#179 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 9

We start out at the Libertad camp, right after they’ve sent Alina packing. NaOnka in a sidebar: She thinks Marty went too far in his attacks on Jane. (Which is true, he did, but Nay, dumplin‘, you go too far with everything, so I’m not sure that you and that thing on your head should be the one talking about this.)

We see Chase whispering to Brenda: Please tell me you didn’t buy that crap Marty was spewing. Brenda acts like she was all offended by Marty, but you know Brenda’s a sneaky one so she’s probably thrilled that it happened. Then Jane gives her a wake-up call: “Well, wait until he attacks you, honey.” Brenda should really consider this, but she’s too busy waiting for someone to hand her the money because she thinks she’s already won.

Cut to Jane in a sidebar: She has nothing but glowing things to say about wonderful Mr. Marty. Not. “He knows his days are numbered.”

Roll opening credits.

Right when we come back from the commercials, the producers unleash something on the soundtrack that sounds like a man being torn apart by wild pigs. Since we have the volume cranked so we don’t miss any important snide remarks in a sidebar, this screech-noise echoes up and down the block, with lights popping on in neighboring houses. I don’t know what that was, but they don’t need to do it again.

We see Marty and Sash doing something with a water barrel, with Marty trying to figure out which other person voted for him at the last tribal. (It was Holly.) Marty in a sidebar: “It’s frustrating trying to play the game with people that are just stupid.” Well, Marty, it’s also frustrating playing with arrogant buttheads, so that makes it a level playing field, don’t you think? Now go do something on a part of the island where the cameras can’t reach you.

Next we have folks standing around eating rice, because that’s always exciting. Marty tells Benry and Dan what the plan is (because he’s the only one smart enough to have a plan, right?). Marty wants to tell everyone that they are voting for NaOnka, to flush the Idol out, and then actually send Jane home. Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-Worthless both nod like this is the greatest plan, ever. (Of course, someone has to run up and nod Dan’s head for him, because he can’t do it on his own.)

Jane in a sidebar: Like I can’t hear you, Marty. Dumb-ass. Marty knows there’s a noose around his neck and he’s desperate. “I’d like to take him to the woodshed and whip his ass.” (Love her.)

Time for the Reward Challenge, with the winners getting to ride zip-lines and then have a nice barbecue. (When folks hear about the fixins that await at the barbecue, most of them have involuntary orgasms, especially Brenda, who apparently has a very special relationship with apple pie.) To win, your team just has to be the first to negotiate a very strenuous obstacle course, find three keys, then open three locks at the end of the run. Jeff announces that they will now randomly draw for the two teams.

Random? We end up with all the ladies on one team, and all the guys on the other, with Chase having to sit out so the teams are even. No offense, ladies, but this isn’t really fair, with such a physical challenge. The guys are already smirking, instantly assuming that they will win, so of course we have to root for the girls.

Jeff turns to Chase, and makes him pick a team to win. If that team does succeed, he gets to fly through the air and eat barbecue with them. Otherwise, nada. Chase opts to side with the women, which earns him the undying hatred of the guys. And off we go.

At first it’s really close, but since we’re dealing with things like breaking through strong brick walls, the guys eventually pull ahead. (The first time the girls hit that brick wall, they bounce right off, which would have been funny if critical things like apple pie weren‘t involved.) Dan, of course, basically has to be carried through part of the course, but the guys eventually win. And as expected, the guys give Chase all sorts of smack for not picking them.

Interesting twist: Jeff asks the guys if any of them are willing to give up their spot so one of the girls can go, with Jeff pointing out that this is a social and strategic game. The guys take one millisecond to all say no. Jeff: See that? “Whatever alliances exist, they aren’t existing right now.” Word.

Marty in a sidebar: “Watching Chase join Jane was like watching the movie “Dumb and Dumber”. (Whatev, Marty. You’re such a jerk.)

Cut to the boys riding the zip lines. They seem to be having a good time and all, except for Dan. Even when riding something designed to make him go fast, he falls apart. He doesn’t even have to do anything, which is his specialty, but he still can’t handle it, inching along like it’s jello time at the old folks home.

