#120 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 4

So we start out with Jackie marching down the sidewalk on a busy street. She looks none too happy. (To be fair, she never really looks happy, but she’s sporting a Defcon-4 sour expression at the moment, so somebody’s going to get hurt.) I’m assuming that she’s still steaming from encountering former-lover, now-psycho Eddie in her own home and apparently best friends with her hubby Kevin.

Sure enough, she stomps into the pharmacy where Eddie works, hijacks his conversation with a elderly woman who just wants her government pills, and then sends the addled woman on her confused way. Then she focuses on Whack Job. “You cannot come into my house, Eddie!”

Eddie, because he’s not exactly firmly grasping the concepts of reality and a woman with a mission, professes his love for her and really doesn’t want to hear anything else. When Jackie reiterates that “do not come into my house” really means “do not come into my house”, Eddie gets a wee bit bitter, even though he manages to hit the nail on the head with his retort. “You’re just greedy.” You want everything. Your way.

Jackie, who obviously has some anger management issues and a considerable inability to properly handle the truth, does not care for this remark. She yells some more threats (even though we know instantly that Eddie is not listening), and then she destroys a very nice display of vitamins that somebody spent a lot of time constructing. Like that’s going to help in any way.

Once she’s back outside, Jackie calls Kevin. Hey, why don’t you send our unbalanced children to your sisters for the evening so we can have a date night? Translation, I’m going to keep you busy so that you won’t have an opportunity to pal around with your new bestie that is really my old bestie that I slept with until that damn automatic pill-dispenser came onto the scene.

Cut to Zoey and Sam at the hospital. Sam is babbling away, possibly trying to be philosophical, but it’s so boring that it comes across as white noise. Zoey puts a stop to this. “I don’t do chatty.” Interesting expression, Zoey. Isn’t that the same phrase Jackie threw your direction when you burst through the doors last season, with your Hello Kitty accessories and your inability to shut up?

Suddenly none of this matters, as right then a woman races into the Emergency Room. Her young child has stopped breathing. Not good. Zoey races over, grabs the child, and starts screaming for a doctor as she hustles to an examining room.

There’s not a doctor immediately available, so it’s up to Zoey and Thor to do what they can. Then we have an amazingly-directed scene where Zoey just takes charge. All background noise drops, and we only hear the conversation between the two. Zoey gets the child breathing again with intubation (Thor: “You’re not legally allowed to…”), and then calmly stays in control when the child’s heartbeat flatlines. In the end, she saves the day. A few minutes later, Dr. O’Hara arrives and Zoey quietly slips away.

Thor to O’Hara: “She saved his life. Twice. But she might have done something that she…”

O’Hara: “Then why are we still talking about it?”

Now we’re at the Nurses’ station, where some nasty EMT guy (Lenny) is irritating everyone as he slurps Mountain Dew, crunches on chips, and is generally a pig. Zoey and Thor make disparaging remarks about his unwanted presence, but he doesn’t get it. Pigs usually don’t. That’s why they’re pigs.

Jackie wanders up, pulls Zoey to the side, and actually reprimands her for what she just did while saving the child. Zoey is stunned. “You are the last person I expected that from. I was only doing what needed to be done.” (Seriously, Jacks, what’s up with you?)

Then Mrs. Akalitus strolls up, spies the piggy EMT, and barks out an amazing line of dialogue: “Don’t eat by the urine!” (Must have been a fun meeting when the script-writers came up with THAT mess.)

Cut to Jackie and Dr. Cooper attending to a chemo patient who is really having a hard time with the side-effects. Can’t keep anything down, nothing is helping his pain, and he’s just not doing well. Jackie: “Have you tried smoking pot?” Coop nearly implodes.

A few minutes later, he corners her outside the examining room. He’s livid that she would dare to suggest an illegal activity to a patient. (Go look in the mirror, Coop. There are so many kinds of wrong going on with you right now. You have a PUBLICIST, for cryin out loud.) Jackie: “I’m gonna make a suggestion if it helps a patient.”

In another examining room, we have Dr. O’Hara and Sam reviewing a patient. Initially, there’s lots of boring medical talk, then we realize that the banter has turned to actual flirting. Next thing you know, both of them are racing off to the hospital chapel (the CHAPEL!) where they go at it like rabbits. In the midst of the lusty frenzy, Sam fesses up that he has a girlfriend. O’Hara: “So do I.”

What?

Scene with Jackie in Mrs. Akalitus’ office. Aka first asks about how things are going with Jackie’s creepy little child that worships death. It’s going okay, hard to get an appointment with the fancy psychiatrist that Aka recommended, but anyway. Then Akalitus gets to the real point. Seems Dr. Cooper has already complained about Jackie and her Janis Joplin world-view concerning illicit drugs. Jackie is not impressed. Akalitus: “I’m not a prude, Jackie. I was at Woodstock.” Jackie: “No you weren’t.”

Back at the Nurses’ station, Jackie and sleazy Lenny are engaged in some mindless chatter about a caricature. O’Hara waltzes into the scene, and Jackie’s radar starts beeping. She marches up to O’Hara: “Lunch. Now.”

Cut to a nearby restaurant, where Jackie digs for gold. O’Hara: “I shagged a nurse.” When Jackie appears to be appalled at the sordid details, O’Hara changes the subject. (Always a good move when people are not impressed with your lust for life.) “Tell me about Eddie. Do you think he’ll go to Kevin and spill the beans?” Jackie: Nope. (Said with hesitation, make a note.) O’Hara: “Do you love him?” Jackie takes the Fifth.

Now we’re at Kevin’s bar, where psycho Eddie wanders in, waving some primo tickets to the Mets game that night. Wanna go? Kevin sadly admits that it’s date night with the Missus. Eddie: Well then, don’t wanna upset Jackie. Then his eyes sparkle with madness as he accepts a proffered beer from Kevin.

Quick scene with O’Hara buying a bouquet of flowers. Who knows.

Next up is Sam and Thor at an elevator or some such, not sure where they are. Sam’s all twitchy, clearly unnerved about something. (Perhaps the carnal activities in the House of God?) Thor tries to be supportive, remembering that Sam is struggling to stay on the wagon with his drug issues. Thor: “Consider me your work-place sponsor. You can tell me anything.” Sam: “I slept with a doctor.” Thor, immediately changing his tune: “I’m not talking to you.” Then he races away.

Jackie stops by to visit the cancer patient, who has been checked out and is ready to leave. Jackie offers to push him to the exit in a wheelchair (protocol, natch). As they roll through the ward, they pass Coop explaining to Zoey that he now has over 1,000 followers on Twitter. Zoey doesn’t care. We don’t care. Nobody cares except for Coop. He pauses to tweet about the situation.

Just before Jackie wheels the cancer patient out the doors, she grabs an apple off a passing meal cart, meaning that somebody is going to be really disappointed in a few minutes. Once outside, Jackie rolls her patient up to nasty Lenny’s ambulance. They clamor inside, wherein Jackie proceeds to make a bong out of the apple and then crams it full of some Lenny weed. She then instructs the patient on the art of apple-bonging. He instantly feels better than he has in months.

Nasty Lenny: Dude, how did you know I had weed?

Jackie: Mountain Dew and Doritos? Done.

Nasty Lenny: But the apple thing?

Jackie: Jones Beach. Toto concert. Back in the day.

Me: I really led a sheltered life.

Patient, feeling the effects of the special apple juice: “I’m actually hungry. Can we turn on the siren?”

Back in the hospital, Zoey is fiddling with something, when Dr. O’Hara slinks in the door. O’Hara places the mysterious bouquet of flowers on the counter, then pretends to study some charts. As Zoey looks at her questioningly, O’Hara explains: “They’re for you. Good work.”

LUV me some Dr. O’Hara. Despite the questionable dalliance among the pews.

Zoey doesn’t even know how to respond, so she acts instead, wandering off to call an elevator. The doors are just about to close when Jackie races up and jumps on the elevator with her. But they don’t say anything to each other. Gee, Jackie, feeling a little guilty about being a black kettle?

They exit the elevator on the pediatric floor, where Zoey gazes at the sleeping child she rescued. They stand there for a bit, then Zoey surprises us. “I think I’m pregnant.” Another pause. Then Jackie reaches out and briefly smoothes Zoey’s hair before pulling her hand back. Nice moment.

Later, as Jackie is preparing to leave the hospital for the night, she gets a call from Kevin. Can we push Date Night back a few hours? Tickets to the Mets game and all. Then Jackie hears Eddie in the background. “Put him on!” Eddie takes the phone from Kevin. Jackie: “Do NOT do this!” Eddie ignores her, because he’s in full-tilt psycho mode. Great. The fun never ends.

Cut to Jackie in her empty house, making cookies, with one of the ingredients being wacky weed. She then traipses off to the cancer guy’s apartment and hands him the goodies. Just “one of these a day” should do it. Here’s a half-cookie to get you through the evening. Then Jackie proceeds to clean out the guy’s refrigerator while he relaxes and watches the Mets game….

#119 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 8

We start out with the Villains arriving back at camp after the ouster of Rob. As expected, Russell is being his usual blowhard self, while Parvati is throwing out lines like “I just love blindsiding people” and Danielle is doing a shimmy dance of celebration and backstabbing. Nothing new, really.

Cut to Coach in a sidebar: “Russell is a bully.” He’s playing to prove his power and not playing to win the game. Normally don’t care for Coach, but that was a pretty on-target. I’m sure I sound like a broken record, but Russell’s ego is his own worst enemy.

Then we have Coach and Jerri standing on a beach, with everything looking all stark and dreary like we’re trapped in an Ingmar Bergman film where everybody is sad and people die. Jerri is quibbling about whether or not it was a smart move to send Rob home, and Coach surprises me again by directly confronting her: “Why were you so quick to get rid of him?” Jerri gets a little snippy about it, but really doesn’t answer the question. Why DID you do that, Jerri? You think Russell has any intention of paying it forward with you? But Jerri just stands there in a dramatic pose while the wind whips her mass of hair around, causing a planetary imbalance.

Another sidebar with Coach, talking about the Villains chances as a tribe: “We’re toast. Pray for the merge.”

Roll opening credits. (Followed by a batch of commercials, including one for the TV show “Medium”. Seriously? That show is still on? And is Patricia Arquette ever going to find a haircut that is actually flattering?)

Now we’re at the Heroes camp, where everyone is fiddling around with the shelter in some unexplained effort to improve it. Except for JT. He goes wandering off to find the hidden Immunity Idol. (Wait, isn’t HE the one that said they should all find it together and use it together? Interesting.) Amanda, who does have moments of inspiration from time to time before she lapses back into catatonia, decides to follow him.

