#163 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 11

We start out with something a little different, where they do an “In Memoriam” thing, where we get to see shots of all the people who have died on this show, while pretty, wistful music plays in the background. It’s kind of fun, but I was startled at how many times I went “Who the hell was that? Did I miss an episode?”

Anyway, we get to the real action, with Bill storming into Fangtasia, all huffy because he just got the intergalactic “I’m in trouble again” mind message from Sookie. Pam’s there, all irritated about something, as usual, and she tries lying to Bill. “They’re not here.” Sorry, Trixie, but Bill can smell her in the basement, a lovely aroma of sunshine, baked cookies, and the inability to mind her own business.

So Pam tries another angle. “Maybe she’s afraid of you” and that’s why she’s here. Bill does not want to play, snarling threats at Pam, which basically should be a standard day for her and her negative attitude. Pam snaps back: “I’m not the enemy. There’s a bigger picture.” This leads to a physical tussle, which Bill should easily win, being older and all, but Pammy cheats by whipping out a clever bottle of silver mist and spraying him in the face. He drops to his knees, totally caught off guard by the evil air freshener.

Roll opening credits.

Cut to Sookie, quivering and wild-eyed in the basement, and we see that foreign girl, no idea what her name is but she’s the one that didn’t get squat in Eric’s will, traipsing down the stairs with some bolt-cutters or something. She’s still mad about the inheritance exclusion and is going to set Sookie free just to piss off Eric. She gets to cuttin’ and snippin’.

Upstairs, Pam and Bill are rolling all over the place, with her going all hog-wild with squirting her compact death spray. Furniture gets broken, and somebody’s drink gets knocked over so they are NOT going to be happy when they get back from the bathroom.

Here come the duo from downstairs, with foreign girl whirling a heavy silver chain like it’s a rodeo. She manages to subdue Pam with such, while Sookie hovers around the blinded Bill and chatters endlessly, one of her specialties. During all this, Pam reveals that Sookie was going to be a gift from Eric to Russell, but that might not quite happen since Pam is now strapped to a stripper pole while Bill and The Gift race out the door.

Cut to Lafayette and Jesus, still basking in the afterglow of their acid trip with the V. Jesus thinks the whole thing was a real hoot, and wants to do it again. Laff is not so enthusiastic: “The blood can lie.” Jesus: “Did it feel like a lie? Let’s do it again! I wanna see my people!” Laff tries to talk him out of it. Not a good idea, hooker.

Suddenly, Jesus turns into this snarling gargoyle demon thing and lunges at Laff. Then it’s over, and it’s just Jesus again, smiling seductively. “What?” Laff blinks his heavily-painted eyes, not sure if that was real or a weird flashback. He decides to sleep on the meaning of it all. Alone. He sends Jesus packing. Holla at ya later.

Now we have Jason and Crystal, with her explaining that she’s a “were-panther”. That’s nice. Jason: “You could have given me a heads up.” Crystal gets really defensive really fast, so I guess were-panthers can be manic-depressive. Crystal: “Stop blaming me for things that aren’t my fault!” Jason, apparently not remembering the rest of his lines, runs out the door to look for Sookie instead of learning more about his hairy girlfriend.

Jessica and Hoyt are making out, on what looks like one of Bill’s ancient couches (I bet there’s some serious coinage up in there). Hoyt: “I can’t do nothin’ without you.” Jess: “I missed you so much!” Hoyt: “You saved me!” Jess, not fully understanding romantic wordplay: “I killed a trucker!”

Hoyt: Oh… um… you couldn’t really help it, right? An accident? Jess: Nope. Did it on purpose, I was still learning the trade. But you have to understand this is what I really am. I have to have human blood. I’m not gonna stop. Hoyt spends about three seconds on his response, then: “Drink me.” Girl is ON it, pronto.

Cut to the Jackson Art Museum. Russell is staring at some painting, missing his lost love Talbot while clutching the Waterford urn that contains Talbot’s gooey remains. Eric shows: “You loved him more than anyone.” That’s why he had to die. Russell: “Don’t be obscure.” Eric: Fine, then. A thousand years ago. Vikings. Dead parents. Blah, blah, blah. All because you wanted a crown for your stupid collection.

Russell smiles. “I’m SO excited to kill you.”

Eric: No, we’re even. Let me help you now. Russell: “You can’t possibly comprehend what I’m after.” Then he moves in to snap Eric’s neck or something. Eric: “I can offer you day-walking.” Russell pauses, skeptical. But if it’s really true: “No one could stand against me.” Eric: “If I’m wrong, you can kill me tomorrow.”

Then Eric’s phone rings. (Ring tone: “Aint’ We Got Fun!”) It’s Pam. Thought you might want to know that your parting gift for Russell has parted herself.

Bill and Sookie in the car. He wants to know why she went to Eric. She blows it off, which leads to Bill bringing up trust issues, and Sookie countering the trust issues with not being sure she can believe either one of them. Bill, wanting to save the relationship: Let’s try again. Want to? (Very sweet. But really, let’s cross off “staying alive” on our checklist first, shall we?)

Quick shot of Tara at Eggs’ grave, crying.

Merlotte’s, with Holly and Arlene chatting about the non-abortion abortion that Arlene is seeking. Holly: There’s not a 100% guarantee that it will work. Arlene: I just wanna get it over with.

Suddenly, Sam comes staggering into the bar, totally wasted. He’s all about the drunken hollering and rudeness. Terry tries to calm him down, but Sam responds by calling Terry a “shell-shocked” really bad word. That sets Arlene off, and she tears into Sam. (With Holly in the background, helpfully adding “And you’re polluting our vibes!”) Sam continues with the attitude and the meanness, causing Holly and Arlene to rip off their aprons and storm from the bar. (But not before Holly cryptically tells Arlene “Grab the salt. I forgot mine.”)

Cut to Jason in his truck, leaving a voice message for the non-answering Sookie. Oh look, he just happens to be parked outside the high-school football stadium. Let’s go see what’s up and relive our glory days when we were a star athlete and we didn’t have to be responsible for our lives.

Turns out some of the football team is having a late practice, including that cocky quarterback boy that we can’t stand. He’s throwing the football really hard, knocking people over. One of the passes even sails off into the night sky, never to be seen again. Oh? Jason nods knowingly.

Now we’re at Hoyt’s momma’s house, and there’s a knock on the door. It’s Summer, crying about Hoyt not wanting her baking skills. “I even offered him my virginity!” Mom: “I appreciate that. Even if you broke God’s law.” Summer: “I showed him my best underwear!” Momma, realizing that this is one of the most profound sacrifices a girl can make, hugs Summer. “We are NOT finished.”

Back to Merlotte’s, where Sam is now serving the tables because he’s made everybody mad. Tara strolls in and walks over to Sheriff Andy. “Mind if I sit?” she asks politely, but her expression is making it clear that if she gets any hint of disagreement she will cut. She just sits there and glares at him while he rattles about inane things. Then she finally interrupts him.

Tara: “I know about Eggs.” Then she launches, anger and invective filling the air. “You’re a dirty, dirty cop.”

Andy: “What are you gonna do?”

Tara: “What can I do?”

Andy: “I never wanted to be a hero.” Then he tells the truth about Eggs going crazy with the knife and being in tight with Mary Ann and other tidbits of nastiness that Eggs did. Tara is stunned, her fire suddenly out.

Sam marches up to Tommy: Get out there and “take some orders”. Tommy has no intention of doing so, not his fault if Sam chased everybody off. This turns into a huge fight, with Sam finally firing Tommy and telling him to get out of the rental house. Tommy: “Where am I supposed to go?” Sam: “Don’t care.”

Then Sam marches out into Merlotte’s proper, and orders all the patrons to leave. Tara completely ignores him, sitting at the bar and taking shots from what looks like a five-gallon barrel of tequila.

Bill and Sookie, still zooming down the road in her crappy car, imagining what life would be like if they could do anything they wanted. She wants to be a real estate agent. (Which I guess would make sense. There’s a lot of turnover in this town, what with folks dying all the time.) Bill wants to teach third grade. (Where the hell did THAT come from?)

Speaking of, Russell and Eric suddenly appear in the middle of the road, with Russell slamming his fist on the front hood of the crappy vehicle and causing it to almost flip over, which is kind of neat. Oh boy, change in plans.

Holly and Arlene are in the middle of some field, with Holly pouring a big salt circle and chanting. She’s also waving around a very impressive dagger, so let’s hope it’s for ceremonial purposes and not, you know, killing. While she’s flitting about, Holly compares momma stories with Arlene, and it seems neither one of them had very good relationships.

Holly suddenly blurts out: “You need a decoction!” Arlene and the audience stare at Holly in puzzlement, because that sounds really painful. Turns out it’s just a fancy name for the bubbling brew that Holly as been preparing in between rounds of flinging table condiments. Oh, and we just need one final ingredient. A drop of Arlene’s blood, as a sacrifice. This is SO not like going to Planned Parenthood.

And Holly has some final words as Arlene prepares to drink. “By the way, if a spirit is meant to be born, you can’t stop it.” Great.

Back to the football stadium, where the cocky quarterback is still pushing his team too hard until they get fed up and leave. Jason walks up to him. “You’re on V.” Cocky: Maybe. Jason: “That makes you a liar and a cheater. I’m taking you down.” Cocky: No you’re not. My parents are paying for the V and the principal takes V and has sex. Not worried.

Jason stomps off into the night, disillusioned. I’m wondering where I can get my hands on a brochure for this school.

Cut to Laff’s place, where he suddenly wakes up to find that all the cute little voodoo dolls in the den have turned evil and are having a party.

Over to Fangtasia, where the Sookie-mobile rolls up and the gang piles out. Eric whispers to Bill: “Hit me!” Just do it. Bill does, and they get into a nice hair-pulling rumble. Russell ignores the rough-housing and drags Sookie inside. Once the door closes, Eric says to Bill: “I have a plan.”

Tara and Sam, alone at Merlotte’s. Tara: “What crawled up your butt tonight?” Sam: Hey, you get to show your feelings all the time. Tara schools him on the proper way to retain employees. Sam: “We got nobody.” Tara: “You got me.” This leads to flirting, quickly followed by tonguing, and the next thing you know we got hot and sweaty sex back at Sam’s place.

Quick shot of Tommy breaking into the safe in Sam’s office at Merlotte’s.

Next we have Arlene fishing in some swamp, and we know she don’t mess with dirty stuff so it’s got to be a dream. She hears her momma calling but doesn’t really feel compelled to go see what she’s hollerin’ about. Suddenly, Terry is waking her up back in her own bed. She starts to get out of bed, and then sees that there’s blood everywhere.

Terry starts to call 9-1-1, but she stops him. “I’m okay. But I think we’re losin’ the baby.” When he starts to break down, she soothes him. “We’ll cry later. Can you get me that big box of pads out of the bathroom?”

Jason gets home, and finds Crystal. Jason: “I don’t wanna break up. No one in this town is who they’re supposed to be.” Crystal: That’s swell. Now, can we go stop the drug bust at the meth lab before all my inbred kin get kilt?”

Back to Fangtasia, with Russell ogling the nubile Sookie. “Fairies? Am I a fool?” Eric: “She may be the last of her kind.” Sookie: You ain’t gonna drink from me. I ain’t nobody’s supernatural sunscreen. Bill stops her in mid-screech: “Just do it. He may let you live.”

