#132 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 3

We start out at Sookie’s house, where a naughty little werewolf is racing toward Sookie, intent on doing some really intensive cosmetic surgery. Sookie, because she’s been trained in the military while we weren’t looking, uses her cute little gun to expertly fire a bullet at Lassie Gone Bad.

Suddenly, we go into slow-mo, because somebody on the film crew has watched “The Matrix” too many times, and we see Eric doing some odd ballet move as he throws himself in front of the werewolf and takes the bullet. (Some people will do anything to keep the camera on them.) Turns out Eric wants to keep the werewolf alive so they can try to get some information out of him. Me personally, I’d just kill the werewolf and then go online if I still needed some answers.

So Eric and the werewolf tussle a bit, during which time the werewolf transitions back to his human form, and we learn that he’s an ugly redneck who has never watched the Fashion Channel. And of course he’s naked, flopping all over the place so we can almost see his tackle. Are they serious with this? I don’t recall watching “Deliverance” and going, boy, I sure would like to see some of those toothless, no-indoor-plumbing people rolling around nekkid on my kitchen tile.

As Eric and Cletus play squat tag, Sookie, dancing around so she doesn’t get any blood on her pretty white Merlotte’s t-shirt, available for only $19.95, can hear some of the redneck’s thoughts, but things are scrambled and she really only hears the name “Jackson”. Interesting. Then Eric spies that “Nazi werewolf” symbol on one of Cletus’ body parts, and he changes his plans, ripping out the redneck’s neck in a nice display of Vampires Gone Wild.

Roll opening credits. Ugly people. Exuberance in church. Dangerous night-time baptisms.

Cut to the Captain’s house, that upper management vampire whose role I still don’t quite understand, where they are putting out the flames on a crispy but still very much alive Lorena. (The Captain’s whiny boyfriend, Talbot, is dismayed that they used some expensive tapestry thing to snuff Lorena’s fire. I think I’m already tired of him.) Then the Captain makes a mystifying speech about how they do things differently in Mississippi. Never plan to go there, but duly noted.

Then it’s just Captain and Te-Bill, with the Captain wanting to know just “how much do you love that human of yours?” Bill looks all anguished about the trials of loving a human and never being able to find the right toothbrush. The Captain suggests that Bill turn Sookie, just like the Captain turned Talbot, back in some unidentified century when they didn’t have wi-fi. Then the Captain touches Bill in an intimate way on his forehead and tells him to sleep on it. Based on the one-sided lust in the air, I’m thinking the Captain meant to say “sleep on ME.”

Quick scene with Sookie and Eric burying the redneck in a creepy graveyard. Eric is explaining that these special Nazi werewolves are really, really dangerous. I think that Sookie already understands this, having whipped out her cute gun and trying to kill Cletus before Eric decided to reenact scenes from “Billy Elliott”.

Then Sookie is babbling about the name “Jackson”, and Eric explains that it’s not a person but a place, as in Jackson, Mississippi. Oh. Sookie: “Do you think Bill’s there?” I have to go find him, I’ll leave tomorrow. Eric grimaces, because he wants Bill to stay far away, wherever that might be.

Cut to Tara and that new, vaguely British vampire who helped her beat up the racist yokels in the last episode. They’re having what appears to be some form of sex in a motel room. (I guess Tara is over Eggs, making it one of the shorter mourning periods.) We can’t quite see what he’s doing, but it’s making Tara’s eyelashes quiver in a somewhat unnerving way, so he must be doing something right. Then she begs him to bite her (girl, no!) but he refuses.

Next we’re at Sam’s newfound family’s house, where Daddy is pawing his crotch while sitting on the skanky couch with his son and watching TV. (I have no idea.) Nasty Daddy and his dirty underwear race off to find Trashy Momma, while Sam gets all huffy with brother Tommy about almost getting him killed when they were playing animal tag the other night. Trashy Momma wanders in, all aquiver, hoping Sam is going to move in with them or something.

Nope, Sam tells them he just came to say goodbye. Mom gets all boisterous, barking at Nasty Daddy to go pour out his beer, and then explaining to Sam “We ain’t alcoholics!” Honey, first off, that’s a lie, and second, that’s the least of your troubles. Do you even HAVE soap in that house? Running water?

Quick scene with Jason and Hoyt, where Jason is all gung ho about joining the police force after having tackled a drug dealer in the last episode. Because I’m sure that’s one of the questions on the application form. Can you tackle? Circle yes or no.

Back to the hotel where Tara and the new vampire are basking in the afterglow. We learn that his name is “Franklin”. She won’t reveal her name. Then Tara has one of those out-of-nowhere mood swings and she decides to get dressed and run to the mall or something.

Now we’re at Fangtasia (which I believe I called Fangoria in the last review, my bad) where Pam is… looking for buried treasure with some pole dancer/waitress/tramp. Mid-slurp, Pam gets a call from Jessica, who is all distraught that the dead body in the basement is missing. Well, then, Pam explains. Your problem is solved. Bye.

Jason and Hoyt again, where Jason is trying to answer questions that might be on the police admissions test, and failing miserably. Bored, Hoyt starts pining for Jessica. Jason, of all people, then proceeds to offer relationship advice while eating cold pizza and managing to touch his nipples at the same time.

Quick scene with Arlene at the obstetrician, where we learn that her pending bundle of joy is already 9 or 10 weeks old. This means that conception took place when she was… uh oh.

Back to Merlotte’s, where Tara gets a phone call from a Mike Spencer (do we know him?) saying that Egg’s funeral is taking place RIGHT NOW. Tara rips off her bartender apron and runs out the door, jogging down the street to the cemetery, because it’s a small town and you don’t really need a car.

