#78 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 30

We start off with even more flashbacks, apparently left over from the previous episode. Again, nothing new or earth-shattering. This takes a while, but we finally get to the new stuff.

Kevin in the Diary Room: “Jordan winning the second round is perfect. Now Natalie is no longer in the equation.”

Kevin tells Jordan that if he wins, he will take her with him. In fact, he gets a little crazy-eyed about his assurances, and Jordan finally calls him on it, what’s going on? Kevin is concerned that Natalie will convince Jordan to take Natalie to the end. Jordan tells him he shouldn’t be paranoid.

Jordan in the Diary Room: “I will take Natalie.”

Then we have some scenes with Natalie working Jordan, and Jordan working Natalie, and everybody starting to get a little freaky as the finale approaches. Kevin and Natalie actually get rather heated during one extended scene, and it looks like a bridge might have just been burned. Not clear, but I’m hoping so.

Cut to Michele’s arrival at the Jury House. She wastes no time in trashing Natalie about giving up the chance to play in the Veto Competition. She soon learns that she doesn’t have to trash her too hard, because it seems nobody in the Jury House is happy about Natalie. Does Natalie even have a chance?

Then we have the “official” Jury House debate, where the jury members supposedly sit around and politely discuss the voting possibilities at this point. It gets a little snippy, especially between Jeff and Lydia when it comes to Jordan. With all the bickering, it’s really not clear if there’s a definite choice. So much for that.

Finally, Round 3 of the HOH, and it’s the standard Round 3 for this sort of thing. Julie asks questions about possible statements by jury members, Kevin and Jordan have to respond with “A” or “B” for their answers. They make it all the way to a tie-breaker, so out come the chalkboards for a numeric response. Jordan gets the closest answer, and wins final HOH.

I believe people in 4 neighboring states looked up from their dinner table at the sound of my victory yell.

Jordan has to quickly decide who to evict. (We’re live here, people, keep up the pace.) After a rambling speech, she finally sends Kevin out the door. It’s Jordan and Natalie as final two.

In his exit interview, Kevin tells Julie that evicting him was Jordan’s smartest move.

Anyway, now they drag out all the jury members, and all the non-jury house guests, and everybody gets to ask questions. There’s a little snippiness, and some gentle digs, but seriously, this is all for show. Who is really going to change their mind at the last minute? (And it’s very clear that the audience LOVES Jordan, so it’s obvious how THAT vote is going to go.)

At this point, people just want the vote to happen, so I’ll cut to the chase. Here’s how it broke down:

America Jordan

Jessie Jordan

Lydia Jordan

Russell Natalie

Jeff Jordan

Michele Jordan

Kevin Natalie

And it was perfect timing that Jeff’s vote is the one that sent Jordan over the top. (Oh, and America voted him the $25K bonus prize, so a little icing to go on the cake.)

Thrilled with how this thing wrapped up. Now I just have to prepare myself for the slight depression that happens every summer after Big Brother stops controlling my life three nights a week. WHAT am I going to do with all this free time?

Don’t answer that.

#77 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 29

This whole episode simply involves Kevin, Natalie and Jordan eating a meal and discussing life in the house while we are treated to tons of flashbacks. We’ve seen most of it before. There are a few new scenes, but nothing that’s going to change anyone’s opinion or vote.

I’m guessing that the BB producers were just trying to fill their 30-episode contract with CBS, so they slapped this together and called it good. And I’m going to do the same.

One more to go….

#76 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 28

We start the show with Julie making an announcement that ALL THREE of the remaining house guests will make it to finale night even though the house guests don’t know it yet.

Um, what?

Kevin in the Diary Room: He wants to take Jordan to the end.

Jordan in the Diary Room: “I’m on my own now.” Have you talked to Kevin lately?

Natalie in the Diary Room: “I have a lot of hatred towards Michele.” And why in the world is that, Crazy Ass? Gawd you have issues, Natalie.

Cut to Part I of the HOH Competition still in progress, with Kevin, Jordan and Natalie struggling to stay on the giant log, completely drenched, worn out, and not looking very pretty. Natalie is spewing hateful things to Jordan, trying to break Jordan’s concentration. Jordan grits her teeth and gently dishes back: “You’re a little instigator.”

Then we have some LONG scenes of them trudging on the giant rolling log. There’s one moment when Natalie isn’t paying attention and comes this close to tumbling off the thing. I had to choke back a cheer as she managed to get things under control at the last minute.

Sadly, it’s Jordan that takes the first official tumble. (After stupidly taking Kevin’s evil advice to “wiggle around a little bit” to keep warm. And down she goes.) She wanders into the house.

Which leaves Kevin and Natalie to openly discuss what they are going to do. Turns out, the two of them had a deal that Natalie would throw the first competition. (We get a flashback scene that confirms the conversation.) But now Natalie doesn’t want to hold up her end of the deal.

Lots of arguing, and lots of Kevin swearing on everything that he will take Natalie to the end. (Quick Diary Room scene where Kevin states “My word means nothing in this game.”) After all the swearing, Natalie finally gives in and drops. Kevin has won the first round.

Julie gathers the house guests, and makes the announcement that no one is leaving the house tonight as originally planned. Round two WILL be played tonight, but Round 3 will not happen until finale night. We then have reaction shots of Natalie looking slightly pissed (she’s always mad about something), Jordan looking astonished (she wakes up that way), and Kevin doing his signature move of grabbing at his face and bugging his eyes.

Cut to Jeff arriving at the Jury House, where Lydia, Jessie and Russell are all pretty bad sports about Jeff’s eviction, rubbing it in his face. (Obviously, you don’t have to like anybody in the game, but you can at least be decent about it. This isn’t kindergarten. Or is it?) Lydia, of course, is the worst of the bunch. She is just one bitter, hateful girl.

But what’s this? Jeff finds out that the three of them are completely over Natalie and her lies, now that they’ve had time to drink and compare notes. Natalie does not have the friends she thinks (and we sort of thought) she does in the Jury House. Is the game turning?

Then Julie visits with 4 former house guests that made it to the final three during at least one of their seasons: Evel Dick, Danielle, Janie and Boogie. They are all basically in agreement that, at this point, Kevin should win the game, and that Kevin’s big lie about Russell is “the lie that changed the game”. Well finally, some validation. I was getting a bit of flack for constantly harping on Kevin about that very lie.

Anyway, it’s time for Part II of the Final HOH. It’s Natalie and Jordan, and they have to take balls with the names of HOH winners, roll them up an incline, and get the correct ball in the correct hole for the week that a house guest was HOH.

The house guests are kept separate, so they don’t immediately know how well the other one does. Natalie goes first, and gets a respectable 5 out of 10. Jordan walks out, and slams it home with 9 out of 10. (The live audience with Julie can’t help but wildly applaud, even though they are really supposed to just sit there and look clean-cut and American for the CBS viewing audience.)

When Julie announces the results, Natalie’s face immediately twists up into a pout, Kevin instinctively grabs HIS face, and Jordan is beaming from ear to ear.

And so am I.

#75 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 27

We start off with Natalie still parading around in that dumb-ass costume she wore for the Nomination Ceremony, babbling about how Michele is her real target.

Michele on Natalie’s nomination speech: “I don’t know what the heck the show was about.”

I hear ya.

Kevin in the Diary Room: “I’m playing a ruse on Natalie as well.”

Then we have a scene with Natalie really working Jordan, pushing hard for Michele to go home (despite Nat claiming during the nomination ceremony that she was after Kevin). Jordan’s not buying it. “I’m going to stick with Michele.”

Kevin and Natalie, with Kevin all blue about the POV competition. “If I don’t win, I go home.” That’s right, pal. And you’ve got Nutty Natty in the freak show outfit to blame for that.

We get to the POV competition, and of course Nat can’t play because she gave up the chance to do so in order to spend a few minutes with her oddly wimpy boyfriend. (Still amazed that he was in tears while proposing to her, while Natalie just stood there like she was waiting for him to pass a kidney stone.)

This competition involves matching up house guest names based on clues, one of those things. We get to see lots of scenes with Jordan just not figuring things out and making no progress at all, poor thing. So this one’s a race between Kevin and Michele, and it’s pretty tight, but Kevin pulls it off.

Immediately afterward, in the kitchen, Natalie races down from her temporary banishment in the HOH Room, with celebration drinks just for her and Kevin. Jordan and Michele just have to sit there while they whoop it up. Natalie truly believes that she has already won the whole thing and isn’t even bothering to be polite. She’s just wrong on so many levels.

Kevin in the Diary Room: “I can’t win against Natalie, with all her friends in the Jury House.” Well, Kev, not so sure about that. Things are kind of brewing over there.

Short scene with Kevin and Natalie, with Kevin forcing Natalie to swear that they are still tight. Look, Kevin, you’re lying to her about your intentions. Do you really think she’s not lying as well? Quit twirling around and think about it.

Kevin meets with Michele, but he hems and haws and won’t come out with what he wants to say. So Michele pushes it: “What’s up?” Kevin fesses “I don’t want Natalie to win this game.” Neither does Michele, so your point is? But he wanders off.

Natalie tells Jordan that she’s completely safe, Kevin will not put her up, no question about it. Then Natalie flounces off to irritate someone else, and Jordan is left sitting there with an expression that either means “I hope she gets hit by a bus” or “Can anyone tell me what time it is?”

Kevin and Michele again, but this time Michele is on the offensive, telling Kevin “If you keep me this week and I drop before the end, you get my vote. If I leave this week, you DON’T get my vote. Good for her. Hell, she’s got nothing to lose at this point.

Then we have a few scenes with Kevin showing mental anguish over the whole trauma of deciding who to send home. I don’t really care, sorry.

Julie talking to Natalie in the HOH Room. Julie: “You’ve told a lot of lies in this house. Who are you loyal to?” Natalie: “It’s always been Kevin.” (Hold up. Always? Girl, just a few days ago you would have happily given up your first-born just to have Jessie look in your direction and smile.) “He totally helped me.”

We get to the POV Ceremony, and Kevin uses it to save himself, natch. Jordan, of course, has to go up on the block, being the only possibility left. Since this is also a fast-track eviction, Michele and Jordan have to give their “save me” speeches.

Jordan is first, and actually babbles way too much. She’s much better when she sticks to the point (assuming she has one), says something really charming, and then smiles.

Michele, however, puts on some fake devil horns that she had conveniently tucked in the seat beside her, and really goes after Kevin, promising to rile the Jury House up if he sends her home. Again, she’s coming on strong because she really doesn’t have any other choice.

And of course, Kevin votes to send her home. Now, there are pros and cons for Kevin to send either one of the two home. But Kevin is weak. He is not going to go against what Natalie wants. Period.