Sookie’s eyes burn with confusion and raging at hatred towards Bill right at that moment. (Girl really needs to make up her mind about Bill, just sayin’.)

Russell has one condition for Eric about this arrangement: “You go first.” Eric: “Love to.”

Arlene and Terry at the hospital, with her consoling him even though she’s the one being forced to wear a backless gown. The doctor comes in with some interesting news. “The baby’s still on board. He’s one strong little critter.’ Terry turns handsprings. Arelene gulps.

Fangtasia. Sunrise.

Pam and Eric are off to one side. Pam: “Don’t do it. What if it doesn’t work?” Eric: “It will.”

They walk over and join the rest of the happy crowd. Bill’s chained up, Sookie’s chained up and still glaring at Bill, Russell’s thinking of who he can hurt next. He and Eric approach Sookie.

Bill: “Don’t drain her.” Otherwise, no more midnight fairy snacking, ever.

Russell gets impatient, grabs one of Sookie’s arms, and feeds. Eric quickly joins him.

Then Eric walks out the front door and into the sun. He does not burst into flames.

Russell and Pam watch on a security monitor, awed, while Sookie is sprawled on the table behind them, half-dead and not looking very pretty. Bill: “Unchain me! I have to feed Sookie!” They completely ignore him, gazing at the non-flaming Eric, eyes dancing with delight and potential daylight killing sprees.

Eric motions on the monitor for Russell to come out. Then he turns away from security camera, muttering “don’t let them see me”. We realize that his skin is starting to smoke. Uh oh.

Russell babbles some nonsense about manifest destiny, then he walks out the front door as well, almost in rapture at the touch of the sun.

Back inside, Pam is still watching the monitor, blood-tears dripping. Bill screams in the background, still insisting that he be allowed to feed Sookie. Pam couldn’t care less about anyone’s nutritional needs right at the moment.

Back outside, Eric suddenly turns to face Russell. Just as Russell realizes that Eric’s face is burning off, Eric snatches Russell’s arm and handcuffs Russell to his own body.

“Be brave. We’ll die together.”

Roll end credits.

#162 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 23

We start with the typical review of the last few episodes (Ragan figures out that The Brigade exists and who the members are, Matt runs to tell The Brigade, and they all freak out and can’t concentrate on their weight-lifting, which is probably the most difficult thing they’ve ever encountered in their limited lives). And the Announcer Guy is asking “Who is going to win HOH!?!” Well, how are WE supposed to know that? Aren’t you tight with Julie, even though you apparently don’t have a physical body?

Diary Room confessions, some of which take place during the last hectic episode, where they crammed a full week of activities into one hour, so things get a bit confusing. Just ride the wave:

Hayden, about the surprise HOH Competition on Eviction Night: “I’m all tingly with stress!” Are you sure that’s stress? Because it could be crabs. Did you and Kristen have “the talk” before you played Doctor?

Enzo: “I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer.” Well, good. The first step to recovery is accepting that you have a problem.

Britney: “Matt did it to himself.” Well, we know this. Because his hand is/was always in his pants. But thanks for the news flash. You can go back to your room now and organize your hair dryers.

Then, inexplicably, the BB producers decide to go back through all of the events that we watched in the last episode. Sure, they throw in a few snippets of houseguests plotting in between the frenetic activity, but we don’t really see anything new. This is just lazy.

The single interesting thing, to me, concerns The Brigade members, mainly Hayden, telling Brendon that he’s just a pawn, the target is Ragan. (Hayden confirms this in the Diary Room: He’s fine with Brendon. Ragan should leave. Oh?)

Cut to Enzo in the Diary Room: He’s more than ready for Brendon to leave. “You and Rachel go make ugly babies.” (But I bet they won’t be prematurely bald, Enzo. Just sayin.)

Ragan in the Diary Room: “I have mad respect for Brendon,” making it this far despite all the odds. Then Ragan does a high-kick, which sort of dilutes the impact of his respectful statement.

Anyway, we finally get around to seeing new things.

Britney and Ragan in some room, with a quick confab that one of them has GOT to win HOH. (Britney in the Diary Room: “I’m definitely nervous.” Then she gets very upset with one of her hair curls that didn’t look totally stunning on camera. Ragan in the Diary Room: “I’m certain I’m going up on the block.”)

We have The Brigade in the Swamp Room, being very cocky, because this is all they really know how to do. Hayden: “Back-to-back Brigade wins!” Then he high-fives someone who isn’t really there. Enzo is all about putting Britney and Ragan on the block. Lane is all about not wanting to be a part of this conversation, with a smidge of not wanting to stand too close to Hayden and end up with facial lacerations from Hayden’s out-of-control hair.

Lane in the Diary Room: If I win HOH, I would have to choose between Britney and The Brigade. I hope Enzo wins and has to make that decision. Then Lane high-fives one of his biceps.

Time for the HOH Competition.

Basically, it’s a twisted version of Blackjack, where Hayden shows the players two face cards totaling 21, then the players have to roll balls down this flip-ramp thing and try to make the balls land on the selected cards. You get a total of five tries per round, and the person who sucks the most each round is eliminated.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “I have to win this thing. If you go home now, it’s your own fault.” NOW it’s your own fault? As opposed to the two months before this where you didn’t win a damn thing and you’re still here? What do you not understand about “winning”?

Britney drops out in the first round.

Enzo drops out in the second round.

Lane in the Diary Room: He’s mad because he wanted to throw the competition so he wouldn’t have to decide between Britney and his bottom-shelf buddies.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Enzo is terrible!”

Enzo in the Diary Room: “The more I stay in this house, the more embarrassing it gets.” Exactly. Meow-Meow should have been sent home with some consolation catnip a long time ago.

We get down to the very last ball roll, where Ragan MUST hit the target in order to stay in the game with the surprisingly adept Lane, and they cut to commercials.

Seriously? This episode has totally hit the failblog in keeping my attention.

We finally come back from learning that Viagra can totally improve your life, unless you have a heart attack, check with your doctor. Ragan in the Diary Room: “I’ve got to win!” Lane in the Diary Room: “I’ve got to win!” Hayden in the Diary Room: “Is it possible for me and my hair to get any hotter? Really, touch me, you will sizzle with delight”

And Lane wins HOH.

Lane in the Diary Room: “Now I’m stuck with a difficult decision.” Damn those people from New Jersey who can’t win squat, despite their unshakeable belief that their mere presence in the room is somehow akin to loaves and fishes appearing magically at just the right mass picnic moment.

Britney in the Diary Room: “I am SO happy. This is the best-case scenario.” Because Lane tosses me through the air at random, so surely he’s going to keep me around.

Ragan in the Diary Room: “Of course I’m going up.” Then he drops to his knees and prays to Liza for some form of redemption.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “Blondie’s gotta go up.” And he earned the right to call the shots when?

Brief shot of Ragan sprawled in the Daybed Room, looking anguished and hoping that someone at home is taping all the episodes of “Design Star”.

Lane, Hayden and Britney, sitting somewhere. Lane: “Who wants the pawn spot?” Of course, neither of the other two does, looking everywhere but at Lane. Then Hayden feebly offers: “Enzo?”

The Brigade is such a joke. All three of them would sell each other out to win. Or for a free shot of tequila. Same thing.

Time to see Lane’s HOH digs.

Everyone runs up the spiral staircase, gushing with false love and fake excitement. Once the fawning court is assembled, Lane stupidly explains that his “oil company” job is really not about actual physical labor. It’s more about schmoozing clients with golf-playing and dinner dates.

Cut to Britney and Hayden swinging in the hammock. Britney basically says that, although she thinks Lane is the bee’s knees (He makes me airborne in a totally non-sexual way!), he doesn’t really need the money. Hayden and his hair perk up, sensing an opportunity.

Hayden and Enzo in the Pantry, celebrating their standing in the game, with Hayden hollering “Final Four!” Then Enzo has a moment of angst. “What if Ragan gets POV?” Hayden just kind of stands there, because having to think about too many things at one time is not really his specialty.

Then we have a series of scenes with Enzo, in his penguin outfit, losing his mind while straddling one of the weight benches in the courtyard. It’s supposed to be funny, something about so many days in the house causing temporary insanity, but it really comes across as “are we making up crap, AGAIN, just to fill this hour out?”

Lane wanders into the HOH Room, and there’s that Pandora’s thing again. His teaser video shows “money growing on trees”. There’s over $10K supposedly hanging on said tree. “I’m gonna do it!” He squat-thrusts his way into the special Pandora room for another explanatory note.

It seems that he can pick up to three envelopes off the sparkly tree, but each envelope equals one punishment for the house, including himself. His first pick yields $79, the second offers $12, and the final choice gets him 17 cents. Whoops.

Lane in the Diary Room: Now I have to go downstairs and tell everybody I was a dumb-ass.

So he does. “We’re gonna get three punishments. So sorry.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “For all we know, he WON the $10K.”) Turns out the first punishment is that no silverware or cups are allowed in the house for 1 week. This is followed by shots of sad houseguests drinking cola out of bowls and spreading mayo on their sandwiches with a flapjack flipper. Diary Room whining ensues.

Britney and Lane, discussing. Britney: Who you gonna put up? Lane: Ragan for sure. Maybe Enzo? Britney: Ragan could win the Veto. And it would be more fair to put Hayden up, since Enzo was just on the block. Lane: “I’m not putting Hayden up.”

Oh? Britney has some choice words to share about this statement. So you like Hayden more than you like me? Fine. You are SO not throwing me in the air today. Hate you.

Lane, Hayden and Enzo, sitting around in their Mutual Admiration Society. Enzo: Are you gonna put those two up? Lane: Hey Hayden, wanna go up? It’s been a while. Hayden most definitely does not care for this plan. (In the Diary Room, Hayden: “No way!” Enzo: Lane and Britney have something going on!)

Cut to Lane doing the “who will I nominate” thing, staring at the now-puny Houseguest Wall and scratching his head. This cues more Diary Room business.

Ragan: “I will be shocked if I don’t go up.” (Ragan has said variations on this same line at least 46 times in this episode. Gee, do you think he’s worried?)

Hayden: “The pawn could be anybody!” (Um… duh?)

Enzo: Better not be anybody from The Brigade. (Then he fondles himself through the penguin outfit, thus sending an entire generation of youngsters running to their parents with uncomfortable questions.)

Britney: “I’m gonna be pissed if it’s me.” (Which would then cause you to do… what?)

Lane: “I don’t like hurting people.” (Then don’t win things, Lane. Done.)

Time for the Nomination Ceremony.

Britney’s key is the first one out, which is something of a political statement. The next and final key is Hayden, also a statement, but much more mystifying. This leaves Ragan and Enzo on the block. Lane to Ragan: “It’s all strategy.” Lane to Enzo: “The POV is the real deal.”

And we end back in the Diary Room.

Ragan: “I’m completely by myself in this house.” (Then he whips out his Broadway Cast Recordings collection and searches for a mournful tune that can be warbled on a dimly-lit stage.)

Enzo: “That was such a baby move!” (Then he uses some colorful language that is bleeped. My guess is that he feels Lane does not understand Enzo’s firm belief that he has been anointed by God to save the human race.)

Lane: “Enzo hasn’t won anything. Maybe Britney should stay and YOU should go.” (Then Lane shoves his already overly-large head at the camera, and people in Tokyo scream. Not again!)

