#125 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 6

We start out with Jackie fiddling with a snow globe, probably because it somehow reminds her of pills. Then the camera pulls back and we see that she is lounging in bed with Eddie, presumably at his place. (Well, for all we know, it could be a Crate & Barrel display, but we’ll go with it being Eddie’s pad.)

They have a conversation wherein we learn that Eddie thinks vinyl is better than digital, Jackie hasn’t listened to music since Teletubbies invaded her house (no further details are given), and that Eddie really wants to know a lot more about her life. Jackie thinks this is rude, blurts out “I like YOU, and not just because you have drugs”, then she stomps out. But not before adding, “stay away from my family.”

Jackie arrives back home, where Kevin is making popcorn. Jackie pretends to be interested in this boring activity and tries to not look like she just had sex with someone she supposedly can‘t stand and is not her husband. Then there’s a cattle herd noise, and here come Gracie, Fiona and that obnoxious hellion Caitlin running in from the other room. Caitlin clearly trips Fiona on purpose, sending her sprawling, but Jackie and Kevin don’t notice this because they’re busy denying that their relationship is in trouble.

We’re not sure if it’s just the trauma from the fall, but little Fiona races up to Jackie explaining that she would really like to have a broken arm for her birthday so she can wear a cast. Jackie is not particularly supportive of this request. Then we have several instances of devil-child Caitlin verbally tormenting little Fiona until Jackie finally snaps, grabbing the heathen and telling her to “Shut the f*** up!” Caitlin gets a satisfyingly frightened look on her face.

This altercation sends Jackie to the basement, where she digs around in her trusty Easter Decorations pill box, only to find that all the eggs are empty. Uh oh. So she has to traipse back upstairs, non-medicated, and sit on the couch with Kevin while the three girls watch something animated and uninteresting on TV. Jackie to Kevin: “Do you know where my Joni Mitchell albums are?” (No idea.)

Cut to the hospital, where Zoey is being cranky and odd. No one cares, so she stops this after a bit. Then we have some squabbling between Dr. Cooper, Jackie, Zoey and Sam as they fight over who has to help a patient clean himself after he goes number two. Not sure what that’s all about, and fairly certain that we didn’t need to see that.

Then another victim is rushed in, this one being a woman who, we eventually learn, tried to kill herself by driving her motorcycle into something that wasn’t soft. She’s a mess, ruptured spleen and such. Her husband/boyfriend/something paces anxiously in the waiting room, thinking it was just an accident.

During all this mess, some pharmaceutical salesman wanders in, trying to interest Jackie in his wares. She gets all militant, telling him to get back over “the yellow line”, this is not the time. He mentions something about free samples, and suddenly she’s all ears, snatching up everything he proffers. Then she heads to the nearest restroom and has a nice snack.

Next we have Zoey and Jackie, where Zoey is still acting crazed and weird. Jackie: “Is it the hormones or what? And did you ever take a pregnancy test?” Zoey: Nope, I just KNOW. (Test or not, Zoey, you’re really getting on my nerves with this. Go talk to the writers and have them whip up some more interesting scenes for you.)

Mrs. Akalitus comes marching through, dragging a life-size paper doll of Dr. Cooper. She pulls Jackie off to one side: Whether you like this concept of Coop being a pin-up for the hospital or not, you need to deal with it. Then she waves the paper doll around. “These things cost $280 dollars. DON’T vandalize.” (Of course, we know right away that Jackie is going to do just that.)

Akalitus wanders back to her bat cave, and Dr. O’Hara waltzes up because she’s tired of sitting in the Green Room and wants to do some acting. She and Jackie are studying the paper doll thing, thinking of clever put-downs, when Coop himself struts up. They chase him away with insults. Then O’Hara’s phone rings. It’s the mysterious Sarah, TV reporter and apparent bed-mate, and she’s standing right behind them.

O’Hara races into Sarah’s arms, and there’s some tender but discreet re-awakening of dormant lust. To make up for this noisy display of growing passion, they insist that Jackie go to lunch with them. Cut to the handy restaurant next door, where Sarah gets hopped-up on wine and shares a baffling story about she and O’Hara getting horny on an army base and lying to people so they can play slap and tickle. Jackie squirms appropriately.

Back at the hospital, we have another patient wheeled in. This man has an arrow through one of his lungs. (“Some rich guy got drunk and shot it into the air.”) Dr. O’Hara is actually the attending physician, but Coop also wanders in, looking for attention. The two of them snap at each other, so Jackie is the only one paying attention to the patient, and we discover that he’s just had a lung transplant. And guess where the arrow landed?

Quick scene in Mrs. Akalitus’ office, where Coop is whining about being disrespected. He’s sitting next to the giant paper doll that he dragged in. Someone has scribbled “I grab boobs” on it. Wonder who that might have been? Akalitus just looks at Coop like she really needs to change her shoes.

Zoey, praying in the hospital chapel, where Sam and O’Hara began and ended their relationship. (Better watch where you sit, honey.) Zoey gazes in supplication at a statue of Mary. “I’m not ready for this.” I assume she’s talking about her pregnancy. Then again, it’s Zoey. She could easily be referring to a new choice of bagel.

Kevin calls Jackie. “Eddie and I are going out tonight. He got us a table at Susan Sarandon’s really cool ping-pong bar. Isn’t that great?” Jackie quietly snaps the neck of a small, furry animal that happened to hop by.

Zoey comes running up to Jackie: “The rich man who shot the arrow? He sent his driver.” Jackie is SO not impressed with this. She marches up to the driver, and tries to tear him a new one. Turns out, the driver can’t stand his employer, so that takes some of the fun out of it. The driver explains that the criminal charges were dropped because his evil boss has connections. And get this, he sent me on a mission: “I’m here to pick up his arrow.”

Jackie’s eyeballs explode.

She snatches up the arrow and races outside to the fancy car the driver has parked outside. It’s a very plush Mercedes-Benz. (“Only 15 of them were made!” explains the driver.) Trouble is, the owner is not inside. No problem. Jackie takes the arrow and scratches up the paint job around the entire car. The driver just smiles.

Cut to Eddie and Kevin playing ping-pong at the fancy celebrity bar. Jackie walks in, popping a pill as she does so, and then joins them. When Kevin wanders off for more beer, Jackie confronts her crazed lover. “WHY Eddie?” Eddie: “You lie to me, I tell him everything.” And I guess I’m supposed to feel sorry for Jackie at this point, but seriously, she’s the one who initiated the recent round of squat tag. With a crazy man. And she didn’t even get any nice drugs out of the encounter.

Final scene, with Jackie sitting in her kitchen, applying a fake cast to little Fiona’s arm. Jackie: “Are you sure you want this for your birthday?” Fiona: “I know it’s not broken. Nothing’s really broken.”

