#80 - True Blood - Season 2, Episode 12

Okay folks, we've got a lot to cram in, what with this being the final episode of the season. Hopefully some things will get wrapped up, but I would imagine there will be some new things for us to scratch our heads over until next year...

So we start where we left off, upstairs in Sookie's Grandma's room, with Sookie ending her wailing scream at seeing that Lafayette is all blood-eyed. And he's all bossy, too. He yells that it's time to get the egg downstairs. (Clearly, such an announcement cannot be a good thing.) Laff and Tara fiddle with the crazy egg for a bit, grunting and jumping around and whatnot, then Tara races off with the prize.

Then Laff orders Sookie to take off all her clothes. (Excuse me?) Then he shoves a dress at her, one that looks suspiciously like wedding couture of some kind, and tells her to put it on. Then they all tramp downstairs.

To what I THINK is the living room, but it's been hard to tell what room is what in this house after all that weird plant crap starting growing everywhere after Mary Ann moved in. Speaking of, Mary Ann is standing in the middle of the room, wearing Sookie's Grandmother's wedding dress. (Who knew they were the same size? How convenient) Mary Ann tells Sookie that she is going to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding tonight.

Roll opening credits.

Back to the live action. Sookie is none to happy about Mary Ann prancing around in Grandma's clothes. She tries getting this point across, but there are too many ugly bridesmaids flitting about and chattering insanely. (One of them spots Sookie and expresses her love for Sookie because "you give me extra pickles." It's going to be one of those nights.)

Even Mary Ann, queen of noise and doom, grows tired of the maids and sends them out. Mary Ann then focuses on Sookie, and wants her to do more of the weird electrical thing. Sookie, always a gracious host, tries to accomodate, but nothing happens. Mary Ann is flummoxed by Sookie, doesn't know why she can't control her with the shimmy like she can control others. It's a real nice chat and all, but can we get back to this wedding thing?

Cut to Hoyt and Momma. He's basically got her trapped in the house. She's in a tizzy, wanting to escape, because "a Gawd is comin!". He explains quite calmly that we will be dining in this evening.

Back to Mary Ann and Sookie, where Mary Ann is still miffed that she can't channel Sookie. The only other person she can't channel is Sam. And by the way, Mary Ann plans to offer Sam up as a wedding present to her new "husband". Specifically, we're talking about Sam's heart, since such things are apparently food of the gods. Nice batch of gods you got there. Hey.

Mary Ann races off to find out just where the hell Sam is, why is this taking so long, and the scene ends with an incredibly ugly headdress thing being plunked on Sookie's head. The camera lingers on this atrocity, because it truly is hideous and we apparently need to study its ugliness for a few moments.

Cut to Eric and the Queen, playing Yahtzee once again, along with a few underlings/blood whores. The Queen is toying with Eric ("Did you know there's a maenad in the Parish?") and teasing him about his thing for Sookie. Then she gets serious, warning him "Don't taste her!" Hmmm. Sookie juice a bad thing?

We then learn that it's the Queen who's forcing Eric to sell vampire blood. Oh really? And she's none too pleased that he brought it up, throwing him to the ground and threatening him that "I could own your fangs as earrings." Then they go back to playing a cordial game of Yahtzee.

Jason and Andy arrive at Sookie's house, ready to do battle with the pagan bitches. Andy's a little reluctant, but Jason is determined. "That's my grandmother's house!" And he sheds a tear, which is unexpected and touching. Then they race into the pagan mob and within ten seconds both of them are blood-eyed. Guess that plan didn't work too well.

Quick scene with Bill and Sam. Bill: "Are you aware that Mary Ann is here for YOU?" Sam just looks at him like, dude, where have you been? Bill then tells Sam that he's taking him to Sookie's and he's not giving Sam a choice in the matter. Vampires sure can be pushy sometimes.

Back to Sookie and Mary Ann. Sookie: "What's with the egg?" Well, it's an ostrich egg (which totally clears up everything, right?) and everybody is supposed to lick the egg to show devotion or praise or sheer boredom, something. I'm really not trained when it comes to tongue action during sacrificial marriages involving poultry.

Blood-eyed Jason staggers into the house, now all ready to take a part in the pageantry. His appearance of course sets Sookie off even further, and she tells Mary Ann she's not having any part of this. Mary Ann just smiles, threatens to kill Jason if Sookie doesn't get on the stage pronto, and away we go.

So now we're out in the front yard, with half the town undulating in dirty wedding wear. Bill shows up in the middle of this, dragging Sam along. Yet another thing for Sookie to twist off about, why is Bill doing this, offering Sam in exchange for Sookie? But Mary Ann's all aglow, caressing her little prize like a beloved child. Sam to Mary Ann: "This isn't for you." Mary Ann ignores this little aside and quality checks the giant offering tree to make sure there's plenty of blood and gore.

Bill whispers to Sookie: "You have to trust me."

The ceremony begins. Sam is trussed up on this wooden bier thing and carried in so the dirty deed can be performed. Mary Ann does her shimmy thing, calling on whatever it is to come marry her, and shouting incantations. Apparently part of this process involves shoving a heart into the womb of the mother. (I'm thinking that's got to be an awkward and painful activity.)

So Sam's all prepped for the gory feature act, and here comes Eggs, shoving a fancy dagger thing deep into Sam's chest. Sookie, near hysteria, still manages to get a telepathic message from dying Sam. ("Destroy all of it!") So Sookie improvises quite nicely.

While Mary Ann fiddles around with the bloody dagger that's dripping Sam's blood, Sookie races about knocking things over, ripping the artfully-placed animal organs from the offering tree, and smashing that damn egg on the ground. Hurray!

Mary Ann is not amused with this turn of events. She decides she's going to sacrifice everyone for bad sportsmanship. She does some twitchy business, then shoves her hands into the ground, pulling them back out as claws. Pretty neat trick, if I do say so. Might try that later after a few beers.

Enraged Mary Ann then thunders after the fleeing Sookie. Just when it looks like we might need a new lead actress next season, a giant bull trottles into the scene. Mary Ann pauses. What's this? Her God has finally come! Rejoice! Then the bull rears up and gores Mary Ann good and proper. Mary Ann, confused: "I am the vessel?"

No, bitch. You ain't nothin' now. The bull changes into Sam, the horn that gored Mary Ann turning into Sam's arm as he pulls back, holding Mary Ann's evil black heart. Which he then crushes. She collapses. Guess Mary Ann finally made it off the island, eh?

Instantly, all the townspeople are released from their blood-eyed captivity. Now they slowly traipse about, memories wiped, probably trying to figure out why all their sexual equipment is raw and puffy, and where they managed to find these stupid clothes. And is this Sookie's house? So many questions, so many ugly people with bad teeth.

Turns out that Sam, during Sookie's impromptu destruction of the evil wedding accoutrements, fed on Bill enough to heal and regain his strength, then transitioned into the bull to kill the confused Mary Ann. Bill to Sookie: "There was no other way of destroying her."

Cut to Hoyt and his Momma. Mom's eyes have cleared, and Hoyt realizes she's basically back to her normal self. But instead of just being happy with that, he presses Momma on why she lied about Daddy committing suicide. Oh boy. In the ensuing conversation, it's clear that Momma selfishly lied about everything so that Hoyt would never leave her. Hoyt is not happy. "I wish Jessica had finished you off."

I'm guessing Momma won't be baking Hoyt any potato-chip casseroles in the near future.

Back at Sookie's house, she orders all the dumbass townsfolk to get off her property, then she goes inside to find Tara consoling Eggs. He's really distraught about what he may have done. Well, it's nice to have honest remorse, but seriously guy, there's a lot of wack that went on. Sort it out later. As Sookie says: "We'll be cleanin' tomorrow."

Next morning, scene at Merlotte's with the townsfolk trying to figure out what caused all the blackouts. Drugs? Space aliens? Democrats? Sam, mostly to amuse himself, tells everyone there was a tainted case of vodka. Most of the crowd looks disappointed that it wasn't alien democrats.

Andy gets fed up with the rumors, and he tries to tell the truth. Jason has to pull him back. "They don't remember anything. We're heroes, Mary Ann is gone, we did that, don't matter they know."

Quick scene with Sam and Sookie. He wants to go away for a few days. (Haven't you been saying that for a while now?) Sookie wishes that people knew how special Sam was. Then some girl wanders up with a gift for Sookie. It's a purple dress. (From Bill.) Hmmm.

Then Eggs walks up (there's a lot of traffic in this scene). He wants to know about the gaps. Why was there blood on my hands? He wants Sookie to read him. She's not keen on it, but gives in. When Eggs sees that he killed Miss Jeanette, Daphne and almost killed Sam, he can't take it and runs off. Then you shouldn't have asked, Eggs. Geez. You're kind of whiny for a big guy.

Quick scene with Bill and Jessica. He thinks Hoyt is good for Jessica, and she agrees, in fact she's going over right now to make an apology for, you know, making a snack of his mother. And Bill fesses that he's taking Sookie to a French restaurant. Very sweet. But seriously, is anybody really interested in eating right now?

Sam shows up at his "parent's" home, where he apparently hasn't been in quite some time. Mom: "Never thought we'd see you again." Sam: "You abandoned me." (Well, they did see you turn into a dog and run off, let's be fair.) Sam wants to meet his "real" parents. (Oh, so he's adopted. Now I'm thinking, TWO sets of parents abandoned you? Do you really wanna take this path?)

"Mom" leads Sam back to a room where "Dad" is cleary very ill. Dad gives Sam some information on how to find his parents. And we now have a plot point for season 3.

Cut to Jessica in the cab of a semi-trailer with a trucker. She bites him. What the hell? Girl, you were supposed to be headed to Hoyt's to kiss and make up. Did the flannel shirts and smell of diesel fuel distract you?

Hoyt shows up with flowers at Bill's door, obviously looking for Jessica. No answer. He leaves the flowers and walks away. I am NOT going to be happy if this relationship gets jacked with. Just want to get that on the record.

