#86 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 21

So we start out at South Fork, where Bobby confronts JR about his involvement with the Lisa thing. JR does his usual snarky "not really my fault" thing, which enrages Bobby and we get lots of yelling. Suddenly, Miss Ellie barges in and tells both of them to break it up or "you're off this ranch!". Wow. Miss Ellie talking all street. Maybe she's still hung-over?

Then we have Bobby arriving at Cliff's, letting him know that Lisa is back in town. Cliff: "What?" Bobby: "She's been working for JR." Cliff discreetly gulps, he's been working for JR as well. Hell, who ISN'T working for JR at this point?) Cliff: "I'll do anything to help."

April, having a spiralling paranoia moment in her condo. The newspaper says that Larry Doyle's been murdered! She discovers that her Lombardi file is missing! She calls Nick! I have to see you!

Ellie and Mavis again, eating something at yet another restaurant. Ellie fesses about being worried that Clayton is having an affair, offering up skimpy evidence to support this. (They were standing in the same ROOM!) Mavis counters this with her own revelation that Punk had an affair (really? with whom? Helen Keller?), but that she just put up with it until it ended, because she didn't want to lose him. Ellie, face all crinkly, is not sure she can be that complacent.

JR is meeting with Harry, his evil little henchman. "We have got to find Lisa!" (She's wearing a big, ugly hat, people, work with that.) As Harry rushes off to do this, Kimberly marches in, pissed. "If you gain control of Westar without me, will you still want me?" (Um, he never wanted you to begin with, but anyway.) JR smoothly lies his way out of it, and then there's some yucky fake passionate kissing.

Laurel is meeting with David, her artist friend (and recipient of Clays' loan). He's trying to convince Laurel to keep the "relationship" with Clay going, because he's rich. Laurel: "What an awful thing to say." On cue, Laurel's mysterious "ex" from England walks up. David then runs off to let Laurel deal with it, because he's such a classy guy.

Brett, the ex, still wants Laurel back, he has so much he can offer. Laurel: "You're offering me a beautiful prison." Really? Just WHAT happened back in the UK? That sounds so much more intriguing than learning that Punk Anderson had sex with his secretary.

Cut to Ray and Jenna's House of Denial. Jenna is all pouty, having found Charlie's report card, and the grades suck. "She's always been a straight-A student." (Um, we've seen her go to school ONCE in the last 80 seasons. We'll have to take your word for it.)

Ray: "This has happened since our marriage!" Jenna: "I think she's testing us!" Ray: "She's trying to tear us apart! Maybe we should send her to a private school!" (Sure, that's going to help things, when Charlie doesn't have Brad Pitt to carry her books.) Jenna: "Don't you think that's a little drastic?" Then Jenna looks in a mirror to confirm that her hair is still unnaturally straight.

Nick and April pull up alongside each other in separate cars in a dark and mysterious parking lot. April starts babbling away about her investigation into Nick's possible past, it was just a "lark", and now people are dead and everything. Nick: "What are you not telling me?" April: "The file's missing. They know about your father." Nick: "I'm so tempted to hit you right now." Very manly response, right?

April: "Why do they want from you?" Nick: "Don't go home, go to a hotel and stay there until you hear from me." Then he squeals out of the parking lot. April starts violently crying, looking like a forlorn poodle that's not getting any wet food tonight.

Sue Ellen, Bobby, and JR at South Fork, with Sue breaking the news that Ellie has suddenly left on vacation. Clayton walks in. JR is bitchy to him about Ellie leaving. Clay tells him to shut up. (You GO!) Then Bobby is bitchy about JR and the Lisa thing.. Then they all just glare at each other with hate-filled eyes.

Quick shot of Miss Ellie, wandering around and looking pale and tragic on a beach, with screaming birds flying all around. Where did you take this vacation, Miss E? Hitchcock Land?

Clay's in his office, and David the sleazy artist arrives. He's painted another portrait of Laurel, and he wants Clay to buy that one too, because he needs the money. This guy is just a jerk. Yet amazingly, Clay writes him another check. As the jerk leaves, he spouts "I promise that your wife will never hear anything about Laurel from me."

Clay, just have him killed, it will save you heartache and money in the end. Laurel won't mind, seriously.

