#18 - "Nurse Jackie" - Season 1, Episode 4

Opening scenes with Jackie in a voice over letting us know that she can figure out how people are going to act and react: "It's not like I wanna know this stuff, I just always do." Nurse as medicated psychic.

A boy child is rushed in with a collapsed lung after a fall. More evidence that Dr. O'Hara just does not have adequate people skills and has no idea how to relate to emotionally distraught relatives. Of course not, the nurses clean up that mess. Dr. O'Hara sasheys off in stiletto heels, and Jackie pushes Zoey to provide the family with comfort.

Brief aside with Mo-Mo and Zoey, wherein we learn that Mo-Mo had a twin who died when they were very young (just like the boy with the collapsed lung!), but he warns Zoey to "never think you should feel sorry for me", then proceeds to explain how emotionally difficult the loss really was, and still is. Then he ends by asking Zoey "have you ever used hot rollers", but quickly decides that it would look even worse.

Poor Zoey. Never wins.

Then Jackie has to rush off with her bland husband to a conference at their daughter's school. Seems the counselors think their oldest daughter has "generalized anxiety disorder". Really? And what is that? Well, apparently, it means that said daughter circles her desk three times before sitting down so the planes won't crash on her (okay, a little odd) and she doesn't use much color in drawings of the family, all black and white and boring. No suns and pretty trees.

Hmmm. I can think of several artists who use that same duotone method and make millions. Doth the lady protest too much?

Anyway, they suggest putting the tyke on anti-anxiety meds. Jackie, no stranger to chemicals in the bloodstream, has an issue with that, snapping at the panel member who makes this suggestion that "that's enough out of you." Kettle black, perhaps?

Then Jackie stomps away and buys a new cell phone, because she's apparently tired of both her husband and her pill-dispensing lover calling her on the same phone and making things awkward. Like that's going to solve the overall problem.

Back at the hospital ranch, Zoey has just lost the first patient what was totally under her care. Jackie: "Everybody has a first." Zoey: "But mine's dead." Some more bonding, with Jackie tight-roping that good and bad mix that she is.

Next to last scene, in a darkened hospital room, Mo-Mo is quietly singing to the twin with the collapsed lung. Final scene, Jackie pulls out her daughter's picture that the mean counseling staff at the school presented as evidence of her daughter's trauma. Jackie draws in a sun, with little rays radiating, uttering "Was that so hard?"

And those two scenes pushed me over. I'm now in love. Call me?

#17 - "Hung" - Season 1, Episode 1

We start with our main character, Ray (Thomas Jane), trying to pep talk his high school team in the locker room. He's babbling away, something about the unfair workload of a dung beetle, and all the teenage boys are staring at him glumly, in that teen way that says "all adults are stupid".

Ray encourages them that, even though the season thus far has completely sucked, they can still win. Go team! Then Ray grabs an assistant coach, fakes illness and leaves. Hello?

Seems Ray is off to his first gig as a hired stud. Hurray! We're finally to the part of the show you know we all really tuned in for: naughtiness involving Ray's heavily-promoted appendage. But Ray's voice over tells us that, first, we're going to see what led up to his joining the man-whore industry. I'm a little disappointed with the teasing, but hey, I've just opened a fresh beer, I'm good.

Ray was on a promising path to major sports hero status, when an injury ruined all that. Awww. Ray was happily married until his wife decided she needed some more pocket money and ran off with a doctor. Darn the luck.

And of course, the divorce is a messy and such, lots of anger and shouting, with Anne Hech playing The Ex. She even wants the rose bushes. (Well, her MOTHER wants the rose bushes. Mom turns out to be quite the whippersnapper.) The only bright spot in the ordeal is that the kids want to live with Ray.

Which they do. Until the house burns, and Ray, having no insurance, decides they can live in tents in the back yard. (With a view of the lake!) This is SO not cool, and the kids scamper back to Momma, opting to live with Celestia and possible snatching by spaceship rather than an eternal Boy Scout Jamboree.

(Side Note: During all the flashbacks, Anne Heche gets to utter the line "I am shallow because I choose to be." I think I'll get a t-shirt made.)

Notice the pattern? They are piling it on really thick (Freudian of me?) that lots of really bad things have happened to Ray, so we can be empathetic when he makes the choice to sell his stick. Not really necessary. Lots of other businessmen have preceded him in that particular trade. We TUNED IN fully knowing his career choice. Enough already.

So anyway, Ray attends some entrepreneurial training, which gets him thinking about his assets. He runs into and re-hooks with a past girlfriend, Tanya, who also gets him thinking about his assets. And gets her thinking as well. He can go in the man trade, and she can be his pimp. How convenient and exciting!

By the way, Tanya is trying to develop her own product, "Lyric Bread", where she puts slips of paper with quotations into baked goods. But she's having issues with the ink running and being unreadable during the baking. Would you have ever guess THAT would happen?

Ray takes this all in and does some research, googling "how to make money with a large penis", and creating an alternate personality for his hooker ads named "Big Donnie". And we finally catch up to him abandoning his brooding high-school team during a game so he can go on his first gig as a paid stud.

Only to have the prospective buyer not even open the hotel door, instead slipping him a note that he/she is not interested after reviewing him through the peephole. Ray goes into a little monologue about the suckage of life, and lo and behold, the client slips a 50-dollar bill under the door.

And Ray then gives the money to his son so he can buy tickets to a Goth concert in a seedy part of town. Roll credits.

Despite all my smarminess above (it's what I do, people, it's in the blood), I actually really liked the show. It's being promoted as something of a comedy. It's really not, there are some cute and amusing moments but very few belly laughs. Instead, it's actually warm and character-driven. Thomas Jane is quite good, but so are most of the actors around him. Feels like a good fit. Time will tell.

#16 - "True Blood" - Season 2, Episode 3

So, Sookie, Bill and Jessica are racing away from Jessica's home where all hell was breaking loose at the end of the last episode. Apparently Bill has glamoured all the humans and we're good there.

But we're not so good in the car. Sookie is not really pleased with some of Bill's actions and words, he pulls over, she gets out of HER OWN CAR and stomps off. Jessica tells Bill he is not treating Sookie right and he better go after her. Am I starting to like whiny Jessica? Hmmm.

Within seconds of stomping away, Sookie is attacked by this creature with a bull's head. What the hell? Said creature rips up her back and there's lots of blood. See, you TRY to keep the communication going in a relationship and you end up getting attacked by bull demons. It's just not right.

Bill and Jessica race up, Bill tries feeding Sookie his blood, but Sookie is rude about it and just foams at the mouth. This isn't working. They lug Sookie back to her car and race off to Fangtasia. Because people are so nice at THAT place.

Over at Merlotte's, newbie waitress Daphne gets yelled at by Sam for being 64 dollars short, he says she has to make it up. Daphne cries and all, but damn, girl, that's some serious cash in the bayou. Pay attention.

