#90 - "Survivor: Samoa" - Episode 7

We start out at the Galu camp, where Erik is hiding in that weird tree of his babbling about good Russell being gone. Dude, you can’t come out of your tree to talk to the camera? You look a little creepy up in there. You might want to discuss this with your agent.

Then all of the Galu guys are huddled together, whining about the fact that it’s now 4 guys and 4 girls left on the tribe. Like this is important in any way. It’s like they’re in some jock frat house. Somebody even utters “Bro’s before Ho’s.” Classy. Then they decide they better get Shambo on their side, so they can have 5 guys again.

Roll opening credits.

Quick visit to the Foa Foa camp, where, amazingly, they all seem to be in good spirits, convinced that they can turn this thing around. But seriously, 5 against 8 at this point in the game are some pretty overwhelming odds. Especially with all of Russell’s lies. That crap comes to light and any trust left in that tribe is gone.

Back to Galu, where Erik is still in that damn tree. He’s thinking the best way to gain Shambo’s undying loyalty is to anoint her as the new tribe leader. He races to the other guys, and they all seem in agreement. He then races to give the news to Shambo, apparently assuming that by being the one to tell her this, she will profess never-ending love and do anything he wishes.

She just looks at him. “Well, we gotta have a vote.”

And vote they do, with the guys shoving everybody into the sleeping hut, and arranging a hand vote that is so fast you really don’t know what happened, but it’s clear that all the guys are voting for Shambo. She easily wins.

(Quick sidebar with Monica, where she’s really suspicious about what’s going on. She should be.)

Shambo, who initially acted like she didn’t really want this (“I didn’t ask for this.”) has a very fast change of heart, and decides to give a long inauguration speech about how her style is different than the now-departed Russell, but one thing is clear: Since she’s a former marine office, she expects things to get done when she says they need to be done. Oh boy.

Sidebar with Dave: “Shambo will screw up our plans if we tell her ANYTHING.”

You got that right, buddy. She’s just visiting this planet. Her own world is all ate-up with the crazy.

Then it’s time for the Reward Challenge, where the winners get to spend a day on a sailboat and eat decent food. Shambo’s already moved into cocky phase as the Galu leader. She wasn’t surprised at all by her election, she’s a natural-born leader. Hoo boy.

So the game play involves matching up items that are hidden under little pyramid things. Get a match, get a point. Or, if you really like the item, you can keep it and use it at your camp, but you don’t get a point. Most points at the end wins.

Galu, as usual, storms ahead. Their first match is a fire-starting kit. When they realize that the kit is wrapped in a tarp, everyone one of the Galu people have a small orgasm and SCREAM that they are keeping this and losing the point. I guess they are still bitter about good Russell letting the first tarp get away, choosing foo-foo pillows over something, you know, actually useful.

But no worries about giving up the point. Galu steamrolls through the competition and easily wins. They get the sailboat and the food. Interestingly, when Shambo has to choose someone from Galu to go to the Foa Foa camp, she picks Laura, which definitely surprised Laura. Then Shambo rubs salt in the wound by saying she “wants to keep the guys strong”.

Translation: Shambo doesn’t care squat about the girls in Galu, apparently thinks them worthless. The Galu girls, of course, are not impressed with this at all.

Cut to the Foa Foa camp and Laura’s arrival. Laura thinks everybody in Foa Foa is really nice. Clearly, she hasn’t been watching the same show that we have.

Bad Russell (“Time to work my Houdini magic!”) almost immediately pulls Laura aside to strike a deal. Laura fesses up to being a Women’s Theology student (what is THAT?), but quickly points out that she doesn’t believe women should be pastors (oh, so she’s one of THOSE).

Russell: “I can always spot a good Christian.” Of course you can, Russell. Just look for anyone who isn’t acting like you, and bingo.

Russell then promises Laura a “final-two” arrangement. Of course he does. Russell has promised EVERYBODY a final-two deal. He’s even approached Jeff Probst during camera breaks.

Before they split up, Russell lies again, telling Laura that she can throw away her clues for the hidden Immunity Idol. Ben found it and didn’t use it, so now it’s gone.

We know that Russell actually has it. And if Laura has any brains, she will remember that if someone has the Idol and does not use it when they get voted out, the Idol is re-buried. Think, Laura, think. Smell out the lie. But we will soon learn that Laura probably did not graduate at the head of her class. If she even went to school.

Cut to the Galu tribe, rowing boats out to this giant pirate ship thing where there is supposedly food. They clamor aboard, and learn that first they have to rig all the sails to get the boat moving. (To me, that sucks. They have to WORK for their food? They already won the damn challenge.)

But the tribe seems fine with it, actually getting all giddy as they race around prepping the ship. Apparently, this is fun. (Me personally, I would just be wanting the food, and would prefer that half-dressed swarthy pirates take care of all that other business.)

Anyway, boat’s finally ready and sails off, and out comes the food. Everyone has been transported to a divine world of endless beef stew and scones. Belching commences.

Back to Foa Foa. In the foreground, Liz is desperately trying to get a fire started, a key thing in their daily lives. Behind her, Laura and Natalie are chattering away, ignoring Liz’s struggles. In this conversation, we learn that Laura rides Harleys for Jesus and loves book-of-the-month clubs based on inspirational sayings. Natalie does too! High-five and a prayer!

Liz runs off to vent her frustrations about it. Sadly, she picks Russell as the direction of her vent. He just looks at her until she goes away.

Then another sidebar rant from Russell. “Liz is so stupid” he doesn’t know how she “can walk without falling down.” And that she has a mouth on her and doesn’t know when to shut up.

Hold up. SHE has a mouth? This coming from the Napoleon-complex that has verbally threatened anyone that he thinks is threatening him. Which means everybody, because he’s got issues.

Time for the Immunity Challenge, this one involving rowing out in boats, fishing for puzzle pieces, then racing back to the beach and putting the puzzle together..

Foa Foa starts off strong, and Liz is kicking butt in fishing for the pieces, finding almost all of them herself, pushing her tribe to the lead. But on the way back, Jaison just physically gives up, and is not helping push the boat back. Foa Foa’s lead dwindles.

While putting the actual puzzle pieces together, Jaison again screws up, not understanding the pattern and killing any lead that Foa Foa had.

Galu wins. Immunity again.

Sidebar with Russell: “Maybe it’s time for Jaison to go?” Ya think? He’s whined since day one and he’s proven multiple times that he crashes and burns during competition. I’m finally agreeing with something Russell is thinking of doing, which makes me feel a little dirty.

Back at the Foa Foa camp, everybody is racing around tending to the camp. Hey, somebody’s going and I need to make sure I look useful and keep-worthy. Except Jaison. He’s lying on the beach, moaning.

Russell actually approaches Liz, and gives the impression that he is now considering Jaison a liability. Which giver her a glimmer of hope, and she works even harder around camp.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff: No use going over the dismal stats, this is one of the worst tribal performances ever, in the history of the show, losing 8 out of 10 competitions. Well, that’s a real morale builder, thanks Jeff.

Jeff then asks Russell his thoughts. Russell wants a merge right now, because “those kids can’t outwit me.” Gee, do you think Russell has any self-esteem issues? Nope. He god. We all stupid.

Jeff chats with the other members of the little tribe, and it amazes me how often the four of them talk about how much trust they have in the tribe. Trust, trust, trust. In a tribe that has Russell. Unbelievable.

Jeff gets Jaison talking. Jaison fully fesses up that he knows he’s been a factor in losing several of the challenges. Jeff: “Would you understand if they evict you?” Jaison: “Yes.”

Okay, people. How much easier can it be? Jaison constantly whines about wanting to go home, he’s costing you challenges, and he is fine if you vote him out.

But what do these idiots do?

They send Liz home. 4-to-1. The one who kicks ass every time in the challenges.

Then you know what, Foa Foa? You deserve to lose. Quit talking about curses and all that crap.

We end with Russell smiling from ear-to-ear as Liz walks away, Mick nodding in agreement.

At the closing credits, we learn that there’s a merge next week.

Which means that Foa Foa failed in yet another important area. They didn’t get Russell out before the merge, and now he’s going to be let loose on all the remaining survivors.

Makes my skin crawl.

#89 - "Survivor: Samoa" - Episode 6

We start out at the Foa Foa camp, where everyone is all wet and shivering because it's been raining for about three years. Lots of whining and teeth chattering, especially from Mick, but ain't NOBODY happy.

Sidebar with Jaison, where he's babbling about some TV show he used to watch, "Captain America", and he never understood back then why the one dude had a heart ring. Now he really wishes he had a ring like that. I have no idea what he was talking about, so it was either very touching or very stupid, you'll have to decide.

Then bad Russell talks Jasion into jumping in the water to "warm up". They waller around a little bit, and Jasion ends up colder than he was. Why is Jaison surprised by that? And what the hell is Russell doing that FOR?