Then Kevin, Natalie and Jordan race outside to begin Part I of the final HOH Competition. This involves the three of them standing on a giant log, clutching giant keys over their hands. They must keep one hand on the key at all times. And then the log starts rolling…

Things don’t look real spiffy for Jordan at this point, competitions are not her strong point. Then again, competitions are not Natalie’s strong point either. Hmmm. This could be interesting.

#72 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 26

We start out with the announcer reminding us that the Pandora's Box is back in play for the new HOH. I'm hoping that this will involve Natalie getting smacked down in some way. One can dream, right?

Speaking of, Natalie is in the Diary Room, still babbling away about how she's the one that got Jeff out of the house. She is NOT the one that pulled it off, but I'm tired of dealing with delusional people, let her think what she wants.

Scene with Jordarn, crying, where everything sucks. Yes, sweetie, it does. So are you gonna do something about it or just lay there and wait to get evicted?

Michelle in the Diary Room, convinced that she's leaving.

Lots of scenes with Natalie really, really excited about winning HOH. Too many scenes, and the girl will NOT shut up about it. Yes, you won. Yay. But seriously, Jesus did not walk across water to annoint you as his successor. Settle down a little bit.

Natalie tells Kevin that they are definitely the final two, and that she wants Michele gone.

Kevin in the Diary Room, still hating on Natalie. Okay, sister girl, here's the deal. You keep whining about Natalie, fessing up that you know she will drop you, but what are you doing about it? Have we had a scene where you confront Nat and say, yo skank, what are your plans? Just asking.

And again with Jordan, wallering around on some random bed, not wanting to be a part of any more scheming, she just wants to be left alone. Peaches, you are in the Final Four. You could feasibly win this. No time for tears.

Then, surprisingly, Natalie actually tells Kevin that he has to go up to ensure that Natalie gets Michele out. Kevin, understandably, doesn't exactly turn cartwheels upon learning this bit of news. The pawn option is a risky path.

Natalie in the Diary Room: I have to throw Michele and Jordan off by making them think that I'm not that close to Kevin. (Are you serious, Gnat? You think the girls are going to believe that at this point?) Then Natalie states that Jordan is not smart enough to figure out what Nat is doing. Um, Nat, last time I checked, you weren't smart enough to figure out that Jessie was playing you, and you still love him. Just sayin.

Then Natalie shows off her new HOH room while wearing a two-piece swimsuit. That makes sense. Everybody in all the photo's looks WAY over 18 years old. Are any of the house guests catching on to this?

Natalie tells Michele and Jordan that she fully intends to put Kevin up, that she has no intention of taking him to the end. Even Jordan is not buying that load.

Natalie in the Diary Room: "I'm good at throwing people off." Yes, you are. But not in the way that you THINK you are.

Then we have the Luxury Competition. Basically, they split into two teams, with each team having to yell over a wall and find matching pieces of clothing. In the end, the house guests have a little over three minutes to race through a boutique and grab as many items as they can and they get to keep them.

The girls aim for clothing actually hanging on the various racks. Kevin decides that he wants the entire outfit that one of the mannequins is wearing, so he proceeds to demolish the mannequin, with plastic legs and arms and a torso all over the place. It's like Hannibal Lecter went shopping on a bad day.

Kevin approaches Michele about partering up to be in the Final Two. "You and me take Natalie out!" Michele looks appropriately stunned, but acts all gung ho about it. (On the flip side, Michele could use this little tidbit in her dealings with Natalie. Use this info wisely, Michele.)

Natalie meets with Jordan, and talks about THEM being in the Final Two. All KINDS of gameplay going on here, folks.

Natalie wanders into her HOH Room, and it's time for Pandora's Box, Part II. Turns out, Natalie can spend time with a loved one, if she gives up her chance to play in the Veto Competition. Nat doesn't hesitate (proving once again that she will satisfy her immediate wants and needs without considering the big picture), and opts to meet the loved one, screw the Veto Competition.

So she races in to meet her loved one, her boyfriend, who, amazingly, drops to one knee and proposes to her. He's actually very moved by the opportunity, and starts crying during the proposal. Natalie, who apparently has no emotions, just looks at him as if she'd like another waiter for her table. Not a tear in sight.

They only have 5 minutes for this bit of business. But then she's offered an opportunity to spend an additional 15 minutes with boyfriend, but the rest of the house will have to suffer while she does so. Again, no hesitation on Natalie's part, she is so self-centered.

So, while Nat and boyfriend enjoy a quick sushi dinner, the other houseguests are tormented by odd little creates racing through the house. A giant needy baby that will not shut up, a "copy cat" little person that repeats their every action and word (Jordan: "He was cute, but I wanted to kill him."), and a giant roach thing that sprayed bug kill on the house guests.

The traumatized house guests then go up to Natalie's HOH Room. What the hell is going on? Natalie, realizing it's not going to be easy explaining to Kevin that she just gave up her right to play in the Veto Competition for a few minutes of sushi and a marriage proposal, goes way left and makes up a bogus scenario.

Natalie launches into detail about some "Final Two Reversal" thing where she was blind-folded, ear-muffed and water-boarded and can now no longer win the game, the best she can do is second place for $50K. Even if I LIKED Natalie I wouldn't buy it, and everyone is looking at her like she's ate up with the dumbass.

Kevin in the Diary Room: "Bitch, you lyin'." She got something out of this.

Cut to Kevin, Michele and Jordan in the courtyard, trying to figure out what the hell THAT was all about, all of them convinced that she's not telling the whole story. Natalie wanders out, and makes it worse by saying "don't ask me any more about Pandora."

Kevin confronts Natalie in the HOH Room. "If you really lost $500K, you'd be breaking windows." True enough. Natalie folds, and says she'll tell everybody what went down.

But she doesn't. Meeting with the others, she fesses up to her boyfriend showing up and proposing, but that everything after that was just her having some fun with the house guests. Hee hee. Not a word about not getting to play in the POV competition. For once, Kevin, Michele and Jordan are all on the same wavelength. If that's ALL it was, then what was all that other crap?

Kevin in the Diary Room: "I betcha her name is not even Natalie."

Then the announcer invites the viewing audience to vote for their favorite house guest, who will receive $25K. My bet is on Jeff.

Leading up to the Nomination Ceremony:

Jordan in the Diary Room: "Jeff told me to stick with Michele. I don't listen to Kevin and Natalie."

Natalie in the Diary Room: "I'm hoping to hide my allegiances." Girl, please. Ain't nobody buyin.

At the Nomination Ceremony, where Natalie is wearing some stupid-ass outfit involving a lobster crown and waving a cue bridge she stole from the pool table in the courtyard, she pulls the single key to save Jordan and therefore puts up Kevin and Michele.

Natalie to Kevin: You said this was a game of chess, and I'm three moves ahead of you. I want you out.

Natalie to Michele: You are a liar, and talking to you is like making a deal with the devil.

On the surface, she's not even minimally nice to either one of them. I'm just going to assume that this is an attempt to get Jordan on her side. But even taking that into consideration, she basically burned EVERYBODY.

Kevin in the Diary Room: "Natalie screwed me over by opting out of the Veto Competition." Hold up. What? How does Kevin know about the Veto Competition angle? WE know that, but we didn't see any scenes where Natalie fessed up to that. Did the producers screw up yet again?

Michele in the Diary Room: "I am NOT taking Natalie with me with I win HOH next week." I'm right there with you, girl. But you have to survive the Eviction this week.

And then we have the announcer letting us know that Tuesday's show will have both the Veto Competition AND the Eviction Ceremony. Interesting. That's a fast track. Something's brewing here. Some more manipulation by the BB Producers?

Just sayin.

#71 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 25

Kevin in the Diary Room: "Jeff will be packing his bags!"

And there we have the theme for the whole night. Jeff's chances of surviving this situation are pretty slim. But we'll trudge though it, shall we? You never know in the Big Brother House.

Jeff in the Diary Room: "Michele and I tried to cut a deal, but Kevin's not listening." Of course he's not. He can't hear you over Natalie's incessant babbling.

Michele in the Diary Room: We'll just have to try working Natalie.

Natalie in the Diary Room: "All the blood is on Kevin's hands!" and "Jeff is my present to Jessie" in the jury house. YOUR present? How do you figure that, Gnat? What have YOU done to make this happen?

Jeff and Jordan, being sad again. Jordan: "I'm gonna be so BORED." Jeff is back to his sweet self, telling Jordan it was destiny that he be in this house and meet her. (Awww.) And he tells her to stick with Michelle. Jordan is still near tears: "You're the only one who played the game."

Jeff meets with Natalie and tries to work something out. Natalie makes it clear that she wants a sweeter deal before she even considers it. (And of course, I'm about to claw my face because this little worthless nothing has coasted along while everyone else has done all the work, but SHE wants a better deal?)

Meanwhile, Kevin is watching this discussion on the HOH monitor, and he's thinking out loud. He doesn't trust Natalie, knows she will dump him at some point. Okay, you've said this several times now, so why are you still Natalie's bitch?

Scene with Jeff and Jordan smooching, practicing different ways to perform their final kiss at the Eviction Ceremony.

Jeff meets with Michele. They need to come up something to offer Natalie. Michele suggests promising to throw the next HOH and let Natalie win, guaranteeing her safety. Which sounds dramatic, but there's a silver lining.

When it's down to 4 in the house, the winner of the POV actually controls the game. Scenario: They let Natalie win, and she obviously puts up Jeff and Michele. If either of them win POV, Natalie will have to put Kevin up, no other choice. Then the person that won POV simply votes Kevin out, because they are the single vote at eviction time. There's no chance of a tie and Gnat can't do a thing about it.

So Jeff offers this up to Natalie, promising that he and Michele will throw it so she can be HOH and completely safe. (He conveniently leaves out the bit where the POV is actually the HOH next week.) She does seem excited, but it's hard to tell with her because she gets excited about everything, including toothpaste.

Then we meet Michele's husband. No real surprises here. He's kind of geeky, she's kind of geeky. But he does confirm that Michele has memory problems, she really does forget conversations, no one's been able to figure out why. Which makes me feel a little bad about the times I've called her out for lying. Maybe she really DIDN'T remember saying what she said.

On the flip side, she's a SCIENTIST. Sure hope the girl isn't working with toxic chemicals, and then forgets what she's supposed to do with them. Or where she puts them. Just sayin.

Then Julie talks to the house guests in the little eviction area. She's especially interested in Kevin's thoughts on everybody leaving him bent over a box while they raced around and grabbed them some money rain.

