#121 - “United States of Tara” - Season 2, Episode 4

We start out with Max at the Hubbard House, where he is clearly riled up and sledge-hammering away at an innocent wall that is just standing there and minding it’s own business. Tara wanders in, and they have a nice shouting match as they review the surprising events at the ice-skating rink, where the family learned that Tara has been transitioning again and managed to pick up a clingy girlfriend during all the festivities. Max is not pleased with Tara’s lame excuses. “You LIED to me!”

Amazingly, all this yelling and bitterness has somehow triggered their libidos, because they suddenly both get very horny. They race out to the backyard and go at it right there on the grass. Well, then. Can’t really say that discovering falsehoods and infidelity in my partner would cause me to desire beasty sex, but I don’t get out much these days, maybe it’s the new thing.

A bit later, Tara strolls into her kitchen, where we find Kate also in a foul mood, though she’s taking her anger out by killing ants rather than walls. She is not impressed with Tara at all, and makes this very clear as she yells at her mother. Kate finally stomps off, but not before letting fly with “You have grass all over your back.” Oops.

This line is apparently Charmaine’s cue to come wandering in, which she does, and then she proceeds to babble nothingness about her upcoming wedding that I already don’t care about. This goes on for a bit, until Charmaine informs Tara of an interesting thing she discovered about her bedroom window. It gives her a perfect view of the Hubbard backyard.

Poor Tara. One quick round of makeup sex and the entire neighborhood knows about it before she’s even caught her breath.

Next we have Tara visiting The Gays at their house, where she fesses up that “she and Max” are having a rough spot and she’d like to find a good therapist. (No real mention of things like alternate personalities, perpetually waking up in the beds of strangers, and desperate women proclaiming their love for you during skating matinees at the local rink.) Do you have any suggestions?

Of course they do, they’re gay and have this social networking thing down. Seems the two of them required counseling during a certain period of “erectile dysfunction” (how nice of you to share, that’s very sweet) and they met a fabulous doctor in New York. You need to call her immediately. Until you can get to a phone, here’s one of her famous books to help you pass the time. “And don’t crack the spine!”

Back over to the Hubbard House, with Max still tearing stuff up, but this time only because it needs to be done for the remodeling and not because of burning anger at Tara or spontaneous horniness. Marsh strolls in and wants to talk, but first Max tells him he needs to do the “Billy Jack” thing. This apparently means quoting the movie and then kicking down a divider wall.

I don’t know why that bit of mess was even necessary. I think it was supposed to be some kind of quirky male bonding, but it just looked destructive and pointless. I don’t really remember the scene from the movie, so maybe I’m just missing something. Then again, I was roughly six years old when I watched the movie. I’m pretty sure my interests at the time involved Big Wheels and G.I. Joe’s, not world cinema.

Anyway, Marshall is a little sad about Mom. “I guess Buck’s out.” Yep, Buck’s out. (And so, apparently, is Pammy, but we’ll save the pride stories for later.) But hey, Dad, ponders Marshall, what happened with that Sully guy? Max proudly explains that he beat the crap out of him. Marshall: “Does Mom know?” Max’s beaming smile fades. Of course not. If she knows I have anger management issues, then I can’t pretend to be saintly and noble like in my character description.

Now we’re at Stoner Lynda’s house, where she’s pretending to paint a portrait of Kate, who’s dressed up as a Supergirl character. They have another meaningless discussion where the only thing we learn is that “Barbie doesn’t have any holes.”

Hubbard House again, this time it’s just Tara, looking for Max. He’s not around. But that creepy office room that fascinates Tara is still there. So she goes in there, piddles around a bit, then touches the old-timey phone on the desk. The music swells a little, so we know that the phone is evil.

Zip over to Marshall’s room, where he and Courtney are standing at the foot of his bed. They’ve both wrangled a pass from school (his excuse is an orthodontist appointment, her excuse is explosive diarrhea, in case you’re keeping notes). They’ve decided to consummate their pathetic relationship. Courtney upends her purse and we see that it contained hundreds of condoms. Great. Not only is she boring and overly clinical, but she’s a hoarder as well. Nice catch, Marshall.

Back to Stoner Central, where Lynda is rattling on about the philosophy of the character that Kate is pretending to be for the painting. (“She’s a SUBject, not an OBject.” Whatever.) Then Lynda has an inspiration. Let’s make a MOVIE about the character!

