#66 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 23

We start out with the HOH Competition still in full swing. House guests are running up and down the slippery "graham crackers" and trying to fill a bowl with chocolate.

Jeff: "Someone falling down is the funniest thing."

And so we see lots of shots of Jordan, busting her ass. (And it WAS funny, even though you knew it had to be painful, and as decent human beings we shouldn't laugh at pain. Yet I did. Sue me.) But really, all of them were hitting the ground hard, especially Natalie. Speaking of:

Natalie in the Diary Room, realizing that Kevin was pulling ahead in the competition: "Why show the other house guests that I'm a strong competitor?" (When have you EVER shown that, Natalie?) So she starts slacking off and not trying at all.

Jeff notices this, and gets pissed.

Kevin notices this, gets pissed, and then decides to completely forgive her afterwards. Girl, wake up.

And Kevin wins HOH.

Quick scene with Natalie and Kevin, with Natalie thinking that next week's competition MIGHT involve questions, and Michelle is really smart. Maybe we should go after her? Isn't this a lovely world where stupid people want to take out smart people because those smart people might get in their way? (You know, like the Bush Administration.)

Scenes with Michelle, alone, crying all over the place. "I'm all by myself!" Well, it's a little sad, because those were real tears, with you choking and getting snotty and all. But you know what? Maybe you should dry those eyes, get off your sorry ass, and GO TALK TO PEOPLE. Quit laying around, clutching a stuffed unicorn of dreams and waiting for the good-luck fairies to swoop down and bless you. Get a grip.

So we tromp upstairs to check out Kevin's HOH Room. All the girls are squealing about the hotness of Kev's partner. (Kevin in the Diary Room: "He MY man." Hands off, bitches.) Then Kevin reads the letter from his partner (Alphonso?) , and breaks down a bit. In the letter, his man tells Kevin to let his inner beauty factor into his decisions. It's sweet.

Sadly, I think we're already past that point. Kevin told a big-ass lie to Jeff, and it's affected everything in the house for the last two weeks. The Queen is dirty, sayin.

Jordan in the Diary Room, talking about her family losing their house: "You don't realize what you have until you lose it." Very true. And it's "good to know you can go home to be with honest people that love you." I really love Jordan. Wouldn't it be fun if she managed to somehow win a critical competition that launches her into the end game? Just something to think about.

Natalie and Jordan in a discussion, with Natalie telling Jordan she hopes Kevin will "stick to the plan for Michelle to be gone." What is THAT? Did I miss something?

Jeff wanders into this scene just as Natalie is called to the Diary Room. Jordan whispers to Jeff that she thinks Kevin is going to put up her and Michelle, and then surprise Jeff with a backdoor. Jeff doesn't think so, he has an agreement with Kevin and Natalie. Dude, don't be so stupid and trusting.

Then we have an extended scene where Jordan is not clear on the difference between a peach and a nectarine. All played for laffs. But seriously, would YOU know the difference? Just sayin.

Followed by another extended scene where a dragonfly apparently causes Natalie to go into convulsions when it simply flies by her. Okay, this girl is some sort of martial arts black belt something or other, and she's freaked by an insect? Natalie, do you have ANY redeeming qualities? Name one. Please.

And yet another extended scene, and initially we have Kevin and Michelle, with Kevin saying "I'm in a pickle" about the nominations. Then worthless Natalie wanders in, followed by Jordan, still confused about fruit. Natalie to Michelle: "It's us two against you three." Then Jeff joins the party, and Natalie says flat out: "Put Michelle up, I don't trust anything out of her mouth."

Uh, is Natalie pulling strategy here? Yes, she confirms it in the Diary Room. She wants Jeff to think he's safe.

Later, Kevin and Natalie double-team Jeff and Jordan, pushing the Michelle angle some more. Natalie is still playing strategy to surprise Jeff, but then we have Kevin in the Diary Room: "Sending Michelle home would make everyone else happy." Possibly. But you know what the bigger win would be, Kevin? Sending Natalie home. THAT would make everyone happy. Risky, but your stock value could go through the roof. You'd be a free agent, with offers coming from everywhere.

Then we have Kevin, Natalie, Jeff and Jordan lying around (I guess Michelle was still off blubbering somewhere), with Kevin asking Jeff questions about "the perfect girl". Kevin intentionally asks questions that put Jordan in a bad light. What are you DOING, Kevin? This is the "bad queen" side of you coming out. Interestingly enough, Natalie actually tries to twist things around so that Jordan doesn't look so unworthy of Jeff's attention.

Kevin and Michelle in the HOH Room. Kevin: "I can't figure you out." Michelle: "They never tell me what they're going to do." (Exhibit A: The whole Russell thing.) This is where Michelle could work some strategy to save her ass. But she doesn't. Girl just does not know how to PLAY.

Kevin, Jordan and Jeff in the HOH Room. Kevin: "Anything I do at this point is not personal." (Which should set off alarms, right?) They talk a bit more, and Jordan eventually leaves, but Jeff wants to stay. Jeff: "I did my part of the deal." Kevin: "You're not going to like what I have to say." He wants to put Jeff and Jordan up.

Jeff: "Why not put Jordan and Michelle up, let me win POV, and take Jordan off." (Okay, that's a little bit cocky, like Jeff is guaranteed a win, but let's go with it for now.) Kevin: But that means "Natalie has to go up." Jeff: "Then we vote Michelle out."

Jeff really pushes the "agreement" that he has with Kevin. ("I broke my alliance to save you". Which he did.) But will Kevin honor that? Instinct says no. Kevin stood by Lydia WAY longer than he should have. And now he's paired with Natalie. Kevin is not a risk-taker. And you have to be one in this game.

Totally unrelated comment concerning a commercial break at this point: We are treated with the revelation that there is now a "vibrating" mascara on the market that will give you even lusher eyelashes than ever before. This mascara device has its own battery. Are you KIDDING me? Good gawd.

Back to the show, with Kevin announcing his nominations for eviction: It's Michelle and Jeff. Kevin, dude, you just lost any trust with Michelle, Jeff AND Jordan. So either you or Natalie has to win POV to keep your move alive. I'll give Kevin credit, he's won a few things. But Natalie? Did you really think this thing out?

Game on.

#65 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 22

We start at the end of the Veto Ceremony, where Jeff pulled Kevin off the block and put Russell up. As Natalie and Russell climb out of the nomination chairs, Natalie is grinning so hard that I thought her head would snap in two. Girl just does NOT have a poker face.

Jeff: "Let the weirdness begin."

Jeff in the Diary Room: Says he decided to do the backdoor because he really believes that Natalie and Kevin will save him next week. Poor thing. You're pretty, but just a wee bit simple.

Russell in the Diary Room: He picked the wrong guy. I am going to tear this place UP.

Then we have a few scenes with Kevin and Natalie still talking "final four" with Jordan and Jeff, mixed in with scenes of Kevin and Natalie still vowing to take Jeff down. Earlier in the game, these two losers wouldn't be worth the time of day. With the house down to 6, this is a serious issue. Can Jeff figure it out? Hope so, but he also thought "technotronics" was a word.

Russell and Michelle after the POV Ceremony. She cries, and they hug quite a bit. He tells her that he hopes she wins. It's actually very sweet. But she doesn't deserve to win. Sorry.

Then we have the first of the fully-expected Russell blow-ups. Jeff tries to be decent, and actually approaches Russell in the courtyard to talk it out. Russell is okay for a bit, then he launches, telling Jeff that he better win the game, because if Jeff gets evicted, Russell will, basically, beat the hell out of Jeff when he gets to the Jury House. Nice.

Jeff tries to keep things under control, telling Russell to "drop the anger" and "man up." And he does an okay job, but he gets just a little bit cocky, and eventually doesn't have any comebacks for Russell other than saying "you got got" about 46 times. Still, Russell is the jerk here.

Later, over a game of pool, Russell tries working Kevin. Russell: I can take Jeff out, and there will be no blood on your hands. You could own the game and pull the smartest move by keeping me.

Kevin in the Diary Room: "I could keep Natalie or I could keep Russell." Um, yes, those are your two options. Thanks for sharing.

Then we have another Russell blow-up, where he starts out taunting Jeff but then switches to Jordan, and we learn that Miss Southern Charm can sure as hell dish it back. She's in his face just as much as he's in hers. (When she raced over to Russell and shouldered him in the chest? I high-fived MYSELF. Good stuff.)

Russell is completely over the top with his remarks, although he does get in some smart jabs to the other house guests: "Would Jeff save YOU?" Good point. But running around like a lunatic and making everyone very uncomfortable is not going to help your case.

I just don't understand why, after 11 seasons of this show, that some of the houseguests still don't understand that acting crazy-ass doesn't really get you anywhere. (Yes, a few people have been successful with shouting and intimidation. But in the big picture? Not so much. Most of the psycho screamers end up in a limousine headed to the Jury House.)

Speaking of the Jury House, we then switch over to that little palace, where Jessie is running around in some truly dumb-ass pink tights and nothing else. On what planet do you think people would actually find that outfit sexy? It's certainly not this one, but good luck with it.

Then Lydia, who has sworn to make Jessie's life a living hell for his lies, arrives at the Jury House with her frightening pink hair. She sort of disses him for the way he treated her, not really meaning it and fake-punching him. But within seconds she's alone on camera, drool dripping from her chin as she salivates about being alone in the house with him for a week.

And how many people went home before THIS beyotch? Please.

Interesting side note: Jessie fesses up to the camera that Jeff has pulled some really smart moves, and he'll probably vote for Jeff in the end. And there's the dichotomy with Jessie. He's not stupid, and he does respect good gameplay, but he's just so annoyingly arrogant that you would rather have an organ removed than spend any time in the same room with him.

So it's time for Julie to have her little "pre-vote" interview with all the houseguests, where she asks basically pointless questions just to fill up time. And she does just that, with the only mildly interesting query being when she asks Jordan how it's been in the house this week. Jordan is NONE too happy about Russell, "calling me fat and telling me to go eat cookie dough."

Julie does announce that the "have/have not" competitions are over. (The houseguests cheer.) But there are still surprises coming up. (The houseguests all immediately reach for mood stabilizers.)

Jeff in the HOH Room, with Julie throwing out questions. Normally, this is also fluff. But for some reason Julie seems intent on getting a message to Jeff, something she typically doesn't bother with but will still do so from time to time. (It's a wee bit unfair, but since she only seems to do it with decent houseguests that people like, I'm all for it.)

