#109 - “Dallas” - Season 11, Episode 29

So we start out at Ray’s house, where’s he’s apparently been struggling with the knife-wielding Connie since the end of the last episode. In a moment of really impressive choreography, they sweat and huff their way out of the bedroom, across the landing, and then tumble down the stairs. It’s very exciting.

As they clatter to the base of the stairs, Ray finally manages to wrestle the giant knife away from Crazy and knock her out. While she takes a nice nap, Ray gets on the horn with the sheriff’s department. While his heaving torso glistens, he asks if they wouldn’t mind sending a car out, if they’re not busy.

Cut to JR’s office, where he’s trying to dictate a letter or something, but he’s having a bit of trouble since Sly, and her shocking amounts of jacked-up hair, is a little peeved about how JR fired Casey. “Did you have to hurt him like that?” JR basically tells her to shut up and keep writing. And she does. (Why does Sly still support nasty JR after all these years. WHY?)

Suddenly, Cliff barges in, babbling about how he sold his gas field and he sold all his Westar stock and blah blah blah. Initially JR couldn’t care less, threatening Cliff with violence and such. Then Cliff mentions that he sold his Westar stock to Jeremy Wendell. Dramatic music kicks in as JR finally pays attention and gets that look of utter hatred on his face.

Jenna shows up at Ray’s house (I guess she got bored in Europe) and wanders around yelling for Ray. Sensing something might be amiss, she hands off little Lucas to some nanny that we’ve never seen before. Then Jenna spies blood all over the staircase. (Um, isn’t this a crime scene? Shouldn’t there be some yellow tape and detectives scribbling into little notebooks?)

So Jenna freaks out and calls Bobby. (Instead of, you know, the police.) Bobby tries to calm her down and then he runs into a nearby phonebooth to put on his Superman uniform.

Quick scene with Sue Ellen and Nick, where she’s chattering away about the court order that is almost ready so she can stomp out to South Fork and rescue John Ross from his satanic daddy. Nick, and his hair, grunts in support and understanding.

Zip over to Ray lying in a hospital bed, and here comes frazzled Jenna and Super-Bobby. Jenna only has half the story, running her mouth about “some crazy woman” that attacked Ray out of the blue, but she’s SO glad that Ray is going to be alright. Ray just stares at her for a bit, because he knows the OTHER half of the story has to be told, but he’s really not in the mood. So he tries to delay the spilling of the beans.

Ray: “Why don’t you just go home now, you must be exhausted after the long plane flight.” (This from a man who was knifed, fell down a flight of stairs, and had to dial a phone during all the madness. I don’t think these two scenarios really compare.)

Jenna: “But I just want to BE with you!” (Um, you’ve been in Europe this entire season, which doesn’t really give a good light to your sudden devotion to Ray. Did you eat some bad escargots that made you change your mind?)

Jenna finally concedes, giving Ray a passionate, annoying kiss before wondering off to check with her stylist about the next scene. Bobby stays behind. He knows something is up, and presses Ray about it, but Ray keeps mum and pulls the sheet down so we can see his bare chest again.

Sue Ellen arrives at South Fork, accompanied by two police offices and her John-Ross-rescuing court order. JR is sitting on the patio, looking smug, so we know this is not going to go well. JR refuses to cooperate, so Sue Ellen, in high-drama mode, spits out “Place Mr. Ewing under arrest!” (These are thrilling and exciting words, even though we are aware that this is a lost cause.)

JR takes the court order, rips it up, then whips out one of his own. Some judge in his pocket has forced a 30-day delay due to some annoying legalese. He then says some rude and vindictive things, natch, and poor Sue Ellen leaves empty-handed.

Miss Ellie has witnessed this horrid scene, and she confronts JR. He tells her to butt out. Ellie persists, wanting to know where JR has stashed away John Ross, and stating that JR is doing wrong by Sue Ellen because “She is a GOOD mother!” At this last phrase, you can almost hear the blood vessels popping in JR’s brain. He lashes out at Miss Ellie with more cruel words, then storms off.

Cut to Nick’s house, where Sue Ellen barges in, infuriated about the JR situation. Nick and his hair offer to find John Ross, but cautions that they can’t actually kidnap him because that might look a wee bit bad when the custody case comes around. Sue Ellen pouts.

Then we’re in Washington, where Bobby and Sam Culver are about to meet the Senators who have arranged for Bobby to get back the Ewing name. Instead of a wild celebration, the Senators are actually rude and hateful, begrudgingly allowing Bobby to have the name for only one year, at which point there will be a Justice Department review to see if he can keep the name.

This arrangement is bogus, compared to reality and actual law, so I’m assuming that the writers are just putting the pieces in place for an extended battle where JR does everything he can to make Bobby lose the Ewing name so JR can get it for himself. Sounds rather boring, but I guess I’ll see what happens.

JR’s office again, where this time April waltzes in, fully intending to gloat over having made a bundle by selling her Westar stock to Jeremy Wendell. Too bad that poor little JR doesn’t get to be chairman of Westar after all his unethical attempts to be just that. JR basically tells April and her hair that nobody should ever underestimate him. Who cares, JR, you aren’t winning RIGHT NOW and that’s all that matters.

Cut to Bobby and can’t-stand-her Kay in Washington. They are having dinner, which people seem to be doing all the time in Washington for some reason. It’s fundamentally a break-up scene, which is fine by me, but then Kay has to up the irritation factor by uttering this line about not being with Bobby anymore: “Even the pain is better than being with ANYONE else.”

That has got to be the most inane piece of dialogue ever written.

Now we’re at South Fork, and it’s breakfast time. Everyone’s all gathered around, (well, at least the people who are legally allowed to be on the premises), and Clay makes the announcement that he and Miss Ellie are now co-owners of South Fork. JR, right on cue, blows his top and starts ranting, not even stopping when Miss Ellie wails at him “Don’t you care AT ALL about my happiness?” No, he doesn’t, Miss Ellie. Have you not read any of these scripts?

Of course, there’s the obligatory chest-thumping confrontation between JR and Clay. When it becomes clear that JR has no valid reason for having an issue with this and he’s apparently not going to get his way, JR throws out his trump card: “I’m leaving South Fork. This is no longer my home.”

Good. Teresa and I will help you pack.

Jump over to Ray’s house, where his body is once again barely covered by a sheet as he rolls around in his bed. Jenna waltzes in the door with breakfast that she clearly doesn’t have the skills to have actually cooked, and starts babbling away about their life together. Just to make her shut up, Ray confesses about his affair with Connie. Jenna gulps and then wanders out of the room without closing the door, which is really rude.

Back over to South Fork, where JR is packing a suitcase in his room. (Dude, you have staff on the payroll that can do this for you, why are you bothering with it?) Bobby comes in and tries to counsel JR on the error of his ways. Instead of a big blow-up, which I’d like to see because I don’t want these two to ever get along, they actually bond a bit. JR is still intent on leaving, but they end the conversation in a civil manner with both of them teary-eyed over Jock. (Who has been gone for HOW many seasons now?)

Speaking of past cast members, I’m totally stunned when we cut to whatever that room is at South Fork where they have the curving staircase that keeps getting remodeled every season for no apparent reason. (Well, except for the one year with the fire. At least then I understood the renovation.) Out of the weird hallway on the left comes none other than Lucy Ewing.

Lucy! That we haven’t seen in at least seven seasons. Who knows what plans the writers have for her, but I’m thrilled. Loved her. (And I also don’t know where Charlene Tilton has been since she left the show, but it was apparently a really good place. She looks amazing.)

Lucy wanders around for a bit, calling out to see if anybody’s home. Then little Christopher comes running down the famous stairs. He’s not really impressed with Lucy’s arrival on the scene, she was gone before he had actual dialogue on this show, but at least he’s full of information. “Uncle JR moved out!” Lucy breaks into a glowing smile. “What a great day to come back home!”

I hear ya sister.

Cut to Cliff’s office, where he and April are apparently waiting for someone to show up to a business meeting. Turns out that someone is Casey Denault, whose dramatic firing by JR caused Sly to use even more hairspray than ever on her coiffure. April just glares at Casey. They are still not friends by any means, but she’s going along for the ride because Cliff wants to do this: The two of them are going to fund Casey’s dream of finally drilling for oil on his “daddy’s land,” that patch of dirt we’ve been hearing about from Casey for who knows how long.

Casey is stunned, then euphoric. He promises that great things will happen. Cliff is very excited as well, this is yet another way to get back at JR. April is still bitter, and knocks Casey down a notch. “Just send the royalty checks.”

Back to South Fork, where Lucy and Miss Ellie are chatting. Lucy is perusing a cache of framed photos and reflecting on the fates of various family members. “How sad. One by one, they all leave South Fork.” (And all because of one person. Well, except for the ones that were lucky enough to die or be killed.)

Miss Ellie ignores this slight dig, and instead questions Lucy on why she decided to come home way after her contract had expired. Lucy fesses up that husband Mitch has been ignoring her and she’s wasting away in their mansion. “I just need some time to think..”

Zip over to John Ross’ school, the Preparatory Academy for Children Being Used as Pawns in Divorce Settlements. JR shows, and then begins filling John Ross’ head with twisted lies about why they can’t live at South Fork anymore and that his mommy is a drunken slut. John Ross beams in acceptance, the stupid child. JR’s evil work is never done.

We end the episode in Jeremy Wendell’s office. JR walks in (where is Security when you need them?), full of his usual cockiness. Jeremy is initially bored with the show, and they spar a little bit. Then JR plays his ace concerning the natural gas resource that Jeremy bought from Cliff. “Your line has to cross MY property.” (That little bit of land where Sly dressed up like a hooker and straddled a porch railing so some old geezer would get horny and sign over the rights.)

Jeremy: “What do you want?”

JR: “Meet me tomorrow in my office. It’s not money I want.”

Hmm. The next episode is the last for this season. There’s no telling what kind of cliff hanger this is going to be. Oh wait, did I just make a pun? My bad.

#104 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 28

We start with JR squealing to a halt in the South Fork driveway, then stomping into the house. He is none too happy about Sue Ellen and Kimberly Cryder humiliating him at the Westar board meeting and kicking him to the curb.

He confronts Sue Ellen in her bedroom, where she’s already packing things and planning an exit. They have a heated discussion, of course, but Sue Ellen has the best lines, getting to say things like “You have cheated on me for the last time” and “I sure didn’t stay here because of love for you” and, when JR hints that he’s keeping John Ross, “Remember who ended up with him the last time?”

Very fine moment for Sue Ellen. Continued humiliation for JR. Very satisfying to watch.

April flounces into Cliff’s office, where he is clueless and celebrating what he assumes is JR’s takeover of Westar. She busts that bubble real quick: “JR was defeated. Jeremy Wendell is back.” Then there’s a “Valley of the Dolls” catfight between the two concerning pills and puppets. April is actually trying to be supportive and human, but Cliff is being his normal dumb-ass self and not listening. Her parting words: “Sell the gas field. You’ll be rid of JR.”

Cut to Ray scrubbing the graffiti off his front door that Psycho Connie left behind. (Just paint the damn door, Ray, you have the money to do that. Hell, you have people that can do that FOR you.) Then the phone rings, and it’s Jenna calling from Paris (Guess I missed the part where she and angry Charlie moved to Paris, I thought they were in Switzerland or some such.)

But really, the more important part is that I thought Priscilla Presley was out of the picture for good. We hadn’t seen her and her ugly hair in quite a few episodes. But there she is, in a scene where she’s supposedly on the other end of the phone line in Gay Paree, looking even more frumpy and horrid. (Does she NOT have a personal stylist? Why are all these rich people not spending their money wisely?)

