#170 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 30

It’s a live show, so we start off with Julie, almost bursting with excitement because the series run is almost over and she can quit working nights. She’s babbling about how, for the first time ever, a secret alliance has made it all the way to the end. (Um, they really didn’t, because Matty got booted some time back. Part of the alliance made it all the way, yes. Jules, don’t think you can lie to me just because your earrings cost more money than I will ever make in my lifetime.)

Then, on cue, the crowd erupts into a frenzy of worship. Because it’s the finale, half of them are waving those suspicious “homemade” signs that look like the same person made them all. These people didn’t bring those things from home. They were handed to them in the line.

Anyway, cue the Announcer guy to do his thing. It takes him a while this time, because he’s reviewing the whole season, but we don’t really see anything new or different. Of course, the producers skew things a bit making it look like The Brigade was a well-oiled machine that rolled over the rest of the house, instead of four guys who bumbled along and managed to survive by luck and circumstance.

Back to Jules, explaining how the evening is going to go. Lane and Hayden are going to play round three of the final HOH. Whoever wins will choose which guy to keep and boot the other. The loser will then scamper out into the studio and join the rest of the jury. Then Julie bellows “But first!”, so you know some filler material is headed our way. Let’s review some recent clips to see how The Brigade is now turning on one of their own. (The live studio audience screams in glee and excitement.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “I win this final HOH, and I’m golden.” (But he’ll still have ugly hair where homeless people can live.)

Lane in the Diary Room: “I want the easiest person to beat sitting next to me in the Final Two.” (Think of that all on your own, did ya?) “Trouble is, I don’t know if that’s Hayden or Enzo.” (Then one of his biceps distracts him and he’s really not sure what he was talking about.)

Enzo in the Diary Room: “I’m screwed right now… I’m the mastermind, I’m the Godfather, and it looks like I made a hit on myself.” (Mastermind? Dude, you totally went to a different school than me.)

Scene with Lane and Hayden in the kitchen. They’re discussing how “huge” it is that they’ve gotten this far, but it’s hard for me to pay attention because they’re both wearing some t-shirts that they’ve finger-painted with Brigade slogans. It looks like some pre-schoolers broke into the art room when they were supposed to be napping.

Hayden and his hair in the Diary Room: He wants Lane to think that if Lane takes him to the Final Two, Lane will win. So he’s decided to downplay his accomplishments in the house so Lane will feel more confident than he should. This shouldn’t be too hard, since Lane will not be getting a Mensa invitation in the mail any time soon.

Shots of Enzo at night, by himself, still babbling about how unfair it would be for him to not win. In the Diary Room: “I made the Brigade. I put all the work into it. I’m not going to lay down and die.” (This guy seriously has an altered perception of reality. Must be nice to live there.)

Hayden and Enzo on the patio. Enzo is still whining about having no power, Hayden is trying to appear supportive. “You still have a chance. Best social game ever in the history of Big Brother.” (Um, no. Sorry.) Enzo whines some more. “I only won one POV. They’re gonna chew me up.” (Well, it’s a little late to be worrying about that now, Slacker Boy. Maybe if you had taken your hands out of your pants, you might have won a few more things.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Maybe I should take Enzo.” He didn’t do squat. (Hayden, neither did you, until it got down to the end, and there was nobody in the house. Of course you’re going to win some things at that point. Enzo was too lazy, Lane was too simple, and Britney was too busy ensuring her makeup looked good on TV.)

Lane and Enzo in the kitchen. Guess what? Enzo’s still whining. Lane doesn’t think he can beat either one of them. Enzo keeps telling Lane that he can’t win against Hayden. Interspersed with this, we keep getting shots of Hayden really enjoying washing himself in the shower. No explanation is given as to the need for this.

Jules again: Up next, Britney tells the rest of the jury about The Brigade. Yay!

Commercials. If your vehicle doesn’t have Bluetooth, your life sucks, got it?

Julie talks to the Final Three in the couch room. She asks all of them pretty boring questions, so I just sit there and wait for the mess to be over with.

Cut to Britney arriving at the Jury House. She waltzes in wearing an “Alternate Brigade” t-shirt, and immediately spills all. Of course, no one takes very kindly to this news, except for Matt. Then even he blows a gasket when Britney reveals that Enzo is taking credit as the mastermind. (For the record, Ragan doesn’t cry, but he gets close.)

