#110 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 5

So the sad little Heroes march back to camp, fresh from watching Cirie trottle off to wherever the evictees go when Jeff snuffs out their torch. (I think there’s a slight sadistic side to Jeff that really enjoys this part of the ceremony, no matter who is leaving. He just has that look. I‘m guessing he played with matches a lot as a child.)

First we have a sidebar with Colby, who has glowing words for JT’s last-minute switch that saved Colby from the march of shame. Then we cut to JT explaining to the rest of the tribe that his vote was nothing personal, he did it for the betterment of the team. Some of the folks just glare at him as they unload their gear and fiddle with stupid things so they can look busy and useful while the night-vision cameras are rolling.

The next morning, JT is on the beach with Amanda, where he’s still doing damage control, explaining that his vote wasn’t FOR Tom and Colby. “I just got rid of Cirie when I could.” JT should have left it at that, but he keeps babbling, repeating “I swear” at least ten times, which is a clear sign that he’s lying. Amanda just nods vacantly, because supermodels in skimpy attire are trained to do that.

Amanda in a sidebar: She’s not buying it. JT is in “like, twenty alliances”. So she has a moment of insight. Then a palm frond waves in the wind and she loses her train of thought.

Opening credits roll.

Now we’re at the Villains camp, where Coach is leading most of the tribe in some crappy group yoga thing. (Coach calls it “Dragon Slayer Chi” in a sidebar, and you know even the cameraman is rolling his eyes because the picture wobbles.) I’m amazed that these folks are even participating in this joke fest, then we see Sandra and Courtney barely able to hold back wild laughter at the fact that Coach is singing some mindless ditty about supernovas or something.

Why are you doing this, people? WHY, when you know this man is insane with self-worship, are you encouraging him by pretending that you really enjoy stretching your muscles in ways that are unimportant and possibly hazardous? This will only make Coach love himself even more, and I don’t know if I have the strength to tolerate that.

The only person who is NOT playing the Shogun Richard Simmons game is Russell. He’s off tearing up the island in search of the hidden Immunity Idol, sand flying in all directions. The rest of the tribe knows this, but they LET him do it anyway instead of calling him on it. And of course he finally manages to find it. Took him three days, but the deed is done.

Russell in a sidebar: “Now everything changes.” Very possibly. Then again, Russell has a habit of playing the Immunity Idol when it’s completely unnecessary, just because he can’t help himself when it comes to any opportunity to show somebody up. The munchkin has issues.

Time for the Reward Challenge, where the Survivors have an opportunity to win a “chocolate feast”. Love chocolate in all it’s possible forms, but I’m thinking that’s a pretty crappy prize. Sure, you’ll get a nice buzz, but thirty minutes later you’re in a coma. This doesn’t stop most of the Survivors from wailing like the ultimate in sexual gratification is just on the horizon.

Before they start, Jeff hauls out two plates with tiny little bits of chocolate as a teaser for the tribes to sample. The Villains attack their plate with gusto, clawing and fighting to get the biggest piece. The Heroes, interestingly enough, decide to pass the plate back to Jeff with nothing touched.

This pisses Jeff off for some reason. (I told you this boy had a troubled childhood.)

Jeff focuses his anger on Colby. “Why didn’t you take the chocolate?” (Jeff, NOBODY on that tribe took the chocolate, why are you singling Colby out?) Making matters worse, Colby is not really impressed with being targeted and smarts off a bit. “We’re focused on the challenge. Don’t need it. Let’s go.”

This sends Jeff over the edge. “We’ll go when I’m READY!” Then he purposely drags things out by asking various Survivors questions that are boring and pointless. Even the Villains are looking at him with irritation.

So stop the cameras, folks. Jeff is going to get all drama queen over Colby and his blinding teeth being a little bit snippy, but Jeff didn’t have a problem with Coach flipping him the bird a few competitions ago? Are you playing favorites, Jeff? Sure looks like it.

Anyway, the competition gets rolling. This is one of those spectacles where there are competing Survivors in a pit fighting for balls that they have to throw up to their teammates on a higher platform, and then those teammates have to throw the ball at a basket on the other side of the pit. First team to get two points wins a chance at a chocolate nirvana and the intestinal complications that will follow, since they’ve been eating rice for a while by now, and fancy taste sensations will surely lead to impromptu recycling activity.