Jules: Why Russell?

Jeffy: I had to make the move now before it's too late.

Jules: Did this make or break you?

Jeffy: Make.

(He's not getting her hint, so she gets a little more direct.)

Jules: How confident are you with Natalie and Kevin?

Jeffy: If they put me up, I can still fight for the Veto.

Okay, then. Julie tried. Jeff should understand that Julie doesn't often do this, and he should mull over what she just said. Did he get it? Not sure.

Back downstairs for the actual Eviction Vote and the "save me" speeches:

Natalie: To CBS and all the producers, thanks for this wonderful opportunity. And to my fellow houseguests, thank you in advance for keeping me in the house.

Well, then. I guess the producers once again held back some key scenes, because Natalie's demeanor is not just hopeful, she's fully confident.

Russell: He does throw out that "personal attacks are part of the game." (I don't really agree with that, but so be it.) Otherwise, he's very cordial and decent. Actually kind of surprised.

We have the vote, and it's 3-0 to send Russell out. And Russell surprises me again by being a perfect gentleman on the way out the door. He's actually very classy about it.

In the exit interview with Julie, Russell fesses up that his eviction was "the smartest thing Jeff could do." He doesn't hate on anybody, explaining that his outbursts were all nothing but strategy and it just didn't work for him. Sort of makes you wonder what the game would have been like if he'd played it a different way, right?

Then again, I guess you could say that about anybody in this game. Except for Chima.

During the tape of houseguest "goodbyes", Jordan tells Russell that "I strongly, strongly dislike you as a person." See, she's sweet even when she's dissing somebody.

Time for the HOH Competition, and this one involves people carrying little cups of liquid over a slippery runway and trying to fill a giant bowl at the other end. So we know right away that we aren't going to have an immediate winner.

Personal note to the BB producers: I know you think it's "suspenseful" when you do this, making us wait until the next episode to find out who actually won. But with modern technology and your own airing of "Big Brother After Dark" every night, I can't even get on the Internet for fear of accidentally seeing something I don't want to see until the next episode.

I'm a faithful viewer who tunes in and gets you ratings. Give me some respect. Don't penalize me with these "tune in and find out" teaser competitions when half the planet already knows who won before the next episode. I know you won't change, because it's all about the money, but it was worth a shot.

Anyway, we end the show with the houseguests still running back and forth filling their bowls, and Julie announcing to the audience that there's an upcoming HOH twist. Final shot is of a weird door with a question mark on it.

Hmm.

#64 - Hung - Season 1, Episode 8

So, Ray's still waiting at the boat dock for Jemma to show. He leaves several voice mails, and then decides to head out. As he's leaving, Jemma finally calls. (We see she's at home, taking a bubble bath.) She tells Ray "we need a break" and then hangs up.

Ray, you need to get over her. I can arrange for an intervention, just say the word.

Ray decides to show up at Jessica and Ron's house for family dinner. First we get to see Jessie's crazy momma yelling about how Ronnie is a loser and lazy, while he's sitting right there. Then we see that Damon has pierced his tongue and died his hair black. (Kudos to the makeup people for ensuring that these kids look uglier every time we see them.)

Ray tries having a decent conversation with Ronnie in the kitchen, but Ron is a total jerk for no apparent reason. This irks Ray a bit, so he starts asking Ronnie "how did you get the girl?" (meaning Jessica). Was it the money? So the hate-fest escalates until Jessica wanders in to see what's going on, and Ray just leaves. Nothing like quality time with the family, right?

Ray shows up Tanya's, needing "some women advice." At first Tanya thinks this is going to be interesting, until she realizes he's moping about Jemma. She yells a bit, then tries to steer the conversation toward her new promo campaign for Happiness Consultants. (This time there's actually going to be a phone number with the ad. Yay!)

Ray gets mad that she got mad and tries to change the subject. So, naturally, he derides her new ideas. More yelling, more arm flailing, and the scene ends with neither Consultant being very Happy.

Tanya runs the new ads anyway.

Almost immediately, Lenore calls the number, and tries giving Tanya advice on a better angle to procure clients. Try hooking up with people like Horny Patty, an odd, sweaty woman they both know. Lenore: "Even losers need to get laid once in a while." Tanya, still not pleased with Lenore in general, tells her "you focus on what you do, and I'll focus on what I do." (Which means that wimpy Tanya will probably be hunting down Horny Patty within a few more scenes.)

Jessica confronts Ray, all enraged about the money comments to Ronnie. So now Ray is in his fifth argument in about 15 minutes of airtime. They bicker and poke at each other, until Jessica ends the conversation with "I divorced a boy to marry a man."

Obviously, not a good thing for Ray's self-esteem, but I'm thinking: So Jessica married someone in between Ray and Ronnie? Who knew!

Tanya approaches Horny Patty, awkwardly and slowly steering their chit-chat to the intriguing possibilities with this "service" that she knows about. (Interestingly enough, Tanya acts like Lenore owns this service.) Anyway, in the end, it looks like Ho Pat is hooked.

So we cut to Ray and Horny Patty in a hotel room. Patty is babbling a lot of embarrassing nonsense ("I went to Sea World by myself" and "I love watching Animal Kingdom on YouTube"), and we're thinking, poor little geeky thing. But then she tells Ray that she loves this because she can say whatever she wants and Ray is going to say it's just fine. She's completely comfortable and relaxed.

Very comfortable. Within seconds she demands that he take her now, and at it they go, with obscenities streaming out of her mouth and body parts bouncing around the bed. I think we got us a new client, Ray.

Ray meets with Jemma, and tries to give her a letter "from the heart". Jemma: "Eff your heart. I paid in full." Stunned, but still desperate, he pleads with her: "We had something... in the tent... I saw it in your eyes." She continues to chew him up and spit him out, until he finally breaks, rips up the letter, and walks away.

Is ANYbody on this show ever happy? For even five minutes?

Pierce at Tanya's, looking in her fridge: "All you have are vegetables in here." (You have MET, Tanya, right? Why are you surprised.) Then he tells her he's got to go, can't stay tonight, gotta get up early. Tanya: "I know nothing about you." Pierce: "Tomorrow."

Sigh. Has Tanya found ANOTHER loser that will cause her suffering and pain in the end?

Cut to Ray drinking at a bar, pretty trashed. (Who wouldn't be after a day like he's had?) Some other drunk at the bar starts babbling at Ray, and it turns out they used to play against each other back in the day. As anyone would do at that point, they then go out and play baseball in the rain, yelling lots of expletives and catching up. The guy fesses up to following every one of Ray's games ever since.

Finally, a wee bit of validation for Ray, although I'm not sure Ray takes it as such or is even fully aware of where he is or what he's doing.

Ray finally staggers home, and finds Tanya in his tent. She has some interesting news. Seems Jemma PAID to have the cruel breakup scene with letters not being read and hearts being sodomized. Jemma wanted to break it off with someone, no explanation given, just like she's had done to her.

Wow. That Jemma is messed UP. And Tanya WANTED to tell him the gig ("I swear on my mother's lack of love") but she couldn't. And hey! Twisted Jemma paid $2K for the whole bit of fun. Got the cash right here.

So they have a beer.

Ray: "You're the only friend I have."

Tanya smiles one of her patented, winsome "I'm really a nice girl but I'm so lonely" smiles, and then gets Ray into some dry clothes. He tries to pull some moves on her, but she stops him.

A few minutes later, Tanya: "How come you never called me after that first night?"

Ray's answer is completely unprintable, but actually very sweet.

Tanya: "Good night, Ray."

#63 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 21

We pick up right after the nominations, with Jeff making an aside to Russell that "I did wanna hear a 'thank you, Jeff'" Oh? No thank you? Russell, dude, that's one thing you should know by now about BB. You ALWAYS say thank you when your key is pulled at the Nomination Ceremony, but especially if you had a strong chance at going up. It's just good business.

Russell in the Diary Room: "I was very surprised at the nominations." So did you think you should have gone up? Hmm.

Later, Russell and Jeff in a conversation. Russell: "I'll never put you up and I'll never vote against you." Dude, part two, don't say that at this point in the game. Statements like that will burn you when there are only 6 people left and anything can happen.

Jeff in the Diary Room: Still pissed that he used the Coup d'Etat to save Russell, and Russell still voted to keep Jessie.

Scene with Natalie and Kevin pushing Jordan for a final-four deal. Jordan in the Diary Room: "I trust them more than Russell." Poor thing. But at least you look pretty.

Jeff and Jordan in the HOH Room, with Jeff surprisingly getting harsh with Jordan about her needing to be more focused. There's some truth to that angle, but the delivery was too abrasive. Where is that coming from? Jordan ends this round by saying "you worry about yourself and I'll worry about me." More to come.

Russell buzzing at the HOH Room and getting no response. WE can see that Jordan and Jeff are just asleep, but of course Russell thinks they are just ignoring him and hits another paranoia peak. He races to the courtyard to dish with Michelle. "Do you think they are gonna backdoor one of us?"

Scene with most of the houseguests in the courtyard, lounging, and Jordan asks Kevin, in a very considerate way, if she can ask a few questions about being gay. (There's something very comforting about Southern charm and manners, just sayin.) Kevin opens up, and everyone is very supportive. (Did I spy Russell taking notes?) Kevin in the Diary Room, commenting on the support: "I wish the WHOLE WORLD was like this."

Amen, sister brother. Because we're not there yet. Many miles to travel.

Michelle visits Jeff in the HOH Room to talk strategy. Jordan is there, but she's got headphones on and is clearly listening to some music. Michelle asks flat out: "Who's going home?" Jeff waffles a bit, depends on how the Veto plays, blah blah. Then Michelle wanders off.

So Jeff then snaps at Jordan for not participating in the conversation. She's all, hello, I had the headphones on, I didn't know what you were talking about. He's mad because apparently she was supposed to rip the headphones off and jump into a discussion that did not directly involve her. It gets heated.

Michelle wanders back in on the tail end of this, and gives Jordan a hug, saying "I'm sorry." This sets Jeff off, and he snaps at Michelle as well, all bent out of shape. (Kudos to mousey Michelle for saying "Well, you get kind of mean sometimes.")

Just WHAT is up Jeff's butt this episode?