Once there, Tara discovers that no one else has showed up for the funeral. This Mike guy explains that Sookie is the one who paid for the funeral, and right on cue Sookie wanders out of the woods where she has been hiding for no apparent reason. They bond and Sookie asks Tara to “come back home”, meaning Sookie’s house, where the deer and the werewolves play.

As the two hug each other and plan slumber parties, the camera pulls back to show a grave reading “Thomas Charles Compton, 1862-1868”. Wait, who is that?

Conveniently, the producers insert a flashback to 1868, where Bill wanders up to his house and plays with an odd sponge on the porch. Some woman throws open the door, brandishing a shotgun. It’s Bill’s wife, Caroline. She’s a little confused, it’s been “three years since the war ended”. Where has he been? Maybe he couldn’t find a taxi?

She invites him in, and there’s some sadness, as we learn that “Thomas Charles” is Bill’s son, who just happened to die of “the pox” roughly 13 minutes ago. Bill cries the freaky blood tears, which causes the wife to overreact and threaten to kill him with her trusty shotgun. She really needs to settle down and quit being so fussy.

But she’s a nervous type, so she shoots him, getting blood all over the nice crown molding. Of course, when he almost instantly heals, Caroline assumes the worst and starts running and screaming, because that solves everything. Lo and behold, Caroline runs around a corner and into the comforting arms of Lorena, who is always up in everybody else’s grill.

Caroline, knowing that her screen time is limited because she didn’t appear in the opening credits, really goes to town with the freaking out and the overly-dramatic response to mundane situations. She begs Bill to kill her because she’s uncomfortable with relatives who have cold skin. Bill actually starts to bite her, but Lorena stops him.

Quick scene with Jason taking the police admissions test, but suddenly the questions turn into hieroglyphics and the sheriff has a bullet hole in his head. Then everybody in the room has bullet holes and Jason has lost his pants at some point. No idea.

Cut to Jason and Lafayette doing their road crew thing, babbling about inconsequential matters, when suddenly Hoyt, who is doing something pointless in a ditch, starts bellowing. He just found a body with no head. It’s Bon Temps, people settle down. These things happen.

Sookie is cleaning up yet another bloody carpet in her house, when some guy comes up behind her. They scuffle a bit, then decide to be civil. His name is “LC”, which of course made me think of the cow, and I lost my focus for a bit. But apparently he’s a werewolf, not the Nazi kind, and Eric sent him to watch over her. Really?

Over to Merlotte’s, where Sam’s newfound family, in all their skankiness, come clattering in the door. Sam: “I thought we agreed to take some time.” Trashy Mom: “Don’t you want to see us?” This has bad news written all over it. But at least Nasty Daddy managed to find some pants somewhere along the line. Maybe they belong to Jason?

Back to the headless body in the ditch, where the police have arrived and they are doing police things. For no apparent reason, the Sheriff from Newhart decides that he doesn’t want to play anymore, and he rips off his badge and such. Deputy Andy and Kenya look properly confused, while Hoyt is wondering if Jessica is ever going to text him again.

Sookie’s house again, where she and LC are chatting. He tests her mind-reading ability, and Sookie passes without breaking a sweat, natch. Then LC explains why he’s here, something about helping his Daddy out of debt and he made a deal with Eric. And oh, by the way, his Ex is playing slap and tickle with one of the Nazi werewolf leaders. These should be warning signs for Sookie, but her only reaction is to adjust her ponytail to ensure that she still looks cute and Southern.

Cut to Bill, shirtless and dreaming, back to 1868 again, with him still dealing with wife Caroline and her trembling and her tendency to wave a shotgun around. She’s still begging Bill to kill her, which is fine by me because she’s really getting on my nerves. Lorena, with her accent that shifts wildly all over the place, instructs Bill to make her forget. So he does the glamour thing, which is the one vampire skill that I truly covet. I would love to mesmerize my manager, with a “yes, I worked every day next week”, and then hop on a plane to Bermuda.

We then see Bill and Lorena burying the young Thomas, with Lorena advising that “the only way you can show love for a human is to stay away.” Something tells me that this slogan will not be appearing on Hallmark bookmarks.

Back to the Captain’s house, where Nazi werewolf Cooter (still love that name, despite it being applied to a minor character) is whining about the fact that his plans to capture Sookie have gone awry. Lorena, in another of her many vaguely European hairstyles, says that Eric is the source of the problem. Then she turns her head just right so that the camera captures her best angle as she gazes off into the distance, plotting the death of any female who looks at Bill for longer than two seconds.

Speaking of, Bill then marches in, surprising everyone by proclaiming “I hereby renounce my fealty to Louisiana. I pledge my allegiance to Mississippi” or some such. The captain glows, looks with disdain at Talbot and his mutterings about ruined tapestries, and sighs contentedly.

Captain: “We don’t need the girl after all.” (This would be Sookie.)

Lorena scrunches her face and stomps her ancient foot. She mad.

Quick scene at Merlotte’s, with Tara and Jason trying to bond, but then he freaks about his true involvement with Eggs’ death, sees bullet holes in people that don’t really have them, and then runs out the door, hoping that the writers give him something else to worry about in the next episode.

Lafayette’s house, where he hears a car honking outside, and he and his flamboyant accessories go to investigate. It’s Eric, sporting lipstick and eyeliner because the makeup crew got confused, and offering the very nice car he is driving as a gift to Laff. Something about Laff being the best salesman of vampire blood. When Laff hesitates, Eric makes a comment about the “strange, plywood hut you live in” and whether or not Lafayette is serious about moving on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. Laff and his accessories say they’ll think about it.