We see JT find the Idol, followed two seconds later by Amanda confronting him about what he’s doing. He fesses up, and shows her the hallowed green thing. Then Candice comes running down the same path, and he has to show her. Within a few more seconds, the whole tribe knows. JT, doing some spin control: “I’ll give it to the first one of us that needs it. After the merge.” Good save, JT. But really, don’t you think there’s going to be some fallout from you breaking your own directive?

Turns out, yes there is. Candice wanders over to Amanda, who is busy adjusting her cleavage for the cameras: “Good thing you walked up on him.” Then Candice in a sidebar, where she proclaims JT the “slimiest thing” around. She goes on for a while about JT being Satan with a broken tooth. Come on, Candice. You’re the one that kept changing tribes every other episode in your original season.

But Candice isn’t done with the JT thing. She tracks down Amanda again, digging for dirt. “JT’s in an alliance with everyone. Is he in an alliance with you?” Amanda gets an expression on her face like she would rather stab herself in the eye with Rupert’s broken toe before admitting that she IS in cahoots, sort of, with JT. Then she comes back with: “Is he in an alliance with YOU?” They glare at each other for a while.

Cut over to the Villains camp, where Russell and Danielle are eating what appear to be barbequed rocks. Not sure what that was. Then we have more scenes with people talking about how hungry they are, and other scenes with weakened people lying on the beach, their energy depleted, especially Jerri, who apparently can’t lift her head because her hair is too heavy.

Luckily, tree mail arrives so we don’t have to see anymore of that mess. There’s a challenge coming up, but the description is kind of vague. Some of the Villains decide that it’s going to be an “individual” challenge, and therefore the tribes are about to merge. That’s not how I took it. Then again, I’m sitting in the comfort of my home, while these people are eating rocks and believing anything Russell says. In any case, the Villains decide to pack up everything in camp in case they aren’t coming back.

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Both tribes traipse into the playing area and have to pass a rustic little hut where steaming pizzas and sodas and such are on display. When the Heroes realize that the Villains have sent home Rob, all of their jaws drop. Jeff jumps on this, asking them what they think.

Rupert jumps right in and further confirms that he has lost his credibility and respect this season, spouting off about Rob’s departure confirming that this is the result of an “all-girl alliance” on the Villains tribe. How the hell did you get THAT, Rupe? If you’re really paying attention, you would realize that Russell is currently running the show over at the other camp. Oh wait. In order to realize this, you would have to get off your Yoda log and do some actual work. My bad.

Then Jeff stokes the fire by babbling about how long they’ve been out there on the island, and the tribes are whittling down. The Villains are cheering and waving their campfire accessories. The Heroes are gulping and not really relishing a merge at this point. (If they only knew about the dissension in the Villains camp, they would actually welcome a merge, since they would instantly gain some disgruntled flippers.) Jeff finally comes out with: “Everybody drop your…. expectations.” No merge. The Villains now look silly, and the Heroes look relieved.

On to the actual challenge, which is basically “Survivor Bowling”, with the first tribe to win three rounds gaining access to the pizza. The Heroes get off to a great start, solidly winning the first two rounds. Then they hit a speed bump in the third round, where Colby does a dumbass move and thinks he’s playing volleyball, spiking the ball instead of rolling it. Russell takes that round for the Villains. (Grrr.) Then Amanda seals it for the Heroes by taking the third round. The Villains now have to drag all that crap back home, with nothing to show for it.

Cut to the pizza feast a bit later, with the Heroes shoving crusty goodness into their mouths. While they chew, JT announces that he’s also a believer in the “all-girl” alliance in the other tribe. He thinks this means that Russell and Coach are now sitting ducks. Woo hoo!

Poor disillusioned people. Hope you really enjoy that pizza before you have to come back to reality.

Cut over to the Villains camp, where Jerri is just really mad. Period. She thinks the people who were convinced that this was a merge made the tribe look like idiots. (Okay, fair point. But girl, be careful. Any single thing you do when the numbers start to dwindle can shine a spotlight on you. Then again, you sent Rob home over Russell. You‘re not my favorite person right now.)

Jerri’s also not pleased that Courtney and Sandra sat out the Reward Challenge, because it means they HAVE to play in the Immunity Challenge, and that’s not a good thing. (Another fair point, but this announcement instantly pisses off Courtney, Sandra and Coach, who actually made the decision. Whoopsie.) Then Jerri heads down Suicide Avenue, singling out Sandra and slamming her unfairly, putting words in Sandra’s mouth that she simply did not say.

Sandra in a sidebar: “This is the worst tribe, EVER.”

Sandra and Courtney then get together on yet another random stretch of beach. Interestingly enough (to me, anyway), their anger is not directed toward Jerri, but toward Coach, who decided to have them sit out the Reward Challenge. Sandra is going to go put a fictitious bug in Russell’s ear that Coach is gunning to get Russell out of the game. Oh boy.

Quick scene with Courtney and Coach on the beach, with Courtney babbling away. “Everyone is just blindly going along with what Russell wants.” (Very true.) Then Courtney grabs this giant driftwood branch and uses it to make her way down the beach. The branch is thicker than she is. I don’t know how she was able to lift it, let alone use it as a support device.

Scene with Russell and Sandra, where Russell is going on about having spied Courtney talking to Coach, and therefore they must be working together. This man is so paranoid about everything . How does he sleep? Sandra doesn’t care about his mental hang-ups, at all. Once she can get a word in, she launches with her lie about Coach gunning for Russell. Which is somewhat plausible, until Sandra stupidly says that Coach is feeling bad about voting to send Rob home. Coach DIDN’T vote for Rob to leave, he voted for Courtney. Russell has got to know this.

But the damage has been done. Russell throws logic out the window. Any time he perceives a possible threat to his egomaniacal kingdom, he’s going to lash out. Sandra understands this, so you have to give her credit, despite her misguided intentions.

Sandra in a sidebar: “Russell doesn’t know what he’s in for.” True to an extent, because you just twisted him. But what is your follow-through going to be? Don’t just throw a brick and run. You need to be ready with another brick. And of course, new lies that synch up with your old lies. It’s hard work.

Another quick scene with Russell and Parvati. He’s in full “trash Coach” mode, repeating Sandra’s lies as if they were gospel. Parvati doesn’t care about the “why”, she’s psyched about the drama. If they send Coach home, the Heroes tribe is going to bite even further into the illusion that there’s this “all-girl” alliance going on with the Villains. And after the merge, the Heroes will race to align with Russell, thinking he’s on the outs. And Russell can get the scoop on what the Heroes are up to. High-five!

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

The Survivors have to basically run through a mud-filled obstacle course, grab a flag at the end of the course, then race back. The first tribe to get two flags wins. (Only two? For an Immunity Challenge? Is Jeff tired?) There are going to be pairs of runners belted together, as well as individual Survivors, depending on the round.

First up, we have Amanda and Candice going against Russell and Sandra. Everyone starts out with exuberance, but the Villains quickly fall apart. Correction: Sandra falls apart. Once she’s coated in mud (which takes about two seconds), she can barely move. Eventually Russell is just dragging Sandra along as she weakly chokes on mouthfuls of mud. The Heroes easily take the round.

Next we have Rupert versus Coach, and this one is actually very close until the sprint at the end, where Rupert just can’t run on that bum foot. The Villains take the flag and we’re tied. Finally, it’s JT and Colby against Parvati and Courtney. The guys pull it off and the Heroes win Immunity. Then the camera pans to Courtney lying in the mud pit. (You only know she’s there because you can see her eyes. Otherwise you would think it’s just a tree root.) It seems she’s sprained her ankle. Jeff signals for Medical.

Cut to the Villains camp afterward, with folks splashing in the ocean and trying to chisel off the caked mud. Then we have a sidebar with Coach, where he goes off on one of his Dragon Slayer rants, because he hasn’t yet done so this episode, and we gotta get THAT in. He’s mad about the “forced-five” alliance that he’s now in because Jerri flipped to Russell’s side. (Dude, you don’t have to do anything just because of Big Hair. In fact, you didn’t even vote the same way she did with the Rob thing. Why is everybody forgetting how Coach voted the last time? Even, apparently, Coach.)

Coach then wanders up to Russell, and tries to get the scoop about what’s going on. Russell, for once, really doesn’t have anything to say and just stands there staring out at the sea, probably looking for a cruise ship to float by with a “We heart Russell!” banner on the side. Russell explains his silence in a sidebar: “Coach is going home.”

Well, maybe not.

A very irritated Danielle comes running up to Russell. What are you thinking? “We need to KEEP Coach!” We’ve got to win some challenges, and we aren’t going to do that with Sandra and Courtney barely able to feed themselves. They really get into it, yelling and screaming, until Russell does what he always does when confronted with sound logic that he can’t get around. He calls Danielle a stupid girl and then stomps off. Nice.

Sidebar with Danielle, where she’s furious with Russell over the Coach vote.

Sidebar with Sandra and Courtney, where they really want Coach to go. (Of course they do, because it means they get to be useless for another week.)

Then, out of the blue, Russell comes running up to Parvati and still-steaming Danielle. He’s changed his mind. Danielle’s right. Let’s send Courtney home. (Where did THAT come from? What is he up to?)

Sidebar with Parvati, where she is just flummoxed by this crazy tribe. They cannot seem to work together. (To be fair, Parv, you’re only working with Danielle and Russell as you throw everybody else under the bus. Not exactly the best way to keep the tribe loyal, right?)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff gets right to the point: You’ve sent home Tyson, you’ve sent home Rob, and you’ve lost the last four challenges in a row. Bad decisions? Suddenly everybody’s yelling, either in denial or just because it’s fun. At one point, Jeff suddenly gets worked up about Courtney for some reason, and starts slamming her, calling her useless and saying that she sent Rob home. She didn’t VOTE for Rob. When Courtney tries to point this out, Jeff repeats it. Then he purposely stirs up Coach to go after Courtney. What is Jeff’s deal? Was the bill from Medical too high?

Finally Courtney has had enough, and she unleashes with exactly what she thinks about everything. And she’s 90% spot-on with what she says. (Which irritates half the tribe, since nobody wants the truth to come out at Tribal, because then you don’t get a blind-side and the ratings drop.) Courtney ends with “I’m a determined little bit**!” Sandra really enjoys that line. “You deserve a bump, girl.” And they do.

Time to vote.

Coach, Russell and Jerri vote for Courtney. Sandra, Courtney, Danielle and Parvati vote for Coach. What just happened? Not only did Danielle and Parvati split from Russell, they voted for someone that Danielle wanted to keep. Are they just mad at Russell and did it out of spite?

Or is there really an all-girl alliance after all? Hmm. Surely not. But we clearly were not shown some pivotal scenes that must have taken place at some point. And Russell may have just lost control.

