So we start off with Sookie still in the hospital bed, screaming her head off because Bill is approaching her. Alcide pulls him away, and various people about the room provide commentary on this action, both pro and con. Jason, leaning in to the no-longer-comatose Sookie: “Are you brain dead?”
So many ways I could go with that, Jason. So many.
Sookie, apparently miraculously recovering from her initial fright: “I want to speak to Bill alone.”
Tara offers colorful commentary on why this displeases her.
Lafayette, apparently the only sane person in the room, having read the books and all, shoos everybody out, leaving our two former lovers alone.
Bill: “I never meant to hurt you. I couldn’t stop myself.”
Sookie: “I don’t even know how to start forgiving you. Our relationship has been one long, bloody fight. It’s never gonna happen.”
Bill gets all mushy. He only desires a life for Sookie full of white picket fences, thousands of children, and clean linoleum, but “I cannot give it to you. I love you, Sookie Stackhouse.” The here come his blood tears as he pops the IV out of his arm and saunters away to see if the cafeteria is still open.
Sookie starts bawling, meaning she has used both of her best skills in this scene, screaming and crying, so she probably got paid extra.
Roll opening credits. Road kill and bald people.
Now we’re at Russell’s plantation house, in a foyer busy with people, while in the background we can hear the newly sham-married Queen Sophie of Whatever hollering at underlings about the condition of her personal chambers. Zoom in on Talbot and Russell, with Talbot absolutely livid about his husband marrying somebody else, especially a loud female. As we see Eric eavesdropping around the corner, Russell tries to soothe Talbot. They share a tender moment.
But the makeup sex is quickly put on hold when Russell utters “Oh, by the way, things might get a little complicated around here.” What with me having killed the Magister and all. My bad. But they won’t be able to trace it to me. Talbot cares very little about who traces what, but he’s not impressed with the potential for more spilled blood on his lace finery. He storms up the stairs to attend to the belligerent Sophie.
Eric takes this opportunity to step forward and address Russell: “There’s a were-bitch in your study.”
I often find myself saying this exact thing. Small world.
Russell strolls into said study, and discovers nasty, druggy Debbie who is displeased with the day’s activities. “They killed my Cooter!”
So many ways I could go with that, Debbie. So many.
She wants revenge and she wants it now. And she likes to use that graphic “C” word a lot. Russell and Eric then launch into a discussion concerning the merits of keeping a certain Miss Stackhouse alive. Debbie, sensing that she has lost the floor, wanders off in search of blood-based entertainment.
Russell: “Sookie could be my secret weapon.” Eric is not so sure that she can be trusted. Russell: “Well, can I trust YOU?” After all, you turned on your queen. (Oh, lighten up, Russ. Everybody turns on the queens sooner or later. This is what makes them bitter, although it does provide good material for their drag shows.)
Eric, wanting to ensure that he stays in Russell’s good graces until he can carry off his nefarious plot, offers fake platitudes. “I have been searching for you for 1,000 years… you are a true leader… Godric, my maker, was weak in the end.” Then Eric drops to the floor and kisses Russell’s ring. Russell smiles, because a man on his knees before him IS finer than being in Carolina in the morning.
Cut to Arlene and Terry in bed, with Terry crooning a song to the baby in her belly. Very sweet. Until Terry turns into Renee, Arlene’s Ex that killed people a few season ago. As Renee says creepy things, we get the impression that HE is the daddy of the baby that we know is not Terry’s. Then Arlene screams and wakes up. Damn those enchiladas before bed!
Switch to Bill’s house, where Jessica is hugging the just-returned Bill. But their reunion is cut short. Bill: “You must leave. I release you.” Jess: “What the hell does that mean?” I’m new, remember? Don’t know the rules yet. Then she stands firm. “I ain’t going anywhere. I drained somebody!” And I only did that because you haven’t been having class like you’re supposed to, butthead.