And another inevitable sidebar with Russell, once again boasting that he rules the planet and everybody's his bitch. That man cannot get voted out fast enough.

Opening credits.

Cut go Galu, where good Russell is alone on the beach, fishing. There's weird, slightly spooky music and strange camera angles. Lots of close-ups of Russell's eyes. Very surreal. I'm starting to wonder if I'm even watching the right show.

The rest of Galu is huddled around trees, totally soaked from the rain, trying to stay warm. There's some fussing that Russell should have chosen the tarp during a previous reward challenge instead of blankets and foo-foo pillows, even from the girls that were THRILLED he picked the foo-foo.

More shots of Russell, working very hard in the rain to keep the camp and the fire going, while the rest of his shivering tribe does nothing. This goes on for a while. Seriously, like a third of the show. I'm starting to wonder, do they just not have anything interesting to show us this time? Or is something big about to happen and they are saving up for the money shot?

Cut to Foa Foa, where Mitch is half crammed into the weird tree where Russell found the idol. He claims his odd position is somehow warmer and drier. If that makes him happy, fine, but he looks just as cold and wet as everybody else.

The rest of the tribe is also holed up in various places, just trying to stay dry.

Of course, Russell thinks they are all pansies for doing so. "They lazy!" They should be trying harder. "If you don't throw up every challenge, you didn't give it your all?" Really? So tell me, Russell, why haven't we seen YOU throwing up at the challenges. You got a lotta talk in that short little body.

Back to Galu, where Erik emerges from yet another weird tree, where he apparently has been holed up for 26 hours and praying to every thing that he can think of. He looks around to find that the rain has ended and there's even a rainbow in the sky.

All the others come running out of wherever, thrilled about the rainbow and getting all excited and psyched up. It's gonna be a great day. Yay!

Time for the Reward Challenge, this time for pizza.

Before they start, Jeff tells them that BOTH tribes will be going to tribal tonight, and two people are going home. There will be no Immunity Challenge. The tribe that wins the Reward Challenge will get to eat their pizza while the other tribe votes somebody out. But both tribes are still voting people out.

Okay, time for me to sound off. I think it's complete BS when the producers pull this crap. Forcing a team to go to tribal even though they haven't lost anything or even had a chance to WIN immunity, just because it makes for interesting game play. A team should never go to tribal unless they lose the Immunity Challenge. End of story, no discussion, stop doing it.

Okay, done.

The challenge involves one person strapped into a giant wooden ball, while two blind-folded teammates try to steer the ball based on the directions of the person IN the ball who is flopping around and upside-down half the time. Once they get the ball to a certain point, then the dizzy person has to shout out commands to FOUR blind teammates as they manipulate a ball in a maze on a tilting table.

Fun times, right?

So off we go. It's fairly close the whole way, but Foa Foa does pull ahead a bit near the end. They get their giant ball to the maze first, and start working the tilting table. Galu rolls in shortly after, and it's already clear that something is up with good Russell, who is having more difficulty maneuvering than he should, never mind the blindfold.

Russell then has a very hard time taking his position at the tilting table. You can see from the reactions of both his tribe and the other tribe, that they are slow to catch on to something being VERY not right. Russell finally gets to his corner of the table, and within seconds he collapses face down on the edge of the table, then slides off onto the ground.

Jeff tells everybody to stop what they are doing, stay in place. He calls in medical, and they start their thing. As medical works away, it's clear that this is very serious.

Jeff makes a few decisions. He calls the challenge, there will be no reward, but double tribal is still on. Go back to camp. If Russell is okay, you'll see him then. Everybody, in slight shock, shuffles off.

Then we have a few scenes at the Galu camp where, understandably, everybody is in a daze. They've lost their leader. And they still have to figure out who to send home tonight. Not a happy time in the Galu camp.

Back to Russell with the medical team, and Jeff is still right there. Russell is flat out on the ground while they work him. Eventually they try to get him to sit up, and he passes out again, and for a minute or two they can't get any response out of him. It's very emotional, very scary.

And part of me is thinking, this is too personal, too private. We should not have cameras shoved in this man's face at this time. This is one of those times when I feel a little dirty watching reality TV shows. Just being honest.

Russell finally comes around, and when he seems coherent, Jeff tells him that they've got to pull him from the game. Russell tries to fight this, "I'm just a little dehydrated", but it's so obvious that he can't go on.

And surprisingly, Jeff is very kind to him, telling him that he was a great leader and his tribe was the powerhouse. You did an amazing job, but you've pushed yourself too far, and brother, you gotta go. Then Jeff says he going to shut up now, and walks away.

Russell just lays there, crying, with the damn cameras still in his face.

Tissue?

Over to the Foa Foa camp. Liz is very upset about the double tribal thing. She goes to Natalie, and they both realize it's going to be one of them going home. They'll just write each other's name down and see how it goes.

Then bad Russell goes to Natalie and tells her to put Liz's name down. (Remember, he hates Liz because she rightfully told him he was lying to her. ("She threatened me!") And Natalie is all, dude, we know it's one of us, I'm already writing Liz's name down. Now go back to wherever you munchkins go when the cameras aren't rolling.

Liz goes to Mick and Jaison, making a subtle plea for their vote, but not getting hateful or anything. They don't promise anything either way.

Cut to Galu, where Shambo is trying to sell herself to the Galu girls, and it backfires, especially with Monica. "YOU wrote my name down at tribal. The ONLY one who did." And this is a valid point.

Then we have the Galu guys, trying to make a decision about the vote. They seem in agreement that Shambo "is nothing", not a threat. John is focused on Monica, and wanting to break up the Monica/Laura alliance (that I didn't even know existed, but anyway). John and Erik eventually meet with Shambo, and tell her to vote for Monica.

So we get to tribal.

All 13 remaining people are seated around the campfire, so you already know something is up. These people should be separated so they can do the double eviction.

Jeff tells them that good Russell has been pulled, and that, for him, the incident was the scariest moment in the history of Survivor. (Not sure about that. Other things have been pretty brutal. The guy in Season 2 who fell face forward into the fire, for instance. But I'll see where he's going with this.)

Then Jeff turns the whole tribal discussion into a perspective session. There's really not that much talk of game play, it's more about how do you deal when obstacles come up in your life. Again, this is surprising coming from Jeff, like he's a new "touchy-feely" kind of Jeff. And I kind of like it a little bit.

Then Jeff explains that, due to the unprecedented situation (he's never had to actually stop a challenge before), that there will be no tribal, at all. No one is going home.

Then he asks for their reactions, and things get a little out of hand. Actually, bad Russell gets out of hand (With Mick right behind him, but not as bad.) Russell slams the other tribe, and goes off about how they are going to kick their butts.

It's just not the right time for that, ya dumb asses. Can you not see that people on the Galu tribe started crying when they heard about Russell? Save your alpha-male crap for another time.

Erik, on Galu, is none too happy, and lashes out, even though he's fighting back tears. He was very eloquent. Good Russell worked very hard, and "every bead of sweat" he put out is with them, they will remember him, and they will win this.

Mick on Foa Foa: "Bring it." Now he's off my list as well. You and bad Russell should have kept your mouths shut, let the day be the day, and just go home. Let the game start back up tomorrow. A man could have died, you idiots, respect that.

Jeff then sends Foa Foa home without any remarks. He then sends Galu out with a wish of "Good Luck".

As the closing credits roll, we get some words from good Russell: "To do it and fail, is better than to never try" and he's thrilled to be getting back to "the job that I love: being a loving husband to my wife and father to my child."

Sniff.

So folks, I wasn't able to poke a lot of fun this time around. Just didn't seem right.

Peace.

#88 - "Survivor: Samoa" - Episode 5

So the glum little Galu tribe is heading back to camp, with Shambo's hair leading the way in the darkness, after Yasmine's eviction. Sham's feeling a little blue, since she didn't know the tribe was voting for Yasmine and she's the only one who voted for Monica. So how does Sham deal with it and try to get back in swing with the tribe? She goes to bed.

Shambo, honey, we've talked about this. Even if you can't stand anybody in your tribe, you've got to pretend that you like them and fake all the bonding crap, even if it makes you throw up a little.

So, of course, we have a scene on the beach with the Galu tribe members who are not so sleepy. They're not really keen on Shambo, especially Monica. "She's my next choice."

Roll opening credits.

We're still at Galu, and we have scenes of Erik "washing" himself by scrubbing down with sand, and then he gets knocked over by a giant wave when he tries to rinse off. I have no idea why they showed this scene.

Cut to Foa Foa, where they are reading new tree mail. The next reward challenge is a food challenge, which means they will be eating nasty crap that the producers can find lying or swimming around. Ashley's all gung ho about it. "I'll try anything once." I'm sure she has.

Then we have Liz working bad Russell, telling him that Ashley will fail. My immediate thoughts are that Liz herself is worried about failing and trying to divert attention. After all, Ashley has piercings, Liz does not. This says a lot about people, seriously.