Um, exactly WHAT is this subplot all about? Are we actually building to some type of reveal, or are the writers just including scenes with stoners so they can ensure the food services table is cleared by the end of the shooting day?

Tara is still in the creepy Hubbard office, poised on a dusty couch and reading aloud from the self-help book and trying to not crack the spine. I’m sure the words were very deep, but I was too busy scribbling notes to catch the detail. Then Tara gets up and starts playing with the evil phone. Suddenly, she has a flashback. We’re in a foyer of some kind, it’s raining outside, and little Tara and little Charmaine are being scolded by some woman that we can’t really see, but sure looks like “Alice” from the waist down.

Suddenly a phone rings in the foyer, and it looks just like the one on the Hubbard desk. OMG! (See, I TOLD you that phone had Satan written all over it.) This is just like “The Ring” except it’s totally different. Then the flashback is over and we’re back in the present. Tara reaches down and starts dialing the old phone, but doesn’t bother to pick up the receiver. Uh oh.

We’re back in Marshall’s room, post-coital. Apparently things were a disaster, because this couple looks like the saddest two people on the planet. Maybe this straight thing isn’t working out for Marshall? (Then again, if he was really serious about the experiment, perhaps he should have chosen to sleep with someone other than Jane Hathaway.)

Max rolls up in his truck at home, and Tara comes racing out of the house. She’s really excited because she finally got help, she found somebody. Then she goes on about the self-help book she is waving around. Max is not impressed. “A BOOK is not help.” But there’s more. Tara called the author in New York, they hit it off, and they are going to start phone therapy right away. Hurray!

Right then, Max gets a call from Kate. Car won’t start. Okay, be right there.

So Max and Tara make the trek to Lynda’s House of Wafting Smoke. They pull up outside and clamor out of the truck, with Tara making a comment about how bad it stinks around here so that we can remember it’s a bad part of town. The garage door rolls up a bit, and Kate rolls out, still in her Supergirl outfit and feeling mighty fine.

While Kate and Max pretend to fiddle with the malfunctioning car, Tara ducks under the garage door and enters Cannabis Central. While she’s staring at the interesting surroundings, especially a giant, old neon sign spelling out “Electroless Copper” (the camera lingers for a LONG time, so we’re really supposed to notice this), Lynda floats out and starts chatting with Tara.

It’s an odd chat, with Lynda asking things like “What do you REALLY wanna know?”, as if she’s got the secrets of the universe in her hash pipe. Then they just stare at each other for a while. Are they making a cosmic connection? Or is it just that one of them is stoned and the other one is distracted by people who wear dresses with no discernable seams?

Max sticks his head under the door. “Ready to go?”

Back at the Hubbard House (do these people ever bother going to their own home anymore?), where Max is TRYING to ground Kate or something for making friends and taking drugs. Kate is not interested and doesn’t care, although it’s kind of hard to take her seriously, standing there in her Supergirl Underoos and all.

Then Charmaine clatters in, dragging her boyfriend with the big teeth (Nick? Rick? Crest?). She has an announcement. She’s in the midst of taking a deep breath when Nick blurts out “We’re pregnant!” (Okay, never cared for that line, there is no WE in pregnancy after the first ten minutes. The remaining 9 months only have one name on the call sheet, ya dig?) Anyway, Big Teeth has ruined everything for Charmaine. “The moment’s gone.”

Nick: “So sorry. Hey, Max, can we buy this place from you?” All Charmaine talks about is raising a child right next door to her sister’s family. Is that Hallmark cool or what?

A bit later, while Charmaine and Tara are wandering around the Hubbard house as Char picks out the baby’s room, Tara tries to get the scoop on the pregnancy angle. “I thought you were re-virginating?” Charmaine blows that off and tries to figure out where the changing table can go. Suddenly, Tara has another flash, back to that same distant foyer, but this time she and Charmaine are prancing around and laughing. Then Tara snaps back and turns to Charmaine. “You’re gonna be a great mother.”

Because she knows how to skip?

Elsewhere, Max and Marshall are doing something or other in the Hubbard House, and bantering back and forth. Max: I’m gonna run get us something to eat. Oh hey, how’s that Courtney thing going? Marshall: I’m gay. Max: Good. So you want anything? Marshall: Sure. I’ll come with. And I think you should tell Mom about the guy you beat up.

Later that night, Max crawls into bed with Tara.