Roll end credits.

#161 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 22

We start out with Julie live, all giddy that tonight is a double eviction and we get to send two houseguests packing. Yay!

Cut to the review of the last few episodes. These things are starting to get a little sparse, since the house is getting pretty small at this point. (By the end of the season, the review will just be two people staring at each other with total hatred.) Anyway, we see shots of The Brigade wanting Matt gone, and Matt running around and plotting against Ragan. Then the Announcer Guy: It’s going to be a double eviction! What, do they think we’ve had a memory lapse since Julie just mentioned that 37 seconds ago?

And here’s Julie again: “Two houseguests will leave tonight!” (Just shoot me in the head, Vern, and get this over with.) “Who will be left standing when the night is through?” Oh, and The Brigade is a secret for now, but that won’t last for long in the Big Brother house. Then Julie grins manically and tosses her hair about.

We have a run of Diary Room confessions.

Matt: “I gotta pull another rabbit out of my hat.” (Sorry, but my mind goes immediately to Matt’s incessant need to shove his hand in his shorts. I have a lot of endearing names for my tackle, but I’ve never called it a rabbit.)

Britney: I was fine with Matt until he threw his friend under the bus. (Gee, I wonder how she’s going to feel when Lane does the same with her?)

Enzo: This is how The Brigade is going to send people home - Matt, Brendon, Britney and Ragan. (Then he gets kind of quiet and tries to remember what he was talking about. You could say that the penguin outfit is throwing him off a bit, but something tells me Enzo was thrown a long time ago.)

Cut to Ragan sprawled out in the daybed room, looking all tragic and pale after learning that Matt is not going to marry him and have children. Britney wanders in, and instinctively nurtures one of her gay acolytes. “If you wanna talk, come find me.”

Matt moseys by the daybed room, and asks Ragan: “You available?” (In another context, I could twist that question around into all kinds of sordid interpretations.) Ragan responds: “Not quite yet.”

Scene with Britney and Matt in the kitchen area, with Britney looking around like she doesn’t understand why the servants haven’t cleaned up the spilled sesame seeds. Matt: “Is Ragan upset?” Britney pretends like she doesn’t really know why Ragan is wallering around on the daybed and sobbing. Matt: Can you talk to him? Because, like, you’re a girl and can understand him better.

Oh, really, Matt? Only a GIRL can understand a gay man? Do you realize that you just lost the support of half of this show’s viewing audience? Oh wait, you’d already lost it. Never mind.

Matt in the Diary Room: He figures out that Britney must have told Ragan that he tried to backstab him. “I’m in big trouble.” Yep.

Still, Matt gives it another shot with Ragan. Stupidly, Matt tries to act like he didn’t “realize” that telling Britney to evict Ragan could be considered “throwing Ragan under the bus”. Then Matt ups the dumb-ass factor by saying that everybody in the house knows that Ragan was campaigning to keep Matt. (Ragan in the Diary Room: I don’t want people to be thinking THAT.)

So Ragan marches out to the courtyard, where the rest of the house is lolling about and waiting for anything of interest to happen. Ragan makes it clear that he is NOT in an alliance with Matt. (Who moseys outside during this, hands in pants, and presumably hears the tale.) Then Enzo, because he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, mumbles something about how the guys had planned to split the vote on the last eviction.

Ragan quickly does the math, considers the variables, and then runs to the Diary Room. “There’s an alliance between Enzo, Matt, Hayden and Lane!” Well, hallelujah. He’s not the first to suspect this, but hopefully he’s the first to actually do something about it.

Ragan is listlessly swinging in the hammock, still swooning with shattered friendships and wondering if he should clutch a calla lily to his chest, when Matt wanders up. “Are you okay?” Ragan: The boys are working together. And you were a part of that. Matt denies such.

Matt in the Diary Room: Wait. Can I flip this around in my favor?

Matt runs to Lane and Hayden. Matt: Ragan knows a LOT. He told me that he’d target you and Lane. Total lie. (Hayden in the Diary Room: How do we know that it wasn’t MATT who told Ragan?)

Scene with Ragan lying on the daybed, running through events in the house and trying to memorize things, strategizing. (Ragan in the Diary Room: “I have to bring this alliance down.”) Fingers crossed.

Cut to Julie, who then informs the assembled houseguests that tonight will be a double elimination. We’ll have a week’s worth of BB in one hour.

Crickets chirp in the Couch Room as most of them have no immediate comprehension of what this means. Britney briefly seems to have a moment of insight, but it may have just been a gas bubble.

Then Julie says that the eviction nominees will give their “save me” speeches now, and the houseguests realize it’s WAY too early in the episode for that, so slight fear shadows their otherwise catatonic faces. Enzo is up first: He says he wants to prove himself and he wants to do things. Vague, right? Then he says he thinks Matty is “a cool dude”. And then he’s unable to stop rambling about pointless things. Julie, grimacing, finally cuts him off.

Matt stands: He promises to keep it short, and then goes on forever as well. (Quick shot of Julie on her communication device, asking why the snipers are not firing from the rooftops. We have commercial break commitments!) Finally, Matt’s obtuse plane lands and we get to the actual voting.

It’s unanimous that Matt is going home.

To his credit, he’s very gracious when he leaves, hugging everybody. He marches out the door to a surprising round of applause from the studio audience. (Maybe it’s just me, but I’m thinking that the audience should have pelted him with rotting garbage for his lies about his wife’s non-existent illness. Then again, maybe it’s my bad. I forgot. People don’t have morals any more.)

Exit interview.

Julie: You threw the HOH competition. Why? (See, I still don’t know how we’re supposed to know this, but apparently we are.) Matt: I was too confident. Maybe my worst move. Julie: Why did you remain loyal to The Brigade. Why not out them? Matt: I was gonna ride this week out and see. (Weak answer.) Julie: Why did you throw Ragan under the bus? Matt: I did feel bad about that.

Then Julie shoves Matt off the stage and gets to her next sound bite. “Coming up. The HOH Competition!” Then she beams to show that her dental insurance has been well-spent.

And we go to the competition in the courtyard.

Basically, Julie is going to ask a question. The answer will be two houseguest names. The players have to then jump over this crappy pile of boxes, and then dig in a pen of packing peanuts for little placards that have names. You can only bring one name back to the finish line at a time, and if you bring a wrong name you are eliminated.

The whole thing is over in roughly 12 seconds, with Hayden winning.

Julie gets back on the monitor and tells the houseguests to get their asses back in house pronto, because we’re live and we have things to do.

Then Julie turns back to the cameras and says: “Let’s eavesdrop on the strategy taking place in the house.” This sounds fun and exciting, but the payout leaves a lot to be desired. We see Hayden and Brendon talking. Can’t hear a thing. We see Haden, Lane, Enzo and Brendon talking. Can’t hear a thing. Great. Learned a lot.

Julie summons the underlings to the Couch Room. Hayden, commence with the nominations.

He names Brendon and Ragan.

Then Julie shoos people back out to the courtyard, because we still have things to do and, more importantly, commercials to show.

Power of Veto Competition. This is one of those “Before and After” things where Julie mentions two events in the house and the players have to figure out which came when. Since we’re on a tight schedule, suffice it to say that Julie barks “I need an answer!” several hundred times. Eventually, Ragan wins POV.

Julie, apparently having been informed via her mind-control headset that we’ve still got a bit of time, taunts us again with “Let’s eavesdrop on the strategy in the house!”. This consists entirely of Britney running about and making sure that if she goes up, everybody is going to vote for Matt. She also adjusts a bra strap, if such things are important to you.

POV Ceremony.

Brendon gets to offer up his “save me” speech. It’s fairly stupid. Something about shoes.

Ragan, no speech necessary, removes himself from the block. But he still manages to throw in a “Janelle” reference.

Hayden names Britney as a replacement. No surprise, since the other options are all Brigade members.

And we cut directly to the Eviction Ceremony. (We’re living in the fast lane, people.)

“Save me” speeches, again.

Britney: She’s totally boring, feeling completely secure and not even trying.

Brendon: He’s actually kind of human. “The dysfunction in the house makes us a family.” But it’s too little, way too late.

Brendon is evicted unanimously.

Exit interview.

Julie: Just before the vote, we heard the other guys saying that you were just going to be a pawn on the block. (Um, Julie, no we didn’t. We couldn’t hear a damn thing. Your little minions were censoring everything so that the one small child who is actually watching this show wouldn’t be offended.) Brendon shrugs it off. That’s how it goes. Julie: Do you have no clue of the truth in what was going on? Brendon: Probably not. Julie: Of the people left, who’s playing the best game? Brendon: Britney.

Julie shoves Brendon off the stage, and turns to the cameras. “Let’s eavesdrop on the house and see what they’re thinking!” Because that worked SO well the first two times we did this.

We basically see one continuous shot of the fish tank, which means people are cussing.

That was a wealth of information, Julie. Thanks for that.

Roll end credits.

#160 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 21

We start off with the standard review of the last few episodes. (Britney completely lying to Brendon about her intentions, Ragan crying about something or another, Enzo finding yet another reason to compliment himself, and Hayden continuing to misunderstand that his jacked-up hair is not sexy in any way.) During this, the Announcer Guy says that Matt intentionally threw the HOH Competition. He did? I’m thinking the BB producers are once again babbling about something we didn’t see on the regular show. (Correct me if I’m wrong.) We end the review with Lane exposing his bicep and screaming “The Beast!”

And a round of Diary Room confessions:

Enzo: He’s still stunned that anyone would nominate him for eviction, despite Britney’s assurances that he’s not the target. “I’m on the block! If I survive, I’m coming after her.” (But that would mean you have to actually win something, Enzo. So I guess Britney is safe.)

Matt - “I’m fine with either one of them going home.” (But he seems to be more fine with Enzo packing his bag.)

Britney: Let me repeat. “Brendon is the target. (Then she rips a chunk of plywood off the wall and uses it for a nail file.)

Brendon: “Britney is definitely going to regret this.” (I guess that Brendon still doesn’t understand that ANYBODY would have put him up.)

Then we have Brendon in the Swamp Room, curled up in a blanket, putting on one of those sleep mask things (so we can’t see him cry? what the hell?) and then praying to Saint Rachel for guidance. Enzo wanders in, and discussion ensues, if you can call it that when two flavors of Neanderthal grunt at one another. Brendon cusses everyone in the house, especially Britney for going back on their agreement. Enzo eats SpaghettiO’s from a can.

Quick scene with Britney and Enzo in the HOH Room. She paints her toenails and promises Enzo that he’s safe. He seems to have just realized that he HAS toenails, and gazes at them in wonder. (Ezno in the Diary Room: I don’t know about Britney and her promises. She had a deal with Brendon, and look where that went.)

Hayden and Lane on the deck in the courtyard, flexing and admiring themselves. Hayden: “Matt thinks he owns this house. He needs to get back-doored.” If he doesn’t go home, he will win this game. Yo, Lane, go talk to your sister.

Lane scampers up to the HOH Room. (Well, scamper is perhaps not the right word for someone who is so muscle-bound that he can barely brush his teeth.) Lane: Got something important to say but you can’t tell anyone. Back-door Matt. Britney: But if I do, and he doesn’t go home, he’ll come after me. (Yep.) Lane: He’s going to put you up anyway. (Lie, Lane doesn’t know this.) Britney counter-offers: No, he’s going to go after one of you guys. Lane: He’s going after couples, like you and me. Now, can I throw you in the air a few times and catch your squirming, supple body?

