#145 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 10

Okay, so there’s the review of the last episode, which mainly deals with Andrew going off the rails at the Veto Ceremony. Other than that, same old.

Then Julie appears, wearing an odd dress with some ill-advised zipper placement. She babbles about Matty for a while, and mentions that two floaters are on the block. Which begs the question. Who in this house isn’t? Sigh. I miss Janelle.

More shots of Andrew being weird, which leads to another series of Taxi Cab confessions in the Diary Room as people ponder Andrew and his twistedness.

Britney: “I’m so confused!” This doesn’t surprise me, Britney. It certainly shouldn’t surprise YOU. Then again, by some random fluctuation in the world, you will probably end up in the final four. Just sayin.

Rachel: “This house is full of haters!” Whatev. You really need to calm down.

Kathy: “I have no idea what that speech was about!” Agreed. But the same thing could be said about your cosmetic skills.

Andrew: He still thinks he did a really smooth thing. I’m thinking the short shorts from the surfboard competition have caused permanent damage. Just a guess.

Cut to Brendon and Rachel in one of the 412 rooms. She’s all mad at Andrew, snarling and crying and gazing with hatred upon inanimate objects. Speaking of, Brendon tries to calm her down by telling Rachel that Andrew’s speech was all planned. Wrong move. This makes Rachel twist off even more, thinking she’s being kept in the dark. Brendon proceeds to kiss her to make her shut up. They have the sex.

Britney, Lane and Ragan (there’s a combination), sitting around and discussing the exciting Veto Ceremony. They think that Rachel was faking her reaction, which is interesting, since she really wasn’t in on the staged drama. Then something shiny catches Lane’s attention and the conversation is over.

Matt calls Andrew up to the HOH Room. Dude, people are very suspicious about your little performance. Andrew appears shocked, thinking his delivery was sterling and worthy of awards. Not. Matt: You need to talk to people and try to get their votes.

Rachel and Brendon on the patio, snuggling yet bickering. She’s still mad about not being informed of Andrew’s plan. He tries to be appeasing and repentant, but she doesn’t understand either of those words, so he gets frustrated. In desperation, he utters “I love you!” and then buries his head among the twins. She completely ignores this and keeps harping. Um, Brendon, there’s your sign. Run.

Brendon in the Diary Room: “I might have just lost the best thing I ever had.”

You’ve known her three weeks. And she didn’t even care when you said the L word. Why are people so stupid?

Scene with Kathy and Ragan, where she reveals that she has had cancer, and the treatments led to leukemia. “My son needs a chance at a better life.” Okay, no idea if this is a true story, but if it is, Matt is more of a dog than ever.

Ragan in the Diary Room: He was originally going to vote for Kathy to leave, because he really likes Andrew (go figure), but now he’s reconsidering. Then he recreates Liza Minnelli’s showstopper from “Cabaret”. One of the grips filming the scene cries.

Next we have Kathy talking to Kristen, sharing the details of being pregnant at 18 and how the people in high school treated her for such. Kristen appears sympathetic. Andrew, across the courtyard, glares at the two as if Satan just arose and spit in his face.

Andrew in the Diary Room: “I resent not getting emotional support from these people.” Really? Then perhaps you should actually try talking to them instead of beating on non-responsible objects in the swamp room and bellowing animal noises.

Cut to Andrew crying in the swamp room, then digging for gold in his nose. Nice.

Kathy is about to step into the communal shower, with Kristen nearby, gazing into a mirror and trying out various movie-star hairstyles, when Andrew suddenly marches up. “You two are playing me like a fiddle. Don’t do it anymore!” Then he turns to scamper away, because he’s SO manly.

(You can almost hear the BB producers going “Where did THAT come from?”)

Kristen is not impressed. “I don’t appreciate that at ALL. We’re gonna have a nice little chat.” As Kathy finally escapes into the shower, hoping to wash away the slime of the Big Brother craziness, Kristen marches off to find Andrew.

And they get into it, big time. To be fair, Kristen tries to remain rational and fair-minded. But Andrew has gone off the deep end, completely delusional and spewing paranoid crap. Kristen finally has enough. “You’re gonna dig your own grave!” Andrew counters with the unoriginal “YOU are gonna dig YOUR own grave!”

The entire house hears the yelling. Oh boy.

Matt, Enzo and Hayden in the HOH Room, once again trying very hard to not at all hide their alliance. The general consensus is that they need to keep Andrew in the house as a distraction, because he’s so messed up. On the flip side, Kathy will target them for having nominated her. (But Kathy can’t win squat. How can she target you?)

Back to Julie: “Matt told a lie, and created a controversy outside the house.” Ya think?

Boring commercials. I already have a Swiffer, thanks.

Jules again, and she chats with the houseguests. There’s a boring Rachel segment where we learn nothing new. Then Julie queries Lane about what he misses from the real world outside, and he surprises no one by saying he misses spot-lighting and fishing. (Another debit for Texas.) Julie ends the roundtable by making fun of Britney teaching Enzo how to speak proper English. Julie appears to be really invested in this, cackling gleefully as Enzo is made out as an idiot. (Not a big leap.) Then Julie announces that there will be a one-week break from anybody being on slop. Everyone in the house appears to be on the verge of having sex with her out of gratitude.

We get to meet Matty’s wife, to hear her thoughts on being portrayed as a helpless woman with a bone disfiguration. “He lacks all common sense. I don’t agree with what he did. But I did try to help Matt with his letter.” The one where she basically supported his lie. Nice. I guess everyone has a soul mate.

Quick sound bite from Julie: “Is the Saboteur twist really over?”

Commercials. Did you know that perfume is really cheap at TJ Maxx? Wow.

Back to Julie, talking to just Matt in the HOH Room? Any qualms with the lying about the bone disease? Nope. Don’t feel bad? Nope. Do you have any chance of not going to Hell? Nope.

Eviction Ceremony and the “Save Me” speeches.

Kathy: Very nice, very to the point. I’m going to be myself in this house, do what I think is right, and if that gets me evicted, so be it. (Actually really starting to like her, despite the frightening mascara.)

Andrew: Goes immediately into full rant mode. He trashes Kristen and Hayden, revealing their love fest, and then proceeds to inform every one of the houseguests how the two, especially Kristen, have privately belittled all of them. (Some of this is true, most of it reeks of full-tilt delusional madness.) And he goes on and on. And on. Everybody is stunned. Kristen, furious, tries to get a word in, but Julie cuts her off (“You don’t have the floor”) and then she cuts Andrew off. (Commercials are coming up, people, don’t jack with that.) It is one of the most vindictive Eviction Ceremonies we’ve seen. I’m slack-jawed. (Granted, this often happens.)

Time to vote.

Kristen (fuming), Rachel (laughing), and Britney (totally flummoxed) vote to evict Andrew.

Back to Julie. She informs us that we’re heading into the sacred commercials, but my eyes are glued to the monitor over her shoulder where we can see Andrew and Kristen still yelling at each other in the couch room. To be a fly on the wall…

Commercials. Did you know that you can rent-to-own a waterbed?

Julie again, grinning from ear to ear. Twisted houseguest reactions always result in stellar ratings. Yay team! We see the rest of the house vote, and it’s unanimous. (Ragan, the last to enter the Diary Room: “I vote to institutionalize and evict Andrew.”)

He gone.

So then we have the exit interview between Andrew and Julie, and it’s really kind of pointless. He’s obviously lost his mind and can’t really justify his behavior. The only thing of any worth is gleaned from the “goodbye” videos from the houseguests, where Rachel, because she’s SO grounded in reality, accuses Andrew of trying to come between her and Brendon. And men liking other is men is so WRONG. (“Eeeewwww!”)

Really? You are dead to me now, Rachel. Word.

Time for the live HOH competition.

Two people at a time try to buzz first and answer questions about past competitions. Winner stays alive and picks the next two houseguests. Loser is out of the game. Rinse and repeat. It actually gets very intense, and people keep picking Rachel to try to get her out. Surprisingly, she does very well, and she eventually wins HOH. And immediately bursts into teats. I mean tears.

Cut to Julie. Next week we’ll be opening Pandora’s Box. (I didn’t know she had closed it.) We could possibly see a new saboteur introduced, with America picking who will get the offer to go two weeks as The Saboteur and win $20,000 if they make it. Vote now! Okay, “let’s eavesdrop on the houseguests”.

Back to the courtyard, where Rachel and Kristen are screaming and threatening each other.

Roll end credits.

What the hell?

#144 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 9

We have the typical review of the last episode (nothing new) and then a round of Diary Room appearances:

Rachel: Totally thrilled about she and Brendon not getting nominated. Oh wait, there’s that backdoor thing, isn’t there? Hmmm. Her enthusiasm dwindles and her hair goes flat.

Andrew: Whines about being a pawn. Still does not achieve any level of charisma or awareness about the fact that people don’t necessarily care for him.

Hayden: “Matty nominated two floaters! What the hell?” Then one of the production assistants politely asks him to shove the hair out of his eyes and actually face the camera.

Kathy: “Matty’s nominations don’t make sense!” Neither do your creepy spider eyelashes. I think that makes it a draw.

Matt: I’m playing to win! Crickets chirp.

Scene with Andrew in the swamp room, wandering around aimlessly and talking to himself. He says the word “stupid” at least 30 times. Did somebody turn on “Rain Man” while I went to the bathroom?

Rachel and Brendon in one of the bedrooms, smooching away, celebrating their temporary safety, and figuring out who is going to be on top this time. Andrew, because he has some twisted radar going on, bursts through the door and interrupts them.

Kathy goes to Matt. “Can we chat?” They wander up to the HOH Room. Kathy: “I’m not gunning for you at all.” (Um, what about that vote to send him home?) Matt: “Then win Power of Veto. I don’t care.” Kathy: Seriously, I’m not gunning for you. Then she blinks, and the amount of mascara flakes dropping downward causes foundation issues for the house.

Matt in the Diary Room: “I don’t believe her at all.”

Hayden finds Andrew in one of the rooms, with Kristen trailing along because she can’t let her boyfriend out of her sight even though they are supposedly on the down-low. Both of them to Andrew: “We had no idea” that Matt was going to nominate you. “We are shocked!” Andrew pouts and mutters words of suffering. Hayden: “If I win POV, I will pull you off.”

Hayden in the Diary Room: “I want to backdoor Brendon.” Production assistant: Hayden, seriously dude, look at the camera. Do you even know what that is?

Weird sequence of scenes where Andrew completely loses it because Rachel put peaches in the iced tea, meaning that the “Have-nots” can’t drink it. (Okay, I don’t really know the rules here with the Slop People, nor do I see the appeal of peaches in my iced tea, but can’t Andrew just brew another batch and put a “No Fruit!” warning label on it?) Andrew goes off into the swamp room and starts making loud, primal noises. Kathy, probably because she recognizes the guttural noises from her childhood in Texarkana when the Bogey Creek monster was running amok, runs to the swamp room to check on him. He whines, she comforts, I worry about their mutual sanity.

Andrew in the Diary Room: He’s all for an alliance with Brendon, but he’s very much against the tag-along Rachel with her annoying laugh, fondness for Clairol and peaches, and whip-lash hair that can cut you to ribbons.