Max: “Marshall came out to me tonight.”

Tara: “How’d that make you feel.”

Max: “It gave me hope.”

What a remarkable answer.

Max flips off the light. Oh, there’s something else. “I did a bad, bad thing.”

Next day, Max is entering the Hubbard House, lugging even more construction supplies, when he realizes he can hear a strange voice coming from the office. He throws open the door.

Tara is sitting on the desk, possibly talking on the phone, not sure. And she’s decked out in some kind of hippie, New York, Jewish, something combo. She turns toward Max. Only it’s not Tara. And she doesn’t know who Max is.

“Can I help you?”

We have a new alter.

#118 - “United States of Tara” - Season 2, Episode 3

We start out with Tara looking all forlorn and sitting in a swing. She’s a little blue about all this transitioning mess and having to lie to Max, not to mention the business with Buck demanding timeshare on her body. He’s been doing this for two weeks now and-

Hold up, Girl. Two WEEKS? I’m thinking you need to get a little help from somebody at this point. Geez.

Then Tara provides a pitiful voice-over while we are treated to a montage of exactly what Buck has been up to during his watch with Tara’s body. Well, he’s basically been spending all that time with Pammy and her cute little girls, bonding and all. Oh, and there’s been some sex. Lots of it.

Speaking of intimate relations, we zip over to Marshall’s school where he and his apparently official girlfriend, Courtney, are primly sitting around the schoolyard talking to each other in that mousy way they have. Interestingly enough, she’s wanting to discuss physical lovin. “I think about sex all the time!” Marshall’s a bit startled, especially when she makes it clear that she is MORE than ready to go all the way. Any time. Right here on the sidewalk if you want.

It’s sad, really. First of all, not really buying the whole “Marshall being straight” thing. He knows too much about black-and-white movies. Then there’s Courtney. She’s so clinical and detached, even when trying to be naughty. Marshall, Dude, if you’re going to cross-over, at least do it with someone who’s the tiniest bit sexy.

Then we have Charmaine, Tara and… one half of the gay couple that lives on Tara’s street, haven’t learned their names yet. Anway, they’re having an impromptu girl party, doing beauty treatments and such. Then Charmaine startles us with the announcement that she was a LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation) back in her college days, running around with a girl who was “very proud of her vagina”. Well, then. And though Charmaine left all that behind long ago, she hasn’t closed the door on the possibility. “I’m gonna go gay when I decide to start eating carbs again.”

Quick scene with Tara sitting in her car somewhere, studying herself in the rearview mirror and trying to act and talk like Buck. This can’t be good.

Max and Neal are over at the Hubbard House, which is now actually Max and Tara’s second house, waiting for some contractor to show. From the conversation, it appears that Neal is still pining for Charmaine and has no clue that she’s about to get hitched to another man. Hmm. There’s potential disaster around every corner in this episode.

Next up, Kate arrives back at Lynda’s house, the stoner chick with lots of imagination and colorful accessories. It seems that Lynda’s check to the debt collection company bounced. How sad. Just then, another stoner rides up on a bicycle, and then everybody goes inside the stoner house to do stoner things.

Another quick scene with Tara practicing Buck mannerisms. (Okay, we get it, Tara’s about to do something really mean and she’s going to do it as Buck. Check.)

Back over to Lynda’s House of Weed and Debt, where everybody is, not surprisingly, very high. They’re all babbling and laughing and carrying on about nothing. Except for this one unidentified guy sitting in a chair off to the side. He’s not moving and might not even be breathing. But since we don’t know his name, there’s no real drama and we move on.

Now we’re at Marshall’s high school, in what appears to be the auditorium, with Bitter Roxy and his hair trying to direct a scene in a play. Or something. Still don’t care for that character so I’m bored before he even opens his mouth. But where’s Marshall?

THERE he is, high up in the rafters with irritating Courtney. Lo and behold, she’s actually pawing away at his privates (just out of camera view, of course, don’t set your DVR if you’re wanting soft porn) while he provides commentary. Then they switch and he fiddles around with her business. It has got to be the most awkward and uncomfortable sex scene ever captured on film. Then Courtney manages to kick over something noisy, the folks down on the stage look up in surprise, and we’re done. Thank God.

Tara finally knocks on Pammy’s door after the extensive dress rehearsal in the parking lot. Pammy is thrilled to see Buck, but it quickly becomes apparent that something is not right, especially when Buck just stares at his beer instead of drinking it. Tara takes a deep breath. “This is not working out.”

