#107 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 3

So we start out with the Heroes tribe marching back to camp after Tribal, while the eerie night-vision cameras are rolling, with all of them acting really sad and all, but you know every one of them is thinking “thank God it was Stephenie and not me.” They start unloading their gear and doing boring things around camp.

Surprisingly, Tom actually tells James that he could have been gentler with how he treated Stephenie at Tribal. Which is true, James was an ass, but I’m thinking, Dude, you and Colby are apparently on the outs with the Heroes tribe. Hate James quietly. Don’t get his attention, because James is apparently the sheepherder in the tribe right now. Go clean some fish or something and plot your revenge.

There’s a quick scene where JT is apologizing to Tom for going against their supposed alliance by voting out one of Tom’s buddies. They hug it out and everything, but you know Tom is not pleased with JT and his chipped tooth.

Tom confirms this in a sidebar. He feels that JT betrayed him. That’s right, Tom, he did. JT has changed since his original season, and not just when it comes to dental work. You and Colby better get your act together and force the spotlight on somebody else. Right on cue, we then switch to a scene with Tom and Colby realizing that they have got to play smarter.

Colby’s a little bummed. This is not the game-play that he remembers, and this is also true. “Survivor” was a totally different game back in the day when Colby played it out in Season 2. Strategy was subtle, alliances were strong, and most people played with decency. These days, you’re expected to form 47 conflicting alliances, stab your supposed friends in the back every other hour, and maniacally cavort in front of the camera, proclaiming yourself the greatest thing in the world since the invention of toilet paper.

Opening credits roll.

Now we’re over at the Villains camp, late at night after the Tribal they didn’t have to attend. I’m somewhat repulsed to see Russell and Parvati snuggled up together in the crappy shelter. They aren’t exactly having intercourse, but they might as well be, pawing on each other and bumping body parts and whatnot.

Then the two of them are whispering in each others ear, apparently sharing secret words that make both of them cackle and howl at the moonlight. We get reaction shots from the rest of the tribe as they all glare at the nasty pair shrieking with mirth and keeping everybody awake.

Rob in a sidebar: You really have to “watch how people sleep at night.” Folks are not going to sleep near someone that they plan on voting out. Very sage advice. See, I’m still liking Rob, even though I know I’m supposed to hate him. (I didn’t see his original season, so I don’t know what the hell he did, but apparently it was something not very nice.)

Zip over to the Heroes camp the next morning. It seems that the loss of Stephenie has inspired them to build a chicken coop. They march this contraption out, pick up the chickens who had previously been quarantined in a net and rock condo, and shove them into their new home. Immediately, the chickens escape through the poorly-spaced bamboo bars of their new cell. I guess nobody on this tribe is a structural engineer.

So then we have lots of shots where the tribe is running around and trying to capture the AWOL poultry. Yes, they all work together, and they do eventually snag the birds, but it’s really not anything exciting. This smells like filler to me.

Then we see Rupert in a sidebar. He’s all aglow about how his team succeeded, with him getting misty-eyed that they rounded up the cluckers that wouldn’t have been running free in the first place if somebody had paid attention in shop class. This is one of the times when Rupert got on my nerves. Saving the chickens was a nice little subplot. Winning an Immunity Challenge? Much more important.

And really, Rupert, could you lose the tie-dyed shirt that clashes with the jungle? That thing has got to be totally rank and tattered by now, after three seasons. You got a nice pile of viewer-voted money at one point, and I know there’s a Wal-Mart where you live. They have shirts there that you can buy. Check it out. And trim that damn beard. They also have razors at Wal-Mart. One trip to Wally World could change your life.

Then we’re back over at the Villains camp, where Coach is telling Russell that he needs to cool it with all that dry-humping Parvati business. People are watching and his actions could make him a target. (Wow, Coach is actually saying something worthwhile and it doesn’t involve modified Buddhism? That’s a fresh breeze.) Rob wanders up and agrees with Coach, telling Russell to back off.

Russell appears to agree with both of them, but you know he doesn’t. It has never crossed this man’s mind that anything he does is worthy of criticism. Two seconds later, we have Russell in a sidebar where he is spouting off that “Coach is a joke” and “Rob’s a fool.” He finishes up with “I’M the daddy around here.”

“Daddy” is not what people are calling you, Russell. Just thought you should know.

