#129 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 14

So we’re back at camp after Rupert’s eviction at Tribal, and Russell is raging at Sandra for not telling him she had an idol. She stands up to him. “You never told ME when YOU had idols. I didn’t do anything wrong.” Then Russell turns on Parvati, who really didn’t know Sandra’s secret either. “You are LYING, you knew she had it.” Parvati gets fed up, telling Russell: “You need to get over yourself for one minute.”

What a way to start things off. One big, happy family, right?

Cut to Colby in a sidebar, grinning from ear to ear: “Hey, let them go at it. Takes the attention off of ME.”

Roll opening credits.

Now we have tree mail, with a bag of puzzle pieces. Parvati reads the attached note, and it sounds like we’re going to have one of those “balance the dinnerware on a pole” things for the upcoming competition. (What this has to do with puzzle pieces, I have no idea.) Upon hearing this, Colby gets mad and stomps off. What, does he hate plates? Was there an incident at the dinner table during his formative years?

Then we have Russell in a really long sidebar, where we don’t learn anything new. He wants to get rid of Colby, he doesn’t trust Parvati, Sandra is Puerto Rican, there’s sand on the beach. Why are they letting him ramble on forever? I realize the producers consider him the star of the show, but what’s the deal? Then I remember that this is a two-hour episode (followed by a one-hour reunion) and we’re only 10 minutes in. Got it. We gonna have us some filler tonight. Brace yourselves for lots of bogus scenery shots and spiders devouring their prey.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

And yep, it’s a dish-stacking competition. They each have to stand there with a wiggly pole laid on a divot, then add modified Fiesta Ware to a base on the other end as Jeff calls out the next piece. Almost immediately, Sandra is dealing with broken crockery and a seat on the bench. Jerri is out a bit later, followed by Russell (hurray!) Now it’s down to Colby and Parvati.

Then the wind kicks up, and we get to watch these two sweat and tremble as their towers shimmy and teeter. (Hey, is that Russell on the bench adding his hot air to the gale force?) Then the wind finally dies down, and so does Colby. Parvati wins immunity.

Back at camp, we have Parvati in a sidebar: “This is a HUGE deal. Now we can keep all the Villains and get rid of Colby.” By the way, are we hawking any products this time? Because I’d really like to model again, this rock I’m sitting on is perfect.

Cut to Colby addressing the remaining tribe. He knows he’s the last Hero, and he’s going home. Let’s enjoy the day, I’m not going to hustle anyone. Then we have Colby in a sidebar, with second thoughts: “I don’t know HOW to quit.” Yes, you do, Colby. We’ve seen you do it in just about every competition so far this season. Ain’t been no fire up in your grill.

Then Colby just sits there for a long time while the camera keeps rolling. Not sure what this is all about. Is he on the verge of crying? Is he trying to remember the names of all 50 states? What gives? Then he’s back with us: “So I decided to make one more attempt.”

Colby runs to Russell: If you get rid of Sandra instead of me, there’s a better chance that Parvati won‘t win immunity the next time. Russell in a sidebar: Hmm. Very tempting. But if Colby makes it to the top three, it’s over for me. (You got that right, Squat Tag.) I’ll just make my decision at Tribal.

Cut to Tribal, natch.

Jeff asks Colby what it’s like being the last Hero left. (Jeff, why do you ask these lame-ass questions? What do you THINK it’s like? It sucks.) Colby says that it sucks. Then he also confesses that he tried to convince Russell to get rid of Sandra and keep him. (Sandra makes a face indicating her displeasure with this bit of news.) Jeff asks Sandra if she trusts Russell. Sandra: “This is Survivor, I don’t trust nobody.”

Jeff asks Russell: “Is there anybody that would NOT lie to you?” Russell hems and haws and tries to avoid giving an answer, which is odd because Russell loves to hear himself talk. Jeff turns to Colby: “There’s your hope.”

Time to vote, and that brief hope dies quickly. Four votes for Colby, one for Sandra. Colby and his teeth walk away into the night. Somewhere in the distance, a sad little coyote howls.

The rest of the Survivors march back to camp, with them doing a happy dance about being Final four. (Okay, Russell doesn’t dance. The man has never danced in his life, which is part of his problem.) Parvati in a sidebar: “That thing with Colby was an eye-opener. I really need to win immunity tomorrow.” Honey, it’s Final Four. You need to win immunity even if the other three have cut off a body part to show their allegiance to you.

Russell goes to Jerri: “We HAVE to win immunity tomorrow and get Parvati out.” Jerri nods in enthusiastic agreement, and her hair curls even more at all the excitement.

Next day, we have tree mail again, which includes a map of the “ceremonial beach”. Oh boy, here we go with the personal tribute to the “Survivors who have fallen before them.” So off the four go, traipsing around and collecting the little tags with tribe member names, which they then throw into a roaring bonfire. The mixed message of this stunt always cracks me up. Oh, we love you and had such good times, now DIE a flaming death!

(Side note: That bonfire sure gets really big. Hope it doesn’t jack up air travel like that damn volcano in Iceland.)

Time for the final Immunity Challenge.

This one involves a giant maze, which the Survivors have to navigate while blind-folded, feeling around for symbols on directional signs, retrieving four necklaces, and then racing to where the Immunity Necklace is hanging. Off we go, with poor Parvati slamming into the maze walls every ten seconds (you’d think she would settle down after the first three or so hits) and Russell shoving Parvati out of the way because he’s such a gentleman. Sandra is having the worst time, of course, and probably would be in Ecuador by now if the maze walls hadn’t stopped her.

But it’s a very close race between Parvati, Russell and Jerri. All three of them are literally within inches of each other at the very end, with Russell getting there just a half second before the other two. Russell wins final immunity and is guaranteed Final Three. The world is no longer safe.

Jerri in a sidebar: “Parvati’s going home.” Chickens before they’re hatched? Don’t count them.

Russell in a sidebar: “I’m taking Sandra for sure.” Whatever, Russell. You’ll change your mind seven times before the next commercial.

Sandra in a sidebar: “Russell wants to take me because he thinks I won’t get a single vote. But I don’t know about that.” Then she grins.

Quick scene with Russell, Jerri and Sandra, swearing Final Three to the end.

Parvati, who’s been sporting an ugly sack dress the last few days instead of her bikini, with no explanation given, goes to Russell: “Get rid of Sandra.” Russell: “Jerri and Sandra are my best bet right now.” So sorry.

Russell in a sidebar: “If I send Jerri to the jury, I know I’ll still get her vote. If I send Parvati, I might not.” (NOW he’s going to worry about who is on the jury? Dude, a bit late for that.)

Final Tribal.

Sandra: “Russell tells me all the time I can’t win.”

Russell: “Alliances are gonna get broken tonight.”

Parvarti: “I feel very vulnerable.”

Jerri: I don’t know which way to flip this time. What can I do to prove I have no will of my own?

Then Russell and Parvati get into it, mainly over Parv claiming that the two of them have been protecting each other, and Russ claiming “I’ve been protecting YOU” the whole time. They are not very nice to one another. End result, things just don’t look very good for Parvati.

So the final vote surprises me. Three votes for Jerri, only one for Parvati. Wow. A very confused Jerri wanders away into the darkness.

Back at camp, the next day, Russell is being a jerk, mostly bickering with Parvati but swiping at Sandra as well. When Russell runs off to try and form an alliance with a tree, Sandra snatches up that damn hat he’s been wearing all over the place and throws it in the fire. “THAT’S how much game I got.” Sandra deserves a bump for that move.

Time for the Final Three to face the jury.

The opening statements of the Final Three can be summarized by single quotes.

Sandra: “I did it by MYSELF.” True enough, nobody has had the girl’s back since Courtney got sent packing back in the day.

Russell: “If I did anything to offend anyone, I apologize.” This is so out of character for Russell, the entire jury just stares at him in stunned amazement, not buying it for a second. Look, you little urchin, what did you do that did NOT offend anyone?

Parvati: “I needed protection, so I kept Russell as my pet, but I played the ultimate game.” A little bit weak there, Parvati, and not really believable. And why do you still have that ugly dress on?

Then the jury gets a turn.

Colby: “Russell, you are delusional.” (Nail on the head.)

Coach: “Russell, you are a very little man in stature.” (And in other ways.) “Sandra, you were useless.” And as for Parvati, “You were a warrior in challenges.” (Gee, wonder who Coach is voting for?) He ends with “As a Christian, I came in here with no pre-conceived ideas of how I’m going to vote.” Hmm. Looks like Coach had a religious conversion while sitting in the jury house. How nice for him.

Amanda only has one question, for Sandra: “How could your strategy have been better?” Sandra: “Well, if my strategy had been better, then Russell would have been gone by now. I could never get the Heroes on my side.” (Pan to the Heroes on the jury, deservedly staring at the ground in embarrassment.)

Courtney is full of nothing but love for Sandra, babbling about “loyalty” and having each other’s back until the end. She glares at the other two, and then waits for the wind to blow her anemic body back to the jury stand.

JT to Russell: “You think these people are gonna vote for you?” Russell: “They’ll respect me.” Then JT actually appears to be giving slight props to Russell, but Russell can’t just take the sort-of compliment and has to run his mouth. JT gets fed up and just walks away.

Danielle to Russell: “You obviously have a lack of skill in your jury management. Would you change anything that you’ve done?” Russell: “I wouldn’t change a thing, and I’m not gonna say what you want to hear.” Danielle: “Well, you’re not gonna get any votes.”

At this point, the only one to show even slight love for Russell has been JT, and Russell’s arrogance STILL got in the way and scuttled that. I’m starting to get a warm fuzzy.

Jerri to Russell: “The plan was to take me. What happened?” Russell spews some double-talk that doesn’t make any sense. Parvati happily steps in: “He told ME that he knows 100% that he’s got your vote,” and that’s why he did it. Jerri and her hair do not take kindly to this revelation. Another vote in the toilet, Russell.

Candice to Russell: “I understand that you have to tell lies, but you went too far, telling vicious and dirty lies that hurt people.” (Conveniently, no one challenges Candice on her lies, so she turns and marches away, being careful to walk just right so her blonde hair looks really pretty in the fire light.)

Rupert to Russell: It’s hard playing this game with integrity. Being a “manipulative, deceiving, lying person is very easy.” To Sandra: “I was swayed by Russell” and his lies. “You deserve a big thank you” for what you tried to do. (Sandra chokes up a little bit, either with emotion or because a June bug flew in her mouth.) To Parvati: “You aligned with Russell, but at least YOU deserve to be here.”

Time to vote.

Interestingly enough, they actually show us what six of the Survivors write down.

Jerri, Danielle and Coach vote for Parvati.

Candice, Courtney and Rupert vote for Sandra.

We don’t see how JT, Colby and Amanda vote, but one thing is clear: There’s no way that Russell can win.

We do the mystical transition thing and suddenly we are in New York City for the results.

Parvati only got the three votes we’ve already seen.

Sandra gets the remaining votes, and wins Survivor for the second time.

Russell doesn’t get a single vote.