From the mouths of babes, right? If only we would listen.

Discuss.

#123 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 5

So Jackie wanders into her bedroom, apparently late at night. (Kevin is asleep in the bed) Jackie decides to do some housekeeping RIGHT THEN and grabs a shirt off the floor. In the pocket of this rude article of clothing she finds some movie ticket stubs. Interestingly enough, the ratio of child/adult stubs does not match the known population spread in Jackie’s house. Something’s up.

(On a side note, Jackie, don’t dig in pockets if you don’t want to learn stuff.)

Anyway, Jackie gets that look, flips on a bedside lamp so that her interrogation skills can be clearly seen by all, and she wakes Kevin. Spill, now. Turns out that Kevin and the girls went to dinner and the movies with evil Jenny Flynn and her satanic offspring, Caitlin. Jackie expresses her dissatisfaction with this arrangement, Kevin gets to act frustrated while shirtless, and then suddenly Jackie gets horny. (Perhaps heated discourse just does something for her.)

But the lustiness is short-lived. Jackie quickly changes her mind and decides to sleep on the couch in the living room instead. Well then.

Next morning, Jackie wakes to discover crazy Gracie and little Fiona standing beside the couch, both of them clutching boxes of high-sugar cereal and shoving handfuls of such into their mouths. (Um, Jacks, maybe THAT right there is one contributing factor to Gracie’s obsession with the end of the world. Nobody needs that much artificial energy. Bad things can happen.)

She has a brief conversation with them, where we learn that “Alice in Wonderland” is a really great movie (Fiona) and that it was directed by Tim Burton (Gracie, and of course she would know this because she’s drawn to darkness and men with unkempt hair.) Then Gracie says something flippant and stomps off. To make up for this brashness, Fiona proffers some Fruit Loops for Jackie to eat. And of course Jackie does, because her mouth automatically pops open whenever she spies little, round, colorful things.

Cut to Jackie and Dr. O’Hara having breakfast in that restaurant near the hospital. Jackie’s whining about Jenny, O’Hara is advising on how best to keep secrets from husbands, and Jackie’s back hurts from the couch. This somewhat boring conversation is interrupted when some reporter has breaking news on a TV that is conveniently located nearby.

What the reporter is actually saying is not important. What we’re supposed to learn here is that, first, Jackie really likes this reporter, Sarah Something. Second, O’Hara seems to know way more personal detail about this Sarah than your average rich doctor should. Jackie, about how much she enjoys Sarah’s reporting: “I could NOT love her more.” O’Hara, somewhat muttering: “Well, get in line.”

Oh?

Then we have Jackie and O’Hara strolling through the hospital, where they run into Sam. (Remember that he and O’Hara just “passed the offering plate” in the last episode.) Sam would like a word with O’Hara, but she quickly dismisses him and they move on. O’Hara to Jackie: See, that’s how it’s done. Quick and painless.

Then we have a close-up of Zoey shoving a giant donut in her mouth, while diabetic Thor is sitting in the background. Then there’s a nice conversation about how unglamorous diabetes can be, wherein we learn that Halle Berry gives birth to beautiful children and Mary Tyler Moore is an alcoholic.

Suddenly, Mrs. Akalitus comes stomping up and interrupts all the fun, because that’s what she does best. She announces that “Miguel from Admitting” will now be stationed at the Pill-O-Matics until they can figure out why controlled narcotics are going AWOL all the time. Jackie, looking quite mortified, argues with her for a bit. “You’re making things worse.” Mrs. Akalitus does not care, and she and her 50’s hairstyle march away.

Next we have everybody racing to assist with a patient that sleazy Lenny just rolled in. Seems this guy fell off a building or some such. They get him in one of the rooms, people start doing their thing, and then Zoey grabs a pair of serious scissors and starts to cut the man’s pants off. (I guess this is something that happens all the time.) Zoey lets out a squeal when she discovers a gun in the man’s pocket.

While everybody else screams and panics (including Dr. Cooper), Jackie steps up to finish the scissor action by just cutting the whole pocket out of the man’s jeans. She then marches off to where “Miguel from Admitting” is soundly sleeping next to the Pill-O-Magic machine. She kicks him and hands the weapon over. “Make yourself useful.”

Quick scene with Jackie leaving a message for Kevin. My bad about sleeping on the couch, missed waking up next to you. Call me. Which is sweet and all, but this is Jackie, right? What’s the real motivation?

Another quick scene with Akalitus storming into the room where Coop, Zoey and Jackie are still working on the guy who no longer has a matched set of pockets on his pants. “I understand there was a gun. I want him handcuffed to the bed.” The other three: “But he’s unconscious.” Akalitus: “Don’t care.”

Cut to Akalitus’ office, where Cooper is once again whining about Jackie. She cuts him off, bigger fish to fry. Seems the hospital board has decided they want to do a splashy ad campaign, and they have decided (Akalitus grimaces here but manages to keep going) that they want Dr. Cooper to be their spokes model. Because he’s cute. Not because he’s a good doctor. Surprise!

Cooper, totally pleased with the offer and himself: “hob-knobbing is my gift. That and really tiny stitches.” But first he wants his “team” to look at the contract. He has a team? Please.

Short scene where Jackie manages to steal drugs from the Pill-O-Rama while Miguel is obliviously working on a crossword puzzle. Nice.

Extended scene where there’s some mess about Mrs. Akalitus approving the purchase of cheaper “death kits”, with the little plastic sheet not even beginning to cover a dead body. More importantly, we learn that Sam is knowledgeable about Reflexology, and he grabs Zoey’s hand to demonstrate his skill with a diagnosis. “Something’s up with your uterus.” Whoopsie. Then Zoey slaps him and runs away because… I don’t know. It’s Zoey.

Another patient is wheeled into admitting, this time an elderly woman. I don’t really get all of the details (something about her being abandoned in her own home) because I’m distracted by two things. One is that the woman is waving around hands with freakishly long and nasty fingernails. The other is that the actress doing the waving is none other than Marion Ross, aka Mrs. Cunningham from “Happy Days”. Is Fonzie responsible for this woman‘s condition? Maybe Pinky Tuscadero? Are there going to be more cameos?

While this is going on, O’Hara clatters up and drags Jackie off to the side. She demands that Jackie order Sam to stop looking at her. Jackie: Are you kidding me with this? You made your own bed. O’Hara: “It’s not a bed, it was a one-night stand. Barely that. Just a bump in the chapel!” Jackie just gives her a look and heads back to work.

