#129 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 14

So we’re back at camp after Rupert’s eviction at Tribal, and Russell is raging at Sandra for not telling him she had an idol. She stands up to him. “You never told ME when YOU had idols. I didn’t do anything wrong.” Then Russell turns on Parvati, who really didn’t know Sandra’s secret either. “You are LYING, you knew she had it.” Parvati gets fed up, telling Russell: “You need to get over yourself for one minute.”

What a way to start things off. One big, happy family, right?

Cut to Colby in a sidebar, grinning from ear to ear: “Hey, let them go at it. Takes the attention off of ME.”

Roll opening credits.

Now we have tree mail, with a bag of puzzle pieces. Parvati reads the attached note, and it sounds like we’re going to have one of those “balance the dinnerware on a pole” things for the upcoming competition. (What this has to do with puzzle pieces, I have no idea.) Upon hearing this, Colby gets mad and stomps off. What, does he hate plates? Was there an incident at the dinner table during his formative years?

Then we have Russell in a really long sidebar, where we don’t learn anything new. He wants to get rid of Colby, he doesn’t trust Parvati, Sandra is Puerto Rican, there’s sand on the beach. Why are they letting him ramble on forever? I realize the producers consider him the star of the show, but what’s the deal? Then I remember that this is a two-hour episode (followed by a one-hour reunion) and we’re only 10 minutes in. Got it. We gonna have us some filler tonight. Brace yourselves for lots of bogus scenery shots and spiders devouring their prey.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

And yep, it’s a dish-stacking competition. They each have to stand there with a wiggly pole laid on a divot, then add modified Fiesta Ware to a base on the other end as Jeff calls out the next piece. Almost immediately, Sandra is dealing with broken crockery and a seat on the bench. Jerri is out a bit later, followed by Russell (hurray!) Now it’s down to Colby and Parvati.

Then the wind kicks up, and we get to watch these two sweat and tremble as their towers shimmy and teeter. (Hey, is that Russell on the bench adding his hot air to the gale force?) Then the wind finally dies down, and so does Colby. Parvati wins immunity.

Back at camp, we have Parvati in a sidebar: “This is a HUGE deal. Now we can keep all the Villains and get rid of Colby.” By the way, are we hawking any products this time? Because I’d really like to model again, this rock I’m sitting on is perfect.

Cut to Colby addressing the remaining tribe. He knows he’s the last Hero, and he’s going home. Let’s enjoy the day, I’m not going to hustle anyone. Then we have Colby in a sidebar, with second thoughts: “I don’t know HOW to quit.” Yes, you do, Colby. We’ve seen you do it in just about every competition so far this season. Ain’t been no fire up in your grill.

Then Colby just sits there for a long time while the camera keeps rolling. Not sure what this is all about. Is he on the verge of crying? Is he trying to remember the names of all 50 states? What gives? Then he’s back with us: “So I decided to make one more attempt.”

Colby runs to Russell: If you get rid of Sandra instead of me, there’s a better chance that Parvati won‘t win immunity the next time. Russell in a sidebar: Hmm. Very tempting. But if Colby makes it to the top three, it’s over for me. (You got that right, Squat Tag.) I’ll just make my decision at Tribal.

Cut to Tribal, natch.

Jeff asks Colby what it’s like being the last Hero left. (Jeff, why do you ask these lame-ass questions? What do you THINK it’s like? It sucks.) Colby says that it sucks. Then he also confesses that he tried to convince Russell to get rid of Sandra and keep him. (Sandra makes a face indicating her displeasure with this bit of news.) Jeff asks Sandra if she trusts Russell. Sandra: “This is Survivor, I don’t trust nobody.”

Jeff asks Russell: “Is there anybody that would NOT lie to you?” Russell hems and haws and tries to avoid giving an answer, which is odd because Russell loves to hear himself talk. Jeff turns to Colby: “There’s your hope.”

Time to vote, and that brief hope dies quickly. Four votes for Colby, one for Sandra. Colby and his teeth walk away into the night. Somewhere in the distance, a sad little coyote howls.

The rest of the Survivors march back to camp, with them doing a happy dance about being Final four. (Okay, Russell doesn’t dance. The man has never danced in his life, which is part of his problem.) Parvati in a sidebar: “That thing with Colby was an eye-opener. I really need to win immunity tomorrow.” Honey, it’s Final Four. You need to win immunity even if the other three have cut off a body part to show their allegiance to you.

Russell goes to Jerri: “We HAVE to win immunity tomorrow and get Parvati out.” Jerri nods in enthusiastic agreement, and her hair curls even more at all the excitement.

Next day, we have tree mail again, which includes a map of the “ceremonial beach”. Oh boy, here we go with the personal tribute to the “Survivors who have fallen before them.” So off the four go, traipsing around and collecting the little tags with tribe member names, which they then throw into a roaring bonfire. The mixed message of this stunt always cracks me up. Oh, we love you and had such good times, now DIE a flaming death!

(Side note: That bonfire sure gets really big. Hope it doesn’t jack up air travel like that damn volcano in Iceland.)

Time for the final Immunity Challenge.

This one involves a giant maze, which the Survivors have to navigate while blind-folded, feeling around for symbols on directional signs, retrieving four necklaces, and then racing to where the Immunity Necklace is hanging. Off we go, with poor Parvati slamming into the maze walls every ten seconds (you’d think she would settle down after the first three or so hits) and Russell shoving Parvati out of the way because he’s such a gentleman. Sandra is having the worst time, of course, and probably would be in Ecuador by now if the maze walls hadn’t stopped her.

But it’s a very close race between Parvati, Russell and Jerri. All three of them are literally within inches of each other at the very end, with Russell getting there just a half second before the other two. Russell wins final immunity and is guaranteed Final Three. The world is no longer safe.

Jerri in a sidebar: “Parvati’s going home.” Chickens before they’re hatched? Don’t count them.

Russell in a sidebar: “I’m taking Sandra for sure.” Whatever, Russell. You’ll change your mind seven times before the next commercial.

Sandra in a sidebar: “Russell wants to take me because he thinks I won’t get a single vote. But I don’t know about that.” Then she grins.

Quick scene with Russell, Jerri and Sandra, swearing Final Three to the end.

Parvati, who’s been sporting an ugly sack dress the last few days instead of her bikini, with no explanation given, goes to Russell: “Get rid of Sandra.” Russell: “Jerri and Sandra are my best bet right now.” So sorry.

Russell in a sidebar: “If I send Jerri to the jury, I know I’ll still get her vote. If I send Parvati, I might not.” (NOW he’s going to worry about who is on the jury? Dude, a bit late for that.)

Final Tribal.

Sandra: “Russell tells me all the time I can’t win.”

Russell: “Alliances are gonna get broken tonight.”

Parvarti: “I feel very vulnerable.”

Jerri: I don’t know which way to flip this time. What can I do to prove I have no will of my own?

Then Russell and Parvati get into it, mainly over Parv claiming that the two of them have been protecting each other, and Russ claiming “I’ve been protecting YOU” the whole time. They are not very nice to one another. End result, things just don’t look very good for Parvati.

So the final vote surprises me. Three votes for Jerri, only one for Parvati. Wow. A very confused Jerri wanders away into the darkness.

Back at camp, the next day, Russell is being a jerk, mostly bickering with Parvati but swiping at Sandra as well. When Russell runs off to try and form an alliance with a tree, Sandra snatches up that damn hat he’s been wearing all over the place and throws it in the fire. “THAT’S how much game I got.” Sandra deserves a bump for that move.

Time for the Final Three to face the jury.

The opening statements of the Final Three can be summarized by single quotes.

Sandra: “I did it by MYSELF.” True enough, nobody has had the girl’s back since Courtney got sent packing back in the day.

Russell: “If I did anything to offend anyone, I apologize.” This is so out of character for Russell, the entire jury just stares at him in stunned amazement, not buying it for a second. Look, you little urchin, what did you do that did NOT offend anyone?

Parvati: “I needed protection, so I kept Russell as my pet, but I played the ultimate game.” A little bit weak there, Parvati, and not really believable. And why do you still have that ugly dress on?

Then the jury gets a turn.

Colby: “Russell, you are delusional.” (Nail on the head.)

Coach: “Russell, you are a very little man in stature.” (And in other ways.) “Sandra, you were useless.” And as for Parvati, “You were a warrior in challenges.” (Gee, wonder who Coach is voting for?) He ends with “As a Christian, I came in here with no pre-conceived ideas of how I’m going to vote.” Hmm. Looks like Coach had a religious conversion while sitting in the jury house. How nice for him.

Amanda only has one question, for Sandra: “How could your strategy have been better?” Sandra: “Well, if my strategy had been better, then Russell would have been gone by now. I could never get the Heroes on my side.” (Pan to the Heroes on the jury, deservedly staring at the ground in embarrassment.)

Courtney is full of nothing but love for Sandra, babbling about “loyalty” and having each other’s back until the end. She glares at the other two, and then waits for the wind to blow her anemic body back to the jury stand.

JT to Russell: “You think these people are gonna vote for you?” Russell: “They’ll respect me.” Then JT actually appears to be giving slight props to Russell, but Russell can’t just take the sort-of compliment and has to run his mouth. JT gets fed up and just walks away.

Danielle to Russell: “You obviously have a lack of skill in your jury management. Would you change anything that you’ve done?” Russell: “I wouldn’t change a thing, and I’m not gonna say what you want to hear.” Danielle: “Well, you’re not gonna get any votes.”

At this point, the only one to show even slight love for Russell has been JT, and Russell’s arrogance STILL got in the way and scuttled that. I’m starting to get a warm fuzzy.

Jerri to Russell: “The plan was to take me. What happened?” Russell spews some double-talk that doesn’t make any sense. Parvati happily steps in: “He told ME that he knows 100% that he’s got your vote,” and that’s why he did it. Jerri and her hair do not take kindly to this revelation. Another vote in the toilet, Russell.

Candice to Russell: “I understand that you have to tell lies, but you went too far, telling vicious and dirty lies that hurt people.” (Conveniently, no one challenges Candice on her lies, so she turns and marches away, being careful to walk just right so her blonde hair looks really pretty in the fire light.)

Rupert to Russell: It’s hard playing this game with integrity. Being a “manipulative, deceiving, lying person is very easy.” To Sandra: “I was swayed by Russell” and his lies. “You deserve a big thank you” for what you tried to do. (Sandra chokes up a little bit, either with emotion or because a June bug flew in her mouth.) To Parvati: “You aligned with Russell, but at least YOU deserve to be here.”

Time to vote.

Interestingly enough, they actually show us what six of the Survivors write down.

Jerri, Danielle and Coach vote for Parvati.

Candice, Courtney and Rupert vote for Sandra.

We don’t see how JT, Colby and Amanda vote, but one thing is clear: There’s no way that Russell can win.

We do the mystical transition thing and suddenly we are in New York City for the results.

Parvati only got the three votes we’ve already seen.