Then Russell races off to find Pavarti, where he proceeds to fill her slutty mind with lies about what Coach didn’t actually say. She nods her head knowingly with every word that oozes out of Napoleon’s mouth, while still managing to shove her breasts at the camera and fiddle with her skimpy bikini bottoms.

In a sidebar, Parvati actually utters “I’m just a sweet innocent little girl.” Then even she can’t help but crack up at this ludicrous statement, although she still manages to hump the tree trunk she’s straddling while the cameraman attempts to keep the frame in focus.

Now we’re in the Villains camp, at night, and Coach is telling one of his totally bogus stories where he supposedly decimated an entire Incan tribe using nothing but dental floss. Rob tries to call him on it (“Is this the same story from last night?”) but Coach doesn’t stop, gushing crap like there’s been a sewage mishap.

Meanwhile, Russell, caught up in another one of his delusional schemes, decides that he needs to take the camp’s machete and bury it somewhere in the sand, so that the missing item will cause chaos in the tribe. Okay, Russell, you really aren’t thinking this thing through. We already know that you steal things. Do you think these people didn’t watch your season?

Then it’s the next morning at the Villains camp, and Coach is out on some sandbar where he’s doing the Eastern yoga thing. Oh, and he’s singing, if you can call it that. Birds are dropping out of the sky, but he doesn’t stop wailing. And what’s with the feather you’ve shoved in your greasy, unconditioned hair? You are not an Indian, or an eagle, or… whatever you’re going for. Stop it.

There’s a brief bit where Randy drags a big-ass clam out of the water, and tries to share it with the rest of the tribe. Most of them just glare at him like they’re watching the pea soup scene in “The Exorcist”. As Randy says in a sidebar, it’s protein. Why would you not take advantage of that? In the end, after Parvati takes a bite and then classily spits it out on the sand, it’s only Randy and Sandra chowing down on the clam meat. Things look dim for Randy on the social scale.

Time for a visit to the Heroes camp. JT is chatting with Candice, and all the sudden Candice is spilling everything about her thoughts on strategy. JT, emboldened by this inside scoop, races to Cirie and Amanda and reinterprets Candice’s words to meet his needs, telling Cirie that Candice doesn’t trust her. Cirie and Amanda gasp and make appropriate startled noises.

Not really caring for JT this season.

Cirie, being who she is, confronts Candice directly. Candice denies hating on Cirie, but then Cirie won’t say who gave her the intel. (This is where Cirie is sly, and why she’s not necessarily a hero. She’ll throw a brick, but not follow through or come clean.) Candy girl then embarks on a mission to find out who is throwing her under the bus.

Candice approaches Tom. Candice approaches Amanda. Candice approaches James. They all tell her the same thing, they don’t know where the slam came from. James goes a bit further, because he’s still got something up his butt this time around, and basically tells Candice to shut up. We have competitions to win.

Which is true, you need to win, but Candice is justified in trying to find out what’s going on. Rumors can kill in this game. After all, James, that’s how YOU went home in the past. Or did you and your muscles forget about that?

Time for the only Challenge this episode, a combination of Immunity and Reward.

This one involves what is basically a modified Sumo wrestling competition, where the Survivors thrust their hands in a pillow thing and then try to shove their competitor off a wooden platform so they will fall into a mud pit. Jeff makes it very clear that you must keep both hands in the pillow bag at all times.

We get going, and the Heroes totally rule this challenge. Right away, Tom slams Russell into the mud. (Loved that.) Candice does the same with Parvati. There’s a brief interruption in the Hero dominance when Rupert and Coach are dueling. Coach clearly cheats by taking one hand out of his Sumo pillow while making a suspect move that sends Rupert into the mud.

Coach is so busy screaming victory noises that he initially doesn’t hear Jeff saying that this round has to be a do-over because Coach didn’t follow the rules. When the words finally sink in, Coach amazes me with his next move. He flips off Jeff.

Wow. Did you really think that was a smart thing to do, Coach? Or do they have such things as smart moves on the planet where you live? Wait, do they even HAVE moves on your planet? Or does everyone just stand around in the Whooping Crane position and talk about themselves?

They restart the round, and almost instantly Coach is knocked in the mud by Rupert. Cirie takes out Jeri in just a few seconds as well. JT trumps Tyson. Amanda knocks off Danielle. (I keep forgetting Danielle is even on the show. Has she done anything?) Colby routes Rob. The Heroes have not lost a round yet, it’s actually very exciting no matter who you are rooting for. Finally, James smacks Randy into the mud with just one blow.

