“True Blood” - Season 4, Episode 4

We start out right after Eric has made a snack out of Sookie’s fairy godmother. He smacks his lips, then falls flat on his face. Sookie is alarmed at first, then Eric raises his head, eyes all woozy, mouth all grinning. Apparently home boy is drunk on fairy liqueur. Sookie is not impressed. “You drank the whole fairy! You’re going to your room.!”

No, Eric declares, he is not. He’s schnockered and wants to get rowdy, as any decent person should want after knocking back some Tinkerbell tequila. First he tries to sample some Sookie, but instantly stops when she hollers at him. Then he decides that he wants to run free and wild like the gazelles before they get shot on The Nature Channel. Sookie ixnays that. “It’ll be dawn soon!” Eric doesn’t care, doing the vampire dash and zipping off into the forest.

Leaving another mess for Sookie to agonize over while not wearing a bra. Poor thing. Guess she won’t be taking one of her beloved showers any time soon.

Roll opening credits. Abusive police, snakes, and tiny children receiving Klan training.

Scene with Bill and Pam. Bill: I’m looking for Eric. Pam: No clue. Bill: It would be treason if you knew and didn’t tell, since I’m the sheriff and all. Pam: I wouldn’t take the chance. But since we’re chatting, I think you purposely sent Eric to that coven just so his mind would get jacked. Bill: None of your business, since I’m the sheriff and all. Pam: “You like the feel of that crown, don’t you?”

Jason wakes up on that nasty cot, and discovers one of the older Panther Women astraddle his manly bits, workin’ hard for the money. Jason is not pleased. “Get off of me!” Woman is devastated by the unexpected dismount, shedding tears, then hollers out “Next!”, indicating we apparently have a line of unwashed hillbillies queued up at the door.

Said door flies open, and Ugly Old Luther leans in to yell “Breed, Ghost Daddy, breed!” (a vision I never want to see again, ever) before sending in the next ticket holder, Little Becky, who looks to be maybe 12-years old. (Um, better not be going there, producer people.) Becky is defiant at first, whipping out a knife and promising “I’ll cut off your thing if you put up a fight!”. But Jason realizes this is her first time at the rodeo, and she’s only doing what she’s been told to do.

He’s very sweet. “This ain’t the way it should be.” Then he comforts her with visions of nice boys who buy presents before things get tawdry and messy. Then he gets real. “Cut me loose. I’m scared I’ll die here.” Becky: “So am I.” Then she uses the knife to slash the ropes that surely smell like week-old Jason by now.

Jason rushes out the door, wallops Nasty Luther (yay!), and heads for the hills.

Cut to Nan (she of the murky position with the Vampire League of America), still wearing that severe hairstyle and chewing out Bill for sending Eric to the coven. He whines that they are potentially powerful witches who can control the dead. Nan is not impressed. “They don’t make necromancers the way they used to!” She orders him to clean this mess up because she can’t go to The Authority. (Just who are they again?) She and her hair utter one final warning. “No dead humans!”

On this show? Has she been watching the episodes?

Next we have Marnie, tossing in her sleep and dreaming about a witch-burning back in the day. She’s in the scene, listening to two religiously-dressed men getting far to excited about the proper sequence of burning the body parts of a witch. Dream Marnie tries to stop the barbeque, hollering and such, but the program has already been printed and there ain’t no stoppin’ it now. Probably some type of union issue. Flames crackle.

We see that the witch on the menu is the same ghostly person who was wearing nite-nite clothes and sitting in a nearby chair while Marnie tried to slice-and-dice her wrist with a little too much exuberance in the last episode. Marnie, bad hairstyle blowing in the wind, communicates with the Rotisserie Woman in some guttural foreign language, exchanging words that are probably not recipes.

Alcide arrives at Sookie’s house, apparently responding to her phone call that she needed help finding Eric. This means that Alcide needs to do that nifty thing where he turns into a wolf, but it also means that he has to do the irritating thing they do on this show where people start to drop their pants in the midst of shifting but before we get to see the crotch goods. In this particular instance, Alcide torments the viewing audience by fiddling with his unzipped jeans for a very long time before he finally races off, wolf-form, the scent of Eric in his nostrils courtesy of Eric’s blanket that Sookie shoved in his face while Alcide played with his zipper.

Maxine shows up at Merlotte’s and stomps toward Sam, all in a huff and demanding to know what he has done with “her boy”. Sam plays ignorant at first, babbling about Hoyt (Maxine’s real son) when she’s really talking about Tommy (Maxine’s surrogate son after Hoyt discovered a certain thing called free will). Sam finally tells Maxine that Tommy’s a big boy and he’ll be fine. Maxine: You better not be messin’ with me, because “I’m a lioness!”

That’s not the word I would use, Maxine.

Cut to the Panther People camp grounds, where Felton walks inbredly up to Little Becky, all hot for her now that she’s done grated the cheese with Jason. When she tries to avoid his advances, he gets a good look at her and somehow is able to discern that she ain’t bumped nothin’. He starts a shoutin’ and he and Crystal rush into Jason’s former suite and find Nasty Luther tied up in Jason’s place. Time for Plan B. Dirty folk start turning into Panthers left and right.

Next we have Marnie, with Jesus, Lafayette and Tara trying to convince her that she needs to reverse the spell she put on Eric. Marnie: It wasn’t me, it was her, I just don’t know who she is. Laff: Get her on the Goddess Line. Otherwise, we all gonna be very unhappy and dead. Marnie tries contacting her little spiritual friend, but nothing happens. Tara remains unsatisfied with her decision to leave New Orleans and come back to this dump.

Now we have Alcide (wolf form) and Sookie (perky-ponytail form) wandering through the woods, with Sookie babbling away about nothing. Just to shut her up, Alcide manages to find Eric, who is currently swimming naked in a convenient pond. And Eric is doing so in full daylight. Oh? Alcide transitions back, which causes Eric to instinctively go on alert (werewolf!), and they begin to bicker and snarl, both of them naked and dripping wet, with Sookie enjoying the view.

Sadly, the sun finally starts to burn Eric, so Sookie and Alcide have to cover him up in the blanket that Sookie has been dragging along, and the three of them head back to Sookie’s house, because nothing bad ever happens there.

Cue Jason running through the woods, with panther cries filling the air. He takes off his shirt and throws it far in one direction, grabs a stick, rubs dirt all over himself to disguise the smell, and then heads in the opposite direction of the shirt-throwing. Which means that Jason has somehow grown smarter in the last few days. Interesting. Making a note in my journal that perhaps stupid people should be tied to cots more often.

Tommy comes wandering up to some crappy trailer in the middle of nowhere, hollering for his momma, Melinda (who is also Sam’s mom). She comes running up lugging pails of water, because indoor-plumbing is apparently not one of the offerings at this fine establishment. It seems that Melinda tracked Tommy down and called him, so’s he’d stop by and sit a spell.

And she’s got great news! She done ditched Joe Lee, her trashy beau that walked around in underwear at inappropriate times and made Melinda participate in dogfights. Hurray! Tommy has terrific news himself. He can read! Oh, and Sam shot me in the leg. He never cared about me.

Speaking of, Sam arrives at Luna’s house. He’s being spontaneous and all with the dropping by, just like she’s been encouraging him to do. Except she’s acting all jittery, looking about and such and proclaiming that “now’s not a good time”. Cue a little urchin to run to the door. “Mommy!” Can your friend come in and play Barbies with us? Please? Because I’m a demonstrative child and demand satisfaction. Luna reluctantly invites Sam in, glancing up and down the street as she does so.

Something is a bit wrong about this development. We’ll see.

Another scene with Jason running and panthers crying. We learn nothing new.

Eric and Sookie are in his cubby at Sookie’s house. She’s telling him he needs to get to bed, if he stays awake he’ll bleed all over the place and she’s not in the mood to clean the mess up. (What is that all about, the bleeding if a vamp stays awake? Did I miss a memo?) Eric wants her to stay with him. Sookie declines. The lighting down here just doesn’t accent my golden locks in the manner I see fit.

She climbs back upstairs, where Alcide has been listening to the entire conversation, because when you have a secret life as a wolf, you need to be aware of what people are talking about. He tells Sookie that it’s nuts that Eric is here, totally dangerous. Sookie counters with the fact that Eric is hooked up again with Nasty Debbie, the skank who has poor people skills and tried to kill Sookie. Game even.

