#167 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 27

Editor’s Note: I missed the very beginning of this episode, since there were just a few tiny little things going on, like tornado sirens blaring and the pretty newscasters informing me that a tornado had just touched down just a few miles away and I better run like hell. But that all settled down, no personal damage other than frayed nerves, and the local station finally tuned us in to the Big Brother broadcast.

We’re dropped right into the action, with Hayden, Lane and Enzo sitting on the patio. Apparently there has been some type of heated discussion, because they’re all glaring at one another. (Hayden in the Diary Room: “I hope Lane stays loyal.” Enzo takes his hands out of his pants long enough to go to the Diary Room as well: “I’ve had my suspicions about Lane. I’m in the worst position.”) Who knows what happened. I would like to think Lane was trying to do the right thing by Britney, but I’m not sure he even knows what that is.

Britney and Hayden in the HOH Room, flopped on the bed because these people are apparently anemic and can’t be bothered with standing upright. Britney: “I’m nervous.” Hayden: “Nobody’s gonna take me to the Final Two.” Britney: You do realize that if Enzo goes to the end, he “will win unanimously.” (Britney in the Diary Room: Hey, I’m playing ALL the angles at this point.) Britney: “I have too many enemies in the Jury House. I’m not gonna win in the Final Two.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “She has some very good points.” Yes, she does. Are you listening?) Then some nurse comes in and gives them B12 shots in the butt in the hopes that they will finally get out of bed and change their underwear.

Back to Julie with that beyond-irritating live studio audience. She’s in one of her over-exuberant moods again. “This will be the most important Veto Competition of the summer! Who will have the sole power to evict?” Then about 14 people in the audience have simultaneous orgasms as they think about the options.

Commercials. Well, there should be commercials at this point. Because of the local weather conditions in Dallas caused by the dying but still kicking Tropical Depression Hermine, which has resulted in massive flooding and/or houses floating away down raging rivers that were just dried-up streams two days ago, we have blow-dried newscasters making us feel bad that we haven’t lost everything like the shell-shocked people on screen. Good times.

Time for the Veto Competition.

Each player has a station, with a giant wall, where there are 8 clues running along the top and 8 clues running along the bottom. They have to take these fake movie poster things, showing two evicted houseguests apiece, and match them up correctly. Trouble is, the posters are double-sided, so either view could actually be the right one. First to match all 8 correctly and hit the little bell thing wins POV.

We have Enzo in the Diary Room, saying something, but for the first time I actually pay attention to the subtitle blurb that mentions he’s an “insurance adjuster”. Really? In Jersey? With that attitude? Something tells me there’s a lot of angry claimants in that state who have unkind thoughts about Mr. Meow Meow.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Britney’s good at trivia.” Enzo and Lane, not so much. “So I’m gonna have to be the won who wins this.” Then he turns and waves to the crowd of paparazzi that isn’t really there.

Lane in the Diary Room: “I want Britney to win, so she can take herself off the block, Enzo goes up, and there’s no blood on my hands.” Then he turns and waves at the crowd of Longhorns that isn’t really there.

And the competition starts.

Lane in the Diary Room: Basically, “I’m really stupid.” Thanks for the insight, Lane. Figure that out all by yourself, did you?

Other people pile into the Diary Room, describing the strategy that they used during the running about. It’s not very interesting. You figure out the clues and you put the photos in the right order. Get it done.

Shots of everybody in the courtyard, sweating and thinking. (Every time we see Lane, they play corny hillbilly music.) Enzo is actually the first to hit his bell, but he’s got 5 incorrect out of 8. He grunts and gets back to work. Britney seems to be doing well, but she hasn’t hit her buzzer yet, so we don’t know how close she is. Lane? Well, he’s Lane.

All the sudden Hayden hits the bell and he has all 8 right. He wins POV, totally catching everyone off guard. Britney is especially stunned, gazing at him in amazement as she pulls her short-shorts out of her crack.

More scenes in the Diary Room.

Hayden: He’s celebrating his victory and kissing the POV medal, his biceps and his hair. He turns and waves to the crowd of horny supermodels that isn’t really there.