Cut back to Fangtasia, where it appears that Elton John is operating on Sookie. Oh wait, maybe it's not EJ, but anyway, Sookie's back is all clawed up something fierce, and Elton babbles about Kimodo dragons and poison and yadda yadda. Lord Vampire Priest Eric is puzzled, doesn't know what is going on. Well, that's a good sign. Eric sends Pam and that other guy off to investigate.

Quick couple of scenes at Godcamp, where Jason is having nightmares about vampires he has helped kill even though he knew it was a boo boo to do so, and some interplay with Luke who just wants Jason's fang, sayin.

Back to Fangtasia, Pam and the other guy report back from the field and don't really know anything other than it was "animal". We kind of got that part, guys, but thanks. And Pam is miffed because she ruined some gorgeous pumps traipsing around in the mud. Suck it up, Pam, they aren't THAT cute.

Cut to Mary Ann's house, where Tara questions Mary Ann about why she doesn't get along with Sam. In said scene, Mary Ann is rolling the most humongous joint I have ever seen. Not that I've ever seen any. Just sayin.

Cut to Merlotte's, Sam is packing up like he's planning to go far away. What?

Over to Godcamp, some kind of group therapy thing, and Jason fesses up that he really doesn't think vamps are all that bad. This does not set well with Sarah, who takes Jason out to the porch and splains some things. Seems she, at one point, marched in parades for vamp equal rights. Then the vamps killed her sister. This doesn't ring quite true. Rings more like foreplay. But Jason prays with her anyway. Uh huh.

Fangtasia: Sookie is all better now. She reads the mind of the screaming-prone bleached-blonde waitress and finds out that Lafayette is being held in the basement. Sookie uses a gun to force screamer to lead her to Laff. Waitress continues with the screaming.

Mary Ann's house: Big party with uninhibited people. No surprise. Tara and the hawt guy grow close. No surprise, part two.

Fangtasia again, Sookie slaps Eric and tells him to go to hell. (You GO, girl.) Eric states that he does not take well to threats. No surprise, part three.

Then we have Jessica, waking up from her day slumber, all alone in Bill's manor. No one is there. So of course she puts on an ugly yellow dress and heads to Merlotte's, as anyone would. There, she meets a potential beau, Hoyt, who finds her ravishing. She reveals that little vampire angle, but he doesn't care. Romance blossoms.

More at Fangtasia: Sookie will only help Eric with the missing vampire warlord in Dallas if Eric releases Laff in the basement. Fine. During the negotiations, Sookie utters two really fun lines, "I need a driveway" and "I'd prefer cancer". You just had to have been there.

More at Mary Ann's house: Detective Andy shows up, there are people running around with breasts and other things flopping openly, Mary Ann semi-flirts with Andy, and a pig disappears. Just go with it.

Back at Godcamp, the camp leader and wifey Sarah are still working on bringing Jason fully into the fold, and the leader utters "Sarah doesn't whip out her pudding for just anybody". Make of that what you will.

Jessica drags new beau Hoyt back to Bill's manor, bonding occurs, they play Wii (surely a sign of the devil), Hoyt suggest that maybe they should, you know, wait a little bit before going any further. Jessica thinks about it for 1.5 seconds and then is ON him.

Sookie and Bill take Laff to his home, with Laff asking Bill to tell his vampire playmates that he basically doesn't remember anything. Then Laff goes inside and wraps himself in a homemade blanket. This is okay, he's been chained to a pole in a smelly room and stuff.

Mary Ann's house, Tara suddenly realizes that there are a lot of slutty and possibly vampiric people at the party (really girl? just now?), and tells hawt guy that there is "no US if this is your scene". This from Tara, who managed to conquer the ginormous joint from earlier. Girl, please.

Quick scene with Sam stripping down and running through the woods with one of his doggie companions. Really.

Bill and Sookie arrive back at the manor, and Bill is not pleased with Jessica and Hoyt doing whatever they are doing on the couch. Jessica claims she didn't feed. It's really not clear WHAT has happened, as we have lots of that quirky fast vampire movement, but it's obvious that Bill is not pleased.

Finally, we have Sam jumping into a remote lake/river/something and reverting back to his naked self. Daphne, of all people, wanders up and decides to join him. As she whisks off her top, we see that she has claw marks on her back.

Probably not good.

#15 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 14

So anyway, JR (no surprise) is somehow behind Lisa showing up and wanting to snatch the sullen Christopher. Not really sure how much or why, but he IS paying for Lisa's apartment, so he's obviously very serious about this.

Speaking of JR, he finds out that Casey Denault has been dealing behind his back, so there are a series of scenes with JR plotting to get revenge, and stupid Casey falls into the trap, clueless. Kind of boring subplot. It's very clear that Andrew Stevens was not brought in to the show for any specific purpose other than the hope that restless viewers will go "Hey, it's the guy from that Fury movie!" and keep watching the show just for that.

Random thought: What is up with the Benihana doors leading into JR's office? There's nothing else on this set that is remotely Asian-inspired (unless Sue Ellen walks in sporting a leather outfit and that odd "pony tail on top of the head" look), so what gives? I keep expecting those doors to be flung open, and some guy with machetes will wheel in a flaming cart of sizzling meat and begin serving dinner to JR, Sly and 12 complete strangers drunk on saki.

Cliff drops by Lisa's apartment and tries to buy her off with a blank check. She tears the check up and gets all emotional and rude. Translation: she's done her homework and JR has more money. Next.

Bobby fesses up to his lawyer that he did indeed BUY Christopher before he adopted him. The lawyer is not pleased, and I assume some underling at the firm will be fired just because it will make the lawyer feel better. Poor little underling.

Bobby stumbles upon April drunk in a bar, because there's only one bar in Dallas, right? April is all nasty about Bobby not wanting her and storms out. Naturally, by the end of the episode, this ploy has worked and it appears that Bobby and April are moving toward "item" status.

But April, sweetie, just last episode you were curled up with Nicholas Pearce. Granted, you were crying and not looking your best, but there WAS touching.

Maybe Nicholas is distracted by other things and April is not on his mind. Sue Ellen shows up at Nick's apartment, and has the audacity to admire a picture of what is apparently a young Nicholas and some other boys and/or brothers. Nicholas does not react well, is rude, and whisks Sue Ellen out of the room.

Dude, if you don't want people looking at that picture, why the hell are you putting it out there for all to see. The writers have really got to move this story along so we can have the big reveal about Nicholas' shady past. Just do it.

Over at the House of Ray and Jenna pretending to like each other even though no one really buys it, their daughter Charly is increasing her activities with new boyfriend Randy. Jenna is concerned, and counsels Charly to slow down. Ray is concerned, and tries to intimidate and slightly threaten Randy.

