#177 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 7

We start out at the Espada camp, right after they’ve stupidly sent Yve home instead of worthless Dan. Amazingly, some of them are loving on Danny, glad that he’s still here. Dan is even calling himself “Teflon Dan”, convinced he’s in it for the long run. Blech. (Chase in a sidebar: “It’s going to be a tough pill to swallow” if Dan costs us the next competition. Um, maybe you should have thought of that before you voted.)

Next we have Chase, NaOnka and Holly off to the side. Chase: Alina is next. The girls nod enthusiastically, and then conversation come to a complete halt as Chase and Nay realize that Holly still has her bathing suit on backwards and they’re too tired to bring it up.

Cut to the La Flor tribe, right after they’ve crudely sent home Kelly B because she was brazen enough to come on “Survivor” with a metal leg. Marty and Jill confront Sash about the vote. What just happened? Sash at first tries to act like he doesn’t know what they’re talking about, then finally weakly hints that the Idol had something to do with it. Then Sash runs off to look at his reflection in the water.

Marty in a sidebar: Jane is a miserable wretch and she has to go. Then Marty runs to look at his reflection in the water, sees Sash already doing that, gets extremely jealous, and tries to vote Jimmy Johnson out. Oh wait, I might be a little bit confused.

Roll opening credits.

Back to the La Flor tribe, where Marty confronts Jane. Marty: I never lied to you, I never misrepresented you, I never wrote your name down, and I never suggested your name.

Jane: That there was a whole lot of words so I really don’t know what you’re hollerin’ about. But I never had a clue.

Marty: I think you wrote my name down.

Jane just cackles and runs off to the Cornpone Festival on a nearby island.

Marty runs to Jill and shares the conversation he had with Jane. Of course, Marty makes it sound like Tokyo Jane whipped out a machete and tried to hack him to death and he barely escaped with his life, because Marty is all about understatement and subtlety.

Jill in a sidebar: Marty and I are scrambling to stay alive. Hmmm. I wouldn’t call it scrambling. I’d call it both of you sitting around and not networking. Fair?

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Jeff describes the prize as a “Nicaraguan Farm Experience”. (What the hell? Was this an early Jimmy Hendrix band?) Nope, the winning tribe apparently gets to ride horses and then gets to eat breakfast as well as drink milk that they have collected from cows. You can tell by the confused expressions that half the people thought milk came from plastic bottles, not cows.

Anyway, the tribes have to run down this little ramp, leap through the air, throw a ball at a net, then splash into a primitive swimming pool. Trouble is, one person from the other tribe is standing on a platform between you and the net, trying to swat away your efforts. Chase and Fabio are the defenders, and everybody else is hurling. And we’re off.

Some highlights: Marty manages to nail Chase right in the privates, probably because people aren’t paying enough attention to his own testosterone. Danny pathetically stops at the end of the ramp, weakly tosses the ball, and then falls in the water. He misses, but Jeff warns him: It will not count if you don’t jump. Oh, and Fabio pees in the pool, which totally mortifies everyone. (Like they never have, but still, Fabio dude, why did you have to talk about it?)

In the end, Espada wins Reward. Cheering on their part ensues.

In a sidebar, Purple Kelly admits to being confused about how you “milk your own milk”. Those poor cows don’t know what’s coming. Has anyone cleared this with PETA?

Over to the La Flor camp, where we see Jane fishing, alone. While she doesn’t catch anything, she rattles on about “the word quit is not in my vocabulary”, she’s trying to stay in good graces with the youngsters, and they can “lounge around all they want as long as they think I’m important”. We then see several shots of the youngsters lying about the camp, waiting for someone to walk up and hand them food. No one does.

Sash in a sidebar: The old people can feed me all they want, but in the end it’s about how loyal you are to me. (Gee, he’s not arrogant at all, is he? A real saint.)

Cut to the Espada tribe astride horses plodding along some trail. (Chase in a sidebar: “Riding horses reminds me of God.” Oh? Just what church do you go to? Saint McDonald’s?) The tribe eventually rides up to a farm and everybody falls off their horses. (NaOnka’s horse looks especially displeased, so no telling what Nay did to the poor thing on the way over.)

Time to milk the cows, who look especially thin and haggard. (You’d think the casting department would have done a better job. Then again, they aren’t so good at picking out humans, either.) Shots of people tugging and pulling while the cows politely tolerate them.

NaOnka, detailing her unenthusiastic attempt at milk squirting: “I don’t play with animals’ nipples trying to get milk out.” Oh my.

Back to the La Flor camp, where we are treated to a montage of everybody else doing nothing while Jane continues to fish. She eventually snags one, then decides to race into the woods and cook it up for herself. In a very extended monologue, she rambles on about how people don’t give her enough credit, and that she deserves to have this solitary meal. Of course, her vocal delivery is full of garbled, homespun phrases so I don’t really get everything she says. She may have actually been talking about giving birth to triplets for all I know.

More of the Espada tribe at the local farm, where they are dining on fresh cheese and fruits and fixins, while the locals stand around in that confused way the locals always do when the “Survivor” behemoth rolls into a remote town and tells folks to do something authentic and native. Holly starts babbling about how this spread reminds her of home, then she burst into emotional tears, followed by Alina joining the waterworks.

Surprisingly, even NaOnka seems to tear up, showing that she might have a heart that actually beats. (Then she ruins it in a sidebar, bitter about Holly and Alina trying to look like they were bonding: “I can play that game”. She was faking it.) NaOnka’s horse whinnies from the sidelines, indicating that Nay does indeed play, just not in a nice way. The horse then speaks with the ranch foreman about his mental health benefits and a possible medical leave.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains what the tribes will do: Two people stand on a tower, and roll balls down a chute. 4 members of the tribe will pull on ropes to adjust the chute. The goal is to direct the balls so they will break 5 tiles that belong to the other tribe. Winning tribe gets immunity, losing tribe has to stand there and look sad.