Britney: “I feel pretty good. Enzo could still go up.” She turns and waves to the crowd of Razorback fans that don’t actually have TV’s and therefore don’t know that she exists.

Lane, sighing: “Now I have to reverse back to The Brigade, and make them believe that I’ve always been on their side.” Then he pauses to wonder what “reverse back” really means.

Julie again: “Will The Brigade feel good enough to reveal one of the biggest secrets of the summer?” Then she turns and waves to the producers who cut her a check every week.

Commercials. Blech.

More Julie: “All secrets eventually come out!” We got it, Julie. Somebody in The Brigade is going to blab. Your hints have been so subtle, I never would have figured that out on my own.

Hayden, Lane and Enzo, sitting around. Hayden: “I was SO lucky”, winning that thing. Enzo: Are you kidding? You Da Bomb! (Yes, that sound you hear is full-strength ass-kissing.) Hayden: “When should we tell Britney about The Brigade?” (Oh?) Enzo: “Now.” Hayden: I want her to know that’s why I’m not going to use the Veto. (Lane in the Diary Room: Hoo boy. I’ve gotta be careful here.) Lane: “Tell her tonight if you want.” He gulps.

This should be fun.

Then we see Britney wandering up to the HOH Room, where Enzo and Lane are sitting about. Enzo to Lane: “What are you gonna do tonight?” Lane: “Drink beer.” Enzo tries again with another leading question, clearly trying to steer the conversation into a direction where they can tell Britney what’s up. But Lane is a few cow-pies short of a bushel, and doesn’t really get it. Or doesn’t want to get it.

Enzo gives up with the Lane angle, and turns to Britney: “You think there was an alliance in this house?” Britney: Sure. “Rachel and Brendon.” Then Enzo gets, to me anyway, rather cruel, having too much fun teasing Britney about not knowing about The Brigade. Really not caring for him right now. Not that I ever did, just sayin.

Then Enzo finally fully fesses up about The Brigade. Lane confirms: “From Day Two.” Enzo then gets very cocky, which is no surprise, but this is NOT the time to be that way. This is why Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Enzo is from some self-important galaxy that doesn’t even have a real name, just a number. Enzo on The Brigade: “I think it’s greatness.”

Britney lays on the HOH bed, absently picking at her fingernails as she tries to act nonchalant, but you know she’s devastated.

Hayden comes up to the room.

Enzo: “I told.”

Hayden: “Without me?” He turns to Britney: “I’m sorry, Britney. But I’m glad you won the 10 G’s.” Translation: You’re done.

Britney: “So I’m definitely going home?”

Hayden: “I’m not gonna use the Veto.”

Enzo: “That’s it. Know what I mean?” Classy guy, right?

Hayden: “The last thing I wanna do is make you cry.”

Britney jumps off the bed and starts to leave: “How do you think this feels, knowing you have no shot?” The others try to console her, but it’s too late. She storms out the door.

Britney in the Diary Room: “I’ve been completely played! Lane’s been lying to me! I don’t wanna talk to them. It makes me sick to think of voting for any of them.” Then she makes a hog-calling noise, and there’s the sound of cloven feet racing up to do her bidding in the middle of the night, seeking porcine retribution.

Lane starts to leave the HOH Room, to see how Britney’s doing, but Enzo tries to stop him: “Stay here. We need to talk.” (My fingers are crossed that this little snippet is shown to the jury members, so they can see what Enzo’s all about, but it probably won’t happen.) Lane leaves anyway.

Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s like one of my good dogs died.” Really, Lane? Britney is one of your good dogs? And Brendon was the Neander-tall?

Lane finds Britney in one of the bedrooms. “Want to talk?” Britney: “It’s not a good time. I’m going to bed.” Lane: “I wasn’t playing you. I never played you. I do have a lot of feelings for you.” Britney, sniffling and snuggling up to her pillow: Whatev. Good night.

Cut to Julie, acting all somber and dramatic after all that mess: “We’ll be back with the Veto Ceremony and the Eviction.” Then she turns and waves at her stylist.

