#183 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 14

We start out with the traditional march back to camp after they’ve voted someone out (Benry), with folks stumbling along in the dark and looking like confused aliens. Sash pulls Fabio aside and tells him they sent Benry home because Benry was targeting Fabio. It’s all good. Fabio doesn’t care, as long as it wasn’t him or whatever his real name is.

We’re only two minutes into the episode before Sash can’t help but stroke his ego in a sidebar, going off about how he’s in control of this game. (Never mind that he’s thin enough to be used as wallpaper.) And by the way, Fabio’s going home next time. Now, could you carry me back to camp? Because I don’t have any muscles left in my body.

Fabio in a sidebar: “I think they believe that I’m more gullible and naïve than I am.” (Dude, they don’t think it, they know it.) He thinks it would be really funny to make the other folks go “What? I didn’t know Fabio was that smart.”

This is not going to happen in our life time.

Roll opening credits.

Folks get tree mail, and this is the one where they get a Sprint cell phone with snippets of family members wishing they were back home. (Wouldn’t it be fun, for once, for some disgruntled relative to say: “Would you mind staying on the island for a while? Our lives have been so much better. We’ll send your clothes.”) This means that everybody is going to cry when they see their particular significant others.

Everybody cries. (Side note: How did Danny manage to produce such attractive boys?) This is actually one of my favorite parts, but I can’t really make fun of it without people coming after me with pitchforks and burning torches, so we’ll just skip ahead, shall we?

Chase and Fabio, discussing the upcoming reward where the winners will get to go do something fun with their clean relatives. They both promise that the two of them and Sash should all go on the reward together, if one of them wins. Then a coconut rolls by and the conversation ends, because they can’t focus on more than one thing at a time. (Sounds of Jane giggling and then running back into the forest.)

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Jeff does some more shilling for the Sprint Evo phone, then explains that the winner will get to eat food and float down the coast of Nicaragua. Along with one of their loved ones. (Cue everybody bursting into tears again.) Bring ‘em out! So here we go with the emotional mini-reunions, with waterworks flowing, tight hugs, and the city folk thanking God that Survivor is not presented in Smell-a-Vision. (And it is extremely touching when Danny’s son keeps smooching him on the head.)

Several gallons of smeared mascara later, Jeff explains the challenge. The Survivors have to run across this little bridge thing, dive in some water, retrieve some puzzle pieces and bring them back to their relative, who have to spell out a phrase. (Danny will not be winning this, sayin.) In the end, Chase and his mom triumph.

Jeff tells Chase to pick one survivor to go with him. (Chase, and everybody: “Just one?” Because we know they always get to pick two. What up?) Chase picks Sash, which is fair, since Sash hasn’t been in quite some time. Then Jeff lets Chase pick another, setting up the drama. Chase picks Holly. (That sound you hear is Jane’s and Fabio’s last nerve snapping.)

Chase to Jeff: “What happens to the rest of them?” Jeff: “They will be taken and executed.” (Okay, Jeff needs to be funny more of the time.) Then Jeff goes for more drama: “Fabio, you seem upset.” (If, by “upset”, Jeff means sobbing hysterically at not getting to go, then yes, Fabs is a bit distraught.) Fabio calls out Chase for going back on his promise. Chase basically takes it, nervously picking at his baby beard. Then Jeff tells the losers to say bye-bye to their loved ones, so there’s some more ruined mascara. Then he waves the Sprint Evo around for a bit before handing it to Chase.

Cut back to camp, where Fabio, Dan and Jane go on a hate fest. They are none too pleased with Chase at the moment. Dan: “He’s done with us.” Fabio: “Even today we talked about him taking me.” Jane: [Snippet deleted by Bonnywood Manor censors] They are all convinced that Chase has just lost the money in the end.

Cut to the winners arriving at the riverside feast, where things are a bit happier. (Chase makes sure to capture the goings on with the Sprint Evo phone, just in case you didn’t realize he had one.) Then Chase, Holly and Sash decide that they are going to be the final three. (The relatives politely hover in the background. We don’t know how much they might have known when this episode was filmed, but we do know that surely there’s a Survivor assistant hiding in the river, ready to drown one of the relatives if they start to pipe up with some intel.)

Another side note: Chase’s mom is the first to break out the supplied champagne. This is important information to have should you somehow get invited to the Finale wrap party and need a drink.

Back to camp once more, where the losers are already sleeping when the winners come waltzing back home. As expected, there is a tense discussion between Fabio and Chase. Chase tries to be nice, but the writing is on the wall about Fabio being on the outs. Too bad that Fabio can’t actually read the words.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: They will be blindfolded, attached to a line, have to crawl over and under some sawhorse things, fondle a shield with some raised metalwork, grab bags of pieces, crawl back, then open the bags and put the pieces in the right place on a new shield. (Once again, there’s no chance of Danny winning. He’s barely moved an inch when the others are already at the other end, feeling and grabbing. Jane makes it back first, but it comes down to Fabio and Chase. Fabio wins Immunity. (Jane immediately whips off her blindfold and kills an entire flock of sheep with one withering glance.)

We cut back to camp, with Danny leading the way as the tribe staggers home. (Which will be the only time that Danny is first in anything.) Everyone congratulates Fabio, but you know they don’t mean it. (Sash in a sidebar: Fabio winning is the only thing that could have screwed things up today.) Danny lets everyone know that he’s completely exhausted. (Why? When has he done anything?) No one cares.

Well, maybe Chase does. He waits a bit then tells Fabio that “Dan’s done” and he should go. Fabio thinks Jane should go. Chase runs to Sash to share what Fabio is thinking. Chase pushes for sending Dan home, but Sash is on board with the Jane thing as well. Chase is apparently fighting a losing battle. To confirm things, Holly comes waltzing up with news that Dan and Fabio want Jane to walk through the creepy cemetery.

Lo and behold, here comes Jane. She tries to dig, and based on the trio’s hesitation and waffling, Jane immediately knows the score. She forces them to spill. Sash: “The truth is, we think you can beat us in the end.” Jane flips him off. (Love her.) Then she stomps away and has a small breakdown in a sidebar, hating on everybody, especially Chase: “If I was Chase, I wouldn’t show my ass back in Carolina.”

And it goes downhill from there.

Jane goes on a rampage, hissing at everybody and cussing their mommas. At one point, she takes a bucket of water and pours it over the fire. She makes sure of the damage by dumping another bucket on the wet ashes. “By God, I started it. I’ll put it out.” Which is true, she was the one who got the fire started in the first place. Holy cow. (And still love her. Me thinks Jane will and should get at least the fan favorite money in the end. Just sayin.)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Dan: “Crazy afternoon?” Dan: He starts to spill about Jane, then holds his tongue. Jeff prods him until he spills about the fire thing. Jane: “Can I have my say?” And off she goes, not holding back and trashing everybody, much to the delight of the giggling but mostly silent jury. And she hits all the right points, country or not. She babbles about the alliance, that Dan and Fabio were supposed to be next, and “that’s how Benry got voted off”. (Shot of Benry seeing the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.)

Jeff: “Let me ask the alliance in charge.” (Chase, Holly, Sash.) “If you vote out Jane, who’s next?” Chase: “Whoever doesn’t win Immunity.” Jeff: “So it’s Fabio or Dan?” Chase takes the plunge, asking Holly and Sash: “Would you guys agree with that?” They squirm, but they eventually do. Bold move.

Shots of the jury members nearly wetting themselves over all this action.

Jeff pushes hard for Fabio and Dan to pay attention to this. Why don’t you and Jane form your own alliance? Jeff to Jane: “What do you suggest to do right now?” Jane: “Us three vote Holly out. Chase and Sash have an Idol.”

There it is, right there, folks. Here’s your open chance to upset the apple cart. Will Fabio and Dan take it? Jeff keeps pushing them. (Personally, I think he’s still just as sweet on Jane as the rest of us. He wants her to stay. Fair or not, he does everything he can to convince Dan and Fabio.)

Time to Vote.

Jeff comes back with the tally? Anybody wanna play a Hidden Immunity Idol? Chase and Sash nearly knock each other over trying to hand over their little stick dolls. (It’s the last night they can use them, why the hell not?) Votes cast for Chase, Sash and Fabio will not count. Jeff opens the little wooden crockpot.

It’s Jane. Meaning Dan and Fabio completely deserve to go home next for not even trying to change it up, knowing full well that they are next. To her credit, Jane doesn’t kill anybody on her way out. (“Ya’ll have fun!”) Jeff, holding back his irritation, sends folks back to camp.

In the closing credits we see that Jane’s lone dissenting vote was cast for Sash. Sash? So even if Dan and Fabio had flipped, it wouldn’t have mattered. Was Jane, knowing that she was going home anyway, giving the finger to Sash and still looking out for her ex-buddy Chase by not casting a vote against him, or did she hit her head on the way to the voting booth?

Hmmm.

#182 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 13

Okay, so we start out right after the Tribal where NaOnka and Purple Kelly completely lost their minds and chose to quit the game, irritating everyone, especially Jeff Probst, who gets all pissy if anyone dares to leave voluntarily. Back at camp, we see Holly going off in a sidebar. (“There are only 11 days left. It’s unbelievable!” Then Holly gets distracted by a pair of shoes just sitting around unattended, and she makes plans to sink them as soon as possible.)

Cut to Benry and a couple of others messing around with the one remaining chicken. He decides to christen the bird “Kelly-Nay”, because both Purple Kelly and NaOnka are chickens. This is actually kind of funny, but the chicken is not amused.

Sash in a sidebar, where he’s fussing about the sudden death of his alliance. Dude, why are you fussing? You got all high and mighty thinking you were running things, and then everything went south in about 15 minutes. This is what happens on “Survivor”. Did you bother to actually watch the show before you signed that release agreement?

Roll opening credits.

Sash runs up to Chase, Fabio and Benry as they are standing around and practicing their poses for the “Hunky Men of Survivor” calendar. Sash: I’m gonna play the Idol at the next Tribal so it will remove that target off my back. The other three just look at him, wondering how somebody can get THAT skinny and not fall over when the wind blows.

Sash in a sidebar: I’m gonna do what’s best for me. (Good idea.) Then he goes off about how he’s the swing vote between the two remaining alliances, that people need to make him offers, and then he’ll decide which way to go. (Pompous, much? Your undeserved self-love is going to cost you in the end. Just sayin.)

Chase and Sash. Chase: Our best interest is to go with a woman. (Sash just looks at him as if he’s never considered that option, on the island or off.) Sash: “Jane is the only person that can beat us in the end.” Then Sash gets all clingy: “Will you still take me to the Final?” Chase agrees to do so. (Probable lie, but who knows.) Then they talk about how Holly (for sure) and Sash (not so much) should get to go on the next Reward, whatever it is. Chase agrees that Sash should get to go because he hasn’t been in a long time. (This will prove critical later. Stay tuned.)

And imagine this, it’s time for the Reward Challenge that they were just talking about. Great editing, Survivor Team! (So how come “The Amazing Race” always beats you at the Emmy Awards? Just wondering.)

Anyway, Jeff explains that this Reward Challenge is a chance to “revisit some of the past challenges”. It’s a multi-part thing, with folks running about and doing combined former challenges. The first 4 to finish the first round advance, then the first 2 to finish the second round compete in a final round for Reward. The prize is some quality time at a private resort, where they get to spend the night in luxury, with peasants giving them massages and lots of food sitting around waiting to be violated. Survivors ready?

Chase, Jane, Benry and Holly make it through the first round. (Meaning that Sash, Dan and Fabio were once again beaten by older women. Yay!) Sadly, the older women stumble in the second round, with Chase and Benry moving on. In the end, Chase is triumphant. (And I must say that Chase looks amazingly chiseled with a layer of mud accentuating his pecs. We need to see more of that.)