In any case, the Yoga Slayer has exited the building…

#118 - “United States of Tara” - Season 2, Episode 3

We start out with Tara looking all forlorn and sitting in a swing. She’s a little blue about all this transitioning mess and having to lie to Max, not to mention the business with Buck demanding timeshare on her body. He’s been doing this for two weeks now and-

Hold up, Girl. Two WEEKS? I’m thinking you need to get a little help from somebody at this point. Geez.

Then Tara provides a pitiful voice-over while we are treated to a montage of exactly what Buck has been up to during his watch with Tara’s body. Well, he’s basically been spending all that time with Pammy and her cute little girls, bonding and all. Oh, and there’s been some sex. Lots of it.

Speaking of intimate relations, we zip over to Marshall’s school where he and his apparently official girlfriend, Courtney, are primly sitting around the schoolyard talking to each other in that mousy way they have. Interestingly enough, she’s wanting to discuss physical lovin. “I think about sex all the time!” Marshall’s a bit startled, especially when she makes it clear that she is MORE than ready to go all the way. Any time. Right here on the sidewalk if you want.

It’s sad, really. First of all, not really buying the whole “Marshall being straight” thing. He knows too much about black-and-white movies. Then there’s Courtney. She’s so clinical and detached, even when trying to be naughty. Marshall, Dude, if you’re going to cross-over, at least do it with someone who’s the tiniest bit sexy.

Then we have Charmaine, Tara and… one half of the gay couple that lives on Tara’s street, haven’t learned their names yet. Anway, they’re having an impromptu girl party, doing beauty treatments and such. Then Charmaine startles us with the announcement that she was a LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation) back in her college days, running around with a girl who was “very proud of her vagina”. Well, then. And though Charmaine left all that behind long ago, she hasn’t closed the door on the possibility. “I’m gonna go gay when I decide to start eating carbs again.”

Quick scene with Tara sitting in her car somewhere, studying herself in the rearview mirror and trying to act and talk like Buck. This can’t be good.

Max and Neal are over at the Hubbard House, which is now actually Max and Tara’s second house, waiting for some contractor to show. From the conversation, it appears that Neal is still pining for Charmaine and has no clue that she’s about to get hitched to another man. Hmm. There’s potential disaster around every corner in this episode.

Next up, Kate arrives back at Lynda’s house, the stoner chick with lots of imagination and colorful accessories. It seems that Lynda’s check to the debt collection company bounced. How sad. Just then, another stoner rides up on a bicycle, and then everybody goes inside the stoner house to do stoner things.

Another quick scene with Tara practicing Buck mannerisms. (Okay, we get it, Tara’s about to do something really mean and she’s going to do it as Buck. Check.)

Back over to Lynda’s House of Weed and Debt, where everybody is, not surprisingly, very high. They’re all babbling and laughing and carrying on about nothing. Except for this one unidentified guy sitting in a chair off to the side. He’s not moving and might not even be breathing. But since we don’t know his name, there’s no real drama and we move on.

Now we’re at Marshall’s high school, in what appears to be the auditorium, with Bitter Roxy and his hair trying to direct a scene in a play. Or something. Still don’t care for that character so I’m bored before he even opens his mouth. But where’s Marshall?

THERE he is, high up in the rafters with irritating Courtney. Lo and behold, she’s actually pawing away at his privates (just out of camera view, of course, don’t set your DVR if you’re wanting soft porn) while he provides commentary. Then they switch and he fiddles around with her business. It has got to be the most awkward and uncomfortable sex scene ever captured on film. Then Courtney manages to kick over something noisy, the folks down on the stage look up in surprise, and we’re done. Thank God.

Tara finally knocks on Pammy’s door after the extensive dress rehearsal in the parking lot. Pammy is thrilled to see Buck, but it quickly becomes apparent that something is not right, especially when Buck just stares at his beer instead of drinking it. Tara takes a deep breath. “This is not working out.”

Back over to the Stone Cold Palace. The dead guy and all the extras have left, leaving just Kate and Lynda to deal with their munchies. For kicks, Lynda starts dragging out all her Valhalla Hawkwind props from back in the day. Kate decides that she wants to put on one of the outfits. Okay, producer people, let’s pick things up a bit. This particular subplot is going from interesting to dull very quickly.

And we’re at Pammy’s again. It looks like something major was revealed while we watched Kate play dress-up, because Pammy is crying hysterically and on the verge of doing something really unsavory. Tara: “I have a disorder.” Pammy: “It’s always the disease’s fault, never someone just being an a**hole!” (I actually really like that line and might need to use it in the future.)

Pammy finally goes over the edge and snaps “I’m gonna tell Buck!” Um, sweetie, Buck’s right there in the chair. You might have to take a number before the operator can make a connection, but he’s still there.

Max and Neal again, still waiting on that contractor while they stand around the Hubbard House. Charmaine flounces in, Neal notices the engagement ring, and there is tension. Stupid Charmaine prattles on about the flaws of the stone, completely ignoring the pain on Neal’s face. He finally just turns and leaves. Good move, Charmaine. Such class.

Kate and Marshall in one of their bedrooms. She’s brought some wacky tobackey back from loopy girl’s house and wants him to try some. He demurs at first. “I’m not into weed. It makes me like action movies.” Then Kate starts talking about his new-found heterosexuality, and he quickly reaches for the pipe.

Downstairs, Max and Tara are chatting in the kitchen. He’s whining about petty things and she gets bored. We never do anything fun around here. Hey, let’s grab the kids and go ice skating! Max thinks that sounds swell, so they race up the stairs to round up the whacked-out kids, along with Charmaine and her unsatisfying ring.

Quick shot of Pammy sitting in her car on the street outside, glaring at Tara/Buck/Alice/T’s house. Uh oh.

So there we are at the ice-skating rink, with everybody in a really good mood. Happiness is not theoretically allowed on this show, so we know something’s coming. And there she is. Pammy waltzes inside, not bothering to rent any skates so it’s clear she’s up to no good. She marches to the little booth where the DJ is playing uninteresting songs, grabs the mike away from him, and proceeds to address the crowd.

She starts off with a polite “I didn’t want to do this,” and then launches. She’s had a crappy life, deserves so much better, and is finally take charge. “Buck, I love you! ALL of you! I hope I catch your disease!” Then she just-as-politely informs the stunned crowd that they can go back to their skating.

Dead silence.

Then Max turns to Tara: “All I’ve ever done is be good to you!” And then he’s out of there, jumping in his truck and peeling out of the parking lot. (Hey, how is everybody else going to get home? That’s really rude.) Max drives to the contractor’s house, the one who never showed, and they get into a fistfight, rolling around on the ground and getting dirty and everything. It’s like the WWF, but for real.

Now we find Tara standing by herself at the skating rink. (Kate, Marshall and Charmaine are still there, but they’ve skated off in a sad little corner, feeling sorry for themselves as they tend to do. Tara always ruins everything. (That’s right, kids, she does. Because her name is in the title of the show. Did you not read your contracts?)

We end with Tara standing in the restroom area, studying the doors for both the Ladies and the Gents. Then her face hardens, she transitions into Buck, marches into the room for the guys, slams a stall door shut, and completely loses it…

Oh boy.

#117 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 3

We start in Jackie’s kitchen, where her little girls are making cupcakes while Gracie worries about the world coming to an end. Wait, there’s a third girl. Who the hell is that? She looks slightly familiar, we’ve seen her somewhere…

Then Jackie waltzes in the door and spies the extra urchin. She greets her real daughters, grimaces at the bonus cupcake girl, then wanders off to confront Kevin in the other room. “Why is Caitlin here?” (Ah yes, Caitlin. The daughter of Jenny Flynn, Kevin’s girlfriend from way back in the day when Jackie’s drug use was recreational and not a lifestyle. We hate the little brat and her Mommy.)

Kevin: “You said Gracie needed play dates with her friends.” Caitlin is the only friend that Gracie has. There you have it. Jackie sighs. Kevin then whines about Gracie’s tuition and bills in general. Jackie brings up the O’Hara offer of a trust fund for the little darlings. Kevin wants nothing to do with O’Hara. “She’s crazy. She lives in a HOTEL.”

A bit later, Jackie is in the basement, snorting yet another line of something. Nosey Caitlin comes tramping down the stairs, babbling about wanting to see the bomb shelter that Gracie said was down here, and spies Jackie playing Hoover games. “What’s up with the straw?” Jackie, very impressively, makes up a story about nurses needing to dry out their tear ducts so they don’t bring their hospital sadness home to their families. Caitlin clearly isn’t buying it, so you know the little wretch is going to spill at some point.

Doorbell rings. It’s Jenny Flynn, here to pick up nasty Caitlin. She’s bearing a covered dish. “Caitlin says you guys order a lot of pizza.” Jackie gives her a look that could cause lesser women to spontaneously combust. Then Jenny and Caitlin tag team on Gracie, trying to make fun of the way Gracie insists that everybody was their hands every two minutes.

Jackie quickly shoves the meddling duo out the door, and then throws the gift casserole in the trash.

Next we have Coop at the drugstore where Eddie now works. Coop, in his odd way, actually tries to show some sympathy for Eddie’s suicide attempt, and is just checking on him. At the same time, Coop is tweeting to his followers during the conversation, and waving around a magazine where Coop has been listed as one of the top 25 doctors in Manhattan. (I guess the review panel is unaware of the breast-grabbing issue and his general inability to correctly diagnose a patient.) Sadly, Eddie quizzes Coop about Jackie, still pining for details. He’s just not going to let it go.

Jackie and O’Hara at the hospital, with Jacks initially moaning about the atrocity that is Jenny Flynn, but then she also admits that Kevin is not comfortable about the trust fund. O’Hara: “He should be uncomfortable about a daughter who’s a lap-dancer!’ Let me help! Then Coop wanders by, singing and dancing on his cloud of self-worth, and drops off a copy of The Magazine where he has been proclaimed Worthy. As he twitters and skitters away, O’Hara flips through the magazine with increasing frustration. She’s not even listed! (Oh boy, we’re going to hear about this for a while.)

Then everybody in the ER has to pay attention as they wheel in a victim, some dog show person who was mauled in the face while trying to give CPR to a prize-winning something or other. Jackie notices that the man is moaning “nuts” over and over. Turns out this guy’s “baggage” his been ripped open by the unappreciative mutt, and Coop discovers that his testicles have migrated. (Zoey: “Just like birds!” Poor thing.) We end the scene with Coop and Jackie bickering over the proper way to handle the man’s injuries.

Jackie finally wanders out to consult with the victim’s wife. Apparently this woman really loves dogs. A whole lot. Perhaps more than her husband. Jackie decides that she has better things to do and moves to end the conversation.

Jackie: “By the way, your husband’s testicles have migrated.”

Wife: “Migrated?”

Jackie: “We’ll let you know.”