Cut to Bill and Sookie at a fancy French restaurant that Bill has rented out. It's romantic and they dance. (But am I the only one out there that's a little bored with the Bill and Sookie thing? Just wondering.)

Back to Merlotte's parking lot, where Eggs shows up with the evil dagger and begs Deputy Andy to arrest him. Sadly, Jason chooses that moment to wander out of the restaurant, sees Eggs waving a knife at Andy, pulls a gun, and shoots him. Dead. Andy grabs the gun and tells Jason to get the hell out of there.

Of course, the sound of gunfire has all the patrons of Merlotte's running outside to see what's up, including Tara. She sees Eggs' body and goes into full wail mode. Girl has just not had a happy life down here in the swamps.

Back to the fancy French restaurant. Bill surprises Sookie with tickets to Vermont. And then proposes marriage while proffering a ring box. (Vermont? Sly tribute to compassionate states that believe love should triumph over bigotry and hate? Hope so.) But it's a bit much and a bit fast for Sookie. She needs to visit the powder room to clear her head.

Once in the Necessary Room, Sookie realizes that she's being stupid and she IS in love. She puts on the ring and races back to the main room of the restaurant to share her joy with Bill.

To find that Bill is gone. And his chair is overturned. There's been a struggle, and Bill did not go willingingly.

Roll credits.

#67 - True Blood - Season 2, Episode 11

We open where we left off, with Bill in the "reception room" of The Queen. (Does this chick have a name? I haven't caught it so far if she does.) The Queen is feeding on some reclining little bloodwhore, which explains the cryptic dripping blood we spied in the final scene from the last episode.

Turns out The Queen is very sassy, with perfectly coiffed hair. She seems to know Bill quite well. Won't you join me?

Cut to Hoyt yanking the feeding Jessica off his momma over at Bill's house. He's not happy with Jessica, and he yells some hateful things at her while storming out of the house, dragging momma along, and leaving Jessica all alone. (Dude, you need to chill. Your momma is mean and SOMEBODY had to shut her up.)

Back to Bill and The Queen. Bill just wants to know how to kill the nasty-ass Mary Ann maenad thing. The queen is intrigued about the maenad angle. ("Orgies? Sacrifice? Cannabalism? Fun!") Sorry, Bill. You can't kill them. But Sookie's not in any trouble. Won't you stay the night? I insist.

Cut to Sookie, Lafayette, Tara, and Tara's crazy momma. Tara REALLY wants to go save Eggs. This is not a popular thought with the rest of the room. They handcuff Tara to a coffee table using Laff's pink furry handcuffs. Tara says hateful things to everyone to show that she is not pleased with this arrangement.

Zip over to Sam, Jason and Andy, wondering what to do about Mary Ann. Jason has all the good lines in this scene: "WE have got to be the law. We need weapons." and "Sometimes you have to destroy something to save it. That's in the Bible. Or the Constitution."

Then Sam spies some dirty little kids spying on them from a window. He chases down the little munchkins and they turn out to be Arlene's offspring. Jason and Andy head off to the sherrif's office to do... something.

Back over to the Tara holding facility. Laff and Sookie are outside, where Sook gets a text from Bill that he'll be late for dinner. Sookie makes an offhand comment that she is now working for Eric. Laff is puzzled by the remark. I am too. Did I miss something.

Inside the house, Tara is really working her mom, trying to get Moms to release her. Tara: "I forgive you for everything. And that's a LOT." Then Tara and Mom get all deep with the discussion. God. Satan. Somebody knocking on a door. But all Tara really wants is to get out of the damn furry pink handcuffs.

Back to Sam and Arlene's kids. The Kids about Arlene: "She seems crazy. Kissing Terry, her eyes all weird. We need a vampire!" See, just let the kids run things, know what I'm saying? They get right to the point. They haven't learned to play stupid adult games yet.

Back to the Tara Correctional Facility. Sookie and Laff, both having drunk from Eric, are all schoolgirl giggly about the weird sex dreams they have about Eric. Then Tara's mom breaks the mood by coming outside and tricking Laff and getting his gun away from him. So then Big Momma breaks Tara out of the joint, and Tara races away in Sookie's car, AFTER she asks Sookie for the keys and Sookie gives them to her. There's some stupid up in here, y'all.

Andy and Jason arrive at the police station, where Jason pretends to be interested in a blood-eyed slut while Andy searches for weapons.

Back over to Tara's former holding cell, where Tara's mom is still waving a gun around. Sookie grabs something off a table and beans Momma good. Laff grabs the gun and they drive off, leaving Momma to contemplate a return to alcoholism.

Sam and Arlene's kids arrive at Fangtasia. Sam pays the prone-to-hysterical-screaming blonde waitress to let them in so they can wait for Eric to show up.

Quick scene with Sookie and Laff in the car, racing to Sookie's house. Sookie: "I need you to suck it up and shoot Mary Ann in the head."

Tara gets to Sookie's house before them, and finds Eggs acting all sad and lonely. Of course, he's still got the blood eyes, but Tara stupidly overlooks this and tries to comfort him. Then Mary Ann stomps into the room. Tara tries to be strong: "I want OUT. You don't want me. You want Sam." Mary Ann smiles sweetly, so you know she doesn't mean it, and says "But YOU summoned me."

Say what?

Mary Ann: You know, when you went to the crazy voodoo woman in that tacky trailer in the woods and had her do that exorcism and all? Well, somebody said the magic words at some point and here I am. Praise me.

Great. Blame the black girl just who's just trying to make a living and pay the light bill.

But Tara still wants out. Turns out all Mary Ann has to do is slap Tara. She gets all blood-eyed again and she runs upstairs with Eggs to either fornicate or play Twister. Who knows.

Then Terry and his merry band of blood-eyed cohorts arrive, all excited, and tell Mary Ann that "the one who comes" done came and smote Sam. Mary Ann is not pleased with the mental abilities of her death squad, and does a weird screechy thing to show her displeasure.

Cut to Hoyt and HIS momma, where we find out that Hoyt's daddy was not killed by robbers breaking into the house in the middle of the night. No, Daddy killed himself because he was a homosexual. ("That man liked to dance more than a normal man should.") Momma just lied about what happened so she could collect the insurance.

Poor Hoyt. Seriously.

Scene with Sookie and Laff arriving at Sookie's house, attempting to sneak in, but they are stopped by blood-eyed Terry and Arlene. Laff lures them away with drugs while Sookie races inside. (Just go with it.)

Sam finally meets with Eric at Fangtasia. Sam explains that he needs help with the maenad Mary Ann. Eric: "What's in it for me? Can you get me Sookie?" (Eric, dumbass, can you focus for two seconds?) Sam: "Until somebody starts trusting somebody we're all single targets." Pam: "That thing owes me a pair of shoes." Then Eric announces that he's going to see someone who might be able to help, and he shoots up into the sky. Okay, then. Vampires can fly. At least one of them.

Sookie sneaks into her own house (with a lovely purse on her arm, like this is charm school, what's up with that?), and there are crazy people everywhere. Someone is naked in the sink. That's pleasant. When one of the crazies on the kitchen floor starts making a lot of noise, Sookie decides to spoon with him to calm his nerves. What the hell? This scene is just stupid.

Cut back to The Queen's abode, where Queen and Bill are reviewing a lineup of various runway models to feast on. Bill is not interested. Queen: "But I need you at your best to play Yahtzee." The Queen proffers a scantily-clad male model, and Bill, perhaps out of boredom, feeds. The Queen: "I love watching two men together."

Back at Sookie's, Laff encounters Mary Ann. He tries to shoot her, but the bullet deflects and instead kills Karl, the weird chef/foot massager. Uh oh.

And back over to The Queen's, where the Yahtzee game is in full swing. Bill can't take it anymore and says he has to leave. Really, not kidding. The Queen sighs and gives in, but offers Bill some parting words of advice. The maenads are "still waiting for gods that never show." The key here is to convince Mary Ann that Dionysus has come.

Bill pauses. Really? How so? The Queen: The maenads are looking for perfect vessels. "Supernatural beings." Okay, then. There's the Sam connection. As Bill stomps out, one of The Queen's blood whores asks him, "How's my cousin Sookie?" It really IS a small world.

As Bill moodily exits, Eric arrives. There's some pointless alpha male bickering, but Bill ends it with: "I will tell The Queen that you are forcing humans to sell vampire blood." Sounds like a bitch slap to me.

Scene with Jason and Andy, where we learn that Andy is really jealous of Jason and all the ho's he bags. Typical male thing, right? Then Jason lets him know that it ain't all that. And besides, "we have got to save this town". And they floor it to Sookie's house.

Where we see that Sookie is still stupidly spooning with the crazy blood-eye on the kitchen floor. Luckily, she's apparently gotten bored with that, so she beans him with a frying pan and races upstairs.

To find Tara and Eggs in Gram's room, destroying her things and making a nest for a giant egg that's plopped in the middle of Gram's bed. Can we possibly get any weirder?

Yes, we can. Something touches Sookie on the shoulder. She turns around to find that it's Lafayette.

And he's blood-eyed.

Great.

#61 - True Blood - Season 2, Episode 10

We start off with another dream sequence, where Sookie is encountering a seductive Eric and she is all a quiver with thoughts of him sinking his fangs into her. So much for Sookie thinking she can avoid this little side effect of sucking bullets out of Eric's chest.

Then we have Sookie and Eric heading back to Bon Temps, with Bill nestled in one of those "Anubis Air" casket thingies. They roll into town, and discover that the place is a mess, with weird-eyed townsfolk acting all crazy and getting hit by cars.

Cut to Mary Ann and Eggs and the butler guy at Sookie's house, building this huge thing that includes cuts of prime meat and feathers, and sure looks like something you would use to sacrifice unappreciative people in a randy ceremony.