Scene with Jackie and the clumsy guy who tripped and fell off a building. The whole conversation is in Spanish, but the helpful subtitles inform us that he was carrying an unlicensed gun because people keep stealing his tools and he can’t report this to the police because he’s not legal. Oh boy. In the midst of this, Jackie gets a text from Crazy Eddie. “Still sweeping up vitamins, love you anyway.”

Jackie wanders into the room where they are keeping the neglected Mrs. Cunningham. Zoey is warmly chatting with her, and it becomes clear that Mrs. C is just not all there. (Perhaps she never got over the cancellation of her show.) Zoey shares some surprising news with Jackie: “She has a a 24-hour caregiver, paid for by the state.” Really? Jackie gets that look which means heads are about to roll.

She stomps off to get the woman’s file, then comes back and gently digs for more detail on this supposed care-giver. Turns out this person only shows up once a week or so. As Jackie’s blood continues to boil, Thor comes up and would like to chat with “Renata”. He recognizes her from back in the day, when she used to by a stylist for major Broadway productions.

While Thor and Renata chat, Jackie and Zoey are off to one side, discussing getting old and babies and such. During this, Jackie fesses to Zoey that she has two girls. Pause while Zoey grins. Then Jackie: “That’s all you’re getting.”

A bit later, while Jackie is trying to call someone (not clear), O’Hara totters up again in some really cute boots, and makes Jackie go outside to talk. Cut to them on a bench, where O’Hara has just spilled about having been in a relationship with Sarah the Reporter. Jackie: “Really? You don’t do ANYthing half-ass, do you?” O’Hara thought she was over it, but she’s meeting Sarah in a few days.

Sam comes walking up, and Jackie quickly scurries away so that O’Hara will have to deal with him. He gets right to the point, breaking off the relationship that they really don’t have. Sam: “My girlfriend’s back.” O’Hara: “So’s mine.”

Scene with Zoey talking to sleazy Lenny, and they seem to know a lot more about each other than we first thought, getting slightly intimate with their conversational flow. Zoey: “I think I might be pregnant.” (Oh my, is this Baby Daddy?) Turns out, no he’s not.

Zoey: “It’s not with the guy I like. It’s his brother. One less Jaegermeister and I might have ended up with the one I wanted.”

Lenny: “If no one steps up to the plate, I can be there.”

Cut back inside the hospital, where some woman marches up to Thor. “I’m looking for Renata Thurber.” Thor: “Family?” Woman: “Caregiver.” As soon as she says that, I can’t help but squeal. Jackie gonna get her some of THAT. And here she comes, being all sly. “Why don’t you have a seat, we’ll get you the release forms.”

Suddenly Jackie gets very busy. Zoey tell her that the police are here for the gun, they need a signature. Jackie gets an extra set of scrubs, marches to the room with the illegal, and explains how to escape the hospital and how to care for his wound. Then she uncuffs him. Go! Jackie then intercepts the police officer and asks him to follow her.

They approach the care-giver while Jackie explains that the officer will need to take the woman in for “aggravated neglect and endangerment.”

Care-giver: “Who the hell are you?”

“I’m Jackie Peyton. Nice to meet you.”

The officer takes the woman away.

Later, after work, Jackie calls someone. “I’m sorry about all this. Wanna talk?”

Cut to Jackie meeting Eddie (yes, Eddie) outside a movie theater. “You gotta toughen up.” Then they go inside to watch “Alice in Wonderland” while a jazzy little number plays on the soundtrack…

Hmm.

#120 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 4

So we start out with Jackie marching down the sidewalk on a busy street. She looks none too happy. (To be fair, she never really looks happy, but she’s sporting a Defcon-4 sour expression at the moment, so somebody’s going to get hurt.) I’m assuming that she’s still steaming from encountering former-lover, now-psycho Eddie in her own home and apparently best friends with her hubby Kevin.

Sure enough, she stomps into the pharmacy where Eddie works, hijacks his conversation with a elderly woman who just wants her government pills, and then sends the addled woman on her confused way. Then she focuses on Whack Job. “You cannot come into my house, Eddie!”

Eddie, because he’s not exactly firmly grasping the concepts of reality and a woman with a mission, professes his love for her and really doesn’t want to hear anything else. When Jackie reiterates that “do not come into my house” really means “do not come into my house”, Eddie gets a wee bit bitter, even though he manages to hit the nail on the head with his retort. “You’re just greedy.” You want everything. Your way.

Jackie, who obviously has some anger management issues and a considerable inability to properly handle the truth, does not care for this remark. She yells some more threats (even though we know instantly that Eddie is not listening), and then she destroys a very nice display of vitamins that somebody spent a lot of time constructing. Like that’s going to help in any way.

Once she’s back outside, Jackie calls Kevin. Hey, why don’t you send our unbalanced children to your sisters for the evening so we can have a date night? Translation, I’m going to keep you busy so that you won’t have an opportunity to pal around with your new bestie that is really my old bestie that I slept with until that damn automatic pill-dispenser came onto the scene.

Cut to Zoey and Sam at the hospital. Sam is babbling away, possibly trying to be philosophical, but it’s so boring that it comes across as white noise. Zoey puts a stop to this. “I don’t do chatty.” Interesting expression, Zoey. Isn’t that the same phrase Jackie threw your direction when you burst through the doors last season, with your Hello Kitty accessories and your inability to shut up?

Suddenly none of this matters, as right then a woman races into the Emergency Room. Her young child has stopped breathing. Not good. Zoey races over, grabs the child, and starts screaming for a doctor as she hustles to an examining room.

There’s not a doctor immediately available, so it’s up to Zoey and Thor to do what they can. Then we have an amazingly-directed scene where Zoey just takes charge. All background noise drops, and we only hear the conversation between the two. Zoey gets the child breathing again with intubation (Thor: “You’re not legally allowed to…”), and then calmly stays in control when the child’s heartbeat flatlines. In the end, she saves the day. A few minutes later, Dr. O’Hara arrives and Zoey quietly slips away.

Thor to O’Hara: “She saved his life. Twice. But she might have done something that she…”

O’Hara: “Then why are we still talking about it?”

Now we’re at the Nurses’ station, where some nasty EMT guy (Lenny) is irritating everyone as he slurps Mountain Dew, crunches on chips, and is generally a pig. Zoey and Thor make disparaging remarks about his unwanted presence, but he doesn’t get it. Pigs usually don’t. That’s why they’re pigs.

Jackie wanders up, pulls Zoey to the side, and actually reprimands her for what she just did while saving the child. Zoey is stunned. “You are the last person I expected that from. I was only doing what needed to be done.” (Seriously, Jacks, what’s up with you?)

Then Mrs. Akalitus strolls up, spies the piggy EMT, and barks out an amazing line of dialogue: “Don’t eat by the urine!” (Must have been a fun meeting when the script-writers came up with THAT mess.)

