#120 - “Nurse Jackie” - Season 2, Episode 4

So we start out with Jackie marching down the sidewalk on a busy street. She looks none too happy. (To be fair, she never really looks happy, but she’s sporting a Defcon-4 sour expression at the moment, so somebody’s going to get hurt.) I’m assuming that she’s still steaming from encountering former-lover, now-psycho Eddie in her own home and apparently best friends with her hubby Kevin.

Sure enough, she stomps into the pharmacy where Eddie works, hijacks his conversation with a elderly woman who just wants her government pills, and then sends the addled woman on her confused way. Then she focuses on Whack Job. “You cannot come into my house, Eddie!”

Eddie, because he’s not exactly firmly grasping the concepts of reality and a woman with a mission, professes his love for her and really doesn’t want to hear anything else. When Jackie reiterates that “do not come into my house” really means “do not come into my house”, Eddie gets a wee bit bitter, even though he manages to hit the nail on the head with his retort. “You’re just greedy.” You want everything. Your way.

Jackie, who obviously has some anger management issues and a considerable inability to properly handle the truth, does not care for this remark. She yells some more threats (even though we know instantly that Eddie is not listening), and then she destroys a very nice display of vitamins that somebody spent a lot of time constructing. Like that’s going to help in any way.

Once she’s back outside, Jackie calls Kevin. Hey, why don’t you send our unbalanced children to your sisters for the evening so we can have a date night? Translation, I’m going to keep you busy so that you won’t have an opportunity to pal around with your new bestie that is really my old bestie that I slept with until that damn automatic pill-dispenser came onto the scene.

Cut to Zoey and Sam at the hospital. Sam is babbling away, possibly trying to be philosophical, but it’s so boring that it comes across as white noise. Zoey puts a stop to this. “I don’t do chatty.” Interesting expression, Zoey. Isn’t that the same phrase Jackie threw your direction when you burst through the doors last season, with your Hello Kitty accessories and your inability to shut up?

Suddenly none of this matters, as right then a woman races into the Emergency Room. Her young child has stopped breathing. Not good. Zoey races over, grabs the child, and starts screaming for a doctor as she hustles to an examining room.

There’s not a doctor immediately available, so it’s up to Zoey and Thor to do what they can. Then we have an amazingly-directed scene where Zoey just takes charge. All background noise drops, and we only hear the conversation between the two. Zoey gets the child breathing again with intubation (Thor: “You’re not legally allowed to…”), and then calmly stays in control when the child’s heartbeat flatlines. In the end, she saves the day. A few minutes later, Dr. O’Hara arrives and Zoey quietly slips away.

Thor to O’Hara: “She saved his life. Twice. But she might have done something that she…”

O’Hara: “Then why are we still talking about it?”

Now we’re at the Nurses’ station, where some nasty EMT guy (Lenny) is irritating everyone as he slurps Mountain Dew, crunches on chips, and is generally a pig. Zoey and Thor make disparaging remarks about his unwanted presence, but he doesn’t get it. Pigs usually don’t. That’s why they’re pigs.

Jackie wanders up, pulls Zoey to the side, and actually reprimands her for what she just did while saving the child. Zoey is stunned. “You are the last person I expected that from. I was only doing what needed to be done.” (Seriously, Jacks, what’s up with you?)

Then Mrs. Akalitus strolls up, spies the piggy EMT, and barks out an amazing line of dialogue: “Don’t eat by the urine!” (Must have been a fun meeting when the script-writers came up with THAT mess.)

Cut to Jackie and Dr. Cooper attending to a chemo patient who is really having a hard time with the side-effects. Can’t keep anything down, nothing is helping his pain, and he’s just not doing well. Jackie: “Have you tried smoking pot?” Coop nearly implodes.

A few minutes later, he corners her outside the examining room. He’s livid that she would dare to suggest an illegal activity to a patient. (Go look in the mirror, Coop. There are so many kinds of wrong going on with you right now. You have a PUBLICIST, for cryin out loud.) Jackie: “I’m gonna make a suggestion if it helps a patient.”

