JR and Bobby are still flopping around in the pool. But Ray and Clayton jump in and stop Bobby before he kills JR. (Dang it. And seriously. CLAY jumps in? Exactly how is he supposed to help?)
Just afterwards, with everyone still dripping, Bobby and Sue Ellen are alone for a moment, and you can tell by Sue Ellen's eyes that she's pretty certain Bobby was yelling the truth about Lisa. But she asks him to confirm anyway, and he does.
Cut to Miss Ellie wanting to spend more time with Clay. He just sits there, looking distant, apparently wanting to spend more time with people who aren't named Miss Ellie.
Sue Ellen confronts JR. "You are DIRT!" Then she tears into him about other things. "Wouldn't it be funny if your plans include getting rid of me for Westar?" Nail on the head, sister. Bingo.
Casey Denault and Sly at her desk, with him actually asking her out on a date. Just WHERE are the producers going with this angle? Just trying to burn up the rest of Andrew Stevens' contract?
Bobby talks to Dave Culver. That getting back the Ewing name thing? Seems to be right on track. (Still wondering. Why does Dave even care?)
JR confronts Lisa in her apartment. He tells her she doesn't live here anymore, he's got a one-way ticket for her to go home. She's not exactly pleased with this announcement. Why? JR: "This was all to get Bobby in on Westar." Lisa: What if I stay? JR: "I'll have you escorted out." So then she calls him a bastard, but since she's the 207th actress on the show to do so, it's really not that exciting.
Cliff is all hyped up, his pipeline has finally been connected. He tells Jackie to set up a party. Then he calls Lisa and finds out the line has been disconnected, and gets all depressed. Cliff is the reason why mood stabilizers were invented.
Nick arrives at Sue Ellen's office to talk about "business". Sue Ellen is wearing the most enormous shoulder pads known to mankind. They are WAY beyond the normal line-backer pads she normally wears. She is now a plane circling the airport.
And I miss most of what they say, because I'm scared of her, but they kind of make up a bit and plan to have some nookie tomorrow night.
Clayton meets with the artist who created the painting that featured Laurel as the model. The artist explains that he's just friends with Laurel, nothing more, but he would like to know what Clay's intentions are. Clayton bristles: "You're not gonna throw dirt on this!"
Then why did you have this meeting? Geez.
April finally meets with the skittish private investigator from New York. He exlains that the Lombardi family was definitely in the mob, and that the whole family disappeared 20 years ago after the Daddy was arrested and then died in jail. Interesting.
Ray and Jenna discussing hormonal Charly, with Ray wearing a magical towel that just barely covers his bits as he energetically leaps about the room, promising but not quite fulfilling on the possibility of a flash. Jenna's a little blue about the strength of their relationship, but Ray promises her: "I stay committed." (Like you were with Donna, Ray?)
Bobby and April are dancing at some club, and she's about to spill what she knows about Nick, but then dumbass JR walks up and tries telling Bobby that he saved the day by getting Lisa out of town. Bobby: "Calling off your own game makes you some kind of hero?"
Clayton meets with Laurel again, and he brings her tea, which I guess is a very fine thing to do when dealing with British people. But Laurel quickly gets to a point: "Are you using me as a substitute for getting on with your life?" Clay just sits there and looks distant, like he'd rather be with people who are not named Miss Ellie or Laurel.
Quick scene with Bobby telling Christopher that Lisa has left town and we'll have no more problems with her. Translation: Christopher, prepare to be kidnapped or violated in some way.
Sue Ellen shows up at Nick's for some lovin', but it quickly turns into a fight when she announces that she can't stay the night. So there's lots of dissatisfaction and stomping off, but at least she's wearing calmer shoulder pads and no one is in physical danger.
JR meets with Kimberly, and she tells him: "Either you want Westar and me, or you don't."
Cut to South Fork, where Clayton finally gives Miss Ellie a belated anniversary present that is something shiny and gaudy that she would never wear. Not really one from the heart, which increases her budding suspicions about what Clay might be up to.