Nick is arriving at a house in somewhere that is clearly not Dallas, and inside the house we learn that his daddy is NOT dead. Neither is his momma, and they fawn over him like he's biblical. Nick warns dad that "they will find you". Dad: "We're not moving again. We're ready to face this." Nick doesn't care for that option. "We'll have to do this the OTHER way?"

Other way? What? Actually, I really don't care. Next.

Sly tells JR that she "has to talk", and fesses up about her budding relationship with Casey. JR's not bothered at all. "I'd pick your brain, too. It's alright. Casey never stops trying." JR never worries about guest stars getting the better of him. He knows he's coming back next week.

Then we see Casey meeting with Kimberly, which is a nice surprise and perks up the story line a bit. She called HIM. She wants to talk about JR, the Westar takeover, and lining up the stockholder votes to get what she wants. Interested? Casey: "Depends on the benefits." Kimberly smiles slyly. How about a position with the company?

Wouldn't THAT be a hoot? Kimberly causes JR to lose his Westar bid, and he has to watch Casey run the company. I'd drink a beer to that.

So it's time for Christopher's custody trial.

First we deal with Lisa, who's all "I am Christopher's real family" and such. Bobby's lawyer makes her fess up that JR was paying all her expenses, and he's a bad guy. Lisa: "I didn't care." Lawyer: "Hasn't this been blackmail from the beginning?"

Hell, it's been blackmail since the beginning of the series, but anyway.

Then we have Sue Ellen, with some truly horrifying hair, testifying. She had believed that JR was the father of Christopher, and "it was a cloud on our marriage for a long time." ONE cloud, sweetie. One of many. Then we have lots of flashbacks, and in one of them she tells Bobby that JR is the daddy.

So Bobby takes the stand and fills in the rest. Jeff Faraday contacted him, wanting hush money, this went on for a while, and finally Bobby just bought the baby. Oh, and it was Jeff's baby after all. Kristen miscarried JR's baby. (And apparently got pregnant again within a few hours to make the timeline work out.)

Interesting side note: Ray and Jenna are watching in the courtroom. Remember, in the first few seasons, Ray slept with everybody. I'm sure he was sweating just a wee bit. Christopher could be HIS baby.

Final scene, with just Bobby, Lisa and Christopher in the Judge's chambers. The judge asks Chris what HE wants to do. And Christopher really sells it about loving his daddy and wanting to be with him. Very touching. So of course, Lisa: "I'll drop the case."

Great. That story thread has been wrapped up. Now, can we travel to England and find out what weird thing Brett did to make Laurel flee the country and hook up with the sleazy artist guy and then make friends with Clayton so that Miss Ellie can get all neurotic and roll around on a beach with angry birds? I'd appreciate that.

#85 - "Dallas" - Season 11, Episode 20

So we start out in the breakfast room at South Fork, with JR being mean to Teresa the maid. Then Sue Ellen wanders down and is mean to JR. Miss Ellie totters up, and is all unfocused because she’s worried about what Clayton is up to. Then Bobby comes in. (Are these people lined up outside the door? What is going on?) Bitchy things are said, and then they all leave.

Once again, no one has touched a morsel of the breakfast food that Teresa has lovingly prepared.

Cut to Ray and Jenna’s house, where Charlie has taken mom’s advice, and she apologizes for being a lying slut. Ray grudgingly accepts, and they all decide to start fresh with a clean slate, including letting Charlie see Randy. Hurray! Charlie gets to snuggle with Brad Pitt some more.

Ellie meets Mavis at lunch to discuss more boring details involving charity hospital beds. Ellie is still unfocused, paying no attention. Mavis tries to pry, but Ellie brushes her off, forlornly announcing there’s “something I have to do.” What? Find some real dialogue?

Quick scene with Clay and Laurel at his office. Nothing important, but we have to establish that the two ARE indeed at his office, otherwise a later scene just won’t work.

Sue Ellen and Nick traipse into Cliff’s office, wanting to talk about why Cliff is basically helping JR take over Westar, buying all that stock and such. Cliff, clearly having not watched the last several seasons, offers Sue Ellen a drink. Then he fesses up that JR is basically blackmailing him (that whole easement mess where Sly dressed up like a country tart and rode a porch railing.) Sue Ellen is not happy to hear about this.