Back over to the Stone Cold Palace. The dead guy and all the extras have left, leaving just Kate and Lynda to deal with their munchies. For kicks, Lynda starts dragging out all her Valhalla Hawkwind props from back in the day. Kate decides that she wants to put on one of the outfits. Okay, producer people, let’s pick things up a bit. This particular subplot is going from interesting to dull very quickly.

And we’re at Pammy’s again. It looks like something major was revealed while we watched Kate play dress-up, because Pammy is crying hysterically and on the verge of doing something really unsavory. Tara: “I have a disorder.” Pammy: “It’s always the disease’s fault, never someone just being an a**hole!” (I actually really like that line and might need to use it in the future.)

Pammy finally goes over the edge and snaps “I’m gonna tell Buck!” Um, sweetie, Buck’s right there in the chair. You might have to take a number before the operator can make a connection, but he’s still there.

Max and Neal again, still waiting on that contractor while they stand around the Hubbard House. Charmaine flounces in, Neal notices the engagement ring, and there is tension. Stupid Charmaine prattles on about the flaws of the stone, completely ignoring the pain on Neal’s face. He finally just turns and leaves. Good move, Charmaine. Such class.

Kate and Marshall in one of their bedrooms. She’s brought some wacky tobackey back from loopy girl’s house and wants him to try some. He demurs at first. “I’m not into weed. It makes me like action movies.” Then Kate starts talking about his new-found heterosexuality, and he quickly reaches for the pipe.

Downstairs, Max and Tara are chatting in the kitchen. He’s whining about petty things and she gets bored. We never do anything fun around here. Hey, let’s grab the kids and go ice skating! Max thinks that sounds swell, so they race up the stairs to round up the whacked-out kids, along with Charmaine and her unsatisfying ring.

Quick shot of Pammy sitting in her car on the street outside, glaring at Tara/Buck/Alice/T’s house. Uh oh.

So there we are at the ice-skating rink, with everybody in a really good mood. Happiness is not theoretically allowed on this show, so we know something’s coming. And there she is. Pammy waltzes inside, not bothering to rent any skates so it’s clear she’s up to no good. She marches to the little booth where the DJ is playing uninteresting songs, grabs the mike away from him, and proceeds to address the crowd.

She starts off with a polite “I didn’t want to do this,” and then launches. She’s had a crappy life, deserves so much better, and is finally take charge. “Buck, I love you! ALL of you! I hope I catch your disease!” Then she just-as-politely informs the stunned crowd that they can go back to their skating.

Dead silence.

Then Max turns to Tara: “All I’ve ever done is be good to you!” And then he’s out of there, jumping in his truck and peeling out of the parking lot. (Hey, how is everybody else going to get home? That’s really rude.) Max drives to the contractor’s house, the one who never showed, and they get into a fistfight, rolling around on the ground and getting dirty and everything. It’s like the WWF, but for real.

Now we find Tara standing by herself at the skating rink. (Kate, Marshall and Charmaine are still there, but they’ve skated off in a sad little corner, feeling sorry for themselves as they tend to do. Tara always ruins everything. (That’s right, kids, she does. Because her name is in the title of the show. Did you not read your contracts?)

We end with Tara standing in the restroom area, studying the doors for both the Ladies and the Gents. Then her face hardens, she transitions into Buck, marches into the room for the guys, slams a stall door shut, and completely loses it…

Oh boy.

#115 - “United States of Tara” - Season 2, Episode 2

So Buck wakes up in bed with Pammy, the waitress he met at the beer joint. From the looks of things, they had a really swell time last night. Buck ogles the still-slumbering Pammy for a bit, then dresses and slips out of the apartment with a look of accomplishment and satisfaction. His good mood inspires him to break into a jog of celebration (hey, we all love to go running after a round of marathon sex, right?). Sadly, the exertion winds him a bit, he cough/chokes, and then transitions.

Now we have a very surprised Tara standing there all sweaty. And just a wee bit disoriented. Tara then makes a slow march of shame toward home. Something has clearly happened, she’s just not sure what. And where the hell is her bra?

Arriving at the house, Tara discovers a very-excited Charmaine is waiting for her in the front yard, bursting with the news that she is now engaged to the guy with the plentiful teeth. Charmaine dances all over the place and spouts annoying phrases like “He actually loves me!” and “I’m gonna be somebody’s wife!” Within two seconds you are ready for Charmaine to go some place far away and stay there.