Bill: “I can’t protect you!” Jess: “I don’t wanna be alone anymore.” Then here come HER blood tears, meaning there was a big makeup budget for this episode. She cries a lot, quite believably, so Anna Paquin better watch her back if she wants to keep having the big emotional scenes in this series.
Then we’re at Sookie’s house, with her and Alcide sitting on the couch and chit-chatting like people aren’t dead across two states. She tells him she’s fine, he can go. Alcide: “I ain’t leaving you alone right now.” Deputy Acting Chief Andy walks in with Jason. Jason: “You need to press charges” against Bill. Sookie, taken aback: “It’s in his NATURE,” what he did. “Besides, it’s over between me and Bill.” He won’t come a courtin’ no more.
Then Sookie mind-reads Jason and Andy, and realizes there’s something going on between the two, and they’re worried that she’ll find out. Sookie: “I’ll find out WHAT?” More heated words are exchanged without any real explanations, and then Jason storms off into the night. No word if Andy ever leaves, especially if there was fresh pie in the kitchen.
Tara and Lafayette, somewhere, maybe his house. Laff: “You ever gonna tell me” what happened? Tara: “Some day.” Laff: “You got a death wish?” Tara: Until this Franklin thing went south, “I never realized how much I wanted to live.” Then Laff massages Tara’s feet, which means they tight again.
Over to Sam’s house, where Sam is sniffing the air because he’s got skillz. His nose leads him to the front door, where there’s a dog who transitions into Trashy Momma. He pulls her inside, and we learn that this is the big “departure scene” where she and Nasty Daddy are headed for the hills and leaving Tommy behind. Momma to Sam: “Take care of my boy.”
Almost touching. Then Momma asks Sam for money, because she IS trash after all, and when he shoves a wad of bills at her, she has the nerve to whine that it’s not enough. “That ain’t gonna get us far.” Sam is done. “Get out!” And she does. Whereupon Tommy bursts into tears. He’s gonna miss his abusive parents that made him turn into a dog and fight in sleazy betting venues. So sad.
Tara’s in a nice, non-gaudy bathroom, so it can’t be Laff’s place, taking a shower and all. She gets her some suds going and then decides to fondle her hoopty. Suddenly, Franklin rears up and plants one on her. Tara wakes up screaming, which seems to be a recurring theme in this episode.
Laff walks up to his house (at least I think it is), and before he can get in the door, his Momma suddenly appears and throws what looks like a statue of Buddha at him. She all crazy, natch, and has apparently escaped from the Cajun Clinic for Not-Right People where she had been staying and Laff met Jesus. She’s hollering something about having to protect Laff from… I don’t know, bad manufacturing runs of mascara.
Now we have Sookie sprawled out on some blanket in her yard, catching a few rays and crying. (Maybe she doesn’t know where her sunglasses are.) Tara sprawls beside her, and they converse. Sook: “This is nice. My whole life is at night now.” Tara: “You goin’ back to him?!?” Sook: Naw. “But what we had was real.” Tara: “Bill is cold and crazy!” Then Tara leaps to her feet and stomps away.
And runs into Alcide. When she spies the way Alcide gazes up at Sookie, Tara encourages him to go forth and conquer. To make the conquest even more appealing, Sookie does a half sit-up and pushes her breasts forward in anticipation.
We see Jason digging into a trunk and dragging out his weaponry and ammo from his stint at the Fellowship of the Sun days, with military music playing on the soundtrack in case in wasn’t clear that Jason is going postally obsessive about his situation. Somebody bangs on the front door. It’s Crystal. She’s dripping wet, somebody socked her in the eye, and she needs Jason’s truck. “I swam so there’d be no scent.” (What the hell?) Jason: You ain’t gettin’ my truck til you tell me what happened.
Over to Merlotte’s, where Tara has another Franklin flashback, causing her to drop a bottle of conveniently blood-colored liquor that splashes on her pretty shoes. We see Arlene interviewing a new potential waitress, who appears undeterred by the fact that lots of Merlotte’s servers end up dead. She needs the money. And if she dies, well, who cares about the bills at that point?