The Brigade is sitting on the patio, once again being very obvious about their secret alliance. The three non-Mensa members are quizzing Matty. Are you going to backdoor Rachel or Brendon or what? Matty has this mystifying thing to say: “It’s obvious what’s going on.” No, it’s not. If you want both of them gone, you should have put one up on the block initially and then backdoor the other, if needed. Do I need to call Mensa and have them review your file?

Matt in the Diary Room: “Now the plan is to backdoor Rachel or Brendon.” Then he congratulates himself once again, for being smarter than anybody, ever.

Scenes of Andrew vacuuming every square inch of the house, followed by scenes of the houseguests making fun of Andrew wanting to be neat and tidy. (Enzo: “He’s cleaning stuff that’s already clean!”) Yes, Andrew seems overly obsessed. On the flip side, based on the piles of debris and nastiness stacked about the house, the rest of the people in here are total pigs.

Time to pick players for the Veto Competition. Matt draws Brendon, Kathy draws Lane, and Andrew draws Rachel. I bust out laughing as the Brigade members squirm and cry over the strong possibility that Brendon or Rachel could win and keep the nominations the same, thus saving their butts.

Scene with Matt in the Diary Room, whining about this development.

Scene with Matt and Lane in the HOH Room, whining about this development. Lane, blue about the roadblocks the Brigade has faced: “We can’t get jack crap done.” (There’s a Texas phrase for you.”) Lane: “Gimme some pop rocks.” Then we get to hear him crunching on this candy for an amazingly long period of time. And that right there, folks, explains a lot.

Quick scene with Matt and Andrew in the pantry, with Andrew really worried about how things are shaping up. Luckily, Matt does not fondle any random fruit in a suggestive manner.

HOH Room with the Brigade members. (What the hell is that thing on Enzo’s head?) They are all bummed that the POV competition might be something scientific, since Rachel and Brendon are both scientists, or at least that’s what they’ve told us. The pity party is interrupted when Enzo spies Andrew on the HOH monitors that survey the house. “Hey, it’s Kosher Cable!” Lane: “I didn’t know the Jews wore Ninja outfits when they pray.”

We’re such a tolerant society, right?

Then we have a montage of Lane talking about guns. As he explains in various scenes, Texans need guns on hand at any moment. “We might be bored that day and wanna go shoot a turtle.” Oh, and he talks about Texans getting drunk, piling in a truck, turning on the hi-beams, and then driving through random fields, shooting anything that looks at them. It’s a shining moment for the Lone Star State. Not.

Time for the Veto Competition.

Enzo waltzes out in a genie outfit with billowing pantaloons. (“Enzo Hammer!” screams an exuberant, and probably drunk, houseguest.) They pile out to the courtyard, where there are various items placed about in an odd county-fair type of theme. (Lane: “It looked like a smarter version of a redneck carnival in Texas.” Lane, are you trying to destroy the reputation of your state in a single episode?)

As the six contestants circle about the yard, trying to determine what’s important and what’s not, Britney hollers at Matt: “Count the candles!”, referring to one of the displays. Okay, wait. If you’re not playing the game, you’re supposed to keep your mouth shut, and just sit there, hoping the camera catches you at an appealing angle and you can get a modeling contract. Why isn’t Julie Chenbot or one of the producers rushing out and putting a muzzle on Britney? Even if she’s NOT doing anything.

Anyway, Enzo is going to ask questions about the various displays. The answer is always going to be an amount, and you can decide to stay or fold once everyone has bid. If you stay, and your bid is the most shockingly wrong, you are eliminated. In the first round, Matt wins but Lane goes down. In the second, Andrew wins but Matt goes down.

Brendon in the Diary Room: So what you have at this point is “the two people who don’t wanna go home against the two people who don’t wanna go home.” True dat.

The third round goes to Brendon, with Kathy booted. (She never had a chance, poor thing can’t count even though you know she has ticket quotas being a police officer and all.) The fourth round goes to Andrew by default, with no booting. The fifth round goes to Brendon by default. Andrew and Brendon have two points each, and you need three to win.

And we cut to commercial. Really not caring for this bogus extending of the drama. Don’t jack with the pacing, people. If I wasn’t blogging this damn thing, I don’t know that I would come back after the shilling for feminine hygiene products. Are you listening, CBS? Probably not.

Boring commercial run, with two of the adverts being for “Big Brother”, and both of them including shots of Kathy slipping off the big wiener. I think we can put that to rest now.

We come back, and Brendon takes the next round, giving him POV. In the Diary Room, he expounds that “Brenchel” is taking over. Okay, here’s the deal. I was totally in your corner until you came up with that stupid team name. Now, not so much.

Then we have Brendon and Rachel in yet another abandoned room, with Rachel doing her trademark “jump and straddle” maneuver on Brendon. Again. I’m trying to pull for you two, but you’ve got to stop with this aerobic sex thing. Not really grooving on it.

Brendon to Rachel, as they frolic and flip: “We have to make sure that Andrew stays.”

Cut to Andrew in the swamp room, banging on something and muttering to himself. Really, you want to save THIS?

The Brigade in the HOH Room. (Side note: Why is the rest of the house not noticing that these same four guys keep piling into said HOH Room every five minutes? And that they all sit side-by-side on the couches when meetings and such are taking place? You people have tremendous amounts of downtime every day. Pay attention.)

Anyway, the Brigade members are fussing about the sorry state of affairs, since it’s fairly clear that they can’t get Rachel and Brendon out this week. During the whole discussion, Matty has one hand shoved into his shorts, massaging his ego. Enzo is wearing some dumb-ass turquoise feather boa jacket thing. It’s time for this group to implode.

Brendon and Andrew in the swamp room, with the night-vision cameras going on. Andrew is all pumped, wanting “to do something to shake up the house.” But don’t let Rachel know. And tomorrow, stay away from me.

Sigh. It’s Andrew. This could go anywhere.

Time for the Veto Ceremony, and the “Save Me” speeches.

Kathy: Brendon, I’m not even going to ask you to use the Veto on me. That would mean risking Rachel. (Wow, somebody telling the truth for once. I’m sure the producers wet themselves.)

Andrew: He goes off on some weird-ass tangent about Rachel and Brendon, and Matty, being in a twisted game of power plays, and that threats somehow get you further in the game. Then he starts bellowinn. “Brendon and Rachel, I’m coming after you!”, followed by “Brendon, give me the Power of Veto!” This mixed message is totally off the wall.

THIS is shaking up the house? Good God.

Brendon, of course, does not use the Power.

And then we end with another round of Diary Room blathering.

Andrew: The house will like me better for appearing to be against Rachel and Brendon. (No, they will think you are off your meds.)

Kathy: This just might save me. (And you just might be right.)

Britney: WHAT was that? (For once, I’m back in your corner.)

Rachel: He’s such a hater! (Oh grow up.)

Brendon: It was risky, but I think we pulled it off. (I don’t know about that. Your special boy is kinda crazy.)

Matt: No one’s gonna believe Andrew. (He congratulates himself for his ability to breathe, then he strokes his ego.)

Roll end credits.

#143 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 6

We start off really fast, with Russell and his minions dragging Sookie and Bill into his plantation house. (Something tells me there won’t be any mint juleps served.) Amid the commotion, Lorena comes running down the curving staircase, because people are doing things and she wants to be a part of it. Likewise, Eric races in from another room, where he was probably playing “Viking Death Match” on the XBOX.

Russell throws Bill on the Italian-marbled floor, making it clear that this is not a social event with pleasantries and dancing.

Bill, not enjoying having his face slide on the floor, fancy marble or whatever, leaps to his feet and kills one of the extras. He then jumps on Russell’s back, either intent on a rambunctious parlor game or bloody vengeance. Regardless, Russell merely belches, and Bill is slammed into the ceiling. (Russell: “I’m 3,000 years old! What were you thinking?)

Bill, spitting out plaster, screams to Eric. “Get Sookie out of here!”

Eric does not. Instead, after watching Sookie suddenly do some freaky dance move of unknown power, turns to Russell and says: “I don’t know what it is, but it’s quite valuable.”

Roll opening credits. Toothless. Skanky. Gospel. Happy dancing for Jesus.

Sookie screams at Eric: “I will never, ever forgive you for this!” Then she tussles with strange men in black.

Talbot, very unhappy about the damaged ceiling thing, makes disparaging comments about Russell, and then flees upstairs to find some soothing chiffon. Russell, excusing himself to go “save his marriage”, starts after him, but not before turning to Lorena. “Take Bill out to the stables and kill him.” Then he goes in search of queens with misplaced priorities.

Sookie to Lorena: “You kill him, I will kill YOU.”

Lorena to Sookie: “Bring it.” Or something like that. The baring of fangs is involved.

Cut to Merlotte’s, where some whiny diner is making life miserable for Arlene. The diner has just placed a meticulous food order two seconds before the restaurant closes. Sighing, and hating, Arlene marches up to Lafayette and Jesus at the pool table. “You have to cook. Chicken-fried steak. With extra gravy on the side.” Laff and Jesus scurry into the kitchen to do just that.

Meanwhile, Arlene is cutting fresh lemons for the bitchy dining patron with needs. The sight of blood causes Jessica’s fangs to pop. Arlene is not pleased.

Cut to Jason and Crystal still making whoopee by the lake. Crystal: “I ain’t no virgin.” Then she flips him over and straddles his nether region. Jason: “Don’t hurt me. Or not.” Crystal: “I ain’t into any pervert stuff.” (Then honey, you might be in the wrong town.) Jason: “I meant, don’t break my heart.” Awww. But this only causes Crystal to get all sad. Then she sniffs something in the air, and proclaims “Gotta go. This can’t happen, it’s too dangerous.”

What?

Sookie and Eric, some random room at the plantation. Sookie: So this business about you caring for me was all crap. Eric: “You mean NOTHING to me. Do NOT get in my way.” Then Russell wanders in, buckling his pants. (I guess Talbot was treated to something better than chiffon.) Russell orders Eric out, then “Tell me what you are.” Sookie: “I’m a waitress.” Russell: “Don’t try my patience.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where the cranky diner is still eating and complaining. Arlene just wants to go, concerned that her kids have been left with Terry too long. (I would be, too.) But uh oh, Jessica informs her that Laff is already gone, off to play with Jesus. Meaning Arlene is ALONE with Jessica. Arlene clutches the cross around her neck. “This cross is GOLD!”

Jessica rolls her eyes, marches over to Hateful Helen still munching in her booth, glamors her to leave all her money on the table, and then proceed to the Ladies’ Room. The diner does just that, and then Jessica slips into said bathroom and finally gets her own dinner. Arlene, clueless, is nonetheless very pleased with her tip.

Lafayette and Jesus, parked on some Lover’s Lane and making googly eyes, learning a bit about each other. Eventually, Jesus asks for just a kiss. (“No sex on the first date. Gives us something to look forward to.” How sweet.)

Russell and Sookie, with Russell fiddling with a fire poker in a menacing way. Russell: “Are you going to answer my questions?” Sookie: “I’ll answer one, then you answer one.” They discuss the telepath thing, which basically gets nowhere, then Sookie wants to know if Lorena is going to kill Bill. (Quentin Tarantino suddenly starts paying attention, off in some bunker, plotting his next movie.) Russell: She’ll take her time, but yes. Sookie: Please stop her. (I’m thinking Sookie doesn’t fully comprehend her place in the chain of command.)