They get back to gameplay strategy, and Michelle slips up by saying something like "glad we're safe" (meaning her and Russell). Oopsy. Jeff latches on to that and runs with it. "Why are you always saying 'us' instead of 'I'?" Fair question. Michelle looks appropriately flummoxed, makes sure she says "I" in her final statement, then she wanders off again.

Jordan with Natalie and Kevin, telling them that they are 100% safe. Girl, don't tell them that. Those two will twist it around and use that against you the first chance they get. Jordan leaves, and Natalie and Kevin are all "We've got to get them!", meaning Jeff and Jordan. Kevin further confirms this in the Diary Room: "We are gonna stab them in the back!"

Then we get to the Veto Competition, and this one involves a giant, messy jungle full of bananas with various houseguest names on the bananas. The object is to listen to a clue, figure out which houseguest they are talking about, then race to find the appropriate banana and not be the last one back up this steep, slippery incline.

Natalie is the first one out. ("I can't win ANYTHING." Exactly. So why are you still here?) Then Russell is out, followed by Kevin and Michelle. Jeff wins. He has HOH and POV. The game is now his to either fine-tune or totally screw up.

Quick scene with Kevin and Jeff, with Kevin asking Jeff to take him off the block. Hey, never hurts to ask, right? Something the next houseguest should take to heart:

Russell in the Diary Room: "I haven't asked Jeff directly who he's putting up." (Why the hell not? People, this is the number one rule in BB that folks should follow but most can't figure this out: DON'T sit on your ass and cross your fingers. Talk to people. Find out what's going on. You may get lied to, but at least you tried.) Russell does promise that there will be hell to pay if he's nominated.

Natalie and Kevin meet with Jeff, and both swear 100% that they will not even put him up. Of course they're completely lying. They fully intend to go after Jeff.

Russell and Michelle in the courtyard. Russell: "I won't forget this stress Jeff has put us through?" Um, did you not read what I just said about it's your own dumbass fault for not talking to Jeff? The stress is entirely of your own making. Russell: They think Chima was bad? If either of us go up, it's on.

Russell, did you forget what finally happened to Chima? Just sayin.

But Russell then brings up a good point. If Jeff doesn't play this just right, then next week Jeff could face 3 people in the house against him and Jordan. With Jeff unable to play for HOH, so the hope would be on Jordan to win. Love ya, Jordan, but those are some pretty bad odds.

So we get to the Veto Ceremony, and the two nominees make their little speeches. Natalie is actually decent, if you think she can help you get closer to the end, then save me. Kevin, he's not so honest. "I've been playing straightforward in this game." Uh, no you have not. Your lied to Jeff, even though your words were true in another context. But you did not hear what you told Jeff you heard.

So at this point, even though I'm no fan of Natalie, if Jeff is going to pull a backdoor, he should save Natalie and not Kevin. (Then again, Kevin asked to be saved, Natalie did not. Communication, people!)

Jeff pulls Kevin, and puts Russell up. Jeff to Russell: "I couldn't get past the Jessie vote." (Fair enough, Russell should not have voted to keep Jessie after Jeff saved his ass.) And "You're too close to Michelle." (Not so fair, Jeff. You're a little bit close with Jordan, wouldn't you say?)

Jeff in the Diary Room: "I expect fireworks." And fireworks you shall get.

Michelle in the Diary Room: "I gotta separate myself from Russell or I'm going up next week." Not if he doesn't leave. Think about it. You are a scientist, right?

Russell in the Diary Room: "Jeff, that was a dumb move. If I go home, you're next."

And that just might be true.

See you on Thursday.

#62 - Nurse Jackie - Season 1, Episode 12

Okay, this is the final episode for the season, so we know going into this mess that there's going to be lots of crazy thrown at us. And the producers do not disappoint.

We start in Kevin's bar, with Jackie being all smarmy about Jennie Flynn, the ex-girlfriend who is responsible for bringing the brat Caitlan into the world, as well as (sort of) causing Jackie and Gracie to have to leave the dance class in shame.

Jackie: "I know about you guys." Kevin: "We were together two weeks when we were 16." Jackie doesn't really have a response to that, so Kevin seizes the upper hand in the constant battle of marital one-upmanship and tells Jackie that he has a surprise for her when she gets off work. In fact, he wants to meet her at midnight at the bar for the unveiling of the surprise.

Jackie, having no clue what this might be, but certain that she should probably stock up on pharmaceuticals before arriving, makes one of her grimace faces and then scampers out of the bar.

As soon as she skedaddles, Eddie, who has possibly been waiting outside the bar all night, who knows, rushes into the bar. The bar is not open yet, but Kevin offers to serve him anyway. Uh oh.

Over at St. Whatever, Hospital Admin Gloria storms up to Jackie and lets her know that she wants a statement from Jackie and Zoey about the "coma critic", in her office, in 5 minutes. Then she promptly stomps off and gets stuck in a faulty elevator. Yay.

Gloria immediately starts calling the nurse's station. Jackie and Zoey discuss, and Jackie instructs Zoey to NOT call the elevator repairman but act like she did. Zoey then has several quick cut scenes where she repeatedly hangs up on the screaming Gloria.

Coop confronts Jackie and lets her know that he knows she broke her finger on purpose. But he thinks she did it because of the illegal donor thing, so that she could wiggle her way in and get Coop on her side. It's clear that he really wants her. It's also clear that she does NOT want him. "You are a moron." But then she kisses him again. He's confused, we're confused, and Jackie waltzes off.

Back over to Kevin's bar, where Eddie is getting a wee bit toasted. But he's sober and probing enough to ask if the girl (Jackie) in a photo with Kevin is Kevin's wife. Of course it is. Kevin asks Eddie if HE's got a girl. Eddie: "Yeah, but she's married, with two kids." A couple of beats for Kevin to figure it out. He doesn't.

Quick scene with Gloria in the elevator, still trapped, doing stupid things out of boredom.

Scene with O'Hara and Jacks working on the Coma Critic. O'Hara: I'm "going to break the law at 10pm tonight. Are you with me?" Jacks: Sure. Seems O'Hara has arranged for her mother's body to be discovered as a Jane Doe in Battery Park, so O'Hara can get one last look at her. (How one arranges for this, I have no idea.) While they chatter, it appears that Coma Critic is responding to O'Hara's prodding and may be waking up.

Another scene with Gloria in the elevator. More stupid things out of boredom.

Jackie wanders up to the Pill-O-Matic dispenser and tries the unplug-and-reset thing that Eddie showed her. It doesn't work. She calls and leaves a "help-me" voice mail with Eddie, adding "Love you". See, she can say that to him when she wants drugs, but not when he says it to HER and is looking for validation. Bad girl.

Scene with some grungy-looking EMT hitting on Zoey for a date. Zoey is not interested. She's feeling blue about possibly killing the Coma Critic, and is a little distracted. Jackie: "Go put on your happy monkey scrubs" and get over it.

Gloria in the elevator. More stupid things. (This is getting boring.)

Back to Eddie and Kevin at the bar, where Eddie learns that Jackie is really nice to Kevin, making him breakfast even though she's tired and all. Poor Kevin. Stoking the fire and doesn't even know it.

Odd scene with Coop working an ER patient that has his intestines hanging out, with Momo attending. They both end up giving Momo pointers on how to keep his man interested. Really?

Back to Eddie and Kevin again, where Eddie is pretty lit, and Kevin is joining him in downing the shots. Eddie keeps cutting off Jackie's repeated phone calls. Kevin shows Eddie the ring he can't afford but bought anyway. Nice. More potent shots, more calls from Jackie that Eddie cuts off.

Gloria finally gets out of the elevator. Thank gawd, because that was getting old.

Scene with Jackie again trying to jack the Pill-O-Matic. She does something not right, an alarm goes off, and she races away. Girl, this is New York City. Just step outside the hospital and score you a little somethin somethin from a recently-unemployed Wall Street broker.

Then we have O'Hara and Jackie waiting for O'Hara's mum to be dropped off in the ER. Jackie wants to know if O'Hara has any Xanax on her. O'Hara is not exactly thrilled with that, and lets Jackie know that she doesn't actually walk around with candy in her pockets. Jackie waits approximately 3 seconds to show support about the Mum thing, then dashes back in the hospital.

Where she encounters Coop kissing Momo so they can make a jealousy picture for Momo to get his man's attention. Jackie sails by like this happens all the time.

And then we have Eddie staggering into the ER, fully buzzed courtesy of Kevin's bartending skills. Big showdown, with Gloria demanding that he leave and trying to call Security. Eddie realizes he has got to scoot, but not before whispering to Jackie: "I met Kevin. Very nice bar that you have."

Oh boy. Jackie rushes into a convenient bathroom and has a small breakdown, rudely banging on innocent bathroom stalls.

Cut to O'Hara. Her mum has arrived, and Jackie is not there for support. O'Hara breaks, sobbing. See, I know we're supposed to get that Jackie is a complex character, but a decent person would never let a friend go through such a thing alone, especially when they've been asked by the friend to be there. Not really liking Jackie at this point.

Jackie races to the Pill-O-Matic, signs in as herself (uh oh), and gets three strong vials of morphine. Then she wanders into an empty office, locks the door, and sucks down all three vials, immediately collapsing into a woozy haze.

While she's strung out, Jackie flashes back on many of the troubling scenes she's experienced this season. Mixed in with that are weird scenes with her in a pristine white nurse's outfit from days gone by, and equally surreal shots of Kevin, Fiona and a tap-dancing Gracie as the abandoned but loving family.

Jackie finally comes somewhat back to reality, and she sees a rat racing by in the overhead light while she's flat out on the floor. We end with Jackie asking: "Anyone else see that?"

Yes, I did. And I'm thinking the rat is YOU. Letting O'Hara, your solid supporter, face Mum alone? Wrong. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Just sayin.

Not sure if I want a second helping of this meal. Complexity and moral ambiguity can be tasty. But don't push a character so far into the dark and then expect me to root for them just because it's artsy and boldly daring. Make sense of it. Make me believe.

Are you listening, Showtime?

#61 - True Blood - Season 2, Episode 10

We start off with another dream sequence, where Sookie is encountering a seductive Eric and she is all a quiver with thoughts of him sinking his fangs into her. So much for Sookie thinking she can avoid this little side effect of sucking bullets out of Eric's chest.

Then we have Sookie and Eric heading back to Bon Temps, with Bill nestled in one of those "Anubis Air" casket thingies. They roll into town, and discover that the place is a mess, with weird-eyed townsfolk acting all crazy and getting hit by cars.