Britney in the Diary Room: We haven’t even played Veto yet! What’s this back-door talk? These people know that I want Brendon out and they better support me. This makes her want to throw up, of course, because everything eventually does.

Time to pick players for the Veto Competition. (And we do this while Matt is once again laid out on the couch with his hand shoved down the front of his pants. Dude, it’s still there, you don’t have to keep your hand on it.) Britney pulls “Houseguest’s Choice” and fingers Matt. Brendon draws Lane, and Enzo gets Hayden. Which means the entire Brigade is playing Veto. So one would think that one of them would pull this off and keep Brendon on the block. Right?

Well, maybe not. This is one of those things where you start off with a certain amount of points (50), and then you gain points by accepting punishments and lose points for accepting prizes. Whoever has the most points at the end of the temptations will win Veto.

Oh, and nobody gets to find out exactly who took the prizes. Only the punishments will be revealed. Great. We can fully expect some of the people who are not on the block to easily buckle and snap up the prizes, because this always happens. Always.

And off we go. They only let us see certain results in some of the rounds. Suffice it to say that Lane took at least one of the prizes, and Hayden took at least two (gleefully so, I might add). From what I could tell, Britney and Matt don’t take any of the prizes, and Enzo actually takes two of the punishments, big ones, thinking this will put him in the winner’s circle. Trouble is, Brendon basically takes the rest of the punishments.

And he wins Veto.

At the end of the competition, the punishments are doled out. Brendon has to take a certain number of chum baths, he has to be chained for 24 hours to the house guest of his choice (he fingers Britney, much to her shock and dismay), and he gets his head shaved by Ragan. Enzo has to wear a penguin suit for a week and has to give away all of his clothes to charity

Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s not the end of the world.” We can still back-door Matty. Then Lane caresses himself in a startling manner.

Britney in the Diary Room: She’s livid about her supposed partners in the house. “They all walked away with prizes. I’m considering everyone as a replacement nominee!” Then she takes a high-heeled shoe and stabs one of the cameramen out of pure spite.

Cut to Britney and Ragan in the HOH Room. She’s crying and wallering all over the bed. (I guess I should clarify that Britney is the one doing this, while Ragan stands there slightly confused that someone has usurped his designated role in the house.) How could they do this to me? Matt wanders in as Britney is wailing about the Brendon thing. “How can we not get ONE person out?”

Shift to Enzo, Lane, Hayden and Brendon (oh?) sitting around discussing what just happened. Lane actually fesses up to taking the “phone-call-home” prize. Hayden doesn’t say a word, hiding behind his bush hair. Enzo: “So Matty took it ALL!” Hayden continues to hide. Bastard. They send Lane up to see what Britney thinks about all of this.

When Lane arrives in the HOH Room, Britney sends Ragan and Matt out. Then she unleashes on Lane. “You guys don’t know what it’s like to be targeted.” (Um, sweetie, Lane was just on the block. I think he probably has something of an idea.) “I’m in a bad place, and I feel used!” Then Britney flops around on the bed like Scarlett O’Hara digging for turnips in a dusty field and proclaiming that she will never go hungry again.

Lane: “I’m not gonna put you in harm’s way.” (Quickly followed by Lane in the Diary Room: “I will manipulate Britney, if needed. My loyalty is straight with The Brigade.” Really? That same Brigade that Matt is in? Because you’re not being loyal to him.)

Later, Britney wanders up to the HOH Room, fresh from, I don’t know, a Brazilian wax courtesy of Ragan and some Scotch tape. She discovers a Pandora’s box offer. She reviews the teaser video, which is just a giant box with a question mark on it. Hmmm. Then Brit reads an additional clue that her prize would be “one hour of advice with a houseguest from a previous season”. Oh? Well, then. Britney happily agrees to the terms and runs into the Pandora room.

Where she is startled, and then horrified, when Jessie pops out of the box, strutting and preening. Oh, and that one hour of advice? He’s going to give exercise tips so that Britney can look just like him. No game strategy. Just weight-lifting whilst the King of Self-Absorption strikes poses.

Meanwhile, all the guys are downstairs in the courtyard, enjoying a nice luau for one hour while Britney is trapped upstairs, complaining that lifting a two-pound weight is just too hard for girls from Arkansas. She’s finally released from the Jessie torture (his presence alone is deadly, never mind the weight-training) and she rushes to join the luau. But of course it’s over, with the guys belching and patting their bellies.

Brendon and Britney are ordered to the Diary Room, where they are fitted with fuzzy handcuffs, locking them together for 24 hours. Oh, and the BB producers have arranged that Brendon must take his hourly chum baths during this bit of enforced closeness, so they have to deal with that. At one point we see both of them in the Diary Room, chained, with Brendon fessing that the chum baths aren’t really all that bad. While he’s pontificating, we see Britney at his side, mouthing the words “Help. Me.”

That right there was priceless. We had to rewind.

The hourly chum cycle continues all night, with Britney gamely trying to avoid the chum splashing and the subsequent shower rinse. At some point the next day, Ragan finally approaches them with a key and releases the duo. Britney immediately flees across the courtyard, intent on joining a nunnery.

Matt goes up to Britney in the HOH Room. Matt: What’s up? What’s going on? Britney: Well, it’s down to you or Hayden for replacement nominees. (Matt in the Diary Room: Yeah, Ragan’s my friend, but screw it. It’s time for a sacrifice.) So he pushes Britney to put up Ragan. Nice guy, right?

Then Matty leaves the HOH Room and immediately runs to Lane, meeting up in the pantry and throwing out the Ragan angle. “You have got to talk to Britney.” And by the way, can I touch one of your biceps, because damn, they fine. Maybe you should wear my skanky hoodie, it does great with muscles.

Matt dashes to tell Hayden and Enzo the same spiel. Ragan is the Anti-Christ and Linda Blair will show up if we don’t send him home. Hayden and Enzo act like they are totally on board with this plan, but they’re not. (Hayden in the Diary Room, after the Los Angeles zoning commission has given approval for Hayden and his hair to actually remain in the house: “We are going to back-door Matty.”)

Lane meets with Britney in the HOH Room. He spills about Matt’s plan to get Ragan out, but that’s not what The Brigade, I mean “I”, want. Britney: “If you’re playing me for a fool, I will kill you.

Let me insert this: When a girl from Arkansas mentions death as retribution, she ain’t playin’. Take heed.

Hayden and his hair run to Britney, and pushes for Matt to go up. Enzo runs to Britney, and pushes for Matt to go up. He also throws in the bonus plan of swearing that Britney will be in the Final Four. (Really, Enzo? Can you even name those final four right now?)

Britney in the Diary Room: “If Matt would do this to a friend (Ragan),” then what will he do to people who are not his friends. Like me. (Sleep on that, Britney. Sleep hard.)

Britney saunters up to Ragan. Britney: Just wanted to let you know that we’re good. But people have been saying your name. (To her credit, at least at this point, Britney does not say who. ) Ragan: “Why me?” Britney: When your back is against the wall, people do things. (Very fair.) Ragan: I feel like I’m going down the wrong path. And that’s not good for either of us.

Cut to Brendon staring at the Houseguest Wall, and pretending to be troubled about how he is going to use his Power of Veto. (Why do they even do this? If you’re on the block, of course you’re going to save yourself. Unless you’re Evel Dick. Or dumb-ass Marcellus in Season 3. That was just stupid, girl.)

Outside on the deck in the courtyard, which is where everyone is apparently banished while POV winners do their fake quandary with the camera crew inside, we see Ragan mouth to Britney: “Did Matty throw me under the bus?” Britney nods, and then plays with her hair.

POV Ceremony.

Brendon wastes no time in saving himself, then throws it back to Britney.

Britney: “This was a tough decision.” Then she nominates Matt.

Which leads to a final round of Diary Room confessions.

Britney: “I don’t trust Matt. He turned on his best friend.” Fair enough. But your best friend is Lane. And he’s completely lying to you. You seem to realize that something is going on with those four guys. Put down your hand mirror and wake up.

Matt: Astonishingly, he still thinks The Brigade has his back, and that this is all Britney’s doing. Then he fondles his pecs in a disturbing manner.

Enzo: “Britney went with The Brigade plan!” No she didn’t, she has no idea what your plan is. And more importantly, Matt IS smart, whether you like him or not, and he could still pull something off. And by that, Enzo, I don’t mean himself. Dude, you better pack your bag, just in case.

Ragan: “Things have changed. Matt stabbed me in the back.” And if there is one life lesson you need to take away from tonight’s developments, it’s that you should never underestimate the power of a queen who has been scorned.

Roll end credits.

#159 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 10

We start off with Bill finally letting Sookie know “what she is”. Sookie’s eyes are all aglow with excitement until Bill does the big reveal, then she’s greatly disappointed. “I’m a fairy? How lame!” Bill tries to soften the blow. Well, you also go by lots of other interesting names, none of which I catch. Oh, and she’s not really a full-blooded fairy, being the result of a fairy forcing itself on one of Sookie’s ancestors back in the day. Because fairies apparently like to do that.

Sookie: “So my people are rapists?” Great.

Bill has more news. He’s been to the Sookie Dreamworld Garden and talked to the very excitable Claudine. Seems she and her billowy sisters have been protecting Sookie all this time. And, cautions Bill, we have to be very careful, because most people believe the fairies were wiped out of existence by vampires.

Sookie sighs. Really, people. A fairy?

Roll opening credits.

Jason is having some issues dealing with the aftermath of shooting Franklin, while Tara stands nearby and trembles. Jason has flashbacks to killing Eggs as well as that one weird guy down in the basement back in the day. Then Tara starts barking orders. “I need you to dig!” Jason interprets this to mean dropping on all fours and half-heartedly pawing at the ground like he has a bone to bury. Tara: “Take these clothes and find a place to burn them.” Jason scampers off. Tara then spits on what’s left of the Franklin pie and runs to join Jason in his truck.. They roar away like there’s a sale at Macy’s.

Lafayette, still hauling around beat-up Crystal Daddy, pulls up to his house instead of a hospital. This irritates Jesus. What are you doing? Laff: “It’s twenty miles or more. He’s not going to make it. Help me get him inside.”

Sam’s at his house, pouring Jack Daniels on the hand wounds he got from walloping Crystal Daddy. (What, you own a bar but you can’t afford some hydrogen peroxide?) The smooth, charcoal-mellowed liquid apparently causes Sam to hear voices, and then have a flashback.

2003. A slick-haired Sam (And we don’t want to do that look again. Are you listening stylist people? Not working for me) and some tramp are all happy about some jewels that Sam has apparently stolen while doing his doggie drag. They decide to have sex as a celebration, and he shoves her up against a wall as foreplay.

Then some guy comes in and puts a gun to Sam’s head. I’ll be takin’ them there jewels. It’s a setup, and previously horny girlfriend was in on it, and she now races to gather the booty. As a parting gift, they guy wallops Sam with the gun. As she scurries out the door, the girl pauses to look wistfully at Sam on the floor, so we know that she really did enjoy her time with Lassie, and will probably miss him. Then we flash back to the present, and Sam starts throwing things around.

