So we start out with Bobby and Kay, riding in a limo after kicking up their heels at the honky-tonk. They flirt for a while (boring, unbelievable), then Kay asks him when he’s coming to Washington? Bobby: “As soon as I can.” Very sappy, just not seeing any chemistry here. And hello? April? Bobby was deeply in love with HER a mere 3 seconds ago…
Speaking of, we cut to April in her little hostage hotel room, with one of the Goons. She keeps walking around and bickering and he keeps telling her to stop walking around and bickering. Then the phone rings. The Goon answers, grunts a few times, then hangs up. “Let’s go. I’m taking you home.” April just looks at him like “but I had several more things to bitch about. Do I have time for that?”
Now we’re having breakfast at South Fork. Miss Ellie announces to Sue Ellen, JR, Bobby, and the ugly grandkids that Clayton doesn’t live there anymore. Bobby: “Boys, you’re done with your breakfast, go to school.” (Nothing like snatching food from children and then sending them away. Nice parenting.) Miss Ellie refuses to reveal any further details, but JR is so happy he could do a round-off and a back flip as he heads out the door.
Over to Ray’s house, where he and Jenna are gathering up suitcases while Charlie pouts in a rocking chair on the porch. Apparently it’s time to head for Switzerland and the evil boarding school. But Jenna is really not playing very nice, snapping at Ray that this whole operation is his fault and she’s not sure that it’s the right thing to do.
But does she slow down with the packing? Of course not. Jenna is slamming prop clothing into the prop suitcases as fast as she can, flinging them out on to the porch next to pouting Charlie. She also yells at Ray some more, getting increasingly psychotic. It seems that she has completely forgotten that his entire boarding school operation was her idea.
Jenna to Ray: “You’re making me choose between you and my daughter!”
Ray: “What?”
The Audience: “What?”
Me: “And that damn hairdo of yours, Priscilla. Seriously. Too ugly, for too long.”
Anyway, they finally get the car loaded and leave, but not before Ray tries to give Charlie a present, and she refuses to take it. “I don’t want ANYTHING from you.” Just send her away, people. Over her. Besides, maybe they have acting classes at this boarding school, and she can pick up a few pointers.
Cut to Nick, who is back at his house, apparently free and alone. He checks his messages on the answering machine. April: “They let me go!” Sue Ellen: “I’m very horny. I mean, I’m very concerned about you.” April again: “What’s going ON? Where ARE you? Are you okay?”
Nick doesn’t call any of them back. Instead, he takes off his shirt for no apparent reason and walks out of the room.
Casey arrives for a meeting that JR has arranged. JR wants Casey to sign this proxy thing so that JR can control the voting on any Westar stock shares that Casey buys as head of the dummy company he’s fronting for JR. Casey’s not really thrilled about that, and he changes the subject. What Casey really wants is a loan from JR.
JR can barely stop himself from laughing. Why would I do that?
Casey: “You can buy the valuable 20 acres in Tulsa you gave my Daddy years ago. For a couple million.”
JR: “That land ain’t worth crap. You think I’d have given that land to him if it was worth anything?” Then JR stomps away.
Really, Casey, he has a point. When are you going to learn? JR sucks. You’ve been on the show for a while now, get with the program.
Back to South Fork, with Ellie sitting morosely on the patio. Clayton drives up. She’s outraged that he did so, but he wants to talk. He pulls out the Wes Parmalee thing (you know, the guy that pretended to be Jock?) Clay stood by while Miss Ellie went through that whole mess, with her panting with lust at the thought that it might really be Jock.
Ellie: “But I didn’t SLEEP with him!”
Clay: “I didn’t sleep with Laurel!”
Ellie: “Yes you DID. David Shulton just called here and said you made love!”
Oh boy. See, we knew that guy was trouble. (For those a little fuzzy about the score card, Clay did NOT sleep with Laurel.)
Clay tells Ellie she’s out of her mind. “You call me when you come to your senses.” Then he stomps off.
Now we have Ray driving along after dropping Big Bitch and Little Bitch off at the airport. “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places” is once again playing in the background (the producers must have REALLY gotten a good deal with the song rights on that one), so we know he’s about to run into potential love fest trouble.
Sure enough, he spies a woman on the side of the road dealing with a flat tire. Ray stops. Even her spare is flat, so he’s gonna run to his house and call a wrecker. The woman, Connie, breathlessly asks, “It’s really hot out here. Can I come with?” Sure thing, hop on in.