Randy is, of course, played by a very young Brad Pitt. Who will one day be more popular than anyone else in the scene, anyone else on the set, and anyone in Dallas. Yay!

Okay, finally, the JR and Kimberly thing. Kimberly is very clear that she wants JR to leave Sue Ellen for her. JR tap dances, he's really more interested in Kimberly's father, who owns all that Westar stock. Kimberly arranges a meeting between the two.

At said meeting, we learn that Daddy will do anything for his daughter. And that he doesn't really care for her current husband, the odd and egotistical one with blonde hair. And if JR could just MARRY Kimberly, Daddy might help JR become the king of everything again. JR and his cowboy boots shuffle off into the night, full of dastardly dreams. (Sue Ellen, honey, refill all of your prescriptions NOW!)

Then we cut to Kimberly on a balcony over the meeting room, pleased and praising Daddy for his actions.

Has JR stepped into something more than he can handle? Gawd I hope so.

#14 - "Nurse Jackie" - Season 1, Episode 3

So Jackie's addictions continue, with her so desperate for another hit that when she drops her last pill of whatever down the drain, she is focused on digging that pill out using gum on the end of a pen rather than listen to her husband explain that their oldest daughter might have some psychological issues. Good quality family time, yes?

And Jackie's sideline squeeze at the hospital, Eddie "loose with the drugs", might be replaced by a robot dispensing the pills. Jackie's immediate reaction is that it's going to be so much harder to get scrips filled, meaning her own personal supply is affected, and not the fact that her "supposed" lover might be getting the boot.

Wake up call for Eddie? One would think so. But Jackie does eventually ask Dr. Cooper (boobies!) to vote no on the robot thing. So maybe she does care for Eddie. Maybe.

Poor Zoey gets a shiny new stethoscope, which Dr. O'Hara promptly borrows/steals, and Zoey spends the rest of the episode trying to build up the courage to get it back.

Dr. O'Hara thinks this is fun and really enjoys it. Zoey, of course, thinks otherwise and gets yet another notch in her lipstick case of eventual revenge against all these hateful people. I'm envisioning a future episode entitled "Zoey No Longer Makes Muffins for ANYBODY". Because that's about as far as Timid Tessie will go, but I'm sure it will be thrilling for her.

There's a mini-subplot about some guy's cat scratching up his privates in a vicious manner (something about cleaning the bathroom naked and Boo Boo Kitty goes after a new playtoy). This guy wakes up from his semi-coma and utters the line "Oh my god. I'm in stirrups."

A deep and worrisome fear we all have, Mr. Catnip.

Then we have the story of an elderly man in his last hours, refusing all treatment except his wife's chicken soup, so Nurse Jackie has to wing it with the the hospital administrator (who is apparently all better now after the special coffee from the last episode) because the hospital isn't making any money by applying expensive last-minute treatments, and they need the bed for someone with some cash flow.

Now, this is supposed to be a touching series of scenes, and it was, part of the reason I really like this show with its mix of heart, humor and anger. But I must confess I spent an inordinate amount of time going "Hey, that's Eli Wallach! He's like 90-something and still acting!", and "OMG! That's Magda from 'Sex and the City!' Does Miranda know you've left Brady unattended?"

So I didn't quite make it into the Hallmark Zone. More like "slight welling of tears during a commercial about the effects of depression on your family" territory.

Back to Jackie and bland-husband's older daughter. She really does have some issues, plopped in front of the TV watching shows about plagues and death and general unhappiness. Jackie does try reaching out to her, but I guess it's hard for her to remain focused when the handiwork of her latest drug-addiction is racing through her veins, making her want to copulate with co-workers, yell at cab drivers who then have heart attacks, and torment Zoey who just wants to bake and be loved. All at the same time.

And really, with the severe hairstyle that Edie Falco has brought to this character, it's very easy to get distracted from a lot of things. I know, easy jab, focusing on the hair. But damn. You get too tight of a close-up on that 'do and you won't sleep for days. Seriously.

#13 - "True Blood" - Season 2, Episode 2

So we start off back in the cellar/dungeon/whatever the hell where Laff is being held. He's dripping in blood from the unfortunate yokel ripped apart at the end of the last episode, and we realize that the ripper is actually Eric, the blonde head honcho vampire guy that I thought was missing from the previous episode.

Disclaimer: Perhaps it was just ME figuring out that the rude person slashing up the yokel was Eric. Maybe everybody else already realized this in the last episode and I'm on the failblog. Don't really know. Whatever the case, I'm blaming the beer.

Anyway, Eric drags Laff upstairs from the smelly basement thing and we learn that Laff is being held under Fangtasia, the vampire bar where people are generally hateful, nothing pleasant happens, and that horrid Pam is the owner/diva/something. They grill him about this and that, don't really care for his answers, and they toss his ass back in the hole. (And I don't mean a "fun" hole like the delicious one from "Oz", know whut I'm sayin?)

Cut to a post-coital discussion between Bill and Sookie, wherein Bill is concerned about the budding hell that could be Jessica, and Sookie tries to convince Bill that Jessica is just like any other confused teenage girl. Really? I'm thinking there's some pivotal differences here, like Jessica now considers humans to be selections at the deli. Maybe it's just me.

Cut to Jason on a schoolbus headed to the Sunshine Bible Camp. Lots of praising and singing in that uber-Christian way that always makes me wonder if I've slid into an alternate world. And we meet Luke, who instantly buddies up with Jason, and both of them utter lines that I distinctly recall from certain adult videos stashed under my bed. Fascinating. Where is THIS going?

Full confession: The following line is not my own, but I am repeating it here just because I rolled when I read it. Full credit to Jessica Gelt in her review for the LA Times.

"Back at Mary Ann's house of endless fruit and weed..."

Love it.

Anyway, Tara finally gets the really hot guy at Mary Ann's house to fess up about some of his past, and we learn he's done some really bad things. Like "locked up in the Big House" things. Most sane women would run screaming. But gawd he's hawt. And Tara doesn't exactly text him that she's moving on. So who knows.

Back to Jason, now at Godcamp, playing flag football, mainly so he can take off his shirt and sweat. But also so we can move forward two plot points: new bestie Luke has some serious jealousy issues with Jason, and Sarah, the wife of the Godcamp leader, appears quite ready to don a cheerleader outfit and run some plays with Jason.

Cut to Mary Ann barging into Merlotte's (Sam's diner) and immediately starts ordering everything on the menu. What the hell? Sam is not pleased, but gives in and let's her stay. No idea where this is leading.

Cut back to Laff in the non-Oz hole, who channels MacGuyver and rips some metal thing out of the leg of his former yokel bunkmate and uses this contraption to break free of his chains and race upstairs. Sadly, he is shot in the leg by some waitress with bleached-out hair that screams a lot.