Time for the Veto Meeting.

Hayden to the Nominees: “I hope to be friends with both of you. But I’m not using the Veto.”

Julie: Time for the Save Me speeches for the sole voter, Enzo.

Lane: He totally sucks up to Enzo. “Without you, this house would be dull and boring.” Which is a slam to everybody else, but I doubt that Lane thinks more than one sentence ahead in his life.

Britney: “I love you all. We’re friends forever.” She turns to Lane: “You’re my best friend! I’ll miss you forever!” Then she goes on with what turns out to be a very eloquent speech, no hard feelings, I hope the best for everybody. The only dent in this oratory is her bit about “It’s an honor to be kicked out by The Brigade.” No, it’s a symbol of you not paying attention, especially since other now-booted house guests tried to warn you. Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh.

Julie: Enzo, stand and evict somebody.

Enzo: “I’m going to make this short.” Then he proceeds to do the exact opposite, rambling for hours about meaningless crap. In the end, he fingers Britney. She graciously hugs everybody and departs, her designer heels clattering up the three short steps to freedom.

Exit Interview.

Jules: Lots of love and forgiveness at the end. What gives?

Brit: “I truly love them. They are my friends.”

Jules: Why didn’t you believe Ragan?

Brit: I thought I was working with The Brigade.

Jules: Forgive Lane?

Brit: “I really believe he wanted me in the Final Two.” But things happened.

Goodbye videos.

Hayden: “I feel like I betrayed you.” (You did.)

Enzo: “This was very hard.” (Didn’t seem like it.)

Lane: “I’m gonna miss everything about you. I wanted to take you to Final Two, but then Hayden won HOH.”

Britney cries throughout this bit, shedding enough tears to be realistic but not enough to cause mascara complications. Then Julie shoves her off the stage. “The final HOH Competition is coming up!”

Commercials. (Well, in our local weather case, more news reporters talking to rain-soaked citizens “See that there lake right there? That was just a puddle yesterday. Sure was.” Then a cow floats by. They turn and wave.)

Back to Jules, talking to the three remaining boys in the courtyard. As is usual, the final HOH Competition is a three-parter. The winners of the first two parts compete in the final round for HOH. This first part involves the boys riding on little swings that whip from side to side in the yard, slamming the riders into padded walls. Enzo is greatly impressed with this, screaming stupid Meow-Meow phrases of eventual triumph, so I’m guessing he knows all about S&M.

Julie, startled by Enzo’s apparent thrill at being hurled against a wall: “Oh my.”

Commercials again. Did you know that fake butter can change your life?

Jules again: Tomorrow is the conclusion of Part 1. We’ll also see Part 2, live. Then next Wednesday is the two-hour finale! She beams like this is a gift from Heaven.

What, no Sunday show? Then again, Julie’s only here for one hour a week, so she may not be totally clued in. We’ll see.

Back to the live competition. Jules: “Time for a grenade!” A waterfall starts pouring down in the middle of the yard, so the swinging boys have to splash through it as they swing from side to side.

And the three fool boys scream like it’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to them.

God.

Roll end credits.

#166 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 26

The Announcer Guy does his standard review of the last few episodes. More shots of Ragan running about the house, trying to save himself. Lane in the Diary Room, constantly repeating that he wants to take Britney to the end, but not actually doing anything to make that happen. Glimpses into lots of empty rooms to show that this place is basically a ghost town, with faded memories of hair extensions and mascara. Oh, and the HOH Competition is still going on.

Series of Diary Room confessions.

Hayden, about the HOH Comp: “A lot of glass is gonna break!” (Yep, especially with Britney apparently misunderstanding the directions, and hurling her ornaments across the lawn with wild abandon.)

Enzo: “This is the biggest HOH of the season!” (Perhaps. But you’re still not going to win, right? Because no one would know what to do with themselves if you did.)

Lane, about being unable to compete since he’s outgoing HOH: He’s very frustrated that the other three are so stupid at this game. (Kettle, black?)

Britney, whining: “I’m the outsider! It sucks!” (Uh huh. And where was your sympathy when all those before you fell under the crushing weight of being the outsider? It’s a whole different world when your ability to accessorize is no longer important.)

