#80 - True Blood - Season 2, Episode 12

Okay folks, we've got a lot to cram in, what with this being the final episode of the season. Hopefully some things will get wrapped up, but I would imagine there will be some new things for us to scratch our heads over until next year...

So we start where we left off, upstairs in Sookie's Grandma's room, with Sookie ending her wailing scream at seeing that Lafayette is all blood-eyed. And he's all bossy, too. He yells that it's time to get the egg downstairs. (Clearly, such an announcement cannot be a good thing.) Laff and Tara fiddle with the crazy egg for a bit, grunting and jumping around and whatnot, then Tara races off with the prize.

Then Laff orders Sookie to take off all her clothes. (Excuse me?) Then he shoves a dress at her, one that looks suspiciously like wedding couture of some kind, and tells her to put it on. Then they all tramp downstairs.

To what I THINK is the living room, but it's been hard to tell what room is what in this house after all that weird plant crap starting growing everywhere after Mary Ann moved in. Speaking of, Mary Ann is standing in the middle of the room, wearing Sookie's Grandmother's wedding dress. (Who knew they were the same size? How convenient) Mary Ann tells Sookie that she is going to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding tonight.

Roll opening credits.

Back to the live action. Sookie is none to happy about Mary Ann prancing around in Grandma's clothes. She tries getting this point across, but there are too many ugly bridesmaids flitting about and chattering insanely. (One of them spots Sookie and expresses her love for Sookie because "you give me extra pickles." It's going to be one of those nights.)

Even Mary Ann, queen of noise and doom, grows tired of the maids and sends them out. Mary Ann then focuses on Sookie, and wants her to do more of the weird electrical thing. Sookie, always a gracious host, tries to accomodate, but nothing happens. Mary Ann is flummoxed by Sookie, doesn't know why she can't control her with the shimmy like she can control others. It's a real nice chat and all, but can we get back to this wedding thing?

Cut to Hoyt and Momma. He's basically got her trapped in the house. She's in a tizzy, wanting to escape, because "a Gawd is comin!". He explains quite calmly that we will be dining in this evening.

Back to Mary Ann and Sookie, where Mary Ann is still miffed that she can't channel Sookie. The only other person she can't channel is Sam. And by the way, Mary Ann plans to offer Sam up as a wedding present to her new "husband". Specifically, we're talking about Sam's heart, since such things are apparently food of the gods. Nice batch of gods you got there. Hey.

Mary Ann races off to find out just where the hell Sam is, why is this taking so long, and the scene ends with an incredibly ugly headdress thing being plunked on Sookie's head. The camera lingers on this atrocity, because it truly is hideous and we apparently need to study its ugliness for a few moments.

Cut to Eric and the Queen, playing Yahtzee once again, along with a few underlings/blood whores. The Queen is toying with Eric ("Did you know there's a maenad in the Parish?") and teasing him about his thing for Sookie. Then she gets serious, warning him "Don't taste her!" Hmmm. Sookie juice a bad thing?

We then learn that it's the Queen who's forcing Eric to sell vampire blood. Oh really? And she's none too pleased that he brought it up, throwing him to the ground and threatening him that "I could own your fangs as earrings." Then they go back to playing a cordial game of Yahtzee.

Jason and Andy arrive at Sookie's house, ready to do battle with the pagan bitches. Andy's a little reluctant, but Jason is determined. "That's my grandmother's house!" And he sheds a tear, which is unexpected and touching. Then they race into the pagan mob and within ten seconds both of them are blood-eyed. Guess that plan didn't work too well.

Quick scene with Bill and Sam. Bill: "Are you aware that Mary Ann is here for YOU?" Sam just looks at him like, dude, where have you been? Bill then tells Sam that he's taking him to Sookie's and he's not giving Sam a choice in the matter. Vampires sure can be pushy sometimes.

Back to Sookie and Mary Ann. Sookie: "What's with the egg?" Well, it's an ostrich egg (which totally clears up everything, right?) and everybody is supposed to lick the egg to show devotion or praise or sheer boredom, something. I'm really not trained when it comes to tongue action during sacrificial marriages involving poultry.

