#80 - True Blood - Season 2, Episode 12

Okay folks, we've got a lot to cram in, what with this being the final episode of the season. Hopefully some things will get wrapped up, but I would imagine there will be some new things for us to scratch our heads over until next year...

So we start where we left off, upstairs in Sookie's Grandma's room, with Sookie ending her wailing scream at seeing that Lafayette is all blood-eyed. And he's all bossy, too. He yells that it's time to get the egg downstairs. (Clearly, such an announcement cannot be a good thing.) Laff and Tara fiddle with the crazy egg for a bit, grunting and jumping around and whatnot, then Tara races off with the prize.

Then Laff orders Sookie to take off all her clothes. (Excuse me?) Then he shoves a dress at her, one that looks suspiciously like wedding couture of some kind, and tells her to put it on. Then they all tramp downstairs.

To what I THINK is the living room, but it's been hard to tell what room is what in this house after all that weird plant crap starting growing everywhere after Mary Ann moved in. Speaking of, Mary Ann is standing in the middle of the room, wearing Sookie's Grandmother's wedding dress. (Who knew they were the same size? How convenient) Mary Ann tells Sookie that she is going to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding tonight.

Roll opening credits.

Back to the live action. Sookie is none to happy about Mary Ann prancing around in Grandma's clothes. She tries getting this point across, but there are too many ugly bridesmaids flitting about and chattering insanely. (One of them spots Sookie and expresses her love for Sookie because "you give me extra pickles." It's going to be one of those nights.)

Even Mary Ann, queen of noise and doom, grows tired of the maids and sends them out. Mary Ann then focuses on Sookie, and wants her to do more of the weird electrical thing. Sookie, always a gracious host, tries to accomodate, but nothing happens. Mary Ann is flummoxed by Sookie, doesn't know why she can't control her with the shimmy like she can control others. It's a real nice chat and all, but can we get back to this wedding thing?

Cut to Hoyt and Momma. He's basically got her trapped in the house. She's in a tizzy, wanting to escape, because "a Gawd is comin!". He explains quite calmly that we will be dining in this evening.

Back to Mary Ann and Sookie, where Mary Ann is still miffed that she can't channel Sookie. The only other person she can't channel is Sam. And by the way, Mary Ann plans to offer Sam up as a wedding present to her new "husband". Specifically, we're talking about Sam's heart, since such things are apparently food of the gods. Nice batch of gods you got there. Hey.

Mary Ann races off to find out just where the hell Sam is, why is this taking so long, and the scene ends with an incredibly ugly headdress thing being plunked on Sookie's head. The camera lingers on this atrocity, because it truly is hideous and we apparently need to study its ugliness for a few moments.

Cut to Eric and the Queen, playing Yahtzee once again, along with a few underlings/blood whores. The Queen is toying with Eric ("Did you know there's a maenad in the Parish?") and teasing him about his thing for Sookie. Then she gets serious, warning him "Don't taste her!" Hmmm. Sookie juice a bad thing?

We then learn that it's the Queen who's forcing Eric to sell vampire blood. Oh really? And she's none too pleased that he brought it up, throwing him to the ground and threatening him that "I could own your fangs as earrings." Then they go back to playing a cordial game of Yahtzee.

Jason and Andy arrive at Sookie's house, ready to do battle with the pagan bitches. Andy's a little reluctant, but Jason is determined. "That's my grandmother's house!" And he sheds a tear, which is unexpected and touching. Then they race into the pagan mob and within ten seconds both of them are blood-eyed. Guess that plan didn't work too well.

Quick scene with Bill and Sam. Bill: "Are you aware that Mary Ann is here for YOU?" Sam just looks at him like, dude, where have you been? Bill then tells Sam that he's taking him to Sookie's and he's not giving Sam a choice in the matter. Vampires sure can be pushy sometimes.

Back to Sookie and Mary Ann. Sookie: "What's with the egg?" Well, it's an ostrich egg (which totally clears up everything, right?) and everybody is supposed to lick the egg to show devotion or praise or sheer boredom, something. I'm really not trained when it comes to tongue action during sacrificial marriages involving poultry.

Blood-eyed Jason staggers into the house, now all ready to take a part in the pageantry. His appearance of course sets Sookie off even further, and she tells Mary Ann she's not having any part of this. Mary Ann just smiles, threatens to kill Jason if Sookie doesn't get on the stage pronto, and away we go.

So now we're out in the front yard, with half the town undulating in dirty wedding wear. Bill shows up in the middle of this, dragging Sam along. Yet another thing for Sookie to twist off about, why is Bill doing this, offering Sam in exchange for Sookie? But Mary Ann's all aglow, caressing her little prize like a beloved child. Sam to Mary Ann: "This isn't for you." Mary Ann ignores this little aside and quality checks the giant offering tree to make sure there's plenty of blood and gore.

Bill whispers to Sookie: "You have to trust me."

The ceremony begins. Sam is trussed up on this wooden bier thing and carried in so the dirty deed can be performed. Mary Ann does her shimmy thing, calling on whatever it is to come marry her, and shouting incantations. Apparently part of this process involves shoving a heart into the womb of the mother. (I'm thinking that's got to be an awkward and painful activity.)

So Sam's all prepped for the gory feature act, and here comes Eggs, shoving a fancy dagger thing deep into Sam's chest. Sookie, near hysteria, still manages to get a telepathic message from dying Sam. ("Destroy all of it!") So Sookie improvises quite nicely.

While Mary Ann fiddles around with the bloody dagger that's dripping Sam's blood, Sookie races about knocking things over, ripping the artfully-placed animal organs from the offering tree, and smashing that damn egg on the ground. Hurray!

Mary Ann is not amused with this turn of events. She decides she's going to sacrifice everyone for bad sportsmanship. She does some twitchy business, then shoves her hands into the ground, pulling them back out as claws. Pretty neat trick, if I do say so. Might try that later after a few beers.

Enraged Mary Ann then thunders after the fleeing Sookie. Just when it looks like we might need a new lead actress next season, a giant bull trottles into the scene. Mary Ann pauses. What's this? Her God has finally come! Rejoice! Then the bull rears up and gores Mary Ann good and proper. Mary Ann, confused: "I am the vessel?"

No, bitch. You ain't nothin' now. The bull changes into Sam, the horn that gored Mary Ann turning into Sam's arm as he pulls back, holding Mary Ann's evil black heart. Which he then crushes. She collapses. Guess Mary Ann finally made it off the island, eh?

Instantly, all the townspeople are released from their blood-eyed captivity. Now they slowly traipse about, memories wiped, probably trying to figure out why all their sexual equipment is raw and puffy, and where they managed to find these stupid clothes. And is this Sookie's house? So many questions, so many ugly people with bad teeth.

Turns out that Sam, during Sookie's impromptu destruction of the evil wedding accoutrements, fed on Bill enough to heal and regain his strength, then transitioned into the bull to kill the confused Mary Ann. Bill to Sookie: "There was no other way of destroying her."

Cut to Hoyt and his Momma. Mom's eyes have cleared, and Hoyt realizes she's basically back to her normal self. But instead of just being happy with that, he presses Momma on why she lied about Daddy committing suicide. Oh boy. In the ensuing conversation, it's clear that Momma selfishly lied about everything so that Hoyt would never leave her. Hoyt is not happy. "I wish Jessica had finished you off."

I'm guessing Momma won't be baking Hoyt any potato-chip casseroles in the near future.

Back at Sookie's house, she orders all the dumbass townsfolk to get off her property, then she goes inside to find Tara consoling Eggs. He's really distraught about what he may have done. Well, it's nice to have honest remorse, but seriously guy, there's a lot of wack that went on. Sort it out later. As Sookie says: "We'll be cleanin' tomorrow."

Next morning, scene at Merlotte's with the townsfolk trying to figure out what caused all the blackouts. Drugs? Space aliens? Democrats? Sam, mostly to amuse himself, tells everyone there was a tainted case of vodka. Most of the crowd looks disappointed that it wasn't alien democrats.

Andy gets fed up with the rumors, and he tries to tell the truth. Jason has to pull him back. "They don't remember anything. We're heroes, Mary Ann is gone, we did that, don't matter they know."

Quick scene with Sam and Sookie. He wants to go away for a few days. (Haven't you been saying that for a while now?) Sookie wishes that people knew how special Sam was. Then some girl wanders up with a gift for Sookie. It's a purple dress. (From Bill.) Hmmm.

Then Eggs walks up (there's a lot of traffic in this scene). He wants to know about the gaps. Why was there blood on my hands? He wants Sookie to read him. She's not keen on it, but gives in. When Eggs sees that he killed Miss Jeanette, Daphne and almost killed Sam, he can't take it and runs off. Then you shouldn't have asked, Eggs. Geez. You're kind of whiny for a big guy.

Quick scene with Bill and Jessica. He thinks Hoyt is good for Jessica, and she agrees, in fact she's going over right now to make an apology for, you know, making a snack of his mother. And Bill fesses that he's taking Sookie to a French restaurant. Very sweet. But seriously, is anybody really interested in eating right now?

Sam shows up at his "parent's" home, where he apparently hasn't been in quite some time. Mom: "Never thought we'd see you again." Sam: "You abandoned me." (Well, they did see you turn into a dog and run off, let's be fair.) Sam wants to meet his "real" parents. (Oh, so he's adopted. Now I'm thinking, TWO sets of parents abandoned you? Do you really wanna take this path?)

"Mom" leads Sam back to a room where "Dad" is cleary very ill. Dad gives Sam some information on how to find his parents. And we now have a plot point for season 3.

Cut to Jessica in the cab of a semi-trailer with a trucker. She bites him. What the hell? Girl, you were supposed to be headed to Hoyt's to kiss and make up. Did the flannel shirts and smell of diesel fuel distract you?

Hoyt shows up with flowers at Bill's door, obviously looking for Jessica. No answer. He leaves the flowers and walks away. I am NOT going to be happy if this relationship gets jacked with. Just want to get that on the record.

Cut to Bill and Sookie at a fancy French restaurant that Bill has rented out. It's romantic and they dance. (But am I the only one out there that's a little bored with the Bill and Sookie thing? Just wondering.)