Over to Merlotte’s, where anxious Arlene and befuddled Terry are conversing about things. Arlene: “I got me a baby comin’.” Terry is thrilled, hugging Arlene and wailing “Thank you!” Um, does he not understand the dynamics of procreation? You actually have to sleep with someone before you can possibly claim the tax deduction that squirts out. Do they not have any textbooks in this part of Lousiana? Do these people get to vote?

Cut to Sam’s Nasty Daddy carrying a tray of shots to a booth where Trashy Momma and Brooding Brother Tommy are sitting. When Daddy proffers the shots to Tommy, Sam intervenes. Brother Boy is underage, can’t be havin’ that. Drunk Nasty Daddy gets an attitude about it, harsh words are exchanged, and Trashy Momma finally orders her kin to leave. Except for Sam, ‘cause he owns the bar and all and is way cuter.

Bill’s house, with clueless Jessica wandering around batting her surprisingly large eyelashes. There’s a knock on the door. It’s Franklin, the new vampire, and he has some questions. “Has anyone gone missing lately?” I guess Jessica didn’t read the script, because she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. So Franklin pulls something out of a cute designer bag he carried in. It’s the head of that guy Jessica inadvertently killed, threw in the cellar, and then was troubled when the body went AWOL.

Franklin smirks. “I help you, you help me. Now tell me everything you know about Bill Compton.” This doesn’t look good. I knew Franklin was trouble when he made Tara’s eyelashes flutter in an annoying way.

Quick scene with Jason, where he wanders into his apartment, picks up the application form for the police department, and then burns it. I guess this is supposed to be the sad end to a dream, but he’s only had this dream for about forty minutes. I think he’ll get over it. There are other opportunities for Jason, like the adult film industry where he can choose a screen name like “Throb Wonderbull” or “Rod Canyon”. He’ll be fine.

Sam’s house, which is apparently right behind Merlotte’s. He awakens to the noise of somebody doing something in the restaurant, so he runs in there with a gun and such. After several shots of him posing dramatically with his weapon, pointing it at things that aren’t really there, he makes his way to his office. The office is a mess, indicating clandestine searching, and a bird flies out the window. Probably brother Tommy. This is confirmed when Sam finds abandoned clothing on the floor. You just can’t trust relatives who can transition.

Sookie and LC traipse into some leather bar named “Lupines”, where all the Jackson werewolves hang out. (Imagine that.) Sookie glances around and realizes there may have been a fashion faux pas. “Am I not dressed properly?” The bouncer at the door responds with “You look like dinner.” Great. Things could go awry very quickly. This always happens when people wear leather.

Sookie and LC split up, trying to find clues about what might be going on in a bar where people wear dead cow skin. Sookie, naturally, immediately finds a suspicious person when she reads his mind and realizes he’s one of the hillbillies that kidnapped Bill. As anyone would, she agrees to follow this guy to a darkened back room where people can’t protect her. Once there, of course he tries to rudely violate her, and LC runs in to save the day.

There’s a nicely choreographed fight, with the hillbilly and his suddenly-interested buddies walloping LC, until the bouncer guy intervenes and makes people play nice. Once folks are separated, the bouncer lets LC know that his ex-girlfriend is getting married to somebody named “Cody” or something like that. I have no idea who Cody is, or if I even got the name right, but LC looks tragic and place, so it’s probably not good.

Sookie’s house again, with Tara flitting about, and Franklin the new vampire shows up. He wants to come in, Tara initially won’t let him, but then there’s more of the glamour thing and suddenly Tara is the most welcoming hostess in the South.

Over to the Captain’s house, with Bill in his guest room, slamming things about and not very happy. Lorena appears, because she always does so when nobody wants her to, and she accuses Bill of faking his allegiance to the Captain. (This is no great logic leap, so Lorena is not all THAT, but anyway.)

Bill gets very agitated, yelling at Lorena that “You have deprived me of my humanity again. I will NEVER love you! NEVER!”

And then they jump on his bed and start having beasty sex, which is not exactly what I would have expected. Then again, I’m not undead, and probably didn’t get all the procedural emails. In the midst of the violent boudoir physicality, Bill grabs Lorena by the neck, and twists her head around to face the floor. (That’s a neat trick.) While blood gushes out of her mouth, Lorena proclaims “I still love you!”

End credits roll.

I can never watch “The Exorcist” again. Seriously.

#131 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 2

We hit the ground running, with Bill in the midst of the mean ole werewolves that can’t just leave people alone and let them walk around in the dark. Bill goes all vamp on them, and naturally the wolfies get the bad end of the stick, some of them dying and all. Interestingly enough, this altercation causes the werewolves to transition back to naked men, which could have been mildly intriguing if they weren’t in pieces all over the place.

Suddenly, this guy, dressed in what I guess you would call fox-hunting gear, rides up on a white horse. Bill gets all squirmy and calls him “Your Majesty.” Really? So we have yet another member in the complex web of vampire royalty that we need to keep track of, and I’m not sure that I have the strength. I don’t catch his name, so we’ll just call him Captain.

Captain is not really impressed with one of the surviving werewolves, whose name is Cooter. (THAT alone is worth a blog entry.) Captain is not pleased with how the hillbilly werewolves have treated Bill. “You DRANK from my guest?” (How does someone who has been kidnapped from a fancy French restaurant become a “guest”?)

Then Captain invites/orders Bill to “join me at my home”, and they both ride the white horse off into the moonset.

Opening credits roll. More shots of toothless poor people and bare breasts.

Cut to Tara still locked in the bathroom, grabbing and swallowing every pill she can find. Lafayette, in his Gloria Swanson headdress, bangs on the door for a while to heighten the tension, then finally breaks in and makes Tara throw up in the toilet, because that’s attractive to watch. Crazy Tara Momma wanders in and starts spouting religious things, so Laff bitch-slaps her out of the way. “You have failed this girl for the last time.” Then he snatches up Tara and they race out of the house.