Jenna meets with a reluctant Bobby. Jenna: "You have to forget what I said about being in love with you." Oh sure, that's easy. Jenna: "Do this for Ray!" Right. That's great reasoning. Jenna, perhaps we should speak with someone about that ugly bowl-cut hairdo you've been sporting for too long now. It does nothing for you, irritates everyone else, and is apparently causing some mental issues that need attention.
Over to Cliff's celebratory pipeline party, where there's just not a whole lot of people. Pretty sparse, actually. And Cliff is all despondent because he can't find Lisa. Perhaps you should check with your mortal enemy JR, the one you are stupidly involved with in this Westar crapfest?
Then we have Casey and Sly on their first date. During the initial conversation, Sly fesses up that she had a boyfriend for a long time, but he's gone now. (Okay, WE never saw him, what's up with that?) Then Casey starts to gently dig into how Sly started working for JR. So, he IS up to something after all. Hmmm.
Back to Cliff's underpopulated party. He's drunk, he's dissatisfied, and he's mean to the few people who showed up out of sympathy. We've seen him like this a thousand times. Next.
We end with a scene at April's apartment, where JR wants her to buy more Westar stock. She is not in the least interested in that. So JR brings up the Holly Harwood thing, and explains that Bobby does not take sloppy seconds with a woman that JR has had first. And he threatens to tell Bobby that he's already HAD April if she doesn't BUY MORE STOCK!
JR is proof that pigs can walk on two feet just fine.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
#68 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 24
Jeff in the Diary Room: "Let's go to war!"
I'm sure he intends to do something to save himself, but really, Chima and Russell are long gone. There may be some fireworks, but we're talking sparklers here, not roman candles.
Natalie and Kevin hook up with Jeff in the pantry and tell him he's completely safe, it's all for show. But of course he's not safe. (Natalie in the Diary Room: "I have no problem with lying straight to his face" Natalie, you have no problem lying, period. How old did you tell everybody you are?)
Scenes of Michele and Jordan being really sad.
Scenes of Jeff and Jordan being really sad.
Then Kevin prances into his HOH Room, and lo and behold, there's a new door in one of the walls, with a big ole question mark on it. A handy card explains that if someone goes in the room, something good or bad could happen to them or the house.
Kevin pauses 2.5 seconds, then decides he's going in. ("I'm a greedy bitch!", then he does a cute little clap.) Inside, there's a big box machine thing with a place for Kevin to stick his little Asian hand. He does so, something grabs it, he screams, and suddenly dollar bills start pouring out of the sky in the courtyard.
Jordan in the Diary Room, babbling about how her daddy was always telling her that money don't grow on trees. "Dad, you're very wrong."
Conveniently, there's a monitor next to Kevin so he can see the courtyard, where Natalie, Jeff and Michele are whooping it up, racing around, grabbing bills, and shoving them into their panties and whatnot. Jeff opens the glass doors and yells for Jordan to get the hell out here, so now all the house guests are raking in the bucks while Kevin is straddling a box in the HOH Room.
The monitor then tells Kevin that there's a key hidden somewhere in the house that will free him. He starts yelling, but it takes a while for the scampering house guests in the courtyard to even think about Kevin.
Natalie finally goes looking, follows his hollering to the HOH Room, and Kevin tells her that she needs to find the key to set him free. Then Kevin watches on the monitor as Natalie goes right back to the courtyard and starts grabbing bills again. Bitch. (And you need to remember that, Kevin.)
Then Jeff decides something isn't right, and finds Kevin as well. This time Kevin lies (Kevin would lie? really? I know you're shocked) and tells Jeff that "the only way you can keep the money is find the key." So Jeff promptly marches downstairs, finds the key rather easily, throws it in his cash bucket, and marches back out side.
Kevin is not impressed seeing this on the monitor. But really, Kevster, all you said was "find the key to keep the money". You didn't say "find the key and then UNLOCK my ass and you can keep the money." You gotta be clear, girl, especially when you're dealing with Jeff.
Eventually Natalie and Jeff release Kevin, who manages to scrape up a few bucks before it's all gone. Then it's time for the Veto Competition.