I smile and put down my pen on another season of Survivor, ready to relax and watch the reunion show. No need to take notes now. I already know how this is going to go: A full hour of Russell in denial, Sandra throwing out snappy one-liners, and the other 18 Survivors sharpening their knives for the Munchkin Feast. Good times…

#128 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 13

Post Tribal, everybody moseys back to camp, where the Villains scramble to figure out how to repair the damage after Russell managed to send one of their own home. At first, I’m pretty psyched, because I’m fully expecting Parvati to tear Russell a new one. Sadly, this does not happen.

Parvati in a sidebar: “I completely distrust Russell, but I need him so we can get rid of Rupert and Colby first.” Okay, hold up, Teeth Girl, let’s break this down. Russell just knocked off your bestie Danielle, and now you don’t have anybody to play Swimsuit Model with. Why are you focused on two Heroes that don’t have the numbers to do any real damage to the Villains?

Then we have Jerri, Russell and Parvati talking shop and discussing the same thing. Gotta get rid of those Heroes, because there’s SO many of them left and all. They completely ignore the elephant on the island, which is that Russell and Parvati can’t stand each other and Jerri has flipped so many times she needs a chiropractor. Good luck with the trust factor, guys.

Russell in a sidebar: “Parvati has nobody but ME now.” Then he kills a baby turtle with one of the machetes he’s stolen.

Roll opening credits.

Next morning, we get tree mail in the form of a box. Just to make sure we all understand that it’s time for some product placement, the box has “Sprint” stamped all over it. Inside is a Palm Pre. (Imagine that!) The Survivors all stand around and fiddle with the phone, shoving it at the camera so we can see that, yep, it’s powered by Sprint.

(Side note to the Sprint PR people: Maybe you didn’t think this one through. Instead of marveling at your piece of technology, I was turned off by the filthy fingers of the Survivors as they pushed the buttons. This made me not want to own a phone model that dirty people would use. Think about it.)

The phone also has videos of a family member for each of the Survivors. Apparently, these family members have just been whisked to the island so they can help out in the Reward Challenge, and are now standing behind a tree somewhere. Which means that we now must proceed to the Challenge so these relatives can come out of hiding.

So we cut to yet another area of the island where the Survivor producers have pretended that they didn’t disturb the natural environment, but you know they did. (How else are they going to have room for all the cameras, crew and those annoying Medical people that only speak Australian?) Immediately, Jeff starts plugging the wonders of the Sprint Palm Pre, in case we haven’t been paying attention up to this point. Based on his glowing words, you’d think this instrument can stop global warming as well as free Tibet.

Then Jeff starts bringing out the relatives, and we have the usual heart-stirring mini-reunions while poignant music plays on the soundtrack. Interesting to note: While everybody else busts out in tears and tightly clenches their loved ones, Russell greets his wife like it’s a business meeting. Not a tear in sight while they air kiss. They must live in a very, very cold house.

Down to business. Basically, the Survivors have scoop water out of the ocean with a bucket, run up to a line in the sand, throw the water through the air to their partner who is holding another bucket, then the partner dumps the catch in a bigger bucket. Jeff: First team to fill the bigger bucket gets to fly to another island and “experience the blowholes.”

Oh my. Guess we’ll see what THAT’S all about.

Jeff does some more shilling for Sprint (“You can take the Palm Pre with you!”) and then we’re off.

Right away, Colby is yelling at his brother for doing a lousy job, and he continues throughout the whole competition. (I’m guessing there was a troubled childhood.) Sandra shows that suckage at competitions just runs in the family, because she and her uncle just can’t get it together. (The uncle does try to steal water from the other teams, so I guess cheating is in the genes as well.) Jerri and her sister (All the way from Germany! We hear this 50 times!) manage to fill their bucket first.

Jeff tells Jerri she can pick another Survivor to go with. Jerri immediately tags Parvati (and her dad), but since Jerri’s a greedy little girl: “Can I take one more?” Jeff consents, and Jerri squeals Sandra’s name. Russell, because he didn’t get any validation from Jerri, turns to his wife and mutters: “She’s in trouble now.” The wife whole-heartedly agrees, and throws her bucket down to show her displeasure that someone would not worship her husband. That’s a messed-up redneck couple right there.

Cut to Jerri, Parvati, Sandra and the various family members standing at the blowholes, which turn out to be exactly that, holes on a rocky beach where the surf rolls in and blows out a geyser of water. (Yes, I was slightly disappointed that it wasn’t something more intriguing.) Anyway, the good time to be had here is when you throw a coconut in a hole at just the right time for the coconut to be launched high into the sky. They do this repeatedly until I’m ready for one of the falling coconuts to knock somebody out so we can go to another scene.

And we finally do cut away, but it’s only so we can see Parvati and her navel poised on yet another rock, as she babbles away about how the Palm Pre has changed her life. Then she has a small orgasm to prove it.

Finally, we’re done with that mess, and we move on the feast so the girls can shove food in their mouths while strategizing. Jerri’s all atwitter (in 140 characters or less) about Russell being mad at her because she didn’t pick him, and she might go home. Parvati scoffs at this. What? Rupert and Colby are next. You’re completely safe. Are you gonna finish that banana?

Well, turns out the girls might have at least a tiny thing to worry about, and it’s name is Russell. Back at camp, he’s in a sidebar, bellowing about Jerri AND Parvati. It’s one of his typical rants that he goes into when things don’t go exactly his way or someone dares to question his Divinity. He ends by calling them “unappreciative little witches”, although his actual choice of words is bit more colorful.

Russell then hops off his booster seat and races to Rupert and Colby, swearing Final Three with them. (Rupert in a sidebar: “I WANNA believe him.” Idiot.) Colby to Russell: “Can you get Jerri to flip?” Russell: “Yep. Parvati’s going home.”

The girls come straggling back to camp late at night (guess those blowholes had them enraptured for a long time). At first, everybody just goes to bed. Except Rupert. While people are trying to sleep, he starts sawing on things. Seriously. And throwing other things around and banging on stuff. For no reason. Everybody in the tent curses his existence and plots his demise. (Jerri goes off in a sidebar, and she wants him GONE.)

Since nobody can sleep now, Jerri and Russell confab on the beach, where she does that simpering mess where she coos over Russell and hopes he’s not mad at wittle Jerri for the not-picking-him boo-boo. Russell, because he needs her number, accepts her groveling and says he’ll let her know who to vote for. Jerri, skank that she is, basks in his glory. Yuck.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one is simple. You stand there with your hands out, palms down, and have to balance two poles, wedged between your hands and a board over your head. You drop a pole, you’re done. Fifteen SECONDS into it, Colby is out. Dude did not even try. Sandra follows in less than a minute, natch. Poles keep hitting the sand until it’s just Parvati and Rupert. They go for a while, but Parvati ultimately wins Immunity. (Ever notice that Parv is really good at competitions where she just has to stand still?)

Rupert in a sidebar: “Plan B, Sandra goes home.” Um, you might want to check with the short one before you say that.

Speaking of, Russell runs up to Parvati: Rupert is going home.

Sandra and Rupert on the beach. Sandra: “What do we do now? I want Russell to go.”

Rupert, the dumb-ass, runs to tell Russell what Sandra said. Russell storms off to find Sandra. He finds her, lounging in the tent, because she’s really tired after competing for almost a minute. (Parvati is there as well, probably wondering if anyone else needs her to talk about the Palm Pre.) Russell to Sandra: “Are you with me or against me?” Sandra, completely calm: “I’m against you, Russell.” Ohhh, gonna hit the fan now.

Instant squabbling, where it’s not really clear if Sandra was just playing, if Parvati is actually trying to mediate between the two or just pretending, or if Russell can even grasp the concept of people not seeing things his way. Then Parvati teases Russell by calling him Boston Rob for the “with me or against me” thing. Russell blows his top, threatens them both, then runs off to see if he’s finally grown tall enough to ride anything at Six Flags.

Jerri in a sidebar: “What is going ON? You DON’T push Russell’s buttons?”

Russell in a sidebar: “It might be Sandra instead of Rupert. I don’t know.”

Sandra in a sidebar: “I’m not gonna use the idol. It’s the last day to use it, but I feel confident.” (It’s the last freaking day, Sandra! Use it! God.)

Time for Tribal.

Sandra immediately spills about stupid Rupert running to Russell, and then Russell confronting her. Jeff to Russell: “Were you nice about it?” Of course not. Russell: “You go home if you’re against me.” Jeff then asks Parvati if keeping the Villain alliance intact is a good thing. Parvati: “There’s definitely room for switching up, but I want to keep the Villains with me. There’s a lot of Heroes on the jury.”

Pan to the jury, where everybody is looking clean and rested, and full of hatred for Russell.

Time to vote.

Jeff finally wanders back in. Idol, anyone?

Sandra leaps to her feet. (Good girl.) “I would hate to go home with the idol in my bra.” Then she digs around in there for a bit and whips it out.

Two votes for Sandra, which don’t count.

Four votes for Rupert. As Tie-Dye prepares to leave, he turns and glares at Russell. (Nice drama, Rupe, but you fell for his lies. Can’t blame anybody but yourself.)

Then Jeff makes an announcement: There’s only one competition left and we’re done.

Really? But we still have five people.

Interesting…

#127 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 12

Once again, everybody is traipsing back from Tribal, babbling about this and that while the night-vision cameras roll. Of course, the main topic of conversation is that naughty little Candice flipped, causing Sandra to NOT flip, resulting in a very-surprised Amanda getting sent home. Poor Amanda. Girl just can’t win. Literally.

Sidebar with Jerri, on Candice: Someone who flips that easily will just as easily flip back. We don’t really need her anymore. (Hey, Jer, considering how many times you and your hair have flipped, I guess you would know all about that, right?)

Cut to Rupert and Colby, who are fussing and whining about the Candice thing. (“She KILLED us.”) Then they call her a string of names which all come down to the same thing: You guys weren’t paying any attention, and she blind-sided you. In a way, isn’t that really YOUR fault? Just something to consider while you moan and feel sorry for yourselves.

Rupert in a sidebar: Candice is dead to us. “There are no other Heroes left.”

I’m sorry, Rupert. I stopped listening to you a long time ago whenever you try to say something noble, boring and slightly-delusional. Could you repeat that? On second thought, don’t.

Roll opening credits.

Well, hell, Rupert’s in another sidebar, with an astounding revelation: “I think Russell is a deceitful person. Anything he says is a lie!” (OMG, really? NEVER would have figured that out on my own.) But then Rupert promises to stir things up with Russell, which could prove interesting. We’ll see. Unless you’re just all talk once again, Rupert.

The producers prove me wrong by cutting to Rupert stirring things up with Russell. “You SWORE on your kids’ LIFE. Does ANYTHING mean anything to you.” It gets really heated, with Rupert punching all the right buttons. Of course, this means that Russell reverts to the only tactic he knows. He threatens Rupert. Oh, and he cusses a lot. There was so much bleeping going on that I checked the microwave to see if the popcorn was done.

Russell in a sidebar: “Rupert, pack your stuff, you’re going home.”

Then we have everybody traipsing into a clearing, fully expecting to play a Reward Challenge. Jeff surprises them by announcing that this will be an Immunity Challenge, and there will be another Tribal tonight, just one day after that last Tribal. (That sound you hear is 8 sphincters slamming shut.)

This competition is fairly simple. You stand on a little platform with one arm raised over your head. That arm is attached to a bucket with pretty water in it. You drop your arm, you’re out. For added excitement, Jeff is going to tempt the Survivors to bail voluntarily by proffering goodies. Oh, and there’s going to be a twist at the end.