Unfortunately, she wants to stay HERE, with Tara and the family. Something about allowing herself time to “re-virginate”. (I’m not sure what this process involves, but I’m certain that I don’t want any further details.) Then things get really busy, as Marshall needs a ride to school, Kate leaves for work sporting a startling outfit where “professional” is not the first word that comes to mind, and Max suddenly yells out at Tara, “let’s go to the Hubbard house!” (I’m thinking that’s the LAST place Tara needs to go right now, but I haven’t been consulted.)

Cut to a meeting of the “gay club” at Marshall’s school. HRH Peroxide, the bitter blonde from the last episode, is running the show in the sparsely populated room, and he’s being very bitchy. At one point he’s even rude to the one straight girl in the room who’s there for support. Marshall comes to her defense, and the two share an intimate look that concerns me. Are the producers going to pull a “Dynasty” with Marshall’s character?

Over to the Hubbard House, where Max really, really, really wants to buy the house. Tara is not fully convinced about this plan of action, so Max uncovers a piano that just happened to be RIGHT THERE, and proceeds to sway Tara’s thoughts on real estate transactions by pounding on the keys and warbling “I’m All Outta Love”.

Rather than run from the room in terror, Tara actually joins in and we have a duet where Tara is inspired to wave her hands over her head during the more spiritual parts of the song. As Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland wail away, some strange woman walks in the door and rudely interrupts the show.

Now we’re at Kate’s workplace, the one where she calls poor people and makes them feel even worse. She’s having a conversation with the guy who sits behind her. (Why she’s even doing this is unclear, because he’s a sexist jerk, and normally Kate would mop the floor with such a guy.) Anyway, they’re discussing the concept of the “big fish”, the people who owe a lot of money. If you convince them to send in a check, you can get a really nice bonus and some self-esteem. Kate’s eyes light up at this possibility, and she turns back to her keyboard, clicking away with almost religious devotion.

Turns out the lady who walked into the Hubbard House and stopped the matinee performance is actually a realtor. She’s thrilled that Max is so overly excited about buying the home that he doesn’t care about “disclosure laws” and whatnot. As she rambles, the realtor throws out a remark about “crazy people” that offends Tara, but Max doesn’t even notice. Instead, he’s busy figuring out where to put the pool table and the wet bar.

Back to Marshall’s school, where he and Peroxide get into it while they are changing in the gym locker room. Peroxide won’t stop with the constant, overboard flaming, and Marshall has had enough. “You ruin it for gay people!” Roxy doesn’t back down, freshly stoking his Eternal Flame and declaring how proud he is of himself and the way he is. Which is nice and all, but I’m thinking Roxy also has a loose bobby pin or two. No idea where they’re going with this.

Short scene with Max and a house inspector (that was quick, was the guy waiting in the realtor’s car?), discovering that there are some serious plumbing issues with the Hubbard House. The guy slyly mentions that he can rig it enough so that Max can flip the house and let the next owners worry about it. The expression on Max’s face is odd. Just what IS his obsession with this house?

Next we have Tara and Charmaine at the grocery store. Lo and behold, Pammy the waitress comes wandering up and tries to get a little chummy with “Buck”. Tara, of course, initially doesn’t have a clue who this woman might be. Then a faint bell rings. “Wait. You’re the bartender from the other night!“

Pammy is a bit disappointed with this reaction, to say the least. Um, no, I’m the one you made sweet love to and we rocked all night long. What gives? Tara isn’t giving anything. She grabs Charmaine and they head down another aisle, leaving poor Pammy to stand in confusion among the fresh produce displays.

Quick scene at Kate’s questionable workplace, where she has just discovered her very own Big Fish. By trolling the Internet, where no personal detail is fully secure, she’s found a website for a bosomy cartoon character that goes by the name of “Valhalla Hawkwind”. (What the hell?) Clicking around, Kate finds that the actual site owner is one of those people who owe her company tons of moolah. And there’s a physical address. Woo hoo!

Cut back to grocery store, this time in the parking lot, where Tara once again runs into Pammy as they try to wrangle empty shopping carts into the little corrals where nothing ever fits. Pammy tells Buck/Tara that she understands why Buck is pulling the down-low thing, fessing up that she had never been with a girl until Buck licked margarita salt off her hand, so to speak. Tara is appalled. “I’ve never been with a girl!” (Honey, maybe you need to swig a shot of tequila and then hit the little rewind button. That’s YOU, or at least one of you, playing squat tag at Pammy‘s Shack O‘ Love.)