Jeff informs Chase that he gets to take two peeps with him when he travels to this resort where people want to rub their bodies. Chase decides to go with Holly (fair) and Jane (whoops), despite his promise to Sash that Sash should go on a Reward. Uh oh.

Sash in a sidebar: “That was incredibly stupid” on Chase’s part. Yes, it was, from a political perspective. But it was fun watching you be disappointed, yes?

Cut to the 4 losers going back to camp, all muddy and despondent. Fabio tells everybody that “Chase picked the two strategic players”. (Which means that Fabio doesn’t really understand the word “strategy”.) Sash in a sidebar: That was a stupid move. (Got it, Sash.) But he still thinks he can manipulate the remaining three guys at camp to do his bidding. (Are you sure about that, Sash? Cause you look kind of puny leaning against that tree.)

Sash goes to the three guys and pleads his case. I can be with you guys and we can conquer the world. Dan is initially all for this. (Why wouldn’t he be? He’s completely worthless and will side with anyone who keeps him in the game.) But then Dan gets a little mouthy, pointing out that Sash could just as easily “go the other way”. (Sash just looks at him as if he’s always considered that option, on the island or off.)

Dan in a sidebar, which he doesn’t really deserve, but let’s go with it: “People don’t trust Sash after what he did to Brenda and Marty.” As if anybody should trust DAN, who connives to vote for anybody that’s not him.

Cut to Chase, Holly and Jane at the Reward spa, where they are munching on fruit and getting clean. (Not really sure why we had to see Holly nearly naked, but I suppose somebody out there was probably interested in that opportunity.) Jane is totally psyched about getting to sleep in a Tiki Hut overnight, which is a little odd, but we should let her live her dreams.) While Jane is washing the crust off her body in the outdoor shower, Chase fesses to Holly. Chase: “I made a mistake in picking Jane. It was stupid.” Holly: Yes, it was. We’ll talk later.

Back at camp, we have Fabio and Benry. Fabio: We’ve got to convince Sash to go our way. Benry: He’s not stupid. He will. Then Fabio, Benry and Sash are involved in killing Jane’s chicken (“Kelly-Nay”) while Dan relaxes in the shelter like he’s done since Day One, then they all feast. Uh oh.

Jane, arriving back at camp with Chase and Holly, is distraught over the untimely death of her beloved chicken. “They didn’t have to eat her! I did love my chicken.” Then Jane makes a memorial to the chicken, complete with a cross and a heart in the sand made out of shells. (Which should be really touching, and I do feel sorry for her tears, but Jane, the chicken is protein. At some point your feathered friend had to say goodbye.)

Holly, Chase and Jane. Holly: I don’t trust Sash. Chase: We have to make him trust us. (Agreed. But how are you going to do this? Perform a medley of Village People hits?)

The four loser guys wander back into camp (no word on where they might have been when the Reward people arrived back from the spa where people were willing to touch their private parts and make them feel better). Sash is all huggy with Jane and Holly, but doesn’t do so with Chase, because that action might confirm some things Sash doesn’t want confirmed.)

Ben in a sidebar: I’m nervous. I’m not sure where I stand.

Benry then runs to Chase. He fishes for what Chase and his alliance think about who should go home. Chase hints that it should be Fabio. Oh?

Chase and Sash. Chase is apologetic, regretting about “not taking you”. But “I trusted you to come back to camp with the guys” and not waver. (Oh, good spin, Chase.) Sash then fumbles around, making it clear that diplomacy is not one of his better skills, but he wants to make sure that Chase will take him to the final 3 or 2. Chase agrees. Oh?

Then Holly wanders up to the two, fresh from getting her perm restyled at the Coconut Grove Snip and Clip. Who are we voting for? Chase: Benry said we should go for Fabio. Sash: Benry is totally lying to you. Holly: Does anyone know where I can get a Brazilian wax?

Benry runs to tell Fabio and Dan that that the others are talking about Fabio going home. Fabio doesn’t seem to understand what this means, and Dan high-fives himself for once again slipping under the radar.

Benry in a sidebar: You can’t trust Sash. He’s friends with Momma Holly (he is?), but Chase is “my boy” (he is?), and maybe it’s time for a new alliance.

Ben runs up to Chase, Sash and Holly. He’s good with Fabio going home. Sash: It should be Jane or Fabio next. Chase and Holly just look at Sash like he’s lost his mind. Jane? Are you kidding?

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: You’ll be chained to a long rope, wrapped around this thing that looks like something you would tether a horse to, and you have to untangle yourself to release enough rope so you can run fetch a bag of gold coins. The first 3 to do so will compete in the next phase, where you have to solve a “gold-based” puzzle to win. (What the hell is a “gold-based” puzzle? Is this something the Kardashians have to deal with?)

Off we go, with Fabio, Benry and Sash making it to the final stage. In the end, Sash wins, although Fabio is close behind with the puzzle thing. (Don’t get excited, he’s still stupid, he only got close because he was watching Sash figure out the puzzle.) Sash is safe from eviction.

Shot of creepy birds holding their wings out and planning to devour smaller creatures.

Sash in a sidebar: Now I’m a triple threat, with the Hidden Idol, the Immunity Idol, and the swing vote. I’m in complete control. I can’t wait for the Final Tribal where I win all the money.

Really don’t care for Sash. Sayin.

Fabio to Sash: Will you let me know if my name comes up? Sash: Sure! (Uh huh.)

Fabio in a sidebar: Sash is closer to me than anybody. He’ll let me know. (Uh huh.)

Sash, Chase and Dan. Chase: Everybody’s thinking Fabio. Sash and Dan just stand there, because Sash is playing all sides and can’t remember who he might have lied to, and Dan because he’s too tired to think about actually doing anything with his life.

Sash in another sidebar, with him once again proving his arrogance whilst propped in a tree that he probably needed help in climbing. (I’m guessing Jane gave him a boost while she raced off to save the rainforests.)

Brief squabble at camp, with all the people who are not Fabio trying to decide what to tell Fabio so he won’t be suspicious. Benry thinks it would be better to tell him folks are voting for Holly rather than Jane. Then Benry runs off to impart this news with Fabio, who was too stupid to wonder why everybody was gathered at camp and having a Come to Jesus meeting.

Scene with Sash working Jane, calling her his “second momma”. Jane in a sidebar: It’s Chase, Holly, Sash and me for Final Four. Sash has a great heart. (Oh, honey, we need to talk.) Then Jane runs off to search for the Lost City of Atlantis. And she’ll probably find it.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff can’t help himself when bringing in the Jury, calling NaOnka and Purple Kelly “our two quitters”. They don’t seem to care, since they’ve been sleeping in an actual bed. (And don’t get me started on why they are even allowed to vote on the Jury. This too shall pass.)

Jeff to Chase: Was it such a good move taking Holly and Jane on the Reward extravaganza? Chase: Probably not. Then he flexes his pecs, and it doesn’t really matter.

Jeff to Benry: Concerned that you might be perceived as a physical threat? Benry: Hell, yeah, I’m a threat. (Note to Benry: This is when you need to shut your mouth. Seriously.)

Jeff to Jane: Is Fabio a threat? Jane: Oh, yeah. Well, except for the intelligence part. (Love her.)

Jeff to Fabio: How do you deal with being a physical threat? Fabio: Um, that’s a lot of words, but I think I should say that I’m nice and don’t lie.

Uh huh.

Time to Vote.

1 vote for Holly (Fabio), 2 votes for Fabio (Danny and Benry), and 4 votes for Benry.

Oopsie. Blindside.

Roll end credits.

#181 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 12

Editor’s Note: For those keeping score, I didn’t do a review of Episode 11, since it was one of those “recap” things where you don’t really learn anything new although it’s still fun to watch idiots flail and run about. But now we’re back to the new stuff. Here we go…

Since it’s been two weeks, Jeff catches us up on the major highlights of what’s happened so far. (This is an important humanitarian thing to do, since in this modern age we no longer have an attention span that lasts longer than 5 minutes.) Cut to the Libertad camp, where people are wandering back home after totally-surprised Brenda was sent home.

Totally-surprised Purple Kelly goes up to NaOnka. What just happened? Why did we send Brenda home? Why didn’t anybody tell me? Nay: Who are you again?

Throughout all the people tottering around in front of the night-vision cameras, knocking each other out of the way to get a sidebar, we have shots of torrential rain and things floating out to sea.

Sidebar with Purple Kelly: “Now I’m at the bottom of the totem pole.” Then she pauses to wonder if what she just said sounds too dirty to say on family TV.

Holly and NaOnka. Holly: What Brenda said about you? Don’t worry. In one ear and out the other. You good.

Nay in a sidebar: Everybody can kiss my ass. Or something like that. It’s Nay.

Chase and NaOnka. Chase: “It’s you, me, Holly and Jane. Now we gotta get Sash, Purple Kelly, and Fabio.” (Um, what about Danny and Benry? Granted, Dan has been in a coma this entire season, except when food is available, but Benry is something to be reckoned with, mainly because you know he’s bitter about his name and has something to prove.)

Weird shot of NaOnka looking tragic with a distant storm superimposed behind her. Uh oh.

Roll opening credits.

Oh look, it’s still storming. We watch the previously cute little river turn into a raging avalanche of froth, with trees and small, pointless nations being swept into the ocean. Everyone is really sad about this development. Especially NaOnka. She’s crying and stuff, telling us in a sidebar that she’s anemic, and when it rains it causes her joints to hurt. Okay, that doesn’t sound like much fun, but sweetie, does it not rain where you normally live? Doesn’t the same thing happen there?

And Purple Kelly is blue as well, also crying, babbling to Fabio and to us in a sidebar that life is miserable. Total suckage. Fabio in his own sidebar: “You have to find a mental happy place.” (I’m thinking Fabio not only found that place, he’s moved there and is never coming back to the real world.)

The storm finally breaks. The sun shines, the waves recede, and chirpy birds return to frolic and sing. Then Jane kills all of the birds with Marty’s abandoned and crusty headband so she can smoke some bird jerky and make an extra shelter out of the bird bones. In her spare time, she rebuilds the Mayan pyramids.

NaOnka and Chase. She fesses that her heart’s not in the game, and that “I’ve had this key forever”, meaning the Hidden Immunity Idol. So she gives it to Chase. “You my boy.” What was that all about? If Nay’s not quitting the game, then she’s totally ate up with the dumbass.

Holly and Jane. Holly: If Purple Kelly and Nay leave, we still have 4 with Sash and Chase. (Sash? Dude-ettes, what makes you think you can trust Sash?) Then Holly runs off to tell Sash and Chase about the new alliance. They both try to pay attention, but they are completely distracted by her hair. How does she get it to curl that way?

Sash in a sidebar: This new alliance benefits me least. I wish NaOnka and Purple Kelly would stay. (Then Sash trips over his own ego and bangs his head on a rock shaped just like Brenda. He doesn’t get the point.)

Time for the Reward Challenge.

As folks march into the clearing, we can see what looks like giant corpses laid out on morgue tables, so I’m not sure where this is going. Jeff explains: There will be two teams, with members tied together, and they have to carry these giant and very heavy “Gulliver’s” over an obstacle course. If you drop Gully, you have to go back and repeat the previous obstacle. The winning team gets to travel to the “Survivor Cinema” and watch a new movie, “Gulliver’s Travels”, starring Jack Black. (Shameless plug, much?)

The castaways just stare at Jeff. How is that a reward?

Jeff: Oh, and you get to eat movie food, like hot dogs and nachos and popcorn and candy.

The tribe lights up. Let’s do it! They split into teams, with Danny (big surprise) having to sit out so the teams will be even. (He has to pick a team to win, so he goes with the Blue Team.) Holly, Nay, Chase and Benry are on the Blue Team. Sash, Fabio, Purple Kelly and Jane are on the Yellow Team. And off we go. It’s really kind of fun watching these people lug around the giant dead people, and it’s also a very close race, with the lead changing constantly. But in the end, the Blue Team wins. (Which means that Danny has once again done nothing but still reaps rewards.)

