We open where we left off, with Bill in the "reception room" of The Queen. (Does this chick have a name? I haven't caught it so far if she does.) The Queen is feeding on some reclining little bloodwhore, which explains the cryptic dripping blood we spied in the final scene from the last episode.
Turns out The Queen is very sassy, with perfectly coiffed hair. She seems to know Bill quite well. Won't you join me?
Cut to Hoyt yanking the feeding Jessica off his momma over at Bill's house. He's not happy with Jessica, and he yells some hateful things at her while storming out of the house, dragging momma along, and leaving Jessica all alone. (Dude, you need to chill. Your momma is mean and SOMEBODY had to shut her up.)
Back to Bill and The Queen. Bill just wants to know how to kill the nasty-ass Mary Ann maenad thing. The queen is intrigued about the maenad angle. ("Orgies? Sacrifice? Cannabalism? Fun!") Sorry, Bill. You can't kill them. But Sookie's not in any trouble. Won't you stay the night? I insist.
Cut to Sookie, Lafayette, Tara, and Tara's crazy momma. Tara REALLY wants to go save Eggs. This is not a popular thought with the rest of the room. They handcuff Tara to a coffee table using Laff's pink furry handcuffs. Tara says hateful things to everyone to show that she is not pleased with this arrangement.
Zip over to Sam, Jason and Andy, wondering what to do about Mary Ann. Jason has all the good lines in this scene: "WE have got to be the law. We need weapons." and "Sometimes you have to destroy something to save it. That's in the Bible. Or the Constitution."
Then Sam spies some dirty little kids spying on them from a window. He chases down the little munchkins and they turn out to be Arlene's offspring. Jason and Andy head off to the sherrif's office to do... something.
Back over to the Tara holding facility. Laff and Sookie are outside, where Sook gets a text from Bill that he'll be late for dinner. Sookie makes an offhand comment that she is now working for Eric. Laff is puzzled by the remark. I am too. Did I miss something.
Inside the house, Tara is really working her mom, trying to get Moms to release her. Tara: "I forgive you for everything. And that's a LOT." Then Tara and Mom get all deep with the discussion. God. Satan. Somebody knocking on a door. But all Tara really wants is to get out of the damn furry pink handcuffs.
Back to Sam and Arlene's kids. The Kids about Arlene: "She seems crazy. Kissing Terry, her eyes all weird. We need a vampire!" See, just let the kids run things, know what I'm saying? They get right to the point. They haven't learned to play stupid adult games yet.
Back to the Tara Correctional Facility. Sookie and Laff, both having drunk from Eric, are all schoolgirl giggly about the weird sex dreams they have about Eric. Then Tara's mom breaks the mood by coming outside and tricking Laff and getting his gun away from him. So then Big Momma breaks Tara out of the joint, and Tara races away in Sookie's car, AFTER she asks Sookie for the keys and Sookie gives them to her. There's some stupid up in here, y'all.
Andy and Jason arrive at the police station, where Jason pretends to be interested in a blood-eyed slut while Andy searches for weapons.
Back over to Tara's former holding cell, where Tara's mom is still waving a gun around. Sookie grabs something off a table and beans Momma good. Laff grabs the gun and they drive off, leaving Momma to contemplate a return to alcoholism.
Sam and Arlene's kids arrive at Fangtasia. Sam pays the prone-to-hysterical-screaming blonde waitress to let them in so they can wait for Eric to show up.
Quick scene with Sookie and Laff in the car, racing to Sookie's house. Sookie: "I need you to suck it up and shoot Mary Ann in the head."
Tara gets to Sookie's house before them, and finds Eggs acting all sad and lonely. Of course, he's still got the blood eyes, but Tara stupidly overlooks this and tries to comfort him. Then Mary Ann stomps into the room. Tara tries to be strong: "I want OUT. You don't want me. You want Sam." Mary Ann smiles sweetly, so you know she doesn't mean it, and says "But YOU summoned me."
Say what?