Sookie and Bill again, and she has more questions. Sookie: Why do people think we were wiped out? Bill: There’s a legend that fairy blood is most delicious. Sookie: Why did excitable Claudine believe you? And wait a minute. Are your feelings for me based on my deliciousness? Bill: At first, maybe. But we grew. And I love you. You brought light back into my life.

Good save, Bill.

Eric and Pam are at Fantasia with some lawyer. It seems that Eric is updating his will to basically leave everything to Pam. This causes Pam to stop around in her designer heels and ask: “WHY?” Eric: “Do the math.” You think Russell is going to let me live?

The lawyer doesn’t care, especially since there’s a “Leave It To Beaver” marathon and he’d really like to get home. We just need two witnesses, and the other one can’t be the person getting the money. So Eric hollers, and some trollop comes marching out. I don’t recall ever seeing her before, but apparently she and Eric have some kind of something going on. She is none too happy about signing papers where she doesn’t get any of the goodies. Eric calls her a whore, which causes Pam to call him a bastard. Love is in the air.

Back to Laff’s house, where he gives some vampire blood to Crystal Daddy, which causes the mean redneck to instantly heal. Crystal is beside herself with joy and resurrection, but Daddy does not know how to show appreciation and thanksgiving. He gets mad that he’s got some vamp blood up in him, and to show his displeasure he slaps Crystal and then stomps away, presumably to NOT attend an anger management class. Crystal, backwoods fool that she is, runs after him.

Lafayetta: “That’s a whole new dimension of trash right there.”

Crystal follows Angry Daddy somewhere into the woods, with Daddy bellowing nastiness and intolerance. Crystal tries to plead some sense into him, until Daddy finally whirls on her. “You CAN’T mix with those people.” You need to get your butt back to Felton and commence with the breeding. Crystal: Can’t do it. Daddy: Then you’re dead to me. He marches off to see if there are any innocent furry animals that he can torture.

Sookie’s house. She’s sawing logs on the couch while Bill is watching that Nan spokes-bitch on TV, defending the vampire race and explaining that Russell is just a tiny little exception. (But really, who’s going to believe anything she says with that severe haircut of hers?) There’s a knock on the door.

It’s Eric. “I know what Sookie is.” Turns out this is some type of code phrase for “hey, let’s go take a walk in the woods”, which they do. Eric: Since you’ve been doing the Sookie Snackin’, you can walk in the sun. Did Sophie Ann tell you that? Is it true? Bill: Meh. Just a few minutes. You still burn. Eric: Well, Sophie’s going to be disappointed. Oh, by the way, I killed Talbot. Bill: Why are you here? Eric: To protect Sookie. And you need to tell her the truth.

Conveniently, Sookie walks up just then, because she can’t stand it when people walk in the woods without her approval. “What truth?” Then she glares at Eric. “And I can’t trust YOU” about anything.

Sookie, dear. If you want to learn things, perhaps you shouldn’t be so bitter with your communication skills. Play nice. Then if you need to, you can kill people later.

Eric: “Do what you want. I won’t be around much longer. I wish you the best.”

Merlotte’s, where that Fellowship of the Sun guy is on TV, pretending to be Christian but really just trashing vampires. Arlene is watching him, agreeing, and getting a little lippy with her anti-vamp commentary. Jessica finally snaps, fangs are bared, and she firmly explains to Arlene that she needs to be a little more tolerant. And that she has a bad dye job.

This confrontation makes Tommy horny, which I guess shouldn’t be surprising. He tags along after Jessica, inquiring about Hoyt’s status. “Why you here with me instead of with him?” Jessica: “He’s too good for me.” Tommy “I’m not.”

Cut to Hoyt and Summer the Biscuit Maker in his truck. She’s noticed that things are a bit distant between them (um, he can’t stand you, is that what you mean?) and she’s decided to fill that void with sex. She starts to wriggle out of her clothes while Hoyt considers taking his own life.

Jason drags Tara to his house, and they find Sookie and Bill there. Sook: “Can we stay?” Little bit of an issue, people hunting us down, blah, blah. Tara, all bitchy: Bill ain’t nuthin but trouble!” Bill: “Fine, I’ll go to ground nearby.” He marches away. When Sook tries to tell Tara what for, Tara stops her. “I want all vampires dead!” Then Tara launches into a long tirade with details about what Franklin did to her while “the man you love didn’t lift a finger.”

Then they hug it out, because nothing brings people closer together than comparing vampire experiences. Meanwhile, Bill is talking to Jason out back. Bill: “You got a gun? The werewolves are fast.” Jason: “I’ll take care of her.” Which is nice and all, but it’s Jason. Something is going to go terribly wrong, soon. And he’s going to have sex. Those are the two constants with young Mr. Stackhouse.

Back to Lafayette’s house, where Laff finds Jesus sniffing a vial of vampire blood. Jesus: “This is magic. You ever do it? I wanna do it with you.” Laff: Hold up. That stuff is whack. Different things happen at different times. Jesus: “You’re safe with me.” Then they talk briefly about being shamans. (When did THAT happen?) Then Jesus feeds them both a drop. Oh boy.

Merlotte’s again, TV is still on, and a reporter is letting us know that they raided Russell’s plantation but didn’t find a damn thing. Sam comes in, and the staff is a little jumpy about this development, because the last time the boss was in the house he tore up that Crystal Daddy man with a bit more savagery than anyone expected.

New waitress Holly (aka newly-hired therapist for the entire town) approaches Bill with a baggie. “This is black kohash” (or something like that) “and it will help you control your testosterone. I’m a wiccan.” Sam glares at her for a second, then basically tells her to go to hell and mind her own business, proving that he just might need that kohash after all.

As Sam stomps away, Tommy throws this out: “I was proud of you last night. “ Sam throws back: “You’re an idiot.”

Terry is out back, smoking, when Arlene comes traipsing out the back door with a sack of trash. She bursts into tears, he tries to comfort her, and she finally fesses: “This baby ain’t yours! It’s Renee’s. It’s evil and I want to get rid of it.” Terry: “No! I will raise that child as my own. We will surround that baby with love.” Which is really sweet and all, but dude. Are you not paying attention to everything else going on around you? Might want to really consider this spawn of Satan thing.

Jason and Sookie, with him upset and trying to talk about killing Franklin. Sookie tries to counsel him, which causes Jason to blurt: “I killed Eggs! Andy said it was him before I could think.” Sookie takes a step back, and she gets that flash in her eye which means she’s about to make an ultimatum. “Tara’s gotta know! People always find out.” Jason sighs.

Next we have Jesus and Lafayette, trippin’ on da V, yo. They go through a doorway and find themselves in a giant temple, where a woman with a green ring is making tortillas. Jesus knows her, something about she saved many people from evil. Then we’re in a courtyard, with another woman breaking a raw egg over someone’s belly. And we have an underground tunnel thing where there are skulls and goats and a creepy man who seems very displeased as he chants and curses. Very surreal and weird.

Bottom line, Lafayette’s great-grandmother (or some such) was some kind of priestess, and Jesus’ grandfather practiced the black arts and had big plans for Jesus, but his momma took him on the run. At least I think that’s what we learned. I really don’t know. But I do know that I won’t be taking any V. No sir. I don’t want to KNOW what my ancestors might have done. Although I suspect one of them must have had sex with a fairy.

Sookie wakes up and Eric is there. Sook: “I know this is a dream. I’m getting tired of dreaming about you.” Eric, as they kiss passionately, “I know you like it. Oh, and don’t trust Bill.” Sookie wakes for real.

Jason is starting at her. “You okay?” Yeah, she’s fine. So Jason takes a breakfast tray into Tara’s room. He starts to talk to her about the Eggs thing, but can’t just yet. Tara, thinking this is about Franklin: “It’s okay. You saved my life.” Jason tries again, but he’s not making any sense. It’s Jason. Tara: “You’re a good person. I can count on you.” They hug. Then they kiss. Then they really kiss, tongues and all that. Uh oh.

Tara breaks it off and starts to run away. Jason grabs her arm. “I shot Eggs!” Tara flees into the night. Well, at least to another part of the house. Jason tries to follow, then realizes that Sookie is gone. But she thoughtfully left a note, so we know that at least the first part of her journey was voluntary.

Bill’s house, with Jessica wandering about. Suddenly there’s lots of hollerin’, and she spies a cross burning on the lawn and graffiti painted on the house. Seems some folks aren’t too happy with vampires right now. Bill shows up, and Jessica wants to track down the people who did this, but Bill stops her.

Sam’s sitting somewhere, drinking in the dark, and he has another flashback. (Have you not connected the dots here, Sam? Don’t drink. The flashbacks won’t happen.) Anyway, in this one, we’re at a campground with the couple that rudely took the jewels that Sam took from somebody else. Sam approaches in his doggy attire, then transitions back and nakedly grabs the man’s gun and aims it at him. “Give me the money.”

The girl scurries to get the booty out of a truck, but she’s taking forever. The guy gets bored and starts taunting Sam about being a Transformer. Sam doesn’t take kindly to that, and wallops the hell out of the guy. The girl runs around the corner of the truck and shoots at Sam. Sam turns and shoots the girl. She dies and he gets all angsty. Flash back to the present, with Sam sitting there and looking like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” just before he discovered that you can redecorate using a common household axe.

Fangtasia, with Sookie and Eric sitting in his office. Sook: “Why are you saying that you’re not going to be around much longer?” Eric: “Don’t pretend that you care. But I do want to kiss you.” Sook: “Sounds like goodbye.” Eric: “It is.”

And we go right into some heavy kissing. I guess Sookie doesn’t mind spontaneous slap and tickle if she knows that her partner is about to be annihilated and there won’t be any embarrassing “morning after” awkwardness. But she breaks the spit-swapping for another question. “Tell me why I shouldn’t trust Bill.”

And that damn Pam chooses this moment to bang through the door. We have a situation. Out here. Eric follows Pam’s sashaying couture to the other room. Sookie stays and compares the various flavors or vampire tongue she’s had lately.

Pam: “Just give Sookie to Russell.” Eric: “No! Stay out of this.” Pam: “I can’t believe you’re choosing a human over yourself. If you’re not going to give her, then figure out how to use her.”

Cut to some street corner, where an obvious male hustler has just pulled out a cigarette. Russell approaches and holds out a light. “You have someplace we can go?”

Quick scene at Merlotte’s. Arlene to Holly: Wanna tell me about those other ways of not being pregnant? Holly nods.

Cut to Jessica looking sad. Hoyt walks in. Hoyt: “I love you and I want to marry you.” Jessica: “That’s silly.” Hoyt: There’s no reason not to. Jessica: I’ve done bad things. Hoyt: If you don’t love me, that’s one thing. Tell me you don’t. Jessica doesn’t tell him anything. So Hoyt stomps out and down the steps, where Tommy tries to tease Hoyt about the situation. Hoyt knocks Tommy to the ground with one punch. (Yay!)

Well, Tommy’s not too keen on that. He transitions to his pit bull persona, and then attacks Hoyt. It’s bad, blood spurting. Jessica runs up, and easily tosses Tommy three counties over. She kneels over the possibly fatally-injured Hoyt. “I love you, too. Now drink my blood.” Tommy watches from the bitter shadows.

Jason comes home, and Bill is there. Bill: WHERE is Sookie? Can you not do ANYTHING right? Jason: I tried! But Sookie does what she wants to do. Bill gets carried away, overly angry and derogatory. Jason commands him out of the house (“Sookie told me how.”) and Bill is forced outside, unable to return. Jason hears a noise, heads to his bedroom, and finds a blank panther. The big kitty turns into Crystal. Well, then. We knew it was coming, we just didn’t know how it was going to come.

