two houseguest names. The players have to then jump over this crappy pile of boxes, and then dig in a pen of packing peanuts for little placards that have names. You can only bring one name back to the finish line at a time, and if you bring a wrong name you are eliminated.

The whole thing is over in roughly 12 seconds, with Hayden winning.

Julie gets back on the monitor and tells the houseguests to get their asses back in house pronto, because we’re live and we have things to do.

Then Julie turns back to the cameras and says: “Let’s eavesdrop on the strategy taking place in the house.” This sounds fun and exciting, but the payout leaves a lot to be desired. We see Hayden and Brendon talking. Can’t hear a thing. We see Haden, Lane, Enzo and Brendon talking. Can’t hear a thing. Great. Learned a lot.

Julie summons the underlings to the Couch Room. Hayden, commence with the nominations.

He names Brendon and Ragan.

Then Julie shoos people back out to the courtyard, because we still have things to do and, more importantly, commercials to show.

Power of Veto Competition. This is one of those “Before and After” things where Julie mentions two events in the house and the players have to figure out which came when. Since we’re on a tight schedule, suffice it to say that Julie barks “I need an answer!” several hundred times. Eventually, Ragan wins POV.

Julie, apparently having been informed via her mind-control headset that we’ve still got a bit of time, taunts us again with “Let’s eavesdrop on the strategy in the house!”. This consists entirely of Britney running about and making sure that if she goes up, everybody is going to vote for Matt. She also adjusts a bra strap, if such things are important to you.

POV Ceremony.

Brendon gets to offer up his “save me” speech. It’s fairly stupid. Something about shoes.

Ragan, no speech necessary, removes himself from the block. But he still manages to throw in a “Janelle” reference.

Hayden names Britney as a replacement. No surprise, since the other options are all Brigade members.

And we cut directly to the Eviction Ceremony. (We’re living in the fast lane, people.)

“Save me” speeches, again.

Britney: She’s totally boring, feeling completely secure and not even trying.

Brendon: He’s actually kind of human. “The dysfunction in the house makes us a family.” But it’s too little, way too late.

Brendon is evicted unanimously.

Exit interview.

Julie: Just before the vote, we heard the other guys saying that you were just going to be a pawn on the block. (Um, Julie, no we didn’t. We couldn’t hear a damn thing. Your little minions were censoring everything so that the one small child who is actually watching this show wouldn’t be offended.) Brendon shrugs it off. That’s how it goes. Julie: Do you have no clue of the truth in what was going on? Brendon: Probably not. Julie: Of the people left, who’s playing the best game? Brendon: Britney.

Julie shoves Brendon off the stage, and turns to the cameras. “Let’s eavesdrop on the house and see what they’re thinking!” Because that worked SO well the first two times we did this.

We basically see one continuous shot of the fish tank, which means people are cussing.

That was a wealth of information, Julie. Thanks for that.

Roll end credits.

#160 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 21

2010-08-26T09:43:00.001-05:00

We start off with the standard review of the last few episodes. (Britney completely lying to Brendon about her intentions, Ragan crying about something or another, Enzo finding yet another reason to compliment himself, and Hayden continuing to misunderstand that his jacked-up hair is not sexy in any way.) During this, the Announcer Guy says that Matt intentionally threw the HOH Competition. He did? I’m thinking the BB producers are once again babbling about something we didn’t see on the regular show. (Correct me if I’m wrong.) We end the review with Lane exposing his bicep and screaming “The Beast!”

And a round of Diary Room confessions:

Enzo: He’s still stunned that anyone would nominate him for eviction, despite Britney’s assurances that he’s not the target. “I’m on the block! If I survive, I’m coming after her.” (But that would mean you have to actually win something, Enzo. So I guess Britney is safe.)

Matt - “I’m fine with either one of them going home.” (But he seems to be more fine with Enzo packing his bag.)

Britney: Let me repeat. “Brendon is the target. (Then she rips a chunk of plywood off the wall and uses it for a nail file.)

Brendon: “Britney is definitely going to regret this.” (I guess that Brendon still doesn’t understand that ANYBODY would have put him up.)

Then we have Brendon in the Swamp Room, curled up in a blanket, putting on one of those sleep mask things (so we can’t see him cry? what the hell?) and then praying to Saint Rachel for guidance. Enzo wanders in, and discussion ensues, if you can call it that when two flavors of Neanderthal grunt at one another. Brendon cusses everyone in the house, especially Britney for going back on their agreement. Enzo eats SpaghettiO’s from a can.

Quick scene with Britney and Enzo in the HOH Room. She paints her toenails and promises Enzo that he’s safe. He seems to have just realized that he HAS toenails, and gazes at them in wonder. (Ezno in the Diary Room: I don’t know about Britney and her promises. She had a deal with Brendon, and look where that went.)

Hayden and Lane on the deck in the courtyard, flexing and admiring themselves. Hayden: “Matt thinks he owns this house. He needs to get back-doored.” If he doesn’t go home, he will win this game. Yo, Lane, go talk to your sister.

Lane scampers up to the HOH Room. (Well, scamper is perhaps not the right word for someone who is so muscle-bound that he can barely brush his teeth.) Lane: Got something important to say but you can’t tell anyone. Back-door Matt. Britney: But if I do, and he doesn’t go home, he’ll come after me. (Yep.) Lane: He’s going to put you up anyway. (Lie, Lane doesn’t know this.) Britney counter-offers: No, he’s going to go after one of you guys. Lane: He’s going after couples, like you and me. Now, can I throw you in the air a few times and catch your squirming, supple body?

Britney in the Diary Room: We haven’t even played Veto yet! What’s this back-door talk? These people know that I want Brendon out and they better support me. This makes her want to throw up, of course, because everything eventually does.

Time to pick players for the Veto Competition. (And we do this while Matt is once again laid out on the couch with his hand shoved down the front of his pants. Dude, it’s still there, you don’t have to keep your hand on it.) Britney pulls “Houseguest’s Choice” and fingers Matt. Brendon draws Lane, and Enzo gets Hayden. Which means the entire Brigade is playing Veto. So one would think that one of them would pull this off and keep Brendon on the block. Right?

Well, maybe not. This is one of those things where you start off with a certain amount of points (50), and then you gain points by accepting punishments and lose points for accepting prizes. Whoever has the most points at the end of the temptations will win Veto.

Oh, and nobody gets to find out exactly who took the prizes. Only the punishments will be revealed. Great. We can fully expect some of the people who are not on the block to easily buckle and snap up the prizes, because this always happens. Always.

And off we go. They only let us see certain results in some of the rounds. Suffice it to say that Lane took at least one of the prizes, and Hayden took at least two (gleefully so, I might add). From what I could tell, Britney and Matt don’t take any of the prizes, and Enzo actually takes two of the punishments, big ones, thinking this will put him in the winner’s circle. Trouble is, Brendon basically takes the rest of the punishments.

And he wins Veto.

At the end of the competition, the punishments are doled out. Brendon has to take a certain number of chum baths, he has to be chained for 24 hours to the house guest of his choice (he fingers Britney, much to her shock and dismay), and he gets his head shaved by Ragan. Enzo has to wear a penguin suit for a week and has to give away all of his clothes to charity

Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s not the end of the world.” We can still back-door Matty. Then Lane caresses himself in a startling manner.

Britney in the Diary Room: She’s livid about her supposed partners in the house. “They all walked away with prizes. I’m considering everyone as a replacement nominee!” Then she takes a high-heeled shoe and stabs one of the cameramen out of pure spite.

Cut to Britney and Ragan in the HOH Room. She’s crying and wallering all over the bed. (I guess I should clarify that Britney is the one doing this, while Ragan stands there slightly confused that someone has usurped his designated role in the house.) How could they do this to me? Matt wanders in as Britney is wailing about the Brendon thing. “How can we not get ONE person out?”