Jenna is all excited, because she and the baby are coming home to Ray, while disgruntled Charlie remains behind in Paris where she supposedly loves her new school and her new friends, even though they’ve only been in the city for about two hours. Ray has to cut the conversation short because he’s just discovered that a photo of Jenna is missing from his desk.

Zip over to South Fork, where Bobby and son Christopher are chatting at the base of the curving stairwell that is usually reserved for hateful glances between JR and Sue Ellen. Chris is worried that his daddy won’t show up for the father/son banquet at his school. Bobby assures him that he will be there, which is our clue that something will come up to possibly compromise this agreement.

JR stomps in, telling both of them that Sue Ellen is gone from the house forever. Bobby sends his ugly son upstairs, so he can remain confused for the rest of his life. Then Bobby and JR get into it, arguing about everything, resulting in Bobby finally saying to JR: “You’re always trying to blame other people when things are YOUR fault.” JR comes back with: “I’m the only real Ewing my daddy ever had.”

Let’s just say that the brotherly bond is a little thin at this point.

Cut to JR dragging John Ross into his office building so he can brainwash the tyke with lies, telling him that “Your Momma has left us both for another man” and that he will not allow Christopher to join Sue Ellen as she “lives in sin with another man” and “whatever I do, I do for you.” Total crap.

But Christopher just beams at JR with total love and devotion. Okay fine, you stupid little boy, if you want to believe all that crap, then go ahead and take the next step down the road to eventual drug addiction and non-stop therapy.

Then we’re at Bobby’s office, where he gets a call from Dave Culver. “You’re about to get the company name back. Get up here now!” Elated Bobby initially asks Phyllis to make flight arrangements for immediate departure, but she gives him a withering glance. Hello? The father/son banquet tonight? Bobby caves and tells Dave that it will have to wait until tomorrow. Phyllis beams at this paternal display of doing the right thing.

Say, why doesn’t Bobby just marry Phyllis, instead of lusting after these boring people that we don’t care about, like Kay in Washington? After all, Phyllis is very efficient and organized, and she’s been on the show longer than most of these bigger-name stars they drag in just to boost the ratings. She’s got to be more emotionally stable than Pam, who was always having those psychotic breaks and dream sequences.

Sue Ellen arrives at South Fork, and instantly tells Teresa to pack up everything. JR moseys along, unable to stop grinning, so we know something’s up. Sue: “I came for my son.” JR: “I’m not gonna stop you.” Then we have poor Sue Ellen wandering from room to room, trying to figure where John Ross might be, and then it dawns on her.

Sue: “Where have you hidden him!” And it goes downhill from there, with some very nasty things being said. It is not a pleasant scene at all. JR orders her off the property, and as Sue Ellen stomps out the back door, we see that JR has called in the Braddock Sheriff to ensure that she doesn’t try anything. Very nice.

Then we have Miss Ellie and Clayton wandering around in some field that we’ve never seen before. Turns out they are visiting the gravesite of one Garrison Southworth, Miss Ellie’s brother. (Really? The writers are still inventing relatives ELEVEN seasons into this show? Of course, these are the same writers who had Bobby step into a shower and Pam slept for a year.)

Ellie tells a very long and only slightly-interesting story about her brother never wanting the South Fork land even though it was really his. She babbles on that all Garrison wanted to do was sail the high seas in the Merchant Marine. (I didn’t realize people still did that in the twentieth century. Or why they would want to.) Clayton pushes her (thankfully) to get to the point: She wants both of them to own and run South Fork together.

Oh boy. That’s going to go over REAL well with a certain short bastard.

Ray goes over to Psycho Connie’s apartment, to find that she has made herself over to look just like Jenna, even the same frightening hairdo. She tells him she’s desperate and will do anything for his love. Ray: “Are you crazy?” (Dude, you even have to ask?) Ray tells her to stay out of his life and he storms off. Obviously, we’re going to be seeing more of Psycho Connie and her new outfits.

Quick scene with JR, Ellie and Clayton having a bitter fight about various things, most of it about who really has the say over what happens at South Fork. Miss Ellie has had enough and tromps away as Bobby wanders in, completely clueless. He tries to be nice to JR, but the short one just rips at him and then marches off as well. Poor Bobby, the women in his life are all crazy, boring or involved in life-changing car crashes, and he still has to come home to THIS.

Next day, JR calls Casey to his office, tells him things have changed, and then fires him. Casey begs JR to reconsider. JR is not interested, and heated words are exchanged, with JR saying lovely things like “The only difference between you and your daddy is that he KNEW he was a loser.” Casey tells JR that he doesn’t have any class. I don’t think that was ever up for debate.

Okay, the episode’s not even half over and JR has pissed off two-thirds of the cast. Smells like JR is about to get shot again by some mysterious person and we don’t learn the identity of the culprit until the end of next season. Are we about to see T-shirts in the stores that read “Who shot JR AGAIN?”

Sue meets with her lawyer, one that we’ve never seen before, so we don’t yet know if we like him or not. She’s in a twirl about the whole John Ross thing, and wants him back pronto. Lawyer man: “File a complaint with the Braddock sheriff.” Sue: “Are you kidding me?” JR owns the sheriff. Lawyer: “Just do it.” (Side note to the show’s stylists, Linda Gray looks really good in this scene, with the tasteful tailored outfit and the straight hair. Let’s see some more of that, mmmkay?)

Kimberly Cryder arrives at JR’s office, knocking skinny little Sly to one side. JR tries to order her away but she ignores this, instead whipping open her fur coat to reveal that she’s naked underneath. Kim: “You could have had all this. Now you’ve lost it all.” Then she covers the jewels and saunters out. Kimberly is suddenly my best friend, love her.

Bobby’s in his Washington hotel room, and boring Kay shows up. It’s kind of awkward, and they have a weird fight about priorities and dealing with a long-distance relationship, and it seems like they might be about to break up. (Yay!) Then Dave Culver spoils things by calling and saying the Ewing name deal is practically his, and Bobby and Kay end up in a passionate embrace. (Boo!)

Short scene with Ellie and Clay in bed, really excited about the prospect of running the ranch together. Then Ellie gets all sad thinking about the situation with JR and Sue Ellen. That woman gets sad about everything. I think medication is in order.

Cut to Sue Ellen and Nick also in bed, basking in the post-coital afterglow. “I’m a free woman! We can do this all the time and hold hands in public and everything!“ Then Sue Ellen gets all sad thinking about the situation with John Ross. Great. Another scene with sex followed by sadness.

Then we have another post-coital couple, this time Bobby and Kay. (People sure are having a lot of sex in this episode.) It’s a really mushy scene, and I’m still not convinced these two characters would even talk on the phone, let alone play squat tag. Bobby’s hinting that Kay should come live at South Fork. Thankfully, she acts as if that’s the last thing she would ever want to do in her life.

Now we have JR at some fancy private school, where apparently John Ross will be living while JR is hiding him from Sue Ellen. JR has told the president of the school that he’s only doing this because of the “threats of kidnapping” he’s received. The president is only going along with this because JR slips him a check that will cover the cost of a new gymnasium for the school. Back-scratching, Texas-style.

Later, Sue Ellen marches into JR’s office, with weak little Sly flying off to the side again. Some guy is with her, and this guy whips out a summons. JR has three days to fork over the ugly kid. JR tries to provoke a fight with Sue Ellen, but she ignores his wicked words and stays on the high road. “See you in court!” she yells down to JR on the lower road.

Casey shows up at the restaurant April owns (Why does she bother actually WORKING here? She’s worth a hundred million dollars. Hire somebody.), begging her to help him out with the oil land his daddy left him. (Tired of the daddy oil land, Casey, got boring a long time ago.) He promises fifty percent of the profits. She couldn’t care less. “I’m not even nibbling.” Stupidly, he goes off on her, which only makes her more determined to NOT help him. I think Casey’s a little soft in the head. Just an observation.

Cliff shows up for a meeting with Jeremy Wendell at a restaurant. Jeremy is his usual snotty self. Then again, Cliff is not the most likable person, either. So you basically don’t care who wins this scene, but anyway. Cliff wants Jeremy to buy his natural gas holdings. (“The biggest in the state!” as he constantly tells everyone.) Jeremy: “Why me?” Cliff: “You are the one person I know who will continue to wage war against JR.”

Same old Cliff. Did I mention that this is the eleventh season? And he’s still chewing on the same old bone. And he still has that astoundingly ugly apartment. Cliff, buddy, time to move on. And call a realtor.

We end with Ray sleeping in his bed. (So the bed scenes continue. No indication that this one is also post-coital, because it’s just Ray at the moment, but you never know. He DOES live on a farm. And a man does have his needs.) Psycho Connie lets herself in the front door-

Hold up. Ray, you moron, you know this woman is bonkers, she’s snuck in before, and yet you don’t even bother to lock the front door? What’s up with that? Seriously. Make the girl at least work for it by having to break a window, come down the chimney, or wriggle through the doggy door.

Anyway.

Connie lets herself in, all dolled up in one of her new Jenna outfits, sneaks up the stairs and into Ray’s room, wakes him up so that he can get a wide-eyed gander at the impending gymnastics trick, then she leaps through the air in the direction of his bed, waving a giant butcher knife while her ugly Jenna hair billows around her.

Freeze Frame.

Okay, overall we had a sum total of about 17 scenes that took place in, around or very near a bed in this episode. Moral of the story? Sexual relations can lead to sadness, madness and psychotic people dressed like Priscilla Presley and wanting to hurt you with cooking implements. Just say no.

#100 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 27

We start out at South Fork, with Kimberly storming into the house and confronting JR, while Sue Ellen stands nearby, ears perked. “My father is dead!”

JR: “You’re the one that killed him.”

Kim: “I must have been out of my mind to go to bed with you.” (Well, yes you were, but do you really need to bring that up right now? Seriously.)

JR: “Your daddy lost the game.”

Kim: “A man’s life is not a game. You’re going to find that out.” She stomps away.

Sue Ellen to JR: “So that’s why you wanted to dump me.”

JR: “If you’d divorced me, that man would be alive today.”

Good ole JR. Shift the blame to everybody else, especially those who had nothing to do with anything.

Cut to Cliff’s office, where Casey waltzes in with maps of the crappy Tulsa field. Cliff is clearly whacked out on something. “I don’t wanna talk right now.” April shows up in the middle of this, and Cliff wanders right past her and out the door. April to secretary Jackie: “What the hell?” Jackie: “Pills. And something to do with JR.”

Hmm. That description can fit a lot of people on this show.

Bobby’s office, where some guy from the Department of Justice wants to see him. “You are NOT going to get the Ewing name back. We intend to see that it doesn’t happen. You Ewings got away with MURDER!” Bobby needs to have a talk with Phyllis, and let her know that she shouldn’t let such hateful people through the door or she won’t get another raise.

Now we’re in some church, where Kimberly is kneeling at one of the pews, presumably mourning her father, but since she’s wearing this atrocious scarf thing on her head, you really can’t feel any sympathy. Sue Ellen comes strolling up the aisle. (Why are neither one of these women bursting into flames?)

Sue Ellen comforts Kim, and they talk about JR being a total bastard. Sue: “JR’s drive to get Westar is what killed your daddy. If we let JR win, your daddy died for nothing.” Kimberly and her scarf: “But if the will doesn’t go through quickly, I may not be able to help.” They both look sad and the music swells.