The Heroes win Immunity. (And a Reward, but who cares about that right now.)

Forebodingly, as James finishes his round, he takes his Sumo pillow and slams it down on Randy after Randy is clearly down and out. It’s not a pretty thing, and it’s completely not cool. I’m tellin ya, James is about to implode.

So then the Villains march back home, caked with drying mud and bickering. Then most of them jump in the water to clean up and before you know it they are rubbing mud off of each other in what looks like some twisted soft-porn movie involving serial killers. (“The Creep End of the Ocean”?) In a sidebar, Randy rants about the girls flirting with the boys all the time. Especially Parvati. They need to get her out.

Interestingly, Parvati corners Coach and accuses him of trying to just that. While she’s making her claims, Parv manages to caress and/or somehow highlight most of her 2,000 body parts. (Does she not know how to do ANYTHING else?) In HIS sidebar, Coach says that he can’t stand Parvati, but it sure looks like he enjoyed the show and would certainly buy season tickets.

Anyway, it becomes clear that the Villains will be sending either Parvati or Randy home. So now we have the typical pre-Tribal montage of people running up and down the island, lying and back-stabbing and jostling to get the best sound-bites on camera.

Sandra tells Coach: “If I’m not up, I’ll vote whatever.” Then she stomps back into the jungle to drink more water from the Bad-Attitude Spring that she’s been sucking on since she jumped out of the helicopter. Jerri about Parvati: “I just want to punch her in face.” (I’ll hold her still while you do it.) Parvati about Jerri: “She’s a bitter old cougar.” (Honey, you better take notes, then, because you’re going to need them in a few years.)

Then Randy sums up the situation best when he tells Coach that “this is Micronesia 2.0” They can’t let Parvati survive until The Merge because she’ll get together with Amanda, and most likely Cirie (despite what she says, Cirie will ride the Parmanda train for everything she can until the train either derails or pulls into the station). A 3-person alliance after the merge basically means everybody else goes home.

Now we have Coach in a sidebar, where he proclaims that “nobody out here is honorable. Except for me.” (What?) Then he actually quotes Martin Luther King. (Dude, you are SO not MLK. You’re not even Y2K. We don’t believe in dragons any more.) At the end of this bit, Coach swears that he will fight for Randy. Uh huh. We’ll see, Mr. Honorable.

Tribal.

Jeff brings up the impact of “past relationships”, which is a valid point, but Jeff really needs to work on some new material. Sandra dings Parvati a bit, but basically they all agree that former networking is a critical thing in this game. (Then you should send Parvati home. Randy doesn’t have a friend in either camp. He probably doesn’t have a friend in either country.)

In response to Jeff asking about who is leading the tribe, Sandra starts babbling again (she sure was chatty tonight) and only takes a minimal swipe at Coach, it really wasn’t that bad. But Coach goes ballistic and lashes out, showing us exactly how one does NOT remain spiritual and calm like he claims to be. That boy is messed up.

Trying to switch subjects, Sandra suddenly blurts out “We ain’t got a machete! It grew legs and walked off!” (The camera briefly cuts to Russell, grinning in the firelight like the evil leprechaun that he is.) Jeff points out that this group is a mess. Parvati: “We’re just a tribe full of misfits.” I think I would have used a different word, Parv, but I understand that your vocabulary is limited to what you’ve read on the back of cereal boxes.

Time for the vote.

And it’s a landslide for Randy, he’s going home. (The only dissenting vote is his own, and he threw a curve ball with that by voting for Rob.) As he gets up, Randy takes off his buff and throws it into the Tribal Fire. Poor sportsmanship, but hey, I get it. I’m done with this tribe, too. They should have sent Parvati home.

We get a final shot of the buff in the fire. Interestingly enough, it’s not burning, just sitting there in the flames, a little ball of bitter coldness that refuses to go away. Wait, is this really Russell’s buff?

#106 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 2

We start out at the Villains Camp. It’s night time, so they’ve got that creepy camera going where people look like aliens. Buckets of rain are pouring down, so everyone is huddled under their crappy shelter, whining because their lame hut isn’t keeping out the rain.

Folks, it’s almost Day Four, and your shelter still looks like something that pre-schoolers would make out of popsicle sticks and macaroni. Yet every one of you has played this game before. Why are you surprised that you need to have a decent place to live? Did you not get the brochure?