They finally get to the food, where Marty promptly starts babbling about his plan to trick NaOnka and send Jane home. The guys all seem to be on board, but it’s hard to gauge their true feelings when they’re all shoving sausages in their mouths. (Danny eats and drinks more than anybody, because it’s HARD WORK doing nothing all day.)

Fabio, of all people (he’s not the sharpest fool in the bed), wonders what Brenda thinks of Chase, which is a good question. Brenda is pivotal. Marty doesn’t really care, like Chase is completely unimportant. Dan agrees about Chase. (“He’s a bad horse to ride.” Yep, Dan said that. Even the cameraman stumbles when he hears Dan saying somebody else is worthless.)

Sash in a sidebar: Marty’s plan makes sense, but “Brenda and I are the two smartest minds out here. In the end, she and I have the power to send whoever we want home.” (I’d still sleep with one eye open, Sash. It’s the people who relax and get too comfortable in this game that usually get hit with a blindside. Sayin.)

Back at camp, the girls all love on Chase for supporting them. Well, except for Brenda, in a sidebar: He didn’t make a smart move. He should have went with the guys. “Chase doesn‘t make smart moves, that‘s his problem.” (Really? Can you count, Brenda? The five girls plus Chase can trump any vote coming from the five other guys. Oh, wait. You and Sash are joined at the arrogant hip. My bad.)

Anyway, Brenda aside, they all want Marty out. Holly and Chase have a sidebar where they worry about Brenda, but they end the convo with Holly saying “You gotta trust her. That’s all you can do.” (No, you actually should do more than that, but I understand that you may not have time, since it takes so long for you to shove all that hair of yours under your buff.) Chase and NoOnka chat, with Chase still worried about Brenda. Nay warns him about upsetting Brenda: “Just don’t get on her nerves.”

Chase, not listening, proceeds to do just that, cornering Brenda on the beach and grilling her, while NaOnka sits nearby and shakes her head over the stupid farm boy. Cue Brenda in a sidebar: “Chase is like a little baby, always going waah-waah-waah.”

Next we have Marty walking up with tree mail about the next Immunity challenge, which is going to be a memory test. Jane in a sidebar: “Anybody needs to win, except for Marty.” Yep. Then Jane runs off to chop wood, plow a field and shoe some horses, all before supper.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Basically, Jeff is going to show them several images in a row. Then the players have to show him these same images back using a multi-sided cube. As soon as you mess up, you’re out. Jane, NaOnka, Dan, Holly, Kelly and Sash all drop in the first round. Fabio (yep, he made it this far, can you believe it?), Chase and Benry drop during the second round, with Marty and Brenda being the final two alive. Brenda wins. (Jane practically explodes with joy.)

Back at camp, the scrambling begins. We start with Fabio and Benry, wondering if their plan to evict Jane will work. Fabio actually says this line: “I hate playing stupid so much.” Uh huh. Anyway, they decide to lay low and see how it goes. Next up is Marty, Dan and Chase, with Marty telling Chase it’s going to be Nay. (Marty tries using a sports analogy that doesn’t really prove anything other than the fact that Marty plays different sports than anybody else.)

Shot of Marty on the beach, looking paranoid as hell, while Jane sits nearby, plotting his death.

Chase and Holly, with Holly wondering what Marty has said to him. Chase fesses that they’re saying NaOnka, but he thinks they plan to blindside Jane. (Smart man.) Holly: “So, who are you voting for?” Chase: “I’m voting for Marty.” Holly carries on this conversation by constantly shoving fruit in her mouth, so she might have some focus issues.

Marty runs up to Brenda, presenting his plan as “Sash’s plan”. That’s what everybody wants. (Brenda in a sidebar: “I agreed to it, but Marty’s not running the camp. Sash and I are running the camp.” )

Brenda and Sash get together, where they agree that Marty would probably be a good choice, but both of them are bothered by the fact that most of the camp wants Marty gone, and they don’t like “Jane demanding things”.