Shift to Enzo, Lane, Hayden and Brendon (oh?) sitting around discussing what just happened. Lane actually fesses up to taking the “phone-call-home” prize. Hayden doesn’t say a word, hiding behind his bush hair. Enzo: “So Matty took it ALL!” Hayden continues to hide. Bastard. They send Lane up to see what Britney thinks about all of this.

When Lane arrives in the HOH Room, Britney sends Ragan and Matt out. Then she unleashes on Lane. “You guys don’t know what it’s like to be targeted.” (Um, sweetie, Lane was just on the block. I think he probably has something of an idea.) “I’m in a bad place, and I feel used!” Then Britney flops around on the bed like Scarlett O’Hara digging for turnips in a dusty field and proclaiming that she will never go hungry again.

Lane: “I’m not gonna put you in harm’s way.” (Quickly followed by Lane in the Diary Room: “I will manipulate Britney, if needed. My loyalty is straight with The Brigade.” Really? That same Brigade that Matt is in? Because you’re not being loyal to him.)

Later, Britney wanders up to the HOH Room, fresh from, I don’t know, a Brazilian wax courtesy of Ragan and some Scotch tape. She discovers a Pandora’s box offer. She reviews the teaser video, which is just a giant box with a question mark on it. Hmmm. Then Brit reads an additional clue that her prize would be “one hour of advice with a houseguest from a previous season”. Oh? Well, then. Britney happily agrees to the terms and runs into the Pandora room.

Where she is startled, and then horrified, when Jessie pops out of the box, strutting and preening. Oh, and that one hour of advice? He’s going to give exercise tips so that Britney can look just like him. No game strategy. Just weight-lifting whilst the King of Self-Absorption strikes poses.

Meanwhile, all the guys are downstairs in the courtyard, enjoying a nice luau for one hour while Britney is trapped upstairs, complaining that lifting a two-pound weight is just too hard for girls from Arkansas. She’s finally released from the Jessie torture (his presence alone is deadly, never mind the weight-training) and she rushes to join the luau. But of course it’s over, with the guys belching and patting their bellies.

Brendon and Britney are ordered to the Diary Room, where they are fitted with fuzzy handcuffs, locking them together for 24 hours. Oh, and the BB producers have arranged that Brendon must take his hourly chum baths during this bit of enforced closeness, so they have to deal with that. At one point we see both of them in the Diary Room, chained, with Brendon fessing that the chum baths aren’t really all that bad. While he’s pontificating, we see Britney at his side, mouthing the words “Help. Me.”

That right there was priceless. We had to rewind.

The hourly chum cycle continues all night, with Britney gamely trying to avoid the chum splashing and the subsequent shower rinse. At some point the next day, Ragan finally approaches them with a key and releases the duo. Britney immediately flees across the courtyard, intent on joining a nunnery.

Matt goes up to Britney in the HOH Room. Matt: What’s up? What’s going on? Britney: Well, it’s down to you or Hayden for replacement nominees. (Matt in the Diary Room: Yeah, Ragan’s my friend, but screw it. It’s time for a sacrifice.) So he pushes Britney to put up Ragan. Nice guy, right?

Then Matty leaves the HOH Room and immediately runs to Lane, meeting up in the pantry and throwing out the Ragan angle. “You have got to talk to Britney.” And by the way, can I touch one of your biceps, because damn, they fine. Maybe you should wear my skanky hoodie, it does great with muscles.

Matt dashes to tell Hayden and Enzo the same spiel. Ragan is the Anti-Christ and Linda Blair will show up if we don’t send him home. Hayden and Enzo act like they are totally on board with this plan, but they’re not. (Hayden in the Diary Room, after the Los Angeles zoning commission has given approval for Hayden and his hair to actually remain in the house: “We are going to back-door Matty.”)

Lane meets with Britney in the HOH Room. He spills about Matt’s plan to get Ragan out, but that’s not what The Brigade, I mean “I”, want. Britney: “If you’re playing me for a fool, I will kill you.

Let me insert this: When a girl from Arkansas mentions death as retribution, she ain’t playin’. Take heed.

Hayden and his hair run to Britney, and pushes for Matt to go up. Enzo runs to Britney, and pushes for Matt to go up. He also throws in the bonus plan of swearing that Britney will be in the Final Four. (Really, Enzo? Can you even name those final four right now?)

Britney in the Diary Room: “If Matt would do this to a friend (Ragan),” then what will he do to people who are not his friends. Like me. (Sleep on that, Britney. Sleep hard.)

Britney saunters up to Ragan. Britney: Just wanted to let you know that we’re good. But people have been saying your name. (To her credit, at least at this point, Britney does not say who. ) Ragan: “Why me?” Britney: When your back is against the wall, people do things. (Very fair.) Ragan: I feel like I’m going down the wrong path. And that’s not good for either of us.

Cut to Brendon staring at the Houseguest Wall, and pretending to be troubled about how he is going to use his Power of Veto. (Why do they even do this? If you’re on the block, of course you’re going to save yourself. Unless you’re Evel Dick. Or dumb-ass Marcellus in Season 3. That was just stupid, girl.)

Outside on the deck in the courtyard, which is where everyone is apparently banished while POV winners do their fake quandary with the camera crew inside, we see Ragan mouth to Britney: “Did Matty throw me under the bus?” Britney nods, and then plays with her hair.

POV Ceremony.

Brendon wastes no time in saving himself, then throws it back to Britney.

Britney: “This was a tough decision.” Then she nominates Matt.

Which leads to a final round of Diary Room confessions.

Britney: “I don’t trust Matt. He turned on his best friend.” Fair enough. But your best friend is Lane. And he’s completely lying to you. You seem to realize that something is going on with those four guys. Put down your hand mirror and wake up.

Matt: Astonishingly, he still thinks The Brigade has his back, and that this is all Britney’s doing. Then he fondles his pecs in a disturbing manner.

Enzo: “Britney went with The Brigade plan!” No she didn’t, she has no idea what your plan is. And more importantly, Matt IS smart, whether you like him or not, and he could still pull something off. And by that, Enzo, I don’t mean himself. Dude, you better pack your bag, just in case.

Ragan: “Things have changed. Matt stabbed me in the back.” And if there is one life lesson you need to take away from tonight’s developments, it’s that you should never underestimate the power of a queen who has been scorned.

Roll end credits.

#159 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 10

2010-08-23T19:39:00.001-05:00

We start off with Bill finally letting Sookie know “what she is”. Sookie’s eyes are all aglow with excitement until Bill does the big reveal, then she’s greatly disappointed. “I’m a fairy? How lame!” Bill tries to soften the blow. Well, you also go by lots of other interesting names, none of which I catch. Oh, and she’s not really a full-blooded fairy, being the result of a fairy forcing itself on one of Sookie’s ancestors back in the day. Because fairies apparently like to do that.

Sookie: “So my people are rapists?” Great.

Bill has more news. He’s been to the Sookie Dreamworld Garden and talked to the very excitable Claudine. Seems she and her billowy sisters have been protecting Sookie all this time. And, cautions Bill, we have to be very careful, because most people believe the fairies were wiped out of existence by vampires.

Sookie sighs. Really, people. A fairy?

Roll opening credits.

Jason is having some issues dealing with the aftermath of shooting Franklin, while Tara stands nearby and trembles. Jason has flashbacks to killing Eggs as well as that one weird guy down in the basement back in the day. Then Tara starts barking orders. “I need you to dig!” Jason interprets this to mean dropping on all fours and half-heartedly pawing at the ground like he has a bone to bury. Tara: “Take these clothes and find a place to burn them.” Jason scampers off. Tara then spits on what’s left of the Franklin pie and runs to join Jason in his truck.. They roar away like there’s a sale at Macy’s.

Lafayette, still hauling around beat-up Crystal Daddy, pulls up to his house instead of a hospital. This irritates Jesus. What are you doing? Laff: “It’s twenty miles or more. He’s not going to make it. Help me get him inside.”

