#103 - "Survivor: Samoa" - Episode 15

Okay, folks, this was a long night. A two-hour finale, followed by a one-hour reunion show. Might have to break this one up into two parts, we’ll see how it goes.

We start with a VERY long re-cap on what has happened with the season so far. There was nothing new or shocking, so if you’ve been faithfully watching the show (or at least reading this blog) you could have skipped this entire section and not missed anything.

Roll opening credits.

We then have Russell retrieving tree mail, since once again he’s the first one up while the rest are still slumbering in the crappy hut. (We have a sidebar with Russell complaining about such, but I don’t really have any sympathy for him. Yes, he always gets up early. But then he marches off to look for idols or pour out canteen water. He never does anything to help around camp, like the rest of them do. So quit bitchin.)

Besides, since Russell has a black hole where his heart SHOULD be, he probably doesn’t need as much sleep as real human beings do.

Anyway, he wakes up the rest of the remaining tribe so he can read them the tree mail. Before he can even start, Jaison launches into a graphic description of how he has had diarrhea all night. (Seriously, how is it that this man is still on the island? Why hasn’t he been killed just to stop his complaining? Good gawd.)

The tree mail is another cryptic message about how you have to be really on your toes to win the Immunity Challenge. Like these people have to be told that. Do the producers really think anyone is expecting an EASY challenge where you just have to show up and everybody wins?

We then have a quick scene where Mick and Jaison are babbling along, and it’s clear that they are both convinced they will be in the final three with Russell. Really?

Russell goes to Natalie. Russell: “If Brett gets Immunity, you go home.” Natalie: “What?” (Audience: “What?”) Russell: “If he wins, I’ll need three guys to beat him the next time.” Okay, MAYBE Russell only said this to Natalie to get her fired up to try really hard in the competition. But even if that was the case, he basically just let Natalie know that she is expendable. Natalie, the one who has done the majority of the dirty work for him.

Natalie in a sidebar, sighing: “There’s probably no way I can beat Brett.” Girl, then get your ass in gear and go talk to Mick and Brett. The three of you can take Russell down. Do you understand that?

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Right away, Jeff asks Russell if it’s everyone against Brett. Russell: “Yep.” (Jeff, dude, you’re not a Prayer Warrior. You didn’t make it. Let it go.)

This competition is a standard one, with folks racing around an obstacle course, collecting a bag of puzzle pieces, and then putting the pieces together. It comes down to a heart-pounding race between Mick, Russell and Brett. The Prayer Warrior pulls it off with seconds to spare.

I believe that my bellowing cheer made it very clear to all neighbors in a three-house radius that I was very pleased with the outcome of something going on in our house. Again, it was the underdog thing, and the “at least it’s not Russell” thing. I was quite happy.

We go back to camp.

Natalie in a sidebar: “I’m hanging by a thread.”

Russell goes to Natalie. “I’ll change the plan so you don’t go home.” She looks at him with glowing eyes of adoration.

Russell in a sidebar: “I still need Natalie. There’s no way she can beat me in the end.”

Russell in another sidebar: “The weakest link is Natalie. So do I send home Jaison or Mick?”

See, Russell has no concept that a woman can beat him. Fingers are firmly crossed that his Neanderthal attitude will cost him in the end.

Russell goes to Jaison: “We have to get rid of Mick.”

Russell goes to Mick: “We have to get rid of Jaison.”

Mick in a sidebar: “Natalie’s head is in the game, Jaison’s is not. Makes sense.”

Russell goes to Natalie: “It’s Mick or Jaison. Talk to me.” Natalie lists the pros and cons for both, and if you’re listening carefully, you realize that Natalie has everyone pegged just as much as Russell thinks HE does. Only she holds the trump card in that she realizes Russell really does discount her, and she’s not one to give up.

What’s really interesting is that we also have sidebars with Natalie, Mick and Jaison, where each one of them says the same thing: “I’ve had a pact with Russell since Day Two.” People, EVERYBODY has had a pact with Russell since Day Two. Most of those people are gone. Wake up.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff does his usual fanning of the flames, but we really don’t learn anything new or exciting, other than a spot-on quote from Brett: “Having nothing to lose is a different mindset.” These other people don’t know anything about that.

Votes are cast, and Jaison goes home.

Next morning, Russell approaches Brett. Russell: “Think you can beat me?” Brett: “I’d rather be up against a strong player and lose than be up against weak players and win.” (Of course, this is all crap on Brett’s part, but he’s smart enough to stroke Russell’s ego.) Russell: “I can promise you, me and you in the top three.”

I’m 97% certain that Russell is just blowing smoke, but at the same time I can see Russell, with his arrogance and ego, wanting to have Brett in the end just so that what HE thinks is a definite victory will be even sweeter. But come on. With the Galu-heavy jury, all of them shafted by Russell, they’re going to hand Brett the win, hands down.

Russell in a sidebar: “I gotta save myself”, meaning his attempt at an alliance with Brett. “But if I win the next Immunity, I’ve got the million dollars.”

Then it’s time for the “Tribute March”, where the remaining four traipse around the island and reflect on the tribe members who have gone before them. Everyone is generally nice with their comments, except Russell. He can’t help but gloat over how he was responsible for most of the evictions.

The arrogance of this man never ceases to amaze me. What kind of parents did he have? I can’t imagine any parent with any degree of morals being proud of what he has done.

But to be fair, let’s stop for a second. I understand that in the past several weeks, Russell has a growing fan base out there in America. (Yes, I have access to the Internet and can read.) But to me, that fan base for Russell is not so much a validation of Russell, but more a reflection on how some people in our society think it’s okay to lie, cheat and steal your way to the top. Decency no longer has the value it once had.

Yes, everyone on Survivor has to lie at some critical point. That’s the nature of the game. But to this extent? With this much viciousness?

And I would actually be okay with Russell if, during his sidebars, he would wink and let us all know that he’s just doing what he does to win the game. I would seriously cheer him on. But instead he gloats and belittles everyone, and he actually despises women as inferior. You cannot paint that any other way. He truly believes that he is the greatest thing this world has ever seen. His ego is so immense I’m surprised that small planets aren’t sucked in by the gravitational pull.

I can’t support someone like that. Survivor has had it’s share of manipulative winners. It’s also had it’s share of decent winners who played with integrity, and those winners usually get a landslide vote, which gives me some small hope that society as a whole hasn’t completely lost its mind.

End of soapbox.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

And I really don’t care for this one.

Basically, you have this little statue which you perch on a small platform on the end of a stick and you have to hold it up in the air with a steady hand so the statue doesn’t plummet to the ground. Every two minutes, you add another section of stick, raising the statue higher and making it more unsteady.

This is not what I call a final Immunity Challenge. This is a challenge you play to win a tarp, not a seat in the final three. The final challenge should be much harder, and should be all about endurance and stamina, not waving a stick in the air until your doll falls over.

Anyway, they get started, and it quickly comes down to Russell and Brett. In the end, Russell wins. The whole thing took maybe 10 minutes. As Jeff points out, this is the only time that Russell has won an Immunity Challenge. Smart-ass Russell: “This is the only time that I wanted it.” Yeah, right.

Russell in a sidebar: “I just won the game.”

Brett in a sidebar: “The only thing I have to fall back on is the deal with Russell.” Oh, you can fall back on it if you want, but I wouldn’t count on anyone being there to actually catch you.

Back at camp, Russell is incredibly cocky with Mick and Natalie. He really thinks he’s already won. Then he runs off to have a conversation with Brett, and then spends the rest of his time avoiding his supposed Foa Foa teammates, pretending to work around camp.

Mick goes to Natalie: “Is there some funny business going on?” Natalie: “Mick, you’re fine.” Mick: “Why is Russell getting firewood? Russell never gets firewood, Russell never works.” Paranoia is alive and well.

Russell continues negotiating with Brett. Russell: “Mick and Natalie are voting for you. If I vote Mick, and you vote Mick, then it’s a tie and we go to the fire competition.”

Okay, wait. How are we back to the fire competition when it’s a tie? What happened to the colored-rock thing we almost had to do earlier in the season, when John cracked at the last minute and flipped? A little confused, but carry on.

Russell in a sidebar: “I might get jury votes if I keep the strongest to the end.” (Or, Russell, they might just laugh at you for dragging along someone that they would happily vote for over you.)

Time for Tribal.

At first, Jeff seems to be pandering to Russell with his questions, so of course that quickly gets on my nerves. Then I realize that Jeff is being sly and subtly setting Russell up.

Jeff’s questions actually prod Russell into babbling about how he’s seriously thinking about taking Brett with him. Mick and Natalie are immediately discounting this, saying Russell is not seriously thinking that at all.

Jeff: “Are you trying to convince Russell or yourselves?”

Jeff to Brett: “Is Russell just doing this for the jury?”

Brett: “It’s a smart move if he is.”

Then they vote, and Brett goes home, 3 to 1.

So Russell is not The Man that he was gloating about, willing to take a strong player to the end. All bluff, and no play.

The next day at camp, they get to enjoy their fancy final breakfast. While this is going on, Russell actually starts to coach Natalie on how she should respond to the jury questions. I’m not sure why he’s doing that, because it appears that he is giving good advice, and why would Russell help anybody out? Did the sugar and cholesterol rush from the fancy meal cause some type of hormonal imbalance? Funny things can happen when you go from rice and dirt to grilled sausages.

Mick in a sidebar: “Russell needs to be reminded he wouldn’t be here without us.”

Then the old Russell is back, and he starts degrading Mick and Natalie, trashing them left and right. Then he goes off on a gloating binge about how wonderful he is. He actually starts yelling out the people on the jury who are going to vote for him and how he is going to win it all.

I’m so sick of him by this point that I almost don’t care WHO wins, I just want the season to be over so I don’t have to hear this little man talk about himself anymore.

Then they burn down the camp and head to Tribal.

Natalie, Mick and Russell all give their opening “save me” speech. None of them says anything particularly stirring, but at least Mick and Natalie are TRYING to show how they deserve to be here and are not just rolling over with their butts in the air.

Then the jury gets to ask their questions. Here’s a quick run-through, in order of appearance:

Jaison - He forces them to all fess up to what they do for a living in their real lives, with the point that none of them really need the money, so THAT should not be a deciding factor in the vote.

Shambo - Totally slams Mick and Natalie, saving all her hairy love for Russell. (In fact, during the entire tribal, she gazes at Russell with lust-filled eyes, clearly intent on having his baby at the first opportunity.)

Brett - The guy goes way left. His only question is what would Mick do with him if they went out on a “bro date”. I think he might have been trying to make the point that Mick didn’t take the time to get to know him, but it just comes off as weird.

Kelly - She goes after Russell and Natalie, with a particular emphasis on Nat, clawing away at her. I don’t really get this. Kelly went home because of Russell using his idol, not anything that Natalie did.

Monica - “I wanna see the fight in Mick and Natalie.” Prove to me that you should win this thing. Mick and Natalie perk up, and try doing just that. In the back of my mind, a tiny sensation hatches that maybe this might not be the slam-dunk for Russell that most people think it’s going to be.

Dave - “What do you think your chances are? Give me a percentage.” Mick: “20-25”. Natalie: “30”. Russell: “55”.

Laura - Directly to Russell, “What did you learn about me that enabled you to get me out?” It’s a sly question, and Russell falls into the trap, unable to stop himself from spewing self-praise about how he could just throw out anybody he didn’t like.

John - “Hard sell me.” Convince me why it should be you. As the three offer reasons, it becomes clear that at least John understands the Natalie angle, that Russell would not have succeeded without her doing a big chunk of the subtle networking.