Scene with JR and Kimberly. He continues to waffle about how long it will take to get Sue Ellen out of the house, and she continues showing her displeasure about his tardiness, tossing out the line “maybe you’re not worth waiting for.”

Cut back to Clayton’s office, with he and Laurel parading out the front door of the building. He’s being a little cozy, with his arm around her as they walk, but it’s really nothing. Of course, Miss Ellie spies them from afar, scrunches up her face and starts to tremble.

Bobby jets to Washington to meet with a couple of the senators who might be able to help him get the Ewing Oil name back. They are a little stodgy at first, but the second that he offers to make campaign contributions, everybody’s best friends.

During the discussion, there’s a senator’s aide with her hair tightly pulled up in a menacing bun on her head. It obviously doesn’t go with the rest of her couture, so she know that nest is coming down soon. Sure enough, at the end of the meeting, she offers to take him to the airport, and we all know what that means.

Sue Ellen arrives at South Fork, and the ugly Ewing grandkids, John Ross and Christopher, are nearly bursting with the exciting news that Miss Ellie is drunk. (Really?) Sue Ellen goes to Miss Ellie’s room, and there she is, sprawled across the bed and looking haggard.

Sue Ellen: “Wanna talk?” Ellie: “Let’s talk about disappointment. You know a lot about that.” Ellie swigs down some more of whatever. Sue Ellen: “Are you mad at me?” Ellie: “Nope. I just want the world to go away.”

Miss Ellie rambles some more, either forgetting her lines or doing some method-acting, because most of it doesn’t make any sense. Then she drunkenly screams at Sue Ellen to just get OUT, then grabs another bottle. Throughout the whole scene, I’m wondering if Linda Gray and Barbara Bel accidentally picked up each other’s script.

Back to Bobby and the Senator’s aide (“Kaye?”), in the back of a limo. Her wares are clearly up for grabs, but Bobby’s got other things to worry about.

Quick scene with JR telling Sly to sell all her Westar stock, then he marches out of the room to go confuse somebody else. Sly, as usual, looks pensive for a moment, then she gets that look which means, well, if JR said to do it, it must be God’s work, and off she goes.

Next day, Clay tries chatting with a hung-over Miss Ellie, hoping for details. In response to his asking why she would drink alone, she yells “There was nobody here to drink WITH!” (Nobody to drink with at South Fork? Did you not leave your room? And I’m sure Teresa would have appreciated a nip or two.) But she doesn’t tell Clay what is really on her mind.

Clay and Laurel at a showing for her artist friend. When she wanders off to study a really ugly piece of sculpture, the artist hits Clay up for a loan. And Clay gives it to him. This makes no sense, so something must be in the works for a later episode.

Ray and Jenna’s house, where they are spelling out the new “dating rules” to Charlie and Randy. Both kids promise to be on their best behavior, swearing and all that, so you know it’s only a matter of time before there’s a big mess of trouble. And the whole scene I’m thinking, wow, Brad Pitt has really grown as an actor. Based on his work here, I’m surprised we ever saw him again.

April asks Bobby to stop by her condo, where she goes into a long, rambling g speech about when she first arrived in Dallas, hungry for power, and “I was gonna do anything. She fesses up to Bobby about bumping uglies with JR the one time. Now he’s blackmailing her with this Westar thing, and she’s had it. “Now you know everything.” Bobby is very, very quiet.

Then Bobby is suddenly back at his office (the magic of TV!), and Ray comes through the door. It’s a little tense at first, but Ray apologizes for his harsh words when Bobby tried to stand up for Charlie, and next thing you know they’re best buddies again.

April arrives at her condo after what looks like a day of pointless shopping, to find that the police are there and her condo has been trashed. A detective asks her “You know of anything that might be missing?” (She’s been there approximately 5 seconds, how could she know?) Detective: “Anybody after you?” April: “Uhh…” Detective: “I see. Well, let us know if you think of anything. Boys, let’s go.” And the whole squad races out the door.

Miss Ellie gets a call from Clayton. He’s going to be out of town on business, gone for a few days, he’ll let her know. Ellie hangs up, bursts into tears, and screams “Damn you Clayton!” Honey, isn’t there a nice doctor you can call for some cute little pills? Because you need them.