Cut to Mary Ann and Eggs and the butler guy at Sookie's house, building this huge thing that includes cuts of prime meat and feathers, and sure looks like something you would use to sacrifice unappreciative people in a randy ceremony.

Then we're over at Deputy Andy's, where he's just arrived with some supplies for the formerly naked Sam. Andy's a bit drunk, so Sam has to explain to him again that Mary Ann is this demon creature thing, that she's immortal, has super powers, and desperately wants Sam. Andy wonders why she would want him so. Sam is not certain, but he's sure that part of it involves a need to "cut out my heart while a bunch of naked people watch."

Then Sam gets a call from Arlene. She's at Merlotte's and she is really, really scared. If Sam had any sense, he would realize that if evil people were trying to find him, they would probably look for him at Merlotte's. After all, that's where they staged Daphne for him to find, and that didn't work out so well, did it? But no, Sam and Andy head to Merlotte's.

Sookie, Bill and Jason arrive at Bill's house, where they find Jessica, Hoyt, and, interestingly enough, Hoyt's momma. Momma is all weird-eyed, and not being a very pleasant guest. She's racing around, saying filthy things about everybody and just being rude.

Hoyt tries to explain the latest happenings around town and, although everyone seems to have gone off the rails, the hot spots appear to be Sookie's house and Merlotte's.

Sookie and Bill head to her house, and Jason heads to Merlotte's, despite Sookie's misgivings on that ("This would be one of those times to use your head") and the fact that part of the reason Jason is headed to Merlotte's is that apparently a new waitress has been hired while he was off serving God. Despite the fact that said waitress (Daphne) is now dead and has been served as an entree.

Sam and Andy arrive at Merlotte's, and it's a total trap, as we all expected. They manage to barricade themselves in the freezer, but not before Andy grabs a bottle of liquor just before the door slams shut.

Cut to Tara, bound to a chair at Lafayette's, while Laff and Mom try to talk some sense into her. Tara all crazy and mean. Mom prays for her and, surprisingly, Laff prays as well. ("Just because YOU may not like what I do don't mean I don't talk to Jesus.")

Did anybody on the far right hear that last line? Just checking.

Sookie and Bill arrive at Sookie's house, notice the sacrifice tree thing in the yard, and discover the house is a mess. Laff calls Sookie. "Where are you? Get OUT of that house!"

Mary Ann saunters into the room. "What are you doing in MY house?" Sookie is not well about that. "YOUR house?" But the cat fight is not fairly balanced, what with Mary Ann being immortal and all, and Mary Ann slams Sookie into the wall.

Bill, of course, fangs out about that and attacks Mary Ann, ripping into her throat. What's this? Her blood is all black and nasty, and Bill weakens. Then Sookie jumps back into it, and when she touches Mary Ann's forehead, there's a weird light power that shoots out and pushes Mary Ann back. Really? What is THAT all about?

No time for analysis, as Sookie races out the door with Bill. But Mary Ann is very intrigued with the light show, wondering aloud "What ARE you?" as Sookie and Bill zip off into the night.

Quick scene with Sam and Andy bonding over the booze bottle as they wait for their circumstances to change while trapped in the freezer at Merlotte's.

Jason and his ammo from Light of Day arrive at Merlotte's. He encounters total sex mayhem taking place all over the bar. (The old guy with the young chippie on the pool table? I won't sleep tonight.) Everybody basically ignores his weaponry until Jason has a moment of inspiration and grabs Arlene as a hostage, threatening to kill her unless they get the hell out.

The weird-eyed masses just laugh, but we see Terry's eyes clear just a bit when he realizes it's Arlene in jeopardy. (Hmmm. Does Mary Ann's power diminish when true love is involved? Just asking.) Terry, who is the self-appointed sergeant in this unit, orders everyone to leave, and they do.

Scene with Sookie barrelling down a highway, while Bill is puking Mary Ann's bad blood out the window. He takes a break long enough to offer some insight: "Tara's been under the influence of Mary Ann. Maybe she can help."

Back at Merlotte's, Jason gets Andy and Sam out of the freezer, just as Terry and his crew come back in for round two. They want Sam. Surprisingly, Sam gives himself up just to save Jason and Andy.

Back over to Lafayette's pad, where Tara is chanting in a foreign language and he and Tara's mom are having no success. Laff: "This is the worst intervention in history."

Just then, a little V-addict knocks on Laff's door looking for a score. Bill and Sookie have just arrived, and when Bill hears this exchange he zips up to the house to kick some pusher ass. Laff to Bill: "Hold up. Eric has me selling this." Another layer to the Bill and Eric onion.

Sookie goes inside with Tara, and tries to read her. It's all dark, she can't see anything. Bill: "Go further than ever." Sook: "There's an abyss I can't cross." Bill: "I will glamour her."

Back to Merlotte's, the angry mob is tying Sam to a truck. Then suddenly bright lights fill the sky (they're just flares from Jason's Light of Day stock) and there's Jason trying to act like the god that all these blood-eyed people are waiting for. They are in awe.

Sam, realizing the gig, begs Jason/God to smite him. It takes dim Jason a bit to figure out what Sam is saying, then he does as requested and performs smite-like actions. Sam uses the ruse to transition into a fly and buzz away. Jason, not sure what's going on, then tells the blood-eyed disciples, "You're all blessed. Now go." They do.

Back at Laff's, Bill's glamour has worked, and Sookie is in Tara's head. She sees all the Mary Ann shenanigans, including the lusty rituals and the heart entree. Something snaps and Tara is back with us.

Tara bonds with Mom and Laff, she's been such a bad girl, please forgive. But wait, "I gotta go get Eggs!" Laff stops her. Girl, we got bigger fish to fry.

Sookie pulls Bill to the side. "It's Mary Ann!" With her eating hearts, and wanting souls, and this chant thing that goes blah, blah, blah. Bill recognizes the chant, something he read about Bacchus during his long life of boredom that comes with being a vampire where there are years with nothing to do. Bill didn't really believe all that mess until now.

Bill tells Sookie that he's headed off to meet with someone that might be able to help. In the mean time, Sookie should try to keep her friends safe, and "stay away from your home." Then he's off.

Cut over to Bill's house, where Jessica and Hoyt are still dealing with his mom being a vulgar and rude guest. Mom keeps spewing filth until Jessica has had enough. The fangs come out, and she feeds on Mom. Uh oh.

Final scene, Bill has arrived at some lavish estate. High-tech security is everywhere. They seem to be expecting him, and he is promptly ushered in. He enters some type of greeting chamber thing, and all we see is him spying someone's foot with blood dripping from it.

And cut.

What the hell?

#60 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 20

We start off a repeat shot of Jordan responding to Lydia's drunken slurs: "I think everybody here knows I'm not a ho." Thanks for clearing that up, BB producers.

The HOH competition is still going on, with peeps trying to get aluminum cans in the plastic tubes. They stretch this out WAY too long. All you need to know is that both Kevin and Russell use the option to throw a disadvantage to other players, the rest of the competitors remain sportsmanlike, and Jeff wins.

Russell in the Diary Room: "I'm the strongest competitor." Dude, you just lost again. How can you qualify that statement?

Kevin in the Diary Room: "I need to convince Jeff that I'm not a threat." Dude-ette, you lied to Jeff and almost got Russell back-doored. Whether Russell deserves it or not, you lied. How are you not a threat?

Kevin and Natalie, chatting about how to save their asses from the block this week. Hey, let's make a final-four deal with Jeff and Jordan! Natalie: "We're loyal and don't talk behind people's backs." What? How can you justify that?

Okay, I'm officially starting a campaign to change the Big Brother catchphrase. "Expect the Unexpected" is old and tired. How about "Expect Delusional People Who Are In Denial." Sound good? Please sign the petition and forward it to your closest friends.

Jordan in the Diary Room: "Mom always said men think with their penises. I one hundred percent agree!" She is so cute. Even when she can't tell time or sits around wondering how spiders do it.

Russell goes to talk to Jeff in the HOH Room, while Jordan and Michelle are also in the room, sprawled around in various states of boredom. Russell to Jeff: "Any problems with me?" Jeff: Oh, just that big rumor that you are out to get me, that's all. Russell tries to explain that he is not after Jeff and has never said anything like that.

Russell tries to get Michelle to cover his back, but she's kind of useless, doing a little bit more damage than good. (Girl does NOT have a poker face.) Luckily, Jeff does not have just a tremendous amount of brain cells, so he seems okay with Russell for now.

A bit later, it's just Jeff and Jordan in the HOH Room, and she's not buying what Russell has to sell. Jeff: Do you wanna call him out? Jordan thinks that's a splendid idea, and they race out to the courtyard.

The scene in the courtyard with those two and Russell is actually fairly calm, especially since hot-head Russell is involved. He, of course, has to waffle a bit and choose his words carefully. This whole plot line is twisted because, even though Russell and Michelle DID discuss taking Jeff out, Jeff and Jordan only know this because of Kevin's lie about actually hearing them say that.

Then we discover that Jeff has been tending a "vegetable patch" in the courtyard, and he does this while shirtless and dripping wet and waving a garden hose around. We see reaction shots of Jordan watching him, salivating with lust and having to adjust her bikini. We also have Kevin in the Diary Room, where he fans himself while talking about Jeff "watering it with his hose" and fantasies of Jeff "mowing his lawn".

We have a poker game with Jeff, Natalie and Russell. During such, Natalie makes an offhand comment about Russell's skills (like you would hear in any game where you have to bluff, that's the art of it) but Russell goes ballistic. That boy has GOT to get it under control or he will never win.

Michelle goes up to Jeff in the HOH Room, just wants to know if "the plan" is still in effect and that she and Russell are safe. Jeff tells her everything is fine. Then a quick shot of him in the Diary Room, telling us he said that just to make them happy.

Side bit with Michelle in the Diary Room, explaining that the other houseguests "have no idea what I do" as a neuro-scientist. Scene with her and Jeff in the courtyard. Jeff: "You gotta come up with something new? Like invent something? Wow. I was impressed when I made a Lego castle. With directions."

Kevin and Natalie approach Jeff, offering up a "final four" plan and claiming they are loyal. (To themselves, maybe. To any other house guest? Don't count on it. And besides, they're still lying about what they've done in the house.) Jeff offers a plan: Put them up as pawns and then backdoor Russell. The two of them squirm while the camera lingers on their panicked faces. Whoops.