A bit later, the jury members all doll up and head out onto a patio to discuss the Final Three. It starts out with Rachel and Brendon thinking the Brigade got by on luck, since the rest of the house was busy fighting each other and not paying attention. (Completely on board with that.) But the others disagree. Then they start analyzing the individual three, and it’s clear that both Hayden and Enzo have some admirers.

Rachel: “I think strategically Lane played the best game.” And off we go, some people agreeing and some people completely disagreeing. Bottom line, by the end of the semi-staged discussion, it’s not clear if there’s a real favorite. Which is exactly how the BB producers want it, natch.

Time for the final round of the HOH with Hayden and Lane.

As is tradition, this round is a series of statements made by jury members, with Julie giving two possible endings to the statement. You get a point if you get it right, and the most points wins.

They both answer the first question correctly. Same with the second. And the third. And fourth. They both miss the fifth. And they miss the sixth. Tie breaker question, answer will be a number. Closest without going over wins. And Hayden gets it.

Julie: “Hayden, we’ll be back for your decision in a few minutes.”

Commercials. One of them is the E-Trade talking babies. There’s just something not right about that mess. Creepy.

Time for Hayden’s answer and the save-me speeches.

Enzo: Whatever you gotta do.

Lane: No hard feelings.

Julie: Hayden?

Hayden: Votes to evict Enzo.

Exit interview.

Julie tries to ask questions, but Enzo cannot stop talking about how great he is. Apparently life on this planet was not important or meaningful until he was born.

Julie brings out the first six members of the jury. They still don’t know about Enzo, so Julie quizzes them to build the suspense, then they finally drag Enzo out to complete the jury. They will now ask their prepared questions.

And none of the questions really change anything. Generic questions, generic answers. If there’s any distinction made, it’s that Lane is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but we, and he, already knew that.

Time to vote.

Final “save-me” speeches of the summer.

Hayden: The bottom line is when it comes down to competitions, I won more. (He pushes it a little too far, and might possibly be alienating a few people.)

Lane: He stays more with the social aspect of the game and how he played that. Winning shouldn’t be all about just the competitions. (A bit of advice, Lane: When you run out of things to say, don’t just make stuff up. Smile and sit down.)

Each member of the jury gets to vote and say some final words. Then the votes are locked in.

Jules: Up next! Annie, Monet, Andrew and Kristen are the only ones who have watched everything up to this point. We’ll bring them back and let them spill! Hurray!

Let me sum it up for you: Monet doesn’t regret calling Rachel a skanky Ho, Kristen is perfectly willing to have Hayden’s baby, Andrew is still a total geek, and we didn’t get to know Annie enough to really care. All caught up? Great.

We still have plenty of time left, so Julie kills some minutes by showing funny scenes and discussing sho-mances. It’s fine and all, but come on, folks, let’s crown the winner, okay?

Ragan is revealed as the second Saboteur, much to everyone’s surprise.

Finally, the Results:

Rachel, Brendon and Britney vote for Lane.

Kathy, Matt and Ragan vote for Hayden.

Which means Enzo casts the deciding vote, and he goes with Hayden.

Celebration ensues.

We close the show with Julie revealing America’s player:

Britney gets the $25K.

And we’re done. 30 Reviews in 10 weeks. I need a nap.

Hope you enjoyed it…

#169 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 1

We start off, of course, watching pretty location shots while Jeff Probst babbles about how everything is really remote and dangerous. (But not remote enough, apparently, that the producers can’t get a full-blown camera crew in there.) Jeff gives us some history of Nicaragua, details which are immediately forgotten because everybody is still getting settled in front of the TV and checking the beer supply. Some mess about active volcanoes, that’s all that really stuck.

Finally, we start getting glimpses of the 20 Survivors as they march along in a jungle. Some blonde guy starts talking (I guess we’re not supposed to know names yet, because they don’t flash his name on the screen.) “There’s monkeys hanging from everything!” Of course, I get a flashback to my last staff meeting at work.

Then Jimmy Johnson appears, and he instantly talks about winning Superbowls and how great he is, so I’m already not sure that we’re going to get along. This is followed by Jeff explaining that the Survivors think they’ve already been divided into teams, but they haven’t really. For now, they’re just marching along, and supposedly not talking. But they are talking in sidebars, with several people pointing out that they already hate other people just from looking at them. It’s nice to see people being so warm and accepting.

Oh, and we have the requisite skinny girl claiming that she’s going to flirt her way to the money. I instantly want her to go, and I don’t even know her name yet.

The opening credits finally roll, and now we have names for the people, but since we haven’t seen most of them, it’s pointless to do into any detail. Besides, half these people will be gone before we figure out who they are anyway.