Russell pulls out the supposed file that Bill was keeping on her bloodline. She doesn’t care. Russell: What’s up with the electrical discharge flying out of your hands? Sookie: No clue. Russell: “You really don’t know anything, do you?”

Lorena in the stable, with Bill shirtless and chained to the floor. Lorena: “I do miss the 1930’s.” Bill makes disparaging remarks to indicate that Lorena is a bitch. Perhaps not his best move. She takes a scalpel thing and slices down his chest, then cuts her own skanky self, mixing the blood. “I will be inside you now.” Bill, finally realizing that bitterness might not be the best option, says “I wish I could have known you before you were turned. I would have liked to seen you smile with light in your eyes, not darkness.” Which is pretty romantic, really. Lorena, crying, slashes his face with the scalpel.

Guess that didn’t work.

Cut to Franklin and Tara, with her still tied to whatever bed they are in. She’s still playing her “pretend that I love him” card, straining against her bonds to kiss him with mediocre passion. Franklin stupidly mentions that Sookie is in da house. This just lights more of a fire under Tara, and not in the way he envisions. She asks him to untie her, so they can make beasty love. He does, and they transgress, with him proclaiming “Bite me. Open me up!”

Tara: “You don’t have to ask me twice.” Then she rips half his neck off with her teeth. This is not the Disney Channel.

Talbot and Eric are playing cards, with Talbot revealing that he and Russell have been together for 700 years. (Good God. Can you imagine how much they must be on each other’s nerves by now?) Russell comes marching up, tossing Sookie to some more men in black standing around. “Lock her up and get the car ready.” He turns to Eric. “Come with me.”

Talbot, left out of the party once again, wails and rushes off somewhere to commiserate with something pretty. Russell tells Eric: “We’re going to go see an old friend of yours.” (Cleopatra?)

The men in black toss Sookie into the room that once held Bill. (I guess they got that bed fixed, eh?) Sookie bursts into tears, because that seems to be her go-to reaction lately. Then she gets a mind-read of Tara. “I will find you. We leave in the morning.”

Shot of messy Tara on a bed, belching a bit of blood while Franklin slumbers behind her. That girl is going to have issues from now on.

Russell and Eric in the car. Russell: “What is your relationship to Miss Stackhouse?” Eric: “I do not get attached to humans.” (Yeah, right.) Russ: “Lorena says you killed one of my werewolves.” (Oops.) Eric: “In self-defense.” Then Russell goes off on a history lesson, babbling about the wolves protecting him forever, how he gives them blood and all. Wasn’t it nice when humans didn’t smell like car exhaust? Eric: “I remember EVERYTHING. Wait, wasn’t that our exit back there?”

Laff and Jesus are at Laff’s subdued (not) house, with Jesus explaining that the little figurines he has decorated with are actually very powerful beings, and that he must make sacrifices and such. This revelation makes Laff horny and they start kissing again.

Suddenly, sounds of destruction from outside. Jesus and Mary race to investigate, and find drunken rednecks getting all Carrie Underwood on Laff’s fancy car. During the brawling and the yelling, which the rednecks lose, Jesus learns about Laff’s part-time business. Jesus: “You’re a drug dealer? You sell V? Take me back to my car.”

Well, then. Their relationship lasted less then twenty-fours hours. Just like that weird Julia Roberts-Lyle Lovett thing from back in the day.

We’re at the Louisiana Queen’s house (Sophie Anne? Something like that.), with her playing with lotto tickets and reminding us that she has red hair. Russell waltzes in with a flower and proposes marriage. Apparently not for the first time. Sophie: “I’ve turned you down countless times.” Discussion ensues, harsh words are exchanged, and Russell finally yells “You are NO queen.” And Russell should know, right?

To make things more exciting, Eric storms in and tackles Sophie, slamming her to the ground. (Her jewelry is still pretty, though.) Eric renounces his allegiance to the Queen. The Queen refuses to release him. (Was there an issue with the paperwork?) Eric, who is apparently much older than Sophie and therefore can do this, decides to just kill her. Russell stops him. Not sure why.

Eric sidles up to Russell and basically caresses him, (which is odd, what‘s going on with THAT?), then he goes to “restrain the queen”. Russell wanders off to find somebody else to marry him.

Cut to the horse stable, where it appears that Lorena has used every surgical cutting device known to man on Bill. He’s still alive, though, and feisty. They continue to argue while Lorena occasionally licks her some Bill off of one of the implements. Bill thinks she’s too wicked and mean. She begs to differ, adding some oregano to her snack. Bill: “I welcome death. I will finally be free of the disease that is YOU.”

Just then, Cooter and some tramp bust through the door, thinking that Lorena should be done playing death doctor by now and wanting the left-overs. Lorena: “Suck whatever’s left.” And they do, in an extended scene which shows that these two actors have spent far too much time imagining what they would do if they could just eat a vampire.

Now we’re at Sam’s house, with he and Tommy watching some crap on TV. (The left-wingers just want equal rights. The right-wingers don’t because then they can‘t feel superior. Blah. Blah.) Sam: What’s the deal with Joe Lee? Tommy: I just hate him. Sam: There’s something messed up going on here and we’re gonna talk about it.

Sam and Tommy’s mom shows up with a big pan of fritters, because that’s just what you do in small towns. Mommy Beeriest would like to speak with her youngest alone, so Sam runs off to put the fritters on the lunch menu, because you also do THAT in small towns. Then Mommy slaps Tommy. Oh?

She mad. Joe Lee has stayed by her side all these years, while she did something mysterious to make ends meet. Now her back is out of whack, so it’s Tommy’s turn to bring home the bacon. Or the fritters, whatever they are using for currency in this place. “Sam won’t help us once he knows the truth!”

Why do I have the feeling that the truth involves either questionable sexual activities and/or a surplus of toothless people handling snakes?

Back to the plantation, where we see Bloody Tara slip out of Franklin’s bed, grab a mace thing off the wall (how convenient!) and wallop the hell out of Franklin. Blood everywhere while Tara wears a white gown. (Just like that movie “Carrie!” Only without Sissy Spacek. Or Piper Laurie, Or, I don’t know, anybody we actually know.) Tara, satisfied that Franklin will not be making the wedding, or anything, tomorrow night, grabs her clothes and skedaddles.

Jason drives up to some shack, then goes to the door whilst lugging a bouquet of flowers. Some ugly yokel answers. Jason inquires if Miss Crystal is taking gentleman callers at the moment. She ain’t. She glares at Jason. “Who are you? Leave me and my fiance alone!” She mean. Jason, totally confused, scampers away. Why is nobody allowed to have healthy relationships on this show?

Tara again, approaching the guard outside Sookie’s door, bellowing some story about feeding Sookie almonds so she’ll taste better because Talbot said so. The guard lets her in, so she and Sookie beat him to death with a handy vase. Then they run. These people are getting a lot of exercise this episode.

Over to Merlotte’s, where Lafayetta is mean to Arlene because Jesus has forsaken him, Sam is looking for Tommy, and Arlene wants to know why his family gets to have pets and she doesn’t. Something about seeing a pit bull over at Nasty Daddy and Trashy Momma’s rent house. This bit of news causes Sam to run out the door, and he finds that Tommy is missing from Sam’s house. Uh oh. We knew that boy was trouble.

Quick scene with Sookie and Tara, running for freedom. Sookie wants to save Bill, of course, but Tara doesn’t think he’s all that anymore, especially since he was fine with Franklin tying her up and making her wear dowdy nightwear. They part ways.

Merlotte’s again, where Sam is quizzing Acting Chief Andy about any dog fights that might be going on. Seems Andy did hear something about that going on over to the Humpandrun Parish. Sam jumps in his car, ensures his trusty gun is in the glove box, blows a kiss at himself in the mirror, and then tears down the road, nearly running Jason and his vehicle into a tree.

Jason, because he’s distracted very easily, forgets where he was going and instead decides to harass some couple he sees playing slap and tickle in another car. Turns out the couple is that cocky high-school quarterback and some floozy with a squeaky voice. Jason pretends that he’s issuing the boy a citation for “lewd behavior”, which in Jason’s book means slam the perp onto the hood of the car. (The floozy screams a lot, because she understands succeeding in the acting world is all about upstaging.) We don’t like the quarterback, so we’re fine with the senseless brutality in principle, but what is UP with Jason?

Sookie is approachins the Stable of Blood and Knives, when the door suddenly flies open. Cooter and Snatchetta race out, all high and stuff from their Bill binge. They trippin’, acting all ate up with the dumbass and having visions. Sookie mutters “Trash!” and then heads inside.

Tara is still running like the wind when she suddenly spies a wolf. This could turn ugly. Luckily, it doesn’t, because this time it’s really Alcide. He transitions back, meaning he’s all naked as he approaches Tara. Alcide: “I’m lookin’ for Sookie.” Tara: “You got a car?” Notice she doesn’t ask “you got some pants?”. He fine.

Final scene, Sookie’s in the stable, hovering over Bloody Bill on the floor. “Say something. Don’t be dead! Not after everything we’ve been through!” She wrinkles her face and stuff, pleading and showing her torment by wringing her hands and lovingly touching his manly chest. Bill’s eyes pop open. He’s alive! Yay!

Then Lorena appears, throws Sookie against the wall in a very rude manner, snarls “This is all your fault!”, and then proceeds to go all Donner Party on Sookie’s neck. Sookie, never one to let anyone else have the last word in a scene, starts screaming and emoting unkind thoughts about Lorena’s antisocial behavior. But at least Sookie’s hair looks pretty in the firelight.

Roll end credits.

#142 - “Big Brother” - Season 12 - Episode 8

Okay, we tune in to find the HOH competition still going on, where people are being all Gidget on a surfboard and trying not to plummet the two feet to the little pond. There’s only so much excitement to be gained from watching people stand, so we have a round of Diary Room confessions.

Brendon: “I gotta win this thing.” Um, probably a good idea.

Enzo: “The Brigade has gotta drop grenades.” Really don’t care for it when people come up with a boring catchphrase and then proceed to repeat it until you want to claw your face.

Andrew: “I can’t go on slop because it’s not kosher!” See what I mean?

Britney: “I gotta win this thing.” Heard that already. Next.

Lane: Something about a clown at a rodeo. I drifted off.

Kathy: “I might have sealed my fate,” voting for Matt and all. “But I’m gonna vote the way I want.”

Matt: “Kathy sucks.”

Back to the courtyard, where people are starting to drop and we finally have some excitement. Kathy goes down first, which is no surprise because she’s already proven with the wiener thing that if there’s wind beneath her wings, she’s gonna plunge. Then Lane goes down, possibly due to memories of the rodeo clown. Kristen drops, followed by Hayden. (I’m assuming they immediately ran behind a bush and turned off the lights.) Finally, Britney and her glaring nail polish hit the water. This makes them the five “Haves” for the week.

Just as I’m realizing that Andrew has some really long, skinny legs, we have Enzo in the Diary Room, talking about the same thing: “Those short shorts don’t look kosher.”