Jeff repeats this plan to Jordan, but also says maybe he should just put up Russell and Michelle to get Kevin and Natalie on his side. So who knows what's going to happen at this point.

Russell in the Diary Room, just before the nominations: "I would put up Michelle and myself. Smart move." See, he's not stupid. He just short-circuits any time an emotion of any kind is involved.

Time for the actual Nomination Ceremony. Interestingly enough, Russell's key is the first out of the box, a place normally reserved for you best ally. Jordan's key is last out, and she politely grins during the whole process, but you know she's ready to kick Jeff's butt for thinking that was funny.

Turns out that Jeff has nominated Natalie and Kevin. Jeff tries to keep the mood light, telling Natalie that "you're used to it" by now and should be fine. To Kevin, he explains that "you need the full BB experience" and that includes a nomination.

Right after in the Diary Room, Jeff tells us that he did the Russell key thing to make him feel safe. Then adds that Russell just might have to pay the reaper this week.

We'll find out on Tuesday.

Editor's Note: We're down to six people. As always happens with the episodes when we get to this point, the shows start to get a little boring. There's just not enough stupid people doing stupid things anymore, and they have to fill the hour with inane fluff pieces and boring shots of people getting a tan.

But I will try to keep the funny up in the grill. Word.

#59 - Dallas - Season 11, Episode 17

Casey Denault runs into JR and the secretaries yucking it up in a bar. Despite Casey having tried to swindle JR just a few hours ago, JR suprisingly suggests that he and Casey should work together again. "Forgive and forget is my motto." Yeah, right. JR's cooking something up.

Then we have Sue Ellen and Nicholas, basking in the afterglow of doing the dirty. But that doesn't last long, as Nick is not happy about being used as a tool in Sue Ellen's revenge on JR. Sue Ellen does confess a little to the revenge angle, but Nick means more to her than just that. Uh huh.

Bobby gets a surprise visit from Dave Culver, who's back in town for a bit, and thinks he has a way that Bobby and JR can get the Ewing Oil Company name back into the family. What's up with that? And why would Dave be interested in helping with that?

Sue Ellen also has a surprise visit from Oswald Valentine, the creepy guy that Sue Ellen bought the lingerie company from before turning it into a powerhouse and then firing Oswald. But he's back, no hard feelings, and wants to work together again. She declines, obviously. He over-reacts in an agitated way that, I'm assuming, means he's going to stir up trouble for her in the next few episodes. Sue Ellen blithely heads off to wardrobe for her next scene.

Quick scene with Kimberly Cryder and her ailing daddy, where they review details of Kimmy's plot to steal JR from Sue Ellen and take over the world.

April and Nicholas jog together again, sweating attractively, then head back to her apartment. They banter a bit, slightly naughty but not really anything, but then April ruins the moment by bringing up Petey again, the guy that knows Nick as Joey Lombardi. They glare at each other until the prop man makes the phone ring.

April snatches it up and turns away from Nick to take the call, which is supposed to mean that it's a private call, but the move is really pointless since Nick is standing right there. Seems the detective in New York does NOT want to look for Joey, at all, nada. It's dangerous. Then sinister music ends the scene so we can understand trouble is a brewin.

JR stops by Lisa's apartment, he wants her to move somewhere else since Bobby knows where she lives. Then Cliff knocks on the door, and JR hides while Lisa deals with that. Cliff rants about JR being an animal, manages to bring up the fact that Sue Ellen used to be his girlfriend back in the day, and then insists that Lisa go to lunch with him. And she does.

All of this, of course, irritates JR and he spits out that "I'll show him what kind of animal I can be." This time we have dramatic music to help us follow the plot points.

Then we have Clayton once again visiting Laurel in her little studio where she putters around with plants. She's full of questions this time. How does your wife feel about you coming here? Why are you coming here so much? You haven't even made a pass at me.

Honey, don't be so talkative. You're supposed to just stand there and be mysterious so WE can all wonder what Clayton is up to. Don't make it all about you.

Then Oswald invades JR's office, dragging in a troupe of lingerie-clad models who immediately begin strutting around the room and posing seductively with the coffee maker. Apparently he just assumes that JR will help him launch a new line. JR kicks him out. (And Sly glares at Oswald the whole time, because if ANYBODY is going to gyrate in a thong for JR, it's going to be HER, damn it.)

Bobby confronts Cliff in his office, demanding to know why Cliff is having anything to do with Lisa. Cliff explains that it's not what he thinks, that they are just friends, and he actually kind of feels sorry for her. Wouldn't YOU do anything to get back someone you loved?

These people are just suckers.

Over at Ray and Jenna's House of Twisted Relationships, Jenna overhears Charly plotting to sneak out of the house and have her little friend lie and cover for her. Jenna confronts her, Charly is a rude little snot claiming to hate everyone, and Jenna hauls off and slaps her. Good. Girl, you were a cute character until you got hormones, over you now.

Kimberly Cryder confronts JR: "I'm not going to wait forever. I LEFT my husband." JR: "Just say it." What do you want? Kim: "You want Westar? Get rid of Sue Ellen." Amazingly, JR snaps, grabs Kimberly, throws her half over the bar, and then even pulls her hair, threatening her left and right. Wow. Guess Kimberly needs a Plan B.

Then we're at Southfork, where folks are about to initiate a suprise party for Miss Ellie and Clay's third-year anniversary. (Sue Ellen looks very startling in an outfit that can only be described as "hooker cocktail waitress".) Ray, Jenna and Bobby have a few awkward moments, and then we discover that Clay didn't even remember it was their anniversary. Not a very successful shinding.

But it suddenly gets a whole lot better.

JR pulls Bobby outside, and I don't know if it was the booze or the sight of seeing Sue Ellen in that outfit, but JR goes too far in telling Bobby that he "thinks he can stop Lisa if you would just buy Westar stock." Whoops.

That's an odd thing to say, and suddenly things start clicking for Bobby. "Are you telling me that she works for YOU!"

Bobby charges JR, plunges into the pool with him, and we end the episode with Bobby violently trying to drown JR, water splashing everywhere.

Yay! Somebody has FINALLY been throw in the pool again. It's been far too long.

#58 - Hung - Season 1, Episode 7

We start off with Ray taking Jemma to his crappy little tent to show here where he lives. Perfect way to impress the ladies, yes?

Cut to Tanya, drunk in a bar and looking miserable, upset about icky Floyd and life in general. Another guy at the bar notices her Proust tattoo, makes a comment, which leads to a conversation, and then they guy walks over plants a smooch on Tanya. "I'm Pierce." Wow.

Back to Ray and Jemma in the tent, they're smacking and rolling around and such, so I guess the accommodations were satisfactory to Jemma after all. It verges on the romantic, and Ray is all pleased that their actions tonight "felt real".

And he wakes in the morning to find Jemma gone and a pile of cash on the pillow.Yeah, that's about as real as it gets, Ray.

Ray goes to Tanya's place (Pierce is there, and it's clear he spent the night, woo hoo!) and tells Tanya he doesn't think Jemma should be a client anymore. Tanya begs to differ. General heated argument about clients and how you should treat them, with no real resolution. Ray decides he's going to find his own damn clients.

Tanya discovers some really weird photos (is he part of the Taliban? what are these things?) while accidentally snooping among his things. He explains them as some sort of artsy writing project, and then asks how HER writing has been going. She's been blocked for two years. "I think it's my mother."

So, naturally, Pierce convinces Tanya to visit her mother's house and try to remove this blockage, and off they go. Mom's apparently not there when they arrive, so they "play" in Tanya's room, looking at her childhood things and developing a relationship that will probably be destroyed in the next few episodes. Because it's Tanya, she can't win.

Speaking of not winning, Mom arrives home and marches into Tanya's bedroom. (It's Rhea Perlman, looking severe) With just a few lines, it's immediately clear that Tanya and Mom have at least 347 unresolved issues between them. Great.

Ray is at the Farmer's Market, in his mission to find new clients. (I don't really know the protocols when it comes to whoring, but I'm really not certain this is the best place to find potential buyers.) But then he runs into Jessica. (Okay, maybe this IS a whoring venue, as she left Ray for another man with more money.)

They're actually very civil to each other, with Ray fessing up "I think I met someone" and Jessica prompting him to "come by the house". Then they wander off, each of them carrying secrets while they fondle produce.

Pierce and Tanya are at a restaurant, with him explaining to Tanya that she was a prolific writer while under his mother's roof, that she needs to write a poem about her, then crash one of her snooty parties and read it.

While Tanya ponders how many different ways such an action could go wrong, she overhears Floyd at another table giving some woman the same "you need to flower" speech that he used on Tanya. So she marches over to his table and tears him a new one. Good girl.

Ray and Jemma on the phone, with Ray explaining how he's bothered by the money thing, it's kinda weird, wouldn't she rather just go on a real date? Jemma hesitates, what would we do on this date? Ray suggests a boat ride. Awww. He's clearly falling in love, so now we just have to wait for the inevitable fallout of that.

Quick scene with Ray leaving a voice mail for Tanya, that it's a lot harder scrounging up new clients than he thought it would be. My bad, so sorry.

Ray is about to enter his crispy shack when the wife of the jerk next door gets his attention. Noting the fact that he has no working plumbing, she asks him if he'd like to take a how shower. (Remember, she's been percolating over him ever since she received the "sexy" Lyric Cookie.)

So he moseys on over, and of course she manages to catch him coming out of the shower. She likes what she sees, so they quickly come to an agreement. If he takes care of her, she'll take care of him. Deal? Then we discover that the neighbor wife "really likes to be seen", and boy does she ever. Just about every inch of her is proffered up for the cameras as they ride the train.

Tanya and Pierce show up at one of her mom's "intellectual teas" or whatever they are, with Tanya clutching a poem that she hopes to spring on Mom at some point. When Mom makes a disparaging remark wondering if Tanya brought any of those lyric thingies that she apparently doesn't care for, Tanya informs her "I did bring some words for you to choke on."

So Tanya reads the poem. It's all angsty and bitter, and Mom is to blame. Sort of. It's actually not all that clear. It's one of those obtuse pieces that could be about anything from psychological torture to chewing gum.

When she's done, the little arty friends clap in approval. Are we going to have a little validation for Tanya? Of course not. Some girl from Uganda snatches the stage away by saying how the poem reminds her of a song from her mystical past, and then proceeds to sing the song.