Last up is Erik, and he blows the roof off the joint, much to my surprise and complete satisfaction. He blasts Mick, rips apart Russell, and tells everybody they need to get over themselves if they think Natalie hasn’t worked just as hard as anyone to make it to the final.

It was a very eloquent, impassioned, insightful speech, hitting on the exact topics of morality and ethics that have had me worked up about how Russell didn’t deserve to win. I was floored, and thrilled.

Erik ended with this:

“In an environment, filled with arrogance (points to Russell), delusional entitlement (points to Mick), maybe the person who THINKS that she’s least deserving, is probably the most. You got my vote. I hope you get four more. Congratulations.”

Then they vote. Jeff grabs the little urn and marches off into the jungle…

And magically appears “live” on a California sound stage like he always does, transitioning into the Reunion Special.

He gets right to the results.

Two people voted for Russell. (I’m guessing this was Shambo and her hair.)

And everybody else voted for Natalie.

To be honest, the look on Russell’s face when he realized that he did NOT win made the entire season worth it. As he had plowed along in episode after episode, maliciously destroying everyone around him and gaining a fan base on the Internet, I had accepted the grim realization that he would probably win. It was his to lose.

Immediately after the vote was revealed, the Internet was abuzz with people either pissed off that Russell didn’t win or ecstatic that this total jerk did not get the money. A huge debate on whether or not it’s okay to be an arrogant, back-stabbing predator in the world of Survivor, an artificial world that most of us will never experience. It’s just a game, after all.

I see both sides, I really do. But in this supposed “modern age”, if you want to call it that, where decency is tossed aside much more often that it should be, where so many people have become jaded and hard that they would actually root for an arrogant bastard that hates women, something has gone terribly wrong.

Call me old-fashioned. Call me naïve. Call me whatever you want.

I just don’t think it’s right to reward a man like Russell. That’s not a legacy we should embrace.

End of soapbox, Part Two.

Peace.

#102 - "Survivor: Samoa" - Episode 14

We’re back at camp after tribal, with everyone piddling around doing boring things and talking about Monica being sent home. For some inexplicable reason, Brett decides to massage Shambo’s hair. I can’t even begin to imagine why someone would want to do that.

But there he is, doing just that. I suppose he really meant to massage her head and/or neck, but there’s no way he can break through her protective cascade of hair follicles. First, her hairdo is bigger than his entire body. Second, we can clearly see that his fingers are quickly ensnared in her mane like a twisted version of those Chinese finger-torture things.

Russell in a sidebar: As soon as Brett loses an Immunity Challenge, he’s gone.

Maybe so, Russell, but based on what we’re watching right now, it will have to be a double eviction because I don’t think Shambo’s hair will ever release Brett’s fingers. They’ll have to go home together.

Roll opening credits.

Then we have Brett and Natalie in the little hut thing, where he’s suddenly spouting very lengthy Bible quotes and Nat is sitting there in awe of this ability, perhaps even slightly turned on. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we’re witnessing Bible porn. Can I get a hallelujah?

Then we cut to Shambo fiddling with her massive hair, talking about how she needs to go wet it down. I don’t even know what this means. What I do know is that, so far, Shambo’s hair has been the center of attention in this episode. Perhaps she should speak to her lawyer about getting the hair its own billing in the opening credits.

Then we have a sidebar with Russell, where he’s making fun of the massive hair, talking about how Shambo hides food in there. Kumquats, bananas, coconuts. It’s actually pretty funny, but I refuse to laugh out loud, since I can’t stand him and all.

Time for the Reward Challenge, with a feast in a nearby village and chance to sleep on actual mattresses up for grabs. This competition involves two teams, who then have to take turns pulling on one of many ropes holding up a huge amount of coconuts. (Did Shambo’s hair carry them over here on her own?) The team that manages to cause a total of 100 coconuts to fall is eliminated and the other team goes on Reward.

Jeff teases Shambo about her hair. How long have you had that hairstyle? Twenty-three years. She‘s not kidding. The woman has walked around looking like that for 23 years. No wonder she talks to chickens.

Natalie and Brett end up on the same team, so while the Survivor staff is running around doing whatever they do to set things up, she talks to him about how they are Prayer Warriors and all, so it’s really good that they are on the same team.

I don’t know much about Prayer Warriors, having never heard the term, but it makes me a little suspicious and uneasy. I mean, really, that term doesn’t sound very Christian, does it? Just asking. And just what kind of outfits do you wear as a Prayer Warrior? A loincloth with scripture printed on it?

Anyway, they have the competition, with people pulling on ropes, and the Prayer Warriors plus one lose, meaning that Russell, Jaison and Shambo win the challenge.

Then we go on Reward with them.

First we have Jaison, in a long monologue, rambling about how much he has hated every single day on the island. (Really? YOU were unhappy? I guess I didn’t really believe you the first 50 times you said that.) Then Shambo makes a dramatic toast to all the people of Samoa. I can’t really speak for those people, but I would imagine the island would have survived just fine without that whole mess. Then we end with tribal dances performed by the locals. I’m a little confused by this part, because the “band” making music is standing there in native island dress, but they are strumming very modern acoustic guitars. Where the hell did they get those? Did they find them on the beach or in Shambo’s hair inventory?

Later that night, as the three of them enjoy plush mattresses and pillows, Russell tries to discuss strategy, but we’re all distracted by Shambo insisting on acting like a seven-year-old and saying little-girl things that do nothing but increase her creepiness factor. That girl crazy.

Next day, everybody is back at camp. Russell corners Natalie and says that they have to get rid of Mick and Brett. Natalie is not quite sure about that, but tells us in a sidebar that she still trusts Russell.

Time for the Immunity Challenge, this one involving running to various stations, counting however many things (fish, squid, etc) are at that station, and then running back and using those numbers to solve a puzzle. It’s kind of a tight race, but Brett manages to win Immunity again, which makes me cheer. I always have a soft spot for the underdog, even if they are Prayer Warriors and I really don’t know what that means.

Jaison in a sidebar: “Tonight’s Shambo’s night.”

I assume that he’s talking about Tribal, and not some sort of sexual encounter where Whiny Man and Medusa meet in a passionate moment of jungle fever. But who knows. People have needs, just sayin.

Back at camp, Jaison and Russell are off to the side, chatting. Jaison: “It has to be Shambo.” Russell agrees. Then Shambo comes waltzing up and Jaison runs away as fast as he can. Shambo is suspicious and asks Russell what THAT was all about. Russell tells her that Jaison wants MICK out, and he only walked away because he’s frustrated.

But Shambo won’t let it go. We have a few more scenes with her quizzing Russell about Jaison and everything that is going on. He keeps feeding her lies. She keeps asking questions, relentlessly, until even the cameraman is bored and just focuses on some wildlife so we don’t have to keep looking at her.

Russell goes to Mick, and tells him it has to be Shambo, babbling about how she’s worthless and has done nothing for them. It’s too hard of a sell, and Mick is suspicious. “That’s the first time I’ve heard you talk about her like that.”

Mick in a sidebar: That was very odd and I’m a little skeptical. “Russell could be taking ME out.”

Time for tribal.

Right away, Jeff points out that Shambo has been a traitor for quite a while, and that the all-Galu jury won’t vote for her. How are the rest of you going to use that?

Russell: “I trust Shambo as much as Foa Foa.”

Really? The other three Foa Foa look at him like he’s lost his mind a little bit.

Mick: “I’ve been loyal. I would be pissed off if it was me tonight.”

Russell: “This is the first vote that has really bothered me.” I’m not really believing that. Somehow I don’t think you’ve ever been bothered by anything you’ve done in your entire life.

We get to the vote, and Shambo goes home. She’s very gracious about her exit, which is a little bit of a surprise. I fully expected her to grab her now-extinct torch and shove it down Russell’s throat.

Jeff ends it with: “There is only one thing keeping the Foa Foa Four from being the Final Four. And his name is Brett.”

Jeff, why you hatin? Brett’s position is hard enough as it is, you don’t need to make it tougher. Oh wait. Are you jealous of him being a Prayer Warrior? Did you get kicked out of PW camp as a youngster and never got over it? Sent home in shame without a badge or a scripture loincloth?

Because that would explain a lot. Especially the part about you finding a little too much pleasure in saying the words “The tribe has spoken” and then sending sad people down a lonely path in the night.

Hmmm.

#101 - "Survivor: Samoa" - Episode 13

Right after Tribal, as they’re all traipsing back to camp, Russell immediately does damage control and corners Shambo, telling her lies about why he voted John out. He was gunning for you, and I didn’t tell you we were voting him out so you didn’t have to break the promise you made with him.

Shambo: “Okay. That’s cool. But next time it‘s DAVE.” Russell agrees. Just like he did the last time.

Gawd. These people will buy anything that Russell says.

Russell in a sidebar: “This is TOO easy.”

Roll opening credits.

Brett, Monica and Jaison are lounging on the beach, and Jaison tells them “Russell and I have been making all the decisions, I just let him be the bulldog.”

What? Jaison hasn’t done a damn thing since he set foot on the island.

Jaison in a sidebar: I just said all that so they would think I was strategizing all along. They’re going to be on the jury, and I want them on my side.

Well, that MIGHT work, but it also might bite you.

Back to the beach. Jaison also tells Brett and Monica that Russell told Mick that he has millions, doesn’t need the money. Whoops.

Time for what we think should be a Reward Challenge. But nope. Jeff tells them this will be an Immunity Challenge, no more rewards. They all look at each other like “this is SO not in the script.”

This time it’s a bowling tournament, where they use coconuts to knock down pins. It’s a round robin thing, rolling in pairs until you get to a final two. In her first roll, Shambo knocks down 9 of the 10 pins, and we’re all thinking, wow, Shambo does have a skill after all, other than the ability to grow copious amounts of hair that threaten to take over the planet.

Dave manages to actually get a strike his first time out. (The camera pans to Russell and Shambo, on the verge of tears.) Then Dave totally craps out in his next round and is eliminated. (The camera pans to Russell and Shambo doing a happy dance.)

It comes down to Shambo and Jaison. Shambo gets nothing on both of her rolls, going from superstar Pro Bowler to worthless nothing in a span of twenty minutes. Jaison manages to knock a few pins over, and wins Immunity.

Back at camp, Dave briefly meets with Monica. Dave: “Russell is going to start scrambling again. Listen to EVERYTHING he says.” Monica accepts her mission and scampers away to gather as many tidbits as she can.

Meanwhile, Russell gathers his little clan and tells them “It’s Dave.”

Mick in a sidebar: “Shambo wants Dave gone. Let’s keep her calm.” Mick, did you ever stop to think about what YOU might need in this game, and not what Yo Daddy and the Bush Woman might want?

Monica meets with Russell, asking him what’s going on. Russell: “Dave’s going home.” Monica: What about Shambo? Are you taking the right people to the end? The majority of the jury is Galu.

Very good point.

Russell in a sidebar: “I’ve got lots of options. One of them is keeping Dave. I’d win against him.”

So Russell goes to Dave. “I’ve been thinking about whether it should be you or Shambo.” They strategize a bit, and it really looks like Russell is agreeing to send Shambo home.

Russell in another sidebar: “I don’t need Shambo anymore.”

But this is Russell. You can’t trust anything coming out of any of his orifices.

Shambo: “I’m the Sham with the Plan. It’s tough to compete against me.” (She clearly lives in her own world. She’s only here because people are using her, mainly Russell.) “But if Dave doesn’t go home, Russell and I are going to have a little chat.”