First, he admits that normally he doesn't mind being handcuffed while bent over. (I assume that the CBS executives wet themselves on that one, but they let it air.) Kevin adds "but when money's fallin' somewhere that I'm not?", he's not really happy about that. Then we get a few seconds of the fish tank shot, so Kevin (or somebody) said something extra spicy.

Julie turns to Natalie, and we get to review her completely freaking out over the dragonfly in the courtyard. And yes, that really was funny (girl does NOT like insects of any kind), so everybody gets a chuckle out of it. But I still can't stand Natalie. (Thank you, dragonfly, for making her do back flips off the lawn chair.)

Then we check in on the Jury House, where Lydia is clearly still hot for Jessie, despite her telling the camera that she is SO not into him. The newly-evicted Russell walks in, Lydia spazzes out that it's not Jeff, and within 30 seconds (not kidding) Jessie rips his shirt off right in front of Russell for no apparent reason, basically knocking Lydia out of the way as he does so.

Okay, I know I've been snarky with the Jessie/Russell lovefest comments, but come ON. I'm thinking Kevin is not the only one who wants to be handcuffed while bent over a box. Get out of the closet, people. You don't have to hide anymore. You're so 2000 and late.

Kevin in the HOH Room. Julie: "How much do you trust Natalie?" Kevin: "She's my only ally. I had to do what I had to do."

Time for the "save me" speeches. Jordan is cute and country, as always. Jeff raises eyebrows by giving his speech directly to Natalie, spelling everything out about the guarantee of an HOH win and that Kevin is not the one she should align with right now. Wow.

But Natalie still votes to send Jeff home. And Michele votes to send Jordan home. Kevin has to decide. Totally expected. (But part of me wonders, was it wise for Jeff to be so bold right there in front of everybody? It may not have mattered, who knows with Natalie, but still, Jeff put Natalie in an uncomfortable spot and just might have lost the deal right there.)

Anyway, Kevin breaks the tie by voting Jeff out. Kevin is bitchy about it, and I'll give him a little slack because Jeff just slammed him, but there was also no need for Kevin to take a dig at Jordan as well.

Shout out to the Kevin fans: I know you love him. And he's certainly entertaining, I'll give you that. But he just rubs me the wrong way. Not sure what it is. But I do agree that he's at least playing the game. And of the 4 remaining house guests, only Michele has actually fought to stay alive. Natalie and Jordan (love her anway) are only still there because of the actions of others. So Kevin just might pull it off.

Jeff leaves the house, and Julie points out that he just got the first standing ovation. (And he deserves it.) Julie: "Why did you switch and align with Kevin and Natalie over Russell?" Jeff: "I couldn't trust Russell."

And this is where I have to irritate the Kevin fans by going back to the One Big Lie that Kevin made. Jeff only turned on Russell because of the flat-out lie Kevin told Jeff about what Russell was planning to do. I know I should let it go. But that lie completely changed the game.

So we get to the HOH Competition. One of those true/not true things about what booted house guests might have done after they left the show. Jordan is actually the leader through most of it, but the other two catch up near the end and we go to a tie-breaker. Natalie wins.

I fight the urge to just turn the TV off and never look back.

Natalie races around screaming "I stuck to my word and I won!". What word did you stick to, Natalie? Certainly not the one where you told Jeff he was completely safe. You can't be selective about sticking to your word, otherwise you're NOT sticking to your word. Get it? Perhaps you have Michele's memory disorder? Maybe the two of you can join a clinical trial and search for a cure.

Natalie also screams out, several times, that "this is for Chima!"

Right there, people. Right THERE is what's wrong with this country. Idiots who fully support other idiots who don't want to play by the rules and then are totally stunned when they have to pay the price for NOT playing by the rules. Chima was a bitch, Natalie. You wanna love and honor that?

Amazing.

So Julie closes the show, letting us know that there's going to be another Pandora's Box temptation that, if used, is bound to affect the game. Really? Well, right now I hope that it involves thousands of dragonlies being unleashed.

But I'm not bitter.

Well, not really.

Okay, yes I am.

And so it goes.

#68 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 24

Jeff in the Diary Room: "Let's go to war!"

I'm sure he intends to do something to save himself, but really, Chima and Russell are long gone. There may be some fireworks, but we're talking sparklers here, not roman candles.

Natalie and Kevin hook up with Jeff in the pantry and tell him he's completely safe, it's all for show. But of course he's not safe. (Natalie in the Diary Room: "I have no problem with lying straight to his face" Natalie, you have no problem lying, period. How old did you tell everybody you are?)

Scenes of Michele and Jordan being really sad.

Scenes of Jeff and Jordan being really sad.

Then Kevin prances into his HOH Room, and lo and behold, there's a new door in one of the walls, with a big ole question mark on it. A handy card explains that if someone goes in the room, something good or bad could happen to them or the house.

Kevin pauses 2.5 seconds, then decides he's going in. ("I'm a greedy bitch!", then he does a cute little clap.) Inside, there's a big box machine thing with a place for Kevin to stick his little Asian hand. He does so, something grabs it, he screams, and suddenly dollar bills start pouring out of the sky in the courtyard.

Jordan in the Diary Room, babbling about how her daddy was always telling her that money don't grow on trees. "Dad, you're very wrong."

Conveniently, there's a monitor next to Kevin so he can see the courtyard, where Natalie, Jeff and Michele are whooping it up, racing around, grabbing bills, and shoving them into their panties and whatnot. Jeff opens the glass doors and yells for Jordan to get the hell out here, so now all the house guests are raking in the bucks while Kevin is straddling a box in the HOH Room.

The monitor then tells Kevin that there's a key hidden somewhere in the house that will free him. He starts yelling, but it takes a while for the scampering house guests in the courtyard to even think about Kevin.

Natalie finally goes looking, follows his hollering to the HOH Room, and Kevin tells her that she needs to find the key to set him free. Then Kevin watches on the monitor as Natalie goes right back to the courtyard and starts grabbing bills again. Bitch. (And you need to remember that, Kevin.)

Then Jeff decides something isn't right, and finds Kevin as well. This time Kevin lies (Kevin would lie? really? I know you're shocked) and tells Jeff that "the only way you can keep the money is find the key." So Jeff promptly marches downstairs, finds the key rather easily, throws it in his cash bucket, and marches back out side.

Kevin is not impressed seeing this on the monitor. But really, Kevster, all you said was "find the key to keep the money". You didn't say "find the key and then UNLOCK my ass and you can keep the money." You gotta be clear, girl, especially when you're dealing with Jeff.

Eventually Natalie and Jeff release Kevin, who manages to scrape up a few bucks before it's all gone. Then it's time for the Veto Competition.

It's another of those race-against-the-clock things where they morph two house guest faces and you have to figure the two out and hit a buzzer. As usual, some of the combos are pretty butt-ugly, and Natalie finally says something that I actually found funny: "I promise America that I will never have a child with Michele."

And Michelle wins! Great for her. Not so great for Jeff and Jordan, considering the dynamics in the house right now.

Then Jeff totally screws up. Everyone is running around congratulating Michele, because you are SUPPOSED to do this even if it's your worst enemy that just won. And Michele is actually the one that approaches Jeff, trying to say "sorry". And what does he do? Yells at her "Get away from me" and stomps off.

You stupid, childish idiot.

Never mind that it was totally uncalled for, very unfair, and just plain wrong. Jeff has now dissed Michele in front of everybody. And dude, you NEED her vote and her support. You think she's gonna give it to you NOW?

You should have sucked it up and played it cool. As my partner Terry yelled from the other couch, "You got GOT!" Yep. Jeff just tumbled on my ratings chart.

Amazingly, we then see Jeff in the Diary Room: "I'll take all the blame and not talk smack." Uh, little late for that, don't you think?

Natalie and Kevin, all hopped up and excited: "Jeff is GONE!"

But then Kevin in the Diary Room: Natalie "keeps saying she'll win HOH next week. Natalie hasn't won ANYTHING." We know this. Why are you still listening to her?

Michele and Jeff in the courtyard. Michele: "I'm gonna fight to keep you." Oh really? (Michele in the Diary Room: "I NEED him.") Michele tells Jeff he really needs to start campaigning. With the odds in the house, there's really only one option here. She doesn't say it, but Jeff does: "Jordan's gotta go?"

If you want to win, she does.

Luckily for Jeff's conscience (I'm assuming he still has one despite what he did to Michele), Jordan has a glass of wine and loosens up enough to tell Jeff: "I haven't done ANYTHING to be here. You can win if you stay."

There's your open door, bud.

Kevin and Michele, with Michele really pushing to keep Jeff, and slamming the prospects with Natalie. ("She has friends in the jury house." True dat.) Kevin: "I know Natalie will dispose of me" when she's ready. Michele: Keep Jeff, and he can get rid of Natalie for you. No blood.

That Michele gal is pretty dang smart, hoo boy.

So we get to the Veto Meeting. Naturally, Michele takes herself off. And Kevin puts up Jordan. No surprise.

Natalie gets all cocky in the Diary Room. She thinks she's won this thing already. Really. Can't. Stand. Her.

Final shot is Jordan in the Diary Room: "I want Jeff to stay here over me."

So, unless there's some major political maneuvering before Thursday's live eviction, here's how it's going to play out. Natalie will vote to evict Jeff. Michele will vote to evict Jordan. Which means Kevin has to break the tie.

Do we really think Kevin has the balls to risk the wrath of Natalie and send Jordan home instead? And to be fair, on the flip side, is it a smart move for Kevin to keep Jeff in the house? Kevin's decision could actually set him up to win the game. Or completely lose it for him. (It's all about who is in the jury house, people, and how they got there.)

We'll find out on Thursday.

#66 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 23

We start out with the HOH Competition still in full swing. House guests are running up and down the slippery "graham crackers" and trying to fill a bowl with chocolate.

Jeff: "Someone falling down is the funniest thing."

And so we see lots of shots of Jordan, busting her ass. (And it WAS funny, even though you knew it had to be painful, and as decent human beings we shouldn't laugh at pain. Yet I did. Sue me.) But really, all of them were hitting the ground hard, especially Natalie. Speaking of:

Natalie in the Diary Room, realizing that Kevin was pulling ahead in the competition: "Why show the other house guests that I'm a strong competitor?" (When have you EVER shown that, Natalie?) So she starts slacking off and not trying at all.

Jeff notices this, and gets pissed.

Kevin notices this, gets pissed, and then decides to completely forgive her afterwards. Girl, wake up.

And Kevin wins HOH.

Quick scene with Natalie and Kevin, with Natalie thinking that next week's competition MIGHT involve questions, and Michelle is really smart. Maybe we should go after her? Isn't this a lovely world where stupid people want to take out smart people because those smart people might get in their way? (You know, like the Bush Administration.)