Seriously, they are mad that Marty wasn’t their own decision, even though they agree with it. What the hell? How more self-involved can you get? (Me? More than ready for Marty to go, but right behind that I can’t wait to see Brenda and Sash slam up against the wall of reality. Should be fun.) Sash actually says he’d prefer that Marty stay for a while because he’s a good cook.

What is wrong with these two?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff asks several questions, but it really comes down to one thing: NaOnka completely loses her mind. She snaps at Jeff, tears into Marty (“I don’t like him!”), rips into Fabio, and basically goes on an expletive-filled rant. Jeff: “I’m speechless. Something tells me that if you can go off like this, tribal after tribal, and you’re still here, I’m expecting you to still be sitting here at the final.”

Oh?

Time to vote.

Jeff asks about the Idol, and NaOnka doesn’t move. Something is up.

Jeff draws out the results.

Jane, Marty, Jane, Jane, Jane, Marty, Marty, Marty… and… another Marty. When Marty sees that fifth vote for him, the look of utter shock on his face is priceless. Smirking, Jeff reveals another vote for Marty, and that’s enough, he’s going home. It seems that Brenda and Sash decided that Marty wasn‘t that great a cook after all. (Jane winks at a grinning Alina on the jury.)

I crack a beer, because it’s time to celebrate.

In the previews for next week, everybody is standing around staring at the ground, totally shocked. Benry: “This is a day from hell.”

What?

Roll closing credits.

#178 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 8

We start out at the La Flor camp, with lovely shots of angry birds devouring the carcasses of dead animals. Real nice. Then we have Marty in a sidebar: “I’m a dead man walking.” Jill was a good player. “Now there are people left who have no right to be here.” Like you, Marty? Just asking.

Cut to Fabio wandering back into camp, waving tree mail. (How he even managed to find the tree mail is beyond anything I can comprehend.) Turns out that there’s a map and a key. It’s time for a merge! Everybody parties like it’s 1999, even though half the people in the tribe weren’t even born then.

Another sidebar with Marty: He thinks this merge is the greatest development ever. “I’m back in the saddle again!” Oh boy.

Roll opening credits.

Now we’re at the Espada camp, where folks stumble upon a big chest, with a note on top: Don’t open until you have the key. This gang also realizes that it’s merge time, and they have a mild celebration, although it’s not really clear if they even understand what a merge means. Benry in a sidebar: “Now we gotta start playing as individuals. And Alina has got to go.”

Dude, not sure that Alina should be your target right now. Oh wait. Your name is Benry, which is not a real name. It’s understandable if you have focus issues.

Alina tries to rally the rest of the tribe: If we all stick together, we’ll go far. Let’s get Marty!

Crickets chirp.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Nobody’s buying it.”

The La Flor tribe comes stumbling into the Espada camp, with the Espada folks stunned that Jill is gone. (So is Jill.) We zip to another Marty sidebar, because Marty is apparently the Russell in this season, getting all the camera time: “I have a new lease on life!” Thousands of people don’t cheer.

They open the mysterious chest, and find lots of food and brand-new buffs. Marty immediately dubs the new tribe “Libertad”. (It’s the Spanish word for freedom. Yay!) Everyone accepts this without discussion, so once again Marty has baffling powers over his tribe mates. They drag the chest back to camp and the feasting begins.

NaOnka in a sidebar: She babbles for a while about the wondrous joys of eating tasty food. Then, while detailing the fabulousness of some sausage she had, Nay compares the sausage to her fine booty, and then she toots.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, NaOnka actually broke wind on national TV. On purpose.

That right there goes a long way toward explaining so much about modern American society. No wonder the rest of the world doesn’t take us seriously anymore.

NaOnka, after her startling gaseous liberation, runs to find Brenda and spill some tea: You have to watch Alina. She don’t have an alliance. Brenda, unaware that Nay could easily kill her with a wave of her booty, spills as well about what has been going on since NaOnka had to go live with those horrid old people in the other camp. NaOnka: “It’s about to get real wicked!” up in here.

Um, I think it already did. Do you not see the birds dropping from the sky, gasping for breath?