Really? Is this going to be yet another exchange of words where you completely buy everything he has to say, even though he’s already burned you a couple times? That sort of chat?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Shambo: “What did you think about the last tribal?”

Sham: “I wouldn’t have voted John out, not in a million years. We were in this together.”

Jeff: “Working the jury are you?”

Sham: “No, I’m serious.”

See, this is an example of Jeff twisting things to make someone HE doesn’t like look bad. She had no intention of voting John out. Don’t care for Shambo, but Jeff doesn’t play fair. So Jeff, why aren’t you making comments that put Russell in a bad light? Oh, that’s right. You and the producers want him to stay in the game longer and keep the ratings high.

Jeff to Dave: “What’s the strategy now?”

Dave: “You need to align yourself with somebody that thinks they can win against you, so they will take you to the end.”

Russell: “It makes sense to get rid of the threats.”

Vote results? Everybody but Dave votes for Dave. (He voted for Shambo.) So, Russell, how did you get rid of a threat with that vote? You would have beaten Dave in the end. You might not beat Shambo.

Jeff: “For the first time since the merge, the original Foa Foa now has the numbers.” Uh, Jeff, they’ve had the numbers since Shambo flipped. Do they not keep you posted back at the swanky hotel where you stay while everybody else is eating rice and picking bugs off their bodies?

As the remaining survivors grab their torches and head out, Laura in the jury says to Brett “Stay stong!”. Okay, the jury is not supposed to talk at all. Are they now going to chain Laura in a hut somewhere for the other tribals?

Next morning, Russell wakes up with one thought: “The next target is Brett. He’s too nice.” Dude, Brett wasn’t even on your radar until Laura gave him some moral support. Are you THAT jealous of other people getting attention?

Mick meets with Russell, trying to see what’s going on. Russell: “Brett’s next.” Mick: “But who are you really planning to take to the end?” Russell: “I’m just talking about Brett right now.”

Mick, man, wise up. Russell is not even promising you anything at this point. He’s clearly not intending to keep you. If you don’t understand that after this exchange, you’re an idiot.

Russell in a sidebar: “Mick is freaking out. I’ve got to get him out NOW.”

See?

Another Immunity Challenge.

This one involves racing out into the water, untying bags, dragging them back to the beach, and then using this see-saw thing to flip them into a high tower. First to get all three bags in the tower wins. From the start, it’s a race between Brett, Mick and Russell. The rest of them are just diddling around and not accomplishing anything. Then Russell falls behind. In the end, Brett wins immunity.

Back at camp, Russell immediately races to his team and tells them to vote for Monica.

Later, Brett, Monica and Mick are on the beach. Brett and Mon try to tell Mick that Russell is taking Natalie and Shambo to the end. Mick fesses up: “I realize that’s a possibility. I’m very skeptical.”

Mick in a sidebar: “I’ve thought about getting rid of Russell.”

Then DO it. Don’t just think about it.

Mick to Jaison: “Are you sure that Russell is taking us to the end? I don’t wanna be caught off guard.”

Monica sidles up to Russell, and the girl lets go with all her ammo: “I think you’re keeping a lot of threats around… Jaison said you have the idol and can only play it until Day 36... And Natalie told me about the money you have.”

Russell leaps to his feet and immediately confronts Natalie.

Nat: “I didn’t DO it. I didn’t say anything.”

They both race to Brett. Russell: “Who told you about what I do for a living?” Brett: “Jaison.”

Russell races to Jaison: “Why did you tell?”

Jaison: “I didn’t.”

Jaison in a sidebar: “Maybe I did. I don’t remember.” You don’t remember? It was just a few hours ago and there were cameras all over the beach. You done stepped in it.

Next up is Mick, Jaison and Natalie all in a tither, wondering what to do about Russell going on a rampage, and attacking them in the process. Maybe it’s time to take him out?

You know MY answer to that. None of you three (slight possible exception of Natalie) are going to win against Russell in the final vote.

Then we have Russell in another sidebar: “Monica is a little bitch, she has to go. I am worried about Jaison, though.” Okay, let’s review. Jaison spilled the beans, Monica only repeated what she had been told, and yet she’s the villain?

It just kills me. I realize things are edited for maximum impact on this show. But come on, why is it that none of these people on this season have sat down and realized what Russell is all about? Hopefully the JURY has figured this out, so there’s some chance they will not vote for him, but if they couldn’t figure it out while they were on the island, they just might not be the brightest bulbs in the package.

Time for Tribal.

Russell puts on his hidden Immunity Idol right away. It’s an alpha dog move to show dominance and invincibility. Can’t stand him, but it’s a startling and good move.

Jeff to Shambo: “Are you surprised he has the idol?”

Sham: “I’m surprised by everything he does.” Yet you still trust him.

Then Monica comes lashing out, slamming Russell as many times as she can and joyously recounting how much fun it was watching him be so paranoid and race around the island trying to do damage control. It’s a very bold move, since Russell now clearly has the idol, but really, what other choice does she have? She knows she’s the target.

Then Mick, interestingly enough, makes a short speech that basically indicates he’s done with the games so far and there needs to be a new strategy. Really? Well, let’s see how you vote.

And so they vote.

When Jeff comes back with the little urn thing, and asks if anybody wants to play the hidden idol (meaning Russell, duh), Russell does NOT use it.

Which tells me that he already knows how the vote is going to go, because he is a paranoid little man who will use the idol in a heartbeat if he gets a whiff of concern, like he’s already done. Meaning he is still in control.

Everyone votes for Monica except Monica and Brett, who vote for Russell. Monica goes home.

So at this point, Mick, Jaison, Natalie and Shambo do not deserve to win. You know that Russell has been a powerhouse, and the history of Survivor shows that the jury tends to forget their grudges and vote for the player who has screwed everybody. This was your chance. He was so confident that he didn’t even play the idol. You could have blind-sided him.

Yes, he could have used the idol and negated your votes, meaning his single vote for Monica would have sent her home. Yet she went home anyway with your blessing. But he didn’t use the idol. Prime opportunity, lost.

The only one who took a stand was Brett, voting for Russell. (Monica, obviously, can’t vote for herself, so it’s no surprise she voted for Russell.)

Brett, dude, hope you keep winning immunity. Because you’re the only one left with any integrity at this point.

These other pansies and the arrogant,lying Cajun Daddy don’t deserve to win.

#100 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 27

We start out at South Fork, with Kimberly storming into the house and confronting JR, while Sue Ellen stands nearby, ears perked. “My father is dead!”

JR: “You’re the one that killed him.”

Kim: “I must have been out of my mind to go to bed with you.” (Well, yes you were, but do you really need to bring that up right now? Seriously.)

JR: “Your daddy lost the game.”

Kim: “A man’s life is not a game. You’re going to find that out.” She stomps away.

Sue Ellen to JR: “So that’s why you wanted to dump me.”

JR: “If you’d divorced me, that man would be alive today.”

Good ole JR. Shift the blame to everybody else, especially those who had nothing to do with anything.

Cut to Cliff’s office, where Casey waltzes in with maps of the crappy Tulsa field. Cliff is clearly whacked out on something. “I don’t wanna talk right now.” April shows up in the middle of this, and Cliff wanders right past her and out the door. April to secretary Jackie: “What the hell?” Jackie: “Pills. And something to do with JR.”

Hmm. That description can fit a lot of people on this show.

Bobby’s office, where some guy from the Department of Justice wants to see him. “You are NOT going to get the Ewing name back. We intend to see that it doesn’t happen. You Ewings got away with MURDER!” Bobby needs to have a talk with Phyllis, and let her know that she shouldn’t let such hateful people through the door or she won’t get another raise.

Now we’re in some church, where Kimberly is kneeling at one of the pews, presumably mourning her father, but since she’s wearing this atrocious scarf thing on her head, you really can’t feel any sympathy. Sue Ellen comes strolling up the aisle. (Why are neither one of these women bursting into flames?)

Sue Ellen comforts Kim, and they talk about JR being a total bastard. Sue: “JR’s drive to get Westar is what killed your daddy. If we let JR win, your daddy died for nothing.” Kimberly and her scarf: “But if the will doesn’t go through quickly, I may not be able to help.” They both look sad and the music swells.

Cut to JR, Casey and Sly celebrating Dr. Styles’ death. (Such nice people.) April shows up, with her hair. JR: “I now control Westar with your votes.” April: “I want a seat on the board.” JR: “Give me your proxies, I’ll give you a seat.” (Casey announces that he wants a seat, too, but JR just slaps him down.) Then they toast the dead man.

Quick scene with Bobby talking to Dave Culver and trampy Kay. They are both cautioning Bobby about doing something stupid to get revenge with Senator O’Dell or the Justice Department. Bobby and his hair look frustrated and anguished.

Over to Ray’s house, where Connie the Crazy Slut calls, missing him terribly. Ray: “Miss me? You hardly even know me.” She whines, he dismisses her and hangs up.

Now we’re over at Nick’s place, with Sue Ellen arriving at the door, sporting an ugly hairdo. (Note to the hair and makeup people: I’ve said this before. Quit making Linda Gray wear a bun. It does nothing for her, and certainly does nothing for your careers. Stop it.) Sue Ellen is just all distraught over this Westar thing and how it looks like JR is going to win. “What can I do?”

Nick: You’ve done what you can, unless you can get April or Cliff to go along with you.

Sue: Why do things fall apart. I though I mattered to you. Why are you treating me so poorly?

Nick: I’ve got a long story to tell you. You and your bun have a seat.

Bobby with Kay in Washington. They are getting all mushy and frisky, more of that “not buying this for a second” business, when Kay gets a call. She’s got to go, some work thing about a pending vote. He gets a little cranky about that as she flees out the door. (Bobby, settle down. People do have real jobs, not like yours when you only have to go into your office every other season or so.)

Back to Nick and Sue Ellen, where he’s finishing up his tawdry mafia and kidnapping tale.

Sue: “All of this because April was CURIOUS?”

Nick: “I was worried about you. You coulda ended up with a pair of cement shoes.” (Seriously, who has used an expression like that in the last 60 years, you lame-ass script writers?)

Sue: “I want to start a new life with you. If anything ever happened to you…” Then they start sucking face and rolling around.

Cliff shows up at JR’s office, looking strung-out and terrible. Cliff: “When are you making your Westar move, I don’t want that stock anymore.”

JR: “When I get voted chairman, you can finally use your land.”

Cliff: “I don’t believe you.” (Um, Cliff, JR is over THERE. Quit talking to the coffee pot.)

JR: “Would you like it in writing? Sly, come in here with your little tablet thing.” Then he looks back at Cliff: “Doing business with me is going to be the nicest experience you’ve ever had.”

Oh please.

Laurel meets with Clayton at some restaurant.

Laurel: “I didn’t expect to see you again. I’m leaving for London tomorrow.”

Clay: “Let’s say goodbye properly.”

Laurel: “I’m glad it’s over.” But she has an expression like she just tasted something nasty.

Clay: “Thanks to JR.”

Laurel makes some disparaging remarks about JR.

Clay: “You know JR?”

Laurel: “Um…”

Clayton realizes something is up, and he keeps digging until Laurel spills: “He told me he would bury the evidence about Brett Lomax unless I went to bed with him.”

Clay looks like someone just shoved a two-by-four in a very personal place.

Quick scene with Bobby in his office. Kay calls. “You have to understand my career.” Bobby: “We’ll talk later. Bye.” Well, good. Maybe the writers are ready to get rid of Kay and this whole stupid subplot. Hope so.