Russell is not happy with Liz's move, racing to tell Jaison and Mick about it. Once again, Russell is irked that someone else in the game is trying to play strategy, so he's trying to slam Liz just because she refuses to be a total sheep. This guy is just messed up.

So we get to the Reward Challenge, and yep, Jeff is going to make "Samoa Smoothies" out of nasty-looking creatures from the sea. One member from each tribe does this little roulette thing, and then Jeff mixes up the ingredients based on where the ball lands.

In a change from previous disgusting-food competitions, you don't have to be the first to finish your nastiness to get a point, you just have to finish your drink period. Which means the only way a tribe loses is if someone refuses to finish. Making you a huge target. Not sure if I care about this angle.

Anyway, Shambo and Jaison are the first up, and Sham slams down her concoction in about three seconds. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since Shambo does look like a person who has eaten a lot of things that nobody else would. She's that kind of girl. Jaison finally finishes as well.

So we go through several rounds, with a member from both sides managing to do their duty. Until we get to the round with Dave (Galu) and Ashley (Foa Foa). Dave sucks his down almost as fast as Shambo, although he does pause to provide us with some very pleasant retching noises along the way.

But Ashely? Girl is in trouble, which did surprise me. She jacks around for a while, but finally cannot do it, throwing back into her glass a leftover that looks about the size of sugar cube. Oh, come on. You had it down to THAT and you're going to call it quits. Not a good move, Ashley.

So Galu automatically wins Reward, which is a nice spread of fixins for a barbecue.

Now, in the other twist that I don't really care for this season, Russell, as leader of the winning Galu tribe, has to send someone from Galu to live with Foa Foa, meaning they miss out on the reward, in this case the barbecue. Amazingly, he picks Shambo, the girl who gulped her drink down so fast I'm sure she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch in three seconds.

And Shambo is NONE too happy. She argues with him (have we seen THAT before?), but he sticks to his choice, and she stomps off to join Foa Foa. Guess the girl ain't gettin no meat.

And Sham continues her stomping all the way to the Foa Foa camp. Once there, she goes off (again) on the Galu tribe. Can't stand them. At least with this tribe, "there are no hidden agendas here." (What the hell? Quick reaction shot of bad Russell about to wet himself.)

Quick sidebar with Mick mad about Ashley losing the challenge.

Longer scene with Natalie and Ashley in skimpy bathing suits on the beach, with Natalie trying to keep Ashley's spirits up while the waves caress their tawny bodies. With the way they were hugging and patting on each other, I was half-expecting a lesbian love scene while tropical birds chattered in the background. (Not that there's anything wrong with it, that's just where my mind went.) But we didn't go there.

Back at Galu, semi-good Russell tells the rest of the tribe that he sent Shambo because she lost the chicken. (But she helped you win the competition and she's already been once.) She had to suffer the consequences. (But she helped you win the competition and she's already been once.). The rest of the tribe just looks at him like, dude, YOU'RE the one that sent her, and you're the one who will have to deal with her when she gets back. Not my bad.

As for the barbecue, Russell is unable to start a fire in order to cook the meat, spending a lot of time getting nowhere. Dave, because he does have a little bit of an attitude, but also because Russell doesn't know what he's doing, makes a slightly derogatory comment about Russell's fire-starting abilities.

This turns into an extended scene with both of them playing the man-card and taking verbal swipes at each other. It's just stupid. Both of them are just being jerks, Dave more so at the end. Can we just cook the meat already? Geez.

Dave finally steps in and has to start the fire. In about two seconds.

Cut back to Foa Foa, where the steamed Shambo has decided to share ALL the clues about the Immunity Idol with the whole Foa Foa tribe. (Girl is really crazy and not thinking right, why would you help other people find the Idol, but in her defense, maybe one of these Foa Foa people might just remember this action and help her out at a critical moment. Or not.)

So once again, Shambo, in front of everybody again, burrows her way into that damn tree where the Idol SHOULD be, but of course it's not because Russell already found it.

And interestingly, in a sidebar, Liz reveals that she thinks Russell has it. And then she goes to confront him about it. "I think you're lying to me." (Oh gawd.) And, as we now expect from bad Russell, he goes off about being threatened. "You wanna be the one to go next? You're walkin on thin ice." Blah blah blah. Same crap. Just WHAT happened to this man that he thinks everyone is threatening him? Seriously, what?

And during the whole scene, he's wearing some horrid plaid capri pants that would make even a loving mother disown their child.

Cut to Galu, where it's pouring down rain. Buckets. Everyone is soaked. And the girls who so badly wanted the foo-foo pillows instead of the tarp are regretting their decision. (Ya think? Always choose the tarp first. Always.)

Then Dave goes to get fresh tree mail, although he nearly dies in the process because everything is flooded and he basically has to swing to the tree mail tree on a vine.

Tree mail says: Time for the Immunity Challenge.

So off we go, with everybody shivering in the rain. Jeff tells Shambo and her hair that she can rejoin her Galu tribe. When she does so, only one member actually greets and hugs her. The rest just stand there.

Jeff can't resist this, and points it out to the rest of the Galu tribe. Monica: "It's just a game, it's raining, and we're all trying to stay warm." Hmm. Shambo ain't gettin no lovin.

So the challenge involves members of one tribe throwing coconuts into hanging baskets connected to a rope held by members of the other tribe, two on each tribe holding a basket. The rest of the folks try to get coconuts into the opposing tribe's baskets.

This doesn't take very long. Galu is on fire, hurling coconuts into baskets like their asses are on fire. Foa Foa Russell goes down first (hurray, can't stand him). Foa Foa Liz holds out much longer, REALLY giving it an effort. But eventually she drops as well.

Galu wins Immunity.

So we're back at the Foa Foa camp, where folks have to decide who's going home. Trouble is, it's still pouring down rain, and it's cold. Everyone is huddled in the little tent. There's no option to race off into the juggle with one or two cohorts and plot strategy.

Bad Russell asks: "Are there any volunteers?" Liz immediately screams "Not me!" The rest just kind of sit there, saturated. Ashley then offers: we either all talk it out right here, or we decide everyone is going to make their own decision and we all take our bags to tribal. Apparently it's Plan B, as it seems no one is interested in revealing any alliances.

Sidebar with Jaison: He's still whining and complaining about being out here and hating it. Then dude, go home. Tell people that's what you want.

Sidebar with Russell: Still whining and complaining about Liz "threatening" him, but he does admit that Liz is stronger than Ashley. Then shut UP already.

We get to tribal.

Jeff asks Jaison if this is the hardest thing he's ever done. Yes, it is. Horrible. Perfect opportunity for him to say that he's ready to go. But he doesn't. Which means even more sidebars with him in the future where he's a titty baby.

Jeff asks Russell if the voting is starting to change, with people going for trust over who can physically win challenges. Russell: "Trust is like gold in this game." Oh please. YOU said that?

Jeff asks Ashley who SHE trusts. She briefly mentions Natalie, then gushes over Russell, looking at him as if she's prepared to wash his feet with her hair. Blech.

Jeff back to Russell: What do you think about the vote being so up in the air?

Russell: "I don't think it's up in the air."

Hmmm. So it's a slam-dunk on somebody, despite the supposed inability to talk strategy when they were all crammed together in the rain

Turns out, the slam-dunk is Ashley. She gone, 6 to 1. Even her buddy Natalie said bye-bye.

Moral of the story: If the competition involves Samoa Shakes, and all you've got left is a tiny piece of nasty something, then you choke down that bitch pronto instead of throwing it back at Jeff and then running to barf in the shrubbery.

Just sayin.

#87 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 22

We start out with Bobby at South Fork, preparing to leave for Washington, when Cliff suddenly shows up. He’s got Lisa with him, of all people. She just wants to say goodbye to Christopher. Bobby gets all angry at first, but then he gives in, because that’s what Bobby is good at. So Lisa has a tear-filled moment with Christopher (“… if you ever need a friend…”) that I totally didn’t buy.

Casey meets with JR and fesses up about meeting Kimberly, spilling that Kim wants his proxy vote, with her not knowing that he doesn’t actually own the stock. Is JR mad? Hell, no, meet her again, get the scoop. And by the way, don’t be seen in public with Sly anymore. Have a good day!

Quick scene with Nicholas still at his parents’ hide-away house, trying to convince them to change their minds and move to another safe house. Nope, not interested.

Clay calls Ellie, checking up and being all excited about picking her up from the airport soon. Actually, says Miss Ellie, I think I’m going to see Lucy in Atlanta for a bit. In other words, Clay, you are still in the doghouse and will remain there until I decide to let you out, even though you have no idea why you are in the doghouse.

Jenna confronts Charlie about the bad report card where she forged Jenna’s signature and other assorted little lies. Charlie tries to explain, but Jenna is not hip to that. (“I don’t wanna hear one more story out of you!”) And by the way, Randy is out of your life, and if you ever lie again, “the result is going to be very unpleasant!” Unpleasant? What does that mean, Jenna? Will you force her to get a haircut just like yours?