Tanya races from the house, with Pierce scrambling to catch up. He tries to console her, it doesn't matter, the big thing is that you started writing again. Well, not really. Seems the poem Tanya read was something she scribbled when she was 14. This poor girl is just a quivering ball of neuroses.

Back to Ray and the neighbor wife, train ride over, where Ray is surprised to learn that the wife's interpretation of "helping" Ray in exchange for sex is that she will try to get her husband to back off and quit pestering him. No money. At all. So Ray still hasn't found a new client.

Switch back over to Tanya, alone. She picks up a pen, and the words finally being to flow.

Final scene with Ray, waiting on Jemma for their first "official" date, the boat ride.

She doesn't show.

In case we missed the theme of this episode, the producers thoughtfully have someone sing a song apparently called "It Takes a Lot of Suffering to Be Happy" while the credits roll. Got it.

#57 - Hung - Season 1, Episode 6

Ray meets Jemma outside of an office building for another "session". He asks what they're doing this time. She responds "Don't ask me that." Okay, fine. They go inside.

Turns out they're visting Jemma's therapist, and Ray's name is now "Jim". She goes over-the-top with some weird psycho-babble, and none of us (including the therapist, I assume) knows what's going on. Then they leave.

Back outside, Ray tries to find out what that was all about. Jemma tells him it doesn't matter. And I'm thinking, Ray, you better run like the wind. But she pays him.

Ray goes to see Tanya, and she is livid that he arranged a session with the client, and the client had the nerve to pay him directly. "She broke protocol!" Ray promises to talk to Jemma about the rules. I'm thinking he has no intention of doing so.

Scene with Jessica and Ronnie. Jess: "I wanna talk about money." Ron: "We lost 40%". Jess: "Forty percent of WHAT?", that's the issue. She has no idea where they stand. When she keeps pressing, he gets snippy, and tells her she COULD get a job. She turns away and brushes her hair in extreme irritation.

Tanya goes to Jemma's workplace, where it appears that she is the Chief Executive Officer of Domination, judging by the way all of her little minions leap into action at the tiniest look from her. Tanya tries to explain what the process should be with this "stud for hire" deal.

Jemma, of course, is not impressed with anyone telling her what to do, especially sad little people with bad perms. So she's rude. "What if I just ignore you?" The discussion escalates, and in an out-of-character move on Tanya's part, being bold for once, she "fires" Jemma.

Um, not really sure that you can fire a client, but still impressed with Tanya standing her ground. Then they both stomp off in different directions.

The kids are over at Ray's crispy shack, with Ray trying to get Damon to pick out a car, but he's pushing Damon toward cheap crappy cars that he's probablhy not the least bit interested in. Tanya pops in, and Ray gets a little bent out of shape, what with the kids there and all.

Ray, it's not like she walked in with a sign saying "Daddy has sex for money! Yay!" Chill.

They go off to the side, and during the uncomfortable discussion, Tanya tells Ray that she fired Jemma. Oh boy. It's agreed that Ray will talk to Jemma and make her do the right thing.

Then we have Jessica and her troll of a mother snooping in Ronnie's home office. Jessie's not so keen on this operation, but Mom is insistent. They eventually find out that Ronnie was telling the truth, and there's been an $800K stock loss. Well then.

Jemma arranges another meeting with Ray, and of course she doesn't go through Tanya. (Jemma: "She's crazy!" Uh, kettle black?) They have an odd conversation where it's clear that Jemma is really digging for personal details on Ray, even offering to pay him for info. (Ray: "You think I'm a whore?" That would be yes, Ray.)

He tries to hold back but eventually spills quite a bit, including the fact that he's a high school coach. Instinct tells me this will not turn out to be a good thing in the end.

Short scene of Tanya curled up in bed watching an old movie, "Nanook of the North." There's probably some symbolism here, but it flew right over my head.

Then we end the episode with several scenes centered around Ray coaching at this latest basketball game. First, it's just Ray doing his thing, with Jessica and the kids watching from the bleachers. Even though Jessica typically never comes to his games, so we know she's there for some big revelation.

Then Tanya wanders in, and runs into Damon in a hallway, and they are soon joined by Jessica and Darby traipsing back from the concession stand. Damon introduces Tanya as "dad's friend", and Jessica is quite intrigued. So they decide to all sit together in the bleachers.

Ray, scanning said bleachers, is thrilled to see that he is being watched by his ex-wife, his kids, "and my pimp". Up in those bleachers, Jessica is pumping Tanya for information, but because she doesn't understand the real Tanya/Ray relationship, Jessica doesn't get much juice.

Then Jemma waltzes through the doors.

Ray: "I wanted to win while she watched." (These people are in serious need of validation, all of them.)

So Ray marches over to his team, and gives a really rousing speech. (Something he should have been doing all along. Just saying.) So of course the team is all inspired, and they race out and win the game by one point. Naturally.

Then Ray walks over and gets into a lip-lock with Jemma, for all to see. Lots of stunned faces.

Especially Tanya. She MAD. She corners him a bit later. "You told her who you ARE. We could go to jail!" Ray's not worried. He thinks he's got it under control. Tanya sighs and goes off somehwere to mope.

A bit later, Ray and Jemma are standing in front of the trophy case at the high school, said case being full of awards and worship for Ray. They get all romantic, sort of. Ray: "You wanna go steady? Maybe I won't charge you any more." Jemma: "Then it wouldn't be as much fun."

Kiss and fade out.

Don't have a good feeling about this.

#56 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 19

We start with the BB announcer letting us know that tonight we will have a "live" POV Competition, a "live" Eviction, and a "live" HOH Competition. Wow. The tech crew is going to be really busy for the next little bit.

I'm pretty sure producer Allison Grodner is none too happy about the Chima shenanigans that led to cramming all this into one hour. I don't think Chima will be getting a Christmas card this year.

Natalie in the Diary Room: "I have no true friends in this house." Really? Think that might have something to do with you putting all your hormonal eggs in the Jessie basket?

Then we see Jordan meeting with Natalie in the pantry. Jordan tells Nat "You're the pawn. I want Lydia out." Why did you do that, Jordan? With the wackiness this week, just keep your mouth shut until after the POV comp. Things can backfire. And do you seriously think that Natalie is not going to run tell the others what you just said?

Natalie runs to tell the others what Jordan just said. Well, she actually only tells Kevin, but you get the picture. Kevin and Natalie then try to cheer Lydia up, saying she just has to win the POV. Lydia gets back in touch with reality for a brief second and says: "In case you haven't noticed, I haven't won sh** in this house." Oh, I noticed, girl. Which makes your stupid actions in the house even more baffling.

Russell tells Michelle: "If you ever go up, I'll take you off." We're just alike, you and me, playing to win. Let's see, that means that Russell has now officially promised to "have the back" of more houseguests than actually started the game, never mind the remaining 7. Dude, it's gonna bite you, just sayin.

Russell in the Diary Room: "Jordan should have taken out Michelle or me." And there's the cockiness again. And the shifting alliances. He still has a chance, but he's juggling a lot of promises right now, and gravity might kick his ass.

Then we have Natalie, Kevin and Lydia in a night-vision scene, where Natalie asks Lydia how many times she hooked up with Jessie. Turns out there was at least one situation where Lydia "serviced" Jessie under the covers in the HOH Room. We even get to see a shot of Lydia, post-service, tumbling out of the bed and racing off.

Put THAT picture in your scrapbook, Lydia. Proud of yourself?

We're almost to the point of a cat fight between Natalie and Lydia, and Kevin sends them out of the room because he's over it and needs some sleep. Amazingly, after traipsing to another room, Lydia and Natalie bond, and decide that Jessie was playing them both and they hate him. Really? So I guess the drunken eulogy with the two of you and Chima drinking the Jessie Wine wasn't worth the runny mascara after all? Just sayin.

A few scenes later, Kevin, Natalie and Lydia come up with a plan to say that Michelle and Russell have a "final two" endgame plan, and that their next target is Jeff. Natalie dubs this plan the "Bosley and the Two Angels" operation. Natalie is clearly missing a few chromosomes.

So Kevin starts the tactical move, telling Jeff, while they are alone in the courtyard, that Michelle and Russell are gunning for him. Jeff buys it. (Poor Jeff, really nice and decent guy, but he'll never get an invitation from Mensa.) He runs to tell Jordan, and wants to backdoor Russell this week. Jordan is not so sure this is the best plan. (Good girl.)

Side note, on a subject that I have whined about before: Why are these houseguests so FILTHY? There's crap all over the floor, with jockstraps and panties hanging from the light fixtures. Pick UP after yourself. We know you have the time. Geez.

Natalie gets the phone call from home that she won during the last HOH competition. Her dad seems decent, Natalie cries even though she said she wouldn't, and we learn that Daddy has raised Natalie on his own. Good for him. Still don't like her, sorry. She just doesn't have the maturity to understand that you have to earn what you want.

So we get to the POV competition, one of those "before or after" things about events in the house. Jordan eventually wins. Yay!

Julie tells the folks that they have a few minutes to strategize before the actual POV ceremony. We see shots of Jordan and Jeff talking to Kevin in the pantry. WHY? Are they actually buying his crap about the Russell/Michelle lie? Boo!

So I'm actually expecting a backdoor at the POV ceremony. But Jordan lets the nominations stand. Whew!

Time for the actual Eviction. Now, because we normally only see a small smidge of what's happening in the house, the votes are actually locked in way before the ceremony, and the "save me" speeches from the nominees are usually pointless. But this was a crazy week. Meaning this little speech might save your ass.

Natalie takes advantage of this, and actually makes some valid points. "I have nothing." She's all alone, and is ready to stay in the game by doing what she needs to do. Lydia, of course, makes the weak, standard plea that you should "vote for who will further you in this game". Lydia's not even trying.

And she gets the boot. (Kevin is the only one who votes to keep her.)

I really expected Lydia to twist off as she left the house, but instead she hugs only Kevin and then races out the door. In the exit interview with Julie, she's fairly calm. The only exciting part is when she tells Julie they better have cameras in the Jury House when she deals with Jessie.

Then it's time for the HOH Competition, and Julie tells everyone that this event is in keeping with BB's theme this season of "recycling". Say what? Did we know that was the theme? I didn't catch that. The only time I saw anything being reused was when Natalie and Lydia fished Chima's microphone out of the hot tub.