Blood-eyed Jason staggers into the house, now all ready to take a part in the pageantry. His appearance of course sets Sookie off even further, and she tells Mary Ann she's not having any part of this. Mary Ann just smiles, threatens to kill Jason if Sookie doesn't get on the stage pronto, and away we go.

So now we're out in the front yard, with half the town undulating in dirty wedding wear. Bill shows up in the middle of this, dragging Sam along. Yet another thing for Sookie to twist off about, why is Bill doing this, offering Sam in exchange for Sookie? But Mary Ann's all aglow, caressing her little prize like a beloved child. Sam to Mary Ann: "This isn't for you." Mary Ann ignores this little aside and quality checks the giant offering tree to make sure there's plenty of blood and gore.

Bill whispers to Sookie: "You have to trust me."

The ceremony begins. Sam is trussed up on this wooden bier thing and carried in so the dirty deed can be performed. Mary Ann does her shimmy thing, calling on whatever it is to come marry her, and shouting incantations. Apparently part of this process involves shoving a heart into the womb of the mother. (I'm thinking that's got to be an awkward and painful activity.)

So Sam's all prepped for the gory feature act, and here comes Eggs, shoving a fancy dagger thing deep into Sam's chest. Sookie, near hysteria, still manages to get a telepathic message from dying Sam. ("Destroy all of it!") So Sookie improvises quite nicely.

While Mary Ann fiddles around with the bloody dagger that's dripping Sam's blood, Sookie races about knocking things over, ripping the artfully-placed animal organs from the offering tree, and smashing that damn egg on the ground. Hurray!

Mary Ann is not amused with this turn of events. She decides she's going to sacrifice everyone for bad sportsmanship. She does some twitchy business, then shoves her hands into the ground, pulling them back out as claws. Pretty neat trick, if I do say so. Might try that later after a few beers.

Enraged Mary Ann then thunders after the fleeing Sookie. Just when it looks like we might need a new lead actress next season, a giant bull trottles into the scene. Mary Ann pauses. What's this? Her God has finally come! Rejoice! Then the bull rears up and gores Mary Ann good and proper. Mary Ann, confused: "I am the vessel?"

No, bitch. You ain't nothin' now. The bull changes into Sam, the horn that gored Mary Ann turning into Sam's arm as he pulls back, holding Mary Ann's evil black heart. Which he then crushes. She collapses. Guess Mary Ann finally made it off the island, eh?

Instantly, all the townspeople are released from their blood-eyed captivity. Now they slowly traipse about, memories wiped, probably trying to figure out why all their sexual equipment is raw and puffy, and where they managed to find these stupid clothes. And is this Sookie's house? So many questions, so many ugly people with bad teeth.

Turns out that Sam, during Sookie's impromptu destruction of the evil wedding accoutrements, fed on Bill enough to heal and regain his strength, then transitioned into the bull to kill the confused Mary Ann. Bill to Sookie: "There was no other way of destroying her."

Cut to Hoyt and his Momma. Mom's eyes have cleared, and Hoyt realizes she's basically back to her normal self. But instead of just being happy with that, he presses Momma on why she lied about Daddy committing suicide. Oh boy. In the ensuing conversation, it's clear that Momma selfishly lied about everything so that Hoyt would never leave her. Hoyt is not happy. "I wish Jessica had finished you off."

I'm guessing Momma won't be baking Hoyt any potato-chip casseroles in the near future.

Back at Sookie's house, she orders all the dumbass townsfolk to get off her property, then she goes inside to find Tara consoling Eggs. He's really distraught about what he may have done. Well, it's nice to have honest remorse, but seriously guy, there's a lot of wack that went on. Sort it out later. As Sookie says: "We'll be cleanin' tomorrow."

Next morning, scene at Merlotte's with the townsfolk trying to figure out what caused all the blackouts. Drugs? Space aliens? Democrats? Sam, mostly to amuse himself, tells everyone there was a tainted case of vodka. Most of the crowd looks disappointed that it wasn't alien democrats.

Andy gets fed up with the rumors, and he tries to tell the truth. Jason has to pull him back. "They don't remember anything. We're heroes, Mary Ann is gone, we did that, don't matter they know."

Quick scene with Sam and Sookie. He wants to go away for a few days. (Haven't you been saying that for a while now?) Sookie wishes that people knew how special Sam was. Then some girl wanders up with a gift for Sookie. It's a purple dress. (From Bill.) Hmmm.