Cut to Jane and Chase, with Jane running her country mouth about how she trained real dang hard to be on “Survivor”. And she owns a shotgun. (Chase in a sidebar: “She makes me miss my Momma.” Oh? Does your Momma have firearms as well? Is it required in your state?) Since they’re both from North Carolina, they decide that they completely love each other and will do anything to help each other along. At least for this episode.

Next we have NaOnka making tortillas at the campfire. She gets a little bent out of shape when her hooligan tribe mates eat all of the good tortillas and only leave her a nasty little one. So she decides to steal the sack of flour, so nobody can have tortillas again, ever. (Holly sees her do this.) We watch Nay stomp off into the jungle and bury the flour, mumbling incessantly to herself about how the world done her wrong.

But she doesn’t stop there. Nay slips back into camp and steals cooking utensils, frying pans, fruit, and one of Rupert’s tie-dye t-shirts. She dashes off to hide this loot as well. How can she possibly think this is a good idea? What is wrong with her?

Cut to a conversation between Alina and NaOnka. Alina: So, are you going to stay with the six of us (former La Flor) or get back with Brenda? (Very perceptive.) NaOnka, totally lying: Stay with the six, of course. Then Nay shows Alina all the crap that she stole. Alina seems to be a bit surprised by Nay’s actions, but this doesn’t stop her from sharing some of the fruit with Nay. NaOnka, sucking on an orange slice with ferocious intensity: “Everybody wants you out!” Alina is stunned, juice dribbling off her own chin. Why me?

NaOnka in a sidebar: I told her that just for the jury vote, so she think we tight because I warned her.

Back to the main camp, where folks are starting to realize that they got a whole mess of stuff gone AWOL. Holly calls out NaOnka. Yo, that flour you shoved in your Gucci bag before you run to the woods like the Po-Po comin’, did you put it back? Nay completely lies. Of course I put it back. Then Nay gets all huffy, mad that people are questioning her integrity. (Hello?) Fabio, of all people, completely loses it, and heated discussion ensues. Fabio cusses, Nay continues to deny, and Alina just stands there, wordless, wishing that all of this would just go away so she can go somewhere and change alliances once again.

Cut to Alina, Chase and NaOnka, trying to convince Nay to fess up. Chase: Everyone knows you did it.

Two minutes later, Nay marches into camp and does just that. To an extent. She admits to taking the flour, but only so she could “ration” it. And because Nay is Nay, she gets all street about it and snaps at the people who don’t buy her fake motive. This girl is just a twist away from a total meltdown.

Marty in a sidebar: Stealing food? On “Survivor”? Skank should go home. “But this game’s never simple”. True dat. But while we’re on the subject of what one shouldn’t do on “Survivor”, Marty, let’s review your performance. Oh, never mind, we don’t have time for that. We’d be here through the 2012 elections.

Brenda in a sidebar: “Alina confessed to being part of it. Sucks to be Alina right now.” (Actually, Brenda, Alina didn’t confess to squat, mainly because she didn’t do anything. Starting to really not like you even if your hair does look pretty in the fading sunlight.)

Chase, Sash, Brenda and Jane are sitting around, waiting for anything of the tiniest bit of interest to happen before the next challenge. They all decide that they need to distance themselves from NaOnka and her need to snatch and run. Then a bird flies overhead, and the three youngsters all scream and run for cover while Jane reaches for her trusty shotgun that isn’t there.

Sash in a sidebar: I need to take Nay to the Final Three. There is no way that anybody is going to vote for her after what she’s done. (Sash is quite confident that he’s going to be in this Final Three. I’m quite confident that Sash will be sent home before then because people are sick of his teeth being too white.)

Sash runs to NaOnka: Just keep acting like you are really sad about your crimes against nature. NaOnka nods, then seems to realize that her hairdo alone is one of those crimes, and she might have a tough sell.