Off we go, and it’s really not a contest. Almost immediately, the La Flor tribe starts arguing about how to do things. (If you were to guess that Marty was part of the problem, you’d get a gold star.) Espada easily wins.

Jill in a sidebar: Marty has the Idol, so it’s probably me. Dramatic music ensues, shots of creepy animals doing slithery things in the forest.

La Flor camp.

Marty hangs his Idol on a tree again, just so everybody can remember that he has it. Of course they remember. You haven’t stopped talking about it since you found it.

The youngsters and Jane gather for a confab. Sash spells it out: We vote 3 for Marty (hoping to flush the Idol), 2 for Jill. This will lead to a tie between Jill and whoever Marty and Jill finger. Then they all vote Jill.

Another sidebar with Jane, where she explains that she really, really, really can’t stand Marty and Jill. Wants them gone. Got it.

Back to Sash and Our Gang. Sash: What if I go to Marty, tell him this plan, then counter-offer by asking Marty to give me the Idol, and promise to vote for Jane. Then we actually vote Marty out. Hurray! Everyone’s eyes sparkle at this bit of treachery and deception. Then they all lay back down, because talking is such hard work. Except for Jane. She runs off into a nearby field to build a log cabin.

Brenda and Sash on the beach, positioning themselves so that the fading sunlight emphasizes their pleasing bone structure. Sash: If we play this plan, Jill won’t trust us. Brenda: So?

Fine. So Sash moseys up to Marty, and kicks the plan into gear, using phrases like “look you in the eye man-to-man” and “shake on it”. (Words that, if you’ve ever watched the show, should be total warning signs.) Marty: I’ll just go home next week. Sash: “If we lose Immunity next week, I’ll give the Idol back.” Marty and his hair seem to seriously contemplate this possibility.

Marty in a sidebar: “I feel completely powerless!” (To be fair, you basically always were. You just didn’t want to face the fact.)

Amazingly, Marty gives the Idol to Sash. (Say it with me, folks: Dumb-ass.)

Marty in a sidebar: This might give me another cycle in the game. (So would keeping the Idol and playing it to save yourself. Hello?)

Sash in a sidebar, full of that annoying arrogance: “I don’t even have to dig, people will just hand me Idols.” (Remind anyone of Russell from seasons past? Thought so.)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Fabio: Back-to-back losses. Does this tribe still have momentum?

Fabio has no idea what momentum might be.

Jeff to Jane: The last Tribal was crazy. What was the vibe afterwards?

Jane: We talked, and we know what we need to do. (Then she guts a fish and snacks on it, raw, for the rest of Tribal.)

Jeff to Jane: Do the outsiders in the tribe know who they are?

Jane, using her knife to pick at her teeth, because she‘s so classy: Yes.

Marty: Jane’s a flipper. (I can’t help it, I immediately think of dolphins and cheesy 60’s TV shows.)

Jane: When we became yellow, I became yellow. (That can be taken so many ways.)

Jeff to Marty: Any Idol talk?

Marty praises himself about not playing the Idol the last time and doesn’t really answer the question.

Sash: “The Idol is in my pocket.”

Jeff is astonished. What’s going on here? (Are we seriously supposed to believe that Jeff didn’t already know this? Is it THAT hard to get out of your deluxe trailer and talk to some of your production people?) How do the rest of you feel about Sash having the Idol?

Fabio, hopefully not peeing as he sits there: “WE have the Idol.”

Jeff: We? Do you really? Brenda?

Brenda, looking as if she’s not quite sure what her name might be: “We’re fine.”

Jeff to Sash: “Then give the Idol to Brenda.” (Really? Jeff is feeling pretty frisky.)

Sash: “If someday I don’t trust them… I mean, if they don’t trust me-”

Jeff jumps on this. Jeff to Fabio: Do you know what a Freudian slip is?

Fabio stuns everyone (or at least me) by actually understanding. Sometimes things you want to hide slip out.

Moment of silence while everyone has to reconsider what they might know about Fabio.

Jane breaks the spell: “Any time you give up the Idol, it bites you in the end.”

Time to vote.

2 votes for Jane, 2 votes for Marty, 3 for Jill.

Wow. Really thought Marty was done.

Just what are Sash and Brenda up to? Do they even know?

Roll end credits.

#176 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 6

For whatever reason, we don’t start out with the traditional “march of shame” as the losing tribe wanders back to their camp after having sent someone home. (Which means nothing happened that was the least bit juicy, because these producers will show us anything that’s minimally exciting.) Instead, it’s already the next morning at the Espada camp.

And Mother Nature is in a mood. Winds are blowing, tides are roaring, and people are running about looking dissatisfied and slightly concerned that Dorothy and Toto might drop out of the sky at any moment. Danny hobbles up to Holly, and fesses that he’s thinking of quitting the game. Holly looks at him as if she has no idea who he might be.

Holly in a sidebar: He needs to suck it up and finish the game. (This from the woman who recently spent an entire episode wallering in the sand and crying because she couldn’t deal with using dead leaves as toilet paper and just wanted to go home. Delusional much?)

Roll opening credits.

We’re still at the Espada camp, with Holly and Yve gathering firewood, both of them only holding a few twigs because between the two of them they only weight about 20 pounds. Yve: Why was I left out of the thing to send Tyrone home? Holly: We thought you were in an alliance with Tyrone. Yve: Are you crazy? Holly: Well, maybe you need to be more open and honest. (This from the woman who thought it was okay to sink somebody’s shoes in the lagoon while Gilligan and Mary Ann were building a hut.) And, oh yeah, Danny wants to go home.