Anyway, the competition involves the houseguests trying to drop aluminum cans into plastic tubes. The winner is whoever gets 24 in the tubes first, or the best total after an hour. And then we cut away. We'll find out the result on Sunday.

And then the entire production crew collapses in an exhausted sweat, after jumping through hoops all week because of the Chima meltdown. Did I mention that Chima has been banned from appearing on any CBS-owned network, including MTV and VH1? Cracks me up.

Am I being too hard on Chima? No. She didn't have anything happen to her that hasn't happened a hundred times on this show. (And far worse things have happened. How long do you think Chima would have survived on Evel Dick's season? Seriously.)

Bottom line, don't come up in this house if you aren't willing to fight for the money. To stick it out, suck it up, and do what you have to do. THAT is a winner.

Word.

#55 - Hung - Season 1, Episode 5

Ray's zipping along in his car, arguing with some Team Mom on his phone, when he spies a woman trying to change a flat tire in the rain. They chat a bit, and Ray ends up asking her if she'd like to grab some lunch.

Next thing you know, they're having some very energetic sex in what appears to be a hallway, knocking over furniture and howling like banshees.

Wow. That was pretty quick. What the hell?

Then we learn that the woman, Jemma, is a client. Tanya calls Ray with an assessment: "She wanted more of a female fantasy." But she's agreed to a do-over.

So here we are again, on the same stretch of road with the same fake flat tire. This time, Ray moves more slowly, pretends to be a book publisher, and Jemma appears to be enjoying herself. But when she role-plays that she needs to go meet her boyfriend, and Ray doesn't try to stop her, she gets mad for real and storms off.

Ray meets with Tanya, and she tries to explain what this client is looking for, and how he needs to adjust his actions and work on a "love at first sight" angle. When he scoffs at all this fuss, Tanya is not pleased with him: "YOU'RE not paying. And stop snorting with derision."

Jessica and Ronnie take the ugly twins to a super-cheap buffet, where Ronnie explains to the kiddos that's Dad's not made of money anymore, problems with some stock investments and all. Jessica tries to downplay it all as if someone just has a gas bubble and it will pass. Ronnie tells Damon that he will not be getting the car he promised to buy him.

Cut to the kids over at Ray's fixer-upper house, where they spill about Ronnie being broke. Ray, seeing an in, tells the kids that HE will buy the car. The little tykes' eyes light up, but they are still amazingly ugly.

Which means Ray needs to get busy and figure out this Jemma thing, since she's their only active client at the moment.

Tanya is attending the final class of her motivational training seminar, wherein Floyd tries to get the class members to take "Part II" of the training. No one is interested since, you know, Floyd's kind of a loser. Tanya (stupidly) feels sorry for him and blurts out "I'm in!"

Later, when they are alone, Floyd tries pushing her to write a check for the next series of classes. She fesses up that she really doesn't want to take them, not right now anyway, she only did that to help him out. He rambles some craziness, and we realize he's not just irritating and weird, we're gonna have to throw borderline-psychotic into the mix.

Ray goes on a third run with Jemma, and this time she's not even pretending to change the tire, just standing there. They wander into the restaurant, and Ray tries to follow the script Jemma has in her head. But he does something wrong again, and out the door she goes.

Suddenly, Ray thinks he understands what she wants and he runs after her. He babbles something about this being "destiny", and bingo, he's hit the magic button. They kiss.

Just as the high school principal marches past and spies Ray in the embrace.

Short scene with Jessica and Jessica's shrill little hag of a mother, and Mom is not thrilled with the financial situation: "He takes away money and you still have to give him sex?" Mom thinks Ronnie is lying.

Cut to Ray and Jemma rolling around on a convenient romantic beach that we've never seen before. She crawls on top of him and says she "might fall in love with you". Of course, Ray doesn't respond the right way.

Jemma sighs, hops up, walks a bit away, and calls somebody on her cell. Ray's phone rings. It's Tanya: "When somebody says I love you, you say I love you back." Click.

This is surreal.

Jemma comes back over, they try again, Ray mumbles that he loves her, but still doesn't get it quite right. She gets bitchy, he loses his cool ("I feel like a dancing monkey!"), big fight, and Jemma stomps away again. This is just not going to work. Ray assumes it's over.

Amazingly, we learn that Jemma paid the stud fee to Tanya anyway.

Then poor Tanya has to deal with crazy Floyd showing up at her house. He starts off by wanting the handouts back that he used in the training seminar. (What?) She asks if everything is okay, and he says it's time for "the talk". So he launches into this lunatic "break-up" speech, even though there hasn't been a speck of a relationship.

It gets really bad. He is so beyond delusional that even timid Tanya has had enough and starts trying to yell over his inane babbling: "I went out with you ONE time because I felt SORRY for you" and "You're a 100 years old!" He doesn't hear a word of it. As Tanya puts it, she's being stalked by a "creepy motivational speaker!".

Quick scene with Jessica and Ronnie in bed. He tries to get some lovin (really?), but she is having none of that: "I'm not in the mood. Maybe it's the economy."

Back to Tanya, who's a mess after finally getting Freaky Floyd out of her house. She calls her mother, who is a totally unsympathetic bitch and scolds Tanya for calling her so late if it's not an emergency. It's 8:30pm. Tanya hangs up on her.

And calls Ray, tears streaming, and gets his voice mail. "Ray, where ARE you?"

Well, he's over at Jemma's house, having a conversation on the porch. He's honest with her, he needs the money, this has to work out. He throws out "I think I can make you happy." Part of this is the shtick he thinks she wants to hear. At the same time, he kinda believes it.

This is gettin all kinds of messy.

#54 - Nurse Jackie - Season 1, Episode 11

We start off in Kevin's bar, with Gracie bandaging Mommy's finger that she had to smash to hide her secret family from her boyfriend. Awww.

Then Jackie and Gracie race off to dance class, where they once again run into Kevin's evil ex-girlfriend and her horrible child, Caitlin. The brat is really rude, and keeps purposely bumping into Gracie so she'll mess up. Jackie finally has enough and tells Caitlin to knock it off.

This leads to an escalating cat fight between Jackie and the ex-girlfriend that ends with Jackie screaming the F-word for all the little virgin ears to hear, and them she stomps out of the building, dragging along mortified Gracie. Well, Jacks, I'm sure that will help your relationship a LOT.

Meanwhile, Keven and Fiona have dashed off to the jewelry store, where Kevin is planning to not just FIX Jackie's ring, but to buy her a fancy new one. I'm sure Jackie won't feel any guilt over that at all.

At the hospital, the staff is being shown how to use the new automated drug inventory system. They didn't get the Pxyus after all, instead settling for the much cheaper Pill-O-Matic, or something like that. Bottom line, the tiniest medication item is now being monitored. Jackie practically wipes away silent tears.

She does run into Eddie in one of the hallways, and he gives her a potent stash as a going-away present, and ends with "love ya". Oh boy.

Then we have Coop grilling Zoey, trying to get the scoop on what Jackie likes, and whether or not she is seeing anyone. (Zoey: "She likes gum.") Great, so now Jackie apparently has two men sweet on her, on top of, you know, having the secret husband and all.

Jackie and Dr. O'Hara are outside while O'Hara smokes, and they spy Coop running into his little girlfriend. Coop tells the girl that he has to break up with her because "I kissed someone else." (Which is actually noble, but I still don't like him.) The conversation does not end well, and Prissy stomps away in her couture.

Coop turns, and waves at Jackie like a little boy. O'Hara immediately busts out with a belly laugh. Jackie: "I hate you."

Next thing you know, Coop brings in flowers and a pack of gum for Jackie. She is not interested, and does NOT want this to go any further.

In comes a new patient, a film critic, and the celebrity factor gets a few of the staff all giddy. Except for Jackie, who is not particularly fond of some of his reviews, and she tells him so. Looks like they are not going to be best friends. Zoey ends the scene by asking "Why are cats so underused in the film industry?"

The unwanted flowers and gum are on Jackie's desk, so she promptly takes them directly back to Coop. He is not going to give up easily, because he's reading a lot more into their relationship than she is. Coop: "You reached for something safe."

Zoey is working with the film critic patient, and they are having a conversation where it's becoming increasingly clear that he's just an ass. He is not a nice man, and Zoey's parting glare at him was worth a rewind.

Momo is working with another patient, and we learn two things. One is that Momo is terrified of spiders. And two, that some spiders can live in your ear and you can't get them out without help. Nice, eh?

While shopping in some posh boutique, Jackie and O'Hara are chatting about how Jacks is going to deal with the sudden influx of men in her life. I don't really hear everything they say, because O'Hara apparently doesn't bother with dressing rooms and is trying on tops right there in the middle of the store. Jackie and the mannequins are stunned.

Jackie gets back to the hospital, finds Coop's flowers once again on her desk, and she throws them in the trash.

Then there's some serious drama, when the film critic suddenly goes into arrest. O'Hara quickly discovers that Zoey has given the patient far too much of some medication. Jackie orders Zoey off the floor while she and O'Hara get to work.

Jackie is talking to a sobbing Zoey in the bathroom, trying to explain to her how serious this is, when Gloria, the hospital admin, storms in and yells for both of them to get to her office NOW. Before following the other two, Jackie pops some pills, probably the industrial-strength gift from Eddie.

Later, Zoey is sitting with Momo and Thor at some pizzeria, lamenting her possible fate. Zoey: "The only thing I wanna do besides help people, is NOT kill them." Momo and Thor try to cheer her up with horror stories from the own past, when suddenly Zoey looks at Thor and blurts out: "Oh My God! You're gay!...... I just got that." Then she shoves an enormous piece of pizza in her mouth.

Eddie finds Jackie in the hospital, wants to share something. They go to the Pill-O-Matic, and he shows her that if you simply unplug the machine, it will reset as if no medication has been taken from the inventory. Jackie's eye sparkle with wanton lust.

Now that he has her attention, Eddie tells Jackie that he still wants a relationship. That he wants more than what they have now. Jackie's eyes lose a little bit of the sparkle, but she keeps smiling.

As she prepares to leave, Jackie drags the flowers out of the trash and plucks off some of the roses. Arriving at Kevin's bar, she gives both Fiona and Gracie one of the roses. Fiona is thrilled, Gracie just glares at it like a dead bird just fell from the sky. Then Jackie walks over and kisses her husband.