Then we're over at Deputy Andy's, where he's just arrived with some supplies for the formerly naked Sam. Andy's a bit drunk, so Sam has to explain to him again that Mary Ann is this demon creature thing, that she's immortal, has super powers, and desperately wants Sam. Andy wonders why she would want him so. Sam is not certain, but he's sure that part of it involves a need to "cut out my heart while a bunch of naked people watch."

Then Sam gets a call from Arlene. She's at Merlotte's and she is really, really scared. If Sam had any sense, he would realize that if evil people were trying to find him, they would probably look for him at Merlotte's. After all, that's where they staged Daphne for him to find, and that didn't work out so well, did it? But no, Sam and Andy head to Merlotte's.

Sookie, Bill and Jason arrive at Bill's house, where they find Jessica, Hoyt, and, interestingly enough, Hoyt's momma. Momma is all weird-eyed, and not being a very pleasant guest. She's racing around, saying filthy things about everybody and just being rude.

Hoyt tries to explain the latest happenings around town and, although everyone seems to have gone off the rails, the hot spots appear to be Sookie's house and Merlotte's.

Sookie and Bill head to her house, and Jason heads to Merlotte's, despite Sookie's misgivings on that ("This would be one of those times to use your head") and the fact that part of the reason Jason is headed to Merlotte's is that apparently a new waitress has been hired while he was off serving God. Despite the fact that said waitress (Daphne) is now dead and has been served as an entree.

Sam and Andy arrive at Merlotte's, and it's a total trap, as we all expected. They manage to barricade themselves in the freezer, but not before Andy grabs a bottle of liquor just before the door slams shut.

Cut to Tara, bound to a chair at Lafayette's, while Laff and Mom try to talk some sense into her. Tara all crazy and mean. Mom prays for her and, surprisingly, Laff prays as well. ("Just because YOU may not like what I do don't mean I don't talk to Jesus.")

Did anybody on the far right hear that last line? Just checking.

Sookie and Bill arrive at Sookie's house, notice the sacrifice tree thing in the yard, and discover the house is a mess. Laff calls Sookie. "Where are you? Get OUT of that house!"

Mary Ann saunters into the room. "What are you doing in MY house?" Sookie is not well about that. "YOUR house?" But the cat fight is not fairly balanced, what with Mary Ann being immortal and all, and Mary Ann slams Sookie into the wall.

Bill, of course, fangs out about that and attacks Mary Ann, ripping into her throat. What's this? Her blood is all black and nasty, and Bill weakens. Then Sookie jumps back into it, and when she touches Mary Ann's forehead, there's a weird light power that shoots out and pushes Mary Ann back. Really? What is THAT all about?

No time for analysis, as Sookie races out the door with Bill. But Mary Ann is very intrigued with the light show, wondering aloud "What ARE you?" as Sookie and Bill zip off into the night.

Quick scene with Sam and Andy bonding over the booze bottle as they wait for their circumstances to change while trapped in the freezer at Merlotte's.

Jason and his ammo from Light of Day arrive at Merlotte's. He encounters total sex mayhem taking place all over the bar. (The old guy with the young chippie on the pool table? I won't sleep tonight.) Everybody basically ignores his weaponry until Jason has a moment of inspiration and grabs Arlene as a hostage, threatening to kill her unless they get the hell out.

The weird-eyed masses just laugh, but we see Terry's eyes clear just a bit when he realizes it's Arlene in jeopardy. (Hmmm. Does Mary Ann's power diminish when true love is involved? Just asking.) Terry, who is the self-appointed sergeant in this unit, orders everyone to leave, and they do.

Scene with Sookie barrelling down a highway, while Bill is puking Mary Ann's bad blood out the window. He takes a break long enough to offer some insight: "Tara's been under the influence of Mary Ann. Maybe she can help."

Back at Merlotte's, Jason gets Andy and Sam out of the freezer, just as Terry and his crew come back in for round two. They want Sam. Surprisingly, Sam gives himself up just to save Jason and Andy.

Back over to Lafayette's pad, where Tara is chanting in a foreign language and he and Tara's mom are having no success. Laff: "This is the worst intervention in history."

Just then, a little V-addict knocks on Laff's door looking for a score. Bill and Sookie have just arrived, and when Bill hears this exchange he zips up to the house to kick some pusher ass. Laff to Bill: "Hold up. Eric has me selling this." Another layer to the Bill and Eric onion.

Sookie goes inside with Tara, and tries to read her. It's all dark, she can't see anything. Bill: "Go further than ever." Sook: "There's an abyss I can't cross." Bill: "I will glamour her."

Back to Merlotte's, the angry mob is tying Sam to a truck. Then suddenly bright lights fill the sky (they're just flares from Jason's Light of Day stock) and there's Jason trying to act like the god that all these blood-eyed people are waiting for. They are in awe.

Sam, realizing the gig, begs Jason/God to smite him. It takes dim Jason a bit to figure out what Sam is saying, then he does as requested and performs smite-like actions. Sam uses the ruse to transition into a fly and buzz away. Jason, not sure what's going on, then tells the blood-eyed disciples, "You're all blessed. Now go." They do.

Back at Laff's, Bill's glamour has worked, and Sookie is in Tara's head. She sees all the Mary Ann shenanigans, including the lusty rituals and the heart entree. Something snaps and Tara is back with us.

Tara bonds with Mom and Laff, she's been such a bad girl, please forgive. But wait, "I gotta go get Eggs!" Laff stops her. Girl, we got bigger fish to fry.

Sookie pulls Bill to the side. "It's Mary Ann!" With her eating hearts, and wanting souls, and this chant thing that goes blah, blah, blah. Bill recognizes the chant, something he read about Bacchus during his long life of boredom that comes with being a vampire where there are years with nothing to do. Bill didn't really believe all that mess until now.

Bill tells Sookie that he's headed off to meet with someone that might be able to help. In the mean time, Sookie should try to keep her friends safe, and "stay away from your home." Then he's off.

Cut over to Bill's house, where Jessica and Hoyt are still dealing with his mom being a vulgar and rude guest. Mom keeps spewing filth until Jessica has had enough. The fangs come out, and she feeds on Mom. Uh oh.

Final scene, Bill has arrived at some lavish estate. High-tech security is everywhere. They seem to be expecting him, and he is promptly ushered in. He enters some type of greeting chamber thing, and all we see is him spying someone's foot with blood dripping from it.

And cut.

What the hell?

#52 - True Blood - Season 2, Episode 9

We start with a quick scene outside the Dallas vamp camp, with Lorena trying to salvage her relationship with Bill, crying those nasty blood tears and everything. Bill: "You are dead to me."

Then Luke, the walking time-bomb from Light of Day, (hey, that pretty much describes everyone in that place, right?) pulls the trigger and rocks the vamp camp house.

Bill races back inside, searching for Sookie, and he finds that Eric has protected Sookie by shielding her from the silver bullets, taking them himself. (A little part of you is all, that is SO sweet, but it's Eric, so who knows what's up.) Eric tells Bill to "get the humans" who did this before they get away.

Bill zips outside and rips open some human necks. He saves the life of the last one, telling this guy to get his ass back to Light of Day and let them know that the vamps are the ones that held back, and it's the God Squad that kicked it up a notch. Game on.

Meanwhile, back in the vamp house, it appears that Eric is dying. He convinces a skeptical Sookie that he can't heal himself because silver bullets were used. Okay then, she'll go get Godric. NO, there's no time for that. You'll have to suck the silver bullets out of me.

Sookie, who clearly has no love for Eric, goes against her better judgement and starts a suckin, spitting the bullets and the blood out as she works away. There's an extended scene where she has to use G-force suction to get a bullet out of his chest, and once again we have a True Blood moment that mixes erotica with oh-my-GOD this should be nasty and wrong. Is it hot in here?

Bill shows back up, and he is none too pleased with Sookie playing candy striper. He lets Sookie know that Eric didn't need any help, he was already healing. He did this just so you would drink his blood and now he's in your head. Now he nows where you are and what you feel. Eric just smiles and says "it was good for me".

Great.

Later, at the vampire hotel, with Sookie and Bill. Sook: "I sucked his chest, what is WRONG with me?" Bill: "The worst thing is that you'll now feel sexual attraction for him" on top of, you know, him knowing exactly what you are doing at any given time.

Lovely.

Jessica and Hoyt at Bill's house, discussing her eternal virginity. Jessica: "Maybe there's an operation." Hoyt: "That thing that grows back? It's just a thing." We'll deal with it. Awww. Then Hoyt says he wants Jessica to meet his Momma. She's all gushy and excited about that, but I'm thinking, girl, you don't want Momma in this equation. Seriously.

But the sun is rising, and Jessica needs to get her beauty sleep. Hoyt offers to sleep with her, but that's still a private thing, it's dirty and creepy down there in the cellar or whatever it is. So they compromise. She wanders down to the crypt, and he stays outside the door, singing to her a song he makes up so she will know he's there while she falls asleep.

Okay, if the tenderness of THAT doesn't grab you, you have no heart. Word.

Then we have Tara and Eggs at Sookie's house, covered in bruises from their little rough-sex encounter spurred on by eating Daphne's heart. (Do you think you'll ever see a sentence like that again?) Mary Ann wanders in and babbles on about how "we need to be out of control" and that nothing is finer than when people "lose themselves and unite with their god".

Okay, we (or at least I) still don't know what the scoop is with Mary Ann, the twitching demon of carnality at campfires, but don't you think it's about time that a somewhat-sane person arrives on the scene to kill Mary Ann. She crazy. Then again, she's got some wild-ass powers, so make sure she's really dead when you take her out.

Brief scene of Sam still in jail, along with half the clueless townsfolk who don't know why they're in the slammer. Someone screams out "All I did was lose my pants, there's no law against that." Well, there probably IS, but that's the least of your worries.

Scene with Sookie and Jason, they can't sleep, and they finally open up to each other. Jason was tired of being known just for "my sexual abilities", that's why he went to Light of Day, where "Steve and Sarah stopped my mind from going round." He just didn't know about the rest of the mess they were up to. "Our whole family's gone." It's just us. Sookie: "Then we gotta be good to each other." Tears everywhere. Very touching.