In the very first round, James goes down. Something is up with his leg, and Medical pulls him out of this particular game. So the Heroes have to play one short. Great. But despite this, Amanda manages to score the first basket and the Heroes take the lead. Cries of joy fill the air. Well, at least one side of the air.

The camera pans to Coach and JT standing off to one side while waiting for an opportunity to grab an available ball. (No pun intended.) Stupidly, Coach is poking and prodding at JT for no apparent reason other than to be an ass. (Hey Coach, is this another example of you acting noble and spiritual?) JT finally has his fill, picks up Coach, and slams him to the ground on his back.

I found that to be very satisfying. (Hey, Coach asked for it.) More, please.

Then Tyson hits a basket and the score is tied. One more point and either team could win. In all the excitement, there’s a startling moment when Rupert manages to smack Jerri’s face into a fence railing. (He didn’t mean to do it, rewind for verification.) To her credit, she manages to shake it off, but not without making nasty comments about his apologies. She is just a bitter woman. And that poor fence. It will never be the same.

But I guess the face butt gave her an edge, because seconds later Jerri scores a basket and the Villains win. While they hoop and holler, the Heroes are sent packing once again. Jeff makes James stay behind, and Medical swoops in to see if he even gets to stay on the island.

Cut to the chocolate feast for the Villains. Russell is gloating that “we got rid of the big boy James.” Nice, Russell. His leg might be jacked forever, but you’re clapping and cheering. While Russell is doing his obnoxious victory dance, several of the other Villains are figuring out what to do with a certain slacker at camp. Rob: “We should flush out the Idol.” Yes, you should. As soon as possible. Hurry.

Meanwhile, Parvati, wearing the least amount of clothing that is allowed on a “family show”, wanders up to Russell and his ego. He tells her that he has the Idol. She begins ovulating, but also tells him that “I don’t ride coat tails.” Really? When did you make that decision? Two seconds ago? Russell: “I wanna blindside Rob.” They make a chocolate milk toast to such a splendid idea, then eye each other seductively. It’s very creepy and twisted.

Then we have a nauseating scene with Russell and Coach. Russ is spewing crap about how he would give the Idol to whoever in his alliance needed it. Coach extols the virtues of tiny people with big goals. Coach actually kneels before Russell and allows himself to be knighted by the Munchkin King.

I’m at a loss for words while watching the madness. Is this really happening?

Zip over to the Heroes camp, where everyone is pondering the fate of James. We have a sidebar where Amanda is sobbing that she doesn’t know what to do if he doesn’t come back. (Gee, I don’t know, maybe make some decisions on your own?) JT thinks James is out of the game, and Rupert agrees.

Lo and behold, here comes James hobbling up the beach. He can barely move, taking tiny steps while snails race ahead of him on the sand. Amanda thunders down the beach to greet him, stomping on all the snails while tears drip off her chin. James: “It don’t hurt. They don’t know what’s wrong without an MRI.” Clearly, we’ve got a problem here.

Candice in a sidebar: “James has to go, he’s dead weight.” (And it’s true, whatever you might think of him. He’s no longer going to be able to help you in competitions. This is not good.)

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

First, Sandra is sporting some really weird pigtails, making her look like a demented doll that will stab you in your sleep. Second, this event involves a “caller” shouting directions to blind-folded teammates who are grouped in sets of two. The pairs have to find these giant puzzle pieces and carry them back to the staging area. Once all the pieces are collected, the blindfolds come off and you have to put the puzzle together. James is the caller for the Heroes (because he can’t walk) and Jerri is calling for the Villains (because no one wants to stand next to her and get slashed-up by her barbed-wire hair.).

And off we go. It’s actually a very close race for a while. Toward the end, the Heroes pull ahead, finding all of their pieces before the Villains do. (Watching the competition was a hoot, because it’s always funny when blind-folded people run into things and fall down. Just one of those things.) But once again, the Heroes completely suck at putting a puzzle together, and the Villains manage to catch up and triumph.