Sam’s at his house, pouring Jack Daniels on the hand wounds he got from walloping Crystal Daddy. (What, you own a bar but you can’t afford some hydrogen peroxide?) The smooth, charcoal-mellowed liquid apparently causes Sam to hear voices, and then have a flashback.

2003. A slick-haired Sam (And we don’t want to do that look again. Are you listening stylist people? Not working for me) and some tramp are all happy about some jewels that Sam has apparently stolen while doing his doggie drag. They decide to have sex as a celebration, and he shoves her up against a wall as foreplay.

Then some guy comes in and puts a gun to Sam’s head. I’ll be takin’ them there jewels. It’s a setup, and previously horny girlfriend was in on it, and she now races to gather the booty. As a parting gift, they guy wallops Sam with the gun. As she scurries out the door, the girl pauses to look wistfully at Sam on the floor, so we know that she really did enjoy her time with Lassie, and will probably miss him. Then we flash back to the present, and Sam starts throwing things around.

Sookie and Bill again, and she has more questions. Sookie: Why do people think we were wiped out? Bill: There’s a legend that fairy blood is most delicious. Sookie: Why did excitable Claudine believe you? And wait a minute. Are your feelings for me based on my deliciousness? Bill: At first, maybe. But we grew. And I love you. You brought light back into my life.

Good save, Bill.

Eric and Pam are at Fantasia with some lawyer. It seems that Eric is updating his will to basically leave everything to Pam. This causes Pam to stop around in her designer heels and ask: “WHY?” Eric: “Do the math.” You think Russell is going to let me live?

The lawyer doesn’t care, especially since there’s a “Leave It To Beaver” marathon and he’d really like to get home. We just need two witnesses, and the other one can’t be the person getting the money. So Eric hollers, and some trollop comes marching out. I don’t recall ever seeing her before, but apparently she and Eric have some kind of something going on. She is none too happy about signing papers where she doesn’t get any of the goodies. Eric calls her a whore, which causes Pam to call him a bastard. Love is in the air.

Back to Laff’s house, where he gives some vampire blood to Crystal Daddy, which causes the mean redneck to instantly heal. Crystal is beside herself with joy and resurrection, but Daddy does not know how to show appreciation and thanksgiving. He gets mad that he’s got some vamp blood up in him, and to show his displeasure he slaps Crystal and then stomps away, presumably to NOT attend an anger management class. Crystal, backwoods fool that she is, runs after him.

Lafayetta: “That’s a whole new dimension of trash right there.”

Crystal follows Angry Daddy somewhere into the woods, with Daddy bellowing nastiness and intolerance. Crystal tries to plead some sense into him, until Daddy finally whirls on her. “You CAN’T mix with those people.” You need to get your butt back to Felton and commence with the breeding. Crystal: Can’t do it. Daddy: Then you’re dead to me. He marches off to see if there are any innocent furry animals that he can torture.

Sookie’s house. She’s sawing logs on the couch while Bill is watching that Nan spokes-bitch on TV, defending the vampire race and explaining that Russell is just a tiny little exception. (But really, who’s going to believe anything she says with that severe haircut of hers?) There’s a knock on the door.

It’s Eric. “I know what Sookie is.” Turns out this is some type of code phrase for “hey, let’s go take a walk in the woods”, which they do. Eric: Since you’ve been doing the Sookie Snackin’, you can walk in the sun. Did Sophie Ann tell you that? Is it true? Bill: Meh. Just a few minutes. You still burn. Eric: Well, Sophie’s going to be disappointed. Oh, by the way, I killed Talbot. Bill: Why are you here? Eric: To protect Sookie. And you need to tell her the truth.

Conveniently, Sookie walks up just then, because she can’t stand it when people walk in the woods without her approval. “What truth?” Then she glares at Eric. “And I can’t trust YOU” about anything.

Sookie, dear. If you want to learn things, perhaps you shouldn’t be so bitter with your communication skills. Play nice. Then if you need to, you can kill people later.

Eric: “Do what you want. I won’t be around much longer. I wish you the best.”

Merlotte’s, where that Fellowship of the Sun guy is on TV, pretending to be Christian but really just trashing vampires. Arlene is watching him, agreeing, and getting a little lippy with her anti-vamp commentary. Jessica finally snaps, fangs are bared, and she firmly explains to Arlene that she needs to be a little more tolerant. And that she has a bad dye job.

This confrontation makes Tommy horny, which I guess shouldn’t be surprising. He tags along after Jessica, inquiring about Hoyt’s status. “Why you here with me instead of with him?” Jessica: “He’s too good for me.” Tommy “I’m not.”

Cut to Hoyt and Summer the Biscuit Maker in his truck. She’s noticed that things are a bit distant between them (um, he can’t stand you, is that what you mean?) and she’s decided to fill that void with sex. She starts to wriggle out of her clothes while Hoyt considers taking his own life.

Jason drags Tara to his house, and they find Sookie and Bill there. Sook: “Can we stay?” Little bit of an issue, people hunting us down, blah, blah. Tara, all bitchy: Bill ain’t nuthin but trouble!” Bill: “Fine, I’ll go to ground nearby.” He marches away. When Sook tries to tell Tara what for, Tara stops her. “I want all vampires dead!” Then Tara launches into a long tirade with details about what Franklin did to her while “the man you love didn’t lift a finger.”

Then they hug it out, because nothing brings people closer together than comparing vampire experiences. Meanwhile, Bill is talking to Jason out back. Bill: “You got a gun? The werewolves are fast.” Jason: “I’ll take care of her.” Which is nice and all, but it’s Jason. Something is going to go terribly wrong, soon. And he’s going to have sex. Those are the two constants with young Mr. Stackhouse.

Back to Lafayette’s house, where Laff finds Jesus sniffing a vial of vampire blood. Jesus: “This is magic. You ever do it? I wanna do it with you.” Laff: Hold up. That stuff is whack. Different things happen at different times. Jesus: “You’re safe with me.” Then they talk briefly about being shamans. (When did THAT happen?) Then Jesus feeds them both a drop. Oh boy.

Merlotte’s again, TV is still on, and a reporter is letting us know that they raided Russell’s plantation but didn’t find a damn thing. Sam comes in, and the staff is a little jumpy about this development, because the last time the boss was in the house he tore up that Crystal Daddy man with a bit more savagery than anyone expected.

New waitress Holly (aka newly-hired therapist for the entire town) approaches Bill with a baggie. “This is black kohash” (or something like that) “and it will help you control your testosterone. I’m a wiccan.” Sam glares at her for a second, then basically tells her to go to hell and mind her own business, proving that he just might need that kohash after all.

As Sam stomps away, Tommy throws this out: “I was proud of you last night. “ Sam throws back: “You’re an idiot.”

Terry is out back, smoking, when Arlene comes traipsing out the back door with a sack of trash. She bursts into tears, he tries to comfort her, and she finally fesses: “This baby ain’t yours! It’s Renee’s. It’s evil and I want to get rid of it.” Terry: “No! I will raise that child as my own. We will surround that baby with love.” Which is really sweet and all, but dude. Are you not paying attention to everything else going on around you? Might want to really consider this spawn of Satan thing.

Jason and Sookie, with him upset and trying to talk about killing Franklin. Sookie tries to counsel him, which causes Jason to blurt: “I killed Eggs! Andy said it was him before I could think.” Sookie takes a step back, and she gets that flash in her eye which means she’s about to make an ultimatum. “Tara’s gotta know! People always find out.” Jason sighs.

Next we have Jesus and Lafayette, trippin’ on da V, yo. They go through a doorway and find themselves in a giant temple, where a woman with a green ring is making tortillas. Jesus knows her, something about she saved many people from evil. Then we’re in a courtyard, with another woman breaking a raw egg over someone’s belly. And we have an underground tunnel thing where there are skulls and goats and a creepy man who seems very displeased as he chants and curses. Very surreal and weird.