Eric hears all of this in his cubby, his ears cocked in the boyishly-charming manner he has had since Marnie and the Minions did the redecorating with his mind. (To be honest, a bit of me really misses the former Eric. Something about that Nordic dominance thing, sayin’.)

Above ground, Sookie and Alcide hug it out, bordering on the line of sudden French-kissing but not quite getting there. Sookie: “Friends?” Alcide: “Keep in touch.” (He SO wants her.)

Cut to Jason in a tree, carving that stick into a stake. One of the Panther People pads up, and Jason leaps on it, jamming the stake in an I-mean-business way. The panther transitions to a dying Felton (the crowd roars), then another panther moseys up and becomes a breast-swinging Crystal. She kicks the corpse of Felton and utters “I’m the Big Momma Kitty now!” We can be together!

Oh my.

But Jason is having none of their former relationship. “We ain’t nothin’ but a disaster!” I hope to never see you again. Crystal is not perturbed, convinced he will be wantin’ some panther lovin’ soon. “I’ll be waitin!” Next full moon!

Next up is Bill and Portia, with Bill about to meet Portia’s grandmamma, Caroline. (What’s up with that? I thought their relationship was purely physical. People just lie in this town all the time.) But then I’m no longer troubled when we see that Grandmama Caroline is being played by Katherine Helmond. All is forgiven, love her.

As Caroline takes a seat, Sheriff Andy comes tromping down the stairs and tries to head out for the night. (He lives with his grandmother? Explains a lot.) Grandmama Bellefleur is not putting up with that, ordering Andy to sit and visit. Then she proceeds to berate him, in a manner that indicates the berating is a family tradition when it comes to Andy. Surprisingly, Bill defends Andy, with Andy being an officer of the law and all. What’s his angle?

Back over to Luna’s house, where Little Emma is being rambunctious but finally forced to go brush her teeth. Luna and Sam chat about raising “shifter kids”, and we learn that Emma’s daddy was a werewolf. Luna has to be careful because Baby Daddy watches her all the time, he’s extremely jealous. Sam assures her that he ain’t skerred. But we all know that within two episodes something unsatisfactory is going to develop and people will have to run from things very fast.

Cut to the Moon Goddess Emporium, which now looks amazingly like The Magic Shop in the “Buffy” series, with Marnie flipping through ancient texts, finding nothing helpful, and Laff, Tara and Jesus standing around and being unimpressed. Jesus convinces Marnie that she just needs to try harder with the mind-meld thing. Marnie scrunches her face and utters incantations. Lo and behold, a book falls off a shelf, splaying open right at a spell to erase the erasing of memory. See? Listen to Jesus.

Alcide arrives home, and he is greeted by Debbie, and they sit on the couch and make nice. Things get a bit awkward when she sniffs his shirt and is able to tell that he “shifted” today (you can ascertain this by sniffing?), and he has to spill that he helped Sookie find a vampire. But Debbie is fine with that. “I’m not mad. You’re a good man. I ain’t worried about no Sookie.”

Something tells me she actually is. In an I’ll-kill-me-a-bitch sort of way.

Back over to Grandmama Caroline Bellefleur’s house, where she is babbling to Bill about the genealogy of her family. Apparently this is something she does far too often, because Andy gets fed up and leaves, which is fine, don’t care. Then Caroline has a senior moment and forgets a branch in the family tree, so she says to Portia “Get the family bible. And a little whiskey.”

Love her.

Bill offers to read the faded penmanship in the bible, which Caroline happily agrees to since she can’t see it anyway and there’s an alcoholic beverage to be consumed. Bill proceeds with the family linkage, and is startled to discover that one of those links is a certain “Elizabeth Harris”. Both Caroline and Bill react to this news as if they’ve just received unexpected enemas. Caroline: “You cannot do this.” Bill: “Forgive me. I didn’t know.” Then Caroline races upstairs to bed, her whiskey shockingly unfinished.

Bill tries to scurry forth out of the house (“I must go. We cannot see each other.”), but Portia is not so complacent about the matter. “I will not let this go.” Bill pauses dramatically, then pronounces “You are my great-great-great-granddaughter!”

So? This is Bon Temps. Ain’t nobody up in this grill that ain’t done nothin’ a wee bit twisted. Just settle down.

Zip over to Terry holding that little Damien Baby that Arlene shot out, despite attempts to stop such by drinking nasty concoctions in a chalk circle. Terry is talking about what a lovely family the baby has, pointing out the family members snoozing on the living room couch. Then Terry stupidly sets the baby down in his play area, all alone, and goes off to figure out why the dryer is buzzing. (Um, maybe the clothes are dry?)

When Terry returns, he discovers that apparently the demon child has snatched up a crayon and scribbled “Baby Not Yours!” on the wall. Well, then. That’s a bit unsettling. Of course, Arlene chooses this exact moment to terminate her slumber session on the couch, review the proffered graffiti, and begin screaming.

Sookie and Eric, once again in his cubby. Sookie: “You’re too quiet,” (What’s wrong with quiet? Quiet is good.) Eric: “I’m just being me.” Discussion ensues wherein Sookie points out that Eric is not acting like, well, the other Eric. Eric: “You want the Eric that doesn’t feel. Kiss me.” Sookie actually looks like she’s about to do so, when Eric mucks it up with a sudden vampiric realization. “There’s someone at your door.” Sookie, because by now she knows to always have a plan if the doorbell should ring, tells Eric to stay put.

It’s Bill.

Sookie: Whaddya want? Bill: Eric. Sookie: He gone. I thought you’d come through for me and took care of it. Bill: The one place he owns we didn’t search was here. Sookie: Well, my house is all clean and all, don’t need dirty people touching things. Bill: Sookie, I gotta do this. Sookie: When have I ever lied to you?

Um, right about now, that’s when.

Bill shoves the door open, with Sookie and her form-fitting top being shoved to the side, then Bill pauses. “You’re right.” You’ve never lied to me. Then he leaves.

Fool.

Jason, still running from the panthers even though you’d think Crystal Meth would have pulled back on the hunting down of her one true medicated love, stumbles along the side of a road, wretches up something in a graphic fashion, and then collapses on the ground with his head sticking out into the pavement of the roadway. (Dude, really?) A beat-up truck comes tooling along, because they always do in Louisiana, and it just happens to be Jessica and Hoyt, driving home from their latest misunderstanding of one another.

They screech to a halt, hop out of the pickup, realize they know the person lying in the road (which shouldn’t be surprising, since it’s Bon Temps, with its population of 25) and proceed to aid Jason in his dilemma. Which means that Jessica rips open a wrist and proffers her dripping arm to Ghost Daddy.

Tommy and mom Melinda again, with Tommy boasting about how he can read actual words now. Melinda is overjoyed. “I’m fixin’ to bust I’m so proud.” (Really? Did you even try to put that child in school? Hello?) Tommy then moves on to how wretched of a human being Joe Lee was, forcing his wife to be in dogfights and such, even when she was way too old for canine shenanigans. Hell, in dog years, she must be older than Noah.

Lo and behold, but not really surprisingly, here comes Joe Lee hisself, stomping up and throwing a wicked chain around Tommy. You mine now, bitch. (Melinda: “Honey, we missed you!” This is so Jerry Springer material.) Joe Lee: You will learn obedience. This is your last free breath. Then Joe Lee and his unchanged underwear drag Tommy off somewhere.

Sort of thinking that Tommy getting shot by Sam was the least of his problems.

Final scene with Marnie, Laff, Jesus, Tara and Pam standing around in a field at night. (They couldn’t meet at Starbucks?) Pam is being super bitchy, despite Tara holding a gun on her, which is not surprising. Laff tries to get Pam to understand that she needs to hold off on the attitude. Pam refuses to understand anything, other than she wants these people to fix the issue with Eric pronto.

Marnie starts in with some more of the creepy mumbling and summoning of the spirits. Pam gives this about two seconds and then goes postal. “This is BS!” And then she spits out that Marnie is retarded. (Oh, girl, you shouldn’t do that, I don’t care what TV show you star in.) But the remark apparently jump starts Marnie, who vogues into that foreign-speaking whatever that knows all the nifty spells. Marnie directs her flow of unintelligible invective at Pam.

Pam’s face begins to rot. Stupidly, Pam starts fingering at the abscesses on her face, and is soon pulling away layers of skin, an action that probably excites people who revel in such things, but does nothing for me except force me to rethink eating at a Chinese buffet.

Marnie to Pam: “Corrupt, unsanctified corpse that walks!”