Sue Ellen and JR, with him being all cranky and trying to push Sue Ellen toward a divorce. They spar for a bit, with Linda Gary looking radiant, and she makes it very clear to him that she knows exactly what he’s up to. But she has other plans. “If I don’t give you a divorce, you’re never gonna get that company!” Then she smiles.

April gets a call from Nick, “I’ll explain everything when I get back tomorrow.” Click. Then April innocently checks the phone messages on her machine at home. There’s a threatening call from JR. (No surprise.) A boring call from Bobby. Then a creepy voice saying “we found your file on Lombardi.” Okay, looks like April is going to be running from people in a dark parking lot very soon.

Bobby arrives in Washington, and meets Kaye of the now-released hair, just before some cocktail party involving senators and the Ewing Oil name thing. I don’t really get all of the details, because she’s got a huge, hideous bow on her dress and I can’t focus.

Laurel and Brett the Ex are somewhere eating, and she’s trying to explain why their relationship didn’t work. He was smothering her with his jealousy and all that. He’s not listening. He’s flying back to England tomorrow and wants her to come with him. When she balks, he snaps “don’t turn your back on your own kind.” The snooty British thing. She’s not impressed. “Stop it, or I’m leaving.”

Back to the senator gig in Washington, where everyone has conveniently already gone home. Bobby and Kaye flirt and get all mushy. Love is apparently blossoming.

Nick shows up at April’s hotel room. He’s not really happy with her. “You let the toothpaste out of the tube, and it doesn’t wanna go back in.” (Yes, he actually said that, I rewound to make sure. I’m pretty sure the Dallas writers never got an Emmy.)

Anyway, Nick tells April to just go back to her condo, they don’t want her, they want him. But if they do show up, “don’t play games, give ‘em my name and my number.” When she tries to protest, he gets all “Raging Bull” on her. “This is MY business.”

David meets up with Clayton, and tells him that he’s leaving Dallas. (Yay! We don’t like you.) But there’s one more thing. David wants 50,000 dollars from Clay. (What!) Clay: “I don’t want any more of your paintings. Oh, David’s not talking about that. He wants it as hush money or he’ll run tell Ellie. Clayton is instantly on his feet and bum-rushing the jerk. “You’re a stupid young man. If I ever hear of you approaching Ellie, you won’t live to see the next day.” Clayton got game.

Kimberly meets with her dad, telling him that his “fight with JR frightens me”. Daddy’s not scared. Kim: “It’s not worth your life!” Daddy: “Life isn’t worth anything if you’re not willing to live it.” That’s very nice, Dad, but we’re talking about JR here, who will do anything to get what he wants, especially when Miss Ellie is out of town.

JR shows up at April’s condo. She tries to be strong at first: “What do YOU want?” JR: “Sell Westar.” April: “Nope.” And by the way, I told Bobby about the boinking. So there. Well, that sets JR off, and there’s a huge fight where he’s really mean, ending with her screaming “Okay! I’ll sell!”

Poor April. She’s just not having any fun lately.

Clayton meets with Laurel, and spills about David trying to blackmail him. She seems genuinely shocked, but also not surprised. Clay: “I just want to make sure you’re not involved.” Hmm. Is she?

Sue Ellen is in her office and gets a call from Nick. She’s instantly horny. They flirt a bit and he promises to meet her later in the office. Then Kimberly marches in.

Sue Ellen: “What a joy!” Kim: “I don’t understand how you can stay with him after finding him with another woman. I could never do that.” Sue Ellen: “Of course you could, don’t put yourself down.” Kim: “I want to know when you’re getting out.” Sue Ellen, smiling: “I’m going to stay married to JR until the end of time so he can’t have you and he can’t have Westar.”

Linda Gray is a goddess.

Cliff rushes into JR’s office. “Westar stock is falling!” JR’s not worried. Cliff: “I’m gonna sell mine!” JR: “If I don’t have your proxies, then it’s goodbye pipeline. I’ll cut you off.” Cliff looks all sad and rejected. Dude, you knowingly slept with the devil. Did you think there would be puppies and rainbows?

Bobby meets with April, he’s thought about what she said, and even though it was fun, he’s ending the relationship. April thinks it’s the slap and tickle with JR. Actually, no, Bobby can understand the JR thing. Really? April: “So it’s ME you don’t want.”

Do the script writers just hate April? Did she do something to them?

Back to Sue Ellen’s office, where Nick has just arrived. Sue Ellen is all excited and feeling free. She’s going to do whatever she wants, screw JR. But Nick cuts the party short: It’s not good timing, personal problems, need to be invisible, can’t see you for a while, or call you, you have to trust me, be in touch as soon as I can, blah, blah, blah. Okay, bye.

Guess Sue Ellen washed her hair for no reason.

Cut to Ray and Jenna’s mansion late at night, where Charlie is doing a bad job of sneaking out of the house. Trying to use the front door, no less. Ray catches her. “Where are you going?” Jenna races down the stairs. “We need to talk!” Then they all glare at each other.

Final scene, April, looking really haggard after a long day where everybody keeps yelling at her or saying they don’t want her, is straggling up to her condo. And here come the gangsters that we’ve been expecting all the time, rushing up and grabbing her.

Girl just can’t get a break.

#86 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 21

So we start out at South Fork, where Bobby confronts JR about his involvement with the Lisa thing. JR does his usual snarky "not really my fault" thing, which enrages Bobby and we get lots of yelling. Suddenly, Miss Ellie barges in and tells both of them to break it up or "you're off this ranch!". Wow. Miss Ellie talking all street. Maybe she's still hung-over?

Then we have Bobby arriving at Cliff's, letting him know that Lisa is back in town. Cliff: "What?" Bobby: "She's been working for JR." Cliff discreetly gulps, he's been working for JR as well. Hell, who ISN'T working for JR at this point?) Cliff: "I'll do anything to help."

April, having a spiralling paranoia moment in her condo. The newspaper says that Larry Doyle's been murdered! She discovers that her Lombardi file is missing! She calls Nick! I have to see you!

Ellie and Mavis again, eating something at yet another restaurant. Ellie fesses about being worried that Clayton is having an affair, offering up skimpy evidence to support this. (They were standing in the same ROOM!) Mavis counters this with her own revelation that Punk had an affair (really? with whom? Helen Keller?), but that she just put up with it until it ended, because she didn't want to lose him. Ellie, face all crinkly, is not sure she can be that complacent.

JR is meeting with Harry, his evil little henchman. "We have got to find Lisa!" (She's wearing a big, ugly hat, people, work with that.) As Harry rushes off to do this, Kimberly marches in, pissed. "If you gain control of Westar without me, will you still want me?" (Um, he never wanted you to begin with, but anyway.) JR smoothly lies his way out of it, and then there's some yucky fake passionate kissing.

Laurel is meeting with David, her artist friend (and recipient of Clays' loan). He's trying to convince Laurel to keep the "relationship" with Clay going, because he's rich. Laurel: "What an awful thing to say." On cue, Laurel's mysterious "ex" from England walks up. David then runs off to let Laurel deal with it, because he's such a classy guy.

Brett, the ex, still wants Laurel back, he has so much he can offer. Laurel: "You're offering me a beautiful prison." Really? Just WHAT happened back in the UK? That sounds so much more intriguing than learning that Punk Anderson had sex with his secretary.

Cut to Ray and Jenna's House of Denial. Jenna is all pouty, having found Charlie's report card, and the grades suck. "She's always been a straight-A student." (Um, we've seen her go to school ONCE in the last 80 seasons. We'll have to take your word for it.)

Ray: "This has happened since our marriage!" Jenna: "I think she's testing us!" Ray: "She's trying to tear us apart! Maybe we should send her to a private school!" (Sure, that's going to help things, when Charlie doesn't have Brad Pitt to carry her books.) Jenna: "Don't you think that's a little drastic?" Then Jenna looks in a mirror to confirm that her hair is still unnaturally straight.

Nick and April pull up alongside each other in separate cars in a dark and mysterious parking lot. April starts babbling away about her investigation into Nick's possible past, it was just a "lark", and now people are dead and everything. Nick: "What are you not telling me?" April: "The file's missing. They know about your father." Nick: "I'm so tempted to hit you right now." Very manly response, right?

April: "Why do they want from you?" Nick: "Don't go home, go to a hotel and stay there until you hear from me." Then he squeals out of the parking lot. April starts violently crying, looking like a forlorn poodle that's not getting any wet food tonight.

Sue Ellen, Bobby, and JR at South Fork, with Sue breaking the news that Ellie has suddenly left on vacation. Clayton walks in. JR is bitchy to him about Ellie leaving. Clay tells him to shut up. (You GO!) Then Bobby is bitchy about JR and the Lisa thing.. Then they all just glare at each other with hate-filled eyes.