While Jeff is congratulating the winners, NaOnka interrupts. “Can I say something?” Jeff nods. Nay: My body is wearing down. This is my last day. I just wanted to go out with a bang.

Jeff is instantly pissed. He never likes it when people quit. Jeff: “Anybody else?”

Purple Kelly: Me, too. I’m done.

Jeff is not accepting this. “I’ll give you the afternoon to think about it. Then we’ll meet at Tribal.” (Translation: You had better not quit or I will cut you.) Jeff: Now, back to the Reward. If anybody on the winning team wants to give up their chance to chow down on movie food, then the whole tribe can take back a tarp and enough rice to last to the end of the game.

All eyes immediately turn to NaOnka, since she’s on the winning team and has already said she’s quitting.

Nay just sits there, not saying a word. (Girl, you are SO wrong.)

Benry even tries telling her that she should give up her spot. Nay couldn’t care less. Finally, Holly volunteers to take one for the camp. Holly glares at Nay as she joins the losing team, then goes OFF in a sidebar. She is DONE with NaOnka at this point.

Cut back to camp. The sad losers are bustling about, prepping for yet another storm and praising Holly for her sacrifice. Holly drags Purple Kelly off to the beach for a reality check. Holly: If you quit, you’re always going to be remembered as “the girl who quit“. You need to suck it up.

Purple Kelly in a sidebar: “I have nothing left to suck.” (Oh my.)

Holly in a sidebar: “I’m starving, but I hope that I’m an inspiration for my children.”

Just saying: Holly’s a bit whacked in the head, but she’s creeping toward a possible win. Jane (my current fave) better watch out.

Cut to the “Survivor Cinema”, where folks are going crazy with the junk food. (The shot of Danny shoving an entire hot dog in his mouth is enough to make anyone fear for their life.) Chase in a sidebar: He’s mad about Nay not giving up her movie pass. NaOnka in a sidebar: “I didn’t give 110% just to give up the Reward.” ( Hold up, skank girl, you’re going home. Why are you being such a selfish pig?) Benry in a sidebar: “NaOnka, please, please, leave!”

Then we have shots of the gang totally cracking up at the movie. Granted, we only get to see a few clips, but it’s enough for me to decide that I never want to see this movie, ever, even if they pay me. (Why is Hollywood producing so much crap these days? Oh, that’s right, the Republicans are blocking any progress in Congress. My bad.)

Nay in a sidebar: “If I stay, I can win a million dollars!”

Brian in a sidebar: No, you can’t. People hate you. Go home.

Time for Tribal.

It’s raining once again, so everybody has to troop in looking all pathetic and drippy. (Strange side note: Why does the Jury (Alina, Marty, Brenda) look so happy and chipper? Did I miss something? They should be pissed.) Jeff to Holly: Tell me how you overcame your desire to quit early in the game. Holly gladly obliges, launching into her diatribe about how Jimmy Johnson helped her find Jesus again. (Or at least a season pass for the Dallas Cowboys.)

Jeff to Jane: What would you like to share with the totally worthless people that want to quit? Jane: You gotta have strength, and I hope they stay. (Then Jane runs off to reinforce the Tribal Council platform using some coconuts and a hip bone that she doesn’t really need.)

Jeff to Benry: What do you think about the skanky ho’s? Benry: I’m frustrated that they’re whining when I know they can make it through the last few days. (Then Benry falls off his stump chair, whacking his head on a piece of Jeff’s ego and screaming that Marty’s headband is about to kill him. No one cares.)

Jeff to NaOnka: Did you ever have a chance of winning this game?

Nay: Yes. I know I did.

This makes Jeff twist off even more, so he revisits the point where NaOnka could have given up her spot to watch a movie so the rest of the tribe could have a tarp and rice. Wasn’t that a bit selfish?

Nay: Nope.

(Shot of Jeff doing all he can not to leap over the fire and throttle NaOnka.)

Jeff: Fine. Time for a decision about who’s going to quit. NaOnka?

Nay: I’m gonna quit.

(Jeff’s so clenched right now that the grinding off his teeth could realign the planet.) Jeff: Purple Kelly?

Purp: I’m gonna quit.

Several blood vessels pop in Jeff’s forehead. Jeff: So, loser bitches, what should we do with your torches since you’re whiny quitters? Both of them: Snuff them out like anyone else. Jeff: Oh, no. I’m going to keep your torches in the Tribal area as a reminder that you quit. (That boy is MAD.)

So Jeff does the snuffing, barely civil to either Nay or Purple, then prominently displays their smoldering torches around the Tribal Hut. Jeff to the remaining tribe: It’s time to step it up and actually start playing this game.

Closing shot is of the Jury, incensed that they were voted out by people who are now quitting. Alina appears to be crying, but I’m not sure if it’s because of the unfairness of her situation, or if she just heard that Ricky Martin finally came out of the closet and he’s not interested in women. Because that was such a surprise.

Roll closing credits.

#180 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 10

So, everyone’s marching back to camp after they sent a very-surprised Marty marching through that creepy cemetery that probably doesn’t lead to anywhere fun. For the most party, everyone seems relieved that Marty and his hair are gone, except for Benry and Fabio. Then again, every single thing that ever happens seems to confuse Fabio, so we shouldn’t be surprised.

Brenda in a sidebar: Tribal Council showed the allegiances tonight. “We took out their little Marty.” Everyone thinks Sasha and I are the king and queen, but really, “Sash is more of a queen, and I’m the king.” (Then Brenda looks around for a swarthy peasant to race up and wash her feet with his hair. This doesn’t immediately happen.)

Jane and Holly get together. Holly: Now it’s you, me, Chase and NaOnka. (It is?) “Brenda has to be stopped.” Holly in a sidebar: “It’s time to make a power move.” (Then crickets chirp while sitting in Holly’s mass of kinky hair as she tries to figure out what a “power move” might be.)

Roll opening credits.

Shots of people wandering around and fussing about the rain. Fabio in a sidebar, while we watch folks perform what he’s talking about: We moved the chests around the fire to protect it from the water. (Um, is that really a good idea?)

Glimpses of Holly and Jane strategizing, with Holly pushing for a blindside of Brenda. Since Jane always seems to have the same expression no matter what, it’s hard to tell what she’s thinking. But Holly is super energized about this power move thing. In a sidebar: I could really keep going in this game! (Then dead crickets fall out of her hair and she thinks it’s raining again.)

Holly and Benry get together. Holly: “Sash and Brenda are in total control!” She then proceeds to lay out what’s happening at camp, and she’s actually very good in making her case, to the point that I’m thinking somebody replaced the person playing Holly during the middle of the night. It can happen. Just ask the cast of “Bewitched”. (In another sidebar, Benry confirms that he wants Sash and Brenda gone. Then again, this is the same guy that thought Marty walked on salty water.)

Shots of Jane running to work on NaOnka about sending Brenda home. Nay seems hip with it, but keep in mind that Nay spends most of her day ate up with the dumb-ass, and you never know what she’s going to do.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Brenda’s like my best friend out here,” but she’s too powerful and we need to get her out. (Then Nay imagines that she hears a bird on the other side of the island talking smack about her, so she runs through the jungle to cut its throat.)

Holly marches up to Chase, with details of the Brenda plan. Chase, surprisingly, is not enthused about this. Really? Why would he not be?

Chase in a sidebar: “Benry should go first!” I don’t trust him. (Dude, I don’t trust him, either, but he’s a bit on the simple side. Worry about him later.)

Holly in a sidebar: “Chase is leery about sending Brenda home, which makes me a little nervous.” (Then Little Orphan Annie races up and asks if Holly is her momma, because they have the same hair.)

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Jeff explains: There will be two teams of five. You have to use barrels, ropes and planks to cross a section of beach. If anybody touches actual sand, your team will have to start over. Winning team gets to traipse around the edge of an active volcano, and then go have pizza. Survivors ready? Go!

It’s really not a contest. The yellow team (Brenda, Benry, Dan, Holly and Sash) completely suck, with people falling on their asses and Useless Dan somehow smashing his hand even though he isn’t doing anything. The blue team (Chase, NaOnka, Jane, Fabio and Kelly) basically race across the beach and triumph. They be gettin’ some pizza, yo.

Cut to the winners climbing out of a helicopter on top of this volcano. Part of the festivities include these folks riding boards down a slope of volcanic ash. They all whoop and holler like it’s the best thing ever, including Jane, who ends her ride by uttering “That was fun as crap!” (Still love her. Just keep it together, girl, and you just might make it to the end.)

Cut back to camp, where the sad losing team hasn’t arrived yet, but we see, as we sort of suspected, that the stupid decision to place wooden chests around the fire, “to protect it”, has had disastrous results. Flames are billowing and things are exploding. Not good.

And here comes the yellow team, totally stunned that the camp now looks like somebody had a frat party and things got out of hand. Ashes are everywhere, the chests are gone, the tarp over the hut is melted, and most of the food has moved on to a better place. Disparaging remarks are made.

Back to the volcano, where happy people are feasting on pizza and fixins’, totally unaware that the homestead has suffered a blow. Once fed and belching, they start to strategize, when NaOnka suddenly jumps up and drags Fabio away. (The other three just sit there, because when it comes to Nay, she just doesn’t have the social skills that a decent person should have.)

Off to the side, NaOnka spills the Brenda plan to Fabio. Interestingly enough, he’s quite fine with it, as long as they don’t let Brenda know about it. (Duh, Fabio. You would have to be an idiot to tell Brenda what was going on.)

Speaking of, once the volcano pizza eaters return to camp, Chase runs to tell Brenda what is going on. “And it’s Holly that is orchestrating the plan.” And Benry. (Well, Holly may have started it, but everybody else is knocking each other down to join the band wagon. Shouldn’t you tell Brenda that as well? Wait, my bad, I forgot that Chase having more than one thought in his head makes him go to a dark place.)

But get this. Brenda’s reaction in a sidebar: “I don’t have to do anything to beat them. I’m not that impressed.”

My fingers are so firmly crossed at this point that they kick her out that my fingers have almost snapped in two.

Quick meeting with Chase and NaOnka. He’s really pushing for Benry to go home. (What is his deal with Benry?)

NaOnka immediately runs to tell Benry. Dude, Chase wants your ass, and not in a fun way.

Benry in a sidebar: Chase is crazy.

NaOnka, always a very busy girl, runs to tell Jane that Chase is wigging out. (Jane in a sidebar: Chase better not go back on his word to me. “Carolina people don’t like that.”)

NaOnka, still busy, break-dances her way to Holly. Nay: “I don’t trust Chase.” Holly: “TOLD you. What the hell is wrong with Chase?” (Then they both pause to wave at Jeff Probst’s luxury yacht as it sails past in the bay.)

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains again: You have to stand on this very small platform and lean back over water while holding a rope. Every five minutes, you have to move your hands further down on the rope. Last person still leaning wins.

Sash drops almost right away. (Really? The king of the island?) Kelly tumbles next, followed by Holly, Brenda (yay!), Dan, Fabio and NaOnka. All of this in the first round. The remaining folks then have to move down to a lower section of the rope. Benry splashes into the water next, leaving just Jane and Chase. They hang for a while, then Chase starts smack-talking about how he can last forever. Jane, visibly trembling, announces that she’s going to drop.

Jeff ain’t havin’ none of that. He tells Jane that she is NOT going to just give up. (Me thinks Jeff is a tiny bit sweet on Jane. He didn’t say a word to the previous eight people who took the plunge of shame.) Jane hunkers down. And Chase falls.

So Jane, oldest one of them all, once again beats out all the young studs and wins Immunity. This pleases me immensely.

Back at camp, we have the traditional scurrying as folks figure out who gets to tromp through the creepy cemetery.