We barely get started, and right at the one-minute mark, Jeff holds up a covered tray. Immediately, Sandra and Russell lower their arms, without even knowing what the prize is. Either those two feel very safe right now, or they weren’t paying attention when Jeff explained that this is an Immunity Challenge. (For those interested in details, turns out the tray contained cookies and milk, which Russell tears into like a rabid skunk.)

Then Jeff waves around some donuts and iced coffee, and Colby takes the bait. (Dude, you really need this Immunity. You can have a coffee break some other time.) When Jeff holds up PB&J sandwiches and chips, Danielle, Candice and Jerri knock each other down trying to get to it first. Why are these people not taking this seriously? There are just a few days left in the competition, and you’re going to blow it on snacks?

This leaves us with just Parvati and Rupert. Jeff reminds us that the last time Parvati played this exact game, she won it by lasting six hours. Six hours, people. I don’t even want to do something that feels GOOD for six hours. We get a shot of Parv, standing there like she doesn’t have a care in the world and confirming that she’s gotten a bikini wax at some point on the island.

Cut to Rupert, sweating and grunting and stupidly wiggling around on his little platform. Dude ain’t gonna last. Sure enough, he “slips” and is eliminated. (We totally believe that you slipped, Rupe. It had nothing to do with your Yoda-ass just giving up.) Parvati is safe at the next Tribal.

Then Jeff reveals the twist: It’s a clue for another Hidden Immunity Idol, but this time he just reads it out loud so everyone has a fighting chance. He doesn’t even finish babbling before the Survivors are racing over a hill and back to camp in a mad frenzy.

Scenes of crazed running, rudeness, destruction of local flora and fauna, and butt shots.

Lo and behold, SANDRA finds it, probably the laziest person on the island. (I had to rewind and make sure it wasn’t Russell in drag, because normally the idols fall out of the sky and into his lap while he’s doing a sidebar.) Sandra buries it under another bush and doesn’t tell anybody.

Rupert, meanwhile, has a plan. He finds a rock that is roughly the size of the Idols this season, and prominently positions it in a shorts pocket for people to notice and wonder about. And guess who falls for it?

Russell in a sidebar: “I know exactly how an idol looks in a pocket,” and THAT’S an idol. (It would be too easy to mock this statement with a sexual reference, so I’ll refrain.) Russell first races to tell Sandra that Rupert has the idol. (The one person who actually DOES have the idol. She, of course, doesn’t say anything.) Then Russell tells the Pixies.

So we have a quick scene with Parvati, Jerri and Danielle. They realize they need to split the vote between Colby and Rupert, just to be safe. But they sure want Candice out as well. What to do?

Stupidly, the Pixies are babbling away while Colby is RIGHT THERE, pretending to be interested in a coconut. He runs to tell Rupert the plan, half the votes are going your way, the other half will be either me or Candice. We NEED to vote for Candice. It’s our only shot.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Rupert: What was the fallout from the last Tribal? Rupert rambles on again about only two heroes left, blah blah, but bottom line is that Candice flipped. Candice says the numbers were already there, it didn’t matter what she did, so why go down with a sinking ship? (Which is a lie. Sandra was ready to flip, until Candice forced the issue.) Colby slams her. Very satisfying.

Then we talk about the idol, with Rupert slyly saying something that SOUNDS like he has the idol, but he stops short. Russell practically turns handsprings, because he takes this as validation that his guess was right. Then again, Russell gets validation by simply waking up in the morning and realizing he has yet another day to lie to people.)

Time to vote.

When Jeff comes back from “tallying the vote”, and asks if anybody wants to play the idol, Rupert continues his little charade by fiddling with his pocket while Russell grins. But Rupert doesn’t step forward, and Russ starts to realize that something is up.

Jeff starts to read the first vote, and we cut to commercial.

What the hell? NOT impressed with that.

Jeff starts to read the votes, and right away there are three for Rupert. Then five for Candice. The Pixies have bucked the Troll’s decree, and Candice is going home.

Jeff: Perfect example that you “can’t betray trust in order to gain trust.”

People march back to camp, and Russell lashes out at his Pixies. They try to assure him that everything is fine, we’ll get Colby next time. He doesn’t care, he’s just mad that he’s not dictating every move. Meanwhile, we have a shot of Parvati wearing Gloria Swanson’s turban from “Sunset Boulevard”. (No idea.)

And we go right into another Immunity Challenge. This is one of those three-part puzzle/obstacle course things, with only the top finishers moving on to the next round. Surprisingly, Rupert really pours it on and makes it to the final round with Russell and Pavati. It’s very close, but in the end Russell pulls it off and is safe. (Damn it.)

The Survivors trudge home in pouring rain, with the scantily-clad Pixies shivering in their mini-bikinis. (Bet you feel real sexy NOW, eh girls?)

Parvati in a sidebar: Rupert needs to go home. I don’t feel guilty. “The Villains are running this place, and there ain’t gonna be any Heroes left. NO Heroes.” Then she giggles. And the camera reveals that she’s apparently still cold from the rain.

Quick scene with Russell, Parvati and Danielle. Parvati is explaining that they need to lock in their 5-vote block. Russell acts like that’s the plan, but something’s bugging him. (Maybe it’s because he has to stand on a box so he can be in the same camera shot with Parv and Danny?)

Russell explains his beef in a sidebar: He is really jealous of Parvati and Danielle being so tight. “I need to break up that couple.” Oh boy, here we go again with his paranoia and Napoleon complex. How is this going to help you win right now, Russell?

So the scampering little troll puts his plan in motion, telling lies to both Parvati and Danielle that each wants the other out. He’s a little more successful with Danielle, but in a sidebar she reveals that she’s not sure she believes him. Russell hits a brick wall with Parvati. She’s not falling for it at all. So what does Russell do? He threatens to send Parv home, natch.

Parvati gets with Danielle, and they realize what Russell is doing. Parv: “I am NOT voting you tonight. I refuse.” And hey, that’s a really cute top, where’d you get that?

Russell in a sidebar: “I’m getting Danielle out tonight, and then Parvati will stick to me like glue.” Then he runs to get Colby and Rupert to vote Danielle. Well, of COURSE they’re going to jump on that. They’re outnumbered. If the Villains are imploding, sign us up.

Parvati and Danielle get Sandra on their side. Parvati: “Now we just have to make sure that Jerri doesn’t write Danielle’s name down.” They race to find her, and she promises: “I’m not changing my vote. Rupert needs to go.” Then Jerri goes to water yoga, or whatever she was doing before the interruption. Aw, does she miss Coach?

Russell goes to Jerri and plays hardball with her, if she doesn’t vote Danielle, then Jerri’s going home. Jerri: “Don’t threaten me, Russell.” Too late.

Time for Tribal.

And really, the whole discussion centers around Danielle. Jeff, once again not really treating people equally, digs at her until she says something he can pounce on, that the Villains are still a tight group. Jeff, smacking his lips in anticipation (or maybe he’s licking up some left-over lobster sauce from brunch), tries to tear this apart.

Parvati finally has enough and steps in. Okay, here’s the deal. Russell tried to pit the two of us against each other today. Jeff: “So Russell, you got caught.” Russell: “I didn’t get caught.” More lies spew out of his mouth, some serious ones. And because he won’t let Danielle get a word in, she can’t really defend herself.

Danielle finally breaks down in tears. On the one hand, it’s really all her own fault for hooking up with devil Russell. There’s that. But Russell is such a lying bastard And it gets worse. Right in front of everybody, Russell leans over to Jerri and tells her to vote for Danielle. (Jerri, somewhat startled by this blatancy, pretends to be fascinated by a patch of dirt.)

Parvati is so pissed she could explode. SOMEbody’s not getting a Christmas card this year.

Time to vote.

Danielle, Parvati and Sandra vote for Rupert.

Russell, Colby, Rupert and Jerri vote for Danielle. (Meaning Jerri flipped yet another time, is anybody paying any attention to this?) Danielle and her tears exit stage left, booted from the power trio. (It’s just like “Dreamgirls”! Only not really.)

Parvati to Russell: “That’s messed up.”

He just smirks.

#126 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 11

So everybody’s marching into camp after the amazing double-idol extravaganza that Parvati pulled, with the end result being a stunned JT walking out the door and into the Land of Humiliation. Rupert whispers to Colby, “I tried.” At first I think he might be talking about combing his hair, then I realize he was the only one who believed Sandra about Russell’s lies. Colby, in his cowboy hat, because you really need those at night, just says “Yep.” (Does he think he’s Gary Cooper?)

Candice to the former Villains: “Well, it was a good one you guys. It really was.” Everybody laughs like they’re all best friends, but you can tell that even the Villains can’t believe what happened.

Especially Russell. He’s parked in a tent, pouting because he’s obviously not completely in control anymore. He grills Sandra. Did you know she had the idols? Sandra: Hell, I didn’t know she even had ONE, let alone TWO. Did you know? Nope, Russell says he didn’t know a thing. (Dude, you GAVE her one of those two. Have you ever told the truth in your life? You should try it some time. Just to see what it feels like.)

Russell can’t let it go. Next we have him on the beach with Parv, Jerri and Danielle. He accuses Parvati of lying, and stealing the second idol from him, and blah blah blah. He mean. Cut to Parvati in a sidebar: I think Russell’s a little scared. And that’s fine by me. (You got that right, sister. Toy with that little troll until he snaps.)

Off to the side, Amanda tells Rupert that he was right all along (ya think?) and now they need to scramble and get one of the Villains to jump to their side. Rupert is going to work on Sandra, while Amanda will work on “the others”. (Aside from this being a vague assignment for Amanda, I’m not sure you want Amanda talking to anybody. It was her bad acting skills that clued Parvati in to the fact that the Heroes weren’t writing her name down. Maybe Amanda should just be on coconut duty.)

Then there’s a long montage where Rupert does uninteresting things with the campfire while he whines about people not listening to him. We get it, Rupert. Thanks for repeating it so many times. Now you and your toe need to get Sandra to flip.

Roll opening credits.

Scene with Russell and Candice on the beach, where he’s babbling about “somebody’s gonna jump” and he sure would like to pull Candice in as reinforcements. (In a sidebar, Russell thinks the jumper is Sandra. Of course she’s going to jump, Rustle. You and the Pixie Chicks haven‘t done her any favors.) Russell promises that Candice can be in the top six, and hints at possibly making the top three. (Note to Russ: How can you promise that? Didn’t Parvati just prove that you aren’t running the game? Note to Candy: Run in the other direction like there’s free cheese at Wal-Mart.)

Russell runs to tell the Pixies that Candice is IN, ready to burn her old house down. Now it doesn’t matter what Sandra does.

Then bam, we’re suddenly at the Reward Challenge. No tree mail, nothing. (Did some staffer forget to do something somewhere along the line?) This one’s called “Survivor Shuffle”, a shuffleboard thing where you have to slide discs and try to get them closest to the target. They’re splitting into three teams, and the winners get to visit the Robert Louis Stevenson museum and watch “Treasure Island”.

Sort of a sucky prize, right? And where’s the food? Is this even worth getting dirty and sweaty?