Then they turn on the TV (which everyone does at a really emotional moment, right?) and we see crazy Steve and Sarah on a talk show, arguing with Nan Flannagan, the spokesperson for the American Vampire League that we've seen from time to time.

Steve and Sarah are over each other, even though they're trying to represent their god. Sarah about Steve: "If he's not the center of attention, he just flips out." When Nan tries to present a valid point about Light of Day taking deadly action when the vampires were trying to make peace, all Sarah can come up with is "I hate your hair."

Nan: "How can you have meaningful dialogue with these people?"

Scene with Arlene and Terry at Merlotte's, where Arlene gets to have two great lines. About Daphne: "She was clumsy, stupid and mean" but she didn't deserve to die. And to Terry: "Please quit being more peculiar than you usually are."

Eggs and Tara wander in to Merlotte's, and when Lafayette sees the bruises on Tara, he lashes out at Eggs. Big fight. Tara finally pushed Eggs out the door and they run off.

Hoyt meets with his Momma, and she is none too supportive about Jessica. ("Vampires are devils.") Hoyt calls her out on her bigotry against anyone who isn't exactly like her. Good scene.

Odd, long scene with Sookie in bed with Eric, (girl is not afraid to flash her breasts, just sayin), and they are discussing what it takes to make a good vampire. Eric: "You killed a man." Sookie: "That was for self defense. Not for lunch." Then we see that Lorena is the one behind this induced vision, and Sookie wakes up.

Mary Ann saunters into the Bon Temps jail, and users her flutter magic on Sherrif Dearborn to get into the holding cells. She's looking for Sam. Luckily, Sam has been inspired by a fly buzzing around in his cell, and he's transitioned. He's gone. Mary Ann, pissed, releases all of her little acolytes in the other holding cells and she stomps off. Can't be good.

Then we have Hoyt, his Momma, and Jessica doing a meet-and-greet at Merlotte's. Momma can't be decent, and lashes out at Jessica, making sure she points out that Jess can't have any babies. Hoyt is done with Momma, and they leave.

Cut to Tara, Eggs and Mary Ann at Sookie's. (Note the fly on the table? Sam?) Laff shows up with Tara's mama, this is an intervention. Mary Ann promptly grabs some alcohol and tries to tempt Mama. (Laff calls Mary Ann a "soulless bitch". Yay!) Then Tara and Eggs get the weird eyes and come out fighting, slapping Laff and Mama around. Luckily, Laff is one strong queen and he snatches up Tara and throws her in the car while Mama floors it and they head off into the night.

Then we're back at the Dallas vamp lair, where Nan from the Vampire League is now running the show. She berates them all. Then fires Godric. (What? How do you DO that?) When several people protest this, Nan is NOTHING in the scheme of things, trying to get Godric to stand up for himself, she belts out "I'm on TV. Try me."

In case I haven't made it clear, Nan is a total bitch.

Sookie, always trying to do the right thing, confronts Nan about how Godric is good. This is so not right. Amazingly, Godric is fine with it. He'll give up everything. Happily.

Mary Ann stomps into Merlotte's, and turns everyone there into her weird-eyed servants. I want Sam Merlotte. NOW!

A fly buzzes up to Deputy Andy's house, the doorbell rings, he answers, and there's Sam, naked.

Back at the Dallas vamp camp, Godric apologizes to all. "I will make ammends."

Short scene with Bill and Eric. Bill: " We have a score to settle." Then he punches Eric with vampire force. Eric: "It's done. I'm part of her now. Now get out of my way."

People, this thang ain't endin here, tellin ya right now.

Scene with Sookie and Bill. Sookie: "I gotta do something for Godric." Bill: "It's not our concern." Sookie: "NO! What if it was you?"

Godric has gone up to the roof of the building, where he apparently plans to walk into the sun. Eric follows him. Godric: "We don't belong here." Eric breaks down, sobbing those creepy blood tears, begging him not to do it. Godric: "Father. Brother. Son. Let me go." Eric is devastated: "I won't let you die alone." Godric is not hip with this, wants Eric to leave: "As your maker, I command you."

It's actually very touching, very emotional.

Sookie shows up, tells Eric: "I'll stay with him as long as it takes." Eric finally stumbles away.

It's just Godric and Sookie now, with the sun rising.

Godric: "Do you believe in God?"

Sookie: "Of course I do."

Godric: "You will care for him? Eric?"

Sookie avoids a direct answer, instead asking: "Are you very afraid?"

Godric: "I'm full of joy."

Sookie: "I'm afraid FOR you."

Godric: "A human with me at the end. And human tears. In this I see God."

He walks into the sunlight. And is gone.

Peeps, I didn't dare make any snarky remarks during this last bit. It's a fundamental question that we all face. How much of what we have done with our lives is worthy? How much is golden?

Peace out.

#47 - True Blood - Season 2, Episode 8

First, an apology. Apparently I hit the failblog some time back, and the character that I've been referring to as "Marina" is actually "Lorena". As punishment, I shall sit here and ponder my inadequacies.

Okay, I'm done.

So anyway, we're in the basement of the church where Godric has just saved Sookie from mean Gabe. Godric then snaps Gabe's neck, in case it wasn't clear that he found displeasure in Gabe's actions.

Godric then summons Eric, who is instantly there with that fascinating fast motion business. Godric tells Eric that he was a fool for sending humans. (How's THAT for your self-esteem, Sookie?) Then he orders Eric to save the human, and while escaping the church, "spill no blood".

Hmmm. Not sure if that's a doable plan, what with the name of the show and the fact that people routinely get killed every 20 minutes or so around here.

Cut to Jason on the ground, apparently still alive after being shot, wallering around and thanking God for saving his sorry butt. Sarah steps out of the shadows, and we see she's holding a paintball gun. Not exactly a death-bringing weapon. Sarah to Jason: "Grow a brain cell!"

She MAD. Steve's twisted lies have her thinking that Jason is there to bring them down. And after all the effort she went to in seducing Jason as part of her holy gameplan to bring the light of Jesus into everyone's bedroom. The nerve of him!

Sarah: "You're worse than Judas!"

Jason: "Why, what'd he do to you?"

Then Sarah tells him they have his sister hostage, that all the Stackhouses are worthless, and that Sookie in particular is a big ole whore. (Like Sarah even knows where her panties are at this moment.)

Well, that's too much for Jason. You can jump his bones in the Sunlight Chapel and shoot him in the gnarlies with a paintgun, but you don't slander Sookie. He jumps up, knocks her down, grabs the paintgun, and splits. Sarah just lays there, adjusting her couture because you never know when there are photographers in the bushes.

Back at the church, sirens are going off and a recording from Steve is telling all his minions that we're in lock-down and the vampire rumble is ON. Great.

Brief scene with Sookie and Eric, as they plot their escape and try to stick to the "spill no blood" plan. Sookie about Godric, to Eric: "You have a lot of love for him." Eric: "Don't use words I don't understand."

But their escape plan doesn't work too well (despite a scene with Eric pretending to be a hick little redneck: "I'd very much like to borrow your stake"), and Sookie and Eric end up trapped in the Sunlight Chapel with Sicko Steve and his peeps in control. Steve, in full prissy rapture mode, calls Sookie the "evil whore of Satan" and promises the faithful that there will be a holy bonfire at dawn.

Cut to Bill and Lorena in the hotel room, where Lorena is toying with the petrified telepath Barry. She hungry, and despite protests from Bill, she does some snacking. But hey, this one doesn't taste quite like chicken, and Lorena is momentarily distracted while contemplating this turn of events with the menu.

So Bill grabs a plasma TV and whacks the hell out of Lorena with it, until she's lying on the ground, blood pooling around her. Wait, did he just kill his maker? Because that's bad, right? Uh oh.

Bill thunders into Jessica's room, to find her and Hoyt right in the really good part of losing your virginity. A wee bit awkward, yes? Bill tells Hoyt to get in the car with Jessica and get back home. NOW!

Zip over to Merlotte's, where Tara and Lafayette are doing shots while Laff does a tarot card reading on Tara. (Laff tarots Tara, just had to say it.)

Eggs wanders in, being all needy. Seems he's lost a few hours again and is not sure what he did (um, you killed Daphne while Mary Ann watched and smiled), but he thinks it might be bad. Hold me.

Back at the church, Jason bluffs his way in using a paintgun, his Honesty Ring, and that little-boy-who-thinks-sex-is-pretty-neat smile.

Cut to Sam, waking up in his car because his cell phone is ringing. Caller ID says the call is coming from Merlotte's, but the caller hangs up when he answers. So Sam heads on over there. (Why? Why would you head directly to the source of creepy phone calls? Geez.)

Nosing around in now-darkened Merlotte's, Sam decides to head into the freezer. (Which is what we all think, right? Something strange is going on, let's go someplace cold with a heavy door that can close behind us.)

In the freezer, Sam finds Daphne's body, with her heart cut out. (Just like that fake voodoo woman! We have a pattern!) At first, Sam starts to cover her body with plastic garbage bags (no idea why), then I guess he gets bored with that because he doesn't finish. Then he starts to call the sheriff, only to see police lights coming in the window. The law is already here. It's a setup.

Cut to Mary Ann at Sookie's, sauteing some ingredients in a fry pan and slicing up a human heart. And singing. No crazy shimmering, though. Can't be doing that and risk a grease fire.

Back at the Sunlight Chapel, it's showtime.

Eric is chained to a cross thing, and I don't know if the sun is already up or it's the silver chains or what, but he's already frying a little bit. He makes an offer to Steve to trade himself for Godric and Sookie. Crazy Steve is not even listening, babbling on about triumphing over evil and other crap like that.

Then Bill bursts in (quick shot of Sookie getting moist), and he threatens to take out everybody in the room. Steve pulls out a gun and gets all bossy.