Bottom line, Lafayette’s great-grandmother (or some such) was some kind of priestess, and Jesus’ grandfather practiced the black arts and had big plans for Jesus, but his momma took him on the run. At least I think that’s what we learned. I really don’t know. But I do know that I won’t be taking any V. No sir. I don’t want to KNOW what my ancestors might have done. Although I suspect one of them must have had sex with a fairy.

Sookie wakes up and Eric is there. Sook: “I know this is a dream. I’m getting tired of dreaming about you.” Eric, as they kiss passionately, “I know you like it. Oh, and don’t trust Bill.” Sookie wakes for real.

Jason is starting at her. “You okay?” Yeah, she’s fine. So Jason takes a breakfast tray into Tara’s room. He starts to talk to her about the Eggs thing, but can’t just yet. Tara, thinking this is about Franklin: “It’s okay. You saved my life.” Jason tries again, but he’s not making any sense. It’s Jason. Tara: “You’re a good person. I can count on you.” They hug. Then they kiss. Then they really kiss, tongues and all that. Uh oh.

Tara breaks it off and starts to run away. Jason grabs her arm. “I shot Eggs!” Tara flees into the night. Well, at least to another part of the house. Jason tries to follow, then realizes that Sookie is gone. But she thoughtfully left a note, so we know that at least the first part of her journey was voluntary.

Bill’s house, with Jessica wandering about. Suddenly there’s lots of hollerin’, and she spies a cross burning on the lawn and graffiti painted on the house. Seems some folks aren’t too happy with vampires right now. Bill shows up, and Jessica wants to track down the people who did this, but Bill stops her.

Sam’s sitting somewhere, drinking in the dark, and he has another flashback. (Have you not connected the dots here, Sam? Don’t drink. The flashbacks won’t happen.) Anyway, in this one, we’re at a campground with the couple that rudely took the jewels that Sam took from somebody else. Sam approaches in his doggy attire, then transitions back and nakedly grabs the man’s gun and aims it at him. “Give me the money.”

The girl scurries to get the booty out of a truck, but she’s taking forever. The guy gets bored and starts taunting Sam about being a Transformer. Sam doesn’t take kindly to that, and wallops the hell out of the guy. The girl runs around the corner of the truck and shoots at Sam. Sam turns and shoots the girl. She dies and he gets all angsty. Flash back to the present, with Sam sitting there and looking like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” just before he discovered that you can redecorate using a common household axe.

Fangtasia, with Sookie and Eric sitting in his office. Sook: “Why are you saying that you’re not going to be around much longer?” Eric: “Don’t pretend that you care. But I do want to kiss you.” Sook: “Sounds like goodbye.” Eric: “It is.”

And we go right into some heavy kissing. I guess Sookie doesn’t mind spontaneous slap and tickle if she knows that her partner is about to be annihilated and there won’t be any embarrassing “morning after” awkwardness. But she breaks the spit-swapping for another question. “Tell me why I shouldn’t trust Bill.”

And that damn Pam chooses this moment to bang through the door. We have a situation. Out here. Eric follows Pam’s sashaying couture to the other room. Sookie stays and compares the various flavors or vampire tongue she’s had lately.

Pam: “Just give Sookie to Russell.” Eric: “No! Stay out of this.” Pam: “I can’t believe you’re choosing a human over yourself. If you’re not going to give her, then figure out how to use her.”

Cut to some street corner, where an obvious male hustler has just pulled out a cigarette. Russell approaches and holds out a light. “You have someplace we can go?”

Quick scene at Merlotte’s. Arlene to Holly: Wanna tell me about those other ways of not being pregnant? Holly nods.

Cut to Jessica looking sad. Hoyt walks in. Hoyt: “I love you and I want to marry you.” Jessica: “That’s silly.” Hoyt: There’s no reason not to. Jessica: I’ve done bad things. Hoyt: If you don’t love me, that’s one thing. Tell me you don’t. Jessica doesn’t tell him anything. So Hoyt stomps out and down the steps, where Tommy tries to tease Hoyt about the situation. Hoyt knocks Tommy to the ground with one punch. (Yay!)

Well, Tommy’s not too keen on that. He transitions to his pit bull persona, and then attacks Hoyt. It’s bad, blood spurting. Jessica runs up, and easily tosses Tommy three counties over. She kneels over the possibly fatally-injured Hoyt. “I love you, too. Now drink my blood.” Tommy watches from the bitter shadows.

Jason comes home, and Bill is there. Bill: WHERE is Sookie? Can you not do ANYTHING right? Jason: I tried! But Sookie does what she wants to do. Bill gets carried away, overly angry and derogatory. Jason commands him out of the house (“Sookie told me how.”) and Bill is forced outside, unable to return. Jason hears a noise, heads to his bedroom, and finds a blank panther. The big kitty turns into Crystal. Well, then. We knew it was coming, we just didn’t know how it was going to come.

Next we have Russell and the male hooker, post-coital. Russell is talking to the guy as if he was Talbot, so we know this isn’t going to end right. The hooker tries to leave, but Russell pulls him back, angering the boy toy. (“I told you it’s an extra 500 to bite me!”) Russell continues with his ode to Talbot and their life, and his words just get weirder. Then, holy cow, Russell whips out a stake and ends the hustler’s career, blood galore. Russell snuggles up to the body and continues talking. “So glad we had our chance to say goodbye.“

Hoo boy, that’s some messed-up action there.

Quick shot of Bill walking around outside a house, probably Sookie’s, might be his, it’s too dark.

Final scene at Fangtasia, where Eric suddenly grabs Sookie and drags her screaming to the basement. (We see Bill sensing her discomfort.) Eric chains Sookie up to that same metal pole thing where Laff, Pam and the Magister have spent some quality time.

Close-up of Sookie hollering Eric’s name. She MAD.

Roll end credits.

#158 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 20

2010-08-23T10:03:00.001-05:00

As usual, we start with scenes from the last few episodes (there are shoes all over the house because these people are pigs, Matt loves to perform hand gestures for the cameras, and Britney did something new with her hair, resulting in golden, curly locks that will melt with the first rain drop). Then the Announcer Guy proclaims that we have GOT to watch the show tonight, because “the cracks in The Brigade widen!”

Good, ready for that.

And a series of Diary Room confessions:

Brendon: “Matty’s gonna call me a big dummy? I’m WAY more intelligent than he is.” (I guess I missed that episode. When did you do something smart, Brenchel?)

Hayden: “We had JUST told Matty” that we were kicking his ass out. (Oh?)

Cue a scene two hours before the Eviction Ceremony, with Hayden and Enzo traipsing up to Matt and giving him the scoop. Or trying to. Enzo hems and haws and basically doesn’t say anything worthwhile, choosing instead to marvel at the way his shirt looks. It’s Hayden that drops the bomb. “Dude, you goin’ home.”

Back to the Diary Room.

Matt: “I’m not important? I GOT you where you are.” (Well, this is true. The other three members of The Brigade have redefined the word “worthlessness” in the dictionary. Webster is on the phone as we speak.)

Brendon, about the Diamond Head Power of Veto busines: “I cannot believe what just happened!” (Um, like you actually believe that Rachel is not a man?)

Ragan: I’ve spent the last two weeks crying, and then BOOM, my best friend is staying in the house! (Poor Ragan. So many issues, so little emotional control.)

Matt: “They cannot get me out!” (Let’s not get too excited, Matty. You’ve used your special super power, and you’re not HOH. Oh, and somebody’s going to figure out that you tell everybody exactly what they want to hear. Just sayin.)

Lane: “Kathy, you just didn’t belong. But thanks for doing my laundry.” (Say, those Texas men aren’t chauvinistic at all, are they?)

