Okay folks, we've got a lot to cram in, what with this being the final episode of the season. Hopefully some things will get wrapped up, but I would imagine there will be some new things for us to scratch our heads over until next year...
So we start where we left off, upstairs in Sookie's Grandma's room, with Sookie ending her wailing scream at seeing that Lafayette is all blood-eyed. And he's all bossy, too. He yells that it's time to get the egg downstairs. (Clearly, such an announcement cannot be a good thing.) Laff and Tara fiddle with the crazy egg for a bit, grunting and jumping around and whatnot, then Tara races off with the prize.
Then Laff orders Sookie to take off all her clothes. (Excuse me?) Then he shoves a dress at her, one that looks suspiciously like wedding couture of some kind, and tells her to put it on. Then they all tramp downstairs.
To what I THINK is the living room, but it's been hard to tell what room is what in this house after all that weird plant crap starting growing everywhere after Mary Ann moved in. Speaking of, Mary Ann is standing in the middle of the room, wearing Sookie's Grandmother's wedding dress. (Who knew they were the same size? How convenient) Mary Ann tells Sookie that she is going to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding tonight.
Roll opening credits.
Back to the live action. Sookie is none to happy about Mary Ann prancing around in Grandma's clothes. She tries getting this point across, but there are too many ugly bridesmaids flitting about and chattering insanely. (One of them spots Sookie and expresses her love for Sookie because "you give me extra pickles." It's going to be one of those nights.)
Even Mary Ann, queen of noise and doom, grows tired of the maids and sends them out. Mary Ann then focuses on Sookie, and wants her to do more of the weird electrical thing. Sookie, always a gracious host, tries to accomodate, but nothing happens. Mary Ann is flummoxed by Sookie, doesn't know why she can't control her with the shimmy like she can control others. It's a real nice chat and all, but can we get back to this wedding thing?
Cut to Hoyt and Momma. He's basically got her trapped in the house. She's in a tizzy, wanting to escape, because "a Gawd is comin!". He explains quite calmly that we will be dining in this evening.
Back to Mary Ann and Sookie, where Mary Ann is still miffed that she can't channel Sookie. The only other person she can't channel is Sam. And by the way, Mary Ann plans to offer Sam up as a wedding present to her new "husband". Specifically, we're talking about Sam's heart, since such things are apparently food of the gods. Nice batch of gods you got there. Hey.
Mary Ann races off to find out just where the hell Sam is, why is this taking so long, and the scene ends with an incredibly ugly headdress thing being plunked on Sookie's head. The camera lingers on this atrocity, because it truly is hideous and we apparently need to study its ugliness for a few moments.
Cut to Eric and the Queen, playing Yahtzee once again, along with a few underlings/blood whores. The Queen is toying with Eric ("Did you know there's a maenad in the Parish?") and teasing him about his thing for Sookie. Then she gets serious, warning him "Don't taste her!" Hmmm. Sookie juice a bad thing?
We then learn that it's the Queen who's forcing Eric to sell vampire blood. Oh really? And she's none too pleased that he brought it up, throwing him to the ground and threatening him that "I could own your fangs as earrings." Then they go back to playing a cordial game of Yahtzee.
Jason and Andy arrive at Sookie's house, ready to do battle with the pagan bitches. Andy's a little reluctant, but Jason is determined. "That's my grandmother's house!" And he sheds a tear, which is unexpected and touching. Then they race into the pagan mob and within ten seconds both of them are blood-eyed. Guess that plan didn't work too well.
Quick scene with Bill and Sam. Bill: "Are you aware that Mary Ann is here for YOU?" Sam just looks at him like, dude, where have you been? Bill then tells Sam that he's taking him to Sookie's and he's not giving Sam a choice in the matter. Vampires sure can be pushy sometimes.
Back to Sookie and Mary Ann. Sookie: "What's with the egg?" Well, it's an ostrich egg (which totally clears up everything, right?) and everybody is supposed to lick the egg to show devotion or praise or sheer boredom, something. I'm really not trained when it comes to tongue action during sacrificial marriages involving poultry.
Blood-eyed Jason staggers into the house, now all ready to take a part in the pageantry. His appearance of course sets Sookie off even further, and she tells Mary Ann she's not having any part of this. Mary Ann just smiles, threatens to kill Jason if Sookie doesn't get on the stage pronto, and away we go.
So now we're out in the front yard, with half the town undulating in dirty wedding wear. Bill shows up in the middle of this, dragging Sam along. Yet another thing for Sookie to twist off about, why is Bill doing this, offering Sam in exchange for Sookie? But Mary Ann's all aglow, caressing her little prize like a beloved child. Sam to Mary Ann: "This isn't for you." Mary Ann ignores this little aside and quality checks the giant offering tree to make sure there's plenty of blood and gore.
Bill whispers to Sookie: "You have to trust me."
The ceremony begins. Sam is trussed up on this wooden bier thing and carried in so the dirty deed can be performed. Mary Ann does her shimmy thing, calling on whatever it is to come marry her, and shouting incantations. Apparently part of this process involves shoving a heart into the womb of the mother. (I'm thinking that's got to be an awkward and painful activity.)
So Sam's all prepped for the gory feature act, and here comes Eggs, shoving a fancy dagger thing deep into Sam's chest. Sookie, near hysteria, still manages to get a telepathic message from dying Sam. ("Destroy all of it!") So Sookie improvises quite nicely.
While Mary Ann fiddles around with the bloody dagger that's dripping Sam's blood, Sookie races about knocking things over, ripping the artfully-placed animal organs from the offering tree, and smashing that damn egg on the ground. Hurray!