Back at Godcamp: Bizarre scene with a pig-tailed Lolita singing "Jesus Asked Me Out Today". Seriously. (Of course we had to pause and discuss THAT mess.) Then a role-playing bit where Jason is the Christian and hormonal wifey Sarah is a vampire. The intention of the Godcamp leader was to stir up the "God hates fangs" frenzy, but the scene ends with Jason brandishing a broken flagpole over a clearly orgasming Sarah.

Short bathroom scene with Jason wearing only a towel, and a fuming Luke being all bitter and spiteful. Gawd. You two just need some quality time in a pup tent.

Bill is out shopping for some non-slutty outfits for Jessica when Eric shows up. Eric wants Sookie to help him find some missing vampire guy in Dallas. Bill's not hip with that. Eric's not hip with THAT. General tension ensues.

Meanwhile, Jessica and Sookie are girl-talking, and Jessica really, really, REALLY misses her family, crying blood tears. Won't Sookie just drive Jessica by her old house so she can have a peek? Every member of the viewing audience knows this can't be a good idea. But Sookie agrees. Fine, then Sookie deserves anything that might happen, sayin.

Back to Merlotte's. Apparently eating everything on the menu has fueled Mary Ann's powers, and she's done some voodoo on nearly everyone in the place. Folks are dancing all over (obvious sign of moral decay), hooking up on tables, and basically releasing all inhibitions. You know, a frat party with somewhat older participants.

Sam is not happy with this (are there insurance concerns?) and confronts Mary Ann in his office. She does her weird shimmy thing (what is UP with that?) and Sam transitions (I think, beer again) and there are threats. Game on.

Fangtasia again. Pam and Eric and some guy whose name I don't know are again grilling Laff. It's not going well for Laff, and then he suddenly asks to be turned into a vampire. The three meanies descend on him and feed like there's 13 seconds left on the Blue-Light special at K-mart.

Sookie and Jessica outside Jessica's house. Of course Jessica bolts from the car and rings the bell. We meet Jessie's mom and little sister, there's some manipulation of the little sister (natch), and everybody has snacks waiting on Daddy to come home.

Daddy arrives, eventually there are harsh words, as Jessica is not pleased with her weak mother and apparent tyrant of a father, and fangs are displayed. ("Sulu, increase potential violence factor to 10.") Bill arrives, more manipulation of the little sister, more harsh words all around, some broken china, expletives, and CUT.

Oh my.

#12 - "Nurse Jackie" - Season 1, Episode 2

Well, then.

So apparently Nurse Jackie does have a decent relationship with her husband, and great sex as well, as they prove by going at it on the kitchen floor on top of spilled breakfast products. So what is driving her to get some medical attention on the side? Hmmm. What's the real unhappiness here?

Most of the elements introduced in the pilot continue in this episode. Jackie has a drug problem, but is very creative in hiding and yet continuing her pharmacological escapades. Disguising Percocet as Sweet-n-Low has unintended results that are both good (helps revive a heart attack patient in a pinch) and bad (the hospital administrator rudely snatches some for her coffee and then spends the rest of the episode laughing and smacking into doors).

Nurse trainee Zoey, still looking like she thought she was showing up for a casting call of the "Annie" revival, is TRYING to prove worthy to Jackie, but Jackie keeps cutting her off with sarcastic comments that the job basically sucks and you have to deal with it. Oh, and then Jackie tries to divert blame for the "ear" from the last episode showing up in the toilet by pointing at Miss Sunshine. And no will eat the baked goods she lovingly brought in. Not a good day for Zoey.

Then we have the crazy guy who lurks around the hospital and eventually slaps Jackie, hard, before being taken down in a very impressive football tackle by Zoey. (Maybe Z was determined to have SOMEONE sample her damn pastries.) Seems the guy is very upset about not getting any help for his ailing mother, and logic dictated that he should punch the very people he needs. Oh well, she ends up helping him anyway, just has to grab herself a little Sweet-n-Low first.

Then we have the hateful stage mother who forced her son to skateboard without a helmet so it wouldn't mess up his hair, and of course he then falls and his brain is swelling. Despite this, bitch mom is still more concerned that they had to shave his head and operate to reduce the swelling. "It'll take a YEAR for his hair to grow back!" Never mind that he almost died and may not walk. Jackie rips her a new one without even breaking a sweat.

Dr. Cooper turns out to be more decent than originally presented, and may actually know what he is doing, but there's still that "stress-related-breast-grabbing" business to deal with. And Dr. O'Hara, in the obligatory best friend despite all your issues role, is really a hoot when chattering away with Jackie. (The restaurant scene where they argue over who is going to save the choking victim? Good stuff.)

So, still very psyched about the show. Despite being the main character, Jackie is not the most likable or even pivotal part of the show. Most of the characters have a strong foundation, and the writers could go in a number of ways. The husband is a little bland, but I'm hoping the issue there is we just don't know the real story yet. Otherwise, they need to develop him beyond spontaneous kitchen floor sex.

We do have the stereotypical flaming queen nurse's aide character. Which I suppose should offend me. But not really. There's always a queen in any real-life hospital setting, that's just how it is. And they DO flame. Get over it, and then embrace it.

Fingers still crossed...

# 11 - "True Blood" Season 2, Episode 1

It's not Lafayette's body in the car! Yay!

But it IS that pseudo-voodoo priestess woman-thang with the trashy trailer in the middle of nowhere. The one who scammed Tara and, more easily, Tara's momma, what with the fake exorcisms and the grunting and yelling and sweating. THAT woman. She dead. Mmm hmm.

And whoever did it ripped her heart out, literally. Cause this is "True Blood" and it's just not interesting if you pass peacefully during the night with a smile on your face.

Tara has to tell her momma that not only is witchdoctor woman not available for future appointments, but the whole jumping around in the swamp and seeing visions was not real, it was just drugs. Momma does not take kindly to that, and blames Tara for all of it, because that's the relationship pattern they have. Momma do bad, but daughter gets slapped and then has to clean up after Momma. Rinse and repeat.

Just as Momma is taking it out on Tara, Maryann arrives and intervenes, and she reads nasty momma up one side, down the other, and back up for more. It was great, of couse we had to pause and rewind. Then Maryann whisks Tara off to her limousine and away they go. She MY girl now.

We get some flashback scenes with Sam as a baby pup, practicing his shape-shifting skills by breaking into Maryann's house back in the day, stealing things. Maryann catches him, and there's a different kind of breaking in, sayin, with Maryann bronc-busting her way to a passion peak that makes her... almost shape-shift as well?... leave her body for another plane?... Not sure.

(Oh, and Sam was in his human form during the rodeo, just in case you were wondering, you pervert.)

Let's see. Jason is off finding Jesus, messin around with that Fellow-wimps of the Sun megachurch, or whatever it's called. They creepy, that there church, smiling widely and mechanically while they suck the money out of you. (Hey, is this a documentary?) For just 1,200 dollars they will send you to wimp scout training camp and get you all ready for a front row seat at the God concert. Cash only, no checks.