Scenes with Michelle, alone, crying all over the place. "I'm all by myself!" Well, it's a little sad, because those were real tears, with you choking and getting snotty and all. But you know what? Maybe you should dry those eyes, get off your sorry ass, and GO TALK TO PEOPLE. Quit laying around, clutching a stuffed unicorn of dreams and waiting for the good-luck fairies to swoop down and bless you. Get a grip.

So we tromp upstairs to check out Kevin's HOH Room. All the girls are squealing about the hotness of Kev's partner. (Kevin in the Diary Room: "He MY man." Hands off, bitches.) Then Kevin reads the letter from his partner (Alphonso?) , and breaks down a bit. In the letter, his man tells Kevin to let his inner beauty factor into his decisions. It's sweet.

Sadly, I think we're already past that point. Kevin told a big-ass lie to Jeff, and it's affected everything in the house for the last two weeks. The Queen is dirty, sayin.

Jordan in the Diary Room, talking about her family losing their house: "You don't realize what you have until you lose it." Very true. And it's "good to know you can go home to be with honest people that love you." I really love Jordan. Wouldn't it be fun if she managed to somehow win a critical competition that launches her into the end game? Just something to think about.

Natalie and Jordan in a discussion, with Natalie telling Jordan she hopes Kevin will "stick to the plan for Michelle to be gone." What is THAT? Did I miss something?

Jeff wanders into this scene just as Natalie is called to the Diary Room. Jordan whispers to Jeff that she thinks Kevin is going to put up her and Michelle, and then surprise Jeff with a backdoor. Jeff doesn't think so, he has an agreement with Kevin and Natalie. Dude, don't be so stupid and trusting.

Then we have an extended scene where Jordan is not clear on the difference between a peach and a nectarine. All played for laffs. But seriously, would YOU know the difference? Just sayin.

Followed by another extended scene where a dragonfly apparently causes Natalie to go into convulsions when it simply flies by her. Okay, this girl is some sort of martial arts black belt something or other, and she's freaked by an insect? Natalie, do you have ANY redeeming qualities? Name one. Please.

And yet another extended scene, and initially we have Kevin and Michelle, with Kevin saying "I'm in a pickle" about the nominations. Then worthless Natalie wanders in, followed by Jordan, still confused about fruit. Natalie to Michelle: "It's us two against you three." Then Jeff joins the party, and Natalie says flat out: "Put Michelle up, I don't trust anything out of her mouth."

Uh, is Natalie pulling strategy here? Yes, she confirms it in the Diary Room. She wants Jeff to think he's safe.

Later, Kevin and Natalie double-team Jeff and Jordan, pushing the Michelle angle some more. Natalie is still playing strategy to surprise Jeff, but then we have Kevin in the Diary Room: "Sending Michelle home would make everyone else happy." Possibly. But you know what the bigger win would be, Kevin? Sending Natalie home. THAT would make everyone happy. Risky, but your stock value could go through the roof. You'd be a free agent, with offers coming from everywhere.

Then we have Kevin, Natalie, Jeff and Jordan lying around (I guess Michelle was still off blubbering somewhere), with Kevin asking Jeff questions about "the perfect girl". Kevin intentionally asks questions that put Jordan in a bad light. What are you DOING, Kevin? This is the "bad queen" side of you coming out. Interestingly enough, Natalie actually tries to twist things around so that Jordan doesn't look so unworthy of Jeff's attention.

Kevin and Michelle in the HOH Room. Kevin: "I can't figure you out." Michelle: "They never tell me what they're going to do." (Exhibit A: The whole Russell thing.) This is where Michelle could work some strategy to save her ass. But she doesn't. Girl just does not know how to PLAY.

Kevin, Jordan and Jeff in the HOH Room. Kevin: "Anything I do at this point is not personal." (Which should set off alarms, right?) They talk a bit more, and Jordan eventually leaves, but Jeff wants to stay. Jeff: "I did my part of the deal." Kevin: "You're not going to like what I have to say." He wants to put Jeff and Jordan up.

Jeff: "Why not put Jordan and Michelle up, let me win POV, and take Jordan off." (Okay, that's a little bit cocky, like Jeff is guaranteed a win, but let's go with it for now.) Kevin: But that means "Natalie has to go up." Jeff: "Then we vote Michelle out."

Jeff really pushes the "agreement" that he has with Kevin. ("I broke my alliance to save you". Which he did.) But will Kevin honor that? Instinct says no. Kevin stood by Lydia WAY longer than he should have. And now he's paired with Natalie. Kevin is not a risk-taker. And you have to be one in this game.

Totally unrelated comment concerning a commercial break at this point: We are treated with the revelation that there is now a "vibrating" mascara on the market that will give you even lusher eyelashes than ever before. This mascara device has its own battery. Are you KIDDING me? Good gawd.

Back to the show, with Kevin announcing his nominations for eviction: It's Michelle and Jeff. Kevin, dude, you just lost any trust with Michelle, Jeff AND Jordan. So either you or Natalie has to win POV to keep your move alive. I'll give Kevin credit, he's won a few things. But Natalie? Did you really think this thing out?

Game on.

#65 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 22

We start at the end of the Veto Ceremony, where Jeff pulled Kevin off the block and put Russell up. As Natalie and Russell climb out of the nomination chairs, Natalie is grinning so hard that I thought her head would snap in two. Girl just does NOT have a poker face.

Jeff: "Let the weirdness begin."

Jeff in the Diary Room: Says he decided to do the backdoor because he really believes that Natalie and Kevin will save him next week. Poor thing. You're pretty, but just a wee bit simple.

Russell in the Diary Room: He picked the wrong guy. I am going to tear this place UP.

Then we have a few scenes with Kevin and Natalie still talking "final four" with Jordan and Jeff, mixed in with scenes of Kevin and Natalie still vowing to take Jeff down. Earlier in the game, these two losers wouldn't be worth the time of day. With the house down to 6, this is a serious issue. Can Jeff figure it out? Hope so, but he also thought "technotronics" was a word.

Russell and Michelle after the POV Ceremony. She cries, and they hug quite a bit. He tells her that he hopes she wins. It's actually very sweet. But she doesn't deserve to win. Sorry.

Then we have the first of the fully-expected Russell blow-ups. Jeff tries to be decent, and actually approaches Russell in the courtyard to talk it out. Russell is okay for a bit, then he launches, telling Jeff that he better win the game, because if Jeff gets evicted, Russell will, basically, beat the hell out of Jeff when he gets to the Jury House. Nice.

Jeff tries to keep things under control, telling Russell to "drop the anger" and "man up." And he does an okay job, but he gets just a little bit cocky, and eventually doesn't have any comebacks for Russell other than saying "you got got" about 46 times. Still, Russell is the jerk here.

Later, over a game of pool, Russell tries working Kevin. Russell: I can take Jeff out, and there will be no blood on your hands. You could own the game and pull the smartest move by keeping me.

Kevin in the Diary Room: "I could keep Natalie or I could keep Russell." Um, yes, those are your two options. Thanks for sharing.

Then we have another Russell blow-up, where he starts out taunting Jeff but then switches to Jordan, and we learn that Miss Southern Charm can sure as hell dish it back. She's in his face just as much as he's in hers. (When she raced over to Russell and shouldered him in the chest? I high-fived MYSELF. Good stuff.)

Russell is completely over the top with his remarks, although he does get in some smart jabs to the other house guests: "Would Jeff save YOU?" Good point. But running around like a lunatic and making everyone very uncomfortable is not going to help your case.

I just don't understand why, after 11 seasons of this show, that some of the houseguests still don't understand that acting crazy-ass doesn't really get you anywhere. (Yes, a few people have been successful with shouting and intimidation. But in the big picture? Not so much. Most of the psycho screamers end up in a limousine headed to the Jury House.)

Speaking of the Jury House, we then switch over to that little palace, where Jessie is running around in some truly dumb-ass pink tights and nothing else. On what planet do you think people would actually find that outfit sexy? It's certainly not this one, but good luck with it.

Then Lydia, who has sworn to make Jessie's life a living hell for his lies, arrives at the Jury House with her frightening pink hair. She sort of disses him for the way he treated her, not really meaning it and fake-punching him. But within seconds she's alone on camera, drool dripping from her chin as she salivates about being alone in the house with him for a week.

And how many people went home before THIS beyotch? Please.

Interesting side note: Jessie fesses up to the camera that Jeff has pulled some really smart moves, and he'll probably vote for Jeff in the end. And there's the dichotomy with Jessie. He's not stupid, and he does respect good gameplay, but he's just so annoyingly arrogant that you would rather have an organ removed than spend any time in the same room with him.

So it's time for Julie to have her little "pre-vote" interview with all the houseguests, where she asks basically pointless questions just to fill up time. And she does just that, with the only mildly interesting query being when she asks Jordan how it's been in the house this week. Jordan is NONE too happy about Russell, "calling me fat and telling me to go eat cookie dough."

Julie does announce that the "have/have not" competitions are over. (The houseguests cheer.) But there are still surprises coming up. (The houseguests all immediately reach for mood stabilizers.)

Jeff in the HOH Room, with Julie throwing out questions. Normally, this is also fluff. But for some reason Julie seems intent on getting a message to Jeff, something she typically doesn't bother with but will still do so from time to time. (It's a wee bit unfair, but since she only seems to do it with decent houseguests that people like, I'm all for it.)

Jules: Why Russell?

Jeffy: I had to make the move now before it's too late.

Jules: Did this make or break you?

Jeffy: Make.

(He's not getting her hint, so she gets a little more direct.)

Jules: How confident are you with Natalie and Kevin?

Jeffy: If they put me up, I can still fight for the Veto.

Okay, then. Julie tried. Jeff should understand that Julie doesn't often do this, and he should mull over what she just said. Did he get it? Not sure.

Back downstairs for the actual Eviction Vote and the "save me" speeches:

Natalie: To CBS and all the producers, thanks for this wonderful opportunity. And to my fellow houseguests, thank you in advance for keeping me in the house.

Well, then. I guess the producers once again held back some key scenes, because Natalie's demeanor is not just hopeful, she's fully confident.

Russell: He does throw out that "personal attacks are part of the game." (I don't really agree with that, but so be it.) Otherwise, he's very cordial and decent. Actually kind of surprised.

We have the vote, and it's 3-0 to send Russell out. And Russell surprises me again by being a perfect gentleman on the way out the door. He's actually very classy about it.

In the exit interview with Julie, Russell fesses up that his eviction was "the smartest thing Jeff could do." He doesn't hate on anybody, explaining that his outbursts were all nothing but strategy and it just didn't work for him. Sort of makes you wonder what the game would have been like if he'd played it a different way, right?