Then Eggs walks up (there's a lot of traffic in this scene). He wants to know about the gaps. Why was there blood on my hands? He wants Sookie to read him. She's not keen on it, but gives in. When Eggs sees that he killed Miss Jeanette, Daphne and almost killed Sam, he can't take it and runs off. Then you shouldn't have asked, Eggs. Geez. You're kind of whiny for a big guy.

Quick scene with Bill and Jessica. He thinks Hoyt is good for Jessica, and she agrees, in fact she's going over right now to make an apology for, you know, making a snack of his mother. And Bill fesses that he's taking Sookie to a French restaurant. Very sweet. But seriously, is anybody really interested in eating right now?

Sam shows up at his "parent's" home, where he apparently hasn't been in quite some time. Mom: "Never thought we'd see you again." Sam: "You abandoned me." (Well, they did see you turn into a dog and run off, let's be fair.) Sam wants to meet his "real" parents. (Oh, so he's adopted. Now I'm thinking, TWO sets of parents abandoned you? Do you really wanna take this path?)

"Mom" leads Sam back to a room where "Dad" is cleary very ill. Dad gives Sam some information on how to find his parents. And we now have a plot point for season 3.

Cut to Jessica in the cab of a semi-trailer with a trucker. She bites him. What the hell? Girl, you were supposed to be headed to Hoyt's to kiss and make up. Did the flannel shirts and smell of diesel fuel distract you?

Hoyt shows up with flowers at Bill's door, obviously looking for Jessica. No answer. He leaves the flowers and walks away. I am NOT going to be happy if this relationship gets jacked with. Just want to get that on the record.

Cut to Bill and Sookie at a fancy French restaurant that Bill has rented out. It's romantic and they dance. (But am I the only one out there that's a little bored with the Bill and Sookie thing? Just wondering.)

Back to Merlotte's parking lot, where Eggs shows up with the evil dagger and begs Deputy Andy to arrest him. Sadly, Jason chooses that moment to wander out of the restaurant, sees Eggs waving a knife at Andy, pulls a gun, and shoots him. Dead. Andy grabs the gun and tells Jason to get the hell out of there.

Of course, the sound of gunfire has all the patrons of Merlotte's running outside to see what's up, including Tara. She sees Eggs' body and goes into full wail mode. Girl has just not had a happy life down here in the swamps.

Back to the fancy French restaurant. Bill surprises Sookie with tickets to Vermont. And then proposes marriage while proffering a ring box. (Vermont? Sly tribute to compassionate states that believe love should triumph over bigotry and hate? Hope so.) But it's a bit much and a bit fast for Sookie. She needs to visit the powder room to clear her head.

Once in the Necessary Room, Sookie realizes that she's being stupid and she IS in love. She puts on the ring and races back to the main room of the restaurant to share her joy with Bill.

To find that Bill is gone. And his chair is overturned. There's been a struggle, and Bill did not go willingingly.

Roll credits.

#79 - Survivor: Samao - Episode 2

We start with Russell in a sidebar: "Tribal council was fine. Marisa is gone because of me." Very true, you caused that. But we still hate you, so don't come running this way looking for validation.

But I'm not bitter.

Then we have a scene with Russell lying to Betsy about how he's telling everybody to save her despite the fact that she was a devil and tried to get Ashley voted out. He's not doing a damn thing to save Betsy.

Betsy in a sidebar, where she says she's not afraid of Russell. Well, good, then. But you need to realize that until you peeps all get together and figure it out, he's pretty much running the show and can slam dunk you at any second.

Flip over to the Galu tribe, where Jasmine is going off on this country living. She's whining and moaning about the living conditions, and then tells one of her perplexed tribemates: "See this? I have to walk like I have a stick up my butt."

And she keeps ranting. She's a loud girl, babbling about how all her friends were telling her that if she can survive in Dee-Troit City, she can sure as hell survive a little camping trip. Then she lets loose with a line that cracked me up: "The hood's not the woods." Sho nuff.

But that mouth of hers... not gonna work real well in the long run, no matter how funny.