Cut to JR, Casey and Sly celebrating Dr. Styles’ death. (Such nice people.) April shows up, with her hair. JR: “I now control Westar with your votes.” April: “I want a seat on the board.” JR: “Give me your proxies, I’ll give you a seat.” (Casey announces that he wants a seat, too, but JR just slaps him down.) Then they toast the dead man.

Quick scene with Bobby talking to Dave Culver and trampy Kay. They are both cautioning Bobby about doing something stupid to get revenge with Senator O’Dell or the Justice Department. Bobby and his hair look frustrated and anguished.

Over to Ray’s house, where Connie the Crazy Slut calls, missing him terribly. Ray: “Miss me? You hardly even know me.” She whines, he dismisses her and hangs up.

Now we’re over at Nick’s place, with Sue Ellen arriving at the door, sporting an ugly hairdo. (Note to the hair and makeup people: I’ve said this before. Quit making Linda Gray wear a bun. It does nothing for her, and certainly does nothing for your careers. Stop it.) Sue Ellen is just all distraught over this Westar thing and how it looks like JR is going to win. “What can I do?”

Nick: You’ve done what you can, unless you can get April or Cliff to go along with you.

Sue: Why do things fall apart. I though I mattered to you. Why are you treating me so poorly?

Nick: I’ve got a long story to tell you. You and your bun have a seat.

Bobby with Kay in Washington. They are getting all mushy and frisky, more of that “not buying this for a second” business, when Kay gets a call. She’s got to go, some work thing about a pending vote. He gets a little cranky about that as she flees out the door. (Bobby, settle down. People do have real jobs, not like yours when you only have to go into your office every other season or so.)

Back to Nick and Sue Ellen, where he’s finishing up his tawdry mafia and kidnapping tale.

Sue: “All of this because April was CURIOUS?”

Nick: “I was worried about you. You coulda ended up with a pair of cement shoes.” (Seriously, who has used an expression like that in the last 60 years, you lame-ass script writers?)

Sue: “I want to start a new life with you. If anything ever happened to you…” Then they start sucking face and rolling around.

Cliff shows up at JR’s office, looking strung-out and terrible. Cliff: “When are you making your Westar move, I don’t want that stock anymore.”

JR: “When I get voted chairman, you can finally use your land.”

Cliff: “I don’t believe you.” (Um, Cliff, JR is over THERE. Quit talking to the coffee pot.)

JR: “Would you like it in writing? Sly, come in here with your little tablet thing.” Then he looks back at Cliff: “Doing business with me is going to be the nicest experience you’ve ever had.”

Oh please.

Laurel meets with Clayton at some restaurant.

Laurel: “I didn’t expect to see you again. I’m leaving for London tomorrow.”

Clay: “Let’s say goodbye properly.”

Laurel: “I’m glad it’s over.” But she has an expression like she just tasted something nasty.

Clay: “Thanks to JR.”

Laurel makes some disparaging remarks about JR.

Clay: “You know JR?”

Laurel: “Um…”

Clayton realizes something is up, and he keeps digging until Laurel spills: “He told me he would bury the evidence about Brett Lomax unless I went to bed with him.”

Clay looks like someone just shoved a two-by-four in a very personal place.

Quick scene with Bobby in his office. Kay calls. “You have to understand my career.” Bobby: “We’ll talk later. Bye.” Well, good. Maybe the writers are ready to get rid of Kay and this whole stupid subplot. Hope so.

Then we have Connie the Crazy Slut sneaking into Ray’s house in the middle of the night. He’s asleep in bed, and she jumps on him, laughing and giggling. Ray wakes, understandably freaked, and he wants her out. NOW. She has no intention of leaving. There’s something of a struggle, he basically tells her to go to hell and never contact him again. She finally leaves, but we all know that crazy chick will be back.

Back at South Fork, Clayton confronts JR. “I saw Laurel this afternoon. What kind of man ARE you?”

JR: “She was all over me.”

Clay: “I got the autopsy report, which shows Shulton was smothered, and I would have been off the hook anyway.”

JR: “Why don’t we wake up Momma, see what SHE thinks about all of this.”

And it continues, with JR being a total bitch, and Clayton not being enough of a bitch. Clay, dude, WAKE Ellie up, and let her know what Sonny Boy did.

Next morning, still at South Fork, with Clayton and Ellie.

Clay: “I’ve never felt like I belonged here.”

Ellie: “That’s ridiculous.” (Oh, come on, Miss Ellie. You just spent at least 7 episodes acting like Clayton had slept with the entire country and was a mass murderer. Take some blame, here.)

Clay: “A man can’t spend his life walking around on eggshells. If I’m going to live here, it’s going to be MY house! Especially when it comes to JR!”

Wow. Miss Ellie perks up, sexual hormones suddenly racing through her system. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Cut to April at her restaurant that we’ve basically forgotten about, because she never goes there. She’s berating some serving girl for something pointless. Casey wanders in.

April and her hair, right to the point: “What are you up to, working with both JR and Cliff?”

Casey babbles something meaningless, because the script writers couldn’t think of a good comeback line.

April/hair: “I don’t want to see Cliff hurt. JR is squeezing him.”

Casey: “So it’s okay that YOU are working both sides?”

April/hair: “I’ve got the power. YOU don’t.”

High-five, sister girl.

Cut to Ray’s house, where he’s walking out the front door, only to discover that “R.K. luvs C.H.” has been painted on said front door in the middle of a heart. Oh boy.

JR waltzes into a Westar board meeting. JR tells them he’s ready to get down to business so he can be chairman of the board.

Kimberly waltzes in as well. “Wait a minute. I have all my daddy’s votes that he left me in a Living Trust.”

JR: “Doesn’t matter. I’m going to take this company.”

Kim: “You don’t have enough votes.” She smiles, and Sue Ellen marches in the door, looking stunning in a white suit, and this time they got the hair right.

Sue Ellen: “Hello, my love.”

JR: “This is the biggest mistake of your life.”

Sue: “I thought I was correcting one.”

Kimberly asks the rest of the assembled board members: “Anyone voting for Mr. Ewing?” Dead silence, crickets chirp, no one moves a muscle.

JR starts babbling, they still don’t have enough numbers to stop him.

Kim: “Oh wait, there’s someone else I’d like you to meet. They’re voting with me as well.”

And in walks Jeremy Wendell.

Holy cow. The writers got me with that one. Totally didn’t see it coming.

The board quickly votes Jeremy in as chairman, and then everybody is clapping and glaring at defeated JR.

JR: “I’ll never forget this, Sue Ellen.”

Sue Ellen: “I certainly hope not.”

#98 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 26

So we start things out with Ray and that Connie tramp awaking “the morning after” in some bed, presumably hers, although this is not verified. They obviously had some alcohol-infused fun last night, and as Ray realizes this he tries to skedaddle out the door. The slut tries to stop him.

Connie: “Your marriage is over!”

Ray: “I didn’t say that.”

Then he stupidly tries to leave some money on the dresser, like THAT move is going to calm the situation.

Connie: “You think I’m a whore!” (This girl is very dramatic.)

Ray: “Gotta go, see ya.”

Cut to Bobby and the evil, bribe-seeking Senator O’Dell. The senator still wants his castle. Bobby lets him know that the price is too high. The senator dismisses him and lets Bobby find his own way out.

Over at South Fork, JR is tormenting Clayton. “You cheated on Momma and there’s that homicide thing, but I admire your taste in bed partners.” Clay is not pleased with this conversation, telling JR “Don’t push your luck!” in an angry voice. Of course, no one really believes Clayton will actually do anything, but it’s nice to think that maybe JR paused for two seconds before venturing out the door to destroy the career of yet another person he doesn’t like.

Bobby calls secretary Phyllis, and asks her to find all the scoop she can on Senator O’Dell. Phyllis hops right to it. Then Kay waltzes in to wherever Bobby is making the phone call, and they get all mushy-faced. Not really buying their relationship at all. Have I mentioned that?

Casey drops by Pill-Poppin Cliff’s office. Casey: “The Westar stock went up. I’d like to work with you.” (What these things have to do with each other, I really don’t know.) Cliff, chewing on another pill: “Just what do you want?” Casey babbles about the dusty Tulsa land that Daddy left him. Cliff: “Send me a map.”

Really Cliff? The piece of crap land that JR didn’t want? Of course, maybe you don’t know that part. And even if you do, your little pill friends might be making you not care.

JR shows up at Laurel’s apartment, belching fake apologies.

Laurel: “I’m going home. I’m sick of the reporters.” (What reporters? We haven’t seen any since the last episode, and you weren’t in that scene.)

JR: “I’ve got a place you can stay. Of course, I’m doing this for Clayton.” (Right.)

Laurel: “Okay, give me two days and I’ll be ready.” (You fool. And what do you need to do that’s going to take two days? You were about to leave for England five minutes ago.)

Then Brett Lomax, the Ex, comes walking in. He’s all snotty to JR (good), but JR doesn’t care. He’s already set his trap for Laurel and he’s quite happy. He heads out of the apartment. Then stops outside the door to eavesdrop.

Laurel: “I’m NOT having an affair with ANYONE.”

Brett: “NO ONE is going to get in my way.”

Oh? JR’s eyes light up with this revealing tidbit, then off he goes.

Cut to South Fork, where it’s dinner time, and JR and Bobby are bickering with each other. (It’s amazing how quickly Bobby gets back and forth between Dallas and Washington, isn’t it?) Then JR bitches for a little bit about Clayton. We learn nothing in this scene, they should have saved the money for something else.

Later, Ellie’s in her room, and Clay stops by. He’s a little miffed that Ellie didn’t stop by to say goodnight. (I guess it’s slipped Clay’s mind that Ellie is still very mad at him.) Ellie doesn’t want to talk, which causes Clay to lose his cool a little bit. “I’m a pariah around here! Are we together or not?”

Miss Ellie gets all crinkled up on cue, and fesses that she wants him here, that she doesn’t want a divorce. She’s just very hurt and it will take time for the scars to heal. Clay: “But do you love me?” Ellie: “I do.” Then they dramatically clench and kiss.

Thank GOD that secondary plot line is now over, with Ellie’s trumped up scorn and fury over something that Clayton didn’t even do. Miss Ellie NEVER stays mad for very long. If she did, she would have had JR institutionalized years ago.

Sue Ellen is at her office, pretending to study some report that’s really blank, when Nick arrives.

Sue: “I’m ready to buy Westar stock. Thirty million dollars worth.” (Like this is pocket change to her.)

Nick, trying to hide his disappointment: “There’s no other reason that you needed to see me?”

Sue: “Nope. YOU’RE the one that put US on hold.”

Fine. Nick: “Don’t buy the stock, it’s too high.”

Sue: “I want the stock. I want to stop JR.”

Nick: “You’re willing to risk everything to get what you want?”

Sue Ellen stares at him pointedly for a moment, then pretends to be interested in the blank report again. “Yes. Buy the stock.” Dismissed.

Quick scene where JR meets Harry outside some restaurant. Harry has spotted Brett inside. JR rushes in and has a pointless conversation. (Brett: “You’re rather a crude type.” JR: “Laurel is not leaving town.”) Brett leaves in disgust. Harry and a photographer come rushing out of the bushes, apparently having taken pictures of Brett. They are all very excited about this.

Cut to Bobby’s office, where Phyllis is explaining that she couldn’t find a thing on Senator O’Dell. Maybe JR has the files. Bobby is sad. He really wanted to find something he could use against O’Dell. Phyllis sighs (these dang Ewing men), then cheerfully asks Bobby what the difference is between O’Dell wanting a bribe and Bobby wanting to blackmail him with old dirt? Bobby looks even more sad. Phyllis goes to make coffee.