Back to Merlotte's parking lot, where Eggs shows up with the evil dagger and begs Deputy Andy to arrest him. Sadly, Jason chooses that moment to wander out of the restaurant, sees Eggs waving a knife at Andy, pulls a gun, and shoots him. Dead. Andy grabs the gun and tells Jason to get the hell out of there.

Of course, the sound of gunfire has all the patrons of Merlotte's running outside to see what's up, including Tara. She sees Eggs' body and goes into full wail mode. Girl has just not had a happy life down here in the swamps.

Back to the fancy French restaurant. Bill surprises Sookie with tickets to Vermont. And then proposes marriage while proffering a ring box. (Vermont? Sly tribute to compassionate states that believe love should triumph over bigotry and hate? Hope so.) But it's a bit much and a bit fast for Sookie. She needs to visit the powder room to clear her head.

Once in the Necessary Room, Sookie realizes that she's being stupid and she IS in love. She puts on the ring and races back to the main room of the restaurant to share her joy with Bill.

To find that Bill is gone. And his chair is overturned. There's been a struggle, and Bill did not go willingingly.

Roll credits.

#79 - Survivor: Samao - Episode 2

We start with Russell in a sidebar: "Tribal council was fine. Marisa is gone because of me." Very true, you caused that. But we still hate you, so don't come running this way looking for validation.

But I'm not bitter.

Then we have a scene with Russell lying to Betsy about how he's telling everybody to save her despite the fact that she was a devil and tried to get Ashley voted out. He's not doing a damn thing to save Betsy.

Betsy in a sidebar, where she says she's not afraid of Russell. Well, good, then. But you need to realize that until you peeps all get together and figure it out, he's pretty much running the show and can slam dunk you at any second.

Flip over to the Galu tribe, where Jasmine is going off on this country living. She's whining and moaning about the living conditions, and then tells one of her perplexed tribemates: "See this? I have to walk like I have a stick up my butt."

And she keeps ranting. She's a loud girl, babbling about how all her friends were telling her that if she can survive in Dee-Troit City, she can sure as hell survive a little camping trip. Then she lets loose with a line that cracked me up: "The hood's not the woods." Sho nuff.

But that mouth of hers... not gonna work real well in the long run, no matter how funny.

Scene with Hillbilly Ben hunting, trapping a killing this gecko thing. Then shoving a stick through it and roasting it over a fire. Real manly of ya there, Ben. That gecko was what? Four inches? And you wrestled it to the ground all by your lonesome? Wow.

Hate him.

Russell H (the bad one) and Jaison have a discussion. Turns out that Russell thinks Jaison's a pretty cool, trustworthy dude. (It's not clear what Jasion is really thinking about all this, but he goes along with it.) So Russell sets up his 47th alliance of the season so far.

Then Russell announces that he's going to go look for the immunity idol. "These people are so ignorant," standing around not looking for it. Well, those people are actually trying to keep the camp running, something that you haven't contributed to at all.

So Russell moseys around a bit, then finds this odd tree right in the middle of all the action. He fiddles around at the base of it, finds an opening, looks up into the trunk, and slap-me-on-the-ass, he finds the freakin immunity idol. Right there. He shoves it in his drawers and scampers off.

Dear Gawd. Satan himself has a free pass in his underwear. Something tells me this might just be the theme of this whole season if these people don't boot Russell's ass out soon.

Russell dashes off to find Jaison and show him the immunity idol. Jasion can't help but be impressed because, hell, it's the immunity idol. And Russell showed it to him. Russell has captured another fly in his web, because Jaison then admits in a sidebar that "I think I can trust Russell." Poor guy.

We get tree mail, and it turns out that the next competition is going to be really physical.

Sidebar with Mike, the overweight 62-year-old guy. "I'm the oldest but not the weakest." He's going to prove his worth no matter what. Just as soon as he can get off the log he's been sitting on since they first swam ashore. And Mike spews a bunch of rhyming crap about how he's the greatest thing since sliced pepperoni. Not really caring for Mike right now. All talk, no movement.

So we get to the immunity/reward challenge (it's combined this time), and yes, it's going to be very physical. (And there's a twist to be revealed at the end of the competition.) Basically, people will have to fight each other in a pit, trying to get balls to other team members on an upper deck so they can try to throw the ball and score a basket. First tribe with 3 baskets wins.

Jeff says go and immediately the people in the pit are tearing at each other in something of a frenzy. It's kind of out of hand from the get go, some of the guys are really slamming each other.

The first round goes to Foa Foa.

The second round goes to Galu.

Right after this round, Jeff stops the action and says things are right on the line of getting ugly. If you don't settle down, I will pull you out of this competition. (It will come as no surprise that the worst offenders are Ben and Russell H, body-slamming women half their body weight and throwing them into the walls of the pen.)

Round 3 starts, and within seconds, Ben viciously kicks the legs out from under one of the players, and Jeff stops it all. Ben is out. The first time ever that Jeff has had to pull a player from a competition in the history of Survivor.

Foa Foa is now one man short, and Galu easily wins the third round.

Galu also wins the fourth round, meaning immunity and a reward of deluxe fishing gear.

Jeff asks Ben how he feels about being pulled out of the challenge, any regrets about how he played. And of course, Ben is a complete ass about it, refusing to believe he did anything wrong.

See, I'm thinking Ben should be pulled from the entire game and sent home for his actions. He was out of control. But I also thought Russell H should have been pulled for his actions in the last episode. How can the Survivor producers justify keeping these guys in the game? Had to say it.

Anyway, Jeff announces the twist: Russell S (the good one, and leader of the Galu tribe) has to pick one of his tribe members to go live with Foa Foa until the next Tribal Council. Russell S picks "home girl" Jasmine, the mouthy one. She struts over to the other tribe, after being given a "special clue" from Jeff that she can open later during private time.

Jeff also wants Medical to check Mike, who's clearly in some kind of haze after all the shenanigans in the pit. Medical rushes in (Why do all the Medical people always sound Australian on this show? Just wondering.) and they determine that Mike's blood pressure is extremely low and he's in danger of a heart attack. Medical pulls Mike out of the game.

Jeff announces that Tribal Council is still on, and Foa Foa will be sending another person home.

Cut to the Galu camp, where everyone is all excited, because Shambo snatched up the deluxe fishing gear and trotted off to catch come protein riches. While everyone dreams of a seafood feast, we see scenes of Shambo trying to fish in the ocean for about 20 seconds, then she spends the rest of the time floating in a pond and relaxing.

Shambo and her hair finally wander back to camp, with no fish, and the added announcement that "somehow" she lost the mouthpiece on the snorkel mask. She blows it off like it's nothing, but based on the reaction shots and commentary from the other tribe members, I'm guessing that if Galu had lost the Immunity Challenge, Shambo had better be packing her bags.

Back over at Foa Foa, visting Galu tribe member Jasmine decides to give a speech to the Foa Foa tribe. I really don't know what her point is, but she rambles on for while, babbling about not wanting this to be a cakewalk and taking candy from babies. I seriously don't know what she intended to do with that speech, but it clearly riled up Foa Foa. She also wants to talk to Ben privately.

Russell, in a sidebar, is his usual asswipe self and says Jasmine has got to go home. Dude, she's not even on your tribe, you can't vote her out yet. How deep are your delusions? I'm thinking some mental health association would love to have you as a case study.

Cut to Jasmine and Ben's private speech, where Jasmine wants to know why Ben thought it was okay for him to tackle her tiny ass in the Immunity competition when he's twice her size. It's a valid question. But Ben doesn't understand decency and sportsmanship, these are concepts beyond his comprehension.

Their discussion gets really heated and really loud, so it's no longer private and the entire Foa Foa tribe can hear the debate. Despite Jasmine's weird way of saying things, I agree with her. Ben was out of line. But Ben is NOT going to get it, it's a lost cause.

In a sidebar with Ben, he states "Jasmine is pretty close to being a hooker." Really? Based on what, Ben? How do you justify that? You can't. You're just pissed that a woman called you out for playing dirty. And since you can't defend yourself, you call her a whore. And people like you get to vote in a presidential election.

Sidebar with Ashley: Ben is a problem. He's rude in challenges, he gets kicked OUT of challenges. Sigh.

Sidebar with Russell H: He loves that Ben is causing problems, because the focus is on BEN, not him. It's only a matter of time, Russell. You dirty. It's gonna catch up to you eventually.

Cut to the Foa Foa camp at night.

Everyone is trying to sleep, but Ben is up, wandering around banging on things, cutting wood, doing dumbass crap that can wait until morning. No one can sleep.

Next morning, we see lots of scenes of unhappy Foa Foa people, clearly upset with Ben's actions. But what we don't see is any of them calling him on it. Why are you people not standing up to these two guys? I'm not impressed with sheep, just sayin.

Sidebar with Mick, the supposed leader of the Foa Foa tribe. He is insistent that Betsy needs to go home, they need to focus on the challenges. Dude, you are losing challenges and Ben is getting kicked out of those challenges. How is Ben helping you? At the end, Mick admits that Ben is an issue. Really?

Betsy, love her, tries to get votes to send Ben home, but the odds are against her. She talks to Ashley about it, who seems to be on her side, but then Ashley talks to Liv, who's sympathetic on the surface, but then trashes the Ben idea in a sidebar. (Note to self, not really caring for Liv at this point.)

Liv, stupidly, spills all to Russell. Russell then goes on a rant in a sidebar: "Betsy's going home. Betsy threatened me. Marisa threatened me. She went home. " Man, where are you coming up with this "threatening" business, dumb ass? These people did not threaten you. They disagreed with you. And you can't handle that, can you? You have some serious issues.

Time for Tribal Council.

Jeff asks Ben about the Jasmine dialogue that got heated. Ben's classy response? She's a "ghetto whore." And then Russell jumps in and trashes Jasmine as well. (Need I mention that Jasmine is sitting RIGHT THERE, not part of the eviction but able to take all this intel back to the Galu tribe.)

I'll say it right now. Both Ben and Russell H clearly hate women. There's no other explanation. And I don't think it's too much of a stretch to say that women hate Ben and Russell. And I am so hoping that it's a woman who ends the Survivor chances for both of these jerks. Fair justice.