And we head back to the HOH Competition, where the BB producers have snuck in and built a barrier around Britney, because the flying glass shards from her four billion smashed ornaments could turn this into a “True Blood” episode at any second. After a bit, it gets boring watching fingers poke through chicken wire, so we head back to the Diary Room.

Enzo: I took my time because I wanted to be very accurate. (So that’s what you’re doing now? Reclassifying your suckiness as “accuracy” so that it sounds better?)

Hayden: “In baseball, they teach us about soft hands.” (What the HELL does that mean? That Ragan would be the best at this challenge? That there was hanky panky in the high school locker room disguised as athletic advice?)

Lane, about Britney: “I don’t know what happened in your childhood. Do you hate Christmas?”

Enzo, about the sounds coming from Britney’s booth: “I thought I was in Newark. Glass shattering everywhere.” (Then his eyes get a little misty, as he fondly remembers the good times on a Newark Saturday night.)

Suddenly, we see that Britney is starting to figure things out and catch up, passing Enzo. (Okay, passing Enzo is no big, but still.) There’s actually some excitement building, as Britney’s suddenly nimble fingers start zipping along, racing to catch Hayden. On the sidelines, Lane’s jaw drops open. (Of course, this happens with Lane over many things, like the wind blowing or indoor plumbing.)

But her last-minute efforts are not enough, and Hayden wins HOH.

Britney in the Diary Room: “It’s the first time I’ve felt like no one will help me!” Then her eyes well with glistening tears, but she refuses to allow them to fall, because a wet face in the fashion world is SO not cool.

Enzo, Hayden and Lane, sitting around. Enzo: “We’ve won four competitions in a row!” (No, Enzo, you only won one. Everybody else has won, like, 700 times. You, ONE.) Then Enzo is in the Diary Room, going off about The Brigade being the greatest alliance ever. (What did they feed him as a child? We need to find out, and make sure it doesn’t happen again.)

Shots of Britney in bed, flopping around and looking devastated. Then she’s back in the Diary Room, overwhelmed with her helplessness, and finally the tears start gushing, who cares if it makes rivulets in her multi-layered foundation.

Time to see Hayden’s HOH Room, but instead of the former thundering herd running up the spiral staircase, the tiny quartet is gingerly tiptoeing along, like they’re in a museum. Once in the room, we have the normal fake oohing and ahhing, except for Lane, who is greatly disturbed by something he spies among Hayden’s goodies. (In the Diary Room: “He had girly foo-foo shampoo in his basket!” That is WRONG!)

Scene with Lane jacking around with outdoor grill, trying to get it to start. Britney tries to tell him to quit banging on that igniter, because we could die. (Britney in the Diary Room: “All I want is a simple hot dog, not my flesh to melt.”) Hayden runs to join Lane while Britney quivers at the back door. Suddenly, the thing catches and there’s a small nuclear explosion, luckily contained within the closed lid of the grill. Lane: “That was awesome!”

And this boy child is allowed to drive on our nation’s highways. Feel safe?

After this near-death experience, they traipse back in the house and find that the kitchen table has been replaced with a dinky little thing that barely holds four. They marvel at this, and then, as apparently directed to do so because it seems so staged, they sit down and reflect back on their time in the house. We learn nothing of any interest. Next.

Hayden and Lane, somewhere, reflecting on the final strategies. Hayden: “Nobody’s gonna want me at the end.” Lane begs to differ, and they end up basically promising never-ending devotion no matter what, even though neither one of them really means it. (Lane in the Diary Room: “I’ll say whatever Hayden wants to hear.” Now, how do I get out of this room again?)

Enzo and Hayden, somewhere, discussing performance abilities. Enzo is whining that he never wins anything. Hayden begs to differ, saying “I’ll let you win if you take me to the Final Two.” (At Hayden’s words, the BB producers insert one of those dramatic noises on the soundtrack, so I don’t know if they know something we don’t, or if they’re just messing with us.)

