So we start out at South Fork, where Bobby confronts JR about his involvement with the Lisa thing. JR does his usual snarky "not really my fault" thing, which enrages Bobby and we get lots of yelling. Suddenly, Miss Ellie barges in and tells both of them to break it up or "you're off this ranch!". Wow. Miss Ellie talking all street. Maybe she's still hung-over?
Then we have Bobby arriving at Cliff's, letting him know that Lisa is back in town. Cliff: "What?" Bobby: "She's been working for JR." Cliff discreetly gulps, he's been working for JR as well. Hell, who ISN'T working for JR at this point?) Cliff: "I'll do anything to help."
April, having a spiralling paranoia moment in her condo. The newspaper says that Larry Doyle's been murdered! She discovers that her Lombardi file is missing! She calls Nick! I have to see you!
Ellie and Mavis again, eating something at yet another restaurant. Ellie fesses about being worried that Clayton is having an affair, offering up skimpy evidence to support this. (They were standing in the same ROOM!) Mavis counters this with her own revelation that Punk had an affair (really? with whom? Helen Keller?), but that she just put up with it until it ended, because she didn't want to lose him. Ellie, face all crinkly, is not sure she can be that complacent.
JR is meeting with Harry, his evil little henchman. "We have got to find Lisa!" (She's wearing a big, ugly hat, people, work with that.) As Harry rushes off to do this, Kimberly marches in, pissed. "If you gain control of Westar without me, will you still want me?" (Um, he never wanted you to begin with, but anyway.) JR smoothly lies his way out of it, and then there's some yucky fake passionate kissing.
Laurel is meeting with David, her artist friend (and recipient of Clays' loan). He's trying to convince Laurel to keep the "relationship" with Clay going, because he's rich. Laurel: "What an awful thing to say." On cue, Laurel's mysterious "ex" from England walks up. David then runs off to let Laurel deal with it, because he's such a classy guy.
Brett, the ex, still wants Laurel back, he has so much he can offer. Laurel: "You're offering me a beautiful prison." Really? Just WHAT happened back in the UK? That sounds so much more intriguing than learning that Punk Anderson had sex with his secretary.
Cut to Ray and Jenna's House of Denial. Jenna is all pouty, having found Charlie's report card, and the grades suck. "She's always been a straight-A student." (Um, we've seen her go to school ONCE in the last 80 seasons. We'll have to take your word for it.)
Ray: "This has happened since our marriage!" Jenna: "I think she's testing us!" Ray: "She's trying to tear us apart! Maybe we should send her to a private school!" (Sure, that's going to help things, when Charlie doesn't have Brad Pitt to carry her books.) Jenna: "Don't you think that's a little drastic?" Then Jenna looks in a mirror to confirm that her hair is still unnaturally straight.
Nick and April pull up alongside each other in separate cars in a dark and mysterious parking lot. April starts babbling away about her investigation into Nick's possible past, it was just a "lark", and now people are dead and everything. Nick: "What are you not telling me?" April: "The file's missing. They know about your father." Nick: "I'm so tempted to hit you right now." Very manly response, right?
April: "Why do they want from you?" Nick: "Don't go home, go to a hotel and stay there until you hear from me." Then he squeals out of the parking lot. April starts violently crying, looking like a forlorn poodle that's not getting any wet food tonight.
Sue Ellen, Bobby, and JR at South Fork, with Sue breaking the news that Ellie has suddenly left on vacation. Clayton walks in. JR is bitchy to him about Ellie leaving. Clay tells him to shut up. (You GO!) Then Bobby is bitchy about JR and the Lisa thing.. Then they all just glare at each other with hate-filled eyes.
Quick shot of Miss Ellie, wandering around and looking pale and tragic on a beach, with screaming birds flying all around. Where did you take this vacation, Miss E? Hitchcock Land?
Clay's in his office, and David the sleazy artist arrives. He's painted another portrait of Laurel, and he wants Clay to buy that one too, because he needs the money. This guy is just a jerk. Yet amazingly, Clay writes him another check. As the jerk leaves, he spouts "I promise that your wife will never hear anything about Laurel from me."
Clay, just have him killed, it will save you heartache and money in the end. Laurel won't mind, seriously.
Nick is arriving at a house in somewhere that is clearly not Dallas, and inside the house we learn that his daddy is NOT dead. Neither is his momma, and they fawn over him like he's biblical. Nick warns dad that "they will find you". Dad: "We're not moving again. We're ready to face this." Nick doesn't care for that option. "We'll have to do this the OTHER way?"
Other way? What? Actually, I really don't care. Next.
Sly tells JR that she "has to talk", and fesses up about her budding relationship with Casey. JR's not bothered at all. "I'd pick your brain, too. It's alright. Casey never stops trying." JR never worries about guest stars getting the better of him. He knows he's coming back next week.
Then we see Casey meeting with Kimberly, which is a nice surprise and perks up the story line a bit. She called HIM. She wants to talk about JR, the Westar takeover, and lining up the stockholder votes to get what she wants. Interested? Casey: "Depends on the benefits." Kimberly smiles slyly. How about a position with the company?
Wouldn't THAT be a hoot? Kimberly causes JR to lose his Westar bid, and he has to watch Casey run the company. I'd drink a beer to that.
So it's time for Christopher's custody trial.
First we deal with Lisa, who's all "I am Christopher's real family" and such. Bobby's lawyer makes her fess up that JR was paying all her expenses, and he's a bad guy. Lisa: "I didn't care." Lawyer: "Hasn't this been blackmail from the beginning?"
Hell, it's been blackmail since the beginning of the series, but anyway.
Then we have Sue Ellen, with some truly horrifying hair, testifying. She had believed that JR was the father of Christopher, and "it was a cloud on our marriage for a long time." ONE cloud, sweetie. One of many. Then we have lots of flashbacks, and in one of them she tells Bobby that JR is the daddy.
So Bobby takes the stand and fills in the rest. Jeff Faraday contacted him, wanting hush money, this went on for a while, and finally Bobby just bought the baby. Oh, and it was Jeff's baby after all. Kristen miscarried JR's baby. (And apparently got pregnant again within a few hours to make the timeline work out.)
Interesting side note: Ray and Jenna are watching in the courtroom. Remember, in the first few seasons, Ray slept with everybody. I'm sure he was sweating just a wee bit. Christopher could be HIS baby.
Final scene, with just Bobby, Lisa and Christopher in the Judge's chambers. The judge asks Chris what HE wants to do. And Christopher really sells it about loving his daddy and wanting to be with him. Very touching. So of course, Lisa: "I'll drop the case."
Great. That story thread has been wrapped up. Now, can we travel to England and find out what weird thing Brett did to make Laurel flee the country and hook up with the sleazy artist guy and then make friends with Clayton so that Miss Ellie can get all neurotic and roll around on a beach with angry birds? I'd appreciate that.
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