Cut to a beach, where Jeff is bellowing “come on in, guys!”. Folks come traipsing in, and once again, some of the people are dressed completely inappropriately. Two of the girls think it’s just fine to be wearing cowboy boots. Uh huh. Try running your ass off down the sand in those. Two of the other girls are wearing what looks like a modified washcloth. I guarantee you they will be the first to complain about being cold when it rains. And there’s a guy with a tie. These people know there‘s not a mall around the corner, right?

In a sidebar, we meet Kelly B, who had one of her legs amputated at an early age. Wow. As long as she’s nice, I’m already rooting for her.

In another sidebar, a guy named Marty is already going off on Jimmy Johnson being out here. And really, why did the producers even let Jimmy on the show? People know him. And people are going to want him out. Oh wait, I keep forgetting that these shows are supposed to make money, not sense. My bad.

Jeff chats with the folks for a while, focusing on the “first appearances” thing. People respond with how they are already feeling each other out and learning to bond with their team. It’s pretty boring, so Jeff gets to the first challenge. He points at a nearby lagoon. Somewhere in there is the “medallion of power”, and if you find it, your whole tribe will benefit. “You can start now.”

The thundering herd races toward the water. Well, sort of. A few of them are strolling along like they’ve just had brunch and they’re a little gassy. We have shots of people running about all wild-eyed. Suddenly, the self-proclaimed slut (Brenda) spies something in a tree, and scampers up to retrieve it. Bingo. Jeff calls everybody back to the beach.

Jeff then breaks the news. New tribes. 40 and older over there, 30 and younger over here. Of course, the youngsters are high-fiving each other in delight, because they still belief that youth is everything. The oldsters sedately join each other, because they have to save their strength. Buffs are handed out.

Jeff then has a proposal for Brenda and her medallion. She can keep the medal and its mysterious, not-yet-named power. Or she can trade it for fire and fishing gear. Whatever she gives up goes to the other tribe. Quick shots of the youngsters biting their lips and trying to decide what to do.

Cut to commercials, so that we will be insane with anticipation by the time we get back. Or not.

The kids take the fishing gear. The medallion goes to the other tribe.

Cut to the Espada camp, where the older folks are getting to know one another. Jimmy has a side bar where he whines about not being in control like he normally is. (Poor thing. Must be rough, not being able to fire people.) But Jimmy decides that he’s going to play up his “superstar status”. Meanwhile, Holly, a swim coach, is already strategizing. She apparently gets in an alliance with the older cowgirl (Yve?) and also offers an alliance to Wendy, a goat rancher with a really weird accent.

We meet Jane, who tells us in a sidebar that she’s no prim housewife. From the look of her hair, she ain’t lyin. (On a heavier note, she just lost her husband last year.) Then she marches out on the beach and quickly starts a fire using a pair of glasses, so she immediately has a leg up on everybody. She then does a victory dance which is very startling in nature. Perhaps she should have refrained from that last bit.

Cut to the La Flor camp with the kiddies, where everyone is really loud and really tan. We meet Sash in a sidebar, where he’s psyched because “we know we’re going to dominate”. Then he talks about all the beautiful girls, so you know he’s really focused on what’s important. Next up in a sidebar is Jud, also happy about the youth of their tribe. “These are my people!” Really? Based on what, Jud? The fact that none of you can remember a President before George Shrub? You’re already missing a “D” in your name, what else is AWOL with you? Then he manages to stomp on something that cuts his foot, justifying my early judging of his book cover.

Shannon (a guy) in a sidebar, calling Jud a “dumb blond”. And he thinks one of the other guys is “retarded”. Nice. Then Shannon hooks up with one of the guys that they don’t identify. (I think it’s Chase.) They both feel they are the strongest and best players and need to stay tight. And they don’t want another girl to win. Shannon in a sidebar again: “We gotta control these girls. I mean, we already get owned in marriage.”

Shannon can go home at any time. Just sayin.

Then Kelly B decides to reveal the situation with her leg, just so she‘s not hiding anything. Everyone seems to be supportive, but then we have Shannon in a sidebar again. He wants her to get booted out so she won’t get the sympathy vote in the end. This guy just shoots decency out his ass, right? Then Naonka, in her sidebar, says “I don’t want to talk bad about Kelly,” and then proceeds to do just that, wanting her to go home as well. What is wrong with these people?

