Well, Julie’s here, so there will be some bag-packing and a dramatic exit.
The live audience is here as well, which makes my skin crawl. Three of the members actually turned handsprings and juggled kumquats while Julie was reading the TelePrompter. Sadly, none of them were injured.
First we have the recap of last night’s episode, nothing that we haven’t seen before, but Announcer Guy tempts us with “tempers flaring and lies revealed” on tonight’s episode. That sounds beer-worthy, so I run to the kitchen to grab one. I’m sure I’m the only person in America who consumes alcohol whilst gazing upon stupidity, right?
Anyway, back to Julie, carefully positioning herself in front of the cameras for maximum lighting so we can see that it looks like she snagged the shoulder of her dress in a sausage grinder. She babbles a bit, mostly about Matty doing a risky thing, then we finally get inside the house.
Right away we have Monet in the Diary Room, calling Rachel a “complete stupid bimbo”, because that’s all Monet knows how to do. Then she and Britney have a bitch-fest in the swamp room, vowing to get Rachel. Perhaps they are missing the point that if Monet goes home, their tirade is pointless. The maggots in the jars nod in agreement.
Rachel in the Diary Room, explaining why she picked Matty. “This way Monet gets the hell out of this house. She’s gotta go.” We also learn that no one has spoken to Rachel about using her Indoor Voice. Does she yell like this because the slot machines are so loud in Vegas?
Matty in the Diary Room: “I’m just sittin’ pretty and waiting for Monet to go home. I totally orchestrated everything.” The Brigade “is a powerhouse alliance.” Then he and Lane high-five in the pantry room after Matty fondles a phallic-shaped vegetable.
Cut to Britney, crying in one of the rooms while a lonesome country instrumental plays in the background. Monet comes in, face all scrunched up, wailing as well. “I hate everyone in this house.” Then they itemize all the stupid people around them, especially Rachel. Monet: “She’s lucky she didn’t get my fist upside her head.” You so street, girl. Not.
Matty comes in, acting like he was totally surprised by his nomination. Then he rants about how Rachel and Brendon are going to get what’s coming to them. (In the Diary Room: “I’m just having a little fun with them until Monet gets kicked out of the house.” You know what, dude? I want Monet to go, but your little “I’m untouchable” ego is getting on my nerves. Just shut up and wait for the vote.)
Hayden in the Diary room, slurring about his showmance with Kristen. (Apparently there had been some wine at some point.) Kristen, in her Taxi Cab, I mean Diary Room confession, confirms that her woman parts are all tingly about Hayden. Then we see some night-vision scenes where they paw at each other, during which Kristen apparently, um, heads south for the winter.
Andrew in the Diary Room: “Who do they think they’re foolin? I’m five feet away. It’s like trying to fall asleep listening to a dirty movie.”
Rachel approaches Kristen and Hayden, babbling about Britney and Monet thinking they have Kristen’s vote. This appears to be a surprise to Kristen as she wears her over-sized chic sunglasses inside the house. “That’s a joke. Who told you that?” Rachel: “Britney.”
Cut to the Diary Room. Rachel fesses that she totally made that up, just wanting to see where Kristen stands. Girl, don’t tell needless lies like that. Bite you on the ass, sayin.
Later, Kristen confronts Britney on the patio. Did you say something about having my vote? Britney, twirling her hair because she just can’t stop touching herself: “I never said that or even thought it.” More discussion. Britney calls Monet over. Then Kristen releases the first round in the civil war. “I just don’t want Matt to think I’m against him.”
Monet, indignant: “Why?”
Kristen: “Because Matt doesn’t deserve to go home over you. That‘s the bottom line.”
Uh oh. (Kathy stubs out her cigarette and races into the house to find Rachel, who is sprawled out on one of the beds and pretending to be Norma Jean Baker. “I guess you should go talk to Britney.”)
Rachel impresses me very much by marching out to the patio, and telling Monet exactly why she’s on the block. You’re gunning for me, you won ten thousand dollars, and you haven’t talked to me in 13 days. Monet whines about “I didn’t say that it was personal” (not to Rachel’s face, but you did) and “Don’t come out here like I’m a bitch.” Look, Delusionetta, you ARE. But Rachel comes back with this perfect retort: “I never said you were a bitch. I don’t call girls bitches, actually, Monet. Because I don’t use that derogatory term.”
Which leaves Monet standing there looking like an idiot, and Britney trying to burrow under her chair, because every other word out of their mouths is that exact term.