The sparkle in Jason's eyes dims a little. Cause he broke. Can't even pay the light bill right now. Buy he hasn't completely lost faith, and he races off. Hopefully to a different scene where it's necessary that he take off his clothes.

And lo and behold, Sookie and Jason's weird uncle has been mysteriously killed, and he left some money to Sookie. She don't want nuthin to do with that mess, and gives the check to Jason. Now he can go to daycare. Praise Jesus.

Poor Sookie. Always taking care of everybody else. On top of her undying love for the undead Bill, and all these people around her getting killed, and having to wear short shorts all the time, she now has to deal with Jessica, the teen vampire that Bill was forced to "turn" as punishment for pissing off Lord High Blonde Vamp God, the one with the stringy hair. (Hey, did we even see him this episode? Hmmm.)

Jessie girl got an attitude. She's whiny and doesn't like anything. And she has fresh new powers that she can't quite control yet. Great. After several scenes of immaturity and our growing dislike of the little brat, Bill finally gets heated and tells her she has GOT to settle down, because most vampires don't make it past the first year. (Promise?)

Then Sookie walks in and charms Jessica with girl talk and fashion tips and now they are besties. Then she asks Jessica to scurry off now so she and Bill can talk. And they do, and Sookie is tired of Bill not being honest with what's going on (the Jessica thing, the new revelation that BILL is the one who killed Sookie's uncle, getting dirt on her freshly-scrubbed kitchen floor, etc). Lots of emotion, tears, mood lighting and tight close-ups of faces tortured by emotional agony.

Then they rip their clothes off and have hawt undead sex. So apparently the relationship is working out.

And what of Lafayette? Well, seems he's chained up in the basement of an unidentifed vampire lair, along with some other folks that we're pretty sure vampires would not wish well. (One of the guys that burned down that house and killed some of their undead kind? Check.) So it's fairly certain that Laff has done something to make vampires unhappy with him, and I doubt it had anything to do with his cooking at the diner.

Whoops. Girl, you better get you a plan. Now.

#10 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 13

So, the Ewing Barbecue is still going on. I told you these were big events, and now the shindig apparently has to be spread over two episodes. Still no one thrown in the pool, though, little bit of sadness there.

Sue Ellen, full of rage at JR (and that's how we LIKE her, people, quit making her fall back in love with JR all the time) has sneakily arranged for Kimberly, JR's current mattress conquest in his pursuit of Wilson Cryder and all that is Westar, to BE at the barbecue. Of course Kimberly and JR run into each other, and there is awkwardness, at least on his part. Sue Ellen smiles. We do, too. (And there's more to come, yay!)

Cut to April, sobbing her eyes out in her fancy, expensive condo. Nicholas Pearce knocks on the door (natch), they converse, and we learn that April is devestated at not being invited to the barbecue. She's upset about THAT? "I was invited last year!" she wails. Honey, you went last year because CLIFF took you. Cliff is always dragging people to the barbecue that nobody is interested in seeing. Do your homework.

Anyway, Nicholas ends up holding and snuggling with April, so I guess they're going to be an item soon, which is not good, because he really is a jerk. And how are they going to both fit in the same bathroom, with all the ginormous hair they've got between them? It will never work.

The barbecue finally winds down, presumably because the guests have realized that no one is going in the pool any time soon, so what's the point?

Cut to Cliff meeting Miss Ellie in a park. Cliff has pictures of Digger which he shares, Miss Ellie gets all wistful and crinkly, confessing that she really did love him. They babble on for a while, with Miss Ellie continuing to crinkle, and Cliff having some epiphany about the whole Barnes-Ewing feud being stupid. Well, it is, but you've managed to get 11 seasons out of it, so SOMETHING worked there. Don't be hatin. Cliff claims the feud is now over. Uh huh.

Cut to Kimberly wallering around in a giant bathtub full of bubbles, with JR on the side, sucking down champagne and plotting his next move. Sue Ellen calls Kimberly (GREAT timing, Miss Texas) and invites Kimberly and Wilson to dinner with Sue Ellen and JR. Kimberly avoids being electrocuted by dropping the phone, and accepts. JR quietly chokes on his champagne.

Then we have the actual dinner. For the fans of Sue Ellen/Linda Gray (and they are legion), it is one of her finest moments. She makes the other three at the table endlessly squirm, especially JR. It was delicious.

Oh, and Bobby tracks down Lisa, tries to be all he-man and threatening, only to have Lisa spill that she is going to win her case claiming custody of Christopher because she can prove that Bobby PAID for Christopher. (Which he did. Oops.) So this episode's freeze-frame ending is once again Bobby, looking constipated. See what happens when you don't have Pam around?

#9 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 12

So anyway, the Cliff and Dandy thing. Turns out the pathetic oil strike-ette was covering up a huge natural gas deposit, apparently the biggest ever discovered. (This was confirmed within about 30 seconds of hitting the pocket, so of course it was totally believable.) Now Cliff is running around town, being smarmy and condescending in that way he has, with that hair. Of course, since it IS Cliff, doom is on the horizon.

And I have to ask: Isn't CLIFF the biggest pocket of natural gas, ever?

Ray tells Jenna that he is going to ask Bobby to be his Best Man, and Jenna immediately twists off. There are accusations and close-up reaction shots. Jenna eventually gives in, and the music changes from psycho-daggers to quiet romantic strings.

It's nice that the music composers on this series have always been efficient at helping us to understand how we feel about a given scene. Loud and grating means pay attention, somebody might get shot, or somebody is about to be revealed as Pam's previously unknown sister, or Sue Ellen might take a drink. Saxaphone music means naughtiness, and the participants in the scene are married to people NOT in the scene. And soft music means this shot is boring, you can go pee now.

So then it's already wedding day for Ray and Jenna. What? Ray just proposed to her, like, 12 minutes ago. Other marriages on this show take years to happen. Oh well. Go with the flow. They are now hitched, and Ray is the legal daddy of one of Bobby's sons. Woo hoo.

THEN it's suddenly time for the annual Ewing Barbecue. Now I understand the rushed wedding, can't interfere with the barbecue tradition. Loyal viewers know that there's a very strong chance that somebody's gonna get thrown in the swimming pool. Yay!

But no, not any splashes this time. Instead, we have Dandy showing up with a gun and trying to shoot Cliff for trying to take advantage of him. What the hell? Where did that come from? We've seen nothing to indicate that. Clearly, the writers are bored and making crap up.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Nicholas Pearce corners April, who is sprawled out next to some anonymous swimming pool. He tears into her for trying to dig into his past. He's really mean, and we hate him. (Did the idiot forget that she's HIS client?) But April does look fabulous, all wet, sleek and tanned, so we know she'll survive.