Outside the bar window, we see Eddie, watching Jackie greet her family.

Oops.

#53 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 18

Hoo boy. Did we have some crazy up in the house tonight or what?

We already knew that "someone" was going to be pulled out of the house for breaking the rules. The announcer guy enticed us with that at the end of the last episode, and then he brought it up at the beginning of this one. But he also throws in "and a new HOH will be crowned" and I hit the brakes. WHAT? I knew right away we were in for a ride.

Michelle in the Diary Room on nominating Chima: "I actually like Chima." (Okay, you lose a few points for that admission. You're back on the iffy list.) ""But I wanna win."

Jordan in the Diary Room about Jessie's Girls: "They are whiners, they are rude, the list goes on and on." Gimme five, sister.

Scene with Chima talking to the other J-Girls (including Kevin), already whining that she wants to go home. (Because she's not getting her way, the little baby.) Kevin to Chima: "That's not fair to US." Which is a valid statement. You're a vote, girl. Walking out means you hurt the J-Girls, and more of them can go home. The problem with that argument is that Chima can't think of anyone but herself.

Chima to the J-Girls: "I'm not giving them the satisfaction of voting me out."

A bit later, Chima rips of her microphone, the deadly no-no in this game. We hear Big Brother tell her to please put it back on.

Okay, I know that in some respects I should just let the Chima thing go. But I can't help it. Because I like this show, but I want real players who respect the art of the game. Girl, WHY are you even on here? You should never have signed up for this if you can't take the heat of DESERVEDLY being nominated.

And while I'm fuming about that, we start seeing clips of all the OTHER times Chima has not done as told. Lot of shots of Chima refusing to wear her microphone, refusing to go to the Diary Room when requested, covering up the cameras with a blanket, on and on. Some of these clips go back to DAY 6.

Okay, Chima's bitchiness aside, the BB producers should have pulled her ass out of the house a LONG time ago. There are rules, people. You don't want to follow them, then you LEAVE the house. It's pretty simple to me. Once again, the producers have unfairly kept someone on the show just for ratings.

Back to current time, Chima joins the other J-Girls out in the courtyard to practice for an upcoming competition. Big Brother repeatedly asks Chima to put on her microphone. She cusses them and ignores them. Kevin runs to get her microphone and brings it to Natalie, Natalie brings it to Chima, and Chima throws it in the pool.

You have got to be kidding me.

Lydia in the Diary Room, totally stunned that Chima is pulling this crap.

Jeff in the Diary Room: "Her FRIENDS were telling her to stop it" and she wouldn't.

Natalie and Lydia fish the microphone out of the pool, but of course it's not working right by now. (And while they are fishing, Nat and Lyd are actually concocting a story that Chima "dropped" the microphone into the pool. Hello? There are 712 cameras on your ass AND your conversation. Can you seriously be that stupid?) Kevin runs to get a replacement. Chima does put that one on, but then starts cussing into the microphone and telling BB to "suck her ****". Real classy lady.

Then Big Brother is telling her to go to the Diary Room. She refuses.

BB Producer Allison Grodner gets on the intercom and tells Chima that she needs to go to the Diary Room right now.

Chima takes her time, but finally moseys to the Diary Room. Once inside, we hear what I assume is Allison tell her "No need to sit down. You're gonna go out this way", and Chima is shuffled off to the right.

Wow. Loved the slam at the end. We're done with you, bitch. Just keep moving.

Good. You wanna play that way, you don't deserve the money.

Kevin in the Diary Room: "The house is just on pause." We don't know what's going to happen.

Big Brother has the houseguests gather, and then Allison tells them that Chima clearly did not want to be in the house anymore, and that with the willful destruction of the microphone, she has been expelled.

Lydia: "Do we need to pack her things?"

Allison: "Yes. Those who were closest to her should do that, please."

Allison ends by saying that they will have an announcement about game play in the morning. Uh oh.

Kevin in the Diary Room, crying because he thought he should have done more. Girl. First, you did a lot more than you should have, Chima was out of control and needed to answer for her own actions. And second, why would you want to be associated with Chima in any way at this point?

Jordan sums it up precisely: "I lost respect for all of them for all of that." Amen, sister.

Then, amazingly, the three remaining J-Girls (Natalie, Lydia and Kevin) are packing up Chima's things, and Natalie has the astonishing nerve to blame MICHELLE for Chima having to leave the house. She rants on and on about this.

Then another shocker: Lydia, Queen of Delusion, briefly comes back to reality and refutes Natalie. She compares Chima to an alcoholic, that you can't change a person unless that person wants to change. This is a game, and Chima made a choice that cost her the game.

Wow. Am I getting a little bit of respect back for Lydia? We'll see.

But crazy Natalie continues to blame Michelle for everything.

Next morning, Michelle wanders out of the Diary Room with scripted words for the rest of the house. Her duties as HOH are over and her nominations are null. There will be a new HOH competition and Michelle cannot compete.

Okay, I am SO not right with that. Because CHIMA went off the deep end, Michelle has her rights as HOH taken away? No, sir. The BB producers are really on my nerves this season. Your own tapes show Chima being a problem all the way back to the first week. She should have been pulled before now. Chima should be the only one suffering for her actions, not Michelle.

And the shot of Natalie, grinning from ear to ear when she hears that Michelle can't compete in the new and unfair HOH? Can. Not. Stand. Her.

Amazingly, Michelle in the Diary Room: She's okay with it, the person she wanted out is out. But girl, you should have had the HOH luxuries for the full week, not a few days. You won fair and square. The right thing to do would be to let you put up another nominee and we go from there.

Kevin in the Diary Room: "This is a way to start fresh." No, honey. Your sister J-Girls are crazy and ate up with the dumbass. It's a downward spiral unless you get away from them.

Natalie in the Diary Room about the HOH Competition: "I have been running this house up until now and I really need to win." Yes, people. She said that. SHE has been running the house. Oh. My. GAWD.

So we get to the HOH competition, a putt-putt/golfing thing where you try to get the lowest score, the person with the highest score being eliminated each round.

Lydia is the first out. She promptly marches over and sucks down a mimosa. This can't be good. And she keeps sluggin them down.

Then Natalie drops. (Hallelujah.) Then Russell. (Not so good, but not so bad, he's still a wild card.) Then Kevin.

When Lydia realizes Kevin is out, the last hope for the J-Girls, she comes unwound and starts trashing Russell, Jordan, Jeff and Michelle. And we're not talking subtle little murmers to Natalie. She's yelling crap across the courtyard. (Uh, somebody wanna snatch those mimosas away from her?)

It's down to Jordan and Jeff. She's managed to hang on by some lucky putts, because she's really not that good. She does her final shot, and scores pretty high (meaning bad). Jeff then asks her if she really wants HOH. Yes, she does. She wants to hear from her family. So Jeff struts up to putt, and purposely knocks his ball out of bounds. Jordan wins HOH.

Russell in the Diary Room: "He's a standup guy. I really respected that."

Agreed. I want Jeff to win. Seriously. He's not the sharpest, can't spell, but he's a good guy.

But what does drunken Lydia do? She calls Jordan a fat whore. Very classy. My brief thought earlier that Lydia might be redeeming herself is in the toilet. She is just worthless trash.

But it doesn't stop there. Lydia goes completely off the rails and tears into everybody. The alcohol doesn't excuse it. She's just wrong on so many levels.

And Lydia goes even further. After the competition, she proceeds to dump out Michelle's beers in the sink. And then throws Michelle's food into the trash. Screaming and running around and telling everybody to evict her. Seriously, my words cannot even begin to describe how completely nutzo Lydia goes in the next several scenes.

What is in the freakin water in the BB house? Geez.

Jeff confronts Lydia, trying to get her back on this planet. "What's wrong with you?" and "Why not make this fun?" and "STOP yelling".

Lydia doesn't stop, cussing him, and demanding that he go with her to the Diary Room and end this right now. Jeff refuses, and Lydia starts screaming about how he's not man enough.

Jeff: "I'm not man enough to talk to a drunk person in the Diary Room?" Exactly. Got your back, bro.

Lydia stumbles off to the Diary Room on her own, where she promptly bursts into tears. Girl, you are a BAD drunk. I don't ever want to party with you. EVER. I don't care if you have a magical unicorn.

Then Jeff goes a little bit too far in sort of yelling at Natalie and Kevin that they need to get Lydia under control and talk some sense into her. It seems a little harsh, but what I think he's trying to say is, dudes, if you want to align yourself with THAT mess, why should I ever trust you. I get it.

But of course Natalie doesn't get it. She's twelve. She fake smiles and says you can't control a person like that, which is exactly what Lydia said to Natalie about Chima even though Natalie didn't buy it, just two seconds ago, but Natalie doesn't make the connection. Gawd she's stupid. Brief shot of Kevin not saying anything, because he's got to realize that he needs to step away from Lydia and Natalie, and step away NOW. Will he do it?

Time for everyone to see Jordan's HOH Room, and of course Lydia refuses to go. Jordan reads a letter from her Momma, which leads to her tears. We don't get all the details, but apparently Jordan had to sleep in the same bedroom with her Momma for years, they really don't have any money. All Jordan wants is to be able to buy a bigger house for her family.

And you have to pause at that, people. Everybody WANTS something, but so many people NEED something, desperately. Turns my stomach even more over waste-cases like Chima and Jessie who want it to be all about them. Call me a softie, but you should make sure your family has what they need, then you worry about yourself. End of soapbox.

Jordan on deciding about her nominations: "I want to protect Jeff and Michelle." No mention of Russell. Interesting. May not mean anything, just sayin.

We get to the actual Nomination Ceremony, and Jordan puts up Lydia and Natalie.

Jordan to Lydia: "You said you wanted to go. I'm giving you that chance."

Jordan to Natalie: "You're a strong player." Natalie: "And I plan to win POV."

Then we have Jordan in the Diary Room: Her actual target is Natalie, because she's a strong player. Don't really agree with that assessment, but I'll go with it.

Now, I just scrolled up for a review before I post, and I realized that I haven't provided as many laffs this time as some of you expect. My bad. But I think you might agree, this was one of the most intense psycho-drama episodes we have seen on Big Brother in a long time. Yes, Evel Dick stirred up a lot back in his day, but he planned all that. This was just crazy people doing crazy things all on their own.

So we'll end where we started.

Hoo boy.