Tara, starting to realize that maybe she hasn’t seen all the pages of the script, begins to panic and goes into spin-control mode. She warns Pammy that “I am TROUBLE!” and then turns to race toward her car, where bored Charmaine is honking the horn and waiting impatiently to tell her pathetic engagement story once again.

We catch up with Kate, who has tracked down this Valhalla chick and is standing outside her residence/den of evil/whatever it is. She bangs on the garage door (why, I don’t know, surely there’s an actual front door somewhere) until a woman finally raises the door. Kate is now face-to-face with one Lynda P. Frazier, the conduit to a very nice bonus check.

Kate, because she really doesn’t know what she’s doing, then makes a feeble show of trying to be a bounty-hunter professional fully intent on financial realignments. It doesn’t work. It’s clear that the only thing Kate knows about being tough and investigatory she must have learned from watching the “Charlie’s Angels” movies. And she apparently fell asleep during the few important parts. Nevertheless, Lynda invites her in.

Cut back to Tara, in full freak-out mode, racing to the Hubbard House instead of her own home. Once inside, she turns on her iPhone or some type of recording device, and then captures herself running from room to room and babbling about how she can’t let her family know that she’s transitioning again. It’s sort of like “The Blair Witch Project” meets “The Three Faces of Eve”, minus the dead bodies in the woods, Joanne Woodward or any lucrative product placement.

Finally, Tara crawls into a clothes closet and slams the door, because that usually solves everything, right? She then shivers and cries while holding herself, doing a very fine example of method-acting in tight spaces. (Wait, why is there a dress hanging in this closet, in a house where a single man lived? Have The Gays already been here? Dang. They always find the happening places before everybody else. And then they leave couture behind as they race to the next hot spot.)

We’re back at Lynda/Valhalla’s retro-groovy pad. Apparently Kate’s channeling of Drew Barrymore has worked, because Lynda comes waltzing out of some side chamber bearing a check for $5,000. Lynda then plops on a couch, lights a joint, and invites Kate to sit a spell. Kate, because she’s wearing just the right outfit for drug usage, decides she’s got some time on her hands.

Later, we have dinner at the Gregson household. Charmaine is running her mouth with a boring story concerning the difference between a “princess cut” diamond and the “cushion cut” variety, waving her bejeweled hand the entire time. Marshall has brought along Courtney, the straight girl, and I instantly hate her because I have no investment in the gay reversion theory that one of the show producers must be pushing. Then Kate comes flouncing in, brimming with excitement over the afternoon adventures with Lynda and her delinquent bills. “I got my mind literally blown.” Really? Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Then they all make a toast to something. I forget what, because right then Tara sees Buck coming down the stairs and giving her the evil eye. What’s this? The alters can see each other now? That’s new. See, every time a show is successful, they try to overwhelm it with special effects. Stick to the story, people.

Tara, understandably, is a bit out of sorts with this development. She excuses herself and then thunders up the stairs to her bedroom, where she has an argument with Buck, an alter that should be IN her, but is now OUT of her. Buck is demanding the use of Tara’s body for the night.

Okay, I’m officially no longer complaining about anything wrong in my life. Done.

Max wanders in to check on Tara. “You good?” Tara waves him off. I’m just great, my disjointed and apparently sexually-active life couldn’t be any better. Max, not recognizing the signs of an impending psychotic split even though he should after all these years, announces that he’s headed over to the Hubbard House for some remodeling inspiration. (Why are these people so centered on a house where a man killed himself? Don’t you have other hobbies?)

Quick scene with Marshall and Courtney in his bedroom, where he stupidly pulls out a Ouija board for their entertainment. This can only result in madness. Has the cast not seen the movie “Witchboard”? People die. In painful ways.

I guess Buck worked out some sort of timeshare arrangement with Tara, because now we have him showing up at Pammy’s door, bearing a rose for his lady and fessing that “I couldn’t stay away.” Pammy lets him in, despite the rudeness and confusion at the grocery store.

Back to Marshall and Tokyo Rose in his bedroom. They’re still fiddling with the Ouija board, and of course their fingers touch while they are pretending to not manipulate the planchette. As we all know, random finger-touching can only lead to sordidness. They kiss, and a small part of me dies.