Then we focus on Boston Rob. He’s basically OVER all of these people right now, and the expression on his face indicates that he could go postal at any minute. In a sidebar, he vents about always being on lazy, loser tribes. Then he stomps off and wanders up and down the beach in the midnight rain. I’m half expecting Oceanic Flight 815 to crash land while he’s doing this.

Opening credits roll.

We’re still at the Villains camp, and it’s the next morning. We have a sunrise scene with Jerri and Coach flirting with each other, which causes me to lose interest in the pizza slice I had been greatly enjoying up to that point. Then we have a sidebar with Randy, who’s also not happy about the state of the shelter. (Then why don’t you do something about it, Randy and Rob? Just sayin.)

Eventually, everybody drags their lazy asses out of the shelter, and decide that they need to do something about their quarters. So we have several scenes that clearly demonstrate that no one knows what that “something” should be. When Parvati makes a suggestion about one of the design elements, Russell snaps at her and tells her to shut up. (Just what kind of sand is in HIS underwear?)

Then we zip over to the Heroes Camp, where everyone is still working together in harmony, accomplishing great things and dancing with butterflies. Their shelter looks like the Taj Mahal in comparison to the villains. They’re so productive, it wouldn’t surprise me if they built a factory and started manufacturing modular housing made out of hemp.

Then we have a sidebar with Rupert, where he makes it known that he wants to get rid of Stephenie. Really? What’s up with that? Rupert proceeds to march into camp and starts criticizing everything that Stephenie does or says. This is SO not like Rupert’s mode of operation in past seasons. Is his broken toe starting to get on his nerves? (And that beard of Rupert’s. I’m half expecting Ozzy to pop out of it, waving one of the Immunity Idols he never played.)

So then we have a sidebar with Stephenie, where she’s understandably a little mystified with the Rupert situation. She wants to challenge him, but is afraid that it will make her a target. (Good point to an extent, but darlin, you’re already a target for whatever reason. You need to do some damage control, stat.)

Back over to the Villains Camp, where they’re still working on the shelter, or at least still standing around and trying to decide HOW to work on the shelter. They really aren’t getting anything done, fiddling around with twigs and moss and coconuts. Rob gets fed up with all this pointless nothingness and stomps off, telling Sandra that he’s done.

Rob in a sidebar: “I wanted to be the diplomat this time instead of the dictator.” Okay, that’s very noble of you. But you’re in a tribe filled with people who have back-stabbed so many times that they have carpal tunnel. These people don’t know diplomacy from a pothole.

Rob wanders off into the jungle, with Jerri tagging along somewhat behind him. She’s carrying a machete for no explained reason. (Is she about to have her own form of tribal council, where she just kills people instead of voting them out? That would be an interesting but questionable change from the normal routine of people hauling around torches and sitting at a campfire.)

Suddenly, Rob drops to the ground, out cold. Jerri rushes up to him, still waving that damn machete around while she’s trying to wake him up. (Girl, get rid of the weapon. How do you think he’s going to feel if he comes to and you’re on top of him with a knife?)

Rob regains consciousness long enough to gasp “Get help.”

Jerri scampers off, running to find Medical.

And I’m thinking, there is a CAMERA PERSON filming all of this. Are you telling me that this cinematographer doesn’t have a walkie-talkie that he can grab and speed up this process a little bit? (“Yo, Jeff. I think one of your cast members just died. Can you help us out?”) But no, Jerri and her hair are leaping over fallen trees and avoiding Tarzan as he swings through the trees on his way to a lunch date with Jane.

So Medical finally arrives, babbling away in that odd Australian accent that has always baffled me. Their verdict is that he’s just fine, maybe a touch of the flu. (Flu? Do they HAVE flu on tropical islands? Who hired these people?)

Jeff wanders in, looking all crisp because he probably just stepped off a helicopter from Monte Carlo. He has a dialogue with Rob, wherein Rob fesses up that he thinks his debilitating condition is the result of not being evil. “I’ve got to stop being the good guy, it’s making me sick.”

There’s a new one. Exactly how do you write THAT up on your insurance claims? “I’m in bad health because I haven’t hurt anybody today.”

Rob gets a second wind, and wanders back into camp. All the Villains rush up to greet and hug him, in a display of total bogus crap. You know that every one of them is thinking “Damn, there’s still going to be Tribal this week.”