Jane in a sidebar: I’m thrilled that I won! As long as she doesn’t have an Idol, Brenda is going home.

Sash and Chase get together. Sash: So, who’s going home. Chase, incomprehensibly, is still pushing for Benry to go. (Then both of them pause to admire their reflections in a nearby puddle, until NaOnka comes along and stomps in the puddle, because it gets on her nerves when people are happy.)

NaOnka, once her feet are dry, runs to Sash. Nay: “Chase is pissing me off, he’s so paranoid.” Then she spills about the Brenda plan. To SASH. (This is SO risky, Nay, why are you doing this?) Amazingly, Sash admits in a sidebar: “It’s not a bad idea” to send Brenda home. Oh? Guess you all weren’t so tight after all. Heyyy.

Scene with Chase and Fabio. Chase is about to share some intricate intel, but nosey Holly comes waltzing up, still shaking crickets out of her nest hair. She pushes once more for the Brenda plan, then she runs off to have her curls tightened even more so her brain doesn’t completely fall out.

Brenda and Chase. Brenda: So what’s the game plan? Chase: You. There’s not enough numbers to save you. Brenda: Nay would never vote for me. Chase: Uh….

Brenda in a sidebar: I just gotta be strong and act like I’m not bothered by all of this. (Honey, you should be bothered. Even your besties are throwing your name out. This is not the time to be acting all Zen and assuming the planets will align to keep you here. Time for some suck-up groveling, yes?)

Brenda, Chase and Sash. Brenda, mainly to Sash, because she doesn’t think that Chase has the intellect to understand: “There’s no way you can get the numbers back if I go home tonight.” (I guess it hasn’t occurred to Brenda that even if she stays, the numbers aren’t what she thinks they are. This is my favorite part of “Survivor”, when clueless people, especially arrogant clueless people, can’t see the light.)

But maybe things aren’t so grim for Brenda. Sash in a sidebar: “I might have to give the Idol to Brenda.” Followed by Brenda in a sidebar: “I hope Sash gives me the Idol, and then we can blind-side NaOnka.”

Time for Tribal.

Jeff tries to get Sash’s thoughts on how things are going in camp, and Sash lies out his ass about how he was totally surprised by Marty going home the last time. (Dude, you voted for him to go.) Jeff then prods at Chase, with him admitting “the strong alliances are gone”. Brenda, irked by this, tries to throw people under the bus: “NaOnka is wanting to jump ship.”

A brief pause while we reflect that NaOnka jumped ship a long time ago, and will probably never be back on deck.

Jeff pokes at Nay: Jumping ship? Nay: I’m not the one that started all this. (Which is kind of true. Holly started it. But Nay had no problem picking up the ball and running like a bat out of hell.)

Jeff to Kelly: Your thoughts? Kelly: “This is the first council where I don’t know what’s going on.” (The first council? Are you serious with that?)

Jeff to Sash: What happens when you break trust? Sash: You go home. (Oh? But you broke your trust with Marty, Sash. You’re still here. What up with that kind of response?)

And here’s the kicker. Jeff tries to find out from Brenda how she’s been acting in camp to keep her chances alive, and he gets fed up with her egotistical responses: “Are you too proud for the word ‘scrambling’?”

Brenda: “I think so.”

Oh my.

Time for the vote.

Jeff does the tally thing, then: “Anyone want to play the Idol?”

Brenda turns to look at Sash, her expression clearly indicating that she expects him to fork it over. He doesn’t, instead pretending that there is something completely fascinating off to the side that he really needs to look at.

1 vote for NaOnka (Brenda), 1 vote for Benry (Kelly, of all people, so I guess she really didn’t know what was going on), and 8 votes for Brenda. She gone.

Jeff: Well, there’s one thing to be learned here. If you want to win, you’ve got to fight for it.

Then the tribe wanders away to go sleep with the ashes.

Roll end credits.

#179 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 9

We start out at the Libertad camp, right after they’ve sent Alina packing. NaOnka in a sidebar: She thinks Marty went too far in his attacks on Jane. (Which is true, he did, but Nay, dumplin‘, you go too far with everything, so I’m not sure that you and that thing on your head should be the one talking about this.)

We see Chase whispering to Brenda: Please tell me you didn’t buy that crap Marty was spewing. Brenda acts like she was all offended by Marty, but you know Brenda’s a sneaky one so she’s probably thrilled that it happened. Then Jane gives her a wake-up call: “Well, wait until he attacks you, honey.” Brenda should really consider this, but she’s too busy waiting for someone to hand her the money because she thinks she’s already won.

Cut to Jane in a sidebar: She has nothing but glowing things to say about wonderful Mr. Marty. Not. “He knows his days are numbered.”

Roll opening credits.

Right when we come back from the commercials, the producers unleash something on the soundtrack that sounds like a man being torn apart by wild pigs. Since we have the volume cranked so we don’t miss any important snide remarks in a sidebar, this screech-noise echoes up and down the block, with lights popping on in neighboring houses. I don’t know what that was, but they don’t need to do it again.

We see Marty and Sash doing something with a water barrel, with Marty trying to figure out which other person voted for him at the last tribal. (It was Holly.) Marty in a sidebar: “It’s frustrating trying to play the game with people that are just stupid.” Well, Marty, it’s also frustrating playing with arrogant buttheads, so that makes it a level playing field, don’t you think? Now go do something on a part of the island where the cameras can’t reach you.

Next we have folks standing around eating rice, because that’s always exciting. Marty tells Benry and Dan what the plan is (because he’s the only one smart enough to have a plan, right?). Marty wants to tell everyone that they are voting for NaOnka, to flush the Idol out, and then actually send Jane home. Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-Worthless both nod like this is the greatest plan, ever. (Of course, someone has to run up and nod Dan’s head for him, because he can’t do it on his own.)

Jane in a sidebar: Like I can’t hear you, Marty. Dumb-ass. Marty knows there’s a noose around his neck and he’s desperate. “I’d like to take him to the woodshed and whip his ass.” (Love her.)

Time for the Reward Challenge, with the winners getting to ride zip-lines and then have a nice barbecue. (When folks hear about the fixins that await at the barbecue, most of them have involuntary orgasms, especially Brenda, who apparently has a very special relationship with apple pie.) To win, your team just has to be the first to negotiate a very strenuous obstacle course, find three keys, then open three locks at the end of the run. Jeff announces that they will now randomly draw for the two teams.

Random? We end up with all the ladies on one team, and all the guys on the other, with Chase having to sit out so the teams are even. No offense, ladies, but this isn’t really fair, with such a physical challenge. The guys are already smirking, instantly assuming that they will win, so of course we have to root for the girls.

Jeff turns to Chase, and makes him pick a team to win. If that team does succeed, he gets to fly through the air and eat barbecue with them. Otherwise, nada. Chase opts to side with the women, which earns him the undying hatred of the guys. And off we go.

At first it’s really close, but since we’re dealing with things like breaking through strong brick walls, the guys eventually pull ahead. (The first time the girls hit that brick wall, they bounce right off, which would have been funny if critical things like apple pie weren‘t involved.) Dan, of course, basically has to be carried through part of the course, but the guys eventually win. And as expected, the guys give Chase all sorts of smack for not picking them.

Interesting twist: Jeff asks the guys if any of them are willing to give up their spot so one of the girls can go, with Jeff pointing out that this is a social and strategic game. The guys take one millisecond to all say no. Jeff: See that? “Whatever alliances exist, they aren’t existing right now.” Word.

Marty in a sidebar: “Watching Chase join Jane was like watching the movie “Dumb and Dumber”. (Whatev, Marty. You’re such a jerk.)

Cut to the boys riding the zip lines. They seem to be having a good time and all, except for Dan. Even when riding something designed to make him go fast, he falls apart. He doesn’t even have to do anything, which is his specialty, but he still can’t handle it, inching along like it’s jello time at the old folks home.

They finally get to the food, where Marty promptly starts babbling about his plan to trick NaOnka and send Jane home. The guys all seem to be on board, but it’s hard to gauge their true feelings when they’re all shoving sausages in their mouths. (Danny eats and drinks more than anybody, because it’s HARD WORK doing nothing all day.)

Fabio, of all people (he’s not the sharpest fool in the bed), wonders what Brenda thinks of Chase, which is a good question. Brenda is pivotal. Marty doesn’t really care, like Chase is completely unimportant. Dan agrees about Chase. (“He’s a bad horse to ride.” Yep, Dan said that. Even the cameraman stumbles when he hears Dan saying somebody else is worthless.)

Sash in a sidebar: Marty’s plan makes sense, but “Brenda and I are the two smartest minds out here. In the end, she and I have the power to send whoever we want home.” (I’d still sleep with one eye open, Sash. It’s the people who relax and get too comfortable in this game that usually get hit with a blindside. Sayin.)

Back at camp, the girls all love on Chase for supporting them. Well, except for Brenda, in a sidebar: He didn’t make a smart move. He should have went with the guys. “Chase doesn‘t make smart moves, that‘s his problem.” (Really? Can you count, Brenda? The five girls plus Chase can trump any vote coming from the five other guys. Oh, wait. You and Sash are joined at the arrogant hip. My bad.)

Anyway, Brenda aside, they all want Marty out. Holly and Chase have a sidebar where they worry about Brenda, but they end the convo with Holly saying “You gotta trust her. That’s all you can do.” (No, you actually should do more than that, but I understand that you may not have time, since it takes so long for you to shove all that hair of yours under your buff.) Chase and NoOnka chat, with Chase still worried about Brenda. Nay warns him about upsetting Brenda: “Just don’t get on her nerves.”

Chase, not listening, proceeds to do just that, cornering Brenda on the beach and grilling her, while NaOnka sits nearby and shakes her head over the stupid farm boy. Cue Brenda in a sidebar: “Chase is like a little baby, always going waah-waah-waah.”

Next we have Marty walking up with tree mail about the next Immunity challenge, which is going to be a memory test. Jane in a sidebar: “Anybody needs to win, except for Marty.” Yep. Then Jane runs off to chop wood, plow a field and shoe some horses, all before supper.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Basically, Jeff is going to show them several images in a row. Then the players have to show him these same images back using a multi-sided cube. As soon as you mess up, you’re out. Jane, NaOnka, Dan, Holly, Kelly and Sash all drop in the first round. Fabio (yep, he made it this far, can you believe it?), Chase and Benry drop during the second round, with Marty and Brenda being the final two alive. Brenda wins. (Jane practically explodes with joy.)

Back at camp, the scrambling begins. We start with Fabio and Benry, wondering if their plan to evict Jane will work. Fabio actually says this line: “I hate playing stupid so much.” Uh huh. Anyway, they decide to lay low and see how it goes. Next up is Marty, Dan and Chase, with Marty telling Chase it’s going to be Nay. (Marty tries using a sports analogy that doesn’t really prove anything other than the fact that Marty plays different sports than anybody else.)

Shot of Marty on the beach, looking paranoid as hell, while Jane sits nearby, plotting his death.

Chase and Holly, with Holly wondering what Marty has said to him. Chase fesses that they’re saying NaOnka, but he thinks they plan to blindside Jane. (Smart man.) Holly: “So, who are you voting for?” Chase: “I’m voting for Marty.” Holly carries on this conversation by constantly shoving fruit in her mouth, so she might have some focus issues.

Marty runs up to Brenda, presenting his plan as “Sash’s plan”. That’s what everybody wants. (Brenda in a sidebar: “I agreed to it, but Marty’s not running the camp. Sash and I are running the camp.” )

Brenda and Sash get together, where they agree that Marty would probably be a good choice, but both of them are bothered by the fact that most of the camp wants Marty gone, and they don’t like “Jane demanding things”.