We get going, and once again Sandra proves that she can’t win a damn thing. On her second shot, Jeff can’t help but say “That was a wasted shot right there.” On the very last shot, Colby hits the mark perfectly, so he, Danielle and Amanda are going on reward. (Sandra as she marches away empty-handed: “We’re going to eat all the rice, so don’t go looking for it when you come back.”)

So the three of them show up at Robert L’s house, where a floral-printed woman is telling us things we don’t care about. (“Bob sat in this very chair!”) Everyone looks bored, and Amanda is picking up and examining everything in the museum. (If I were the guide, I would have slapped her, who cares if the cameras are rolling.)

In a sidebar, Amanda says her focus was finding the hidden immunity idol clue. Whatev, girl, you don’t pick up old things that don’t belong to you. Leave that to Tiger Woods.

Then we see the trio lounging on a bed, watching the movie and eating popcorn. (Everyone agrees that the popcorn is deelish. The movie, not so much.) Amanda is paying no attention, with her darting eyes searching the room for the clue. But it’s Danielle that finds the clue in one of the bowls of popcorn. She discreetly throws it under the bed while Amanda is checking the toilet paper roll.

Amanda gets suspicious, goes to Danielle’s side of the bed, and finds the clue. She snatches it up and runs. She and Danielle actually get into a catfight, stomping all over the place. (Colby just lays on the bed, uninterested.) This fight goes on for a while, with Danielle calling Amanda “psychotic” at least 47 times and clawing to get the clue back. All we need is some hot oil and we’ve got Showtime After Dark.

Danielle finally tries to get Colby involved. He actually says “I didn’t see what happened. I was watching ‘Treasure Island.’” (Are you kidding me? They’ve been pulling each other’s hair for twenty minutes.) Colby then says it’s understandable that Amanda took it, we’re desperate. “But it’s YOUR clue, Danielle. You found it.” Amanda finally gives it to her. Danielle: “I need a glass of wine” after that.

Amanda in a sidebar: “Colby wasn’t backing me up.” Honey, it doesn’t matter. If that clue was in MY hands, I’d have ripped it open, read it aloud, and THEN given it back. Do you want the money or not? (And Colby? Shut up.)

So the three get back to camp, and Danielle goes running up to Russ and the Pixies, and tells a totally different story about getting the clue back from Amanda. In her version, she beat Amanda to death with a copy of “Treasure Island” and snatched the clue. (Uh huh.) But yeah, they sort of know I have the clue. Jerri: “So let’s go find it.”

Off they go, scrambling through the undergrowth and shoving rocks around. (At one point, we are treated to a full-screen shot of Danielle’s butt. With THAT being in high-def, I was scared.) And of course, Russell finds it and doesn’t tell the others.

Russell runs to Candice, says he found the idol, and that him showing it to her should be proof that he’s not lying about her coming into the alliance. Candice, no dummy: “Can I see it now?” Russell glances over at the tent where the rest of the folks are lying around, lethargic but still able to keep their eyes open. Umm. Candice: “I want to see it NOW.”

Russell drags her off to wherever he’s got the idol, waves it at her briefly, then says “This is what is going to get us to the final three.” (Oh, now she’s final three?) Candice in a sidebar: “I don’t know if I trust Russell.” How many hundreds of times have we heard people say that, just before they DO trust him and get sent home? Geez.

Now we have Sandra and Colby traipsing through the forest, with Sandra spilling all about how Russell and the Pixies eliminated her alliance. (In a sidebar, Sandra confirms that she is SO ready to jump.) Trouble is, Colby is convinced that Danielle has the Idol, based on her having the clue. (Fair enough.) So this skews their plotting. Bottom line, Colby asks “Do we take out Russell or Parvati?”

Cut to Russell and Sandra. He lets slip that there are 6 people on his side, so even if you flip it doesn’t matter. “But anyway, I trust you.” Sandra kind of giggles as he walks away. (Note to Sandra: Don’t ever floss your teeth in front of us like you just did. Not pretty.)

Sandra goes to Rupert. I’m ready, let’s get Russell. Oh, by the way, Russell says one of your guys flipped. I hope they’re just lying to him. Can you check that out?

Colby goes to Amanda. Sandra’s on our side. We can do this. Russell or Parvati.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one involves them using tiles to build a 10-foot “house of cards”. First to do so, Immunity. Most everyone is horrible at this, so it comes down to a race between Jerri and Russell. Jerri pulls it off just seconds ahead of Russell. (Which I’m sure sends him into a tizzy, because he won’t be able to do a showy “double idol” thing at Tribal, and therefore Parvati still owns the best move this season. More pouting.)

Back at camp, Russell gets with Candice. Write Amanda’s name down. Whether you do it or not, she’s going home. Hmm. At this point, I don’t see the math behind that statement, but you never know. And really, it’s all about the playing of the hidden idol. Which Russell owns, so the little chihuahua will probably squeak by again.

Candice in a sidebar: At this point, people are going to be mad, either way I go. True. But are you really going to side with Russell? He will throw you under the bus. And when you’re old and gray, wouldn’t it be nice to have a merit badge on your cardigan sweater that says “I tricked Russell”?

Quick scene with most of the Heroes (not sure if Sandra was there, we saw lots of body parts so I can‘t be certain). Rupert: “Everyone has to make sure to write Russell’s name down.” Interestingly enough, there’s an odd expression on Amanda’s face. What’s up with that? Then again, there’s some low wattage with that bulb. Who knows.

Very revealing scene with Russell, Candice and Parvati. Candy tells Russell that the Heroes are voting for him. Parvati: “I’ve never seen Amanda lay down and die like this.” Candice: “She thinks she’s safe.” Parvati: “That makes more sense to me.” Then a weird thing that I don’t understand. Russell: “Who told you she was good? Did Sandra say she was good?” Candice nods.

Wait. So what IS Candice doing? Which side is she on?

Russell runs as fast as he can to find Sandra, with Candice trailing along behind him. Russell tells Sandra that Candice said Sandra was going to vote for him. Sandra denies this. Candice catches up with them. Russell basically threatens both of them, because that’s the only way he knows to operate. Then they all glare at each other for a bit. (Candice and Sandra have to bend down to do this, but still.)

Russell in a sidebar: All I need is one vote from either one of them, and Amanda goes home. Unless they have a genius plan where both of them are going to flip. Then it might be ME going home.

I immediately run and light a votive candle and begin chanting prayers.

Scene with Sandra, Rupert, Colby and Candice. Sandra is understandably freaking a little bit. Colby: “Candice is on our side. Calm down. We’re voting Parvati.”

Really? Not Russell?

Then Rupert explains. Either Danielle has the idol, or she’s going to give it to Russell. Total blindside if we vote for Parvati. Another scene with Candice swearing that she will not leave Sandra swinging in the wind. And Colby flat out says: If this doesn’t work, then we know that Candice flipped. And Candice is sitting right there. She makes a face that will not put her on the cover of “Glamour”.

I have no idea what’s going to happen at this point.

Then we have ANOTHER confusing scene, with Sandra and Candice on the beach. Russell and Danielle try to run up and get in the middle of things, but Sandra sends them away. “Can you JUST give us a minute? Every time I try to talk to someone other people are in my face.” (True.) Sandra to Candice: “Just vote Parvati.” Candice wants to vote Amanda, which clearly says she’s siding with Russell. Sandra: I am putting myself on the line for YOU. Who do you really want out?”

The camera cuts away before Candice responds. Of course.

Tribal.

And Jeff makes the focus all about Sandra. How do the Heroes win her over? How do the Villains convince her to stay? Russell makes it clear that he thinks Sandra is worthless, but at the same time, you have a better chance of winning at the end with a worthless person. Nice. How’s that for a warm fuzzy, Sandra?

Jeff: Who has the immunity idol? Colby: Danielle has it. (Nope.) Jeff: “Parvati, you worried?” Parv: Of course. I’ve given away my protection. Jeff: “Russell, you could be a target.” Russ: “Unless I find an idol, I’m gone.” Oh please. What’s that bulge in your pocket? The “Survivor” producers?

Time to vote.

Jeff “tallies” the votes. “Anyone have the idol?”

Russell plays his, giving a boring, self-congratulating speech.

End result, 3 votes for Parvati, 6 for Amanda, which means that both Sandra and Candice went to the dark side. What the hell? I. Just. Don’t. Get. These. People.

Parvati to Russell: “Dude, you wasted that idol.” (Déjà vu.)

Doesn’t really matter. He’ll find another one on his way home from Tribal.

By the way, anybody keeping an eye on the growing jury pool? Does Russell really think he can get a vote out of that mess? Just wondering…

#125 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 6

We start out with Jackie fiddling with a snow globe, probably because it somehow reminds her of pills. Then the camera pulls back and we see that she is lounging in bed with Eddie, presumably at his place. (Well, for all we know, it could be a Crate & Barrel display, but we’ll go with it being Eddie’s pad.)

They have a conversation wherein we learn that Eddie thinks vinyl is better than digital, Jackie hasn’t listened to music since Teletubbies invaded her house (no further details are given), and that Eddie really wants to know a lot more about her life. Jackie thinks this is rude, blurts out “I like YOU, and not just because you have drugs”, then she stomps out. But not before adding, “stay away from my family.”

Jackie arrives back home, where Kevin is making popcorn. Jackie pretends to be interested in this boring activity and tries to not look like she just had sex with someone she supposedly can‘t stand and is not her husband. Then there’s a cattle herd noise, and here come Gracie, Fiona and that obnoxious hellion Caitlin running in from the other room. Caitlin clearly trips Fiona on purpose, sending her sprawling, but Jackie and Kevin don’t notice this because they’re busy denying that their relationship is in trouble.

We’re not sure if it’s just the trauma from the fall, but little Fiona races up to Jackie explaining that she would really like to have a broken arm for her birthday so she can wear a cast. Jackie is not particularly supportive of this request. Then we have several instances of devil-child Caitlin verbally tormenting little Fiona until Jackie finally snaps, grabbing the heathen and telling her to “Shut the f*** up!” Caitlin gets a satisfyingly frightened look on her face.

This altercation sends Jackie to the basement, where she digs around in her trusty Easter Decorations pill box, only to find that all the eggs are empty. Uh oh. So she has to traipse back upstairs, non-medicated, and sit on the couch with Kevin while the three girls watch something animated and uninteresting on TV. Jackie to Kevin: “Do you know where my Joni Mitchell albums are?” (No idea.)

Cut to the hospital, where Zoey is being cranky and odd. No one cares, so she stops this after a bit. Then we have some squabbling between Dr. Cooper, Jackie, Zoey and Sam as they fight over who has to help a patient clean himself after he goes number two. Not sure what that’s all about, and fairly certain that we didn’t need to see that.

Then another victim is rushed in, this one being a woman who, we eventually learn, tried to kill herself by driving her motorcycle into something that wasn’t soft. She’s a mess, ruptured spleen and such. Her husband/boyfriend/something paces anxiously in the waiting room, thinking it was just an accident.

During all this mess, some pharmaceutical salesman wanders in, trying to interest Jackie in his wares. She gets all militant, telling him to get back over “the yellow line”, this is not the time. He mentions something about free samples, and suddenly she’s all ears, snatching up everything he proffers. Then she heads to the nearest restroom and has a nice snack.