Scene with Hillbilly Ben hunting, trapping a killing this gecko thing. Then shoving a stick through it and roasting it over a fire. Real manly of ya there, Ben. That gecko was what? Four inches? And you wrestled it to the ground all by your lonesome? Wow.

Hate him.

Russell H (the bad one) and Jaison have a discussion. Turns out that Russell thinks Jaison's a pretty cool, trustworthy dude. (It's not clear what Jasion is really thinking about all this, but he goes along with it.) So Russell sets up his 47th alliance of the season so far.

Then Russell announces that he's going to go look for the immunity idol. "These people are so ignorant," standing around not looking for it. Well, those people are actually trying to keep the camp running, something that you haven't contributed to at all.

So Russell moseys around a bit, then finds this odd tree right in the middle of all the action. He fiddles around at the base of it, finds an opening, looks up into the trunk, and slap-me-on-the-ass, he finds the freakin immunity idol. Right there. He shoves it in his drawers and scampers off.

Dear Gawd. Satan himself has a free pass in his underwear. Something tells me this might just be the theme of this whole season if these people don't boot Russell's ass out soon.

Russell dashes off to find Jaison and show him the immunity idol. Jasion can't help but be impressed because, hell, it's the immunity idol. And Russell showed it to him. Russell has captured another fly in his web, because Jaison then admits in a sidebar that "I think I can trust Russell." Poor guy.

We get tree mail, and it turns out that the next competition is going to be really physical.

Sidebar with Mike, the overweight 62-year-old guy. "I'm the oldest but not the weakest." He's going to prove his worth no matter what. Just as soon as he can get off the log he's been sitting on since they first swam ashore. And Mike spews a bunch of rhyming crap about how he's the greatest thing since sliced pepperoni. Not really caring for Mike right now. All talk, no movement.

So we get to the immunity/reward challenge (it's combined this time), and yes, it's going to be very physical. (And there's a twist to be revealed at the end of the competition.) Basically, people will have to fight each other in a pit, trying to get balls to other team members on an upper deck so they can try to throw the ball and score a basket. First tribe with 3 baskets wins.

Jeff says go and immediately the people in the pit are tearing at each other in something of a frenzy. It's kind of out of hand from the get go, some of the guys are really slamming each other.

The first round goes to Foa Foa.

The second round goes to Galu.

Right after this round, Jeff stops the action and says things are right on the line of getting ugly. If you don't settle down, I will pull you out of this competition. (It will come as no surprise that the worst offenders are Ben and Russell H, body-slamming women half their body weight and throwing them into the walls of the pen.)

Round 3 starts, and within seconds, Ben viciously kicks the legs out from under one of the players, and Jeff stops it all. Ben is out. The first time ever that Jeff has had to pull a player from a competition in the history of Survivor.

Foa Foa is now one man short, and Galu easily wins the third round.

Galu also wins the fourth round, meaning immunity and a reward of deluxe fishing gear.

Jeff asks Ben how he feels about being pulled out of the challenge, any regrets about how he played. And of course, Ben is a complete ass about it, refusing to believe he did anything wrong.

See, I'm thinking Ben should be pulled from the entire game and sent home for his actions. He was out of control. But I also thought Russell H should have been pulled for his actions in the last episode. How can the Survivor producers justify keeping these guys in the game? Had to say it.

Anyway, Jeff announces the twist: Russell S (the good one, and leader of the Galu tribe) has to pick one of his tribe members to go live with Foa Foa until the next Tribal Council. Russell S picks "home girl" Jasmine, the mouthy one. She struts over to the other tribe, after being given a "special clue" from Jeff that she can open later during private time.

Jeff also wants Medical to check Mike, who's clearly in some kind of haze after all the shenanigans in the pit. Medical rushes in (Why do all the Medical people always sound Australian on this show? Just wondering.) and they determine that Mike's blood pressure is extremely low and he's in danger of a heart attack. Medical pulls Mike out of the game.

Jeff announces that Tribal Council is still on, and Foa Foa will be sending another person home.

Cut to the Galu camp, where everyone is all excited, because Shambo snatched up the deluxe fishing gear and trotted off to catch come protein riches. While everyone dreams of a seafood feast, we see scenes of Shambo trying to fish in the ocean for about 20 seconds, then she spends the rest of the time floating in a pond and relaxing.