Betsy does try going after Ben during tribal, but he's teflon at this point with Russell running the show and most of the tribe too lame to go against Russell's wishes. Betsy does point out that she's the only one who brought her bag to tribal, meaning the rest of the tribe knows Betsy is going home and didn't even bother packing.

And that, dear reader, is a black mark against the rest of the Foa Foa tribe. I don't care how crystal clear it might be about who is going home. You take your bag to tribal. It's a show of respect. Have some decency. Sadly, except for a small number of possibilities, this season so far is full of sheep or bastards.

Jeff tries again to get Ben to show some remorse for how he acted during the challenge, where he had to be removed for cheating. Ben: "You didn't tell me we had to play by your sissy rules."

I don't think I even have to mention that the clenched grimace on Jeff's face made it very clear that he will do what he can to make sure this hillbilly does not win the money. People, you don't piss Jeff off. He will let something slip during tribal that can cost you everything. Seriously.

So we finally get to the vote, and Betsy is the only one who doesn't vote for her to go home. Russell is in full control of this tribe. Turns my stomach.

Jeff ends tribal with: "It's clear that you are voting together, but are you WORKING together. Because something ain't right." Meaning Ben and Russell. Jeff don't play.

In Betsy's exit speech, she cautions that "If they don't figure out Ben, the whole tribe will go down." And honestly, the tribe deserves to do down, based on what we've seen so far. Anybody who's paying the slightest bit of attention should know that Russell is a dog. And Ben is somewhere below that.

Quit playing like sheep, Foa Foa. Do you want the money or not?

#78 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 30

We start off with even more flashbacks, apparently left over from the previous episode. Again, nothing new or earth-shattering. This takes a while, but we finally get to the new stuff.

Kevin in the Diary Room: “Jordan winning the second round is perfect. Now Natalie is no longer in the equation.”

Kevin tells Jordan that if he wins, he will take her with him. In fact, he gets a little crazy-eyed about his assurances, and Jordan finally calls him on it, what’s going on? Kevin is concerned that Natalie will convince Jordan to take Natalie to the end. Jordan tells him he shouldn’t be paranoid.

Jordan in the Diary Room: “I will take Natalie.”

Then we have some scenes with Natalie working Jordan, and Jordan working Natalie, and everybody starting to get a little freaky as the finale approaches. Kevin and Natalie actually get rather heated during one extended scene, and it looks like a bridge might have just been burned. Not clear, but I’m hoping so.

Cut to Michele’s arrival at the Jury House. She wastes no time in trashing Natalie about giving up the chance to play in the Veto Competition. She soon learns that she doesn’t have to trash her too hard, because it seems nobody in the Jury House is happy about Natalie. Does Natalie even have a chance?

Then we have the “official” Jury House debate, where the jury members supposedly sit around and politely discuss the voting possibilities at this point. It gets a little snippy, especially between Jeff and Lydia when it comes to Jordan. With all the bickering, it’s really not clear if there’s a definite choice. So much for that.

Finally, Round 3 of the HOH, and it’s the standard Round 3 for this sort of thing. Julie asks questions about possible statements by jury members, Kevin and Jordan have to respond with “A” or “B” for their answers. They make it all the way to a tie-breaker, so out come the chalkboards for a numeric response. Jordan gets the closest answer, and wins final HOH.

I believe people in 4 neighboring states looked up from their dinner table at the sound of my victory yell.

Jordan has to quickly decide who to evict. (We’re live here, people, keep up the pace.) After a rambling speech, she finally sends Kevin out the door. It’s Jordan and Natalie as final two.

In his exit interview, Kevin tells Julie that evicting him was Jordan’s smartest move.

Anyway, now they drag out all the jury members, and all the non-jury house guests, and everybody gets to ask questions. There’s a little snippiness, and some gentle digs, but seriously, this is all for show. Who is really going to change their mind at the last minute? (And it’s very clear that the audience LOVES Jordan, so it’s obvious how THAT vote is going to go.)

At this point, people just want the vote to happen, so I’ll cut to the chase. Here’s how it broke down:

America Jordan

Jessie Jordan

Lydia Jordan

Russell Natalie

Jeff Jordan

Michele Jordan

Kevin Natalie

And it was perfect timing that Jeff’s vote is the one that sent Jordan over the top. (Oh, and America voted him the $25K bonus prize, so a little icing to go on the cake.)

Thrilled with how this thing wrapped up. Now I just have to prepare myself for the slight depression that happens every summer after Big Brother stops controlling my life three nights a week. WHAT am I going to do with all this free time?

Don’t answer that.

#77 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 29

This whole episode simply involves Kevin, Natalie and Jordan eating a meal and discussing life in the house while we are treated to tons of flashbacks. We’ve seen most of it before. There are a few new scenes, but nothing that’s going to change anyone’s opinion or vote.

I’m guessing that the BB producers were just trying to fill their 30-episode contract with CBS, so they slapped this together and called it good. And I’m going to do the same.

One more to go….

#76 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 28

We start the show with Julie making an announcement that ALL THREE of the remaining house guests will make it to finale night even though the house guests don’t know it yet.

Um, what?

Kevin in the Diary Room: He wants to take Jordan to the end.

Jordan in the Diary Room: “I’m on my own now.” Have you talked to Kevin lately?

Natalie in the Diary Room: “I have a lot of hatred towards Michele.” And why in the world is that, Crazy Ass? Gawd you have issues, Natalie.

Cut to Part I of the HOH Competition still in progress, with Kevin, Jordan and Natalie struggling to stay on the giant log, completely drenched, worn out, and not looking very pretty. Natalie is spewing hateful things to Jordan, trying to break Jordan’s concentration. Jordan grits her teeth and gently dishes back: “You’re a little instigator.”

Then we have some LONG scenes of them trudging on the giant rolling log. There’s one moment when Natalie isn’t paying attention and comes this close to tumbling off the thing. I had to choke back a cheer as she managed to get things under control at the last minute.

Sadly, it’s Jordan that takes the first official tumble. (After stupidly taking Kevin’s evil advice to “wiggle around a little bit” to keep warm. And down she goes.) She wanders into the house.

Which leaves Kevin and Natalie to openly discuss what they are going to do. Turns out, the two of them had a deal that Natalie would throw the first competition. (We get a flashback scene that confirms the conversation.) But now Natalie doesn’t want to hold up her end of the deal.

Lots of arguing, and lots of Kevin swearing on everything that he will take Natalie to the end. (Quick Diary Room scene where Kevin states “My word means nothing in this game.”) After all the swearing, Natalie finally gives in and drops. Kevin has won the first round.

Julie gathers the house guests, and makes the announcement that no one is leaving the house tonight as originally planned. Round two WILL be played tonight, but Round 3 will not happen until finale night. We then have reaction shots of Natalie looking slightly pissed (she’s always mad about something), Jordan looking astonished (she wakes up that way), and Kevin doing his signature move of grabbing at his face and bugging his eyes.

Cut to Jeff arriving at the Jury House, where Lydia, Jessie and Russell are all pretty bad sports about Jeff’s eviction, rubbing it in his face. (Obviously, you don’t have to like anybody in the game, but you can at least be decent about it. This isn’t kindergarten. Or is it?) Lydia, of course, is the worst of the bunch. She is just one bitter, hateful girl.

But what’s this? Jeff finds out that the three of them are completely over Natalie and her lies, now that they’ve had time to drink and compare notes. Natalie does not have the friends she thinks (and we sort of thought) she does in the Jury House. Is the game turning?

Then Julie visits with 4 former house guests that made it to the final three during at least one of their seasons: Evel Dick, Danielle, Janie and Boogie. They are all basically in agreement that, at this point, Kevin should win the game, and that Kevin’s big lie about Russell is “the lie that changed the game”. Well finally, some validation. I was getting a bit of flack for constantly harping on Kevin about that very lie.

Anyway, it’s time for Part II of the Final HOH. It’s Natalie and Jordan, and they have to take balls with the names of HOH winners, roll them up an incline, and get the correct ball in the correct hole for the week that a house guest was HOH.

The house guests are kept separate, so they don’t immediately know how well the other one does. Natalie goes first, and gets a respectable 5 out of 10. Jordan walks out, and slams it home with 9 out of 10. (The live audience with Julie can’t help but wildly applaud, even though they are really supposed to just sit there and look clean-cut and American for the CBS viewing audience.)

When Julie announces the results, Natalie’s face immediately twists up into a pout, Kevin instinctively grabs HIS face, and Jordan is beaming from ear to ear.

And so am I.

#75 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 27

We start off with Natalie still parading around in that dumb-ass costume she wore for the Nomination Ceremony, babbling about how Michele is her real target.

Michele on Natalie’s nomination speech: “I don’t know what the heck the show was about.”

I hear ya.

Kevin in the Diary Room: “I’m playing a ruse on Natalie as well.”

Then we have a scene with Natalie really working Jordan, pushing hard for Michele to go home (despite Nat claiming during the nomination ceremony that she was after Kevin). Jordan’s not buying it. “I’m going to stick with Michele.”

Kevin and Natalie, with Kevin all blue about the POV competition. “If I don’t win, I go home.” That’s right, pal. And you’ve got Nutty Natty in the freak show outfit to blame for that.

We get to the POV competition, and of course Nat can’t play because she gave up the chance to do so in order to spend a few minutes with her oddly wimpy boyfriend. (Still amazed that he was in tears while proposing to her, while Natalie just stood there like she was waiting for him to pass a kidney stone.)

This competition involves matching up house guest names based on clues, one of those things. We get to see lots of scenes with Jordan just not figuring things out and making no progress at all, poor thing. So this one’s a race between Kevin and Michele, and it’s pretty tight, but Kevin pulls it off.

Immediately afterward, in the kitchen, Natalie races down from her temporary banishment in the HOH Room, with celebration drinks just for her and Kevin. Jordan and Michele just have to sit there while they whoop it up. Natalie truly believes that she has already won the whole thing and isn’t even bothering to be polite. She’s just wrong on so many levels.

Kevin in the Diary Room: “I can’t win against Natalie, with all her friends in the Jury House.” Well, Kev, not so sure about that. Things are kind of brewing over there.

Short scene with Kevin and Natalie, with Kevin forcing Natalie to swear that they are still tight. Look, Kevin, you’re lying to her about your intentions. Do you really think she’s not lying as well? Quit twirling around and think about it.