Zip over to Pammy’s, where Buck is massaging her feet while she coos.

Now it’s time for a montage, because this sort of thing is required in the final moments of a quirky series involving dysfunction. We see Max laying out black and white tiles in one of the bathrooms of the Hubbard House. (Just say no, Max. Seriously. The 50’s diner look no longer applies to bathrooms. Just ask The Gays.) Shot of Charmaine in some bed kissing her ring with a love that dare not speak it’s name. Another glimpse of Marshall still lip-locked with Tokyo Courtney as they roll around on the Ouija board. We end with an alarming close-up of Buck at Pammy’s crotch. Truly did not need to see that.

Final scenes. It’s the next morning, and Tara wakes up next to Pammy. (By the way, how has Max not noticed that his wife hasn’t slept in the same bed with him for the past two nights?) Tara does not handle the situation well, gathering up her clothes and fleeing the scene. On her way out, she passes two children in the living room who are watching cartoons. (Where the hell did THEY come from? Did I miss something?)

Tara thunders down the outside stairs of the apartment building and lurches toward her car. She may not know where she’s at, but she damn sure knows where she parked her vehicle. It’s the little things, right?

Roll credits.

#112 - “United States of Tara” - Season 2, Episode 1

So we start off with Tara and the family standing outside one of those metal box things where you can drop off “gently used” clothing so they can be recycled into society. As the family chatters, we learn that Tara has been on her meds for the last three months and she hasn’t transitioned a single time. So she’s decided to do some spring cleaning and get rid of the outfits the “alters” would wear when they surfaced. She no longer needs five wardrobes, just the one is good enough, thank you very much.

Then we have a lovely montage, full of happy family members doing cutesy things. Everybody’s singing and dancing and getting along and not acting the least bit dysfunctional, which saddens me slightly because it was the dysfunction junction that made things so much fun in the first place. (And what’s up with Charmaine’s boyfriend looking kind of hot? I don’t remember that from last season. Did they change actors or did I just not pay attention?)

Anyway, the happy scenes go on way longer than they should, to the point where I move beyond sadness to annoyance. I don’t want to watch “The Brady Bunch Is Better Than Your Family”. I want awkward moments and biting dialogue where someone says something basically cruel but it’s still hysterical. OMG, did someone fire Diablo Cody?

No worries. We quickly take the Twisted Exit off the Sunshine Highway and we get back to where we once belonged. Gunshots ring out somewhere in Tara’s neighborhood and the family races outside to see who’s being noisy and unruly. (As opposed to the normal routine, where the rest of the neighborhood is constantly racing to Tara’s house to see which personality has done what, how much there damage might be, and whether or not the scoop is worth a Facebook update.)

Turns out that some guy killed himself in a nearby house. While I’m sure this is really tragic, the real reason we have this scene is to allow Tara and Max and the chilluns to meet “The Gays”, the requisite alternative-lifestyle family that always shows up these days on TV series centered around a neighborhood. Tara takes a shine to the witty duo, and suggests that they “meet for a meal”. Of course you should, Tara. You’re simply not hip unless you’re in with The Gays. Don’t leave home without them.

Then it’s the next morning, and the Gregor family is in full dysfunctional mode while they work their way through breakfast, and I can finally relax. Tara is already making subtle hints that she might transition, Marshall is doing something absurd with pancakes and fruit, Kate is being rude as hell whilst wearing revealing pajama-wear, and Max is just looking forlorn, trying to get through the ordeal and constantly waiting for Sarah Jessica Parker to show up and say that she really, really wanted HIM instead of Mr. Big.

Cut to the local high school, where Marshall is wandering around the cafeteria with his pathetic little tray, trying to decide the least-implosive place to sit. As he passes the table where the gays hang out (is there a theme going on here?), he’s accosted by a young queen that’s never met a bottle of bleach that he didn’t like, with a peroxide hair-don’t that could help planes land in the dark.

Marshall decides to join them at this “gayble“, and then we get into a very political discussion that appears to involve flowers. It seems the activist gays want to overthrow society by forcing the Student Council to allow the distribution of purple carnations, in addition to the standard red, pink and white variety, during the annual “send your friends and possible lovers a flower” extravaganza.

Marshall: “Why don’t you just send your boyfriend a red one if you want? It still means love.”