Sandra gets the remaining votes, and wins Survivor for the second time.

Russell doesn’t get a single vote.

I smile and put down my pen on another season of Survivor, ready to relax and watch the reunion show. No need to take notes now. I already know how this is going to go: A full hour of Russell in denial, Sandra throwing out snappy one-liners, and the other 18 Survivors sharpening their knives for the Munchkin Feast. Good times…

#128 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 13

Post Tribal, everybody moseys back to camp, where the Villains scramble to figure out how to repair the damage after Russell managed to send one of their own home. At first, I’m pretty psyched, because I’m fully expecting Parvati to tear Russell a new one. Sadly, this does not happen.

Parvati in a sidebar: “I completely distrust Russell, but I need him so we can get rid of Rupert and Colby first.” Okay, hold up, Teeth Girl, let’s break this down. Russell just knocked off your bestie Danielle, and now you don’t have anybody to play Swimsuit Model with. Why are you focused on two Heroes that don’t have the numbers to do any real damage to the Villains?

Then we have Jerri, Russell and Parvati talking shop and discussing the same thing. Gotta get rid of those Heroes, because there’s SO many of them left and all. They completely ignore the elephant on the island, which is that Russell and Parvati can’t stand each other and Jerri has flipped so many times she needs a chiropractor. Good luck with the trust factor, guys.

Russell in a sidebar: “Parvati has nobody but ME now.” Then he kills a baby turtle with one of the machetes he’s stolen.

Roll opening credits.

Next morning, we get tree mail in the form of a box. Just to make sure we all understand that it’s time for some product placement, the box has “Sprint” stamped all over it. Inside is a Palm Pre. (Imagine that!) The Survivors all stand around and fiddle with the phone, shoving it at the camera so we can see that, yep, it’s powered by Sprint.

(Side note to the Sprint PR people: Maybe you didn’t think this one through. Instead of marveling at your piece of technology, I was turned off by the filthy fingers of the Survivors as they pushed the buttons. This made me not want to own a phone model that dirty people would use. Think about it.)

The phone also has videos of a family member for each of the Survivors. Apparently, these family members have just been whisked to the island so they can help out in the Reward Challenge, and are now standing behind a tree somewhere. Which means that we now must proceed to the Challenge so these relatives can come out of hiding.

So we cut to yet another area of the island where the Survivor producers have pretended that they didn’t disturb the natural environment, but you know they did. (How else are they going to have room for all the cameras, crew and those annoying Medical people that only speak Australian?) Immediately, Jeff starts plugging the wonders of the Sprint Palm Pre, in case we haven’t been paying attention up to this point. Based on his glowing words, you’d think this instrument can stop global warming as well as free Tibet.

Then Jeff starts bringing out the relatives, and we have the usual heart-stirring mini-reunions while poignant music plays on the soundtrack. Interesting to note: While everybody else busts out in tears and tightly clenches their loved ones, Russell greets his wife like it’s a business meeting. Not a tear in sight while they air kiss. They must live in a very, very cold house.

Down to business. Basically, the Survivors have scoop water out of the ocean with a bucket, run up to a line in the sand, throw the water through the air to their partner who is holding another bucket, then the partner dumps the catch in a bigger bucket. Jeff: First team to fill the bigger bucket gets to fly to another island and “experience the blowholes.”

Oh my. Guess we’ll see what THAT’S all about.

Jeff does some more shilling for Sprint (“You can take the Palm Pre with you!”) and then we’re off.

Right away, Colby is yelling at his brother for doing a lousy job, and he continues throughout the whole competition. (I’m guessing there was a troubled childhood.) Sandra shows that suckage at competitions just runs in the family, because she and her uncle just can’t get it together. (The uncle does try to steal water from the other teams, so I guess cheating is in the genes as well.) Jerri and her sister (All the way from Germany! We hear this 50 times!) manage to fill their bucket first.

Jeff tells Jerri she can pick another Survivor to go with. Jerri immediately tags Parvati (and her dad), but since Jerri’s a greedy little girl: “Can I take one more?” Jeff consents, and Jerri squeals Sandra’s name. Russell, because he didn’t get any validation from Jerri, turns to his wife and mutters: “She’s in trouble now.” The wife whole-heartedly agrees, and throws her bucket down to show her displeasure that someone would not worship her husband. That’s a messed-up redneck couple right there.

Cut to Jerri, Parvati, Sandra and the various family members standing at the blowholes, which turn out to be exactly that, holes on a rocky beach where the surf rolls in and blows out a geyser of water. (Yes, I was slightly disappointed that it wasn’t something more intriguing.) Anyway, the good time to be had here is when you throw a coconut in a hole at just the right time for the coconut to be launched high into the sky. They do this repeatedly until I’m ready for one of the falling coconuts to knock somebody out so we can go to another scene.

And we finally do cut away, but it’s only so we can see Parvati and her navel poised on yet another rock, as she babbles away about how the Palm Pre has changed her life. Then she has a small orgasm to prove it.

Finally, we’re done with that mess, and we move on the feast so the girls can shove food in their mouths while strategizing. Jerri’s all atwitter (in 140 characters or less) about Russell being mad at her because she didn’t pick him, and she might go home. Parvati scoffs at this. What? Rupert and Colby are next. You’re completely safe. Are you gonna finish that banana?

Well, turns out the girls might have at least a tiny thing to worry about, and it’s name is Russell. Back at camp, he’s in a sidebar, bellowing about Jerri AND Parvati. It’s one of his typical rants that he goes into when things don’t go exactly his way or someone dares to question his Divinity. He ends by calling them “unappreciative little witches”, although his actual choice of words is bit more colorful.

Russell then hops off his booster seat and races to Rupert and Colby, swearing Final Three with them. (Rupert in a sidebar: “I WANNA believe him.” Idiot.) Colby to Russell: “Can you get Jerri to flip?” Russell: “Yep. Parvati’s going home.”

The girls come straggling back to camp late at night (guess those blowholes had them enraptured for a long time). At first, everybody just goes to bed. Except Rupert. While people are trying to sleep, he starts sawing on things. Seriously. And throwing other things around and banging on stuff. For no reason. Everybody in the tent curses his existence and plots his demise. (Jerri goes off in a sidebar, and she wants him GONE.)

Since nobody can sleep now, Jerri and Russell confab on the beach, where she does that simpering mess where she coos over Russell and hopes he’s not mad at wittle Jerri for the not-picking-him boo-boo. Russell, because he needs her number, accepts her groveling and says he’ll let her know who to vote for. Jerri, skank that she is, basks in his glory. Yuck.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one is simple. You stand there with your hands out, palms down, and have to balance two poles, wedged between your hands and a board over your head. You drop a pole, you’re done. Fifteen SECONDS into it, Colby is out. Dude did not even try. Sandra follows in less than a minute, natch. Poles keep hitting the sand until it’s just Parvati and Rupert. They go for a while, but Parvati ultimately wins Immunity. (Ever notice that Parv is really good at competitions where she just has to stand still?)

Rupert in a sidebar: “Plan B, Sandra goes home.” Um, you might want to check with the short one before you say that.

Speaking of, Russell runs up to Parvati: Rupert is going home.

Sandra and Rupert on the beach. Sandra: “What do we do now? I want Russell to go.”

Rupert, the dumb-ass, runs to tell Russell what Sandra said. Russell storms off to find Sandra. He finds her, lounging in the tent, because she’s really tired after competing for almost a minute. (Parvati is there as well, probably wondering if anyone else needs her to talk about the Palm Pre.) Russell to Sandra: “Are you with me or against me?” Sandra, completely calm: “I’m against you, Russell.” Ohhh, gonna hit the fan now.

Instant squabbling, where it’s not really clear if Sandra was just playing, if Parvati is actually trying to mediate between the two or just pretending, or if Russell can even grasp the concept of people not seeing things his way. Then Parvati teases Russell by calling him Boston Rob for the “with me or against me” thing. Russell blows his top, threatens them both, then runs off to see if he’s finally grown tall enough to ride anything at Six Flags.

Jerri in a sidebar: “What is going ON? You DON’T push Russell’s buttons?”

Russell in a sidebar: “It might be Sandra instead of Rupert. I don’t know.”

Sandra in a sidebar: “I’m not gonna use the idol. It’s the last day to use it, but I feel confident.” (It’s the last freaking day, Sandra! Use it! God.)

Time for Tribal.

Sandra immediately spills about stupid Rupert running to Russell, and then Russell confronting her. Jeff to Russell: “Were you nice about it?” Of course not. Russell: “You go home if you’re against me.” Jeff then asks Parvati if keeping the Villain alliance intact is a good thing. Parvati: “There’s definitely room for switching up, but I want to keep the Villains with me. There’s a lot of Heroes on the jury.”

Pan to the jury, where everybody is looking clean and rested, and full of hatred for Russell.

Time to vote.

Jeff finally wanders back in. Idol, anyone?

Sandra leaps to her feet. (Good girl.) “I would hate to go home with the idol in my bra.” Then she digs around in there for a bit and whips it out.

Two votes for Sandra, which don’t count.

Four votes for Rupert. As Tie-Dye prepares to leave, he turns and glares at Russell. (Nice drama, Rupe, but you fell for his lies. Can’t blame anybody but yourself.)

Then Jeff makes an announcement: There’s only one competition left and we’re done.

Really? But we still have five people.

Interesting…

#127 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 12

Once again, everybody is traipsing back from Tribal, babbling about this and that while the night-vision cameras roll. Of course, the main topic of conversation is that naughty little Candice flipped, causing Sandra to NOT flip, resulting in a very-surprised Amanda getting sent home. Poor Amanda. Girl just can’t win. Literally.

Sidebar with Jerri, on Candice: Someone who flips that easily will just as easily flip back. We don’t really need her anymore. (Hey, Jer, considering how many times you and your hair have flipped, I guess you would know all about that, right?)

Cut to Rupert and Colby, who are fussing and whining about the Candice thing. (“She KILLED us.”) Then they call her a string of names which all come down to the same thing: You guys weren’t paying any attention, and she blind-sided you. In a way, isn’t that really YOUR fault? Just something to consider while you moan and feel sorry for yourselves.

Rupert in a sidebar: Candice is dead to us. “There are no other Heroes left.”

I’m sorry, Rupert. I stopped listening to you a long time ago whenever you try to say something noble, boring and slightly-delusional. Could you repeat that? On second thought, don’t.

Roll opening credits.

Well, hell, Rupert’s in another sidebar, with an astounding revelation: “I think Russell is a deceitful person. Anything he says is a lie!” (OMG, really? NEVER would have figured that out on my own.) But then Rupert promises to stir things up with Russell, which could prove interesting. We’ll see. Unless you’re just all talk once again, Rupert.