Yve just looks at Holly like she can’t trust anything that ever comes out of Crazy-Eyed Woman’s mouth. Good, because Holly lost contact with reality a long time ago.

Cut to the La Flor tribe. Marty and Jill are sitting about, with both of them pretending that the younger members of their new tribe are starting to warm up to them. (They are not.) Jill in a sidebar: “They’d get rid of us in a heartbeat.” Probably so. But what’s more important to me? Both of them have spiky hairdos that scare me. You could lose an arm sleeping next to them.

Brenda in a sidebar, WAY over-confident and on the verge of me not caring for her anymore, speaking of who’s running the show in the La Flor camp: “It’s the younger tribe. Plus Jane.” We have the numbers. We’re going to vote 3 for Marty, 3 for Jill, and flush the Idol out. Then Brenda pauses to pose for the latest “Survivor Women Who Might Be in for a Big Surprise” calendar.

Time for a challenge, and both tribes march into the clearing. Jeff announces that it’s going to be an Immunity Challenge. (Really? It’s way too early in the episode for that. Something’s up.) Then Jeff startles everybody by revealing two Individual Immunity necklaces. Both tribes will be going to Tribal, and both tribes will send someone home. Uh oh. (The La Flor tribe pauses in their arrogance, their faces falling as they realize that their youthfulness and low body fat will not save them this time.)

Jeff explains. Each tribe will compete separately. Each person has to dig in the sand for these ring things, use a wood thing to flip the ring into a toilet (that’s what it looked like to me) strapped to their back, and then run to hang the ring on a post. First person to get three rings on the post wins Immunity.

In the second part of this very-complicated challenge, the winners from each tribe will then compete in a festive ring toss, with the winner gaining a Reward for their tribe. The Reward involves getting to be the first group at Tribal Council, where they send someone home, and then they get to eat a feast while the losing tribe sends their own person home. Survivors ready?

Espada is up first. I know this is really serious for them, but I’m rolling on the floor watching people run around with miniature toilets on their back and trying to flip a ring into the potty. (Jeff makes sure to holler out: “And Dan’s still getting nowhere.“ Jeff doesn‘t care for Danny. Danny doesn‘t care, period.) Stunning everyone, wild-eyed Holly wins.

Next up is La Flor, with more bouncing toilets as people realize it’s not all that easy to flip objects through the air and catch them with your backside. In another surprise, Jill wins. So much for the youngsters dominating this game. The kiddies all wander around in confusion, because they really expected all the old people to be dead by now.

Final part of the competition, with Holly and Jill hurling rings and trying to get them to catch on hooks. Jill wins again, but Holly is right there behind her. The La Flor tribe will be feasting and watching the other gang rip and tear at each other during Tribal.

Cut to the La Flor camp, where everybody is all happy and joyous. (Perhaps the MTV crowd hasn’t realized that they still have to send one of their own home.) There’s whooping and hollering and people doing group high-fives.

Brenda in a sidebar: “That was totally fake.” We are NOT family, and we don’t have all our sisters with us. This is the worst case scenario, with Jill winning Immunity, but “we’ll still vote someone out that we don’t want”.

Really? How are you going to do that? Marty and Jill both have Idols.

Cue Brenda and Sash in a conversation, showing that they don’t just hate the old people in the tribe. Sash: We’ll do 3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B. And we’ll tell Kelly B that we’re voting for Jane. (Once again, they’re hating on Kelly B because of that leg of hers. The humanity has been sucked out of these people. Then again, I’m still watching the show, so I guess I’m part of the problem and not part of the solution. My bad.)

Brenda runs to tell Kelly B the lie about everybody voting for Jane. Poor Kelly B. She nods her head in agreement. Then Brenda runs back to wherever it is that she and her conscience can live with themselves.

Brenda in a sidebar: This is all a little complicated. You never know what Fabio will do. Then Brenda pauses to pose for the “Women of Survivor with No Soul” calendar.

Next we have a scene with Marty and Fabio. Marty tells Fab the he’s some huge chess grandmaster, having beat some famous guy twice. (Fabio sucks it all in, because he wouldn’t know a chess player from a coconut.) Marty: If you wanna win this game, you come talk to me. Then Marty strokes his own ego so loudly that birds fly away from nearby trees.

Fabio in a sidebar: The chess player thing “makes sense!” Marty is SO smart. (No, you’re just stupid. How did you manage to get on the plane that brought you to this island?)

Cut to the Espada camp, where everybody is really sad. Which I don’t really get. Yes, they don’t get to eat, and they have to send someone home, but the other tribe has to say audios as well. (They get to eat, which sucks, but that’s the only leg-up they have on you.) Holly is making a big production about “how close” she was to winning the Reward. No one really cares, because Holly still has issues with how to properly wear a bathing suit, and that’s more frightening than anything else in the jungle.

Holly in a sidebar: “I’ll have to vote with the younger tribe members. It’s going to be Dan or Yve.” Then Holly has to turn away from the camera while she takes a call from her home planet.

Next up, Holly and Dan are walking along with buckets, because there’s nothing else to do around here so you might as well wander around with empty containers. Dan has decided that he wants to stay after all. Holly just looks at him. Dude, you have got to make up your mind. Then she gets distracted by the fact that there’s actually sand on the beach. Who knew?

Benry and Chase, trying to decide between Dan and Yve. Benry: I’d rather take Dan with us further in the game. (You would? Why?)

Benry in a sidebar: “Yve has got to go.”

Chase in a sidebar: “I want to keep Yve.” I don’t trust Benry. NaOnka is the only one I trust. (I agree with you on keeping Yve. But NaOnka? What’s up with that? Nay Girl has some serious reality conflicts. Then again, who on Survivor doesn’t?)

Chase and NaOnka: They both want Dan to go. No hesitation.