Time for the only Challenge on this episode, which is a combo Reward and Immunity. (The Reward is a tarp, rope and nails, which the Villains desperately need to enhance their pathetic, basically non-existent shelter. The Immunity part, of course, means that you don’t have to tromp up the stairs to the Ewok Village.)

In this competition, they have to run across the sand, two at a time from each tribe, and then roll these giant puzzle crates back to the staging area where everybody then stacks the heavy crates up to spell out their tribe name.

When Jeff announces that JT (as well as two people of the Villains tribe) has played this particular game before, the Heroes immediately agree that JT should call the shots during the puzzle part. This proves to be a critical plot point as the episode progresses.

At first, the Heroes are doing really well. They get all of their crates back first and start working on the puzzle aspect, long before the Villains reach that point. (As the Villains are desperately trying to catch up, one of the huge cubes whacks Parvati in the head during her run. To her credit, she shakes it off and keeps going. I have to give up a little bit of respect for that, even though I basically don’t care for her at all. Other people would have flopped on the sand and waited for Medical to show up and start speaking Australian.)

Sadly, the Heroes completely fall apart during the puzzle phase. (Déjà vu from last week, yes?) No one is listening to JT and there’s lots of arguing. (And to be honest, JT had such a confused look on his face, not even trying to work it out, that I don’t think it mattered WHO they were listening to.) They fail miserably.

And the Villains win Immunity, mainly because Rob took over, whipped those people into line, and showed incredible physical strength, at one point supporting one of the huge cubes all by himself. (Guess he got over that flu pretty quick, huh? Must have been a two-hour bug.)

As the Villains celebrate, James goes off on the other Heroes, screaming about “ONE VOICE!” and whatnot. Then he decides to focus specifically on Stephenie, and tries to rip her up verbally. Seriously, they were all screwing up, so I don’t know why he singled her out. (And folks, you don’t DO this in front of the other tribe, you do it later, just like when Mom would wait until you got home before she beat your ass for acting up in Church.)

Then we have James in a sidebar, where he spells out why he doesn’t care for Stephenie. She’s the only person in Survivor history whose tribe dwindled down to just one person before the merge, meaning that her tribe kept losing and she was somehow at fault. Okay, James, here’s the deal: Stephenie SURVIVED to the end of her tribe. Girl was doing something right. Your logic doesn’t compute.

But James does NOT let it go.

We head back to the Heroes camp.

Initially, we have JT in a sidebar, where he fusses about people not listening to him during the challenge. (Dude, I didn’t hear you trying all that hard to take control, just sayin.) Then everybody’s piled in the shelter, and James goes off again. His comments are somewhat fair, with the business about nobody listening to JT, but he goes too far. And then he says that he’s “not used to losing”.

Hmm. James did not win Survivor with his first two seasons. Doesn’t that count as losing? Did I not get a memo?

Cut over to the Villains Camp, where everybody (save one) is loving on Rob and the way he pulled the team together, allowing them to come from behind. Who refuses to join the party? Russell, of course, because the spotlight is not on him. In his desperate, needy bid for attention, he runs off and kills a chicken that is wandering by. Look, Napoleon and your short-man syndrome, you used a spear to kill a tiny animal while it was pecking at something on the ground. Not impressed. Neither is the chicken.

Back to the Heroes camp, where James is running around telling everybody that Stephenie has got to go, offering up his illogical reasoning that she was the last member of her tribe. His reasoning still does not make any sense, but some of his tribe mates are nodding their heads like this is the most intelligent thing ever uttered by someone who hasn’t bathed in a week.

Sidebar with Tom, Stephenie and Colby, where they realize that they’re on the outs with the rest of the tribe. (I hadn’t realized all THREE of them were outcasts until now. Thank you, Survivor editors, for once again only showing us part of the story.) Tom: “We need Candice and Cirie on our side, so we can send Amanda home.” They’ve got to get more votes.

So Stephenie races off to confab with Cirie, telling her that she’s probably next if she doesn‘t do something drastic. Cirie seems to be sympathetic to Stephenie’s cause. But we also know Cirie’s past, where she’s shown people sympathy before and then helped to send those people home. She’s done some manipulative damage in her time. In fact, I’m a smidge surprised that Cirie did not end up on the Villains tribe. She’s a hoot and all, I’ll grant you that, but she’s no saint.