It's another of those race-against-the-clock things where they morph two house guest faces and you have to figure the two out and hit a buzzer. As usual, some of the combos are pretty butt-ugly, and Natalie finally says something that I actually found funny: "I promise America that I will never have a child with Michele."
And Michelle wins! Great for her. Not so great for Jeff and Jordan, considering the dynamics in the house right now.
Then Jeff totally screws up. Everyone is running around congratulating Michele, because you are SUPPOSED to do this even if it's your worst enemy that just won. And Michele is actually the one that approaches Jeff, trying to say "sorry". And what does he do? Yells at her "Get away from me" and stomps off.
You stupid, childish idiot.
Never mind that it was totally uncalled for, very unfair, and just plain wrong. Jeff has now dissed Michele in front of everybody. And dude, you NEED her vote and her support. You think she's gonna give it to you NOW?
You should have sucked it up and played it cool. As my partner Terry yelled from the other couch, "You got GOT!" Yep. Jeff just tumbled on my ratings chart.
Amazingly, we then see Jeff in the Diary Room: "I'll take all the blame and not talk smack." Uh, little late for that, don't you think?
Natalie and Kevin, all hopped up and excited: "Jeff is GONE!"
But then Kevin in the Diary Room: Natalie "keeps saying she'll win HOH next week. Natalie hasn't won ANYTHING." We know this. Why are you still listening to her?
Michele and Jeff in the courtyard. Michele: "I'm gonna fight to keep you." Oh really? (Michele in the Diary Room: "I NEED him.") Michele tells Jeff he really needs to start campaigning. With the odds in the house, there's really only one option here. She doesn't say it, but Jeff does: "Jordan's gotta go?"
If you want to win, she does.
Luckily for Jeff's conscience (I'm assuming he still has one despite what he did to Michele), Jordan has a glass of wine and loosens up enough to tell Jeff: "I haven't done ANYTHING to be here. You can win if you stay."
There's your open door, bud.
Kevin and Michele, with Michele really pushing to keep Jeff, and slamming the prospects with Natalie. ("She has friends in the jury house." True dat.) Kevin: "I know Natalie will dispose of me" when she's ready. Michele: Keep Jeff, and he can get rid of Natalie for you. No blood.
That Michele gal is pretty dang smart, hoo boy.
So we get to the Veto Meeting. Naturally, Michele takes herself off. And Kevin puts up Jordan. No surprise.
Natalie gets all cocky in the Diary Room. She thinks she's won this thing already. Really. Can't. Stand. Her.
Final shot is Jordan in the Diary Room: "I want Jeff to stay here over me."
So, unless there's some major political maneuvering before Thursday's live eviction, here's how it's going to play out. Natalie will vote to evict Jeff. Michele will vote to evict Jordan. Which means Kevin has to break the tie.
Do we really think Kevin has the balls to risk the wrath of Natalie and send Jordan home instead? And to be fair, on the flip side, is it a smart move for Kevin to keep Jeff in the house? Kevin's decision could actually set him up to win the game. Or completely lose it for him. (It's all about who is in the jury house, people, and how they got there.)
We'll find out on Thursday.
I'm sure he intends to do something to save himself, but really, Chima and Russell are long gone. There may be some fireworks, but we're talking sparklers here, not roman candles.
Natalie and Kevin hook up with Jeff in the pantry and tell him he's completely safe, it's all for show. But of course he's not safe. (Natalie in the Diary Room: "I have no problem with lying straight to his face" Natalie, you have no problem lying, period. How old did you tell everybody you are?)
Scenes of Michele and Jordan being really sad.
Scenes of Jeff and Jordan being really sad.
Then Kevin prances into his HOH Room, and lo and behold, there's a new door in one of the walls, with a big ole question mark on it. A handy card explains that if someone goes in the room, something good or bad could happen to them or the house.
Kevin pauses 2.5 seconds, then decides he's going in. ("I'm a greedy bitch!", then he does a cute little clap.) Inside, there's a big box machine thing with a place for Kevin to stick his little Asian hand. He does so, something grabs it, he screams, and suddenly dollar bills start pouring out of the sky in the courtyard.