Next we have Zoey and Jackie, where Zoey is still acting crazed and weird. Jackie: “Is it the hormones or what? And did you ever take a pregnancy test?” Zoey: Nope, I just KNOW. (Test or not, Zoey, you’re really getting on my nerves with this. Go talk to the writers and have them whip up some more interesting scenes for you.)

Mrs. Akalitus comes marching through, dragging a life-size paper doll of Dr. Cooper. She pulls Jackie off to one side: Whether you like this concept of Coop being a pin-up for the hospital or not, you need to deal with it. Then she waves the paper doll around. “These things cost $280 dollars. DON’T vandalize.” (Of course, we know right away that Jackie is going to do just that.)

Akalitus wanders back to her bat cave, and Dr. O’Hara waltzes up because she’s tired of sitting in the Green Room and wants to do some acting. She and Jackie are studying the paper doll thing, thinking of clever put-downs, when Coop himself struts up. They chase him away with insults. Then O’Hara’s phone rings. It’s the mysterious Sarah, TV reporter and apparent bed-mate, and she’s standing right behind them.

O’Hara races into Sarah’s arms, and there’s some tender but discreet re-awakening of dormant lust. To make up for this noisy display of growing passion, they insist that Jackie go to lunch with them. Cut to the handy restaurant next door, where Sarah gets hopped-up on wine and shares a baffling story about she and O’Hara getting horny on an army base and lying to people so they can play slap and tickle. Jackie squirms appropriately.

Back at the hospital, we have another patient wheeled in. This man has an arrow through one of his lungs. (“Some rich guy got drunk and shot it into the air.”) Dr. O’Hara is actually the attending physician, but Coop also wanders in, looking for attention. The two of them snap at each other, so Jackie is the only one paying attention to the patient, and we discover that he’s just had a lung transplant. And guess where the arrow landed?

Quick scene in Mrs. Akalitus’ office, where Coop is whining about being disrespected. He’s sitting next to the giant paper doll that he dragged in. Someone has scribbled “I grab boobs” on it. Wonder who that might have been? Akalitus just looks at Coop like she really needs to change her shoes.

Zoey, praying in the hospital chapel, where Sam and O’Hara began and ended their relationship. (Better watch where you sit, honey.) Zoey gazes in supplication at a statue of Mary. “I’m not ready for this.” I assume she’s talking about her pregnancy. Then again, it’s Zoey. She could easily be referring to a new choice of bagel.

Kevin calls Jackie. “Eddie and I are going out tonight. He got us a table at Susan Sarandon’s really cool ping-pong bar. Isn’t that great?” Jackie quietly snaps the neck of a small, furry animal that happened to hop by.

Zoey comes running up to Jackie: “The rich man who shot the arrow? He sent his driver.” Jackie is SO not impressed with this. She marches up to the driver, and tries to tear him a new one. Turns out, the driver can’t stand his employer, so that takes some of the fun out of it. The driver explains that the criminal charges were dropped because his evil boss has connections. And get this, he sent me on a mission: “I’m here to pick up his arrow.”

Jackie’s eyeballs explode.

She snatches up the arrow and races outside to the fancy car the driver has parked outside. It’s a very plush Mercedes-Benz. (“Only 15 of them were made!” explains the driver.) Trouble is, the owner is not inside. No problem. Jackie takes the arrow and scratches up the paint job around the entire car. The driver just smiles.

Cut to Eddie and Kevin playing ping-pong at the fancy celebrity bar. Jackie walks in, popping a pill as she does so, and then joins them. When Kevin wanders off for more beer, Jackie confronts her crazed lover. “WHY Eddie?” Eddie: “You lie to me, I tell him everything.” And I guess I’m supposed to feel sorry for Jackie at this point, but seriously, she’s the one who initiated the recent round of squat tag. With a crazy man. And she didn’t even get any nice drugs out of the encounter.

Final scene, with Jackie sitting in her kitchen, applying a fake cast to little Fiona’s arm. Jackie: “Are you sure you want this for your birthday?” Fiona: “I know it’s not broken. Nothing’s really broken.”

From the mouths of babes, right? If only we would listen.

Discuss.

#124 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 10

We start out in the Heroes camp, where everybody is babbling about the upcoming merge. They are all very psyched about the illusion that as soon as the merge happens, Russell is going to come running to them with open arms and the game will be theirs. It’s sad that logic has left them behind. Maybe it’s a vitamin deficiency.

JT in a sidebar: “Give us a merge, give us anything, we’re bored!” (Speaking of giving, JT, you’ve already given Russell the gift that’s going to keep on giving, just not in the way you think. This whole episode might just be centered around your surprised facial expressions as things develop.)

Then we have Amanda and Rupert wandering over to the little tree mail spot, and lo and behold there’s a big ole chest sitting there. The attached note indicates there’s no key, but “company” might just be coming along to help them out with that. Merge!

Cut to the Villains camp, where they find a key attached to a giant walking stick with a piece of paper wrapped around it. This paper turns out to be a map to the other camp. A joyous celebration erupts as everyone jumps and cheers. (Including Sandra, although I’m sure her bouncing is for an entirely different reason.)

Russell gathers his minions around (minus Sandra, natch) and they concoct a little story about “double idols” so that the Heroes will THINK Russell tried to do as JT expected by attempting to vote Parvati out, but things just got wacky. On the surface, there are 500 holes in this story, but based on the gullibility of the Heroes so far, it just might fly.

Russell in a sidebar: “I’m the only one with a hidden idol.” Interesting, since that means Parvarti has held her tongue about her own little jewel. Then Russell runs back to join the rest of the dancing Villains, as they all convinced that the Heroes are “doing down in flames.”

Roll opening credits.

And here come the Villains, traipsing down the Hero beach while lugging gear and cussing about the fact that they have to carry things. (Did you expect valet service? I’m sure Jeff has a few servants he can spare, ask him.)

A camera zooms in the catch JT’s reaction to the fact that Parvati is at the head of the line, as I’m sure they’ve been instructed to do. He’s a little surprised. (JT in a sidebar: I couldn’t believe Parvati was still there. Then I saw Russell’s little legs sticking out from under the Sear’s crate, and I knew what had happened. They both played an idol. Now there aren’t any left! Woo hoo!

Poor, poor delusional thing.

Everybody finally gets to camp, and there’s lots of fake hugging and pretense that they all don’t want to stab each other in the back. They bust open the trunk, where they find new buffs, of course, and a nice spread of food. While they chow down on this, they try to think of a new tribe name. Most of the suggestions are boring, but then Jerri, because she’s bitter, spits out “All Villains”. Because we all are.

Rupert, because he’s all about truth, honesty and idealized visions that have no basis in reality, races off to find a camera for a sidebar. He’s terribly offended about being compared to a villain, and he wants to whine about that for quite some time. Um, Rupert, weren’t you all gung-ho about the dumb-ass decision to sneak an idol to Russell? That’s not villainous? Hmm.

Then we have some rather tired scenes with people working around camp, lying on the beach and not working (you always have those people), and folks talking strategy. One thread does become clear, they want Parvati to go home, and Parvati overhears some of this. (Then quit snooping, girl.)

Parvati, overcome with emotion that people might not like her, races off to some part of the beach and (I think) starts to cry. (She may have just gotten sand in her eye.) “They HATE me… I’m offended at how they’re treating me.”

First, ya whiner, you have done under-handed things since you first sent in your audition tape years ago. You should not be surprised. Second, you won the game by being under-handed. Did you really expect a pride parade and marriage proposals?

Danielle wanders up and tries to boost her morale. We’re in a good spot, don’t sweat it, blah, blah. This seems to work, as Parvati suddenly brightens at the prospect of destroying the other tribe. “They’re about to be picked off one by one.” Realizing how much fun this is going to be, they hug and break.

Now, I should point out that, despite Parvati being supposedly emotionally devastated during this bit, she never once assumes a pose that would be unflattering to the camera. Apparently personal grief causes here to glisten and stretch while the tape rolls. And of course the camera person laps it all up, zooming in on the dewy angles. Hey CBS, nothing says “family show” like the close-up of a tiny-bikini crotch, right?

Russell wanders up to JT and Rupert, and spills his lie about the non-existent double-idol vote that stopped him from sending Parvati home. Rupert actually acts a few probing questions, instead of just lying there and taking it, which seems to be his usual position this season, but Russell deftly throws out more lies. None of his story makes sense if people think about it, but it sure sounds good. Russell tops of his tale by swearing on those kids of his, like he’s been doing for two seasons. (Do these kids even exist? Has anybody ever seen them?)

JT in a sidebar: “He might be lying, but I don’t believe it.” Idiot.

Russell in a sidebar: “This is going to be way easier than I thought.”

Sandra and Rupert meet briefly on the beach, and she spills. “Whatever Russell says, agree but don’t believe it. Parvarti did NOT play the idol. Now, they can’t see me talking to you or I’m gone, so I gotta go.” Then she races off, clutching a piece of driftwood because props are always nice in any given scene.

Rupert in a sidebar: “Is Russell playing us?” Gee, I don’t know, Rup. He’s played everybody else. You watched last season, right?

Scene with everybody eating breakfast, where Parvati and Danielle decide that they’d rather have bananas instead of eggs, and off they go to get some from the stock. For some reason, this really sets off the Heroes. (Rupert in a sidebar: “This makes me MAD. We ration around here.) Hmm. Doesn’t look like Rupert’s been going without, just sayin.

Then we have Rupert, Amanda, JT and Candice, finally trying to talk strategy instead of whine about fruit. Rupert: “What if Russell is playing us?” JT (of course): “No way!” Amanda: “I don’t think so.” Candice, to her credit, doesn’t enter the Russell Love Shack. Rupert: In case he is lying, “we need a voting plan. Tell him we’re gonna do one thing and then vote another way.” Amanda, finally getting the hint of a clue: “That would be a good test.” Clap and break.

While JT has a sidebar where he proves that he’s still in denial about Russell, Rupert tracks down Candice, who seems to share his suspicions: “Don’t. Trust. Russell.” Candice nods knowingly, but also looks startled to learn that the existence of Bigfoot has just been confirmed. She glances around for the quickest route to safety.

Amanda and Parvati meet up on the beach. They both babble a bit about really wanting to work together, but it’s tough. And Amanda warns: “They want you gone. I’m working to get rid of Sandra to keep you here.” Parvati, debating on whether or not there is any trust here: “Will you at least tell me how they’re going to vote” when it comes down to it? Amanda agrees. Parvati: “Then there’s this. I have an idol.”

So both are sharing details. Are they back together again? Can they bust the alliances? Apparently not.

Amanda in a sidebar: “If Parvati makes it to the end, she’ll win.”

Parvati in a sidebar: “I’m going to make sure no Villains go home tonight.”

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one basically involves standing on tall totem pole things that have very narrow indented rings where you MIGHT be able to stick in a toe or two. Whoever lasts the longest gets individual immunity. Amazingly, Colby is the first down. (“Not my forte.”)

Sandra goes seconds later. Russell follows. Then Rupert gives up, followed by Amanda, then JT, of all people. (Why are the Heroes dropping like this? Only Candice remains. Are the Heroes THAT confident that Russell is in their pocket? Or are they just afraid of heights?)