Now we have Sookie and Jessica at Fangoria, where they are babbling to Eric about the “Nazi werewolf symbol” they found on the dead guy in Bill’s car. Eric wants to say something, but not with Jessica in the room, possibly because she has red hair. (Pam to Jessica: “Let’s go in the ladies’ room and stare at ourselves in the mirror.”) Once they shuffle off, Eric gives Sookie a quick history lesson on vampires, then claims he doesn’t know anything about this new batch. Of course we know he’s lying.

Quick scene in the ladies’ room, where Jessica is grilling a very bored Pam, trying to get tips on vampire feeding and what to do with the dead bodies. Poor Jessica. Home-schooling is not always what it’s cracked up to be, especially when there hasn’t been a single class.

Back to Sookie and Eric in the main Fangoria room, with Sookie all trembly and saying things like “Bill’s out there!” and “He’s everything to me.” Eric is not especially impressed with this, since he really wants Bill out of the way so he can have him some Sookie Pie. But then Sookie starts crying, which causes Eric to sigh as well as have a flashback.

It’s somewhere in Germany, 1945. We’re in the middle of some war battle, and the set piece is some farmhouse. While some soldier type is banging around looking for people, I keep thinking this farmhouse looks just like the farmhouse in a pivotal episode of “Harsh Realm”, an intriguing series that was quickly cancelled because it was too smart. That’s probably not the point. Anyway, this naked woman in a closet suddenly turns into a werewolf.

This causes Eric and the still-alive but technically kinda dead Godric to teleport in, using some vampire form of travel that has yet to be discussed. They attack the werewolf chick until she transitions back to her naked self and quivers against a wall, where we see that she is sporting that Nazi werewolf symbol. This is getting deep.

Cut to Captain and Tenille, I mean Bill, arriving at a very nice mansion where they probably have servants. Once they enter, some queen named Talbot makes a grand entrance on a curving staircase. They quickly whisk Bill up to some room that has been prepared for him, with Talbot telling Captain that the “business talk” can come later. What the hell? It’s like “Gone with the Wind”, only not at all.

Tara and Lafayette are in his car, racing to the hospital, when Tara makes him pull over. She can’t go to the hospital, because people are going to ask questions, and she’ll have to talk about Mary Ann and entire towns having orgies on the lanai. This is not going to get her any sanity points. Laff is all supportive, and it’s very tender. Then he tells her there’s “something you need to see”. Did the new “Dream Girls” soundtrack come in?

Sookie and Jessica arrive on Bill’s porch, and we see Hoyt huddled in the background. (Sookie to Jessica: “Be gentle.” Then she runs away for a costume change.) Hoyt is his normal sweet self. “We can fight our natures together.” But Jessica is still troubled about this vampire in love with a human thing, probably because she hasn’t seen “The Jeffersons” where it was made perfectly clear that interracial marriages were just fine. She runs in the house and slams the door. Hoyt cries and then kicks the stupid door. Jessica runs to the cellar and sleeps with the ripe body that is still there. The things we do for love.

Sookie arrives at her house, where she proceeds to kick Jason in the groin until she realizes who he is. Then they start cleaning the house while she babbles about Bill, doing a spot-on imitation of him saying her name. I’m going to assume that she picked up this skill because she’s married to Bill in real life, and there has been plenty of time to practice.

Sam is in his car, innocently taking a nap, when a shotgun is suddenly shoved in the window. The rude interloper is Tommy, and he makes Sam stumble into his trashy house, where we get to meet his nasty parents, who are sweaty and wearing night-night clothes, and also happen to be SAM’s parents. Heyyy. It’s a mother and child reunion.

Sookie, in her ugly yellow car, arrives at Merlotte’s, ready for her next shift, but she happens to spy an odd person standing in the woods. (An odd person in this town? Go figure.) The man thing utters “let’s make a deal”, but something tells me Sookie is not going to win a prize if she has a paperclip in her purse. Terry comes wandering up, because it’s only fair that he gets to be in scenes too, and they race off into the woods after the man thing decides that he would rather be somewhere else.

As they tramp through the swamp forest, Terry spies a footprint in the dirt and announces “Motorcycle boot. Size 10.” Has he been watching “CSI”? Then the tracks just suddenly stop, which causes Sookie to break down and tell Terry all about werewolves. Terry’s been working at Merlotte’s for a while, so he completely believes her.

Lafayette and Tara arrive at some mental institution, which causes Tara to get very dramatic and claim that people can’t commit her against her will. Laff tells her to shut the hell up, and then they meet the real reason for the visit, which turns out to be Laff’s insane mother. (Did anybody in this place have a happy childhood? And is that Alfre Woodard playing Laff Momma?) She mean, talking about God killing everybody.

Quick scene with Deputy Andy giving a press conference for no apparent reason, but he quickly runs off the stage when Jason shows up, leaving the Sheriff from Newhart to take over. Jason in a hushed sidebar scene with Andy: “We gotta make it right about Eggs!” (And no, this is not about some type of poultry abuse.)

Back over to Merlotte’s, where Sookie is explaining to Terry that he can’t say anything about the werewolf they spotted and lost. “It’s my one shot to find Bill.” Arlene parades through during the conversation, being really bitchy and rude. Once she’s gone, Terry hands Sookie a gun, because weapons are always a good thing with over-excited people. “I’d miss you if you got killed.” Aww. Backwoods sentimental expressions are so CUTE.

Once more to the trashy home in Magnolia, Arkansas, where people only wear limp underwear and abandonment is a central theme, as Sam listens to his Momma explain what happened. We have a long scene involving adoption decisions and bitterness, as well as disappointment over people not explaining the concept of “shifting”.