Meanwhile, Tom is working on Candice. Surprisingly, Candice, doesn’t play any games or make fake promises. “I’ve gotta think of ME.” And right when she said that, my Survivor instincts kicked in, just like they did with Natalie last season. Do we have an underdog here that might just flip this thing around? Way too early to tell, really, but we’ll see. And didn’t Candice openly switch tribes during her season when Jeff gave folks the chance to do so? Somebody’s gonna remember that.

Next is a scene with Candice and Cirie, where they basically bond as they try to figure out how to vote. (Cirie had a grain of sand on the end of her nose, which completely threw me off. I tried to stay focused, but how could she not feel that chunk of quartz bobbing around?) The scene ends with Cirie saying “As long as it’s not us, it don’t much matter to me.”

Tribal.

Right away, James goes after Stephenie, throwing her under the bus with a vengeance. Stephenie tries to argue back, but he’s on a roll and not stopping. He’s seriously out of line, saying things that make no sense whatsoever. Stephenie points out his fallacies, but he’s not listening. Colby jumps in and defends Stephenie. Then Tom jumps in and does the same. James doesn’t care, he keeps ripping at Stephenie, using some language that has to be bleeped. James is not right in the head at this point.

Jeff actually tries to stop all this, pointing out that “we’re on day SIX” and this shouldn’t be happening if the tribe wants to survive.

Then Jeff switches directions by asking the tribe about past alliances, and how they are playing out today. In the ensuing discussion, Cirie, who was tight with Amanda at one point in a previous season but got kicked to the curb right at the last moment, basically says that she doesn’t want to be with Amanda at the end this time around. (Amanda doesn’t catch this at all and just stares at the fire, probably wondering if she can find something even smaller to wear during the next competition.)

But will Cirie actually write Amanda‘s name down?

So the tribe marches off to vote, and Jeff goes to “tally the vote”, which always means “arrange the votes for the most drama”.

Stephenie, Colby and Tom vote for Amanda. Everyone else votes for Stephenie.

As her torch is extinguished and she prepares to leave…

Stephenie: “Really needs to be a little less cursing at Tribal.”

James: “Keep your mouth shut.”

Tom, fed up with James: “Oh, come ON.”

My thoughts? Bad move on the tribe’s part, as we already have blind sheep doing stupid things. Stephenie is not my favorite. (She made an anti-gay slur in her second season, and things like that stick with me.) But she’s better than Amanda, and Cirie, when it comes to challenges, and this tribe needs to start winning things, pronto.

But the real focus is James. I don’t know what crawled up his butt, but he’s going to implode. Soon.

Stay tuned…

#105 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 1

Okay, the first thing I realized as I settled in to watch the premiere episode of Survivor’s twentieth run is that the Annoyance Factor is going to be pretty high this go around. In a typical season there’s usually only two or three people that get on my nerves. Now we have a guarantee of at LEAST ten people that are going to send me over the edge with their arrogance and disillusionment. Terrific.

Anyway, we start off with Jeff doing a long monologue about how the South Pacific has always been a place where warriors go to settle their scores. Really? Maybe I missed something in my history classes. Or maybe Jeff is just full of crap, babbling pointless sound bites just to get us psyched up about the virtual bloodbath that is coming. I’m thinking it’s Plan B.

In any case, we then see these foreboding, military-like helicopters transporting the Survivors to their destination, as if we’re watching “Black Hawk Down Under”. This is really overkill. Just throw the people on the island and let’s get started. No need for twenty minutes of people crammed in a chopper, with 27 reaction shots of Parvati realizing that they are, like, really high in the air.

While this overblown transportation montage is going on, we start getting little snippets from the various Survivors. Russell, no surprise, still thinks he shot the world out of his butt. Cirie explains that she’s a “gangsta in a Oprah suit”. (What the hell does THAT mean?) Boston Rob fesses that he knows he’s a target, but he’s not worried right now because “they never get rid of the bad guys first”. (Which is a good point. People can be really stupid on this show.)

Then we have some scenes with Coach in his helicopter, channeling the “electricity” around him, or some Zen crap along those lines. He was the first one on the screen where I thought, aw hell, there’s no way I can put up with this blowhole for 39 days. Really don’t like him.

Oh, and there’s Jerri, trying to be cute by saying that she feels like “Mother Teresa” amongst all these youngsters. Sweetie, Mother Teresa has passed through the Pearly Gates. Are you saying that you feel dead? Or is it just that you don’t watch the news? You know, that program where they tell you about current events, like the fact that your hairstyle is ten years out of date.