(I am SO stealing that for my next conference call at work.)

Pam, half her face gone, realizes that it’s time for another course of action. She vampire-zips off into the woods.

Marnie (or whoever she is channeling) breaks into peals of laughter. Then she collapses to the ground, show over. Jesus rushes to tend to her, while Laff and Tara stand there despondently, reflecting back on simpler, by-gone days, when all they had to worry about was Tara’s mom’s raging alcoholism and whether or not Laff could find enough accessories for his latest outfit.


Roll end credits.

“True Blood” - Season 4, Episode 3

We start out right where we left off, with Sookie sitting in that crappy lemon-hued car of hers and staring out the (stupidly) open window at Eric. He’s still jacked up from the witchy Marnie Mumbling that led to his current amnesia and lack of a shirt. Sookie is oddly intrigued by what Eric thinks she smells like. When he responds with “wheat… and honey… and sunlight”, she responds to his Yankee Candle combo by rolling up the window, hitting the gas and racing away. Good move.

Amazingly, she stops the car about 200 feet down the road, where she and her golden locks glance around to make sure she’s now safe. Only 200 feet, people. Has Sookie suddenly forgotten all that she knows about fleet-footed vampires? Girl, please.

No surprise, Eric zaps out of nowhere and smashes through the glass. Can’t really feel sorry for Sookie on this one, with the dumb-assedry and all.

Roll opening credits. Thong panties, bad teeth, pool-table humping.

Back to Sookie, who manages to hop out of the car and go dashing into the creepy woods that are everywhere around here. Of course, Eric easily runs faster than her, and jumps into her flight pattern. So Sookie hauls off and punches him. Eric: “You broke my nose!” Sookie: Shut up, you’ll heal in five minutes. (Oh, so she remembers this bit of trivia, but can’t remember that you should drive like hell and don’t look back when fangy people think you smell like sunshine?)

Anyway, things are calmer now, what with the nose-breaking, and they chat. Well, they try to, for the most part. Eric keeps breaking into a strange language, perhaps the language of his forefathers or just some crap he made up while sitting on the toilet during a shooting break. Bottom line, he vaguely recalls some mess about a circle of people, and empty eyes, and double images, and anything of value being sucked out of him. Can you help me, pretty girl who smells of UV rays?

Sookie reluctantly agrees, with a few rules. Like, don’t bite me and stuff, okay?

Cut to the Moon Goddess Emporium, where Jesus is tending to a still haggard-looking but increasingly important Marnie. Other people are fussing over the devastation that Eric wrought in their little house of séances and bird-raising. (Tara to Lafayette, not impressed with the turn of events: “Thanks for bringing me here tonight.”) It seems that most everybody is really mad at Eric for crashing the party, and not the fact that they were doing things that might, I don’t know, piss off a vampire and lead to their violent death.

Laff tells them to quit hollering about calling the police, they ain’t gonna do nothin’. Tara tells them to quit hollering about Eric, he doesn’t care about polite little society rules. Marnie tells them that it was really rude of Eric to stop them from “practicing their religion”. (One that involves reanimation? Are you thinking this through?) Then Marnie fesses that she has no idea what she really did to Eric or how.

Great.

Cut to Jason, all chewed-up and tied to that cot, but still managing to look hot. He can hear that one old guy outside, can’t remember his name, as he’s telling folk stories to the little urchins of the camp while they chomp on raw meat and don’t bother to wipe their faces. Some mess about a “Ghost Daddy” and a “Ghost Mama” being eaten by a panther back in the day, and then being puked back up to create the lovely Panther People they are today.

Really? That sounds fun.

Then we see Old Guy asking Felton if Jason is “ready yet”, like somebody’s waiting for the little red thing to pop up on a baking turkey. Then Crystal runs into Jason’s low-rent hotel room, babbling about “I swear I ain’t gonna let em kill you!” and “once you turn, we gonna be together forever!” Then she turns and gazes upon yet another dirt-smeared little girl. “Ain’t he pretty?”

And these people vote?

Quick scene with some yahoos running around with a night-vision camera, and they manage to capture a vampire sucking neck on a woman who only pretends to be horrified by the sucking after she has a camera shoved in her face. Her orgiastic cries turn into outrage and finger-pointing with the flick of a spotlight. (Can you say “Republican”?)

Cut to Bill sitting in his office with the vamp who was caught on tape in the yokel video. Apparently Bill’s new authority involves handing out sentences to vamps who are stupid and careless about modern video technology. He sentences the miscreant to “the true death”, then turns him over to some conveniently nearby henchman with vamp-restraining devices.

Jessica wanders in, and queries Bill about his staff having some Advil that she can take home to Hoyt. Wisely, Bill senses something amiss, and asks Jessica for the real reason she’s bothered to visit after months of separate lives and character arcs. Jess fesses about feeding on someone not named Hoyt. “I am not stupid, just unfaithful.”

Quick scene with Sookie and Eric arriving at her pad, and when Eric waits outside the door for Sookie to invite him in, his memory wiped clean of actually owning the house, Sookie smiles. Amnesia can be fun! But she offers the invite anyway, yet another sign that Sookie is missing a functional cylinder or two in this episode.

Zip over to Fangtasia, where Pam is feeding on some unknown extra and being bitchy, because this is her specialty. Phone rings, and it’s Sookie. Thought you should know that Eric seems to have lost his memory and his sexy tendency toward dominance. Pam immediately drops the phone and zip-flashes out of the building, leaving her supper to fend for his own bar tab.

Back to Sookie and Eric, where she is apparently bathing his feet in a small tub while he sits on her couch. (She might as well use her hair to do the job and change her name to Mary Magdalene.) Pam zips in, and tries to be her typical demanding, severe-hairstyle self. (Wait. When did Pam get invited into Sookie’s house. Should we care or let it drop?) Pam: “You have to hide him!”

Sookie’s not so sure about that. Heated discussion ensues, with Pam stressing that “this is his house” and Sookie being SO not on board with that. When Pam tries to physically threaten Sookie, Eric knocks Pam’s ass across the floor, which is quite satisfying. Pam perseveres, Eric must stay HERE and no one can know. Sookie agrees. “But you gotta pay me.”

Cut to Hoyt at home, and Jessica walking in the door. Since she’s several hours late from a supposed run to the corner pharmacy, accusations fly. But above all the tardiness and bickering, Hoyt is really disturbed about the creepy old doll that keeps reappearing in their house despite both of them trying to get rid of it. Jessica ignores this: “I was with another guy.” More bickering, finally leading to Jessica glamming Hoyt so that he doesn’t remember her confession or their troubles. Sort of sweet, saving him from the pain, but not really a good idea.

And that doll. What up?

Sookie and Eric again, with her helping him down into the Ikea cubby. Eric: “Are you mine?” Sookie: Hells no. Eric: “Would you like to be?” Sookie: Hells no. Eric: “What are you?” Sookie: Hells no. I mean, don’t worry about it, I need to go back upstairs and take a shower because I haven’t done that in this episode yet.

Scene with Lafayette and Tara and Jesus on the deck at Laff’s house, with the action kicking off with the image of Jesus peeing in the nearby bushes. (My life is filled with writing phrases that I could never have imagined as a young Oklahoma child.) What to do with the whole Eric and Marnie mess? Laff wants to go to Fangtasia and beg Eric for forgiveness. (Don’t forget that Eric held Laff hostage in that nasty cellar for a bit, and he hasn’t slept well since.)

Laff tries to get Tara to get out of this mess and head back to her lesbian training in New Orleans, but she don’t want none of that. Fine. He goes to bed, so Tara turns to Jesus with some inspirational advice. (Yet another phrase I never thought…) “Don’t let him go to Fangtasia!” Then she downs a shot of tequila, because when is that not appropriate?

Quick scene with Jason in his cot, unable to get to his ringing cell phone because the rope restraints and his pecs are in the way. Cut to Sheriff Andy making that call, sitting in his car outside of Merlotte’s, all pissed off because Jason isn’t answering and he’s hankering for a V fix. Andy attempts to pray, but only gets two words out before he sucks down some V, shoving his blood-dripping finger in his mouth with the tenacity of a she-beast on crack.

Sam bangs on Andy’s car window. Can I help you with something, you finger-sucking weirdo? Andy hops out and begins to cite made-up infractions against Sam’s restaurant. This escalates to the point where punches are thrown and Andy pulls a gun on Sam, then Andy freaks out and drives away. Makes you feel really safe about calling 9-1-1, doesn’t it?