Then we have Connie the Crazy Slut sneaking into Ray’s house in the middle of the night. He’s asleep in bed, and she jumps on him, laughing and giggling. Ray wakes, understandably freaked, and he wants her out. NOW. She has no intention of leaving. There’s something of a struggle, he basically tells her to go to hell and never contact him again. She finally leaves, but we all know that crazy chick will be back.

Back at South Fork, Clayton confronts JR. “I saw Laurel this afternoon. What kind of man ARE you?”

JR: “She was all over me.”

Clay: “I got the autopsy report, which shows Shulton was smothered, and I would have been off the hook anyway.”

JR: “Why don’t we wake up Momma, see what SHE thinks about all of this.”

And it continues, with JR being a total bitch, and Clayton not being enough of a bitch. Clay, dude, WAKE Ellie up, and let her know what Sonny Boy did.

Next morning, still at South Fork, with Clayton and Ellie.

Clay: “I’ve never felt like I belonged here.”

Ellie: “That’s ridiculous.” (Oh, come on, Miss Ellie. You just spent at least 7 episodes acting like Clayton had slept with the entire country and was a mass murderer. Take some blame, here.)

Clay: “A man can’t spend his life walking around on eggshells. If I’m going to live here, it’s going to be MY house! Especially when it comes to JR!”

Wow. Miss Ellie perks up, sexual hormones suddenly racing through her system. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Cut to April at her restaurant that we’ve basically forgotten about, because she never goes there. She’s berating some serving girl for something pointless. Casey wanders in.

April and her hair, right to the point: “What are you up to, working with both JR and Cliff?”

Casey babbles something meaningless, because the script writers couldn’t think of a good comeback line.

April/hair: “I don’t want to see Cliff hurt. JR is squeezing him.”

Casey: “So it’s okay that YOU are working both sides?”

April/hair: “I’ve got the power. YOU don’t.”

High-five, sister girl.

Cut to Ray’s house, where he’s walking out the front door, only to discover that “R.K. luvs C.H.” has been painted on said front door in the middle of a heart. Oh boy.

JR waltzes into a Westar board meeting. JR tells them he’s ready to get down to business so he can be chairman of the board.

Kimberly waltzes in as well. “Wait a minute. I have all my daddy’s votes that he left me in a Living Trust.”

JR: “Doesn’t matter. I’m going to take this company.”

Kim: “You don’t have enough votes.” She smiles, and Sue Ellen marches in the door, looking stunning in a white suit, and this time they got the hair right.

Sue Ellen: “Hello, my love.”

JR: “This is the biggest mistake of your life.”

Sue: “I thought I was correcting one.”

Kimberly asks the rest of the assembled board members: “Anyone voting for Mr. Ewing?” Dead silence, crickets chirp, no one moves a muscle.

JR starts babbling, they still don’t have enough numbers to stop him.

Kim: “Oh wait, there’s someone else I’d like you to meet. They’re voting with me as well.”

And in walks Jeremy Wendell.

Holy cow. The writers got me with that one. Totally didn’t see it coming.

The board quickly votes Jeremy in as chairman, and then everybody is clapping and glaring at defeated JR.

JR: “I’ll never forget this, Sue Ellen.”

Sue Ellen: “I certainly hope not.”

#99 - "Survivor: Samoa" - Episode 12

We start out right after the end of the last tribal, with the survivors traipsing back to camp while the creepy night-vision cameras are rolling, and Shambo proclaiming to all that “Medusa has been dethroned.”

John tries explaining to Monica why he did what he did (flipped during the second tribal vote and sent Laura home). Monica nods as if she understands.

Then we go to Laura in a sidebar: “John is the Judas of the Galu tribe.” (Girl, I told you last time that Galu is no longer a tribe of any sort. Are you not reading the blog?) “John has to go home.”

Roll opening credits.

Next morning, we have packets of money for everybody in the tree mail, which can only mean one thing. Time for the Survivor auction. So we go do that, with everybody all excited because somebody is going to get food, somebody is going to buy something pointless, and somebody is going to get something to help them out in the game. That’s just how it goes.

Right away, Natalie spends 200 dollars for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She tears into it with a look that says sex will never be as satisfying as this for the rest of her life.

Then Shambo spends 240 dollars for a covered object, which turns out to be Survivor spaghetti, meaning nasty sea creatures with some parmesan sprinkled on top. This thrilled me to no end. Shambo asks Jeff: “Does this have any protein in it? I really need protein.” Jeff just looks at her. “I have no idea.” You got a crappy prize, somebody always gets one, go sit down.

Monica spends 340 dollars on what turns out to be an entire roasted chicken. She grabs her booty and runs back to her seat, ripping the legs off the bird and practically sucking the marrow out of the bones.

Jaison spends all 500 of his dollars on an advantage in the next Immunity challenge. Smart move. As everyone knows, the food is fun and all, but Immunity is goal number one in this game.

Mick blows all of his 500 on a cheeseburger and a glass of beer.

Then we get to the next offering, which is a clue about the hidden Immunity Idol. So right away I’m thinking, okay, Russell already has the latest Immunity Idol. Does this mean there’s a NEW one, or are the producers being really cruel?

And during the bidding, no one seems to notice that Russell is not trying for this prize at all. That should be a really big clue to the other survivors. He’s obviously got an idol, or he would at least make a bid. But this realization sails over the heads of the other players. In the end, John bids the highest for the clue.

Natalie then wins a Survivor shower (meaning you have to take it right there, with your privates barely covered by a tiny wooden door on the shower) and some clean underwear. Throughout the rest of the auction, we can hear Natalie moaning in delight as the water cascades over her body. CBS likes to pretend this is a family show, blurring butt cracks and bouncing man parts, but it’s fine for us to hear a naked woman having an orgasm behind a tiny door. Hypocrites.

Oh wait. They blur the man bits except when it comes to Russell. Have you noticed that this season? His tackle is allowed to bounce all over the place and there’s never a blur. Interesting, don’t you think?

Finally, a big slice of apple pie is up for bids. John wins this one. As he’s about to take his slice, Jeff proposes an alternative. He can give up his slice, not getting any himself, but can then have four slices to give to fellow tribe members. John opts to keep his slice, saying “surely they’re not going to vote me out over a piece of pie.” Dude. This is Survivor. They can vote you out if you sneeze at the wrong time.

Then the auction is over.

Back at camp, John opens the clue to the Immunity Idol, then heads out. To be honest, the wording of the clue, and the place the clue leads him, does not look anything like the place where Russell found his latest idol. So I’m still not sure if there’s a new idol or not. In any case, John only searches for about three minutes and then gives up.

These people are so lame. It kills me. If you want to win this game, why would you not search for hours on end to find the Idol? Don’t stroll up, turn over one rock, and then head back to the hammock for a snooze. Are you really that confident in your standing in the tribe?

Cut to Shambo at the chicken coop, telling her little friends that they are going to eat them today, saying her goodbyes and that she’ll see them in heaven. It’s close to being very touching. Then Shambo explains that she’d had conversations with the chickens, and they would answer her. So she’s back in the psycho category.

In the end, it’s Russell who actually lops off the heads of the chickens. (No surprise there, right? Very symbolic.) Shambo doesn’t want anything to do with this part of the process, standing off to the side. “Tell me when the chickens stop screaming.”

The Silence of the Chickens.

But Shambo is determined to do the actual cooking when it comes to her former little friends. She starts prepping for an elaborate process, telling the viewing audience that she knows all about cooking.

Dave wanders by, wanting to know how it’s going, and he’s not impressed that Shambo plans to boil the chickens for two hours rather than roast them. He voices his objections. After all, HE’S the one who won the chickens to begin with. They’re really his. He should have some say in all this.

Shambo goes postal, and shouting ensues. Neither one is impressed with the other’s existence by this point. Shambo in a sidebar about how furious she is with Dave: “Red Code Alert. Shannon has lost her mind.”

Really? Just now? I’m thinking THAT ship has sailed.

Nevertheless, Shambo is now focused on a mission. She runs to tell Russell that Dave has to go.

Russell runs to tell Natalie that Dave has to go. And so it begins.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one involves holding a rope attached to a leaning log, and you slowly let out lengths of the rope until the leverage point is too much and you drop the log. Jaison manages to win this one, probably because he bought that Immunity Challenge advantage and got to skip a few rounds of letting out another length of rope. Interestingly enough, Dave is the next to last guy out.

Shambo in a sidebar: “I am in a position of power. Dave is SO gone.”

Mick in a sidebar: “We need Shambo’s vote, so it’s Dave.”

John meets with Russell, wanting Russell to hold up his end of the Laura agreement that a Foa Foa would be next. Russell suggests that Mick should go. (And I don’t believe him for a second.)

Russell in a sidebar: “John has to go because he knows I have the Idol.”

Russell goes to Dave: “Get rid of John. It will be YOU if it’s not John.” Dave scampers off to see how many votes he can round up.

Russell goes to Mick, telling him that John is now the target and he‘s got some Galu votes to back it up. Mick’s concerned. How can we trust Galu? Russell tells him that Dave is way too scared not to go along with this and make it work.

Mick goes to Jaison with this latest plan. And Jaison is not happy. “You piss off Shambo, and we tie at tribal, she will flip. This is EXACTLY what Galu did to HER.”

Words of wisdom, people. Has Russell really weighed the odds here? Focusing on John for personal reasons instead of overall strategy? On the flip side, he’s once again using a desperate person (Dave) to do his dirty work for him.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff asks “how was the mood in camp today?”

Shambo: It was peaceful. No game play.

Russell: Today was all strategy.

Shambo looks perplexed.

Jeff to Shambo: How can you possibly be surprised that there was strategy today? Right before tribal?

Jeff asks “will the person who’s going home tonight be shocked?”

Russell: They will be shocked.

Shambo: No shock at all.

See, Jeff is all but telling Shambo that something is up and she needs to realize that. But she’s in her own little world. Although it is fair to say that she has a very confused look on her face by the time it gets down to the vote.

And the voting results?

1 for Mick.

1 for Dave.

6 for John.

Shambo first glares at Russell, then glares at everybody else. They all voted against what she wanted.

Laura, sitting in the jury box: “She has no idea what happened.”

Geez. Can you imagine what the next episode is going to be like, with Shambo outraged and missing her chickens? And maybe some folks figuring out that Russell pulled a flip at the last minute for his own personal gain? Holy cow.

See ya then.

#98 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 26

So we start things out with Ray and that Connie tramp awaking “the morning after” in some bed, presumably hers, although this is not verified. They obviously had some alcohol-infused fun last night, and as Ray realizes this he tries to skedaddle out the door. The slut tries to stop him.

Connie: “Your marriage is over!”

Ray: “I didn’t say that.”

Then he stupidly tries to leave some money on the dresser, like THAT move is going to calm the situation.

Connie: “You think I’m a whore!” (This girl is very dramatic.)

Ray: “Gotta go, see ya.”

Cut to Bobby and the evil, bribe-seeking Senator O’Dell. The senator still wants his castle. Bobby lets him know that the price is too high. The senator dismisses him and lets Bobby find his own way out.

Over at South Fork, JR is tormenting Clayton. “You cheated on Momma and there’s that homicide thing, but I admire your taste in bed partners.” Clay is not pleased with this conversation, telling JR “Don’t push your luck!” in an angry voice. Of course, no one really believes Clayton will actually do anything, but it’s nice to think that maybe JR paused for two seconds before venturing out the door to destroy the career of yet another person he doesn’t like.

Bobby calls secretary Phyllis, and asks her to find all the scoop she can on Senator O’Dell. Phyllis hops right to it. Then Kay waltzes in to wherever Bobby is making the phone call, and they get all mushy-faced. Not really buying their relationship at all. Have I mentioned that?