Jordan in the Diary Room, babbling about how her daddy was always telling her that money don't grow on trees. "Dad, you're very wrong."
Conveniently, there's a monitor next to Kevin so he can see the courtyard, where Natalie, Jeff and Michele are whooping it up, racing around, grabbing bills, and shoving them into their panties and whatnot. Jeff opens the glass doors and yells for Jordan to get the hell out here, so now all the house guests are raking in the bucks while Kevin is straddling a box in the HOH Room.
The monitor then tells Kevin that there's a key hidden somewhere in the house that will free him. He starts yelling, but it takes a while for the scampering house guests in the courtyard to even think about Kevin.
Natalie finally goes looking, follows his hollering to the HOH Room, and Kevin tells her that she needs to find the key to set him free. Then Kevin watches on the monitor as Natalie goes right back to the courtyard and starts grabbing bills again. Bitch. (And you need to remember that, Kevin.)
Then Jeff decides something isn't right, and finds Kevin as well. This time Kevin lies (Kevin would lie? really? I know you're shocked) and tells Jeff that "the only way you can keep the money is find the key." So Jeff promptly marches downstairs, finds the key rather easily, throws it in his cash bucket, and marches back out side.
Kevin is not impressed seeing this on the monitor. But really, Kevster, all you said was "find the key to keep the money". You didn't say "find the key and then UNLOCK my ass and you can keep the money." You gotta be clear, girl, especially when you're dealing with Jeff.
Eventually Natalie and Jeff release Kevin, who manages to scrape up a few bucks before it's all gone. Then it's time for the Veto Competition.
It's another of those race-against-the-clock things where they morph two house guest faces and you have to figure the two out and hit a buzzer. As usual, some of the combos are pretty butt-ugly, and Natalie finally says something that I actually found funny: "I promise America that I will never have a child with Michele."
And Michelle wins! Great for her. Not so great for Jeff and Jordan, considering the dynamics in the house right now.
Then Jeff totally screws up. Everyone is running around congratulating Michele, because you are SUPPOSED to do this even if it's your worst enemy that just won. And Michele is actually the one that approaches Jeff, trying to say "sorry". And what does he do? Yells at her "Get away from me" and stomps off.
You stupid, childish idiot.
Never mind that it was totally uncalled for, very unfair, and just plain wrong. Jeff has now dissed Michele in front of everybody. And dude, you NEED her vote and her support. You think she's gonna give it to you NOW?
You should have sucked it up and played it cool. As my partner Terry yelled from the other couch, "You got GOT!" Yep. Jeff just tumbled on my ratings chart.
Amazingly, we then see Jeff in the Diary Room: "I'll take all the blame and not talk smack." Uh, little late for that, don't you think?
Natalie and Kevin, all hopped up and excited: "Jeff is GONE!"
But then Kevin in the Diary Room: Natalie "keeps saying she'll win HOH next week. Natalie hasn't won ANYTHING." We know this. Why are you still listening to her?
Michele and Jeff in the courtyard. Michele: "I'm gonna fight to keep you." Oh really? (Michele in the Diary Room: "I NEED him.") Michele tells Jeff he really needs to start campaigning. With the odds in the house, there's really only one option here. She doesn't say it, but Jeff does: "Jordan's gotta go?"
If you want to win, she does.
Luckily for Jeff's conscience (I'm assuming he still has one despite what he did to Michele), Jordan has a glass of wine and loosens up enough to tell Jeff: "I haven't done ANYTHING to be here. You can win if you stay."
There's your open door, bud.
Kevin and Michele, with Michele really pushing to keep Jeff, and slamming the prospects with Natalie. ("She has friends in the jury house." True dat.) Kevin: "I know Natalie will dispose of me" when she's ready. Michele: Keep Jeff, and he can get rid of Natalie for you. No blood.
That Michele gal is pretty dang smart, hoo boy.
So we get to the Veto Meeting. Naturally, Michele takes herself off. And Kevin puts up Jordan. No surprise.