Yve in a sidebar: “It’s going to be me or Dan.” Then she pauses and has to deal with yet another person running up and asking why her head seems so oddly-shaped.

Yve runs to NaOnka and Alina. Yve: I don’t want to go. Holly said Dan wants to go. If we make it to the merge, I know the old Espada tribe and I can help you out.

Alina in a sidebar, which she doesn’t deserve because she’s worthless: Yve knows the old Espada tribe? That’s the perfect argument to get rid of her. (No, it’s not. Yve can be your ally in all this mess. Seriously, is there a checkbox on the “Survivor” application form that says “I am incapable of rational thought. I will do stupid things because I can’t think ahead. And I have large breasts. Love me.”)

New scene with Danny snoozing away in the camp hut, obviously proving his worthlessness. Holly, Chase and NaOnka are standing about, watching his un-productivity. Out of nowhere, Chase states that he is not sure about sending Danny home. What the hell? The other two girls just stare at Chase. Why can’t people make a decision and just stick to it? God.

La Flor tribe, where Brenda is babbling to Jane: “In our plan, you just gotta vote for Marty.” Jane doesn’t bother with details like “what exactly IS the plan?” or “what’s in it for me?”. She just nods her head and then tries to figure out exactly what has happened to her hair that makes it look like road kill.

Jane in a sidebar: Marty and Jill have been conniving against me since Day One. (Not really. Perhaps the better statement would be “I’m going to jump on any ship that will get me past the next Tribal Council. Because I’m from the sticks, and I cackle at things that aren’t really funny. I need help.”)

Sash and Fabio in a confab, which is really a stretch because Fabio still hasn’t even realized that the game has started. He thinks they keep going to the beach to look for clams, not to actually win competitions. Sash: “We need to flush the Idol. 3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B.” Fabio: “What?”

Fabio in a sidebar: “What?” I want Marty to stay.

Sash in a sidebar: This Fabio thing? Something could go wrong.

Word.

Scene with Sash, Fabio and Marty. Sash and Fabio (well, really just Sash, because Fabio is still confused by things like daylight and wind) are trying to convince Marty that Jane is the target. Marty nods, his porcupine hair slicing the roof of the hut into shreds.

Marty runs to Brenda. “So it’s Jane?” Brenda nods wisely, then pauses to pose for the “Survivor Women Who Will Eventually Trip Over Their Own Lies” calendar.

Brenda in a sidebar: “It all depends on Marty playing the Idol.” (Ya think?)

Sash runs to Brenda: Fabio’s not sure about voting Marty out. (To be fair, Fabio’s not sure a lot of things, like clouds and miniature golf.)

Marty in a sidebar: He feels like Jane’s a lock, so he’s not going to play the Idol.

Time for the La Flor Tribal.

First there’s a bit of general chit-chat, then Jeff goes after Marty, concentrating on him being over-confident and showing everybody the Idol. Marty tries to put a spin on it, saying he did it for “trust”.

Brenda: “He’s trying to make it more noble than it really is.” (Marty turns and glares at Brenda like she just did something offensive with a crucifix.)

Jeff to Jane: “Do you feel safe?”

Brenda again: “She has to worry about Jill and Marty voting her out.” (What? Why’d she go and say that? Is she trying to unnerve Marty and flush the Idol? Not sure.)

This leads to a heated discussion between Brenda and Marty, with Brenda showing that she can be creative with the truth and Marty showing that he really thinks he’s just the greatest thing in the world. At the end of this mess, Marty turns to Jane and whispers “vote Brenda”. Jane whispers back “who the hell is Brenda?”

Time to Vote. Everybody traipses off to do their thing. Then Jeff: Anybody want to play an Idol before I reveal? Everybody turns to look at Marty, including several natives walking by on the beach. Marty just sits there. Okay, then.

3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B (this was planned), and 2 votes for Brenda (those would be coming from Marty and Jill). We have a tie.

Jeff: Okay, we’re voting again. Marty and Kelly B can’t vote.

1 vote for Marty, and then it appears that everybody else voted for Kelly B. She’s gone.

What just happened? These fools voted to keep Marty? And he still has the safety of his Idol? Not a smart move here, folks.

Time for the Espada Tribal.

Jeff spends a long time torturing the Espada tribe about the La Flor tribe getting to chow down on food while they have nothing. (Jeff has a bit of an evil streak in him.) Then Jeff gets down to business. To Dan: You okay with going home? Dan: No. I want to stay more than anything in the world.

Yve: He’s saying that now. Back at camp, he won’t shut up about wanting to go home. (Which is true.)

Jeff to Dan: Aren’t you a liability in challenges?

Dan: Nope.

Yve: Yes, he is.

Jeff to Dan: Why not send Yve home?

Dan: We should. She’s arrogant.

She’s arrogant? Oh no. Sparks fly between Yve and Danny. She is intelligent and ably defends herself, he’s just an idiot with an unjustified ego. He comes off looking really bad, but Alina and Benry (I don’t trust either of them) actually come to Danny’s defense. Something’s in the air, and I don’t like the smell of it.

Time to vote, and that “something” becomes clear: Yve is voted out.

Jeff: Based on the vote, the tribe appears unified. Based on what I heard? Not so much.

Roll end credits.

#175 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 5

We start out at the Espada camp, with people standing around after they have evicted (well, some of them) Jimmy T. Interestingly enough, Holly is babbling about Jimmy T being a really good guy, with Yve and Jill chiming in that, yep, he sure was. (Did Yve and Jill fall and hit their heads on the way back from Tribal? They voted to send Jimmy home.) Then the three of them just stand there with nothing else to say, because they’ve now talked about the only thing they have in common.

Holly in a sidebar, the insanity in her eyes made even more prominent by the night-vision cameras: “I know I’m on the outs. And something has to change.” Agreed. Let’s start with you coming back to this planet and taking a class on how to be not so annoying.