Back at the ranch, and the barbecue that has apparently become a firing range, Lisa comes strutting up with her lawyer and they approach Bobby, who is conveniently right there at the entrance gate. She's not very happy. Bobby has been rude to her by forbidding her to see little, eventually psychotic Christopher. So she's taking legal action to gain custody of the future serial killer. Have a nice day! And can I get a to-go cup?

#8 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 11

Let's see.

Well, we have Cliff shutting down the drilling team. Dandy arrives at the drilling site, finds this out, then races off, promising to come back with alternative funding. Turns out this funding is in the shape of a shotgun, which he then uses to force the team to start drilling again.

Hello? Dandy is a feeble, alchohol-weakened old man who walks with a cane. Yet this team of 20-odd drillers scamper to do his bidding, without once thinking of bitch-slapping the guy and then heading off to Applebee's for the lunch special. Sigh.

Lisa, who we now realize is Christopher's aunt, semi-kidnaps him at school, but then takes him out to Southfork. Miss Ellie, confused but gracious, allows them to ride horses together. Bobby shows up, there is a scene, and it is clear that Lisa is no longer the guest of honor. More material for Christopher's eventual stay in a mental hospital.

April has more dirt on Nicholas Pearce, but not enough for the whole story, so that bit of business is getting a little old. April also wears a hideous spandex outfit at one point, totally breaking my concentration. I'm sure I lost a few plot details during the trauma.

Sue Ellen meets with Nicholas in the lobby of some confusing hotel. (Why do the exterior shots and interior shots never match up on this show? Surely this series had a decent budget by now.) Sue Ellen spies JR sucking face with Kimberly in a conveniently glass-walled elevator, and begins emoting sadness and disappointment. Sister girl, you KNOW this man. If you still believe that he can be faithful, then you BELONG in any of the various sanitoriums where he has had you commited over the seasons.

Side note, in another scene, we learn that Kimberly finds it exciting, perhaps even erotic, for JR and her husband to be in some type of competition with each other, fighting man-to-man. Finally, an interesting angle. The potential for homoerotic subtext is intriguing, then I realize that I don't want to see either of them naked, and the excitement dims. Oh well.

Finally, back to the hostage drilling site, one of the guys realizes he can use the PHONE to call for help and stop the mean old man with the gun. He calls Cliff, poorly-treated Jackie calls for a helicopter, and Cliff arrives at the field to kick some Dandy ass. During the very fake tussle, oil suddenly shoots out of the earth. The fiddles kick up on the soundtrack and we have a Ma and Pa Kettle jig of celebration, all hard feelings about the gun forgotten.

Seconds later, the oil stops, that's it, one spurt of excitement and we're done. No more.

Perfect symbol for the season thus far.

#7 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 10

So we start with Ray and Jenna showing up at "the big house" to announce to the other Ewings that they are getting married. Bobby hesitates and then congratulates the both of them, Miss Ellie looks wistful and smiles half-heartedly, Sue Ellen immediately glances at Bobby to gage his reaction before continuing, JR chokes on his eggs and scurries away, Clayton apparently forgets his lines and glances at the pool, and Teresa the maid cleans up after everybody.

And that, dear friends, encapsulates the entire series in one scene.

But since I brought Teresa up, let's discuss. Why is it that nobody at Southfork can pronounce Teresa's name the same way? Miss Ellie says "tuh-RAY-zuh". JR calls her "tuh-ree-suh". Guest stars just look at her as if she's from craft services and could possibly snag a bagel or two. You know the actress hates everybody in the house, and most likely poured cleaning products on every dish she served them.

This angle is kind of fun. Let's pick apart some more of the minor characters.

We have JR's secretary, Sly. This woman is absolutely and completely devoted to JR, will do anything for him, and actually believes that he is a good and decent man. She's his secretary, for gawd's sake. She knows the scoop, handles all kinds of dirty little errands, lies and spies for him, yet still thinks he's The Second Coming. I blame drugs, it can be the only answer.

Continuing with the secretaries, we also have Phyliss working for Bobby. We like her a lot better, she seems to have a more solid grasp of reality, and she does what she can to help Bobby and others nail JR. But she loses points for working all these years alongside Sly and yet still hasn't pulled out a letter opener and slashed Sly to pieces. It would be totally justified, no jury would convict her, and it would make a great episode. Just do it.

Moving on to Jackie. She is currently Cliff's secretary, she used to be Cliff AND Pam's secretary before Pam left town after learning she would never be on the cover of Vogue again. Jackie has been around forever. She goes way back to the day when she was working with Pam when Pam was a buyer/stylist/something for that department store. (Remember those days, when Pam was all manic/depressive and threatening to jump off buildings because she broke a nail? Gawd that got old.)

Anyway, poor Jackie has to sit there, pretending to answer phones and type things while Cliff abuses her constantly, because he's such a jerk. She has suffered for YEARS working with Cliff, it's been tragic. And now we have Dandy around, who's even worse, calling her a "little girl" and being smelly. Surely Jackie would be cleared of all murder charges as well.

THAT's what needs to happen. An entire season devoted to the secretaries, with each of them plotting and conniving and getting to wear sexy leather outfits like the main female characters. That would be so much more exciting than all those stupid 5-episode story lines where JR goes after some dumbass character we've never seen before. (Can you say "Barbara Carrera and that whole season with the fake country"? Or Donna Reed?)

Oh my, look at the time, better wrap this up. Um, JR manages to snag Kimberly, wife of his new nemesis, Wilson Cryder. No surprise. April has more information on Nicholas Pearce. No surprise. This Lisa person turns out to be the SISTER of Christopher's biological daddy, so it does appear to be the beginnings of revenge served as cold ice cream. (And even more fodder for when Christopher begins counseling, which should be any day now.) And Cliff tells the drilling team to pull the plug on Dandy if they don't find any oil by morning.

And I didn't see a single bow in anyone's hair.

#6 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 9

Not really crazy about this episode, another one where everyone seems to be running in place while the producers and scriptwriters decide what to do next, so this entry will be fairly short.

The only real development is that J.R. has focused in on Kimberly Cryder, the wife of his new nemesis, Wilson Cryder. Wilson is the new head of Westar, who has somehow replaced Jeremy Wendell. (No idea what happened to Jeremy, don't recall any explanatory scenes, he was just... gone... after last season. Contract dispute? Who knows.)

Anyway, J.R. has decided that Kimberly is the conduit he needs, and is taking steps to seduce her. This hits the nail on the head of one of the fundamental fallacies of this entire series. Why are we expected to believe that every woman J.R. encounters starts dripping at the mere sight of him? Larry Hagman in "I Dream of Jeannie" was kind of cute. Larry Hagman in "Dallas", especially after the first few seasons, is just not swoon-worthy. I don't get it. What am I missing?
So, to focus on the few other tidbits in this episode...