Matty starts talking smack, trying to psych out the remaining players. Enzo, not the sharpest, forgets he’s in an alliance with Matty, and tumbles. Then Ragan has a nice gay pride moment, telling all those people from his traumatizing high school years that they can go suck it, cause he’s on Big Brother AND doing really good in this competition. Rachel suddenly screams “Brendon, don’t fall!” and we cut to commercial.

Oh, come ON, people. That was NOT necessary. We endure ads for motorized wheelchairs (Never miss another game of Bingo! Run down people at the mall!) and motorized beds that can apparently cure every known physical condition.

And we’re back. Despite Rachel’s tremendous lung power, Brendon does not survive and gets all wet. This leaves just Andrew, Ragan and Matt. Ragan turns to Andrew and offers: “If I win HOH, I will not nominate you, and I will not use you as a replacement.” That’s a pretty sweet deal. Perhaps Ragan should spend some time learning better negotiating skills. You don’t use everything in your first offer. (Andrew yells to everybody in a five-block vicinity: “Did y’all hear that?”) Two seconds later, Andrew and his short shorts are in the water.

Matty gets a little pissy because he wasn’t invited to the U.N. subcommittee, so Ragan asks the rest of the crowd “Can Matt and I talk?” They all thunder inside the house like there are margaritas in the blender. Ragan: “What are your thoughts?” (Quick shot of Ragan in the Diary Room: “I trust Matt.” Poor thing.) Matt is actually all cocky, and doesn’t seriously try to make a deal. The rest of the house finally comes back outside, fully expecting to find that one of them “accidentally fell,” but this is not the case. They look disappointed.

But they get their wish a bit later, when Ragan takes a nosedive. Matty wins HOH.

Brendon goes to find Rachel. She’s off in one of the rooms, bawling. “He’s going to send me home!” Brendon: “You can’t treat him any differently.” Chin up and all that. Then they rub noses and paw at each other, whispering words of support. Um, folks, “can’t treat him any differently” means “get you asses out there and quit hiding in the bedroom”.

Rachel, finally drying her tears (or maybe they were just soaked up by her hair) goes to Matt in the HOH room, pleading her case. Matt: “You broke the deal by telling our secret. I have no allegiances.” That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you tell the truth and yet lie at the same time.

Britney and Enzo, with her making fun of his Jersey accent. Yes, Britney, with that country twang that could trip up a herd of wild buffalo, making fun of another dialect. (Enzo in the Diary Room: “What’s wrong with the way I talk? I think SHE’S speakin’ wrong.” Okay, maybe Britney does win this round.)

Matt shows off his new HOH Room, and reads a letter from his wife, which is magically worded so that it DOES sounds like she has some serious medical condition even though she doesn’t. The girls get all misty-eyed, and the guys get quiet, because they don’t know how to express emotion. (Andrew in the Diary Room: “I’m sorry I doubted him.) Puh-leeze. I can’t WAIT for the truth to come out about THAT mess. Sadly, this might not happen until the final show, when Matt wins the big money while his wife is off to the side in a Lucy Ricardo outfit, stomping grapes with no issue.

Matty in the Diary Room (“My reign of terror is working perfectly!”), followed by the Brigade in the HOH Room. The talk is all about feeding Rachel and Brendon to the wolves. (Matt again in the Diary Room: “But really, Kathy’s kinda on my radar.”) Then Hayden inexplicably leaves the room in mid-sentence.

He rushes off to a room bathed in the sexy green night-vision for some Kristen lovin’. He tells her “We have to be VERY careful.” Can’t have anybody finding out about this. Then Kristen screams in orgasm, so I’m not sure if their secret is safe.

Back to the HOH Room with the three remaining Brigade members. Now they’re thinking that Hayden and Kristen might be the couple in the house that knew each other before. “They look just alike!” (Totally don’t get that.) Lane: “They have the same birthmark!” Which is true, but I’m more impressed to learn that Lane can actually remember things from day to day. They talk about getting rid of Kristen so she won’t prove troublesome in the end. Quick shot of some Hayden and Kristen monkey love.

Cut to Rachel sitting on Brendon’s lap, with her and her breasts giving him a haircut. Snuggles and snipping. Suddenly, Andrew marches in with a vacuum and goes after the droppings. (What, is HAIR not kosher now?) Dude, seriously, they’re kind of busy. Then we have the love birds in an actual bed, playing slap and tickle in the dark, and Andrew bursts in again, intent on organizing his sock drawer. Does he just not understand something? This probably explains why he’s divorced.

Britney and Lane standing in the kitchen, gazing out the window as Brendon and Rachel show they’s in love out in the courtyard. Brit and Lane start acting like they are Brendon and Rachel, with on-target one liners and such, and it’s really pretty funny. Then we have Lane in the Diary Room. “I’ve role-played a couple of times back in Texas. Mainly with horses and cows. Wondering what they’re thinking.”

What the HELL?

People are sitting on the patio, wondering what the “Have-not” food might be this week. Then they wander inside and discover that it’s baby food and bok choy. Andrew is beside himself with joy, because the baby food is kosher. The rest of the Have-not’s aren’t so impressed with goo in jars.

Oh, come on, people. Haven’t you ever been feeding your highchair-encased little niece, and taken a sample bite just to show the tyke how it’s done? Some of that stuff is GOOD. Wait, did I just reveal too much? Seriously, it’s not like I seek it out, sneaking into Wal-Mart and buying cases. I just… well… oh, never mind.

Matt, Brendon and Rachel in the HOH Room. Matt wants to make a deal. (Rachel digs in her purse for a bobby pin and a dry-cleaning receipt, ready to hand it over to Monty Hall, then remembers where she is.) Matt makes it simple: I don’t put you guys up, you don’t put me up next week.

Rachel in the Diary Room: I totally don’t believe him.

Matt and Andrew in the HOH Room (that place is busy, sayin). Matt: I might nominate you, but you aren’t the target. Just wanted to let you know. Andrew: Why not “those two”? Matt: “Because there’s a huge backdoor opportunity.” See, I don’t like it when people I can’t stand (Matty) actually seem to be using some logic. Makes me nervous.

Nomination Ceremony.

We do the key-drawing thing, and I’m stunned when Rachel’s key comes out next to last. Even more stunned when Brendon’s key is last. This leaves Kathy and Andrew without a key, and puts them on the block. Wow.

Matt tells Kathy: “I have no idea where you are in this game, and you voted for me.” Fair.

Matt tells Andrew: “You were gunnin’ for me, maybe you still are, and I’m all by myself. I gotta protect myself.” Not fair. Matt has the Brigade.

But the other members of the Brigade look totally stunned. So he didn’t run this by them? Interesting.

Shots of Kathy and Andrew being all cranky in the Diary Room. They mad.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “Matty better have a backdoor plan.”

Matt in the Diary Room: “No plan. I’m just gonna see how it goes.”

Then he just grins….

#141 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 7

Well, Julie’s here, so there will be some bag-packing and a dramatic exit.

The live audience is here as well, which makes my skin crawl. Three of the members actually turned handsprings and juggled kumquats while Julie was reading the TelePrompter. Sadly, none of them were injured.

First we have the recap of last night’s episode, nothing that we haven’t seen before, but Announcer Guy tempts us with “tempers flaring and lies revealed” on tonight’s episode. That sounds beer-worthy, so I run to the kitchen to grab one. I’m sure I’m the only person in America who consumes alcohol whilst gazing upon stupidity, right?

Anyway, back to Julie, carefully positioning herself in front of the cameras for maximum lighting so we can see that it looks like she snagged the shoulder of her dress in a sausage grinder. She babbles a bit, mostly about Matty doing a risky thing, then we finally get inside the house.

Right away we have Monet in the Diary Room, calling Rachel a “complete stupid bimbo”, because that’s all Monet knows how to do. Then she and Britney have a bitch-fest in the swamp room, vowing to get Rachel. Perhaps they are missing the point that if Monet goes home, their tirade is pointless. The maggots in the jars nod in agreement.

Rachel in the Diary Room, explaining why she picked Matty. “This way Monet gets the hell out of this house. She’s gotta go.” We also learn that no one has spoken to Rachel about using her Indoor Voice. Does she yell like this because the slot machines are so loud in Vegas?

Matty in the Diary Room: “I’m just sittin’ pretty and waiting for Monet to go home. I totally orchestrated everything.” The Brigade “is a powerhouse alliance.” Then he and Lane high-five in the pantry room after Matty fondles a phallic-shaped vegetable.

Cut to Britney, crying in one of the rooms while a lonesome country instrumental plays in the background. Monet comes in, face all scrunched up, wailing as well. “I hate everyone in this house.” Then they itemize all the stupid people around them, especially Rachel. Monet: “She’s lucky she didn’t get my fist upside her head.” You so street, girl. Not.

Matty comes in, acting like he was totally surprised by his nomination. Then he rants about how Rachel and Brendon are going to get what’s coming to them. (In the Diary Room: “I’m just having a little fun with them until Monet gets kicked out of the house.” You know what, dude? I want Monet to go, but your little “I’m untouchable” ego is getting on my nerves. Just shut up and wait for the vote.)

Hayden in the Diary room, slurring about his showmance with Kristen. (Apparently there had been some wine at some point.) Kristen, in her Taxi Cab, I mean Diary Room confession, confirms that her woman parts are all tingly about Hayden. Then we see some night-vision scenes where they paw at each other, during which Kristen apparently, um, heads south for the winter.

Andrew in the Diary Room: “Who do they think they’re foolin? I’m five feet away. It’s like trying to fall asleep listening to a dirty movie.”

Rachel approaches Kristen and Hayden, babbling about Britney and Monet thinking they have Kristen’s vote. This appears to be a surprise to Kristen as she wears her over-sized chic sunglasses inside the house. “That’s a joke. Who told you that?” Rachel: “Britney.”

Cut to the Diary Room. Rachel fesses that she totally made that up, just wanting to see where Kristen stands. Girl, don’t tell needless lies like that. Bite you on the ass, sayin.

Later, Kristen confronts Britney on the patio. Did you say something about having my vote? Britney, twirling her hair because she just can’t stop touching herself: “I never said that or even thought it.” More discussion. Britney calls Monet over. Then Kristen releases the first round in the civil war. “I just don’t want Matt to think I’m against him.”

Monet, indignant: “Why?”

Kristen: “Because Matt doesn’t deserve to go home over you. That‘s the bottom line.”

Uh oh. (Kathy stubs out her cigarette and races into the house to find Rachel, who is sprawled out on one of the beds and pretending to be Norma Jean Baker. “I guess you should go talk to Britney.”)

Rachel impresses me very much by marching out to the patio, and telling Monet exactly why she’s on the block. You’re gunning for me, you won ten thousand dollars, and you haven’t talked to me in 13 days. Monet whines about “I didn’t say that it was personal” (not to Rachel’s face, but you did) and “Don’t come out here like I’m a bitch.” Look, Delusionetta, you ARE. But Rachel comes back with this perfect retort: “I never said you were a bitch. I don’t call girls bitches, actually, Monet. Because I don’t use that derogatory term.”

Which leaves Monet standing there looking like an idiot, and Britney trying to burrow under her chair, because every other word out of their mouths is that exact term.