Cut to Jackie and Dr. Cooper attending to a chemo patient who is really having a hard time with the side-effects. Can’t keep anything down, nothing is helping his pain, and he’s just not doing well. Jackie: “Have you tried smoking pot?” Coop nearly implodes.

A few minutes later, he corners her outside the examining room. He’s livid that she would dare to suggest an illegal activity to a patient. (Go look in the mirror, Coop. There are so many kinds of wrong going on with you right now. You have a PUBLICIST, for cryin out loud.) Jackie: “I’m gonna make a suggestion if it helps a patient.”

In another examining room, we have Dr. O’Hara and Sam reviewing a patient. Initially, there’s lots of boring medical talk, then we realize that the banter has turned to actual flirting. Next thing you know, both of them are racing off to the hospital chapel (the CHAPEL!) where they go at it like rabbits. In the midst of the lusty frenzy, Sam fesses up that he has a girlfriend. O’Hara: “So do I.”

What?

Scene with Jackie in Mrs. Akalitus’ office. Aka first asks about how things are going with Jackie’s creepy little child that worships death. It’s going okay, hard to get an appointment with the fancy psychiatrist that Aka recommended, but anyway. Then Akalitus gets to the real point. Seems Dr. Cooper has already complained about Jackie and her Janis Joplin world-view concerning illicit drugs. Jackie is not impressed. Akalitus: “I’m not a prude, Jackie. I was at Woodstock.” Jackie: “No you weren’t.”

Back at the Nurses’ station, Jackie and sleazy Lenny are engaged in some mindless chatter about a caricature. O’Hara waltzes into the scene, and Jackie’s radar starts beeping. She marches up to O’Hara: “Lunch. Now.”

Cut to a nearby restaurant, where Jackie digs for gold. O’Hara: “I shagged a nurse.” When Jackie appears to be appalled at the sordid details, O’Hara changes the subject. (Always a good move when people are not impressed with your lust for life.) “Tell me about Eddie. Do you think he’ll go to Kevin and spill the beans?” Jackie: Nope. (Said with hesitation, make a note.) O’Hara: “Do you love him?” Jackie takes the Fifth.

Now we’re at Kevin’s bar, where psycho Eddie wanders in, waving some primo tickets to the Mets game that night. Wanna go? Kevin sadly admits that it’s date night with the Missus. Eddie: Well then, don’t wanna upset Jackie. Then his eyes sparkle with madness as he accepts a proffered beer from Kevin.

Quick scene with O’Hara buying a bouquet of flowers. Who knows.

Next up is Sam and Thor at an elevator or some such, not sure where they are. Sam’s all twitchy, clearly unnerved about something. (Perhaps the carnal activities in the House of God?) Thor tries to be supportive, remembering that Sam is struggling to stay on the wagon with his drug issues. Thor: “Consider me your work-place sponsor. You can tell me anything.” Sam: “I slept with a doctor.” Thor, immediately changing his tune: “I’m not talking to you.” Then he races away.

Jackie stops by to visit the cancer patient, who has been checked out and is ready to leave. Jackie offers to push him to the exit in a wheelchair (protocol, natch). As they roll through the ward, they pass Coop explaining to Zoey that he now has over 1,000 followers on Twitter. Zoey doesn’t care. We don’t care. Nobody cares except for Coop. He pauses to tweet about the situation.

Just before Jackie wheels the cancer patient out the doors, she grabs an apple off a passing meal cart, meaning that somebody is going to be really disappointed in a few minutes. Once outside, Jackie rolls her patient up to nasty Lenny’s ambulance. They clamor inside, wherein Jackie proceeds to make a bong out of the apple and then crams it full of some Lenny weed. She then instructs the patient on the art of apple-bonging. He instantly feels better than he has in months.

Nasty Lenny: Dude, how did you know I had weed?

Jackie: Mountain Dew and Doritos? Done.

Nasty Lenny: But the apple thing?

Jackie: Jones Beach. Toto concert. Back in the day.

Me: I really led a sheltered life.

Patient, feeling the effects of the special apple juice: “I’m actually hungry. Can we turn on the siren?”

Back in the hospital, Zoey is fiddling with something, when Dr. O’Hara slinks in the door. O’Hara places the mysterious bouquet of flowers on the counter, then pretends to study some charts. As Zoey looks at her questioningly, O’Hara explains: “They’re for you. Good work.”

LUV me some Dr. O’Hara. Despite the questionable dalliance among the pews.

Zoey doesn’t even know how to respond, so she acts instead, wandering off to call an elevator. The doors are just about to close when Jackie races up and jumps on the elevator with her. But they don’t say anything to each other. Gee, Jackie, feeling a little guilty about being a black kettle?

They exit the elevator on the pediatric floor, where Zoey gazes at the sleeping child she rescued. They stand there for a bit, then Zoey surprises us. “I think I’m pregnant.” Another pause. Then Jackie reaches out and briefly smoothes Zoey’s hair before pulling her hand back. Nice moment.

Later, as Jackie is preparing to leave the hospital for the night, she gets a call from Kevin. Can we push Date Night back a few hours? Tickets to the Mets game and all. Then Jackie hears Eddie in the background. “Put him on!” Eddie takes the phone from Kevin. Jackie: “Do NOT do this!” Eddie ignores her, because he’s in full-tilt psycho mode. Great. The fun never ends.

Cut to Jackie in her empty house, making cookies, with one of the ingredients being wacky weed. She then traipses off to the cancer guy’s apartment and hands him the goodies. Just “one of these a day” should do it. Here’s a half-cookie to get you through the evening. Then Jackie proceeds to clean out the guy’s refrigerator while he relaxes and watches the Mets game….

#117 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 3

We start in Jackie’s kitchen, where her little girls are making cupcakes while Gracie worries about the world coming to an end. Wait, there’s a third girl. Who the hell is that? She looks slightly familiar, we’ve seen her somewhere…

Then Jackie waltzes in the door and spies the extra urchin. She greets her real daughters, grimaces at the bonus cupcake girl, then wanders off to confront Kevin in the other room. “Why is Caitlin here?” (Ah yes, Caitlin. The daughter of Jenny Flynn, Kevin’s girlfriend from way back in the day when Jackie’s drug use was recreational and not a lifestyle. We hate the little brat and her Mommy.)

Kevin: “You said Gracie needed play dates with her friends.” Caitlin is the only friend that Gracie has. There you have it. Jackie sighs. Kevin then whines about Gracie’s tuition and bills in general. Jackie brings up the O’Hara offer of a trust fund for the little darlings. Kevin wants nothing to do with O’Hara. “She’s crazy. She lives in a HOTEL.”