Good point. But this does not sit well with most of table, including the requisite straight girl who then proceeds to make an eye-opening reference to that one time at band camp, while the others nod knowingly. These people are just angry.

Quick scene with daughter Kate looking for a job online. She seems very excited about a position that appears to involve espionage, danger and potential disappointment. I didn’t realize my company was hiring.

Tara and the family finally have The Gays over for dinner. This turns into an awkward-fest, especially when Tara insists on standing up and doing a song-and-dance routine, which is SO not Tara. Then one of The Gays tells a purposeless story from his youth where he was in an “agricultural pageant” and played a bad soybean.

I don’t even have a come-back for that one.

Moving on, we have a brief scene with sister Kate showing brother Marshall her intended outfit for the questionable job interview she has. It’s skimpy and entirely black, making her look like Undercover Slut Woman. Marshall trembles with unease and foreboding.

Back to the party downstairs, where Tara is entranced with some gossip from The Gays. It seems like this “Mr. Hubbard” that killed himself tried several different violent ways of ending his life before succeeding with the gun. Tara is overly fascinated with the dead man’s struggle, practically salivating as the tea is spilled. (Am I the only one realizing that the “alters” are fighting toward the surface?)

Kate shows up for her job interview, and learns that this company is really a debt collection agency where her salary is strongly based on her ability to get losers to pay their bills. Interestingly enough, she seems somewhat turned-on by this concept. Then again, Kate has lived her life by making fun of people in desperate situations. Maybe this is her dream job after all.

Quick scene with Marshall walking down the hallway at school, and overhearing the Student Council rejecting the Bitter Queen’s concept of purple carnations. Slight pause for reflection. What really IS important? And to whom?

Back to the Gregor household, where Tara and Max are surprised when the sister of the dead guy shows up at their door. She was hoping that they could keep an eye on her brother’s house, and she hands over the keys to the kingdom. (Seems a bit forward of the woman if you ask me. And shouldn’t she be concerned about the twelve different names on the mailbox?)

Cut to Charmaine and her now-hot boyfriend at some restaurant. She’s just returning from the comfort station, and he’s pulled the old “engagement ring in the champagne glass” routine. She discovers the jewelry, and unbridled enthusiasm ensues. Sadly, in the midst of the festivities, hot-boy grins broadly, and we learn that he has at 4,000 very big teeth. My thoughts toward him change from lust to abject fear. I don’t want that mouth anywhere near me. Everything has changed.

Now we have a scene with Tara and Max, running off to one of the local beer joints. There’s a brief bit of a squabble when Max openly flirts with the waitress, and Tara is not really impressed with that, but Max blows it off by explaining that the waitress “knows he’s here with his lady.” The thing he really wants to focus on is that he wants to buy the dead man’s house.

What? Why?

Cut to some point later in time, where we see Tara using the sister’s keys to get into said dead man’s house. She takes off her shoes (clear warning sign that something is horribly wrong) and then she wanders about, fondling things, including the stripped-down bed where the man used to lay. Creepy.

Then we have Marshall arriving at school, with the assistance of dad Max, carrying a ton of purple carnations. Marshall then proceeds to hand them out to all the gay kids and anybody else who will take them. Really liked that bit.

Quick scene with Kate at her new job, where she’s apparently very successful. Establishing a payment plan for the downtrodden is her life’s calling.

Another scene with Tara in the dead man’s house. She’s sitting at a desk in what appears to be a home office. Suddenly, she leaps to her feet and rips open a closet.

Trauma is everywhere, people. Heed the signs. You don’t open the closets of strangers unless you intend to transition. Word.

Later that night, Max is asleep in bed, probably dreaming of Sarah Jessica Parker who only has one personality. Tara is not sleeping, instead standing beside the bed and staring out a window at the dead man’s house. Mournful music is playing on the soundtrack to ensure we understand that she is troubled in some way.

Final scene has Tara wandering into the local beer joint, in full Buck mode (guess the meds aren’t working, and that s/he raided the clothing drop-off box in the first scene). Tara/Buck approaches the flirty waitress and starts with the sweet lovin. Waitress gal, despite the fact that she surely recognizes Tara from her previous visit with hubby Max, flirts right back and seems quite intent on some carnality with Buck in the very near future.

Which makes the waitress even scarier than the teeth on Charmaine’s boyfriend.

So we’re back to madness, confusion, and the possibility of outrageous acts at any given second. It’s good to be home again…