Hayden, Lane and Britney are sitting at the kitchen table, bored. They suddenly spy a giant pig out in the courtyard, and race in that direction to see what’s up, because any activity is better than having to look at each other for one more second. It’s a piggy bank, and it’s time for a Luxury Competition. Each player gets a coin, they take turns hiding their coin in the house, and then everybody searches for the other coins. Your coin gets found, you’re out. Last coin standing wins $10K.

So then we watch the “hiding of the coins” ceremony. The locations of the coins are not important. What is much more interesting is when they all race back in the house to do the search and seizure. These people tear that place UP, knocking over and breaking things, shoes and bras flying through the air.

Enzo finds Hayden’s coin. (Hayden and his air go back outside to pout.)

Britney finds Enzo’s coin. (In the Diary Room, Enzo whines and then bites his knuckle. What was that maneuver? It didn’t look like something a straight guy would do, in case that’s what he’s thinking.)

Britney keeps fiddling with the recycling bin where Lane has stashed his coin. Seriously, she goes through that thing at least 46 times without success, while Lane stands nearby and keeps weakly saying “we’ve already checked that”. Suddenly, she hits pay dirt and celebrates just a little too much over winning the money. (Britney, say this word with me: “Target”. Quit bouncing and calmly go sit down somewhere.)

Now the producers show us some filler scenes, because there’s only so much strategy four people can talk about but they’ve got to round out the hour episode. First we have Britney in the Diary Room, still bored: “Everyone just sleeps all day.” To liven things up, she goes out to the courtyard and starts beating on Hayden with a pillow. (I fully understand the motivation. That hair must die!) This turns into an extended pillow fight, with Enzo getting sucked into the action, and people are running and screaming.

Then we have Britney and Lane in the HOH Room. She’s whining about her beau back home. “I don’t wanna be broken up with!” Lane, who lets us know in the Diary Room that he’s hated Spencer or whatever his name is since he first found out about this love obstruction, tries to trash her intended. “You like girly guys.”

Britney: “I want guys who praise me” and bring me flowers. Lane: “I’m not the mushy kind of guy.” (In the Diary Room, Lane fleshes this out: “Real men will give protection, not flowers.” A date means “going to the bar for a beer and a steak.”)

Nice catch, eh? Something tells me that Lane will unable to keep any woman in his cave for very long.

Hayden and Enzo in the HOH Room. Hayden: “We gotta get Britney out.” Enzo: What about Lane? He’s guaranteed at least the $50K.” Hayden: “Maybe we should get rid of Lane.” Then they run vague strategies, but it’s hard to pay attention because they keep shoving something chewy in their mouths the entire time.

Time for Hayden to make his “Duties as HOH” voiceover speech while he stares at the sparsely-populated House Guest Wall. We see Britney, Lane and Enzo in the Diary Room, but they don’t say anything interesting or new, so we go right to the Nomination Ceremony.

Hayden trots out with the key wheel, which is now bigger than the miniscule kitchen table. Of course, at this point, there’s only the single key, which Hayden promptly pulls out. It’s Enzo’s.

Britney and Lane are on the block. No real surprise.

Hayden’s explanation speech is very short: “Nothing against you. Strategy. Thanks for stopping by.”

Britney in the Diary Room: “I’m gonna win POV! (Do you think Spencer still loves me?)

Lane in the Diary Room: “My best shot is still Britney. I’ve got to win the Veto, save Britney, and send Enzo home.” (Do you think Britney still loves me?)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “If I don’t win Veto, I’m probably going home.” (I love myself, and that’s all that really matters.)

Roll end credits.

#165 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 25

Editor’s Note: As mentioned with the previous “Big Brother” post, there have been some DVR issues at the house. The following review is actually for last Thursday night’s episode, so there’s obviously been a delay. Luckily, the recording of tonight’s episode was successful, so I should be back on track by morning. Bear with me…

We start off with the standard review of the last few episodes. We have Hayden in the Diary Room babbling that “Public Enemy Number One is now Ragan!” (Seriously, public enemy? You need to branch out with your movie-watching, Hayden.) Another shot of Lane doing that weird thing with his tongue when he carried out the giant nomination wheel. (Who the hell was he looking at when he did it? THAT’S the burning question.) And yet another glimpse of Ragan throwing the CD that bounced off both the singing clam and Enzo’s head. (Still love that.)