Kevin meets with Michele, but he hems and haws and won’t come out with what he wants to say. So Michele pushes it: “What’s up?” Kevin fesses “I don’t want Natalie to win this game.” Neither does Michele, so your point is? But he wanders off.

Natalie tells Jordan that she’s completely safe, Kevin will not put her up, no question about it. Then Natalie flounces off to irritate someone else, and Jordan is left sitting there with an expression that either means “I hope she gets hit by a bus” or “Can anyone tell me what time it is?”

Kevin and Michele again, but this time Michele is on the offensive, telling Kevin “If you keep me this week and I drop before the end, you get my vote. If I leave this week, you DON’T get my vote. Good for her. Hell, she’s got nothing to lose at this point.

Then we have a few scenes with Kevin showing mental anguish over the whole trauma of deciding who to send home. I don’t really care, sorry.

Julie talking to Natalie in the HOH Room. Julie: “You’ve told a lot of lies in this house. Who are you loyal to?” Natalie: “It’s always been Kevin.” (Hold up. Always? Girl, just a few days ago you would have happily given up your first-born just to have Jessie look in your direction and smile.) “He totally helped me.”

We get to the POV Ceremony, and Kevin uses it to save himself, natch. Jordan, of course, has to go up on the block, being the only possibility left. Since this is also a fast-track eviction, Michele and Jordan have to give their “save me” speeches.

Jordan is first, and actually babbles way too much. She’s much better when she sticks to the point (assuming she has one), says something really charming, and then smiles.

Michele, however, puts on some fake devil horns that she had conveniently tucked in the seat beside her, and really goes after Kevin, promising to rile the Jury House up if he sends her home. Again, she’s coming on strong because she really doesn’t have any other choice.

And of course, Kevin votes to send her home. Now, there are pros and cons for Kevin to send either one of the two home. But Kevin is weak. He is not going to go against what Natalie wants. Period.

Then Kevin, Natalie and Jordan race outside to begin Part I of the final HOH Competition. This involves the three of them standing on a giant log, clutching giant keys over their hands. They must keep one hand on the key at all times. And then the log starts rolling…

Things don’t look real spiffy for Jordan at this point, competitions are not her strong point. Then again, competitions are not Natalie’s strong point either. Hmmm. This could be interesting.

#74 - Survivor: Samoa - Episode 1

And, here we go again with another gang of city folk who are totally stunned to learn that it's just not all that fun starving to death on a crappy island where people lie to you and send you home just when you least expect it. And at least half of them are wearing high heels and/or business suits. People! Dress like you're going to be living in the wilderness, which you are, not like you're off to see "Cats" on Broadway.

Normally, the first episode of each Survivor season is very confusing because half the people look like each other, you don't know any names yet, and nobody has really had time to do anything for you to determine if you like them or hate them.

Well, this time around, three people immediately stood out, and I'm already completely sick of them. One of them is just annoying so far, and I'd be satisfied with a quick eviction for her. The other two are complete jerks that need to be slowly beaten to death with a coconut and then shoved out to sea. Actually, that would be too good for them, but at least it's a start.

The annoying one is Shannon. As soon as she and her mullet bouffant hairdo made their debut, I knew I was going to have issues. She's a former marine sergeant (nothing wrong with that, just filling in the details), rides a Harley, has apparently never seen herself in a mirror, and the only thing BIGGER than her hair is her neurotic belief that everyone in the world loves her and wants to be her best friend.

Oh, and she goes by the nickname "Shambo". As in Shannon and Rambo. Nice, huh? I would imagine this woman has never worn a thong in her life.

Then we have Ben, the self-proclaimed "hillbilly" from Kirksville, Missouri. (That sound you hear is millions of Missourians packing up and moving one state over to escape the shame. Any state will do.) There's nothing appealling about this guy. (In my notes, I actually scribbled "guy from MO kills things and calls people candy asses". That pretty much sums him up.)

Now, some of you may have not noticed that Ben is so distasteful, probably because he was overshadowed by the jaw-dropping antics of the Ultimate Ass on the show: Russell H. (Yes, there are two Russells this season. Maybe even more, it was the first episode, still learning.) I'll get to Russell's disgusting actions as we go along.

So anyway, here we go with the play-by-play.

The survivors all paddle up on some stupid log-boat things and gather on the beach. They've already been split into tribes (Galu and Foa Foa), but then Jeff makes each tribe pick a leader based on first impressions. Galu picks the other Russell, "Russell S", to be their honcho. Foa Foa picks Mick, a doctor from Los Angeles.

Then Jeff has each new tribe leader pick four tribe mates based on the attributes of swimming ability, strength, agility and smarts. Then they get ready for the first reward challenge, with the prize being flint for fire.

Now, while all of this is going on, I am mesmerized and stunned by Shambo and her hair as she frolics around the beach. I have to rewind to catch some of the dialogue. In the middle of this, Russell H has a sidebar where he states: "I plan on making it as miserable as possible. Making it hell for everybody to get what I want." So I already hate him, and we're barely seven minutes into the season.

They have the reward challenge, with people swimming and running and carrying things and walking on beams and doing a puzzle. Typical Survivor stuff. And Foa Foa manages to win, so that tribe gets to jump around and high-five while the Galu tribe gets to stand there and look sad and itchy. Typical Survivor stuff.

Everybody heads off to their camps.

At Foa Foa, everybody starts clambering around trying to do "setting up camp" things. Except Russell H. ("I didn't come here to work.") Instead, he moseys around to all the females one at a time, (he calls them "dumb girls"), and swears an alliance with each of them, christening them the "dumb ass girl alliance" in a sidebar. Isn't he a sweet guy?

The only female who deosn't fully take the bait is Betsy, a police office, probably because she's older and can see right through him. And she does, commenting in a sidebar that she "doesn't trust Russell". So I immediately want her to win the whole thing just for that comment, seriously.

Cut over to the Galu camp, where they are trying to build a shelter, but they are stymied by John (who really IS a rocket scientist) spending WAY too much time planning and not enough time "doing". Shambo and her hair are not impressed with this, so we see lots of reaction shots of her rolling her eyes and getting twitchy.

In the middle of all this getting nowhere business, John suggests they take a break and go swimming. Everybody races off to do so. Except Shambo. She sits on the bank and bitches. Okay, Hair Girl, rule number one: Do NOT make yourself an outcast. If everybody wants to do a certain social activity, then you damn well better act excited about it, too, even if you have no desire to do so. Throw your ass in the water and act like it's the most fun you've ever had, even if you can feel unseen creatures chewing off your toes.

Then we're back to the Foa Foa camp. It's night now, and bastard Russell H is telling everyone a very sad story about him being stuck in New Orleans during Katrina, where he was a fireman trapped on his roof for two days and his dog died. He has some of the girls in tears with the tale. Then in a sidebar he tells us he completely made it up. "It's crazy how you can break their hearts by telling them a lie."

This man is just horrible.

But it gets worse. While the rest of the tribe is asleep, Russell H empties all the canteens and starts throwing other tribe mates' socks into the fire, laughing and having the best time while doing it. Of course, when morning comes, the whole tribe is in an uproar trying to figure out what happened.

Okay, I have a big problem with this part of Russell's business. This guy is pouring out their drinking water and burning their clothes. This is not just dirty gameplay, this is potentially affecting the health of the other players. (You NEED water and clothing to survive.) Why aren't the producers stepping in and pulling Russell out of the game just for that? Hello?

Then we're off to the Immunity challenge. While the nice Russell is trying to motivate his Galu tribe with positive statements, hillbilly Ben on Foa Foa yells out nasty things like "those are things losers say". Ben's a class act, let me tell ya.

Happily, Ben's hatefullness spurs on Galu, and they manage to win the challenge. Galu is safe, and someone from Foa Foa is going home. (And I immediately start lighting candles that it will be either Russell H or Ben that gets the boot.)

So we're back at the Foa Foa camp, for the scrambling discussions on who is going home. We get a sidebar with Mike, who is 62, which is not necessarily a reason for him to go, but he's also, um, not very slender, to put it politely. And he's babbling about wanting to send home the weakest player. Then I believe he belches as he reaches for a turkey leg. Somebody get this guy a mirror. And make sure he shares it with Shambo.

Marisa, one of the "dumb ass girls" although she doesn't know it, doesn't have a warm fuzzy about Russell H. She didn't buy his Katrina story, suspecting that he made it up. (Good for you!) But then she approaches Russell to tell him she's not comfortable with him going to everybody and making alliances. It makes her feel uncomfortable. (Not so good for you, Marisa, because this guy is a tool.)

And, of course, Russell can't stand anyone challenging him. So he immediately goes to every other tribe member and tells them that Marisa has got to go. See, Marisa is playing fair by approaching the person she has concerns about, instead of running around behind his back. Honest sportsmanship. Which is what most people would want. But there's not a decent bone in Russell's body.

Some of his sidebar commentary:

"How do you come to me and threaten me and telling me that you feel uncomfortable. Marisa is the dumbest player I've ever seen."

"My tribe will believe anything I tell them at any point because they're just stupid. They'll run when I tell them to run. They'll walk when I tell them to walk and when I'm finished with them, just throw them in the trash."

I would imagine that by this point in the show that Russell's mom, assuming that she's not a jackal, is way beyond shame that she gave birth to this thing.

Tribal Council.

Betsy, who is still not buying the Russell show and has been quitely speaking her mind to a few of the players, tries to single out Ashley as the weakest link. This enrages Russell, and he attacks Marisa, totally twisting how their conversation played out. He tag teams with hillbilly Ben, who also goes after Marisa, for no real reason other than she's a woman who actually speaks her mind, and such a thing is just not in Ben's bible. (Ben is single in real life. Surprised?)

Marisa speaks intelligently in her defense, far more so than the two neanderthals, but it's a lost cause. She goes home with 7 out of the 10 votes.

Jeff Probst, in the offhand way that he has, tries to let the tribe know that they've really got issues (meaning Russell) and they need to work things out (meaning Russell). Then the tribe shuffles off to camp.

So here's what I'm thinking at this point. Russell, especially when buddied up with hillbilly Ben, could go a long way. On the other hand, Russell has been so aggressively venomous, that surely these people will figure it out. A few of them already have, but sadly one of them is already gone.