What is WRONG with the Heroes and puzzles? Hell, what is wrong with the Heroes and ANY competition in this season? They just cannot get it together. Except, of course, when it’s time to get in a single-file line and march to Tribal. They’ve got that skill DOWN.

So then we go back to the Heroes camp, where they’ve got to figure out who is going home. The mad scramble is off and running as people barter, cajole, lie, swear, pose for the camera, stab each other in the back, deny there was any stabbing, and then stab again. It’s just like what happens when any family gathers for Thanksgiving.

Tom and Colby want James out (natch), and they think they can get JT to go along with it. Rupert, JT and Candice have a confab where Rupert is insistent on sending Tom home and Candice is arguing that James is worthless at this point. Rupert gets pissed off that Candice is not bowing to his hippie wisdom, so he runs to Amanda and says that Candice needs to go. What the hell?

Side note: Rupert has gone from tolerable to irritating. I know I’m apparently being blasphemous by saying that, because the entire world supposedly loves him, but the thrill is gone, Huggy Bear. He hasn’t done a damn thing this season, other than whine to the camera and show us his ugly broken toe. And sit on a tree stump.

Back to the negotiations. Amanda tells Rupert that she doesn’t want to vote Candice first, it should be Tom, then Candy. JT, Tom and Candice swear a blood oath that it should be James. JT and Rupert swear it should be Tom. (But wait, both of you just said… aw screw it. Let’s just go to Tribal.)

Campfire time.

Jeff gets right to the heart of the matter by pointing out that “my niece could beat James in a race” right now. James is not pleased by this comment, and boasts that he could still beat anybody in a race. Really don’t think so, guy. Courtney has more mobility than you right now, and she hasn’t ingested protein since 1993. She could fall to the ground in an anemic collapse faster than you could take a step.

While James is spewing garbage, Jeff calls him out on his body language. “Why do you keep looking to your left?” James says he’s looking at Tom and Candice. This doesn’t sit well with those two, and they both go on the offensive. Candice spells it right out, saying that James is a liability since he can’t do anything. Tom warns against “keeping a weak player just for a vote.” Very good points.

James reacts by being a complete ass, trashing both of them and saying stupid things that don’t make sense. They argue back with an intelligence that James can’t handle or just refuses to understand. James finally ends with “fine, vote for me, put me out,” but he does so with a cockiness that doesn’t bode well. Some weird agreement has taken place that we haven’t seen.

Time for the vote.

Two votes for James (Colby and Tom), the rest for Tom.

This tribe is actually sending home an able-bodied person over someone who is physically useless. These people are not thinking right. They chose numbers over strategy, even with Jeff pointing out that it was not the right thing to do at this point. Unless something amazing happens very soon, this tribe is going down in flames.

Guess I better take another gander at the Villains cast list and figure out which one is the least annoying, because in a few more episodes there might not be any Heroes left and I gotta root for somebody….

#109 - “Dallas” - Season 11, Episode 29

So we start out at Ray’s house, where’s he’s apparently been struggling with the knife-wielding Connie since the end of the last episode. In a moment of really impressive choreography, they sweat and huff their way out of the bedroom, across the landing, and then tumble down the stairs. It’s very exciting.

As they clatter to the base of the stairs, Ray finally manages to wrestle the giant knife away from Crazy and knock her out. While she takes a nice nap, Ray gets on the horn with the sheriff’s department. While his heaving torso glistens, he asks if they wouldn’t mind sending a car out, if they’re not busy.

Cut to JR’s office, where he’s trying to dictate a letter or something, but he’s having a bit of trouble since Sly, and her shocking amounts of jacked-up hair, is a little peeved about how JR fired Casey. “Did you have to hurt him like that?” JR basically tells her to shut up and keep writing. And she does. (Why does Sly still support nasty JR after all these years. WHY?)

Suddenly, Cliff barges in, babbling about how he sold his gas field and he sold all his Westar stock and blah blah blah. Initially JR couldn’t care less, threatening Cliff with violence and such. Then Cliff mentions that he sold his Westar stock to Jeremy Wendell. Dramatic music kicks in as JR finally pays attention and gets that look of utter hatred on his face.