Cut to Thor, Zoey and Sam standing around, pretending to do something medical but not really because they’re only actors. Thor to Zoey: “Are you wearing eye shadow?” Zoey: “No. Maybe. Why?” Thor makes a flippant hand gesture and heads some place where he can act like he’s not thinking about donuts. Sam: “You look really nice.” Zoey: “Back off.”

Coop and Mrs. Akalitus come waltzing up, because that’s what the script said to do, and she gives him some package. He rips it open, and it’s a fancy framed thing proclaiming him as “Doctor Number 23 In Manhattan.” He grins and gloats. Sam: “You paid a publicist!” Coop: “Um…” More discussion wherein it’s obvious that Coop basically paid for this little ranking thing. That boy is just not right in the head.

Jackie wanders up. Zoey can barely contain herself as she whisks Jackie to the side and spills about the publicist thing. Jackie: Are you serious? Zoey: “HE told me,” and then looks glowingly at Sam. Jackie makes a face because, well, she hates Sam.

Quick scene with O’Hara and an EMT that has somehow managed to dislocate a finger. O’Hara, still flipping through the magazine that doth not bear her name, grudgingly agrees to take a look. Then she releases her anger by viciously yanking on the painful finger, screaming that “lists mean NOTHING”, and finally wanders away, leaving the poor EMT to crawl her way to the employment office and give notice.

Next we have Jackie doing something at the automatic pill-dispensing machine (translation, she’s jacking with it to get free drugs). Zoey comes skipping up and basically catches on to the fact that Jackie is trying to user other employee ID’s to get goodies. As in Zoey’s ID. Jackie scoffs. Of course I’m not. And why are YOU here? Zoey: “I need some morphine from the gumball machine.”

Jackie laffs it up at that remark, hoping to distract Zoey from Jackie’s Ocean’s 13 subterfuge and steer the conversation to more innocent ground. Jackie: “Are you wearing perfume?” Zoey: Might be. Why? Does it make me smell old? Jackie: Not saying that. But you smell like Mrs. Akalitus.

Zip over to the ER room, where Mrs. Akalitus pulls Jackie to the side and tells her she needs to work an additional half a shift. (Jackie doesn’t really fight this, because it means she will have more quality time with the pill-dispensing machine.) Coop then prances through, tweeting away to his apparent fans. Akalitus takes this opportunity to berate him about the actual pointlessness of using Twitter all the time. (This makes me feel much better about my measly 12 Twitter followers and the fact that I haven’t sent a single post in months.) This fun time is interrupted by Zoey racing up and sniffing at Akalitus’ neck. “Are you wearing Gwen Stefani?” Aka just looks at her with pity.

Cut to Jackie in one of the hospital bathrooms, where she snorts a line of something, chases out a woman who is swigging cheap alcohol from a plastic bottle, and then calls Kevin. “I have to work late.” Uh oh, Kevin is working late as well. What to do with our disturbed daughters? Kevin: “I could call Jenny Flynn.” Jackie practically rips a sink off the wall. “NO! You will not call Jenny.” Anybody else will do. (Cue dramatic music on the soundtrack to foreshadow Kevin’s potentially disastrous choice of babysitter.)

Quick scene in the mauled dog trainer’s room, where a urologist and a plastic surgeon are arguing over which procedure should come first. Fix the face or fix the scrotum? If you delay either procedure, the second operation may not be as successful. Jackie wanders into this surreal conversation, and leans down to hear the patient‘s thoughts on the mattter. He clearly wants his tackle up and running. That’s a man for you. I might be ugly, but at least my gear works. Therefore, I retain my god-like status with the ladies. Geez.

O’Hara and Zoey intersect paths in some hallway, and O’Hara instantly knows something is up with Zoey and her geeky attempt at femininity. O’Hara looks her up and down, then barks “Who is it?” Zoey: Um, nobody really, but there’s a party later, and a guy that might be there, and, well, you know. So, what do you think? O’Hara studies Zoey in her Garanimals outfit for a few seconds longer, then issues her advice. “Hair down.” Then she turns and marches away. Zoey rips off her scrunchie with lightning speed.

Another quick scene where Jackie corners Sam about his “publicist” comment concerning Coop and the questionable magazine ranking. “You need to refrain from discussing personal information about co-workers.” Really? Even though the news had to have made your day? Sam: You’re going to nail me every time, no matter what I do. Probably true. Careful, Jackie. Something tells me that Sam might just be the person you need in a future episode.

As Jackie leaves the hospital for the night, she suddenly approaches a woman who is nursing her baby in the waiting room and berates her for doing so. Not really sure of the whole story, since most of the conversation is in Spanish and there are no subtitles for those of us who are thirty years away from high-school Spanish. Was this the woman Jackie shoved out of the restroom? Hard to tell, since we basically only saw the woman’s lips and the bottle of hooch.

Now we have O’Hara and Mrs. Akalitus running into each other in the God Hallway where Jackie makes life decisions while piano music plays on the soundtrack. Akalitus is sitting at the base of the Mary statue, busily shoving a granola bar or something in her mouth. O’Hara: “I’ve never seen you eat.” Akalitus: “I like to hide my humanity whenever possible.”

O’Hara decides to join her at the feet of Mary, and then launches, still fussing about the stupid magazine where Coop had a cameo and she didn’t even get a footnote. Akalitus: “Do you REALLY care?” Apparently O’Hara does, because she fidgets with her couture and doesn’t directly answer. Akalitus: “Would it help to know that you’re in my all-time top 5?” O’Hara: “Who are the other four?”

We end the episode with Jackie finally dragging her butt home. She enters the house with her normal weary and overwhelmed attitude, hears the kids laughing and playing in the other room, and goes to greet them.

Only to find that Kevin is there with the babysitter he apparently found. And the babysitter’s name is Eddie. THAT Eddie. Surprise!

Gee, Jackie, guess you didn’t really think this thing through. You were so insistent that Kevin didn’t allow an old ex-girlfriend to be near your children (who are already so messed up that Godzilla could babysit them without any real trauma), you actually opened the door for something much more hazardous. The man you boinked to ensure a steady supply of drugs, the man who faked a suicide to get your attention, is now sitting on your living room floor and playing Chutes and Ladders with your troubled offspring.

Would you like to make a statement to the press now, Jackie?

Welcome home…

#116 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 7

We start out at the Villains camp, with Rob in a sidebar. He fesses that the Tribal they just went through was the first actual shock he had in three seasons on the show. “Something doesn’t feel right.” You’re right, Rob. Something doesn’t. And his name is Russell.

Cut to Courtney sitting on a tree somewhere, with the cameraman jostling to keep her in view, because there’s a blade of grass blowing in the wind behind her and there might be confusion. She’s yammering about her hatred for the “bandy-legged little troll,” then really goes off when she gets to Russell’s crush on Parvati and what a skank Parvati is. “She will flirt with anything that walks.” Then the cameraman asks Courtney to turn sideways and stick her tongue out, because he’s lost her on his viewfinder.

Russell races to find Parvati and Danielle posing seductively near a tree, and he tells them that the focus should now be on getting Jerri to flip. Both of the vapid spokes models nod in agreement, then they all cackle with delight as they review their dastardly deeds so far. Over in the tent on the other side of camp but still in hearing range, the rest of the tribe rolls their eyes and mumble about their hatred towards those three.

Cut back to Rob in another sidebar. He’s starting to get a little nervous. Can he really trust everybody in his alliance? “Is the joke on me?”

Roll opening credits.

We’re still at the Villains camp, where Jerri has just wandered up to Russell, Danielle and Parvati. Instantly, the girls start with the mind games while Russell just grins and congratulates himself as it appears that Jerri is warming to their side. Still, Jerri fesses that she’s not so sure it would be in her best interest to join their team. (Honey, it would be in your best interest to not even be talking to these people. They will chew you up and spit you out.)

So Parvati ratchets up the stakes. She guarantees Jerri a spot in the final four. Jerri hesitates. Really? How can you guarantee THAT? (And right THERE, Jerri, you should have realized that these people are saying whatever they can to get your vote. And you should turn and run.) But Jerri doesn’t. And I get that sinking feeling that stupidity is knocking on the door.

Zip over to the Heroes camp, where everybody’s whining because it was a cold night. (Of course it’s going to be cold when you’re only wearing a thong and some sneakers.) Then we have Rupert in a sidebar, who has apparently just come to a startling epiphany: “We cannot let the Villains keep winning!” Ya think? You mean it’s not okay to suck at challenges? Wow. Thanks for the insight, Rupert. Never would have realized that on my own. He is SO on my nerves.

Quick aside with Colby. He knows that his butt is on the line. “I’ve got to put up or shut up.” Yes, you do. And here’s another thought: Maybe you should try talking to the rest of your tribe and attempting to be friends with them. This business about pouting and floating around in the ocean while everybody else is strategizing is perhaps not a good move.

In the midst of all this Heroes mess, there’s a brief shot of someone’s foot near the campfire. The toes on said foot are perfectly manicured and coated with a high-gloss sheen of the whore-red variety. Who’s foot is THAT? I don’t care how much you paid for your designer nail polish, those toes should be chipped and nasty by now. What gives?

Time for the Reward Challenge, with the winning team getting a lunch feast alongside some pristine waterfall on a river that mankind has somehow not polluted yet. This competition is basically basketball in the water, with the first team to sink three balls gaining the right to yell victoriously and high-five each other.

Right out of the gate, Colby is on fire. He’s all over the place, knocking people down and fighting for the ball and scoring the first basket. As a bonus move, he also manages to shove Jerri underwater, which thrills me for personal reasons. Then Candice triumphs with the second basket. After more grunting and thrusting, JT hands the ball off to Colby who dings the final winning point. The Heroes have finally won a competition after a very long drought.

Cut to the Heroes at the waterfall feast, where they all love each other as they gorge on juices, fruit, and meat dripping with grease. Everybody’s singing songs and swearing eternal dedication to one another. Then Candice moves a slice of papaya and finds a rolled-up message. Apparently there’s another Immunity Idol hidden back at their camp.

The party screeches to a halt. Now they’ve got to be all serious again. (Rupert in a sidebar: “That brought the game back home.” Dude, did the game ever leave? Or was that just you?)

JT tries to calm the waters about the Idol. “We’ll find it together, and we’ll use it together.” This is for us to beat them. Very nice and patriotic. But surely you’re not serious.

Cut back to the Villains camp, where the camera focuses on somebody’s red shirt hanging from a large piece of driftwood. I have no idea what that’s all about. Then we see Russell and Jerri having a conversation on the beach. This can’t be good.

Russell tells her that he wants it to be him, Jerri and Coach as the final three. (Not buying it for a second.) Jerri, because she’s focused on winning and not on the possibility of losing (critical distinction) gets Coach’s attention and waves him over. You gotta hear this.