Then again, I guess you could say that about anybody in this game. Except for Chima.

During the tape of houseguest "goodbyes", Jordan tells Russell that "I strongly, strongly dislike you as a person." See, she's sweet even when she's dissing somebody.

Time for the HOH Competition, and this one involves people carrying little cups of liquid over a slippery runway and trying to fill a giant bowl at the other end. So we know right away that we aren't going to have an immediate winner.

Personal note to the BB producers: I know you think it's "suspenseful" when you do this, making us wait until the next episode to find out who actually won. But with modern technology and your own airing of "Big Brother After Dark" every night, I can't even get on the Internet for fear of accidentally seeing something I don't want to see until the next episode.

I'm a faithful viewer who tunes in and gets you ratings. Give me some respect. Don't penalize me with these "tune in and find out" teaser competitions when half the planet already knows who won before the next episode. I know you won't change, because it's all about the money, but it was worth a shot.

Anyway, we end the show with the houseguests still running back and forth filling their bowls, and Julie announcing to the audience that there's an upcoming HOH twist. Final shot is of a weird door with a question mark on it.

Hmm.

#63 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 21

We pick up right after the nominations, with Jeff making an aside to Russell that "I did wanna hear a 'thank you, Jeff'" Oh? No thank you? Russell, dude, that's one thing you should know by now about BB. You ALWAYS say thank you when your key is pulled at the Nomination Ceremony, but especially if you had a strong chance at going up. It's just good business.

Russell in the Diary Room: "I was very surprised at the nominations." So did you think you should have gone up? Hmm.

Later, Russell and Jeff in a conversation. Russell: "I'll never put you up and I'll never vote against you." Dude, part two, don't say that at this point in the game. Statements like that will burn you when there are only 6 people left and anything can happen.

Jeff in the Diary Room: Still pissed that he used the Coup d'Etat to save Russell, and Russell still voted to keep Jessie.

Scene with Natalie and Kevin pushing Jordan for a final-four deal. Jordan in the Diary Room: "I trust them more than Russell." Poor thing. But at least you look pretty.

Jeff and Jordan in the HOH Room, with Jeff surprisingly getting harsh with Jordan about her needing to be more focused. There's some truth to that angle, but the delivery was too abrasive. Where is that coming from? Jordan ends this round by saying "you worry about yourself and I'll worry about me." More to come.

Russell buzzing at the HOH Room and getting no response. WE can see that Jordan and Jeff are just asleep, but of course Russell thinks they are just ignoring him and hits another paranoia peak. He races to the courtyard to dish with Michelle. "Do you think they are gonna backdoor one of us?"

Scene with most of the houseguests in the courtyard, lounging, and Jordan asks Kevin, in a very considerate way, if she can ask a few questions about being gay. (There's something very comforting about Southern charm and manners, just sayin.) Kevin opens up, and everyone is very supportive. (Did I spy Russell taking notes?) Kevin in the Diary Room, commenting on the support: "I wish the WHOLE WORLD was like this."

Amen, sister brother. Because we're not there yet. Many miles to travel.

Michelle visits Jeff in the HOH Room to talk strategy. Jordan is there, but she's got headphones on and is clearly listening to some music. Michelle asks flat out: "Who's going home?" Jeff waffles a bit, depends on how the Veto plays, blah blah. Then Michelle wanders off.

So Jeff then snaps at Jordan for not participating in the conversation. She's all, hello, I had the headphones on, I didn't know what you were talking about. He's mad because apparently she was supposed to rip the headphones off and jump into a discussion that did not directly involve her. It gets heated.

Michelle wanders back in on the tail end of this, and gives Jordan a hug, saying "I'm sorry." This sets Jeff off, and he snaps at Michelle as well, all bent out of shape. (Kudos to mousey Michelle for saying "Well, you get kind of mean sometimes.")

Just WHAT is up Jeff's butt this episode?

They get back to gameplay strategy, and Michelle slips up by saying something like "glad we're safe" (meaning her and Russell). Oopsy. Jeff latches on to that and runs with it. "Why are you always saying 'us' instead of 'I'?" Fair question. Michelle looks appropriately flummoxed, makes sure she says "I" in her final statement, then she wanders off again.

Jordan with Natalie and Kevin, telling them that they are 100% safe. Girl, don't tell them that. Those two will twist it around and use that against you the first chance they get. Jordan leaves, and Natalie and Kevin are all "We've got to get them!", meaning Jeff and Jordan. Kevin further confirms this in the Diary Room: "We are gonna stab them in the back!"

Then we get to the Veto Competition, and this one involves a giant, messy jungle full of bananas with various houseguest names on the bananas. The object is to listen to a clue, figure out which houseguest they are talking about, then race to find the appropriate banana and not be the last one back up this steep, slippery incline.

Natalie is the first one out. ("I can't win ANYTHING." Exactly. So why are you still here?) Then Russell is out, followed by Kevin and Michelle. Jeff wins. He has HOH and POV. The game is now his to either fine-tune or totally screw up.

Quick scene with Kevin and Jeff, with Kevin asking Jeff to take him off the block. Hey, never hurts to ask, right? Something the next houseguest should take to heart:

Russell in the Diary Room: "I haven't asked Jeff directly who he's putting up." (Why the hell not? People, this is the number one rule in BB that folks should follow but most can't figure this out: DON'T sit on your ass and cross your fingers. Talk to people. Find out what's going on. You may get lied to, but at least you tried.) Russell does promise that there will be hell to pay if he's nominated.

Natalie and Kevin meet with Jeff, and both swear 100% that they will not even put him up. Of course they're completely lying. They fully intend to go after Jeff.

Russell and Michelle in the courtyard. Russell: "I won't forget this stress Jeff has put us through?" Um, did you not read what I just said about it's your own dumbass fault for not talking to Jeff? The stress is entirely of your own making. Russell: They think Chima was bad? If either of us go up, it's on.

Russell, did you forget what finally happened to Chima? Just sayin.

But Russell then brings up a good point. If Jeff doesn't play this just right, then next week Jeff could face 3 people in the house against him and Jordan. With Jeff unable to play for HOH, so the hope would be on Jordan to win. Love ya, Jordan, but those are some pretty bad odds.

So we get to the Veto Ceremony, and the two nominees make their little speeches. Natalie is actually decent, if you think she can help you get closer to the end, then save me. Kevin, he's not so honest. "I've been playing straightforward in this game." Uh, no you have not. Your lied to Jeff, even though your words were true in another context. But you did not hear what you told Jeff you heard.

So at this point, even though I'm no fan of Natalie, if Jeff is going to pull a backdoor, he should save Natalie and not Kevin. (Then again, Kevin asked to be saved, Natalie did not. Communication, people!)

Jeff pulls Kevin, and puts Russell up. Jeff to Russell: "I couldn't get past the Jessie vote." (Fair enough, Russell should not have voted to keep Jessie after Jeff saved his ass.) And "You're too close to Michelle." (Not so fair, Jeff. You're a little bit close with Jordan, wouldn't you say?)

Jeff in the Diary Room: "I expect fireworks." And fireworks you shall get.

Michelle in the Diary Room: "I gotta separate myself from Russell or I'm going up next week." Not if he doesn't leave. Think about it. You are a scientist, right?

Russell in the Diary Room: "Jeff, that was a dumb move. If I go home, you're next."

And that just might be true.

See you on Thursday.

#60 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 20

We start off a repeat shot of Jordan responding to Lydia's drunken slurs: "I think everybody here knows I'm not a ho." Thanks for clearing that up, BB producers.

The HOH competition is still going on, with peeps trying to get aluminum cans in the plastic tubes. They stretch this out WAY too long. All you need to know is that both Kevin and Russell use the option to throw a disadvantage to other players, the rest of the competitors remain sportsmanlike, and Jeff wins.

Russell in the Diary Room: "I'm the strongest competitor." Dude, you just lost again. How can you qualify that statement?

Kevin in the Diary Room: "I need to convince Jeff that I'm not a threat." Dude-ette, you lied to Jeff and almost got Russell back-doored. Whether Russell deserves it or not, you lied. How are you not a threat?

Kevin and Natalie, chatting about how to save their asses from the block this week. Hey, let's make a final-four deal with Jeff and Jordan! Natalie: "We're loyal and don't talk behind people's backs." What? How can you justify that?

Okay, I'm officially starting a campaign to change the Big Brother catchphrase. "Expect the Unexpected" is old and tired. How about "Expect Delusional People Who Are In Denial." Sound good? Please sign the petition and forward it to your closest friends.

Jordan in the Diary Room: "Mom always said men think with their penises. I one hundred percent agree!" She is so cute. Even when she can't tell time or sits around wondering how spiders do it.

Russell goes to talk to Jeff in the HOH Room, while Jordan and Michelle are also in the room, sprawled around in various states of boredom. Russell to Jeff: "Any problems with me?" Jeff: Oh, just that big rumor that you are out to get me, that's all. Russell tries to explain that he is not after Jeff and has never said anything like that.

Russell tries to get Michelle to cover his back, but she's kind of useless, doing a little bit more damage than good. (Girl does NOT have a poker face.) Luckily, Jeff does not have just a tremendous amount of brain cells, so he seems okay with Russell for now.

A bit later, it's just Jeff and Jordan in the HOH Room, and she's not buying what Russell has to sell. Jeff: Do you wanna call him out? Jordan thinks that's a splendid idea, and they race out to the courtyard.

The scene in the courtyard with those two and Russell is actually fairly calm, especially since hot-head Russell is involved. He, of course, has to waffle a bit and choose his words carefully. This whole plot line is twisted because, even though Russell and Michelle DID discuss taking Jeff out, Jeff and Jordan only know this because of Kevin's lie about actually hearing them say that.

Then we discover that Jeff has been tending a "vegetable patch" in the courtyard, and he does this while shirtless and dripping wet and waving a garden hose around. We see reaction shots of Jordan watching him, salivating with lust and having to adjust her bikini. We also have Kevin in the Diary Room, where he fans himself while talking about Jeff "watering it with his hose" and fantasies of Jeff "mowing his lawn".

We have a poker game with Jeff, Natalie and Russell. During such, Natalie makes an offhand comment about Russell's skills (like you would hear in any game where you have to bluff, that's the art of it) but Russell goes ballistic. That boy has GOT to get it under control or he will never win.

Michelle goes up to Jeff in the HOH Room, just wants to know if "the plan" is still in effect and that she and Russell are safe. Jeff tells her everything is fine. Then a quick shot of him in the Diary Room, telling us he said that just to make them happy.