Now we’re at Ray’s house, where Connie shows up again. (Does she live down the street? What’s going on here?) Connie: “I’m more than a one-night stand. I know you haven’t heard from Jenna.” (Has she tapped the phone line?) Ray: “Let’s go to dinner.” Connie squeals and they rush out the door.

Stupid Ray.

Cut to Cliff’s condo, where April knocks on the door, sporting a hideous Gloria Swanson turban thing for no apparent reason. The camera briefly lands on the coffee table, letting us know that Cliff is reading a book entitled “Oil, Sex and Power.” (What the hell?) April: “We have a lot to talk about. The Ewings are taking us both on a ride.” Then they start drinking and bonding. Still no explanation for the turban.

Then we have Bobby staring into a fireplace, presumably at South Fork, but you never know, he could already be back in Washington again. It’s been at least ten minutes since we’ve see him.

JR walks up. “We haven’t talked lately.”

Bobby: “We haven’t had a civilized relationship in a long time.”

JR: “I wanna share offices again. I miss you. You know that Daddy always wanted us to work together.”

Bobby’s obviously not buying this. “That’s very nice. Now, what do you really want? You want something from me.”

Another quick scene, this one showing a drunken Ray and Connie tumbling into her bed once again. Great.

Then Bobby’s in Washington again. (See? You turn your back to get another beer and that boy is in a different city.) He’s meeting with Senator O’Dell, and is being rude, fully expecting that Bobby is going to give him the castle he wants. “I know you had your secretary search your files. I know how this works. Did you bring the deed?”

Bobby: “Of course I did. But it’s a 99-year trust. And it starts the day I get the Ewing Oil name back.” Then Bobby just smiles.

Laurel’s at her shiny new apartment that JR has arranged for her, when he knocks on the door, grinning with his news: Harry found two witnesses using the photographs they snapped of Brett Lomax. Turns out, Brett is the one who actually killed David Shulton, slipping into the apartment after Clayton had left and finishing the job. Hurray!

Laurel: “I can’t believe it. I’m so grateful!”

Then JR moves in for the kill. “Harry’s holding Brett at the airport, waiting on a call from me. If I don’t get what I want, he’ll let Brett go.” He starts pawing Laurel.

She’s outraged, and starts to fight back. JR: “If you don’t do this, Clayton will go to jail.” He starts ripping at her clothes.

JR is just the nicest guy, isn’t he? Bastard.

Cut to Dr. Styles in the little war room at his mansion, where an assistant comes racing up with the news that Sue Ellen Ewing just bought a big-ass chunk of Westar stock.

Dr. Styles: “Oh my God, that’s terrible!”

Then Kimberly waltzes in, like she’s at a fashion show in Paris. “Great news. She’s going to vote on OUR side.”

Dr. Styles: “Everybody! Gather around. We’ve won!”

Then he promptly collapses to the ground, and it doesn’t look good. Kimberly, given this great dramatic moment to show her acting chops with a wrenching, emotional performance, instead confirms that she will not be winning an Emmy this year. She’s terrible.

Final scene is at South Fork, where JR tells Clayton and the rest of the gang about his glorious involvement in identifying Brett Lomax as the real killer, and that Clayton won‘t be going to the slammer. That his only motive in this was to keep the family together. Miss Ellie beams at her loving son with tear-filled eyes. The rest of the clan is not so beaming, certain that there’s more to the story, but they act happy anyway.

JR: “You have no idea what getting Clayton off the hook meant to me.” Then he smiles.

Blech.

#96 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 25

We start out at the police station, with Clay being released on bail. Then he, Harv Smithfield, Bobby, and Miss Ellie (looking pained and pinched, naturally) head out the doors. And of course, these doors lead to a very long hallway, with rabid reporters waiting at the other end, yelling stupid questions. So the four of them huddle up and march forward, and we get lots of dramatic music as they do so.

Cut to Cliff’s office, where Casey has just showed up and wants to talk business. Cliff initially wants nothing to do with Casey (“I SAW you with JR’s secretary!”), but after Casey convinces Cliff that they both share the same daddy issues, Cliff at least listens to him. What does Casey want Cliff to do? Buy Westar stock.

Back at South Fork, Clay wants to speak with Miss Ellie privately. He thanks her for showing up at the police station and all that. Maybe we can work things out? Ellie: “Nothing’s changed. The Ewings band together when things like this happen. Until this is OVER, you have our support.” In other words, get back in your dog house and shut up. Then Miss Ellie wanders off to see if Teresa has polished the silverware.

Ray’s at his house, moping around because Jenna and Charlie are supposedly off getting Charlie set-up in her prison cell at the School for Misbehaving Child Actors. Connie (the flat-tire tramp) phones Ray. How about we do dinner? Ray politely declines. Connie squelches her hormones for the moment. Maybe we’ll run into each other soon?

Of course they will. This set-up is taking forever. Let’s get to whatever is supposed to happen.

Sue Ellen shows up at April’s condo, and the conversation goes something like this:

Sue Ellen: Have you seen Nick lately? (Translation: I am VERY horny.)

April: Why are you so worried? (Are you sleeping with him?)

Sue Ellen: We’ve been getting… close. (Yes)

April: I can’t find him either. I need to buy some Westar stock. (But I’m not trying all that hard. Last time I went looking for him I got kidnapped and I broke a nail.)

Sue Ellen: I can’t believe you’re going along with JR on this Westar thing. (Bitch.)

April: JR’s actually helped me out in the past. (Out of bed.)

Sue Ellen: “The one joy in my life is stopping JR from getting Westar.”

Bobby gets a call from Kay, the strumpet in Washington. There’s some bad buzz with the Clayton killing somebody thing, better get up here. Bobby: “Be there in the morning.”

At South Fork, JR pulls Miss Ellie aside. JR: “I’m MAD about Clayton being back in this house. He’s a disgrace to the family.” Ellie: “You’re a fine one to talk.” JR: “Clayton was out and out cheatin with that bimbo.” Miss Ellie snaps: “Compared to YOU, Clayton is a saint!”

At the sparsely-populated South Fork breakfast table the next morning, JR tries to get some intel from little Christopher: “Your daddy’s away a lot. Any idea where he goes?” Great, JR. Even ugly little children are fair game for your scheming.

Clayton walks in, all awkward and everything. He apologizes if his actions have upset folks. And of course, JR jumps all over that opening, talking about Clayton sleeping with that tramp and then killing her boyfriend. When Miss Ellie tries to shut him up, he pouts with “I’m just telling the truth!”

Sue Ellen: “That would be a first.”

Cut to Laurel wandering down some sidewalk, looking tragic and haggard. Her weird ex-boyfriend drives up (isn’t he supposed to be back home in England?), explaining that he’s only here to support her, no strings attached. Laurel seems to think that’s a splendid idea and they wander some more down the sidewalk.

Then we’re in Washington, where Bobby is meeting with the senator that is supposedly upset with Clayton’s shenanigans. Turns out, he’s not bothered by that at all. What he really wants to do is help Bobby get the Ewing Oil name back. All Bobby has to do is buy the senator a retirement home in Scotland for a couple million. Bobby just leaves, refusing to even shake the jerk’s hand.

Zip over to South Fork, where Miss Ellie is sitting there looking sad. Of all people, Laurel shows up. “I’m looking for you, to tell the truth.” Ellie gets kind of bitchy with her, and Laurel eventually leaves, but not before telling Ellie that “Clayton needs your love and support.”

Laurel walks out onto the infamous driveway where nobody ever seems to know how to park, and here comes JR, salivating at seeing her here. He wants to know all about her affair with Clayton.

Laurel: “It wouldn’t be lurid enough to turn you on. I’ve met men like you.”

I really enjoyed that line.

Cut to Cliff in his office, taking more pills, and Kimberly Cryder walks in. (What is up this episode with all these people waltzing into places they don’t normally belong?) She’s here on a business deal. She knows that Cliff bought all that Westar stock. Kim wants Cliff to meet her father and stop JR.

Cliff: “What if I don’t want to be in this fight?”

Kimberly: “Call me.”

JR calls Harry, the dirty police detective, and tells him to go pick up Laurel and bring her to his office. When Harry starts to protest that he doesn’t have any legal right to do that, JR yells at him to just do it and then slams the phone down. Poor Laurel. Now she’s got another Ewing stalking her, when all she wants to do is trim her little miniature trees.

Bobby and Kay, dancing again somewhere. He’s all flustered about Senator O’Dell trying to blackmail him. Kay: “What would your father have done?” Bobby looks all confused and sad, which is the expression he gives when he’s contemplating doing something naughty.

Sue Ellen is in her office, and Nick shows up for his “appointment.” Nick: “Nothing has changed between us.” Sue Ellen: “But what is going ON?” Nick: “Can’t tell. It’s a family matter.” Sue Ellen: “I can understand family issues.” Nick: “We can only do business together, no meeting alone, ever. I’ll be in touch.” And then he’s gone again.

Poor Sue Ellen. She doesn’t have ANYONE stalking her, when all she wants to do is be stalked. A lot.

JR’s office, and Laurel storms in, completely fed up with JR’s trick, while Harry stands in the background, looking sheepish, and then he scampers away. JR goes right into aggressive overdrive, digging for information and telling total lies about what his intentions are. Then his horniness surfaces.

JR: “I’d have bedded you.”

Laurel: “If I live to be a thousand, I’d never let you touch me.” She storms back out.

Cut to Ray’s house. He answers the front door to find Flat-Tire Connie standing there, holding a bag of groceries. She’s going to make dinner for him. Poor Ray. All he wants to do is pretend that he misses Jenna and that brat Charlie, and here’s this irritating stalker woman that insists on cooking for him.

Clayton and Miss Ellie meet with lawyer Harv, and he has some grim news about Clayton‘s legal standing. With the way things appear, the best they can hope for is involuntary manslaughter. Then they just sit there. I guess for dramatic effect. Clay looks depressed, Ellie looks like she could wrinkle her face at any moment, and Harv looks like he’s calculating how much money he’s made over the years on Ewing criminal cases.

Cut back to Ray’s house. He and Connie are apparently bonding over a bottle of wine. Ray ends up telling her he’s glad she came by, it’s been a little lonely. Connie smiles a discreet victory smile, then heads off to “clean up the kitchen” which probably means she’s going to slip into a thong and some high heels.

The phone rings. He has a short conversation with what appears to be Jenna, but we can only hear his side of the conversation since there’s not really anybody at the other end of the prop phone.

Connie comes back in, not quite thonged just yet. “Bad news?”

Ray: “They hate the school, and have decided to just travel Europe for a while.” (How convenient for the script writers!)

Connie: “Is there something I can do?” (Like what, Connie? Go get them and bring them back?)

Ray: “Let’s go drink!” They grab their things and head out the door. Gee. I wonder how THIS night is going to end?

Cut to Kimberly’s father, Dr. Styles, sitting somewhere in his fancy mansion. Kimberly arrives with Cliff, and she’s all excited about getting the two of them together.

Styles to Cliff: I want you to join me fighting JR. Maybe a position in the company. Maybe a merger.

Cliff: “I hope this war explodes and blows both of you to hell and back!” Then he storms out.

As the door slams, Dr. Styles has some sort of attack and reaches for his oxygen. Kimberly runs to tend to him, looking anguished, but still manages to keep her good side facing the camera.