Just a thought: Maybe the Foa Foa tribe will come to their senses and actually lose an immunity challenge just to send Russell home. It's happened before with other jerks. I'm not a fan of losing on purpose, it can seriously bite you in the end. You always want to win.

Then again, how much damage can Russell do to the decent folk before he's taken out? Something to consider.

And something else: Russell, in one episode, has already topped the infamous Johnny Fairplay's evildoings in his entire season.

Take him out, people.

#73 - Network Down For Much-Needed Maintenance

Dear Peeps,

I will be out of the country, in Paris, until mid-September. There will be no new posts to this blog during this time. However, I'm of course recording all of our shows and will catch up on the reviews after we return. (A bit late, but it should still be fun.)

The only Bonnywood Manor blog that will remain active is The Sound and The Fury. (You can scroll down to find a link on the left.) There won't be much chatter about TV shows, only brief dispatches about what crazed (and probably drunken) activity our little clan might be involved in as we ravage the city. (If you really love me, you will set aside bail money just in case.)

See you soon.

Brian

#72 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 26

We start out with the announcer reminding us that the Pandora's Box is back in play for the new HOH. I'm hoping that this will involve Natalie getting smacked down in some way. One can dream, right?

Speaking of, Natalie is in the Diary Room, still babbling away about how she's the one that got Jeff out of the house. She is NOT the one that pulled it off, but I'm tired of dealing with delusional people, let her think what she wants.

Scene with Jordarn, crying, where everything sucks. Yes, sweetie, it does. So are you gonna do something about it or just lay there and wait to get evicted?

Michelle in the Diary Room, convinced that she's leaving.

Lots of scenes with Natalie really, really excited about winning HOH. Too many scenes, and the girl will NOT shut up about it. Yes, you won. Yay. But seriously, Jesus did not walk across water to annoint you as his successor. Settle down a little bit.

Natalie tells Kevin that they are definitely the final two, and that she wants Michele gone.

Kevin in the Diary Room, still hating on Natalie. Okay, sister girl, here's the deal. You keep whining about Natalie, fessing up that you know she will drop you, but what are you doing about it? Have we had a scene where you confront Nat and say, yo skank, what are your plans? Just asking.

And again with Jordan, wallering around on some random bed, not wanting to be a part of any more scheming, she just wants to be left alone. Peaches, you are in the Final Four. You could feasibly win this. No time for tears.

Then, surprisingly, Natalie actually tells Kevin that he has to go up to ensure that Natalie gets Michele out. Kevin, understandably, doesn't exactly turn cartwheels upon learning this bit of news. The pawn option is a risky path.

Natalie in the Diary Room: I have to throw Michele and Jordan off by making them think that I'm not that close to Kevin. (Are you serious, Gnat? You think the girls are going to believe that at this point?) Then Natalie states that Jordan is not smart enough to figure out what Nat is doing. Um, Nat, last time I checked, you weren't smart enough to figure out that Jessie was playing you, and you still love him. Just sayin.

Then Natalie shows off her new HOH room while wearing a two-piece swimsuit. That makes sense. Everybody in all the photo's looks WAY over 18 years old. Are any of the house guests catching on to this?

Natalie tells Michele and Jordan that she fully intends to put Kevin up, that she has no intention of taking him to the end. Even Jordan is not buying that load.

Natalie in the Diary Room: "I'm good at throwing people off." Yes, you are. But not in the way that you THINK you are.

Then we have the Luxury Competition. Basically, they split into two teams, with each team having to yell over a wall and find matching pieces of clothing. In the end, the house guests have a little over three minutes to race through a boutique and grab as many items as they can and they get to keep them.

The girls aim for clothing actually hanging on the various racks. Kevin decides that he wants the entire outfit that one of the mannequins is wearing, so he proceeds to demolish the mannequin, with plastic legs and arms and a torso all over the place. It's like Hannibal Lecter went shopping on a bad day.

Kevin approaches Michele about partering up to be in the Final Two. "You and me take Natalie out!" Michele looks appropriately stunned, but acts all gung ho about it. (On the flip side, Michele could use this little tidbit in her dealings with Natalie. Use this info wisely, Michele.)

Natalie meets with Jordan, and talks about THEM being in the Final Two. All KINDS of gameplay going on here, folks.

Natalie wanders into her HOH Room, and it's time for Pandora's Box, Part II. Turns out, Natalie can spend time with a loved one, if she gives up her chance to play in the Veto Competition. Nat doesn't hesitate (proving once again that she will satisfy her immediate wants and needs without considering the big picture), and opts to meet the loved one, screw the Veto Competition.

So she races in to meet her loved one, her boyfriend, who, amazingly, drops to one knee and proposes to her. He's actually very moved by the opportunity, and starts crying during the proposal. Natalie, who apparently has no emotions, just looks at him as if she'd like another waiter for her table. Not a tear in sight.

They only have 5 minutes for this bit of business. But then she's offered an opportunity to spend an additional 15 minutes with boyfriend, but the rest of the house will have to suffer while she does so. Again, no hesitation on Natalie's part, she is so self-centered.

So, while Nat and boyfriend enjoy a quick sushi dinner, the other houseguests are tormented by odd little creates racing through the house. A giant needy baby that will not shut up, a "copy cat" little person that repeats their every action and word (Jordan: "He was cute, but I wanted to kill him."), and a giant roach thing that sprayed bug kill on the house guests.

The traumatized house guests then go up to Natalie's HOH Room. What the hell is going on? Natalie, realizing it's not going to be easy explaining to Kevin that she just gave up her right to play in the Veto Competition for a few minutes of sushi and a marriage proposal, goes way left and makes up a bogus scenario.

Natalie launches into detail about some "Final Two Reversal" thing where she was blind-folded, ear-muffed and water-boarded and can now no longer win the game, the best she can do is second place for $50K. Even if I LIKED Natalie I wouldn't buy it, and everyone is looking at her like she's ate up with the dumbass.

Kevin in the Diary Room: "Bitch, you lyin'." She got something out of this.

Cut to Kevin, Michele and Jordan in the courtyard, trying to figure out what the hell THAT was all about, all of them convinced that she's not telling the whole story. Natalie wanders out, and makes it worse by saying "don't ask me any more about Pandora."

Kevin confronts Natalie in the HOH Room. "If you really lost $500K, you'd be breaking windows." True enough. Natalie folds, and says she'll tell everybody what went down.

But she doesn't. Meeting with the others, she fesses up to her boyfriend showing up and proposing, but that everything after that was just her having some fun with the house guests. Hee hee. Not a word about not getting to play in the POV competition. For once, Kevin, Michele and Jordan are all on the same wavelength. If that's ALL it was, then what was all that other crap?

Kevin in the Diary Room: "I betcha her name is not even Natalie."

Then the announcer invites the viewing audience to vote for their favorite house guest, who will receive $25K. My bet is on Jeff.

Leading up to the Nomination Ceremony:

Jordan in the Diary Room: "Jeff told me to stick with Michele. I don't listen to Kevin and Natalie."

Natalie in the Diary Room: "I'm hoping to hide my allegiances." Girl, please. Ain't nobody buyin.

At the Nomination Ceremony, where Natalie is wearing some stupid-ass outfit involving a lobster crown and waving a cue bridge she stole from the pool table in the courtyard, she pulls the single key to save Jordan and therefore puts up Kevin and Michele.

Natalie to Kevin: You said this was a game of chess, and I'm three moves ahead of you. I want you out.

Natalie to Michele: You are a liar, and talking to you is like making a deal with the devil.

On the surface, she's not even minimally nice to either one of them. I'm just going to assume that this is an attempt to get Jordan on her side. But even taking that into consideration, she basically burned EVERYBODY.

Kevin in the Diary Room: "Natalie screwed me over by opting out of the Veto Competition." Hold up. What? How does Kevin know about the Veto Competition angle? WE know that, but we didn't see any scenes where Natalie fessed up to that. Did the producers screw up yet again?

Michele in the Diary Room: "I am NOT taking Natalie with me with I win HOH next week." I'm right there with you, girl. But you have to survive the Eviction this week.

And then we have the announcer letting us know that Tuesday's show will have both the Veto Competition AND the Eviction Ceremony. Interesting. That's a fast track. Something's brewing here. Some more manipulation by the BB Producers?

Just sayin.

#71 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 25

Kevin in the Diary Room: "Jeff will be packing his bags!"

And there we have the theme for the whole night. Jeff's chances of surviving this situation are pretty slim. But we'll trudge though it, shall we? You never know in the Big Brother House.

Jeff in the Diary Room: "Michele and I tried to cut a deal, but Kevin's not listening." Of course he's not. He can't hear you over Natalie's incessant babbling.

Michele in the Diary Room: We'll just have to try working Natalie.

Natalie in the Diary Room: "All the blood is on Kevin's hands!" and "Jeff is my present to Jessie" in the jury house. YOUR present? How do you figure that, Gnat? What have YOU done to make this happen?

Jeff and Jordan, being sad again. Jordan: "I'm gonna be so BORED." Jeff is back to his sweet self, telling Jordan it was destiny that he be in this house and meet her. (Awww.) And he tells her to stick with Michelle. Jordan is still near tears: "You're the only one who played the game."

Jeff meets with Natalie and tries to work something out. Natalie makes it clear that she wants a sweeter deal before she even considers it. (And of course, I'm about to claw my face because this little worthless nothing has coasted along while everyone else has done all the work, but SHE wants a better deal?)

Meanwhile, Kevin is watching this discussion on the HOH monitor, and he's thinking out loud. He doesn't trust Natalie, knows she will dump him at some point. Okay, you've said this several times now, so why are you still Natalie's bitch?

Scene with Jeff and Jordan smooching, practicing different ways to perform their final kiss at the Eviction Ceremony.

Jeff meets with Michele. They need to come up something to offer Natalie. Michele suggests promising to throw the next HOH and let Natalie win, guaranteeing her safety. Which sounds dramatic, but there's a silver lining.

When it's down to 4 in the house, the winner of the POV actually controls the game. Scenario: They let Natalie win, and she obviously puts up Jeff and Michele. If either of them win POV, Natalie will have to put Kevin up, no other choice. Then the person that won POV simply votes Kevin out, because they are the single vote at eviction time. There's no chance of a tie and Gnat can't do a thing about it.