Jerri manages to last an hour and a half, which surprises me. Girl usually whips out some physical ailment as an excuse whenever stamina is involved. Then Candice, who hasn’t even broken a sweat, suddenly says “Good luck” to the remaining two pole-clutchers and prepares to jump down. Jeff tries to stop her: “Before you go, why?” Candice: “They look like they can go for a while.” And she’s down.

What is UP with the Heroes? Candice could have taken that.

Danielle and Parvati, the last two, have a whispered conversation. Danielle: “I’ll win this one. You have the idol.” Parvati: “I’m out.” She drops, Danielle gains immunity, and Jeff scurries back to his yacht parked in a nearby lagoon.

Rupert in a sidebar: “Parvati must have the idol, or she wouldn’t have quit.” This is more proof that Russell lied, and Sandra was telling the truth. “I want Russell out!”

Colby to JT: “We need to tell Russell that we’re voting for Jerri or Sandra, and then vote the other way.”

Russell in a sidebar: “I’ve got to get the idol to Parvarti, so we can vote JT out.” Then he runs to hand her such. Parvati totally plays it up. “Oh, you. Thanks, honey!” Then she lets him briefly touch her to ensure that he stays on her side.

Parvati in a sidebar: “I’ve got two little green men protecting me.” Um, I count three, when you pull Russell into the picture.

Again with Amanda and Parvati on the beach, sort-of pretending to be in a mini-alliance and sort of not. Amanda: “You better play the idol.” Parvati questions this. Why? Amanda: “Just play it.” Then they both scamper off to a sidebar to say what they really feel.

Amanda: “She’s dangerous.”

Parvati: “She’s lying about playing the idol.” They’re doing something else, and it’s too risky for me to play the idol and lose it for no reason. (Great insight, really. Now, could you stop fiddling with your bikini top? We are fully aware that you are proud of the twins.)

Time for Tribal.

Rupert immediately goes off on the banana thing. Danielle: “Really, what’s a banana or two?” Rupert continues to rant, boring us all, until Russell finally says: “So what, let’s play.” Jeff to Russell: “Is this an important vote?” Russell: “It will change the rest of the game.”

Parvati, apparently having a flashback to her sob-fest on the beach: “I feel like everyone’s avoiding me.” Jeff: “Is that because you’re used to constant attention in real life?” Parv: “No, Jeff. You’re right, but no.”

Time to vote.

Interestingly enough, instead of the usual voting montage where we only see how one or two people vote, the producers lets us glimpse almost all of the Hero votes, and they’re all voting for Jerri. That tells me right there that something wild is about to happen, and it’s not going to be Jerri going home.

Jeff scoops up the vote bucket and then pauses at his little stand. Idol, anyone?

And here’s the wild part: Parvati, claiming that she’s just looking out for her tribe, pulls out an idol and hands it to Sandra. Then, for a “little extra security”, she pulls out the other idol and hands it to Jerri.

Wow.

Everybody in the hut freaks. (And yes, we get the reaction shot from JT that we’ve been waiting for. Plus a bonus shot from a totally flummoxed Russell. He had no idea.)

Jeff does his thing, all five votes for Jerri are thrown out, and JT is going home. JT actually shakes Russell’s hand before leaving.

Russell turns to Parvati: “You have some explaining to do.” She just grins and continues to squirm around and

Probably the most interesting surprise move I’ve ever seen on the show. Down side? Parvati no longer has an idol. She will have to completely trust Russell and the other Fly Girls to stay in the game…

#123 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 5

So Jackie wanders into her bedroom, apparently late at night. (Kevin is asleep in the bed) Jackie decides to do some housekeeping RIGHT THEN and grabs a shirt off the floor. In the pocket of this rude article of clothing she finds some movie ticket stubs. Interestingly enough, the ratio of child/adult stubs does not match the known population spread in Jackie’s house. Something’s up.

(On a side note, Jackie, don’t dig in pockets if you don’t want to learn stuff.)

Anyway, Jackie gets that look, flips on a bedside lamp so that her interrogation skills can be clearly seen by all, and she wakes Kevin. Spill, now. Turns out that Kevin and the girls went to dinner and the movies with evil Jenny Flynn and her satanic offspring, Caitlin. Jackie expresses her dissatisfaction with this arrangement, Kevin gets to act frustrated while shirtless, and then suddenly Jackie gets horny. (Perhaps heated discourse just does something for her.)

But the lustiness is short-lived. Jackie quickly changes her mind and decides to sleep on the couch in the living room instead. Well then.

Next morning, Jackie wakes to discover crazy Gracie and little Fiona standing beside the couch, both of them clutching boxes of high-sugar cereal and shoving handfuls of such into their mouths. (Um, Jacks, maybe THAT right there is one contributing factor to Gracie’s obsession with the end of the world. Nobody needs that much artificial energy. Bad things can happen.)

She has a brief conversation with them, where we learn that “Alice in Wonderland” is a really great movie (Fiona) and that it was directed by Tim Burton (Gracie, and of course she would know this because she’s drawn to darkness and men with unkempt hair.) Then Gracie says something flippant and stomps off. To make up for this brashness, Fiona proffers some Fruit Loops for Jackie to eat. And of course Jackie does, because her mouth automatically pops open whenever she spies little, round, colorful things.

Cut to Jackie and Dr. O’Hara having breakfast in that restaurant near the hospital. Jackie’s whining about Jenny, O’Hara is advising on how best to keep secrets from husbands, and Jackie’s back hurts from the couch. This somewhat boring conversation is interrupted when some reporter has breaking news on a TV that is conveniently located nearby.

What the reporter is actually saying is not important. What we’re supposed to learn here is that, first, Jackie really likes this reporter, Sarah Something. Second, O’Hara seems to know way more personal detail about this Sarah than your average rich doctor should. Jackie, about how much she enjoys Sarah’s reporting: “I could NOT love her more.” O’Hara, somewhat muttering: “Well, get in line.”

Oh?

Then we have Jackie and O’Hara strolling through the hospital, where they run into Sam. (Remember that he and O’Hara just “passed the offering plate” in the last episode.) Sam would like a word with O’Hara, but she quickly dismisses him and they move on. O’Hara to Jackie: See, that’s how it’s done. Quick and painless.

Then we have a close-up of Zoey shoving a giant donut in her mouth, while diabetic Thor is sitting in the background. Then there’s a nice conversation about how unglamorous diabetes can be, wherein we learn that Halle Berry gives birth to beautiful children and Mary Tyler Moore is an alcoholic.

Suddenly, Mrs. Akalitus comes stomping up and interrupts all the fun, because that’s what she does best. She announces that “Miguel from Admitting” will now be stationed at the Pill-O-Matics until they can figure out why controlled narcotics are going AWOL all the time. Jackie, looking quite mortified, argues with her for a bit. “You’re making things worse.” Mrs. Akalitus does not care, and she and her 50’s hairstyle march away.

Next we have everybody racing to assist with a patient that sleazy Lenny just rolled in. Seems this guy fell off a building or some such. They get him in one of the rooms, people start doing their thing, and then Zoey grabs a pair of serious scissors and starts to cut the man’s pants off. (I guess this is something that happens all the time.) Zoey lets out a squeal when she discovers a gun in the man’s pocket.

While everybody else screams and panics (including Dr. Cooper), Jackie steps up to finish the scissor action by just cutting the whole pocket out of the man’s jeans. She then marches off to where “Miguel from Admitting” is soundly sleeping next to the Pill-O-Magic machine. She kicks him and hands the weapon over. “Make yourself useful.”

Quick scene with Jackie leaving a message for Kevin. My bad about sleeping on the couch, missed waking up next to you. Call me. Which is sweet and all, but this is Jackie, right? What’s the real motivation?

Another quick scene with Akalitus storming into the room where Coop, Zoey and Jackie are still working on the guy who no longer has a matched set of pockets on his pants. “I understand there was a gun. I want him handcuffed to the bed.” The other three: “But he’s unconscious.” Akalitus: “Don’t care.”

Cut to Akalitus’ office, where Cooper is once again whining about Jackie. She cuts him off, bigger fish to fry. Seems the hospital board has decided they want to do a splashy ad campaign, and they have decided (Akalitus grimaces here but manages to keep going) that they want Dr. Cooper to be their spokes model. Because he’s cute. Not because he’s a good doctor. Surprise!

Cooper, totally pleased with the offer and himself: “hob-knobbing is my gift. That and really tiny stitches.” But first he wants his “team” to look at the contract. He has a team? Please.

Short scene where Jackie manages to steal drugs from the Pill-O-Rama while Miguel is obliviously working on a crossword puzzle. Nice.

Extended scene where there’s some mess about Mrs. Akalitus approving the purchase of cheaper “death kits”, with the little plastic sheet not even beginning to cover a dead body. More importantly, we learn that Sam is knowledgeable about Reflexology, and he grabs Zoey’s hand to demonstrate his skill with a diagnosis. “Something’s up with your uterus.” Whoopsie. Then Zoey slaps him and runs away because… I don’t know. It’s Zoey.

Another patient is wheeled into admitting, this time an elderly woman. I don’t really get all of the details (something about her being abandoned in her own home) because I’m distracted by two things. One is that the woman is waving around hands with freakishly long and nasty fingernails. The other is that the actress doing the waving is none other than Marion Ross, aka Mrs. Cunningham from “Happy Days”. Is Fonzie responsible for this woman‘s condition? Maybe Pinky Tuscadero? Are there going to be more cameos?

While this is going on, O’Hara clatters up and drags Jackie off to the side. She demands that Jackie order Sam to stop looking at her. Jackie: Are you kidding me with this? You made your own bed. O’Hara: “It’s not a bed, it was a one-night stand. Barely that. Just a bump in the chapel!” Jackie just gives her a look and heads back to work.

Scene with Jackie and the clumsy guy who tripped and fell off a building. The whole conversation is in Spanish, but the helpful subtitles inform us that he was carrying an unlicensed gun because people keep stealing his tools and he can’t report this to the police because he’s not legal. Oh boy. In the midst of this, Jackie gets a text from Crazy Eddie. “Still sweeping up vitamins, love you anyway.”

Jackie wanders into the room where they are keeping the neglected Mrs. Cunningham. Zoey is warmly chatting with her, and it becomes clear that Mrs. C is just not all there. (Perhaps she never got over the cancellation of her show.) Zoey shares some surprising news with Jackie: “She has a a 24-hour caregiver, paid for by the state.” Really? Jackie gets that look which means heads are about to roll.

She stomps off to get the woman’s file, then comes back and gently digs for more detail on this supposed care-giver. Turns out this person only shows up once a week or so. As Jackie’s blood continues to boil, Thor comes up and would like to chat with “Renata”. He recognizes her from back in the day, when she used to by a stylist for major Broadway productions.

While Thor and Renata chat, Jackie and Zoey are off to one side, discussing getting old and babies and such. During this, Jackie fesses to Zoey that she has two girls. Pause while Zoey grins. Then Jackie: “That’s all you’re getting.”

A bit later, while Jackie is trying to call someone (not clear), O’Hara totters up again in some really cute boots, and makes Jackie go outside to talk. Cut to them on a bench, where O’Hara has just spilled about having been in a relationship with Sarah the Reporter. Jackie: “Really? You don’t do ANYthing half-ass, do you?” O’Hara thought she was over it, but she’s meeting Sarah in a few days.