The producers prove me wrong by cutting to Rupert stirring things up with Russell. “You SWORE on your kids’ LIFE. Does ANYTHING mean anything to you.” It gets really heated, with Rupert punching all the right buttons. Of course, this means that Russell reverts to the only tactic he knows. He threatens Rupert. Oh, and he cusses a lot. There was so much bleeping going on that I checked the microwave to see if the popcorn was done.

Russell in a sidebar: “Rupert, pack your stuff, you’re going home.”

Then we have everybody traipsing into a clearing, fully expecting to play a Reward Challenge. Jeff surprises them by announcing that this will be an Immunity Challenge, and there will be another Tribal tonight, just one day after that last Tribal. (That sound you hear is 8 sphincters slamming shut.)

This competition is fairly simple. You stand on a little platform with one arm raised over your head. That arm is attached to a bucket with pretty water in it. You drop your arm, you’re out. For added excitement, Jeff is going to tempt the Survivors to bail voluntarily by proffering goodies. Oh, and there’s going to be a twist at the end.

We barely get started, and right at the one-minute mark, Jeff holds up a covered tray. Immediately, Sandra and Russell lower their arms, without even knowing what the prize is. Either those two feel very safe right now, or they weren’t paying attention when Jeff explained that this is an Immunity Challenge. (For those interested in details, turns out the tray contained cookies and milk, which Russell tears into like a rabid skunk.)

Then Jeff waves around some donuts and iced coffee, and Colby takes the bait. (Dude, you really need this Immunity. You can have a coffee break some other time.) When Jeff holds up PB&J sandwiches and chips, Danielle, Candice and Jerri knock each other down trying to get to it first. Why are these people not taking this seriously? There are just a few days left in the competition, and you’re going to blow it on snacks?

This leaves us with just Parvati and Rupert. Jeff reminds us that the last time Parvati played this exact game, she won it by lasting six hours. Six hours, people. I don’t even want to do something that feels GOOD for six hours. We get a shot of Parv, standing there like she doesn’t have a care in the world and confirming that she’s gotten a bikini wax at some point on the island.

Cut to Rupert, sweating and grunting and stupidly wiggling around on his little platform. Dude ain’t gonna last. Sure enough, he “slips” and is eliminated. (We totally believe that you slipped, Rupe. It had nothing to do with your Yoda-ass just giving up.) Parvati is safe at the next Tribal.

Then Jeff reveals the twist: It’s a clue for another Hidden Immunity Idol, but this time he just reads it out loud so everyone has a fighting chance. He doesn’t even finish babbling before the Survivors are racing over a hill and back to camp in a mad frenzy.

Scenes of crazed running, rudeness, destruction of local flora and fauna, and butt shots.

Lo and behold, SANDRA finds it, probably the laziest person on the island. (I had to rewind and make sure it wasn’t Russell in drag, because normally the idols fall out of the sky and into his lap while he’s doing a sidebar.) Sandra buries it under another bush and doesn’t tell anybody.

Rupert, meanwhile, has a plan. He finds a rock that is roughly the size of the Idols this season, and prominently positions it in a shorts pocket for people to notice and wonder about. And guess who falls for it?

Russell in a sidebar: “I know exactly how an idol looks in a pocket,” and THAT’S an idol. (It would be too easy to mock this statement with a sexual reference, so I’ll refrain.) Russell first races to tell Sandra that Rupert has the idol. (The one person who actually DOES have the idol. She, of course, doesn’t say anything.) Then Russell tells the Pixies.

So we have a quick scene with Parvati, Jerri and Danielle. They realize they need to split the vote between Colby and Rupert, just to be safe. But they sure want Candice out as well. What to do?

Stupidly, the Pixies are babbling away while Colby is RIGHT THERE, pretending to be interested in a coconut. He runs to tell Rupert the plan, half the votes are going your way, the other half will be either me or Candice. We NEED to vote for Candice. It’s our only shot.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Rupert: What was the fallout from the last Tribal? Rupert rambles on again about only two heroes left, blah blah, but bottom line is that Candice flipped. Candice says the numbers were already there, it didn’t matter what she did, so why go down with a sinking ship? (Which is a lie. Sandra was ready to flip, until Candice forced the issue.) Colby slams her. Very satisfying.

Then we talk about the idol, with Rupert slyly saying something that SOUNDS like he has the idol, but he stops short. Russell practically turns handsprings, because he takes this as validation that his guess was right. Then again, Russell gets validation by simply waking up in the morning and realizing he has yet another day to lie to people.)

Time to vote.

When Jeff comes back from “tallying the vote”, and asks if anybody wants to play the idol, Rupert continues his little charade by fiddling with his pocket while Russell grins. But Rupert doesn’t step forward, and Russ starts to realize that something is up.

Jeff starts to read the first vote, and we cut to commercial.

What the hell? NOT impressed with that.

Jeff starts to read the votes, and right away there are three for Rupert. Then five for Candice. The Pixies have bucked the Troll’s decree, and Candice is going home.

Jeff: Perfect example that you “can’t betray trust in order to gain trust.”

People march back to camp, and Russell lashes out at his Pixies. They try to assure him that everything is fine, we’ll get Colby next time. He doesn’t care, he’s just mad that he’s not dictating every move. Meanwhile, we have a shot of Parvati wearing Gloria Swanson’s turban from “Sunset Boulevard”. (No idea.)

And we go right into another Immunity Challenge. This is one of those three-part puzzle/obstacle course things, with only the top finishers moving on to the next round. Surprisingly, Rupert really pours it on and makes it to the final round with Russell and Pavati. It’s very close, but in the end Russell pulls it off and is safe. (Damn it.)

The Survivors trudge home in pouring rain, with the scantily-clad Pixies shivering in their mini-bikinis. (Bet you feel real sexy NOW, eh girls?)

Parvati in a sidebar: Rupert needs to go home. I don’t feel guilty. “The Villains are running this place, and there ain’t gonna be any Heroes left. NO Heroes.” Then she giggles. And the camera reveals that she’s apparently still cold from the rain.

Quick scene with Russell, Parvati and Danielle. Parvati is explaining that they need to lock in their 5-vote block. Russell acts like that’s the plan, but something’s bugging him. (Maybe it’s because he has to stand on a box so he can be in the same camera shot with Parv and Danny?)

Russell explains his beef in a sidebar: He is really jealous of Parvati and Danielle being so tight. “I need to break up that couple.” Oh boy, here we go again with his paranoia and Napoleon complex. How is this going to help you win right now, Russell?

So the scampering little troll puts his plan in motion, telling lies to both Parvati and Danielle that each wants the other out. He’s a little more successful with Danielle, but in a sidebar she reveals that she’s not sure she believes him. Russell hits a brick wall with Parvati. She’s not falling for it at all. So what does Russell do? He threatens to send Parv home, natch.

Parvati gets with Danielle, and they realize what Russell is doing. Parv: “I am NOT voting you tonight. I refuse.” And hey, that’s a really cute top, where’d you get that?

Russell in a sidebar: “I’m getting Danielle out tonight, and then Parvati will stick to me like glue.” Then he runs to get Colby and Rupert to vote Danielle. Well, of COURSE they’re going to jump on that. They’re outnumbered. If the Villains are imploding, sign us up.

Parvati and Danielle get Sandra on their side. Parvati: “Now we just have to make sure that Jerri doesn’t write Danielle’s name down.” They race to find her, and she promises: “I’m not changing my vote. Rupert needs to go.” Then Jerri goes to water yoga, or whatever she was doing before the interruption. Aw, does she miss Coach?

Russell goes to Jerri and plays hardball with her, if she doesn’t vote Danielle, then Jerri’s going home. Jerri: “Don’t threaten me, Russell.” Too late.

Time for Tribal.

And really, the whole discussion centers around Danielle. Jeff, once again not really treating people equally, digs at her until she says something he can pounce on, that the Villains are still a tight group. Jeff, smacking his lips in anticipation (or maybe he’s licking up some left-over lobster sauce from brunch), tries to tear this apart.

Parvati finally has enough and steps in. Okay, here’s the deal. Russell tried to pit the two of us against each other today. Jeff: “So Russell, you got caught.” Russell: “I didn’t get caught.” More lies spew out of his mouth, some serious ones. And because he won’t let Danielle get a word in, she can’t really defend herself.

Danielle finally breaks down in tears. On the one hand, it’s really all her own fault for hooking up with devil Russell. There’s that. But Russell is such a lying bastard And it gets worse. Right in front of everybody, Russell leans over to Jerri and tells her to vote for Danielle. (Jerri, somewhat startled by this blatancy, pretends to be fascinated by a patch of dirt.)

Parvati is so pissed she could explode. SOMEbody’s not getting a Christmas card this year.

Time to vote.

Danielle, Parvati and Sandra vote for Rupert.

Russell, Colby, Rupert and Jerri vote for Danielle. (Meaning Jerri flipped yet another time, is anybody paying any attention to this?) Danielle and her tears exit stage left, booted from the power trio. (It’s just like “Dreamgirls”! Only not really.)

Parvati to Russell: “That’s messed up.”

He just smirks.

#126 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 11

So everybody’s marching into camp after the amazing double-idol extravaganza that Parvati pulled, with the end result being a stunned JT walking out the door and into the Land of Humiliation. Rupert whispers to Colby, “I tried.” At first I think he might be talking about combing his hair, then I realize he was the only one who believed Sandra about Russell’s lies. Colby, in his cowboy hat, because you really need those at night, just says “Yep.” (Does he think he’s Gary Cooper?)

Candice to the former Villains: “Well, it was a good one you guys. It really was.” Everybody laughs like they’re all best friends, but you can tell that even the Villains can’t believe what happened.

Especially Russell. He’s parked in a tent, pouting because he’s obviously not completely in control anymore. He grills Sandra. Did you know she had the idols? Sandra: Hell, I didn’t know she even had ONE, let alone TWO. Did you know? Nope, Russell says he didn’t know a thing. (Dude, you GAVE her one of those two. Have you ever told the truth in your life? You should try it some time. Just to see what it feels like.)

Russell can’t let it go. Next we have him on the beach with Parv, Jerri and Danielle. He accuses Parvati of lying, and stealing the second idol from him, and blah blah blah. He mean. Cut to Parvati in a sidebar: I think Russell’s a little scared. And that’s fine by me. (You got that right, sister. Toy with that little troll until he snaps.)

Off to the side, Amanda tells Rupert that he was right all along (ya think?) and now they need to scramble and get one of the Villains to jump to their side. Rupert is going to work on Sandra, while Amanda will work on “the others”. (Aside from this being a vague assignment for Amanda, I’m not sure you want Amanda talking to anybody. It was her bad acting skills that clued Parvati in to the fact that the Heroes weren’t writing her name down. Maybe Amanda should just be on coconut duty.)

Then there’s a long montage where Rupert does uninteresting things with the campfire while he whines about people not listening to him. We get it, Rupert. Thanks for repeating it so many times. Now you and your toe need to get Sandra to flip.

Roll opening credits.