Natalie gets all cocky in the Diary Room. She thinks she's won this thing already. Really. Can't. Stand. Her.
Final shot is Jordan in the Diary Room: "I want Jeff to stay here over me."
So, unless there's some major political maneuvering before Thursday's live eviction, here's how it's going to play out. Natalie will vote to evict Jeff. Michele will vote to evict Jordan. Which means Kevin has to break the tie.
Do we really think Kevin has the balls to risk the wrath of Natalie and send Jordan home instead? And to be fair, on the flip side, is it a smart move for Kevin to keep Jeff in the house? Kevin's decision could actually set him up to win the game. Or completely lose it for him. (It's all about who is in the jury house, people, and how they got there.)
We'll find out on Thursday.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
#67 - True Blood - Season 2, Episode 11
We open where we left off, with Bill in the "reception room" of The Queen. (Does this chick have a name? I haven't caught it so far if she does.) The Queen is feeding on some reclining little bloodwhore, which explains the cryptic dripping blood we spied in the final scene from the last episode.
Turns out The Queen is very sassy, with perfectly coiffed hair. She seems to know Bill quite well. Won't you join me?
Cut to Hoyt yanking the feeding Jessica off his momma over at Bill's house. He's not happy with Jessica, and he yells some hateful things at her while storming out of the house, dragging momma along, and leaving Jessica all alone. (Dude, you need to chill. Your momma is mean and SOMEBODY had to shut her up.)
Back to Bill and The Queen. Bill just wants to know how to kill the nasty-ass Mary Ann maenad thing. The queen is intrigued about the maenad angle. ("Orgies? Sacrifice? Cannabalism? Fun!") Sorry, Bill. You can't kill them. But Sookie's not in any trouble. Won't you stay the night? I insist.
Cut to Sookie, Lafayette, Tara, and Tara's crazy momma. Tara REALLY wants to go save Eggs. This is not a popular thought with the rest of the room. They handcuff Tara to a coffee table using Laff's pink furry handcuffs. Tara says hateful things to everyone to show that she is not pleased with this arrangement.
Zip over to Sam, Jason and Andy, wondering what to do about Mary Ann. Jason has all the good lines in this scene: "WE have got to be the law. We need weapons." and "Sometimes you have to destroy something to save it. That's in the Bible. Or the Constitution."
Then Sam spies some dirty little kids spying on them from a window. He chases down the little munchkins and they turn out to be Arlene's offspring. Jason and Andy head off to the sherrif's office to do... something.
Back over to the Tara holding facility. Laff and Sookie are outside, where Sook gets a text from Bill that he'll be late for dinner. Sookie makes an offhand comment that she is now working for Eric. Laff is puzzled by the remark. I am too. Did I miss something.
Inside the house, Tara is really working her mom, trying to get Moms to release her. Tara: "I forgive you for everything. And that's a LOT." Then Tara and Mom get all deep with the discussion. God. Satan. Somebody knocking on a door. But all Tara really wants is to get out of the damn furry pink handcuffs.
Back to Sam and Arlene's kids. The Kids about Arlene: "She seems crazy. Kissing Terry, her eyes all weird. We need a vampire!" See, just let the kids run things, know what I'm saying? They get right to the point. They haven't learned to play stupid adult games yet.
Back to the Tara Correctional Facility. Sookie and Laff, both having drunk from Eric, are all schoolgirl giggly about the weird sex dreams they have about Eric. Then Tara's mom breaks the mood by coming outside and tricking Laff and getting his gun away from him. So then Big Momma breaks Tara out of the joint, and Tara races away in Sookie's car, AFTER she asks Sookie for the keys and Sookie gives them to her. There's some stupid up in here, y'all.
Andy and Jason arrive at the police station, where Jason pretends to be interested in a blood-eyed slut while Andy searches for weapons.
Back over to Tara's former holding cell, where Tara's mom is still waving a gun around. Sookie grabs something off a table and beans Momma good. Laff grabs the gun and they drive off, leaving Momma to contemplate a return to alcoholism.