Then Jason arrives, and uses the paintgun to shoot the gun out of Steve's hand, then sends another paintball splattering Steve right between the eyes. Love symbolism.

Then the Dallas vamps show up, lots of them, and the male leader guy is all talkative and we learn that they killed Steve's father. Ohhhh! (But we still hate Steve, don't go there.) There's really a lot of people in this room now.

Then Godric shows up. (Okay, who ELSE is waiting in the wings? Ethel Merman?)

And this is where we start to really like Godric. He's not there for damage and destruction. ("They have not harmed me. We can live together.") He wants peace. And both sides need to back off. (When whiny-ass Steve tries to drag Jesus in as a reason for killing vampires, Godric responds with "I am older than your Jesus.")

The Dallas vamps want blood, but Godric orders them to stand down. When Steve tries to rally his troops, they instead abandon him and race into the night. It's over. For now.

Back to Sam at Merlotte's, where he is being questioned by the Sheriff and his sidekick, a black woman named Kenya. (Why are the black women on this show stuck with lousy names like Tara and Kenya? Just wondering.) The sheriff does fess up that he got an anonymous tip, but won't say who. And they can't find ANY records on Sam. What's up with that?

Then Deputy Andy shows up and tries to exonerate Sam, but his story does not help. ("It was a bull. With claws. In a dress." Sam's in trouble.

Cut to Tara and Eggs at Sookie's, where they are still trying to figure out why they are having blackouts. (Tara: "Maybe it's some kinda gas leak.") Girl, please. I'm not happy with this particular plot angle. Tara is not stupid. Why are they not letting her connect the dots to Mary Ann?

Speaking of, Mary Ann waltzes around the corner, and invites Tara and Eggs into the kitchen for a little snack. They mosey on in there, and Mary Ann proffers a souffle. Tara cuts into it, and does not seem to mind that when she does so, it oozes blood. They both take bites and think it's fabulous.

Great.

Cut to Jessica and Hoyt at Bill's house. Jessica's all excited, they have two hours before dawn, and they can do it again! They can do it every night! So they fumble around on the couch until, uh oh, something's amiss. Seems she's a virgin again. She's a vampire, so things... grow back... to how they were when she was turned. Interesting concept, don't need to know any more, thanks.

Short scene with Bill and Eric, where Bill is understandably not appreciative of Eric bringing Lorena into the picture. Bill: "Callin in my maker 'cause you couldn't get Sookie." Oh my.

But just before that hot mess can get really good, in struts the female Dallas vamp (Isabel?) who provided the minion (Hugo) who ended up betraying Sookie at Light of Day, dragging along said terrified traitor. She offers him up to Godric to do as he wishes, and apologizes, clearly thinking that she might be smacked down by Godric, all trembly.

Godric asks Isabel if she loves Hugo. She struggles, but admits that it's true. So Godric sets Hugo free. "Eric, escort him out."

Quick scene with Sookie and Bill, where Sookie is trying to find out why Bill didn't race to save her, and Bill is being all shady on the truth.

Cut to Sam being led into a jail cell, "for his own protection, if nothing else", and seeing other citizens of the town all piled in there as well, most of them having no clue why they are there (although we recognize them as being cast members in Mary Ann's twisted production of "A Whorus Line" back at the crazy campground with fires and drums). One guy does fess up that he's being charged because he "sodomized a pine tree".

How do you even...

Anyway, cut to Jason and Bill, with Jason saying "I need you to forgive me." Bill's fine, no problem. Jason spontaneously hugs him, then feels weird. Was that awkward for you? Chill dude, we cool.

Godric to Eric: "We ARE frightening. The Fellowship of the Sun arose because we don't treat them as equals."

Zip over to Sookie's house, where Tara and Eggs have finished the entire heart casserole, blood all over the table, and they are getting wild-eyed. They start slapping and punching each other around, hormones (or something) racing. Then they engage in creepy-eyed sex while Mary Ann smiles and heads off to wherever, singing and presumably making another checkmark on her demonic to-do list.

Back at Godric's house, Lorena slips in (dang, thought she was dead) and finds Sookie. ("You're what all the fuss is about.") Lorena somewhat explains what happened with Bill not racing to Sookie's rescue, although she twists it around quite a bit and makes herself seem like the victim. ("There's no excuse for domestic violence.") Bill races in, but right now he's no match for two angry women fighting over an undead man.

Lorena: "You're no more than a blood bank."

Sookie: "Go find someone else, you trashy bitch. You've lost this one."

Lorena has had enough with noisy weakling humans, and slams Sookie down on a convenient table, ready to end her life.

Godric is there in a flash. "Retract your fangs!" Click.

Godric then gives a great speech on how humans like Sookie have done great things for the vampire cause, vampires are only hurting themselves with random violence, and that everybody, human and vampire, needs to take a step back and stop this senseless hatred and cruelty. Notice the parallels to what's happening in our country? Thought you would.

Godric is now officially my favorite character, even though he's only been around for barely more than one episode.

Godric then banishes Lorena from his area. "Bill, escort her out."

Outside, Bill and Lorena, with Lorena fumbling around and trying to keep the flame alive. Bill: "Never."

Back inside Godric's house, misguided Luke (from Light of Day) suddenly appears. Jason spies him, and tries to stop him, but doesn't try very hard. (What's up with that?)

Luke gets everybody's attention, and tells them he has a message from his beloved pastor Sicko Steve. Then he rips open his coat to show he's covered in silver, bullets and sharp objects. And a bomb.

Great.

I'm overdue on this, mea culpa: Sending a shout-out to author Charlaine Harris, who is responsible for the Sookie Stackhouse books. These characters are her children. Thank you, Charlaine, for creating this world, and letting us visit...

#40 - "True Blood" - Season 2, Episode 7

First, let me clarify. I was confused in the last review because I didn't understand how Marina could be stronger than Bill, I thought he had made her. But in watching the "previously on Knots Landing" scenes before this episode started, we see Marina say "I'm your maker" before pouncing on Bill and being rude about letting him up.

My bad. So Marina was the one in the rustic farmhouse back in the day, with Bill showing up in search of food and ending up being Undead and all. Dots connected. Okay, carry on.

We have Deputy Andy running through a field, still looking for that damn pig.

Cut back to Orgy Camp, where half the town is still fornicating and somebody is pounding on drums even though we can't see them. Tara, with those crazy blood eyes, races up to captured Sam and licks his face. I guess this is a sign of greeting at a ritualistic orgy, or maybe Sam had some remoulade sauce on his face that she couldn't pass up.

Then Deputy Andy bursts on the scene, has to pause for a moment, cause, you know, it's all a bit much, and even the hippest among us would need a second to process THIS shindig. Then he manages to pull out his gun, and it SEEMS like he shoots somebody (this was kind of unclear) and suddenly Sam is free and running away.

But he's being chased by the still-vibrating Mary Ann. Sam spies an owl or something taking flight, and gets the inspiration to turn into a bird as well and flies off into the night, leaving Mary Ann all pissed back on earth. (Though I had to think, dude, if you can shift into any animal, why didn't you use that skill back at the orgy when they were being really mean to you? Just wondering.)

Cut to Sookie and Hugo in the basement of the Light of Day super-chapel. Hugo is being all whiny and unhelpful, and Sookie is pawing through stacks of Christian board games where the players get to judge other people and send them to Hell. (Hey, I wonder if George and Laura were able to write off such items on their White House expense accounts. Ya think?)

Back to Marina and Bill in the hotel, where she's being all bad-ass and proving to Bill that she's stronger and can move really, really fast. While she's nuzzling him, she whines "You smell like HER, sweet and cheap.

Then we have another flashback. Now we're in Los Angeles, 1935. I'm not sure what Marina's name is during this bit, but Bill's name is Alfred. (The names are not important, really, I'm just trying to show that I do pay attention from time to time.) Marina has brought back some dingy chorus dancer for Bill to feed on. But he's not interested.

Marina: "He's in one of his moods. Again."

So then they have a big fight, with Bill yelling things like "I can't stand the sight of you" and "You have lost your humanity". And Marina countering with "You will outgrow this conscience." Apparently Bill is already transitioning from nasty man in the last episode to the Sensitive Guy that eventually snags Sookie.

Cut to Eric and the female Dallas vamp leader (can't remember her name) spying on things outside the Light of Day compound. They don't see anything out of order, which means they suck as investigative reporters, since Sookie and Hugo are imprisoned in the cellar. Eric does say "I am not interested in Sookie". Liar

Cut to a post-coital Jason and Sarah inside the chapel. She's all aglow, crying because she's so happy. Sarah: "I feel closer to God than I ever have." Then announces that they must tell Steve about the two of them, the Vow of Honesty thing and all that. Jason replies: "Steve has guns." Sarah reconsiders, and agrees that the announcement can wait a bit.

Scene with Jessica and Hoyt back at the hotel. They discuss their sexual experiences (Hoyt: "I ain't never done it with a girl". Jessica: "What have you done it WITH?"), and it turns out they are both virgins. But they are both very interested in changing that status. So while Jessica slumbers, Hoyt races down to the gift shop and buys tons of candles and rose petals to set the mood. Awww.

Tara and Eggs wake up in Sookie's house, with no memory of the sexual free-for-all of the previous night. Tara fesses that she's never blacked out like that from smoking weed. Eggs says it sometimes happens at Mary Ann's parties. Uh, clue number one, ya think?

Quick shot of human-form Sam grabbing a hidden gun at Merlotte's.

Steve confronts Sookie and Hugo in their godly prison cell in the basement, and wimpy Hugo spills that Sookie's last name is Stackhouse. Steve makes the connection with Jason, and races off. Way to go, Hugo. This is why they name crappy cars after you.

Sookie tries sending out a telepathic message to the missing Barry.

Bill and Marina back at the hotel. They are apparently testing each other by remaining somewhat in the sun streaming in the windows. Blood is dripping from various orifices on both of them. Bill states "The bleeds have begun", and I would imagine that every straight man across the world immediately starts crying at hearing those words.