Seriously, they are mad that Marty wasn’t their own decision, even though they agree with it. What the hell? How more self-involved can you get? (Me? More than ready for Marty to go, but right behind that I can’t wait to see Brenda and Sash slam up against the wall of reality. Should be fun.) Sash actually says he’d prefer that Marty stay for a while because he’s a good cook.

What is wrong with these two?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff asks several questions, but it really comes down to one thing: NaOnka completely loses her mind. She snaps at Jeff, tears into Marty (“I don’t like him!”), rips into Fabio, and basically goes on an expletive-filled rant. Jeff: “I’m speechless. Something tells me that if you can go off like this, tribal after tribal, and you’re still here, I’m expecting you to still be sitting here at the final.”

Oh?

Time to vote.

Jeff asks about the Idol, and NaOnka doesn’t move. Something is up.

Jeff draws out the results.

Jane, Marty, Jane, Jane, Jane, Marty, Marty, Marty… and… another Marty. When Marty sees that fifth vote for him, the look of utter shock on his face is priceless. Smirking, Jeff reveals another vote for Marty, and that’s enough, he’s going home. It seems that Brenda and Sash decided that Marty wasn‘t that great a cook after all. (Jane winks at a grinning Alina on the jury.)

I crack a beer, because it’s time to celebrate.

In the previews for next week, everybody is standing around staring at the ground, totally shocked. Benry: “This is a day from hell.”

What?

Roll closing credits.

#178 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 8

We start out at the La Flor camp, with lovely shots of angry birds devouring the carcasses of dead animals. Real nice. Then we have Marty in a sidebar: “I’m a dead man walking.” Jill was a good player. “Now there are people left who have no right to be here.” Like you, Marty? Just asking.

Cut to Fabio wandering back into camp, waving tree mail. (How he even managed to find the tree mail is beyond anything I can comprehend.) Turns out that there’s a map and a key. It’s time for a merge! Everybody parties like it’s 1999, even though half the people in the tribe weren’t even born then.

Another sidebar with Marty: He thinks this merge is the greatest development ever. “I’m back in the saddle again!” Oh boy.

Roll opening credits.

Now we’re at the Espada camp, where folks stumble upon a big chest, with a note on top: Don’t open until you have the key. This gang also realizes that it’s merge time, and they have a mild celebration, although it’s not really clear if they even understand what a merge means. Benry in a sidebar: “Now we gotta start playing as individuals. And Alina has got to go.”

Dude, not sure that Alina should be your target right now. Oh wait. Your name is Benry, which is not a real name. It’s understandable if you have focus issues.

Alina tries to rally the rest of the tribe: If we all stick together, we’ll go far. Let’s get Marty!

Crickets chirp.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Nobody’s buying it.”

The La Flor tribe comes stumbling into the Espada camp, with the Espada folks stunned that Jill is gone. (So is Jill.) We zip to another Marty sidebar, because Marty is apparently the Russell in this season, getting all the camera time: “I have a new lease on life!” Thousands of people don’t cheer.

They open the mysterious chest, and find lots of food and brand-new buffs. Marty immediately dubs the new tribe “Libertad”. (It’s the Spanish word for freedom. Yay!) Everyone accepts this without discussion, so once again Marty has baffling powers over his tribe mates. They drag the chest back to camp and the feasting begins.

NaOnka in a sidebar: She babbles for a while about the wondrous joys of eating tasty food. Then, while detailing the fabulousness of some sausage she had, Nay compares the sausage to her fine booty, and then she toots.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, NaOnka actually broke wind on national TV. On purpose.

That right there goes a long way toward explaining so much about modern American society. No wonder the rest of the world doesn’t take us seriously anymore.

NaOnka, after her startling gaseous liberation, runs to find Brenda and spill some tea: You have to watch Alina. She don’t have an alliance. Brenda, unaware that Nay could easily kill her with a wave of her booty, spills as well about what has been going on since NaOnka had to go live with those horrid old people in the other camp. NaOnka: “It’s about to get real wicked!” up in here.

Um, I think it already did. Do you not see the birds dropping from the sky, gasping for breath?

Cut to Jane and Chase, with Jane running her country mouth about how she trained real dang hard to be on “Survivor”. And she owns a shotgun. (Chase in a sidebar: “She makes me miss my Momma.” Oh? Does your Momma have firearms as well? Is it required in your state?) Since they’re both from North Carolina, they decide that they completely love each other and will do anything to help each other along. At least for this episode.

Next we have NaOnka making tortillas at the campfire. She gets a little bent out of shape when her hooligan tribe mates eat all of the good tortillas and only leave her a nasty little one. So she decides to steal the sack of flour, so nobody can have tortillas again, ever. (Holly sees her do this.) We watch Nay stomp off into the jungle and bury the flour, mumbling incessantly to herself about how the world done her wrong.

But she doesn’t stop there. Nay slips back into camp and steals cooking utensils, frying pans, fruit, and one of Rupert’s tie-dye t-shirts. She dashes off to hide this loot as well. How can she possibly think this is a good idea? What is wrong with her?

Cut to a conversation between Alina and NaOnka. Alina: So, are you going to stay with the six of us (former La Flor) or get back with Brenda? (Very perceptive.) NaOnka, totally lying: Stay with the six, of course. Then Nay shows Alina all the crap that she stole. Alina seems to be a bit surprised by Nay’s actions, but this doesn’t stop her from sharing some of the fruit with Nay. NaOnka, sucking on an orange slice with ferocious intensity: “Everybody wants you out!” Alina is stunned, juice dribbling off her own chin. Why me?

NaOnka in a sidebar: I told her that just for the jury vote, so she think we tight because I warned her.

Back to the main camp, where folks are starting to realize that they got a whole mess of stuff gone AWOL. Holly calls out NaOnka. Yo, that flour you shoved in your Gucci bag before you run to the woods like the Po-Po comin’, did you put it back? Nay completely lies. Of course I put it back. Then Nay gets all huffy, mad that people are questioning her integrity. (Hello?) Fabio, of all people, completely loses it, and heated discussion ensues. Fabio cusses, Nay continues to deny, and Alina just stands there, wordless, wishing that all of this would just go away so she can go somewhere and change alliances once again.

Cut to Alina, Chase and NaOnka, trying to convince Nay to fess up. Chase: Everyone knows you did it.

Two minutes later, Nay marches into camp and does just that. To an extent. She admits to taking the flour, but only so she could “ration” it. And because Nay is Nay, she gets all street about it and snaps at the people who don’t buy her fake motive. This girl is just a twist away from a total meltdown.

Marty in a sidebar: Stealing food? On “Survivor”? Skank should go home. “But this game’s never simple”. True dat. But while we’re on the subject of what one shouldn’t do on “Survivor”, Marty, let’s review your performance. Oh, never mind, we don’t have time for that. We’d be here through the 2012 elections.

Brenda in a sidebar: “Alina confessed to being part of it. Sucks to be Alina right now.” (Actually, Brenda, Alina didn’t confess to squat, mainly because she didn’t do anything. Starting to really not like you even if your hair does look pretty in the fading sunlight.)

Chase, Sash, Brenda and Jane are sitting around, waiting for anything of the tiniest bit of interest to happen before the next challenge. They all decide that they need to distance themselves from NaOnka and her need to snatch and run. Then a bird flies overhead, and the three youngsters all scream and run for cover while Jane reaches for her trusty shotgun that isn’t there.

Sash in a sidebar: I need to take Nay to the Final Three. There is no way that anybody is going to vote for her after what she’s done. (Sash is quite confident that he’s going to be in this Final Three. I’m quite confident that Sash will be sent home before then because people are sick of his teeth being too white.)

Sash runs to NaOnka: Just keep acting like you are really sad about your crimes against nature. NaOnka nods, then seems to realize that her hairdo alone is one of those crimes, and she might have a tough sell.

Meanwhile, Jane keeps catching fish like they are falling from the sky, and she sashays into camp with her latest catch, doing one of her silly dances that somebody back on the farm ignorantly blessed as something she should actually do again. (Shot of Marty and Benry and… one of the other guys, I don’t remember… making fun of Jane. Yet they are laying on their asses in the camp hut while Jane feeds them all. I’m actually starting to really root for Jane over these lazy, self-centered, extremely egotistical losers. But I’m not bitter.)

Marty in a sidebar: Jane is a cancer. She’s got to go. (Then Marty pauses to wait for hundreds of people to applaud his wisdom. This does not immediately happen.)

Marty runs to tell Brenda that Jane is the devil incarnate. Brenda just nods and waits for the camera to stop filming their conversation.

Brenda in a sidebar: Marty has the wrong impression of Jane. Maybe we need to get rid of that at Tribal. (I’m assuming that “that” is Marty, but it’s not clear.)

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: You have to use these metal handles to keep tension on a steel bar. If you don’t keep the pressure up, the bar will fall and break a tile, and you’re out. Oh, and the last man AND woman standing will win Immunity. Ready, GO!

Within two seconds, Kelly Purple drops her rod. Within three seconds, Dan drops his. (Dude can’t blame his leg for this one. He’s just worthless all the way around.) As time goes on, they drop in this order: Alina, Brenda, Benry, Sash, NaOnka, and Holly. Which means that Jane is the last woman standing and wins Immunity.

But she doesn’t want to give up. Jane: “What if I want to beat them?” (The three remaining guys.) Jeff, possibly turned-on by Jane’s stamina, lets her continue. Marty drops, followed by Chase, meaning that Fabio wins the Guy Immunity. Fabio lets loose of his rod, but Jane doesn’t. She shifts to the side before letting go. “I don’t want to break my tile.”

Jane outlasted all the guys. It’s official, I think I’m in love and want her to win.

Quick scene with everybody marching back to camp, and Marty is royally pissed that Jane is safe at the next Tribal. Good.

Once at camp, Jane gathers all the females and pretends to just be celebrating her win, but she whispers to them “I only wanted to beat Marty. He’s my number one choice to evict.” The rest of the girls play along, laughing and pretending that nothing sinister is going on.

Scene with Purple Kelly, Jane and Alina. It seems that all the girls would love for Marty to go home. (Jane has a small orgasm upon hearing this news.) They just need to convince Sash so they can have the extra vote they need.

Scene with Jane, NaOnka, Chase and Holly. Yep, they want Marty gone.

Then, stupidly, Chase runs to tell Dan, of all people, that it’s going to be “Marty or Alina.” Chase, you idiot, this kind of dumb-assedness is why people are leery of folks from North Carolina. You are not representing well here.

Sash marches up to Jane and Chase: I promised. I have to give the Idol back to Marty if I think he‘s in danger. Don’t make me go back on my word. (Sash, do you want to win or not? That’s the question.) Jane: Then give me the Idol. You won’t have it to give it back. Sash, of course, has no intention of doing so.

Jane in a sidebar: She’s very mad about this “Idol Gives Back” agreement. “I am NOT voting for Alina.” I can’t vote for someone that I don’t think deserves to go home.

Have I mentioned that I’m sweet on Jane at the moment? Love her.

Dan runs (okay, he hobbles) to Marty, which we totally expected, spilling about what Chase told him, that it’s Marty or Alina going home. Marty immediately goes into Paranoia Mode.

Marty runs to Sash. What’s going on? Sash assures Marty that he’s not in danger.

This is not good enough for Marty. He corners Sash and Brenda. What’s going on? Dan said Chase said such and such. Sash and Brenda act like they have no idea what Chase is talking about. Marty, because he really thinks highly of himself, then starts bellowing that if anybody tries to vote him out, he will crush them. Really? With what, Marty? The Idol that you no longer have?

Scene with Alina, Jane and Holly, with all of them realizing that they probably don’t have Sash’s vote. Go to Plan B. Alina: Let’s get Fabio to vote our way. (Fabio? He has issues with remembering how to breathe.)