Russell repeats his final-three offer to Coach, otherwise known as the person who was never in a “Karate Kid” movie even though he thinks he was. Russell: “I don’t want Parvati in the end, I can’t beat her for the million.”

Once again, right THERE, Jerri and Coach, you should realize that Russell is blowing smoke. He is NOT going to ditch his strongest supporter in favor of you two. To his credit, Coach admits in a sidebar that he isn’t buying it for a second. But he thinks that Jerri has been swayed. And she apparently has, promising Russell to vote the way he wants.)

Then Russell wanders off to go stir up trouble somewhere else, leaving Coach and Jerri to deal with each other. Coach: “I’m kinda hurt that you decided to go with Russell before talking to me. How can you trust him as much as me?” (Very good point, even though it pains me to admit such. Not a fan of Coach. But he‘s right.) Jerri: “No, it’s not that way.” Then what IS it, Jerri? Why would you ditch Coach and his thoughts on the matter?

Conveniently, Jerri then has a sidebar to explain her actions. She basically slams Coach, saying he’s too naïve and too nice. Really? Naïve? What the hell do you think YOU are, slinking up to Russell, who would sell his own children if it meant he could survive another Tribal council? (Oh my God, that’s a scary thought. Are there really little Russells running around out there? I won’t be able to sleep tonight.)

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one’s basically a relay race, where most of each tribe runs across an obstacle course to retrieve bags of puzzle pieces. Once all of these bags are dragged back to the finish line, two members on each tribe scramble to solve the puzzle. Initially, I’m a little concerned. The Heroes have shown that they’re not the best when it comes to puzzles.

Anyway, off we go, and it’s a fairly tight race. One entertaining aspect is that they have some cameraman stationed under this giant net thing that the Survivors have to run across during part of the challenge. This person manages to capture everybody in the relay part tripping and busting their ass. For once, I don’t care who it is. Watching people fall down is always amusing. Even Jeff chuckles in a non-partisan way.

In the end, the Heroes manage to pull ahead with the retrieval of the puzzle pieces, and then JT and Amanda (yes, Amanda, she of the questionable mental abilities) manage to get their puzzle done first. The Heroes win. Somebody from the Villains tribe is going home. Finally.

Cut to the Villains camp. First we have Russell in a sidebar, where he blames the loss on everybody but himself (naturally). Then we see Russell running to Rob for a round of negotiations. Rob is standing on the beach, while Courtney and Sandra are right there, fiddling with each others’ hair and such. (No, I don’t know what that was all about, nor do I want to know.) When Rob asks the troll who should go home, Russell amazes me by pointing at Sandra and Courtney and saying “one of them.”

Rob in a sidebar: “I’m amazed. I’ve never heard of that,” talking shop right in front of your targets. For their part, Courtney and Sandra just roll their eyes. And that’s the problem. People don’t take Russell seriously until it’s too late.

Rob wanders over to Coach for his input, and Coach thinks Parvati or Courtney should go. Especially Courtney. Why is Rob keeping somebody around who is so useless in competitions? Rob: “Because I’m loyal. YOU value that, right?” Smart move on Rob’s part, since Coach likes to use that word in every other sentence. Coach promises that he will vote for Russell.

Scene with Russell, Jerri, Coach and Danielle. Russell slyly and subtly turns the discussion around to sending Rob home instead of Courtney or Sandra, making it sound like he just now thought of it when it was really his intention the whole time. Once he does this, Danielle goes to town, practically in a frenzy as she demands that Rob go home. Coach promises that he will vote for Rob.

Sidebar with Coach, where he’s all troubled about keeping his word. It’s a bit late for that, since by this point you’ve promised everybody on the island, including Jeff, that you will vote the way they want. Then Coach actually tries to squeeze out a tear of self-pity or something, but what he really needs is some Gax-X.

Jerri goes to Rob, and tells him that she doesn’t know if Russell’s alliance is coming after him. (Lie.) She also tells Rob that she can’t give him her trust. (Mainly because she doesn’t have any to give, being so bitter and all.) Rob tries using the “do what you think is right” angle, hoping this will turn her in his favor. But the glitch is that Jerri doesn’t know what’s right, and needs a little bit stronger direction than that. Then she and her hair wander away.

Scene with Jerri and Coach, as they go back and forth on what to do. They really do seem to be looking at the decision from all angles, so THAT part’s a bit heartening, to see folks considering the betterment of the whole tribe and not just reacting to petty squabbles between the alliances. We end with Jerri proclaiming “I’m not a good Villain!” Really?

Time for Tribal.

We start out with the usual pointless questions from Jeff as he digs around and tries to get something started, then he hits pay dirt when Coach gives props to Tyson for keeping the two alliances in harmony when they needed to be strong (meaning Russell did a bad thing by sending him home.) Russell and Danielle go ballistic over this, and suddenly everybody is yelling at everybody else. (Except for Courtney, who seems to be weakly looking around for an oxygen tank.)

Jeff fans the flames by pointing out that the tribe is in total disarray when they should be working together at this point. This kicks off another round of bickering.

Russell: “Rob’s the one always saying either you’re with me or you’re against me.”

Rob: “You ARE against me. It’s no secret, Russell.” Quit playing games.

Russell: “If you’re gunnin for me, you’re not going to get what you want. You have to go.” Same crap he usually spouts during sidebars, but now he’s brought it to center stage, which really isn’t a good idea. Like I keep saying, Russell’s temper is going to cost him at some point.

But apparently not this time, as we finally get to the vote. Four votes for Rob, three votes for Russell, and one throw-away for anemic Courtney. As that final Rob vote is announced, the camera shows Jerri wincing at the blow she’s just delivered.

Apparently she does know how to be a Villain after all…

#115 - “United States of Tara” - Season 2, Episode 2

So Buck wakes up in bed with Pammy, the waitress he met at the beer joint. From the looks of things, they had a really swell time last night. Buck ogles the still-slumbering Pammy for a bit, then dresses and slips out of the apartment with a look of accomplishment and satisfaction. His good mood inspires him to break into a jog of celebration (hey, we all love to go running after a round of marathon sex, right?). Sadly, the exertion winds him a bit, he cough/chokes, and then transitions.

Now we have a very surprised Tara standing there all sweaty. And just a wee bit disoriented. Tara then makes a slow march of shame toward home. Something has clearly happened, she’s just not sure what. And where the hell is her bra?

Arriving at the house, Tara discovers a very-excited Charmaine is waiting for her in the front yard, bursting with the news that she is now engaged to the guy with the plentiful teeth. Charmaine dances all over the place and spouts annoying phrases like “He actually loves me!” and “I’m gonna be somebody’s wife!” Within two seconds you are ready for Charmaine to go some place far away and stay there.

Unfortunately, she wants to stay HERE, with Tara and the family. Something about allowing herself time to “re-virginate”. (I’m not sure what this process involves, but I’m certain that I don’t want any further details.) Then things get really busy, as Marshall needs a ride to school, Kate leaves for work sporting a startling outfit where “professional” is not the first word that comes to mind, and Max suddenly yells out at Tara, “let’s go to the Hubbard house!” (I’m thinking that’s the LAST place Tara needs to go right now, but I haven’t been consulted.)

Cut to a meeting of the “gay club” at Marshall’s school. HRH Peroxide, the bitter blonde from the last episode, is running the show in the sparsely populated room, and he’s being very bitchy. At one point he’s even rude to the one straight girl in the room who’s there for support. Marshall comes to her defense, and the two share an intimate look that concerns me. Are the producers going to pull a “Dynasty” with Marshall’s character?

Over to the Hubbard House, where Max really, really, really wants to buy the house. Tara is not fully convinced about this plan of action, so Max uncovers a piano that just happened to be RIGHT THERE, and proceeds to sway Tara’s thoughts on real estate transactions by pounding on the keys and warbling “I’m All Outta Love”.

Rather than run from the room in terror, Tara actually joins in and we have a duet where Tara is inspired to wave her hands over her head during the more spiritual parts of the song. As Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland wail away, some strange woman walks in the door and rudely interrupts the show.

Now we’re at Kate’s workplace, the one where she calls poor people and makes them feel even worse. She’s having a conversation with the guy who sits behind her. (Why she’s even doing this is unclear, because he’s a sexist jerk, and normally Kate would mop the floor with such a guy.) Anyway, they’re discussing the concept of the “big fish”, the people who owe a lot of money. If you convince them to send in a check, you can get a really nice bonus and some self-esteem. Kate’s eyes light up at this possibility, and she turns back to her keyboard, clicking away with almost religious devotion.

Turns out the lady who walked into the Hubbard House and stopped the matinee performance is actually a realtor. She’s thrilled that Max is so overly excited about buying the home that he doesn’t care about “disclosure laws” and whatnot. As she rambles, the realtor throws out a remark about “crazy people” that offends Tara, but Max doesn’t even notice. Instead, he’s busy figuring out where to put the pool table and the wet bar.

Back to Marshall’s school, where he and Peroxide get into it while they are changing in the gym locker room. Peroxide won’t stop with the constant, overboard flaming, and Marshall has had enough. “You ruin it for gay people!” Roxy doesn’t back down, freshly stoking his Eternal Flame and declaring how proud he is of himself and the way he is. Which is nice and all, but I’m thinking Roxy also has a loose bobby pin or two. No idea where they’re going with this.

Short scene with Max and a house inspector (that was quick, was the guy waiting in the realtor’s car?), discovering that there are some serious plumbing issues with the Hubbard House. The guy slyly mentions that he can rig it enough so that Max can flip the house and let the next owners worry about it. The expression on Max’s face is odd. Just what IS his obsession with this house?

Next we have Tara and Charmaine at the grocery store. Lo and behold, Pammy the waitress comes wandering up and tries to get a little chummy with “Buck”. Tara, of course, initially doesn’t have a clue who this woman might be. Then a faint bell rings. “Wait. You’re the bartender from the other night!“

Pammy is a bit disappointed with this reaction, to say the least. Um, no, I’m the one you made sweet love to and we rocked all night long. What gives? Tara isn’t giving anything. She grabs Charmaine and they head down another aisle, leaving poor Pammy to stand in confusion among the fresh produce displays.

Quick scene at Kate’s questionable workplace, where she has just discovered her very own Big Fish. By trolling the Internet, where no personal detail is fully secure, she’s found a website for a bosomy cartoon character that goes by the name of “Valhalla Hawkwind”. (What the hell?) Clicking around, Kate finds that the actual site owner is one of those people who owe her company tons of moolah. And there’s a physical address. Woo hoo!