Out of the blue, Sookie shows up at Alcide’s house in Shreveport. (Yay! Fingers crossed that Alcide decides to remove his shirt for a very minor reason.) They chit-chat for a bit, then Sookie spills. She wants Alcide to take care of Eric for a bit. Initially, Alcide thinks this means killing Eric, and he seems rather excited about it, so the shirt-removal is definitely on the horizon. But Sookie just wants him to care for Eric. “He’s sick.”

Then that nasty Debbie woman walks into the room, bearing a tray of snacky things. (Boo!) She’s all apologetic, but Sookie isn’t buying it. “You tried to kill me!” Debbie spills that she’s found both a change of heart AND Jesus, and is trying to live a good life of non-killing. They eventually hug it out. Debbie: “Want a Vienna sausage?”

Sookie does not. Gotta run. Alcide follows her outside. We can work this out, Eric can stay in one of the new, unoccupied houses that I just happen to be building right down the street. Sookie: Eric can’t stay here. Not with a recovering V addict with poor hairstyle choices. Bye, now. She drives off while Alcide stands in the road and pines for her.

Cue Maxine and Tommy sitting in their kitchen, with Tommy learning to read while watching a home-shopping network featuring a Marie Osmond doll. (Totally not making that up, though it seems like I should be.) Maxine happens to mention that “Halloween is next week” (oh?) and then lets Tommy go see who is knocking on the door while she orders her some Marie.

Turns out there’s a man wanting to buy the natural gas leasing rights on Maxine’s property. Well, now. Tommy shuts the door behind him and barters personally with this stupid man who hasn’t read the script and doesn’t understand that Tommy sucks as a decent person. Tommy takes the man’s card and promises to “talk to Momma”. Then he goes back inside and asks Needy Momma if he can make her a cup of coffee. She is delighted by the offer.

Probably shouldn’t drink that coffee, Maxine. Just sayin.

Jason again, on the cot, while Crystal tends to his wounds by smearing what looks like cement all over his chest. Jason: “If you ever loved me…” Crystal: “I’m gonna be the woman to all your baby cubs!” (Now that’s a line.) Jason: “I’m sick!” I need a doctor. Crystal: Nuh uh. You’re going to be the new Ghost Daddy! Oh, and take this Mexican Viagra pill, ‘cause, you know, we might need that.

And what was up with all the crap in Crystal’s hair during that scene? Did she fall down a well?

Over to Merlotte’s, with Tara and Sookie. Tara wants Sookie to tell Eric to forgive them. Sookie is clueless. Tara spills about the tiny little matter of she and Laff and Jesus possibly having something to do with Eric getting an unexpected whammy, what with the chanting and the circle of Marnie devotees. Tara clues in a bit, and wonders why Sookie doesn’t seem to think Eric can be a threat. Sookie blows it off. There’s nothing to fear. But I’ll talk to him if I happen to see him.

People just lie in this town. Word.

Sam walks up, and gets to chattin’ with Tara. Wanna go out back and do some tequila shots. (When would anybody ever say no to this?) So they do. Sam: I’m a little miffed, I told you I was a shifter, and you split. Tara: I never hated you for anything. Sam: Wanna stay at my place? Tara: I’m seeing someone. Sam: Me too!

Jesus comes running up. Laff is missing, even though we just saw him and his jewelry cooking things up on the grill two seconds ago. Tara and Jesus run to the parking lot, discover Laff’s car is AWOL, so they jump in another car and peel out. Sam, presumably, continues drinking tequila.

Cut to a fancy restaurant, where Bill is sitting at a table, using his cell phone to leave a message with Eric, upset about him not taking his calls the last few days. (He’s been a little busy having his mind wiped.) Then that Portia Bellefleur woman trots up, taking what is apparently her seat at the table and offering a proposition to Bill. Things have been working out splendidly between them from a business perspective. Why not take it further and have sex as well, see how that goes?

Bill: I could never love you. That takes a young heart and I don’t have one. And it’s kind of dead. Portia: Fine by me. Bill: Check, please!

Next we have Jessica with Arlene and Terry, and Jess is giving that creepy doll to their probably demonic offspring. Girl, you know that doll is not right, why are you presenting it to an infant that is most likely not right as well? Jessica has been making poor decisions since she went into that bathroom stall at Fangtasia.

Sam’s office, with Tommy showing up. Tommy spills about the natural gas thing with Maxine. (Insert your own joke here, there are many available options.) She doesn’t know, let’s buy the house! Sam is not impressed. “I’m not gonna let you do that to Maxine.” (Why the hell not? Maxine sucks.) Sam: It’s a matter of right and wrong, and you’re just a replacement for Hoyt. Get over it. Tommy: I hate you!

Typical family dynamics in parts of the country where the humidity is unbearably high.

Quick scene at Bill’s house, with him and Portia bumping uglies and sweating a bit. His fangs pop, she tells him to go ahead, make your day if you want. He wills his fangs back in, and they continue to have nuptials, with only the standard piercing. Oh?

Another quick scene, with Sookie wandering around her house and looking for Eric. Everything is dimly lit, so of course this means that something bad is going to happen soon.

Cut to Fangtasia, in the not-fun basement, where Pam is being nasty to Laff, who apparently pulled a stupid and decided to spill some details to Pam. Cue Tara and Jesus to come stomping down the stairs, dragging along that one Fangtasia waitress (Tracy?) who likes to scream a lot and wear questionable clothing. Tara’s got a gun, loaded with wooden bullets, and she lets Pam know this as she points it at her. Pam is not pleased.

Jesus takes a more diplomatic approach: I think we can reverse the spell. You just have to give us time to find Marnie, make her wear something less dowdy, and we can magick Eric back into… whatever. Pam: You have 24 hours or I will kill you all. (Actually, her words were a bit more graphic, but we won’t dwell on that.)

Zip over to Marnie’s Emporium of Clueless People Messing with Crap They Don’t Understand, where Marnie is alone and is in some kind of trance, attempting communication with a spirit. She acknowledges her gratefulness at being chosen, in a very long speech filled with vagueness. She’s also screwing around with a pretty goblet, including cutting open one of her veins so that blood can drip into it, a sure sign that she’s serious about this. Then she ups the ante by doing a second cut, then a third.

With that final slice on her wrist, things get even more whacky. Feeling a bit woozy, Marnie rushes over to a sink and tends to her misguided wounds. Off in the distance, we suddenly realize that a woman is sitting in a chair, looking all psychotic and dressed in night-night clothes from days gone by. OMG!

Cut to Jason on his Un-Holiday Inn cot, just as he’s coming out of another fever dream and realizes that Crystal is astraddle him, trying to make that panther baby and all. Crystal: “Thank you, Ghost Daddy!”, with her lips encrusted from the blood of whatever rodent she’s eaten lately. Jason: “You’re a hillbilly junkie!” ( I have SO got to use that phrase in the next few days.) Then the camera pans to other Women of the Corn standing nearby, ready to assist in whatever. No men. Interesting. Is this matrilineal madness?

Back to Sookie’s house, where she’s reading a book. (Shout out to Charlaine Harris. Hey, gurl, hey!) Suddenly, a bright light does some kind of flashing thing, so Sookie and her short shorts go outside to see what’s up with that.

She finds that Travel Agent Woman who booked Sookie’s flight to Fairy Land. Seems that agent has some demands. “You belong to us!” Come now. We’ll keep you safe. Sookie: When did you ever keep me safe? Agent: Um, all those times we kept you from dying. She details such, with flashbacks to incidents where Sookie miraculously survived attacks by non-vampire meanies.

Sookie: Oh, right, that makes sense, seeing as how I couldn’t have killed all those attackers with just my minimum-wage experiences in life. But why didn’t you protect me from the vampires, too?

Agent: Uh, because vamps can rip my ass to shreds, that’s why. I know my skill set.

Right then, the Agent is whisked away by something blurry. Sookie trots along in the direction of the whisking, and finds Eric feeding on Agent Fairy Chick. Eric finishes up his supper and the Agent briefly turns into something ugly before disintegrating into yet another perplexing pile of dust.

Sookie to Eric: “You just killed my fairy godmother!”

Eric to Sookie: “Sorry.” Then he grins in a my-bad way. Saw it on the menu and I just had to have it.


Roll end credits.