Daddy Styles: “I think we’ve lost.”

Cut to JR’s office (that place was BUSY this episode), and Kimberly shows up, ready to broker a deal, but JR is apparently not in the mood.

Kim: I want to call the whole thing off. No marriage. I’ll convince Daddy.

JR: I wanna break him and take Westar over.

Kim: “One way or another, I will stop you.”

End trans.

#92 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 24

So we start out with Bobby and Kay, riding in a limo after kicking up their heels at the honky-tonk. They flirt for a while (boring, unbelievable), then Kay asks him when he’s coming to Washington? Bobby: “As soon as I can.” Very sappy, just not seeing any chemistry here. And hello? April? Bobby was deeply in love with HER a mere 3 seconds ago…

Speaking of, we cut to April in her little hostage hotel room, with one of the Goons. She keeps walking around and bickering and he keeps telling her to stop walking around and bickering. Then the phone rings. The Goon answers, grunts a few times, then hangs up. “Let’s go. I’m taking you home.” April just looks at him like “but I had several more things to bitch about. Do I have time for that?”

Now we’re having breakfast at South Fork. Miss Ellie announces to Sue Ellen, JR, Bobby, and the ugly grandkids that Clayton doesn’t live there anymore. Bobby: “Boys, you’re done with your breakfast, go to school.” (Nothing like snatching food from children and then sending them away. Nice parenting.) Miss Ellie refuses to reveal any further details, but JR is so happy he could do a round-off and a back flip as he heads out the door.

Over to Ray’s house, where he and Jenna are gathering up suitcases while Charlie pouts in a rocking chair on the porch. Apparently it’s time to head for Switzerland and the evil boarding school. But Jenna is really not playing very nice, snapping at Ray that this whole operation is his fault and she’s not sure that it’s the right thing to do.

But does she slow down with the packing? Of course not. Jenna is slamming prop clothing into the prop suitcases as fast as she can, flinging them out on to the porch next to pouting Charlie. She also yells at Ray some more, getting increasingly psychotic. It seems that she has completely forgotten that his entire boarding school operation was her idea.

Jenna to Ray: “You’re making me choose between you and my daughter!”

Ray: “What?”

The Audience: “What?”

Me: “And that damn hairdo of yours, Priscilla. Seriously. Too ugly, for too long.”

Anyway, they finally get the car loaded and leave, but not before Ray tries to give Charlie a present, and she refuses to take it. “I don’t want ANYTHING from you.” Just send her away, people. Over her. Besides, maybe they have acting classes at this boarding school, and she can pick up a few pointers.

Cut to Nick, who is back at his house, apparently free and alone. He checks his messages on the answering machine. April: “They let me go!” Sue Ellen: “I’m very horny. I mean, I’m very concerned about you.” April again: “What’s going ON? Where ARE you? Are you okay?”

Nick doesn’t call any of them back. Instead, he takes off his shirt for no apparent reason and walks out of the room.

Casey arrives for a meeting that JR has arranged. JR wants Casey to sign this proxy thing so that JR can control the voting on any Westar stock shares that Casey buys as head of the dummy company he’s fronting for JR. Casey’s not really thrilled about that, and he changes the subject. What Casey really wants is a loan from JR.

JR can barely stop himself from laughing. Why would I do that?

Casey: “You can buy the valuable 20 acres in Tulsa you gave my Daddy years ago. For a couple million.”

JR: “That land ain’t worth crap. You think I’d have given that land to him if it was worth anything?” Then JR stomps away.

Really, Casey, he has a point. When are you going to learn? JR sucks. You’ve been on the show for a while now, get with the program.

Back to South Fork, with Ellie sitting morosely on the patio. Clayton drives up. She’s outraged that he did so, but he wants to talk. He pulls out the Wes Parmalee thing (you know, the guy that pretended to be Jock?) Clay stood by while Miss Ellie went through that whole mess, with her panting with lust at the thought that it might really be Jock.

Ellie: “But I didn’t SLEEP with him!”

Clay: “I didn’t sleep with Laurel!”

Ellie: “Yes you DID. David Shulton just called here and said you made love!”

Oh boy. See, we knew that guy was trouble. (For those a little fuzzy about the score card, Clay did NOT sleep with Laurel.)

Clay tells Ellie she’s out of her mind. “You call me when you come to your senses.” Then he stomps off.

Now we have Ray driving along after dropping Big Bitch and Little Bitch off at the airport. “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places” is once again playing in the background (the producers must have REALLY gotten a good deal with the song rights on that one), so we know he’s about to run into potential love fest trouble.

Sure enough, he spies a woman on the side of the road dealing with a flat tire. Ray stops. Even her spare is flat, so he’s gonna run to his house and call a wrecker. The woman, Connie, breathlessly asks, “It’s really hot out here. Can I come with?” Sure thing, hop on in.

Back to Nick’s house. There’s a knock on the door. Ray’s dripping wet in a bathrobe. (What is up with them trying to reveal his body in this episode. Is this in his contract?) He opens the door to find April, and he quickly grabs her and pulls her inside. Nick: “I told you to stay out of my life!”

April, having been held hostage and all, thinks maybe he shouldn’t be so bossy. Then she stupidly says: “Maybe I should go to the police.” He goes slightly berserk, threatens her several times, then throws her out of the house.

Clayton’s in his room at the Hotel Banishment, when Bobby arrives. Bobby just wants to hear his side of the story. So Clay finally spills all, starting with Laurel in the painting, and ending with confirmation that they never did anything.

Bobby: “And who is this David somebody that called?

Clay: “Ohhh, I’m hot about this David.” (I know, sounds dirty, but it was a simpler time.)

Bobby: “Just cool down before you do something stupid.”

Which is our clue that Clayton is indeed going to do something stupid.

Back to Ray’s house, where Flat-Tire Connie is checking out the place, noting the obvious money involved, and prying Ray for details. And of course he tells her that his wife and kid are out of town, indefinitely. Connie smiles, and pretends to be talking about his help with the tire. “I’d like to repay the kindness somehow.”

I’m sure she would.

Nick/Joey drives up to some warehouse, where he meets his brother. (Did not catch the name.) Seems brother was involved in the complex cover-up to convince the goons that their parents are dead. It’s a really long scene, with boring bits about the brother’s wife, but in the end, Joey tells the brother they have to keep the parents hidden for a while because the goons will probably be back. Then they go out for pizza.

Short scene with Cliff meeting with… I guess his business manager. Cliff is all worked up and acting even more strange than usual. Business manager guy: “Have you seen a doctor lately?” Then Cliff launches into his usual tirade about how his life is always being ruined by JR. Then we see Cliff taking more pills.

Another quick scene with Sue Ellen arriving at her office to find flowers from Nick. The card apologizes for his actions lately, and hopes she understands it was a family matter. Sue Ellen glows, and thinks of sexual positions they haven’t tried.

Sly is having dinner with Casey. He’s all sad about JR being JR. If he only had some money. Sly says she doesn’t have any money either. (Then why are both of you always in fancy restaurants? Just asking.) Cliff manages to wander up, says hateful things to Sly, warns Casey he shouldn’t have anything to do with JR, then staggers off. Sly: “He’s a bitter, bitter little man.”

David Shulton, the evil painter, arrives at his apartment. Clay’s waiting for him, and there’s some yelling and a brawl, with Clay getting in the most blows before stomping out of the apartment. (Guess Clay didn’t listen to Bobby.)

Cliff at his doctor’s office, wanting more pills. Dr: “No!” Cliff: “I just need them to relax.” Dr: “No!”

April’s at her condo, and JR shows up. He wants her to buy Westar stock. April: “But I just SOLD my Westar stock like you told me. Besides, why should I help YOU?” Then JR reminds her of all the wealth and riches she has because of him. Which is crap. But she buys it, which is completely inconsistent with her character. (Sometimes these writers are not on their toes.)

She agrees to buy stock, but when JR whips out that proxy thing, she refuses to sign. Even more interesting, he doesn’t push it, pockets the proxy, and walks out.

Plot point alert, don’t you think?

Casey is meeting with…. I don’t remember her name, one of the rich people he screwed over when he first arrived on the scene. He has a deal for her. He knows Westar stock is going to bottom, and will then hit the roof. He can tell her exactly when this is going to happen, he just wants a piece of the profits.

She ponders this briefly, acting as if she’s interested, then dumps her drink on him. “I told you once you were dead in Dallas, I guess you just haven’t realized it yet.”

Well, then.

Bobby’s out at South Fork, glistening by the pool, when he gets a call from Kay. Lots more flirty talk. She wants him in Washington BAD, call anytime.

I just don’t like her. Sorry.

Scene with Jackie, Cliff’s secretary, repeatedly buzzing the phone in his office and getting no response. Over and over. Just when we’re to the point of screaming at the screen “just get UP and go in there”, she does. Cliff is passed out on a couch. She wakes him. Jackie: “I’m worried about you. Go see my doctor.” He just looks at her. Okay, we get it, Cliff is about to have some addiction issues, and he will probably blame JR. Kind of boring. Next.

Final scene, the police arrive at Clayton’s hotel room, and arrest him for the murder of David Shulton.

Big surprise, right?

I bet Kristen actually did it. Oh wait. Maybe Cathryn did it. Oh wait. Maybe Pam did it. Oh wait….

Tune in next time….

#91 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 23

Okay, fair warning, we have some really terrible acting in this episode. Not that this show was ever known for the fine quality of the actors, but still, something was really in the air this time and half the cast went off the rails…

So we start with April at her condo, getting knocked around by the goons looking for Joey/Nicholas. She offers them a million dollars if they will just leave her alone. (Are you serious? I’ll ignore you and your frizzy hair for a lot less than that.) The goons just smirk and wave a knife in her face. April immediately breaks down and spills the beans.

Quick scene with JR in his office, almost sexually aroused by the news that Westar stock is still falling. He tells sly to get April on the phone. (Um, April’s kind of busy right now, Sly, you might get the answering machine.) Oh, and get Ray Krebs as well. (Ray? What the hell?)

Cut to Nick on the phone, talking to April’s answering machine. (Which means Sly will get a busy signal when she calls, poor thing. Her work never ends.) Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. Nick is on the verge of shooting the door down when we hear Sue Ellen’s voice.

He grabs her and drags her into the room, being all rude and everything. He’s not happy that she’s there, after telling her to stay away. Sue Ellen: “I deserve better.” Nick doesn’t have time for this, she just needs to listen to him and stay away, then he throws her back out the door.

This scene was the first scene with really bad acting. When Jack Scalia tries to convey “urgent and threatening” he instead comes across as “I have REALLY got to go to the bathroom.” At the end of the scene he snatches up the phone, identifies himself as Joey, and tells the person at the other end that it’s time for “the plan.”

Quick scene with Cliff watching TV reports about the plummeting Westar stock, popping pills out of a prescription bottle, and sitting next to that horrid modern-art lamp that everyone has hated for several seasons now. I’m assuming the prop department paid too much for the ugly thing to just park it in storage somewhere.

Then we’re over at Dr. Style’s mansion (Kimberly’s daddy), with hundreds of office workers running around and typing at computers that look like microwaves. (Interesting. None of this stuff was here just a few days ago. But oh well.)

Kimberly arrives, all bossy: “You’re killing yourself. Send these people home! Stop the war with JR!” Daddy just blows her off: “I’m having the best time of my life. Thank the Lord for JR Ewing.”

I never would have imagined that a character on this show would ever say such a thing.

Quick scene with Joey being grabbed by the goons in an elevator.