Mary Ann: You know, when you went to the crazy voodoo woman in that tacky trailer in the woods and had her do that exorcism and all? Well, somebody said the magic words at some point and here I am. Praise me.
Great. Blame the black girl just who's just trying to make a living and pay the light bill.
But Tara still wants out. Turns out all Mary Ann has to do is slap Tara. She gets all blood-eyed again and she runs upstairs with Eggs to either fornicate or play Twister. Who knows.
Then Terry and his merry band of blood-eyed cohorts arrive, all excited, and tell Mary Ann that "the one who comes" done came and smote Sam. Mary Ann is not pleased with the mental abilities of her death squad, and does a weird screechy thing to show her displeasure.
Cut to Hoyt and HIS momma, where we find out that Hoyt's daddy was not killed by robbers breaking into the house in the middle of the night. No, Daddy killed himself because he was a homosexual. ("That man liked to dance more than a normal man should.") Momma just lied about what happened so she could collect the insurance.
Poor Hoyt. Seriously.
Scene with Sookie and Laff arriving at Sookie's house, attempting to sneak in, but they are stopped by blood-eyed Terry and Arlene. Laff lures them away with drugs while Sookie races inside. (Just go with it.)
Sam finally meets with Eric at Fangtasia. Sam explains that he needs help with the maenad Mary Ann. Eric: "What's in it for me? Can you get me Sookie?" (Eric, dumbass, can you focus for two seconds?) Sam: "Until somebody starts trusting somebody we're all single targets." Pam: "That thing owes me a pair of shoes." Then Eric announces that he's going to see someone who might be able to help, and he shoots up into the sky. Okay, then. Vampires can fly. At least one of them.
Sookie sneaks into her own house (with a lovely purse on her arm, like this is charm school, what's up with that?), and there are crazy people everywhere. Someone is naked in the sink. That's pleasant. When one of the crazies on the kitchen floor starts making a lot of noise, Sookie decides to spoon with him to calm his nerves. What the hell? This scene is just stupid.
Cut back to The Queen's abode, where Queen and Bill are reviewing a lineup of various runway models to feast on. Bill is not interested. Queen: "But I need you at your best to play Yahtzee." The Queen proffers a scantily-clad male model, and Bill, perhaps out of boredom, feeds. The Queen: "I love watching two men together."
Back at Sookie's, Laff encounters Mary Ann. He tries to shoot her, but the bullet deflects and instead kills Karl, the weird chef/foot massager. Uh oh.
And back over to The Queen's, where the Yahtzee game is in full swing. Bill can't take it anymore and says he has to leave. Really, not kidding. The Queen sighs and gives in, but offers Bill some parting words of advice. The maenads are "still waiting for gods that never show." The key here is to convince Mary Ann that Dionysus has come.
Bill pauses. Really? How so? The Queen: The maenads are looking for perfect vessels. "Supernatural beings." Okay, then. There's the Sam connection. As Bill stomps out, one of The Queen's blood whores asks him, "How's my cousin Sookie?" It really IS a small world.
As Bill moodily exits, Eric arrives. There's some pointless alpha male bickering, but Bill ends it with: "I will tell The Queen that you are forcing humans to sell vampire blood." Sounds like a bitch slap to me.
Scene with Jason and Andy, where we learn that Andy is really jealous of Jason and all the ho's he bags. Typical male thing, right? Then Jason lets him know that it ain't all that. And besides, "we have got to save this town". And they floor it to Sookie's house.
Where we see that Sookie is still stupidly spooning with the crazy blood-eye on the kitchen floor. Luckily, she's apparently gotten bored with that, so she beans him with a frying pan and races upstairs.
To find Tara and Eggs in Gram's room, destroying her things and making a nest for a giant egg that's plopped in the middle of Gram's bed. Can we possibly get any weirder?
Yes, we can. Something touches Sookie on the shoulder. She turns around to find that it's Lafayette.
And he's blood-eyed.
Great.
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