Side bit with Michelle in the Diary Room, explaining that the other houseguests "have no idea what I do" as a neuro-scientist. Scene with her and Jeff in the courtyard. Jeff: "You gotta come up with something new? Like invent something? Wow. I was impressed when I made a Lego castle. With directions."

Kevin and Natalie approach Jeff, offering up a "final four" plan and claiming they are loyal. (To themselves, maybe. To any other house guest? Don't count on it. And besides, they're still lying about what they've done in the house.) Jeff offers a plan: Put them up as pawns and then backdoor Russell. The two of them squirm while the camera lingers on their panicked faces. Whoops.

Jeff repeats this plan to Jordan, but also says maybe he should just put up Russell and Michelle to get Kevin and Natalie on his side. So who knows what's going to happen at this point.

Russell in the Diary Room, just before the nominations: "I would put up Michelle and myself. Smart move." See, he's not stupid. He just short-circuits any time an emotion of any kind is involved.

Time for the actual Nomination Ceremony. Interestingly enough, Russell's key is the first out of the box, a place normally reserved for you best ally. Jordan's key is last out, and she politely grins during the whole process, but you know she's ready to kick Jeff's butt for thinking that was funny.

Turns out that Jeff has nominated Natalie and Kevin. Jeff tries to keep the mood light, telling Natalie that "you're used to it" by now and should be fine. To Kevin, he explains that "you need the full BB experience" and that includes a nomination.

Right after in the Diary Room, Jeff tells us that he did the Russell key thing to make him feel safe. Then adds that Russell just might have to pay the reaper this week.

We'll find out on Tuesday.

Editor's Note: We're down to six people. As always happens with the episodes when we get to this point, the shows start to get a little boring. There's just not enough stupid people doing stupid things anymore, and they have to fill the hour with inane fluff pieces and boring shots of people getting a tan.

But I will try to keep the funny up in the grill. Word.

#56 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 19

We start with the BB announcer letting us know that tonight we will have a "live" POV Competition, a "live" Eviction, and a "live" HOH Competition. Wow. The tech crew is going to be really busy for the next little bit.

I'm pretty sure producer Allison Grodner is none too happy about the Chima shenanigans that led to cramming all this into one hour. I don't think Chima will be getting a Christmas card this year.

Natalie in the Diary Room: "I have no true friends in this house." Really? Think that might have something to do with you putting all your hormonal eggs in the Jessie basket?

Then we see Jordan meeting with Natalie in the pantry. Jordan tells Nat "You're the pawn. I want Lydia out." Why did you do that, Jordan? With the wackiness this week, just keep your mouth shut until after the POV comp. Things can backfire. And do you seriously think that Natalie is not going to run tell the others what you just said?

Natalie runs to tell the others what Jordan just said. Well, she actually only tells Kevin, but you get the picture. Kevin and Natalie then try to cheer Lydia up, saying she just has to win the POV. Lydia gets back in touch with reality for a brief second and says: "In case you haven't noticed, I haven't won sh** in this house." Oh, I noticed, girl. Which makes your stupid actions in the house even more baffling.

Russell tells Michelle: "If you ever go up, I'll take you off." We're just alike, you and me, playing to win. Let's see, that means that Russell has now officially promised to "have the back" of more houseguests than actually started the game, never mind the remaining 7. Dude, it's gonna bite you, just sayin.

Russell in the Diary Room: "Jordan should have taken out Michelle or me." And there's the cockiness again. And the shifting alliances. He still has a chance, but he's juggling a lot of promises right now, and gravity might kick his ass.

Then we have Natalie, Kevin and Lydia in a night-vision scene, where Natalie asks Lydia how many times she hooked up with Jessie. Turns out there was at least one situation where Lydia "serviced" Jessie under the covers in the HOH Room. We even get to see a shot of Lydia, post-service, tumbling out of the bed and racing off.

Put THAT picture in your scrapbook, Lydia. Proud of yourself?

We're almost to the point of a cat fight between Natalie and Lydia, and Kevin sends them out of the room because he's over it and needs some sleep. Amazingly, after traipsing to another room, Lydia and Natalie bond, and decide that Jessie was playing them both and they hate him. Really? So I guess the drunken eulogy with the two of you and Chima drinking the Jessie Wine wasn't worth the runny mascara after all? Just sayin.

A few scenes later, Kevin, Natalie and Lydia come up with a plan to say that Michelle and Russell have a "final two" endgame plan, and that their next target is Jeff. Natalie dubs this plan the "Bosley and the Two Angels" operation. Natalie is clearly missing a few chromosomes.

So Kevin starts the tactical move, telling Jeff, while they are alone in the courtyard, that Michelle and Russell are gunning for him. Jeff buys it. (Poor Jeff, really nice and decent guy, but he'll never get an invitation from Mensa.) He runs to tell Jordan, and wants to backdoor Russell this week. Jordan is not so sure this is the best plan. (Good girl.)

Side note, on a subject that I have whined about before: Why are these houseguests so FILTHY? There's crap all over the floor, with jockstraps and panties hanging from the light fixtures. Pick UP after yourself. We know you have the time. Geez.

Natalie gets the phone call from home that she won during the last HOH competition. Her dad seems decent, Natalie cries even though she said she wouldn't, and we learn that Daddy has raised Natalie on his own. Good for him. Still don't like her, sorry. She just doesn't have the maturity to understand that you have to earn what you want.

So we get to the POV competition, one of those "before or after" things about events in the house. Jordan eventually wins. Yay!

Julie tells the folks that they have a few minutes to strategize before the actual POV ceremony. We see shots of Jordan and Jeff talking to Kevin in the pantry. WHY? Are they actually buying his crap about the Russell/Michelle lie? Boo!

So I'm actually expecting a backdoor at the POV ceremony. But Jordan lets the nominations stand. Whew!

Time for the actual Eviction. Now, because we normally only see a small smidge of what's happening in the house, the votes are actually locked in way before the ceremony, and the "save me" speeches from the nominees are usually pointless. But this was a crazy week. Meaning this little speech might save your ass.

Natalie takes advantage of this, and actually makes some valid points. "I have nothing." She's all alone, and is ready to stay in the game by doing what she needs to do. Lydia, of course, makes the weak, standard plea that you should "vote for who will further you in this game". Lydia's not even trying.

And she gets the boot. (Kevin is the only one who votes to keep her.)

I really expected Lydia to twist off as she left the house, but instead she hugs only Kevin and then races out the door. In the exit interview with Julie, she's fairly calm. The only exciting part is when she tells Julie they better have cameras in the Jury House when she deals with Jessie.

Then it's time for the HOH Competition, and Julie tells everyone that this event is in keeping with BB's theme this season of "recycling". Say what? Did we know that was the theme? I didn't catch that. The only time I saw anything being reused was when Natalie and Lydia fished Chima's microphone out of the hot tub.

Anyway, the competition involves the houseguests trying to drop aluminum cans into plastic tubes. The winner is whoever gets 24 in the tubes first, or the best total after an hour. And then we cut away. We'll find out the result on Sunday.

And then the entire production crew collapses in an exhausted sweat, after jumping through hoops all week because of the Chima meltdown. Did I mention that Chima has been banned from appearing on any CBS-owned network, including MTV and VH1? Cracks me up.

Am I being too hard on Chima? No. She didn't have anything happen to her that hasn't happened a hundred times on this show. (And far worse things have happened. How long do you think Chima would have survived on Evel Dick's season? Seriously.)

Bottom line, don't come up in this house if you aren't willing to fight for the money. To stick it out, suck it up, and do what you have to do. THAT is a winner.

Word.

#53 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 18

Hoo boy. Did we have some crazy up in the house tonight or what?

We already knew that "someone" was going to be pulled out of the house for breaking the rules. The announcer guy enticed us with that at the end of the last episode, and then he brought it up at the beginning of this one. But he also throws in "and a new HOH will be crowned" and I hit the brakes. WHAT? I knew right away we were in for a ride.

Michelle in the Diary Room on nominating Chima: "I actually like Chima." (Okay, you lose a few points for that admission. You're back on the iffy list.) ""But I wanna win."

Jordan in the Diary Room about Jessie's Girls: "They are whiners, they are rude, the list goes on and on." Gimme five, sister.

Scene with Chima talking to the other J-Girls (including Kevin), already whining that she wants to go home. (Because she's not getting her way, the little baby.) Kevin to Chima: "That's not fair to US." Which is a valid statement. You're a vote, girl. Walking out means you hurt the J-Girls, and more of them can go home. The problem with that argument is that Chima can't think of anyone but herself.

Chima to the J-Girls: "I'm not giving them the satisfaction of voting me out."

A bit later, Chima rips of her microphone, the deadly no-no in this game. We hear Big Brother tell her to please put it back on.

Okay, I know that in some respects I should just let the Chima thing go. But I can't help it. Because I like this show, but I want real players who respect the art of the game. Girl, WHY are you even on here? You should never have signed up for this if you can't take the heat of DESERVEDLY being nominated.

And while I'm fuming about that, we start seeing clips of all the OTHER times Chima has not done as told. Lot of shots of Chima refusing to wear her microphone, refusing to go to the Diary Room when requested, covering up the cameras with a blanket, on and on. Some of these clips go back to DAY 6.

Okay, Chima's bitchiness aside, the BB producers should have pulled her ass out of the house a LONG time ago. There are rules, people. You don't want to follow them, then you LEAVE the house. It's pretty simple to me. Once again, the producers have unfairly kept someone on the show just for ratings.

Back to current time, Chima joins the other J-Girls out in the courtyard to practice for an upcoming competition. Big Brother repeatedly asks Chima to put on her microphone. She cusses them and ignores them. Kevin runs to get her microphone and brings it to Natalie, Natalie brings it to Chima, and Chima throws it in the pool.

You have got to be kidding me.

Lydia in the Diary Room, totally stunned that Chima is pulling this crap.

Jeff in the Diary Room: "Her FRIENDS were telling her to stop it" and she wouldn't.

Natalie and Lydia fish the microphone out of the pool, but of course it's not working right by now. (And while they are fishing, Nat and Lyd are actually concocting a story that Chima "dropped" the microphone into the pool. Hello? There are 712 cameras on your ass AND your conversation. Can you seriously be that stupid?) Kevin runs to get a replacement. Chima does put that one on, but then starts cussing into the microphone and telling BB to "suck her ****". Real classy lady.

Then Big Brother is telling her to go to the Diary Room. She refuses.

BB Producer Allison Grodner gets on the intercom and tells Chima that she needs to go to the Diary Room right now.