“True Blood” - Season 4, Episode 2

Okay, folks, we got some horniness up in this grill…

We start out over in that land of Non-Showering Incest People, the former Drug Lab village where Jason got conked on the head because he stupidly bent over. He’s waking up from his little nap, tied to a bed, to find a dirty girl looking at him (“ain’t supposed to talk to you”) and a dirty man-boy tonguing Jason’s hair. Oh? Seems Jason has a nasty gash on his head and the filthy little nurse is tendin’ to the wound, home-style.

Jason makes him stop, but does so nicely, uttering an instantly-classic line: “It’s not that I don’t appreciate all the lickin’.” But Jason would rather have something else, like a band-aid or a hospital. Well, these chilluns ain’t got stuff like medical supplies or sense. Then Jason, squirming around seductively in his bondage and super-tight jeans, tries to convince the Cabbage Crack Kids to let him go. Just loosen one knot and I’ll take it from there.

The kids hem and haw a bit while Jason talks about how they really care for one another. (“You wouldn’t lick my head if you didn’t love me.”) The man-boy (name of Toobow or some such) finally gives in and reaches to do some handiwork with one of the ropes. This instantly triggers Felton to bust through the door, waving a shotgun and being all loud. This is probably not good.

Felton sends the kids a-runnin’, and then gets into a heated discussion with Jason. We learn two things. One, these people sure do love themselves some F-bomb droppin’. Oh, and it appears that Felton reckons he just might kill Jason, and then shoves the shotgun in Jason’s face. Jason and his tight jeans begin formulating Plan B.

Roll opening credits. Liquor stores, revivals and hookers.

Cut to Sookie and her clingy bathrobe still mad that Eric owns her house and stuff. “What do you want?” He wants her. She is not impressed with this option. He babbles about how she smells dang good to other vampires, and he can protect her. If he just wanted her blood, he would have taken it already. And by the way, when she gets all “Fairy Sookie” with her sarcastic remarks, she’s even more fetching. Then Eric and his incredibly-long torso leave to go do something vampiric.

Next up is Bill with the new character, Katie, the one who’s infiltrated the witch coven. They’re discussing the bad news that the witches made the little birdie fly, at least for a few seconds, and that Bill considers Katie’s work with the coven a done deal. (“It’s too dangerous.”) Then Katie unbuttons her shirt, and suddenly the two of them are racing off to jump in the bed. Oh?

Zip over to outside Fangtasia, where there’s a group of protestors waving signs and chanting. Seems they’re a little unhappy about vampires at them moment, with Russell having done that on-air spinal surgery and everything. Pam, looking exceptionally hot in a stylized leather jumpsuit, marches outside, followed by Jessica and Hoyt. One of the protestors calls Hoyt a fangbanger, which leads to Hoyt going off and making some very valid points about the true nature of Christianity. The protestor has no clue about decency, and belligerent ignorance ensues. (Sound familiar?)

Jess and Pam stay out of it at first, until one guy who’s catching all this on his video phone calls Jess a “vamp-whore”. She’s on him in half a second, but Pam breaks them up, trying to send Hoyt and Jess back inside. “Let these good people practice their Constitutional right to be effin’ idiots.” But the first protestor purposely bumps Hoyt, and that’s it. Fists start flying.

Cut to Sam and his naked self running through the woods, just coming out of a nice shape-shifting adventure. He comes along one of his “anger management” girls, Luna, just sprawled on the grass, also unsheathed, and apparently quite proud of her accessories. They flirt for a bit while the cameraman tries to figure out which angle best highlights her nipples. They lean in for a kiss, but then Luna suddenly jumps to her feet, transitioning into a horse before galloping away.

Well, that’s one way to make an exit.

Shot of Sookie marching along, passing through the graveyard like one apparently has to do whenever they go anywhere in this town. Jump to Bill and Katie jumping each other on his bed, going at it in an eye-opening style. We get a lovely panning shot from Katie’s head bouncing off the side of the bed to Bill’s energetic butt. Hoo boy.

Back to Sookie, fighting through Spanish moss and cobwebs before she arrives at Bill’s house. Bill’s remodeled house, that is, not the skanky mess he had last season. There’s nice landscaping and pretty lights and security guards, who surround Sookie and her surprised look. Upstairs, Bill senses Sookie and stops with the aerobics, much to Katie’s annoyance.

In the yard, Sookie learns that Bill is now a king, and you can’t just waltz into his house any time you please. Sookie and her sweater are even more confused, but luckily Bill sends word to his homies that Sookie can come on up. She totters into the house, taking note of all the fine furnishings and electronic gadgetry everywhere as she heads upstairs, probably a little irritated that Bill never picked up the house back in the day when she was using her frequent flier miles.

Strolling into Bill’s room, she finds Bill and Katie clearly re-clothing themselves and looking slightly furtive. (“Your snipers didn’t mention you had company.”) Bill sends the unimpressed Katarina away, but not before Sookie notices that Bill has been dining on Katie’s neck. Bill looks a little sheepish, Sookie looks like she’d rather be having an enema.

Cut to Jesus at Laff’s place, where gaudy flamboyance reigns supreme, as they are discussing the difference between white and black magic. Lafayette is a little unnerved about “stepping in where we don’t belong”. Jesus thinks magic is magic, it’s a matter of how people choose to use it. Then they begin to suck face.

I’m telling you, lust is in the air tonight, people.

Back to Bill and Sookie, where she wants him to do something about this pesky business of Eric owning her. You’re his king! Bill is hesitant. Eric has friends in high places, but that’s all I can tell you. I’ll see what I can do, but it may take some time (because the season just started, natch) so you might want to hole up with another human for now.

Fine. Sookie initially asks how Bill became king, then decides she doesn’t want to know, since past revelations from Bill have never been especially fun, usually resulting in disappointment, confusion, and somebody having to clean blood off kitchen floors. She leaves.

Bill then has a convenient flashback, to 1982 London, where he first met that Vampire League of America blondie, Nan. She’s impressed that he doesn’t kill his victims. We’re impressed that Bill looks pretty hot as a punk rocker with eyeliner. Seems Nan wants Bill to join the growing, underground movement of vamps who want to assimilate with the general population, and that they are on the verge of synthesizing human blood so they don’t have to hunt, an unsavory activity to most humans. Interested?

Bill is, but how do we go about this. Nan explains that they have to infiltrate the monarchies, work from inside. (Similar to how Nan’s hairstylist apparently works.) Bill ponders.

Cut to Merlotte’s, where Sookie is apologizing to the still-truculent Sam for having been gone so long, although she doesn’t bother to tell him what really happened. Someday, I promise. Then Arlene and Terry bang into the place, also apologizing, in this case for having to bring along their baby, unable to find a sitter. (Um, probably because that baby’s eyes are solid black. Think that might be it?)

Sookie doesn’t care about ocular coloring, and proceeds to fawn over the baby, leading to a discussion where Arlene is clearly very concerned that something is out of sorts with Junior but she’s trying to be strong, that Terry refuses to believe such nonsense, and that there are far too many folks in this town having unprotected sex with people and things that they shouldn’t.

Next up is Sheriff Andy driving into the Drug Lab Village, looking all jittery. Felton, genius that he is, realizes that this is not a pleasant turn of events, and sends out Toobow to intercept. (Really? Man-boy is your best option?) Meanwhile, Crystal saunters into the room where they are holding Jason. I love you and I have a plan to get us out of here but right now you gotta shut the hell up. She then stuffs part of his shirt into his mouth to ensure compliance with the not-talking part.

Back to Andy and Toobow, where negotiations aren’t going so well, probably because neither of them can spell that word and therefore don’t know how to conduct them. Luckily, Felton, from his hidey-hole in a shed, realizes that Andy is in withdrawal (he has the same symptoms), so he gives a vial of V to some homeless person that happened to wander into the shed, and sends they guy over to Andy with the present. Andy snatches up the “evidence” and drives away.

Merlotte’s again, with Sam discovering Luna in his office, sitting in a chair and looking sultry. She’s so sorry for the way she acted last night, galloping off right when Sam was almost in the saddle, and she’s ready to make nice. They smooch, then Luna gets Sam’s assurance they can play Old MacDonald later tonight before scooting out the front door. Tommy makes a comment to Sam about Luna’s hotness, but Sam cuts him off and marches away.

In Merlotte’s kitchen, there’s an incident with Arlene being convinced that Junior just made blood vessels in her eye pop, and she runs hysterically from the room. Terry continues to believe that nothing is wrong with the baby, while said baby continues to have creepy eyes that anyone else would take one look at and head for the hills.