So everybody finally piles out of the choppers on the beach. (We get several scenes of Survivors standing around and trying to avoid the flying sand as the choppers come and go. We didn’t need to see that, producers. I’m starting to understand why the premiere is two hours. Not because it’s action-packed, but more because somebody doesn’t know how to edit out the boring bits.)

Once everybody’s on the beach, Jeff goes into this really long session where he’s asking all the contestants why they have been put into the Hero tribe or the Villain tribe. This is really pointless, Jeff. We’ve seen the shows. We know who we love and who we hate. Can we get to a challenge, please?

And then we do. (Thank you.) Right on the beach we have a Reward Challenge, with the winning team getting flint to make fire. Groups of four, two from each tribe, are going to race across the sand, dig out a buried pillow thing, and then try to be the first to race back and touch your tribe mat while still clutching the pillow.

This gets brutal, really fast. The Villains are apparently unconcerned with any sense of sportsmanship. First off, Stephenie gets her shoulder dislocated, and Medical has to pop it back in place. (THAT was really pretty.) Then JT gets involved in a scuffle with one of the Villains, and they end up in a shockingly sexual position. (Jeff: “That’s some country right there.”)

We have a huge surprise when Coach manages to best Colby. This is quickly followed by a sidebar wherein Tyson makes fun of Colby, calling him a woman. Really? This coming from an anorexic waif who, at any given time, looks like a drag queen with anemia. (And what’s up with those man-panties you’re wearing? Did you get those from Victoria’s Secretion? Does RuPaul know about this?)

Then we have the round where Sugar (hero) and Sandra (villain) are two of the four players. Up to this point, I’d been slightly wondering why Sandra had been assigned to the Villain tribe. Sandra helpfully clarified this for me. While she and Sugar are struggling in the sand, Sandra reaches up, unhooks Sugar’s bra, and tosses it to the wind.

Say it with me, folks: Bitch.

Happily, Sugar manages to wiggle her way free, then dashes across the sand, with the twins bouncing perkily, and scores a point. She then turns around and flips Sandra a double-bird. Sugar knows her milkshake brings the boys to the yard, and she’s got plenty of straws. Hayyy.

In the final round, James the Behemoth muscles his way to a challenge-winning point for the Heroes. Sadly, Rupert somehow manages to break one of his toes in about 12 different places. Poor guy. Damn those Villains.

Later, we cut to the Villains camp, where it’s clear that the Survivor producers are once again making the show all about Russell. He’s running his mouth about everything. Same trash, different season. Dude. Do you ever shut up? I don‘t want to see you all the time. (Do the producers not understand that? There are 19 other people on this show. Can we turn off the Russell-Cam for a while?)

Anyway, Russell is also up to his old tricks, racing around the camp and promising his loyalty to everyone he runs into, like Danielle, and Parvati. (“I want the devil on MY side.”) This is what cost him last season. The man didn’t learn a damn thing.

Zip over to the Heroes camp, where Colby’s shockingly-white teeth are blinding everybody and causing satellites to bounce out of orbit. Tom manages to discover four chickens just wandering around stupidly. (Hey, are those Shambo’s chickens?) The tribe works together to capture them. In fact, this tribe is working together, period, with all of them praising each other and singing songs. This will probably last roughly 12 minutes.

Back over to the Villains camp, where everybody, especially Tyson, is making fun of the fact that some of the Heroes got hurt during the Reward Challenge. Nice. Then Coach and his ego hog the camera for a while, so we get some of that mess. Throughout all of this, Tyson is looking exceptionally androgynous and completely unattractive. Is there anybody on this entire planet that has the slightest urge to sleep with him? I didn’t think so.

But what’s this? Jerri and COACH are attracted to each other? This is a sure sign of the Apocalypse, everybody start a prayer circle and light candles. But the rest of the camp is all hip with it, babbling about the “Black Widow and the Dragon Slayer” getting together.

Blech. First of all, these cute little nicknames don’t fit. How is Jerri a spider? I can think of several other more appropriate animals. And Coach was never involved with the slaying of a dragon, mainly because they don’t exist. (And by the way, Tae Kwon Don’t, nobody in the history of the planet believes your stupid little canoe story.)

But hey, if Twisted and Cracked want to bump uglies on their own time, then let them go at it, preferably in a cave somewhere that the Survivor cameras can’t reach. I don’t want to watch the conception of Little Damian, with his Asian tattoos and frizzy hair.