Quick shot of Miss Ellie, wandering around and looking pale and tragic on a beach, with screaming birds flying all around. Where did you take this vacation, Miss E? Hitchcock Land?

Clay's in his office, and David the sleazy artist arrives. He's painted another portrait of Laurel, and he wants Clay to buy that one too, because he needs the money. This guy is just a jerk. Yet amazingly, Clay writes him another check. As the jerk leaves, he spouts "I promise that your wife will never hear anything about Laurel from me."

Clay, just have him killed, it will save you heartache and money in the end. Laurel won't mind, seriously.

Nick is arriving at a house in somewhere that is clearly not Dallas, and inside the house we learn that his daddy is NOT dead. Neither is his momma, and they fawn over him like he's biblical. Nick warns dad that "they will find you". Dad: "We're not moving again. We're ready to face this." Nick doesn't care for that option. "We'll have to do this the OTHER way?"

Other way? What? Actually, I really don't care. Next.

Sly tells JR that she "has to talk", and fesses up about her budding relationship with Casey. JR's not bothered at all. "I'd pick your brain, too. It's alright. Casey never stops trying." JR never worries about guest stars getting the better of him. He knows he's coming back next week.

Then we see Casey meeting with Kimberly, which is a nice surprise and perks up the story line a bit. She called HIM. She wants to talk about JR, the Westar takeover, and lining up the stockholder votes to get what she wants. Interested? Casey: "Depends on the benefits." Kimberly smiles slyly. How about a position with the company?

Wouldn't THAT be a hoot? Kimberly causes JR to lose his Westar bid, and he has to watch Casey run the company. I'd drink a beer to that.

So it's time for Christopher's custody trial.

First we deal with Lisa, who's all "I am Christopher's real family" and such. Bobby's lawyer makes her fess up that JR was paying all her expenses, and he's a bad guy. Lisa: "I didn't care." Lawyer: "Hasn't this been blackmail from the beginning?"

Hell, it's been blackmail since the beginning of the series, but anyway.

Then we have Sue Ellen, with some truly horrifying hair, testifying. She had believed that JR was the father of Christopher, and "it was a cloud on our marriage for a long time." ONE cloud, sweetie. One of many. Then we have lots of flashbacks, and in one of them she tells Bobby that JR is the daddy.

So Bobby takes the stand and fills in the rest. Jeff Faraday contacted him, wanting hush money, this went on for a while, and finally Bobby just bought the baby. Oh, and it was Jeff's baby after all. Kristen miscarried JR's baby. (And apparently got pregnant again within a few hours to make the timeline work out.)

Interesting side note: Ray and Jenna are watching in the courtroom. Remember, in the first few seasons, Ray slept with everybody. I'm sure he was sweating just a wee bit. Christopher could be HIS baby.

Final scene, with just Bobby, Lisa and Christopher in the Judge's chambers. The judge asks Chris what HE wants to do. And Christopher really sells it about loving his daddy and wanting to be with him. Very touching. So of course, Lisa: "I'll drop the case."

Great. That story thread has been wrapped up. Now, can we travel to England and find out what weird thing Brett did to make Laurel flee the country and hook up with the sleazy artist guy and then make friends with Clayton so that Miss Ellie can get all neurotic and roll around on a beach with angry birds? I'd appreciate that.

#85 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 20

So we start out in the breakfast room at South Fork, with JR being mean to Teresa the maid. Then Sue Ellen wanders down and is mean to JR. Miss Ellie totters up, and is all unfocused because she’s worried about what Clayton is up to. Then Bobby comes in. (Are these people lined up outside the door? What is going on?) Bitchy things are said, and then they all leave.

Once again, no one has touched a morsel of the breakfast food that Teresa has lovingly prepared.

Cut to Ray and Jenna’s house, where Charlie has taken mom’s advice, and she apologizes for being a lying slut. Ray grudgingly accepts, and they all decide to start fresh with a clean slate, including letting Charlie see Randy. Hurray! Charlie gets to snuggle with Brad Pitt some more.

Ellie meets Mavis at lunch to discuss more boring details involving charity hospital beds. Ellie is still unfocused, paying no attention. Mavis tries to pry, but Ellie brushes her off, forlornly announcing there’s “something I have to do.” What? Find some real dialogue?

Quick scene with Clay and Laurel at his office. Nothing important, but we have to establish that the two ARE indeed at his office, otherwise a later scene just won’t work.

Sue Ellen and Nick traipse into Cliff’s office, wanting to talk about why Cliff is basically helping JR take over Westar, buying all that stock and such. Cliff, clearly having not watched the last several seasons, offers Sue Ellen a drink. Then he fesses up that JR is basically blackmailing him (that whole easement mess where Sly dressed up like a country tart and rode a porch railing.) Sue Ellen is not happy to hear about this.

Scene with JR and Kimberly. He continues to waffle about how long it will take to get Sue Ellen out of the house, and she continues showing her displeasure about his tardiness, tossing out the line “maybe you’re not worth waiting for.”

Cut back to Clayton’s office, with he and Laurel parading out the front door of the building. He’s being a little cozy, with his arm around her as they walk, but it’s really nothing. Of course, Miss Ellie spies them from afar, scrunches up her face and starts to tremble.

Bobby jets to Washington to meet with a couple of the senators who might be able to help him get the Ewing Oil name back. They are a little stodgy at first, but the second that he offers to make campaign contributions, everybody’s best friends.

During the discussion, there’s a senator’s aide with her hair tightly pulled up in a menacing bun on her head. It obviously doesn’t go with the rest of her couture, so she know that nest is coming down soon. Sure enough, at the end of the meeting, she offers to take him to the airport, and we all know what that means.

Sue Ellen arrives at South Fork, and the ugly Ewing grandkids, John Ross and Christopher, are nearly bursting with the exciting news that Miss Ellie is drunk. (Really?) Sue Ellen goes to Miss Ellie’s room, and there she is, sprawled across the bed and looking haggard.

Sue Ellen: “Wanna talk?” Ellie: “Let’s talk about disappointment. You know a lot about that.” Ellie swigs down some more of whatever. Sue Ellen: “Are you mad at me?” Ellie: “Nope. I just want the world to go away.”

Miss Ellie rambles some more, either forgetting her lines or doing some method-acting, because most of it doesn’t make any sense. Then she drunkenly screams at Sue Ellen to just get OUT, then grabs another bottle. Throughout the whole scene, I’m wondering if Linda Gray and Barbara Bel accidentally picked up each other’s script.

Back to Bobby and the Senator’s aide (“Kaye?”), in the back of a limo. Her wares are clearly up for grabs, but Bobby’s got other things to worry about.

Quick scene with JR telling Sly to sell all her Westar stock, then he marches out of the room to go confuse somebody else. Sly, as usual, looks pensive for a moment, then she gets that look which means, well, if JR said to do it, it must be God’s work, and off she goes.

Next day, Clay tries chatting with a hung-over Miss Ellie, hoping for details. In response to his asking why she would drink alone, she yells “There was nobody here to drink WITH!” (Nobody to drink with at South Fork? Did you not leave your room? And I’m sure Teresa would have appreciated a nip or two.) But she doesn’t tell Clay what is really on her mind.

Clay and Laurel at a showing for her artist friend. When she wanders off to study a really ugly piece of sculpture, the artist hits Clay up for a loan. And Clay gives it to him. This makes no sense, so something must be in the works for a later episode.

Ray and Jenna’s house, where they are spelling out the new “dating rules” to Charlie and Randy. Both kids promise to be on their best behavior, swearing and all that, so you know it’s only a matter of time before there’s a big mess of trouble. And the whole scene I’m thinking, wow, Brad Pitt has really grown as an actor. Based on his work here, I’m surprised we ever saw him again.

April asks Bobby to stop by her condo, where she goes into a long, rambling g speech about when she first arrived in Dallas, hungry for power, and “I was gonna do anything. She fesses up to Bobby about bumping uglies with JR the one time. Now he’s blackmailing her with this Westar thing, and she’s had it. “Now you know everything.” Bobby is very, very quiet.

Then Bobby is suddenly back at his office (the magic of TV!), and Ray comes through the door. It’s a little tense at first, but Ray apologizes for his harsh words when Bobby tried to stand up for Charlie, and next thing you know they’re best buddies again.

April arrives at her condo after what looks like a day of pointless shopping, to find that the police are there and her condo has been trashed. A detective asks her “You know of anything that might be missing?” (She’s been there approximately 5 seconds, how could she know?) Detective: “Anybody after you?” April: “Uhh…” Detective: “I see. Well, let us know if you think of anything. Boys, let’s go.” And the whole squad races out the door.

Miss Ellie gets a call from Clayton. He’s going to be out of town on business, gone for a few days, he’ll let her know. Ellie hangs up, bursts into tears, and screams “Damn you Clayton!” Honey, isn’t there a nice doctor you can call for some cute little pills? Because you need them.