A bit later, Jackie is in the basement, snorting yet another line of something. Nosey Caitlin comes tramping down the stairs, babbling about wanting to see the bomb shelter that Gracie said was down here, and spies Jackie playing Hoover games. “What’s up with the straw?” Jackie, very impressively, makes up a story about nurses needing to dry out their tear ducts so they don’t bring their hospital sadness home to their families. Caitlin clearly isn’t buying it, so you know the little wretch is going to spill at some point.

Doorbell rings. It’s Jenny Flynn, here to pick up nasty Caitlin. She’s bearing a covered dish. “Caitlin says you guys order a lot of pizza.” Jackie gives her a look that could cause lesser women to spontaneously combust. Then Jenny and Caitlin tag team on Gracie, trying to make fun of the way Gracie insists that everybody was their hands every two minutes.

Jackie quickly shoves the meddling duo out the door, and then throws the gift casserole in the trash.

Next we have Coop at the drugstore where Eddie now works. Coop, in his odd way, actually tries to show some sympathy for Eddie’s suicide attempt, and is just checking on him. At the same time, Coop is tweeting to his followers during the conversation, and waving around a magazine where Coop has been listed as one of the top 25 doctors in Manhattan. (I guess the review panel is unaware of the breast-grabbing issue and his general inability to correctly diagnose a patient.) Sadly, Eddie quizzes Coop about Jackie, still pining for details. He’s just not going to let it go.

Jackie and O’Hara at the hospital, with Jacks initially moaning about the atrocity that is Jenny Flynn, but then she also admits that Kevin is not comfortable about the trust fund. O’Hara: “He should be uncomfortable about a daughter who’s a lap-dancer!’ Let me help! Then Coop wanders by, singing and dancing on his cloud of self-worth, and drops off a copy of The Magazine where he has been proclaimed Worthy. As he twitters and skitters away, O’Hara flips through the magazine with increasing frustration. She’s not even listed! (Oh boy, we’re going to hear about this for a while.)

Then everybody in the ER has to pay attention as they wheel in a victim, some dog show person who was mauled in the face while trying to give CPR to a prize-winning something or other. Jackie notices that the man is moaning “nuts” over and over. Turns out this guy’s “baggage” his been ripped open by the unappreciative mutt, and Coop discovers that his testicles have migrated. (Zoey: “Just like birds!” Poor thing.) We end the scene with Coop and Jackie bickering over the proper way to handle the man’s injuries.

Jackie finally wanders out to consult with the victim’s wife. Apparently this woman really loves dogs. A whole lot. Perhaps more than her husband. Jackie decides that she has better things to do and moves to end the conversation.

Jackie: “By the way, your husband’s testicles have migrated.”

Wife: “Migrated?”

Jackie: “We’ll let you know.”

Cut to Thor, Zoey and Sam standing around, pretending to do something medical but not really because they’re only actors. Thor to Zoey: “Are you wearing eye shadow?” Zoey: “No. Maybe. Why?” Thor makes a flippant hand gesture and heads some place where he can act like he’s not thinking about donuts. Sam: “You look really nice.” Zoey: “Back off.”

Coop and Mrs. Akalitus come waltzing up, because that’s what the script said to do, and she gives him some package. He rips it open, and it’s a fancy framed thing proclaiming him as “Doctor Number 23 In Manhattan.” He grins and gloats. Sam: “You paid a publicist!” Coop: “Um…” More discussion wherein it’s obvious that Coop basically paid for this little ranking thing. That boy is just not right in the head.

Jackie wanders up. Zoey can barely contain herself as she whisks Jackie to the side and spills about the publicist thing. Jackie: Are you serious? Zoey: “HE told me,” and then looks glowingly at Sam. Jackie makes a face because, well, she hates Sam.

Quick scene with O’Hara and an EMT that has somehow managed to dislocate a finger. O’Hara, still flipping through the magazine that doth not bear her name, grudgingly agrees to take a look. Then she releases her anger by viciously yanking on the painful finger, screaming that “lists mean NOTHING”, and finally wanders away, leaving the poor EMT to crawl her way to the employment office and give notice.

Next we have Jackie doing something at the automatic pill-dispensing machine (translation, she’s jacking with it to get free drugs). Zoey comes skipping up and basically catches on to the fact that Jackie is trying to user other employee ID’s to get goodies. As in Zoey’s ID. Jackie scoffs. Of course I’m not. And why are YOU here? Zoey: “I need some morphine from the gumball machine.”

Jackie laffs it up at that remark, hoping to distract Zoey from Jackie’s Ocean’s 13 subterfuge and steer the conversation to more innocent ground. Jackie: “Are you wearing perfume?” Zoey: Might be. Why? Does it make me smell old? Jackie: Not saying that. But you smell like Mrs. Akalitus.

Zip over to the ER room, where Mrs. Akalitus pulls Jackie to the side and tells her she needs to work an additional half a shift. (Jackie doesn’t really fight this, because it means she will have more quality time with the pill-dispensing machine.) Coop then prances through, tweeting away to his apparent fans. Akalitus takes this opportunity to berate him about the actual pointlessness of using Twitter all the time. (This makes me feel much better about my measly 12 Twitter followers and the fact that I haven’t sent a single post in months.) This fun time is interrupted by Zoey racing up and sniffing at Akalitus’ neck. “Are you wearing Gwen Stefani?” Aka just looks at her with pity.

Cut to Jackie in one of the hospital bathrooms, where she snorts a line of something, chases out a woman who is swigging cheap alcohol from a plastic bottle, and then calls Kevin. “I have to work late.” Uh oh, Kevin is working late as well. What to do with our disturbed daughters? Kevin: “I could call Jenny Flynn.” Jackie practically rips a sink off the wall. “NO! You will not call Jenny.” Anybody else will do. (Cue dramatic music on the soundtrack to foreshadow Kevin’s potentially disastrous choice of babysitter.)

Quick scene in the mauled dog trainer’s room, where a urologist and a plastic surgeon are arguing over which procedure should come first. Fix the face or fix the scrotum? If you delay either procedure, the second operation may not be as successful. Jackie wanders into this surreal conversation, and leans down to hear the patient‘s thoughts on the mattter. He clearly wants his tackle up and running. That’s a man for you. I might be ugly, but at least my gear works. Therefore, I retain my god-like status with the ladies. Geez.

O’Hara and Zoey intersect paths in some hallway, and O’Hara instantly knows something is up with Zoey and her geeky attempt at femininity. O’Hara looks her up and down, then barks “Who is it?” Zoey: Um, nobody really, but there’s a party later, and a guy that might be there, and, well, you know. So, what do you think? O’Hara studies Zoey in her Garanimals outfit for a few seconds longer, then issues her advice. “Hair down.” Then she turns and marches away. Zoey rips off her scrunchie with lightning speed.