Jenna shows up at Ray’s house (I guess she got bored in Europe) and wanders around yelling for Ray. Sensing something might be amiss, she hands off little Lucas to some nanny that we’ve never seen before. Then Jenna spies blood all over the staircase. (Um, isn’t this a crime scene? Shouldn’t there be some yellow tape and detectives scribbling into little notebooks?)

So Jenna freaks out and calls Bobby. (Instead of, you know, the police.) Bobby tries to calm her down and then he runs into a nearby phonebooth to put on his Superman uniform.

Quick scene with Sue Ellen and Nick, where she’s chattering away about the court order that is almost ready so she can stomp out to South Fork and rescue John Ross from his satanic daddy. Nick, and his hair, grunts in support and understanding.

Zip over to Ray lying in a hospital bed, and here comes frazzled Jenna and Super-Bobby. Jenna only has half the story, running her mouth about “some crazy woman” that attacked Ray out of the blue, but she’s SO glad that Ray is going to be alright. Ray just stares at her for a bit, because he knows the OTHER half of the story has to be told, but he’s really not in the mood. So he tries to delay the spilling of the beans.

Ray: “Why don’t you just go home now, you must be exhausted after the long plane flight.” (This from a man who was knifed, fell down a flight of stairs, and had to dial a phone during all the madness. I don’t think these two scenarios really compare.)

Jenna: “But I just want to BE with you!” (Um, you’ve been in Europe this entire season, which doesn’t really give a good light to your sudden devotion to Ray. Did you eat some bad escargots that made you change your mind?)

Jenna finally concedes, giving Ray a passionate, annoying kiss before wondering off to check with her stylist about the next scene. Bobby stays behind. He knows something is up, and presses Ray about it, but Ray keeps mum and pulls the sheet down so we can see his bare chest again.

Sue Ellen arrives at South Fork, accompanied by two police offices and her John-Ross-rescuing court order. JR is sitting on the patio, looking smug, so we know this is not going to go well. JR refuses to cooperate, so Sue Ellen, in high-drama mode, spits out “Place Mr. Ewing under arrest!” (These are thrilling and exciting words, even though we are aware that this is a lost cause.)

JR takes the court order, rips it up, then whips out one of his own. Some judge in his pocket has forced a 30-day delay due to some annoying legalese. He then says some rude and vindictive things, natch, and poor Sue Ellen leaves empty-handed.

Miss Ellie has witnessed this horrid scene, and she confronts JR. He tells her to butt out. Ellie persists, wanting to know where JR has stashed away John Ross, and stating that JR is doing wrong by Sue Ellen because “She is a GOOD mother!” At this last phrase, you can almost hear the blood vessels popping in JR’s brain. He lashes out at Miss Ellie with more cruel words, then storms off.

Cut to Nick’s house, where Sue Ellen barges in, infuriated about the JR situation. Nick and his hair offer to find John Ross, but cautions that they can’t actually kidnap him because that might look a wee bit bad when the custody case comes around. Sue Ellen pouts.

Then we’re in Washington, where Bobby and Sam Culver are about to meet the Senators who have arranged for Bobby to get back the Ewing name. Instead of a wild celebration, the Senators are actually rude and hateful, begrudgingly allowing Bobby to have the name for only one year, at which point there will be a Justice Department review to see if he can keep the name.

This arrangement is bogus, compared to reality and actual law, so I’m assuming that the writers are just putting the pieces in place for an extended battle where JR does everything he can to make Bobby lose the Ewing name so JR can get it for himself. Sounds rather boring, but I guess I’ll see what happens.

JR’s office again, where this time April waltzes in, fully intending to gloat over having made a bundle by selling her Westar stock to Jeremy Wendell. Too bad that poor little JR doesn’t get to be chairman of Westar after all his unethical attempts to be just that. JR basically tells April and her hair that nobody should ever underestimate him. Who cares, JR, you aren’t winning RIGHT NOW and that’s all that matters.

Cut to Bobby and can’t-stand-her Kay in Washington. They are having dinner, which people seem to be doing all the time in Washington for some reason. It’s fundamentally a break-up scene, which is fine by me, but then Kay has to up the irritation factor by uttering this line about not being with Bobby anymore: “Even the pain is better than being with ANYONE else.”

That has got to be the most inane piece of dialogue ever written.