Chima takes her time, but finally moseys to the Diary Room. Once inside, we hear what I assume is Allison tell her "No need to sit down. You're gonna go out this way", and Chima is shuffled off to the right.

Wow. Loved the slam at the end. We're done with you, bitch. Just keep moving.

Good. You wanna play that way, you don't deserve the money.

Kevin in the Diary Room: "The house is just on pause." We don't know what's going to happen.

Big Brother has the houseguests gather, and then Allison tells them that Chima clearly did not want to be in the house anymore, and that with the willful destruction of the microphone, she has been expelled.

Lydia: "Do we need to pack her things?"

Allison: "Yes. Those who were closest to her should do that, please."

Allison ends by saying that they will have an announcement about game play in the morning. Uh oh.

Kevin in the Diary Room, crying because he thought he should have done more. Girl. First, you did a lot more than you should have, Chima was out of control and needed to answer for her own actions. And second, why would you want to be associated with Chima in any way at this point?

Jordan sums it up precisely: "I lost respect for all of them for all of that." Amen, sister.

Then, amazingly, the three remaining J-Girls (Natalie, Lydia and Kevin) are packing up Chima's things, and Natalie has the astonishing nerve to blame MICHELLE for Chima having to leave the house. She rants on and on about this.

Then another shocker: Lydia, Queen of Delusion, briefly comes back to reality and refutes Natalie. She compares Chima to an alcoholic, that you can't change a person unless that person wants to change. This is a game, and Chima made a choice that cost her the game.

Wow. Am I getting a little bit of respect back for Lydia? We'll see.

But crazy Natalie continues to blame Michelle for everything.

Next morning, Michelle wanders out of the Diary Room with scripted words for the rest of the house. Her duties as HOH are over and her nominations are null. There will be a new HOH competition and Michelle cannot compete.

Okay, I am SO not right with that. Because CHIMA went off the deep end, Michelle has her rights as HOH taken away? No, sir. The BB producers are really on my nerves this season. Your own tapes show Chima being a problem all the way back to the first week. She should have been pulled before now. Chima should be the only one suffering for her actions, not Michelle.

And the shot of Natalie, grinning from ear to ear when she hears that Michelle can't compete in the new and unfair HOH? Can. Not. Stand. Her.

Amazingly, Michelle in the Diary Room: She's okay with it, the person she wanted out is out. But girl, you should have had the HOH luxuries for the full week, not a few days. You won fair and square. The right thing to do would be to let you put up another nominee and we go from there.

Kevin in the Diary Room: "This is a way to start fresh." No, honey. Your sister J-Girls are crazy and ate up with the dumbass. It's a downward spiral unless you get away from them.

Natalie in the Diary Room about the HOH Competition: "I have been running this house up until now and I really need to win." Yes, people. She said that. SHE has been running the house. Oh. My. GAWD.

So we get to the HOH competition, a putt-putt/golfing thing where you try to get the lowest score, the person with the highest score being eliminated each round.

Lydia is the first out. She promptly marches over and sucks down a mimosa. This can't be good. And she keeps sluggin them down.

Then Natalie drops. (Hallelujah.) Then Russell. (Not so good, but not so bad, he's still a wild card.) Then Kevin.

When Lydia realizes Kevin is out, the last hope for the J-Girls, she comes unwound and starts trashing Russell, Jordan, Jeff and Michelle. And we're not talking subtle little murmers to Natalie. She's yelling crap across the courtyard. (Uh, somebody wanna snatch those mimosas away from her?)

It's down to Jordan and Jeff. She's managed to hang on by some lucky putts, because she's really not that good. She does her final shot, and scores pretty high (meaning bad). Jeff then asks her if she really wants HOH. Yes, she does. She wants to hear from her family. So Jeff struts up to putt, and purposely knocks his ball out of bounds. Jordan wins HOH.

Russell in the Diary Room: "He's a standup guy. I really respected that."

Agreed. I want Jeff to win. Seriously. He's not the sharpest, can't spell, but he's a good guy.

But what does drunken Lydia do? She calls Jordan a fat whore. Very classy. My brief thought earlier that Lydia might be redeeming herself is in the toilet. She is just worthless trash.

But it doesn't stop there. Lydia goes completely off the rails and tears into everybody. The alcohol doesn't excuse it. She's just wrong on so many levels.

And Lydia goes even further. After the competition, she proceeds to dump out Michelle's beers in the sink. And then throws Michelle's food into the trash. Screaming and running around and telling everybody to evict her. Seriously, my words cannot even begin to describe how completely nutzo Lydia goes in the next several scenes.

What is in the freakin water in the BB house? Geez.

Jeff confronts Lydia, trying to get her back on this planet. "What's wrong with you?" and "Why not make this fun?" and "STOP yelling".

Lydia doesn't stop, cussing him, and demanding that he go with her to the Diary Room and end this right now. Jeff refuses, and Lydia starts screaming about how he's not man enough.

Jeff: "I'm not man enough to talk to a drunk person in the Diary Room?" Exactly. Got your back, bro.

Lydia stumbles off to the Diary Room on her own, where she promptly bursts into tears. Girl, you are a BAD drunk. I don't ever want to party with you. EVER. I don't care if you have a magical unicorn.

Then Jeff goes a little bit too far in sort of yelling at Natalie and Kevin that they need to get Lydia under control and talk some sense into her. It seems a little harsh, but what I think he's trying to say is, dudes, if you want to align yourself with THAT mess, why should I ever trust you. I get it.

But of course Natalie doesn't get it. She's twelve. She fake smiles and says you can't control a person like that, which is exactly what Lydia said to Natalie about Chima even though Natalie didn't buy it, just two seconds ago, but Natalie doesn't make the connection. Gawd she's stupid. Brief shot of Kevin not saying anything, because he's got to realize that he needs to step away from Lydia and Natalie, and step away NOW. Will he do it?

Time for everyone to see Jordan's HOH Room, and of course Lydia refuses to go. Jordan reads a letter from her Momma, which leads to her tears. We don't get all the details, but apparently Jordan had to sleep in the same bedroom with her Momma for years, they really don't have any money. All Jordan wants is to be able to buy a bigger house for her family.

And you have to pause at that, people. Everybody WANTS something, but so many people NEED something, desperately. Turns my stomach even more over waste-cases like Chima and Jessie who want it to be all about them. Call me a softie, but you should make sure your family has what they need, then you worry about yourself. End of soapbox.

Jordan on deciding about her nominations: "I want to protect Jeff and Michelle." No mention of Russell. Interesting. May not mean anything, just sayin.

We get to the actual Nomination Ceremony, and Jordan puts up Lydia and Natalie.

Jordan to Lydia: "You said you wanted to go. I'm giving you that chance."

Jordan to Natalie: "You're a strong player." Natalie: "And I plan to win POV."

Then we have Jordan in the Diary Room: Her actual target is Natalie, because she's a strong player. Don't really agree with that assessment, but I'll go with it.

Now, I just scrolled up for a review before I post, and I realized that I haven't provided as many laffs this time as some of you expect. My bad. But I think you might agree, this was one of the most intense psycho-drama episodes we have seen on Big Brother in a long time. Yes, Evel Dick stirred up a lot back in his day, but he planned all that. This was just crazy people doing crazy things all on their own.

So we'll end where we started.

Hoo boy.

#51 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 17

We open with reactions from various houseguests after Jeff has flipped the house by using the Coupe de Ville:

Jordan in the Diary Room: "I was in complete shock!" Really? Is that why your jaw dropped to the ground and stayed there? I thought you were just waiting for a bus to pull in there and park. You've got enough room in that head of yours.

Russell: "I was in shock and relief." Well, yeah. Julie was already installing the booster seat out on the stage for your exit interview.

Chima: "I. AM. LIVID!" Who cares. Next.

Then a scene where all the houseguests are sitting in the eviction area, and Jeff is explaining why he did what he did with the flip. (And Chima is screaming like a banshee at every word out of his mouth, because she's so polite and all.) But hold up. Jessie is still there. In the nomination chair.

So this scene is taking place AFTER Jeff has put Jessie up, but before the eviction has been announced. So I guess people are actually still voting, or they have voted and are waiting on Julie (who is busily taking DOWN the booster seat) to break the news. This is weird. They normally don't let us see ANY unsupervised houseguest chatter during the live eviction. Who is in charge of this thing?

Anyway, I thought Jeff did a very good job with what he said. It should have made sense even to those on the other side of the house split. But Chima is having none of it, yelling and spitting and threatening Jeff. Chima is really and truly a horrible person. You know her grandma has GOT to be ashamed.

Then we have Natalie in the Diary Room, sobbing hysterically: Why do the bad and evil people always win? "The good just seem to go down in flames."

Gee, if that's true, then I guess YOU won't be going down in flames, because you're not any good at all. Please.

This seems to be a recurring theme every season. The folks in the group who are terrorizing everyone else seem to think they are doing blessed and noble things. And they are stunned and outraged when someone decent tries to get them out of the house.

There must be a question on the BB application form that asks "Are you the type of person who thinks everything you do is right just because YOU are the one doing it?" If you have the ego to answer "yes", you probably automatically advance to the next interview. And I would imagine that Chima stapled her headshot pic to this question.

And it continues.

Chima in the Diary Room on Jessie's eviction, also sobbing: "It's like a family member dying!" Oh good gawd, woman. Are you serious? Try to get some focus in your life. Nobody died. And you saying something like that, over a six-week pretend friendship, is a slap in the face to people who really are grieving over relatives. That's just heartless. (Can you tell that I don't really care for Cheeze-ma?)

Lydia in the Diary Room, crying as well: "Jessie got into my heart, he didn't get into my head. If that makes me the weak player, that's fine. I'll be the weak player." You'll BE the weak player? Sweetie, not only have you already been there, you've made yourself at home there. And say hello to your roommate Natalie.

Kevin in the Diary Room: He's fine with Jessie going home and the Coup d'Etat thing. "Jessie dissed me. America is right."

Russell tells Jeff that if at some point they both get put up, and Russell wins POV, he will give the POV to Jeff. Just keepin his word. Interesting. Nice gesture to make up for Jeff saving your hide, but I'm not sure you should have said that. Might have to honor it, sayin.

Russell and Michelle in the HOH Room, trying to smooth over their troubled past. (Russ is wearing glasses, I haven't seen those before. Does he feel he needs to wear them when he talks to Michelle?) Michelle tells him she's not happy because he told everyone things she said in confidence to him, and that he's aggressive and pushy. Good girl.

Lydia, Natalie, Chima and Kevin are gathered around the kitchen table, and they bring out "Jessie's wine." What is that? Did he bring it in the house with him? Does he have his own vineyard? How is this HIS wine? They start making toasts to Jessie, although interestingly enough, Keven is not drinking the wine, even though he does participate in the toasting bit at first.