(There sure are a lot of quick scenes in this episode. I checked to see who the director was. Larry Hagman. Ah, got it. He directs like his character would direct. Get it done and move on, who cares if it’s messy.)

Ray meets JR at the Cattlemen’s Club, and Ray gets right to the point: “What do you want?” Well, JR wants Ray to buy up Westar stock so they can get back at the people who hurt our daddy and took our company. Of course Ray is repulsed by helping JR with anything whatsoever: “YOU lost Jock’s company, not me.” JR then calls Ray a half-breed and stomps off. JR is such a pleasant fellow, especially when he doesn’t get his way, don’t you think?

Scene with the goons torturing Joey. Where’s daddy? Joey’s not talking, the goons continue knocking him around. “Your father turned against the family!” More beatings, more not talking from Joey.

(In the control room, the show producers heave a heavy sigh. Even trying to BEAT an actual performance out of Jack Scalia is not working. Oh well, the contract’s been signed, there’s nothing they can do.)

Scene with April sitting on the bed of what appears to be a hotel room, being guarded by another goon who is not really paying attention to her while he tears into a sandwich. She’s not really tied up or anything, and could easily slip out the door while the goon is bonding with his meal. But she doesn’t. She just sits there and whines while he ravages the sandwich, mayo dripping from his chin.

Stupid scene, really. Unless the writers plan to eventually hook these two up romantically, and this is the cross-over scene where April first begins to ponder a possible like as a mafia princess. Not too far-fetched of an idea for this show, so I’m not excluding it yet.

Over to Ray and Jenna’s house, where they are having a “come to Jesus” meeting with Charlie and thus initiating another round of really bad acting. Jenny and Charlie are bad enough when they are not in the same scene, but put them together and it’s like zombies fighting their way out of a paper bag that the prop people have already conveniently torn for them.

Jenna: “This house has become a battleground!” (Really, a battleground? I guess I have a different idea of a battleground.) They both tell Charlie that they are sending her away to a boarding school in Switzerland. Charlie reacts in her typical demure fashion. She screams at Ray “You’re not even my FATHER!” and then screams at Jenna “I’ll always hate you for this!” Then she runs out.

The goons drive Joey to the house where we know his parents live because of a previous episode. (“Clinton, Indiana” appears on the screen, like that’s important in any way, other than to wonder how they drove from Dallas to Indiana in about twenty minutes.)

They go to the door. Hey, there’s a different family living there now. What? They’ve been there about 6 months. What? Mr. and Mrs. Pearce were killed in a tragic car accident. What? Joey breaks free of the goons, but instead of running like hell, he stops next door and bangs on the window. The lady neighbor comes out and immediately starts consoling Joey. “You poor thing, such a terrible tragedy. Oh, you didn’t KNOW? Poor, poor thing. Let me pat you on the head with fake tenderness.” The Joey starts crying.

Olive branch to Mr. Scalia: Dude, you actually did well in this scene. Keep practicing!

Cut to Sly showing up somewhere that Casey is playing basketball with some homies. This scene was meant to show that their romance is growing, but basically it was just an opportunity for Andrew Stevens to prove that he does indeed have a personal trainer and a pretty good tan.

Back to Ray and Jenna’s house, where she’s having second thoughts about shipping her bad actress daughter off to the place where they make really good chocolate. She mopes around a bit in her ugly hair, and then tells Ray she is going with Charlie and will stay “as long as she needs me.”

Sort of missing the point a bit, aren’t you, Jenna?

Miss Ellie arrives home in a limo, fresh from her vacation. The ugly grandkids are there, running around wanting to know what kind of presents Grandma brought them. (No, they’re not spoiled at all.) Inside the house we have Bobby, Sue Ellen, and eventually JR. They chat a bit, but interestingly enough, not a single person asks how Lucy is doing, even though that’s where Miss Ellie has just been for the last week or so.

Poor Lucy. Even when Charlene Tilton was ON the show, she never got a decent break.

Anyway, Miss Ellie does have all kinds of questions about Clay. Where is he? What’s he doing? When’s he coming home? Why isn’t he here to meet me? Everyone else in the room looks at each other knowingly. Miss E’s still hung up on something terrible she thinks Clay is doing. Just to ensure we understand that Miss Ellie is indeed obsessed, we have a close-up of her crinkly, tear-stained face.

Another scene with Sly and Casey. This time he is showing her the vacant offices he rented when he thought he was going to make something of himself before JR squashed him. He whines a little bit about JR. “Didn’t even know my daddy was DEAD!” And some other “never get a decent break” dialogue. Sly is all supportive, he’ll make it, don’t let the offices go. Then she smiles sweetly.

Okay, folks, time to get this plotline going. Clearly, the script eventually calls for them to be together. Let’s get to that point, and let’s not have any more budding-love scenes with Sly wearing slightly frumpy Laura Ashley couture and Casey “aw shucking” his way around the set.

Quick scene with Joey and the goons. They aren’t really buying the car accident thing. “We’ll find out just how dead they really are.”

Clayton finally arrives at South Fork from… somewhere. (Pork Rind City?) He has a weird conversation with Miss Ellie, where Miss E is fishing for something to justify her neurotic state. Clay doesn’t give her any validation. They get nowhere. Meanwhile, Sue Ellen is sitting there watching them, sporting one of those weird-ass hairdos they slap on her from time to time.

Note to the producers and hair people. Linda Gray does not do well with funky, new-wave hair. Leave it alone. I don’t care if your numbers are falling in the coveted 18-49 demographic.

Cut to Bobby’s office, where he’s pretending to look busy, when suddenly Kaye, of the Washington, D.C. Kayes, struts into the room. What’s this? Kaye: “I’m impulsive. I decided to visit Dallas and I need a Dallas guide. Know one?” Bobby grabs his jacket and off they go.

Cut to a cemetery, where Joey and the Goons are walking around, looking for Joey’s parents’ graves. And they find them. Holy cow. Guess they really are gone.

During this whole scene, planes are taking off and landing right behind them. Well then. This cemetery is located right at the end of a landing strip. Convenient, no?

Then we have Bobby and Kaye strolling into some honky-tonk, while “Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places” is playing in the background. But despite the overbearing message of the music, Bobby and Kaye flirt, giggle, and then eventually head out to the dance floor, where Bobby kisses her.

I guess Bobby’s over Pam. And April. Hey, wait a minute, where IS April? We haven’t seen her since the first of the episode. Her damn answering machine got more screen time than she did.

Final scene.

Clay’s working late at his office. Miss Ellie walks in. “We’ve got to talk.”

Clay: “Well then, sit down.”

Miss Ellie plops down in a chair that conveniently is located right next to the (second) painting of Laurel. She sees it and snaps. “I saw her kiss you! I saw you leave this building together!”

Clay: “A man’s allowed to have friends. Nothing happened.”

Miss Ellie is crying hysterically. “Then WHY are you seeing her?” At least I think that’s what she said. That girl can blubber and snort on cue. She may have just been asking if the mussels are fresh in the restaurant downstairs, but I kind of doubt it.

Clay: “She made me feel like a man.”

Oh boy. Clayton, you done stepped in it GOOD.

Ellie: “Don’t blame me! I trusted YOU!” (There’s now enough water pouring out of Ellie’s eyes that the National Weather service is forced to run a banner at the bottom of the screen. “It’s okay. This is not real. You are safe. No need to evacuate.”)

Clay: “Nothing’s changed.” (Clayton has a look on his face like “this is a REALLY long scene. Surely they’re going to cut some of it. When can I stop acting?”)

Ellie: “I can’t live with a man I don’t trust anymore. It’s too LATE!”

Clay: “Let’s go home.”

Miss Ellie leaps to her feet. (You can hear the water gush out of her sensible shoes. One of the chairs floats away.) “YOU go home. And get your things. I want you OUT!”

Oh. She sounds pretty serious there, Clayton. Looks like you’re in kind of a pickle. Have you checked your contract lately?

#87 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 22

We start out with Bobby at South Fork, preparing to leave for Washington, when Cliff suddenly shows up. He’s got Lisa with him, of all people. She just wants to say goodbye to Christopher. Bobby gets all angry at first, but then he gives in, because that’s what Bobby is good at. So Lisa has a tear-filled moment with Christopher (“… if you ever need a friend…”) that I totally didn’t buy.

Casey meets with JR and fesses up about meeting Kimberly, spilling that Kim wants his proxy vote, with her not knowing that he doesn’t actually own the stock. Is JR mad? Hell, no, meet her again, get the scoop. And by the way, don’t be seen in public with Sly anymore. Have a good day!

Quick scene with Nicholas still at his parents’ hide-away house, trying to convince them to change their minds and move to another safe house. Nope, not interested.

Clay calls Ellie, checking up and being all excited about picking her up from the airport soon. Actually, says Miss Ellie, I think I’m going to see Lucy in Atlanta for a bit. In other words, Clay, you are still in the doghouse and will remain there until I decide to let you out, even though you have no idea why you are in the doghouse.

Jenna confronts Charlie about the bad report card where she forged Jenna’s signature and other assorted little lies. Charlie tries to explain, but Jenna is not hip to that. (“I don’t wanna hear one more story out of you!”) And by the way, Randy is out of your life, and if you ever lie again, “the result is going to be very unpleasant!” Unpleasant? What does that mean, Jenna? Will you force her to get a haircut just like yours?

Sue Ellen and JR, with him being all cranky and trying to push Sue Ellen toward a divorce. They spar for a bit, with Linda Gary looking radiant, and she makes it very clear to him that she knows exactly what he’s up to. But she has other plans. “If I don’t give you a divorce, you’re never gonna get that company!” Then she smiles.

April gets a call from Nick, “I’ll explain everything when I get back tomorrow.” Click. Then April innocently checks the phone messages on her machine at home. There’s a threatening call from JR. (No surprise.) A boring call from Bobby. Then a creepy voice saying “we found your file on Lombardi.” Okay, looks like April is going to be running from people in a dark parking lot very soon.

Bobby arrives in Washington, and meets Kaye of the now-released hair, just before some cocktail party involving senators and the Ewing Oil name thing. I don’t really get all of the details, because she’s got a huge, hideous bow on her dress and I can’t focus.

Laurel and Brett the Ex are somewhere eating, and she’s trying to explain why their relationship didn’t work. He was smothering her with his jealousy and all that. He’s not listening. He’s flying back to England tomorrow and wants her to come with him. When she balks, he snaps “don’t turn your back on your own kind.” The snooty British thing. She’s not impressed. “Stop it, or I’m leaving.”

Back to the senator gig in Washington, where everyone has conveniently already gone home. Bobby and Kaye flirt and get all mushy. Love is apparently blossoming.

Nick shows up at April’s hotel room. He’s not really happy with her. “You let the toothpaste out of the tube, and it doesn’t wanna go back in.” (Yes, he actually said that, I rewound to make sure. I’m pretty sure the Dallas writers never got an Emmy.)

Anyway, Nick tells April to just go back to her condo, they don’t want her, they want him. But if they do show up, “don’t play games, give ‘em my name and my number.” When she tries to protest, he gets all “Raging Bull” on her. “This is MY business.”

David meets up with Clayton, and tells him that he’s leaving Dallas. (Yay! We don’t like you.) But there’s one more thing. David wants 50,000 dollars from Clay. (What!) Clay: “I don’t want any more of your paintings. Oh, David’s not talking about that. He wants it as hush money or he’ll run tell Ellie. Clayton is instantly on his feet and bum-rushing the jerk. “You’re a stupid young man. If I ever hear of you approaching Ellie, you won’t live to see the next day.” Clayton got game.