Now we’re at South Fork, and it’s breakfast time. Everyone’s all gathered around, (well, at least the people who are legally allowed to be on the premises), and Clay makes the announcement that he and Miss Ellie are now co-owners of South Fork. JR, right on cue, blows his top and starts ranting, not even stopping when Miss Ellie wails at him “Don’t you care AT ALL about my happiness?” No, he doesn’t, Miss Ellie. Have you not read any of these scripts?

Of course, there’s the obligatory chest-thumping confrontation between JR and Clay. When it becomes clear that JR has no valid reason for having an issue with this and he’s apparently not going to get his way, JR throws out his trump card: “I’m leaving South Fork. This is no longer my home.”

Good. Teresa and I will help you pack.

Jump over to Ray’s house, where his body is once again barely covered by a sheet as he rolls around in his bed. Jenna waltzes in the door with breakfast that she clearly doesn’t have the skills to have actually cooked, and starts babbling away about their life together. Just to make her shut up, Ray confesses about his affair with Connie. Jenna gulps and then wanders out of the room without closing the door, which is really rude.

Back over to South Fork, where JR is packing a suitcase in his room. (Dude, you have staff on the payroll that can do this for you, why are you bothering with it?) Bobby comes in and tries to counsel JR on the error of his ways. Instead of a big blow-up, which I’d like to see because I don’t want these two to ever get along, they actually bond a bit. JR is still intent on leaving, but they end the conversation in a civil manner with both of them teary-eyed over Jock. (Who has been gone for HOW many seasons now?)

Speaking of past cast members, I’m totally stunned when we cut to whatever that room is at South Fork where they have the curving staircase that keeps getting remodeled every season for no apparent reason. (Well, except for the one year with the fire. At least then I understood the renovation.) Out of the weird hallway on the left comes none other than Lucy Ewing.

Lucy! That we haven’t seen in at least seven seasons. Who knows what plans the writers have for her, but I’m thrilled. Loved her. (And I also don’t know where Charlene Tilton has been since she left the show, but it was apparently a really good place. She looks amazing.)

Lucy wanders around for a bit, calling out to see if anybody’s home. Then little Christopher comes running down the famous stairs. He’s not really impressed with Lucy’s arrival on the scene, she was gone before he had actual dialogue on this show, but at least he’s full of information. “Uncle JR moved out!” Lucy breaks into a glowing smile. “What a great day to come back home!”

I hear ya sister.

Cut to Cliff’s office, where he and April are apparently waiting for someone to show up to a business meeting. Turns out that someone is Casey Denault, whose dramatic firing by JR caused Sly to use even more hairspray than ever on her coiffure. April just glares at Casey. They are still not friends by any means, but she’s going along for the ride because Cliff wants to do this: The two of them are going to fund Casey’s dream of finally drilling for oil on his “daddy’s land,” that patch of dirt we’ve been hearing about from Casey for who knows how long.

Casey is stunned, then euphoric. He promises that great things will happen. Cliff is very excited as well, this is yet another way to get back at JR. April is still bitter, and knocks Casey down a notch. “Just send the royalty checks.”

Back to South Fork, where Lucy and Miss Ellie are chatting. Lucy is perusing a cache of framed photos and reflecting on the fates of various family members. “How sad. One by one, they all leave South Fork.” (And all because of one person. Well, except for the ones that were lucky enough to die or be killed.)

Miss Ellie ignores this slight dig, and instead questions Lucy on why she decided to come home way after her contract had expired. Lucy fesses up that husband Mitch has been ignoring her and she’s wasting away in their mansion. “I just need some time to think..”

Zip over to John Ross’ school, the Preparatory Academy for Children Being Used as Pawns in Divorce Settlements. JR shows, and then begins filling John Ross’ head with twisted lies about why they can’t live at South Fork anymore and that his mommy is a drunken slut. John Ross beams in acceptance, the stupid child. JR’s evil work is never done.

We end the episode in Jeremy Wendell’s office. JR walks in (where is Security when you need them?), full of his usual cockiness. Jeremy is initially bored with the show, and they spar a little bit. Then JR plays his ace concerning the natural gas resource that Jeremy bought from Cliff. “Your line has to cross MY property.” (That little bit of land where Sly dressed up like a hooker and straddled a porch railing so some old geezer would get horny and sign over the rights.)