Over to the mental place (this is getting really busy) where we learn that Lafayette is working two jobs (plus that drug-dispensing bit) to pay for his momma to have a nice place to sit while she has delusions. Laff to Tara: “We can SURVIVE this.” Aww, Part 2. But really, girl, get rid of that nappy headdress.

Cut to Sam and his newfound brother Tommy pretending to work on a car in the yard of his sweaty parents house, trying to one-up one another on who had the worse life. For no apparent reason, they decide to transition to their animal selves and “go for a run”. Because this is “True Blood”, this means that they have to rip off their clothes first. We get a glimpse of the brother’s back, where he has a scar or a tattoo or something that matches the Nazi werewolf symbol. Oh?

Quick scene with Jessica on the phone, arranging to rent a chainsaw while she sprays Lysol all over Bill’s now-smelly house, what with the decaying body in the crappy basement. She then steals some cash out of her victim’s wallet, because really, he doesn’t need that now, right? There are so many moral decisions when you’re undead.

Back over to the Captain’s foo-foo house where they have tons of servants who seem very dissatisfied and have large teeth. The Captain is explaining to Bill that he wants to make Bill a sheriff over one of the districts. Because I don’t really understand the vampire hierarchy, I’m not sure what this means, but Bill does not seem to be impressed. Probably because that irritating queen Talbot is still fluttering about, and that would distract anybody. Oh, and the Captain wants to marry Bill’s vampire queen.

These people are just too busy.

Merlotte’s again, where the bar crowd is watching Andy on TV doing that press conference thing. They seem appreciative and clap in that “we love everybody” way that happens when rounds of shots are ordered. Jason, obviously not someone who would turn down one of those shots, hunkers down with Andy in a booth. Jason really, really, really wants to tell the truth about what happened to Eggs. Andy tries to change the subject by telling Jason that he is “prettier than most girls”. No idea where this is going.

Now we have Sam and his new, possibly suspect brother, running along as doggies and enjoying the open air while banjo music plays, because who doesn’t think “backwoods” without also thinking “banjo” or “fried intestines”? As they cross a road, a truck zips out of nowhere and almost kills them, with Sam transitioning back to his naked human self while his brother turns into a bird and flies off to find a Native American who can cry because people litter. This is really getting deep.

Next, I think we’re at Bill’s house, but I’m not completely certain. We see somebody’s cowboy boots scuffling along, then this person enters what looks like a home office, and he/she proceeds to rifle through things. We see a Stackhouse family tree, with Sookie’s name circled in an alarming way, as well as pictures of Sookie. Gee, do you think somebody’s stalking Sookie?

Cut to Sookie’s house, where she’s holding a gun, because she’s so stable. Eric arrives, not looking as pale as he usually does, so you know something’s up. He tells Sookie that he lied to her, then he has another flashback to that Germany thing. He and Godric are torturing the odd, naked woman who is not being cooperative but clearly has bouncing breasts. When quizzed, Dolly Parton tells the two that her master is “one of them”. Really?

Back to Sookie’s house, where she and Eric are still on the porch and pretending that one of them doesn’t have sexual desires. Eric explains that the Nazi werewolf sign is actually a Runic symbol (which I suppose should mean something to me) and that “these are not ordinary werewolves”. (Explain to me the concept of “ordinary” when it comes to werewolves. Can I buy a vowel?) Eric: “Invite me in for protection. And maybe some beasty sex.” Sookie: “I’m still Bill’s”.

Again with the Captain’s foo-foo masnsion, where Talbot the queen is being chastised by the Captain for not regulating his speech. (“We don’t need to say everything we think.”) The Captain is explaining to Bill that he is being wasted in Bon Temps, that he really needs to be a sheriff. Bill: “I’m not the vampire you are looking for.” This response does not please the Captain, so he threatens Sookie’s life. Bill, equally dissatisfied, takes offense. Fangs are bared, and Talbot becomes aware that perhaps there will be no need for the dessert course.

Over to Merlotte’s, where Tara and Lafayette show up because Laff needs to work so he can pay for Crazy Momma’s bed and breakfast. We switch to a very-pale Arleen emerging from the bathroom, with a concerned Terry making inquiries. “Are you sick?” Arlene lies that she is not, so Terry whips out a piece of paper and proceeds to discourse on the subject of “10 Reasons Why You Can Trust Me with Your Kids.”

Meanwhile, a strange man comes in and sits at the bar. Tara is sitting there all depressed and sad, so he starts talking to her because she looks like a barrel of laughs. We learn that he’s a vampire (on THIS show?) and he’s not necessarily a friend of Bill’s, but it’s kind of vague. What IS clear is that he’s wearing the cowboy boots we saw scootin through Bill’s house, marking him as a person you can’t trust with the silverware.

Speaking of Bill’s house, Jessica returns from wherever you rent chainsaws around here, lugging one with her. She opens the door to the nasty cellar, and she’s startled to discover that the body is gone. Poor girl, it’s just not her century.

Cut to Andy shoving a very drunk Jason into his squad car so he can take him some place to pass out. A call comes over the radio about some meth-lab bust that is going down, because this town doesn’t already have enough to worry about. Andy decides to drag Jason along when he responds. After all, what fun is a drug bust if somebody’s not drunk?

They arrive at the scene, and Officer Kenya (I think I called her Kendra in the last review, my bad) is not pleased with the impromptu deputizing of Jason. They make Jason stay in the car, because he’s cuter than they are, and they go off to smash test tubes and such. Jason gets bored, so he decides to stare off into the woods, where he spots a waif-like girl just standing there while her hair blows around even though there’s not any wind anywhere else.