Scene with Russell and Candice on the beach, where he’s babbling about “somebody’s gonna jump” and he sure would like to pull Candice in as reinforcements. (In a sidebar, Russell thinks the jumper is Sandra. Of course she’s going to jump, Rustle. You and the Pixie Chicks haven‘t done her any favors.) Russell promises that Candice can be in the top six, and hints at possibly making the top three. (Note to Russ: How can you promise that? Didn’t Parvati just prove that you aren’t running the game? Note to Candy: Run in the other direction like there’s free cheese at Wal-Mart.)

Russell runs to tell the Pixies that Candice is IN, ready to burn her old house down. Now it doesn’t matter what Sandra does.

Then bam, we’re suddenly at the Reward Challenge. No tree mail, nothing. (Did some staffer forget to do something somewhere along the line?) This one’s called “Survivor Shuffle”, a shuffleboard thing where you have to slide discs and try to get them closest to the target. They’re splitting into three teams, and the winners get to visit the Robert Louis Stevenson museum and watch “Treasure Island”.

Sort of a sucky prize, right? And where’s the food? Is this even worth getting dirty and sweaty?

We get going, and once again Sandra proves that she can’t win a damn thing. On her second shot, Jeff can’t help but say “That was a wasted shot right there.” On the very last shot, Colby hits the mark perfectly, so he, Danielle and Amanda are going on reward. (Sandra as she marches away empty-handed: “We’re going to eat all the rice, so don’t go looking for it when you come back.”)

So the three of them show up at Robert L’s house, where a floral-printed woman is telling us things we don’t care about. (“Bob sat in this very chair!”) Everyone looks bored, and Amanda is picking up and examining everything in the museum. (If I were the guide, I would have slapped her, who cares if the cameras are rolling.)

In a sidebar, Amanda says her focus was finding the hidden immunity idol clue. Whatev, girl, you don’t pick up old things that don’t belong to you. Leave that to Tiger Woods.

Then we see the trio lounging on a bed, watching the movie and eating popcorn. (Everyone agrees that the popcorn is deelish. The movie, not so much.) Amanda is paying no attention, with her darting eyes searching the room for the clue. But it’s Danielle that finds the clue in one of the bowls of popcorn. She discreetly throws it under the bed while Amanda is checking the toilet paper roll.

Amanda gets suspicious, goes to Danielle’s side of the bed, and finds the clue. She snatches it up and runs. She and Danielle actually get into a catfight, stomping all over the place. (Colby just lays on the bed, uninterested.) This fight goes on for a while, with Danielle calling Amanda “psychotic” at least 47 times and clawing to get the clue back. All we need is some hot oil and we’ve got Showtime After Dark.

Danielle finally tries to get Colby involved. He actually says “I didn’t see what happened. I was watching ‘Treasure Island.’” (Are you kidding me? They’ve been pulling each other’s hair for twenty minutes.) Colby then says it’s understandable that Amanda took it, we’re desperate. “But it’s YOUR clue, Danielle. You found it.” Amanda finally gives it to her. Danielle: “I need a glass of wine” after that.

Amanda in a sidebar: “Colby wasn’t backing me up.” Honey, it doesn’t matter. If that clue was in MY hands, I’d have ripped it open, read it aloud, and THEN given it back. Do you want the money or not? (And Colby? Shut up.)

So the three get back to camp, and Danielle goes running up to Russ and the Pixies, and tells a totally different story about getting the clue back from Amanda. In her version, she beat Amanda to death with a copy of “Treasure Island” and snatched the clue. (Uh huh.) But yeah, they sort of know I have the clue. Jerri: “So let’s go find it.”

Off they go, scrambling through the undergrowth and shoving rocks around. (At one point, we are treated to a full-screen shot of Danielle’s butt. With THAT being in high-def, I was scared.) And of course, Russell finds it and doesn’t tell the others.

Russell runs to Candice, says he found the idol, and that him showing it to her should be proof that he’s not lying about her coming into the alliance. Candice, no dummy: “Can I see it now?” Russell glances over at the tent where the rest of the folks are lying around, lethargic but still able to keep their eyes open. Umm. Candice: “I want to see it NOW.”

Russell drags her off to wherever he’s got the idol, waves it at her briefly, then says “This is what is going to get us to the final three.” (Oh, now she’s final three?) Candice in a sidebar: “I don’t know if I trust Russell.” How many hundreds of times have we heard people say that, just before they DO trust him and get sent home? Geez.

Now we have Sandra and Colby traipsing through the forest, with Sandra spilling all about how Russell and the Pixies eliminated her alliance. (In a sidebar, Sandra confirms that she is SO ready to jump.) Trouble is, Colby is convinced that Danielle has the Idol, based on her having the clue. (Fair enough.) So this skews their plotting. Bottom line, Colby asks “Do we take out Russell or Parvati?”

Cut to Russell and Sandra. He lets slip that there are 6 people on his side, so even if you flip it doesn’t matter. “But anyway, I trust you.” Sandra kind of giggles as he walks away. (Note to Sandra: Don’t ever floss your teeth in front of us like you just did. Not pretty.)

Sandra goes to Rupert. I’m ready, let’s get Russell. Oh, by the way, Russell says one of your guys flipped. I hope they’re just lying to him. Can you check that out?

Colby goes to Amanda. Sandra’s on our side. We can do this. Russell or Parvati.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one involves them using tiles to build a 10-foot “house of cards”. First to do so, Immunity. Most everyone is horrible at this, so it comes down to a race between Jerri and Russell. Jerri pulls it off just seconds ahead of Russell. (Which I’m sure sends him into a tizzy, because he won’t be able to do a showy “double idol” thing at Tribal, and therefore Parvati still owns the best move this season. More pouting.)

Back at camp, Russell gets with Candice. Write Amanda’s name down. Whether you do it or not, she’s going home. Hmm. At this point, I don’t see the math behind that statement, but you never know. And really, it’s all about the playing of the hidden idol. Which Russell owns, so the little chihuahua will probably squeak by again.

Candice in a sidebar: At this point, people are going to be mad, either way I go. True. But are you really going to side with Russell? He will throw you under the bus. And when you’re old and gray, wouldn’t it be nice to have a merit badge on your cardigan sweater that says “I tricked Russell”?

Quick scene with most of the Heroes (not sure if Sandra was there, we saw lots of body parts so I can‘t be certain). Rupert: “Everyone has to make sure to write Russell’s name down.” Interestingly enough, there’s an odd expression on Amanda’s face. What’s up with that? Then again, there’s some low wattage with that bulb. Who knows.

Very revealing scene with Russell, Candice and Parvati. Candy tells Russell that the Heroes are voting for him. Parvati: “I’ve never seen Amanda lay down and die like this.” Candice: “She thinks she’s safe.” Parvati: “That makes more sense to me.” Then a weird thing that I don’t understand. Russell: “Who told you she was good? Did Sandra say she was good?” Candice nods.

Wait. So what IS Candice doing? Which side is she on?

Russell runs as fast as he can to find Sandra, with Candice trailing along behind him. Russell tells Sandra that Candice said Sandra was going to vote for him. Sandra denies this. Candice catches up with them. Russell basically threatens both of them, because that’s the only way he knows to operate. Then they all glare at each other for a bit. (Candice and Sandra have to bend down to do this, but still.)

Russell in a sidebar: All I need is one vote from either one of them, and Amanda goes home. Unless they have a genius plan where both of them are going to flip. Then it might be ME going home.

I immediately run and light a votive candle and begin chanting prayers.

Scene with Sandra, Rupert, Colby and Candice. Sandra is understandably freaking a little bit. Colby: “Candice is on our side. Calm down. We’re voting Parvati.”

Really? Not Russell?

Then Rupert explains. Either Danielle has the idol, or she’s going to give it to Russell. Total blindside if we vote for Parvati. Another scene with Candice swearing that she will not leave Sandra swinging in the wind. And Colby flat out says: If this doesn’t work, then we know that Candice flipped. And Candice is sitting right there. She makes a face that will not put her on the cover of “Glamour”.

I have no idea what’s going to happen at this point.

Then we have ANOTHER confusing scene, with Sandra and Candice on the beach. Russell and Danielle try to run up and get in the middle of things, but Sandra sends them away. “Can you JUST give us a minute? Every time I try to talk to someone other people are in my face.” (True.) Sandra to Candice: “Just vote Parvati.” Candice wants to vote Amanda, which clearly says she’s siding with Russell. Sandra: I am putting myself on the line for YOU. Who do you really want out?”

The camera cuts away before Candice responds. Of course.

Tribal.

And Jeff makes the focus all about Sandra. How do the Heroes win her over? How do the Villains convince her to stay? Russell makes it clear that he thinks Sandra is worthless, but at the same time, you have a better chance of winning at the end with a worthless person. Nice. How’s that for a warm fuzzy, Sandra?

Jeff: Who has the immunity idol? Colby: Danielle has it. (Nope.) Jeff: “Parvati, you worried?” Parv: Of course. I’ve given away my protection. Jeff: “Russell, you could be a target.” Russ: “Unless I find an idol, I’m gone.” Oh please. What’s that bulge in your pocket? The “Survivor” producers?

Time to vote.

Jeff “tallies” the votes. “Anyone have the idol?”

Russell plays his, giving a boring, self-congratulating speech.

End result, 3 votes for Parvati, 6 for Amanda, which means that both Sandra and Candice went to the dark side. What the hell? I. Just. Don’t. Get. These. People.

Parvati to Russell: “Dude, you wasted that idol.” (Déjà vu.)

Doesn’t really matter. He’ll find another one on his way home from Tribal.

By the way, anybody keeping an eye on the growing jury pool? Does Russell really think he can get a vote out of that mess? Just wondering…

#124 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 10

We start out in the Heroes camp, where everybody is babbling about the upcoming merge. They are all very psyched about the illusion that as soon as the merge happens, Russell is going to come running to them with open arms and the game will be theirs. It’s sad that logic has left them behind. Maybe it’s a vitamin deficiency.

JT in a sidebar: “Give us a merge, give us anything, we’re bored!” (Speaking of giving, JT, you’ve already given Russell the gift that’s going to keep on giving, just not in the way you think. This whole episode might just be centered around your surprised facial expressions as things develop.)

Then we have Amanda and Rupert wandering over to the little tree mail spot, and lo and behold there’s a big ole chest sitting there. The attached note indicates there’s no key, but “company” might just be coming along to help them out with that. Merge!

Cut to the Villains camp, where they find a key attached to a giant walking stick with a piece of paper wrapped around it. This paper turns out to be a map to the other camp. A joyous celebration erupts as everyone jumps and cheers. (Including Sandra, although I’m sure her bouncing is for an entirely different reason.)

Russell gathers his minions around (minus Sandra, natch) and they concoct a little story about “double idols” so that the Heroes will THINK Russell tried to do as JT expected by attempting to vote Parvati out, but things just got wacky. On the surface, there are 500 holes in this story, but based on the gullibility of the Heroes so far, it just might fly.