Bill wants to call Eric to save Sookie. Marina lets him know that Eric is "the reason I'm here. He wants the girl, William". Oh boy. More attempts by Bill to break free, more evidence that Marina is stronger and faster than Bill.

Steve and his goon Gabe drive up to Jason, who is trying to escape the compound but doing a bad job by obviously carrying his suitcase, and they snag him.

Deputy Andy tries explaining to the police chief what he saw last night. The police chief is not interested, probably distracted by the fact that he had a bigger role on "Newhart".

Over to Sookie's house, where Mary Ann shows up covered in blood, and carrying a dead animal. Tara and Eggs take it in like nothing is odd about this at all. Clue number two.

Crazy Reverend Steve tells the very confused Jason "you are going to hell. And you are going there today." Then Steve hands Jason over to Gabe, because it's really fun to think about killing people until you actually have to do it. Or something like that.

Sam, pistol drawn, confronts Daphne at Ye Olde Swimming Hole. Daphne, serenely splashing around in the water, is not the slightest bit perturbed at the weapon pointed her way. She explains that Mary Ann is a god, and that Sam is nothing but a flea compared to Mary Ann. Won't you join me in my worship of Mary Ann?

Oh boy.

Quick scene with Sookie and Hugo in the basement, where she touches him and realizes that HE's the traitor. What the hell? She quizzes him, and it turns out that he's just all pissy because his Dallas vamp master won't turn him. These people are just so rude and petty. You can't always get what you want, have you not heard the song?

Then it's the morning of the Lock-In at Light of Day, which will supposedly end in a vampire being tied to a cross. Sarah is on the steps of the chapel, welcoming the flock, fakeness oozing. Steve shows up, and tells Sarah that they need to talke about Jason. Uh oh.

Off-campus a bit, Gabe is about to "send Jason to hell", when Jason fights back, pummeling him, and getting away.

Quick shot of Lafayette making drug connections over the phone. Guess he's back in business with the V thing. Still don't get that.

Over to Merlotte's, where Arlene pulls Tara aside, and is really worried "about last night". Seems she blacked out, but has a pretty strong feeling that some wicked sex took place. Tara, girl, this is clue number three, think about it. Geez.

Andy stomps into Merlotte's, looking for Terry, but ends up tellin all y'all that he seen what they done last night, with the sex and the drums. Everybody laughs. He drunk again. (Uh, Tara, clue number four.)

Jason, running in the night, trying to escape from God Camp, and a jeep races up. OMG! But it turns out to be Sarah. (Whew, right?) But then Sarah, with some seriously jacked-up hair, climbs out of the jeep and apparently shoots Jason. What?

Back at the swimmin hole, Daphne, all glistening, meets Mary Ann on the dock. Mary Ann to Daphne: "Thank you for your service." Then what appears to be Eggs, with the wicked blood eyes, steps forward and stabs Daphne.

Okay, people, I am SO not understanding what is going ON here.

Again with Sookie and Hugo in the holding cell, with Hugo yelling to Gabe that Sookie knows all thanks to the mind meld. Gabe races in, beats the crap out of Hugo, and then turns on Sookie.

Flash to Los Angeles, 1935, again. Bill to Marina: "You know I don't love you. I will never love you. Let me go." When Marina seems a little unconvinced, he tries to stake himself. She finally caves, and utters some official vamp phrase that releases him from her hold.

Back at the Dallas hotel, where current-day Marina is holding current-day Bill hostage, full-of-issues Barry the telepath shows up at their door, giving them Sookie's message about where she is, what's going on, and how unpleasant things are.

Eric, somewhere in the hotel, overhears this. It appears that he grabs/kills/does something to Barry, in that weird fast-motion vampire way, and then Eric races into the night.

Back at the Sookie and Hugo holding cell at God Camp, Gabe is apparently on the verge of violating Sookie in order to prove... something unclear and stupid. Then suddenly Gabe is smacked away by some powerful creature. Sookie, in panicky but grateful mode, looks up at said creature.

It's Godric.

(OMG!)

#35 - "True Blood" - Season 2, Episode 6

Folks, this is a long one, all kinds of what the hell going on, grab a beverage first:

We start out with Eric in the lobby of the Dallas vampire Hotel, where he is being entertained by this skanky thing that lets him drink from her for money. (What would you call such a person who does this? Suck slut? Flow Ho? Things that make you go.... why am I even thinking this way?)

Anyway, Eric is bored with Flo because she's not a very good actress or something. Lucky for him, up stomps some female vamp with an accent. It appears that Eric knows this rude arrival, her name is Marina, and he actually summoned her here. Based on her accent and the pouty lips, I'm thinking she's trouble.

Cut to Bill and Sookie's hotel room, and they have a visitor: the angry female in the Dallas vamps, can't remember her name (Isabelle? Hellwitch?). She's decided that Sookie can't infiltrate the Light of Day camp all on her own blondeness, and she offers up her little minion/playmate/something, named Hugo, to go on the mission as well. (Hey, now we just need a black dude and we've got the Mod Squad. Holla!)

Cut back to the lobby, Marina is whining to Eric that she can't get to Bill to do whatever it is Eric wants her to do. They bicker a bit about Sookie and whatnot, and it becomes clear that Bill and Marina have some sort of past. Wonder what happened?

Luckily, the producers helpfully fill in the details with a flashback: Chicago, 1926.

Bill is in a tuxedo, singing and playing a piano in some club/boudoir thing, so right away you know this can only lead to bloodshed. For this scene, his name is Guillame, which is French for William. (I'm hip that way. Praise me.) Marina is there as well, only her name is now "Faviana", and she pronounces it like the mere act of saying it sends her into orgasm.

We understand that William and Mary are focused on a rich couple who are drunk, giggling, and mesmerized by Mariana's sexual accent. Hmmm.

Now we have Sam and Daphne wallering around, naked, on a pool table at a darkened (and hopefully closed) Merlotte's. He asks her about the obvious scars on her back (finally!), and she explains that something got her in the dark, she didn't see it, and it really wasn't any fun.

Then they have a really sweet conversation, where she says he shouldn't be ashamed of what he is, that he should be proud, especially around the ones he loves. (Quite touching, and of course it struck a nerve with me, the gay parallels, and I almost started sobbing and texting all my relatives. But I just got another beer instead.)

Cut to Sookie's house, where Mary Ann is being a total witch, whining about the water heater not working and terrorizing everybody about the accomodations. Tara bites back: "I wish I had a fancier crib for you to squat in."

Tara has to drive to another town to find some part for the water heater, and she convinces Mary Ann to let Eggs go with her. Throughout the whole scene, the butler/cook/eurotrash guy is massaging the cranky diva's feet. This is NOT the Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. Trust.

And now we're at God Camp, where crazy Steve has Jason and Luke building a platform with a cross, so they can catch a vamp, tie him him to the cross, and let him burn when the sun comes up. Get your tickets now!

Then we have Sookie and Hugo bonding over the fact that they are both mortals in love with undead partners. (So THAT's Hugo's story, wasn't clear at first.) The Light of Day invasion plan is that they will pretend to be an engaged couple looking for a church for their wedding. Sounds a little flimsy to me.

Okay, from this point forward, things go a little crazy. Brace yourself.

Tara and Eggs are in the car, laughing and having a good time, when suddenly Eggs starts realizing that he knows what they'll see next on the road, even though he's never BEEN on this road before. He finally makes her pull over and they go marching off into the woods. Because that's what sane people do, right?

Over at Merlotte's, Deputy Andy arrives, and starts sniffing around Lafayette, wanting to know where he's been all this time, while, you know, lots of people he knew were getting murdered. Laff tries to lie his way out of it ("I was on a gay cruise"), but then has a weird breakdown thing where he's seeing Andy as Eric.

Then Terry (Arlene's current boyfriend) breaks it up and sends his cousin Andy away (forgot about that connection), and holds Laff in his arms, comforting and whispering to him to let it go. Um, I have no idea what's going on.

Back in the main part of the restaurant, Hoyt (Jessica's squeeze) marches in and confronts his mother at one of the tables. Why is his cell phone not working? She cut it off, thinks his ladyfriend is a big ole whore. Hoyt has had enough, and lets fly that not only is Jessie his girlfriend, but she's also a vamp. Mom, being THAT kind of pretend Christian, promptly shows signs of a stroke.

Brief scene with Sam and Daphne, still horny and headed out to the back of the restaurant.

Sookie and Hugo arrive at God Camp, and get to meet the lovely Sarah Newlin, CPW (Certified Pastor's Wife). Everybody's really fake for various reasons, and they go on a tour of the property to determine how Sookie and Hugo would like to be betrothed. "Pleasantville", if you will, without the interesting black and white cinematogrophy.

Then Steve, CPN (Certified Psychotic Nutcase) joins them, and things start getting twisted. Sarah really doesn't want Steve to be saying some of the things he's saying, and she gets all twitchy. Sookie starts getting mind reads that a vampire is going to be burned. Hugo is kind of sulky because Sookie is getting to talk more. Some people are never satisfied.

Another flashback to Chicago, where Bill/Guillame and Marina/Faviana (small orgasm) are gleefully tormenting and then draining the couple they have swooned into the bedroom. Lots of blood everywhere, and then William and Mary get funky nasty on the blood-stained sheets, and seem to be having a hoot of a time. Uh, Bill has some splainin to do, cause he bad.

And hey, am I the only one noticing that the female they THINK they've fully drained is apparently still alive, getting an up close and way too personal gander at the the two of them playing slap and tickle? I don't really know the rules about torturous killing followed by beasty sex, but I'm thinking there's been an oversight here. Just sayin.

Back to Tara and Eggs, tromping through the endless woods. They finally stumble on to a campsite, where there are indications that something not happy has happened. Eggs tells Tara that he has been here before. Then he spies a big bloody rock, and starts crying.