Requisite scene with Monet bawling in the Diary Room and threatening to punch Rachel. Poor thing. It’s tough when people call you out. Boo hoo.

Quick scene with Julie. Monet’s back is against the wall, but with a pawn on the block, anything is possible. True. But maybe what you should actually say is “with Big Brother editing, anything can SEEM possible.”

Britney and Rachel in the HOH. Britney is basically trying save herself from being a future target, sobbing and such. Rachel, feeling bad and thinking that maybe she can turn Britney around to her side, spills that Matty volunteered to go up as a pawn. (Oh no.) “Because I wanted to put Andrew up.” (Oh no, part two.)

Britney’s eyes light up. (And her tears instantly dry, so that was all fake.) “Did Matt tell you he wouldn’t come after you or Brendon?” Rachel: “Yep.” Britney, laughing: “Matt’s playing the game, Rachel. He has been acting like he is SO pissed at you for putting him up.”

Rachel’s jaw drops and her eyes narrow. Here we go.

And she decides to call a house meeting.

Everybody gathers in the couch room, except Andrew who is observing a religious holiday. Rachel: “I feel like someone is playing both sides of the house right now.” She fesses that Matt approached her about using him as a pawn. Matt tries to lie about it, but Brendon has Rachel’s back. Monet goes ballistic with Matt, accusing him of lying about being mad over the nomination.

Matt keeps lying as tempers boil and voices rise (we see a brief shot of Andrew losing his place with the religious ceremony in the other room). Matt says Rachel and Brendon were pressuring him. (Dude, you came up with that pawn thing out of NOWHERE.) Rachel: “Did you, or did you not, tell Rachel and Britney that you were coming after us?”

Matt: “Yes. If anyone in this house thinks you two shouldn’t be targets for next week, they’re idiots for sure.” Then everything explodes. People are hollering like it’s a tailgate party at the Dallas Cowboys stadium. Matt just keeps lying about what took place. Then he claims that he’s not in an alliance. “Anybody here wanna say I’m in an alliance with them?”

Crickets chirp as The Brigade members stare at the ground. Then Enzo, because he doesn’t have any sense, claims there “isn’t another side of the house”. Right. Dude, that’s another ass-biter. Just keep your mouth shut. Even though I don’t like you. Then Monet storms off, saying that the performance Matty gave when he said he was mad about the nomination was off the charts, and he will come after every one of you.

Wow.

Back to Julie with the irritating live studio audience. She talks to the houseguests as they nervously wait in the couch room. She asks her normal inane questions and we don’t learn anything of interest, with everybody pretending to be friends even though they aren’t.

Brief scene with Julie interviewing Rachel in the HOH Room. She basically laughs a lot, but says that if she had to choose between the money or Brendon, she would take her man. Awww. But really, a two-week love affair versus 500K? Uh….

The nominees make their “save me” speeches. Monet’s is really short. Vote what you think is best. Matty goes on much longer, doing the homeboy thing and calling Julie “The Chenbot”, which she really hates, so you know that she pushed the secret button on that dang controller thing she’s always carrying, sending a signal to have him crushed in a painful way.

Time to vote.

7 people vote for Monet. Britney and Kathy (interesting) vote for Matt. The Kathy vote puts a little flame to the Internet rumors that Kathy is Britney’s mom, and is therefore the “prior relationship” in the house. Anyway, Monet is going bye-bye. And she bolts out of the house, not even bothering to hug Britney. Because she’s such a good sport.

Julie calls her on that. What up? Monet told Britney and Kathy goodbye before the ceremony, because she didn’t want to spend any of her departure time with people who didn’t vote to keep her. (Cop-out.) Julie: “Do you regret any of the horrible things you said about Rachel?” Monet: “Not especially.”

Then go home, girl. And see what your momma thinks about all this.

Time for the live Head of Household competition.

We have folks standing on surfboards sticking out of a wall. Basically, you just have to stay on it. But there’s a catch. The first five to tumble will be the “Haves” for the next week, meaning all the food, wine and Alka-Seltzer that they want. The next five will be the “Have Nots”, with the last dropper being HOH. Ready, go!

Water starts pouring on them, making things all slippery. Instantly, Britney complains about the water, Matty thinks he can control the water because he’s in Mensa, Lane isn’t sure what water IS, Kathy hopes the water doesn’t put her cigarette out, and Enzo wants the water to call him “Meow-Meow.”

Julie: “It’s going to be a LONG night.”

Roll end credits.

#140 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 6

First we have the usual review of last episode (lies, backstabbing, tanned bodies), then we have Britney in the Diary Room, not happy about Rachel’s reason for nominating her: “Using alliances is bullcrap.” Honey, this show is all ABOUT alliances. Pay attention.

Monet in the Diary Room: “Rachel feels threatened by me.” No, she just doesn’t like you.

Hayden in the Diary Room: The Brigade is safe. “No one knows about us.” Sadly, this appears to be true.

Rachel and Brendon in the HOH room, right after the nominations. Rachel: “Did I do good?” Brendon nods, then they have sex.

Cut to Britney crying in the swamp room, all sad. “Nobody is going to save me!” Um, you need to save YOURSELF. Seriously, do you not understand this game at all? Then Monet and her hair come in. Rachel nominating us was “strictly personal. She just doesn’t like us.” (Right, see above.) Britney: “I was NICE to her.” No, you weren’t. Monet: “She’s a stupid hooker.”

Yet these girls can’t figure out why people wouldn’t like them. Please.

Matty, Hayden and Lane, being all bro in one of the rooms, hoping the nominations stick. “We gotta win the Veto!” Then they run out of things to say, because thinking’s hard.

Rachel approaches Britney: “Wanna go talk?” (See, that’s sweet. Britney should be doing the approaching, but instead she chooses to pout on a deck chair in her designer crywear.) Anyway, they go to the HOH Room. Rachel: “I didn’t know WHAT to do. But my goal is to get Monet.” (Oops, Rachel, bad move.) Britney, for once being non-lethargic, races to the Diary Room. “I will KEEP Monet!” Good luck with that.

Back to the HOH Room, where Rachel is sobbing to Brendon over the trials of being queen. “It’s hard! I’m, like, MEAN!” Brendon: “It’s only a game.” Then they have sex.

Britney and Monet, apparently on another show. Britney: “Rachel is SO jealous of you!” Monet: “Cuz I’m not a skanky-ass ho!” Then they proceed to rip and tear at everybody and everything. This is where you want Julie Chen to kick down the door, march through the house, slap them both, and then say “I am using my powers as a goddess to evict both of you, NOW! You’re just too annoying.”

Andrew and Matty are discussing marriages, because it’s been two weeks in the house and they’ve already talked about everything else, when Matty starts babbling about his wife having a serious “bone condition”. That’s why he’s here, because his insurance won’t pay for an operation she needs. Touching, right? Trouble is, Matty reveals in the Diary Room that he’s totally making this up. Such a nice guy.

Matty decides to really milk this fake angle. He runs about the house, telling everyone who will listen that his wife is about to lose her leg. (Britney surprises me by actually seeming to care about another person. Ragan, in the Diary Room, thinks Matty’s heroic efforts are amazing and beautiful, but then my people always go for the drama, so his input doesn’t really count.) Matty even has a doom-sounding name for his wife’s non-condition, some phrase he picked up while watching the Disease TV channel.

Matty in the Diary Room: If he wins, he will make a donation to the society that is trying to find a cure for this disease “for letting me exploit” them. And he’s not worried about being found out. “Andrew’s a shoe salesman, not a doctor.”

Andrew, who is a doctor and not a shoe salesman, in the Diary Room: He’s never heard of this disease. Hmm.

Time for the Power of Veto competition. First, the HOH and the two nominees draw names. Britney gets Enzo, Monet gets Lane, and Rachel gets a “houseguest’s choice”. She giggles and squeals and of course picks Brendon. This display sends Britney over the edge. (In the Diary Room: “I’m dumber having watched it.” Sugar, you got to dumb all on your own, don’t blame people from Vegas.)

Anyway, the six of them get dressed up like stock-brokers, then everybody tromps out to the courtyard. For this gig, they have to stick their hands and head into some stocks, then hold a briefcase in one hand. Whoever can hang on to that briefcase and get closest to an hour without going over wins. (Monet in the Diary Room: “Okay, 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour, so I just have to count to 1,200!” You do that, Monet. Your math skills suck, but go right ahead.)

So they get going, and it’s fairly boring at first, because they’re just standing there, sweating. To create at least some excitement, the producers turn on these little whirly things that cause a laminated dollar bill to gently slap the contestants in the face. (Lane: “At first I thought, it’s a mini-fan! Yay! Then I thought, it’s just an annoying dollar.)

And Britney, with another Diary Room session on another planet: “I would never put a real dollar to my face. Most of those come out of strippers’ g-strings.” Yes, folks, she said that. What is Britney’s obsession with hookers and strippers? Shady past? Missed calling? Momma played slap and tickle on a professional level so Britney could have Cheerios for breakfast?

The wonderment continues. Lane, in the Diary Room, says he’s never been locked in stocks before, but that “I have woken up with one hand tied.” Really? I think I might like to hear a little bit more about that, but no further details are given.

Eventually, the suitcases start dropping. Surprisingly, everyone goes OVER the hour except for Britney.

Britney in the Diary Room: “I’m all safe now!” And the nation weeps.

Lane in the Diary Room: “The Brigade truck just blew another tire.” That boy sure is colorful, eh?

Rachel in the Diary Room: “Now I have to make another enemy. This is horrible!” Then she thinks about having sex with Brendon.

Britney and Monet back in the swamp room, where they hatch a plan to convince Rachel to put up Andrew, promising that they won’t go after Rachel and Brendon for at least two weeks. Total lies, of course, they fully intend to get Rachel as soon as possible. But at least the maggots in the swamp room are in good company at the moment.

Rachel and Brendon are in the HOH room, about to start or just finishing up having the sex, when Monet buzzes. Brendon runs like the wind. Monet wants to cut a deal. What can I do? Rachel: “Tell me who is coming after Brendon and me.” Monet: “Andrew is after you” (Lie.) “You and Brendon are not my target.” (Lie.) Rachel: “Let me think about it.” Poor Rachel. Sharper tools in the shed and all.

Enzo, Hayden and Lane, off in some room, freaking out about some possible backdoor nominations when Britney comes off the block. Hayden plays with some lip gloss the entire time, enjoying it far more than seems natural. Doesn’t he know that stuff comes out of strippers’ g-strings?

Why does Rachel have to yell every time she’s in the Diary Room? Indoor voice, please.

Rachel and Brendon in the HOH Room, sexual activity status unknown. Rachel: “What if I put Andrew up?” Brendon: “How can you trust Britney and Monet?” Rachel: “I don’t trust them, but…” Brendon: “We don’t want this to come back and haunt us.” Dramatic music plays so we can understand how traumatic decision-making can be.

Britney and Monet, giggling in the swamp, thinking they all smart and stuff.

Rachel and Brendon in the HOH Room, talking to Matty and Ragan. Rachel: “I need you to vote Monet out. I’m putting Andrew up as a pawn.” Matty: “You’d have a better shot at Monet if you put ME up.” Ragan instantly wets himself at this startling and probably stupid move. (Matty in the Diary Room: This will get Rachel and Brendon’s trust, and the Brigade will love me for doing it.) Brendon: “What do you want?” Matty: “Make it clear at the Veto Ceremony that I’m a pawn.”