Russell in a sidebar: “I’m the only one with a hidden idol.” Interesting, since that means Parvarti has held her tongue about her own little jewel. Then Russell runs back to join the rest of the dancing Villains, as they all convinced that the Heroes are “doing down in flames.”

Roll opening credits.

And here come the Villains, traipsing down the Hero beach while lugging gear and cussing about the fact that they have to carry things. (Did you expect valet service? I’m sure Jeff has a few servants he can spare, ask him.)

A camera zooms in the catch JT’s reaction to the fact that Parvati is at the head of the line, as I’m sure they’ve been instructed to do. He’s a little surprised. (JT in a sidebar: I couldn’t believe Parvati was still there. Then I saw Russell’s little legs sticking out from under the Sear’s crate, and I knew what had happened. They both played an idol. Now there aren’t any left! Woo hoo!

Poor, poor delusional thing.

Everybody finally gets to camp, and there’s lots of fake hugging and pretense that they all don’t want to stab each other in the back. They bust open the trunk, where they find new buffs, of course, and a nice spread of food. While they chow down on this, they try to think of a new tribe name. Most of the suggestions are boring, but then Jerri, because she’s bitter, spits out “All Villains”. Because we all are.

Rupert, because he’s all about truth, honesty and idealized visions that have no basis in reality, races off to find a camera for a sidebar. He’s terribly offended about being compared to a villain, and he wants to whine about that for quite some time. Um, Rupert, weren’t you all gung-ho about the dumb-ass decision to sneak an idol to Russell? That’s not villainous? Hmm.

Then we have some rather tired scenes with people working around camp, lying on the beach and not working (you always have those people), and folks talking strategy. One thread does become clear, they want Parvati to go home, and Parvati overhears some of this. (Then quit snooping, girl.)

Parvati, overcome with emotion that people might not like her, races off to some part of the beach and (I think) starts to cry. (She may have just gotten sand in her eye.) “They HATE me… I’m offended at how they’re treating me.”

First, ya whiner, you have done under-handed things since you first sent in your audition tape years ago. You should not be surprised. Second, you won the game by being under-handed. Did you really expect a pride parade and marriage proposals?

Danielle wanders up and tries to boost her morale. We’re in a good spot, don’t sweat it, blah, blah. This seems to work, as Parvati suddenly brightens at the prospect of destroying the other tribe. “They’re about to be picked off one by one.” Realizing how much fun this is going to be, they hug and break.

Now, I should point out that, despite Parvati being supposedly emotionally devastated during this bit, she never once assumes a pose that would be unflattering to the camera. Apparently personal grief causes here to glisten and stretch while the tape rolls. And of course the camera person laps it all up, zooming in on the dewy angles. Hey CBS, nothing says “family show” like the close-up of a tiny-bikini crotch, right?

Russell wanders up to JT and Rupert, and spills his lie about the non-existent double-idol vote that stopped him from sending Parvati home. Rupert actually acts a few probing questions, instead of just lying there and taking it, which seems to be his usual position this season, but Russell deftly throws out more lies. None of his story makes sense if people think about it, but it sure sounds good. Russell tops of his tale by swearing on those kids of his, like he’s been doing for two seasons. (Do these kids even exist? Has anybody ever seen them?)

JT in a sidebar: “He might be lying, but I don’t believe it.” Idiot.

Russell in a sidebar: “This is going to be way easier than I thought.”

Sandra and Rupert meet briefly on the beach, and she spills. “Whatever Russell says, agree but don’t believe it. Parvarti did NOT play the idol. Now, they can’t see me talking to you or I’m gone, so I gotta go.” Then she races off, clutching a piece of driftwood because props are always nice in any given scene.

Rupert in a sidebar: “Is Russell playing us?” Gee, I don’t know, Rup. He’s played everybody else. You watched last season, right?

Scene with everybody eating breakfast, where Parvati and Danielle decide that they’d rather have bananas instead of eggs, and off they go to get some from the stock. For some reason, this really sets off the Heroes. (Rupert in a sidebar: “This makes me MAD. We ration around here.) Hmm. Doesn’t look like Rupert’s been going without, just sayin.

Then we have Rupert, Amanda, JT and Candice, finally trying to talk strategy instead of whine about fruit. Rupert: “What if Russell is playing us?” JT (of course): “No way!” Amanda: “I don’t think so.” Candice, to her credit, doesn’t enter the Russell Love Shack. Rupert: In case he is lying, “we need a voting plan. Tell him we’re gonna do one thing and then vote another way.” Amanda, finally getting the hint of a clue: “That would be a good test.” Clap and break.

While JT has a sidebar where he proves that he’s still in denial about Russell, Rupert tracks down Candice, who seems to share his suspicions: “Don’t. Trust. Russell.” Candice nods knowingly, but also looks startled to learn that the existence of Bigfoot has just been confirmed. She glances around for the quickest route to safety.

Amanda and Parvati meet up on the beach. They both babble a bit about really wanting to work together, but it’s tough. And Amanda warns: “They want you gone. I’m working to get rid of Sandra to keep you here.” Parvati, debating on whether or not there is any trust here: “Will you at least tell me how they’re going to vote” when it comes down to it? Amanda agrees. Parvati: “Then there’s this. I have an idol.”

So both are sharing details. Are they back together again? Can they bust the alliances? Apparently not.

Amanda in a sidebar: “If Parvati makes it to the end, she’ll win.”

Parvati in a sidebar: “I’m going to make sure no Villains go home tonight.”

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one basically involves standing on tall totem pole things that have very narrow indented rings where you MIGHT be able to stick in a toe or two. Whoever lasts the longest gets individual immunity. Amazingly, Colby is the first down. (“Not my forte.”)

Sandra goes seconds later. Russell follows. Then Rupert gives up, followed by Amanda, then JT, of all people. (Why are the Heroes dropping like this? Only Candice remains. Are the Heroes THAT confident that Russell is in their pocket? Or are they just afraid of heights?)

Jerri manages to last an hour and a half, which surprises me. Girl usually whips out some physical ailment as an excuse whenever stamina is involved. Then Candice, who hasn’t even broken a sweat, suddenly says “Good luck” to the remaining two pole-clutchers and prepares to jump down. Jeff tries to stop her: “Before you go, why?” Candice: “They look like they can go for a while.” And she’s down.

What is UP with the Heroes? Candice could have taken that.

Danielle and Parvati, the last two, have a whispered conversation. Danielle: “I’ll win this one. You have the idol.” Parvati: “I’m out.” She drops, Danielle gains immunity, and Jeff scurries back to his yacht parked in a nearby lagoon.

Rupert in a sidebar: “Parvati must have the idol, or she wouldn’t have quit.” This is more proof that Russell lied, and Sandra was telling the truth. “I want Russell out!”

Colby to JT: “We need to tell Russell that we’re voting for Jerri or Sandra, and then vote the other way.”

Russell in a sidebar: “I’ve got to get the idol to Parvarti, so we can vote JT out.” Then he runs to hand her such. Parvati totally plays it up. “Oh, you. Thanks, honey!” Then she lets him briefly touch her to ensure that he stays on her side.

Parvati in a sidebar: “I’ve got two little green men protecting me.” Um, I count three, when you pull Russell into the picture.

Again with Amanda and Parvati on the beach, sort-of pretending to be in a mini-alliance and sort of not. Amanda: “You better play the idol.” Parvati questions this. Why? Amanda: “Just play it.” Then they both scamper off to a sidebar to say what they really feel.

Amanda: “She’s dangerous.”

Parvati: “She’s lying about playing the idol.” They’re doing something else, and it’s too risky for me to play the idol and lose it for no reason. (Great insight, really. Now, could you stop fiddling with your bikini top? We are fully aware that you are proud of the twins.)

Time for Tribal.

Rupert immediately goes off on the banana thing. Danielle: “Really, what’s a banana or two?” Rupert continues to rant, boring us all, until Russell finally says: “So what, let’s play.” Jeff to Russell: “Is this an important vote?” Russell: “It will change the rest of the game.”

Parvati, apparently having a flashback to her sob-fest on the beach: “I feel like everyone’s avoiding me.” Jeff: “Is that because you’re used to constant attention in real life?” Parv: “No, Jeff. You’re right, but no.”

Time to vote.

Interestingly enough, instead of the usual voting montage where we only see how one or two people vote, the producers lets us glimpse almost all of the Hero votes, and they’re all voting for Jerri. That tells me right there that something wild is about to happen, and it’s not going to be Jerri going home.

Jeff scoops up the vote bucket and then pauses at his little stand. Idol, anyone?

And here’s the wild part: Parvati, claiming that she’s just looking out for her tribe, pulls out an idol and hands it to Sandra. Then, for a “little extra security”, she pulls out the other idol and hands it to Jerri.

Wow.

Everybody in the hut freaks. (And yes, we get the reaction shot from JT that we’ve been waiting for. Plus a bonus shot from a totally flummoxed Russell. He had no idea.)

Jeff does his thing, all five votes for Jerri are thrown out, and JT is going home. JT actually shakes Russell’s hand before leaving.

Russell turns to Parvati: “You have some explaining to do.” She just grins and continues to squirm around and

Probably the most interesting surprise move I’ve ever seen on the show. Down side? Parvati no longer has an idol. She will have to completely trust Russell and the other Fly Girls to stay in the game…

#122 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 9

We start out in the Villains camp right after Coach has been sent home.

The camera zooms in on a rat running across the ground. (Is it Russell? Is he carrying a tiny machete that he’s going to hide from the rest of the tribe?)

Jerri in a sidebar: She totally didn’t see the Coach thing coming. (Really, Jerri? Let’s see. You decided, over Coach’s objections, to make an alliance with Russell and the dancing bathing suit models. You didn’t think there would be fallout?)

Jerri races off to find Danielle. What’s going on? Am I safe? Danielle: “I’m not writing your name down. You’re not next.” (Let me translate that for ya, Jerri. Satan’s Trio is not aiming for you right now. But you’re ON the list.)

Jerri, because she’s still in denial, runs off to find Russell. What’s going on? Am I safe? (Sweetie, why are you even asking this man? He’s going to tell you exactly what you want to hear.) And he does. “I promise you ain’t next.” (Can you tell that Russell went to a really gud skool? And dude, if you really are a self-made millionaire, why the hell haven’t you paid anybody to fix your teeth?)

Opening credits roll.

It’s the next day at the Villains camp. They get tree mail about the next Reward Challenge, and the note spells it out that they need to rank their tribe from the strongest to the weakest in preparation for the competition. Hmm. We have Russell and five rail-thin women who having trouble standing in a slight breeze. This won’t take long.

Zip over to the Heroes camp, where they are perusing the same tree mail. At least these folks are trying to figure out the best strategy for this “strongest” thing. It depends on the competition. If strong can be offset by being too heavy, we might want to mix this up. JT: “The bigger you are, the harder it is.”