Meanwhile, Jane keeps catching fish like they are falling from the sky, and she sashays into camp with her latest catch, doing one of her silly dances that somebody back on the farm ignorantly blessed as something she should actually do again. (Shot of Marty and Benry and… one of the other guys, I don’t remember… making fun of Jane. Yet they are laying on their asses in the camp hut while Jane feeds them all. I’m actually starting to really root for Jane over these lazy, self-centered, extremely egotistical losers. But I’m not bitter.)

Marty in a sidebar: Jane is a cancer. She’s got to go. (Then Marty pauses to wait for hundreds of people to applaud his wisdom. This does not immediately happen.)

Marty runs to tell Brenda that Jane is the devil incarnate. Brenda just nods and waits for the camera to stop filming their conversation.

Brenda in a sidebar: Marty has the wrong impression of Jane. Maybe we need to get rid of that at Tribal. (I’m assuming that “that” is Marty, but it’s not clear.)

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains: You have to use these metal handles to keep tension on a steel bar. If you don’t keep the pressure up, the bar will fall and break a tile, and you’re out. Oh, and the last man AND woman standing will win Immunity. Ready, GO!

Within two seconds, Kelly Purple drops her rod. Within three seconds, Dan drops his. (Dude can’t blame his leg for this one. He’s just worthless all the way around.) As time goes on, they drop in this order: Alina, Brenda, Benry, Sash, NaOnka, and Holly. Which means that Jane is the last woman standing and wins Immunity.

But she doesn’t want to give up. Jane: “What if I want to beat them?” (The three remaining guys.) Jeff, possibly turned-on by Jane’s stamina, lets her continue. Marty drops, followed by Chase, meaning that Fabio wins the Guy Immunity. Fabio lets loose of his rod, but Jane doesn’t. She shifts to the side before letting go. “I don’t want to break my tile.”

Jane outlasted all the guys. It’s official, I think I’m in love and want her to win.

Quick scene with everybody marching back to camp, and Marty is royally pissed that Jane is safe at the next Tribal. Good.

Once at camp, Jane gathers all the females and pretends to just be celebrating her win, but she whispers to them “I only wanted to beat Marty. He’s my number one choice to evict.” The rest of the girls play along, laughing and pretending that nothing sinister is going on.

Scene with Purple Kelly, Jane and Alina. It seems that all the girls would love for Marty to go home. (Jane has a small orgasm upon hearing this news.) They just need to convince Sash so they can have the extra vote they need.

Scene with Jane, NaOnka, Chase and Holly. Yep, they want Marty gone.

Then, stupidly, Chase runs to tell Dan, of all people, that it’s going to be “Marty or Alina.” Chase, you idiot, this kind of dumb-assedness is why people are leery of folks from North Carolina. You are not representing well here.

Sash marches up to Jane and Chase: I promised. I have to give the Idol back to Marty if I think he‘s in danger. Don’t make me go back on my word. (Sash, do you want to win or not? That’s the question.) Jane: Then give me the Idol. You won’t have it to give it back. Sash, of course, has no intention of doing so.

Jane in a sidebar: She’s very mad about this “Idol Gives Back” agreement. “I am NOT voting for Alina.” I can’t vote for someone that I don’t think deserves to go home.

Have I mentioned that I’m sweet on Jane at the moment? Love her.

Dan runs (okay, he hobbles) to Marty, which we totally expected, spilling about what Chase told him, that it’s Marty or Alina going home. Marty immediately goes into Paranoia Mode.

Marty runs to Sash. What’s going on? Sash assures Marty that he’s not in danger.

This is not good enough for Marty. He corners Sash and Brenda. What’s going on? Dan said Chase said such and such. Sash and Brenda act like they have no idea what Chase is talking about. Marty, because he really thinks highly of himself, then starts bellowing that if anybody tries to vote him out, he will crush them. Really? With what, Marty? The Idol that you no longer have?

Scene with Alina, Jane and Holly, with all of them realizing that they probably don’t have Sash’s vote. Go to Plan B. Alina: Let’s get Fabio to vote our way. (Fabio? He has issues with remembering how to breathe.)