Back to Nick’s house. There’s a knock on the door. Ray’s dripping wet in a bathrobe. (What is up with them trying to reveal his body in this episode. Is this in his contract?) He opens the door to find April, and he quickly grabs her and pulls her inside. Nick: “I told you to stay out of my life!”
April, having been held hostage and all, thinks maybe he shouldn’t be so bossy. Then she stupidly says: “Maybe I should go to the police.” He goes slightly berserk, threatens her several times, then throws her out of the house.
Clayton’s in his room at the Hotel Banishment, when Bobby arrives. Bobby just wants to hear his side of the story. So Clay finally spills all, starting with Laurel in the painting, and ending with confirmation that they never did anything.
Bobby: “And who is this David somebody that called?
Clay: “Ohhh, I’m hot about this David.” (I know, sounds dirty, but it was a simpler time.)
Bobby: “Just cool down before you do something stupid.”
Which is our clue that Clayton is indeed going to do something stupid.
Back to Ray’s house, where Flat-Tire Connie is checking out the place, noting the obvious money involved, and prying Ray for details. And of course he tells her that his wife and kid are out of town, indefinitely. Connie smiles, and pretends to be talking about his help with the tire. “I’d like to repay the kindness somehow.”
I’m sure she would.
Nick/Joey drives up to some warehouse, where he meets his brother. (Did not catch the name.) Seems brother was involved in the complex cover-up to convince the goons that their parents are dead. It’s a really long scene, with boring bits about the brother’s wife, but in the end, Joey tells the brother they have to keep the parents hidden for a while because the goons will probably be back. Then they go out for pizza.
Short scene with Cliff meeting with… I guess his business manager. Cliff is all worked up and acting even more strange than usual. Business manager guy: “Have you seen a doctor lately?” Then Cliff launches into his usual tirade about how his life is always being ruined by JR. Then we see Cliff taking more pills.
Another quick scene with Sue Ellen arriving at her office to find flowers from Nick. The card apologizes for his actions lately, and hopes she understands it was a family matter. Sue Ellen glows, and thinks of sexual positions they haven’t tried.
Sly is having dinner with Casey. He’s all sad about JR being JR. If he only had some money. Sly says she doesn’t have any money either. (Then why are both of you always in fancy restaurants? Just asking.) Cliff manages to wander up, says hateful things to Sly, warns Casey he shouldn’t have anything to do with JR, then staggers off. Sly: “He’s a bitter, bitter little man.”
David Shulton, the evil painter, arrives at his apartment. Clay’s waiting for him, and there’s some yelling and a brawl, with Clay getting in the most blows before stomping out of the apartment. (Guess Clay didn’t listen to Bobby.)
Cliff at his doctor’s office, wanting more pills. Dr: “No!” Cliff: “I just need them to relax.” Dr: “No!”
April’s at her condo, and JR shows up. He wants her to buy Westar stock. April: “But I just SOLD my Westar stock like you told me. Besides, why should I help YOU?” Then JR reminds her of all the wealth and riches she has because of him. Which is crap. But she buys it, which is completely inconsistent with her character. (Sometimes these writers are not on their toes.)
She agrees to buy stock, but when JR whips out that proxy thing, she refuses to sign. Even more interesting, he doesn’t push it, pockets the proxy, and walks out.
Plot point alert, don’t you think?
Casey is meeting with…. I don’t remember her name, one of the rich people he screwed over when he first arrived on the scene. He has a deal for her. He knows Westar stock is going to bottom, and will then hit the roof. He can tell her exactly when this is going to happen, he just wants a piece of the profits.
She ponders this briefly, acting as if she’s interested, then dumps her drink on him. “I told you once you were dead in Dallas, I guess you just haven’t realized it yet.”
Well, then.
Bobby’s out at South Fork, glistening by the pool, when he gets a call from Kay. Lots more flirty talk. She wants him in Washington BAD, call anytime.
I just don’t like her. Sorry.
Scene with Jackie, Cliff’s secretary, repeatedly buzzing the phone in his office and getting no response. Over and over. Just when we’re to the point of screaming at the screen “just get UP and go in there”, she does. Cliff is passed out on a couch. She wakes him. Jackie: “I’m worried about you. Go see my doctor.” He just looks at her. Okay, we get it, Cliff is about to have some addiction issues, and he will probably blame JR. Kind of boring. Next.
Final scene, the police arrive at Clayton’s hotel room, and arrest him for the murder of David Shulton.
Big surprise, right?
I bet Kristen actually did it. Oh wait. Maybe Cathryn did it. Oh wait. Maybe Pam did it. Oh wait….
Tune in next time….
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