Rupert stomps off to a sidebar, really irritated with JT. Rupert thinks he’s the strongest person on the island. I see. Okay, then explain to me why you haven’t personally done a single thing that lead to a tribe victory? Care to field that question, Yoda?

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Rupert shows his butt again by hooting and hollering when he sees that Coach went home on the Villains tribe. Yep, there’s for sure an all-girl alliance going on over there. JT backs him up. Them girls be runnin’ things. (Okay, Rhubarb and Cletus, try to focus for a second. If the women folk are laying down the law over there, don’t you think they would have sent Russell home before Coach?)

Jeff explains that this Challenge involves standing in booths with little ledges for your feet, and then progressing down to even tinier ledges until you can’t stand it anymore and you crash to the ground. Members from the opposing tribes are paired up based on the rankings they did after the tree mail. If someone in any matched set tumbles, the other tribe gets the point.

Because the tribes took different approaches to the ranking thing, we have some really odd pairs, and this could be anyone’s game. Jeff: And by the way, Amanda is now the first person in Survivor history to tough it out for 100 days.

Wow, that’s actually pretty impressive from one angle. On the flip side, the poor thing has never won despite making it to Final Tribal twice. Which means, Amanda, that when the tribes merge, and they will, you need to stay far away from Parvati. She skanked your butt once before. Do you really want to set another Survivor record by being the only person to make it to Final Tribal THREE times and still lose? I rest my case.

Anyway, Jeff tells all that the prize for this Reward Challenge is a meal from Outback Steakhouse. (Can you say “product placement”?) Upon hearing the news, several members on both tribes drop to their knees in prayer. (Russell tries to do this, but once he realizes that he would be praying to himself, it’s really a moot point.)

And here we go. Colby drops first, which means Jerri wins a point for the Villains. Rupert drops next (so much for his delusional strength, right?), meaning Sandra gets a point for the Villains. Finally, Amanda grunts and hits the ground, letting Courtney (COURTNEY!) score the final point for the Villains.

As the Villains celebrate their win, Jerri bursts into tears. (I guess the girl really loves her some Outback entrees. J-Low, if you really understood how long red meat stays in your digestive tract, wreaking havoc, you’d probably shut off the waterworks.)

Cut to the Villains wandering up to a cute little Outback shack on the beach, complete with a fully-stocked bar. Sandra sucks down what looks like a raspberry margarita in less than three seconds. (I don’t know about the rest of you, but I suddenly want to party with her.)

They settle in to eat, and we see that as Parvati snatches up her napkin, a rolled-up clue tumbles out. She quickly shoves it into her panties, and it appears that no one sees this maneuver. While the rest of the gang digs in, Parv can’t stand the suspense and suddenly announces that she has to pee. “Be right back!”

Danielle, latching on to the fact that Parvati does not turn down meat of any kind and therefore something must be up, decides to follow her. “Me too!”

The two of them confab on the beach, where Parv shares the clue with Danielle. There’s another hidden Immunity Idol, if you can just figure out the producer’s weird nursery rhyme about where it might be. They do a happy dance.

Parvati in a sidebar: I only shared the clue with Danielle as a strategy move.

Zip over to the Heroes camp, where we initially have JT bellowing that he doesn’t care about any damn steak. Fine, don’t really believe it, but okay. Then JT takes his first moronic steps into Insanity Land. He spells it out like this to the rest of the tribe: We are just about to merge, I just know it. Russell’s on the outs over there with the Villains, he’s going next. If we win the next Immunity Challenge, I’m going to give our Idol to Russell so he can save himself and then immediately join us after the merge. Genius, right?

Crickets chirp.

Amanda in a sidebar: “This is CRAZY. We don’t really know what’s going on over there.” Surely she’s not the only one who sees the madness in JT’s plan.

But apparently she is. There’s a sidebar with Rupert, and his broken toe, where he’s practically salivating at this brilliant move. Even Candice, who generally has a level head, spews this to Amanda: “It could give us the numbers, and it gets the Idol away from JT.” Wait, you’re going to give an Immunity Idol to someone on the OTHER tribe?

Oh my God these people are stupid. Why isn’t somebody stopping this?

Back over to the Villains camp, where first we have Russell sitting on the beach, watching a rainbow develop off in the distance. I have no idea what that’s all about, because Russell doesn’t understand natural beauty. He only understands things he can buy or steal. I’m fairly certain of what political party is stamped on his voter card.

Cut to Parvati and Danielle, racing around the island and trying to figure out where the hidden Immunity Idol might be. Amazingly, they find it. (I guess they didn’t read the script where it clearly explains that only Russell is allowed to find these things.) Parvati is jumping with joy. “I’m the queen. And usually the king does what the queen says anyway.”

Quick shot of Russell, realizing that something is up and racing around the island to find out what his marionettes are doing. He doesn’t find them. Good.

Transition to the Heroes camp, where JT is writing a love letter to Russell, using a lined page in a spiral notebook that nobody has seen up to this point. I didn’t see anybody bring that notebook on the island. Where did it come from? I’m going to guess that Jeff wandered through the camp and handed it to JT, saying something like “we’ve already run the promos showing that you did something dumb-ass, so here’s some paper. Pay it forward.”

JT in a sidebar: I’m really nervous but I’m gonna do it.

Stupid man. Exactly how did you win on your season? Oh, that’s right, you chipped a tooth and everybody thought that was money-worthy instead of just bad coordination.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff explains that this event involves the tribes competing against each other to work bags of puzzle pieces (natch) along a rope over an obstacle course. Once a tribe gets five bags to the endpoint, they then have to build a totem pole out of the pieces. (Perhaps this is not the time to ask what totem poles have to do with an island south of the equator.)

So off they go, and it becomes clear early on that the Heroes are going to win this thing. What’s more important is that Russell and Colby end up being the last players on both of their tribes, standing around at the starting gate while the various players flail away on the obstacle course. Colby gets Russell’s attention, and tells him that he needs to meet up with JT right after the race. I think Colby even mutters “I love you, man”, but it’s not clear because there’s a lot of splashing around in the riptide as the race progresses.

Russell is stunned, but recovers quickly, telling lies to Colby that Parvarti is running the show over at the Villains camp. Russell agrees to vote Parvati out at the impending Tribal Council that will be the result of the Villains falling on their ass in this competition.

Two seconds later, Jeff declares the Heroes the winner. A Villain is going home.

Four seconds later, JT discreetly hands the Idol to Russell during the Hero celebration. (I am clawing my face at this point. WHY are you people doing this? It’s madness.) Russell is so psyched about this turn of events that his head almost explodes. Sadly, it doesn’t.

Sidebar with Russell: “People are actually giving ME the Idols!” What the hell?

We arrive at the Heroes camp, where JT is very proud of himself. “We did it! We just made Survivor history.” And you probably did, but not for the reason that you think. Rupert, also overly joyful that they’ve done something spectacular, is convinced that “Russell is having a hard time containing himself.”

Cut to the Villains camp, where Russell is clearly NOT having a hard time containing himself. He’s already handed JT’s letter to Parvati, and she’s reading passages aloud in between bouts of hysterical laughter. “(What, is he in fifth grade, passing notes?”)

Parvati in a sidebar: Why would JT even do this? He’s just handed his heart to Russell, who’s going to stab it into a million pieces and then I’m going to eat them up. Yum!

Sandra in a sidebar, musing on the upcoming eviction possibilities: “Me without Courtney is like rice without beans.” (I have no idea.)

Courtney and Parvati get together, and Courtney tries to increase her value. Hey, if you keep me past the merge, Amanda trusts me and that’s a bonus, right?) Parvati DOES seem to be interested. So you’d stay with me after the merge? Courtney nods vigorously, but then the wind shifts a blade of grass and we can no longer see Courtney.

Parvati in a sidebar, where she’s actually showing some intelligence instead of just skin: Keeping Courtney might just be the right thing. I’m going to need somebody when I finally ditch Russell. But I gotta work this plan just right.

Cut to Russell and Parvati sharing the stunning JT development with Danielle and Jerri. (Danielle: “Oh shut UP!”) Everyone has a nice chuckle over it, then Parvati slyly starts trying to turn the vote away from Courtney and toward Sandra. And it seems to be working. But you never know on this show.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff brings in The Jury, which at this point is just Coach. He’s wearing some lame kimono thing. Seriously, when is someone going to sit down with this man and explain to him that he is NOT a Ginsu Warrior just because he bought the knife set 20 years ago? Geez.

Jeff’s first question is directed toward Sanda. How important is trust? Sandra, a little rattled, comes back with, “Great, Jeff. We all know that the person who gets the trust question is the one who’s in trouble.” Good point.

Danielle jumps in, saying that she doesn’t care for Sandra because Sandra runs around telling people things. (Jeff: Uh, Danielle, the question was about trust, not about who has a big mouth.) Then Danielle and Sandra get into a medium-level catfight, where Sandra competently holds her own, basically telling it like it is, and Danielle increasingly shoves her foot further in her mouth. Interesting.

Russell jumps in, because the camera has been on someone else for longer than 15 seconds and he can’t stand that. “Look at me, Parvati and Danielle. We’re still here and THAT’S what trust will do for you.” I think you’ve got that a little bit backwards, Russ. The three of you are still here because the people in the other alliance DIDN’T trust themselves. And that’s a little different.

Then Courtney and Jerri get into it, mainly because Jerri lies that she was never in an alliance until she joined with Russell. Courtney: Really? Go back and look at how you voted, Hair Club for Women. “You flipped just in time to save your butt. I didn’t”

And she’s right. Final results: one vote for Jerri (that would be Courtney), and everybody else, including Sandra, votes for Courtney. The Flagpole, on her way out: “Good luck, bitches.”

Jeff makes a final announcement. As of tomorrow, Parvati will also hit the 100-day mark in Survivor. The camera shows a grinning Parvati as she wiggles around in self-satisfaction.

But hey, Parv, what happened to keeping Courtney? The merge has got to be just seconds away. You might regret sending Courtney home.

Then again, the real wildcard if the merge happens soon?

Sandra.

#119 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 8

We start out with the Villains arriving back at camp after the ouster of Rob. As expected, Russell is being his usual blowhard self, while Parvati is throwing out lines like “I just love blindsiding people” and Danielle is doing a shimmy dance of celebration and backstabbing. Nothing new, really.

Cut to Coach in a sidebar: “Russell is a bully.” He’s playing to prove his power and not playing to win the game. Normally don’t care for Coach, but that was a pretty on-target. I’m sure I sound like a broken record, but Russell’s ego is his own worst enemy.

Then we have Coach and Jerri standing on a beach, with everything looking all stark and dreary like we’re trapped in an Ingmar Bergman film where everybody is sad and people die. Jerri is quibbling about whether or not it was a smart move to send Rob home, and Coach surprises me again by directly confronting her: “Why were you so quick to get rid of him?” Jerri gets a little snippy about it, but really doesn’t answer the question. Why DID you do that, Jerri? You think Russell has any intention of paying it forward with you? But Jerri just stands there in a dramatic pose while the wind whips her mass of hair around, causing a planetary imbalance.