At South Fork, Bobby gets a call from one of his lawyer guys, Paul. Seems Lisa is back in town, and a custody hearing for Christopher is on for next week. Bobby is appropriately surprised and confused, probably trying to remember who Lisa is, because this episode’s script had a lot of pages, what with Miss Ellie getting drunk and all.

Finally, we have JR meeting with Kimberly’s dad, waffling once more about how long it will be before he can marry darling Kimberly. Then JR tries a different approach, telling Daddy that maybe “you’ll have to separate Kimberly from my running Westar.”

This does not sit well with Daddy. JR marries Kimberly or there’s no company for JR to run. So JR brings up the fact that Westar stock is falling (because he had Sly sell her shares), and actually threatens Daddy by implying that he can do even more damage.

Daddy: “Bring it on.”

#84 - "Survivor: Samoa" - Episode 4

We’re back at the Foa Foa camp right after Tribal. No one is really in a good mood, of course, but Jaison is really whining. He’s cold and he’s tired and he’s hungry. “Coming here was the worst decision of my life.”

Uh, it’s barely been two weeks. Suck it up, guy.

Next morning, Jaison and Russell are walking on the beach. Jaison is still moaning and complaining. Russell tries to get him focused, but he’s not liking how Jaison is acting.

Then we have what’s now become an obligatory sidebar, with Russell showing his ass and proving that he’s a worthless human being. “Whoever I want to be gone, is gone!”

Sure they are. Just like you wanted Ashley to go home at the last tribal. Oh wait. BEN went home instead. You’re just an ass, Russell.

Roll opening credits.

We’re now at Galu. Shambo is still hatin on her tribe because she thinks they’re all lazy and she’s doing all the work. So she makes sure to play if off like she had the best time while she was at Foa Foa. Those people were happy to have her and they love them some Shambo.

Shambo in a sidebar: “I already have a following with Foa Foa.” A following? Aren’t you being just a little bit delusional there, Big Hair? Yes, several of them thought you were pretty nifty with camp work, but I seriously doubt they will be building a shrine in your honor any time soon.

Erik pulls Shambo off to the side. He thinks that there is an Immunity Idol at both camps, and that the clues Shambo now has apply to both camps. So spill. Right then, John wakes up from one of his naps and wanders over. Amazingly, Shambo gives both of them the clues, without any hand-shaking or protection agreements.

Stupid move.

Time for tree mail, and the leader of both tribes has to pick two players to go with him on a special mission. Mick, Russell H (the bad one) and Natalie head off for Foa Foa. Russell S (basically the good Russell, but not so much anymore, keep reading.), Shambo and Dave head out for Galu.

They follow directions and find themselves waiting in a giant circle drawn in the sand of a beach. Where’s Jeff? Nowhere to be found. They look around. There’s some chickens in a wooden cage (possible Reward Challenge) and a chest on the beach with them.

Still no Jeff. Right about the time I’m thinking “well, hell, somebody grab the chickens and the chest and make a break for it,” they do just that. Shambo and Natalie snatch up the three chickens and are about to head for the hills, when Dave gets the chest open and finds instructions and some bocce balls. Dang. It’s a competition after all.

They have to shove a stick into the middle of the circle, and then each of them chunks the balls at the stick. Closest team ball to the stick, that team gets the chickens. Very simple.

So they start playing, and actually, no one is really bad at it. Foa Foa is doing slightly better, and toward the end, Russell H’s ball is the one to beat. (Which doesn’t please me. I mean, I’m all for people having things to eat, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t want Russell H to win anything. Ever.) Amazingly, on the very last throw, Dave knocks one of the team balls closer to the stick. Galu wins. Again.

Meanwhile, back at Galu, Erik is trying to find the idol based on Shambo’s clues. He sends a few of the girls off to do some pointless fruit-gathering, then ensures that the rest of the camp are either sleeping (John and Yasmine, naturally) or distracted in some other way.

Erik pokes around in the trees for a bit. (We get a quick cut scene showing that John is not actually sleeping, but appears to be spying on Erik.) Not sure how much John sees, but a short bit later Erik finds the dang idol. He then races down the beach to hide it somewhere.

Okay, I think this is a first. A member on both tribes have found an immunity idol without ever “officially” receiving any clues. How whacked is that?

Russell, Shambo and Dave arrive shortly, sporting the chicken coop with the little squawkers inside. Everyone thinks this is pretty nifty. Yay! Russell appoints Shambo to be the Keeper of the Chickens. She’s very pleased with this responsibility. (“They will give me eggs, because I will be kind to them.”)

Back at Foa Foa, Jasion is still whining.

Russell H is no longer keen on an alliance with Jaison, and decides that he’s going to team up with Natalie instead. (“She’s too stupid to beat me, and I can claim that she road my coattails the whole way.” He’s such a nice guy.) So he tracks down Natalie and promises Final Two, just like he’s done with…. Oh, just about everybody else at some point.

Natalie, in a sidebar, reveals that she’s perfectly aware that people think she’s a little slow, and she plans on using that to her advantage. Interesting.

Back at Galu, some of the guys are eyeing the chickens hungrily, thinking, screw the protein in the eggs every morning, we want us some hot wings. Just then, Shambo, diddling around with the chicken coop, manages to let one of them escape.

So the Great Chicken Race is on. Mostly it’s Erik and Shambo racing all over the island after the chicken, although the other tribe members do help out for a bit. But then the other tribe members get bored and don’t care. (And I’m thinking, people, this is Survivor. There just might come a point when you need that third chicken very, very badly.)

Then we have a scene where Yasmine just lays there and watches Kelly working really hard to open some coconuts, waiting for her to finish up so she can move in for some milk. This greatly irks Kelly, and she races off to some of the others. A bitchfest ensues where we learn that quite a few people don’t care for Yasmine and the fact that she does nothing around camp. Hmm.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one involves the teams racing around an obstacle course and stacking blocks into towers that have to stand on their own while Jeff counts dramatically. There is a point where Monica, on the Galu tribe, has some trouble doing a rope walk. (The camera lingers a bit on this, and we know right away it’s going to soon be a subject of discussion.)

But otherwise, the teams are very close, and it’s pretty tense. In the end, Foa Foa finally wins an Immunity Challenge. I actually always like it when an underdog tribe finally wins, even if they are not my favorite tribe. It’s just nice to see beaten down people get a break. Then again, Russell H is on that underdog tribe, and as you know, he and I are not friends.

Back at the Galu camp, Russell S makes a beeline for Erik, making it very clear that Monica screwed up the win for them, and he wants her out. Erik seems to be in agreement.

On the other side of camp, Dave and several others are discussing a different strategy. Dave’s a little put out with Shambo (she let the damn chicken out, and she’s pretty bossy and full of herself), but the group is more focused on Yasmine. She does NOTHING.

Then another scene with Shambo racing to tell Yasmine that Monica is the target. Yasmine is all fired up about this and completely agreeing. (“I’m here to play and I did just that.”) You did?

Okay, time for an editorial break. There are some Survivor fans that think as long as you bust your ass during challenges, then you are golden. (And Yasmine does carry her load in that respect.) But I don’t go along with that. If you lay around camp and do nothing until a challenge comes up, what good are you? You are supposed to play Survivor 24X7, working and socializing and bonding with your team. Survivor is not about running really hard for 10 minutes during a competition, and then relaxing for three days.

End soapbox.

Erik runs to Russell S that there are some votes out there for Yasmine. Russell gets mad, stomping around and claiming that these people better “listen to me or there’s gonna be some serious ass-kicking.” Really? Russell, you are the team leader. You better listen to your tribe or that tribe will turn against you. I believe this is in the Player’s Handbook. Did you not get one?

Time for Tribal.

Although the discussion never gets really heated, there are some fingers pointed and people are pretty vocal. It’s very clear that there is a definite split in the tribe, with several people gunning for Monica and several gunning for Yasmine. It’s up in the air.

Votes come back, and Yasmine is booted.

During the closing credits, we see that nearly everyone voted for Yasmine, including Russell S who was so fired up that people better do what he wants. The only two who voted for Monica? Yasmine (understandable) and Shambo. Guess Shambo didn’t get the memo. Maybe her Wi-Fi doesn’t work out here….

#83 - "Hung" - Season 1, Episode 10

Final episode of the season, and here we go.

Opening scene, Tanya is lying on her couch, reading a book that is probably sad, when she notices a big fly on the coffee table. Then she notices more big flies on the wall. Lots of them. Kinda creepy, I'll give you that.

So, as anyone would do, she drives across town to Ray's tent, wakes him up, and babbles about how the flies signify "I'm dead meat" and that "I'm disappearing" and "Are you gonna disappear on me, too?" She clutches him frantically. Ray swears to Tanya that he is not leaving her.