The Announcer Guy has a teaser: “We finally get to see the jury house!” (About time.) “And the jury house explodes when Matt reveals his lie!” (Yay! Been waiting for that!)

Cut to Julie with the live studio audience. Shockingly, we see that someone has stolen parts of her dress, right at the shoulders. Poor thing. Anyway, she’s in one of her manic moods, frothing with delight at her revelations. “Will the Brigade lose their second member? Will the Brigade continue to fracture?”

Then we have another showing of Lane replacing Veto-winner Enzo with Hayden, which leads to Diary Room confessions.

Hayden: “That’s not cool, dude.” (Then a bald eagle flies out of his hair and three cameramen are killed.)

Britney: All my subtle breast-flopping with Lane paid off!

Lane: “I couldn’t risk sending Britney home. I want her in the Final Two.” (Then he hears Britney reaching for something on an upper shelf in the kitchen, and he races out of the Diary Room.)

Enzo: “The plan is for Ragan to go, so that’s who is going home.” (Then he does his weird trademark thing of look off to the left, even though we know nobody is standing there.)

Ragan: “I’m not gonna roll over and cry!” (Oh, I’m sorry, he said “die”, not cry. My bad.)

Hayden, Enzo and Lane sitting around. Hayden: “One of us is going to get the money!” Their eyes collectively sparkle with greed and subliminal all-male celebration. Lane in the Diary Room: I still want Britney beside me at the end. “Britney has more enemies in the Jury House than any Brigade member.” (Not really sure about that. Especially, since Matty is now over there, most likely spilling tea.)

Ragan goes to Britney. “Can we have a conversation?” (Ragan in the Diary Room: There are only two votes this time. I’m trying to get hers.) Ragan to Britney: How do you get to the end? What’s the best path. Then he spells it out, that Britney can’t win with the other guys beside her, she only has a chance if it’s Ragan. (Britney in the Diary Room: Ragan has some good points. Judging by what we’re seeing in Britney’s skimpy bathing suit top, so does she.) Britney to Ragan: I’d advise you to go talk to Lane. Now.

Ragan and Lane. Ragan: “Are you here to give away $500K? If you’re up against either of those boys, you lose. The jury always asks what your big move was. This is the week where you can answer that. It’s the move that nobody expects.”

Ragan is very persuasive, especially because he’s being completely honest. Trouble is, he’s talking to Lane, who was not blessed with the ability to think clearly or tie his own shoes. (Lane in the Diary Room: “It’s time for some tough decisions.” Translation: I have to think, and I didn’t go to that school.)

Back to Julie, with the caterwauling live studio audience. We’re about to get our first look at the Jury House! Matt reveals his lie! How will they react! (Um, I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count.)

Boring commercials.

Jules talks to the House Guests. How’d you like those three punishments? (Ragan thought they were pretty swell, especially the dancing, because he feels good when he dances. So he’s going to tap-dance his way out of the house?) Julie to Enzo: The penguin suit. Discuss. Enzo: “I did give the penguin some swagger.” (If, by that, you mean groping yourself at every opportunity, yes, you did.) Julie to Britney: Worst thing about living with just men? Britney: They dirty and nasty! (Brit, have you never met a straight man before? I mean, I know you’re engaged and everything, but you might want to check his references.)

Julie: It’s time to go to the Jury House!

So we first see shots of Rachel, relaxing and enjoying her quiet time, floating in the fancy pool without need of a raft, because she’s got Jupiter and Saturn keeping her afloat. Then Kathy shows up, and the two drag queens hug. (They show us shots of Rachel and Kathy bonding, which mainly consist of Kathy looking terrified that Rachel’s loud braying might kill her.)