Over to God Camp, with Steve and Sarah leading Sookie and Hugo into the "Sunlight Chapel", which is really pretty and all, but you know it just has to be a place of evil, because Steve is so excited about it. (Sarah is still twitchy, and is trying really hard to get Steve to shut the heck up.) Then Sookie gets some more mind-read radio waves, and realizes that she and Hugo are not in a good place. Not like Scooby Doo at all, is it, Sook?

Deputy Andy is driving along in the dark when he encounters two animals in the road. "I know that pig!" he yells to the people who are not in the car with him, and then promptly jumps out of the car and chases after it. And then falls down in the woods. He's a keeper.

Turns out the pig and the dog in the road were Daphne and Sam, off on one of their shape-shifting frolics. (And yes, Daphne is THAT pig. OMG!) Even Sam is like, what's up with the pig thing, after they transition back. Dapne just smiles and plucks her clothes off a handy tree.

Shift to Merlotte's, where Pam from Fangtasia surprises an already rattled Lafayette, insisting that he start selling "V" again. She wants him to do the very thing that got him in all that trouble in the first place, getting thrown in the Fangtasia cellar with rude people and getting shot by a screaming waitress. At this point, the WTF's are spewing out of my mouth in a constant stream.

Quick cut to God Camp, where Steve is trying to convince Sookie and Hugo to enter "the crypt" where his Daddy is buried, Sarah is so not right with this that her head is about to snap off, and Sookie realizes too late that THIS is the trap. Steve's goons grab Sookie and Hugo and drag their amateur asses even deeper into the church.

Bill hears Sookie's screams and instantly awakens back in the vampire hotel. Unfortunately, Marina is also there, jumping on Bill and pinning him to the bed. "You will never physically overpower me."

Wait, how is that possible? Didn't Bill make HER? Meaning he's stronger. Did I once again go to the bathroom at a critically wrong time? Geez.

Tara and Eggs finally get back to Sookie's house, to find that no one is there, but the house is a wreck, crap all over the place. So what do they do? Tara pulls out a joint and they get high before investigating. Smooth move. These dumbass people deserve what they get, sayin.

So, giggling, they stumble out to the backyard, and can hear drums and chanting off in the distance. They mosey through the woods, and come upon a campsite that is clearly not your grandfather's campsite.

People are having rutting sex everywhere. You don't have to use your imagination here, and even though I realized this was HBO, my eyes still widened a little bit. Hoo boy. And right in the middle of it all? Mary Ann doing her weird shimmer thing, but this time she's on full vibrate. And hey, we KNOW some of these people. Half the supporting cast is bumping uglies and howling.

What in the HELL?

Jessica awakes back at the vampire hotel in Dallas, to find that Hoyt has travelled through the night, bearing wilted flowers, to check on her since Mommy killed the cell phone. Jessie: "I'm so happy I could cry but I don't wanna cause it's really gross when I do." Awwww.

God Camp. Jason stumbles upon Sarah in an upper wing of the mega-church. She's clearly having a meltdown and somewhat fesses up: "Steve wants to use you to start a war. AND, he uses the "C" word!" Jason hesitates three seconds, and then they're all over each other in the name of God.

Final scenes, with Daphne and Sam traipsing along in the woods. We hear drums. Sam is not so keen on drums for some reason. (Maybe he read the script?) They also stumble upon Mary Ann's tribal council of raunch and acrobatics. (Even Tara and Eggs are now in the floor show. Once you go whack, you never go back? Just wondering.)

Quick cut of a bull-head mask thing. Quick cut of a ceremonial knife, with Sam screaming when he sees it. Long cut of Daphne smirking and, in a suddenly deep voice, letting Sam know that innocent playtime on the pool table is over.

WTF?

#29 - "True Blood" Season 2, Episode 5

Well then. Turns out Daphne is a shape-shifter as well, and now she and Sam are all hot for teacher about each other. It’s really kind of cute. But why is no one asking about the horrific claw marks on Daphne’s back. It’s not like you can overlook them, especially now that Daphne and Sam are sucking face and neither has much concern for clothing in this episode.

Sookie chases down the mind reader bellboy guy she discovered at the very end of the last episode (and which I neglected to mention in the review, my bad). He is so not into her knowing about his special talent, and tries to blow her off. Being Sookie, she doesn’t give up easily, pushing him until Barry finally snaps.

He gets all dramatic, yelling at her that this is not the “fried corn-on-the-cob town” she comes from. “This is Dallas!” Okay, I’m fairly certainly that Sookie knows she’s in Dallas, having jumped on a plane and flown there and all. This guy’s just rude and clearly has issues. He dashes off, and Sookie sulks her way back to the hotel room.

Where we have Jessica, who gets to utter two great lines in succession: “Hey Sookie, there’s dirty movies on TV!” and (to Bill) “You’re gonna be so sorry when I get an eating disorder!”

Sadly, these choice utterings are not enough to keep her in the scene, and Bill banishes Jessica to her room for the rest of the night/day/whatever it is. Hard to tell when it’s a fancy vampire hotel where sunlight is verboten.

In her room, Jessie calls a surprised then very excited Hoyt. They are very sweet to each other, and he decides to read a comic book to her. Awww. Sadly, we also learn that Hoyt lives with his mother, a cranky, loud harridan fresh from the Bates Motel.

Then Bill and Sookie have their own quality time, rolling around in the perpetual twilight of their hotel room. Sookie is very keen on the fact that, due to this fake twilight, Bill doesn’t have to leave her alone in the bed at dawn. Okay, what’s going on, why is love shootin out of everybody’s ass in this episode?

Cut to God Camp, where we have a really angry drill sergeant yelling at Jason and the other squad members of his new, mysterious military unit. (Sarah is, of course, right there in the midst of it, trembly and moist while Jason works up a sweat.) The sergeant is not impressed with the recruits, muttering that “I pray Jesus isn’t watchin this crap today.”

Tara and Eggs wake up in their post-coital bed, all dewy and satisfied. Tara fondles that picture we keeping seeing of Tara and Sookie and Sookie’s late grandma. It’s obvious that this is an important prop in some way.

Sookie slips out of HER post-coital bed and tracks down Barry the Bellboy. Girl ain’t givin up. Neither is Barry. Despite Sookie pleading her case that they can help each other, Barry is not interested in any shop talk or telepathic tips. Again, Sookie sulks back to her hotel room. Maybe she just needs to get some air?

Scene at Merlotte’s, with Daphne, Arlene and Terry all twisting off at each other for no clear reason, other than some minor quibbles about food prep and waitress qualifications. Lafayette shows up, asks Sam for his job back and gets it. Sam pries a little about where Laff has been and what happened. Not a word from Laff.

Then we have Tara and Mary Ann at Sookie’s house. Seems Mary Ann has decided that she and Eggs and that butler guy are moving in. The house of endless fruit and weed? Not hers, it belongs to a client. And yes, Eggs is in on the plan, knew all about it. Tara is not impressed with either one of them, and makes it clear that this is SOOKIE’s house and they are not staying.

Back to God Camp, with Jason being the better man and helping his enemy Luke scale a fence while the drill sergeant screams and Sarah ovulates.

Back to Dallas, where we finally meet some of the murky vamps who rule this here part of town. They are rude as hell and there is instant dislike. So why is Eric so invested in helping look for the missing Godric?

God Camp once again, where drill sergeant Gabe (who is apparently more deeply involved with running things than we realized) lets slip to Jason that the relationship between Steve and Sarah is a bit strained. Then Steve drags Jason off to what appears to be a spare wine cellar that has been converted into an ammunitions supply point. Tons o’ guns. All reports and in and officially confirmed, Steve is one messed-up preacher man.

Later that night, Mary Anne drives up to Merlotte’s but stays in the car, where she does one of her weird movements where you don’t know if she’s summoning demons from hell or merely has a gas bubble. Inside, the staff suddenly gets very angry with one another, and then all of them turn on Tara. It is tense and not pleasant. Mary Ann smiles and drives off.

And God Camp again: Jason’s in the bathtub, so it’s easier to see his muscles without irritating shower spray getting in the way. Sarah saunters in, locks the door and begins to bathe him. (S: “Mary Magdalene washed the feet of Jesus with her hair.” J: “Wasn’t she a hooker?”) Then Sarah, clenching things much more firmly, proceeds to make sure that he is very clean. “God wants you to have a reward.” (Can I have that loofah when you’re done?)

Bill and Sookie and Eric in another meeting with the Dallas vamps. The vamps continue with the rudeness, and throw in some arrogance and infighting. This is getting nowhere. Sookie “I’m either gonna fall asleep or start screaming.” Sookie cuts to the chase, we know the God Camp is involved with this, I’m a telepath, I’m gonna infiltrate and get some answers. Are we done here?

Bill finally asks Eric, what’s up with the Godric connection? We are treated to flashbacks. It’s not clear where, but it’s pretty muddy and is a long time ago, despite the actors having amazingly cool haircuts. Wait, isn’t that Eric in the sporty animal hide frock? Oh, how sad, he’s dying.

But wait, here comes a suspicious character with fangs who can move really fast. Speedy asks Eric: “Could you be a companion of death?” Eric thinks that sounds like a hoot, compared to dying in a ditch and all. So Godric makes Eric. Oooooh. Got it.

Sookie returns to the hotel to discover that Barry the Bellboy no longer works there. How sad. But I’m sure this is just a minor setback in her quest to be Wonder Twins at the Hall of Justice.

Tara, reeling from her crappy workday where the entire planet jumped her ass at Merlotte’s, returns to Sookie’s house. To find Mary Ann still there, wearing Sookie’s grandmother’s clothes, and is even sporting the grandmother’s hairstyle. Oh dear gawd, what fresh hell? Mary Ann says some soothing things that are just perfect for Tara’s current state of loss and confusion. So Tara asks her to stay after all.

So, THIS is why we kept seeing Tara fondle the picture of her and Sookie and Grandma. Makes perfect sense. Cause that always happens to ME. I fondle a picture of people I love, and then suddenly I’m inviting a she-demon with a shady background to move in with me. And bring along her butler. And don’t forget the hawt ex-con!