Roll opening credits.

Still at the Espada camp, the next morning. Marty, another player with reality issues, has a sidebar: “Tribal was a slam-dunk. I’m in control of this tribe now.” Then he gets quiet as the voices in his head fight for his attention.

Marty runs to Dan: We are so golden right now. “I can’t imagine anything can go wrong. Holly’s next.” Dan just stands there and nods his head, because doing anything else would require him to take a nap. Marty: “Something really whacked would have to happen to disturb our plans.”

Lighting a votive for whacked things to happen within the next hour.

Cut to the La Flor camp. There’s still tons of people left over here, but you wouldn’t know it with the way they are featuring NaOnka. In a sidebar: “I love my tribe!” You do? “These are the best people ever!” They are? “I’m just so happy to be here!”

Clearly, someone has kidnapped the real NaOnka and thrown her ass into a crocodile pit. Where she probably proceeded to kill all of them just by looking at them.

Time for a challenge. It’s not immediately clear what type of challenge it is. But at least the La Flor tribe doesn’t do one of their stupid Oompa Loompa dances as they traipse into the clearing. They do, however, seem to be surprised that Espada sent Jimmy T home. Then again, when you’re only 12 years old, everything is new and surprising.

Jeff: “Drop your buffs!”

Oh?

Jeff: “We’re going to draw for new captains.” So they do the “take a stone from a bag but don’t look at it yet” thing, with Brenda and Holly becoming the new captains and getting to decide who ends up on what tribe. (The shot of Marty realizing that Holly has power made the whole episode worth it. He looks like he’s ready to rip his own eyes out and impale himself on a camera tripod.)

This gets complicated. Jane, Jill and Marty end up going to the La Flor tribe. Benry, NaOnka, Chase and Alina go to the Espada tribe. Everybody else stays where they were. Both of the newly designed tribes pretend like they are all best friends, but you can see by the look in their eyes that nobody is very happy about having to lie to new set of people. They glare at Jeff as if he invented syphilis. (And maybe he did. I wasn’t there, can’t really say.)

Jeff: “The old versus young thing is done. The Medallion of Power is done.” (On that second bit, we see open sobbing and rending of hair.) “It’s a brand new game.”

Finally, we get to the challenge, which is for Reward, with the winners getting two chickens and a rooster. (By the joyous screams from both tribes, you’d think they were playing for the chance to sleep with Brad Pitt.) In this game, there’s a giant primitive pinball machine, with one tribe rolling balls up a chute, the ball trickles down past bumpers that can divert the ball at any point, and two members from the other tribe try to catch the ball. If you drop a ball, the other tribe gets a point. 3 points wins.

Off we go, with things being fairly close for a while. But in the end, the newly-formed Espada tribe wins, mainly because dumb-ass Marty on the La Flor tribe keeps dropping his ball. No one on La Flor really complains about his ineptitude, which means that, even though he’s only been on the new tribe for roughly two minutes, he’s already mesmerized the new tribe with his Bart Simpson hair.

Cut to the Espada camp. First we have Tyrone in a sidebar. (“I’d rather have stayed with the older tribe. But now we have pretty girls running around.” Really? That’s a good thing to focus on, Ty. Way to represent.) Then Tyrone takes an aggressive leadership roll, explaining to the new kiddies how they do things in the Espada camp. Of course this doesn’t go over well with the youngsters.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Don’t think you a G.” Huh? “G means gangsta.” Oh. My bad. Didn’t know. But really, gangsta? How is telling you that you can’t lay around on your ass all day “gangsta”?

Then we have Holly in a sidebar: “I’m reborn!” Yep. You lucked out, sister.

This is followed by NaOnka (the queen of negativity and bitter harping about everybody) telling Holly: “I love your energy!”

Nay, girl, Holly has that energy because she is completely insane. Run like you ain’t never run before.

Holly in a sidebar: “If the kids come to me with an idea, I’m with them.” Then Holly gets distracted by the wind blowing, and she turns to a coconut and blames it for everything that has ever happened in her life. The coconut wisely chooses to remain silent, and then rolls down the beach for his own sidebar. “Holly scares me,” the coconut says, a milk tear running down his shell while Jeff Probst signals for Medical to rush in and take care of things.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “I’m going wherever the numbers go. Alina and I have to make do with what we have.” Oh? You like Alina now? You hated her two seconds ago.

Back to the La Flor tribe. Jud/Fabio in a sidebar: He’s all psyched that there are only 3 Espada members in the tribe, and 5 original La Flor folks. Then he gets very quiet, not sure if this is a good thing, because that math business is really hard.

Jane in a sidebar: “I like these kids.” Then she runs to tell Brenda and… not sure, somebody else was standing there… “don’t trust Marty and Jill.” Brenda just looks at her, because Jane is old, and Brenda is assuming that the mind goes after 30. Which it does, but we don’t need to confirm that, so Brenda can experience the terror on her own in a few years.

Scene with Marty and Jud, where Marty is fishing to see if anybody on the old La Flor tribe found the Immunity Idol. Jud doesn’t really know what this is, but he does fess that NaOnka found something, after knocking Kelly B down and smashing some bananas. Marty takes this intel and runs.

He gathers the tribe, and then compares NaOnka to a cancer that should have been cut out. You can tell that the younger tribe members are trying to listen, but they really don‘t care. Then Marty fesses up that he has his own Immunity Idol. This gets their attention.

Brenda in a sidebar: “Marty is SO arrogant. Showing us the Idol. Are you stupid? That’s the dumbest thing ever!”

Well, no, it’s not the dumbest thing ever, perhaps you haven’t really watched this show before. But as long as you’re hating on Marty, go all out.