But Alina goes to him anyway. “Vote Marty.” Fabio: I thought we were voting NaOnka first. (Oh please. Nay has a freakin Idol. Are you not paying any attention whatsoever, Fabio?) Alina, realizing that she should use Fabio‘s stupidity to her advantage, encourages Fab to vote for Nay since it will help her cause in the end. Fabio then goes on a mindless rant about not wanting to vote for Marty. Alina tries to be a trooper and appear to be interested in his thoughts, but she finally gives up and wanders away. Fabio doesn’t even notice.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Holly: “Is the game changing?”

Holly: Yep. People will do anything to get ahead. At this point, you can’t just agree with everyone, you have to take risks.

I’m stunned that Holly actually has some insight. Did she figure this out on her own, or did she stumble across a copy of the script while sneaking onto Jeff’s yacht in order to sink one of his over-starched shirts?

Then Marty has to jump in: “I want to clear the air.” Then he rips into Jane, going way beyond reality and clearly proving that he is just an arrogant ass. “If she makes it to the Final Three, I will vote for her” because she has fooled all these people.

Jeff to Alina: Did Marty just hurt himself?

Alina: He just posed himself as the biggest threat. (Not the greatest grammar, but point taken.)

Dan, being his usual worthless self and acting like a five-year-old: “Alina and NaOnka took food!”

NaOnka: “I’M the one that took the food.” Alina didn’t have squat to do with that mess.

Jeff, apparently not hearing what Nay just said, or even bothering to review the episode that we just watched, to Alina: What do you do to get this stigma off of you?

Alina: I’m not a threat. I’m just a pawn. And people can use pawns to get the votes they need.

Very good point. But is anybody listening?

Time to vote.

Two votes for Marty (Jane and Alina). Everybody else votes for Alina.

Jeff: Alina will be the first member of the jury. But it seems that you are “still making decisions as a group. That will have to give.”

At this point, Jane should just whip out that shotgun of hers and demand the prize money. Nobody else deserves it.

Roll end credits.

#177 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 7

We start out at the Espada camp, right after they’ve stupidly sent Yve home instead of worthless Dan. Amazingly, some of them are loving on Danny, glad that he’s still here. Dan is even calling himself “Teflon Dan”, convinced he’s in it for the long run. Blech. (Chase in a sidebar: “It’s going to be a tough pill to swallow” if Dan costs us the next competition. Um, maybe you should have thought of that before you voted.)

Next we have Chase, NaOnka and Holly off to the side. Chase: Alina is next. The girls nod enthusiastically, and then conversation come to a complete halt as Chase and Nay realize that Holly still has her bathing suit on backwards and they’re too tired to bring it up.

Cut to the La Flor tribe, right after they’ve crudely sent home Kelly B because she was brazen enough to come on “Survivor” with a metal leg. Marty and Jill confront Sash about the vote. What just happened? Sash at first tries to act like he doesn’t know what they’re talking about, then finally weakly hints that the Idol had something to do with it. Then Sash runs off to look at his reflection in the water.

Marty in a sidebar: Jane is a miserable wretch and she has to go. Then Marty runs to look at his reflection in the water, sees Sash already doing that, gets extremely jealous, and tries to vote Jimmy Johnson out. Oh wait, I might be a little bit confused.

Roll opening credits.

Back to the La Flor tribe, where Marty confronts Jane. Marty: I never lied to you, I never misrepresented you, I never wrote your name down, and I never suggested your name.

Jane: That there was a whole lot of words so I really don’t know what you’re hollerin’ about. But I never had a clue.

Marty: I think you wrote my name down.

Jane just cackles and runs off to the Cornpone Festival on a nearby island.

Marty runs to Jill and shares the conversation he had with Jane. Of course, Marty makes it sound like Tokyo Jane whipped out a machete and tried to hack him to death and he barely escaped with his life, because Marty is all about understatement and subtlety.

Jill in a sidebar: Marty and I are scrambling to stay alive. Hmmm. I wouldn’t call it scrambling. I’d call it both of you sitting around and not networking. Fair?

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Jeff describes the prize as a “Nicaraguan Farm Experience”. (What the hell? Was this an early Jimmy Hendrix band?) Nope, the winning tribe apparently gets to ride horses and then gets to eat breakfast as well as drink milk that they have collected from cows. You can tell by the confused expressions that half the people thought milk came from plastic bottles, not cows.

Anyway, the tribes have to run down this little ramp, leap through the air, throw a ball at a net, then splash into a primitive swimming pool. Trouble is, one person from the other tribe is standing on a platform between you and the net, trying to swat away your efforts. Chase and Fabio are the defenders, and everybody else is hurling. And we’re off.

Some highlights: Marty manages to nail Chase right in the privates, probably because people aren’t paying enough attention to his own testosterone. Danny pathetically stops at the end of the ramp, weakly tosses the ball, and then falls in the water. He misses, but Jeff warns him: It will not count if you don’t jump. Oh, and Fabio pees in the pool, which totally mortifies everyone. (Like they never have, but still, Fabio dude, why did you have to talk about it?)

In the end, Espada wins Reward. Cheering on their part ensues.

In a sidebar, Purple Kelly admits to being confused about how you “milk your own milk”. Those poor cows don’t know what’s coming. Has anyone cleared this with PETA?

Over to the La Flor camp, where we see Jane fishing, alone. While she doesn’t catch anything, she rattles on about “the word quit is not in my vocabulary”, she’s trying to stay in good graces with the youngsters, and they can “lounge around all they want as long as they think I’m important”. We then see several shots of the youngsters lying about the camp, waiting for someone to walk up and hand them food. No one does.

Sash in a sidebar: The old people can feed me all they want, but in the end it’s about how loyal you are to me. (Gee, he’s not arrogant at all, is he? A real saint.)

Cut to the Espada tribe astride horses plodding along some trail. (Chase in a sidebar: “Riding horses reminds me of God.” Oh? Just what church do you go to? Saint McDonald’s?) The tribe eventually rides up to a farm and everybody falls off their horses. (NaOnka’s horse looks especially displeased, so no telling what Nay did to the poor thing on the way over.)

Time to milk the cows, who look especially thin and haggard. (You’d think the casting department would have done a better job. Then again, they aren’t so good at picking out humans, either.) Shots of people tugging and pulling while the cows politely tolerate them.

NaOnka, detailing her unenthusiastic attempt at milk squirting: “I don’t play with animals’ nipples trying to get milk out.” Oh my.

Back to the La Flor camp, where we are treated to a montage of everybody else doing nothing while Jane continues to fish. She eventually snags one, then decides to race into the woods and cook it up for herself. In a very extended monologue, she rambles on about how people don’t give her enough credit, and that she deserves to have this solitary meal. Of course, her vocal delivery is full of garbled, homespun phrases so I don’t really get everything she says. She may have actually been talking about giving birth to triplets for all I know.

More of the Espada tribe at the local farm, where they are dining on fresh cheese and fruits and fixins, while the locals stand around in that confused way the locals always do when the “Survivor” behemoth rolls into a remote town and tells folks to do something authentic and native. Holly starts babbling about how this spread reminds her of home, then she burst into emotional tears, followed by Alina joining the waterworks.

Surprisingly, even NaOnka seems to tear up, showing that she might have a heart that actually beats. (Then she ruins it in a sidebar, bitter about Holly and Alina trying to look like they were bonding: “I can play that game”. She was faking it.) NaOnka’s horse whinnies from the sidelines, indicating that Nay does indeed play, just not in a nice way. The horse then speaks with the ranch foreman about his mental health benefits and a possible medical leave.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains what the tribes will do: Two people stand on a tower, and roll balls down a chute. 4 members of the tribe will pull on ropes to adjust the chute. The goal is to direct the balls so they will break 5 tiles that belong to the other tribe. Winning tribe gets immunity, losing tribe has to stand there and look sad.

Off we go, and it’s really not a contest. Almost immediately, the La Flor tribe starts arguing about how to do things. (If you were to guess that Marty was part of the problem, you’d get a gold star.) Espada easily wins.

Jill in a sidebar: Marty has the Idol, so it’s probably me. Dramatic music ensues, shots of creepy animals doing slithery things in the forest.

La Flor camp.

Marty hangs his Idol on a tree again, just so everybody can remember that he has it. Of course they remember. You haven’t stopped talking about it since you found it.

The youngsters and Jane gather for a confab. Sash spells it out: We vote 3 for Marty (hoping to flush the Idol), 2 for Jill. This will lead to a tie between Jill and whoever Marty and Jill finger. Then they all vote Jill.

Another sidebar with Jane, where she explains that she really, really, really can’t stand Marty and Jill. Wants them gone. Got it.

Back to Sash and Our Gang. Sash: What if I go to Marty, tell him this plan, then counter-offer by asking Marty to give me the Idol, and promise to vote for Jane. Then we actually vote Marty out. Hurray! Everyone’s eyes sparkle at this bit of treachery and deception. Then they all lay back down, because talking is such hard work. Except for Jane. She runs off into a nearby field to build a log cabin.

Brenda and Sash on the beach, positioning themselves so that the fading sunlight emphasizes their pleasing bone structure. Sash: If we play this plan, Jill won’t trust us. Brenda: So?

Fine. So Sash moseys up to Marty, and kicks the plan into gear, using phrases like “look you in the eye man-to-man” and “shake on it”. (Words that, if you’ve ever watched the show, should be total warning signs.) Marty: I’ll just go home next week. Sash: “If we lose Immunity next week, I’ll give the Idol back.” Marty and his hair seem to seriously contemplate this possibility.

Marty in a sidebar: “I feel completely powerless!” (To be fair, you basically always were. You just didn’t want to face the fact.)

Amazingly, Marty gives the Idol to Sash. (Say it with me, folks: Dumb-ass.)

Marty in a sidebar: This might give me another cycle in the game. (So would keeping the Idol and playing it to save yourself. Hello?)

Sash in a sidebar, full of that annoying arrogance: “I don’t even have to dig, people will just hand me Idols.” (Remind anyone of Russell from seasons past? Thought so.)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Fabio: Back-to-back losses. Does this tribe still have momentum?

Fabio has no idea what momentum might be.

Jeff to Jane: The last Tribal was crazy. What was the vibe afterwards?

Jane: We talked, and we know what we need to do. (Then she guts a fish and snacks on it, raw, for the rest of Tribal.)

Jeff to Jane: Do the outsiders in the tribe know who they are?

Jane, using her knife to pick at her teeth, because she‘s so classy: Yes.

Marty: Jane’s a flipper. (I can’t help it, I immediately think of dolphins and cheesy 60’s TV shows.)

Jane: When we became yellow, I became yellow. (That can be taken so many ways.)

Jeff to Marty: Any Idol talk?

Marty praises himself about not playing the Idol the last time and doesn’t really answer the question.

Sash: “The Idol is in my pocket.”

Jeff is astonished. What’s going on here? (Are we seriously supposed to believe that Jeff didn’t already know this? Is it THAT hard to get out of your deluxe trailer and talk to some of your production people?) How do the rest of you feel about Sash having the Idol?

Fabio, hopefully not peeing as he sits there: “WE have the Idol.”

Jeff: We? Do you really? Brenda?

Brenda, looking as if she’s not quite sure what her name might be: “We’re fine.”

Jeff to Sash: “Then give the Idol to Brenda.” (Really? Jeff is feeling pretty frisky.)

Sash: “If someday I don’t trust them… I mean, if they don’t trust me-”

Jeff jumps on this. Jeff to Fabio: Do you know what a Freudian slip is?

Fabio stuns everyone (or at least me) by actually understanding. Sometimes things you want to hide slip out.

Moment of silence while everyone has to reconsider what they might know about Fabio.

Jane breaks the spell: “Any time you give up the Idol, it bites you in the end.”

Time to vote.

2 votes for Jane, 2 votes for Marty, 3 for Jill.

Wow. Really thought Marty was done.

Just what are Sash and Brenda up to? Do they even know?

Roll end credits.