Ray returns from visiting the non-existing Donna in Washington. He just wanted her approval to marry Jenna. Uh huh. But Jenna and the estrogen-shooting Charly seem to buy it, and Ray re-proposes to Jenna on the shores of some lake that we've never seen before.

This time, Jenna whole-heartedly accepts, but I really don't think it had anything to do with it being Ray or the charming setting next to an unknown lake. It had more to do with the fact that Priscilla Presley was not forced to wear a skull-crushing bow in her hair for the scene, and in the spirit-cleansing freedom of it all, Priscilla/Jenna would have agreed to any proposal on the table.

Lisa the Christopher-stalker is closing in on Bobby and son. Still don't have any idea what's going on there, but I can't get past the evil aura of the ice cream social in the past episode, and I just know danger is lurking.

Sue Ellen and Nicholas Pearce are still circling each other, with different agendas, but at least this time Nicholas orders dinner and has it delivered to Sue Ellen's office, and apparently that's all it takes, as Sue Ellen immediately softens and both smile at each other. Blech.

The Cliff and Dandy dance continues, even though Cliff has paid for tests and is fully aware that there is nothing in Dandy's hole. Please re-read the previous sentence, because even I can't believe I just typed it.

No real news with Miss Ellie and Clayton. Apparently she must have stopped crying and clutching at her face, and they've gone to play golf, or to the zoo, or maybe they went to ask Punk Anderson how he possibly could have won Oil Baron of the year for doing nothing. It's a legitimate question, and I'm far more interested in that answer than I am in anything else that happens in this episode.

Oh, and April has hired a private detective to investigate Nicholas Pearce after she and he run into a supposed stranger that thinks he knows Nicholas from the Bronx, only the stranger knows Nicholas by a different name. OMG! What could possibly be up?

Who cares.

#5 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 8

So, it turns out that apparently Clayton's heart attack in the last episode was not all that serious, as he's up on his feet within hours and promising all the characters that don't have their own scene this week that he'll take better care of himself. Then he goes of to chop wood or build a barn or something. The miracles of modern television medicine!

Meanwhile, not back at the ranch...

"Dandy" is all over this episode. This is the mean, worthless drunk guy that showed up this season for no apparent reason, and Cliff has taken him under his wing because he reminds him of his own mean, worthless drunk daddy, Digger Barnes. Always a good foundation for a strong relationship, right? Dandy keeps babbling endlessly about his "nose for oil", and the two of them are running around in their co-dependency, working on plans to make a fortune.

Now, I don't know what the scriptwriters INTENDED to have happen with the Dandy character, but I'm assuming they expected the audience to learn to love this nasty little jerk because of the sheer number of scenes where Dandy and Cliff are basically playing house and "growing". But I'm not buying it for a second. Can't stand the man, I'm ready for a new plotline, stat.

Of course, they probably WILL find oil together in a weak attempt to teach us "there is good in everyone", with the two of them dancing around while gushes of oil shoot out of a phallic drilling rig....

Speaking of, Andrew Stevens as Casey Denault is still taking core samples with Marilee, despite his misgivings about J.R. wanting him to use his body in that way. Please. You're fine with your lying, cheating, stealing, and general unseemly behavior, but you've got issues with sex as bargaining chip? Get over it. It's 10 minutes out of your day, you'll spend more time at the Wendy's drive-thru. Now go!

April is still suspicious of big-haired Nicholas, he's still stupidly trying to dominate Sue Ellen with the Valentine merger/buyout/whatever the hell it is, Sue Ellen is still refusing to let April have any part of whatever it is, April is still jogging a lot. I think that catches us up with that thread.

Lately we've been seeing yet another new character, Lisa, who apparently is stalking little Christopher, taking pics of him at a museum and "accidentally" letting Bobby slam into her at an ice-skating rink while Christopher is out in the middle of said ice, looking homely. Then all three of them have ice cream. This is a sure sign that trouble lurks around the corner.

Ray mysteriously takes off for D.C. to meet with Donna (we don't actually see her, natch, Susan Howard is long gone at this point), which sends Jenna into a slight tizzy and Charly into a much more violent tizzy that the world is surely coming to an end, since at her age she's one huge hormone vat and goes off the deep end every time the wind blows.

And to end this entry, a personal note to the stylists on the show: STOP MESSING WITH LINDA GRAY'S HAIR. Seriously. The little bun on the top of the head you introduced this season? Stop it. It makes Sue Ellen look like a misguided lesbian school teacher. Not that there's anything wrong with lesbians, school teachers or buns, but that is NOT Sue Ellen's look.

And don't get me started on whoever thought it would be fun to sculpt the ponytail sticking straight up from the top of Linda's head. Dear gawd. THAT stylist was clearly on acid and should be fired. This is "Dallas", not a Wang Chung video. Style accordingly.

#4 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 7

This is the one where Clayton has his big-ass heart attack at the Oil Baron's ball.

(Okay, for this purists, he has his SECOND heart attack, but we didn't get to actually SEE the first one, so it doesn't really count. People babbling about a past heart attack while sitting in a doctor's office is not the same as someone actually clutching their chest and hitting the deck. Sayin.)

But that happens at the end of the episode, leading to the traditional "freeze frame" at the end that they always did on this show. I don't like those freeze frames. I suppose at the time, everybody thought, "wow, that's cool and dramatic". Now, I just think "that looks all grainy and crappy on DVD".

Anyway, before Clayton rudely falls ill during the festivities, we have to catch up on various plot threads since the beginning of this season...

We have April, ex-wife of Jack Ewing, the one who finagled 200 million out of the Ewings, somewhat rightly so. I understand she was initially brought in as a scheming vixen thing, but I actually always liked the character. For some reason, they gave her a little more depth than some of the other characters. (Can you say "Mandy Winger"?) She disappeared for a while, but now she's back, in a number of ways.

They have April trying to bitch-slap Cliff back into reality about the "Dandy" thing. She's all up in the grill with Sue Ellen and the Nicholas Pearce character who is supposedly helping Sue Ellen get the "Valentine" operation back into a profitable arena. And April has some sidebar action with this Nicholas guy, wherein we learn that she doesn't trust him. Neither would I, what with the tremendous amount of hair that the actor Jack Scalia brings to the role. That 'do of his takes over the entire screen.

Marilee Stone is back, tramp with money, wallering around in bed with anybody that will look her way for longer than two seconds. Did you know that the actress who plays Marilee is named "Fern Fitzgerald"? Seriously. I mean, hey, the trollop looks good in a bathing suit, but did her agent talk to her about that name? Shoo. Anyway, with the help of J.R., Marilee/Fern is naughtily tangled up with....