But Alina goes to him anyway. “Vote Marty.” Fabio: I thought we were voting NaOnka first. (Oh please. Nay has a freakin Idol. Are you not paying any attention whatsoever, Fabio?) Alina, realizing that she should use Fabio‘s stupidity to her advantage, encourages Fab to vote for Nay since it will help her cause in the end. Fabio then goes on a mindless rant about not wanting to vote for Marty. Alina tries to be a trooper and appear to be interested in his thoughts, but she finally gives up and wanders away. Fabio doesn’t even notice.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Holly: “Is the game changing?”

Holly: Yep. People will do anything to get ahead. At this point, you can’t just agree with everyone, you have to take risks.

I’m stunned that Holly actually has some insight. Did she figure this out on her own, or did she stumble across a copy of the script while sneaking onto Jeff’s yacht in order to sink one of his over-starched shirts?

Then Marty has to jump in: “I want to clear the air.” Then he rips into Jane, going way beyond reality and clearly proving that he is just an arrogant ass. “If she makes it to the Final Three, I will vote for her” because she has fooled all these people.

Jeff to Alina: Did Marty just hurt himself?

Alina: He just posed himself as the biggest threat. (Not the greatest grammar, but point taken.)

Dan, being his usual worthless self and acting like a five-year-old: “Alina and NaOnka took food!”

NaOnka: “I’M the one that took the food.” Alina didn’t have squat to do with that mess.

Jeff, apparently not hearing what Nay just said, or even bothering to review the episode that we just watched, to Alina: What do you do to get this stigma off of you?

Alina: I’m not a threat. I’m just a pawn. And people can use pawns to get the votes they need.

Very good point. But is anybody listening?

Time to vote.

Two votes for Marty (Jane and Alina). Everybody else votes for Alina.

Jeff: Alina will be the first member of the jury. But it seems that you are “still making decisions as a group. That will have to give.”

At this point, Jane should just whip out that shotgun of hers and demand the prize money. Nobody else deserves it.

Roll end credits.

#177 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 7

We start out at the Espada camp, right after they’ve stupidly sent Yve home instead of worthless Dan. Amazingly, some of them are loving on Danny, glad that he’s still here. Dan is even calling himself “Teflon Dan”, convinced he’s in it for the long run. Blech. (Chase in a sidebar: “It’s going to be a tough pill to swallow” if Dan costs us the next competition. Um, maybe you should have thought of that before you voted.)

Next we have Chase, NaOnka and Holly off to the side. Chase: Alina is next. The girls nod enthusiastically, and then conversation come to a complete halt as Chase and Nay realize that Holly still has her bathing suit on backwards and they’re too tired to bring it up.

Cut to the La Flor tribe, right after they’ve crudely sent home Kelly B because she was brazen enough to come on “Survivor” with a metal leg. Marty and Jill confront Sash about the vote. What just happened? Sash at first tries to act like he doesn’t know what they’re talking about, then finally weakly hints that the Idol had something to do with it. Then Sash runs off to look at his reflection in the water.

Marty in a sidebar: Jane is a miserable wretch and she has to go. Then Marty runs to look at his reflection in the water, sees Sash already doing that, gets extremely jealous, and tries to vote Jimmy Johnson out. Oh wait, I might be a little bit confused.

Roll opening credits.

Back to the La Flor tribe, where Marty confronts Jane. Marty: I never lied to you, I never misrepresented you, I never wrote your name down, and I never suggested your name.

Jane: That there was a whole lot of words so I really don’t know what you’re hollerin’ about. But I never had a clue.

Marty: I think you wrote my name down.

Jane just cackles and runs off to the Cornpone Festival on a nearby island.

Marty runs to Jill and shares the conversation he had with Jane. Of course, Marty makes it sound like Tokyo Jane whipped out a machete and tried to hack him to death and he barely escaped with his life, because Marty is all about understatement and subtlety.

Jill in a sidebar: Marty and I are scrambling to stay alive. Hmmm. I wouldn’t call it scrambling. I’d call it both of you sitting around and not networking. Fair?