And we immediately cut to Ray meeting with Lenore in a restaurant, where it becomes clear that even though Tanya has a few mis-firing neurons, her concerns have some basis. Lenore is pointing out all the rich women in the restaurant, and explaining how she can help Ray make a ton of money off of them.

Ray: "What about Tanya?" Lenore: "Cut her loose. Time to choose."

Quick scene with Ray working on his house, and he finds that bees have made honey in the walls. Hmm.

Ray runs into Coach Mike at school, and Mike has heard a rumor that he's on the list of people to be cut. Ray tells him not to worry about it. Ray sure has a lot of denial issues, just sayin.

Scene with new besties Lenore and Jessica getting massages. Lenore: "These guys really open you up", as the swarthy massage guys contort Anne Heche into a position no person could naturally do on their own. Then Lenore compares a vagina to a car battery that needs to be kept charged. This is WAY too much information for me.

Then Lenore has an inspiration about Jessica: "You need a sex therapist!" And instantly my mind conjures a certain potential scene. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Jessica is all demure about it: "I'm a fairly conservative person." Yet she's letting Guido get all personal while he checks her battery levels.

Cut to Ronnie, with one of his potential plastic surgery patients. Seems they know each other from way back in school. Seems she has a mole in a certain location that needs attention. Seems they are both quite inspired about that attention taking place. Damn, we sure seem to be getting a lot of close-ups of crotches in this episode.

Ray talks to one of the school administrators (Rhonda?), and it turns out that 70% of the school staff is being cut. Including Ray.

Then we have Ray, Darby, Damon and Powell at a movie theater, watching some really loud and gory horror movie. (Sort of like the parade of vaginas we've had in this episode, but different.) Damon to Ray: "Are you getting fired?" Ray: "I can do lots of things." Yes you can, Ray, but do you really want to share your "hobby" with your budding gay son? Just wondering.

Ray runs off to do something, and Powell takes the opportunity to nuzzle on Damon. Damon freaks a little bit. "We're in public." Powell storms off as well. "I'm being used." Such drama. Then we have a tender scene with Darby comforting Damon about Powell running for the hills. Very nice. But Damon dude, Powell seems like a lot of work. Plan B for your sexual coming out? Just a thought.

Scene with Lenore and Tanya, involving a lot of meaningless discussion about dog poo protocol. Lenore: "Happiness Consultants should be run by the three of us." Tanya: "Ray is MY prostitute!" Lenore: "The loser girl never gets the football player. Either share Ray or no Ray."

Lenore's a bitch. Thought I should clarify in case you haven't yet reached that conclusion.

Ray's at his house, working on it yet again, when the next-door-neighbor wife shows up. "I hear you have honey in your walls." Which quickly leads to them having screaming sex. Of course, mopey Tanya drives up during all of the action and is not pleased. "Who's client is THIS? Lenore's?" Then Tanya has a very convincing mental breakdown in the street in front of Ray's house. We don't see Honey Girl leave, but the assumption is that she scampered back home to lie some more to her nerdy husband.

Cut to Ray and Tanya eating hot dogs and trying to repair their crumbling relationship. Ray: "I'm gonna get laid off." Tanya: "Then we work twice as hard." Ray: "You've got a good soul, but I need a professional." Tanya: "Don't you wanna bring happiness into the world?" Ray: "Right now I'll settle for a living.

Cut to Ray in a fancy suit in a fancy hotel bar, with Lenore prepping him for a client that she has arranged. Lenore: "Welcome to the majors. She'll meet you upstairs."

She trottles off, and Ray catches a glimpse of his client, quickly recognizing her as Jessica. What to do?

He calls Jess on his cell phone while sneaking up the stairs toward their appointed room. (Dude, why didn't you just take another elevator?) On the phone, they have an extended, odd conversation, with her having no clue that he's the potential stud. He's trying to say something, but he's not sure what he wants. She's trying to understand, but she's not sure what SHE wants.

Jessica: "Ray, I gotta go, my mother's waiting." Ray: "Tell your mom I said hi." And he says this last bit while standing outside the door of the room where she's waiting for sex with a paid "consultant". He touches the door, then wanders off.

Quick scene with Ray back at this house, eating the honey from his walls.

Last scene, Tanya at home, reading a book ("Women Who Run with the Wolves"), which she suddenly uses to kill a fat fly on the coffee.

End credits.

Folks, not sure if I want another helping of this show. Tried really hard to get into it, and maybe I'm just missing some crucial insight. But it seems like there were a lot of potentially great ideas in the first few episodes, and then the writers and producers didn't know what to do after that. We'll see if they can lure me back for another season. Assuming that there is one.

#82 - "Hung" - Season 1, Episode 9

So we start out with Ray apparently teaching in front of a classroom, and I'm thinking, attendance at this school must really suck, since there are only about 4 students sprinkled throughout the room. Just as it hits me, wait, this must be detention of some kind, in walks Damon with another Goth Boy and they giggle their way to the back of the room.

Ray pauses, then asks Damon to step out into the hallway.

Turns out that Damon isn't really the one reporting for detention, he's just here with his buddy, Powell. Really? Ray questions this a bit, and it's fairly clear that Damon has a thing for Powell. Great. Something else for somewhat-Neanderthal Ray to process through his cortex.

At the office, Tanya tries to get Horny Patty to spill the beans on how her session went with Ray. At first, HP is reluctant to talk, then it comes out: Her fling with Ray was like doing cocaine, a really great time, but afterward you're broke and depressed. Tanya: What would make this work for you? HP: If he was like crack, same high, but cheaper and dirtier.

Well then.

Cut to Ray and Tanya, with Ray all a twitter about "my kid's a gay". Tanya tells him not to say it like that, say "my son's gay", no big deal. Then she tries to soften things with a little ditty about once when she had a crush on a girl, but Ray doesn't want to hear about her "lesbian past", like she banged everyone on the LPGA tour.

Tanya switches topics, we really need to think about cutting back our prices, people can't afford the stellar rates. Ray's not down with that, finding it offensive. (Like the whole concept of paying for nookie is not the least bit tawdry to begin with.) In the midst of all this, Pierce calls from Cuba (Cuba?), where he's off on some weird mission. No idea where they are going with that angle.

Scene with Darby and Damon climbing one of those fake indoor rock walls (because all the overweight Goth kids are doing that these days, right?). Darby's a little hurt. Why didn't you tell me about the gay thing? Turns out Damon hasn't actually had sex with Powell, but he's sure thinking about it. Darby: "Guy's are easier." Seriously.

Scene with Jessica and Ronnie, where Jessica is trying to show how she's cutting back on expenses because of all that "we lost a ton of money in the stock market" thing. He's still miffed that Jess and Meddling Mother went through his stuff. Then he suddenly has a mood swing, whips out a credit card, and tells Jessica to go buy herself something nice. He just wants her to be happy.

Okay, first, what's up with the bipolar action, and dude, you don't give a credit card to Anne Heche and tell her to buy something nice. She might come back with a spaceship and a passport.

Scenes with Tanya trying to recruit other co-workers to sample her sideline whoring business. She's not exactly a smashing success, especially when she uses her sales pitch on a clearly lesbian biker chick who is chain-smoking and looking at Tanya like she's lost her mind.

Tanya arrives for a meeting that Lenore has requested, and finds Lenore hauling around a new dog on a leash. Turns out that Lenore has named the dog "Horny Patty", so I'm thinking this is not going to be a pleasant social encounter for Tanya. And it's not. Lenore is none too happy that Tanya has been telling people that her stud service is actually owned by Lenore.

Lenore has also figured out that Ray is Tanya's only asset. She then demands another session with Ray (weak little Tanya: "but you stole his wallet... and his underwear... and..."), slaps some "cash up front" on the table, and then marches off, dragging Horny Patty behind her. "Send him over tonight."

Cut to Ray and Lenore, where she's taken him to some closed but fancy department store. She finds him a nice expensive suit, makes him put it on, then proceeds to explain to Ray all about "branding" and the fact that Tanya doesn't know what she's doing. She continues to ramble while they prepare for sex on a high-end couch in the home furnishings department.

Lenore is clearly moving in on Ray as a business commodity. Poor Tanya.

As they paw on the couch, Lenore tells Ray he needs to diversify, meaning a little lingual action down under. Ray wants more money to do THAT. She gives it to him, and he dives in, and apparently is a complete expert at it. Lenore TRIES to continue discussing her business plan, but within minutes has the most explosive orgasm known to mankind.

Tanya has a confrontation in the office bathroom with a very angry Horny Patty, who is livid that Tanya has been citing Patty as a "very satisfied customer". Patty slams her up against a wall and everything, it's very butch. After Patty storms out, Tanya discovers a meek little thing coming out of one of the stalls, and she seems interested in Tanya's wares. Oh?

As can only happen in a script, Lenore runs into Jessica trying to "buy herself something nice," but Jess is flipping through couture on a sale rack. Lenore is having none of that. Girl, you need some pricey things. Within minutes, they are best friends, with Lenore spouting away about how Jess deserves the finest things in life.