#176 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 6

For whatever reason, we don’t start out with the traditional “march of shame” as the losing tribe wanders back to their camp after having sent someone home. (Which means nothing happened that was the least bit juicy, because these producers will show us anything that’s minimally exciting.) Instead, it’s already the next morning at the Espada camp.

And Mother Nature is in a mood. Winds are blowing, tides are roaring, and people are running about looking dissatisfied and slightly concerned that Dorothy and Toto might drop out of the sky at any moment. Danny hobbles up to Holly, and fesses that he’s thinking of quitting the game. Holly looks at him as if she has no idea who he might be.

Holly in a sidebar: He needs to suck it up and finish the game. (This from the woman who recently spent an entire episode wallering in the sand and crying because she couldn’t deal with using dead leaves as toilet paper and just wanted to go home. Delusional much?)

Roll opening credits.

We’re still at the Espada camp, with Holly and Yve gathering firewood, both of them only holding a few twigs because between the two of them they only weight about 20 pounds. Yve: Why was I left out of the thing to send Tyrone home? Holly: We thought you were in an alliance with Tyrone. Yve: Are you crazy? Holly: Well, maybe you need to be more open and honest. (This from the woman who thought it was okay to sink somebody’s shoes in the lagoon while Gilligan and Mary Ann were building a hut.) And, oh yeah, Danny wants to go home.

Yve just looks at Holly like she can’t trust anything that ever comes out of Crazy-Eyed Woman’s mouth. Good, because Holly lost contact with reality a long time ago.

Cut to the La Flor tribe. Marty and Jill are sitting about, with both of them pretending that the younger members of their new tribe are starting to warm up to them. (They are not.) Jill in a sidebar: “They’d get rid of us in a heartbeat.” Probably so. But what’s more important to me? Both of them have spiky hairdos that scare me. You could lose an arm sleeping next to them.

Brenda in a sidebar, WAY over-confident and on the verge of me not caring for her anymore, speaking of who’s running the show in the La Flor camp: “It’s the younger tribe. Plus Jane.” We have the numbers. We’re going to vote 3 for Marty, 3 for Jill, and flush the Idol out. Then Brenda pauses to pose for the latest “Survivor Women Who Might Be in for a Big Surprise” calendar.

Time for a challenge, and both tribes march into the clearing. Jeff announces that it’s going to be an Immunity Challenge. (Really? It’s way too early in the episode for that. Something’s up.) Then Jeff startles everybody by revealing two Individual Immunity necklaces. Both tribes will be going to Tribal, and both tribes will send someone home. Uh oh. (The La Flor tribe pauses in their arrogance, their faces falling as they realize that their youthfulness and low body fat will not save them this time.)

Jeff explains. Each tribe will compete separately. Each person has to dig in the sand for these ring things, use a wood thing to flip the ring into a toilet (that’s what it looked like to me) strapped to their back, and then run to hang the ring on a post. First person to get three rings on the post wins Immunity.

In the second part of this very-complicated challenge, the winners from each tribe will then compete in a festive ring toss, with the winner gaining a Reward for their tribe. The Reward involves getting to be the first group at Tribal Council, where they send someone home, and then they get to eat a feast while the losing tribe sends their own person home. Survivors ready?

Espada is up first. I know this is really serious for them, but I’m rolling on the floor watching people run around with miniature toilets on their back and trying to flip a ring into the potty. (Jeff makes sure to holler out: “And Dan’s still getting nowhere.“ Jeff doesn‘t care for Danny. Danny doesn‘t care, period.) Stunning everyone, wild-eyed Holly wins.

Next up is La Flor, with more bouncing toilets as people realize it’s not all that easy to flip objects through the air and catch them with your backside. In another surprise, Jill wins. So much for the youngsters dominating this game. The kiddies all wander around in confusion, because they really expected all the old people to be dead by now.

Final part of the competition, with Holly and Jill hurling rings and trying to get them to catch on hooks. Jill wins again, but Holly is right there behind her. The La Flor tribe will be feasting and watching the other gang rip and tear at each other during Tribal.

Cut to the La Flor camp, where everybody is all happy and joyous. (Perhaps the MTV crowd hasn’t realized that they still have to send one of their own home.) There’s whooping and hollering and people doing group high-fives.

Brenda in a sidebar: “That was totally fake.” We are NOT family, and we don’t have all our sisters with us. This is the worst case scenario, with Jill winning Immunity, but “we’ll still vote someone out that we don’t want”.

Really? How are you going to do that? Marty and Jill both have Idols.

Cue Brenda and Sash in a conversation, showing that they don’t just hate the old people in the tribe. Sash: We’ll do 3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B. And we’ll tell Kelly B that we’re voting for Jane. (Once again, they’re hating on Kelly B because of that leg of hers. The humanity has been sucked out of these people. Then again, I’m still watching the show, so I guess I’m part of the problem and not part of the solution. My bad.)

Brenda runs to tell Kelly B the lie about everybody voting for Jane. Poor Kelly B. She nods her head in agreement. Then Brenda runs back to wherever it is that she and her conscience can live with themselves.

Brenda in a sidebar: This is all a little complicated. You never know what Fabio will do. Then Brenda pauses to pose for the “Women of Survivor with No Soul” calendar.

Next we have a scene with Marty and Fabio. Marty tells Fab the he’s some huge chess grandmaster, having beat some famous guy twice. (Fabio sucks it all in, because he wouldn’t know a chess player from a coconut.) Marty: If you wanna win this game, you come talk to me. Then Marty strokes his own ego so loudly that birds fly away from nearby trees.

Fabio in a sidebar: The chess player thing “makes sense!” Marty is SO smart. (No, you’re just stupid. How did you manage to get on the plane that brought you to this island?)

Cut to the Espada camp, where everybody is really sad. Which I don’t really get. Yes, they don’t get to eat, and they have to send someone home, but the other tribe has to say audios as well. (They get to eat, which sucks, but that’s the only leg-up they have on you.) Holly is making a big production about “how close” she was to winning the Reward. No one really cares, because Holly still has issues with how to properly wear a bathing suit, and that’s more frightening than anything else in the jungle.

Holly in a sidebar: “I’ll have to vote with the younger tribe members. It’s going to be Dan or Yve.” Then Holly has to turn away from the camera while she takes a call from her home planet.

Next up, Holly and Dan are walking along with buckets, because there’s nothing else to do around here so you might as well wander around with empty containers. Dan has decided that he wants to stay after all. Holly just looks at him. Dude, you have got to make up your mind. Then she gets distracted by the fact that there’s actually sand on the beach. Who knew?

Benry and Chase, trying to decide between Dan and Yve. Benry: I’d rather take Dan with us further in the game. (You would? Why?)

Benry in a sidebar: “Yve has got to go.”

Chase in a sidebar: “I want to keep Yve.” I don’t trust Benry. NaOnka is the only one I trust. (I agree with you on keeping Yve. But NaOnka? What’s up with that? Nay Girl has some serious reality conflicts. Then again, who on Survivor doesn’t?)

Chase and NaOnka: They both want Dan to go. No hesitation.

Yve in a sidebar: “It’s going to be me or Dan.” Then she pauses and has to deal with yet another person running up and asking why her head seems so oddly-shaped.

Yve runs to NaOnka and Alina. Yve: I don’t want to go. Holly said Dan wants to go. If we make it to the merge, I know the old Espada tribe and I can help you out.

Alina in a sidebar, which she doesn’t deserve because she’s worthless: Yve knows the old Espada tribe? That’s the perfect argument to get rid of her. (No, it’s not. Yve can be your ally in all this mess. Seriously, is there a checkbox on the “Survivor” application form that says “I am incapable of rational thought. I will do stupid things because I can’t think ahead. And I have large breasts. Love me.”)

New scene with Danny snoozing away in the camp hut, obviously proving his worthlessness. Holly, Chase and NaOnka are standing about, watching his un-productivity. Out of nowhere, Chase states that he is not sure about sending Danny home. What the hell? The other two girls just stare at Chase. Why can’t people make a decision and just stick to it? God.

La Flor tribe, where Brenda is babbling to Jane: “In our plan, you just gotta vote for Marty.” Jane doesn’t bother with details like “what exactly IS the plan?” or “what’s in it for me?”. She just nods her head and then tries to figure out exactly what has happened to her hair that makes it look like road kill.

Jane in a sidebar: Marty and Jill have been conniving against me since Day One. (Not really. Perhaps the better statement would be “I’m going to jump on any ship that will get me past the next Tribal Council. Because I’m from the sticks, and I cackle at things that aren’t really funny. I need help.”)

Sash and Fabio in a confab, which is really a stretch because Fabio still hasn’t even realized that the game has started. He thinks they keep going to the beach to look for clams, not to actually win competitions. Sash: “We need to flush the Idol. 3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B.” Fabio: “What?”

Fabio in a sidebar: “What?” I want Marty to stay.

Sash in a sidebar: This Fabio thing? Something could go wrong.

Word.

Scene with Sash, Fabio and Marty. Sash and Fabio (well, really just Sash, because Fabio is still confused by things like daylight and wind) are trying to convince Marty that Jane is the target. Marty nods, his porcupine hair slicing the roof of the hut into shreds.

Marty runs to Brenda. “So it’s Jane?” Brenda nods wisely, then pauses to pose for the “Survivor Women Who Will Eventually Trip Over Their Own Lies” calendar.

Brenda in a sidebar: “It all depends on Marty playing the Idol.” (Ya think?)

Sash runs to Brenda: Fabio’s not sure about voting Marty out. (To be fair, Fabio’s not sure a lot of things, like clouds and miniature golf.)

Marty in a sidebar: He feels like Jane’s a lock, so he’s not going to play the Idol.

Time for the La Flor Tribal.

First there’s a bit of general chit-chat, then Jeff goes after Marty, concentrating on him being over-confident and showing everybody the Idol. Marty tries to put a spin on it, saying he did it for “trust”.

Brenda: “He’s trying to make it more noble than it really is.” (Marty turns and glares at Brenda like she just did something offensive with a crucifix.)

Jeff to Jane: “Do you feel safe?”

Brenda again: “She has to worry about Jill and Marty voting her out.” (What? Why’d she go and say that? Is she trying to unnerve Marty and flush the Idol? Not sure.)

This leads to a heated discussion between Brenda and Marty, with Brenda showing that she can be creative with the truth and Marty showing that he really thinks he’s just the greatest thing in the world. At the end of this mess, Marty turns to Jane and whispers “vote Brenda”. Jane whispers back “who the hell is Brenda?”

Time to Vote. Everybody traipses off to do their thing. Then Jeff: Anybody want to play an Idol before I reveal? Everybody turns to look at Marty, including several natives walking by on the beach. Marty just sits there. Okay, then.

3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B (this was planned), and 2 votes for Brenda (those would be coming from Marty and Jill). We have a tie.

Jeff: Okay, we’re voting again. Marty and Kelly B can’t vote.

1 vote for Marty, and then it appears that everybody else voted for Kelly B. She’s gone.

What just happened? These fools voted to keep Marty? And he still has the safety of his Idol? Not a smart move here, folks.

Time for the Espada Tribal.

Jeff spends a long time torturing the Espada tribe about the La Flor tribe getting to chow down on food while they have nothing. (Jeff has a bit of an evil streak in him.) Then Jeff gets down to business. To Dan: You okay with going home? Dan: No. I want to stay more than anything in the world.

Yve: He’s saying that now. Back at camp, he won’t shut up about wanting to go home. (Which is true.)

Jeff to Dan: Aren’t you a liability in challenges?

Dan: Nope.

Yve: Yes, he is.

Jeff to Dan: Why not send Yve home?

Dan: We should. She’s arrogant.

She’s arrogant? Oh no. Sparks fly between Yve and Danny. She is intelligent and ably defends herself, he’s just an idiot with an unjustified ego. He comes off looking really bad, but Alina and Benry (I don’t trust either of them) actually come to Danny’s defense. Something’s in the air, and I don’t like the smell of it.