Back to the Espada tribe, at night. We see Jimmy Johnson throwing up, and claiming that he overworked himself. (Isn’t it intriguing that the Survivor producers will blur out any hint of man bits jiggling in underwear, but if someone’s blowing chow, we get it in 3-D.) Next morning, he’s whining about “zero sleep” and how miserable he is. To everybody. This is not a good idea.

Back to La Flor. Brenda and Chase seem to be getting close, flirting a wee bit as they strategize. He admits to his alliance with Shannon. (Brenda in a sidebar: “He’s a really nice guy, but he’s clueless. Of course I’m going to use that information to get me to the end.” Then she runs off to straddle a fallen log seductively.)

Alina and Kelly B check treemail and find a clue to a Hidden Immunity Idol. It’s up to them whether they share the clue with the others or not. Of course they aren’t going to say a word, but they can’t seem to figure out the clue, pointing at some cryptic symbols and giggling because they’re on TV. (Alina complains in a sidebar that she wishes they hadn’t found it together, because now she’s in a pseudo alliance with Kelly B, and she really wants Kelly to go home because of the sympathy vote thing.)

Is there anybody on this tribe that has a shred of humanity? Should we take Kelly B out in the woods and just shoot her? God.

Espada tribe again, with treemail. It appears to be a clue about the first challenge. So of course Jimmy J decides to play coach and get people motivated. Then he surprises me by telling everyone that he knows he’s not going to win, no jury would give him a million dollars. But he’s here for the adventure, and he wants to help one of them win. Well, then. I might have to like Jimmy even though he’s already on my nerves. The rest of the tribe nods their heads and seems psyched. Except for Jimmy T, who seems to be having a conversation with someone that doesn’t exist.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

The older team comes in and stately takes their place on the mat. The younger tribe comes in doing a stupid dance with a little flourish from the girls at the end. They are clearly not taking this seriously, convinced that they’ve already won, and Jeff is none too impressed. He tries to make fun of their dumb-ass antics, but the pre-schoolers don’t get it because Jeff is not an MTV video. Jeff sighs. Let’s get to it.

Basically, they have to fill troughs with water, so that it will flow into a tub thing and cause a bag of puzzle pieces to fall, then figure out the puzzle. Loser goes to Tribal. Oh, but wait. That Medallion of Power thing? It’s a huge advantage at challenges. If the older tribe chooses to use it, they get help with the challenge now, but then the Medallion will flip over to the other tribe for the next challenge.

The older tribe opts to keep the Medallion for now and not use it. Interesting.

And off we go. It’s actually a very tight race for a while, despite the fact that the person pouring the water for the older tribe seems confused about the laws of gravity. The younger tribe gets their puzzle pieces first, but only by a bit. Then it falls apart, with the older tribe lethargically diddling with the puzzle pieces while the younger tribe is bouncing and screaming and shoving pieces into place. Younger tribe wins.

Espada camp. Jimmy T in a sidebar: “This place has already knocked me down, and it’s only day three.” Then he marches over to a few of the other tribe members and tells them he’s voting for Jimmy J to go home. (“Stars blind people.”) But he’s really agitated about it, and comes off a tad unbalanced. Methinks he should have just kept his mouth shut.

Jimmy J and Holly go for a walk, strategizing. He says they should vote out the weakest player, which is either him or Wendy. Really? Just what the hell kind of game is Jimmy playing here? In a sidebar, Holly agrees with him, and is regretting her rushed alliance with Wendy.

Holly runs up to Jill, Yve, and Marty, and tells them what Jimmy said, that it should be him or Wendy, and now she doesn’t know what to think. (I’m thinking she needs to pull her bathing suit out of her crevices, because that really looks painful and I can’t concentrate on what she’s saying.) Jill suggests that the four of them do a round table and just say who they think should go. Yet they can’t do it. No one wants to make a decision, so they just stare at each other while crickets chirp.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff: “Let’s talk about first impressions.” And so they do. Jane calls herself a “southern hillbilly” but she actually comes across as kind of fun. Jimmy T lets it be known that he’s a little peeved that he’s not being perceived as a leader. Jimmy J does his “no jury’s gonna give me” thing again. Jimmy T begs to differ. Wendy proves that she might indeed by psychotic, upset that no one even asked her how old she was.

Jeff: Time to vote.

Wendy: Can I say something? And then the “might be crazy” changes to concrete fact. She babbles on forever about what she perceives as her strengths, and makes no sense. (“I have no calluses on my feet!” What the hell?) The rest of the tribe squirms in discomfort.