Jason and Crystal, with her explaining that her fiance Phil DID hit her, not because of Jason’s visit, but because she told him she ain’t gonna marry him. Jason’s eyes light up at this revelation. Jason: “Why do you make me feel this way? Like I’m home.” Awww. Then she gets rude-like and bellows that she needs to go home. Jason counterattacks with one of his deadly kisses, and she’s his for the plucking, despite a last-minute warning from her sweaty lips about her people. “You don’t know them.”
Back to Laff’s house, where Jesus has just showed up. Jesus, apologetic about Laff’s mom jumping the fence and running for glory: “It won’t happen again.” Laff invites him in, then there’s a bit of a quibble when Jesus correctly guesses that Laff didn’t call the police about Momma because Laff didn’t want the police sniffing out his illegal goody stash. Bitterness rears its head.
Well, we know these two are really meant to be together, so Crazy Momma (Regine, by the way) races out of the kitchen brandishing a large knife in an odd manner that indicates perhaps she has never actually prepared a meal. “I ain’t goin’ nowhere, I gotta protect Lafayette!” From whatever it is. Jesus assures her: “I’m not gonna let anything happen to him.”
Cut to Russell’s house, where we see Sookie’s cousin Hadley as she departs from Queen Sophie’s room after presumably providing some type of service. Eric suddenly grabs her and breathily informs Hadley that she must deliver an exact message to Sookie. Or she might have to, you know, die and stuff.
Back to Sookie and Alcide on the front porch of her house, catching a nice breeze before they pickle something. He gets a call. Apparently Slutty Debbie is up to no good, having burned down a beauty parlor or something. Alcide: “I gotta go, but come with.” Sookie: I’m not runnin’ anymore. Alcide: “I ain’t leaving you alone. (You already said that, Alcide. You really need to chat with the writers.) Sookie: Don’t worry. “Bill will come” if I need him.
Then they stand on the porch steps and gaze at one another in subtle lust. She hugs him, which only inspires more lingering of eyes in breasty-like places and some heavy breathing. I’m thinking Sookie needs to fan herself and suck down a cool mint julep or two.
Over to Merlotte’s, where Sam tells Tommy to keep an eye on Tara. Tommy apparently misunderstands this directive, and decides to attack Hoyt when he comes in. “Jessica is too good for you!” Hoyt is understandably perplexed, but as Tommy continues to threaten (“I’m a Merlotte and I don’t want you in here!”) Hoyt rises to the challenge and counters back, thinking he can easily take the comparatively diminutive Tommy, not realizing that Tommy knows his way around a pit bull dog bowl.
Sam marches out and drags Tommy off to his office. “You don’t have to fight all the time! Get some goals in your life!” Tommy is unrepentant. “You don’t know me at all!” Well, I don’t know you either, butt munch, but drop the attitude. This isn’t “Dynasty”.
Shots of Jessica and Bill at his house, as he trains her in the art of moving really fast. They take a break. Jessica: “Why aren’t you with Sookie?” Bill: “It’s over.” Jessica: “But you love her!” Bill: “Which is why I have to let her go.” Jessica: “I love Hoyt, but he deserves better.” Then they go back to running up walls and throwing each other through chimneys.
Cut to Sookie sitting somewhere in her house, perusing her “Bill loves Sookie” scrapbook with pictures and high-school scribbling. (Um, just WHEN did she have time to make this volume?) Then she has flashbacks to Bill, rudely treating her like an hors d’oeuvres in the back of the fleeing van. She slams the book shut and tosses it aside, much to the chagrin of some prop person who probably spent three weeks putting the damn thing together.
Sookie hears odd noises outside the house, so she instantly grabs her trusty shotgun, because you get used to doing such in a town where so many people eat each other. Turns out it’s just cousin Hadley, dropping by for an example of why you really need to keep in touch with your relatives, or at least read the series of books that your family has inspired. “Is Gran here?”
