And, here we go again with another gang of city folk who are totally stunned to learn that it's just not all that fun starving to death on a crappy island where people lie to you and send you home just when you least expect it. And at least half of them are wearing high heels and/or business suits. People! Dress like you're going to be living in the wilderness, which you are, not like you're off to see "Cats" on Broadway.
Normally, the first episode of each Survivor season is very confusing because half the people look like each other, you don't know any names yet, and nobody has really had time to do anything for you to determine if you like them or hate them.
Well, this time around, three people immediately stood out, and I'm already completely sick of them. One of them is just annoying so far, and I'd be satisfied with a quick eviction for her. The other two are complete jerks that need to be slowly beaten to death with a coconut and then shoved out to sea. Actually, that would be too good for them, but at least it's a start.
The annoying one is Shannon. As soon as she and her mullet bouffant hairdo made their debut, I knew I was going to have issues. She's a former marine sergeant (nothing wrong with that, just filling in the details), rides a Harley, has apparently never seen herself in a mirror, and the only thing BIGGER than her hair is her neurotic belief that everyone in the world loves her and wants to be her best friend.
Oh, and she goes by the nickname "Shambo". As in Shannon and Rambo. Nice, huh? I would imagine this woman has never worn a thong in her life.
Then we have Ben, the self-proclaimed "hillbilly" from Kirksville, Missouri. (That sound you hear is millions of Missourians packing up and moving one state over to escape the shame. Any state will do.) There's nothing appealling about this guy. (In my notes, I actually scribbled "guy from MO kills things and calls people candy asses". That pretty much sums him up.)
Now, some of you may have not noticed that Ben is so distasteful, probably because he was overshadowed by the jaw-dropping antics of the Ultimate Ass on the show: Russell H. (Yes, there are two Russells this season. Maybe even more, it was the first episode, still learning.) I'll get to Russell's disgusting actions as we go along.
So anyway, here we go with the play-by-play.
The survivors all paddle up on some stupid log-boat things and gather on the beach. They've already been split into tribes (Galu and Foa Foa), but then Jeff makes each tribe pick a leader based on first impressions. Galu picks the other Russell, "Russell S", to be their honcho. Foa Foa picks Mick, a doctor from Los Angeles.
Then Jeff has each new tribe leader pick four tribe mates based on the attributes of swimming ability, strength, agility and smarts. Then they get ready for the first reward challenge, with the prize being flint for fire.
Now, while all of this is going on, I am mesmerized and stunned by Shambo and her hair as she frolics around the beach. I have to rewind to catch some of the dialogue. In the middle of this, Russell H has a sidebar where he states: "I plan on making it as miserable as possible. Making it hell for everybody to get what I want." So I already hate him, and we're barely seven minutes into the season.
They have the reward challenge, with people swimming and running and carrying things and walking on beams and doing a puzzle. Typical Survivor stuff. And Foa Foa manages to win, so that tribe gets to jump around and high-five while the Galu tribe gets to stand there and look sad and itchy. Typical Survivor stuff.
Everybody heads off to their camps.
At Foa Foa, everybody starts clambering around trying to do "setting up camp" things. Except Russell H. ("I didn't come here to work.") Instead, he moseys around to all the females one at a time, (he calls them "dumb girls"), and swears an alliance with each of them, christening them the "dumb ass girl alliance" in a sidebar. Isn't he a sweet guy?
The only female who deosn't fully take the bait is Betsy, a police office, probably because she's older and can see right through him. And she does, commenting in a sidebar that she "doesn't trust Russell". So I immediately want her to win the whole thing just for that comment, seriously.
Cut over to the Galu camp, where they are trying to build a shelter, but they are stymied by John (who really IS a rocket scientist) spending WAY too much time planning and not enough time "doing". Shambo and her hair are not impressed with this, so we see lots of reaction shots of her rolling her eyes and getting twitchy.
In the middle of all this getting nowhere business, John suggests they take a break and go swimming. Everybody races off to do so. Except Shambo. She sits on the bank and bitches. Okay, Hair Girl, rule number one: Do NOT make yourself an outcast. If everybody wants to do a certain social activity, then you damn well better act excited about it, too, even if you have no desire to do so. Throw your ass in the water and act like it's the most fun you've ever had, even if you can feel unseen creatures chewing off your toes.