Time to vote, and that “something” becomes clear: Yve is voted out.

Jeff: Based on the vote, the tribe appears unified. Based on what I heard? Not so much.

Roll end credits.

#175 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 5

We start out at the Espada camp, with people standing around after they have evicted (well, some of them) Jimmy T. Interestingly enough, Holly is babbling about Jimmy T being a really good guy, with Yve and Jill chiming in that, yep, he sure was. (Did Yve and Jill fall and hit their heads on the way back from Tribal? They voted to send Jimmy home.) Then the three of them just stand there with nothing else to say, because they’ve now talked about the only thing they have in common.

Holly in a sidebar, the insanity in her eyes made even more prominent by the night-vision cameras: “I know I’m on the outs. And something has to change.” Agreed. Let’s start with you coming back to this planet and taking a class on how to be not so annoying.

Roll opening credits.

Still at the Espada camp, the next morning. Marty, another player with reality issues, has a sidebar: “Tribal was a slam-dunk. I’m in control of this tribe now.” Then he gets quiet as the voices in his head fight for his attention.

Marty runs to Dan: We are so golden right now. “I can’t imagine anything can go wrong. Holly’s next.” Dan just stands there and nods his head, because doing anything else would require him to take a nap. Marty: “Something really whacked would have to happen to disturb our plans.”

Lighting a votive for whacked things to happen within the next hour.

Cut to the La Flor camp. There’s still tons of people left over here, but you wouldn’t know it with the way they are featuring NaOnka. In a sidebar: “I love my tribe!” You do? “These are the best people ever!” They are? “I’m just so happy to be here!”

Clearly, someone has kidnapped the real NaOnka and thrown her ass into a crocodile pit. Where she probably proceeded to kill all of them just by looking at them.

Time for a challenge. It’s not immediately clear what type of challenge it is. But at least the La Flor tribe doesn’t do one of their stupid Oompa Loompa dances as they traipse into the clearing. They do, however, seem to be surprised that Espada sent Jimmy T home. Then again, when you’re only 12 years old, everything is new and surprising.

Jeff: “Drop your buffs!”

Oh?

Jeff: “We’re going to draw for new captains.” So they do the “take a stone from a bag but don’t look at it yet” thing, with Brenda and Holly becoming the new captains and getting to decide who ends up on what tribe. (The shot of Marty realizing that Holly has power made the whole episode worth it. He looks like he’s ready to rip his own eyes out and impale himself on a camera tripod.)

This gets complicated. Jane, Jill and Marty end up going to the La Flor tribe. Benry, NaOnka, Chase and Alina go to the Espada tribe. Everybody else stays where they were. Both of the newly designed tribes pretend like they are all best friends, but you can see by the look in their eyes that nobody is very happy about having to lie to new set of people. They glare at Jeff as if he invented syphilis. (And maybe he did. I wasn’t there, can’t really say.)

Jeff: “The old versus young thing is done. The Medallion of Power is done.” (On that second bit, we see open sobbing and rending of hair.) “It’s a brand new game.”

Finally, we get to the challenge, which is for Reward, with the winners getting two chickens and a rooster. (By the joyous screams from both tribes, you’d think they were playing for the chance to sleep with Brad Pitt.) In this game, there’s a giant primitive pinball machine, with one tribe rolling balls up a chute, the ball trickles down past bumpers that can divert the ball at any point, and two members from the other tribe try to catch the ball. If you drop a ball, the other tribe gets a point. 3 points wins.

Off we go, with things being fairly close for a while. But in the end, the newly-formed Espada tribe wins, mainly because dumb-ass Marty on the La Flor tribe keeps dropping his ball. No one on La Flor really complains about his ineptitude, which means that, even though he’s only been on the new tribe for roughly two minutes, he’s already mesmerized the new tribe with his Bart Simpson hair.

Cut to the Espada camp. First we have Tyrone in a sidebar. (“I’d rather have stayed with the older tribe. But now we have pretty girls running around.” Really? That’s a good thing to focus on, Ty. Way to represent.) Then Tyrone takes an aggressive leadership roll, explaining to the new kiddies how they do things in the Espada camp. Of course this doesn’t go over well with the youngsters.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Don’t think you a G.” Huh? “G means gangsta.” Oh. My bad. Didn’t know. But really, gangsta? How is telling you that you can’t lay around on your ass all day “gangsta”?

Then we have Holly in a sidebar: “I’m reborn!” Yep. You lucked out, sister.

This is followed by NaOnka (the queen of negativity and bitter harping about everybody) telling Holly: “I love your energy!”

Nay, girl, Holly has that energy because she is completely insane. Run like you ain’t never run before.

Holly in a sidebar: “If the kids come to me with an idea, I’m with them.” Then Holly gets distracted by the wind blowing, and she turns to a coconut and blames it for everything that has ever happened in her life. The coconut wisely chooses to remain silent, and then rolls down the beach for his own sidebar. “Holly scares me,” the coconut says, a milk tear running down his shell while Jeff Probst signals for Medical to rush in and take care of things.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “I’m going wherever the numbers go. Alina and I have to make do with what we have.” Oh? You like Alina now? You hated her two seconds ago.

Back to the La Flor tribe. Jud/Fabio in a sidebar: He’s all psyched that there are only 3 Espada members in the tribe, and 5 original La Flor folks. Then he gets very quiet, not sure if this is a good thing, because that math business is really hard.

Jane in a sidebar: “I like these kids.” Then she runs to tell Brenda and… not sure, somebody else was standing there… “don’t trust Marty and Jill.” Brenda just looks at her, because Jane is old, and Brenda is assuming that the mind goes after 30. Which it does, but we don’t need to confirm that, so Brenda can experience the terror on her own in a few years.

Scene with Marty and Jud, where Marty is fishing to see if anybody on the old La Flor tribe found the Immunity Idol. Jud doesn’t really know what this is, but he does fess that NaOnka found something, after knocking Kelly B down and smashing some bananas. Marty takes this intel and runs.

He gathers the tribe, and then compares NaOnka to a cancer that should have been cut out. You can tell that the younger tribe members are trying to listen, but they really don‘t care. Then Marty fesses up that he has his own Immunity Idol. This gets their attention.

Brenda in a sidebar: “Marty is SO arrogant. Showing us the Idol. Are you stupid? That’s the dumbest thing ever!”

Well, no, it’s not the dumbest thing ever, perhaps you haven’t really watched this show before. But as long as you’re hating on Marty, go all out.

Back to the Espada camp, where it’s raining. And it continues to do so for quite a long time, making everybody snappy and uncouth. (Look, you whiners, at least you get to lay down. Those poor camera people have to stand there, completely soaked, waiting for you to do anything of interest whatsoever, so the producers can take a tiny moment of nothing and use it in a promo ad to look like something really important happened, but didn’t really.)

NaOnka in a sidebar: “I don’t like rain. I don’t like cold. I’m not doing well. I could lose it.” (Honey, you done lost it a long time ago. Don’t waste your time even looking for it, because it’s not coming back.)

Nay fesses to Alina that she’s ready to quit the game.

Alina in a sidebar: “Nay is on her period ALL the time. But that’s better for me in the long run. Hayyy.”

Alina, totally faking her support for Nay: “You have the rest of your life to be warm.” Chase wanders up and tries to be supportive as well, telling a touching story about a rainbow and his dad. (You had to be there.) Nay doesn’t care. She just wants to whine and moan.

And it keeps raining. All day. All night. We see NaOnka wake up in the middle of the night and slam a pillow into her head, crying. This action doesn’t kill her, so there’s going to be more whining. Hurray.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff to Marty: “How are things in your new camp?” Marty calls it the “Taj Mahal of camps”, immediately pissing off everybody left in his old tribe. Jane chimes in as well, extolling the virtues of the glorious La Flor camp and doing a frightening happy dance that terrifies anyone watching.

Jeff: Whatever.

Anyway, this challenge has three members from each tribe strapped to a rotating wheel. Other members rotate this wheel, causing the strapped people to be plunged into a tank of water, where they have to get a mouthful of such, then wait until they spin to the top of the wheel and spit the water into a tube. When the tube fills up, a ball is released, which allows other tribe members to throw the ball at tiles. First team to break five tiles wins. Got it?

Off we go. It’s actually very tight. First off, let’s just say that Jane can throw a mean ball. Perhaps she really hates ceramic tiles. But in the end, La Flor triumphs. Somebody from Espada is going home.

Nay in a sidebar: “Espada’s cursed! But I’m not nervous about Tribal, I want to go.” Then go tell people that, and make it easier for everybody, okay?

Meanwhile, most of the Espada tribe is hankering to kill one of the chickens for a nice feast. Tyrone is not happy about this. He wants to keep the chickens for their daily egg output. He has a point, but he’s also Tyrone. Diplomacy is not one of his special skills.

Holly in a sidebar (I’m amazed that she even knows what a camera is): “We need to start standing up to Tyrone!” Then Holly is startled by a passing seagull, and she runs screaming into the jungle in search of expensive shoes that she can sink in the ocean.

Anyway, the Espada tribe votes about dinner, and the chicken loses. People dash about preparing the meal.

Benry in a sidebar: “Tyrone won’t help with cooking the bird, but he’s right there when it’s time to eat.” And we see this, with Tyrone basically eating half of the bird while the rest of the tribe takes tiny portions. Cue several people in sidebars none too happy about Tyrone eating enough for 20 starved orphans.

Benry in another sidebar: He doesn’t care for Tyrone at all. Then again, NaOnka has completely lost her mind, crying all the time and just laying about, waiting for people to throw dirt in her face and say a prayer.

But seriously, what kind of a name is “Benry”? It’s hard for me to take notes when somebody has a name like that.

Alina to Yve, sharing what the youngsters are thinking with the senior citizens: “NaOnka is DONE.” Yve, with her oddly-shaped face, doesn’t appear to fully understand what is being expressed. Perhaps her parents shouldn’t have given her a name that’s just not right. Were her parents friends with Benry’s parents? Did they go to the same summer camp and take the same drugs?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Alina: Tell me what’s going on.

Alina: There’s been a little bit of turf war. We have to go with their rules. Then she demurely glances at Tyrone as if he had “666” etched into his scalp.

Benry: Tyrone’s the guy. We have to do what he says. Then he glances at Tyrone as if… well, you get the picture.

Tyrone: I definitely feel qualified to lead this tribe, but I don’t make unilateral decisions.

Alina rolls her eyes, perhaps in disagreement, but possibly because “unilateral” just has too many syllables.

Jeff to Alina: Tell me about these turf wars.

Alina: Well, there was Tyrone’s speech when we got to camp. (Oh, you mean the one where he said you have to carry your own weight and not sit around playing XBOX all day? That speech?)

Tyrone: Maybe there’s a generation gap. (Uh oh, Ty, shouldn’t have gone there.)

Jeff to NaOnka: “What has been the darkest storm for you?” (Where the hell did he come up with that line?)

Nay: Fesses that her divorce a few years ago was the worst, ever. But this current mess has been pretty bad. I wanted to quit. I was at a breaking point yesterday. But these people have been SO supportive and I’m all better now.

Really?

Jeff to Benry: Shouldn’t you send her home for that?

Benry: Uh, I don’t know what you mean. (Loser.)

Jeff to Yve: Shouldn’t you send her home for that?

Yve: Uhh…

Jeff: Seriously. Spit it out.

Yve: Yes, it makes me wonder about her longevity.

Jeff smirks, having accomplished his agenda. Just not sure what that agenda might be.

Time to Vote.

Tyrone and Yve vote for NaOnka.

Everyone else votes for Tyrone. Meaning Holly (no surprise) and Danny (big surprise) flipped. Tyrone is gone.

Jeff to the remaining tribe: “Your first blind side. Congrats.”

Roll end credits.