Back to the Espada camp, where it’s raining. And it continues to do so for quite a long time, making everybody snappy and uncouth. (Look, you whiners, at least you get to lay down. Those poor camera people have to stand there, completely soaked, waiting for you to do anything of interest whatsoever, so the producers can take a tiny moment of nothing and use it in a promo ad to look like something really important happened, but didn’t really.)

NaOnka in a sidebar: “I don’t like rain. I don’t like cold. I’m not doing well. I could lose it.” (Honey, you done lost it a long time ago. Don’t waste your time even looking for it, because it’s not coming back.)

Nay fesses to Alina that she’s ready to quit the game.

Alina in a sidebar: “Nay is on her period ALL the time. But that’s better for me in the long run. Hayyy.”

Alina, totally faking her support for Nay: “You have the rest of your life to be warm.” Chase wanders up and tries to be supportive as well, telling a touching story about a rainbow and his dad. (You had to be there.) Nay doesn’t care. She just wants to whine and moan.

And it keeps raining. All day. All night. We see NaOnka wake up in the middle of the night and slam a pillow into her head, crying. This action doesn’t kill her, so there’s going to be more whining. Hurray.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff to Marty: “How are things in your new camp?” Marty calls it the “Taj Mahal of camps”, immediately pissing off everybody left in his old tribe. Jane chimes in as well, extolling the virtues of the glorious La Flor camp and doing a frightening happy dance that terrifies anyone watching.

Jeff: Whatever.

Anyway, this challenge has three members from each tribe strapped to a rotating wheel. Other members rotate this wheel, causing the strapped people to be plunged into a tank of water, where they have to get a mouthful of such, then wait until they spin to the top of the wheel and spit the water into a tube. When the tube fills up, a ball is released, which allows other tribe members to throw the ball at tiles. First team to break five tiles wins. Got it?

Off we go. It’s actually very tight. First off, let’s just say that Jane can throw a mean ball. Perhaps she really hates ceramic tiles. But in the end, La Flor triumphs. Somebody from Espada is going home.

Nay in a sidebar: “Espada’s cursed! But I’m not nervous about Tribal, I want to go.” Then go tell people that, and make it easier for everybody, okay?

Meanwhile, most of the Espada tribe is hankering to kill one of the chickens for a nice feast. Tyrone is not happy about this. He wants to keep the chickens for their daily egg output. He has a point, but he’s also Tyrone. Diplomacy is not one of his special skills.

Holly in a sidebar (I’m amazed that she even knows what a camera is): “We need to start standing up to Tyrone!” Then Holly is startled by a passing seagull, and she runs screaming into the jungle in search of expensive shoes that she can sink in the ocean.

Anyway, the Espada tribe votes about dinner, and the chicken loses. People dash about preparing the meal.

Benry in a sidebar: “Tyrone won’t help with cooking the bird, but he’s right there when it’s time to eat.” And we see this, with Tyrone basically eating half of the bird while the rest of the tribe takes tiny portions. Cue several people in sidebars none too happy about Tyrone eating enough for 20 starved orphans.

Benry in another sidebar: He doesn’t care for Tyrone at all. Then again, NaOnka has completely lost her mind, crying all the time and just laying about, waiting for people to throw dirt in her face and say a prayer.

But seriously, what kind of a name is “Benry”? It’s hard for me to take notes when somebody has a name like that.

Alina to Yve, sharing what the youngsters are thinking with the senior citizens: “NaOnka is DONE.” Yve, with her oddly-shaped face, doesn’t appear to fully understand what is being expressed. Perhaps her parents shouldn’t have given her a name that’s just not right. Were her parents friends with Benry’s parents? Did they go to the same summer camp and take the same drugs?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Alina: Tell me what’s going on.

Alina: There’s been a little bit of turf war. We have to go with their rules. Then she demurely glances at Tyrone as if he had “666” etched into his scalp.

Benry: Tyrone’s the guy. We have to do what he says. Then he glances at Tyrone as if… well, you get the picture.

Tyrone: I definitely feel qualified to lead this tribe, but I don’t make unilateral decisions.

Alina rolls her eyes, perhaps in disagreement, but possibly because “unilateral” just has too many syllables.

Jeff to Alina: Tell me about these turf wars.

Alina: Well, there was Tyrone’s speech when we got to camp. (Oh, you mean the one where he said you have to carry your own weight and not sit around playing XBOX all day? That speech?)

Tyrone: Maybe there’s a generation gap. (Uh oh, Ty, shouldn’t have gone there.)

Jeff to NaOnka: “What has been the darkest storm for you?” (Where the hell did he come up with that line?)

Nay: Fesses that her divorce a few years ago was the worst, ever. But this current mess has been pretty bad. I wanted to quit. I was at a breaking point yesterday. But these people have been SO supportive and I’m all better now.

Really?

Jeff to Benry: Shouldn’t you send her home for that?

Benry: Uh, I don’t know what you mean. (Loser.)

Jeff to Yve: Shouldn’t you send her home for that?

Yve: Uhh…

Jeff: Seriously. Spit it out.

Yve: Yes, it makes me wonder about her longevity.

Jeff smirks, having accomplished his agenda. Just not sure what that agenda might be.

Time to Vote.

Tyrone and Yve vote for NaOnka.

Everyone else votes for Tyrone. Meaning Holly (no surprise) and Danny (big surprise) flipped. Tyrone is gone.

Jeff to the remaining tribe: “Your first blind side. Congrats.”

Roll end credits.

“Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 4

We start off with the older Espada tribe marching back to their camp after having evicted Jimmy Johnson. Appropriately, it’s pouring down rain because these people done messed up. (Of course, Jimmy T refuses to believe they’ve done anything wrong: “JJ’s leadership was nothing.”) Then Jimmy T, because he really doesn’t live with the rest of us on this planet, starts singing an annoyingly stupid song, really loud, while the rest of the tribe just glares at him in total hatred.