Sam comes walking up, and Jackie quickly scurries away so that O’Hara will have to deal with him. He gets right to the point, breaking off the relationship that they really don’t have. Sam: “My girlfriend’s back.” O’Hara: “So’s mine.”

Scene with Zoey talking to sleazy Lenny, and they seem to know a lot more about each other than we first thought, getting slightly intimate with their conversational flow. Zoey: “I think I might be pregnant.” (Oh my, is this Baby Daddy?) Turns out, no he’s not.

Zoey: “It’s not with the guy I like. It’s his brother. One less Jaegermeister and I might have ended up with the one I wanted.”

Lenny: “If no one steps up to the plate, I can be there.”

Cut back inside the hospital, where some woman marches up to Thor. “I’m looking for Renata Thurber.” Thor: “Family?” Woman: “Caregiver.” As soon as she says that, I can’t help but squeal. Jackie gonna get her some of THAT. And here she comes, being all sly. “Why don’t you have a seat, we’ll get you the release forms.”

Suddenly Jackie gets very busy. Zoey tell her that the police are here for the gun, they need a signature. Jackie gets an extra set of scrubs, marches to the room with the illegal, and explains how to escape the hospital and how to care for his wound. Then she uncuffs him. Go! Jackie then intercepts the police officer and asks him to follow her.

They approach the care-giver while Jackie explains that the officer will need to take the woman in for “aggravated neglect and endangerment.”

Care-giver: “Who the hell are you?”

“I’m Jackie Peyton. Nice to meet you.”

The officer takes the woman away.

Later, after work, Jackie calls someone. “I’m sorry about all this. Wanna talk?”

Cut to Jackie meeting Eddie (yes, Eddie) outside a movie theater. “You gotta toughen up.” Then they go inside to watch “Alice in Wonderland” while a jazzy little number plays on the soundtrack…

Hmm.

#122 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 9

We start out in the Villains camp right after Coach has been sent home.

The camera zooms in on a rat running across the ground. (Is it Russell? Is he carrying a tiny machete that he’s going to hide from the rest of the tribe?)

Jerri in a sidebar: She totally didn’t see the Coach thing coming. (Really, Jerri? Let’s see. You decided, over Coach’s objections, to make an alliance with Russell and the dancing bathing suit models. You didn’t think there would be fallout?)

Jerri races off to find Danielle. What’s going on? Am I safe? Danielle: “I’m not writing your name down. You’re not next.” (Let me translate that for ya, Jerri. Satan’s Trio is not aiming for you right now. But you’re ON the list.)

Jerri, because she’s still in denial, runs off to find Russell. What’s going on? Am I safe? (Sweetie, why are you even asking this man? He’s going to tell you exactly what you want to hear.) And he does. “I promise you ain’t next.” (Can you tell that Russell went to a really gud skool? And dude, if you really are a self-made millionaire, why the hell haven’t you paid anybody to fix your teeth?)

Opening credits roll.

It’s the next day at the Villains camp. They get tree mail about the next Reward Challenge, and the note spells it out that they need to rank their tribe from the strongest to the weakest in preparation for the competition. Hmm. We have Russell and five rail-thin women who having trouble standing in a slight breeze. This won’t take long.

Zip over to the Heroes camp, where they are perusing the same tree mail. At least these folks are trying to figure out the best strategy for this “strongest” thing. It depends on the competition. If strong can be offset by being too heavy, we might want to mix this up. JT: “The bigger you are, the harder it is.”

Rupert stomps off to a sidebar, really irritated with JT. Rupert thinks he’s the strongest person on the island. I see. Okay, then explain to me why you haven’t personally done a single thing that lead to a tribe victory? Care to field that question, Yoda?

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Rupert shows his butt again by hooting and hollering when he sees that Coach went home on the Villains tribe. Yep, there’s for sure an all-girl alliance going on over there. JT backs him up. Them girls be runnin’ things. (Okay, Rhubarb and Cletus, try to focus for a second. If the women folk are laying down the law over there, don’t you think they would have sent Russell home before Coach?)

Jeff explains that this Challenge involves standing in booths with little ledges for your feet, and then progressing down to even tinier ledges until you can’t stand it anymore and you crash to the ground. Members from the opposing tribes are paired up based on the rankings they did after the tree mail. If someone in any matched set tumbles, the other tribe gets the point.

Because the tribes took different approaches to the ranking thing, we have some really odd pairs, and this could be anyone’s game. Jeff: And by the way, Amanda is now the first person in Survivor history to tough it out for 100 days.

Wow, that’s actually pretty impressive from one angle. On the flip side, the poor thing has never won despite making it to Final Tribal twice. Which means, Amanda, that when the tribes merge, and they will, you need to stay far away from Parvati. She skanked your butt once before. Do you really want to set another Survivor record by being the only person to make it to Final Tribal THREE times and still lose? I rest my case.

Anyway, Jeff tells all that the prize for this Reward Challenge is a meal from Outback Steakhouse. (Can you say “product placement”?) Upon hearing the news, several members on both tribes drop to their knees in prayer. (Russell tries to do this, but once he realizes that he would be praying to himself, it’s really a moot point.)

And here we go. Colby drops first, which means Jerri wins a point for the Villains. Rupert drops next (so much for his delusional strength, right?), meaning Sandra gets a point for the Villains. Finally, Amanda grunts and hits the ground, letting Courtney (COURTNEY!) score the final point for the Villains.

As the Villains celebrate their win, Jerri bursts into tears. (I guess the girl really loves her some Outback entrees. J-Low, if you really understood how long red meat stays in your digestive tract, wreaking havoc, you’d probably shut off the waterworks.)

Cut to the Villains wandering up to a cute little Outback shack on the beach, complete with a fully-stocked bar. Sandra sucks down what looks like a raspberry margarita in less than three seconds. (I don’t know about the rest of you, but I suddenly want to party with her.)

They settle in to eat, and we see that as Parvati snatches up her napkin, a rolled-up clue tumbles out. She quickly shoves it into her panties, and it appears that no one sees this maneuver. While the rest of the gang digs in, Parv can’t stand the suspense and suddenly announces that she has to pee. “Be right back!”

Danielle, latching on to the fact that Parvati does not turn down meat of any kind and therefore something must be up, decides to follow her. “Me too!”

The two of them confab on the beach, where Parv shares the clue with Danielle. There’s another hidden Immunity Idol, if you can just figure out the producer’s weird nursery rhyme about where it might be. They do a happy dance.

Parvati in a sidebar: I only shared the clue with Danielle as a strategy move.

Zip over to the Heroes camp, where we initially have JT bellowing that he doesn’t care about any damn steak. Fine, don’t really believe it, but okay. Then JT takes his first moronic steps into Insanity Land. He spells it out like this to the rest of the tribe: We are just about to merge, I just know it. Russell’s on the outs over there with the Villains, he’s going next. If we win the next Immunity Challenge, I’m going to give our Idol to Russell so he can save himself and then immediately join us after the merge. Genius, right?

Crickets chirp.

Amanda in a sidebar: “This is CRAZY. We don’t really know what’s going on over there.” Surely she’s not the only one who sees the madness in JT’s plan.

But apparently she is. There’s a sidebar with Rupert, and his broken toe, where he’s practically salivating at this brilliant move. Even Candice, who generally has a level head, spews this to Amanda: “It could give us the numbers, and it gets the Idol away from JT.” Wait, you’re going to give an Immunity Idol to someone on the OTHER tribe?

Oh my God these people are stupid. Why isn’t somebody stopping this?

Back over to the Villains camp, where first we have Russell sitting on the beach, watching a rainbow develop off in the distance. I have no idea what that’s all about, because Russell doesn’t understand natural beauty. He only understands things he can buy or steal. I’m fairly certain of what political party is stamped on his voter card.

Cut to Parvati and Danielle, racing around the island and trying to figure out where the hidden Immunity Idol might be. Amazingly, they find it. (I guess they didn’t read the script where it clearly explains that only Russell is allowed to find these things.) Parvati is jumping with joy. “I’m the queen. And usually the king does what the queen says anyway.”

Quick shot of Russell, realizing that something is up and racing around the island to find out what his marionettes are doing. He doesn’t find them. Good.

Transition to the Heroes camp, where JT is writing a love letter to Russell, using a lined page in a spiral notebook that nobody has seen up to this point. I didn’t see anybody bring that notebook on the island. Where did it come from? I’m going to guess that Jeff wandered through the camp and handed it to JT, saying something like “we’ve already run the promos showing that you did something dumb-ass, so here’s some paper. Pay it forward.”

JT in a sidebar: I’m really nervous but I’m gonna do it.

Stupid man. Exactly how did you win on your season? Oh, that’s right, you chipped a tooth and everybody thought that was money-worthy instead of just bad coordination.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains that this event involves the tribes competing against each other to work bags of puzzle pieces (natch) along a rope over an obstacle course. Once a tribe gets five bags to the endpoint, they then have to build a totem pole out of the pieces. (Perhaps this is not the time to ask what totem poles have to do with an island south of the equator.)

So off they go, and it becomes clear early on that the Heroes are going to win this thing. What’s more important is that Russell and Colby end up being the last players on both of their tribes, standing around at the starting gate while the various players flail away on the obstacle course. Colby gets Russell’s attention, and tells him that he needs to meet up with JT right after the race. I think Colby even mutters “I love you, man”, but it’s not clear because there’s a lot of splashing around in the riptide as the race progresses.

Russell is stunned, but recovers quickly, telling lies to Colby that Parvarti is running the show over at the Villains camp. Russell agrees to vote Parvati out at the impending Tribal Council that will be the result of the Villains falling on their ass in this competition.

Two seconds later, Jeff declares the Heroes the winner. A Villain is going home.

Four seconds later, JT discreetly hands the Idol to Russell during the Hero celebration. (I am clawing my face at this point. WHY are you people doing this? It’s madness.) Russell is so psyched about this turn of events that his head almost explodes. Sadly, it doesn’t.

Sidebar with Russell: “People are actually giving ME the Idols!” What the hell?

We arrive at the Heroes camp, where JT is very proud of himself. “We did it! We just made Survivor history.” And you probably did, but not for the reason that you think. Rupert, also overly joyful that they’ve done something spectacular, is convinced that “Russell is having a hard time containing himself.”

Cut to the Villains camp, where Russell is clearly NOT having a hard time containing himself. He’s already handed JT’s letter to Parvati, and she’s reading passages aloud in between bouts of hysterical laughter. “(What, is he in fifth grade, passing notes?”)

Parvati in a sidebar: Why would JT even do this? He’s just handed his heart to Russell, who’s going to stab it into a million pieces and then I’m going to eat them up. Yum!

Sandra in a sidebar, musing on the upcoming eviction possibilities: “Me without Courtney is like rice without beans.” (I have no idea.)

Courtney and Parvati get together, and Courtney tries to increase her value. Hey, if you keep me past the merge, Amanda trusts me and that’s a bonus, right?) Parvati DOES seem to be interested. So you’d stay with me after the merge? Courtney nods vigorously, but then the wind shifts a blade of grass and we can no longer see Courtney.

Parvati in a sidebar, where she’s actually showing some intelligence instead of just skin: Keeping Courtney might just be the right thing. I’m going to need somebody when I finally ditch Russell. But I gotta work this plan just right.