Sam and Arlene's kids arrive at Fangtasia. Sam pays the prone-to-hysterical-screaming blonde waitress to let them in so they can wait for Eric to show up.
Quick scene with Sookie and Laff in the car, racing to Sookie's house. Sookie: "I need you to suck it up and shoot Mary Ann in the head."
Tara gets to Sookie's house before them, and finds Eggs acting all sad and lonely. Of course, he's still got the blood eyes, but Tara stupidly overlooks this and tries to comfort him. Then Mary Ann stomps into the room. Tara tries to be strong: "I want OUT. You don't want me. You want Sam." Mary Ann smiles sweetly, so you know she doesn't mean it, and says "But YOU summoned me."
Say what?
Mary Ann: You know, when you went to the crazy voodoo woman in that tacky trailer in the woods and had her do that exorcism and all? Well, somebody said the magic words at some point and here I am. Praise me.
Great. Blame the black girl just who's just trying to make a living and pay the light bill.
But Tara still wants out. Turns out all Mary Ann has to do is slap Tara. She gets all blood-eyed again and she runs upstairs with Eggs to either fornicate or play Twister. Who knows.
Then Terry and his merry band of blood-eyed cohorts arrive, all excited, and tell Mary Ann that "the one who comes" done came and smote Sam. Mary Ann is not pleased with the mental abilities of her death squad, and does a weird screechy thing to show her displeasure.
Cut to Hoyt and HIS momma, where we find out that Hoyt's daddy was not killed by robbers breaking into the house in the middle of the night. No, Daddy killed himself because he was a homosexual. ("That man liked to dance more than a normal man should.") Momma just lied about what happened so she could collect the insurance.
Poor Hoyt. Seriously.
Scene with Sookie and Laff arriving at Sookie's house, attempting to sneak in, but they are stopped by blood-eyed Terry and Arlene. Laff lures them away with drugs while Sookie races inside. (Just go with it.)
Sam finally meets with Eric at Fangtasia. Sam explains that he needs help with the maenad Mary Ann. Eric: "What's in it for me? Can you get me Sookie?" (Eric, dumbass, can you focus for two seconds?) Sam: "Until somebody starts trusting somebody we're all single targets." Pam: "That thing owes me a pair of shoes." Then Eric announces that he's going to see someone who might be able to help, and he shoots up into the sky. Okay, then. Vampires can fly. At least one of them.
Sookie sneaks into her own house (with a lovely purse on her arm, like this is charm school, what's up with that?), and there are crazy people everywhere. Someone is naked in the sink. That's pleasant. When one of the crazies on the kitchen floor starts making a lot of noise, Sookie decides to spoon with him to calm his nerves. What the hell? This scene is just stupid.
Cut back to The Queen's abode, where Queen and Bill are reviewing a lineup of various runway models to feast on. Bill is not interested. Queen: "But I need you at your best to play Yahtzee." The Queen proffers a scantily-clad male model, and Bill, perhaps out of boredom, feeds. The Queen: "I love watching two men together."
Back at Sookie's, Laff encounters Mary Ann. He tries to shoot her, but the bullet deflects and instead kills Karl, the weird chef/foot massager. Uh oh.
And back over to The Queen's, where the Yahtzee game is in full swing. Bill can't take it anymore and says he has to leave. Really, not kidding. The Queen sighs and gives in, but offers Bill some parting words of advice. The maenads are "still waiting for gods that never show." The key here is to convince Mary Ann that Dionysus has come.
Bill pauses. Really? How so? The Queen: The maenads are looking for perfect vessels. "Supernatural beings." Okay, then. There's the Sam connection. As Bill stomps out, one of The Queen's blood whores asks him, "How's my cousin Sookie?" It really IS a small world.
As Bill moodily exits, Eric arrives. There's some pointless alpha male bickering, but Bill ends it with: "I will tell The Queen that you are forcing humans to sell vampire blood." Sounds like a bitch slap to me.
Scene with Jason and Andy, where we learn that Andy is really jealous of Jason and all the ho's he bags. Typical male thing, right? Then Jason lets him know that it ain't all that. And besides, "we have got to save this town". And they floor it to Sookie's house.