Jeremy: “What do you want?”

JR: “Meet me tomorrow in my office. It’s not money I want.”

Hmm. The next episode is the last for this season. There’s no telling what kind of cliff hanger this is going to be. Oh wait, did I just make a pun? My bad.

#108 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 4

So once again, we’re traipsing back to camp after someone has been evicted. This time it’s the Villains tribe, and Randy is the one who has gone home after destroying fine couture in the tribal fire. They don’t even pretend to miss him, and really, what’s the point in getting emotional about someone that nobody really liked?

Still and all, they should have sent Parvati home. The remnants of this tribe will regret their decision. I realize that I seem to be a bit fixated on the ouster of this trollop, but seriously, these people need to understand that Parvati will work you over. Why do you THINK she’s on the Villains tribe? It’s certainly not for her humanitarian work.

We suddenly cut to Coach standing somewhere that’s not near the rest of the nasty villains. It’s hard to tell what’s going on with the night-vision cameras they use. And really, what’s the deal with those things? Why do they use them? Do the producers actually expect us to believe that the Survivors aren’t going to notice the cameras just because they don’t light up in the night?

Come on. These people know where the cameras are at all time, even when they’re asleep. That’s WHY they are on the show. Especially on the Villains tribe, where any one of them would happily club a baby seal with a piece of bamboo in order to get to a cameraman first. So ditch the stupid night-vision hardware and turn on some lights so we can see what’s what and people don’t look like possessed Smurfs.

Anyway, back to Coach. He’s getting all teary-eyed because of something Sandra said at Tribal. (As I previously mentioned, Sandra did slam him a little bit, but she was speaking the truth. When it comes to physical labor, Coach is nowhere to be found, instead opting to stand on a beach and praise himself while in the Downward-Facing Dog position.) If Coach is going to be devastated by THAT remark, the dude is in trouble.

Right then, Tyson stupidly wanders by and gets caught up in the self-imposed trauma. “I’m sensitive!” Coach wails, followed by “I did noble things!” Sadly, Tyson, along with the viewing audience, stops to stare in disbelief at Coach, and Tyson is therefore trapped and must respond in some way, He should have just kept walking and try to look for the machete that Russell buried.

Coach, realizing that he finally has someone paying at least partial attention, really puts on the waterworks display. He’s sobbing big time, making him look even less attractive, as if that was even possible. (By the way, where’s Jerri during all this? Aren’t those two playing slap and tickle among the coconuts?) Tyson, to his credit, because I wasn’t aware that he even realized there were other people on the island, tries to be supportive.

They hug it out a bit, twice in fact, and then Tyson offers to coach Coach on what he should do to get back in good graces with the tribe. Coach, because he’s not used to listening to anybody and instead assumes that people should listen to HIM, is a little startled. “What do you mean?” he asks, taken aback.

Tyson: “Don’t wear feathers to Tribal. And don’t tell your stories. Nobody believes them.” (I almost wet myself over that bit.)

Coach sniffles and then says haughtily. “I might leave tonight. This game doesn’t deserve my nobility.”

Oh please. Are you seriously that far gone? Nobility? Are you missing some pages in your dictionary?

Opening credits roll, and they are surprisingly short. As in just a bit of music, a few snippets of the island, and we’re done. No roll call whatsoever. What’s up with that?

Then we’re at the Villains camp the next morning. Coach is full drama-queen mode, announcing that he’s going for a walk and then he and his feather march into the jungle. After he flits out of the scene, Tyson spills to the rest of the tribe that Coach cried like a baby.

Rob is not impressed with this. He tracks down Coach quite easily, because Coach ain’t going anywhere far since that would require physical effort. Rob is pleasant at first, with another man-hug and all that, but then he tells Coach to toughen up. “Act like a man!” Then Boston Rob wanders off in search of a bar where everybody knows your name.

Coach in a sidebar: “Nobody out here has got what I have.” (Hallelujah for that, nobody should WANT what you’ve got.) Then delusional Coach compares himself to a Fierce Warrior (heard that before, still looking for proof) and to King Arthur. That one’s new. Still wrong, but new.