Another quick scene where Jackie corners Sam about his “publicist” comment concerning Coop and the questionable magazine ranking. “You need to refrain from discussing personal information about co-workers.” Really? Even though the news had to have made your day? Sam: You’re going to nail me every time, no matter what I do. Probably true. Careful, Jackie. Something tells me that Sam might just be the person you need in a future episode.

As Jackie leaves the hospital for the night, she suddenly approaches a woman who is nursing her baby in the waiting room and berates her for doing so. Not really sure of the whole story, since most of the conversation is in Spanish and there are no subtitles for those of us who are thirty years away from high-school Spanish. Was this the woman Jackie shoved out of the restroom? Hard to tell, since we basically only saw the woman’s lips and the bottle of hooch.

Now we have O’Hara and Mrs. Akalitus running into each other in the God Hallway where Jackie makes life decisions while piano music plays on the soundtrack. Akalitus is sitting at the base of the Mary statue, busily shoving a granola bar or something in her mouth. O’Hara: “I’ve never seen you eat.” Akalitus: “I like to hide my humanity whenever possible.”

O’Hara decides to join her at the feet of Mary, and then launches, still fussing about the stupid magazine where Coop had a cameo and she didn’t even get a footnote. Akalitus: “Do you REALLY care?” Apparently O’Hara does, because she fidgets with her couture and doesn’t directly answer. Akalitus: “Would it help to know that you’re in my all-time top 5?” O’Hara: “Who are the other four?”

We end the episode with Jackie finally dragging her butt home. She enters the house with her normal weary and overwhelmed attitude, hears the kids laughing and playing in the other room, and goes to greet them.

Only to find that Kevin is there with the babysitter he apparently found. And the babysitter’s name is Eddie. THAT Eddie. Surprise!

Gee, Jackie, guess you didn’t really think this thing through. You were so insistent that Kevin didn’t allow an old ex-girlfriend to be near your children (who are already so messed up that Godzilla could babysit them without any real trauma), you actually opened the door for something much more hazardous. The man you boinked to ensure a steady supply of drugs, the man who faked a suicide to get your attention, is now sitting on your living room floor and playing Chutes and Ladders with your troubled offspring.

Would you like to make a statement to the press now, Jackie?

Welcome home…

#114 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 2

So we start out in the basement of Jackie’s home, where she’s distractedly trying to iron somebody’s clothes. After a bit, she realizes that the iron isn’t even hot, then discovers that someone has unplugged the thing, probably with vicious and evil intent. Right in the midst of this domestic trauma, she gets a text from Eddie. “I’m SO Sorry.” I assume that he’s referring to the fact that he rudely tried to kill himself just so she would take his calls.

This irritating bit of social networking causes Jackie to temporarily abandon her attempt at conquering wrinkles, and she clamors around the basement until she finds a box of Easter decorations. She digs around in the box until she locates a stash of Vicodin cleverly hidden in a plastic egg. She pops one pill, pockets the rest, and suddenly her day is much brighter. (Imagine the Easter egg hunt around THIS place.)

A bit later, she trudges upstairs, whining about things being unplugged, and we learn that neurotic little Gracie is responsible for the disconnecting of things all over the house. Seems her latest unhealthy obsession centers around the house burning down. (Guess she’s moved on from the exploding sun of the last episode.) She’s even saved her allowance and picked out the particular smoke alarm that she would like to have installed. Isn’t she cute?

Then we’re on the sidewalk outside the hospital, where a clearly-looped Dr. O’Hara is babbling about something while she squirts mustard on a hot dog. She fesses up to taking a bit of Ecstasy, thinking it would wear off before she had to, you know, OPERATE on people and such. With O’Hara’s British accent and the drug still coursing through her veins, I really have no idea what she’s saying. Some mess about taking Jackie’s girls out of school and they all move to Switzerland. Maybe. I really don’t know.

Then a taxi pulls up, and out tumbles a mussed-up Zoey. As she staggers past them without noticing either of them, O’Hara and Jackie theorize on what might have led to this situation. O’Hara thinks that Zoey “got her pipes cleaned.” Jackie is frightened by this image. “It’s like seeing Santa naked.”

Quick scene with Jackie in one of the examining rooms. Anxious parents are concerned over the breathing problems of their little boy, afraid he might have Cystic Fibrosis. (Suddenly the frivolity of a stoned O’Hara shoving a hot dog in her mouth loses its charm.) Jackie promises to help them get an expensive “sweat test”. Hang tight.

O’Hara, still flying high and thinking she’s Isadora Duncan whilst dancing down the hall, slams into a startled Zoey, then apologizes and gives her a scarf. Zoey responds as if she’s just been knighted by The Queen. Jackie interrupts the love fest and drags O’Hara off to an examining room, hooking O’Hara up to an IV so she can re-hydrate. (No wonder my insurance premiums are so high.)

O’Hara insists on a trashy magazine to read while her buzz fades. Jackie goes searching and finds that the ER supply of said reading material has been snatched up by Thor and hidden in his drawer. When Jackie slightly berates him, he sulks. “Please don’t amplify my shame.”

Attention-starved Eddie shows up at Kevin’s bar. Eddie chirpily asks about Jackie’s jewelry: “She like that ring you got her?” Kevin’s a little thrown by the question, how would Eddie know about this? Then he shrugs it off. (Dude, when people know things about you that they shouldn’t theoretically know, it’s time to move and have your name legally changed. Don’t you watch the Horror Channel?) When Kevin asks where Eddie’s been lately, Eddie smiles and says “I tried to kill myself.” Just kidding. Hee hee. Then they make a toast to Jackie and bond over sporting events.

There are some messed-up people on this show. Just sayin.

Dr. Cooper finally wanders in to check on the little boy who might have Cystic Fibrosis. When he tries to explain what CF is and how you test for it, the parents babble that Jackie has already explained all of this. She’s nice, we love her. This, of course, sends Coop into a jealous tizzy. He and Jackie then bicker openly in front of the parents, while the little boy pretends to color in a book and wonders if he should get a new agent.

As Jackie and Coop storm out of the room, Coop actually whips out some device and makes a Twitter update about the patient exam he just performed. Seriously. Jackie, understandably, is incensed. That is so wrong. Coop, of course, doesn’t see the problem, and wanders off to go do something else immoral and obnoxious.

Then we have some Sam and Zoey bonding (this can only lead to trouble), with Sam complimenting her scarf and Zoey proudly beaming that it’s from “Herms”, which she just knows has to be a fancy store. They stroll along the sidewalk in front of the hospital as their twisted friendship glows and blossoms. To show that they are now besties, Zoey points out the crazy man in a nearby building who thinks he’s God.