Next we have Russell and the male hooker, post-coital. Russell is talking to the guy as if he was Talbot, so we know this isn’t going to end right. The hooker tries to leave, but Russell pulls him back, angering the boy toy. (“I told you it’s an extra 500 to bite me!”) Russell continues with his ode to Talbot and their life, and his words just get weirder. Then, holy cow, Russell whips out a stake and ends the hustler’s career, blood galore. Russell snuggles up to the body and continues talking. “So glad we had our chance to say goodbye.“

Hoo boy, that’s some messed-up action there.

Quick shot of Bill walking around outside a house, probably Sookie’s, might be his, it’s too dark.

Final scene at Fangtasia, where Eric suddenly grabs Sookie and drags her screaming to the basement. (We see Bill sensing her discomfort.) Eric chains Sookie up to that same metal pole thing where Laff, Pam and the Magister have spent some quality time.

Close-up of Sookie hollering Eric’s name. She MAD.

Roll end credits.

#158 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 20

As usual, we start with scenes from the last few episodes (there are shoes all over the house because these people are pigs, Matt loves to perform hand gestures for the cameras, and Britney did something new with her hair, resulting in golden, curly locks that will melt with the first rain drop). Then the Announcer Guy proclaims that we have GOT to watch the show tonight, because “the cracks in The Brigade widen!”

Good, ready for that.

And a series of Diary Room confessions:

Brendon: “Matty’s gonna call me a big dummy? I’m WAY more intelligent than he is.” (I guess I missed that episode. When did you do something smart, Brenchel?)

Hayden: “We had JUST told Matty” that we were kicking his ass out. (Oh?)

Cue a scene two hours before the Eviction Ceremony, with Hayden and Enzo traipsing up to Matt and giving him the scoop. Or trying to. Enzo hems and haws and basically doesn’t say anything worthwhile, choosing instead to marvel at the way his shirt looks. It’s Hayden that drops the bomb. “Dude, you goin’ home.”

Back to the Diary Room.

Matt: “I’m not important? I GOT you where you are.” (Well, this is true. The other three members of The Brigade have redefined the word “worthlessness” in the dictionary. Webster is on the phone as we speak.)

Brendon, about the Diamond Head Power of Veto busines: “I cannot believe what just happened!” (Um, like you actually believe that Rachel is not a man?)

Ragan: I’ve spent the last two weeks crying, and then BOOM, my best friend is staying in the house! (Poor Ragan. So many issues, so little emotional control.)

Matt: “They cannot get me out!” (Let’s not get too excited, Matty. You’ve used your special super power, and you’re not HOH. Oh, and somebody’s going to figure out that you tell everybody exactly what they want to hear. Just sayin.)

Lane: “Kathy, you just didn’t belong. But thanks for doing my laundry.” (Say, those Texas men aren’t chauvinistic at all, are they?)

Enzo: “I’m a little bit worried about going up.” (Really? Why is that? Oh, that’s right. Because you’re worthless. See above entry about Webster.)

Brendon: “Nobody can trust Matt.” (Like they can FULLY trust you to actually do something that’s not intended to prove your mystifying love for Rachel, right?)

Quick scene with Matt and Ragan hugging after Matt saved himself. Then they promptly scurry to other parts of the house, Ragan all giddy about getting to touch Matt, and Matt all confused about why he actually liked the embrace so much. But then Matt notices that his pecs aren‘t being properly displayed and concerns himself with that.

Britney in the Diary Room, waving her HOH key around like a weed whacker: “I have all the power. Yayyy!” (Girl, talk to me in a few hours when you actually have to put people on the block. Everybody LUVS being HOH until they have to make an actual decision.)

Lane in the Diary Room: “I’m NOT going on the block!” (Then someone on the camera crew barks “Raisin Bran!” and Lane’s eyes fill with fear, because there might be a test and he’s not really good with questions.)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “There could be trouble with me.” (That’s not really a clear statement, Hello Kitty, but we’ll just assume that you are still concerned with going home. Or that your parole officer might call the BB producers.)

Enzo marches into the little bathroom area, conveniently designed so that we can get tantalizing glimpses of people hopping in and out of the shower. Lane’s there, marveling at the indoor plumbing. Enzo is freaking out a bit, and sharing this with “one thought at a time, please” Lane. I might go home, whines Morris the Cat. Lane tosses him a kitty treat. Maybe Britney will put Hayden up instead.

See, these Brigade people? They’ll sell one another out in a heartbeat. That’s a nice, tight team right there. Uh huh.

Britney and Ragan, somewhere, thrilled that they can now get Brendon out and Matt is still here. Ragan thinks he’s Gloria Swanson, and clutches at his face dramatically while doing ballet movements across the room. Please. Can I make my eighty-first request for an actual butch gay man on this show?

Matt, Lane and Hayden, somewhere, with Lane and Hayden acting like they are now Matty’s best friends. Of course he’s not buying it. (Matt in the Diary Room: “I’m VERY suspicious.)

Then Britney gets to show off her new HOH Room. The usual brown-nosing occurs, but we do get to see a pic of Britney wearing a crown and looking like she’s very dissatisfied with what the servants did with the rose garden. It’s creepy. Then we get to see photos of “Nick”, her supposed fiance, or arranged partner, or cousin, something. She’s previously sold him as incredibly hawt and desirable. He’s not. The other houseguests knock each other down trying to get to the Diary Room, where they verify the non-hotness of Nasty Nick.

Enzo and Matty, with Enzo trying to wiggle out of picking Lane over Matt. (Enzo in the Diary Room: “I’m trying to reel him back in.” And where does that fishing line go? To you? Oh. The person who can’t do squat. Good luck with that.) (Matt in the Diary Room: “I am DONE with Enzo.”)

Ragan, Britney and Matt are celebrating in the hammock, thrilled that Brendon will now be going home. Britney: “We’re in a happy place!” Then she gets sad. “We don’t have a pawn.” Matt: “Hey, there’s this guy named Enzo? He’s never been on the block…”

Enzo, Lane, Hayden and Matt are once again working out in the courtyard together, doing such a good job of hiding their alliance. Suddenly, Lane decides that he wants to put every weight ring for miles around on his bench-press pole. People scurry about doing such. Cut to Lane in the Diary Room: When I’m trying to push myself during a workout, “I go straight to gorilla.” Then he reenacts Godzilla (maybe he’s confusing the two words) attacking Tokyo. Right there in the Diary Room. That boy is just wrong.

Britney, Matt and Lane are lounging about in their bedroom, apparently during the wee hours because the night-vision cameras are on. Matt fesses up to having a dream about a shirtless Hayden joining his family. (I think he’s kidding, but in the Diary Room Matt says he’s not.) Lane is stunned. “Did you tell him to put on a shirt?” (Lane in the Diary Room: “Back in Texas, even if you HAVE this dream, you do NOT tell anyone.)

Brendon runs to chat with Britney in the HOH Room. Brendon: “Are you gonna go back on our deal?” Britney, because everything she’s ever said to Brendon has been a lie, continues this tradition. Brendon: “I’m gonna win HOH, and if you put me up, I’m coming after you.” (Brendon, dude, you have to be IN the house to win HOH. Hello?) Brendon: And, oh, by the way, Matt and Ragan wanted me to put you up last week. (Britney in the Diary Room: If that’s true, I’m going to be MAD. Then she stomps her delicate, royal foot and berates a servant who was too slow bringing her a cucumber sandwich.)

Then it’s time for the Have/Have-Not competition, and this thing goes on for so long that I almost call my therapist. Basically, there are two teams of three. In each round, the teams take turns stepping up to the bar, ordering a round of shots, and then drinking them. (Non-alcoholic, by the way. The good drinks are saved for “Big Brother After Dark”.) Two of the shots are tasty, the third is nasty. The OTHER team has to decide who got the skanky shot based on their facial expressions. You get a point if you ding the right person.

Well, right away both teams realize that everyone should just act repulsed by whatever they put in their mouths, and let the chips fall. Of course, Ragan equates “act repulsed” with “over-act like Liza Minnelli at one of her sham weddings”. He queens it up to such a degree that I finally understand why people shoot at cars on the freeway.

Anyway, in the end, Matt, Ragan and Lane win, making Hayden, Brendon and Enzo the “Have-Not’s”. Everybody troops inside to discover that America has voted that the slop people can have an extra snack of broccoli and bean dip. Enzo immediately makes disparaging remarks about the bean dip. From my own experience, I can honestly say that bean dip and a mammoth bag of Fritos have gotten me through many difficult times. People roll in different ways, right?

Britney and Matt in the HOH Room. Britney: “What should I do?” (Girl, why do you keep taking these polls? Do you work for Gallup?) Matt: “Enzo!” (Britney in the Diary Room: “Well, I like Enzo, but it does sound fair for me to nominate him”, never having been on the block and all.) Britney to Matt: “Can you help me write my speech?” Matt: Speech? Dude, what’s the big deal? Just say he’s never been on the block. Done.

Ragan, Britney, Lane and Matt are hanging at the hammock. Suddenly, a career-challenged moth flutters up, and Ragan and Britney act like the devil wants their souls. They scream and run about in mortal terror. (Lane in the Diary Room: With the way they were acting, I thought there had to have been “gunfire or a dinosaur”.)

A dinosaur? Lane, man, what happened to you? Words fail me.

Lane, Enzo and Hayden, sitting around and pretending that they don’t like each other’s muscles. Enzo: Matty’s playing us. He’s not looking after The Brigade, he’s looking after himself. (Oh, like the three of you weren’t ready to sell him out with the last eviction? Well, to be fair, Lane was on the block and didn’t really have a vote. And to be even more fair, Lane has no clue what’s going on. He’s still starry-eyed about the rumored invention of toilet paper.)

Britney, taking a break from deciding what her next outfit might be, runs downstairs and asks Hayden, Enzo and Lane to join her in the HOH Room. Britney: “Who does the house want out?” Well, Brendon is the primary, natch, but for that second seat, how about Matt? Britney: But if I put Matt up, he’ll do stuff to make me unhappy and I won’t feel like singing songs about myself. All three: Tell him he’s a pawn. Britney, sighing, because this nominating mess is really a lot of work, taking away from her self-love time: Okay, I’ll talk to him.

Britney drags Matt to the Pantry Room. Brit: “What should I do?” (Oh, good GOD, girl. Can you seriously not make a decision on your own?) Matt: “Enzo!” Britney: “But you’re the BEST to win Veto!” Matt: “Don’t put me up as a pawn.” I will cut you.

Britney in the Diary Room: “I don’t know what to do!”

Matt in the Diary Room: “How about we don’t put ME up, Britney?”

Standard scene with Britney staring at the Houseguest Wall and acting like she’s tormented about what to do. She gives her “one of my duties” speech, which is pretty stupid, we all know what she has to do. I seriously don’t understand why the BB producers make them say this every time. We get it. “Your duty” is to put two people up. Check.

Brendon in the Diary Room: “I will send her home if she puts me up.” (Again, you can’t do squat if you’ve been evicted. Did you not get my memo?)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “For Britney’s sake, she better not put me up.” Then he raises up his shirt and shows off his less-than-stellar abs. It’s a trademark move with him, but means nothing. This man REALLY enjoys his own body.