In another examining room, we have Dr. O’Hara and Sam reviewing a patient. Initially, there’s lots of boring medical talk, then we realize that the banter has turned to actual flirting. Next thing you know, both of them are racing off to the hospital chapel (the CHAPEL!) where they go at it like rabbits. In the midst of the lusty frenzy, Sam fesses up that he has a girlfriend. O’Hara: “So do I.”

What?

Scene with Jackie in Mrs. Akalitus’ office. Aka first asks about how things are going with Jackie’s creepy little child that worships death. It’s going okay, hard to get an appointment with the fancy psychiatrist that Aka recommended, but anyway. Then Akalitus gets to the real point. Seems Dr. Cooper has already complained about Jackie and her Janis Joplin world-view concerning illicit drugs. Jackie is not impressed. Akalitus: “I’m not a prude, Jackie. I was at Woodstock.” Jackie: “No you weren’t.”

Back at the Nurses’ station, Jackie and sleazy Lenny are engaged in some mindless chatter about a caricature. O’Hara waltzes into the scene, and Jackie’s radar starts beeping. She marches up to O’Hara: “Lunch. Now.”

Cut to a nearby restaurant, where Jackie digs for gold. O’Hara: “I shagged a nurse.” When Jackie appears to be appalled at the sordid details, O’Hara changes the subject. (Always a good move when people are not impressed with your lust for life.) “Tell me about Eddie. Do you think he’ll go to Kevin and spill the beans?” Jackie: Nope. (Said with hesitation, make a note.) O’Hara: “Do you love him?” Jackie takes the Fifth.

Now we’re at Kevin’s bar, where psycho Eddie wanders in, waving some primo tickets to the Mets game that night. Wanna go? Kevin sadly admits that it’s date night with the Missus. Eddie: Well then, don’t wanna upset Jackie. Then his eyes sparkle with madness as he accepts a proffered beer from Kevin.

Quick scene with O’Hara buying a bouquet of flowers. Who knows.

Next up is Sam and Thor at an elevator or some such, not sure where they are. Sam’s all twitchy, clearly unnerved about something. (Perhaps the carnal activities in the House of God?) Thor tries to be supportive, remembering that Sam is struggling to stay on the wagon with his drug issues. Thor: “Consider me your work-place sponsor. You can tell me anything.” Sam: “I slept with a doctor.” Thor, immediately changing his tune: “I’m not talking to you.” Then he races away.

Jackie stops by to visit the cancer patient, who has been checked out and is ready to leave. Jackie offers to push him to the exit in a wheelchair (protocol, natch). As they roll through the ward, they pass Coop explaining to Zoey that he now has over 1,000 followers on Twitter. Zoey doesn’t care. We don’t care. Nobody cares except for Coop. He pauses to tweet about the situation.

Just before Jackie wheels the cancer patient out the doors, she grabs an apple off a passing meal cart, meaning that somebody is going to be really disappointed in a few minutes. Once outside, Jackie rolls her patient up to nasty Lenny’s ambulance. They clamor inside, wherein Jackie proceeds to make a bong out of the apple and then crams it full of some Lenny weed. She then instructs the patient on the art of apple-bonging. He instantly feels better than he has in months.

Nasty Lenny: Dude, how did you know I had weed?

Jackie: Mountain Dew and Doritos? Done.

Nasty Lenny: But the apple thing?

Jackie: Jones Beach. Toto concert. Back in the day.

Me: I really led a sheltered life.

Patient, feeling the effects of the special apple juice: “I’m actually hungry. Can we turn on the siren?”

Back in the hospital, Zoey is fiddling with something, when Dr. O’Hara slinks in the door. O’Hara places the mysterious bouquet of flowers on the counter, then pretends to study some charts. As Zoey looks at her questioningly, O’Hara explains: “They’re for you. Good work.”

LUV me some Dr. O’Hara. Despite the questionable dalliance among the pews.

Zoey doesn’t even know how to respond, so she acts instead, wandering off to call an elevator. The doors are just about to close when Jackie races up and jumps on the elevator with her. But they don’t say anything to each other. Gee, Jackie, feeling a little guilty about being a black kettle?

They exit the elevator on the pediatric floor, where Zoey gazes at the sleeping child she rescued. They stand there for a bit, then Zoey surprises us. “I think I’m pregnant.” Another pause. Then Jackie reaches out and briefly smoothes Zoey’s hair before pulling her hand back. Nice moment.