This intrigues Jason, so he runs off to make friends with the forest creature. She doesn’t have anything to say, though, maybe because her hair keeps getting in her mouth. Suddenly, one of the bad guys breaks lose from the exciting meth-bust activities and runs toward Jason and Helen Keller. Jason, his high-school football instincts kicking in, tackles the bad guy to the ground. Has Jason found a new career, or does he just not like people who run in the dark?

Merlotte’s again, where sad Tara is sitting outside and swigging from a bottle of Wild Turkey, because people are always forgetting that alcohol is a depressant. Suddenly, two racist rednecks stumble out of the bar and start saying racist redneck things, then one of them, um, defiles the spot where Eggs died. Tara goes ballistic and tosses aside the bottle of Wild Turkey so she can kick some racist butt.

Of course, she only weighs 43 pounds, so she’s not really getting her point across at first. Then the mystery vampire with the Sookie-seeking cowboy boots shows up, and he helpfully holds one of the very-surprised rednecks while Tara wails away on him, showing impressive boxing skills that we didn’t know she had but always suspected.

Back to the foo-foo Captain house once again, where the discussion is getting a little boring because how many times can the Captain tell Bill he should be a sheriff? Thankfully, the monotony is broken by Lorena showing up in her own horse-riding outfit. (There must be a lot of foxes to hunt on this estate.) This inspires Bill to pick up an oil lamp and throw it at her with pleasing accuracy. She bursts into flames and starts screaming really loud, probably mad because she didn’t even get to try the pecan pie.

Sookie’s house, where she and Eric are still on the front porch, with him bartering to get invited inside so they can either play backgammon or have monkey sex, his real agenda is still not clear. Suddenly, Eric senses something coming and insists that Sookie invite him in RIGHT NOW. She does, there’s some shadowy scuffling, and next thing you know a werewolf is racing toward Sookie. She calmly whips out Terry’s gun and shoots.

Credits roll.

Then, to make sure that we remain confused and mystified, the episode is followed by a music video where Snoop Dogg is rapping a love song about Sookie. Not kidding. Happily, we had recorded this on the DVR, and it cuts off just as Snoop is really getting lusty about his intentions toward Sookie.

What the HELL?

“True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 1

Okay, we start with a review of the shenanigans from the last season. It’s really long, and I spend most of the time going “oh my GOD, I forgot about THAT”. (Come on, people, it’s been a year. Things fade.) We wrap it up with the scene in the fancy French restaurant where Bill was mysteriously abducted after proffering a ring to the startled Sookie, who suddenly had to pee. And here we go…

First new scene, we have Sam driving around in his truck, clutching the piece of paper with the names of the folks who live in Magnolia, Arkansas. I remember the piece of paper. I don’t remember what it means. First scene, and I’ve already lost the plot. Sorry, folks. I’m getting old.

Quick scene with Jason drinking excessively and having troubling flashbacks that are jumpy and not very clear. He’s anguished about something. Who knows. It’s Jason.

Another quick scene, with Tara sobbing over Egg’s body. She sad.

Cut to a car racing along some darkened highway (they NEVER have street lights on this show, what’s up with that?). The car is full of loud hillbillies and quiet Bill. Apparently the yokels are the ones who snatched Bill from the foo-foo dining establishment and ruined Sookie’s happy mood. The hillbillies are mean and stabby, poking at Bill with a knife and being very impolite.

Roll opening credits. They basically look like the same creepy credits we’re used to seeing, but I seem to detect some extra bare breasts this time around.

Back to the restaurant, where no one got to finish their dessert because people are rude. First we have a strange French girl making comments that vampires are irritating. Then Sookie gets interviewed by Kendra, the bit-player police woman that we only see in tiny scenes when the producers try to show the police force does not discriminate. For some reason, Kenya is being very flippant and doesn’t seem to be taking Sookie seriously.(Not sure what’s going on there. Is this actress just mad because she has a crappy part?) Meanwhile, the odd French girl watches the whole thing, smoking cigarettes and conveying boredom and nonchalance.

Cut to Merlotte’s, where Tara is still crying about Eggs and Arlene is babbling away about some kind of nonsense. Terry strolls in, and consoles Deputy Andy about having to shoot Eggs. (Which is not true. Well, the “Andy shooting Eggs” part is not. The consoling, probably real.) They bond over what it’s like to kill someone. At this point, everyone in town should belong to this support group.

Suddenly, Arlene and Tara get into it, for no apparent reason other than women screaming at each other seems to satisfy a certain marketing demographic. At least Arlene gets to utter a very nice line to Tara: “I’m sorry you fell in love with a serial killer. But who here hasn’t?”

Now we have Jessica at Bill’s house, where Jess is all aquiver about the guy she’s almost killed in a moment of frenzied blood lust. What to do? Then Sookie races in, because everything’s all about her, right? Sookie tells Jessica that Bill is missing, whisked away to parts unknown. Then Sookie trembles uncertainly for a bit, because sexy vulnerability is on her resume, then she leaves.

Jessica returns to her poor little victim that she’s hidden in what is a really crappy cellar for such a nice house. “Whatever your name is, wake up!” He doesn’t cooperate, so Jessica decides to feed him some of her blood, because that’s always a good thing.

Another scene with the hillbillies and Bill in the car, where things are getting decidedly kinky as the billies feed off of Bill. We have erotic nipple touching and males sharing blood via the mouth. It’s clear that the True Blood producers are not shying away from the “vampire porn” thing. Bill, amidst all the odd hanky panky, announces that if the hillbillies don’t stop draining him, he’s going to die.

He’s not going to die. He’s one of the stars. I’m not worried. I open another beer.