Jeff: Time to vote. (Is that okay, Wendy?)

The Results:

Wendy votes for Yve. Everybody else votes for Wendy.

And thus continues the Survivor tradition of the first person to leave getting sent home because nobody knows enough about anybody to really make it a fair vote. In the first few days, the mere fact that you are a goat rancher with no calluses is enough to get the boot. Wendy wanders away from Tribal, down a path that apparently leads through a graveyard. That’s nice. Nothing confirms defeat like a stroll through a field of dead people…

#168 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 28

We’re live, with Julie and the caterwauling audience. While they destroy the soundstage with the sheer vibration of their over-caffeinated yodeling, Julie babbles: “Enzo! Hayden! Lane! They have orchestrated every eviction this summer!” (Um, no they didn’t. But yelling at the TV screen apparently does not make Julie retract her statement.)

Then it’s the Announcer Guy, reviewing the last few episodes, and the way they frame it you would think Hayden is single-handedly saving the planet. Oh, and “The Beast, The Animal and Meow-Meow are battling it out in the jungle right now.” (Um, no, they’re sitting on swings in the relatively tame courtyard. This is not a battle in the jungle. This is a crappy ride at a sucky amusement park.) “And emotions explode in the Jury House!”

Julie: Let’s go back to the Big Brother Rainforest for the exciting conclusion of Part One in the HOH Competition! The audience screams themselves into a frenzy at this apparently life-changing opportunity.

The camera cuts to the courtyard. Enzo, Hayden and Lane. Sitting on swings and slamming into a padded wall. Over and over. Totally boring.

So we go to the Diary Room for some confessions.

Hayden: “The Brigade is dead! It’s every man for himself.” (Then he just kind of sits there, waiting for an actual man to show up, because we haven’t seen a lot of them this season.)

Enzo: “I gotta win. They aren’t gonna take me to the Final Two. I’m popular in the Jury House.” (Maybe for now. Wait until Britney shows up over there with a mouthful of choice words.)

Lane: “It shoulda been me and Britney in the Final Two.” (Well, Lane, you only have yourself to blame for that. If you’d acted sooner, Enzo and/or Hayden would be sitting in the Jury House right now, trying to avoid lacerations from Rachel’s hair extensions or Kathy’s eyelashes when she blinks.)

The we have more shots of the swings and the wall-banging in the “rainforest”. Enzo is hollering the whole time like an idiot.

Lane in the Diary Room, discussing what it feels like hitting the padded wall: “It’s like being in a Texas bar fight, when you wake up the next morning and your testicles hurt.” (One, I clearly don’t understand what happens in Texas bar fights, and two, does Lane even understand what a testicle is?)

Then Enzo falls off his little swing. A mere 19 minutes into the competition. Puh-leeze.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “Enzo has zero intestinal fortitude.” (Again with people using phrases that I don’t think they actually comprehend.)

More shots of the remaining two swinging and banging.

Lane: “Where’s Enzo?”

The camera shows him inside the house, making soup and pizza. Really? This is a clear violation of Big Brother tradition, where even though you may get eliminated in a competition, you remain in the courtyard and pretend to cheer the other players on, even if you are bored out of your skull and/or hate the people still playing.

Then Enzo actually brings his piping-hot pizza out to the patio, and noshes away in full view of the starving and cold guys on the swings, another violation. He truly just doesn’t get it. (Lane is furious in the Diary Room.) To top it off, Enzo is still obnoxiously whooping and hollering, in between rounds of wiping grease off his chin.

Lane falls at 2 hours and 35 minutes. Hayden wins the first round.

Back to Jules. “Lane and Enzo will face off in round two a little later. But coming up, the Jury House explodes!”

Okay, with all this promo, there better be something damn good happening in that Jury House, or I’m going to cut somebody.

Commercials. Did you know that you can get meat wrapped in meat, with a meat sauce, on a meat-flavored bun, at your nearest fast-food restaurant? Hurry! Your arteries aren’t going to clog themselves!

Julie: “Let’s go talk to the Final Three in the Couch Room!” Julie: “Enzo, how’d you make it this far in the game?” Enzo: “No idea.” Julie: “Lane, how hard was it to keep your alliance secret?” Lane: “Very.” Julie: “Hayden, now that Britney’s on the jury, are you concerned about the reaction?” Hayden: “They’re gonna hate us!” Then all three of them laugh.

Thanks, Julie. Very insightful. Learned a lot.