They proceed to the dining room and catch up a bit (“Did you hear that Uncle Blowforth’s cow Daisy had a two headed calf? Looks just like Aunt Petulia before she started taking those meds.”), then Hadley gets to the real reason for her visit. “I have a message for you, from Eric. Russell is coming for you. And oh, don’t trust Bill.”
Sookie, also guilty of lackluster tab-keeping on relatives: “How are YOU involved in all of this?”
Hadley: “Gotta go!”
Sookie: “If Russell wants to find me, he’s going to find me.”
Then Hadley dashes off into the night, with Sookie trying to read her thoughts but only getting enough to know that Hadley told Eric SOMETHING very important, but it’s not clear what. Sookie shuts the door and then goes to work on a nice Sudoku puzzle whilst staring at the ugly wallpaper that Gran insisted on keeping for 130 years.
Zip over to Russell’s manor, where he and Talbot are fighting once again, something about neglect and boredom. Talbot decides to rip open the pretty display cabinets and start smashing priceless artifacts, because he’s all about being the center of attention, destructive or not. Eric stops Talbot just before he hurls the sacred Viking helmet against an exquisite fabric-covered wall. Eric to Talbot: “I’ll keep you company.”
Oh?
Crystal and Jason, lying about post-coital and languidly stroking each other’s sweat-drenched skin. Crystal: “What am I gonna do now?” (Um, check for STD’s, because Jason bangs multiple gongs like nobody’s business.) Jason: “We’re together now.” Crystal: “I almost believe you.” Then her stomach growls, because THAT’S sexy. “I’ll go get us something to eat.” She hops in the shower, while he grabs a gun and heads out the door. Apparently getting a Breakfast Muffin at the Jack in the Box in this town requires firepower.
Merlotte’s again, with Tommy gazing in lust at some blondie sitting in a booth. Nearby, Sam sniffs the air and smells trouble. In walk two rednecks, who just happen to be Crystal’s daddy and her ex-beau Phil. They know she’s here. “Her truck is outside.” Sam doesn’t care. “You ain’t welcome here.” They beg to differ, with Phil spitting on the floor. Tommy runs up and tries to brawl, but Sam knocks him to the side with minimal effort. Finally, the asshats leave. Tommy to Sam: “You smell that?”
Well, no, I don’t have a handy scratch-and-sniff card, but I’m assuming you aren’t getting a whiff of the latest green tea and citrus candle from Pier 1.
Lafayette and Jesus, at Laff’s house. Jesus has just talked to the mental hospital, and arranged for Regine to stay the night. That done, Jesus says to Laff: “Your momma said you were powerful. It’s true, you know.” Laff: Naw. Jesus: “Dealing drugs is very dangerous for someone like you.” (By someone like Laff, do you mean someone who wants to stay out of jail? Exactly what do you know, Jesus? And yes, I asked that knowing full well that the responses could be many and varied.)
Laff: “Trying to stop dealing is hard.” This inspires Jesus to kiss Laff. Aww, part 2.
Talbot and Eric are playing chess. When Eric wins, Talbot, because he’s such a good sport, sweeps the pieces to the floor. “I’m bored. Take off your clothes.” Eric: A little privacy? Talbot to the milling servants: “Everybody out.” Then Eric begins to undress, and DVR’s across the nation are immediately put on slo-mo. Eric: “It’s been a long time.” Talbot: “Since you’ve been with a man?” Eric: “No. Since I’ve been with a vampire.”
Well, then.
Jason, toting a shotgun, marches into the environs of what I think is that meth lab where he first spied Crystal before they played slap and tickle by the moonlit lake. Whilst continuously hollering “Anybody here?”, he tromps through the decadent surroundings as we hear flies buzzing and see smears of blood on the dusty floors. Eventually Jason encounters a naked man feasting on something that is probably not on a vegetarian menu. Jason runs.