Britney in the Diary Room: “This is SO difficult. If I put two people up, one of them is going to stay and they’re going to be mad at me.” (Okay, I’ll ask it for the four-thousandth time. Have you NOT WATCHED the show? This is how it works. Why are you surprised about that extra person not being happy?)

Time for the Nomination Ceremony.

Britney lugs in the wheel o’ keys, and it’s bigger than she is. No one offers to help her anemic body carry and place the thing, proof that chivalry really is dead. People pull things, and it turns out that Brendon and Enzo are on the block.

Britney to Enzo: You’re the only person who has not been on the block. In no way is this an attack on you.

Britney to Brendon: You came after me last week.

And that’s actually not right. Brendon in the Diary Room: I wasn’t even coming for you. (But it doesn’t really matter, Brendon, because these people don’t like you.)

Matt in the Diary Room: I’m fine either way. Have you seen my pecs lately?

Britney in the Diary Room: We’ll see what happens after the Veto Competition. Does anybody know where my servants ran off to?

Enzo in the Diary Room: This is MY game. Britney don’t know what she doin’. (Really? Your game? If by “your game” you mean “I can do nothing and still win”, then maybe. But let’s throw in that “reality” business. You might want to pack your catnip.)

Roll end credits.

#157 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 19

And, Julie’s here, wearing a nice k.d. lang-tribute pantsuit and enough necklaces that she should easily be able to hog-tie something at a rodeo. She’s brimming with news and irritating energy. “Matt has the Diamond Power of Veto and he’s going to need it! Get ready for the biggest night of blindsides the game has ever seen! I clearly had several glasses of wine before tonight’s broadcast and I can’t stop grinning!”

Quick review of the last episode (Ragan cries, The Brigade continues to not really know what they are doing, Rachel terrorizes the planet and still doesn’t understand why nobody wants to exchange friendship bracelets, Kathy falls off the balance beam, this time a real one) and then Announcer Guy also babbles about the Diamond Power of Veto.

Time for us to just use that Power of Madonna Veto thing. Getting a wee bit tired of hearing about it. Sayin.

Julie again. Guess what she talks about? Yep.

Oh, and she also warns us that you can never underestimate the power of the pretzel. (Did this just become a cooking show?) But I assume she’s talking about Rachel’s snack message. (Really, Rachel, you couldn’t find a piece of paper and a pen somewhere in that house?)

We start the new stuff right after Brendon puts Matt on the block as a replacement. (Matt’s hoodie is zipped up and not showing his chest for once, so I guess that’s his way of appearing sad even though we all know he’s got that Diamond Shaft somewhere handy.) So of course everybody runs to the Diary Room.

Lane: “It sucks! Matt is the enemy.” (My head might be big but it’s totally empty! Yay!)

Brendon: “When Matt walks through the door of the jury house, Rachel is going to know that I love her.” (Okay, that’s it, I’ve run out of words to show my astonishment at Brendon’s blind devotion to a really bad drag queen.)

Matt: “I have the Diamond Power of Veto!” (Really? OMG! Who knew?) “I can pull myself off!” (Oh my.) “And name the replacement!”

Enzo: What is this room for? Oh yeah. “I trust Lane more than Matty.”

Ragan, alone in the Swamp Room, feeling blue about Matt maybe going home, especially because his wife has that non-existent bone disease, makes himself hold back the tears. “I’m crying too much!” Yes, you are, Rachel.

Ragan and Matt on the deck in the courtyard, with Ragan saying “you HAVE to stay!” Matt plays up the sadness about his situation. (Matt in the Diary Room: “I can’t say anything. Poor guy.”) Matt also picks slop out of his teeth, which was a treasure to watch. Then he winks at the camera.

Matt, Hayden and Enzo in the Pantry Room. (Nobody fondles any fruit this time, in case you are keeping track of such things.) Matt: Would you guys tell me if you’re going against me on Thursday? Hayden and Enzo: Oh yeah, sure. We tight.

Matt in the Diary Room: Having the Diamond Ring is kind of fun because it lets me find out things. If I see that Hayden and Enzo vote against me, I might just find a new alliance. (Dude, I have been saying this since Day 3. Why aren’t you taking my messages? Do you have me blocked?)

Hayden tells Matt about Rachel getting creative with the food in the HOH Room and spelling out Matt’s name. Matt: How do you know? Hayden (looking like a total bum whacked out on Strawberry Hill): Kathy told us. This makes Matty mad. Why didn’t Kathy tell ME! Total betrayal! Replacement nominee?

Lane, Hayden and Enzo meet near the swimming pool, with Lane floating around like he’s not sure how he got in the water, Hayden picking at his toes, and Meow-Meow looking around for his litter box. Lane: Matty talked to you yet? Enzo: We’re not voting for him. We’re voting for you. Then Enzo coughs up a hairball.

Lane in the Diary Room: I only need three votes. I’ve got Hayden and Enzo, and I think I can get Britney. Because she likes it when I make her airborne.

Matt and Enzo in the Swamp Room, listening to the faded echoes of Ragan crying all the time. Matt pushes for Enzo’s vote, using the fake wife illness again. Enzo’s a little squirmy, and Matt notices this. Probably because Matt is lying where he can look up Enzo’s shorts.

Matt in the Diary Room: What Enzo is basically saying is “Can I kick you out of the house and make sure you still vote for me in the end? I may put Enzo up as a replacement nominee.

Jules again: Ragan’s final Saboteur thingy could be the difference between who stays and who goes.

Oh?

Ragan is called to the Diary Room so he can pick his next secret bit of deviltry. He decides on leaving a note in the house that says “I know your secret.” A bit later, he slips the note under Enzo’s pillow. He finds it and shows it to Kathy, who is sleeping in a nearby bed with a monkey. (Apparently it’s really hard to find good men after 40.)

Enzo runs out and gathers up Hayden, Lane, Ragan, Britney and Matty. (He says “Yo, the Saboteur struck!” enough times that I want to join Britney in her constant urge to hurl.) They all pile into the daybed room, and Enzo holds court. He’s kind of suspicious that Kathy made his bed, an obvious sign of evil.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “The sherrif is the Saboteur. Give me a Scooby snack.”

Back to the daybed room, where now they are all thinking of sure signs that Kathy is the Saboteur. She makes beds. She throws competitions. She wears mascara. It’s got to be her.

Matt in the Diary Room: He’s thrilled with this talk about Kathy, because if he puts her up when he uses the Cubic Zirconia Power of Veto, they will be happy it’s her.

Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s thrilled that no one suspects HIM of being the Saboteur. And that the Lifetime Channel was invented. I’m $20,000 richer.

Jules talks to the houseguests. To Britney: How’d you like Rachel coming back? It was crazy! To Ragan: Any regrets about getting into it with jury-member Rachel? Nope. To Lane: If you could have your mother send you one thing? Muscle milk. (What the hell?) This scares Julie and she moves on.

She takes a vote. Who believes the Saboteur is still in the house? Everybody raises their hands. Jules: I can guarantee that the Saboteur is sitting among you at this very moment. But their reign of terror is officially over. Back in a bit!

Commercials. Are you depressed? Take pills.

Jules: Lane and Britney’s flirtations have their small hometowns buzzing. Then we get to meet lots of country folk. And see Britney ride on Lane’s back while he does pushups. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Time to Vote.

Julie asks the nominees to do their “save me” thing. Matt first.

Well, then, it’s finally time for the Diamond Anniversary Veto. Matt slams Brendon, calls him a big dummy, and then whips out his special treasure. Sadly, right at this triumphant moment, the stupid fake diamond ring falls off the cheap-ass ribbon. (That sound you hear is somebody in the BB prop department being fired.) But anyway, he uses it, and Julie confirms the authenticity of the broken veto. She tells the folks that he got it for opening Pandora’s box, and now he gets to name a replacement.

Using my special jaw-dropping measurement device, I’ll tag Britney as the most surprised. Brendon just sits there and doesn’t seem to quite understand what is going on.

Matt nominates Kathy. (That sound you hear is a wimp not using a great opportunity.)

Julie now asks for the “save me” speeches AGAIN.

Lane: You are my second family. I have nothing bad to say about Kathy. Good luck.

Kathy: I love everybody. I kept my integrity. I’m not going to lie, cheat or steal. If that gets me kicked out, so be it.

And we vote. Almost everybody is screaming and jumping as they do so, thrilled to vote for Kathy. It’s unanimous.

Julie breaks the news. Kathy is very gracious (“Be good to each other”) and then has to tromp out of the house without her bag, because how was she supposed to know to pack? Poor thing.

Exit interview.

Julie: What’s going on in that head of yours? (Oh, Julie, you need to be careful.) Kathy: I didn’t have a chance to fight. (True, don’t really care for it when they do this. Not fair.) Julie: Why did Matt put you up? Kathy: He’s closer to the other people in the house. Julie: Surprised by unanimous? Kathy: No. The house always votes together. I’m the only one who votes the way I want to. (And you have to give her that. She did what she wanted to do.)

Time for the HOH Competition.

Julie tells us that “yesterday, BB put a twist on Simon Says” called, no surprise, “Big Brother says”. We see scenes of the houseguests reacting to the Announcer Guy instructing them to do weird things. (“Big Brother says go into the backyard, get down on your knees, and howl at the moon.” They do.) This goes on for a while, with plenty of quirky activities, but one thing I notice is that with each announcement, not everybody is playing along. Hmmm. What were the missing people doing that they couldn’t stop and join the fun?

Anyway, live again, we go to the backyard and the competition starts. Julie will read quotes from the “Big Brother Says“ thing, and the houseguests must decide if the quote is true or false. Answer wrong, and you’re gone.

Houseguests drop, and it comes down to Enzo and Britney. (Not kidding, Enzo makes it this far.) But Britney wins. We watch everybody pretend to be really happy for her, then we go back to the studio

Julie: Britney will get to nominate two people for eviction. But she will not be the only one to hold power next week. Stay tuned!

Oh God.

Commercials. Have you not eaten anything fattening today? Here’s some ideas.

Julie talks to the houseguests in the Couch Room. It’s boring, so nothing to report. Julie dismisses them to go round up all the empty mascara tubes in the house now that Kathy is gone. (That sound you hear is a dump truck being fired up.)

Then Julie tells us that next Thursday will be a double eviction, where they cram a full week of activity into one hour. Great. Somebody else will be going home with no chance to save themselves.

We end with a peek at the houseguests reacting to tonight’s surprising turn of events. This mostly consists of Brendon just standing there and waiting to be nominated.

Roll credits.

#156 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 18

We start with a quick review of the mayhem from the last episode (people crying in the swamp room, Lane playing “brother” and tossing about “sister” Britney like a rag doll as they both giggle and pretend that this has nothing to do with lust, and some revealing documentary footage that Kathy is unable to close her eyes at night after 40 years of mascara abuse). Oh, and the Announcer guy says “The Brigade got hit with a grenade” (Lane’s nomination), meaning even the BB producers are using that dumb-ass Brigade slogan. Blech.

Then we get to the new stuff, right after Ragan and Lane were put on the block, and we have a round of Diary Room confessions.

Ragan: “I am devastated. I am having a full-blown meltdown.” (Girl, you have those with simple things like people not putting the toothpaste cap back on tight enough.)

Lane: “I don’t know why I’m up.” (This does not surprise me, Lane. You’re confused by breakfast cereals.)