Marty in a sidebar: “He just has to hear his own voice, 24-7.” (Kettle black, Marty?) “Give him a little rope and he’ll hang himself.”

Roll opening credits.

Still at the Espada camp, next morning, where Jane and Holly, looking extremely haggard and unfeminine, are wandering around and realizing that the tide is strangely high. It seems there’s been a bit of a weather disturbance. We see shots of the limited beach all cluttered with debris. (Jill in a sidebar, fussing about the lack of food and the fact that they can’t fish. Hmm. I always thought the best fishing was right after a rain. Maybe I missed a memo.)

Jimmy T, because he so desperately wants to be the leader of the tribe, tries convincing the rest of the tribe that they should fish like birds. “See that bird over there. How it floats on the water and waits for a fish to come to the surface? We should do that!” Trouble is, Man With Really Ugly Hair, you people are NOT birds. So you can’t fish like them. Understand?

He doesn’t. Jimmy T grabs a net and tries throwing it into the water, like the imbecilic fish are going to leap into the net and wait to be eaten. This doesn’t happen. In fact, Jimmy T can’t even get the net to fan out when he throws it. He fails miserably. The rest of the tribe wanders away to see if there are some rocks they can chew on.

Cut to the La Flor tribe, where Brenda is busily working on the Hidden Immunity Idol clue that NaOnka shared with her. Suddenly, Brenda makes the right connection and figures out where the Idol must be. She runs to snatch up NaOnka (Why would you do that, Brenda? Find the damn Idol yourself and then lie. That’s how you play this game.) and drags Nay to the spot where Brenda thinks the Idol is buried. Of course they find it, doing a happy dance. And of course NaOnka thinks she did all the work. “It’s mine! I figured it out!”

You sure as hell didn’t. Hate you.

Alina and Kelly B are chatting, and seeming to be getting along quite swimmingly. (Alina in a sidebar: “The way NaOnkoa treats Kelly B makes me furious.” That’s two of us, sister.) The two of them race off to find the Idol. (Remember, there are about 46 Idol clues floating around this place.)

Well, NaOnka, because she’s a total bitch, (just making sure we’re all on the same page about that), can’t stand the fact that other people are looking for the Idol. (Even though Nay has the freaking Idol because Brenda is wimpy. There’s NOT another Idol to find.) So NaOnka stomps up to Alina and Kelly B, and then launches into a hate-fest against Kelly B. Nay is horrible. There is something truly wrong with that woman.

Back over to the Espada camp, at night. Everybody’s huddled in the tent, generally fussing, but trying to be upbeat. Out of the blue, Marty nominates Tyrone to be the new tribe leader. (What the hell? MARTY wants to be tribe leader.) Then the mystification continues, with Jimmy T saying: “I don’t wanna be leader, so I accept that.”

Am I watching the right show? Both Marty and Jimmy T would give their left nut to be tribe leader.

Jimmy T in a sidebar, confirming his delusions: “Marty’s not a JT fan.” (Is anybody?) Then he calls Marty a “preppy little bitch”. Well, can’t entirely disagree with that, but because I’m not fond of either one of them, I can’t give anybody props. But most importantly? Please quit showing me Jimmy T with the night-vision cameras, because he really looks like a serial killer and we already have enough of those to worry about.

Next morning, the Espada tribe gets tree-mail. The wording is typically cryptic, but there’s also some blindfolds in the mailbox. Got it. People are going to be blindfolded, and somebody has to lead them. (Wait, did I just sum up every single season of “Survivor”? Hmm.) The tribe decides to practice, which is actually a good idea, because I can guarantee you the pre-school tribe will not come to this same decision, instead opting to lay on the beach and wait for Annie Leibovitz to come take their picture.

So Tyrone makes himself the caller, which he should as the newly appointed leader, and tries giving directions to his blind-folded mates. Trouble is, Jimmy T can’t keep his mouth shut, ripping off his blindfold and trying to tell Tyrone what to do. Jimmy T is a piece of work. And I don’t mean that in a good way.

Marty in a sidebar: “I nominated Tyrone on purpose to rile up JT. JT is delusional and paranoid.” Interesting, and slightly fun. But hey, Marty, did it ever occur to you that you guys actually need to win some competitions? You know about competitions, right? The things you need to win in order to avoid going to Tribal Council? Yes, those things. Quit playing little prima donna games about who has the bigger coconuts.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

The tribes march into the playing area, with the La Flor tribe totally stunned that Jimmy Johnson is gone. (Yeah, me too.) Jeff explains that a caller will direct pairs of blind-folded people to collect 10 items, and then direct a final pair to find a set of keys, open a chest, and drag it back to home base. Oh, and there’s a reward as well, with the winners getting to pick 3 groups of items provided and sponsored by Sears.

The camera lingers on the Sears logo, in case we didn’t catch Jeff’s words. We don’t really get a good shot of the actual item groups, because that would take time away from promoting Sears. Did you know that Sears was sponsoring this competition? Hey look, there’s a piece of driftwood with the Sears logo burned into it. Sears is sponsoring this competition. Sears. With an “S”.

Is the La Flor tribe going to use the nifty Medallion of Power to gain an advantage in today’s events? Hell, yeah.

And off we go.

Within seconds, it’s very clear that the practicing by the Espada tribe is making absolutely no difference. The older folk are slamming into trees, tripping over pockets of air, and generally not listening to Tyrone calling out directions. (Especially Jimmy T, who actually appears to be purposely doing the exact opposite of what Tyrone yells out.) And the way they keep holding their hands up, like that’s going to help? They look like they’re volunteering to be thrown into a volcano, but I doubt that any of them are virgins. Except maybe Holly.