On cue, God leans out his window and starts berating the passersby with insults and absurdity. Sam thinks this is really neat. “I love this guy!” Then God goes too far with his ranting at strangers, and one of them picks up a bottle, hurling it through the air so that it beans God and knocks him to the floor of his apartment. Zoey: “God’s down!”

Frantic scene in an ER room as the staff struggles to stabilize God. Coop actually twitters through the whole thing, making Jackie so mad she could almost spit, but she’s a trooper and focuses on making God comfortable instead of seeking personal validation in 140 characters or less.

A bit later, Zoey slips into the room for some quality time with God. She rambles on about a nunnery and liking boys and other useless nonsense. God, because we‘re all bored with that, stops her and warbles his own tale about almost dying, a light at the end of a tunnel, and the person he saw bathed in that light. (Zoey: “So you saw yourself?”) God gives Zoey and her scarf a dismissive look. No, he DIDN’T see himself, and therefore he can’t be God. (Somebody had to hit him with a bottle before he could figure that out?)

This revelation makes non-God start screaming. Zoey, not wanting to miss out on the fun, starts screaming as well. Then she gets a little uncomfortable with all the noise, and races out of the room. Jackie, because she’s very busy with all her addictions and doesn‘t have time for this, is not going to clean up after Zoey and sends her right back in. “Handle it!”

Then Jackie starts to trot off to some other scene of confusion, and the Vicodin blister pack falls out of her cute little nurse’s smock. Sam, because he lives for drama and accusations, snatches the pills up and confronts Jackie. Are these yours? She denies ownership, they squabble, Jackie demands that Sam give them to her, more squabbling about the proper treatment of unclaimed pills, and we end with Jackie marching Sam to the room with the automatic pill dispenser where she shoves the pills into a lockbox.

Two seconds after they leave the room, Jackie returns with the lockbox key and retrieves her precious goodies.

A bit later, Jackie stomps into Mrs. Akalitus’ office with some demands. First off, Coop needs to cool it with the Twitter thing. Akalitus: He filed a complaint against you for insubordination. Jackie: Don’t care. Second, I’m over Sam and the born-again thing. He’s accusing everybody of being a drug addict. (Um, everybody IS, at least in this place.) Finally, an anonymous nurse would like a referral for a good child psychiatrist. Akalitus smiles warmly as she scribbles the name of someone covered by the hospital insurance. “She was tremendously helpful with my boy.” (Wait, Akalitus has reproduced? I’m scared to leave my own house at this point.)

Jackie, because she meddles, then wanders off to some obscure testing lab, trying to get the scoop on the little boy who might have CF. The prim little testing person initially does not want to share. The tests aren’t done yet. Too early to be sure. And you’re not a doctor. Jackie works her magic (she’s the star of the show, of course she has magic, it’s in her contract) and the testing person finally fesses that things look good. So far.

Jackie races to tell the anxious parents the supposed good news, and they instantly worship her in relief and admiration. Lot of glowing close-ups as the happy family packs up and heads out into the night.

Quick scene in Kevin’s bar, where he and Eddie are still bonding over sports (guess Eddie hasn’t found a new job after being replaced by a machine, so he apparently has some time on his hands). This can only lead to heartbreak, dismay, and twisted future events that require therapy. I do believe that’s Alfred Hitchcock we see walking by on the street outside the window.

Now we have Jackie kicking back in the hospital church, reflecting on…. who knows. She hears some crinkling noises coming from a nearby pew, and discovers Thor with some diabetically contraband donuts, and she challenges him. Why are you doing this? “You’ve already lost sight in one eye.” Thor is amazed, how did she know? (She’s the star of the show, of course she has instant vision-diagnostic skills.) Actually, she figured it out when they were trying to save non-God in the ER. Thor: “You are the only one that knows.”

Then the bonding continues as Thor actually pops out his fake porcelain eye for review and discussion. This scene is one of those that teeters on the fine line between really touching and too bizarre for words. I’ll let it land in the touching camp. After all, you’ve gotta be tight with somebody if you’re going to let her hold your eye, right?

Cut to Zoey with non-God. She’s dragged him to a window and is trying to get him all excited about hurling insults once again. He’s bummed, life is a sham when you aren’t divine. Zoey counsels him: “Maybe you’re like Jesus, or the brother-in-law of God, or something.” Non-God considers this, then finally decides that a second-billing would be fine. He leans out the window and goes to work.

Dr. Cooper confronts Jackie. Where’s the family with the possible CF kid? Jackie gets all better-than-thou. You were screwing around and taking forever so I gave them the good news and sent them home happy. Coop is not pleased. It took forever because I wanted the whole story, and the child DOES have Cystic Fibrosis. Now I’m the bad guy that has to call and ruin their lives.

Jackie: “No. I’ll call them. Give me the phone.”

Final scene has Jackie arriving home, with everyone already tucked into bed. A brief moment of reflection. Then Jackie pulls something out of a bag, studies it for a bit, then leaves it on the kitchen table. It’s a fancy, talking smoke-alarm for Gracie to discover when she wanders down for breakfast in the morning.

Very sweet. But really, Gracie is just going to find something else to worry about until you get to the root of her problem. And isn’t that the theme of this entire show?

#111 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 1

We start out with a really LONG review of what happened last season. I suppose this was meant to catch us up, but what it mainly did was remind me that I ended the previous season not sure that I would watch again. But what the hell. Let’s see if things are any better in this woman’s life.

The first “new” footage involves some artsy shots of colorful pills falling from the sky. Or falling from somewhere. They sure like to make drugs look pretty on this show, at least visually. It’s like a pharmaceutical “Fantasia”.

Then we cut to some unknown beach where Jackie is sprawled out on a towel. She’s soon joined by hubby Kevin, and they have a nice romantic moment where she gives him a card and actually shows emotion for a few seconds. She appears to have a tan and has at least temporarily lost the severe haircut that made me so tense last season. Could things be looking up for Jackie?

Of course not.

The first sign of darkness occurs then Jackie and Kevin wander over to see what their girls are up to as they play in the sand. Creepy Gracie is has actually brought soap along with her and is washing the seashells they have found. (So THAT one is still screwed up. Check.) Next we have little Fiona discovering an animal head and wanting to touch it. When Mommy tells her not to do that, she then insists on using Mommy’s phone to take a picture of it and send this lovely image to someone.

Then they stop at some food shack and things start to happen very quickly. Gracie doesn’t want any fries because she didn’t bring her gloves. (Makes perfect sense, right?) Jackie thinks she sees spurned Eddie walking the beach behind her but it’s not really him. (Constant drug use NEVER has side effects, right?) Finally, some mouthy punks wander up behind the family and start talking trash. Jackie snaps and shoves one of them to the ground while Kevin laughs and the little girls put another notch in their therapy case.