Cut to Sookie in her crappy little yellow car (you’d think one of these rich vamps would buy her a decent one) arriving home. Sookie suddenly has a brief vision of that evil Mab Fairy Woman (and a pack of howling friends) coming at her, but then the vision turns into Tara racing up to hug Sookie. Tara looks amazingly good, so they go in the house to talk about the goodness.

Once inside, Sookie discovers a few gifts from Eric. (Tara: “Sookie, you ain’t with him now?” Sookie: “He bought my house, that’s all.”) Eric has also left a jug of blood in the fridge (Sookie pours it out), and a nice armoire thing that leads to a slumber chamber for Eric. Sookie is livid. “He built himself a cubby in my house!” (He built a Mousketeer?) Sookie cuts the reunion short so she can go express her displeasure to the tall one.

Jessica arises from her own cubby to check on Hoyt, battered from the bar fight the previous night. To help him feel better, she offers her blood, but he makes an unwise remark about not needing that stuff. Jessica, deeply offended at the dismissal of her liquids, takes Hoyt’s pickup to go get him some aspirin, supposedly. Instead, she drives the other way, headed to Shreveport and Fangtasia and something that Hoyt will probably not care for.

Tara arrives at Laff’s house, just as he and Jesus are about to head out for the evening. Hey, girl, so good to see you, lookin’ fine, wanna go to a meeting with a witch coven? Hop in!

Eric shows up at Bill’s, apparently having been summoned. Bill wants Sookie’s house back. Eric is not interested and turns to go. Bill wants Eric to check out a new coven. Eric continues turning to go, not interested in a common coven. Bill explains that this coven briefly brought a bird back to life. Eric freezes. This is quite unpleasant news. It seems that witches who can control the dead can also control vampires.

Oh?

Eric races off the check out the coven as Bill has ordered, but not before first being overly dramatic at taking leave of “my king”.

This triggers another flashback for Bill, with him recalling his final encounter with former Queen Sophie Anne, the one where we left them floating in the air. Seems Sophie was indeed stronger than Bill, being older and all, so Bill has her taken down by snipers with silver and wooden bullets. Sophie becomes soup.

Nan steps out of the shadows and proclaims Bill the new King of Louisiana. (After he swears that Sookie means nothing to him now. Interesting.) Okay, got it. Thanks for finally clarifying that angle, Bill. Now, there are about 50 other things I’d like you to explain.

Whoops, no time for that, we’re off to Fangtasia, where Sookie is trying to convince Pam to convince Eric to give her back the house. Pam scoffs at Sookie for attempting this (“he’s my maker!”), then tries schooling Sookie on the benefits of being Eric’s bitch. Sookie is over that, so Pam saunters away, looking amazingly drag-queenish from behind, while Sookie sits and waits for Eric to return from wherever.

Jessica pulls up outside Fangtasia, strolls inside, lets her hair down, quickly finds the little stud boy who gave her the eye last night, and runs to join him. Hmm.

Over to the coven, where one of the women is babbling about the excitement over the bird-raising. Jesus is thrilled, Laff is noncommittal, and Tara is not impressed with the show. Then Marnie announces that the next project will be rejuvenating “a person”. Everybody in the group is not thrilled (well, except for one guy with a ponytail, with his paltry single line of dialogue). Tara has had enough and goes outside.

Cut to Sam and his pack of friends, sitting at a campfire. They chat a bit, then Luna fesses up that she once shifted into her Mom, who died at Luna’s birth. Oh? And there’s more, some mess about Luna being raised as an Indian, with stories of “skin walkers” and evil witches and general unpleasantness. Luna very possibly has some serious issues.

All of this hilarity is interrupted by the four of them hearing something in the nearby woods. Sam races to investigate, spies Tommy, who shifts into a bird, so Sam shifts and catches him, causing them to both shift back, and suddenly we have naked men falling from the sky. (What’s the address of this town again?)

So they stand there naked, forcing us to really concentrate on what they are saying. Tommy’s still pissed. Sam is still pissed. But Tommy would really like to work it out. Sam finally offers to try a baby step at a time. But first they should probably find some clothes, yes?

Next we’re outside the Moon Goddess Emporium, with Tara chatting to her girlfriend back in Nawlins. They miss each other. Of course, since Tara’s been lying to her girlfriend about everything, the girlfriend really doesn’t know what she’s missing.

Cut inside, where Laff is wondering just where the hell they are going to find a dead body. Conveniently, Eric walks through the door. Of course, he’s not volunteering his own services, but instead came to call so he could change the evening’s program of events. Glares are exchanged.

Quick return to Fangtasia, where Sookie catches Jessica fanging her new beau in the ladies’ room. There’s heated discussion (Sookie is not pleased about Jess’ activities, Jess is not pleased with Sookie nearly destroying Bill emotionally with her absence, the person in stall 3 is not pleased with the jammed toilet-paper dispenser) and ends with Jess proclaiming “I can eat who I want!” Sookie hops in her ugly car and drives off into the night.

Back to Moon Goddess, with Eric letting folks know that the coven will not be meeting again. Ever. Marnie does not care for this option, arguing. (Laff cautions her to hold up, girl.) Tara wanders back in, done with her lying phone call, just as Marnie gets uppity and demands that her coven join hands to fight. Eric snatches her up and bites her, the serious biting that means this is not just a snack, and Marnie is going down. Fast.

The rest of the coven (except Lafayette and Tara) grab hands and start the bring-back chant. Tara, fairly stupidly, finds a handy wooden stake-thing and tries to jump Eric, but he catches her and quickly decides that she will be course number two on the menu. Laff quickly joins the circle, chanting his ass off, suddenly thinking that rejuvenation is pretty nifty after all when your cousin is about to kick it. The incantations get louder as Eric descends on Tara’s neck.

And he suddenly stops. Marnie is alive. And Marnie is pissed. As she chats in some language, her image flickering to that of another golden-eyed woman, Eric stares around in wonder, apparently drained of willpower and adequate hair product. He turns and runs out the door. Marnie snaps out of her apparent trance. “What happened?”

Cut to Jason and his bondage. Crystal and Felton come in, all happy and such. Guess what? We’ve been having trouble doing our part to keep our inbred panther family going strong, so we’ve decided you need to be a panther person too so we can breed with you and make panther babies. Yay! Then they transition and start chewing on Jason. And not in a good way.

Final bit is Sookie rolling along in that toy car, when she spies Eric, shirtless, walking along the side of the road. She rolls down the window. Yo, what’s up with your long-waisted self?

He has no idea who she is.

But he does know that she smells pretty damn good.


Roll end credits.

“True Blood” - Season 4, Episode 1

We start out in Fairy Land, where some celestial waitress is walking around, plucking light-up fruit from trees and plunking them into a basket. Lots of people are standing around and chatting politely while wearing togas and free-lowing garments, as if we’ve just crashed a cocktail party in ancient Greece.

Suddenly, Sookie and her personal Fairy Recruitment Officer appear during a flash of pretty golden light, and the party guests all clap approvingly. The officer explains to Sookie that she is her fairy godmother, to which Sookie replies with an assessment of said godmother’s skills: “You suck.”

Sookie then spots a familiar face and trots up to him. Why, it’s Barry the Bellboy from that creepy vampire hotel in Dallas. (Barry has his own godmother, a flamboyantly dressed blond guy named Lloyd. Nice to see that fairies are equal-opportunity employers.) The happy reunion is cut short by that pushy waitress with her basket of oddly-glowing fruit. Please, take one, despite the possible radiation poisoning.

Barry does, sucking on it rapturously, but Sookie doesn’t. She thinks something is fishy about food with its own power source. Then she’s distracted by another man standing nearby, who just happens to be her Granddaddy Earl, who managed to expire way back in the day before cell phones were invented.

Sookie rushes forth. “Grandpa?” Earl is confused, last time he saw Sookie she was knee-high to a mudflap, and he thinks that event was a mere few hours ago. Sookie corrects him: I’m sorry, Mr. Gary Coleman playing my grand pappy, but the last time you saw me was actually twenty years ago!

Cue opening credits while our minds spin, trying to figure out just where the hell this story is going now. The credits are basically the same as least season, although I think they might have thrown in an extra exposed breast or two.