Cut to Jason’s place, where he’s still freaked out about everything that’s happened, and wondering when his next opportunity to take of his shirt might be. Deputy Andy shows up, explains that he told everybody that it was HIM that shot Eggs, and not Jason. But “we gotta keep our stories straight.” Andy then instructs Jason to go out and get some booty, because that’s what a non-guilty Jason would do. Jason grabs some lube, a towel or two, and heads out the door.

Over to Fangoria, the vampire bar, where Sookie stomps in looking for Bill and confronts Pam, the haughty vampiress whose standing in the vampire hierarchy is somewhat in question, but she always wears interesting shoes. When Pam semi-flirts with Sookie instead of paying attention, Sookie cuts her off with “I’m in no mood for lesbian weirdness tonight.” Where’s Eric?

Turns out, he’s down in the basement having that flickering, fast motion sex with a delirious and sweaty woman hanging from ropes and a metal bar in a twisted gymnastics routine that has gone terribly wrong. When Sookie approaches him, Eric prances around in the nude and makes comments about how he can last for six hours. This is somewhat erotic, so Sookie is distracted for a bit, but then she re-focuses. “Where’s Lorena?” She might have something to do with Bill’s abrupt departure from the engagement festivities. Eric says he’ll handle it. “I’m the sheriff.”

As Sookie traipses back up the basement stairs, she reminds Eric that he owes her ten thousand dollars. I don’t remember this, or why. Does this make me shallow?

Hillbillies in the car once again, where they are really partying hard. Bill gets bored with this and decides to kill the driver, causing the car to plummet off a convenient cliff and just about everybody dies, except for Bill. (He’s the star, natch.) Bill struggles out of the wreckage and sends a signal to Jessica.

Jessica gets the signal, but doesn’t really understand what it is, so she goes back to freaking out over the nearly-dead guy she attacked when “playing doctor” got a little bit out of hand.

Cut to Tara and Lafayette in some house. Might be Tara’s, might be Lafayette’s, who knows. We have tacky décor, that’s all we can be certain about. Sookie shows up, because apparently she’s determined to be in every scene in this episode. She fesses up to Tara that Eggs came to her, wanting to know what he had done while under the influence of creepy Mary Ann, and Sookie helped him “remember”. This sets Tara off and she bitch slaps Sookie around for a bit until Lafayette intervenes before any of the classy furnishings are destroyed.

Back to Fangoria, where Eric is really unhappy with someone on his cell phone. He yells a bit and doesn’t even bother to say goodbye when he disconnects, so you know somebody somewhere is going to die. Pammy tells him that he’s losing it, and he really needs to call the Queen. (The red-haired vampire with the fancy house full of vapid models sitting around.) Eric explains that he is not going to tell the Queen that the one person who can spill the tea on the Queen selling V is suddenly missing. Pammy runs out the door to go bury herself somewhere.

Now we have Sam in a motel, still clutching that piece of paper with the Magnolia people. He appears to be naked, since that seems to be one of the motifs in this episode, but the camera doesn’t go low enough to confirm. There’s a knock on the door, and it’s Bill, without a shirt. They converse a bit, then Bill decides to take a shower and pulls his pants off. Suddenly, it gets very sensual, with sweaty chests and comments about “hard water”. My gaydar goes into meltdown and I consider sending an extra check to HBO this month.

Then some stupid phone rings, and Sam wakes up in his hotel room, alone. Damn it. The scratchy-voiced woman on the phone informs Sam that these Magnolia people he’s looking for have a son. This bit of news causes Sam to leap out of bed, with teasing near-nakedness as he reaches for his jeans. I hate the chair that was in the way.

Quick scene with Hoyt and Jason, where they come to the conclusion that telling the truth only leads to dead bodies and unhappiness. Then Hoyt asks if he can crash at Jason’s place for a bit because, you know, he can’t go really go home again after telling his Momma to go to hell and stay there. (Does Hoyt not understand how many people have died in or around places where Jason sleeps?)

Cut back to Tara’s Place of Mourning, and it’s now clear that it’s Lafayette’s tacky dwelling. Tara’s mom shows up (we hate her, remember?) and we learn that Lafayette only called her because he’s got to go to work. Laff strictly counsels Momma that she is to keep her eyes on Tara, not God. We already know that this is not going to end well.

Sookie stomps into Sheriff Dearborn’s office (which means she missed a couple of scenes, and is probably on the phone with her agent as we speak). Sookie wants the sheriff to help find Bill. The sheriff is really not all that interested, since Bill is technically already dead and all. Sookie storms off, leaving me to think “didn’t the sheriff used to be on that ‘Newhart’ show?”

Now we’re at a gas station, with Sam, finally wearing clothes, approaching some young boy-man who is pretending to work on a car. Sam is looking for “Tommy”, the son of the Magnolia people. The boy-man admits to being a Tommy, but with a different last name. (How many people named Tommy can work at a gas station in a small town?) Sam promises that he’ll come back to buy some new tires, just as a strong wind blows through, signifying that somebody is lying and we will return to this plot point.

Then we have Tara, her momma, and “Reverend Daniels” in a revival at Lafayette’s house. The preacher is babbling about “God’s plan to bring Tara back to her momma,” while said momma swoons in rapturous something or other. Poor Tara.

Quick scene with Bill crawling out of the ground, smelling something, and then racing off into the night. Is it time for contract renewal?

Jessica wakes up from her vampire slumber and discovers that her victim did not survive the night, despite the blood-feeding. She’s bummed about that. Then her phone rings, and it’s Hoyt. He still really wants her. But she’s all preoccupied and says she has to go. Poor Hoyt.

