Okay, fair warning, we have some really terrible acting in this episode. Not that this show was ever known for the fine quality of the actors, but still, something was really in the air this time and half the cast went off the rails…
So we start with April at her condo, getting knocked around by the goons looking for Joey/Nicholas. She offers them a million dollars if they will just leave her alone. (Are you serious? I’ll ignore you and your frizzy hair for a lot less than that.) The goons just smirk and wave a knife in her face. April immediately breaks down and spills the beans.
Quick scene with JR in his office, almost sexually aroused by the news that Westar stock is still falling. He tells sly to get April on the phone. (Um, April’s kind of busy right now, Sly, you might get the answering machine.) Oh, and get Ray Krebs as well. (Ray? What the hell?)
Cut to Nick on the phone, talking to April’s answering machine. (Which means Sly will get a busy signal when she calls, poor thing. Her work never ends.) Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. Nick is on the verge of shooting the door down when we hear Sue Ellen’s voice.
He grabs her and drags her into the room, being all rude and everything. He’s not happy that she’s there, after telling her to stay away. Sue Ellen: “I deserve better.” Nick doesn’t have time for this, she just needs to listen to him and stay away, then he throws her back out the door.
This scene was the first scene with really bad acting. When Jack Scalia tries to convey “urgent and threatening” he instead comes across as “I have REALLY got to go to the bathroom.” At the end of the scene he snatches up the phone, identifies himself as Joey, and tells the person at the other end that it’s time for “the plan.”
Quick scene with Cliff watching TV reports about the plummeting Westar stock, popping pills out of a prescription bottle, and sitting next to that horrid modern-art lamp that everyone has hated for several seasons now. I’m assuming the prop department paid too much for the ugly thing to just park it in storage somewhere.
Then we’re over at Dr. Style’s mansion (Kimberly’s daddy), with hundreds of office workers running around and typing at computers that look like microwaves. (Interesting. None of this stuff was here just a few days ago. But oh well.)
Kimberly arrives, all bossy: “You’re killing yourself. Send these people home! Stop the war with JR!” Daddy just blows her off: “I’m having the best time of my life. Thank the Lord for JR Ewing.”
I never would have imagined that a character on this show would ever say such a thing.
Quick scene with Joey being grabbed by the goons in an elevator.
(There sure are a lot of quick scenes in this episode. I checked to see who the director was. Larry Hagman. Ah, got it. He directs like his character would direct. Get it done and move on, who cares if it’s messy.)
Ray meets JR at the Cattlemen’s Club, and Ray gets right to the point: “What do you want?” Well, JR wants Ray to buy up Westar stock so they can get back at the people who hurt our daddy and took our company. Of course Ray is repulsed by helping JR with anything whatsoever: “YOU lost Jock’s company, not me.” JR then calls Ray a half-breed and stomps off. JR is such a pleasant fellow, especially when he doesn’t get his way, don’t you think?
Scene with the goons torturing Joey. Where’s daddy? Joey’s not talking, the goons continue knocking him around. “Your father turned against the family!” More beatings, more not talking from Joey.
(In the control room, the show producers heave a heavy sigh. Even trying to BEAT an actual performance out of Jack Scalia is not working. Oh well, the contract’s been signed, there’s nothing they can do.)
Scene with April sitting on the bed of what appears to be a hotel room, being guarded by another goon who is not really paying attention to her while he tears into a sandwich. She’s not really tied up or anything, and could easily slip out the door while the goon is bonding with his meal. But she doesn’t. She just sits there and whines while he ravages the sandwich, mayo dripping from his chin.
Stupid scene, really. Unless the writers plan to eventually hook these two up romantically, and this is the cross-over scene where April first begins to ponder a possible like as a mafia princess. Not too far-fetched of an idea for this show, so I’m not excluding it yet.
Over to Ray and Jenna’s house, where they are having a “come to Jesus” meeting with Charlie and thus initiating another round of really bad acting. Jenny and Charlie are bad enough when they are not in the same scene, but put them together and it’s like zombies fighting their way out of a paper bag that the prop people have already conveniently torn for them.
Jenna: “This house has become a battleground!” (Really, a battleground? I guess I have a different idea of a battleground.) They both tell Charlie that they are sending her away to a boarding school in Switzerland. Charlie reacts in her typical demure fashion. She screams at Ray “You’re not even my FATHER!” and then screams at Jenna “I’ll always hate you for this!” Then she runs out.
The goons drive Joey to the house where we know his parents live because of a previous episode. (“Clinton, Indiana” appears on the screen, like that’s important in any way, other than to wonder how they drove from Dallas to Indiana in about twenty minutes.)
They go to the door. Hey, there’s a different family living there now. What? They’ve been there about 6 months. What? Mr. and Mrs. Pearce were killed in a tragic car accident. What? Joey breaks free of the goons, but instead of running like hell, he stops next door and bangs on the window. The lady neighbor comes out and immediately starts consoling Joey. “You poor thing, such a terrible tragedy. Oh, you didn’t KNOW? Poor, poor thing. Let me pat you on the head with fake tenderness.” The Joey starts crying.