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Jeff describes the prize as a “Nicaraguan Farm Experience”. (What the hell? Was this an early Jimmy Hendrix band?) Nope, the winning tribe apparently gets to ride horses and then gets to eat breakfast as well as drink milk that they have collected from cows. You can tell by the confused expressions that half the people thought milk came from plastic bottles, not cows.

Anyway, the tribes have to run down this little ramp, leap through the air, throw a ball at a net, then splash into a primitive swimming pool. Trouble is, one person from the other tribe is standing on a platform between you and the net, trying to swat away your efforts. Chase and Fabio are the defenders, and everybody else is hurling. And we’re off.

Some highlights: Marty manages to nail Chase right in the privates, probably because people aren’t paying enough attention to his own testosterone. Danny pathetically stops at the end of the ramp, weakly tosses the ball, and then falls in the water. He misses, but Jeff warns him: It will not count if you don’t jump. Oh, and Fabio pees in the pool, which totally mortifies everyone. (Like they never have, but still, Fabio dude, why did you have to talk about it?)

In the end, Espada wins Reward. Cheering on their part ensues.

In a sidebar, Purple Kelly admits to being confused about how you “milk your own milk”. Those poor cows don’t know what’s coming. Has anyone cleared this with PETA?

Over to the La Flor camp, where we see Jane fishing, alone. While she doesn’t catch anything, she rattles on about “the word quit is not in my vocabulary”, she’s trying to stay in good graces with the youngsters, and they can “lounge around all they want as long as they think I’m important”. We then see several shots of the youngsters lying about the camp, waiting for someone to walk up and hand them food. No one does.

Sash in a sidebar: The old people can feed me all they want, but in the end it’s about how loyal you are to me. (Gee, he’s not arrogant at all, is he? A real saint.)

Cut to the Espada tribe astride horses plodding along some trail. (Chase in a sidebar: “Riding horses reminds me of God.” Oh? Just what church do you go to? Saint McDonald’s?) The tribe eventually rides up to a farm and everybody falls off their horses. (NaOnka’s horse looks especially displeased, so no telling what Nay did to the poor thing on the way over.)

Time to milk the cows, who look especially thin and haggard. (You’d think the casting department would have done a better job. Then again, they aren’t so good at picking out humans, either.) Shots of people tugging and pulling while the cows politely tolerate them.

NaOnka, detailing her unenthusiastic attempt at milk squirting: “I don’t play with animals’ nipples trying to get milk out.” Oh my.

Back to the La Flor camp, where we are treated to a montage of everybody else doing nothing while Jane continues to fish. She eventually snags one, then decides to race into the woods and cook it up for herself. In a very extended monologue, she rambles on about how people don’t give her enough credit, and that she deserves to have this solitary meal. Of course, her vocal delivery is full of garbled, homespun phrases so I don’t really get everything she says. She may have actually been talking about giving birth to triplets for all I know.

More of the Espada tribe at the local farm, where they are dining on fresh cheese and fruits and fixins, while the locals stand around in that confused way the locals always do when the “Survivor” behemoth rolls into a remote town and tells folks to do something authentic and native. Holly starts babbling about how this spread reminds her of home, then she burst into emotional tears, followed by Alina joining the waterworks.

Surprisingly, even NaOnka seems to tear up, showing that she might have a heart that actually beats. (Then she ruins it in a sidebar, bitter about Holly and Alina trying to look like they were bonding: “I can play that game”. She was faking it.) NaOnka’s horse whinnies from the sidelines, indicating that Nay does indeed play, just not in a nice way. The horse then speaks with the ranch foreman about his mental health benefits and a possible medical leave.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains what the tribes will do: Two people stand on a tower, and roll balls down a chute. 4 members of the tribe will pull on ropes to adjust the chute. The goal is to direct the balls so they will break 5 tiles that belong to the other tribe. Winning tribe gets immunity, losing tribe has to stand there and look sad.

Off we go, and it’s really not a contest. Almost immediately, the La Flor tribe starts arguing about how to do things. (If you were to guess that Marty was part of the problem, you’d get a gold star.) Espada easily wins.