Requisite scene with Monet bawling in the Diary Room and threatening to punch Rachel. Poor thing. It’s tough when people call you out. Boo hoo.
Quick scene with Julie. Monet’s back is against the wall, but with a pawn on the block, anything is possible. True. But maybe what you should actually say is “with Big Brother editing, anything can SEEM possible.”
Britney and Rachel in the HOH. Britney is basically trying save herself from being a future target, sobbing and such. Rachel, feeling bad and thinking that maybe she can turn Britney around to her side, spills that Matty volunteered to go up as a pawn. (Oh no.) “Because I wanted to put Andrew up.” (Oh no, part two.)
Britney’s eyes light up. (And her tears instantly dry, so that was all fake.) “Did Matt tell you he wouldn’t come after you or Brendon?” Rachel: “Yep.” Britney, laughing: “Matt’s playing the game, Rachel. He has been acting like he is SO pissed at you for putting him up.”
Rachel’s jaw drops and her eyes narrow. Here we go.
And she decides to call a house meeting.
Everybody gathers in the couch room, except Andrew who is observing a religious holiday. Rachel: “I feel like someone is playing both sides of the house right now.” She fesses that Matt approached her about using him as a pawn. Matt tries to lie about it, but Brendon has Rachel’s back. Monet goes ballistic with Matt, accusing him of lying about being mad over the nomination.
Matt keeps lying as tempers boil and voices rise (we see a brief shot of Andrew losing his place with the religious ceremony in the other room). Matt says Rachel and Brendon were pressuring him. (Dude, you came up with that pawn thing out of NOWHERE.) Rachel: “Did you, or did you not, tell Rachel and Britney that you were coming after us?”
Matt: “Yes. If anyone in this house thinks you two shouldn’t be targets for next week, they’re idiots for sure.” Then everything explodes. People are hollering like it’s a tailgate party at the Dallas Cowboys stadium. Matt just keeps lying about what took place. Then he claims that he’s not in an alliance. “Anybody here wanna say I’m in an alliance with them?”
Crickets chirp as The Brigade members stare at the ground. Then Enzo, because he doesn’t have any sense, claims there “isn’t another side of the house”. Right. Dude, that’s another ass-biter. Just keep your mouth shut. Even though I don’t like you. Then Monet storms off, saying that the performance Matty gave when he said he was mad about the nomination was off the charts, and he will come after every one of you.
Wow.
Back to Julie with the irritating live studio audience. She talks to the houseguests as they nervously wait in the couch room. She asks her normal inane questions and we don’t learn anything of interest, with everybody pretending to be friends even though they aren’t.
Brief scene with Julie interviewing Rachel in the HOH Room. She basically laughs a lot, but says that if she had to choose between the money or Brendon, she would take her man. Awww. But really, a two-week love affair versus 500K? Uh….
The nominees make their “save me” speeches. Monet’s is really short. Vote what you think is best. Matty goes on much longer, doing the homeboy thing and calling Julie “The Chenbot”, which she really hates, so you know that she pushed the secret button on that dang controller thing she’s always carrying, sending a signal to have him crushed in a painful way.
Time to vote.
7 people vote for Monet. Britney and Kathy (interesting) vote for Matt. The Kathy vote puts a little flame to the Internet rumors that Kathy is Britney’s mom, and is therefore the “prior relationship” in the house. Anyway, Monet is going bye-bye. And she bolts out of the house, not even bothering to hug Britney. Because she’s such a good sport.
Julie calls her on that. What up? Monet told Britney and Kathy goodbye before the ceremony, because she didn’t want to spend any of her departure time with people who didn’t vote to keep her. (Cop-out.) Julie: “Do you regret any of the horrible things you said about Rachel?” Monet: “Not especially.”
Then go home, girl. And see what your momma thinks about all this.
Time for the live Head of Household competition.
We have folks standing on surfboards sticking out of a wall. Basically, you just have to stay on it. But there’s a catch. The first five to tumble will be the “Haves” for the next week, meaning all the food, wine and Alka-Seltzer that they want. The next five will be the “Have Nots”, with the last dropper being HOH. Ready, go!
Water starts pouring on them, making things all slippery. Instantly, Britney complains about the water, Matty thinks he can control the water because he’s in Mensa, Lane isn’t sure what water IS, Kathy hopes the water doesn’t put her cigarette out, and Enzo wants the water to call him “Meow-Meow.”
Julie: “It’s going to be a LONG night.”
Roll end credits.
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