So Jeff offers this up to Natalie, promising that he and Michele will throw it so she can be HOH and completely safe. (He conveniently leaves out the bit where the POV is actually the HOH next week.) She does seem excited, but it's hard to tell with her because she gets excited about everything, including toothpaste.

Then we meet Michele's husband. No real surprises here. He's kind of geeky, she's kind of geeky. But he does confirm that Michele has memory problems, she really does forget conversations, no one's been able to figure out why. Which makes me feel a little bad about the times I've called her out for lying. Maybe she really DIDN'T remember saying what she said.

On the flip side, she's a SCIENTIST. Sure hope the girl isn't working with toxic chemicals, and then forgets what she's supposed to do with them. Or where she puts them. Just sayin.

Then Julie talks to the house guests in the little eviction area. She's especially interested in Kevin's thoughts on everybody leaving him bent over a box while they raced around and grabbed them some money rain.

First, he admits that normally he doesn't mind being handcuffed while bent over. (I assume that the CBS executives wet themselves on that one, but they let it air.) Kevin adds "but when money's fallin' somewhere that I'm not?", he's not really happy about that. Then we get a few seconds of the fish tank shot, so Kevin (or somebody) said something extra spicy.

Julie turns to Natalie, and we get to review her completely freaking out over the dragonfly in the courtyard. And yes, that really was funny (girl does NOT like insects of any kind), so everybody gets a chuckle out of it. But I still can't stand Natalie. (Thank you, dragonfly, for making her do back flips off the lawn chair.)

Then we check in on the Jury House, where Lydia is clearly still hot for Jessie, despite her telling the camera that she is SO not into him. The newly-evicted Russell walks in, Lydia spazzes out that it's not Jeff, and within 30 seconds (not kidding) Jessie rips his shirt off right in front of Russell for no apparent reason, basically knocking Lydia out of the way as he does so.

Okay, I know I've been snarky with the Jessie/Russell lovefest comments, but come ON. I'm thinking Kevin is not the only one who wants to be handcuffed while bent over a box. Get out of the closet, people. You don't have to hide anymore. You're so 2000 and late.

Kevin in the HOH Room. Julie: "How much do you trust Natalie?" Kevin: "She's my only ally. I had to do what I had to do."

Time for the "save me" speeches. Jordan is cute and country, as always. Jeff raises eyebrows by giving his speech directly to Natalie, spelling everything out about the guarantee of an HOH win and that Kevin is not the one she should align with right now. Wow.

But Natalie still votes to send Jeff home. And Michele votes to send Jordan home. Kevin has to decide. Totally expected. (But part of me wonders, was it wise for Jeff to be so bold right there in front of everybody? It may not have mattered, who knows with Natalie, but still, Jeff put Natalie in an uncomfortable spot and just might have lost the deal right there.)

Anyway, Kevin breaks the tie by voting Jeff out. Kevin is bitchy about it, and I'll give him a little slack because Jeff just slammed him, but there was also no need for Kevin to take a dig at Jordan as well.

Shout out to the Kevin fans: I know you love him. And he's certainly entertaining, I'll give you that. But he just rubs me the wrong way. Not sure what it is. But I do agree that he's at least playing the game. And of the 4 remaining house guests, only Michele has actually fought to stay alive. Natalie and Jordan (love her anway) are only still there because of the actions of others. So Kevin just might pull it off.

Jeff leaves the house, and Julie points out that he just got the first standing ovation. (And he deserves it.) Julie: "Why did you switch and align with Kevin and Natalie over Russell?" Jeff: "I couldn't trust Russell."

And this is where I have to irritate the Kevin fans by going back to the One Big Lie that Kevin made. Jeff only turned on Russell because of the flat-out lie Kevin told Jeff about what Russell was planning to do. I know I should let it go. But that lie completely changed the game.

So we get to the HOH Competition. One of those true/not true things about what booted house guests might have done after they left the show. Jordan is actually the leader through most of it, but the other two catch up near the end and we go to a tie-breaker. Natalie wins.

I fight the urge to just turn the TV off and never look back.

Natalie races around screaming "I stuck to my word and I won!". What word did you stick to, Natalie? Certainly not the one where you told Jeff he was completely safe. You can't be selective about sticking to your word, otherwise you're NOT sticking to your word. Get it? Perhaps you have Michele's memory disorder? Maybe the two of you can join a clinical trial and search for a cure.

Natalie also screams out, several times, that "this is for Chima!"

Right there, people. Right THERE is what's wrong with this country. Idiots who fully support other idiots who don't want to play by the rules and then are totally stunned when they have to pay the price for NOT playing by the rules. Chima was a bitch, Natalie. You wanna love and honor that?

Amazing.

So Julie closes the show, letting us know that there's going to be another Pandora's Box temptation that, if used, is bound to affect the game. Really? Well, right now I hope that it involves thousands of dragonlies being unleashed.

But I'm not bitter.

Well, not really.

Okay, yes I am.

And so it goes.

#70 - Dallas - Season 11, Episode 19

Opening scene is just JR and Miss Ellie having breakfast at South Fork. JR makes some comment about how the breakfast table used to be packed with people back in the day. Then JR, probably realizing just as we do that the lack of diners is probably his fault, says something lame about how he's trying to work it out with Bobby. Miss Ellie: "I really don't care."

Well then.

Quick scene with Bobby talking to the lawyer (Paul?) who is handling the Lisa-wants-Christopher lawsuit. Lawyer: "Without Lisa, there's no trial." Of course, everyone in the viewing audience doesn't believe for a minute that Lisa has really left town.

Clayton is having a meal with Laurel. She's brought along lots of old newspapers showing that Clayton was "big news" in San Angelo back in the day. (How a bonsai pruner managed to get these yellowed papers is something we'll have to ponder another day.) Bottom line, Laurel stresses to Clayton that his life is not over

Nicholas at Sue Ellen's office. He and his hair apologize for the way he acted last night. Then he launches into some dirt he's got on the Westar thing, namely that Cliff bought a big chunk of stock. Sue Ellen: "Tell me about corporate take-overs." (Like she doesn't know, married to JR? Please.) Nick explains that the key here is a certain doctor who holds a buttload of stock, and he's Kimberly Cryder's father.

Bobby talking to Sam Culver, the "take back the Ewing name" is in full swing. It's an election year, so Bobby should look into making targeted campaign donations, but things look awfully rosy. (Again, WHY does Sam care?)

Scene with Cliff and Jackie, where Cliff carries on his tradition of being an ass to Jackie, but we do learn that Cliff is realizing JR is up to something with Westar.

Sue Ellen with John Ross, where Mommy pumps her glowing son for intel on JR. Great. (In some places, one would consider this child abuse, but this is Texas. Besides, we hate JR, so abuse away.) John Ross confirms that JR is indeed planning something big with Westar.

Quick scene with JR and Kimberly Cryder, where they are plotting an invented tryst between the two of them so that Sue Ellen can walk in on it.

Sue Ellen visits Bobby at his office. Sue Ellen: "We have a common enemy." (JR, obviously.) Sue Ellen: "It's over between JR and me." Bobby: Divorce? Sue Ellen: Hell no. "That's what he wants." Bobby: By the way, I think I might be able to get the Ewing Oil name back. Sue Ellen: "I'll do anything to keep JR from getting it."

Do you think she's bitter?

Phone-call scene between JR and April, where he is torturing her about telling Bobby that they spanked the monkey. Not sure why they're letting JR go so over the top with April. Are we setting up another "Who shot JR?" arc? Not sure.

Casey and Sly on another date. This time Sly has a massive hairdo that could be used to demolish old buildings, so it's hard to concentrate, but Sly is clearly getting loose-lipped about JR ("I've been made president of one of his companies"), so whatever Casey is aiming for, he's getting closer.

Quick scene with Cliff and Jordan Lee, with Cliff being a total ass ("You'll want me when Westar noses around") even though it appears that Jordan is trying to be supportive. Odd scene, only including it because it looks like the foundation for another plotline.

Bobby at April's apartment, with April gently edging in to how Bobby feels about second-hand slap and tickle. "Who's Holly Harwood?" April gets her answer pretty quickly. Bobby: "Anything that JR touches, he fouls." Ouch. How ya gonna spin this one, April?

Sue Ellen walks in on JR and Kimberly, fully aware that it's a setup. She acts properly outraged, and then storms out, barely hiding her grin.

Sue Ellen immediately goes to Nick's place, and spills about JR and Kimberly. Nicky immediately thinks divorce. "When you gonna file?" Sue Ellen just smiles one of her satisfied grins. Of course she's not going to file. Staying married means it will jack the Westar deal for JR. But it also means "I won't be rushing home anymore." Then Sue Ellen kisses Nick and all his hair.

Laurel arrives at some house, lugging one of her pedicured bonsais. The person who answers the door has an accent just like hers (OMG!) and she is clearly not impressed. As she races away, he throws out lines like "I still love you" and "We're still going to be married", indicating that Laurel the Leaf-Lopper has some pretty serious secrets.

Bobby arrives at South Fork to find snotty Charly waiting on the patio for him. She whines about Ray grounding her for kissing Randy. Bobby buys her lame story: "Get in the car and we'll go over there."

Um, didn't Charly totally and completely HATE Bobby a few episodes back? Just sayin.

JR and April, talking about the Bobby thing. April: "You are SCUM" and "I want out". JR: "You aren't getting out." April: "You can only push me so far." But she agrees to buy more Westar stock, so April gets a demotion on my fave Dallas characters spreadsheet.

Clayton and Laurel are again dining somewhere. Clay: "I'm going back into the refinery business." Laurel: "I just want to see you happy." Then Clayton offers to provide financial backing for Laura so she can grow her business. She tells him that's really sweet, but she wants to make it on her own, it's important to her. Then she gives him a chaste little kiss on the cheek.

Interestingly enough, Miss Ellie walks into that exact restaurant at that exact time and sees the kiss. There's only 4 billion restaurants in the DFW metroplex. So this is completely believable, right?

Bobby and Charly pull up at Ray's house. There is a discussion, and Charly is a total little witch. (Have I mentioned that I don't like the Charly character? Over it.) Bobby tries to explain that Charly thinks Ray is being too hard on her, but Ray is none too happy with Bobby. "Get the hell out. I want you to leave and don't come back."