Casey drops by Pill-Poppin Cliff’s office. Casey: “The Westar stock went up. I’d like to work with you.” (What these things have to do with each other, I really don’t know.) Cliff, chewing on another pill: “Just what do you want?” Casey babbles about the dusty Tulsa land that Daddy left him. Cliff: “Send me a map.”

Really Cliff? The piece of crap land that JR didn’t want? Of course, maybe you don’t know that part. And even if you do, your little pill friends might be making you not care.

JR shows up at Laurel’s apartment, belching fake apologies.

Laurel: “I’m going home. I’m sick of the reporters.” (What reporters? We haven’t seen any since the last episode, and you weren’t in that scene.)

JR: “I’ve got a place you can stay. Of course, I’m doing this for Clayton.” (Right.)

Laurel: “Okay, give me two days and I’ll be ready.” (You fool. And what do you need to do that’s going to take two days? You were about to leave for England five minutes ago.)

Then Brett Lomax, the Ex, comes walking in. He’s all snotty to JR (good), but JR doesn’t care. He’s already set his trap for Laurel and he’s quite happy. He heads out of the apartment. Then stops outside the door to eavesdrop.

Laurel: “I’m NOT having an affair with ANYONE.”

Brett: “NO ONE is going to get in my way.”

Oh? JR’s eyes light up with this revealing tidbit, then off he goes.

Cut to South Fork, where it’s dinner time, and JR and Bobby are bickering with each other. (It’s amazing how quickly Bobby gets back and forth between Dallas and Washington, isn’t it?) Then JR bitches for a little bit about Clayton. We learn nothing in this scene, they should have saved the money for something else.

Later, Ellie’s in her room, and Clay stops by. He’s a little miffed that Ellie didn’t stop by to say goodnight. (I guess it’s slipped Clay’s mind that Ellie is still very mad at him.) Ellie doesn’t want to talk, which causes Clay to lose his cool a little bit. “I’m a pariah around here! Are we together or not?”

Miss Ellie gets all crinkled up on cue, and fesses that she wants him here, that she doesn’t want a divorce. She’s just very hurt and it will take time for the scars to heal. Clay: “But do you love me?” Ellie: “I do.” Then they dramatically clench and kiss.

Thank GOD that secondary plot line is now over, with Ellie’s trumped up scorn and fury over something that Clayton didn’t even do. Miss Ellie NEVER stays mad for very long. If she did, she would have had JR institutionalized years ago.

Sue Ellen is at her office, pretending to study some report that’s really blank, when Nick arrives.

Sue: “I’m ready to buy Westar stock. Thirty million dollars worth.” (Like this is pocket change to her.)

Nick, trying to hide his disappointment: “There’s no other reason that you needed to see me?”

Sue: “Nope. YOU’RE the one that put US on hold.”

Fine. Nick: “Don’t buy the stock, it’s too high.”

Sue: “I want the stock. I want to stop JR.”

Nick: “You’re willing to risk everything to get what you want?”

Sue Ellen stares at him pointedly for a moment, then pretends to be interested in the blank report again. “Yes. Buy the stock.” Dismissed.

Quick scene where JR meets Harry outside some restaurant. Harry has spotted Brett inside. JR rushes in and has a pointless conversation. (Brett: “You’re rather a crude type.” JR: “Laurel is not leaving town.”) Brett leaves in disgust. Harry and a photographer come rushing out of the bushes, apparently having taken pictures of Brett. They are all very excited about this.

Cut to Bobby’s office, where Phyllis is explaining that she couldn’t find a thing on Senator O’Dell. Maybe JR has the files. Bobby is sad. He really wanted to find something he could use against O’Dell. Phyllis sighs (these dang Ewing men), then cheerfully asks Bobby what the difference is between O’Dell wanting a bribe and Bobby wanting to blackmail him with old dirt? Bobby looks even more sad. Phyllis goes to make coffee.

Now we’re at Ray’s house, where Connie shows up again. (Does she live down the street? What’s going on here?) Connie: “I’m more than a one-night stand. I know you haven’t heard from Jenna.” (Has she tapped the phone line?) Ray: “Let’s go to dinner.” Connie squeals and they rush out the door.

Stupid Ray.

Cut to Cliff’s condo, where April knocks on the door, sporting a hideous Gloria Swanson turban thing for no apparent reason. The camera briefly lands on the coffee table, letting us know that Cliff is reading a book entitled “Oil, Sex and Power.” (What the hell?) April: “We have a lot to talk about. The Ewings are taking us both on a ride.” Then they start drinking and bonding. Still no explanation for the turban.

Then we have Bobby staring into a fireplace, presumably at South Fork, but you never know, he could already be back in Washington again. It’s been at least ten minutes since we’ve see him.

JR walks up. “We haven’t talked lately.”

Bobby: “We haven’t had a civilized relationship in a long time.”

JR: “I wanna share offices again. I miss you. You know that Daddy always wanted us to work together.”

Bobby’s obviously not buying this. “That’s very nice. Now, what do you really want? You want something from me.”

Another quick scene, this one showing a drunken Ray and Connie tumbling into her bed once again. Great.

Then Bobby’s in Washington again. (See? You turn your back to get another beer and that boy is in a different city.) He’s meeting with Senator O’Dell, and is being rude, fully expecting that Bobby is going to give him the castle he wants. “I know you had your secretary search your files. I know how this works. Did you bring the deed?”

Bobby: “Of course I did. But it’s a 99-year trust. And it starts the day I get the Ewing Oil name back.” Then Bobby just smiles.

Laurel’s at her shiny new apartment that JR has arranged for her, when he knocks on the door, grinning with his news: Harry found two witnesses using the photographs they snapped of Brett Lomax. Turns out, Brett is the one who actually killed David Shulton, slipping into the apartment after Clayton had left and finishing the job. Hurray!

Laurel: “I can’t believe it. I’m so grateful!”

Then JR moves in for the kill. “Harry’s holding Brett at the airport, waiting on a call from me. If I don’t get what I want, he’ll let Brett go.” He starts pawing Laurel.

She’s outraged, and starts to fight back. JR: “If you don’t do this, Clayton will go to jail.” He starts ripping at her clothes.

JR is just the nicest guy, isn’t he? Bastard.

Cut to Dr. Styles in the little war room at his mansion, where an assistant comes racing up with the news that Sue Ellen Ewing just bought a big-ass chunk of Westar stock.

Dr. Styles: “Oh my God, that’s terrible!”

Then Kimberly waltzes in, like she’s at a fashion show in Paris. “Great news. She’s going to vote on OUR side.”

Dr. Styles: “Everybody! Gather around. We’ve won!”

Then he promptly collapses to the ground, and it doesn’t look good. Kimberly, given this great dramatic moment to show her acting chops with a wrenching, emotional performance, instead confirms that she will not be winning an Emmy this year. She’s terrible.

Final scene is at South Fork, where JR tells Clayton and the rest of the gang about his glorious involvement in identifying Brett Lomax as the real killer, and that Clayton won‘t be going to the slammer. That his only motive in this was to keep the family together. Miss Ellie beams at her loving son with tear-filled eyes. The rest of the clan is not so beaming, certain that there’s more to the story, but they act happy anyway.

JR: “You have no idea what getting Clayton off the hook meant to me.” Then he smiles.

Blech.

#97 - "Survivor: Samoa" - Episode 11

Okay, folks, this was one of those recap episodes where they promise exciting, “never-before-seen” footage that will astonish and amaze you. And while you do get to see some slightly intriguing fresh footage, there’s nothing here that will change your view of anyone in the game, so this review will be a quick one.

Some highlights, if you can call them that:

Erik really, really liked good Russell, before Russell had to be evacuated from the show for medical reasons (and before Erik was blind-sided out of the game). I didn’t catch their bond the first time around. Probably because I never heard half of what Erik was saying because he was always standing in the trunk of that damn tree.

Jaison had some surprisingly harsh words for John right after one of the competitions where John was playing dirty, threatening to come after his butt and finish what John started. I have no idea why they cut this out of the original episode, because it shows that Jaison does have some fire after all, and doesn’t just stand around and whine all the time like we usually see.

Then we get to see a lot more about the “Erik wanting to catch the chicken that Shambo let loose” thing. This guy was really obsessed with the quest, constantly on the alert and getting all philosophical. “You gotta be smarter than the chicken, not stronger than the chicken.”

Lots of scenes with him running pointlessly after the chicken, waving a giant piece of tree that he was apparently going to clobber the chicken with, an act that I’m sure would not sit well with PETA. He even constructs a four-point trap out of netting, with a release mechanism you can set off to snare the renegade fowl if she should step under the net and investigate the bait. And this actually eventually works. But guess who pulled the release to make it happen?

Shambo.

Erik was off hunting crabs at the time. Go figure.

Then there’s an interesting scene where bad Russell, who keeps swearing to the camera that he is NOT going to tell anybody that he’s wealthy, fesses up to Mick that he’s a millionaire. They high-five and bond over that. Russell is just so full of himself that he can’t keep his mouth shut.

Mick in a sidebar: Would I use that information against Russell if I had to? Hell yeah.

We learn that at some point after the merge, Russell unlocked the chicken coops so they can get out again. But there are no follow up scenes to see if they really did. He’s such a sweet guy.

There’s a frustrating scene with Shambo and Laura on the beach, supposedly getting some sun. Shambo suddenly has an emotional breakdown while talking about an older sister who passed from cancer, completely understandable, and Laura is trying to be comforting. Remember, these two can’t stand each other (why they were even on the beach together is mystifying), but Laura puts that aside and does the right thing.

Yet right afterward, in a sidebar, Shambo tears Laura apart for not showing any sympathy. Yet she DID.

Folks, Shambo is just not all there. Something got twisted somewhere along the line. And her people skills, if you can call them that, completely suck, but she just doesn’t get that and doesn’t know how to read people or conduct herself.

And finally, Brett has the most prophetic line, right before a certain eviction: “Voting out Erik will shape the rest of the game.”

Which is exactly what has happened.

That’s about it, not much of anything really revealing. So, to thank you for stopping by to read a review about a traditionally boring recap episode, let me flesh this out a bit with my thoughts on the remaining players, alphabetical order:

Brett: Seems to have some smarts, was the only Galu to really question evicting Erik, physically strong. And he’s completely under the radar at this point. Actually has a decent shot.

Dave: Not as smart as he thinks he is. (“There’s no way Russell can have another immunity idol, forget about that.”) Buddy, that attitude knocked an undeserving Kelly out of the game. And dial down the attitude a little bit. That can cost you.

Jaison: Doesn’t really deserve to be here. He’s whined about wanting to go home since the first few days. In his favor, Russell NEEDS him right now, until the numbers get smaller. And again, not on anyone’s radar. But still. Quit whining and man up.

John: Pompous ass. And already marked for possible elimination a couple of times, even by his own tribe when the tribes were still split. His best shot is to put together an alliance that will take Russell out, because that’s the man to beat right now. But chances are slim.

Mick: Fifty-fifty. Not on the radar just yet, but he’s not playing this game. He’s following the direction of other people (Russell) and not making a plan of his own. No real alliance, because Jaison could quit at any time, and Russell will drop him the second he doesn’t need him.

Monica: Possible slider for a while. But her biggest weakness is that she won’t let go of the hope that the former Galu will stick together. Shambo: “Purple is GONE.” Understand that, sister.