Later, as Jackie is preparing to leave the hospital for the night, she gets a call from Kevin. Can we push Date Night back a few hours? Tickets to the Mets game and all. Then Jackie hears Eddie in the background. “Put him on!” Eddie takes the phone from Kevin. Jackie: “Do NOT do this!” Eddie ignores her, because he’s in full-tilt psycho mode. Great. The fun never ends.

Cut to Jackie in her empty house, making cookies, with one of the ingredients being wacky weed. She then traipses off to the cancer guy’s apartment and hands him the goodies. Just “one of these a day” should do it. Here’s a half-cookie to get you through the evening. Then Jackie proceeds to clean out the guy’s refrigerator while he relaxes and watches the Mets game….

#119 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 8

We start out with the Villains arriving back at camp after the ouster of Rob. As expected, Russell is being his usual blowhard self, while Parvati is throwing out lines like “I just love blindsiding people” and Danielle is doing a shimmy dance of celebration and backstabbing. Nothing new, really.

Cut to Coach in a sidebar: “Russell is a bully.” He’s playing to prove his power and not playing to win the game. Normally don’t care for Coach, but that was a pretty on-target. I’m sure I sound like a broken record, but Russell’s ego is his own worst enemy.

Then we have Coach and Jerri standing on a beach, with everything looking all stark and dreary like we’re trapped in an Ingmar Bergman film where everybody is sad and people die. Jerri is quibbling about whether or not it was a smart move to send Rob home, and Coach surprises me again by directly confronting her: “Why were you so quick to get rid of him?” Jerri gets a little snippy about it, but really doesn’t answer the question. Why DID you do that, Jerri? You think Russell has any intention of paying it forward with you? But Jerri just stands there in a dramatic pose while the wind whips her mass of hair around, causing a planetary imbalance.

Another sidebar with Coach, talking about the Villains chances as a tribe: “We’re toast. Pray for the merge.”

Roll opening credits. (Followed by a batch of commercials, including one for the TV show “Medium”. Seriously? That show is still on? And is Patricia Arquette ever going to find a haircut that is actually flattering?)

Now we’re at the Heroes camp, where everyone is fiddling around with the shelter in some unexplained effort to improve it. Except for JT. He goes wandering off to find the hidden Immunity Idol. (Wait, isn’t HE the one that said they should all find it together and use it together? Interesting.) Amanda, who does have moments of inspiration from time to time before she lapses back into catatonia, decides to follow him.

We see JT find the Idol, followed two seconds later by Amanda confronting him about what he’s doing. He fesses up, and shows her the hallowed green thing. Then Candice comes running down the same path, and he has to show her. Within a few more seconds, the whole tribe knows. JT, doing some spin control: “I’ll give it to the first one of us that needs it. After the merge.” Good save, JT. But really, don’t you think there’s going to be some fallout from you breaking your own directive?

Turns out, yes there is. Candice wanders over to Amanda, who is busy adjusting her cleavage for the cameras: “Good thing you walked up on him.” Then Candice in a sidebar, where she proclaims JT the “slimiest thing” around. She goes on for a while about JT being Satan with a broken tooth. Come on, Candice. You’re the one that kept changing tribes every other episode in your original season.

But Candice isn’t done with the JT thing. She tracks down Amanda again, digging for dirt. “JT’s in an alliance with everyone. Is he in an alliance with you?” Amanda gets an expression on her face like she would rather stab herself in the eye with Rupert’s broken toe before admitting that she IS in cahoots, sort of, with JT. Then she comes back with: “Is he in an alliance with YOU?” They glare at each other for a while.

Cut over to the Villains camp, where Russell and Danielle are eating what appear to be barbequed rocks. Not sure what that was. Then we have more scenes with people talking about how hungry they are, and other scenes with weakened people lying on the beach, their energy depleted, especially Jerri, who apparently can’t lift her head because her hair is too heavy.