Julie explains some protocol for the rest of the season: The winners of Round 1 and Round 2 in the HOH Competition will compete in Round 3 LIVE on Finale Night. The winner will then pick his Final Two buddy, and they will go face the jury, who will question them and then vote. Got it?

Time for some filler material, since there are only three people left and none of them are all that interesting. Julie: “Enzo never won HOH, but back home he rules the house.” Cut to Bayonne, New Jersey, where we meet Enzo’s family. Surprise! They’re Italian! His wife obviously loves him, so that’s good. His entire family, watching on TV when Enzo slams into Ragan and sends him flying through the air, cheers like the Red Sea just parted, so that’s not so good. In the end, it’s very clear that his family was watching a different series than we were, overly praising Enzo for things he didn’t do.

Cut to the Jury House.

Kathy lets us know that she still hasn’t forgiven Matt for the lies about his wife, and is, in fact, even more upset with him. More than fair.

Ragan saunters in. Fake hugs abound, especially the one between Ragan and Rachel. (And what the hell is Matt wearing? Is he twelve?) Sidebar with Rachel: She’s all aglow with the possibility that Ragan will push her buttons and there will be a fight. She’s such a nice person, that Rachel girl.

Matt to Ragan: “Let’s step outside and talk.” (Kathy to Ragan: “Take a drink, you’ll need it.”) Once on the patio, Matt fesses about his wife. Ragan does not take it well. (In his own sidebar: “I feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy pulls the football out.”)

The rest of the jury house joins them on the patio. Brendon and Kathy are supportive of Ragan, making it clear that they are not impressed with Matt. But Rachel doesn’t care because, well, let’s face it, she’s a bitch. So when Ragan does his own confession, admitting to having a PHD in Communications, Rachel jumps. “Do I have a bad social game?”

Ragan: “Yes, you wear your heart on your sleeve.”

And immediately the fur flies. As we’ve seen before, Ragan is very calm but very straightforward, telling it exactly like it is. While Rachel screams and flips her hair as her inability to remain civil rears its ugly head. (And it’s the same thing they fought about in the house. Rachel causes a LOT of problems because there’s something off kilter with her and human relations. He’s right, she won’t listen.) Ragan: “We don’t share a common reality.”

Rachel finally bellows “Grab your tiara and be a [dramatic expletive] queen!” Then she and her hair turn and stomp into the house.

Okay, from a confrontation aspect, I’ll give it a 3, maybe 4. But we’ve seen much more exciting things. Once again, the BB producers have oversold not much about nothing.

Time for Part 2 of the HOH Competition.

This one’s called “It’s Alive!”, and we’ve seen this before. Behind five curtains are five photos of two house guests morphed into one. Playing separately, Lane and Enzo will have two minutes to figure out the combinations. Whoever makes the most matches wins. If they get the same number of matches, then whoever buzzed in with the shortest playing time will win. And off we go.

Lane is first. He gets all five matches in 1 minute, 13 seconds.

Enzo is next. He gets all five matches in 1 minute, 43 seconds.

Lane is clearly the winner, but Julie throws a curve into things, because the BB producers apparently think we are just as stupid as the house guests that they intentionally pick for their stupidity.

Jules: “We have a tie! We will determine the winner when we return!”

Uh, I can tell time. Lane won. What’s the deal?

Commercials. Need a quick “payday” loan? Head on over to Tully’s House of Fast Money and we’ll fix you up. Tully is missing most of his teeth. Don’t worry about that.

And we’re back. Julie takes us to the Couch Room, where Enzo and Lane are sweating in the nomination chairs. (Why? They aren’t nominated for anything.) Hayden is off to the side, totally chilled, because he thinks he’s got this thing wrapped up.

Julie: It was a tie! (Enzo perks up. Lane is wondering if this is a formal occasion.) So we have to go to the clock. Who finished up more quickly? (We KNOW, Julie. God.) Enzo, you finished in blah blah time. Lane, it only took you blah time. Congrats!

Julie to Lane: How are you feeling right now? Lane: “I feel sweaty and numb and I can’t walk.”

Julie to Enzo: “How does it feel” to have sucked once again? Enzo: Well, I was born a poor black child on the outskirts of-

Julie: Whatev. See you guys next Wednesday!

Roll end credits.

P.S. Apparently Sunday’s show is just going to be a recap of the finer moments in the show thus far. The fact that they have managed to cobble together a full hour of things that might be considered “finer” makes a compelling statement that I should actually tune in, but we’ll see. I usually skip this one. We might not chat again until next Wednesday…