Natalie: Great potential, would not surprise me if she makes it to the end. And if she does, I hope people will put two and two together and realize that, although Russell may have had the grand ideas, it’s Natalie that did the footwork. She’s the one who actually orchestrated the eviction of Erik, which changed the game. She’s got to stay strong, and understand that she might have to cut Russell at a critical point.

Russell: Although it pains me to say this, it’s his to win if he makes it to the end. He’s lied and maneuvered hard to get what he wants. If the jury makes its decision based on play and not the player, like they usually do, he’s guaranteed some votes in the end. But two weak points. The game play lately has been more about Galu falling apart and not strategizing instead of about Russell scheming, and if the jury compares notes and realizes that Russell has lied to everybody AND he doesn’t need the money, he could be in trouble. And I suppose there’s a possible third weak point: Shambo. Russell is going to cut her the second he’s done with her, and she could wreak havoc on the jury.

Shambo: The only way she can win right now is if Russell stays alive, he has a change of heart and decides to take her to the end, and the jury has discovered Russell’s lies. But as Russell constantly says, he thinks women are weak and stupid. He’ll probably cut her, and Shambo doesn’t have any other friends, real or imagined.

Then again, this IS Survivor, and all of the above can become moot points in a single eviction.

And so it goes…

#96 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 25

We start out at the police station, with Clay being released on bail. Then he, Harv Smithfield, Bobby, and Miss Ellie (looking pained and pinched, naturally) head out the doors. And of course, these doors lead to a very long hallway, with rabid reporters waiting at the other end, yelling stupid questions. So the four of them huddle up and march forward, and we get lots of dramatic music as they do so.

Cut to Cliff’s office, where Casey has just showed up and wants to talk business. Cliff initially wants nothing to do with Casey (“I SAW you with JR’s secretary!”), but after Casey convinces Cliff that they both share the same daddy issues, Cliff at least listens to him. What does Casey want Cliff to do? Buy Westar stock.

Back at South Fork, Clay wants to speak with Miss Ellie privately. He thanks her for showing up at the police station and all that. Maybe we can work things out? Ellie: “Nothing’s changed. The Ewings band together when things like this happen. Until this is OVER, you have our support.” In other words, get back in your dog house and shut up. Then Miss Ellie wanders off to see if Teresa has polished the silverware.

Ray’s at his house, moping around because Jenna and Charlie are supposedly off getting Charlie set-up in her prison cell at the School for Misbehaving Child Actors. Connie (the flat-tire tramp) phones Ray. How about we do dinner? Ray politely declines. Connie squelches her hormones for the moment. Maybe we’ll run into each other soon?

Of course they will. This set-up is taking forever. Let’s get to whatever is supposed to happen.

Sue Ellen shows up at April’s condo, and the conversation goes something like this:

Sue Ellen: Have you seen Nick lately? (Translation: I am VERY horny.)

April: Why are you so worried? (Are you sleeping with him?)

Sue Ellen: We’ve been getting… close. (Yes)

April: I can’t find him either. I need to buy some Westar stock. (But I’m not trying all that hard. Last time I went looking for him I got kidnapped and I broke a nail.)

Sue Ellen: I can’t believe you’re going along with JR on this Westar thing. (Bitch.)

April: JR’s actually helped me out in the past. (Out of bed.)

Sue Ellen: “The one joy in my life is stopping JR from getting Westar.”

Bobby gets a call from Kay, the strumpet in Washington. There’s some bad buzz with the Clayton killing somebody thing, better get up here. Bobby: “Be there in the morning.”

At South Fork, JR pulls Miss Ellie aside. JR: “I’m MAD about Clayton being back in this house. He’s a disgrace to the family.” Ellie: “You’re a fine one to talk.” JR: “Clayton was out and out cheatin with that bimbo.” Miss Ellie snaps: “Compared to YOU, Clayton is a saint!”

At the sparsely-populated South Fork breakfast table the next morning, JR tries to get some intel from little Christopher: “Your daddy’s away a lot. Any idea where he goes?” Great, JR. Even ugly little children are fair game for your scheming.

Clayton walks in, all awkward and everything. He apologizes if his actions have upset folks. And of course, JR jumps all over that opening, talking about Clayton sleeping with that tramp and then killing her boyfriend. When Miss Ellie tries to shut him up, he pouts with “I’m just telling the truth!”

Sue Ellen: “That would be a first.”

Cut to Laurel wandering down some sidewalk, looking tragic and haggard. Her weird ex-boyfriend drives up (isn’t he supposed to be back home in England?), explaining that he’s only here to support her, no strings attached. Laurel seems to think that’s a splendid idea and they wander some more down the sidewalk.

Then we’re in Washington, where Bobby is meeting with the senator that is supposedly upset with Clayton’s shenanigans. Turns out, he’s not bothered by that at all. What he really wants to do is help Bobby get the Ewing Oil name back. All Bobby has to do is buy the senator a retirement home in Scotland for a couple million. Bobby just leaves, refusing to even shake the jerk’s hand.

Zip over to South Fork, where Miss Ellie is sitting there looking sad. Of all people, Laurel shows up. “I’m looking for you, to tell the truth.” Ellie gets kind of bitchy with her, and Laurel eventually leaves, but not before telling Ellie that “Clayton needs your love and support.”

Laurel walks out onto the infamous driveway where nobody ever seems to know how to park, and here comes JR, salivating at seeing her here. He wants to know all about her affair with Clayton.

Laurel: “It wouldn’t be lurid enough to turn you on. I’ve met men like you.”

I really enjoyed that line.

Cut to Cliff in his office, taking more pills, and Kimberly Cryder walks in. (What is up this episode with all these people waltzing into places they don’t normally belong?) She’s here on a business deal. She knows that Cliff bought all that Westar stock. Kim wants Cliff to meet her father and stop JR.

Cliff: “What if I don’t want to be in this fight?”

Kimberly: “Call me.”

JR calls Harry, the dirty police detective, and tells him to go pick up Laurel and bring her to his office. When Harry starts to protest that he doesn’t have any legal right to do that, JR yells at him to just do it and then slams the phone down. Poor Laurel. Now she’s got another Ewing stalking her, when all she wants to do is trim her little miniature trees.

Bobby and Kay, dancing again somewhere. He’s all flustered about Senator O’Dell trying to blackmail him. Kay: “What would your father have done?” Bobby looks all confused and sad, which is the expression he gives when he’s contemplating doing something naughty.

Sue Ellen is in her office, and Nick shows up for his “appointment.” Nick: “Nothing has changed between us.” Sue Ellen: “But what is going ON?” Nick: “Can’t tell. It’s a family matter.” Sue Ellen: “I can understand family issues.” Nick: “We can only do business together, no meeting alone, ever. I’ll be in touch.” And then he’s gone again.

Poor Sue Ellen. She doesn’t have ANYONE stalking her, when all she wants to do is be stalked. A lot.

JR’s office, and Laurel storms in, completely fed up with JR’s trick, while Harry stands in the background, looking sheepish, and then he scampers away. JR goes right into aggressive overdrive, digging for information and telling total lies about what his intentions are. Then his horniness surfaces.

JR: “I’d have bedded you.”

Laurel: “If I live to be a thousand, I’d never let you touch me.” She storms back out.

Cut to Ray’s house. He answers the front door to find Flat-Tire Connie standing there, holding a bag of groceries. She’s going to make dinner for him. Poor Ray. All he wants to do is pretend that he misses Jenna and that brat Charlie, and here’s this irritating stalker woman that insists on cooking for him.

Clayton and Miss Ellie meet with lawyer Harv, and he has some grim news about Clayton‘s legal standing. With the way things appear, the best they can hope for is involuntary manslaughter. Then they just sit there. I guess for dramatic effect. Clay looks depressed, Ellie looks like she could wrinkle her face at any moment, and Harv looks like he’s calculating how much money he’s made over the years on Ewing criminal cases.

Cut back to Ray’s house. He and Connie are apparently bonding over a bottle of wine. Ray ends up telling her he’s glad she came by, it’s been a little lonely. Connie smiles a discreet victory smile, then heads off to “clean up the kitchen” which probably means she’s going to slip into a thong and some high heels.

The phone rings. He has a short conversation with what appears to be Jenna, but we can only hear his side of the conversation since there’s not really anybody at the other end of the prop phone.

Connie comes back in, not quite thonged just yet. “Bad news?”

Ray: “They hate the school, and have decided to just travel Europe for a while.” (How convenient for the script writers!)

Connie: “Is there something I can do?” (Like what, Connie? Go get them and bring them back?)

Ray: “Let’s go drink!” They grab their things and head out the door. Gee. I wonder how THIS night is going to end?

Cut to Kimberly’s father, Dr. Styles, sitting somewhere in his fancy mansion. Kimberly arrives with Cliff, and she’s all excited about getting the two of them together.

Styles to Cliff: I want you to join me fighting JR. Maybe a position in the company. Maybe a merger.

Cliff: “I hope this war explodes and blows both of you to hell and back!” Then he storms out.

As the door slams, Dr. Styles has some sort of attack and reaches for his oxygen. Kimberly runs to tend to him, looking anguished, but still manages to keep her good side facing the camera.

Daddy Styles: “I think we’ve lost.”

Cut to JR’s office (that place was BUSY this episode), and Kimberly shows up, ready to broker a deal, but JR is apparently not in the mood.

Kim: I want to call the whole thing off. No marriage. I’ll convince Daddy.

JR: I wanna break him and take Westar over.

Kim: “One way or another, I will stop you.”

End trans.

#95 - Survivor: Samoa - Episode 10

We start out with some weird, slightly over-lapping night-vision images of the survivors after tribal. It reminds me of the odd images they used at the beginning of the episode where good Russell was taken out of the game. So is somebody else going down? Or is somebody just being artsy and proving they went to film school? Don’t really know.

Then we have bad Russell, swinging in a hammock, boasting about how wonderful he is.

Sidebar with Laura, where she’s really shocked about Russell’s power play. “We should have known better.”

Cut to Russell and Shambo inside the tent. They are really proud of themselves, and Shambo is just cackling away. Really loud. This is right after tribal, and everybody can hear them whooping it up. Maybe not the exact wording, but definitely the attitude.

If there’s anyone on Galu at this point that doesn’t suspect Shambo has flipped, then they’re idiots.

Roll opening credits.

Early next morning, Russell is out looking for the redeployed idol, while everybody is still sleeping. Can’t stand him, but you have to give him credit. He’s out working and the others are doing nothing.

Sidebar with Shambo, where she’s hatin all over Laura, calling her a viper and a beast and anything else she can come up with considering her limited vocabulary.

Shambo approaches John on the side. “There IS no purple power.” It’s time to change things up. Be my sixth vote, help me get Laura out. John doesn’t immediately commit. But he promises not to tell anyone that she asked.

John in a sidebar: “I’m the only one who knows that Shambo has flipped.” Now he’s just got to decide how and if to use this information.

Then we’re off to the Reward Challenge. The prize this time involves a picnic at a waterfall, and the use of a Palm Pre. (Irritatingly, Jeff goes on and on about the Palm Pre, harping on its god-like powers. Gee, I wonder who was one of the major sponsors for this episode? Hmm.)

Anyway, this challenge involves two teams. One member on each team lays face down in a cradle, then is hoisted up in the air. The rest of the team uses ropes and pulleys to guide the cradle around so the player can snatch up flags and place them in order on another log.

Natalie, the snatcher on the purple team, is amazing. She shimmies off the end of the cradle, barely hanging on by her feet, with her business flopping around and all that. She slams through the flags, finishing way before they yellow team.

Natalie, Russell, Dave, Laura and Brett head off to the waterfall reward.