Shambo and her hair finally wander back to camp, with no fish, and the added announcement that "somehow" she lost the mouthpiece on the snorkel mask. She blows it off like it's nothing, but based on the reaction shots and commentary from the other tribe members, I'm guessing that if Galu had lost the Immunity Challenge, Shambo had better be packing her bags.

Back over at Foa Foa, visting Galu tribe member Jasmine decides to give a speech to the Foa Foa tribe. I really don't know what her point is, but she rambles on for while, babbling about not wanting this to be a cakewalk and taking candy from babies. I seriously don't know what she intended to do with that speech, but it clearly riled up Foa Foa. She also wants to talk to Ben privately.

Russell, in a sidebar, is his usual asswipe self and says Jasmine has got to go home. Dude, she's not even on your tribe, you can't vote her out yet. How deep are your delusions? I'm thinking some mental health association would love to have you as a case study.

Cut to Jasmine and Ben's private speech, where Jasmine wants to know why Ben thought it was okay for him to tackle her tiny ass in the Immunity competition when he's twice her size. It's a valid question. But Ben doesn't understand decency and sportsmanship, these are concepts beyond his comprehension.

Their discussion gets really heated and really loud, so it's no longer private and the entire Foa Foa tribe can hear the debate. Despite Jasmine's weird way of saying things, I agree with her. Ben was out of line. But Ben is NOT going to get it, it's a lost cause.

In a sidebar with Ben, he states "Jasmine is pretty close to being a hooker." Really? Based on what, Ben? How do you justify that? You can't. You're just pissed that a woman called you out for playing dirty. And since you can't defend yourself, you call her a whore. And people like you get to vote in a presidential election.

Sidebar with Ashley: Ben is a problem. He's rude in challenges, he gets kicked OUT of challenges. Sigh.

Sidebar with Russell H: He loves that Ben is causing problems, because the focus is on BEN, not him. It's only a matter of time, Russell. You dirty. It's gonna catch up to you eventually.

Cut to the Foa Foa camp at night.

Everyone is trying to sleep, but Ben is up, wandering around banging on things, cutting wood, doing dumbass crap that can wait until morning. No one can sleep.

Next morning, we see lots of scenes of unhappy Foa Foa people, clearly upset with Ben's actions. But what we don't see is any of them calling him on it. Why are you people not standing up to these two guys? I'm not impressed with sheep, just sayin.

Sidebar with Mick, the supposed leader of the Foa Foa tribe. He is insistent that Betsy needs to go home, they need to focus on the challenges. Dude, you are losing challenges and Ben is getting kicked out of those challenges. How is Ben helping you? At the end, Mick admits that Ben is an issue. Really?

Betsy, love her, tries to get votes to send Ben home, but the odds are against her. She talks to Ashley about it, who seems to be on her side, but then Ashley talks to Liv, who's sympathetic on the surface, but then trashes the Ben idea in a sidebar. (Note to self, not really caring for Liv at this point.)

Liv, stupidly, spills all to Russell. Russell then goes on a rant in a sidebar: "Betsy's going home. Betsy threatened me. Marisa threatened me. She went home. " Man, where are you coming up with this "threatening" business, dumb ass? These people did not threaten you. They disagreed with you. And you can't handle that, can you? You have some serious issues.

Time for Tribal Council.

Jeff asks Ben about the Jasmine dialogue that got heated. Ben's classy response? She's a "ghetto whore." And then Russell jumps in and trashes Jasmine as well. (Need I mention that Jasmine is sitting RIGHT THERE, not part of the eviction but able to take all this intel back to the Galu tribe.)

I'll say it right now. Both Ben and Russell H clearly hate women. There's no other explanation. And I don't think it's too much of a stretch to say that women hate Ben and Russell. And I am so hoping that it's a woman who ends the Survivor chances for both of these jerks. Fair justice.

Betsy does try going after Ben during tribal, but he's teflon at this point with Russell running the show and most of the tribe too lame to go against Russell's wishes. Betsy does point out that she's the only one who brought her bag to tribal, meaning the rest of the tribe knows Betsy is going home and didn't even bother packing.