There’s a whole lotta crazy up in this town.

#24 - "True Blood" - Season 2, Episode 4

So we start off at the Light of Day bible camp evil-doer recruitment thingy, where Jason finds that his bunkmates have staged a slaughter by vampires, all for laffs, but Jason does not take kindly to this, screaming that "vampires are not a joke" and "I'm a warrior now". Great. Brainwashing is working. Go Team God!

Zip over to Bill's house, where he discovered Jessica and Hoyt sucking face at the end of the last episode. He throws Hoyt out, threatening violence, but not before Hoyt says to Jessica "I don't believe him for one minute". Awww. Make the Jessica and Hoyt thing work, just sayin. It's cute.

Scene continues, Jessica gets to utter "Is it my fault my fangs come out when I get turned on" before giggling and running upstairs. Then Sookie gets three good lines in a row: "I think I'm gonna like her," "Hating yourself is a bad thing" and "I was almost killed last night. Again".

Cut to Sam and Daphne, still splashing around in the river/lake/pond/whatever. He sees the claw marks on her back. Uh oh.

Then we have Tara saying goodbye to Mary Ann, she's really moving in with Sookie. Mary Ann, instead of summoning up the demons of hell like I'm thinking she probably can, ends the scene with "Go, flourish, don't ever so no to yourself." Very touching, this whole episode is full of supportive quotes, but we know Mary Ann is up to something, so the glitter dulls a bit.

Back over at the Light of Day recruitment center, Jason tells wannabe boyfriend Luke that "maybe Jesus was the first vampire", raising people from the dead. I would imagine that toilets across the country were quickly utilized as right-wingers lost control of their bowels.

Detective Andy gets his badge taken away by his supervisor for being "obsessed and drinking on the job". Like that's going to get Andy to back off.

Jason and Reverend Steve go off on some wacko paintball vampire course in the woods. Clearly, Reverend Steve is a total nutcase, dreaming of offing his first vampire, despite Jason's explanation that it's really not all that dramatic and exciting.

Then we jump over to Sookie's house, where new roomie Tara is all alone on her birthday. They initially tease us with the possibility that something is stalking Tara, then we find out that it's just Mary Ann showing up to celebrate her birthday, and she's arranged a hell of a party. We know this can't be good. There's something about Mary Ann.

Back over to God Camp, Jason and Rev Steve and wifey Sarah are having a barbecue. Jason has visions of Sarah turning into a total overheated slut, and licking a beer bottle. Then Steve asks Jason to become a Soldier of the Sun, whatever that may be. (Sarah moans "Praise His Light" while having a small orgasm flipping burgers.)

Cut to Merlotte's, where apparently everybody knows all about Tara's birthday party at Sookie's (even though Sookie is on a plane to Dallas, along with Bill and loose cannon Jessica) and they are racing off to get there. Sam is slow on the draw, so he's still there when Tara's mom brings in a birthday present, she doesn't know where else to find Tara. Sam is sweet to her, but you have to wonder about the motivation with Momma Drinks a Lot.

Sookie arrives in Dallas (on "Anubis Air", isn't THAT cute), with Bill and Jessie in coffins. It's quickly clear that this is an ambush, and Bill leaps out of his coffin to save Sookie from the evil... limo driver. (Poor Jessica is unable to get out of her little coffin thing, new to this business and all, so she's not immediately helpful.)

But once Bill has things settled, he does let Jessica practice glamming the limo driver, and they learn things, such as Reverend Bill and Slutty Sarah's Church of the Inner Hormone is behind all this. Really? I am totally shocked, did NOT see that coming. Please.

Back to Sookie's house, and the Tara B-day blowout, where Mary Ann first does her weird mojo where everyone becomes horny and ready to ride the nearest anything. Then she wanders off into a cornfield or something and does some elaborate ritual, which prompts Tara and Eggs to race upstairs and bump uglies. (Hawt, people. HAWT.) But, what the hell?

Eric shows up at Lafayette's, offering his blood. Laff acts all street at first, but eventually gives in and drinks, then gets really happy about the state of things and starts humping every piece of furniture around him (is it the humidity in Louisiana? damn, these people have a lot of tension they apparently need to release) while Eric runs away into the night.

Jason is now living in Rev Steve's and Slutty Sarah's house. Sarah drops by Jason's room, in a clingy nightgown, and clearly points out how many steps it would take for Jason to find her sprawled out in a bed. The bed she shares with her husband. Just WHO is it that really wants Jason to share the gospel? Hmmm.

Final scenes with Bill and Eric:

Bill: "Open aggression again humans, that's insane."

Eric: "Well, it IS Texas."

Exactly.

#16 - "True Blood" - Season 2, Episode 3

So, Sookie, Bill and Jessica are racing away from Jessica's home where all hell was breaking loose at the end of the last episode. Apparently Bill has glamoured all the humans and we're good there.

But we're not so good in the car. Sookie is not really pleased with some of Bill's actions and words, he pulls over, she gets out of HER OWN CAR and stomps off. Jessica tells Bill he is not treating Sookie right and he better go after her. Am I starting to like whiny Jessica? Hmmm.

Within seconds of stomping away, Sookie is attacked by this creature with a bull's head. What the hell? Said creature rips up her back and there's lots of blood. See, you TRY to keep the communication going in a relationship and you end up getting attacked by bull demons. It's just not right.

Bill and Jessica race up, Bill tries feeding Sookie his blood, but Sookie is rude about it and just foams at the mouth. This isn't working. They lug Sookie back to her car and race off to Fangtasia. Because people are so nice at THAT place.

Over at Merlotte's, newbie waitress Daphne gets yelled at by Sam for being 64 dollars short, he says she has to make it up. Daphne cries and all, but damn, girl, that's some serious cash in the bayou. Pay attention.

Cut back to Fangtasia, where it appears that Elton John is operating on Sookie. Oh wait, maybe it's not EJ, but anyway, Sookie's back is all clawed up something fierce, and Elton babbles about Kimodo dragons and poison and yadda yadda. Lord Vampire Priest Eric is puzzled, doesn't know what is going on. Well, that's a good sign. Eric sends Pam and that other guy off to investigate.

Quick couple of scenes at Godcamp, where Jason is having nightmares about vampires he has helped kill even though he knew it was a boo boo to do so, and some interplay with Luke who just wants Jason's fang, sayin.

Back to Fangtasia, Pam and the other guy report back from the field and don't really know anything other than it was "animal". We kind of got that part, guys, but thanks. And Pam is miffed because she ruined some gorgeous pumps traipsing around in the mud. Suck it up, Pam, they aren't THAT cute.

Cut to Mary Ann's house, where Tara questions Mary Ann about why she doesn't get along with Sam. In said scene, Mary Ann is rolling the most humongous joint I have ever seen. Not that I've ever seen any. Just sayin.

Cut to Merlotte's, Sam is packing up like he's planning to go far away. What?

Over to Godcamp, some kind of group therapy thing, and Jason fesses up that he really doesn't think vamps are all that bad. This does not set well with Sarah, who takes Jason out to the porch and splains some things. Seems she, at one point, marched in parades for vamp equal rights. Then the vamps killed her sister. This doesn't ring quite true. Rings more like foreplay. But Jason prays with her anyway. Uh huh.

Fangtasia: Sookie is all better now. She reads the mind of the screaming-prone bleached-blonde waitress and finds out that Lafayette is being held in the basement. Sookie uses a gun to force screamer to lead her to Laff. Waitress continues with the screaming.

Mary Ann's house: Big party with uninhibited people. No surprise. Tara and the hawt guy grow close. No surprise, part two.

Fangtasia again, Sookie slaps Eric and tells him to go to hell. (You GO, girl.) Eric states that he does not take well to threats. No surprise, part three.

Then we have Jessica, waking up from her day slumber, all alone in Bill's manor. No one is there. So of course she puts on an ugly yellow dress and heads to Merlotte's, as anyone would. There, she meets a potential beau, Hoyt, who finds her ravishing. She reveals that little vampire angle, but he doesn't care. Romance blossoms.

More at Fangtasia: Sookie will only help Eric with the missing vampire warlord in Dallas if Eric releases Laff in the basement. Fine. During the negotiations, Sookie utters two really fun lines, "I need a driveway" and "I'd prefer cancer". You just had to have been there.

More at Mary Ann's house: Detective Andy shows up, there are people running around with breasts and other things flopping openly, Mary Ann semi-flirts with Andy, and a pig disappears. Just go with it.

Back at Godcamp, the camp leader and wifey Sarah are still working on bringing Jason fully into the fold, and the leader utters "Sarah doesn't whip out her pudding for just anybody". Make of that what you will.

Jessica drags new beau Hoyt back to Bill's manor, bonding occurs, they play Wii (surely a sign of the devil), Hoyt suggest that maybe they should, you know, wait a little bit before going any further. Jessica thinks about it for 1.5 seconds and then is ON him.

Sookie and Bill take Laff to his home, with Laff asking Bill to tell his vampire playmates that he basically doesn't remember anything. Then Laff goes inside and wraps himself in a homemade blanket. This is okay, he's been chained to a pole in a smelly room and stuff.

Mary Ann's house, Tara suddenly realizes that there are a lot of slutty and possibly vampiric people at the party (really girl? just now?), and tells hawt guy that there is "no US if this is your scene". This from Tara, who managed to conquer the ginormous joint from earlier. Girl, please.

Quick scene with Sam stripping down and running through the woods with one of his doggie companions. Really.

Bill and Sookie arrive back at the manor, and Bill is not pleased with Jessica and Hoyt doing whatever they are doing on the couch. Jessica claims she didn't feed. It's really not clear WHAT has happened, as we have lots of that quirky fast vampire movement, but it's obvious that Bill is not pleased.

Finally, we have Sam jumping into a remote lake/river/something and reverting back to his naked self. Daphne, of all people, wanders up and decides to join him. As she whisks off her top, we see that she has claw marks on her back.

Probably not good.