Enzo: “I’m a little bit worried about going up.” (Really? Why is that? Oh, that’s right. Because you’re worthless. See above entry about Webster.)

Brendon: “Nobody can trust Matt.” (Like they can FULLY trust you to actually do something that’s not intended to prove your mystifying love for Rachel, right?)

Quick scene with Matt and Ragan hugging after Matt saved himself. Then they promptly scurry to other parts of the house, Ragan all giddy about getting to touch Matt, and Matt all confused about why he actually liked the embrace so much. But then Matt notices that his pecs aren‘t being properly displayed and concerns himself with that.

Britney in the Diary Room, waving her HOH key around like a weed whacker: “I have all the power. Yayyy!” (Girl, talk to me in a few hours when you actually have to put people on the block. Everybody LUVS being HOH until they have to make an actual decision.)

Lane in the Diary Room: “I’m NOT going on the block!” (Then someone on the camera crew barks “Raisin Bran!” and Lane’s eyes fill with fear, because there might be a test and he’s not really good with questions.)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “There could be trouble with me.” (That’s not really a clear statement, Hello Kitty, but we’ll just assume that you are still concerned with going home. Or that your parole officer might call the BB producers.)

Enzo marches into the little bathroom area, conveniently designed so that we can get tantalizing glimpses of people hopping in and out of the shower. Lane’s there, marveling at the indoor plumbing. Enzo is freaking out a bit, and sharing this with “one thought at a time, please” Lane. I might go home, whines Morris the Cat. Lane tosses him a kitty treat. Maybe Britney will put Hayden up instead.

See, these Brigade people? They’ll sell one another out in a heartbeat. That’s a nice, tight team right there. Uh huh.

Britney and Ragan, somewhere, thrilled that they can now get Brendon out and Matt is still here. Ragan thinks he’s Gloria Swanson, and clutches at his face dramatically while doing ballet movements across the room. Please. Can I make my eighty-first request for an actual butch gay man on this show?

Matt, Lane and Hayden, somewhere, with Lane and Hayden acting like they are now Matty’s best friends. Of course he’s not buying it. (Matt in the Diary Room: “I’m VERY suspicious.)

Then Britney gets to show off her new HOH Room. The usual brown-nosing occurs, but we do get to see a pic of Britney wearing a crown and looking like she’s very dissatisfied with what the servants did with the rose garden. It’s creepy. Then we get to see photos of “Nick”, her supposed fiance, or arranged partner, or cousin, something. She’s previously sold him as incredibly hawt and desirable. He’s not. The other houseguests knock each other down trying to get to the Diary Room, where they verify the non-hotness of Nasty Nick.

Enzo and Matty, with Enzo trying to wiggle out of picking Lane over Matt. (Enzo in the Diary Room: “I’m trying to reel him back in.” And where does that fishing line go? To you? Oh. The person who can’t do squat. Good luck with that.) (Matt in the Diary Room: “I am DONE with Enzo.”)

Ragan, Britney and Matt are celebrating in the hammock, thrilled that Brendon will now be going home. Britney: “We’re in a happy place!” Then she gets sad. “We don’t have a pawn.” Matt: “Hey, there’s this guy named Enzo? He’s never been on the block…”

Enzo, Lane, Hayden and Matt are once again working out in the courtyard together, doing such a good job of hiding their alliance. Suddenly, Lane decides that he wants to put every weight ring for miles around on his bench-press pole. People scurry about doing such. Cut to Lane in the Diary Room: When I’m trying to push myself during a workout, “I go straight to gorilla.” Then he reenacts Godzilla (maybe he’s confusing the two words) attacking Tokyo. Right there in the Diary Room. That boy is just wrong.

Britney, Matt and Lane are lounging about in their bedroom, apparently during the wee hours because the night-vision cameras are on. Matt fesses up to having a dream about a shirtless Hayden joining his family. (I think he’s kidding, but in the Diary Room Matt says he’s not.) Lane is stunned. “Did you tell him to put on a shirt?” (Lane in the Diary Room: “Back in Texas, even if you HAVE this dream, you do NOT tell anyone.)

Brendon runs to chat with Britney in the HOH Room. Brendon: “Are you gonna go back on our deal?” Britney, because everything she’s ever said to Brendon has been a lie, continues this tradition. Brendon: “I’m gonna win HOH, and if you put me up, I’m coming after you.” (Brendon, dude, you have to be IN the house to win HOH. Hello?) Brendon: And, oh, by the way, Matt and Ragan wanted me to put you up last week. (Britney in the Diary Room: If that’s true, I’m going to be MAD. Then she stomps her delicate, royal foot and berates a servant who was too slow bringing her a cucumber sandwich.)

Then it’s time for the Have/Have-Not competition, and this thing goes on for so long that I almost call my therapist. Basically, there are two teams of three. In each round, the teams take turns stepping up to the bar, ordering a round of shots, and then drinking them. (Non-alcoholic, by the way. The good drinks are saved for “Big Brother After Dark”.) Two of the shots are tasty, the third is nasty. The OTHER team has to decide who got the skanky shot based on their facial expressions. You get a point if you ding the right person.

Well, right away both teams realize that everyone should just act repulsed by whatever they put in their mouths, and let the chips fall. Of course, Ragan equates “act repulsed” with “over-act like Liza Minnelli at one of her sham weddings”. He queens it up to such a degree that I finally understand why people shoot at cars on the freeway.

Anyway, in the end, Matt, Ragan and Lane win, making Hayden, Brendon and Enzo the “Have-Not’s”. Everybody troops inside to discover that America has voted that the slop people can have an extra snack of broccoli and bean dip. Enzo immediately makes disparaging remarks about the bean dip. From my own experience, I can honestly say that bean dip and a mammoth bag of Fritos have gotten me through many difficult times. People roll in different ways, right?

Britney and Matt in the HOH Room. Britney: “What should I do?” (Girl, why do you keep taking these polls? Do you work for Gallup?) Matt: “Enzo!” (Britney in the Diary Room: “Well, I like Enzo, but it does sound fair for me to nominate him”, never having been on the block and all.) Britney to Matt: “Can you help me write my speech?” Matt: Speech? Dude, what’s the big deal? Just say he’s never been on the block. Done.

Ragan, Britney, Lane and Matt are hanging at the hammock. Suddenly, a career-challenged moth flutters up, and Ragan and Britney act like the devil wants their souls. They scream and run about in mortal terror. (Lane in the Diary Room: With the way they were acting, I thought there had to have been “gunfire or a dinosaur”.)

A dinosaur? Lane, man, what happened to you? Words fail me.

Lane, Enzo and Hayden, sitting around and pretending that they don’t like each other’s muscles. Enzo: Matty’s playing us. He’s not looking after The Brigade, he’s looking after himself. (Oh, like the three of you weren’t ready to sell him out with the last eviction? Well, to be fair, Lane was on the block and didn’t really have a vote. And to be even more fair, Lane has no clue what’s going on. He’s still starry-eyed about the rumored invention of toilet paper.)

Britney, taking a break from deciding what her next outfit might be, runs downstairs and asks Hayden, Enzo and Lane to join her in the HOH Room. Britney: “Who does the house want out?” Well, Brendon is the primary, natch, but for that second seat, how about Matt? Britney: But if I put Matt up, he’ll do stuff to make me unhappy and I won’t feel like singing songs about myself. All three: Tell him he’s a pawn. Britney, sighing, because this nominating mess is really a lot of work, taking away from her self-love time: Okay, I’ll talk to him.

Britney drags Matt to the Pantry Room. Brit: “What should I do?” (Oh, good GOD, girl. Can you seriously not make a decision on your own?) Matt: “Enzo!” Britney: “But you’re the BEST to win Veto!” Matt: “Don’t put me up as a pawn.” I will cut you.

Britney in the Diary Room: “I don’t know what to do!”

Matt in the Diary Room: “How about we don’t put ME up, Britney?”