Well, then.

Matty runs to tell the Brigade, and there is love and fellowship. Ragan goes to change his pants.

Rachel and Brendon in the HOH Room. Brendon: “Andrew will not come after us. I KNOW this.” Rachel: “I don’t trust Matty. I’m suspicious of what he’s doing.” Lo and behold, Andrew stops by. He just wanted to let them know “you will lose a supporter if you put me up”. Brendon and Rachel pause for a moment, and you know they’re both thinking of jock straps.

Then Brendon starts to work on making a deal with Andrew, which irritates Rachel. She stops the discussion, politely asks Andrew to leave, and then she and Brendon get into it. He shouldn’t be making the deals, she should. (True.) She needs to think about the implications of putting Andrew up. (True.) In fact, Brendon is pushing so hard about being able to trust Andrew, that I wonder: Are Brendon and Andrew the two people in the house that knew each other before? After all, they have the same hair color, so it’s entirely possible, because the BB producers could consider this a “relationship”.

Anyway, things get a little heated, and Brendon finally mutters “I’m done discussing this.” He grabs his things and runs out the door. Because that’s the mature way to handle it.

Brendon in the Diary Room: “I hope Rachel makes the right decision.” Me too. But Brendon, what up with you and Andrew? Hmm?

Shot of Rachel, crying in the HOH bed, because no one is having sex with her at the moment.

Veto Ceremony.

Britney takes her bitter butt off the block, natch.

Rachel: This was a really hard decision, but I’ve got to put you up, Matty. “I’ve been working to make sure you are being used as a pawn.”

Brief shot of Monet on the verge of homicide. Or something. Her face is hard to read with all that hair.

Matty in the Diary Room: “I’m a diabolical super-genius.” If this is the same thing as “liar”, then yes, you are.

Britney in the Diary Room: “All this work for nothing!” Work? You cried in the swamp room while Monet went to the negotiating table.

Ragan in the Diary Room: “Everybody knows, pawns early in the game walk out the door.”

Yes, they do.

End credits.

#139 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 5

We start out with a trembling Tara standing in the foyer of Russell’s stately manor, while queeny Talbot is sniffing about and trying to determine her vintage. Franklin is fiddling with with Tara’s couture, and we can’t quite tell if he’s just making her presentable for society or if he’s prepping her for the dinner table.

Then we hear a clatter, and Russell, Lorena and Bill come strolling around the corner, giggling like school girls, belching while stripper blood drips from their chins.

Tara spies Bill.

Bill spies Tara.

Uh oh.

Roll opening credits. Ugly people, horny rednecks doing the lambada in some pool hall, and a fervent gospel choir bursting with praise and the after-effects of covered-dish picnics.

Still in the crowded foyer. Franklin is babbling about how Tara wants nothing more in the world than to be with him. (This is news to Tara.) Talbot does not care for unexpected guests, especially when they seem to have lost their minds. (This is news to Tara.) Bill has no intention of helping Tara out her jam. (This is probably the most surprising news to Tara. She is not pleased with the revelation.)

Russell and Franklin go off into the study.

Bill and Lorena go off somewhere so that he can continue not helping Tara.

Russell and Franklin, where Russ is paying Franklin for some errand he performed. (“You are a freak, but you do a good job.”) But why do you want Tara? Franklin: “She’s messed up like me!” (Well, that’s always a solid basis for a relationship.) Russell: Anyway, the Sookie thing? How are we going to get her here from Bon Temps? Franklin smiles. She’s right here in Jackson.

Lorena and Bill on a convenient staircase landing that allows plenty of room for cameras. She’s still deranged, telling Bill that he can flirt all he wants with other fish, but in the end “you’ll be mine”. Bill doesn’t have time for this, so he gets all huffy, yelling “You’ve played yourself into a corner, you tiresome cow.”

Love is in the air. Every sight and every sound.

Sookie and Alcide are in the car, barreling down the highway after escaping the ruckus at Lupine’s where Debbie was disappointed to learn that ceremonial sacrifice isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sookie provides some amusing commentary concerning death by Mississippi pothole, which causes Alcide to slow down as well as reflect on his ex-girlfriend. “Debbie wasn’t so bad.” Sookie couldn’t be less interested in trashy Debbie right now. “That Russell guy? He knows where Bill is.” Alcide: “You stay away from Russell!”

Which means, of course, that Sookie will be running to Russell as soon as possible.

Back to the very busy foyer, where Talbot is overly proud of being the “royal consort”. (This, of course, just means “whore”. ) A group of guys bang through the doors, with Eric in the middle. Eric confronts Russell. “I’m looking for Bill. He’s wanted for selling vampire blood.” Russell: “Oh really? Let’s ask him.”

Bill waltzes around the corner. Russell grins wickedly at Eric. “We know it’s YOUR queen doing the selling” And by the way, Bill works for me now, which will hopefully make you feel even worse about unannounced arrivals at my plantation.

Eric’s first thought? “OMG, Sookie’s back on the market!” His second? Better fess up to these people, cause they mean and I’m sure somebody around here is a telepath. He admits that he accused Bill just to protect his queen. Now that we’re best friends, what are we going to do about The Magister? Russell smiles. “Spend the night. We’ll talk in the morning.”

Sookie wakes up at Alcide’s, and she overhears him fighting with Debbie in the other room. Sookie marches in there to make people behave the way she wants them to. This backfires, and Debbie turns on Sookie, yelling and such. Sookie is not pleased with this, so she reads Debbie’s tiny mind and tells Alcide what she discovers. Sadly, Sookie learns that crack-head Debbie doesn’t know where Bill is.

Back to the manor born, where Franklin is tying Tara to a bed, because he’s not crazy at all. Tara tries being nice to him, mainly because there aren’t a lot of options on the menu. Then Franklin gets all incensed about texts that Tara has been getting from Lafayette. Then he shows us how vampires speed text. Twice.

Back in Bon Temps, Kenya and some dweeby officer are talking about nothing at the police station. Jason wanders up, all Sunday-School clean. “I’m here to work.” Kenya is not impressed, and yells for “acting Chief of Police Andy Bellefleur” to get his butt in here right now. Embarrassed Andy sets up Jason at an office desk, which saddens Jason, because he really wants to be out in the field, waving a gun while them music plays.

Cut to Sam’s twisted new family moving into the house he is providing for them until they “get back on their feet,” which really means never. There’s some kind of anger thing going on with Nasty Daddy and Brother Tommy, but it’s not clear. Terry drives up, sporting odd new highlights in his hair, hops out, and tells Sam the he’s taking the plunge and moving in with Arlene. Lo and behold, she just happens to live next door, making it very convenient for the scriptwriters and the set decorators.

Arlene wanders out of her house, looking all trashy, and whines. This somehow inspires Sam to hire Nasty Daddy as a handyman. Evil music plays on the soundtrack, so I’m assuming Nasty Daddy either doesn’t care for manual labor or killed someone while pretending to snake some tenant’s toilet.

Quick scene with Tara trying to chew through her bonds while Franklin snores beside her, meaning she’s either really hungry or is late for an appointment.

Sookie is doing her nails at Alcide’s, because that’s really critical, when she reads Alcide and learns that he’s headed off to meet something called the “pack master”. She wants to go with, please. And don’t argue.

Cut back to Jason, bored out of his mind at his desk and fiddling with paper clips. He goes to Andy and complains that this non-activity is “sucking the life out of me”. Andy ponders the complaint, considers options, then smiles.

Back at the manor house, Tara has chewed her way to temporary freedom, so she and her frilly nightie slip down the stairs and out the front door. She runs like the wind. Sadly, so does the werewolf that spots her and gives chase. (Nothing racist about showing a frightened black girl in skimpy clothing running away from a plantation while being chased by baying hounds, right?) The wolf knocks her to the ground, and then transitions back into Cooter. Uh oh. (And how is it that so many of these werewolves have such remarkable human chests?)

Lafayette and Tommy are smoking cigars outside Merlotte’s, because it seemed like fun, when Jesus (the guy from Laff’s Mom’s nursing home, not the son of God) walks up. Laff makes Tommy go inside, because apparently shape-shifters shouldn’t see what’s about to happen. Turns out it’s Jesus’ day off, and he drove over here just to see Laff, special. They make googly eyes, but then Laff: “I’m working right now.” Jesus: “Then I’ll just hang till you get off. It’s only 9 hours.”

Well, then.

Sookie and Alcide are talking to the Pack Master on an abandoned road, because I guess the real set wasn’t ready yet. Packie tells Alcide “do nothing, tell no one”. That Russell guy has had a pack of evil werewolves protecting him for centuries. Sookie reads him, then tells Alcide: “Let him go. He’s afraid.”

Cut to Jason washing one of the cop cars, all wet and shirtless, with soaked jeans riding so low you can nearly tell his religion. A girl drives slowly by in a truck. Hey, it’s that “vision chick” from the drug bust night when Jason decided he wanted to join the Po-po. Jason hops in the squad car to chase her down, and “Dukes of Hazzard” music starts playing on the soundtrack. This is a very subtle show, yes?

He finally pulls her over, they flirt and chat for a bit, but I don’t really catch all of it. (Did I mention that Jason was wet and shirtless?) Turns out her name is Crystal, she’s a little stand-offish for as-yet-unknown reasons, but she definitely likes the way Jason dresses. He asks her to meet him at Merlotte’s, but she doesn’t really seem interested and drives away because she needs to get the mayo in the fridge.

Over to Merlotte’s, where Jesus is watching Laff cook in a lustful manner, Jessie is nice to newly-hired Tommy, Arlene is mean to Jessie for no reason, and Jessie glamors the next diners who walk in the door, telling them NOT to tip their waitress.

Hoyt wanders in with some new girlie and they take a booth, where we instantly dislike the new tramp. (“I can’t wait to have babies!”) Jessie gets sad watching this, Tommy notices and queries her about the Hoyt thing. (“That’s a giant sixth-grade boy right there.”) Jessie smiles forlornly. “He’s really sweet.” Aww. Then Tommy gets a call, and it’s Nasty Daddy telling him to get home right now. Tommy hangs up on him.

Back to Franklin and the re-captured Tara. Franklin: “Why?” Tara: “Dude, I’m afraid of you.” Franklin bursts into tears, slobbering all over the place and making himself even uglier, even though I didn’t think this was possible. Tara goes to Plan B. “Wait, I’m not afraid of YOU, I’m afraid of… this place. So many vampires.” Franklin’s bloody tears instantly dry up. “I’ll never let them touch you.” Then he tries to caress her gently, but all he really does his jack up her hair even further.

Downstairs, Russell and Bill are going over the Stackhouse family tree that Franklin basically stole from Bill’s house. Russell: “Have you been playing track the telepath?” (Why would he do that? He was sleeping with one. She was right there.) Cooter comes in, and Russell asks him about the guard. Bill gets a quizzical look. Something is up.

Jason is at Merlotte’s and Andy shows, brimming with good news. He got them to wave everything so Jason can be a police officer. Well, there’s still the physical exam. Jason whoops and grins. Oh, and the written test. Jason pouts.