That went well.

Quick scene with Miss Ellie and Clayton, with Ellie subtly prying into what Clayton has been up to lately, but she's so typically wishy-washy and indirect that she doesn't learn anything other than Clay is "not happy doin' nothin'." So Miss Ellie gets a pinched look and once again internalizes her suffering.

Scene with Jenna and Charly, with Jenna telling Charly that "going to Bobby was the wrong thing to do" and "You hurt Ray". There's some quibbling, but they finally get back to the warm relationship that we liked about Jenna and Charly back before she discovered boys. Let's see how long THIS lasts.

Then we have Bobby and Cliff bowling with Christopher at some local lanes. (We've never seen them do this before, but anway.) They're all having a swell time. Then the camera pans to Lisa hovering nearby, trying to look inconspicuous by wearing a glaring magenta hat, enormous sunglasses, and basically looking like Greta Garbo on acid.

Guess she didn't leave town after all, ya think?

Final scene with JR walking into his and Sue Ellen's bedroom, to find her and Tuh-RAY-zuh packing up Sue Ellen's things. At first, JR can barely suppress his glee, but he tries to play the role of philandering husband that messed up. (Sue Ellen: "You've always had a difficult time being faithful.")

Then she wallops him with the twist. "I'm not giving you a divorce." We'll stay married, but we're going to lead separate lives, in separate bedrooms. When he tries to protest, she spins around with a flourish and positions herself to deliver the stinging line:

"You don't have a choice. See you at breakfast."

LOVE her.

Seriously.

#69 - Dallas - Season 11, Episode 18

JR and Bobby are still flopping around in the pool. But Ray and Clayton jump in and stop Bobby before he kills JR. (Dang it. And seriously. CLAY jumps in? Exactly how is he supposed to help?)

Just afterwards, with everyone still dripping, Bobby and Sue Ellen are alone for a moment, and you can tell by Sue Ellen's eyes that she's pretty certain Bobby was yelling the truth about Lisa. But she asks him to confirm anyway, and he does.

Cut to Miss Ellie wanting to spend more time with Clay. He just sits there, looking distant, apparently wanting to spend more time with people who aren't named Miss Ellie.

Sue Ellen confronts JR. "You are DIRT!" Then she tears into him about other things. "Wouldn't it be funny if your plans include getting rid of me for Westar?" Nail on the head, sister. Bingo.

Casey Denault and Sly at her desk, with him actually asking her out on a date. Just WHERE are the producers going with this angle? Just trying to burn up the rest of Andrew Stevens' contract?

Bobby talks to Dave Culver. That getting back the Ewing name thing? Seems to be right on track. (Still wondering. Why does Dave even care?)

JR confronts Lisa in her apartment. He tells her she doesn't live here anymore, he's got a one-way ticket for her to go home. She's not exactly pleased with this announcement. Why? JR: "This was all to get Bobby in on Westar." Lisa: What if I stay? JR: "I'll have you escorted out." So then she calls him a bastard, but since she's the 207th actress on the show to do so, it's really not that exciting.

Cliff is all hyped up, his pipeline has finally been connected. He tells Jackie to set up a party. Then he calls Lisa and finds out the line has been disconnected, and gets all depressed. Cliff is the reason why mood stabilizers were invented.

Nick arrives at Sue Ellen's office to talk about "business". Sue Ellen is wearing the most enormous shoulder pads known to mankind. They are WAY beyond the normal line-backer pads she normally wears. She is now a plane circling the airport.

And I miss most of what they say, because I'm scared of her, but they kind of make up a bit and plan to have some nookie tomorrow night.

Clayton meets with the artist who created the painting that featured Laurel as the model. The artist explains that he's just friends with Laurel, nothing more, but he would like to know what Clay's intentions are. Clayton bristles: "You're not gonna throw dirt on this!"

Then why did you have this meeting? Geez.

April finally meets with the skittish private investigator from New York. He exlains that the Lombardi family was definitely in the mob, and that the whole family disappeared 20 years ago after the Daddy was arrested and then died in jail. Interesting.

Ray and Jenna discussing hormonal Charly, with Ray wearing a magical towel that just barely covers his bits as he energetically leaps about the room, promising but not quite fulfilling on the possibility of a flash. Jenna's a little blue about the strength of their relationship, but Ray promises her: "I stay committed." (Like you were with Donna, Ray?)

Bobby and April are dancing at some club, and she's about to spill what she knows about Nick, but then dumbass JR walks up and tries telling Bobby that he saved the day by getting Lisa out of town. Bobby: "Calling off your own game makes you some kind of hero?"

Clayton meets with Laurel again, and he brings her tea, which I guess is a very fine thing to do when dealing with British people. But Laurel quickly gets to a point: "Are you using me as a substitute for getting on with your life?" Clay just sits there and looks distant, like he'd rather be with people who are not named Miss Ellie or Laurel.

Quick scene with Bobby telling Christopher that Lisa has left town and we'll have no more problems with her. Translation: Christopher, prepare to be kidnapped or violated in some way.

Sue Ellen shows up at Nick's for some lovin', but it quickly turns into a fight when she announces that she can't stay the night. So there's lots of dissatisfaction and stomping off, but at least she's wearing calmer shoulder pads and no one is in physical danger.

JR meets with Kimberly, and she tells him: "Either you want Westar and me, or you don't."

Cut to South Fork, where Clayton finally gives Miss Ellie a belated anniversary present that is something shiny and gaudy that she would never wear. Not really one from the heart, which increases her budding suspicions about what Clay might be up to.

Jenna meets with a reluctant Bobby. Jenna: "You have to forget what I said about being in love with you." Oh sure, that's easy. Jenna: "Do this for Ray!" Right. That's great reasoning. Jenna, perhaps we should speak with someone about that ugly bowl-cut hairdo you've been sporting for too long now. It does nothing for you, irritates everyone else, and is apparently causing some mental issues that need attention.

Over to Cliff's celebratory pipeline party, where there's just not a whole lot of people. Pretty sparse, actually. And Cliff is all despondent because he can't find Lisa. Perhaps you should check with your mortal enemy JR, the one you are stupidly involved with in this Westar crapfest?

Then we have Casey and Sly on their first date. During the initial conversation, Sly fesses up that she had a boyfriend for a long time, but he's gone now. (Okay, WE never saw him, what's up with that?) Then Casey starts to gently dig into how Sly started working for JR. So, he IS up to something after all. Hmmm.

Back to Cliff's underpopulated party. He's drunk, he's dissatisfied, and he's mean to the few people who showed up out of sympathy. We've seen him like this a thousand times. Next.

We end with a scene at April's apartment, where JR wants her to buy more Westar stock. She is not in the least interested in that. So JR brings up the Holly Harwood thing, and explains that Bobby does not take sloppy seconds with a woman that JR has had first. And he threatens to tell Bobby that he's already HAD April if she doesn't BUY MORE STOCK!

JR is proof that pigs can walk on two feet just fine.

#68 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 24

Jeff in the Diary Room: "Let's go to war!"

I'm sure he intends to do something to save himself, but really, Chima and Russell are long gone. There may be some fireworks, but we're talking sparklers here, not roman candles.

Natalie and Kevin hook up with Jeff in the pantry and tell him he's completely safe, it's all for show. But of course he's not safe. (Natalie in the Diary Room: "I have no problem with lying straight to his face" Natalie, you have no problem lying, period. How old did you tell everybody you are?)

Scenes of Michele and Jordan being really sad.

Scenes of Jeff and Jordan being really sad.

Then Kevin prances into his HOH Room, and lo and behold, there's a new door in one of the walls, with a big ole question mark on it. A handy card explains that if someone goes in the room, something good or bad could happen to them or the house.

Kevin pauses 2.5 seconds, then decides he's going in. ("I'm a greedy bitch!", then he does a cute little clap.) Inside, there's a big box machine thing with a place for Kevin to stick his little Asian hand. He does so, something grabs it, he screams, and suddenly dollar bills start pouring out of the sky in the courtyard.

Jordan in the Diary Room, babbling about how her daddy was always telling her that money don't grow on trees. "Dad, you're very wrong."

Conveniently, there's a monitor next to Kevin so he can see the courtyard, where Natalie, Jeff and Michele are whooping it up, racing around, grabbing bills, and shoving them into their panties and whatnot. Jeff opens the glass doors and yells for Jordan to get the hell out here, so now all the house guests are raking in the bucks while Kevin is straddling a box in the HOH Room.

The monitor then tells Kevin that there's a key hidden somewhere in the house that will free him. He starts yelling, but it takes a while for the scampering house guests in the courtyard to even think about Kevin.

Natalie finally goes looking, follows his hollering to the HOH Room, and Kevin tells her that she needs to find the key to set him free. Then Kevin watches on the monitor as Natalie goes right back to the courtyard and starts grabbing bills again. Bitch. (And you need to remember that, Kevin.)

Then Jeff decides something isn't right, and finds Kevin as well. This time Kevin lies (Kevin would lie? really? I know you're shocked) and tells Jeff that "the only way you can keep the money is find the key." So Jeff promptly marches downstairs, finds the key rather easily, throws it in his cash bucket, and marches back out side.

Kevin is not impressed seeing this on the monitor. But really, Kevster, all you said was "find the key to keep the money". You didn't say "find the key and then UNLOCK my ass and you can keep the money." You gotta be clear, girl, especially when you're dealing with Jeff.

Eventually Natalie and Jeff release Kevin, who manages to scrape up a few bucks before it's all gone. Then it's time for the Veto Competition.

It's another of those race-against-the-clock things where they morph two house guest faces and you have to figure the two out and hit a buzzer. As usual, some of the combos are pretty butt-ugly, and Natalie finally says something that I actually found funny: "I promise America that I will never have a child with Michele."

And Michelle wins! Great for her. Not so great for Jeff and Jordan, considering the dynamics in the house right now.

Then Jeff totally screws up. Everyone is running around congratulating Michele, because you are SUPPOSED to do this even if it's your worst enemy that just won. And Michele is actually the one that approaches Jeff, trying to say "sorry". And what does he do? Yells at her "Get away from me" and stomps off.