Luckily, tree mail arrives so we don’t have to see anymore of that mess. There’s a challenge coming up, but the description is kind of vague. Some of the Villains decide that it’s going to be an “individual” challenge, and therefore the tribes are about to merge. That’s not how I took it. Then again, I’m sitting in the comfort of my home, while these people are eating rocks and believing anything Russell says. In any case, the Villains decide to pack up everything in camp in case they aren’t coming back.

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Both tribes traipse into the playing area and have to pass a rustic little hut where steaming pizzas and sodas and such are on display. When the Heroes realize that the Villains have sent home Rob, all of their jaws drop. Jeff jumps on this, asking them what they think.

Rupert jumps right in and further confirms that he has lost his credibility and respect this season, spouting off about Rob’s departure confirming that this is the result of an “all-girl alliance” on the Villains tribe. How the hell did you get THAT, Rupe? If you’re really paying attention, you would realize that Russell is currently running the show over at the other camp. Oh wait. In order to realize this, you would have to get off your Yoda log and do some actual work. My bad.

Then Jeff stokes the fire by babbling about how long they’ve been out there on the island, and the tribes are whittling down. The Villains are cheering and waving their campfire accessories. The Heroes are gulping and not really relishing a merge at this point. (If they only knew about the dissension in the Villains camp, they would actually welcome a merge, since they would instantly gain some disgruntled flippers.) Jeff finally comes out with: “Everybody drop your…. expectations.” No merge. The Villains now look silly, and the Heroes look relieved.

On to the actual challenge, which is basically “Survivor Bowling”, with the first tribe to win three rounds gaining access to the pizza. The Heroes get off to a great start, solidly winning the first two rounds. Then they hit a speed bump in the third round, where Colby does a dumbass move and thinks he’s playing volleyball, spiking the ball instead of rolling it. Russell takes that round for the Villains. (Grrr.) Then Amanda seals it for the Heroes by taking the third round. The Villains now have to drag all that crap back home, with nothing to show for it.

Cut to the pizza feast a bit later, with the Heroes shoving crusty goodness into their mouths. While they chew, JT announces that he’s also a believer in the “all-girl” alliance in the other tribe. He thinks this means that Russell and Coach are now sitting ducks. Woo hoo!

Poor disillusioned people. Hope you really enjoy that pizza before you have to come back to reality.

Cut over to the Villains camp, where Jerri is just really mad. Period. She thinks the people who were convinced that this was a merge made the tribe look like idiots. (Okay, fair point. But girl, be careful. Any single thing you do when the numbers start to dwindle can shine a spotlight on you. Then again, you sent Rob home over Russell. You‘re not my favorite person right now.)

Jerri’s also not pleased that Courtney and Sandra sat out the Reward Challenge, because it means they HAVE to play in the Immunity Challenge, and that’s not a good thing. (Another fair point, but this announcement instantly pisses off Courtney, Sandra and Coach, who actually made the decision. Whoopsie.) Then Jerri heads down Suicide Avenue, singling out Sandra and slamming her unfairly, putting words in Sandra’s mouth that she simply did not say.

Sandra in a sidebar: “This is the worst tribe, EVER.”

Sandra and Courtney then get together on yet another random stretch of beach. Interestingly enough (to me, anyway), their anger is not directed toward Jerri, but toward Coach, who decided to have them sit out the Reward Challenge. Sandra is going to go put a fictitious bug in Russell’s ear that Coach is gunning to get Russell out of the game. Oh boy.

Quick scene with Courtney and Coach on the beach, with Courtney babbling away. “Everyone is just blindly going along with what Russell wants.” (Very true.) Then Courtney grabs this giant driftwood branch and uses it to make her way down the beach. The branch is thicker than she is. I don’t know how she was able to lift it, let alone use it as a support device.

Scene with Russell and Sandra, where Russell is going on about having spied Courtney talking to Coach, and therefore they must be working together. This man is so paranoid about everything . How does he sleep? Sandra doesn’t care about his mental hang-ups, at all. Once she can get a word in, she launches with her lie about Coach gunning for Russell. Which is somewhat plausible, until Sandra stupidly says that Coach is feeling bad about voting to send Rob home. Coach DIDN’T vote for Rob to leave, he voted for Courtney. Russell has got to know this.