Kimberly meets with her dad, telling him that his “fight with JR frightens me”. Daddy’s not scared. Kim: “It’s not worth your life!” Daddy: “Life isn’t worth anything if you’re not willing to live it.” That’s very nice, Dad, but we’re talking about JR here, who will do anything to get what he wants, especially when Miss Ellie is out of town.

JR shows up at April’s condo. She tries to be strong at first: “What do YOU want?” JR: “Sell Westar.” April: “Nope.” And by the way, I told Bobby about the boinking. So there. Well, that sets JR off, and there’s a huge fight where he’s really mean, ending with her screaming “Okay! I’ll sell!”

Poor April. She’s just not having any fun lately.

Clayton meets with Laurel, and spills about David trying to blackmail him. She seems genuinely shocked, but also not surprised. Clay: “I just want to make sure you’re not involved.” Hmm. Is she?

Sue Ellen is in her office and gets a call from Nick. She’s instantly horny. They flirt a bit and he promises to meet her later in the office. Then Kimberly marches in.

Sue Ellen: “What a joy!” Kim: “I don’t understand how you can stay with him after finding him with another woman. I could never do that.” Sue Ellen: “Of course you could, don’t put yourself down.” Kim: “I want to know when you’re getting out.” Sue Ellen, smiling: “I’m going to stay married to JR until the end of time so he can’t have you and he can’t have Westar.”

Linda Gray is a goddess.

Cliff rushes into JR’s office. “Westar stock is falling!” JR’s not worried. Cliff: “I’m gonna sell mine!” JR: “If I don’t have your proxies, then it’s goodbye pipeline. I’ll cut you off.” Cliff looks all sad and rejected. Dude, you knowingly slept with the devil. Did you think there would be puppies and rainbows?

Bobby meets with April, he’s thought about what she said, and even though it was fun, he’s ending the relationship. April thinks it’s the slap and tickle with JR. Actually, no, Bobby can understand the JR thing. Really? April: “So it’s ME you don’t want.”

Do the script writers just hate April? Did she do something to them?

Back to Sue Ellen’s office, where Nick has just arrived. Sue Ellen is all excited and feeling free. She’s going to do whatever she wants, screw JR. But Nick cuts the party short: It’s not good timing, personal problems, need to be invisible, can’t see you for a while, or call you, you have to trust me, be in touch as soon as I can, blah, blah, blah. Okay, bye.

Guess Sue Ellen washed her hair for no reason.

Cut to Ray and Jenna’s mansion late at night, where Charlie is doing a bad job of sneaking out of the house. Trying to use the front door, no less. Ray catches her. “Where are you going?” Jenna races down the stairs. “We need to talk!” Then they all glare at each other.

Final scene, April, looking really haggard after a long day where everybody keeps yelling at her or saying they don’t want her, is straggling up to her condo. And here come the gangsters that we’ve been expecting all the time, rushing up and grabbing her.

Girl just can’t get a break.

#86 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 21

So we start out at South Fork, where Bobby confronts JR about his involvement with the Lisa thing. JR does his usual snarky "not really my fault" thing, which enrages Bobby and we get lots of yelling. Suddenly, Miss Ellie barges in and tells both of them to break it up or "you're off this ranch!". Wow. Miss Ellie talking all street. Maybe she's still hung-over?

Then we have Bobby arriving at Cliff's, letting him know that Lisa is back in town. Cliff: "What?" Bobby: "She's been working for JR." Cliff discreetly gulps, he's been working for JR as well. Hell, who ISN'T working for JR at this point?) Cliff: "I'll do anything to help."

April, having a spiralling paranoia moment in her condo. The newspaper says that Larry Doyle's been murdered! She discovers that her Lombardi file is missing! She calls Nick! I have to see you!

Ellie and Mavis again, eating something at yet another restaurant. Ellie fesses about being worried that Clayton is having an affair, offering up skimpy evidence to support this. (They were standing in the same ROOM!) Mavis counters this with her own revelation that Punk had an affair (really? with whom? Helen Keller?), but that she just put up with it until it ended, because she didn't want to lose him. Ellie, face all crinkly, is not sure she can be that complacent.

JR is meeting with Harry, his evil little henchman. "We have got to find Lisa!" (She's wearing a big, ugly hat, people, work with that.) As Harry rushes off to do this, Kimberly marches in, pissed. "If you gain control of Westar without me, will you still want me?" (Um, he never wanted you to begin with, but anyway.) JR smoothly lies his way out of it, and then there's some yucky fake passionate kissing.

Laurel is meeting with David, her artist friend (and recipient of Clays' loan). He's trying to convince Laurel to keep the "relationship" with Clay going, because he's rich. Laurel: "What an awful thing to say." On cue, Laurel's mysterious "ex" from England walks up. David then runs off to let Laurel deal with it, because he's such a classy guy.

Brett, the ex, still wants Laurel back, he has so much he can offer. Laurel: "You're offering me a beautiful prison." Really? Just WHAT happened back in the UK? That sounds so much more intriguing than learning that Punk Anderson had sex with his secretary.

Cut to Ray and Jenna's House of Denial. Jenna is all pouty, having found Charlie's report card, and the grades suck. "She's always been a straight-A student." (Um, we've seen her go to school ONCE in the last 80 seasons. We'll have to take your word for it.)

Ray: "This has happened since our marriage!" Jenna: "I think she's testing us!" Ray: "She's trying to tear us apart! Maybe we should send her to a private school!" (Sure, that's going to help things, when Charlie doesn't have Brad Pitt to carry her books.) Jenna: "Don't you think that's a little drastic?" Then Jenna looks in a mirror to confirm that her hair is still unnaturally straight.

Nick and April pull up alongside each other in separate cars in a dark and mysterious parking lot. April starts babbling away about her investigation into Nick's possible past, it was just a "lark", and now people are dead and everything. Nick: "What are you not telling me?" April: "The file's missing. They know about your father." Nick: "I'm so tempted to hit you right now." Very manly response, right?

April: "Why do they want from you?" Nick: "Don't go home, go to a hotel and stay there until you hear from me." Then he squeals out of the parking lot. April starts violently crying, looking like a forlorn poodle that's not getting any wet food tonight.

Sue Ellen, Bobby, and JR at South Fork, with Sue breaking the news that Ellie has suddenly left on vacation. Clayton walks in. JR is bitchy to him about Ellie leaving. Clay tells him to shut up. (You GO!) Then Bobby is bitchy about JR and the Lisa thing.. Then they all just glare at each other with hate-filled eyes.

Quick shot of Miss Ellie, wandering around and looking pale and tragic on a beach, with screaming birds flying all around. Where did you take this vacation, Miss E? Hitchcock Land?

Clay's in his office, and David the sleazy artist arrives. He's painted another portrait of Laurel, and he wants Clay to buy that one too, because he needs the money. This guy is just a jerk. Yet amazingly, Clay writes him another check. As the jerk leaves, he spouts "I promise that your wife will never hear anything about Laurel from me."

Clay, just have him killed, it will save you heartache and money in the end. Laurel won't mind, seriously.

Nick is arriving at a house in somewhere that is clearly not Dallas, and inside the house we learn that his daddy is NOT dead. Neither is his momma, and they fawn over him like he's biblical. Nick warns dad that "they will find you". Dad: "We're not moving again. We're ready to face this." Nick doesn't care for that option. "We'll have to do this the OTHER way?"

Other way? What? Actually, I really don't care. Next.

Sly tells JR that she "has to talk", and fesses up about her budding relationship with Casey. JR's not bothered at all. "I'd pick your brain, too. It's alright. Casey never stops trying." JR never worries about guest stars getting the better of him. He knows he's coming back next week.

Then we see Casey meeting with Kimberly, which is a nice surprise and perks up the story line a bit. She called HIM. She wants to talk about JR, the Westar takeover, and lining up the stockholder votes to get what she wants. Interested? Casey: "Depends on the benefits." Kimberly smiles slyly. How about a position with the company?

Wouldn't THAT be a hoot? Kimberly causes JR to lose his Westar bid, and he has to watch Casey run the company. I'd drink a beer to that.

So it's time for Christopher's custody trial.

First we deal with Lisa, who's all "I am Christopher's real family" and such. Bobby's lawyer makes her fess up that JR was paying all her expenses, and he's a bad guy. Lisa: "I didn't care." Lawyer: "Hasn't this been blackmail from the beginning?"

Hell, it's been blackmail since the beginning of the series, but anyway.

Then we have Sue Ellen, with some truly horrifying hair, testifying. She had believed that JR was the father of Christopher, and "it was a cloud on our marriage for a long time." ONE cloud, sweetie. One of many. Then we have lots of flashbacks, and in one of them she tells Bobby that JR is the daddy.

So Bobby takes the stand and fills in the rest. Jeff Faraday contacted him, wanting hush money, this went on for a while, and finally Bobby just bought the baby. Oh, and it was Jeff's baby after all. Kristen miscarried JR's baby. (And apparently got pregnant again within a few hours to make the timeline work out.)

Interesting side note: Ray and Jenna are watching in the courtroom. Remember, in the first few seasons, Ray slept with everybody. I'm sure he was sweating just a wee bit. Christopher could be HIS baby.

Final scene, with just Bobby, Lisa and Christopher in the Judge's chambers. The judge asks Chris what HE wants to do. And Christopher really sells it about loving his daddy and wanting to be with him. Very touching. So of course, Lisa: "I'll drop the case."

Great. That story thread has been wrapped up. Now, can we travel to England and find out what weird thing Brett did to make Laurel flee the country and hook up with the sleazy artist guy and then make friends with Clayton so that Miss Ellie can get all neurotic and roll around on a beach with angry birds? I'd appreciate that.

#85 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 20

So we start out in the breakfast room at South Fork, with JR being mean to Teresa the maid. Then Sue Ellen wanders down and is mean to JR. Miss Ellie totters up, and is all unfocused because she’s worried about what Clayton is up to. Then Bobby comes in. (Are these people lined up outside the door? What is going on?) Bitchy things are said, and then they all leave.

Once again, no one has touched a morsel of the breakfast food that Teresa has lovingly prepared.

Cut to Ray and Jenna’s house, where Charlie has taken mom’s advice, and she apologizes for being a lying slut. Ray grudgingly accepts, and they all decide to start fresh with a clean slate, including letting Charlie see Randy. Hurray! Charlie gets to snuggle with Brad Pitt some more.

Ellie meets Mavis at lunch to discuss more boring details involving charity hospital beds. Ellie is still unfocused, paying no attention. Mavis tries to pry, but Ellie brushes her off, forlornly announcing there’s “something I have to do.” What? Find some real dialogue?

Quick scene with Clay and Laurel at his office. Nothing important, but we have to establish that the two ARE indeed at his office, otherwise a later scene just won’t work.

Sue Ellen and Nick traipse into Cliff’s office, wanting to talk about why Cliff is basically helping JR take over Westar, buying all that stock and such. Cliff, clearly having not watched the last several seasons, offers Sue Ellen a drink. Then he fesses up that JR is basically blackmailing him (that whole easement mess where Sly dressed up like a country tart and rode a porch railing.) Sue Ellen is not happy to hear about this.

Scene with JR and Kimberly. He continues to waffle about how long it will take to get Sue Ellen out of the house, and she continues showing her displeasure about his tardiness, tossing out the line “maybe you’re not worth waiting for.”