Where we see that Sookie is still stupidly spooning with the crazy blood-eye on the kitchen floor. Luckily, she's apparently gotten bored with that, so she beans him with a frying pan and races upstairs.
To find Tara and Eggs in Gram's room, destroying her things and making a nest for a giant egg that's plopped in the middle of Gram's bed. Can we possibly get any weirder?
Yes, we can. Something touches Sookie on the shoulder. She turns around to find that it's Lafayette.
And he's blood-eyed.
Great.
Turns out The Queen is very sassy, with perfectly coiffed hair. She seems to know Bill quite well. Won't you join me?
Cut to Hoyt yanking the feeding Jessica off his momma over at Bill's house. He's not happy with Jessica, and he yells some hateful things at her while storming out of the house, dragging momma along, and leaving Jessica all alone. (Dude, you need to chill. Your momma is mean and SOMEBODY had to shut her up.)
Back to Bill and The Queen. Bill just wants to know how to kill the nasty-ass Mary Ann maenad thing. The queen is intrigued about the maenad angle. ("Orgies? Sacrifice? Cannabalism? Fun!") Sorry, Bill. You can't kill them. But Sookie's not in any trouble. Won't you stay the night? I insist.
Cut to Sookie, Lafayette, Tara, and Tara's crazy momma. Tara REALLY wants to go save Eggs. This is not a popular thought with the rest of the room. They handcuff Tara to a coffee table using Laff's pink furry handcuffs. Tara says hateful things to everyone to show that she is not pleased with this arrangement.
Zip over to Sam, Jason and Andy, wondering what to do about Mary Ann. Jason has all the good lines in this scene: "WE have got to be the law. We need weapons." and "Sometimes you have to destroy something to save it. That's in the Bible. Or the Constitution."
Then Sam spies some dirty little kids spying on them from a window. He chases down the little munchkins and they turn out to be Arlene's offspring. Jason and Andy head off to the sherrif's office to do... something.
Back over to the Tara holding facility. Laff and Sookie are outside, where Sook gets a text from Bill that he'll be late for dinner. Sookie makes an offhand comment that she is now working for Eric. Laff is puzzled by the remark. I am too. Did I miss something.
Inside the house, Tara is really working her mom, trying to get Moms to release her. Tara: "I forgive you for everything. And that's a LOT." Then Tara and Mom get all deep with the discussion. God. Satan. Somebody knocking on a door. But all Tara really wants is to get out of the damn furry pink handcuffs.
Back to Sam and Arlene's kids. The Kids about Arlene: "She seems crazy. Kissing Terry, her eyes all weird. We need a vampire!" See, just let the kids run things, know what I'm saying? They get right to the point. They haven't learned to play stupid adult games yet.
Back to the Tara Correctional Facility. Sookie and Laff, both having drunk from Eric, are all schoolgirl giggly about the weird sex dreams they have about Eric. Then Tara's mom breaks the mood by coming outside and tricking Laff and getting his gun away from him. So then Big Momma breaks Tara out of the joint, and Tara races away in Sookie's car, AFTER she asks Sookie for the keys and Sookie gives them to her. There's some stupid up in here, y'all.
Andy and Jason arrive at the police station, where Jason pretends to be interested in a blood-eyed slut while Andy searches for weapons.
Back over to Tara's former holding cell, where Tara's mom is still waving a gun around. Sookie grabs something off a table and beans Momma good. Laff grabs the gun and they drive off, leaving Momma to contemplate a return to alcoholism.
Sam and Arlene's kids arrive at Fangtasia. Sam pays the prone-to-hysterical-screaming blonde waitress to let them in so they can wait for Eric to show up.
Quick scene with Sookie and Laff in the car, racing to Sookie's house. Sookie: "I need you to suck it up and shoot Mary Ann in the head."
Tara gets to Sookie's house before them, and finds Eggs acting all sad and lonely. Of course, he's still got the blood eyes, but Tara stupidly overlooks this and tries to comfort him. Then Mary Ann stomps into the room. Tara tries to be strong: "I want OUT. You don't want me. You want Sam." Mary Ann smiles sweetly, so you know she doesn't mean it, and says "But YOU summoned me."