Olive branch to Mr. Scalia: Dude, you actually did well in this scene. Keep practicing!
Cut to Sly showing up somewhere that Casey is playing basketball with some homies. This scene was meant to show that their romance is growing, but basically it was just an opportunity for Andrew Stevens to prove that he does indeed have a personal trainer and a pretty good tan.
Back to Ray and Jenna’s house, where she’s having second thoughts about shipping her bad actress daughter off to the place where they make really good chocolate. She mopes around a bit in her ugly hair, and then tells Ray she is going with Charlie and will stay “as long as she needs me.”
Sort of missing the point a bit, aren’t you, Jenna?
Miss Ellie arrives home in a limo, fresh from her vacation. The ugly grandkids are there, running around wanting to know what kind of presents Grandma brought them. (No, they’re not spoiled at all.) Inside the house we have Bobby, Sue Ellen, and eventually JR. They chat a bit, but interestingly enough, not a single person asks how Lucy is doing, even though that’s where Miss Ellie has just been for the last week or so.
Poor Lucy. Even when Charlene Tilton was ON the show, she never got a decent break.
Anyway, Miss Ellie does have all kinds of questions about Clay. Where is he? What’s he doing? When’s he coming home? Why isn’t he here to meet me? Everyone else in the room looks at each other knowingly. Miss E’s still hung up on something terrible she thinks Clay is doing. Just to ensure we understand that Miss Ellie is indeed obsessed, we have a close-up of her crinkly, tear-stained face.
Another scene with Sly and Casey. This time he is showing her the vacant offices he rented when he thought he was going to make something of himself before JR squashed him. He whines a little bit about JR. “Didn’t even know my daddy was DEAD!” And some other “never get a decent break” dialogue. Sly is all supportive, he’ll make it, don’t let the offices go. Then she smiles sweetly.
Okay, folks, time to get this plotline going. Clearly, the script eventually calls for them to be together. Let’s get to that point, and let’s not have any more budding-love scenes with Sly wearing slightly frumpy Laura Ashley couture and Casey “aw shucking” his way around the set.
Quick scene with Joey and the goons. They aren’t really buying the car accident thing. “We’ll find out just how dead they really are.”
Clayton finally arrives at South Fork from… somewhere. (Pork Rind City?) He has a weird conversation with Miss Ellie, where Miss E is fishing for something to justify her neurotic state. Clay doesn’t give her any validation. They get nowhere. Meanwhile, Sue Ellen is sitting there watching them, sporting one of those weird-ass hairdos they slap on her from time to time.
Note to the producers and hair people. Linda Gray does not do well with funky, new-wave hair. Leave it alone. I don’t care if your numbers are falling in the coveted 18-49 demographic.
Cut to Bobby’s office, where he’s pretending to look busy, when suddenly Kaye, of the Washington, D.C. Kayes, struts into the room. What’s this? Kaye: “I’m impulsive. I decided to visit Dallas and I need a Dallas guide. Know one?” Bobby grabs his jacket and off they go.
Cut to a cemetery, where Joey and the Goons are walking around, looking for Joey’s parents’ graves. And they find them. Holy cow. Guess they really are gone.
During this whole scene, planes are taking off and landing right behind them. Well then. This cemetery is located right at the end of a landing strip. Convenient, no?
Then we have Bobby and Kaye strolling into some honky-tonk, while “Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places” is playing in the background. But despite the overbearing message of the music, Bobby and Kaye flirt, giggle, and then eventually head out to the dance floor, where Bobby kisses her.
I guess Bobby’s over Pam. And April. Hey, wait a minute, where IS April? We haven’t seen her since the first of the episode. Her damn answering machine got more screen time than she did.
Final scene.
Clay’s working late at his office. Miss Ellie walks in. “We’ve got to talk.”
Clay: “Well then, sit down.”
Miss Ellie plops down in a chair that conveniently is located right next to the (second) painting of Laurel. She sees it and snaps. “I saw her kiss you! I saw you leave this building together!”
Clay: “A man’s allowed to have friends. Nothing happened.”
Miss Ellie is crying hysterically. “Then WHY are you seeing her?” At least I think that’s what she said. That girl can blubber and snort on cue. She may have just been asking if the mussels are fresh in the restaurant downstairs, but I kind of doubt it.
Clay: “She made me feel like a man.”
Oh boy. Clayton, you done stepped in it GOOD.
Ellie: “Don’t blame me! I trusted YOU!” (There’s now enough water pouring out of Ellie’s eyes that the National Weather service is forced to run a banner at the bottom of the screen. “It’s okay. This is not real. You are safe. No need to evacuate.”)
Clay: “Nothing’s changed.” (Clayton has a look on his face like “this is a REALLY long scene. Surely they’re going to cut some of it. When can I stop acting?”)
Ellie: “I can’t live with a man I don’t trust anymore. It’s too LATE!”
Clay: “Let’s go home.”
Miss Ellie leaps to her feet. (You can hear the water gush out of her sensible shoes. One of the chairs floats away.) “YOU go home. And get your things. I want you OUT!”
Oh. She sounds pretty serious there, Clayton. Looks like you’re in kind of a pickle. Have you checked your contract lately?
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