Brendon: “Lane is a pawn, Ragan is the target. But neither of them has had to fight to stay in this game.” (Which is totally stupid, making it personal instead of strategic. Say, Brendon, do you often have breakfast with Lane?)

Britney: “I think Brendon has a bigger plan. He’s not after Ragan or Lane.” (This would be an interesting thought if we weren’t talking about Brendon. After all, he hasn’t been thinking clearly since he was first caressed by the billowing synthetic fibers in Rachel’s hair extensions.)

Then we have Ragan in the Swamp Room, crying and talking to himself. “This is my opportunity to shine.” Then he blows his nose with enough force to create a tsunami, which is now headed to a poor Far Eastern country where nobody has flood insurance and the houses are made out of wax paper.

Brendon and Lane, chatting. Brendon: “You’re not the target. And if Ragan wins Power of Veto, Matt or Britney goes home.”

Time to pick players for the Power of Veto Competition. Brendon draws Enzo, Ragan gets Kathy (cue laugh track), and Lane, with a “Houseguest’s Choice” draw, picks Hayden. (Enzo in the Diary Room: “If I win, I’m safe.” Then I guess you’ll have to go with Plan B, because you seem unable to win squat.)

Quick scene with Ragan pouting in the Diary Room, because it’s just not FAIR that he might get sent home before he can finish his two weeks as The Saboteur. Interesting that you should bring that up, Ragan. Because really, all we’re seeing is Darth Vader videos, and nothing where you have to actually sneak about the house and do actual work. Explain to me again why you even deserve the $20,000? Just wondering.

Then we have some weird robot thing coming out of the Diary Room and telling the slumbering houseguests to “wake up”, and then making fun of them, because he’s the “Zingbot 3000” or some such. It’s pretty stupid, and this is one of those shame-filled moments when I realize that my life could be better spent doing anything other than watching this mess.

Oh, but the robot is also going to host the Veto Competition, so I guess he does serve some obscure purpose. Everybody tromps out to the courtyard, and we learn that this game involves carrying puzzle pieces across a balance beam and a spinning disc thing, and then assembling 4 puzzles that spell out “VETO”. And if you fall off at any point, you’re eliminated. Ready, go!

Right away, Kathy: “I’m taking my time on this one.”

Britney in the Diary Room: “You’re taking your time on this one? Oh, on THIS one. Okay. Because it’s not a race or anything.” Britney really is funny, when she’s not spending her time lacerating everyone around her with negative whining. And Monet getting the boot has actually calmed Britney down a little bit.

Diary Room moments for both Ragan and Lane, both of them doing the “gotta win” spiel and crossing their fingers. Yes, we know you need to win. But we don’t need to hear you say that 46 times in one episode.

Kathy in the Diary Room, complaining about the spinning disc part of the competition, accompanied by shots of her gingerly maneuvering across the disc without any urgency at all: “I don’t even ride the Ferris wheels at the carnival.” Well, it may not have been the Ferris wheel, but you’ve clearly ridden something. For a very long time.

Shots of Brendon obviously looking at Ragan doing the puzzles, and thereby cheating. He’s such a good sport.

Kathy is the first to fall and is eliminated. This is a total surprise and everyone is stunned. Not.

In the end, Ragan wins, meaning Brendon will have to name a replacement nominee. (Ragan in the Diary Room: This means, one, that I get to stay, and two, that I’m going to get the $20,000 for being The Saboteur. Yay! And three, I’m still wondering what Ragan really did that justifies that $20K. Maybe I’m just bitter.)

Brendon in the Diary Room: “I still have Britney and Matt” to put up. (Again, why are they your focus?)

Britney in the Diary Room: “Now I have to talk to the Neanderthal again.” (Again, sucking up is intrinsic to this game. I know you got the BB handbook. Use it.)

Lane: “We can’t have anyone in The Brigade going up against me.” (Well, since it’s quickly coming to the point where The Brigade will be the only people in the house, it’s bound to happen. Not happy that your little Brigade has slid under the radar so far, but it will be fun to watch you four tear at each other when it comes down to that.)

Cut to commercials. Can we get a moratorium on the BB advertisement where Monet (I think) screams “It’s party time. Yeah!” Sick of that.

Britney, Ragan and Matty in the Swamp Room. They basically agree that Kathy is the one that should go up on the block and then home. Then Matt wanders out to get some slop. Ragan turns to Britney and goes into full Bette Davis mode: Neither Matt nor I will ever screw you over. “I love you!” Then he starts sobbing. Britney, startled and not sure what to do, jabs herself in the eye with a finger so she can squeeze out a tear.

Hayden and Enzo, somewhere. Enzo: “If Matt goes home, it’s better for us.” Then they grip each other in places that you probably shouldn’t grip if you’re not in a relationship. Hayden in the Diary Room: He basically wants Matt out, because he wins stuff.

Brendon wanders into the HOH Room, where the Pandora’s box has been activated again, tempting him. He reads the letter about something good OR bad happening to the house if he accepts, but then he sees a video with Rachel splashing water on herself and he’s gone. “I choose most definitely” to open the box. (I’m thinking he’s already done that, but I digress.) Once he activates Pandora, he goes inside the secret chamber and finds another envelope.

“You get a 24-hour rest from the game,” shipped off to a nice vacation spot. “I get to see Rachel!” he proclaims, and wanders out a door on the other side of the chamber.

Back in the house, the doorbell rings. Everybody scampers to see who it is, and it’s Rachel. “I’m back, bitches!” (Britney in the Diary Room: “I wanted to throw up on myself.” Have you ever noticed how many things make Brit want to hurl? Perhaps she should see somebody about that.) Rachel: “Somebody opened Pandora’s box and I’m here for 24 hours.”

Then she immediately gets into a shouting match with Ragan. For the record, she started it. After they spar for a bit, Rachel runs up to the HOH Room, fully expecting to find her honey, Brendon. The door is locked. Hmmm.

Downstairs, Britney thinks that Brendon has been locked in Pandora’s box for an equal 24 hours. Good call, but not quite right. Rachel tromps back down the spiral staircase, and goes after Ragan again, with this round ending in Ragan spitting: “Count your friends in this house. Done already?”

And then they fight some more. Ragan asks “Ray-tress” to bring him a cocktail, then offers this: “You could have been decent, but you came in just like you left.”

This is not going to be a pleasant day in the life, just sayin’.

Then Rachel throws out this, which marks her for extinction in my book: “Do you have to be the biggest bitch because you’re gay?”

Oh, no she didn’t.

Ragan: “No, it’s because you’re a horrible person.”

And this goes on and on and ON. Ragan is actually very sharp and witty with his responses, while Rachel basically flips her hair and refuses to accept the fact that she might be out of line. (Rachel: “I’ll make every minute of the 24 hours miserable for you!”)

Now, the thing that bugs me the most about this extended confrontation? That nobody else in the house has Ragan’s back during the mess. Rachel is out of her mind with mean vindictiveness, yet they all look the other way. Because Rachel’s on the jury? Please. That girl ain’t votin’ for nobody except Brendon. She’s a lost cause. So you people not coming to Ragan’s defense are just pathetic.

Really don’t like the people in the house this season.

Later, Matt discovers that the HOH Room is now unlocked. So everybody thunders up there to see what’s going on. Close-up of Rachel pounding on the Pandora door and begging for Brendon to come out.

Cut to Brendon at the “vacation house”, wandering around and calling Rachel’s name. Eventually he finds a card explaining that “Rachel’s enjoying her vacation somewhere else”. Brendon: At least she’s having a nice time wherever she is. Then his clueless ass jumps in the pool and splashes around.

Back at the BB house, Rachel stomps out to the courtyard and proceeds to torment Ragan about her making cookies, knowing full well (courtesy of Britney) that he’s a Have-Not and can’t eat the cookies. And here we go with another round of bitter screaming. This goes on forever, so I’ll just throw out some choice quotes.

Ragan: “The only thing honest about you is the pimples on your face.”

Ragan: “Get on your broom and fly back into the house.”

Rachel: “Nobody likes you!”

Ragan: “You are the most vile devil child in the world.”

Rachel: “You suck at being gay.”

Ragan: “You will get what is coming to you. Take it as a tip and learn from it.”

Ragan stomps into the house and slams the sliding glass door. Rachel just stands there, unable to comprehend what she has done wrong, while Britney pretends to play pool with… I don’t know, one of The Brigade Boys. Again, nobody defends Ragan.

Rachel marches up to the HOH Room and uses some pretzels to spell out Matt’s name. The she trounces back downstairs, finds Enzo and hugs him, them convinces Kathy to stagger back up to the HOH Room with her. (I’m impressed that Kathy can navigate the spiral staircase. Who knew she had it in her?) Once there, Rachel: I spelled Matt out on purpose. Make sure that nobody comes up here.

Then Rachel leaves the house, her stay finally ended, and blood pressures drop.

Kathy races to tell Hayden and Enzo that Rachel left Matt’s name upstairs. Based on the expressions the two guys have, I’m not really sure they know who Matt is.

Later still, back up to the HOH Room. Brendon wanders out of the Pandora room, freshly returned from his vacation in wherever. He spies the pretzel message from Rachel. (In the Diary Room: Matt? Done!) Then he moseys out on the upstairs balcony, where he learns that Rachel was here and he wasn’t. Surprisingly, he doesn’t take his own life.

Kathy: “It was pretty dramatic in here.”

Understatement. Of. The. Century.

Brendon drags Britney up to the HOH Room. Brendon: Just checking to make sure our agreement still holds. Britney: “100 percent.” (Britney in the Diary Room: Are you kidding? I will promise my first-born child.)

Brendon and Ragan in the HOH Room. Ragan: “People need to see you as you, not as Rachel and Brendon.” Then Ragan hints that Matt should go up, but cautions that if Britney is nominated, she’ll go home, but Matt may not.

And we have another Darth Vader video. “There’s a competition tomorrow that could change the course of the game. Get some sleep.” The houseguests scurry to get some shut-eye. But Darth keeps coming back on the monitor. All night long. So nobody gets any sleep, and Kathy in particular looks like we should just throw some dirt on her face and call it done. In the last Darth video, the bleary-eyed houseguests learn that there really isn’t a competition. Hee hee.

Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s very happy that his latest Saboteur prank has everybody in an uproar. Then Liza Minnelli walks in again, and asks him where he got his blouse.

Time for the Veto Meeting.

Ragan removes himself from the block. Natch.

Brendon nominates Matt as a replacement. Not so natch, but still.

Ragan slams the Veto box closed, triggering some final Diary Room moments.

Ragan: He’s really sad that Matt had to go up. But not so sad that he’s going to forfeit his $20K for being The Saboteur.

Enzo: The worst has finally happened. It might be time for Matt to go home. Then Enzo gets distracted by a mirror and some catnip.

Britney: I have a huge sense of relief. Does anybody have some hand lotion?

Lane: I’m gonna do what I gotta do. Lane, you have no idea what that might be.

Matt: I’m not worried. I’ve got the Madonna Veto. I can’t wait to see Brendon’s face when I use it.

Me: I can’t wait, either. Especially since I expected you to use the Diamond Veto as soon as you were put on the block, because isn’t this the Veto meeting? Why wait? Did I miss a memo? Probably.

So if Matt uses Madonna right before the actual vote, anything could happen. Oh boy.

Roll end credits.