Cut back to grocery store, this time in the parking lot, where Tara once again runs into Pammy as they try to wrangle empty shopping carts into the little corrals where nothing ever fits. Pammy tells Buck/Tara that she understands why Buck is pulling the down-low thing, fessing up that she had never been with a girl until Buck licked margarita salt off her hand, so to speak. Tara is appalled. “I’ve never been with a girl!” (Honey, maybe you need to swig a shot of tequila and then hit the little rewind button. That’s YOU, or at least one of you, playing squat tag at Pammy‘s Shack O‘ Love.)

Tara, starting to realize that maybe she hasn’t seen all the pages of the script, begins to panic and goes into spin-control mode. She warns Pammy that “I am TROUBLE!” and then turns to race toward her car, where bored Charmaine is honking the horn and waiting impatiently to tell her pathetic engagement story once again.

We catch up with Kate, who has tracked down this Valhalla chick and is standing outside her residence/den of evil/whatever it is. She bangs on the garage door (why, I don’t know, surely there’s an actual front door somewhere) until a woman finally raises the door. Kate is now face-to-face with one Lynda P. Frazier, the conduit to a very nice bonus check.

Kate, because she really doesn’t know what she’s doing, then makes a feeble show of trying to be a bounty-hunter professional fully intent on financial realignments. It doesn’t work. It’s clear that the only thing Kate knows about being tough and investigatory she must have learned from watching the “Charlie’s Angels” movies. And she apparently fell asleep during the few important parts. Nevertheless, Lynda invites her in.

Cut back to Tara, in full freak-out mode, racing to the Hubbard House instead of her own home. Once inside, she turns on her iPhone or some type of recording device, and then captures herself running from room to room and babbling about how she can’t let her family know that she’s transitioning again. It’s sort of like “The Blair Witch Project” meets “The Three Faces of Eve”, minus the dead bodies in the woods, Joanne Woodward or any lucrative product placement.

Finally, Tara crawls into a clothes closet and slams the door, because that usually solves everything, right? She then shivers and cries while holding herself, doing a very fine example of method-acting in tight spaces. (Wait, why is there a dress hanging in this closet, in a house where a single man lived? Have The Gays already been here? Dang. They always find the happening places before everybody else. And then they leave couture behind as they race to the next hot spot.)

We’re back at Lynda/Valhalla’s retro-groovy pad. Apparently Kate’s channeling of Drew Barrymore has worked, because Lynda comes waltzing out of some side chamber bearing a check for $5,000. Lynda then plops on a couch, lights a joint, and invites Kate to sit a spell. Kate, because she’s wearing just the right outfit for drug usage, decides she’s got some time on her hands.

Later, we have dinner at the Gregson household. Charmaine is running her mouth with a boring story concerning the difference between a “princess cut” diamond and the “cushion cut” variety, waving her bejeweled hand the entire time. Marshall has brought along Courtney, the straight girl, and I instantly hate her because I have no investment in the gay reversion theory that one of the show producers must be pushing. Then Kate comes flouncing in, brimming with excitement over the afternoon adventures with Lynda and her delinquent bills. “I got my mind literally blown.” Really? Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Then they all make a toast to something. I forget what, because right then Tara sees Buck coming down the stairs and giving her the evil eye. What’s this? The alters can see each other now? That’s new. See, every time a show is successful, they try to overwhelm it with special effects. Stick to the story, people.

Tara, understandably, is a bit out of sorts with this development. She excuses herself and then thunders up the stairs to her bedroom, where she has an argument with Buck, an alter that should be IN her, but is now OUT of her. Buck is demanding the use of Tara’s body for the night.

Okay, I’m officially no longer complaining about anything wrong in my life. Done.

Max wanders in to check on Tara. “You good?” Tara waves him off. I’m just great, my disjointed and apparently sexually-active life couldn’t be any better. Max, not recognizing the signs of an impending psychotic split even though he should after all these years, announces that he’s headed over to the Hubbard House for some remodeling inspiration. (Why are these people so centered on a house where a man killed himself? Don’t you have other hobbies?)

Quick scene with Marshall and Courtney in his bedroom, where he stupidly pulls out a Ouija board for their entertainment. This can only result in madness. Has the cast not seen the movie “Witchboard”? People die. In painful ways.

I guess Buck worked out some sort of timeshare arrangement with Tara, because now we have him showing up at Pammy’s door, bearing a rose for his lady and fessing that “I couldn’t stay away.” Pammy lets him in, despite the rudeness and confusion at the grocery store.

Back to Marshall and Tokyo Rose in his bedroom. They’re still fiddling with the Ouija board, and of course their fingers touch while they are pretending to not manipulate the planchette. As we all know, random finger-touching can only lead to sordidness. They kiss, and a small part of me dies.

Zip over to Pammy’s, where Buck is massaging her feet while she coos.

Now it’s time for a montage, because this sort of thing is required in the final moments of a quirky series involving dysfunction. We see Max laying out black and white tiles in one of the bathrooms of the Hubbard House. (Just say no, Max. Seriously. The 50’s diner look no longer applies to bathrooms. Just ask The Gays.) Shot of Charmaine in some bed kissing her ring with a love that dare not speak it’s name. Another glimpse of Marshall still lip-locked with Tokyo Courtney as they roll around on the Ouija board. We end with an alarming close-up of Buck at Pammy’s crotch. Truly did not need to see that.

Final scenes. It’s the next morning, and Tara wakes up next to Pammy. (By the way, how has Max not noticed that his wife hasn’t slept in the same bed with him for the past two nights?) Tara does not handle the situation well, gathering up her clothes and fleeing the scene. On her way out, she passes two children in the living room who are watching cartoons. (Where the hell did THEY come from? Did I miss something?)

Tara thunders down the outside stairs of the apartment building and lurches toward her car. She may not know where she’s at, but she damn sure knows where she parked her vehicle. It’s the little things, right?

Roll credits.

#114 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 2

So we start out in the basement of Jackie’s home, where she’s distractedly trying to iron somebody’s clothes. After a bit, she realizes that the iron isn’t even hot, then discovers that someone has unplugged the thing, probably with vicious and evil intent. Right in the midst of this domestic trauma, she gets a text from Eddie. “I’m SO Sorry.” I assume that he’s referring to the fact that he rudely tried to kill himself just so she would take his calls.

This irritating bit of social networking causes Jackie to temporarily abandon her attempt at conquering wrinkles, and she clamors around the basement until she finds a box of Easter decorations. She digs around in the box until she locates a stash of Vicodin cleverly hidden in a plastic egg. She pops one pill, pockets the rest, and suddenly her day is much brighter. (Imagine the Easter egg hunt around THIS place.)

A bit later, she trudges upstairs, whining about things being unplugged, and we learn that neurotic little Gracie is responsible for the disconnecting of things all over the house. Seems her latest unhealthy obsession centers around the house burning down. (Guess she’s moved on from the exploding sun of the last episode.) She’s even saved her allowance and picked out the particular smoke alarm that she would like to have installed. Isn’t she cute?

Then we’re on the sidewalk outside the hospital, where a clearly-looped Dr. O’Hara is babbling about something while she squirts mustard on a hot dog. She fesses up to taking a bit of Ecstasy, thinking it would wear off before she had to, you know, OPERATE on people and such. With O’Hara’s British accent and the drug still coursing through her veins, I really have no idea what she’s saying. Some mess about taking Jackie’s girls out of school and they all move to Switzerland. Maybe. I really don’t know.

Then a taxi pulls up, and out tumbles a mussed-up Zoey. As she staggers past them without noticing either of them, O’Hara and Jackie theorize on what might have led to this situation. O’Hara thinks that Zoey “got her pipes cleaned.” Jackie is frightened by this image. “It’s like seeing Santa naked.”

Quick scene with Jackie in one of the examining rooms. Anxious parents are concerned over the breathing problems of their little boy, afraid he might have Cystic Fibrosis. (Suddenly the frivolity of a stoned O’Hara shoving a hot dog in her mouth loses its charm.) Jackie promises to help them get an expensive “sweat test”. Hang tight.

O’Hara, still flying high and thinking she’s Isadora Duncan whilst dancing down the hall, slams into a startled Zoey, then apologizes and gives her a scarf. Zoey responds as if she’s just been knighted by The Queen. Jackie interrupts the love fest and drags O’Hara off to an examining room, hooking O’Hara up to an IV so she can re-hydrate. (No wonder my insurance premiums are so high.)

O’Hara insists on a trashy magazine to read while her buzz fades. Jackie goes searching and finds that the ER supply of said reading material has been snatched up by Thor and hidden in his drawer. When Jackie slightly berates him, he sulks. “Please don’t amplify my shame.”

Attention-starved Eddie shows up at Kevin’s bar. Eddie chirpily asks about Jackie’s jewelry: “She like that ring you got her?” Kevin’s a little thrown by the question, how would Eddie know about this? Then he shrugs it off. (Dude, when people know things about you that they shouldn’t theoretically know, it’s time to move and have your name legally changed. Don’t you watch the Horror Channel?) When Kevin asks where Eddie’s been lately, Eddie smiles and says “I tried to kill myself.” Just kidding. Hee hee. Then they make a toast to Jackie and bond over sporting events.

There are some messed-up people on this show. Just sayin.

Dr. Cooper finally wanders in to check on the little boy who might have Cystic Fibrosis. When he tries to explain what CF is and how you test for it, the parents babble that Jackie has already explained all of this. She’s nice, we love her. This, of course, sends Coop into a jealous tizzy. He and Jackie then bicker openly in front of the parents, while the little boy pretends to color in a book and wonders if he should get a new agent.

As Jackie and Coop storm out of the room, Coop actually whips out some device and makes a Twitter update about the patient exam he just performed. Seriously. Jackie, understandably, is incensed. That is so wrong. Coop, of course, doesn’t see the problem, and wanders off to go do something else immoral and obnoxious.

Then we have some Sam and Zoey bonding (this can only lead to trouble), with Sam complimenting her scarf and Zoey proudly beaming that it’s from “Herms”, which she just knows has to be a fancy store. They stroll along the sidewalk in front of the hospital as their twisted friendship glows and blossoms. To show that they are now besties, Zoey points out the crazy man in a nearby building who thinks he’s God.

On cue, God leans out his window and starts berating the passersby with insults and absurdity. Sam thinks this is really neat. “I love this guy!” Then God goes too far with his ranting at strangers, and one of them picks up a bottle, hurling it through the air so that it beans God and knocks him to the floor of his apartment. Zoey: “God’s down!”

Frantic scene in an ER room as the staff struggles to stabilize God. Coop actually twitters through the whole thing, making Jackie so mad she could almost spit, but she’s a trooper and focuses on making God comfortable instead of seeking personal validation in 140 characters or less.