Jordan heads out into the courtyard and tells Jeff, Russell and Michelle that "they pulled out Jessie's wine bottle" in a tone of voice that really says "don't go in the kitchen unless you wanna barf at the sight."

At the drunken Jessie worship fest, where the tears and estrogen are flowing:

Lydia: "He prayed for all of us all the time." He did? I never saw that. Did you see that?

And it goes from there, with Lydia, Chima and Natalie trying to top each other with their stories of how every minute with Jessie was like basking in glorious sunlight. (Kevin is finally over it and slips away. "The guy was an idiot.")

They are so delusional with their words that I can't help but pull a Jordan Jaw Drop. The pen slips out of my hand and rolls off the couch onto the floor, and I don't even bother to capture the rest of the blather pouring out of their lips. This is truly amazing.

People, Jessie was NOT the Second Coming. Can you hear me in there? Hello?

Then it's time for the Have/Have Not Competition, something involving matching up casseroles by tasting their weird ingredients and winning food for a day and such. During this, Chima is a complete witch to everyone, especially Russell, screaming at him "don't look at me!" every time he comes anywhere near her. She is a spoiled baby that cannot stand not getting her way, and it's way overdue for her to leave the house.

Then a few scenes where we get to meet "Dae Yum Yum", Lydia's magical stuffed unicorn. We see her talking to it and playing with it, her eyes all lit up when she's doing so. I think this was supposed to play as "cute". Instead, it came off as a clinical training film on how to identify Infantile Regression. Kevin looks properly horrified off to the side.

Scene in the courtyard where Jeff and Jordan are being teased about being boyfriend/girlfriend and getting married. They play along, with Jordan eventually telling Jeff "I want a square-cut diamond. And you better put a lot of thought into it." They cute.

Natalie in the HOH Room, with Natalie slamming Russell and listing all of his horrible atrocities. Michelle politely listens, and then tells her "no one's clean" in this house.

Then Diana Ross, I mean Chima, takes her diva stab at talking to Michelle. Of course she starts to slam Russell, but Michelle stops her with: "I'm not gonna B.S. you. You're not going to like the nominations." (Michelle's value is slowly rising in my book, just throwing that out there.)

Chima, unable to deal with not getting her way, actually threatens Michelle with "He may be YOUR endgame if you don't put him up." Good move, Chima. Threaten the HOH, when she already doesn't care for you much at all. Oh that's right. You're in such denial that you don't think anything can happen to you. My bad.

Just before the nominations, Natalie: A little bit worried. "I haven't had to fight at all in this game." Well bless your bitter little 12-year-old heart. Figured that out all on your own, did ya?You can see LOTS of things when your face isn't covered by Jessie's ass.

Finally, the Nominations.

It's Chima and Natalie.

Michelle to Chima: "You're a strong player, but YOU would not take me to the end."

Michelle to Natalie: "Someone had to be in the other seat."

Immediately after, Chima in the Diary Room. Her head is about to spin right off, and those lips are spitting out a whole buncha hate on somebody. But we have no idea what she said, because they bleeped practically every thing. Interestingly enough, I think the only word that made it through was "bitch".

I just grabbed another beer and smiled.

But wait. The announcer dude throws a curveball at the very end. On Tuesday's show, one of the houseguest's will be removed from the house because they self-destruct.

What the HELL?

My first guess is Chima. She's been teetering for on the edge for a couple weeks now.

But then there's Russell. That boy has a quick and hot temper.

Or maybe somebody unicorn-naps Dae Yum Yum and Lydia snaps.

So many possibilities, really.

And hey, what about the the double eviction we're supposed to have on Thursday? Still on?

Hmm.

#50 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 16

Okay, two things. First, I apologize for this delayed posting on last Thursdays's show. Terry was out of town, and we agreed that I would not watch this thing until he got back today. Being supportive of each other and all that crap. Second, once Terry was back in da house and we were sitting down to watch Thursdays' episode, he was jacking around with the remote and we suddenly got a clip of what happened at the end of Thursday's episode.

Great. Now we weren't going to experience the drama of wondering whether or not Jeff was going to use the Coup d'Etat, and HOW he was going to use it if he did. (I would suspect that mis-usage of a remote control is one of the primary reasons why couples go into counseling. Just sayin.)

Sucks.

Now, on with the show, with me pretending that I don't know the outcome.

Julie tells us that the vote to give Jeff the Coup d'Etat was overwhelmingly in his favor. Well good, then. Maybe there's hope for America yet.

Kevin in the Diary Room: "I didn't want to use the POV because I don't want more enemies in the house, and I want to ensure that Russell has the votes to go home." Girl, it's okay, I get it. You did what you thought was best for you.

Why do SO many of the house guests not understand that this is a game, and that maybe your bestie in the house might have to do something that doesn't fully satisfy you. People like:

Lydia in the Diary Room: Kevin's reasons are "totally bogus." First, people don't use that phrase any more, it's SO two decades ago. And second, wipe off the roadkill mascara and try to fully open your eyes for once. You can't depend on other people to save your delusional ass. Maybe YOU should do something to save your butt. That thought ever cross your mind?

Side note: Why is it that the Big Brother house is so filthy? This episode in particular had tons of shots of trashed bedrooms. There's crap everywhere: popcorn (??) all over the floor, piles of shoes and underwear, clothes just thrown wherever. People. You have nothing to do for 23 hours every day. Why can't you pick up after yourselves? Filthy pigs, all of ya.

Jessie in a convo with Lydia, worried about the Coup d'Etat: "I've lost in this game before." Yes, you have. You were sent home because people don't like you. You were brought back by the BB producers because people don't like you. Do you see a pattern here? Of course not, your ego is in the way.

Jeff: "I LOVE having this power." Good for him.

Natalie: Jessie and I decided to spend the day with Jeff and Jordan in case one of them has the Coup d'Etat. And yet you haven't had ANYthing to do with them up until now. That won't look suspicious at all. And the plan fails, with Natalie not being able to play badminton with Jeff, and Jessie wimping out in the pool with Jordan because "he's cold." Puh-leeze.

Russell tries playing Jessie -
Russ: You can't win without me.
Jess: You didn't pick me to play in the last POV.
Russ: I didn't know if I could trust you.
Jess: I don't know if I can trust YOU.

Dudes, just go off and bang each other, everyone's expecting you to do that, the sexual tension is so thick. No one will ask you about it in the morning. Seriously. It's 2009 and we have a democrat in the White House. (Can I get a hallelujah?)

Russell goes to Michelle, they are the only two people in the crazy swimming pool bedroom, and they are WHISPERING about strategy. (Did you catch the part about whispering?) Cut to Natalie in the next room. Jessie wanders up to her, and she practically breaks her neck getting his attention, saying Russell is in there lying to Michelle. "They were so loud it woke me up!" Bitch, please. Unless you had your nappy head shoved against the wall, you couldn't have heard a thing.

Jessie storms into the swimming pool bedroom, starts a big-ass fight with Russell, and keeps throwing comments at Michelle that she shouldn't trust Russell, because he called her crazy just a few days ago. Okay, yes, Russell did do that, but Jessie, this is a private conversation and it is NOT YOUR PLACE. You have no business in here.

Chima in the HOH Room: About Russell, "I will be dancing on his grave" and "If Jeff uses the Wizard Power, there WILL be drama." Of course there will, Chima. Because you are so far up your own ass that you can reach out your mouth and do a finger snap. Sayin.

In case it's not clear, I can't stand Chima. Word.

Then we get to meet Chima's family, mostly her grandma. It's a fluff piece, but Grams lets us know two things: She's not really happy about Chima and her loud, abrasive mouth, and that Chima's name should be pronounced "Chee-ma", but Chima changed it to "Shee-ma". Which means the skank has been altering reality to fit her own needs since she first learned her own name. Does THAT spell it out for ya?

So it's time for the Eviction Vote, and right at the wire, my man Jeff stands up to use his Coup d'Etat powers. (The shot of Jordan's jaw hitting the ground was priceless, girl could not even pretend to help herself, even Julie broke emotionless robot mode and had to comment on that.)

So Jeff pulls Lydia off the block and replaces her with Natalie. (Lydia, if you have any sense at all left in that head of yours, you will remember and honor this.)

Then Jeff pulls Russell of the block, and replaces him with Jessie. And Jessie promptly rips off his sweater to reveal a t-shirt proclaiming Jessie as "The Man, The Myth, The Legend". What in gay HELL is wrong with this man? HOW does someone get that proud of themself?

Jeff explains to the two that so far "you have run the house" and "it's time for you to feel what it's like on the block". Bless him.

Natalie in her "Save Me" speech: "I have been loyal" in this house. WHAT? Since your suction-cup lips have never left Jessie's butt, I don't see how you've even had TIME to think about being loyal, never mind actually doing it.

Jessie in his "Save Me" speech: He falls apart. He takes a weak swipe at Jeff, but it's pretty pointless. It was thrilling to see that when push comes to shove, Jessie ain't all that.

So everybody heads to the Diary Room, and Jessie is voted out.

During the goodbyes, the arrogant baby won't even hug Kevin. That's nice, real sportsmanship. I just hope the BB producers are proud of themselves for bringing back someone that most people hated, giving him a second chance that he didn't deserve, and letting decent people go home because they just want to jack the ratings. How fair is that, CBS?

Anyway, it's time for the HOH competition. Chima gets to compete because Jeff used the Coup d'Etat and she was thrown out of office. I have a problem with that, because the producers didn't say squat concerning this angle until the last minute. Just more proof that that this show is rigged from Day One to the Final Vote. Not being bitter, just laying it out there.

So we have the competition, one of those things where two houseguests have to answer a question. If they get it wrong, they gone. If they get it right, they get to pick the next two to answer a question.

Kevin wins the first round (eliminating Lydia, imagine that). When he's trying to select the next two players, Chima snaps her fingers and points at Russell and Jeff. (Can this tramp be any more demanding and delusional about her importance on this planet?) Amazingly, Kevin picks those two suggestions. So my estimation of Keving just went down a notch. Is he now Chima's bitch?)

In the end, that bit of business doesn't really matter. Michelle wins HOH.

And this is actually really good, and really fair. (And I'm sure the BB producers were really ticked off about it, because it's not what they expected and they lost a little bit of control.) Michelle is really in the middle, and who knows where this is going to go.

Then we realize the BB producers are trying to take back the direction of the game, when the voice-over announcer at the end of the episode lets us know that next Thursday will be a double eviction.

Sigh. Anyway, thrilled that Chima didn't win HOH. I want her gone. Now.