Cut back to Clayton’s office, with he and Laurel parading out the front door of the building. He’s being a little cozy, with his arm around her as they walk, but it’s really nothing. Of course, Miss Ellie spies them from afar, scrunches up her face and starts to tremble.

Bobby jets to Washington to meet with a couple of the senators who might be able to help him get the Ewing Oil name back. They are a little stodgy at first, but the second that he offers to make campaign contributions, everybody’s best friends.

During the discussion, there’s a senator’s aide with her hair tightly pulled up in a menacing bun on her head. It obviously doesn’t go with the rest of her couture, so she know that nest is coming down soon. Sure enough, at the end of the meeting, she offers to take him to the airport, and we all know what that means.

Sue Ellen arrives at South Fork, and the ugly Ewing grandkids, John Ross and Christopher, are nearly bursting with the exciting news that Miss Ellie is drunk. (Really?) Sue Ellen goes to Miss Ellie’s room, and there she is, sprawled across the bed and looking haggard.

Sue Ellen: “Wanna talk?” Ellie: “Let’s talk about disappointment. You know a lot about that.” Ellie swigs down some more of whatever. Sue Ellen: “Are you mad at me?” Ellie: “Nope. I just want the world to go away.”

Miss Ellie rambles some more, either forgetting her lines or doing some method-acting, because most of it doesn’t make any sense. Then she drunkenly screams at Sue Ellen to just get OUT, then grabs another bottle. Throughout the whole scene, I’m wondering if Linda Gray and Barbara Bel accidentally picked up each other’s script.

Back to Bobby and the Senator’s aide (“Kaye?”), in the back of a limo. Her wares are clearly up for grabs, but Bobby’s got other things to worry about.

Quick scene with JR telling Sly to sell all her Westar stock, then he marches out of the room to go confuse somebody else. Sly, as usual, looks pensive for a moment, then she gets that look which means, well, if JR said to do it, it must be God’s work, and off she goes.

Next day, Clay tries chatting with a hung-over Miss Ellie, hoping for details. In response to his asking why she would drink alone, she yells “There was nobody here to drink WITH!” (Nobody to drink with at South Fork? Did you not leave your room? And I’m sure Teresa would have appreciated a nip or two.) But she doesn’t tell Clay what is really on her mind.

Clay and Laurel at a showing for her artist friend. When she wanders off to study a really ugly piece of sculpture, the artist hits Clay up for a loan. And Clay gives it to him. This makes no sense, so something must be in the works for a later episode.

Ray and Jenna’s house, where they are spelling out the new “dating rules” to Charlie and Randy. Both kids promise to be on their best behavior, swearing and all that, so you know it’s only a matter of time before there’s a big mess of trouble. And the whole scene I’m thinking, wow, Brad Pitt has really grown as an actor. Based on his work here, I’m surprised we ever saw him again.

April asks Bobby to stop by her condo, where she goes into a long, rambling g speech about when she first arrived in Dallas, hungry for power, and “I was gonna do anything. She fesses up to Bobby about bumping uglies with JR the one time. Now he’s blackmailing her with this Westar thing, and she’s had it. “Now you know everything.” Bobby is very, very quiet.

Then Bobby is suddenly back at his office (the magic of TV!), and Ray comes through the door. It’s a little tense at first, but Ray apologizes for his harsh words when Bobby tried to stand up for Charlie, and next thing you know they’re best buddies again.

April arrives at her condo after what looks like a day of pointless shopping, to find that the police are there and her condo has been trashed. A detective asks her “You know of anything that might be missing?” (She’s been there approximately 5 seconds, how could she know?) Detective: “Anybody after you?” April: “Uhh…” Detective: “I see. Well, let us know if you think of anything. Boys, let’s go.” And the whole squad races out the door.

Miss Ellie gets a call from Clayton. He’s going to be out of town on business, gone for a few days, he’ll let her know. Ellie hangs up, bursts into tears, and screams “Damn you Clayton!” Honey, isn’t there a nice doctor you can call for some cute little pills? Because you need them.

At South Fork, Bobby gets a call from one of his lawyer guys, Paul. Seems Lisa is back in town, and a custody hearing for Christopher is on for next week. Bobby is appropriately surprised and confused, probably trying to remember who Lisa is, because this episode’s script had a lot of pages, what with Miss Ellie getting drunk and all.

Finally, we have JR meeting with Kimberly’s dad, waffling once more about how long it will be before he can marry darling Kimberly. Then JR tries a different approach, telling Daddy that maybe “you’ll have to separate Kimberly from my running Westar.”

This does not sit well with Daddy. JR marries Kimberly or there’s no company for JR to run. So JR brings up the fact that Westar stock is falling (because he had Sly sell her shares), and actually threatens Daddy by implying that he can do even more damage.

Daddy: “Bring it on.”

#70 - Dallas - Season 11, Episode 19

Opening scene is just JR and Miss Ellie having breakfast at South Fork. JR makes some comment about how the breakfast table used to be packed with people back in the day. Then JR, probably realizing just as we do that the lack of diners is probably his fault, says something lame about how he's trying to work it out with Bobby. Miss Ellie: "I really don't care."

Well then.

Quick scene with Bobby talking to the lawyer (Paul?) who is handling the Lisa-wants-Christopher lawsuit. Lawyer: "Without Lisa, there's no trial." Of course, everyone in the viewing audience doesn't believe for a minute that Lisa has really left town.

Clayton is having a meal with Laurel. She's brought along lots of old newspapers showing that Clayton was "big news" in San Angelo back in the day. (How a bonsai pruner managed to get these yellowed papers is something we'll have to ponder another day.) Bottom line, Laurel stresses to Clayton that his life is not over

Nicholas at Sue Ellen's office. He and his hair apologize for the way he acted last night. Then he launches into some dirt he's got on the Westar thing, namely that Cliff bought a big chunk of stock. Sue Ellen: "Tell me about corporate take-overs." (Like she doesn't know, married to JR? Please.) Nick explains that the key here is a certain doctor who holds a buttload of stock, and he's Kimberly Cryder's father.

Bobby talking to Sam Culver, the "take back the Ewing name" is in full swing. It's an election year, so Bobby should look into making targeted campaign donations, but things look awfully rosy. (Again, WHY does Sam care?)

Scene with Cliff and Jackie, where Cliff carries on his tradition of being an ass to Jackie, but we do learn that Cliff is realizing JR is up to something with Westar.

Sue Ellen with John Ross, where Mommy pumps her glowing son for intel on JR. Great. (In some places, one would consider this child abuse, but this is Texas. Besides, we hate JR, so abuse away.) John Ross confirms that JR is indeed planning something big with Westar.

Quick scene with JR and Kimberly Cryder, where they are plotting an invented tryst between the two of them so that Sue Ellen can walk in on it.

Sue Ellen visits Bobby at his office. Sue Ellen: "We have a common enemy." (JR, obviously.) Sue Ellen: "It's over between JR and me." Bobby: Divorce? Sue Ellen: Hell no. "That's what he wants." Bobby: By the way, I think I might be able to get the Ewing Oil name back. Sue Ellen: "I'll do anything to keep JR from getting it."

Do you think she's bitter?

Phone-call scene between JR and April, where he is torturing her about telling Bobby that they spanked the monkey. Not sure why they're letting JR go so over the top with April. Are we setting up another "Who shot JR?" arc? Not sure.

Casey and Sly on another date. This time Sly has a massive hairdo that could be used to demolish old buildings, so it's hard to concentrate, but Sly is clearly getting loose-lipped about JR ("I've been made president of one of his companies"), so whatever Casey is aiming for, he's getting closer.

Quick scene with Cliff and Jordan Lee, with Cliff being a total ass ("You'll want me when Westar noses around") even though it appears that Jordan is trying to be supportive. Odd scene, only including it because it looks like the foundation for another plotline.

Bobby at April's apartment, with April gently edging in to how Bobby feels about second-hand slap and tickle. "Who's Holly Harwood?" April gets her answer pretty quickly. Bobby: "Anything that JR touches, he fouls." Ouch. How ya gonna spin this one, April?

Sue Ellen walks in on JR and Kimberly, fully aware that it's a setup. She acts properly outraged, and then storms out, barely hiding her grin.

Sue Ellen immediately goes to Nick's place, and spills about JR and Kimberly. Nicky immediately thinks divorce. "When you gonna file?" Sue Ellen just smiles one of her satisfied grins. Of course she's not going to file. Staying married means it will jack the Westar deal for JR. But it also means "I won't be rushing home anymore." Then Sue Ellen kisses Nick and all his hair.

Laurel arrives at some house, lugging one of her pedicured bonsais. The person who answers the door has an accent just like hers (OMG!) and she is clearly not impressed. As she races away, he throws out lines like "I still love you" and "We're still going to be married", indicating that Laurel the Leaf-Lopper has some pretty serious secrets.

Bobby arrives at South Fork to find snotty Charly waiting on the patio for him. She whines about Ray grounding her for kissing Randy. Bobby buys her lame story: "Get in the car and we'll go over there."

Um, didn't Charly totally and completely HATE Bobby a few episodes back? Just sayin.

JR and April, talking about the Bobby thing. April: "You are SCUM" and "I want out". JR: "You aren't getting out." April: "You can only push me so far." But she agrees to buy more Westar stock, so April gets a demotion on my fave Dallas characters spreadsheet.

Clayton and Laurel are again dining somewhere. Clay: "I'm going back into the refinery business." Laurel: "I just want to see you happy." Then Clayton offers to provide financial backing for Laura so she can grow her business. She tells him that's really sweet, but she wants to make it on her own, it's important to her. Then she gives him a chaste little kiss on the cheek.

Interestingly enough, Miss Ellie walks into that exact restaurant at that exact time and sees the kiss. There's only 4 billion restaurants in the DFW metroplex. So this is completely believable, right?

Bobby and Charly pull up at Ray's house. There is a discussion, and Charly is a total little witch. (Have I mentioned that I don't like the Charly character? Over it.) Bobby tries to explain that Charly thinks Ray is being too hard on her, but Ray is none too happy with Bobby. "Get the hell out. I want you to leave and don't come back."

That went well.

Quick scene with Miss Ellie and Clayton, with Ellie subtly prying into what Clayton has been up to lately, but she's so typically wishy-washy and indirect that she doesn't learn anything other than Clay is "not happy doin' nothin'." So Miss Ellie gets a pinched look and once again internalizes her suffering.

Scene with Jenna and Charly, with Jenna telling Charly that "going to Bobby was the wrong thing to do" and "You hurt Ray". There's some quibbling, but they finally get back to the warm relationship that we liked about Jenna and Charly back before she discovered boys. Let's see how long THIS lasts.

Then we have Bobby and Cliff bowling with Christopher at some local lanes. (We've never seen them do this before, but anway.) They're all having a swell time. Then the camera pans to Lisa hovering nearby, trying to look inconspicuous by wearing a glaring magenta hat, enormous sunglasses, and basically looking like Greta Garbo on acid.

Guess she didn't leave town after all, ya think?

Final scene with JR walking into his and Sue Ellen's bedroom, to find her and Tuh-RAY-zuh packing up Sue Ellen's things. At first, JR can barely suppress his glee, but he tries to play the role of philandering husband that messed up. (Sue Ellen: "You've always had a difficult time being faithful.")

Then she wallops him with the twist. "I'm not giving you a divorce." We'll stay married, but we're going to lead separate lives, in separate bedrooms. When he tries to protest, she spins around with a flourish and positions herself to deliver the stinging line:

"You don't have a choice. See you at breakfast."

LOVE her.

Seriously.