Another sidebar with Coach, talking about the Villains chances as a tribe: “We’re toast. Pray for the merge.”

Roll opening credits. (Followed by a batch of commercials, including one for the TV show “Medium”. Seriously? That show is still on? And is Patricia Arquette ever going to find a haircut that is actually flattering?)

Now we’re at the Heroes camp, where everyone is fiddling around with the shelter in some unexplained effort to improve it. Except for JT. He goes wandering off to find the hidden Immunity Idol. (Wait, isn’t HE the one that said they should all find it together and use it together? Interesting.) Amanda, who does have moments of inspiration from time to time before she lapses back into catatonia, decides to follow him.

We see JT find the Idol, followed two seconds later by Amanda confronting him about what he’s doing. He fesses up, and shows her the hallowed green thing. Then Candice comes running down the same path, and he has to show her. Within a few more seconds, the whole tribe knows. JT, doing some spin control: “I’ll give it to the first one of us that needs it. After the merge.” Good save, JT. But really, don’t you think there’s going to be some fallout from you breaking your own directive?

Turns out, yes there is. Candice wanders over to Amanda, who is busy adjusting her cleavage for the cameras: “Good thing you walked up on him.” Then Candice in a sidebar, where she proclaims JT the “slimiest thing” around. She goes on for a while about JT being Satan with a broken tooth. Come on, Candice. You’re the one that kept changing tribes every other episode in your original season.

But Candice isn’t done with the JT thing. She tracks down Amanda again, digging for dirt. “JT’s in an alliance with everyone. Is he in an alliance with you?” Amanda gets an expression on her face like she would rather stab herself in the eye with Rupert’s broken toe before admitting that she IS in cahoots, sort of, with JT. Then she comes back with: “Is he in an alliance with YOU?” They glare at each other for a while.

Cut over to the Villains camp, where Russell and Danielle are eating what appear to be barbequed rocks. Not sure what that was. Then we have more scenes with people talking about how hungry they are, and other scenes with weakened people lying on the beach, their energy depleted, especially Jerri, who apparently can’t lift her head because her hair is too heavy.

Luckily, tree mail arrives so we don’t have to see anymore of that mess. There’s a challenge coming up, but the description is kind of vague. Some of the Villains decide that it’s going to be an “individual” challenge, and therefore the tribes are about to merge. That’s not how I took it. Then again, I’m sitting in the comfort of my home, while these people are eating rocks and believing anything Russell says. In any case, the Villains decide to pack up everything in camp in case they aren’t coming back.

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Both tribes traipse into the playing area and have to pass a rustic little hut where steaming pizzas and sodas and such are on display. When the Heroes realize that the Villains have sent home Rob, all of their jaws drop. Jeff jumps on this, asking them what they think.

Rupert jumps right in and further confirms that he has lost his credibility and respect this season, spouting off about Rob’s departure confirming that this is the result of an “all-girl alliance” on the Villains tribe. How the hell did you get THAT, Rupe? If you’re really paying attention, you would realize that Russell is currently running the show over at the other camp. Oh wait. In order to realize this, you would have to get off your Yoda log and do some actual work. My bad.

Then Jeff stokes the fire by babbling about how long they’ve been out there on the island, and the tribes are whittling down. The Villains are cheering and waving their campfire accessories. The Heroes are gulping and not really relishing a merge at this point. (If they only knew about the dissension in the Villains camp, they would actually welcome a merge, since they would instantly gain some disgruntled flippers.) Jeff finally comes out with: “Everybody drop your…. expectations.” No merge. The Villains now look silly, and the Heroes look relieved.

On to the actual challenge, which is basically “Survivor Bowling”, with the first tribe to win three rounds gaining access to the pizza. The Heroes get off to a great start, solidly winning the first two rounds. Then they hit a speed bump in the third round, where Colby does a dumbass move and thinks he’s playing volleyball, spiking the ball instead of rolling it. Russell takes that round for the Villains. (Grrr.) Then Amanda seals it for the Heroes by taking the third round. The Villains now have to drag all that crap back home, with nothing to show for it.

Cut to the pizza feast a bit later, with the Heroes shoving crusty goodness into their mouths. While they chew, JT announces that he’s also a believer in the “all-girl” alliance in the other tribe. He thinks this means that Russell and Coach are now sitting ducks. Woo hoo!

Poor disillusioned people. Hope you really enjoy that pizza before you have to come back to reality.

Cut over to the Villains camp, where Jerri is just really mad. Period. She thinks the people who were convinced that this was a merge made the tribe look like idiots. (Okay, fair point. But girl, be careful. Any single thing you do when the numbers start to dwindle can shine a spotlight on you. Then again, you sent Rob home over Russell. You‘re not my favorite person right now.)

Jerri’s also not pleased that Courtney and Sandra sat out the Reward Challenge, because it means they HAVE to play in the Immunity Challenge, and that’s not a good thing. (Another fair point, but this announcement instantly pisses off Courtney, Sandra and Coach, who actually made the decision. Whoopsie.) Then Jerri heads down Suicide Avenue, singling out Sandra and slamming her unfairly, putting words in Sandra’s mouth that she simply did not say.

Sandra in a sidebar: “This is the worst tribe, EVER.”

Sandra and Courtney then get together on yet another random stretch of beach. Interestingly enough (to me, anyway), their anger is not directed toward Jerri, but toward Coach, who decided to have them sit out the Reward Challenge. Sandra is going to go put a fictitious bug in Russell’s ear that Coach is gunning to get Russell out of the game. Oh boy.

Quick scene with Courtney and Coach on the beach, with Courtney babbling away. “Everyone is just blindly going along with what Russell wants.” (Very true.) Then Courtney grabs this giant driftwood branch and uses it to make her way down the beach. The branch is thicker than she is. I don’t know how she was able to lift it, let alone use it as a support device.

Scene with Russell and Sandra, where Russell is going on about having spied Courtney talking to Coach, and therefore they must be working together. This man is so paranoid about everything . How does he sleep? Sandra doesn’t care about his mental hang-ups, at all. Once she can get a word in, she launches with her lie about Coach gunning for Russell. Which is somewhat plausible, until Sandra stupidly says that Coach is feeling bad about voting to send Rob home. Coach DIDN’T vote for Rob to leave, he voted for Courtney. Russell has got to know this.

But the damage has been done. Russell throws logic out the window. Any time he perceives a possible threat to his egomaniacal kingdom, he’s going to lash out. Sandra understands this, so you have to give her credit, despite her misguided intentions.

Sandra in a sidebar: “Russell doesn’t know what he’s in for.” True to an extent, because you just twisted him. But what is your follow-through going to be? Don’t just throw a brick and run. You need to be ready with another brick. And of course, new lies that synch up with your old lies. It’s hard work.

Another quick scene with Russell and Parvati. He’s in full “trash Coach” mode, repeating Sandra’s lies as if they were gospel. Parvati doesn’t care about the “why”, she’s psyched about the drama. If they send Coach home, the Heroes tribe is going to bite even further into the illusion that there’s this “all-girl” alliance going on with the Villains. And after the merge, the Heroes will race to align with Russell, thinking he’s on the outs. And Russell can get the scoop on what the Heroes are up to. High-five!

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

The Survivors have to basically run through a mud-filled obstacle course, grab a flag at the end of the course, then race back. The first tribe to get two flags wins. (Only two? For an Immunity Challenge? Is Jeff tired?) There are going to be pairs of runners belted together, as well as individual Survivors, depending on the round.

First up, we have Amanda and Candice going against Russell and Sandra. Everyone starts out with exuberance, but the Villains quickly fall apart. Correction: Sandra falls apart. Once she’s coated in mud (which takes about two seconds), she can barely move. Eventually Russell is just dragging Sandra along as she weakly chokes on mouthfuls of mud. The Heroes easily take the round.

Next we have Rupert versus Coach, and this one is actually very close until the sprint at the end, where Rupert just can’t run on that bum foot. The Villains take the flag and we’re tied. Finally, it’s JT and Colby against Parvati and Courtney. The guys pull it off and the Heroes win Immunity. Then the camera pans to Courtney lying in the mud pit. (You only know she’s there because you can see her eyes. Otherwise you would think it’s just a tree root.) It seems she’s sprained her ankle. Jeff signals for Medical.

Cut to the Villains camp afterward, with folks splashing in the ocean and trying to chisel off the caked mud. Then we have a sidebar with Coach, where he goes off on one of his Dragon Slayer rants, because he hasn’t yet done so this episode, and we gotta get THAT in. He’s mad about the “forced-five” alliance that he’s now in because Jerri flipped to Russell’s side. (Dude, you don’t have to do anything just because of Big Hair. In fact, you didn’t even vote the same way she did with the Rob thing. Why is everybody forgetting how Coach voted the last time? Even, apparently, Coach.)

Coach then wanders up to Russell, and tries to get the scoop about what’s going on. Russell, for once, really doesn’t have anything to say and just stands there staring out at the sea, probably looking for a cruise ship to float by with a “We heart Russell!” banner on the side. Russell explains his silence in a sidebar: “Coach is going home.”

Well, maybe not.

A very irritated Danielle comes running up to Russell. What are you thinking? “We need to KEEP Coach!” We’ve got to win some challenges, and we aren’t going to do that with Sandra and Courtney barely able to feed themselves. They really get into it, yelling and screaming, until Russell does what he always does when confronted with sound logic that he can’t get around. He calls Danielle a stupid girl and then stomps off. Nice.

Sidebar with Danielle, where she’s furious with Russell over the Coach vote.

Sidebar with Sandra and Courtney, where they really want Coach to go. (Of course they do, because it means they get to be useless for another week.)

Then, out of the blue, Russell comes running up to Parvati and still-steaming Danielle. He’s changed his mind. Danielle’s right. Let’s send Courtney home. (Where did THAT come from? What is he up to?)

Sidebar with Parvati, where she is just flummoxed by this crazy tribe. They cannot seem to work together. (To be fair, Parv, you’re only working with Danielle and Russell as you throw everybody else under the bus. Not exactly the best way to keep the tribe loyal, right?)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff gets right to the point: You’ve sent home Tyson, you’ve sent home Rob, and you’ve lost the last four challenges in a row. Bad decisions? Suddenly everybody’s yelling, either in denial or just because it’s fun. At one point, Jeff suddenly gets worked up about Courtney for some reason, and starts slamming her, calling her useless and saying that she sent Rob home. She didn’t VOTE for Rob. When Courtney tries to point this out, Jeff repeats it. Then he purposely stirs up Coach to go after Courtney. What is Jeff’s deal? Was the bill from Medical too high?