But the damage has been done. Russell throws logic out the window. Any time he perceives a possible threat to his egomaniacal kingdom, he’s going to lash out. Sandra understands this, so you have to give her credit, despite her misguided intentions.

Sandra in a sidebar: “Russell doesn’t know what he’s in for.” True to an extent, because you just twisted him. But what is your follow-through going to be? Don’t just throw a brick and run. You need to be ready with another brick. And of course, new lies that synch up with your old lies. It’s hard work.

Another quick scene with Russell and Parvati. He’s in full “trash Coach” mode, repeating Sandra’s lies as if they were gospel. Parvati doesn’t care about the “why”, she’s psyched about the drama. If they send Coach home, the Heroes tribe is going to bite even further into the illusion that there’s this “all-girl” alliance going on with the Villains. And after the merge, the Heroes will race to align with Russell, thinking he’s on the outs. And Russell can get the scoop on what the Heroes are up to. High-five!

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

The Survivors have to basically run through a mud-filled obstacle course, grab a flag at the end of the course, then race back. The first tribe to get two flags wins. (Only two? For an Immunity Challenge? Is Jeff tired?) There are going to be pairs of runners belted together, as well as individual Survivors, depending on the round.

First up, we have Amanda and Candice going against Russell and Sandra. Everyone starts out with exuberance, but the Villains quickly fall apart. Correction: Sandra falls apart. Once she’s coated in mud (which takes about two seconds), she can barely move. Eventually Russell is just dragging Sandra along as she weakly chokes on mouthfuls of mud. The Heroes easily take the round.

Next we have Rupert versus Coach, and this one is actually very close until the sprint at the end, where Rupert just can’t run on that bum foot. The Villains take the flag and we’re tied. Finally, it’s JT and Colby against Parvati and Courtney. The guys pull it off and the Heroes win Immunity. Then the camera pans to Courtney lying in the mud pit. (You only know she’s there because you can see her eyes. Otherwise you would think it’s just a tree root.) It seems she’s sprained her ankle. Jeff signals for Medical.

Cut to the Villains camp afterward, with folks splashing in the ocean and trying to chisel off the caked mud. Then we have a sidebar with Coach, where he goes off on one of his Dragon Slayer rants, because he hasn’t yet done so this episode, and we gotta get THAT in. He’s mad about the “forced-five” alliance that he’s now in because Jerri flipped to Russell’s side. (Dude, you don’t have to do anything just because of Big Hair. In fact, you didn’t even vote the same way she did with the Rob thing. Why is everybody forgetting how Coach voted the last time? Even, apparently, Coach.)

Coach then wanders up to Russell, and tries to get the scoop about what’s going on. Russell, for once, really doesn’t have anything to say and just stands there staring out at the sea, probably looking for a cruise ship to float by with a “We heart Russell!” banner on the side. Russell explains his silence in a sidebar: “Coach is going home.”

Well, maybe not.

A very irritated Danielle comes running up to Russell. What are you thinking? “We need to KEEP Coach!” We’ve got to win some challenges, and we aren’t going to do that with Sandra and Courtney barely able to feed themselves. They really get into it, yelling and screaming, until Russell does what he always does when confronted with sound logic that he can’t get around. He calls Danielle a stupid girl and then stomps off. Nice.

Sidebar with Danielle, where she’s furious with Russell over the Coach vote.

Sidebar with Sandra and Courtney, where they really want Coach to go. (Of course they do, because it means they get to be useless for another week.)

Then, out of the blue, Russell comes running up to Parvati and still-steaming Danielle. He’s changed his mind. Danielle’s right. Let’s send Courtney home. (Where did THAT come from? What is he up to?)

Sidebar with Parvati, where she is just flummoxed by this crazy tribe. They cannot seem to work together. (To be fair, Parv, you’re only working with Danielle and Russell as you throw everybody else under the bus. Not exactly the best way to keep the tribe loyal, right?)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff gets right to the point: You’ve sent home Tyson, you’ve sent home Rob, and you’ve lost the last four challenges in a row. Bad decisions? Suddenly everybody’s yelling, either in denial or just because it’s fun. At one point, Jeff suddenly gets worked up about Courtney for some reason, and starts slamming her, calling her useless and saying that she sent Rob home. She didn’t VOTE for Rob. When Courtney tries to point this out, Jeff repeats it. Then he purposely stirs up Coach to go after Courtney. What is Jeff’s deal? Was the bill from Medical too high?