Jill in a sidebar: Marty has the Idol, so it’s probably me. Dramatic music ensues, shots of creepy animals doing slithery things in the forest.

La Flor camp.

Marty hangs his Idol on a tree again, just so everybody can remember that he has it. Of course they remember. You haven’t stopped talking about it since you found it.

The youngsters and Jane gather for a confab. Sash spells it out: We vote 3 for Marty (hoping to flush the Idol), 2 for Jill. This will lead to a tie between Jill and whoever Marty and Jill finger. Then they all vote Jill.

Another sidebar with Jane, where she explains that she really, really, really can’t stand Marty and Jill. Wants them gone. Got it.

Back to Sash and Our Gang. Sash: What if I go to Marty, tell him this plan, then counter-offer by asking Marty to give me the Idol, and promise to vote for Jane. Then we actually vote Marty out. Hurray! Everyone’s eyes sparkle at this bit of treachery and deception. Then they all lay back down, because talking is such hard work. Except for Jane. She runs off into a nearby field to build a log cabin.

Brenda and Sash on the beach, positioning themselves so that the fading sunlight emphasizes their pleasing bone structure. Sash: If we play this plan, Jill won’t trust us. Brenda: So?

Fine. So Sash moseys up to Marty, and kicks the plan into gear, using phrases like “look you in the eye man-to-man” and “shake on it”. (Words that, if you’ve ever watched the show, should be total warning signs.) Marty: I’ll just go home next week. Sash: “If we lose Immunity next week, I’ll give the Idol back.” Marty and his hair seem to seriously contemplate this possibility.

Marty in a sidebar: “I feel completely powerless!” (To be fair, you basically always were. You just didn’t want to face the fact.)

Amazingly, Marty gives the Idol to Sash. (Say it with me, folks: Dumb-ass.)

Marty in a sidebar: This might give me another cycle in the game. (So would keeping the Idol and playing it to save yourself. Hello?)

Sash in a sidebar, full of that annoying arrogance: “I don’t even have to dig, people will just hand me Idols.” (Remind anyone of Russell from seasons past? Thought so.)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Fabio: Back-to-back losses. Does this tribe still have momentum?

Fabio has no idea what momentum might be.

Jeff to Jane: The last Tribal was crazy. What was the vibe afterwards?

Jane: We talked, and we know what we need to do. (Then she guts a fish and snacks on it, raw, for the rest of Tribal.)

Jeff to Jane: Do the outsiders in the tribe know who they are?

Jane, using her knife to pick at her teeth, because she‘s so classy: Yes.

Marty: Jane’s a flipper. (I can’t help it, I immediately think of dolphins and cheesy 60’s TV shows.)

Jane: When we became yellow, I became yellow. (That can be taken so many ways.)

Jeff to Marty: Any Idol talk?

Marty praises himself about not playing the Idol the last time and doesn’t really answer the question.

Sash: “The Idol is in my pocket.”

Jeff is astonished. What’s going on here? (Are we seriously supposed to believe that Jeff didn’t already know this? Is it THAT hard to get out of your deluxe trailer and talk to some of your production people?) How do the rest of you feel about Sash having the Idol?

Fabio, hopefully not peeing as he sits there: “WE have the Idol.”

Jeff: We? Do you really? Brenda?

Brenda, looking as if she’s not quite sure what her name might be: “We’re fine.”

Jeff to Sash: “Then give the Idol to Brenda.” (Really? Jeff is feeling pretty frisky.)

Sash: “If someday I don’t trust them… I mean, if they don’t trust me-”

Jeff jumps on this. Jeff to Fabio: Do you know what a Freudian slip is?

Fabio stuns everyone (or at least me) by actually understanding. Sometimes things you want to hide slip out.

Moment of silence while everyone has to reconsider what they might know about Fabio.

Jane breaks the spell: “Any time you give up the Idol, it bites you in the end.”

Time to vote.

2 votes for Jane, 2 votes for Marty, 3 for Jill.

Wow. Really thought Marty was done.

Just what are Sash and Brenda up to? Do they even know?

Roll end credits.