On the flip side, the younger La Flor tribe members seem to be magically floating directly toward the needed items, and then transporting the goods back to home base within seconds. It’s not even a contest. La Flor wins Immunity. They happily pick up their winnings and prance back to camp, because none of them are really taking any of this seriously. They’re just waiting for the old people to fail, and then they can get serious.

Cut to the Espada camp, where the older folks are a little blue. Danny is trying to be supportive and raise their spirits, which he should, because he’s basically useless. (And stupid, since he paid $1,600 dollars for some ugly shoes and then BROUGHT THEM to the island so Holly could sink them in the ocean during one of her many breaks from reality.)

Jimmy T is not so supportive. “I’m gonna keep fighting for attention so you’ll finally use me for what I can do.” Tyrone: Okay, what would you have done differently in the competition today. Jimmy T: Uhhh…

Tyrone in a sidebar: “I’m sick of JT’s negativity.” Then he checks his pocket to make sure that he doesn’t have two Idols, because he doesn’t want to go home like James did in his shame moment.

Zip to the La Flor tribe, where everybody is celebrating their win and inspecting the trove of won treasures. Chase spies a clue in the fishing tackle box and pinches it. He runs to tell Brenda, and hopes she can help him find the Hidden Immunity Idol.

Brenda in a sidebar: “I feel so bad” that Chase wants me to help him use his limited mental resources to find an Idol that can’t be found because NaOnka the Heartless has already scooped it up, killing a homeless person in the process and spitting on a gospel choir.

Brenda, after hemming and hawing for a bit, finally fesses to Chase that NayBitch already has the Idol. “But you can’t tell NaOnka that you know. SHE has the Idol, and that could affect us.” Chase stares off into the distance at some palm trees, because Brenda just said too many words for him to compute.

Espada camp again, where people are clamoring around in the ocean tide and looking for sea urchins. (Jill in a sidebar: Yep, we’ve been reduced to looking for salty packets of snot to get a little protein.) Jimmy T goes off on Marty for eating some of the urchins and not placing them in the “community basket”, which is really just a bit of net that Jimmy T is lugging around as he hollers at everybody else to do the work.

Marty in a sidebar: He’s fed up with Jimmy T, “calling me out” like that. “That’s the equivalent of putting a gun to your head and blowing your brains out.” What the hell? It was unnecessary, but it’s not equal to THAT. What kind of TV shows do you watch when you’re not on this island? Geez.

Cut to Jane and Holly doing something pointless on the beach. Jane: “I’m gonna write Danny’s name down. I think Coach was sending a message when he wrote down Danny.” Hold up, Jane. You voted to send Coach Jimmy J’s ass home. Now you’re going to get all mystical about signs that he might be sending you?

Marty and Jill on another stretch of beach, with her flame-red hair helping nearby ships find port. Marty: “Keep Danny, he’s the swing vote. Vote JT out.” Then Marty runs off to have his chest waxed by bored monkeys.

Jill and Tyrone, somewhere that Marty isn’t. Jill: “Vote JT.” Tyrone: “But Danny can’t do things.” Jill: I really don’t care. Marty has the Idol, the one that I really found, and now I’m his bitch. Just do it.

Jill runs back to Marty, who is freshly waxed but still not understanding that his hair looks like something that you would call the Pest Control hotline about. Jill: “Tyrone wants Dan.” Marty: I let a monkey touch my love nipples and people are STILL not doing my bidding?

Marty runs to Tyrone: “Which way are you leaning?” (Is the wind really strong out here?) Tyrone: “Dan can’t run in the mud.” (Which pretty much sums it up, don’t you think?) Marty: “I’d rather it be JT.” Marty pushes really hard. Then a pterodactyl flies overhead and lays an egg in Marty’s hair.

Jimmy T, Yve and clueless Holly are standing around somewhere, waiting for their 401K’s to mature. Jimmy T: “I just want a chance in a challenge.” Yve: Okay, what would you have done differently in the competition today. Jimmy T: Uhhh…

Jimmy T just does not get it.

Yve in a sidebar: Kill me now. Can’t stand him.

Jimmy T in a sidebar: “I keep opening my mouth,” and maybe that’s not a good thing.

Ya think?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Tyrone: “What happened with the competition today?”

Tyrone (and Marty, because he can’t keep his mouth shut): “It woulda worked if it hadn’t been for the Medallion.”

Jeff is not buying that: You were way the hell behind.

Then Jeff goes after Danny: “You sat out again.” Danny: “I was helping the tribe by sitting out.” Jeff: Point proven.

Jill: “I’m tired of losing.”

Jeff smirks, then turns to Jimmy T: “Is is frustrating to not have leadership?” Jeff is totally poking at things to start a fight. Jimmy T: “Nobody will let me prove myself.” Jeff to Marty: What’s up with that. Willing to give Jimmy T a chance? Marty: “We don’t wanna give him a chance. We have zero tolerance for paranoia.”

Gotta repeat it. Kettle black, Marty?

Then Holly, because SHE’S so grounded, defends Jimmy T. “All he’s asking for is a chance.” (Jane seems to agree, nodding her head.) Tyrone: “He would have more value as a follower.” (And you know Jimmy T popped a blood vessel or two on hearing that.)

Jeff to Jimmy T: Can you handle that, being a follower?

Jimmy T refuses to answer, getting all teary-eyed and “needing a moment”. Oh, please. That is one massive ego right there. Tyrone to Jimmy T: Man up. Be a follower. Jimmy T refuses to accept this fate.

Time to vote.

Jimmy T, Holly and Jane vote for Dan.

Everybody else votes for Jimmy T.

(Jane cusses and is quickly bleeped.)

Jimmy T marches out of the camp without saying a word. Interesting. The only way to make this man shut up is to send him home. Duly noted.

Roll end credits.