Finally Courtney has had enough, and she unleashes with exactly what she thinks about everything. And she’s 90% spot-on with what she says. (Which irritates half the tribe, since nobody wants the truth to come out at Tribal, because then you don’t get a blind-side and the ratings drop.) Courtney ends with “I’m a determined little bit**!” Sandra really enjoys that line. “You deserve a bump, girl.” And they do.

Time to vote.

Coach, Russell and Jerri vote for Courtney. Sandra, Courtney, Danielle and Parvati vote for Coach. What just happened? Not only did Danielle and Parvati split from Russell, they voted for someone that Danielle wanted to keep. Are they just mad at Russell and did it out of spite?

Or is there really an all-girl alliance after all? Hmm. Surely not. But we clearly were not shown some pivotal scenes that must have taken place at some point. And Russell may have just lost control.

In any case, the Yoga Slayer has exited the building…

#118 - “United States of Tara” - Season 2, Episode 3

We start out with Tara looking all forlorn and sitting in a swing. She’s a little blue about all this transitioning mess and having to lie to Max, not to mention the business with Buck demanding timeshare on her body. He’s been doing this for two weeks now and-

Hold up, Girl. Two WEEKS? I’m thinking you need to get a little help from somebody at this point. Geez.

Then Tara provides a pitiful voice-over while we are treated to a montage of exactly what Buck has been up to during his watch with Tara’s body. Well, he’s basically been spending all that time with Pammy and her cute little girls, bonding and all. Oh, and there’s been some sex. Lots of it.

Speaking of intimate relations, we zip over to Marshall’s school where he and his apparently official girlfriend, Courtney, are primly sitting around the schoolyard talking to each other in that mousy way they have. Interestingly enough, she’s wanting to discuss physical lovin. “I think about sex all the time!” Marshall’s a bit startled, especially when she makes it clear that she is MORE than ready to go all the way. Any time. Right here on the sidewalk if you want.

It’s sad, really. First of all, not really buying the whole “Marshall being straight” thing. He knows too much about black-and-white movies. Then there’s Courtney. She’s so clinical and detached, even when trying to be naughty. Marshall, Dude, if you’re going to cross-over, at least do it with someone who’s the tiniest bit sexy.

Then we have Charmaine, Tara and… one half of the gay couple that lives on Tara’s street, haven’t learned their names yet. Anway, they’re having an impromptu girl party, doing beauty treatments and such. Then Charmaine startles us with the announcement that she was a LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation) back in her college days, running around with a girl who was “very proud of her vagina”. Well, then. And though Charmaine left all that behind long ago, she hasn’t closed the door on the possibility. “I’m gonna go gay when I decide to start eating carbs again.”

Quick scene with Tara sitting in her car somewhere, studying herself in the rearview mirror and trying to act and talk like Buck. This can’t be good.

Max and Neal are over at the Hubbard House, which is now actually Max and Tara’s second house, waiting for some contractor to show. From the conversation, it appears that Neal is still pining for Charmaine and has no clue that she’s about to get hitched to another man. Hmm. There’s potential disaster around every corner in this episode.

Next up, Kate arrives back at Lynda’s house, the stoner chick with lots of imagination and colorful accessories. It seems that Lynda’s check to the debt collection company bounced. How sad. Just then, another stoner rides up on a bicycle, and then everybody goes inside the stoner house to do stoner things.

Another quick scene with Tara practicing Buck mannerisms. (Okay, we get it, Tara’s about to do something really mean and she’s going to do it as Buck. Check.)

Back over to Lynda’s House of Weed and Debt, where everybody is, not surprisingly, very high. They’re all babbling and laughing and carrying on about nothing. Except for this one unidentified guy sitting in a chair off to the side. He’s not moving and might not even be breathing. But since we don’t know his name, there’s no real drama and we move on.

Now we’re at Marshall’s high school, in what appears to be the auditorium, with Bitter Roxy and his hair trying to direct a scene in a play. Or something. Still don’t care for that character so I’m bored before he even opens his mouth. But where’s Marshall?