Only to come across Crystal’s daddy driving up in a pickup, because that’s all that anybody drives around here, except for Sookie with that ugly yellow car she used to have. Jason to Daddy, waving the shotgun about menacingly: “You’re gonna leave Crystal alone or the whole police department will come after you! Do ya feel me?” Then Jason drives off in a whirl of incestuous and backwoods dust. Daddy grins in a manner that indicates he’s not impressed with former football captains seeking trespass with his offsping. “I feel ya, boy.”
Sookie is standing at one of the many windows in her house, just wanting to bathe in some moonlight rays, when she hears howling approaching her dwelling. Werewolves have come a calling. Then we see Angry AND Slutty Debbie kicking in the front door as two wolves accompany her destructive tendencies. Debbie races inside, eyes flashing with vengeance and considerable madness.
Interestingly enough, Bill darts out of the darkness and takes on one of the wolves. Then Jessica, smiling brightly, takes on the other. Robust fight scenes ensue. We see Debbie rushing up the stairs and ungraciously pounding on Sookie’s bedroom door. She kicks it in, and encounters Sookie with her beloved shotgun. Despite Debbie’s unappreciative and dark mutterings, Sookie tries to help Debbie understand that people still love her. She can find redemption despite multiple couplings with underworld beings.
Debbie, simple and easily confused addict that she is, decides to ignore the Hallmark moment and jump upon Sookie. We have a full-on slapfest as they tussle about the room, destroying exquisite furniture that would make a bundle on the “Antiques Road Show”.
Meanwhile, Jessica chases her errant wolf out the front door, and is immediately captured by Russell, who has apparently caught the vampire red-eye flight from Mississippi. Bill wanders out onto the porch to survey this latest development. Russell to Bill: “I’ll trade this redhead for your blonde.” Bill: “No.” To show his dissatisfaction with this response, Russell bites into Jessica’s neck. She screams appropriately. Bill to Russell: “Are you a coward, or are you just lazy?”
I quite enjoyed that line. Kudos to somebody on the writing team.
Enraged, Russell tackles Bill and then stomps on his face with a silver spur. So much for southern charm.
Back to Sookie and Debbie upstairs, where we have a major knock-down, hair-pulling rumpus going on. This goes on for quite some time, and I’m fully expecting a WWF referee to jump into the ring and stop the goings on for legal reasons. Just as Debbie seems to be triumphing by repeatedly slamming Sookie’s head to the floor, industrious Sookie grabs a nearby pair of scissors and lacerates misguided Debbie and her drug-addled body. As Debbie moans in displeasure, Sookie locates her trusty shotgun.
Another shot of more-powerful Russell kicking the pudding out of Bill.
We zip back to Russell’s plantation, where Eric and Talbot are completely naked, rolling about in front of a fire. Eric maneuvers Talbot into a position where he can breach enemy lines, so to speak, and Talbot swoons in ecstasy. Eric calmly grabs an intricately-carved wooden stake, and utters vengeful words as he takes both Talbot’s love flower and life from behind. Sprays of blood fill the air, and the linen in the room will never be the same.
Over in Louisiana, Russell hears Talbot’s screams and immediately flies into the air.
Upstairs, Sookie finally chases that horrid Debbie off. We see Debs turn into a misleadingly snow-white wolf who darts into the night.
Bill tramps up to Sookie’s room, and they rush into each other’s arms, each of them proclaiming “I’m sorry!” at least 46 times. (We get it, people.) Then they embrace each other in the passionate delirium of a love that will never end. The music, among other things, swells.
We see Hoyt driving his truck around the bend of a country road, then the camera pans to Jessica just off to the side of said road, making an impromptu meal out of the werewolf she has managed to capture after Russell tossed her to the side and focused on using his footwear against Bill.
Final shot is of Sookie and Bill, REALLY going at it in a startlingly rutting manner, with appendages bouncing and sweat flying. I guess all is forgiven when you successfully fight off werewolf attacks and survive distracted Vampire Kings called away on urgent business.
Roll end credits.
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