A bit later, Zoey slips into the room for some quality time with God. She rambles on about a nunnery and liking boys and other useless nonsense. God, because we‘re all bored with that, stops her and warbles his own tale about almost dying, a light at the end of a tunnel, and the person he saw bathed in that light. (Zoey: “So you saw yourself?”) God gives Zoey and her scarf a dismissive look. No, he DIDN’T see himself, and therefore he can’t be God. (Somebody had to hit him with a bottle before he could figure that out?)

This revelation makes non-God start screaming. Zoey, not wanting to miss out on the fun, starts screaming as well. Then she gets a little uncomfortable with all the noise, and races out of the room. Jackie, because she’s very busy with all her addictions and doesn‘t have time for this, is not going to clean up after Zoey and sends her right back in. “Handle it!”

Then Jackie starts to trot off to some other scene of confusion, and the Vicodin blister pack falls out of her cute little nurse’s smock. Sam, because he lives for drama and accusations, snatches the pills up and confronts Jackie. Are these yours? She denies ownership, they squabble, Jackie demands that Sam give them to her, more squabbling about the proper treatment of unclaimed pills, and we end with Jackie marching Sam to the room with the automatic pill dispenser where she shoves the pills into a lockbox.

Two seconds after they leave the room, Jackie returns with the lockbox key and retrieves her precious goodies.

A bit later, Jackie stomps into Mrs. Akalitus’ office with some demands. First off, Coop needs to cool it with the Twitter thing. Akalitus: He filed a complaint against you for insubordination. Jackie: Don’t care. Second, I’m over Sam and the born-again thing. He’s accusing everybody of being a drug addict. (Um, everybody IS, at least in this place.) Finally, an anonymous nurse would like a referral for a good child psychiatrist. Akalitus smiles warmly as she scribbles the name of someone covered by the hospital insurance. “She was tremendously helpful with my boy.” (Wait, Akalitus has reproduced? I’m scared to leave my own house at this point.)

Jackie, because she meddles, then wanders off to some obscure testing lab, trying to get the scoop on the little boy who might have CF. The prim little testing person initially does not want to share. The tests aren’t done yet. Too early to be sure. And you’re not a doctor. Jackie works her magic (she’s the star of the show, of course she has magic, it’s in her contract) and the testing person finally fesses that things look good. So far.

Jackie races to tell the anxious parents the supposed good news, and they instantly worship her in relief and admiration. Lot of glowing close-ups as the happy family packs up and heads out into the night.

Quick scene in Kevin’s bar, where he and Eddie are still bonding over sports (guess Eddie hasn’t found a new job after being replaced by a machine, so he apparently has some time on his hands). This can only lead to heartbreak, dismay, and twisted future events that require therapy. I do believe that’s Alfred Hitchcock we see walking by on the street outside the window.

Now we have Jackie kicking back in the hospital church, reflecting on…. who knows. She hears some crinkling noises coming from a nearby pew, and discovers Thor with some diabetically contraband donuts, and she challenges him. Why are you doing this? “You’ve already lost sight in one eye.” Thor is amazed, how did she know? (She’s the star of the show, of course she has instant vision-diagnostic skills.) Actually, she figured it out when they were trying to save non-God in the ER. Thor: “You are the only one that knows.”

Then the bonding continues as Thor actually pops out his fake porcelain eye for review and discussion. This scene is one of those that teeters on the fine line between really touching and too bizarre for words. I’ll let it land in the touching camp. After all, you’ve gotta be tight with somebody if you’re going to let her hold your eye, right?

Cut to Zoey with non-God. She’s dragged him to a window and is trying to get him all excited about hurling insults once again. He’s bummed, life is a sham when you aren’t divine. Zoey counsels him: “Maybe you’re like Jesus, or the brother-in-law of God, or something.” Non-God considers this, then finally decides that a second-billing would be fine. He leans out the window and goes to work.

Dr. Cooper confronts Jackie. Where’s the family with the possible CF kid? Jackie gets all better-than-thou. You were screwing around and taking forever so I gave them the good news and sent them home happy. Coop is not pleased. It took forever because I wanted the whole story, and the child DOES have Cystic Fibrosis. Now I’m the bad guy that has to call and ruin their lives.

Jackie: “No. I’ll call them. Give me the phone.”

Final scene has Jackie arriving home, with everyone already tucked into bed. A brief moment of reflection. Then Jackie pulls something out of a bag, studies it for a bit, then leaves it on the kitchen table. It’s a fancy, talking smoke-alarm for Gracie to discover when she wanders down for breakfast in the morning.

Very sweet. But really, Gracie is just going to find something else to worry about until you get to the root of her problem. And isn’t that the theme of this entire show?

#113 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 6

We start out as we usually do, with the losing Heroes tribe making the March of Shame back to camp after sending home one of their own. This time they’ve said goodbye to Tom, instead of the more obvious choice of the hobbled James. Still not happy about that. We got some stupid on this here island.

First we have an odd bit where James asks Colby if he wants a hug. We can’t tell if he’s serious, joking, or just drunk. Colby takes a pass on the physical bonding. Then we have a sidebar with Candice: She decided not to vote for James because she didn’t want to make the rest of the tribe mad. Really? I think it’s a bit late for that. These people are gunning for YOU next. Amanda confirms this in her own sidebar.

Cut to the Villains camp on the same night, where most of the gang is sleeping peacefully since they’ve still got about 500 people on their tribe while the Heroes self-destruct. Oh wait, Russell’s still awake. And so is Rob. Russell scampers over to where Rob is leaning against some tree. (“I’m gonna make him think I’m not after him even though I am.”) Sure you are, Russell. People completely trust anything coming out of your mouth. Good luck with that.

So Russell stands on several boulders so his short little ass can actually look Rob in the eye. Then he blows obvious smoke about how he thinks Rob is one cool dude and they tight. Rob just looks at him, letting Russell dig a deeper hole of deceit for a while, then cuts him off with “There’s a lot of people mad that you went looking for that Idol.” You made yourself a target. “You need to watch your back.”

Russell, who SHOULD know a lot about backs since he’s stabbed so many of them, forgets that he’s trying to lie and manipulate here, and resorts to childishness, snapping that Rob better watch out, too. (I know you are but what am I?)

Roll opening credits.

Right away we get tree mail that it’s time for a challenge, although we aren’t sure if it’s for Reward, Immunity or both. Hmmm. Something big is coming. This is way too early in the episode for a normal challenge.

So both tribes wander off to wherever Jeff is, with the Villains “getting a good look” at the other tribe and realizing that the Hero idiots kept the physically-limited James and sent somebody else home. As Jeff studies the dropped-jaws of the Villains, he asks them what they think about the Hero vote. Danielle, trying to be polite about it: “James must have a strong alliance.” But her eyes are saying that she thinks it was a stupid move. Parvati’s eyes are sparkling, because the knows just how to manipulate James and it’s just fine if he sticks around.

Then Jeff launches the bombshell that both teams will be going to Tribal this time. The jaws of the Villains remain dropped, because they’ve only been to Tribal one time and that was so long ago that it’s only a distant memory. They’ve been living the high life since then while the Heroes implode. Exactly what is this Tribal thing again?

Jeff explains further: Each tribe will do the challenge separately, with the winners of the two races earning Individual Immunity. Then those two winners will duke it out in a final race, with the winner of the THAT round gaining the Reward prize for their tribe: The chance to eat hot dogs while watching the losing tribe bicker and debate before they send someone home. (When that time comes, I’ll try to refrain from any phallic references about the hot dogs and what the Survivors are doing to each other. Whoops, too late.)

This challenge involves each tribe member clipping themselves to a rope, and then having to work their way along said rope as they navigate a complicated puzzle-fence thing. We’ve seen this type of action before. Skinny and/or small people have the advantage. Rupert is not going to win.

The Heroes are up first. It’s a fairly tight race, with two points worth noting. One is that Colby doesn’t seem to have his act together, despite the fact that he REALLY needs to win Immunity, and he falls behind. The other is that nasty Courtney, watching from the Villains tribe, is smirky and sarcastic with her commentary. She is so useless, people need to write her name down at Tribal just because she‘s irritating. Skank.

Interestingly enough, Candice wins and gains Immunity. There’s a twist that doesn’t bode well for Colby.

Then the Villains go at it. We also have two points of interest with this one. First, Sandra completely sucks. She barely moves more than an inch on her rope. (Hello? Anybody taking notes?) Second, Russell is so invested on checking to see how far everybody else has progressed that he’s not focused on his own efforts and he falls behind. His ego is his own worst enemy.

Rob manages to win, and that pop you just heard was Russell’s head exploding with jealousy.

In the final showdown, with just Candice and Rob, the difficulty is amped considerably as they must now work their way through a massive maze of rope and obstacles. It’s very close, but Rob pulls it out in the end.. The Villains cheer, but really, what’s the point? Both tribes have to send somebody home.

So now we have the mad scramble at both camps while the tribes decide on how to vote.

As the Villains return home to their pathetic excuse for a camp, there’s exuberant praise for Rob and his performance at the challenge. Not surprisingly, Russell is nowhere to be found during this celebration. He’s already raced off into the jungle so he can shove acid-laced pins into his Rob voodoo doll.

Rob gathers his alliance (Jerri, Coach, Tyson, Courtney, Sandra) and tells them that they should vote for Parvati to go home, but they should convince Russell that it’s really HIM so he’ll play the Immunity Idol. Then Rob marches up to Russell, who is still claiming that he doesn’t have the Idol even though the entire world knows that he does, and warns him that “you need to go get that Idol.” Then Rob adds, digging the knife in even deeper, “it’s better to play with me than against me.”

Russell almost has a coronary, he’s so livid that his delusional World of Superiority is being challenged. He races to find Parvati and Danielle, telling them that the rest of the tribe is voting for Parv (good insight, gotta give him that). Then Russell announces that he’s going to give the Idol to Parvati, and that all three of them should write down Tyson’s name.

Oh my. Something wicked this way comes. About 5’2” of it.

Cut to the Heroes camp. Colby gathers everyone around and tells them “I know I’m going home, there’s no need for scrambling, no hard feelings. Just relax, and don’t reveal anything at Tribal” for the Villains to use against them. (Gotta hand it to Colby, he still plays honorably.) The rest of the tribe actually looks a little disappointed that the vote decision is going to be that easy. No scrambling and strategizing? What are we going to do for the rest of the afternoon?

Turns out things are not going to be that simple. JT, Candice, Rupert and Amanda are on the beach trying to decide between Colby and the injured James. At first it appears that Colby is a done deal, then it starts flipping around as folks vent that James is kind of useless and he eats WAY too many bananas. (Seriously, these people have some strong emotions about fruit.)

Amanda then races to James. “You’re gonna have to show your strength. And quit stealing bananas!” James is confused by what this really means, but at least he realizes that it might be time for some PR. Amanda has more advice: If you’re going to eat the bananas make sure everybody else has one, too.