Quick scene with Lafayette and Jesus playing pool. Passions grow as pool cues plunge.

Tommy asks Sam if he can crash at Sam’s place tonight. Sure, as long as you tell your folks. Tommy promises too quickly. Sam: “You’re lying. What does Joe Lee (Nasty Daddy) want from you? Tommy stares at the ground. Either it’s too horrible to speak of or he forgot his lines.

Bill is in his room at the manor, where he is apparently being held. Cooter comes in and starts saying graphic and annoying things. Displeased, Bill starts to beat the crap out of him. “Where is Sookie?!?”

Merlotte’s again. Sad Jason and his inability to pass written exams are leaving the building. Crystal wanders up, but she’s scared to go inside. “In fact, I shouldn’t be anywhere near you. I can’t explain.” Jason offers alternate entertainment plans for the evening. “Walk with me.” So they wander into the woods, and he eventually takes her hand. Before you know it, they are kissing passionately by some moonlit water while Enya sings on the soundtrack.

Jason: “You’re an outdoor girl like me.” (Um.) “Those things you can’t talk about, I don’t care.” Crystal: “I’ve never been happier than right now.” (Guess she doesn’t get out much.) More Enya on the soundtrack.

Back to the manor, where Russell is rushing out the door. Eric: “Can I help?” Russell: “No. Play with Talbot.” As he scoots out the door, Lorena wanders down the staircase, yelling “You!” at Eric like she’s Bette Davis discovering deceit in her family. Eric and Talbot don’t care, and go off to another room to do the playing.

Sam and Tommy kicking back at Sam’s and drinking beer, so you know something horrible is going to happen. Sure enough, there’s rude pounding on the door, and it’s Joe Lee. He is beside himself with wild anger, trying to drag Tommy out of there. But Sam does not sign off on that idea, so he scuffles with Joe Lee until Nasty Daddy settles down and leaves. Sam to Tommy: “What the hell?”

Manor again, where Tara is sitting at a dining table, crying. Franklin flits in and inquires as to why so blue. Tara is starving to death, but all the staff brought to her was a bowl of flowers. Tara: “We need to talk. You have to remember that I’m alive. I have needs. Like food.” Fine. Franklin says they’ll go out to a nice dinner. To celebrate. Before I turn you. Tara: Say what? Franklin: “Will you be my vampire bride?”

That tiny little squeak was Tara’s sphincter slamming shut.

Talbot and Eric are in some room looking at ancient Japanese porn. Eric is then transfixed by what appears to be a crown. Talbot doesn’t seem to care, probably because he can’t see his reflection in it, but Eric seems to recognize it quite well. It’s a Viking crown.

Flashback, way long ago. Presumably Viking times, based on the previous scene. Otherwise that scene was pointless. Anyway, we see Eric and his parents, obviously human, sitting in some darkened hall, drinking wine and munching on leg of horse or something. Daddy starts to counsel Eric, telling him he needs to “learn to be king!”. In typical dysfunctional dad-son dealings, Eric stomps off to go have sex with one of the milkmaids.

Suddenly there’s screaming, and werewolves are attacking. Mom dies right away, so she was kind of useless, but Eric and Dad do their best. But Dad is mortally wounded before Eric chases the Big Bads away. In the melee, Eric sees that Nazi symbol thing on one of the dead wolves. Then a mysterious hooded figure takes the crown the dad was wearing and marches into the snow.

Parting words from dying dad: “You are king now. You know what to do.”

Eric: “Vengeance.”

Back to the present, where Sookie is sitting in a darkened room at Alcide’s, looking forlorn. Alcide calls her into the other room, and she discovers Bill standing there. Great joy! She hugs him, but Bill has more pressing matters. “You have to go now. There is no hope for me.”

Then Cooter and the Gang arrives, with Russell all up in the grill. Lots of chaos, and people dashing about. Cooter tries to capture Sookie, but when she lays hands on him, we have some of that exciting electro-shock therapy that we haven’t seen since Mary Ann was handing out weed to everyone who stopped by her casa.

Russell laughs. “Fantastic!”

Sookie just glares at him. She mad.

Roll end credits.

#138 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 5

So we have the typical review of last episode’s mayhem, with some disconcerting scenes concerning a smoke bomb that Annie apparently set off as her final act of Saboteur-ishness. First, we didn’t see such. Yes, we had about two seconds of the houseguests going “hey, what is THAT?” and the show was over. Be fair, montage people. Don’t tell me I saw something when I know I didn’t. And second, Miss Annie, is that how you really want to be remembered? As someone who does things that makes people run screaming from a room?

Opening credits, with Annie’s face all black-and-white to show that she has been booted. And that she has anger management issues.

Rachel in the Diary Room: “I’m still here! Brendon’s still here!” Let’s make babies!

Enzo in the Diary Room: Annie’s eviction was “a grenade from The Brigade”. Wonder how long it took him to come up with that line? I’m guessing that he had help.

Scene with Brendon fessing up to the rest of the house. Okay, Annie was right about my occupation. I really am a scientist and I have a bunch of degrees from different colleges. Most of them just stare at him, because they think a college is a collection of pictures and that “degrees” have something to do with temperature.

Then we have scenes of Andrew, right after Rachel won HOH, jumping and clapping like Cindy Brady after too much sugar. He’s just a little bit too happy that Rachel won. Fallout will ensue.

Britney in the Diary Room: She’s bitter, and whining about everything. This girl has slid from “hey, I think I kind of like her for making that gay-positive statement in the first episode” to “that mess has got to go”. In fact, I think she broke a record with her plummet in my personal rankings.

While we’re on the subject of who needs to be escorted from the building, let’s chat about Enzo. What planet does this guy live on? I’m assuming it’s one where people have told him lies about how valuable he might be. On Earth, he’s just a guy from Jersey who misunderstands that “The Sopranos” is not about him. Or anyone in his family.

Scene with Matty and Enzo, both of them whining about Rachel being HOH and how this is somehow against the laws of nature. Um, you didn’t win the HOH competition. You lost. Get over it. And while you’re getting over it, speak to a counselor who specializes in illusions of grandeur.

Then Rachel and Brendon wander off to an abandoned room, where they proceed to have semi-sex while discussing strategy. Rachel: “I can’t use the HOH for revenge. I need to secure more of the house.” Then passion overwhelms them and the camera cuts away, because no one needs to see that much fake magenta hair whipping around in ecstasy.

Enzo and Britney. Enzo: Andrew is in an alliance with Rachel and Brendon. Britney, using her last ounce of strength to tear herself away from the mirror that she’s been gazing into, agrees.

Monet and Britney are lounging on one of the beds, because helping around the house is only for the common people. Andrew wanders through, and simply says “great game” to them, because they were in the final three of the HOH competition with Rachel. Britney goes ballistic, accusing Andrew of being happy that Rachel won. Andrew, being honest, agrees. Yes, I was happy. Britney unleashes a torrent of discontent while Monet runs off to speak to a therapist about people being happy for someone that is not Monet.

What is WRONG with these people?

Time for Rachel to reveal her newly-decorated HOH Room. The rest of the house tromps upstairs, frowning because they really expected Rachel to be gone by now. To be fair, Rachel is just a little bit too exuberant about her new digs, with that annoying squealing and laughing, but it doesn’t justify Britney in the Diary Room, where she trashes all things Rachel. Britney, honey, when you go home, and you will, you need to watch the tapes of the show and understand why your Momma should not be proud of you.

Lane and Hayden, whining about Rachel being HOH. Hayden: Brendon is the real HOH this week. Really, Hayden? Like Enzo was the real HOH when YOU were supposedly in charge? Why you hatin’?”

Scene with Matty, Hayden and Kristen, where Hay and Kris compare birthmarks because boredom has already settled over the house. We learn that Hayden thinks Kristen is really, really, really hot. Really.

Cut to the patio, where we have just Hayden and Kristen, because the BB producers just love themselves a showmance. Kristen: “I’m a complicated person.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “I’m used to just smiling and the girls come to me.” Really? With all that hair, how can you see if they are even coming toward you or not?) Kristen: “I don’t like cocky guys.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “We have good chemistry.” Maybe Hayden should look up the word “chemistry”. Just don’t ask Enzo, cause he wrong, whatever he says.)

Then we have Britney and Monet, lounging on a deck chair built for two, dissing everybody. They start out hating on Andrew, but within a few minutes they have trashed everyone in the house. Just plain mean stuff. (Britney in the Diary Room: “I hate everybody except Monet.” That’s a good southern girl for ya.) Then Britney stuns me by muttering to Monet: “People are so fake.”

Kettle, black?

Rachel and Hayden in the HOH Room. Rachel: “I feel like you saved me. You are the reason I’m here.” What show is Rachel watching? Because it’s not this one. Hayden soaks up the personal savior angle, because he really does envision himself in that light, as long as it doesn’t get to the “nailed to a giant cross” business. When Hayden fesses to his lust for Kristen, Rachel is inspired. “Hey, what about you, me , Brendon and Kristen in an alliance.” Hayden slams on the brakes. “That’s not a good idea.”

Rachel, if you have any sense left in that boyfriend-addled head of yours, you should pay attention to this reaction. Why WOULDN’T Hayden go for this unless he has something to hide? Instead, she stares off into the distance and tries to figure out what she doesn’t understand.

This takes hours.

Rachel and Matty. Him: “I’m really paranoid!” (Matty in the Diary Room: “I’m not paranoid at all.”) Matty pushes Rachel in Andrew’s direction. “Everybody is saying that Andrew’s in charge and stuff.” Total lie. Rachel in the Diary Room: “I’m a little suspicious about this Matty thing.” Then GO with it, girl.

Time for the Have / Have Not competition.

Basically, there are three teams of four people. One team member gets taped to a wall, then everybody else runs around shooting plastic guns full of colored water at the mounted insects, trying to get the other teams’ specimen to break free and smash their faces in the piled-up pillows.

Ragan is the first to drop, so his team is all sad, but they get to keep squirting, so there’s still a minimal thrill. This leaves Britney and Kathy hanging aloft for their teams. (Britney in the Diary Room: “Shooting water in my face is PERSONAL.” Uh, it’s a game, Dolly Parton Lite without the nice personality. Do you not understand that not everyone is a marksman, and there will be some stray water?)

Apparently she doesn’t, so she starts complaining that she can’t breathe because the strips of tape are cutting off her oxygen. (In my book, this is called “thinning the herd”, but that’s just me.) So people rush to cut loose Bitter Britney, thereby making the remaining Orange Team the winner.

In a fun twist, the winning team gets to pick four people from the other two teams to be the “have nots” and thereby live a life of suckiness for the rest of the week. They choose Britney, Monet, Brendon and Enzo. (Britney cries in the Diary Room, because it’s not fair that she has to suffer for her inability to win. Did this skank not go to public school?)

Everybody piles back in the house, where we learn that America has voted that the losing four have to dine on fish sticks and fruitcake. And actually, the losers think this is just fine, because they all love fish sticks. Except Britney. In the Diary Room, she lets us know that the concept of putting processed fish pieces into her mouth makes her want to vomit.

Hate her. Seriously.