At South Fork, Bobby gets a call from one of his lawyer guys, Paul. Seems Lisa is back in town, and a custody hearing for Christopher is on for next week. Bobby is appropriately surprised and confused, probably trying to remember who Lisa is, because this episode’s script had a lot of pages, what with Miss Ellie getting drunk and all.

Finally, we have JR meeting with Kimberly’s dad, waffling once more about how long it will be before he can marry darling Kimberly. Then JR tries a different approach, telling Daddy that maybe “you’ll have to separate Kimberly from my running Westar.”

This does not sit well with Daddy. JR marries Kimberly or there’s no company for JR to run. So JR brings up the fact that Westar stock is falling (because he had Sly sell her shares), and actually threatens Daddy by implying that he can do even more damage.

Daddy: “Bring it on.”

#84 - "Survivor: Samoa" - Episode 4

We’re back at the Foa Foa camp right after Tribal. No one is really in a good mood, of course, but Jaison is really whining. He’s cold and he’s tired and he’s hungry. “Coming here was the worst decision of my life.”

Uh, it’s barely been two weeks. Suck it up, guy.

Next morning, Jaison and Russell are walking on the beach. Jaison is still moaning and complaining. Russell tries to get him focused, but he’s not liking how Jaison is acting.

Then we have what’s now become an obligatory sidebar, with Russell showing his ass and proving that he’s a worthless human being. “Whoever I want to be gone, is gone!”

Sure they are. Just like you wanted Ashley to go home at the last tribal. Oh wait. BEN went home instead. You’re just an ass, Russell.

Roll opening credits.

We’re now at Galu. Shambo is still hatin on her tribe because she thinks they’re all lazy and she’s doing all the work. So she makes sure to play if off like she had the best time while she was at Foa Foa. Those people were happy to have her and they love them some Shambo.

Shambo in a sidebar: “I already have a following with Foa Foa.” A following? Aren’t you being just a little bit delusional there, Big Hair? Yes, several of them thought you were pretty nifty with camp work, but I seriously doubt they will be building a shrine in your honor any time soon.

Erik pulls Shambo off to the side. He thinks that there is an Immunity Idol at both camps, and that the clues Shambo now has apply to both camps. So spill. Right then, John wakes up from one of his naps and wanders over. Amazingly, Shambo gives both of them the clues, without any hand-shaking or protection agreements.

Stupid move.

Time for tree mail, and the leader of both tribes has to pick two players to go with him on a special mission. Mick, Russell H (the bad one) and Natalie head off for Foa Foa. Russell S (basically the good Russell, but not so much anymore, keep reading.), Shambo and Dave head out for Galu.

They follow directions and find themselves waiting in a giant circle drawn in the sand of a beach. Where’s Jeff? Nowhere to be found. They look around. There’s some chickens in a wooden cage (possible Reward Challenge) and a chest on the beach with them.

Still no Jeff. Right about the time I’m thinking “well, hell, somebody grab the chickens and the chest and make a break for it,” they do just that. Shambo and Natalie snatch up the three chickens and are about to head for the hills, when Dave gets the chest open and finds instructions and some bocce balls. Dang. It’s a competition after all.

They have to shove a stick into the middle of the circle, and then each of them chunks the balls at the stick. Closest team ball to the stick, that team gets the chickens. Very simple.

So they start playing, and actually, no one is really bad at it. Foa Foa is doing slightly better, and toward the end, Russell H’s ball is the one to beat. (Which doesn’t please me. I mean, I’m all for people having things to eat, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t want Russell H to win anything. Ever.) Amazingly, on the very last throw, Dave knocks one of the team balls closer to the stick. Galu wins. Again.

Meanwhile, back at Galu, Erik is trying to find the idol based on Shambo’s clues. He sends a few of the girls off to do some pointless fruit-gathering, then ensures that the rest of the camp are either sleeping (John and Yasmine, naturally) or distracted in some other way.

Erik pokes around in the trees for a bit. (We get a quick cut scene showing that John is not actually sleeping, but appears to be spying on Erik.) Not sure how much John sees, but a short bit later Erik finds the dang idol. He then races down the beach to hide it somewhere.