Say what?
Mary Ann: You know, when you went to the crazy voodoo woman in that tacky trailer in the woods and had her do that exorcism and all? Well, somebody said the magic words at some point and here I am. Praise me.
Great. Blame the black girl just who's just trying to make a living and pay the light bill.
But Tara still wants out. Turns out all Mary Ann has to do is slap Tara. She gets all blood-eyed again and she runs upstairs with Eggs to either fornicate or play Twister. Who knows.
Then Terry and his merry band of blood-eyed cohorts arrive, all excited, and tell Mary Ann that "the one who comes" done came and smote Sam. Mary Ann is not pleased with the mental abilities of her death squad, and does a weird screechy thing to show her displeasure.
Cut to Hoyt and HIS momma, where we find out that Hoyt's daddy was not killed by robbers breaking into the house in the middle of the night. No, Daddy killed himself because he was a homosexual. ("That man liked to dance more than a normal man should.") Momma just lied about what happened so she could collect the insurance.
Poor Hoyt. Seriously.
Scene with Sookie and Laff arriving at Sookie's house, attempting to sneak in, but they are stopped by blood-eyed Terry and Arlene. Laff lures them away with drugs while Sookie races inside. (Just go with it.)
Sam finally meets with Eric at Fangtasia. Sam explains that he needs help with the maenad Mary Ann. Eric: "What's in it for me? Can you get me Sookie?" (Eric, dumbass, can you focus for two seconds?) Sam: "Until somebody starts trusting somebody we're all single targets." Pam: "That thing owes me a pair of shoes." Then Eric announces that he's going to see someone who might be able to help, and he shoots up into the sky. Okay, then. Vampires can fly. At least one of them.
Sookie sneaks into her own house (with a lovely purse on her arm, like this is charm school, what's up with that?), and there are crazy people everywhere. Someone is naked in the sink. That's pleasant. When one of the crazies on the kitchen floor starts making a lot of noise, Sookie decides to spoon with him to calm his nerves. What the hell? This scene is just stupid.
Cut back to The Queen's abode, where Queen and Bill are reviewing a lineup of various runway models to feast on. Bill is not interested. Queen: "But I need you at your best to play Yahtzee." The Queen proffers a scantily-clad male model, and Bill, perhaps out of boredom, feeds. The Queen: "I love watching two men together."
Back at Sookie's, Laff encounters Mary Ann. He tries to shoot her, but the bullet deflects and instead kills Karl, the weird chef/foot massager. Uh oh.
And back over to The Queen's, where the Yahtzee game is in full swing. Bill can't take it anymore and says he has to leave. Really, not kidding. The Queen sighs and gives in, but offers Bill some parting words of advice. The maenads are "still waiting for gods that never show." The key here is to convince Mary Ann that Dionysus has come.
Bill pauses. Really? How so? The Queen: The maenads are looking for perfect vessels. "Supernatural beings." Okay, then. There's the Sam connection. As Bill stomps out, one of The Queen's blood whores asks him, "How's my cousin Sookie?" It really IS a small world.
As Bill moodily exits, Eric arrives. There's some pointless alpha male bickering, but Bill ends it with: "I will tell The Queen that you are forcing humans to sell vampire blood." Sounds like a bitch slap to me.
Scene with Jason and Andy, where we learn that Andy is really jealous of Jason and all the ho's he bags. Typical male thing, right? Then Jason lets him know that it ain't all that. And besides, "we have got to save this town". And they floor it to Sookie's house.
Where we see that Sookie is still stupidly spooning with the crazy blood-eye on the kitchen floor. Luckily, she's apparently gotten bored with that, so she beans him with a frying pan and races upstairs.
To find Tara and Eggs in Gram's room, destroying her things and making a nest for a giant egg that's plopped in the middle of Gram's bed. Can we possibly get any weirder?
Yes, we can. Something touches Sookie on the shoulder. She turns around to find that it's Lafayette.
And he's blood-eyed.
Great.
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