Standard scene with Britney staring at the Houseguest Wall and acting like she’s tormented about what to do. She gives her “one of my duties” speech, which is pretty stupid, we all know what she has to do. I seriously don’t understand why the BB producers make them say this every time. We get it. “Your duty” is to put two people up. Check.

Brendon in the Diary Room: “I will send her home if she puts me up.” (Again, you can’t do squat if you’ve been evicted. Did you not get my memo?)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “For Britney’s sake, she better not put me up.” Then he raises up his shirt and shows off his less-than-stellar abs. It’s a trademark move with him, but means nothing. This man REALLY enjoys his own body.

Britney in the Diary Room: “This is SO difficult. If I put two people up, one of them is going to stay and they’re going to be mad at me.” (Okay, I’ll ask it for the four-thousandth time. Have you NOT WATCHED the show? This is how it works. Why are you surprised about that extra person not being happy?)

Time for the Nomination Ceremony.

Britney lugs in the wheel o’ keys, and it’s bigger than she is. No one offers to help her anemic body carry and place the thing, proof that chivalry really is dead. People pull things, and it turns out that Brendon and Enzo are on the block.

Britney to Enzo: You’re the only person who has not been on the block. In no way is this an attack on you.

Britney to Brendon: You came after me last week.

And that’s actually not right. Brendon in the Diary Room: I wasn’t even coming for you. (But it doesn’t really matter, Brendon, because these people don’t like you.)

Matt in the Diary Room: I’m fine either way. Have you seen my pecs lately?

Britney in the Diary Room: We’ll see what happens after the Veto Competition. Does anybody know where my servants ran off to?

Enzo in the Diary Room: This is MY game. Britney don’t know what she doin’. (Really? Your game? If by “your game” you mean “I can do nothing and still win”, then maybe. But let’s throw in that “reality” business. You might want to pack your catnip.)

Roll end credits.

#157 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 19

2010-08-20T09:14:00.000-05:00

And, Julie’s here, wearing a nice k.d. lang-tribute pantsuit and enough necklaces that she should easily be able to hog-tie something at a rodeo. She’s brimming with news and irritating energy. “Matt has the Diamond Power of Veto and he’s going to need it! Get ready for the biggest night of blindsides the game has ever seen! I clearly had several glasses of wine before tonight’s broadcast and I can’t stop grinning!”

Quick review of the last episode (Ragan cries, The Brigade continues to not really know what they are doing, Rachel terrorizes the planet and still doesn’t understand why nobody wants to exchange friendship bracelets, Kathy falls off the balance beam, this time a real one) and then Announcer Guy also babbles about the Diamond Power of Veto.

Time for us to just use that Power of Madonna Veto thing. Getting a wee bit tired of hearing about it. Sayin.

Julie again. Guess what she talks about? Yep.

Oh, and she also warns us that you can never underestimate the power of the pretzel. (Did this just become a cooking show?) But I assume she’s talking about Rachel’s snack message. (Really, Rachel, you couldn’t find a piece of paper and a pen somewhere in that house?)

We start the new stuff right after Brendon puts Matt on the block as a replacement. (Matt’s hoodie is zipped up and not showing his chest for once, so I guess that’s his way of appearing sad even though we all know he’s got that Diamond Shaft somewhere handy.) So of course everybody runs to the Diary Room.

Lane: “It sucks! Matt is the enemy.” (My head might be big but it’s totally empty! Yay!)

Brendon: “When Matt walks through the door of the jury house, Rachel is going to know that I love her.” (Okay, that’s it, I’ve run out of words to show my astonishment at Brendon’s blind devotion to a really bad drag queen.)

Matt: “I have the Diamond Power of Veto!” (Really? OMG! Who knew?) “I can pull myself off!” (Oh my.) “And name the replacement!”

Enzo: What is this room for? Oh yeah. “I trust Lane more than Matty.”

Ragan, alone in the Swamp Room, feeling blue about Matt maybe going home, especially because his wife has that non-existent bone disease, makes himself hold back the tears. “I’m crying too much!” Yes, you are, Rachel.

Ragan and Matt on the deck in the courtyard, with Ragan saying “you HAVE to stay!” Matt plays up the sadness about his situation. (Matt in the Diary Room: “I can’t say anything. Poor guy.”) Matt also picks slop out of his teeth, which was a treasure to watch. Then he winks at the camera.

Matt, Hayden and Enzo in the Pantry Room. (Nobody fondles any fruit this time, in case you are keeping track of such things.) Matt: Would you guys tell me if you’re going against me on Thursday? Hayden and Enzo: Oh yeah, sure. We tight.

Matt in the Diary Room: Having the Diamond Ring is kind of fun because it lets me find out things. If I see that Hayden and Enzo vote against me, I might just find a new alliance. (Dude, I have been saying this since Day 3. Why aren’t you taking my messages? Do you have me blocked?)

Hayden tells Matt about Rachel getting creative with the food in the HOH Room and spelling out Matt’s name. Matt: How do you know? Hayden (looking like a total bum whacked out on Strawberry Hill): Kathy told us. This makes Matty mad. Why didn’t Kathy tell ME! Total betrayal! Replacement nominee?

Lane, Hayden and Enzo meet near the swimming pool, with Lane floating around like he’s not sure how he got in the water, Hayden picking at his toes, and Meow-Meow looking around for his litter box. Lane: Matty talked to you yet? Enzo: We’re not voting for him. We’re voting for you. Then Enzo coughs up a hairball.

Lane in the Diary Room: I only need three votes. I’ve got Hayden and Enzo, and I think I can get Britney. Because she likes it when I make her airborne.

Matt and Enzo in the Swamp Room, listening to the faded echoes of Ragan crying all the time. Matt pushes for Enzo’s vote, using the fake wife illness again. Enzo’s a little squirmy, and Matt notices this. Probably because Matt is lying where he can look up Enzo’s shorts.

Matt in the Diary Room: What Enzo is basically saying is “Can I kick you out of the house and make sure you still vote for me in the end? I may put Enzo up as a replacement nominee.

Jules again: Ragan’s final Saboteur thingy could be the difference between who stays and who goes.

Oh?

Ragan is called to the Diary Room so he can pick his next secret bit of deviltry. He decides on leaving a note in the house that says “I know your secret.” A bit later, he slips the note under Enzo’s pillow. He finds it and shows it to Kathy, who is sleeping in a nearby bed with a monkey. (Apparently it’s really hard to find good men after 40.)

Enzo runs out and gathers up Hayden, Lane, Ragan, Britney and Matty. (He says “Yo, the Saboteur struck!” enough times that I want to join Britney in her constant urge to hurl.) They all pile into the daybed room, and Enzo holds court. He’s kind of suspicious that Kathy made his bed, an obvious sign of evil.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “The sherrif is the Saboteur. Give me a Scooby snack.”

Back to the daybed room, where now they are all thinking of sure signs that Kathy is the Saboteur. She makes beds. She throws competitions. She wears mascara. It’s got to be her.

Matt in the Diary Room: He’s thrilled with this talk about Kathy, because if he puts her up when he uses the Cubic Zirconia Power of Veto, they will be happy it’s her.

Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s thrilled that no one suspects HIM of being the Saboteur. And that the Lifetime Channel was invented. I’m $20,000 richer.

Jules talks to the houseguests. To Britney: How’d you like Rachel coming back? It was crazy! To Ragan: Any regrets about getting into it with jury-member Rachel? Nope. To Lane: If you could have your mother send you one thing? Muscle milk. (What the hell?) This scares Julie and she moves on.

She takes a vote. Who believes the Saboteur is still in the house? Everybody raises their hands. Jules: I can guarantee that the Saboteur is sitting among you at this very moment. But their reign of terror is officially over. Back in a bit!

Commercials. Are you depressed? Take pills.