Then we have another Darth video, with people racing to see the latest even though WE know this is going to be the last one. The Saboteur is revealed as Annie, and she graciously signs off with “good luck and no hard feelings”. The house screams with joy that they don’t have to worry about this angle anymore. (Enzo in the Diary Room: “I knew it was her!” No, you didn’t. Schmuck.)

Britney goes to see Rachel in the HOH room. Britney: “I would NEVER have put you up if I was HOH.” (Britney in the Diary Room: “Yes, I would have.”) Then Britney pushes for Andrew to go up on the block, and then threatens Rachel that if she puts her up, she will come after Rachel. Methinks that Rachel should loan Britney her “hot mess” t-shirt.

Then Monet visits Rachel, with the same basic crap. Monet swears that she would never put up Rachel and Brendon if she were HOH, then has a Diary Room session where she says the opposite. Monet also pushes for an Andrew eviction, as well as a floater. (Gee, Monet, wouldn’t that be YOU?)

Rachel, Brendon and Hayden in the HOH room. Rachel to Hayden: “Are you on our side or not?” Brendon: “What happened last week is old news.” Hayden and his hair: “I’ll vote whatever you want. As long as you put up Britney and Monet.”

Right there, Rachel and Brendon, warning signs should have gone off in your sex-fogged brains. Hayden is TELLING you what to do. But YOU are in charge. Sadly, Rachel has done too many high-kicks on Vegas stages and Brendon has spent too much time with test tubes for me to feel confident they will figure things out.

Rachel in the Diary Room: “I’m so confused! I just want to get out whoever’s gunning for us!” Well, Magenta Shag Cut, that would be everybody.

Nomination Ceremony.

Rachel gets right to it, and we learn that Britney and Monet are on the block.

Britney in the Diary Room: “The odds keep getting harder and harder. I don’t understand.” Then she bursts into tears and blames everything on being pre-menstrual. Seriously. Well, let me help you out, then. Perhaps if you hadn’t spent your entire time in the house trashing everything that moved, you might be in a better place. You’re from Arkansas. Bill Clinton could charm the chrome off a tailpipe. Did you not pay attention when he was your governor FIVE TIMES? Learn to get along with people.

Monet in the Diary Room: “I don’t like Rachel.” Big surprise. Next.

Rachel in the Diary Room: “These girls will not feel bad about back-stabbing me. That’s why they’re up.” Finally, some honesty and realness. Then she rushes into the arms of the man that will probably dump her as soon as the cameras are turned off.

Final shot is of Britney and Monet in yet another abandoned room, boo-hooing and clutching at each other like somebody just mentioned that they might have to work for a living.

The Brigade needs to be busted up, stat. But for now, it’s fine if Britney has to pack her designer bag and make the Prada walk of shame. Sayin.

#137 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 4

Oh look, Julie’s here, so it must be Eviction Night. That girls works SO hard, putting in that whole one hour a week of face time. I’m sure she’s very tired, poor thing. And we also have the live audience going on, which always gets on my nerves. I’m assuming there’s a Starbucks located in the studio, because these people will scream and applaud for anything, even if Julie just says “Hi, it’s Thursday!”

Anyway, Julie launches into some mess about The Saboteur. (The producers are really pushing this angle, despite my strong dissatisfaction with the concept.) And we get to find out who he or she is tonight. Woohoo! (The audience practically impales themselves on each other at this bit of news.) Then Julie mentions that it’s Day 13 in the house.

Day 13? And we’re just now getting to our first eviction? Hmmm.

Live shot of Rachel, sitting in one of the nomination chairs. Girl has some serious hair. And a hair stylist who apparently trained at Home Depot. In the weed-eater section.

Britney in the Diary Room, babbling about Rachel: “She’s psycho!” Interesting. But why you tryin to do all that home girl mess with the hand movements and the frontin? You’re not exactly Stable Mable, either.

Scene with Annie and Andrew. Annie: “Britney’s running around telling lies!” See, maybe it’s because I don’t watch Big Brother After Dark, where you get to see drunk people act all dumb-ass, but I don’t see Britney doing any of that. Mostly she just lays around and makes sure that her outfit matches the upholstery.

More shots of Annie storming through the house and not being gracious about getting put on the block. She’s snapping at everybody and closing doors with more force than necessary. This is not how you need to act if you’re going to save your butt. That sound you hear is the rest of the astonished house realizing that there’s not enough medication on hand to help that poor child.

Brendon and Rachel in one of the rooms. Brendon: “Annie just shot herself in the foot. You need to just lay low.” Rachel and her hair nod knowingly.

Brendon and Annie in yet another room. She blurts out “I’m going home!” and then actually blames it all on Brendon. “I feel betrayed!” Honey, you messed your own self up. He didn’t do anything to you. He’s sucking face with Rachel. Why would you be on the top shelf? Are you still bitter about the three-way in the hammock that turned into a two-way with a chaperon?

Brendon and Britney, with Brendon still reeling from the Annie meltdown and warning Britney. “Stay away from her.” Britney agrees wholeheartedly, then wonders what she’s going to wear for lunch.

Enzo and Matty, doing the bro thing. They are so stoked about the absolute power they think they have, congratulating themselves and strutting around. Every other word out of their mouths is “Brigade”. I don’t like that word anymore. Ixnay.

Brendon and Annie again, with her trying to make amends, because the manic/depressive thing is now at the other end of the spectrum. Annie: “There’s no way I can get six votes!” Then she cries. Brendon is all nurturing, wiping away her tears and hugging her. Yet I’m still getting a flashback to Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction”.

Brendon and Rachel (Brendon is very busy this episode) in one of the bedrooms, embarking on another round of under-the-blanket loving. We hear some startling squelching noises, but then Brendon brings up Annie and how bad he feels about the situation, because that’s the perfect time to do so. Rachel gets mad, whipping her unnatural hair color around and doing a dismount.

They bicker for a bit, with Rachel getting way more bent out of shape than is justified. She is not happy, and lashes out, leading to Brendon mutter “You’re more concerned with making me feel stupid” than being supportive. Dude, that’s how it works in relationships, even if they are only a week old. Logic does not apply. Couples fight over meaningless, miniscule things. It’s one of the rules.

Side note, Brendon. It might be better for you if Wynona Judd-The Early Years gets sent home. Based on that little flare-up of obsession and anger, she could quickly turn into some sticky dead weight that will drag you down. Word.

Back to Julie, who has the results of the viewer poll about who they think The Saboteur might be. No surprise, it’s Kathy. She’s horrible in competitions (how many times did they show her sliding of that damn wiener?), and her over-use of mascara automatically marks her as a villain. The live audience turns handsprings and bellows, because they really don’t get out much.

Then Julie says she’ll reveal the actual Saboteur right after the commercial break. She tries to wink slyly, but that would mean showing actual emotion, and her body just won’t allow her to do that.

Commercial break. Ford trucks, something greasy from Taco Bell, the latest prescription drug that will make you not care, and vaginal wash. We truly have become a numb society.

Back to Julie. And The Saboteur is? Annie. We then see shots of perky little Annie running about the house and causing mayhem. She put the lock on the pantry door. She put the X’s on the photo wall. Oh, and some business that we haven’t seen yet. She placed annoying electronic devices in odd places so they can make noise and irritate random people.

So now they catch us up, with shots of flummoxed houseguests (it doesn’t take much) wondering where the hell that NOISE is coming from in the middle of the night. Enzo, irritated: “Meow-Meow has to sleep for at least nine hours.” Jersey Boy, do you not understand how emasculating that stupid nickname is? We can’t take you seriously. Everything out of your mouth is overruled by your mystifying Garfield obsession.

Back to Julie again. “Annie has to dig herself out of the hole she’s in.”

Well, yeah. Bet you producers are staining your pressed linen shirts with all the sweating about your cute little Saboteur concept possibly going down the toilet in the first week. Didn’t really envision that coming, did you?

Darth Vadar is on the monitor with another garbled message for the houseguests. “I escaped the block this time.” At first, the general thought is that The Saboteur must be anyone who didn’t get nominated this week. Then Britney insists on a literal interpretation: The Saboteur was on the block but got off. Meaning it can only be one person. All eyes turn to Brendon. Kill him now!

Annie just sits on the couch and slyly smiles. Things just might work out for her after all. The house might not be able to get Brendon out right now, what with his 13-letter Veto win, but they can sure shoot him in the foot by sending blanket-mate Rachel home.

Annie gets to work with her campaign, especially when she finds Kathy, Enzo, Monet, Britney and Lane lounging on the back deck, bored out of their minds and waiting for anything of interest to happen in the house. Annie casually mentions that Brendon lied about being a scientist in real life. When they all bite, she launches, and even mentions that it would thrill her to send Brendon home next week. That is, if you keep me THIS week. Wink, wink.

Anyway, it’s finally time for the live eviction, with everyone gathered in the couch room. Julie tries to keep things light by asking Enzo a pointless question, something about his Momma’s cooking. No one cares, Julie, and we sure know that YOU don’t. Can we start with the voting?

The girls proceed to plead their case.

Annie starts out fine, all polite yet firm. But then she goes ballistic on Brendon. (Sweetie, he’s not even on the block.) “You LIED to me!… I thought you were my friend!” On and on, until finally Julie stops her because it’s almost time to feed the baby and she’s got places to go.

Rachel, by comparison, is pretty weak. She giggles and tells everybody that she loves them. Several times. Then she sits down and waits for the next time she can color her hair.

The first three votes are for Annie. Then Julie suddenly stops things, and makes a really big speech about how The Saboteur’s neck is on the line and that her eviction could really change things. It’s clear that the producers have told Julie to really milk the saboteur angle because they might not get to ever use it again. Julie babbles us into a break.

More commercials about things we don’t need.

Back to Julie, still babbling. I think we get it, Jules. The Saboteur might go home. Pretty clear. And seven votes later, it’s VERY clear. Annie’s going home, ten to zip. (That sound you hear is the producers booting up the files for Plan B.) Annie tromps out the door, while the remaining cast stands in front of the picture wall and waits for Annie’s mug to go dark. (Wow, check out Monet. She’s got some massive heels on that make her look seven-feet tall. Britney, standing next to her, suddenly looks like she belongs on the Yellow Brick Road.)

In the exit interview, Annie turns out to be very composed, intelligent and witty. (Julie: “You made a great speech. Why no votes to save you?” Annie: “They’re not smart.”) And who does Annie think can go all the way? Brendon. Then we watch the goodbye tapes, where we see that Britney is very vindictive (she’s quickly sliding way downwards on my likeability stick) and Rachel confirms that she is, indeed, crazy, ranting about delusional things that don’t make any sense. Clairol #57: Manic Magenta.

Time for the Head of Household competition.

It’s one of those “Majority Rules” things, where the players have to answer questions in a way that most of the house will answer. Off we go and houseguests start dropping. One interesting note is that Enzo, Matty and Lane (Hayden can’t compete as outgoing HOH) all screw up on the same question, meaning The Brigade gets knocked out in one swoop. It comes down to Britney, Monet and Rachel in a tie-breaker.

And Rachel wins.

Intriguing turn of events, eh? (And THAT sound you hear is Hayden slipping into a pair of Pampers…)

Stay tuned.