Finally Courtney has had enough, and she unleashes with exactly what she thinks about everything. And she’s 90% spot-on with what she says. (Which irritates half the tribe, since nobody wants the truth to come out at Tribal, because then you don’t get a blind-side and the ratings drop.) Courtney ends with “I’m a determined little bit**!” Sandra really enjoys that line. “You deserve a bump, girl.” And they do.

Time to vote.

Coach, Russell and Jerri vote for Courtney. Sandra, Courtney, Danielle and Parvati vote for Coach. What just happened? Not only did Danielle and Parvati split from Russell, they voted for someone that Danielle wanted to keep. Are they just mad at Russell and did it out of spite?

Or is there really an all-girl alliance after all? Hmm. Surely not. But we clearly were not shown some pivotal scenes that must have taken place at some point. And Russell may have just lost control.

In any case, the Yoga Slayer has exited the building…

#116 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 7

We start out at the Villains camp, with Rob in a sidebar. He fesses that the Tribal they just went through was the first actual shock he had in three seasons on the show. “Something doesn’t feel right.” You’re right, Rob. Something doesn’t. And his name is Russell.

Cut to Courtney sitting on a tree somewhere, with the cameraman jostling to keep her in view, because there’s a blade of grass blowing in the wind behind her and there might be confusion. She’s yammering about her hatred for the “bandy-legged little troll,” then really goes off when she gets to Russell’s crush on Parvati and what a skank Parvati is. “She will flirt with anything that walks.” Then the cameraman asks Courtney to turn sideways and stick her tongue out, because he’s lost her on his viewfinder.

Russell races to find Parvati and Danielle posing seductively near a tree, and he tells them that the focus should now be on getting Jerri to flip. Both of the vapid spokes models nod in agreement, then they all cackle with delight as they review their dastardly deeds so far. Over in the tent on the other side of camp but still in hearing range, the rest of the tribe rolls their eyes and mumble about their hatred towards those three.

Cut back to Rob in another sidebar. He’s starting to get a little nervous. Can he really trust everybody in his alliance? “Is the joke on me?”

Roll opening credits.

We’re still at the Villains camp, where Jerri has just wandered up to Russell, Danielle and Parvati. Instantly, the girls start with the mind games while Russell just grins and congratulates himself as it appears that Jerri is warming to their side. Still, Jerri fesses that she’s not so sure it would be in her best interest to join their team. (Honey, it would be in your best interest to not even be talking to these people. They will chew you up and spit you out.)

So Parvati ratchets up the stakes. She guarantees Jerri a spot in the final four. Jerri hesitates. Really? How can you guarantee THAT? (And right THERE, Jerri, you should have realized that these people are saying whatever they can to get your vote. And you should turn and run.) But Jerri doesn’t. And I get that sinking feeling that stupidity is knocking on the door.

Zip over to the Heroes camp, where everybody’s whining because it was a cold night. (Of course it’s going to be cold when you’re only wearing a thong and some sneakers.) Then we have Rupert in a sidebar, who has apparently just come to a startling epiphany: “We cannot let the Villains keep winning!” Ya think? You mean it’s not okay to suck at challenges? Wow. Thanks for the insight, Rupert. Never would have realized that on my own. He is SO on my nerves.

Quick aside with Colby. He knows that his butt is on the line. “I’ve got to put up or shut up.” Yes, you do. And here’s another thought: Maybe you should try talking to the rest of your tribe and attempting to be friends with them. This business about pouting and floating around in the ocean while everybody else is strategizing is perhaps not a good move.

In the midst of all this Heroes mess, there’s a brief shot of someone’s foot near the campfire. The toes on said foot are perfectly manicured and coated with a high-gloss sheen of the whore-red variety. Who’s foot is THAT? I don’t care how much you paid for your designer nail polish, those toes should be chipped and nasty by now. What gives?

Time for the Reward Challenge, with the winning team getting a lunch feast alongside some pristine waterfall on a river that mankind has somehow not polluted yet. This competition is basically basketball in the water, with the first team to sink three balls gaining the right to yell victoriously and high-five each other.

Right out of the gate, Colby is on fire. He’s all over the place, knocking people down and fighting for the ball and scoring the first basket. As a bonus move, he also manages to shove Jerri underwater, which thrills me for personal reasons. Then Candice triumphs with the second basket. After more grunting and thrusting, JT hands the ball off to Colby who dings the final winning point. The Heroes have finally won a competition after a very long drought.

Cut to the Heroes at the waterfall feast, where they all love each other as they gorge on juices, fruit, and meat dripping with grease. Everybody’s singing songs and swearing eternal dedication to one another. Then Candice moves a slice of papaya and finds a rolled-up message. Apparently there’s another Immunity Idol hidden back at their camp.

The party screeches to a halt. Now they’ve got to be all serious again. (Rupert in a sidebar: “That brought the game back home.” Dude, did the game ever leave? Or was that just you?)

JT tries to calm the waters about the Idol. “We’ll find it together, and we’ll use it together.” This is for us to beat them. Very nice and patriotic. But surely you’re not serious.

Cut back to the Villains camp, where the camera focuses on somebody’s red shirt hanging from a large piece of driftwood. I have no idea what that’s all about. Then we see Russell and Jerri having a conversation on the beach. This can’t be good.

Russell tells her that he wants it to be him, Jerri and Coach as the final three. (Not buying it for a second.) Jerri, because she’s focused on winning and not on the possibility of losing (critical distinction) gets Coach’s attention and waves him over. You gotta hear this.

Russell repeats his final-three offer to Coach, otherwise known as the person who was never in a “Karate Kid” movie even though he thinks he was. Russell: “I don’t want Parvati in the end, I can’t beat her for the million.”

Once again, right THERE, Jerri and Coach, you should realize that Russell is blowing smoke. He is NOT going to ditch his strongest supporter in favor of you two. To his credit, Coach admits in a sidebar that he isn’t buying it for a second. But he thinks that Jerri has been swayed. And she apparently has, promising Russell to vote the way he wants.)

Then Russell wanders off to go stir up trouble somewhere else, leaving Coach and Jerri to deal with each other. Coach: “I’m kinda hurt that you decided to go with Russell before talking to me. How can you trust him as much as me?” (Very good point, even though it pains me to admit such. Not a fan of Coach. But he‘s right.) Jerri: “No, it’s not that way.” Then what IS it, Jerri? Why would you ditch Coach and his thoughts on the matter?

Conveniently, Jerri then has a sidebar to explain her actions. She basically slams Coach, saying he’s too naïve and too nice. Really? Naïve? What the hell do you think YOU are, slinking up to Russell, who would sell his own children if it meant he could survive another Tribal council? (Oh my God, that’s a scary thought. Are there really little Russells running around out there? I won’t be able to sleep tonight.)

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one’s basically a relay race, where most of each tribe runs across an obstacle course to retrieve bags of puzzle pieces. Once all of these bags are dragged back to the finish line, two members on each tribe scramble to solve the puzzle. Initially, I’m a little concerned. The Heroes have shown that they’re not the best when it comes to puzzles.

Anyway, off we go, and it’s a fairly tight race. One entertaining aspect is that they have some cameraman stationed under this giant net thing that the Survivors have to run across during part of the challenge. This person manages to capture everybody in the relay part tripping and busting their ass. For once, I don’t care who it is. Watching people fall down is always amusing. Even Jeff chuckles in a non-partisan way.

In the end, the Heroes manage to pull ahead with the retrieval of the puzzle pieces, and then JT and Amanda (yes, Amanda, she of the questionable mental abilities) manage to get their puzzle done first. The Heroes win. Somebody from the Villains tribe is going home. Finally.

Cut to the Villains camp. First we have Russell in a sidebar, where he blames the loss on everybody but himself (naturally). Then we see Russell running to Rob for a round of negotiations. Rob is standing on the beach, while Courtney and Sandra are right there, fiddling with each others’ hair and such. (No, I don’t know what that was all about, nor do I want to know.) When Rob asks the troll who should go home, Russell amazes me by pointing at Sandra and Courtney and saying “one of them.”

Rob in a sidebar: “I’m amazed. I’ve never heard of that,” talking shop right in front of your targets. For their part, Courtney and Sandra just roll their eyes. And that’s the problem. People don’t take Russell seriously until it’s too late.

Rob wanders over to Coach for his input, and Coach thinks Parvati or Courtney should go. Especially Courtney. Why is Rob keeping somebody around who is so useless in competitions? Rob: “Because I’m loyal. YOU value that, right?” Smart move on Rob’s part, since Coach likes to use that word in every other sentence. Coach promises that he will vote for Russell.

Scene with Russell, Jerri, Coach and Danielle. Russell slyly and subtly turns the discussion around to sending Rob home instead of Courtney or Sandra, making it sound like he just now thought of it when it was really his intention the whole time. Once he does this, Danielle goes to town, practically in a frenzy as she demands that Rob go home. Coach promises that he will vote for Rob.

Sidebar with Coach, where he’s all troubled about keeping his word. It’s a bit late for that, since by this point you’ve promised everybody on the island, including Jeff, that you will vote the way they want. Then Coach actually tries to squeeze out a tear of self-pity or something, but what he really needs is some Gax-X.

Jerri goes to Rob, and tells him that she doesn’t know if Russell’s alliance is coming after him. (Lie.) She also tells Rob that she can’t give him her trust. (Mainly because she doesn’t have any to give, being so bitter and all.) Rob tries using the “do what you think is right” angle, hoping this will turn her in his favor. But the glitch is that Jerri doesn’t know what’s right, and needs a little bit stronger direction than that. Then she and her hair wander away.

Scene with Jerri and Coach, as they go back and forth on what to do. They really do seem to be looking at the decision from all angles, so THAT part’s a bit heartening, to see folks considering the betterment of the whole tribe and not just reacting to petty squabbles between the alliances. We end with Jerri proclaiming “I’m not a good Villain!” Really?

Time for Tribal.

We start out with the usual pointless questions from Jeff as he digs around and tries to get something started, then he hits pay dirt when Coach gives props to Tyson for keeping the two alliances in harmony when they needed to be strong (meaning Russell did a bad thing by sending him home.) Russell and Danielle go ballistic over this, and suddenly everybody is yelling at everybody else. (Except for Courtney, who seems to be weakly looking around for an oxygen tank.)

Jeff fans the flames by pointing out that the tribe is in total disarray when they should be working together at this point. This kicks off another round of bickering.

Russell: “Rob’s the one always saying either you’re with me or you’re against me.”

Rob: “You ARE against me. It’s no secret, Russell.” Quit playing games.

Russell: “If you’re gunnin for me, you’re not going to get what you want. You have to go.” Same crap he usually spouts during sidebars, but now he’s brought it to center stage, which really isn’t a good idea. Like I keep saying, Russell’s temper is going to cost him at some point.

But apparently not this time, as we finally get to the vote. Four votes for Rob, three votes for Russell, and one throw-away for anemic Courtney. As that final Rob vote is announced, the camera shows Jerri wincing at the blow she’s just delivered.

Apparently she does know how to be a Villain after all…