Jules: Lane and Britney’s flirtations have their small hometowns buzzing. Then we get to meet lots of country folk. And see Britney ride on Lane’s back while he does pushups. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Time to Vote.

Julie asks the nominees to do their “save me” thing. Matt first.

Well, then, it’s finally time for the Diamond Anniversary Veto. Matt slams Brendon, calls him a big dummy, and then whips out his special treasure. Sadly, right at this triumphant moment, the stupid fake diamond ring falls off the cheap-ass ribbon. (That sound you hear is somebody in the BB prop department being fired.) But anyway, he uses it, and Julie confirms the authenticity of the broken veto. She tells the folks that he got it for opening Pandora’s box, and now he gets to name a replacement.

Using my special jaw-dropping measurement device, I’ll tag Britney as the most surprised. Brendon just sits there and doesn’t seem to quite understand what is going on.

Matt nominates Kathy. (That sound you hear is a wimp not using a great opportunity.)

Julie now asks for the “save me” speeches AGAIN.

Lane: You are my second family. I have nothing bad to say about Kathy. Good luck.

Kathy: I love everybody. I kept my integrity. I’m not going to lie, cheat or steal. If that gets me kicked out, so be it.

And we vote. Almost everybody is screaming and jumping as they do so, thrilled to vote for Kathy. It’s unanimous.

Julie breaks the news. Kathy is very gracious (“Be good to each other”) and then has to tromp out of the house without her bag, because how was she supposed to know to pack? Poor thing.

Exit interview.

Julie: What’s going on in that head of yours? (Oh, Julie, you need to be careful.) Kathy: I didn’t have a chance to fight. (True, don’t really care for it when they do this. Not fair.) Julie: Why did Matt put you up? Kathy: He’s closer to the other people in the house. Julie: Surprised by unanimous? Kathy: No. The house always votes together. I’m the only one who votes the way I want to. (And you have to give her that. She did what she wanted to do.)

Time for the HOH Competition.

Julie tells us that “yesterday, BB put a twist on Simon Says” called, no surprise, “Big Brother says”. We see scenes of the houseguests reacting to the Announcer Guy instructing them to do weird things. (“Big Brother says go into the backyard, get down on your knees, and howl at the moon.” They do.) This goes on for a while, with plenty of quirky activities, but one thing I notice is that with each announcement, not everybody is playing along. Hmmm. What were the missing people doing that they couldn’t stop and join the fun?

Anyway, live again, we go to the backyard and the competition starts. Julie will read quotes from the “Big Brother Says“ thing, and the houseguests must decide if the quote is true or false. Answer wrong, and you’re gone.

Houseguests drop, and it comes down to Enzo and Britney. (Not kidding, Enzo makes it this far.) But Britney wins. We watch everybody pretend to be really happy for her, then we go back to the studio

Julie: Britney will get to nominate two people for eviction. But she will not be the only one to hold power next week. Stay tuned!

Oh God.

Commercials. Have you not eaten anything fattening today? Here’s some ideas.

Julie talks to the houseguests in the Couch Room. It’s boring, so nothing to report. Julie dismisses them to go round up all the empty mascara tubes in the house now that Kathy is gone. (That sound you hear is a dump truck being fired up.)

Then Julie tells us that next Thursday will be a double eviction, where they cram a full week of activity into one hour. Great. Somebody else will be going home with no chance to save themselves.

We end with a peek at the houseguests reacting to tonight’s surprising turn of events. This mostly consists of Brendon just standing there and waiting to be nominated.

Roll credits.

#156 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 18

2010-08-19T08:28:00.000-05:00

We start with a quick review of the mayhem from the last episode (people crying in the swamp room, Lane playing “brother” and tossing about “sister” Britney like a rag doll as they both giggle and pretend that this has nothing to do with lust, and some revealing documentary footage that Kathy is unable to close her eyes at night after 40 years of mascara abuse). Oh, and the Announcer guy says “The Brigade got hit with a grenade” (Lane’s nomination), meaning even the BB producers are using that dumb-ass Brigade slogan. Blech.

Then we get to the new stuff, right after Ragan and Lane were put on the block, and we have a round of Diary Room confessions.

Ragan: “I am devastated. I am having a full-blown meltdown.” (Girl, you have those with simple things like people not putting the toothpaste cap back on tight enough.)

Lane: “I don’t know why I’m up.” (This does not surprise me, Lane. You’re confused by breakfast cereals.)

Brendon: “Lane is a pawn, Ragan is the target. But neither of them has had to fight to stay in this game.” (Which is totally stupid, making it personal instead of strategic. Say, Brendon, do you often have breakfast with Lane?)

Britney: “I think Brendon has a bigger plan. He’s not after Ragan or Lane.” (This would be an interesting thought if we weren’t talking about Brendon. After all, he hasn’t been thinking clearly since he was first caressed by the billowing synthetic fibers in Rachel’s hair extensions.)

Then we have Ragan in the Swamp Room, crying and talking to himself. “This is my opportunity to shine.” Then he blows his nose with enough force to create a tsunami, which is now headed to a poor Far Eastern country where nobody has flood insurance and the houses are made out of wax paper.

Brendon and Lane, chatting. Brendon: “You’re not the target. And if Ragan wins Power of Veto, Matt or Britney goes home.”

Time to pick players for the Power of Veto Competition. Brendon draws Enzo, Ragan gets Kathy (cue laugh track), and Lane, with a “Houseguest’s Choice” draw, picks Hayden. (Enzo in the Diary Room: “If I win, I’m safe.” Then I guess you’ll have to go with Plan B, because you seem unable to win squat.)

Quick scene with Ragan pouting in the Diary Room, because it’s just not FAIR that he might get sent home before he can finish his two weeks as The Saboteur. Interesting that you should bring that up, Ragan. Because really, all we’re seeing is Darth Vader videos, and nothing where you have to actually sneak about the house and do actual work. Explain to me again why you even deserve the $20,000? Just wondering.

Then we have some weird robot thing coming out of the Diary Room and telling the slumbering houseguests to “wake up”, and then making fun of them, because he’s the “Zingbot 3000” or some such. It’s pretty stupid, and this is one of those shame-filled moments when I realize that my life could be better spent doing anything other than watching this mess.

Oh, but the robot is also going to host the Veto Competition, so I guess he does serve some obscure purpose. Everybody tromps out to the courtyard, and we learn that this game involves carrying puzzle pieces across a balance beam and a spinning disc thing, and then assembling 4 puzzles that spell out “VETO”. And if you fall off at any point, you’re eliminated. Ready, go!

Right away, Kathy: “I’m taking my time on this one.”

Britney in the Diary Room: “You’re taking your time on this one? Oh, on THIS one. Okay. Because it’s not a race or anything.” Britney really is funny, when she’s not spending her time lacerating everyone around her with negative whining. And Monet getting the boot has actually calmed Britney down a little bit.

Diary Room moments for both Ragan and Lane, both of them doing the “gotta win” spiel and crossing their fingers. Yes, we know you need to win. But we don’t need to hear you say that 46 times in one episode.

Kathy in the Diary Room, complaining about the spinning disc part of the competition, accompanied by shots of her gingerly maneuvering across the disc without any urgency at all: “I don’t even ride the Ferris wheels at the carnival.” Well, it may not have been the Ferris wheel, but you’ve clearly ridden something. For a very long time.

Shots of Brendon obviously looking at Ragan doing the puzzles, and thereby cheating. He’s such a good sport.

Kathy is the first to fall and is eliminated. This is a total surprise and everyone is stunned. Not.

In the end, Ragan wins, meaning Brendon will have to name a replacement nominee. (Ragan in the Diary Room: This means, one, that I get to stay, and two, that I’m going to get the $20,000 for being The Saboteur. Yay! And three, I’m still wondering what Ragan really did that justifies that $20K. Maybe I’m just bitter.)

Brendon in the Diary Room: “I still have Britney and Matt” to put up. (Again, why are they your focus?)