Andrew Stevens, in his role as "Casey Denault". He's supposedly the son of some dead guy that did nasty things at J.R.'s behest in the past. (Who didn't, right?) Casey mainly stands around and says things to J.R. like "my daddy always said you were the best", so you know right off he's a total idiot and deserves having to sleep with the hoover that is Marilee.

Meanwhile, Ray Krebs and Jenna Wade are dancing around each other, with the possibility of marriage as the fence between them. These two have already had a session of afternoon delight in the horse barn (it's Texas, people), so we know the writers intend for them to be together. Why all this hem-hawing, with Jenna feigning troubled bewidlerment, Ray feigning confusion, and Jenna's daughter Charly feigning the ability to act.

And then we get to the Oil Baron's ball. With Jenna/Prisicilla wearing a purple sparkly ribbon in her hair the size of Detroit. Clayton runs up on the stage, announces that the Oilman of the Year is Punk Anderson (Um. We really haven't even seen that character for at least 3 seasons. What the hell?), clutches his chest, then plummets to the ground. J.R. grabs a handily available microphone and screams out that we need a doctor because Clayton has had a heart attack. Like he's medically qualified for this pronouncement. Sure.

Cut to shot of Miss Ellie clawing at her face in overwhelming anguish. Very dramatic and well-done. But the underlying motivation for Barbara Bel in this scene was NOT that her character was experiencing shock and grief, although it played that way. In reality, she was shedding tears of joy. Barbara was relieved that they had FINALLY gotten to the heart attack scene after countless foreshadowing episodes full of "something might be wrong with Clayton's health!". She was over it, we were over it, the Reagan Administration was over it.

Time to move on.

#3 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 6

Okay, more fallout from Pam's "don't hate me cause I'm NOT beautiful" escape into the wilderness....

We have little Christopher, with his freckles and pathetic bowl-cut hairdo, all distraught and telling daddy Bobby that mommy Pammy ran away because he is ADOPTED and is somehow the spawn of the Anti-Christ. (Get over it, ya little munchkin. If you knew the REAL details of your past, you would never get out of therapy.) Anyway, Christopher cries, Bobby cries, Miss Ellie cries, even though she wasn't in the scene, she's just a good crier so they have lots of stock footage of her doing just that.

So then Bobby heads into the fake town of Braddock and starts drinking at a bar. We all know what's coming, since this is "Dallas". If a Ewing goes into a bar, chances are pretty strong that there's going to be a brawl for no intelligent reason. And this episode delivers on that expected plot device. Some slut-whore gets all pissy cause Bobby won't take her right there on the bar, and suddenly there are 37 drunken hicks with pool sticks ready to kick some Ewing ass.

Of course Bobby, also drunk, manages to pulverize all the primates in the whole building without really breaking a sweat. J.R. arrives (after all the physicality has pretty much run its course, natch) and drags Bobby out, telling the inbred bartender to send the bill to Ewing Ranch. Like everybody has THAT info in their cowhide address book. Oh, and everybody is comforting the slut-whore. Because her hair got messed up or something. Not clear.

Side note, did anyone ever stop to think that if it were legal to shoot slut-whores on sight as they enter a room, we might be able to balance the national budget AND achieve world peace? Food for thought.

Incidentally, for those Dallas-worshipping purists that know every iota there is to know about this show? THIS is the season with big bows in the hair, especially Jenna Wade/Priscilla Presley. It's only episode 6, and they have managed to attach ginormous bow contraptions to Jenna's head at least 20 times. These things are incredibly ugly, they upstage everyone in the scene, and I don't know how Priscilla can even stand upright for more than three seconds without her head snapping off. I hope she was paid well.

My partner insists that this "bow thing" was incredibly popular in real life at the time. I don't remember this at all, and we're basically the same age. Where was I, when people were supposedly wearing reinforced-steel covered in paisley on their heads? Drawing a total blank. Of course, my partner might just be lying, because we've been together long enough that torturing each other with BS is now just as exciting as sex. You know what I mean. Yes, you DO.

#2 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 5

Okay, I must admit that I never watched this show during it's live run in primetime. Had no interest, didn't care. I was all about other things at the time, and just didn't join the bandwagon.

That being said, my partner convinced me a few years ago that watching the show from the beginning would eventually suck me in. So we've been buying the seasons as they are released (And what is up with the release schedule on these things? You can go years with nothing, and then you get two seasons released within months of each other.)

Anyway, to localize where we are, Pam Ewing was in a horrible car crash, involving an explosion and fire, at the end of Season 10. For the first several episodes of Season 11, Pam is in the hospital, swathed in mummy-like bandages, unable to speak or even move, while various characters parade through her hospital room, acting sad. There were other things going on during these initial Season 11 episodes, but it's really not important since I'm not reviewing THOSE episodes. And besides, it's "Dallas". Most of the scenes are not meant for actual story development, but rather as cues for the music director to amp up his score.

So, by the end of the episode, we learn that Pam (who can't speak or move, did I mention that?) has arranged for herself to be "kidnapped" out of the hospital. She's heading for the hills, to spare Bobby and her son from having to cast their refined eyes on someone who might not be stunningly beautiful. ("Remember me as I was", says the tear-stained letter to Bobby, written by a woman with non-functioning hands.)

What the hell? No wonder this country is in the state it's in. We have TV shows telling viewers that if they are ugly in any way, they'd best run like the wind to avoid somehow damaging the ones they love. I am not perfect, and therefore must flee.

Good gawd.

#1 - "Nurse Jackie" - Season 1, Episode 1

First, it stars Edie Falco. LOVE her. You throw Edie into the mix, she's gonna make it work if she can, so it's up to the producers to muck it up. Happily, somebody decent is in control. This pilot episode managed to walk the very fine line of balancing the good and bad in a character. No BS about making the character saintly so we can forgive her sins. Just show us what she's going through, and let the chips fall. Yay.

The supporting characters are very intriguing. Lots of potential stories. All of them are flawed to some degree, didn't really see a rote depiction, with the slightly possible exception of the new "nurse trainee". Be careful with that one. Nurse Jackie does need a newbie to the scene that can grow with her, but don't make it trite. Watching the previews after the episode, it seems the trainee has some punch in the future epiodes. Again with the "yay".

Best scene? Well, there were actually quite a few that I liked, but for some reason the one that really sticks is when Nurse Jackie is on the street, tells one of those "bike messenger types" to be safe out there (you have to see the episode to understand why), he spews a rude response, and Jackie takes something out of her purse and punctures his bike tire. That's the essence of the show thus far, she's trying to do the right thing, don't be an ass about it.

There is a surprise twist, of course. Up until the end of the episode, circumstances lead you to believe that Jackie is a single woman. Then, hello, we find out in the final moments that she has an apparent husband and two daughters. Which totally spins everything you've seen up to that point.

And therein lies a great character. Layer upon layer, possible secrets, and not always nice revelations. Fingers crossed, hope this one works. Seriously.