So James hobbles over to the rest of the tribe, and challenges JT and Rupert to a foot race. Rupert, who would much rather just sit on his butt, immediately declines. But JT thinks that’s a swell idea, and off they go. JT wins easily, even turning around and running backwards over the finish line. That little stunt might have back-fired there, James.

Over to the Villains camp, where Rob tells his alliance that they have GOT to split the vote, 3 for Parvati and 3 for Russell. With the numbers the way they are and the almost certain fact that Russell will play the Idol or give it to Parvati, this will cause a tie and a re-vote, at which point all 6 of them can vote for whoever doesn’t use the Idol. (Courtney just stands there the whole time, eating a banana and therefore instantly doubling her weight.) Got it? Everybody mumbles agreement.

Two seconds later, Russell snatches Tyson off to the side and fills him with lies about how Russell has had a change of heart and is voting for Parvati. This is probably one of Russell’s finer moves. He knows Rob’s alliance is going to split the vote, and he’s trying to rupture that split by appealing to Tyson’s strong desire to ensure Parvati goes home. (In a sidebar, Tyson confirms that he is indeed salivating at the thought of a Parvati exit. Stupid Tyson. The mere fact that Russell is even talking to you should be a warning sign.)

Time for the double Tribal.

First the Villains. Jeff starts out with some boring discussion about how the game has changed over the years. Things pick up a bit when the Immunity Idol is mentioned, and Sandra blurts “We all know who has it.” (Camera cuts to Russell, who is staring at the ground in his troll-like way.) Then she gets more direct: “Russell, if you DON’T have it, you better find it.” Russell continues to deny ownership.

Then Jeff grills the rest of the folks, and despite all the covert strategy we’ve seen up to this point, it’s really not clear what’s going to happen. The only thing we know for certain is that no one can vote for Rob with his little necklace. Cue the dramatic music as people wander across the bridge and scribble a name.

Finally, Jeff returns with the carefully arranged votes in the rustic bucket. Anybody wanna play the Idol? The troll jumps to his feet and Rob’s alliance breaks out in smiles. The grinning quickly stops, however, when Russell makes an annoying speech about trust and integrity, and then hands the Idol over to Parvati. She races to Jeff so she can play it, moving faster than she’s ever moved in three seasons.

End result? Two votes for Russell. Four votes for Parvati, which don‘t count. (As the fourth Parvati vote is revealed, confusion shows on Rob’s face. Somebody didn’t follow the plan.) And we end with three votes for Tyson, who’s going home.

Jeff: “Well, that was definitely a crazy tribal council.” Tyson in his exit interview: “I ended up being a victim of my own stupidity.” Yep, that you did. Don’t have any sympathy for you. Come on, you listened to RUSSELL?

Now we have the Heroes sitting around the fire, while the Villains are off to one side, shoving hot dogs in their mouths and gulping soda. This session is nowhere near as exciting as the dramatic trauma of the Villain showdown, but we do have some fun when James is discussing The Banana Etiquette. He doesn‘t think he should have to worry about whether or not everybody has something to eat. “If yo ass is hungry, you go get a banana.”

Then Jeff sends the belching Villains away so the Heroes can vote.

James votes for Colby. Everybody else votes for James, including a sobbing Amanda who tells James she loves him while they hug. James’ final words as he disappears into the night? “I’m gonna be good and drunk in the next five minutes.”

And I would imagine that he snatches up a banana or two on his way out…

#112 - “United States of Tara” - Season 2, Episode 1

So we start off with Tara and the family standing outside one of those metal box things where you can drop off “gently used” clothing so they can be recycled into society. As the family chatters, we learn that Tara has been on her meds for the last three months and she hasn’t transitioned a single time. So she’s decided to do some spring cleaning and get rid of the outfits the “alters” would wear when they surfaced. She no longer needs five wardrobes, just the one is good enough, thank you very much.

Then we have a lovely montage, full of happy family members doing cutesy things. Everybody’s singing and dancing and getting along and not acting the least bit dysfunctional, which saddens me slightly because it was the dysfunction junction that made things so much fun in the first place. (And what’s up with Charmaine’s boyfriend looking kind of hot? I don’t remember that from last season. Did they change actors or did I just not pay attention?)

Anyway, the happy scenes go on way longer than they should, to the point where I move beyond sadness to annoyance. I don’t want to watch “The Brady Bunch Is Better Than Your Family”. I want awkward moments and biting dialogue where someone says something basically cruel but it’s still hysterical. OMG, did someone fire Diablo Cody?

No worries. We quickly take the Twisted Exit off the Sunshine Highway and we get back to where we once belonged. Gunshots ring out somewhere in Tara’s neighborhood and the family races outside to see who’s being noisy and unruly. (As opposed to the normal routine, where the rest of the neighborhood is constantly racing to Tara’s house to see which personality has done what, how much there damage might be, and whether or not the scoop is worth a Facebook update.)

Turns out that some guy killed himself in a nearby house. While I’m sure this is really tragic, the real reason we have this scene is to allow Tara and Max and the chilluns to meet “The Gays”, the requisite alternative-lifestyle family that always shows up these days on TV series centered around a neighborhood. Tara takes a shine to the witty duo, and suggests that they “meet for a meal”. Of course you should, Tara. You’re simply not hip unless you’re in with The Gays. Don’t leave home without them.

Then it’s the next morning, and the Gregor family is in full dysfunctional mode while they work their way through breakfast, and I can finally relax. Tara is already making subtle hints that she might transition, Marshall is doing something absurd with pancakes and fruit, Kate is being rude as hell whilst wearing revealing pajama-wear, and Max is just looking forlorn, trying to get through the ordeal and constantly waiting for Sarah Jessica Parker to show up and say that she really, really wanted HIM instead of Mr. Big.

Cut to the local high school, where Marshall is wandering around the cafeteria with his pathetic little tray, trying to decide the least-implosive place to sit. As he passes the table where the gays hang out (is there a theme going on here?), he’s accosted by a young queen that’s never met a bottle of bleach that he didn’t like, with a peroxide hair-don’t that could help planes land in the dark.

Marshall decides to join them at this “gayble“, and then we get into a very political discussion that appears to involve flowers. It seems the activist gays want to overthrow society by forcing the Student Council to allow the distribution of purple carnations, in addition to the standard red, pink and white variety, during the annual “send your friends and possible lovers a flower” extravaganza.

Marshall: “Why don’t you just send your boyfriend a red one if you want? It still means love.”

Good point. But this does not sit well with most of table, including the requisite straight girl who then proceeds to make an eye-opening reference to that one time at band camp, while the others nod knowingly. These people are just angry.

Quick scene with daughter Kate looking for a job online. She seems very excited about a position that appears to involve espionage, danger and potential disappointment. I didn’t realize my company was hiring.

Tara and the family finally have The Gays over for dinner. This turns into an awkward-fest, especially when Tara insists on standing up and doing a song-and-dance routine, which is SO not Tara. Then one of The Gays tells a purposeless story from his youth where he was in an “agricultural pageant” and played a bad soybean.

I don’t even have a come-back for that one.

Moving on, we have a brief scene with sister Kate showing brother Marshall her intended outfit for the questionable job interview she has. It’s skimpy and entirely black, making her look like Undercover Slut Woman. Marshall trembles with unease and foreboding.

Back to the party downstairs, where Tara is entranced with some gossip from The Gays. It seems like this “Mr. Hubbard” that killed himself tried several different violent ways of ending his life before succeeding with the gun. Tara is overly fascinated with the dead man’s struggle, practically salivating as the tea is spilled. (Am I the only one realizing that the “alters” are fighting toward the surface?)

Kate shows up for her job interview, and learns that this company is really a debt collection agency where her salary is strongly based on her ability to get losers to pay their bills. Interestingly enough, she seems somewhat turned-on by this concept. Then again, Kate has lived her life by making fun of people in desperate situations. Maybe this is her dream job after all.

Quick scene with Marshall walking down the hallway at school, and overhearing the Student Council rejecting the Bitter Queen’s concept of purple carnations. Slight pause for reflection. What really IS important? And to whom?

Back to the Gregor household, where Tara and Max are surprised when the sister of the dead guy shows up at their door. She was hoping that they could keep an eye on her brother’s house, and she hands over the keys to the kingdom. (Seems a bit forward of the woman if you ask me. And shouldn’t she be concerned about the twelve different names on the mailbox?)

Cut to Charmaine and her now-hot boyfriend at some restaurant. She’s just returning from the comfort station, and he’s pulled the old “engagement ring in the champagne glass” routine. She discovers the jewelry, and unbridled enthusiasm ensues. Sadly, in the midst of the festivities, hot-boy grins broadly, and we learn that he has at 4,000 very big teeth. My thoughts toward him change from lust to abject fear. I don’t want that mouth anywhere near me. Everything has changed.

Now we have a scene with Tara and Max, running off to one of the local beer joints. There’s a brief bit of a squabble when Max openly flirts with the waitress, and Tara is not really impressed with that, but Max blows it off by explaining that the waitress “knows he’s here with his lady.” The thing he really wants to focus on is that he wants to buy the dead man’s house.

What? Why?

Cut to some point later in time, where we see Tara using the sister’s keys to get into said dead man’s house. She takes off her shoes (clear warning sign that something is horribly wrong) and then she wanders about, fondling things, including the stripped-down bed where the man used to lay. Creepy.

Then we have Marshall arriving at school, with the assistance of dad Max, carrying a ton of purple carnations. Marshall then proceeds to hand them out to all the gay kids and anybody else who will take them. Really liked that bit.

Quick scene with Kate at her new job, where she’s apparently very successful. Establishing a payment plan for the downtrodden is her life’s calling.

Another scene with Tara in the dead man’s house. She’s sitting at a desk in what appears to be a home office. Suddenly, she leaps to her feet and rips open a closet.

Trauma is everywhere, people. Heed the signs. You don’t open the closets of strangers unless you intend to transition. Word.

Later that night, Max is asleep in bed, probably dreaming of Sarah Jessica Parker who only has one personality. Tara is not sleeping, instead standing beside the bed and staring out a window at the dead man’s house. Mournful music is playing on the soundtrack to ensure we understand that she is troubled in some way.

Final scene has Tara wandering into the local beer joint, in full Buck mode (guess the meds aren’t working, and that s/he raided the clothing drop-off box in the first scene). Tara/Buck approaches the flirty waitress and starts with the sweet lovin. Waitress gal, despite the fact that she surely recognizes Tara from her previous visit with hubby Max, flirts right back and seems quite intent on some carnality with Buck in the very near future.

Which makes the waitress even scarier than the teeth on Charmaine’s boyfriend.

So we’re back to madness, confusion, and the possibility of outrageous acts at any given second. It’s good to be home again…