Then Matt walks in, and everybody has to pretend that they are excited about this. They watch the DVD that Matt has brought, showing the latest exploits in the house. They continued to pretend that they are excited about this. Finally, Brendon walks in, and Rachel is clearly disappointed, instead of rushing into his loving arms. “I wanted you to win! You should still be there!” Rachel gets around to remembering that she’s supposed to support her partner, and allows Brendon to hug her. He does so with a beatific expression indicating that he has just wrapped his arms around the Madonna. Poor guy.

Cut to Julie in the studio. “Matt’s about to reveal his secret!” (Okay, shut up, girl. Just play the video.)

Back to the Jury House. Matt: “I have another surprise.” My sickly wife? She’s not really. Hee hee. Brendon: “You are going to hell.” Kathy, livid: “There ARE sick people out there. And I’m one of them.” (Which sounds a little odd, but remember, Kathy has been fighting cancer for years.) She stomps off. Rachel: “You are the most horrible person I’ve ever met.”

Didn’t go so well, did it, Matt?

Matt follows Kathy and tries to console her. She wants nothing to do with him. “Have you ever lost someone?” When Matt tries to save himself by saying that he was planning on donating some of his prize money to the disease (that basically doesn’t exist) Kathy, Rachel and Brendon lose it again. Me thinks that Matty is going to be spending a lot of time in his room.

Once again back to Julie in the studio, where she is talking to Lane in the HOH Room.

Julie: “Are you worried about fallout from The Brigade?” Lane: “I trust them 100%. But I couldn’t take the chance that they would send Britney home.” (Which means that you DON’T trust them, Lane. Do you have access to a dictionary?) Julie: “Are you trying to appear less smart than you really are?” Lane: His incoherent babbling thusly proves that, no, there’s no strategy with this. He’s just stupid.

Julie once more, trying to make herself heard over that one woman in the audience who always seems to be there, the one who wails like a fire engine over every single thing that happens. (WHY do they keep asking her back? Is she related to some big shot at CBS? Oh wait, that would be Julie.)

She goes back to the House Guests, huddled in the Couch Room. Time for the Save Me speeches. Ragan: He talks about his dad that passed away, and the importance of family. And that if he has to leave, he’s really excited about making cookies for everyone in the Jury House. Hmmm. First part good, second part, not so. Hayden: I’m just happy to be here. I’m not going to say anything bad about Ragan. But he has plenty of pointless things to say about everything else, rambling on for decades.

We finally get to The Vote.

Not surprisingly, but still a little disappointingly, Enzo and Britney vote for Ragan to leave. He’s going home.

Not that it appears to bother him too much. He seems very excited with what’s about to happen. “I get to meet Julie Chen!” Then he races out the door, pirouetting and such.

Exit interview.

Julie: “You made a compelling argument for keeping you in the last few days. What went wrong?” (Translation: Why are these people such idiots?) Ragan: “That group of four is closer knit. But it was a big mistake on their part.” Julie: “Why didn’t you act on your Brigade suspicions?” (Translation: Dumb-ass, you had your chance and you blew it.) Ragan: Matty wanted to keep them. And I think Matt is a wonderful, genuine, real person. (Translation: I wanted to have his baby, and I wasn’t paying attention.)

In the “goodbye” videos, Enzo actually has the nerve to ask Ragan to vote for him in the end. Figures. Jersey Boys, right? I shafted you but love me anyway.

Time for the HOH Competition.

It’s a Christmas theme. The players have to stand on one side of chicken wire, and then manipulate ornaments on the other side up the chicken wire and place them on a tree. First to fully decorate their tree wins. There are 18 ornaments and a star. We know right away that we are not going to see a winner during the course of this episode.

Britney manages to drop her first three ornaments right away, while quaint Christmas music plays in the background, so her suckage is immediately evident. The cameras do show Enzo and Hayden doing their thing, but there’s a constant distraction of shattered ornament glass from in front of Britney’s area.

We cut to commercial, because Britney’s performance is so sad.

We come back to Julie: “Next Wednesday is a special Eviction Episode!” Oh?

And we end with more shots of the Yuletide festivities in the courtyard. Britney is busting things left and right, Enzo is doing a little better, (I know, right?), and Hayden is in the lead…

Roll end credits.