Back to Fangoria again, where Eric is watching a woman with liberated breasts as she twirls on a pole. Suddenly, the Queen comes in with that Magnus guy, yet another dubious officer in this whole vampire network. I don’t remember Magnus’ title, but it’s a big one, so we shouldn’t be messing with him. He can trump the Queen and Eric, that’s all we need to know. Magnus announces that someone is selling V, which is blasphemy, and he intends to find out who it is. The Queen and Eric pretend to know nothing. The stripper, who really DOESN’T know anything except possibly the fundamentals of aerodynamics, continues to twirl.

Over to Merlotte’s, where Arlene realizes that she’s pregnant because she’s able to smell the cinnamon in the chili that Lafayette is cooking. (That’s a new one.) Then we focus on Jason sitting in a booth with two veterinarian ladies he’s met. (Don’t ask.) Jason pulls Hoyt into the mix, and they all head off to Jason’s house for some bumping of body parts, despite Hoyt’s chagrin over his lost love, Jessica the sex killer.

Fangoria, once more, where Magnus is still whining about vampires selling V. He finally leaves, and then the Queen changes her tune and announces that she’s broke and Eric will immediately proceed to unload his stock of V. When Eric questions this, because that Magnus dude seems pretty determined about not doing such, the Queen gets all freaky and threatening. Move the product, Eric, or die. Okay, then.

Sookie’s house, where she’s wandering around and staring at the weird plant infestation that happened when Mary Ann took over. (Has it not occurred to anyone that maybe they should get that crap out of there?) Pam shows up, in fashionable and coordinated shoes, and hands Sookie a check from Eric. (Still don’t know what that’s all about.)

Suddenly, Pam gets a “call” from Eric, and she races out the door in that fast-motion exit action that the vampires in this show have. Sookie has a revelation. Vampires can call one another without cell phones!

Honey, have you never read Anne Rice?

Quick scene at Merlotte’s, with Terry wandering into a room where Arlene is sitting despondently. He tries to be loving, but she stomps out of the room, not bothering to mention that she has been impregnated by his Vietnam-flashback sperm. Or is it really his? Do we care?

Pam also shows up at Merlotte’s, and she proceeds to terrorize Lafayette. He will sell all of his V supply by morning, and do it happily. There’s a misunderstanding about Lafayette’s use of the word “hooker” in regards to Pam, and things get ugly.

Another quick scene with Bill on an unnamed road, heading toward a house with glowing light spilling out of the primitive windows and probably occupied by otherwise innocent people.

Bill’s house, with Sookie once again stomping in the door. (Can this girl not sit still for five seconds?) She confronts Jessica, demanding to know if Bill is able to summon her at will, and if the summoning works in reverse. Jessica ponders this, and realizes that, boy howdy, that seems to be the case. Jessica turns on her vampire GPS and they race out the door.

Back over to Bill approaching the Pleasantville house in the woods. He rings the doorbell, and a grandmotherly type answers the door, lugging along her oxygen tank. Bill convinces her to let him in, and then he feeds on her, which is really twisted and I’m doubting that the AARP will have kind words to say.

Lafayette’s house, where Tara, Tara’s mom, and the Reverend Daniels are still discussing salvation and the pitfalls of the modern age where Internet access can lead to ungodliness. By the way Tara’s mom is pawing on the good Reverend, it’s clear that Momma be horny and this is a game of misplaced priorities. Tara finally excuses herself to go take a shower, which is a sure sign of the devil at work. Once ensconced in the bathroom, Tara sits on the gaudily-decorated toilet and looks sad. This can’t be good.

Quick scene with Sam tailing the “Tommy” from the gas station as said individual drives home. Once Tommy clatters inside the dwelling, Sam rifles through the mailbox contents (do these people not check their mail?) and learns that this is, indeed, the Mickens family that he is searching for. (Even though I don’t remember why.)

Cut to Jason at his house, where he and one of the veterinarian girls are going at it. Sadly, he’s having some performance issues, mainly because he keeps seeing a bullet hole in the forehead of his partner. (Nothing like potential death to spoil the mood.) The other veterinarian girl wanders in, tries to make it a threesome, but Jason is still plagued by that bullet-hole business. When he tries to explain his hesitation, the girls decide it’s time to find another place to crash. (They’re from New York, and really don’t understand backwoods emotional issues.)

Back to Bill at the AARP house, where he’s glamming the old woman so she doesn’t know what happened, what with the feeding and all. Before he departs, he inquires as to where in the world he might be. When the woman responds with “Mississippi”, the soundtrack swells with dramatic music, so I’m assuming that one doesn’t want to realize that they are in that particular state. But no explanation is given.

Lafayette’s house once more, where Laff arrives to find clueless Tara mom sitting on the couch and flipping through trashy tabloid magazines. This causes Lafayette to expect the worst, and he races to the locked bathroom and begins pounding on the door. We have a quick scene with Tara swallowing everything she can find in the medicine cabinet. That girl is just starved for attention.

Jessica and Sookie, driving down yet another unlit roadway but guided by Jess’s newfound ability to sniff out her maker, discover Bill’s crashed vehicle. They drag a body out of the wreckage, because that’s what the script says to do, and manage to discover an odd mark on one of the dead hillbillies. Jessica then uses her iPhone to determine that the mark is a symbol for “Operation Werewolf”. (Um, what site did you go to, honey, because I’ve got my own questionable symbols to research. Is there an app for this?)

Final scene has Bill running around in the darkened countryside, when suddenly a pack of very irritated wolf creatures encircle him and begin snarling in an unpleasant way. I’m going to assume that these are werewolves, because why else would they bring up a murky werewolf organization in the previous scene if it didn’t have any meaning?

The werewolves are not intimated when Bill informs them that he’s just fed, so it looks like we might have an issue here. The producers decide that this scene qualifies as a nice cliff-hanger moment, so they roll the closing credits…