Sookie and Grandpa again. Grandpa: “Did Grandma pass gentle?” Sookie chooses to lie. She sure did! Didn’t get ripped apart savagely at all. Grandpa: I just can’t understand what’s going on. (We’re right there with ya, Gramps.) Then their travel down the nostalgia road is interrupted by Sookie noticing odd things, like sewage oozing through the walls of the otherwise pristine Fairy Garden and what sounds like the devil speaking in tongues.

Sookie mind-melds with Grandpa Earl. This is all wrong! “It’s a trap!”

Whoopsie, guess Sookie sort of forgot that she’s now in a land of milk and honey and other beings who can read minds. The rest of the crowd turns to her in utter disgust, as if she’d broken wind during a Vivaldi aria. Said crowd parts to allow an especially bitter woman to take the stage, a Fairy Bigwig by the name of Mab who tries to force some of the lightning-bug fruit on Sookie. Eat it now or I’ll slap you.

Sookie is having none of this pushiness, and instead knocks Mab off kilter with one of Sookie’s special fire balls that she manages to produce at carefully-scripted times. Mab does not take kindly to this, and changes into an ugly she-demon thing with bad hair. Oh, and she also transforms the lovely garden party into an arid desert world with lots of drabness and unkempt landscaping.

Well, this can’t be good, so Sookie and Grandpa Earl flee, racing up an incline to a place where, hopefully, people aren’t so rude. As they scramble and pant, they encounter some elf-eared people who want to save them. This sets up a battle between the elves and the rampaging fairy military force, cuing cheesy special effects along the lines of “Land of the Lost” with fireballs killing off lots of extras hired just so they could scream and die violently.

Eventually, Sookie and Earl and the helpful elves arrive at a giant crevasse (think Grand Canyon, with no apparent bottom), where the lead elf informs Sookie that she must jump, since she hasn’t eaten the forbidden fruit. Grandpa has, so he’s probably screwed, but anyway, they leap asunder and end up in the Bon Temps cemetery.

Quick shot of both Bill and Eric awakening, eyes flying open like the proctologist just hit the mark.

Grandpa is not doing so well, his image frequently wavering, so Sookie tries to comfort him, even though we know he’s a goner because he stupidly ate the appetizers. He whips out his pocket watch. “Give this to Jason. Love you.” Then he’s dust.

Cut to Sookie marching toward her homestead, and she’s startled to find that the house is all painted and pretty. Oh? She stomps through the door, despite someone cast as a house painter trying to stop her. When he pushes the issue, threatening to call the police, she just has two words for him. “Do it.”

A bit later, we have Sookie sobbing at the dining room table, fondling the watch and looking despondent. A policeman arrives, pounding on the door and then entering. Sookie and the audience are stunned to see that it’s Jason. Sookie: “Why are you dressed like a cop.” Because he IS one. (I’d like to see the test results on that mess.) And, oh, by the way, Sookie, you’ve been gone for 12 and a half months.

A bit more later, Sookie and Jason are chatting, and we learn that he sold the house after finally deciding that he “couldn’t take it” anymore, with her not coming back from wherever. A company named “A.I.K.” bought the house. (Right away we should be suspicious because companies with random letters in their names are never up to any good.) Jason: And sister girl, don’t tell people about time-traveling to a land of fairies.

This is sage advice that we should all take. I’ve gotten into so much trouble with the inadvertent blurting of my fairy stories.

But Sookie trumps him by producing the watch. “He never meant to leave you.” They bond and stuff, then Jason decides it’s really important to set his new watch, which apparently can still function despite years spent in a place where people eat neon fruit and having fallen through the space-time continuum. “What time is it?”

Sookie politely reports that it’s 6:35, then realizes this means it’s basically night time and that a whole mess of vampires is probably interested that she took the Fairy Train back to Rockville. She dashes outside, where Bill promptly zaps in from wherever he’s hanging his hat these days. It’s clear from the dialogue that she’s still peeved at him for not being a gentleman before she booked a flight on Southwest Fairylines.

Not to be outdone, Eric zaps in as well, and proceeds to bicker with Bill about who has the bigger fang. Bill finally orders Eric to leave (Oh? When did Bill get the upper hand?) and Eric does, but not before announcing “They ALL gave up. But I never did.” Bill looks uncomfortable at these words, so there’s probably more that we don’t know about, and this review will probably run 37 pages.

Then a sheriff car arrives, and Andy hops out and speaks to Sookie. When you’re ready, “come on down to the station,” and we’ll file the reports on who kidnapped you. Bill steps up: She was working for me on vampire business. Andy is not impressed with this revelation, and rants for a bit about Bill not coming clean before now, that a lot of time was wasted.

This coming from a man who had pig visions and possibly fornicated with demons.

Bill offers to pay for all the costs the police department incurred, as long as they clear his name with that kidnapping and/or killing business. Andy, who looks oddly different this season and therefore is probably being set up for some twist that we don’t see coming, whines some mess about a plaque that he didn’t earn. Jason hauls Andy off so they can both go over the script again and make sure they know what they are talking about.

Now it’s just Sookie and Bill. Sookie: I know time was different here, but for me, “only an hour ago you broke my heart.” But I’m glad you’re okay. Bill: “Goodnight, Sookie.”

What the hell? Sookie once again pours out her feelings, only to have those feelings trampled on by Bill honoring some stupid code that we really haven’t understood since Sookie first wore short-shorts while serving crawfish at Merlotte’s.

Quick scene with Jason and Andy. Jason: “Are you using again?” Andy lies, Jason finds a vial of V (oh?) and tenseness ensues.

Cue Lafayette and Jesus outside some place called “Moon Goddess Emporium”. Laff is not the least bit impressed with going inside, ranting about the past year where Jesus has pushed him to do a lot of witch-exploratory things, and Laff is not happy about this. But Laff gives in. “Five minutes. Ten if there are drinks.”

I am now adopting this as a motto. I’m going to have t-shirts made.

They enter the emporium, then head back to a large room where a modified prayer circle is in progress. Two girls leave the circle and happily welcome Jesus, and fawn over him finally bringing Laff to the shindig. (One of the girls is introduced as “Katie”, don’t think we’ve seen her before, but the other might be that maybe witchy chick who convinced Arlene to swig a potion in a chalk circle last season. It’s never very clear what’s going on in Bon Temps.)

The camera cuts to some woman perched on a bean bag (like you can really perch on something that is constantly shifting every time you breathe) who is apparently the superstar at this gala. This Marnie woman gestures at Lafayette like she just got a cramp, then proceeds to start grunting. Katie, who seems to be the Debbie Upper of the party, interprets the guttural expulsions. Does Laff know someone named Eddie?

Brief cut shot of Eddie, the screwed-up V-addict from that whole “surprisingly violent basement death” shenanigans from a few seasons ago. Uh oh. Marnie then announces that Eddie has a rose for Lafayette, and holds out her hand. Laff stupidly takes the imaginary rose, which causes Marnie to instantly channel Eddie, same voice, same accusations. Laff is not impressed with this, and he and his pearls stomp out of the building, followed by Jesus.

Next scene is Arlene arriving home from wherever, and she encounters Baby Mikey plopped on the living room floor. (Said Mikey being the demon offspring she shot out of her hesitant womb, fathered by Renee, the demonic serial killer. These things happen in Louisiana towns where public education is not quite what it should be.) Strewn about the floor are various dolls with their heads ripped off.

Arlene hollers for Terry, who wanders in from a personal situation in the bathroom. Arlene: “What the hell kind of baby does that?” Terry: “He’s a good boy.” Arlene: “Ain’t my half I’m worried about.” Arlene to Baby Mikey: “Killing is wrong!”

And the Republicans still want to shut down Planned Parenthood? Jesus. And I don’t mean Laff’s boyfriend.

Transition to some street that looks like it could be in New Orleans, then the camera zooms in on some place where tough women are boxing. The crowd surrounding the ring love the action, jumping and shimmying in delight, and they all appear to be female. One of the two women in the ring triumphs in her brutality toward the other, and we see that it’s Tara.

Really? Guess sister girl took some night classes and found a new career.

Next up is Jessica and Hoyt. (It’s easy to forget how many thousands of characters we have running around in this mess.) Hoyt has just arrived home, and they immediately get into a tiff about why Jessica can’t make some decent dinner for Hoyt, seeing as she lays on her ass all day and watches Oprah. Jess, explaining why human food is so repulsive: “Going to the Piggly Wiggly is like going to the morgue!”

I’ve thought the exact same thing, but for completely different reasons. Have you ever tried to get around Granny Mae Flatulence when she’s blocking the produce aisle?