Cut to Russell and Parvati sharing the stunning JT development with Danielle and Jerri. (Danielle: “Oh shut UP!”) Everyone has a nice chuckle over it, then Parvati slyly starts trying to turn the vote away from Courtney and toward Sandra. And it seems to be working. But you never know on this show.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff brings in The Jury, which at this point is just Coach. He’s wearing some lame kimono thing. Seriously, when is someone going to sit down with this man and explain to him that he is NOT a Ginsu Warrior just because he bought the knife set 20 years ago? Geez.

Jeff’s first question is directed toward Sanda. How important is trust? Sandra, a little rattled, comes back with, “Great, Jeff. We all know that the person who gets the trust question is the one who’s in trouble.” Good point.

Danielle jumps in, saying that she doesn’t care for Sandra because Sandra runs around telling people things. (Jeff: Uh, Danielle, the question was about trust, not about who has a big mouth.) Then Danielle and Sandra get into a medium-level catfight, where Sandra competently holds her own, basically telling it like it is, and Danielle increasingly shoves her foot further in her mouth. Interesting.

Russell jumps in, because the camera has been on someone else for longer than 15 seconds and he can’t stand that. “Look at me, Parvati and Danielle. We’re still here and THAT’S what trust will do for you.” I think you’ve got that a little bit backwards, Russ. The three of you are still here because the people in the other alliance DIDN’T trust themselves. And that’s a little different.

Then Courtney and Jerri get into it, mainly because Jerri lies that she was never in an alliance until she joined with Russell. Courtney: Really? Go back and look at how you voted, Hair Club for Women. “You flipped just in time to save your butt. I didn’t”

And she’s right. Final results: one vote for Jerri (that would be Courtney), and everybody else, including Sandra, votes for Courtney. The Flagpole, on her way out: “Good luck, bitches.”

Jeff makes a final announcement. As of tomorrow, Parvati will also hit the 100-day mark in Survivor. The camera shows a grinning Parvati as she wiggles around in self-satisfaction.

But hey, Parv, what happened to keeping Courtney? The merge has got to be just seconds away. You might regret sending Courtney home.

Then again, the real wildcard if the merge happens soon?

Sandra.

#121 - “United States of Tara” - Season 2, Episode 4

We start out with Max at the Hubbard House, where he is clearly riled up and sledge-hammering away at an innocent wall that is just standing there and minding it’s own business. Tara wanders in, and they have a nice shouting match as they review the surprising events at the ice-skating rink, where the family learned that Tara has been transitioning again and managed to pick up a clingy girlfriend during all the festivities. Max is not pleased with Tara’s lame excuses. “You LIED to me!”

Amazingly, all this yelling and bitterness has somehow triggered their libidos, because they suddenly both get very horny. They race out to the backyard and go at it right there on the grass. Well, then. Can’t really say that discovering falsehoods and infidelity in my partner would cause me to desire beasty sex, but I don’t get out much these days, maybe it’s the new thing.

A bit later, Tara strolls into her kitchen, where we find Kate also in a foul mood, though she’s taking her anger out by killing ants rather than walls. She is not impressed with Tara at all, and makes this very clear as she yells at her mother. Kate finally stomps off, but not before letting fly with “You have grass all over your back.” Oops.

This line is apparently Charmaine’s cue to come wandering in, which she does, and then she proceeds to babble nothingness about her upcoming wedding that I already don’t care about. This goes on for a bit, until Charmaine informs Tara of an interesting thing she discovered about her bedroom window. It gives her a perfect view of the Hubbard backyard.

Poor Tara. One quick round of makeup sex and the entire neighborhood knows about it before she’s even caught her breath.

Next we have Tara visiting The Gays at their house, where she fesses up that “she and Max” are having a rough spot and she’d like to find a good therapist. (No real mention of things like alternate personalities, perpetually waking up in the beds of strangers, and desperate women proclaiming their love for you during skating matinees at the local rink.) Do you have any suggestions?

Of course they do, they’re gay and have this social networking thing down. Seems the two of them required counseling during a certain period of “erectile dysfunction” (how nice of you to share, that’s very sweet) and they met a fabulous doctor in New York. You need to call her immediately. Until you can get to a phone, here’s one of her famous books to help you pass the time. “And don’t crack the spine!”

Back over to the Hubbard House, with Max still tearing stuff up, but this time only because it needs to be done for the remodeling and not because of burning anger at Tara or spontaneous horniness. Marsh strolls in and wants to talk, but first Max tells him he needs to do the “Billy Jack” thing. This apparently means quoting the movie and then kicking down a divider wall.

I don’t know why that bit of mess was even necessary. I think it was supposed to be some kind of quirky male bonding, but it just looked destructive and pointless. I don’t really remember the scene from the movie, so maybe I’m just missing something. Then again, I was roughly six years old when I watched the movie. I’m pretty sure my interests at the time involved Big Wheels and G.I. Joe’s, not world cinema.

Anyway, Marshall is a little sad about Mom. “I guess Buck’s out.” Yep, Buck’s out. (And so, apparently, is Pammy, but we’ll save the pride stories for later.) But hey, Dad, ponders Marshall, what happened with that Sully guy? Max proudly explains that he beat the crap out of him. Marshall: “Does Mom know?” Max’s beaming smile fades. Of course not. If she knows I have anger management issues, then I can’t pretend to be saintly and noble like in my character description.

Now we’re at Stoner Lynda’s house, where she’s pretending to paint a portrait of Kate, who’s dressed up as a Supergirl character. They have another meaningless discussion where the only thing we learn is that “Barbie doesn’t have any holes.”

Hubbard House again, this time it’s just Tara, looking for Max. He’s not around. But that creepy office room that fascinates Tara is still there. So she goes in there, piddles around a bit, then touches the old-timey phone on the desk. The music swells a little, so we know that the phone is evil.

Zip over to Marshall’s room, where he and Courtney are standing at the foot of his bed. They’ve both wrangled a pass from school (his excuse is an orthodontist appointment, her excuse is explosive diarrhea, in case you’re keeping notes). They’ve decided to consummate their pathetic relationship. Courtney upends her purse and we see that it contained hundreds of condoms. Great. Not only is she boring and overly clinical, but she’s a hoarder as well. Nice catch, Marshall.

Back to Stoner Central, where Lynda is rattling on about the philosophy of the character that Kate is pretending to be for the painting. (“She’s a SUBject, not an OBject.” Whatever.) Then Lynda has an inspiration. Let’s make a MOVIE about the character!

Um, exactly WHAT is this subplot all about? Are we actually building to some type of reveal, or are the writers just including scenes with stoners so they can ensure the food services table is cleared by the end of the shooting day?

Tara is still in the creepy Hubbard office, poised on a dusty couch and reading aloud from the self-help book and trying to not crack the spine. I’m sure the words were very deep, but I was too busy scribbling notes to catch the detail. Then Tara gets up and starts playing with the evil phone. Suddenly, she has a flashback. We’re in a foyer of some kind, it’s raining outside, and little Tara and little Charmaine are being scolded by some woman that we can’t really see, but sure looks like “Alice” from the waist down.

Suddenly a phone rings in the foyer, and it looks just like the one on the Hubbard desk. OMG! (See, I TOLD you that phone had Satan written all over it.) This is just like “The Ring” except it’s totally different. Then the flashback is over and we’re back in the present. Tara reaches down and starts dialing the old phone, but doesn’t bother to pick up the receiver. Uh oh.

We’re back in Marshall’s room, post-coital. Apparently things were a disaster, because this couple looks like the saddest two people on the planet. Maybe this straight thing isn’t working out for Marshall? (Then again, if he was really serious about the experiment, perhaps he should have chosen to sleep with someone other than Jane Hathaway.)

Max rolls up in his truck at home, and Tara comes racing out of the house. She’s really excited because she finally got help, she found somebody. Then she goes on about the self-help book she is waving around. Max is not impressed. “A BOOK is not help.” But there’s more. Tara called the author in New York, they hit it off, and they are going to start phone therapy right away. Hurray!

Right then, Max gets a call from Kate. Car won’t start. Okay, be right there.

So Max and Tara make the trek to Lynda’s House of Wafting Smoke. They pull up outside and clamor out of the truck, with Tara making a comment about how bad it stinks around here so that we can remember it’s a bad part of town. The garage door rolls up a bit, and Kate rolls out, still in her Supergirl outfit and feeling mighty fine.

While Kate and Max pretend to fiddle with the malfunctioning car, Tara ducks under the garage door and enters Cannabis Central. While she’s staring at the interesting surroundings, especially a giant, old neon sign spelling out “Electroless Copper” (the camera lingers for a LONG time, so we’re really supposed to notice this), Lynda floats out and starts chatting with Tara.

It’s an odd chat, with Lynda asking things like “What do you REALLY wanna know?”, as if she’s got the secrets of the universe in her hash pipe. Then they just stare at each other for a while. Are they making a cosmic connection? Or is it just that one of them is stoned and the other one is distracted by people who wear dresses with no discernable seams?

Max sticks his head under the door. “Ready to go?”

Back at the Hubbard House (do these people ever bother going to their own home anymore?), where Max is TRYING to ground Kate or something for making friends and taking drugs. Kate is not interested and doesn’t care, although it’s kind of hard to take her seriously, standing there in her Supergirl Underoos and all.

Then Charmaine clatters in, dragging her boyfriend with the big teeth (Nick? Rick? Crest?). She has an announcement. She’s in the midst of taking a deep breath when Nick blurts out “We’re pregnant!” (Okay, never cared for that line, there is no WE in pregnancy after the first ten minutes. The remaining 9 months only have one name on the call sheet, ya dig?) Anyway, Big Teeth has ruined everything for Charmaine. “The moment’s gone.”

Nick: “So sorry. Hey, Max, can we buy this place from you?” All Charmaine talks about is raising a child right next door to her sister’s family. Is that Hallmark cool or what?

A bit later, while Charmaine and Tara are wandering around the Hubbard house as Char picks out the baby’s room, Tara tries to get the scoop on the pregnancy angle. “I thought you were re-virginating?” Charmaine blows that off and tries to figure out where the changing table can go. Suddenly, Tara has another flash, back to that same distant foyer, but this time she and Charmaine are prancing around and laughing. Then Tara snaps back and turns to Charmaine. “You’re gonna be a great mother.”

Because she knows how to skip?

Elsewhere, Max and Marshall are doing something or other in the Hubbard House, and bantering back and forth. Max: I’m gonna run get us something to eat. Oh hey, how’s that Courtney thing going? Marshall: I’m gay. Max: Good. So you want anything? Marshall: Sure. I’ll come with. And I think you should tell Mom about the guy you beat up.

Later that night, Max crawls into bed with Tara.

Max: “Marshall came out to me tonight.”

Tara: “How’d that make you feel.”

Max: “It gave me hope.”

What a remarkable answer.

Max flips off the light. Oh, there’s something else. “I did a bad, bad thing.”

Next day, Max is entering the Hubbard House, lugging even more construction supplies, when he realizes he can hear a strange voice coming from the office. He throws open the door.

Tara is sitting on the desk, possibly talking on the phone, not sure. And she’s decked out in some kind of hippie, New York, Jewish, something combo. She turns toward Max. Only it’s not Tara. And she doesn’t know who Max is.

“Can I help you?”

We have a new alter.