Once more to the Heroes camp, where it appears that James and JT might be in an alliance. (Quick sidebar with Colby warning Candice about such a hook-up.) Additionally, we see that Cirie and Amanda might still be tight, as well as Tom and Stephenie. But then Tom also appears to be sealing a deal with JT. (“I want another winner at the end.”) People are running all over camp, pretending that they aren’t making deals and saying ugly things about one another.

Hmmm. Okay, I get the part about always working the strategy, but shouldn’t we be a bit more focused on things like, say, winning challenges? It’s day two. Keep your team together, rip them apart later.

Once more we head over to the Villains camp, where these folks are NOT working together and things are not pleasant. Rob whines about this in a sidebar, complaining that people aren‘t helping, as he sits there on a rock, not doing anything. Then we have him being obstinate about starting a fire by basically rubbing two sticks together, and refusing to give up until he actually succeeds.

This throws Russell into a tizzy, with him hating on Rob and the fact that the rest of the tribe now considers Rob a Fire Hero. I don’t know Rob at all, probably should hate him but I didn’t watch his season. All I care about is that he trumped Russell, and that’s a fine and mighty thing in my book.

Back over to the Heroes camp, where we first see Sugar in a sidebar, fessing up with “I need a protector”. Then we see multiple examples of her stalking Colby, intent on becoming his Survivor Concubine. This greatly irritates everyone, especially when they are trying to get some sleep.

Then we have a lovely scene with JT killing one of the chickens with his bare hands, twisting and snapping the neck. That’s a nice family-hour viewing moment, with impressionable young kids across the country pausing with popcorn halfway to their mouths, startled and frightened. The girls on the tribe all look squeamish and repulsed, but hey, everybody was sucking the meat off the bone when it came time for THAT, just sayin.

Immunity Challenge.

This one involves putting a boat together, paddling out to retrieve a torch, paddling back, solving a puzzle, then building and racing up a ladder. This business starts out great for the Heroes, with them fetching the torch while the Villains are still figuring out what a boat is and where the water might be.

But then the Heroes get to the puzzle part, and it all goes to hell. Cirie, Amanda, Sugar and Rupert are in charge of this bit. Cirie and Amanda bicker and paw at the thing, with Sugar standing back for a while, and getting snapped at when she DOES try to help. And Rupert? I don’t know WHAT he was doing, staring off into the distance, but he wasn’t working on the puzzle.

The Villains finally get their act together, make it out to the torch and back without anyone getting killed, breeze through the puzzle like all they had to do was plug in a hair dryer, and they thunder up the ladder to victory. One of the Heroes will be going home tonight. The Villains whoop it up, the Heroes look sad, and Sugar cries.

Quick visit to the Villains Camp, where everyone is really impressed with themselves for winning (though, to be fair, they only won because the Heroes screwed up so badly at the end), Sandra is really mouthy about everything that pops into her head, and Russell is still convinced that he’s the star of his own TV show.

Back to the Heroes Camp, with everyone looking all tragic and pale. Of course, the scheming is in full swing as they try to figure out who to send home. Initially it looks like it’s going to be Sugar. She’s sweet and all, but really, not the greatest player. But then Tom starts trying to convince Colby that Cirie should go, while Cirie is pushing her peeps toward Stephenie or Tom, with the emphasis on Stephenie. By sundown, it appears to be completely up in the air, but you never know, what with the famous Survivor editing.

Tribal Council.

Wow, this get-up is new. They’ve apparently built the Council about thirty feet in the air, a series of little hut things that make it look like a warped Ewok City from Star Wars. (This is kind of a rude arrangement, really. Now you have to climb flights of stairs and THEN get voted out, sent on your way before you can even catch your breath.)

Jeff’s pre-vote discussion with the group is actually kind of boring, no major shocks or catfights. There’s a general theme from a few (like Amanda) that “there’s people here who have won”, meaning it’s time for somebody else. Cirie, responding to the fact that she screwed up during the puzzle, says “I don’t think one challenge should determine your fate”.

Um, this is Survivor, where simple things like how you eat a coconut can determine your fate, especially in the beginning when people don’t have anything else to base their vote on.

Anyway, we get to the vote and it’s a landslide. Sugar is going home. To her credit, she’s very gracious, and her parting words to the Heroes are: “One of you all better win.”

Exactly.

Wait a minute. How come we haven’t heard a peep so far about a hidden Immunity Idol?

Hmm.