And that, dear reader, is a black mark against the rest of the Foa Foa tribe. I don't care how crystal clear it might be about who is going home. You take your bag to tribal. It's a show of respect. Have some decency. Sadly, except for a small number of possibilities, this season so far is full of sheep or bastards.

Jeff tries again to get Ben to show some remorse for how he acted during the challenge, where he had to be removed for cheating. Ben: "You didn't tell me we had to play by your sissy rules."

I don't think I even have to mention that the clenched grimace on Jeff's face made it very clear that he will do what he can to make sure this hillbilly does not win the money. People, you don't piss Jeff off. He will let something slip during tribal that can cost you everything. Seriously.

So we finally get to the vote, and Betsy is the only one who doesn't vote for her to go home. Russell is in full control of this tribe. Turns my stomach.

Jeff ends tribal with: "It's clear that you are voting together, but are you WORKING together. Because something ain't right." Meaning Ben and Russell. Jeff don't play.

In Betsy's exit speech, she cautions that "If they don't figure out Ben, the whole tribe will go down." And honestly, the tribe deserves to do down, based on what we've seen so far. Anybody who's paying the slightest bit of attention should know that Russell is a dog. And Ben is somewhere below that.

Quit playing like sheep, Foa Foa. Do you want the money or not?

#78 - Big Brother - Season 11, Episode 30

We start off with even more flashbacks, apparently left over from the previous episode. Again, nothing new or earth-shattering. This takes a while, but we finally get to the new stuff.

Kevin in the Diary Room: “Jordan winning the second round is perfect. Now Natalie is no longer in the equation.”

Kevin tells Jordan that if he wins, he will take her with him. In fact, he gets a little crazy-eyed about his assurances, and Jordan finally calls him on it, what’s going on? Kevin is concerned that Natalie will convince Jordan to take Natalie to the end. Jordan tells him he shouldn’t be paranoid.

Jordan in the Diary Room: “I will take Natalie.”

Then we have some scenes with Natalie working Jordan, and Jordan working Natalie, and everybody starting to get a little freaky as the finale approaches. Kevin and Natalie actually get rather heated during one extended scene, and it looks like a bridge might have just been burned. Not clear, but I’m hoping so.

Cut to Michele’s arrival at the Jury House. She wastes no time in trashing Natalie about giving up the chance to play in the Veto Competition. She soon learns that she doesn’t have to trash her too hard, because it seems nobody in the Jury House is happy about Natalie. Does Natalie even have a chance?

Then we have the “official” Jury House debate, where the jury members supposedly sit around and politely discuss the voting possibilities at this point. It gets a little snippy, especially between Jeff and Lydia when it comes to Jordan. With all the bickering, it’s really not clear if there’s a definite choice. So much for that.

Finally, Round 3 of the HOH, and it’s the standard Round 3 for this sort of thing. Julie asks questions about possible statements by jury members, Kevin and Jordan have to respond with “A” or “B” for their answers. They make it all the way to a tie-breaker, so out come the chalkboards for a numeric response. Jordan gets the closest answer, and wins final HOH.

I believe people in 4 neighboring states looked up from their dinner table at the sound of my victory yell.

Jordan has to quickly decide who to evict. (We’re live here, people, keep up the pace.) After a rambling speech, she finally sends Kevin out the door. It’s Jordan and Natalie as final two.

In his exit interview, Kevin tells Julie that evicting him was Jordan’s smartest move.

Anyway, now they drag out all the jury members, and all the non-jury house guests, and everybody gets to ask questions. There’s a little snippiness, and some gentle digs, but seriously, this is all for show. Who is really going to change their mind at the last minute? (And it’s very clear that the audience LOVES Jordan, so it’s obvious how THAT vote is going to go.)

At this point, people just want the vote to happen, so I’ll cut to the chase. Here’s how it broke down:

America Jordan

Jessie Jordan

Lydia Jordan

Russell Natalie

Jeff Jordan

Michele Jordan

Kevin Natalie

And it was perfect timing that Jeff’s vote is the one that sent Jordan over the top. (Oh, and America voted him the $25K bonus prize, so a little icing to go on the cake.)

Thrilled with how this thing wrapped up. Now I just have to prepare myself for the slight depression that happens every summer after Big Brother stops controlling my life three nights a week. WHAT am I going to do with all this free time?

Don’t answer that.