Now we’re at the hospital, and we don’t waste any time before the crazy hits the fan. Right away, some fool is running around shooting off a gun before Security tackles him. Jackie calmly walks through all this mess without flinching, only making an occasional grimace to indicate her dissatisfaction with the events.

Cut to Zoey and Mrs. Akalitus having some type of meeting, where it’s unclear if Zoey is in trouble or not, but Akalitus sure enjoys throwing out the phrase “severed ear” so I’m thinking Zoey is not here for a discretionary award. Jackie wanders in to this scene, and Akalitus seems pleased with this, since she needs Jackie to help her stop the apparent abuse of the robot drug dispenser thingy. (You know, the very machine that Jackie keeps trying to hijack so she can get a fix and then fall on the floor while she watches pretty things dance on the ceiling.)

Akalitus insists that Jackie lead a group meeting with all the Trauma Room staff on the proper usage of the machine. During this meeting, Akalitus keeps interrupting (perhaps she doesn’t understand who is actually the star of this show), half the staff is not paying attention and instead diddle with their cell phones, and Jackie manages to steal a vial of morphine while all of these people are in the room. Very impressive.

After that, Jackie and Zoey are strolling down an anonymous hall, because that’s what the script said to do, when Dr. Cooper comes running up, all aglow. He’s scored some Broadway tickets so he and Jackie can go see “Hair”. Jackie’s all mean to him, Coop doesn’t care for this and acts all hurt and snippy, and in the end he just gives the tickets to Zoey, who over-celebrates in a “lonely girl with no friends” sort of way.

Next we have a scene where we learn that happy but odd little Fiona sent the pic of the animal head to Dr. O’Hara. (O’Hara is really bonding with the urchin. “It was the highlight of my day!”) O’Hara once again tries to convince Jackie to let her set up a college scholarship fund for the wee ones. Jackie once again refuses, for whatever tormented reasons she might have. (And really, both of these kids are going to be institutionalized long before they ever graduate high school, so what’s the point?)

Then we have Akalitus introducing a new R.N. to the rest of the gang. This is Sam, the crazed stoner guy that thought white sheets were really fascinating last season, and Jackie had to fire him to stop the madness. Jackie pulls Akalitus aside and reminds her of this. Akalitus, and her pinched face, refuses to budge, explaining that he’s a FORMER drug addict, in successful recovery, which we’re supposed to realize because his hair is now clean and brushed, when it wasn’t the last time we saw him. It’s the L’Oreal 12-step program, yes?

Suddenly, everybody has to pay attention because busy people are rushing a new patient into the Trauma Unit. This poor woman somehow managed to have part of her hand shot off. Very sad. Dr. Cooper’s in charge of this one, and he completely bungles it, not realizing the woman is deaf (Jackie does), barking out the wrong orders (Jackie corrects him), and generally making a mess of things (Jackie points this out). Jackie sure has a lot of energy for someone who self-medicates.

Dr. Cooper, because he’s a pathetic man-child with issues, takes his anger out on innocent Thor who’s only trying to hook up an IV or something and momentarily gets confused. Jackie is none too pleased with this development. Once the woman patient is stabilized, she and Coop have it out at the Nurses’ Station.

During the heated discussion, we learn that Thor is diabetic, and he sometimes has brief incidents. (Oh, come on, writers. You’ve already made him gay. Now you’re going to throw in a medical condition as well? Give the guy a break.). Coop didn’t know this. He has a damn medic alert bracelet on, explains Jackie. You never pay attention to anything.

Suffice it to say that love is NOT in the air.

Then we have Jackie and Thor in the little hospital church, sitting all alone with their tennis shoes propped up on the back of the seats in front of them. (I guess this is how medical people show religious respect.) Jackie is chastising him for not watching his diet and risking diabetic episodes. “What is UP with you and cake?” After Thor admits it’s his one addiction, Jackie fesses that “cake IS good.” (It’s beyond that, folks. Cake is a glorious and wonderful thing that is misunderstood by so much of the populace.)

Brief scene with Jackie getting a text message from Eddie. “It’s been three months since you talked to me!” (I guess Eddie doesn’t understand that there’s a break in filming between seasons.)

Cut to Mrs. Akalitus on the phone, chewing up some Monsignor for apparent inaction on her expense account. Then Dr. Cooper shows up and wants to lodge a formal complaint against Jackie. He then goes on a rant about “I am at the TOP of the food chain” and he belittles nurses, confirming that he is in the midst of obvious delusion. Then he starts crying. Akalitus just stares at him with a blank expression until he leaves.

Jackie is wandering around the trauma unit, probably wondering who ELSE she can hide something from, when she encounters the husband of the deaf woman with the mangled hand. He’s on his cell, having trouble getting his insurance people to understand that he needs some money. Jackie, because she knows all about getting what she needs despite the circumstances, takes the phone and shoos the bit actor away.

So now we’re presented with a montage of scenes where Jackie uses her skills with a variety of idiotic insurance folk. She charms, she manipulates, she gets what she wants. (Hey, that could be a tag line for the series. Are you listening Showtime?) Finally, the fax machine beeps to life and we have coverage.

Then somebody else is rushed through the emergency doors. Some guy who has overdosed on Xanax. (You can do that? Had no idea.) Dr. O’Hara is the attending physician on this one. She takes one gander at the victim and starts trying to get Jackie out of the room. “Send in Sam!” Jackie won’t listen, rushing around and turning on machines, until she also glances at the guy’s face. It’s Eddie, the spurned lover she has been avoiding all this time. Jackie decides that maybe she might need a break after all.

Later, after O’Hara has ensured that Eddie‘s acting contract will continue, she finds Jackie in the God Hall where Jackie makes critical decisions while surrounded by saintly statues. Jackie: “I’m not responsible for that.” Well, yes you are. You were playing slap and tickle with the man just so you could get drugs. I think there’s a little bit of guilt that goes along with that. Just sayin.

Jackie steels herself and goes to visit the now-conscious Eddie. While she feeds him ice chips, he fesses that he didn’t mean to take his life, he just wanted to scare her. Who needs friends when you have lovers like this? Jackie storms out of the room.

Even later, Jackie arrives at home, bearing a cake with lots of icing. THIS is what we’re having for dinner. Everybody dig in, save a corner piece for me. While troubled Gracie initially beams with delight, she quickly gets an expression on her face which indicates that placing a sugary substance in her mouth might cause the earth to shift out of its axis and we all could die. Meanwhile, Jackie locks herself in the bathroom and lines up something orange for her to snort.

Same old, same old. But hey, cake really IS good. I’ll just focus on that…