Britney in the Diary Room: “Now I have to talk to the Neanderthal again.” (Again, sucking up is intrinsic to this game. I know you got the BB handbook. Use it.)

Lane: “We can’t have anyone in The Brigade going up against me.” (Well, since it’s quickly coming to the point where The Brigade will be the only people in the house, it’s bound to happen. Not happy that your little Brigade has slid under the radar so far, but it will be fun to watch you four tear at each other when it comes down to that.)

Cut to commercials. Can we get a moratorium on the BB advertisement where Monet (I think) screams “It’s party time. Yeah!” Sick of that.

Britney, Ragan and Matty in the Swamp Room. They basically agree that Kathy is the one that should go up on the block and then home. Then Matt wanders out to get some slop. Ragan turns to Britney and goes into full Bette Davis mode: Neither Matt nor I will ever screw you over. “I love you!” Then he starts sobbing. Britney, startled and not sure what to do, jabs herself in the eye with a finger so she can squeeze out a tear.

Hayden and Enzo, somewhere. Enzo: “If Matt goes home, it’s better for us.” Then they grip each other in places that you probably shouldn’t grip if you’re not in a relationship. Hayden in the Diary Room: He basically wants Matt out, because he wins stuff.

Brendon wanders into the HOH Room, where the Pandora’s box has been activated again, tempting him. He reads the letter about something good OR bad happening to the house if he accepts, but then he sees a video with Rachel splashing water on herself and he’s gone. “I choose most definitely” to open the box. (I’m thinking he’s already done that, but I digress.) Once he activates Pandora, he goes inside the secret chamber and finds another envelope.

“You get a 24-hour rest from the game,” shipped off to a nice vacation spot. “I get to see Rachel!” he proclaims, and wanders out a door on the other side of the chamber.

Back in the house, the doorbell rings. Everybody scampers to see who it is, and it’s Rachel. “I’m back, bitches!” (Britney in the Diary Room: “I wanted to throw up on myself.” Have you ever noticed how many things make Brit want to hurl? Perhaps she should see somebody about that.) Rachel: “Somebody opened Pandora’s box and I’m here for 24 hours.”

Then she immediately gets into a shouting match with Ragan. For the record, she started it. After they spar for a bit, Rachel runs up to the HOH Room, fully expecting to find her honey, Brendon. The door is locked. Hmmm.

Downstairs, Britney thinks that Brendon has been locked in Pandora’s box for an equal 24 hours. Good call, but not quite right. Rachel tromps back down the spiral staircase, and goes after Ragan again, with this round ending in Ragan spitting: “Count your friends in this house. Done already?”

And then they fight some more. Ragan asks “Ray-tress” to bring him a cocktail, then offers this: “You could have been decent, but you came in just like you left.”

This is not going to be a pleasant day in the life, just sayin’.

Then Rachel throws out this, which marks her for extinction in my book: “Do you have to be the biggest bitch because you’re gay?”

Oh, no she didn’t.

Ragan: “No, it’s because you’re a horrible person.”

And this goes on and on and ON. Ragan is actually very sharp and witty with his responses, while Rachel basically flips her hair and refuses to accept the fact that she might be out of line. (Rachel: “I’ll make every minute of the 24 hours miserable for you!”)

Now, the thing that bugs me the most about this extended confrontation? That nobody else in the house has Ragan’s back during the mess. Rachel is out of her mind with mean vindictiveness, yet they all look the other way. Because Rachel’s on the jury? Please. That girl ain’t votin’ for nobody except Brendon. She’s a lost cause. So you people not coming to Ragan’s defense are just pathetic.

Really don’t like the people in the house this season.

Later, Matt discovers that the HOH Room is now unlocked. So everybody thunders up there to see what’s going on. Close-up of Rachel pounding on the Pandora door and begging for Brendon to come out.

Cut to Brendon at the “vacation house”, wandering around and calling Rachel’s name. Eventually he finds a card explaining that “Rachel’s enjoying her vacation somewhere else”. Brendon: At least she’s having a nice time wherever she is. Then his clueless ass jumps in the pool and splashes around.

Back at the BB house, Rachel stomps out to the courtyard and proceeds to torment Ragan about her making cookies, knowing full well (courtesy of Britney) that he’s a Have-Not and can’t eat the cookies. And here we go with another round of bitter screaming. This goes on forever, so I’ll just throw out some choice quotes.

Ragan: “The only thing honest about you is the pimples on your face.”

Ragan: “Get on your broom and fly back into the house.”

Rachel: “Nobody likes you!”

Ragan: “You are the most vile devil child in the world.”

Rachel: “You suck at being gay.”

Ragan: “You will get what is coming to you. Take it as a tip and learn from it.”

Ragan stomps into the house and slams the sliding glass door. Rachel just stands there, unable to comprehend what she has done wrong, while Britney pretends to play pool with… I don’t know, one of The Brigade Boys. Again, nobody defends Ragan.

Rachel marches up to the HOH Room and uses some pretzels to spell out Matt’s name. The she trounces back downstairs, finds Enzo and hugs him, them convinces Kathy to stagger back up to the HOH Room with her. (I’m impressed that Kathy can navigate the spiral staircase. Who knew she had it in her?) Once there, Rachel: I spelled Matt out on purpose. Make sure that nobody comes up here.

Then Rachel leaves the house, her stay finally ended, and blood pressures drop.

Kathy races to tell Hayden and Enzo that Rachel left Matt’s name upstairs. Based on the expressions the two guys have, I’m not really sure they know who Matt is.

Later still, back up to the HOH Room. Brendon wanders out of the Pandora room, freshly returned from his vacation in wherever. He spies the pretzel message from Rachel. (In the Diary Room: Matt? Done!) Then he moseys out on the upstairs balcony, where he learns that Rachel was here and he wasn’t. Surprisingly, he doesn’t take his own life.

Kathy: “It was pretty dramatic in here.”

Understatement. Of. The. Century.

Brendon drags Britney up to the HOH Room. Brendon: Just checking to make sure our agreement still holds. Britney: “100 percent.” (Britney in the Diary Room: Are you kidding? I will promise my first-born child.)

Brendon and Ragan in the HOH Room. Ragan: “People need to see you as you, not as Rachel and Brendon.” Then Ragan hints that Matt should go up, but cautions that if Britney is nominated, she’ll go home, but Matt may not.

And we have another Darth Vader video. “There’s a competition tomorrow that could change the course of the game. Get some sleep.” The houseguests scurry to get some shut-eye. But Darth keeps coming back on the monitor. All night long. So nobody gets any sleep, and Kathy in particular looks like we should just throw some dirt on her face and call it done. In the last Darth video, the bleary-eyed houseguests learn that there really isn’t a competition. Hee hee.

Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s very happy that his latest Saboteur prank has everybody in an uproar. Then Liza Minnelli walks in again, and asks him where he got his blouse.

Time for the Veto Meeting.

Ragan removes himself from the block. Natch.

Brendon nominates Matt as a replacement. Not so natch, but still.

Ragan slams the Veto box closed, triggering some final Diary Room moments.

Ragan: He’s really sad that Matt had to go up. But not so sad that he’s going to forfeit his $20K for being The Saboteur.

Enzo: The worst has finally happened. It might be time for Matt to go home. Then Enzo gets distracted by a mirror and some catnip.

Britney: I have a huge sense of relief. Does anybody have some hand lotion?

Lane: I’m gonna do what I gotta do. Lane, you have no idea what that might be.

Matt: I’m not worried. I’ve got the Madonna Veto. I can’t wait to see Brendon’s face when I use it.

Me: I can’t wait, either. Especially since I expected you to use the Diamond Veto as soon as you were put on the block, because isn’t this the Veto meeting? Why wait? Did I miss a memo? Probably.

So if Matt uses Madonna right before the actual vote, anything could happen. Oh boy.

Roll end credits.