Where they get to eat, obviously, but they also take an amazing number of pictures with the Palm Pre, demonstrating to the viewing audience just how badly they need to purchase this sponsor’s product.

Meanwhile, back at camp, Jaison and Mick are working Monica, trying to get her to “be their sixth”. Monica: “But that would only make five.” They promise her that someone has already flipped, they just won’t say who. Monica isn’t convinced, but does say that if she joins them, she wants John out.

Over at the waterfall, they discover that the Palm Pre has clues about the hidden immunity idol, including a short video of the rock where the idol is buried. (See, people in the audience! The Palm Pre can help you win Survivor! Buy one now!)

As soon as they get back from the waterfall, Russell races to Mick and Jaison, giving them the idol clues, and off they go into the forest. Dave and Laura see this, and chase after them.

So the five of them are scrambling, checking under rocks for the idol. At one point, Dave gets to a rock before Russell can, but he doesn’t find anything under it. Russell studies the rock. He thinks that’s the one.

Suddenly Russell just takes off running, which obviously gets Dave and Laura’s attention and away they go. Russell purposely loses them in the jungle, and goes back to the last rock Dave moved. He shoves it aside, digs deeper BEHIND where the rock had been sitting, and finds another idol.

Unbelievable.

Later, Monica goes to Laura. “I don’t trust two people on our tribe.” Shambo and John. Laura in a sidebar: “I have to win this challenge.”

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one is a two-parter. First, you have to break one of your hanging tiles in order to win a spear. In the second round, you have to throw your spear at a target and get closest to the center. If you don’t break a tile in the first round, you’re out.

When Laura is unable to break her tile, and is therefore eliminated in the first round, Shambo busts out laughing and actually high-fives Russell. What a great sport she is. Bitch.

In the end, Mick wins immunity. Russell and Shambo don’t care. Their target is now vulnerable at tribal. Shambo leaves the challenge still laughing and grinning.

Later, Shambo pulls Brett aside and tells him she’s voting Laura. “There is NO more Galu.” Brett asks if she can be swayed in any way. Nope.

After that, things get a little crazy as last-minute strategizing explodes.

Dave and Laura approach John. We need to get rid of Russell. John: “The vote is Natalie. She’s the least likely to have the idol ‘cause she didn’t look for it.”

Then we have a sidebar with John, where he rants about the pathetic analytical skills of the former Galu. This goes on for a while. He really doesn’t like them. I really don’t like John and his pompous attitude.

Monica, Dave and Brett hatch a plan to make Foa Foa think Monica is voting for John, which might pull the Foa Foa focus off of Laura, and then Galu will really go after Natalie.

Monica goes to Russell and Mick to try to make this work. They aren’t sure what to think about this. After she leaves, Foa Foa discusses and Russell thinks they should go tell John.

John wanders up to Brett, wanting to know what the plan is. Brett tells him that Monica is off convincing Foa Foa that they are voting for him, when they are not. John’s not hip with that and lets the Galu schemers know he’s not going to play this game.

John meets with Russell, with Russell saying he knows Galu is trying to swindle them with the John angle. Foa Foa is ready to go for a tie at tribal. (If there’s a tie vote at tribal, they have a re-vote where you can only vote for those in the tie, and those in the tie can’t vote. If it’s still a tie, then everybody draws rocks and ANYONE could go home.) Russell tells John that the switch has to happen on that second vote.

John wants a deal with Russell. If he votes to send a Galu home, then a Foa Foa has to go next. Of course Russell agrees to this. He’ll agree to anything and then do whatever he wants.

In a sidebar, it doesn’t appear that John is willing to jump ship just yet. But who knows.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff focuses the whole discussion on how, at this point, a flip is very possible. “We’ve got a really interesting night in store for us.” We could go to a tie, and someone could go home by drawing a rock. Jeff really drives home the implications of a double tie

They vote. Five for Laura. Five for Natalie.

Second vote. Five for Laura. Three for Natalie (Laura and Natalie can’t vote.)

Laura’s going home. Shambo busts out laughing again, with Russell chuckling and grinning like he owns it all. At least Natalie, Mick and Jaison had the decency to politely sit there.

So John flipped.

Erik sitting in the jury: “And there goes the lead…”

End credits.

P.S. Did you buy a Palm Pre yet?

#94 - Survivor: Samoa - Episode 9

So we march back to camp after tribal.

Russell is REALLY worried that he’s the next one out. Well, dude, you shouldn’t have used the idol. You didn’t get a single vote, you paranoid little man who talks all big but freaks the first time there’s a whiff of trouble.

Laura: “Russell was dumb for using the idol. He’s gone next.” Oh really, Laura? Do you have any idea how close YOU were to being gone? Winning the Immunity Challenge last time saved your behind. You really need to understand that, and strategize wisely.

Opening credits.

Cut to Natalie encountering a mouse in the woods. She’s so starved that this looks like a delicacy in the making, but she’s still a little squeamish about the whole thing. She grabs a rock and stick, debates over which one to use and then has second thoughts (“Oh, this is pitiful.”) But in the end, she uses both to send the thing to mouse heaven.

She arrives back in camp carrying the deceased mouse in a coconut shell. The guys all think she’s bad-ass for doing such a thing and are really impressed, especially Jaison. They skin that sucker, roast it, and snack away.

Tree mail arrives and they all head off to a Reward Challenge. The prize is a chance to enjoy a “rock slide” and a picnic.

This one involves the 11 survivors splitting into two teams of 5. (Whoops, the numbers are off. They draw straws and Natalie is left out. She can’t compete.) On each team, 4 members have to race and gather these painted coconut-things and then assemble them to spell out numbers. Once they have the numbers, they give them to the 5th member, who is blindfolded and then has to “program” the numbers into a lock using only touch.

So off they go, and it’s fairly close. The only stand-out muck up is that Shambo cannot get her act together. She runs like a wounded turtle, keeps dropping things, and is no help in solving the number puzzle. Other than that, everybody’s up to par.

In the end, despite Shambo’s ineptitude, the purple team wins. This team also includes John, Kelly, Monica and Dave. It doesn’t hit me until later that all five of them are former Galu tribe members. This bit of detail will become critical in just a bit.

The yellow team goes back home to pout and think about their loss,

The purple team heads off to this rock slide thing, which is just that: waterfalls running over very smooth rocks that you slide down into crystal-clear pools of water. Everyone has a grand time with that bit, and we learn that John is able to do a no-hands back flip. This really impresses me. Do you know how hard it is to do that? I tried a million times back in my youthful days when I wanted to be a male cheerleader. (Yes, we all have secret passions to reveal.) Never could do it. Everything but that.

But aside from the amazing gymnastics, what has John really done to deserve the prize? On the flip side, no one is paying attention to him as a threat at this moment. Possible sneaky-by winner? Just sayin.

Then the rock-slide gang digs into their picnic of fried chicken and other comfort food. As they munch, they discover a note in the picnic basket, which tells them there is a hidden immunity idol back at camp. (Which makes sense, if you’re keeping score. Erik didn’t use his when he was blind-sided out, so they’re going to slap that one back out there.)

This is when it hits me that all the members of the winning team are former Galu. And four of the five are all about gunning down the former Foa Foa one by one, and not letting them know there is another idol up for grabs. They plot to eliminate Russell first. Interestingly enough, Shambo stands up for Russell, saying she doesn’t want him eliminated yet. Only Kelly seems to think this is an odd thing to say. She’s suspicious, and says so in a sidebar.

Cut back to camp, and we have Russell, convinced that Erik’s idol has been replayed, running around trying to find the thing. And damn it all, he manages to FIND the thing, once again doing it without a single clue.

I really don’t want to do it, because I can’t stand him, but I’ve got to give Russell some props. The rest of the losing team is back at camp, whining about not winning the giant slide and the chicken, and Russell is the only on e actively trying to win the game. And having amazing luck while doing so.

Damn it all. This guy just might get the big prize after all.

Russell in a sidebar. “Am I that damn good?” (The part of Russell that I can’t stand.) And “I’m not telling no one.” (The part of Russell that I don’t believe. He can’t help but brag about his actions. He won’t be able to keep his mouth shut.)

Sure enough, Russell is only able to keep his mouth shut until the picnic people get back, and then he latches on to Shambo and drags her into the jungle. They sit down at the end of the little bridge where he found his latest treasure, and for an alarming moment we are treated to the sight of Shambo scratching at something in her crotch, somehow not aware that there’s a wide-angle, hi-def camera practically shoved between her legs. I’m speechless.

But Russell’s not. He whips out the idol, Shambo lights up, and they immediately begin chattering about how they should get everyone to vote for Russell, he’ll stun everybody with the idol, and then their two little votes will send Laura home.

Yes, these two are still so manically focused on getting Laura out that they’re basically willing to waste an idol to do so. (Come on people, is THAT really the best use for the idol?) At least Shambo does have a little bit of sanity left, pointing out that Laura cannot win the immunity challenge for this plan to work. Russell just grins like that’s not going to be any problem.

Cut to the Immunity Challenge.

It’s a two-parter. First, everyone has to throw these hook things attached to a rope, try to snag a bag with a puzzle piece, and then drag the bag back to them. The first three people to get their two bags back to them advance to the second round, where they work a giant puzzle board.

And off we go with the first round. Mick snags his two bags rather quickly, followed by Shambo a bit later. And then it looks like Russell is going to be the third, because he’s just hooked into his second bag. But then what does the idiot do? He’s actually looking around at everyone else, smirking and triumphant, instead of dragging his bag across the line in order to officially finish.

Meanwhile, Laura, who doesn’t give up, snags her second bag and rips that sucker across the sand and over her line before Russell has even realized what happened. That little smirk of his quickly turns into a completely different expression. Dumbass. You lost because of your own arrogance.

Now part two, where the remaining three untie their puzzle pieces and try to work this intricate puzzle board. Mick and Shambo get their bags open fairly quickly, and actually have a bit of time to work the puzzle before Laura even starts. Looks like Laura is screwed at this point, as the other two get further and further ahead of her, with Russell back to smirking and practically dancing he’s so happy.

Laura finally gets her bags open, walks up to her puzzle board, studies it quickly, then blazes through it, and finishes her puzzle before the other two are even halfway down with their puzzles, even though they had a huge head start.

Russell’s jaw drops open.

Laura is safe at Tribal. Again.

Laura in a sidebar: “Tonight, Russell is going home.” (Um, well, there’s a little bit of a problem with that…)

Sidebar with Shambo, where’s she’s really sad that they can’t get Laura. But then she perks up. Hey, they can get Kelly instead, who is best buds with Laura, and therefore they still get to hurt Laura. (Again, Shambo and Russell have got to let go of this Laura thing for now and focus on the bigger game.) Shambo races off to coordinate with Russell. Thankfully, she’s not scratching anything as she does so.

Then we see Russell telling Jaison that he has the idol (see, Russ can’t help his mouth), and then telling Jaison to vote for Kelly. Jaison runs to tell Natalie and Mick that Russell has the idol, and then Russ runs up and tells Nat and Mick to vote for Kelly.

Okay, side note, it’s very clear that the former Foa Foa people are up to something, as they are racing all over the place, clearly plotting something. And Shambo is right up there in the mix, somehow. Shouldn’t the former Galu tribe members be a little curious?

Nope. Dave, Laura, Monica and John are off to one side, confirming that everyone is on board to send Russell home. And get this, Monica actually asks “What if Russell has already found the idol?”, and Dave actually responds “There’s NO way, we can’t even worry about that.”

“Don’t you think we should have a backup plan?”

Dave: “Nope.”