Then we have a brief scene in the Heroes camp where they get a modified Sears catalog in the tree mail. This means, of course, that the upcoming Reward challenge is one where the tribe gets to pick out, and hopefully win, something fancy from the catalog. But I think they only did this scene to remind us that there is actually another tribe, because it’s been total Coach TV up to this point.

Anyway, time for the Reward Challenge.

This one involves people hurling their bodies down a giant slip-n-slide, grabbing a numbered ball, and then throwing that ball in a primitive hoop basket. The competition is actually very tight, with the decision coming down to the final pair of sliders. (In the interim, the only things worth mentioning is that Cirie falls on her butt and is worthless, Courtney is too freakishly thin to even be alive, and James, despite his messed-up attitude, looks really good when his muscles are slickered up with oil.)

The Villains eventually win, but just by seconds. The Heroes stand around looking sad, waiting for Cirie to finally get all the way down the slip-n-slide run even though her round was four players back.

Then we’re at the Villains camp, where everyone is really psyched over the win, and Coach seems to be in a better mood. (Which sucks, can’t stand him, want him to suffer.) While they’re screwing around with the tool kit that they won, Russell is fiddling with a knife sheath of some kind and a rolled-up clue drops out. What’s this?

Rob snatches it up (while Russell glares at him) and proceeds to read aloud the contents. Seems there’s a hidden Immunity Idol, and Rob shares the details of this first clue with the entire tribe. Some mess about certain oddly-growing trees on the beach.

Sandra immediately bellows that they should find the Idol and throw it in the ocean so no one can have it. Everyone (minus Russell) seems to think this is a swell idea. In fact, the tribe decides (minus Russell), NO ONE should even go look for it. Instead, they should work on the shelter, screw the Idol, because if you find it and we know it, you’re a marked man.

So they start working on their Hud Housing with the new tools they won.

Within 15 seconds, because he can’t help himself, Russell announces that he’s “going for a walk.” (Gee, Russell, I don’t know if that was obvious enough. Perhaps you really ARE just trying to get some exercise. Not.)

As soon as Russell runs away to dig for the Idol, Rob tells Sandra to follow him and get the scoop on his actions. Sandra, totally loving this assignment, races through the jungle and down the beach, dodging and weaving and hiding and craning for a good view. She gets one, as she catches stupid Russell pawing at the sand.

Sandra light warps it back to the rest of the tribe and confirms what they suspected. Immediately, everyone is calling for Russell’s head and screaming that he should go home next. While this is thrilling, because I can’t stand the little man, we’ll have to wait and see when it comes to actual votes. These people are not faithful to any concept for any length of time.

Rob, in a sidebar, compares Russell to “a hobbit on crack.” Priceless, right?

Zip over to the Heroes camp the next day, where they manage to find a similar Hidden Immunity Idol clue in the coffee beans they won last week. Wait, the beans they won LAST WEEK? Damn, these people are slow.

Anyway, JT reads the details of the clue aloud, and this time there’s no agreement that nobody should look for the idol. Next thing you know, the whole tribe is thundering around the island, with sand flying in all directions and people grunting as they rip and tear in desperation.

Tom manages to find it.

Amanda sees him find it (oops) and practically breaks her neck running to tell the others. Within 15 seconds, the entire Southern Hemisphere knows that Tom has the Idol.

Tom tells Colby that they will have to use this Idol as a tool to get back in good graces with the tribe. True, you need to do exactly that. But you better be careful. People with a constant supply of sand in their cracks are not rational.

Immunity Challenge.

This one involves the giant hamster ball thing, where blind-folded people push a sighted person strapped in the ball along a path up to a table-sized maze, and then the sighted person instructs other blind-folded people who are operating the maze, so they can maneuver a silver ball into a hole.

This is the same setup where “good Russell” from last season suddenly collapsed and had to be removed from the show, thus resulting in the only “Survivor” competition in history that had to be completely stopped and no one actually won.

Jeff makes a big deal about this, which I kind of understand, but at the same time I’m thinking, why would you bring this particular challenge back? Shouldn’t you just let it go, out of respect, because it was pretty traumatic when Good Russell fell. But maybe that’s just me. I sometimes forget that this show is no longer about doing the right thing. My bad.