Tanya meets with the new client from the office bathroom, and asks for cash in advance. The client proffers 50 bucks. Tanya is thrown off by that. It's $600 per session. The lady waves the 50 bucks again. Okay, it's $500 per session. The lady waves the 50 bucks. Okay, it's 400 per session. The lady waves.... Well, you get the idea.

Cut to Jessica and Lenore at Jessica's house, ripping into all the nice things that Jessica has purchased. (Couture everywhere.) Ronnie walks in, has a bipolar swing, and wants to know the return policy. (Lenore: "All sales are final. My discount and all.") Ronnie huffs out of the room.

Lenore continues to work her magic on Jessica, reminding her that "she has the power", basically because she also has a vagina. Jessica seems very enthusiastic about this line of thinking.

Scene with Tanya and Ray, where Tanya is again trying to convince Ray that they need to lower their prices. Ray is even more displeased with the notion now. He tells Tanya that Lenore says that now is the time to RAISE prices. Way up, to like $1,500 a session. (Tanya: "You've been meeting with Lenore?") This discussion does not end happily.

Cut to later at the school, where Ray wanders in on Coach Mike sitting in the Music Room, playing on the piano and singing a blues song. (He's actually very good.) Mike: "The music department got the axe today. They are taking the heart out of our schools. They're after us."

Ray: We're fine. "Everybody loves sports." But his face doesn't say that.

As Ray leaves the school, he gets a call on his cell from Lenore.

End credits.

#81 - "Survivor: Samoa" - Episode 3

We start off in the Foa Foa tribe, with Jaison and Mick chatting. Jaison: "I want Ben out. Ben's a mental plague." (Um, just like Betsy was trying to tell you? Hello?)

Scene with Russell trying to work Natalie. Russ: "Who do you want out next?" Natalie has no answer. Sidebar with Russell, babbling that nobody has a plan of action, these people can't even think. (Actually, Russell, did it cross your mind that maybe people are going to be a bit more tight-lipped, since they've seen that with the last two people who actually spoke honestly to you, you're railroaded them out of the game. Just sayin.)

Opening credits roll. We're still seeing shots of people that we don't know or recognize, presumably from the Galu tribe. Maybe some day we'll get to meet them.

Back go Foa Foa, where Ben is once again bitching about the pansies on his tribe. "Without my help these people will die." Dude, no one has ever died on Survivor. You see all those hundreds of production people standing around, and the Medical team? Get a grip.

Sidebar with Russell: "As long as Ben keeps it up, his ass in on the line."

Then we zip over to Galu. The happy place.

Four of the Galu people are sprawled out on the ground, doing yoga. Breathing in, breathing out. You'd think they were at a day spa in the Sonoma Valley.

Shambo, of course, is completely unimpressed with this development. We've got to gather wood! We've got to build a fire! Just a thought, Shambo: With all that hair of yours, let's just light YOU on fire. It'll burn for days and astronauts can see it from the Space Station.

And really, Galu keeps winning challenges, so maybe that Yoga thing is helping more than you think. It helps to relax here and there, instead of constantly tromping through the woods in ugly outfits.

Back to Foa Foa, where Russell is explaing to Ben that "Ashley is gunning for you". Which is a half-truth, because really everybody is gunning for Ben. But Russell's using his little mind games to stir up Ben.

Russell in a sidebar: "I need Ben right now, gotta take out those who are going after him."

So Ben confronts Ashley, he's all mad that "somebody" told him that Ashley is the one that started this whole mess about getting Ben out. Ashley wants to know who this "somebody" is. Ben immediately blurts out: "It wasn't Russell!"

Which should be clear to Ashley that it WAS Russell.

Ashley scampers over to Natalie, to dish about what Ben just said. They both know that Ashley didn't exactly lead a crusade to assassinate Ben, everybody was bitching about him. Who could it be? Who is making stuff up?

Uh, ladies, let's just say that the culprit's name rhymes with: Russell. It's great that more tribe members on Foa Foa are realizing they are being played, but it's a little sad that the focus right now is on Ben (can't stand him, don't get me wrong) when the real villain here is Russell.

Zip back over to Galu, where they have tree mail. It's a bag full of swimsuits. All of the girls (except for whiny Shambo and her mullett) are ecstatic about this surprise. These people are really enjoying even the smallest things. I guess that yoga is really working out.

Time for the combined Immunity and Reward Challenge. It's one of those things where people swim out to retrieve big-ass crates, lug them to shore, and then build a tower following certain guidelines.

Interestingly enough, Russell sits out for Foa Foa. This is a physical challenge and they need strong players. Is Russell really THAT lazy? Oh that's right, he is.

The challenge is a long one, going on forever. The only interesting note during the actual gameplay is that Ben is the worst player for Foa Foa. He's supposed to be a defender, stopping the other team from getting to the crates, but they are racing past him like he's nothing more than a sea turtle.

And Galu wins. Again. (Yoga!)

Jeff tells the good Russell that as head of Galu, he has to make a few decisions. First, he can opt to take the Comfort award (pillows, towels, hammocks) or the Functional Award (serious fishing gear, a tarp, etc). Russell chooses the Comfort award. All the girls on his tribe squeal, except for Shambo, who has probably never squealed in her life. The men on the tribe are not happy, glaring at Russell like there won't be any dreadlocks in the morning.

Russell also has to send someone on his tribe to live with Foa Foa for a bit. He chooses Shambo. She grabs her pack and practically races to the other tribe.

So the Foa Foa tribe does their little defeat march back to camp, where Shambo, surprisingly, fits right in. She's got everybody impressed with her charm. Seriously, she's working these people like a really loose tooth. Didn't know she had it in her.

There are two exceptions to the Shambo-fest. Mick isn't really buying it, suspicious of her motives. And Russell is skulkling around with a pout on his face, because here's a "stupid girl" that he doesn't completely control. Most heart-warming shot of the whole episode.

Shambo is excited that she received two clues about the location of the hidden Immunity Idol just for coming to visit Foa Foa. Now, WE know that Russell has already found it, but it doesn't take Shambo long to find the hollowed-out tree where the idol must be. The tree that's right in the middle of camp.

So Shambo starts out slyly, digging at the base of the tree and pretending to find good fire-starting materials. She digs deeper, chatting with the girls at camp who have no clue what she's doing. Then Shambo gets serious, digging deeper, and we are presented with this lovely wide-screen shot of just Shambo's legs sticking out of the hollow tree, and the clueless girls babbling about how great Shambo is, even though at first glance it looks like Shambo is being swallowed whole by the tree.

Some people just don't have all burners going.

Other scenes at Foa Foa with Jaison really working the Ben angle. He seems most upset about Ben's racist comments. And he also seems to have Ashley and Natalie on his side.

Scene with Russell and Liz telling Mick that they want Ashley out, followed by a scene with just Mick and Russell, where Mick tells Russell that Jaison wants Ben out. (Stupid!) They eventually shake on a deal for Ashley to go first, then Ben.

Not really caring for Mick right now. And when you think about the fact that he's supposed to be the Foa Foa tribe leader, liking him even less.

Russell does show Mick the immunity idol that he has, still believing that the mere act of doing so somehow cements an everlasting bond with whoever he shows it to.

Sidebar with Russell, very impressed with himself about how he is working the game: "This is what God made me for."

Dude, I'm thinking God is nowhere near this equation. You're just a mean bastard with no morals whatsover. No offense. Kiss kiss.

Scene with Russell, Mick and Jaison. Russell: "We're going with Ashley." Jaison: "Why not Ben?" Russell and Mick try to convince Jaison with some crap about "girl power" that makes no sense. (Continuing to not like Mick.) Jaison is not hip with this at all, wants Ben GONE. "I'm making my peace at Tribal Council. It's gonna be a rough night."

Quick sidebar with Russell. Is he starting to waffle a little bit about keeping Ben? Hmm.

So we get to Tribal, and Jaison wastes no time going after Ben.

Ben makes it clear that he's voting for Ashley, indicating he thinks everybody else is too.

Then the two of them go at it for a bit.

Jeff asks Russell: "What's going on?"

Russell: "Ben might have said something racial."

Might?

And then Ben and Jaison are at it again, with Ben digging himself deeper and deeper and completely showing his ass, and Jaison at least remaining (for the most part) very well-spoken and thoughtful, although he honestly should have moved on to other things besides just the racial aspect of it. Still, Ben does not look good.

But is it enough? After all, Russell still has some very strong strings that he's pulling.

Jeff to Ben: "Anything you've said to Jaison that you regret?"

Ben: "Nope."

So we get to the vote.

And Ben overwhelmingly goes home.

Hallelujah. One jerk down, one (maybe two) to go.

Ben's exit interview remarks: "Everybody's gonna starve. Bunch of sissies."

Dude, just go back to Missouri. You're done.