Time for Tribal.

They bring Erik in, who was voted out last time and is the first member of the jury. He glares at everybody and clearly has a major attitude. (Dude, you’re done. You can’t win. Why don’t you focus on the game and see who deserves to win, and quit hatin, hmmm?)

Jeff starts asking his little questions, and we spend quite a bit of time with people slamming Erik, so he just pouts some more. And Jaison even has a prophetic line: “Maybe there’s another Erik that hasn’t been exposed.” Bingo.

Then it basically breaks down into a Galu versus Foa Foa debate, with people saying increasingly cocky things. (Galu is more cocky, by far, for those of you keeping score.) It really doesn’t prove anything other than what we already know about Survivor. You’ve get to the numbers more evenly balanced before the “old” tribes will melt into one, and the single-player game really starts.

Then we’re off to vote, with Erik glaring at everybody that walks by because he’s such a good sport and all. Finally, Jeff runs to fetch the jar.

Just as Jeff is about to start pulling names, Russell hauls out the immunity idol and says a line that I really like, even though I don’t like him: “I ain’t finished playin just yet.” Jeff verifies that the idol is the real deal.

The former Galu members are in total shock. They know it’s going to be one of them. But who?

Jeff throws away all 7 votes for Russell.

And it only takes 3 votes to send Kelly home.

Laura is furious with Russell, whispering “He just stirred up a whole lot of hell, is what he did.” And who does she whisper this to? Shambo. Sitting there with a squirmy expression as she tries to feign support, even though her hands have a little splash of Kelly’s blood on them.

Can’t wait to see what Laura tries to do as revenge.

Finally, Jeff announces that the idol will be going back into the field. What? A played idol going back in? Doesn’t always happen. I’m sure Russell will find it again. It will probably just fall into his hands while he’s wandering down a path to take a leak

Oh, and Dave. Maybe next time you should try listening to Monica instead of your own ego. Ya think?

#93 - Survivor: Samoa - Episode 8

So the four remaining members of Foa Foa head back to camp after sending yet another member of their tribe home (Liz.) Instead of moping around like you would expect, they actually spend their time plotting strategy for the merge that they are certain is coming up.

Yes, they are finally working together as a team, now that they have lost most of their tribe. Oh well, you gotta start somewhere.

Then we have a sidebar with Russell, just before we go into the opening credits. Not sure if you’ve noticed, but the Survivor producers have been giving this prime spot to Russell in almost every episode. They know he’s going to run his mouth and set the tone for the show.

And he doesn’t disappoint. “I’m too good for this game. I’m too sly.” And he can’t wait to take down all those “dumbasses” on the Galu tribe once the merge happens. The man is certainly very proud of himself. Can’t stand him.

Credits roll.

We’re over at the Galu camp, where Laura and Shambo are bickering at each other. It seems that Laura’s canteen disappeared during her forced stay (courtesy of Shambo) over at the Foa Foa camp. The heated discussion escalates for a while, and then ends with Shambo giving some weird-ass speech about… I really have no idea. It certainly didn’t have anything to do with canteens.

Shambo is just not all there. Not by a long shot.

Cut to Erik, in that damn tree. “We know Shambo’s crazy, so if you mess with her, that makes you a bitch.”

What the hell is THAT supposed to mean, Crazy Man Who Lives in Tree?

Anyway, back to Foa Foa. They get tree mail, but the wording is odd, so it’s not clear if there’s going to be a merge or not. The only thing that’s certain is that they are to meet the other tribe on a beach. Could just be a competition, could be a merge. Russell secretly snatches up his immunity idol just in case.

So both tribes get to this beach. Jeff is nowhere around. There’s just a chest. Inside of it, Mick finds a letter, and yep, they’re merging, everybody’s moving to Galu. (Everybody seems happy about the Galu choice. The Foa Foa camp doesn’t have squat. The Galu camp, since they’ve won, well, just about everything, has linen bed sheets and a caviar buffet.)

And just a bit away from the chest, they find the traditional merge feast. The survivors all dive into THAT bizness real fast, smacking and wallering around on the picnic blanket in an orgy of food. The merge feast is always fascinating, in that everyone is really happy and nice to each other. For about ten minutes.

Then, before they are even halfway done with the food and alcohol, people are already breaking up into little groups to strategize about this new configuration, with Mick, Jaison and Natalie from the old Foa Foa honing in on targets and starting baby alliances. Russell gazes upon their actions like a proud papa.

There’s a brief, revolting scene where Monica, probably liquored up on the wine, holds a bunch of grapes so that the evil mouth of Russell can pluck one off the bunch. When he does so, she squeals like it’s the most exciting thing EVER. Blech.

Russell in a sidebar: “Who gets grapes fed to them? KINGS DO!”

Sidebar with Natalie: “There ARE some cracks in Galu, but are they big enough for us to wiggle in?” Smart girl, like her. As long as the remaining Galu tribe doesn’t focus on a strategy of “kill off the remaining Foa Foa’s”, she might go a ways.

Another sidebar with Erik, no tree. He’s pretty proud of himself, thinks he’s running things. I’m starting to think that Russell and Shambo aren’t the only variety of nuts to be found on this island.

Then Russell gets to work with his lies, which we knew was coming.

First, he approaches Laura, showing her his idol and promising that if she gets him to final seven, he’ll give the idol to her. Then, stupidly, he tells her that there are rules that go with it. She has to vote people out in the order that he wants, and mess like that.

Laura’s not really impressed with this, partly because she thinks it stupid of him to show the idol and make a promise that can’t be trusted, but mostly because he’s so arrogant about it, what with the rules and all. So she tells him that HE’S the one that needs to be worried, not her. (Which is true.)

And of course Russell can’t stomach a woman actually talking back to him. Instantly, in his warped little mind, he thinks she’s threatening him, and she becomes his next target.

Russell then runs to Monica, who is posing in her skimpy bathing suit on a wet rock, and he shows HER the idol, promising that he will give it to her if she is ever in danger. She just kind of giggles and doesn’t really sound convincing that she even wants to speak to him, let alone be in an alliance.

Then we have Russell going to John, flashing the idol, and promising that he will give it to him if he is ever in danger. Same exact crap he fed to Monica. (Dude, can you at least try to be ORIGINAL in your lies, or is that just too much work?)

In this case, however, John seems to bite. Then Russell, over-aggressive as always, says that Laura needs to go. Amazingly, John seems down with that. They shake. (Of course, a man-to-man handshake doesn’t really mean anything in this game, but still, they appear serious about it.)

Next scene, Shambo is down at the water, trying to wash that mass of hair that she has. (How she’s able to stand up when that bush of hair is wet, I really don’t know.) Russell is the only one nearby, and he smartly brings up Laura and how much he would like her to go. Shambo glows with delight.

Russell in a sidebar about Sham: “I kinda like her, I could use her.”

Sham in a sidebar about Russell: “I trust Russell implicitly.” It’s official, all that hair has completely smothered and killed Shambo’s brain cells.

The two high-five about getting Laura out and they race off to do their damage.

Lots of brief, subversive meetings around camp as the two build support to get Laura out. And it seems to be working. (But it’s all about how they edit the show, right?)

Time for the Immunity Challenge, a t-ball thing where people whack at a ball and try to hit targeted areas to get the highest point. Interesting twist: There are TWO immunity necklaces this time. The guys will compete against the guys, the girls against the girls, and the winner of each match is safe.

End result? John wins the guy necklace, and LAURA wins the girl necklace. It kind of irritated me that everyone cheered when John won, but there was only half-hearted applause when Laura won. This is one of the things that bugs me about the later seasons of Survivor. Earlier on, you always cheered when someone won, even if you personally hated their guts. Now, people are just bitches. Sayin.

We head back to camp to start the mad scramble for a Laura replacement.

Russell and Shambo. Russell: “Let’s get Monica, break up the girl thing.” Shambo: “It’s out of our hands, with these numbers. Erik and Laura will decide.”

Laura, now safe, puts her own plot in motion. She tells Erik that Russell has the idol. Erick is stoked about this, and wants to flush the idol out.

Erik runs to tell John. John’s not so much interested in the flushing, he’s more interested in getting Monica out. (Okay, folks, WHY do some of these people want Monica out so bad? She’s not a threat, and she’s not going to win, unless she suddenly shoots some talent out of her ass. Get over it.) But Erik seems to think that’s a good idea. They can still flush the idol, but Monica is the one to go home.

Erik gathers all of the Galu Guys, and tells them to vote for Monica.

Sidebar with Dave. He’s a little nervous about the plan. Shouldn’t the focus be on gunning down all of Foa Foa, one by one? Understandable. But, to be fair, the history of Survivor is split on that. Sometimes slow elimination of the smaller tribe works after the merge. Other times, someone on the larger tribe after the merge has GOT to go, just because of the strategy of it all. But Monica? Again, not feeling the need for her to go just yet.

Erik then gathers the remnants of the Foa Foa tribe (EXCEPT Russell), and tells them that if they vote for Monica, they can stay. And they are not to tell Russell a thing, because they also want him worried enough that he will use the idol, even though he doesn’t have to, since Monica’s leaving.

Erik is actually very threatening about the whole thing, not trying to play nice at all. The three Foa Foa’s sit there and take it (why upset the apple cart at this point, right?) until Erik, acting like he is some kind of something, stomps off.

Then Jaison to the other two: “Let’s put four votes on Erik. I don’t care if it matters or not.”

And Plan C is hatched.

Natalie goes to Laura. What if we take out Erik? Laura smiles.

Laura pulls over Kelly. Erik? OMG, yes!

Then all hell breaks loose. People are running all over camp, whispering and pointing and conniving. There are so many flash-cut scenes that you really don’t know what’s going on. But everyone is clearly very excited, except for Erik, who is walking around grinning, thinking he’s in complete control, even though no one is running up to HIM with any news.

Russell in a sidebar: “This is the first time I don’t know nuthin’.” He’s a little freaked.

Tribal Council.

Right away, (with prodding from Jeff), Erik shows his ass. “I struggle to see anything Foa Foa has to offer.” And then he keeps going, being really cocky. I’m really not sure what he’s doing here. Is he just trying to scare Russell to flush out the idol? Or is he actually wanting everyone to vote for HIM, so that he can then whip out his idol, negate all their votes, and his lone vote for Monica will send her home. I have no idea.

We do have to endure one scene with Jaison, where he basically has a little self-pity party. I’ve always had to struggle to get ahead, and I don’t appreciate it when someone implies (like cocky Erik did) that he’s worthless.

Dude, everybody’s life sucks. Get over it. (Not a fan of Jaison, he whines too much.)

Time to vote.

And they do.

Just as Jeff is about to read the votes, Russell stands up and proffers his immunity idol. Jeff validates it as real, and Russell sits back down, grinning from ear to ear. He really thinks he just saved his own ass.

Which tells ME that Russell is all talk and no confidence. The first sign of possible trouble, he whips out some protection. He’s a baby-man, no doubt about it.

Jeff reads the votes.

2 for Jaison. (Erik and Shambo.)

10 for Erik. (Everybody else.)

The look on Shambo’s face is priceless. When her jaw dropped all the way down, her face was finally bigger than her hair, for a very brief moment. I’m not saying it improved her look, I’m saying it was a different look. She still crazy.

Erik goes home, flame snuffed

And Russell used his idol but didn’t even get a single vote.

My prediction? This will send Russell into a paranoid spiral and he will completely lose it, getting voted out within two councils.

Then again, I’m often wrong on this show. Because I expect people to plot and scheme with intelligence.

And that just doesn’t happen a whole lot around here….