Anyway, we get going, with Rob leading the Villains and Tom leading the Heroes. The Villains pull ahead at one point, then the Heroes catch up, and it comes right down to the wire. In the end, the Villains win.

We cut over to the Heroes camp.

Tom, in a sidebar, says he is looking for breaks in the current alliances, anything that can help him flip the situation. Good plan. But in the end, don’t do anything stupid with that damn Idol in your sock. You might need it.

Then we have Candice babbling about the numbers strategy, where if they split the vote, half for Tom and half for Colby, they guarantee one of them going home, even with the Idol in play. Sounds good on paper, Candy, but all it takes is one person to jack things up. Word.

Then we have JT in a sidebar. He’s seriously thinking about an alliance with Tom and Colby. (See, Candice, this is what I’m talking about. You might have interesting teeth and a head for numbers, but logic is not a high priority in this game. And by the way, didn’t you abandon your original tribe during your season? Thought I’d mention that. Again.)

Tom approaches Amanda and JT. He’s willing to give the Idol to them, so it can be used as “community property” in a new alliance. JT is very pumped about this. (Amanda appears to be distracted by something shiny in the sand. She’s just not the sharpest tool.) James wanders up, and he seems down with the new alliance. The four of them (and really five, since Colby will follow Tom) agree that Candice is the one that should go home. Clap and break huddle.

Then stupid Amanda goes to Cirie, and spills all. Cirie immediately tries to spin this around, insisting that Tom or Colby needs to go. This could be a major mistake on Cirie’s part. Why would you mess with things, when YOU are not the target? (Especially since Candice is not trustworthy and will jump alliances quicker than Russell will steal something from camp.) Shut up, vote with the rest, start a new week of negotiations, and prepare to once again be worthless in a challenge.

JT overhears the Fab Four changing things up, so he goes scampering back to Tom and they come up with Plan B. Cirie is too good at manipulating people. Maybe SHE should go home? (I’m sayin.) And since everybody knows that Cirie and the Supremes are going to purposely split the vote (three for Tom, three for Colby) in order to minimize the damage if the Immunity Idol comes into play, Tom and Colby only need one person to change their vote and they can send somebody ELSE home.

Hi there, JT. How ya doin? You’re lookin really good today, nice hair. Say, we have a little idea that you might be interested in….

JT in a sidebar: “I gotta make a decision.” Does he stick with the Supremes and remain in an alliance that has bigger numbers (at least for now) but questionable players, or does he go with Tom and Colby, both very strong, and risk the remaining four Heroes possibly coming after him? Hmm.

Time for Tribal.

And immediately Jeff focuses on this numbers issue. Are you people doing the right thing here by making it all about the numbers and mini-alliances and bickering? Because there’s this OTHER thing you might want to consider: Actually winning the challenges so you wouldn’t have to keep having these little votes. Hayyy.

He keeps harping about this until Rupert finally confesses that he’s not happy about tonight’s intended vote. This sends Jeff over the edge, and he basically starts yelling at all of them for being stupid. I’m fascinated by this development, since Jeff usually just stands there all stone-faced and wearing his perfectly-positioned necklace. Clearly, Jeff has eaten something disagreeable for lunch.

There’s a bit more discussion. Tom states “I believe Cirie is not worried at all” about going home tonight. (The camera cuts to Cirie. Nope, she’s not worried. Instead, it appears that she’s thinking about her next album cover.) James rambles for a while about the social aspect of the game being “pointless”. Can’t say that I agree with him. You can only win so many challenges, so at some point you will have to talk to SOMEBODY or you might end up socializing with Jeff as he puts your torch out.

Time for the Vote.

Just as Jeff is about to read the purposely-arranged votes, Tom plays the Immunity Idol, as fully expected. (Tom should have just handed the idol to Jeff as they marched into Tribal.) We end up with three votes for Tom (which don’t count), three votes for a very-surprised Cirie, and only two votes for Colby. JT has flipped, and Cirie is going home.

If you’d just laid low, Cirie, this wouldn’t have happened. You weren’t even on the radar until you spoke up and tried to force your will. Yes, it IS a social game. But sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut and go look for seashells.

On a happier note, at least you finally ditched the Supremes and can go have that solo career you always wanted….