Mary Ann is not amused with this turn of events. She decides she's going to sacrifice everyone for bad sportsmanship. She does some twitchy business, then shoves her hands into the ground, pulling them back out as claws. Pretty neat trick, if I do say so. Might try that later after a few beers.
Enraged Mary Ann then thunders after the fleeing Sookie. Just when it looks like we might need a new lead actress next season, a giant bull trottles into the scene. Mary Ann pauses. What's this? Her God has finally come! Rejoice! Then the bull rears up and gores Mary Ann good and proper. Mary Ann, confused: "I am the vessel?"
No, bitch. You ain't nothin' now. The bull changes into Sam, the horn that gored Mary Ann turning into Sam's arm as he pulls back, holding Mary Ann's evil black heart. Which he then crushes. She collapses. Guess Mary Ann finally made it off the island, eh?
Instantly, all the townspeople are released from their blood-eyed captivity. Now they slowly traipse about, memories wiped, probably trying to figure out why all their sexual equipment is raw and puffy, and where they managed to find these stupid clothes. And is this Sookie's house? So many questions, so many ugly people with bad teeth.
Turns out that Sam, during Sookie's impromptu destruction of the evil wedding accoutrements, fed on Bill enough to heal and regain his strength, then transitioned into the bull to kill the confused Mary Ann. Bill to Sookie: "There was no other way of destroying her."
Cut to Hoyt and his Momma. Mom's eyes have cleared, and Hoyt realizes she's basically back to her normal self. But instead of just being happy with that, he presses Momma on why she lied about Daddy committing suicide. Oh boy. In the ensuing conversation, it's clear that Momma selfishly lied about everything so that Hoyt would never leave her. Hoyt is not happy. "I wish Jessica had finished you off."
I'm guessing Momma won't be baking Hoyt any potato-chip casseroles in the near future.
Back at Sookie's house, she orders all the dumbass townsfolk to get off her property, then she goes inside to find Tara consoling Eggs. He's really distraught about what he may have done. Well, it's nice to have honest remorse, but seriously guy, there's a lot of wack that went on. Sort it out later. As Sookie says: "We'll be cleanin' tomorrow."
Next morning, scene at Merlotte's with the townsfolk trying to figure out what caused all the blackouts. Drugs? Space aliens? Democrats? Sam, mostly to amuse himself, tells everyone there was a tainted case of vodka. Most of the crowd looks disappointed that it wasn't alien democrats.
Andy gets fed up with the rumors, and he tries to tell the truth. Jason has to pull him back. "They don't remember anything. We're heroes, Mary Ann is gone, we did that, don't matter they know."
Quick scene with Sam and Sookie. He wants to go away for a few days. (Haven't you been saying that for a while now?) Sookie wishes that people knew how special Sam was. Then some girl wanders up with a gift for Sookie. It's a purple dress. (From Bill.) Hmmm.
Then Eggs walks up (there's a lot of traffic in this scene). He wants to know about the gaps. Why was there blood on my hands? He wants Sookie to read him. She's not keen on it, but gives in. When Eggs sees that he killed Miss Jeanette, Daphne and almost killed Sam, he can't take it and runs off. Then you shouldn't have asked, Eggs. Geez. You're kind of whiny for a big guy.
Quick scene with Bill and Jessica. He thinks Hoyt is good for Jessica, and she agrees, in fact she's going over right now to make an apology for, you know, making a snack of his mother. And Bill fesses that he's taking Sookie to a French restaurant. Very sweet. But seriously, is anybody really interested in eating right now?
Sam shows up at his "parent's" home, where he apparently hasn't been in quite some time. Mom: "Never thought we'd see you again." Sam: "You abandoned me." (Well, they did see you turn into a dog and run off, let's be fair.) Sam wants to meet his "real" parents. (Oh, so he's adopted. Now I'm thinking, TWO sets of parents abandoned you? Do you really wanna take this path?)
"Mom" leads Sam back to a room where "Dad" is cleary very ill. Dad gives Sam some information on how to find his parents. And we now have a plot point for season 3.
Cut to Jessica in the cab of a semi-trailer with a trucker. She bites him. What the hell? Girl, you were supposed to be headed to Hoyt's to kiss and make up. Did the flannel shirts and smell of diesel fuel distract you?
Hoyt shows up with flowers at Bill's door, obviously looking for Jessica. No answer. He leaves the flowers and walks away. I am NOT going to be happy if this relationship gets jacked with. Just want to get that on the record.
Cut to Bill and Sookie at a fancy French restaurant that Bill has rented out. It's romantic and they dance. (But am I the only one out there that's a little bored with the Bill and Sookie thing? Just wondering.)
Back to Merlotte's parking lot, where Eggs shows up with the evil dagger and begs Deputy Andy to arrest him. Sadly, Jason chooses that moment to wander out of the restaurant, sees Eggs waving a knife at Andy, pulls a gun, and shoots him. Dead. Andy grabs the gun and tells Jason to get the hell out of there.
Of course, the sound of gunfire has all the patrons of Merlotte's running outside to see what's up, including Tara. She sees Eggs' body and goes into full wail mode. Girl has just not had a happy life down here in the swamps.
Back to the fancy French restaurant. Bill surprises Sookie with tickets to Vermont. And then proposes marriage while proffering a ring box. (Vermont? Sly tribute to compassionate states that believe love should triumph over bigotry and hate? Hope so.) But it's a bit much and a bit fast for Sookie. She needs to visit the powder room to clear her head.
Once in the Necessary Room, Sookie realizes that she's being stupid and she IS in love. She puts on the ring and races back to the main room of the restaurant to share her joy with Bill.
To find that Bill is gone. And his chair is overturned. There's been a struggle, and Bill did not go willingingly.
Roll credits.
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