THERE he is, high up in the rafters with irritating Courtney. Lo and behold, she’s actually pawing away at his privates (just out of camera view, of course, don’t set your DVR if you’re wanting soft porn) while he provides commentary. Then they switch and he fiddles around with her business. It has got to be the most awkward and uncomfortable sex scene ever captured on film. Then Courtney manages to kick over something noisy, the folks down on the stage look up in surprise, and we’re done. Thank God.

Tara finally knocks on Pammy’s door after the extensive dress rehearsal in the parking lot. Pammy is thrilled to see Buck, but it quickly becomes apparent that something is not right, especially when Buck just stares at his beer instead of drinking it. Tara takes a deep breath. “This is not working out.”

Back over to the Stone Cold Palace. The dead guy and all the extras have left, leaving just Kate and Lynda to deal with their munchies. For kicks, Lynda starts dragging out all her Valhalla Hawkwind props from back in the day. Kate decides that she wants to put on one of the outfits. Okay, producer people, let’s pick things up a bit. This particular subplot is going from interesting to dull very quickly.

And we’re at Pammy’s again. It looks like something major was revealed while we watched Kate play dress-up, because Pammy is crying hysterically and on the verge of doing something really unsavory. Tara: “I have a disorder.” Pammy: “It’s always the disease’s fault, never someone just being an a**hole!” (I actually really like that line and might need to use it in the future.)

Pammy finally goes over the edge and snaps “I’m gonna tell Buck!” Um, sweetie, Buck’s right there in the chair. You might have to take a number before the operator can make a connection, but he’s still there.

Max and Neal again, still waiting on that contractor while they stand around the Hubbard House. Charmaine flounces in, Neal notices the engagement ring, and there is tension. Stupid Charmaine prattles on about the flaws of the stone, completely ignoring the pain on Neal’s face. He finally just turns and leaves. Good move, Charmaine. Such class.

Kate and Marshall in one of their bedrooms. She’s brought some wacky tobackey back from loopy girl’s house and wants him to try some. He demurs at first. “I’m not into weed. It makes me like action movies.” Then Kate starts talking about his new-found heterosexuality, and he quickly reaches for the pipe.

Downstairs, Max and Tara are chatting in the kitchen. He’s whining about petty things and she gets bored. We never do anything fun around here. Hey, let’s grab the kids and go ice skating! Max thinks that sounds swell, so they race up the stairs to round up the whacked-out kids, along with Charmaine and her unsatisfying ring.

Quick shot of Pammy sitting in her car on the street outside, glaring at Tara/Buck/Alice/T’s house. Uh oh.

So there we are at the ice-skating rink, with everybody in a really good mood. Happiness is not theoretically allowed on this show, so we know something’s coming. And there she is. Pammy waltzes inside, not bothering to rent any skates so it’s clear she’s up to no good. She marches to the little booth where the DJ is playing uninteresting songs, grabs the mike away from him, and proceeds to address the crowd.

She starts off with a polite “I didn’t want to do this,” and then launches. She’s had a crappy life, deserves so much better, and is finally take charge. “Buck, I love you! ALL of you! I hope I catch your disease!” Then she just-as-politely informs the stunned crowd that they can go back to their skating.

Dead silence.

Then Max turns to Tara: “All I’ve ever done is be good to you!” And then he’s out of there, jumping in his truck and peeling out of the parking lot. (Hey, how is everybody else going to get home? That’s really rude.) Max drives to the contractor’s house, the one who never showed, and they get into a fistfight, rolling around on the ground and getting dirty and everything. It’s like the WWF, but for real.

Now we find Tara standing by herself at the skating rink. (Kate, Marshall and Charmaine are still there, but they’ve skated off in a sad little corner, feeling sorry for themselves as they tend to do. Tara always ruins everything. (That’s right, kids, she does. Because her name is in the title of the show. Did you not read your contracts?)

We end with Tara standing in the restroom area, studying the doors for both the Ladies and the Gents. Then her face hardens, she transitions into Buck, marches into the room for the guys, slams a stall door shut, and completely loses it…

Oh boy.