Jessica WAY over-reacts, taking a page from the “Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford” rule book and barely cooking some eggs for Hoyt to consume, shells and all. He eats some of the drippy yuck, pretending to be in heaven, and then they both dissolve into laughter over the whole thing.

Ah, young love. So completely unrealistic about what’s about to come. Give them a few years and they’ll both be alcoholics with fake profiles on swinger websites.

Jason and Sookie. Jason, not wanting to leave Sookie alone: “I’m watching out for you. This is the happiest I’ve ever been.” Sookie: I’m still mad at you for selling the house. Call those people back! (Like both of them don’t already have enough on their plate. Sookie, love ya, but could you just sit down and watch mindless TV for once?)

Zip over to Fangtasia, where Pam is taping some PR interview about vampires wanting to make nice. She completely sucks at it, much to the chagrin of… hell, I can’t remember her name, that one vampire leader lady with her bitchy hair. Luckily, Eric strolls in the club about that time, and Bitchy waves him over to do the spot. Naturally, Eric is very charming, mainly because we all want to sleep with him.

Cue Bill at a press conference, where he’s babbling about being the “oldest resident” in Bon Temps as people are dedicating a park or some such. It’s clear that this is all political spin for the benefit of the stupid humans, who are still a little anxious after Russell borrowed a spinal column from that newscaster at the end of last season. There’s some nice, wickedly fun dialogue in the script. Eric: “Who would you rather trust? A vampire or a politician?”

Oh, and Bill has a bit where he fawns over somebody named “Portia Bellefleur”, a woman who helped with recent civic duties or some such, but based on her darting eyes, it’s possible that she has intimate knowledge of exactly where Bill’s stake has been lately. Not clear, who knows.

Back over to this boxing arena that might be in New Orleans, with Tara wandering out of the building and lighting up a cigarette. She’s followed by the girl who lost the bout match, a woman who promptly snatches the cigarette out of Tara’s mouth and tosses it away just before they begin tonguing each other. This would certainly be interesting news for Sam, yes?

Then some drunk guy wanders up, apparently more than ready to pay the girls cash money so he watch them partake in Sapphic calisthenics. Tara chews him out (verbally, that is) and then snatches the money out of his hands. “This is for not reporting you for solicitation.”

Home girl has sure been up to some things we don’t know about. Sayin.

Cut to Sookie at Merlotte’s, where she and Arlene and Terry are making nice. Laff joins them. Sookie; “Tara?” Laff: “She moved.” Sookie: “WTF?” Then the gang runs off to make omelets or something, allowing Sam to move in on Sookie. Sam: “Vampire business, huh?” Musta been really important. A lot has changed since you left. Sookie: “Like you’ve gotten more prickly?”

I like that line. It’s mine now.

Laff and Jesus in the kitchen at Merlotte’s. Laff: You set me up. Jesus: Magic is a gift, Marnie is great. That’s going nowhere, so Sheriff Andy barges in and sends Jesus scurrying out the back door. (Jesus to Laff, pre-departure: Another meeting with the witches tonight. Be there or be square!)

Laff: “Can I help you Mr. Po-Po?” Andy spews some lying mess about needing more V for the investigation. Laff ain’t got none. Andy gets violent, wanting a fix, and Jason has to rush in and break things up. Jason to Laff: Whatever just happened, didn’t. Laff and his makeup just stand there, not saying a word.

Back out in the main area of the restaurant, Hoyt’s Momma Maxine barges through the door, amped up in Super Bitch mode, dragging Tommy along with her. (Oh, yeah, forgot about them finding the Lord together in the midst of trying to screw people over.) They plop down at a table, harass the nearby staff, and proceed to pray for the deep-fried goodness they are about to receive.

Sam to Tommy: “How’s that physical therapy going?” You know, the therapy I’m paying for. After I shot your ass for being everything a brother shouldn’t? That therapy.

Cut to Tara and her new-development girlfriend, wallering around in bed. Tara gets a text from Lafayette that Sookie done come back into town. Tara tells Girlfriend that her Grandma just died, so we learn that Tara is a liar these days. We also learn that Girlfriend thinks Tara’s name is “Toni” and that she hails from Atlanta. Tara doesn’t mess around when it comes to reinventing her life.

Sookie and Portia sitting at Merlotte’s, and we realize that Portia is working on getting Sookie’s house back from the mysterious A.I.K. Portia is being awfully snooty, so Sookie reads her mind and finds out that Portia is a two-faced nasty thang. Great, like Sookie needs more of those.

We zip over to Fangtasia, where Hoyt is at the bar while free-spirit Jessica is dancing with herself. Some guy named Matt hits on her while Hoyt is distracted by having to stand AND drink a beer at the same time. Jess is tempted by Matt’s throbbing vein, but she turns down the fang-banger, who wanders off to stand by the bar and look hot.

Hoyt joins Jess on the floor, but she quickly runs off to the powder room. Jess is pouting in a stall when Pam bangs on the door. “Toilets are for humans only!” The door opens so Pam can see who is in there. “Oh, it’s you! We been worried sick!” (Not.) Jess explains that she’s been with Hoyt. Pam: “That tree with a plaid shirt has a name?” Then Pam tears into Jess for ignoring her hunter nature, so Jess tears right back. Yet another catfight in a random ladies’ room. Yay!

Next scene has Sam sitting in a group of people who appear to be supporting him as he tells all about some personal issues. (Mainly, Tommy messed him up.) The supportive ladies are very pretty, leading to a sidebar comment from the viewing audience: “Is this an anger management session with Charlie’s Angels?” (Thanks, Terry.) The camera pulls back, and these folks appear to be having dinner and drinking wine. (Sidebar again: “They’re having wine at an anger management class?”)

Sam tries to get everybody to drink even more, but the two gals and a guy make excuses, gotta get up early, blah blah. Sam: Well, then, let’s get to it. Then they all start ripping off their clothes excitedly.

What the hell?

Cut to a shot of some horses running out of a barn and off into a field, just to keep the confusion level really high, then a truck pulls into what I believe is the meth-lab camp where the crazy, dirty people live. Jason hops out and begins to distribute food to the filthy urchins, like he promised he would do last season. When one disturbed little girl starts to eat a chicken raw, Jason mutters that “We need to get Crystal back.” (Um, I’m thinking you need more than just Crystal to handle these Children of Dirt and Inbreeding.)

Jason hands a tub of ice cream to a boy, one who looks extremely wild-eyed and should never be trusted with dairy, instructing him to go put it in the freezer. The boy zombies off, and then returns, reporting that the freezer done conked out. Jason goes to investigate the oddly propped-open freezer, stupidly reaching inside it, and he is promptly whacked on the head and locked into the freezer. Poor Jason. Boxes always give him so much trouble.

Witch Emporium once again, with the folks in a circle and leader Marnie focused on a dead parrot on a cute little stepstool. (This doesn’t look good at all.) Jesus and Laff are there, but Laff is sitting back a bit, not impressed and looking around for the free alcohol. Marnie mutters something about more work in the spiritual world, that they need to “Guide Minerva” to bring down the price of gasoline or some such.

Then Minvera starts some Latin chanting and a “return to the living” ceremony, which startles her acolytes (“We haven’t studied this!”), especially the cute one named Katie. Of course, none of them get up and leave, like anybody who is not interested in avian reanimation would do. Marnie seems to have reached an impasse, with the bird insisting on remaining dead, so she glares at Laff and demands that he join hands with the circle.

When he does, power surges through them all, two people appear to have orgasms, Marnie goes into overdrive with the grunting, and the bird springs to life, flying around the room a bit before going back to birdie heaven. Oh boy, these folks done stepped in it now.

Cut to Katie marching toward a fancy estate. She is cleared by a security guard, then she tromps through the house and into some room, nodding toward someone sitting at a desk. “Your majesty.”

It’s Bill.

Final scene is Sookie at home, having just taken another shower like she’s always managing to do, and currently wearing a bathrobe. She decides that it’s entirely too humid to mess with clothing, so she whips off the robe and throws it behind her.

And Eric catches it. Sookie: “What are you doing here? I rescinded your invitation!” Eric: “You don’t own the house. I do.” Sookie, managing to jiggle around a bit so we can get tantalizing glimpses of flesh, “Why?” Eric: “If I owned the house, then I would own you. You’re mine, Sookie!”

His fangs pop.

Uh oh.