Okay, I think this is a first. A member on both tribes have found an immunity idol without ever “officially” receiving any clues. How whacked is that?

Russell, Shambo and Dave arrive shortly, sporting the chicken coop with the little squawkers inside. Everyone thinks this is pretty nifty. Yay! Russell appoints Shambo to be the Keeper of the Chickens. She’s very pleased with this responsibility. (“They will give me eggs, because I will be kind to them.”)

Back at Foa Foa, Jasion is still whining.

Russell H is no longer keen on an alliance with Jaison, and decides that he’s going to team up with Natalie instead. (“She’s too stupid to beat me, and I can claim that she road my coattails the whole way.” He’s such a nice guy.) So he tracks down Natalie and promises Final Two, just like he’s done with…. Oh, just about everybody else at some point.

Natalie, in a sidebar, reveals that she’s perfectly aware that people think she’s a little slow, and she plans on using that to her advantage. Interesting.

Back at Galu, some of the guys are eyeing the chickens hungrily, thinking, screw the protein in the eggs every morning, we want us some hot wings. Just then, Shambo, diddling around with the chicken coop, manages to let one of them escape.

So the Great Chicken Race is on. Mostly it’s Erik and Shambo racing all over the island after the chicken, although the other tribe members do help out for a bit. But then the other tribe members get bored and don’t care. (And I’m thinking, people, this is Survivor. There just might come a point when you need that third chicken very, very badly.)

Then we have a scene where Yasmine just lays there and watches Kelly working really hard to open some coconuts, waiting for her to finish up so she can move in for some milk. This greatly irks Kelly, and she races off to some of the others. A bitchfest ensues where we learn that quite a few people don’t care for Yasmine and the fact that she does nothing around camp. Hmm.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

This one involves the teams racing around an obstacle course and stacking blocks into towers that have to stand on their own while Jeff counts dramatically. There is a point where Monica, on the Galu tribe, has some trouble doing a rope walk. (The camera lingers a bit on this, and we know right away it’s going to soon be a subject of discussion.)

But otherwise, the teams are very close, and it’s pretty tense. In the end, Foa Foa finally wins an Immunity Challenge. I actually always like it when an underdog tribe finally wins, even if they are not my favorite tribe. It’s just nice to see beaten down people get a break. Then again, Russell H is on that underdog tribe, and as you know, he and I are not friends.

Back at the Galu camp, Russell S makes a beeline for Erik, making it very clear that Monica screwed up the win for them, and he wants her out. Erik seems to be in agreement.

On the other side of camp, Dave and several others are discussing a different strategy. Dave’s a little put out with Shambo (she let the damn chicken out, and she’s pretty bossy and full of herself), but the group is more focused on Yasmine. She does NOTHING.

Then another scene with Shambo racing to tell Yasmine that Monica is the target. Yasmine is all fired up about this and completely agreeing. (“I’m here to play and I did just that.”) You did?

Okay, time for an editorial break. There are some Survivor fans that think as long as you bust your ass during challenges, then you are golden. (And Yasmine does carry her load in that respect.) But I don’t go along with that. If you lay around camp and do nothing until a challenge comes up, what good are you? You are supposed to play Survivor 24X7, working and socializing and bonding with your team. Survivor is not about running really hard for 10 minutes during a competition, and then relaxing for three days.

End soapbox.

Erik runs to Russell S that there are some votes out there for Yasmine. Russell gets mad, stomping around and claiming that these people better “listen to me or there’s gonna be some serious ass-kicking.” Really? Russell, you are the team leader. You better listen to your tribe or that tribe will turn against you. I believe this is in the Player’s Handbook. Did you not get one?

Time for Tribal.

Although the discussion never gets really heated, there are some fingers pointed and people are pretty vocal. It’s very clear that there is a definite split in the tribe, with several people gunning for Monica and several gunning for Yasmine. It’s up in the air.

Votes come back, and Yasmine is booted.

During the closing credits, we see that nearly everyone voted for Yasmine, including Russell S who was so fired up that people better do what he wants. The only two who voted for Monica? Yasmine (understandable) and Shambo. Guess Shambo didn’t get the memo. Maybe her Wi-Fi doesn’t work out here….