Then we're back to the Foa Foa camp. It's night now, and bastard Russell H is telling everyone a very sad story about him being stuck in New Orleans during Katrina, where he was a fireman trapped on his roof for two days and his dog died. He has some of the girls in tears with the tale. Then in a sidebar he tells us he completely made it up. "It's crazy how you can break their hearts by telling them a lie."
This man is just horrible.
But it gets worse. While the rest of the tribe is asleep, Russell H empties all the canteens and starts throwing other tribe mates' socks into the fire, laughing and having the best time while doing it. Of course, when morning comes, the whole tribe is in an uproar trying to figure out what happened.
Okay, I have a big problem with this part of Russell's business. This guy is pouring out their drinking water and burning their clothes. This is not just dirty gameplay, this is potentially affecting the health of the other players. (You NEED water and clothing to survive.) Why aren't the producers stepping in and pulling Russell out of the game just for that? Hello?
Then we're off to the Immunity challenge. While the nice Russell is trying to motivate his Galu tribe with positive statements, hillbilly Ben on Foa Foa yells out nasty things like "those are things losers say". Ben's a class act, let me tell ya.
Happily, Ben's hatefullness spurs on Galu, and they manage to win the challenge. Galu is safe, and someone from Foa Foa is going home. (And I immediately start lighting candles that it will be either Russell H or Ben that gets the boot.)
So we're back at the Foa Foa camp, for the scrambling discussions on who is going home. We get a sidebar with Mike, who is 62, which is not necessarily a reason for him to go, but he's also, um, not very slender, to put it politely. And he's babbling about wanting to send home the weakest player. Then I believe he belches as he reaches for a turkey leg. Somebody get this guy a mirror. And make sure he shares it with Shambo.
Marisa, one of the "dumb ass girls" although she doesn't know it, doesn't have a warm fuzzy about Russell H. She didn't buy his Katrina story, suspecting that he made it up. (Good for you!) But then she approaches Russell to tell him she's not comfortable with him going to everybody and making alliances. It makes her feel uncomfortable. (Not so good for you, Marisa, because this guy is a tool.)
And, of course, Russell can't stand anyone challenging him. So he immediately goes to every other tribe member and tells them that Marisa has got to go. See, Marisa is playing fair by approaching the person she has concerns about, instead of running around behind his back. Honest sportsmanship. Which is what most people would want. But there's not a decent bone in Russell's body.
Some of his sidebar commentary:
"How do you come to me and threaten me and telling me that you feel uncomfortable. Marisa is the dumbest player I've ever seen."
"My tribe will believe anything I tell them at any point because they're just stupid. They'll run when I tell them to run. They'll walk when I tell them to walk and when I'm finished with them, just throw them in the trash."
I would imagine that by this point in the show that Russell's mom, assuming that she's not a jackal, is way beyond shame that she gave birth to this thing.
Tribal Council.
Betsy, who is still not buying the Russell show and has been quitely speaking her mind to a few of the players, tries to single out Ashley as the weakest link. This enrages Russell, and he attacks Marisa, totally twisting how their conversation played out. He tag teams with hillbilly Ben, who also goes after Marisa, for no real reason other than she's a woman who actually speaks her mind, and such a thing is just not in Ben's bible. (Ben is single in real life. Surprised?)
Marisa speaks intelligently in her defense, far more so than the two neanderthals, but it's a lost cause. She goes home with 7 out of the 10 votes.
Jeff Probst, in the offhand way that he has, tries to let the tribe know that they've really got issues (meaning Russell) and they need to work things out (meaning Russell). Then the tribe shuffles off to camp.
So here's what I'm thinking at this point. Russell, especially when buddied up with hillbilly Ben, could go a long way. On the other hand, Russell has been so aggressively venomous, that surely these people will figure it out. A few of them already have, but sadly one of them is already gone.
Just a thought: Maybe the Foa Foa tribe will come to their senses and actually lose an immunity challenge just to send Russell home. It's happened before with other jerks. I'm not a fan of losing on purpose, it can seriously bite you in the end. You always want to win.
Then again, how much damage can Russell do to the decent folk before he's taken out? Something to consider.
And something else: Russell, in one episode, has already topped the infamous Johnny Fairplay's evildoings in his entire season.
Take him out, people.
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