You stupid, childish idiot.

Never mind that it was totally uncalled for, very unfair, and just plain wrong. Jeff has now dissed Michele in front of everybody. And dude, you NEED her vote and her support. You think she's gonna give it to you NOW?

You should have sucked it up and played it cool. As my partner Terry yelled from the other couch, "You got GOT!" Yep. Jeff just tumbled on my ratings chart.

Amazingly, we then see Jeff in the Diary Room: "I'll take all the blame and not talk smack." Uh, little late for that, don't you think?

Natalie and Kevin, all hopped up and excited: "Jeff is GONE!"

But then Kevin in the Diary Room: Natalie "keeps saying she'll win HOH next week. Natalie hasn't won ANYTHING." We know this. Why are you still listening to her?

Michele and Jeff in the courtyard. Michele: "I'm gonna fight to keep you." Oh really? (Michele in the Diary Room: "I NEED him.") Michele tells Jeff he really needs to start campaigning. With the odds in the house, there's really only one option here. She doesn't say it, but Jeff does: "Jordan's gotta go?"

If you want to win, she does.

Luckily for Jeff's conscience (I'm assuming he still has one despite what he did to Michele), Jordan has a glass of wine and loosens up enough to tell Jeff: "I haven't done ANYTHING to be here. You can win if you stay."

There's your open door, bud.

Kevin and Michele, with Michele really pushing to keep Jeff, and slamming the prospects with Natalie. ("She has friends in the jury house." True dat.) Kevin: "I know Natalie will dispose of me" when she's ready. Michele: Keep Jeff, and he can get rid of Natalie for you. No blood.

That Michele gal is pretty dang smart, hoo boy.

So we get to the Veto Meeting. Naturally, Michele takes herself off. And Kevin puts up Jordan. No surprise.

Natalie gets all cocky in the Diary Room. She thinks she's won this thing already. Really. Can't. Stand. Her.

Final shot is Jordan in the Diary Room: "I want Jeff to stay here over me."

So, unless there's some major political maneuvering before Thursday's live eviction, here's how it's going to play out. Natalie will vote to evict Jeff. Michele will vote to evict Jordan. Which means Kevin has to break the tie.

Do we really think Kevin has the balls to risk the wrath of Natalie and send Jordan home instead? And to be fair, on the flip side, is it a smart move for Kevin to keep Jeff in the house? Kevin's decision could actually set him up to win the game. Or completely lose it for him. (It's all about who is in the jury house, people, and how they got there.)

We'll find out on Thursday.

#67 - True Blood - Season 2, Episode 11

We open where we left off, with Bill in the "reception room" of The Queen. (Does this chick have a name? I haven't caught it so far if she does.) The Queen is feeding on some reclining little bloodwhore, which explains the cryptic dripping blood we spied in the final scene from the last episode.

Turns out The Queen is very sassy, with perfectly coiffed hair. She seems to know Bill quite well. Won't you join me?

Cut to Hoyt yanking the feeding Jessica off his momma over at Bill's house. He's not happy with Jessica, and he yells some hateful things at her while storming out of the house, dragging momma along, and leaving Jessica all alone. (Dude, you need to chill. Your momma is mean and SOMEBODY had to shut her up.)

Back to Bill and The Queen. Bill just wants to know how to kill the nasty-ass Mary Ann maenad thing. The queen is intrigued about the maenad angle. ("Orgies? Sacrifice? Cannabalism? Fun!") Sorry, Bill. You can't kill them. But Sookie's not in any trouble. Won't you stay the night? I insist.

Cut to Sookie, Lafayette, Tara, and Tara's crazy momma. Tara REALLY wants to go save Eggs. This is not a popular thought with the rest of the room. They handcuff Tara to a coffee table using Laff's pink furry handcuffs. Tara says hateful things to everyone to show that she is not pleased with this arrangement.

Zip over to Sam, Jason and Andy, wondering what to do about Mary Ann. Jason has all the good lines in this scene: "WE have got to be the law. We need weapons." and "Sometimes you have to destroy something to save it. That's in the Bible. Or the Constitution."

Then Sam spies some dirty little kids spying on them from a window. He chases down the little munchkins and they turn out to be Arlene's offspring. Jason and Andy head off to the sherrif's office to do... something.

Back over to the Tara holding facility. Laff and Sookie are outside, where Sook gets a text from Bill that he'll be late for dinner. Sookie makes an offhand comment that she is now working for Eric. Laff is puzzled by the remark. I am too. Did I miss something.

Inside the house, Tara is really working her mom, trying to get Moms to release her. Tara: "I forgive you for everything. And that's a LOT." Then Tara and Mom get all deep with the discussion. God. Satan. Somebody knocking on a door. But all Tara really wants is to get out of the damn furry pink handcuffs.

Back to Sam and Arlene's kids. The Kids about Arlene: "She seems crazy. Kissing Terry, her eyes all weird. We need a vampire!" See, just let the kids run things, know what I'm saying? They get right to the point. They haven't learned to play stupid adult games yet.

Back to the Tara Correctional Facility. Sookie and Laff, both having drunk from Eric, are all schoolgirl giggly about the weird sex dreams they have about Eric. Then Tara's mom breaks the mood by coming outside and tricking Laff and getting his gun away from him. So then Big Momma breaks Tara out of the joint, and Tara races away in Sookie's car, AFTER she asks Sookie for the keys and Sookie gives them to her. There's some stupid up in here, y'all.

Andy and Jason arrive at the police station, where Jason pretends to be interested in a blood-eyed slut while Andy searches for weapons.

Back over to Tara's former holding cell, where Tara's mom is still waving a gun around. Sookie grabs something off a table and beans Momma good. Laff grabs the gun and they drive off, leaving Momma to contemplate a return to alcoholism.

Sam and Arlene's kids arrive at Fangtasia. Sam pays the prone-to-hysterical-screaming blonde waitress to let them in so they can wait for Eric to show up.

Quick scene with Sookie and Laff in the car, racing to Sookie's house. Sookie: "I need you to suck it up and shoot Mary Ann in the head."

Tara gets to Sookie's house before them, and finds Eggs acting all sad and lonely. Of course, he's still got the blood eyes, but Tara stupidly overlooks this and tries to comfort him. Then Mary Ann stomps into the room. Tara tries to be strong: "I want OUT. You don't want me. You want Sam." Mary Ann smiles sweetly, so you know she doesn't mean it, and says "But YOU summoned me."

Say what?

Mary Ann: You know, when you went to the crazy voodoo woman in that tacky trailer in the woods and had her do that exorcism and all? Well, somebody said the magic words at some point and here I am. Praise me.

Great. Blame the black girl just who's just trying to make a living and pay the light bill.

But Tara still wants out. Turns out all Mary Ann has to do is slap Tara. She gets all blood-eyed again and she runs upstairs with Eggs to either fornicate or play Twister. Who knows.

Then Terry and his merry band of blood-eyed cohorts arrive, all excited, and tell Mary Ann that "the one who comes" done came and smote Sam. Mary Ann is not pleased with the mental abilities of her death squad, and does a weird screechy thing to show her displeasure.

Cut to Hoyt and HIS momma, where we find out that Hoyt's daddy was not killed by robbers breaking into the house in the middle of the night. No, Daddy killed himself because he was a homosexual. ("That man liked to dance more than a normal man should.") Momma just lied about what happened so she could collect the insurance.

Poor Hoyt. Seriously.

Scene with Sookie and Laff arriving at Sookie's house, attempting to sneak in, but they are stopped by blood-eyed Terry and Arlene. Laff lures them away with drugs while Sookie races inside. (Just go with it.)

Sam finally meets with Eric at Fangtasia. Sam explains that he needs help with the maenad Mary Ann. Eric: "What's in it for me? Can you get me Sookie?" (Eric, dumbass, can you focus for two seconds?) Sam: "Until somebody starts trusting somebody we're all single targets." Pam: "That thing owes me a pair of shoes." Then Eric announces that he's going to see someone who might be able to help, and he shoots up into the sky. Okay, then. Vampires can fly. At least one of them.

Sookie sneaks into her own house (with a lovely purse on her arm, like this is charm school, what's up with that?), and there are crazy people everywhere. Someone is naked in the sink. That's pleasant. When one of the crazies on the kitchen floor starts making a lot of noise, Sookie decides to spoon with him to calm his nerves. What the hell? This scene is just stupid.

Cut back to The Queen's abode, where Queen and Bill are reviewing a lineup of various runway models to feast on. Bill is not interested. Queen: "But I need you at your best to play Yahtzee." The Queen proffers a scantily-clad male model, and Bill, perhaps out of boredom, feeds. The Queen: "I love watching two men together."

Back at Sookie's, Laff encounters Mary Ann. He tries to shoot her, but the bullet deflects and instead kills Karl, the weird chef/foot massager. Uh oh.

And back over to The Queen's, where the Yahtzee game is in full swing. Bill can't take it anymore and says he has to leave. Really, not kidding. The Queen sighs and gives in, but offers Bill some parting words of advice. The maenads are "still waiting for gods that never show." The key here is to convince Mary Ann that Dionysus has come.

Bill pauses. Really? How so? The Queen: The maenads are looking for perfect vessels. "Supernatural beings." Okay, then. There's the Sam connection. As Bill stomps out, one of The Queen's blood whores asks him, "How's my cousin Sookie?" It really IS a small world.

As Bill moodily exits, Eric arrives. There's some pointless alpha male bickering, but Bill ends it with: "I will tell The Queen that you are forcing humans to sell vampire blood." Sounds like a bitch slap to me.

Scene with Jason and Andy, where we learn that Andy is really jealous of Jason and all the ho's he bags. Typical male thing, right? Then Jason lets him know that it ain't all that. And besides, "we have got to save this town". And they floor it to Sookie's house.

Where we see that Sookie is still stupidly spooning with the crazy blood-eye on the kitchen floor. Luckily, she's apparently gotten bored with that, so she beans him with a frying pan and races upstairs.

To find Tara and Eggs in Gram's room, destroying her things and making a nest for a giant egg that's plopped in the middle of Gram's bed. Can we possibly get any weirder?

Yes, we can. Something touches Sookie on the shoulder. She turns around to find that it's Lafayette.

And he's blood-eyed.

Great.