We start with the review of the last episdoe (Kristen cries, Hayden lies, blah, blah) and then here comes the Announcer Guy with far too many questions: “Who will win HOH? Will the HOH open Pandora’s box? Will there be a new Saboteur in the house? Will Julie ever figure out that she needs to have more than one facial expression?”
Cut to the giant paint can still rotating in the courtyard. No one looks very happy, and everyone has blotchy paint on their couture. We watch them turn for a while, hoping that someone falls and thereby creates some excitement. But they don’t, the damn thing just keeps turning and nothing is happening, so we instead have some Diary Room confessions:
Brendon: “I gotta win this thing!” No, duh. But seriously, let’s have some originality in the Diary Room, shall we? I’d pay good money for someone to just scream “I have crabs!” and then point.
Matt: “We gotta get The Bridge name up in lights!” Really? Are you planning on a Broadway Show? The Brigade starring in “Sunday in the Park with Whores”.
Hadyen: “Kristen deserves to be here way more than those clowns (Rachel and Brendon).” And whys is that, Hay? Because Kristen was so good at what? Crying? Because that’s all I’ve got in MY notes.
Rachel: Whoops, I have her name down like she said something, but no quotes or remarks. Let’s just assume she said something really loud and obnoxious, and made people not care for her even more.
Kathy: “I knew I was the only vote for Hayden. And the last time I was the only vote, I went straight to the block. But I’m not a puppet!” Not sure about that, Kath. With that painted-on surprised expression on your face, you certainly look like you might be sitting on someone’s hand.
Britney: “I had a huge blob of paint right over my mouth!” That was a sign from God, Britney. Think about it. And talk less.
Back out to the courtyard, paint can still whirling. Suddenly, Kathy hollers “I’m gonna take the Have-Not for everybody. Deal?” Then she hit’s the ground like a sack of potatoes. Everyone just stares at her, because that was kind of stupid. (Kathy in the Diary Room: “I want them to think I’m not a threat.” Done.)
Then Lane is in the Diary Room, initially babbling something boring about how strong he is, then he shows us his flexed right bicep. Holy cow that thing is big. I think my life just changed in some significant way.
We keep getting treated to shots of Rachel, sitting off to the side and hollering at Brendon on the paint can: “You’re the best EVER!” Over and over. To the point where the entire Western hemisphere wants to kill her.
Then Enzo gives up and drops. (Matt in the Diary Room: “Enzo is the most selfish player in the game,” always letting other people work for a win. Then kick him off your team, dude. Problem solved.)
Brendon drops. (Rachel in the Diary Room: “I’m SO frustrated with him. He needed to win for me. I did it TWICE for him.” Then she turns to her hair for sympathy, and they have a rare moment of silence as they consider their fates.)
Brendon limps over to where pouty Rachel is sitting, with Brendon being all apologetic and Rachel pretending to understand even though she doesn’t. This leads to extended bickering. Oh, just break up, you two. Nobody cares anymore.
Lane goes down (so much for those biceps), Britney goes down (making a squeak of slight pain that I enjoyed far too much), and then Hayden tumbles. (Hayden in the Diary Room: “The fate of The Brigade is in Matt’s hands again.” Matt in the Diary Room: “Getting a little tired that it’s always me” that pulls The Brigade through. So, maybe you need to jump alliances, eh? Aren’t you supposed to be the smart one?)
Finally, Ragan goes down and Matt wins HOH.
Immediately, Matt, Enzo and Hayden race to the pantry, again working really hard to hide their alliance. Hayden and Enzo act all cocky, even though they had nothing to do with the win.
Brendon approaches Rachel in one of the rooms, doing the “puppy dog that just wants to be loved” thing. Rachel fiddles with a stack of underwear or something, pretending to be busy and not upset, even though she is. When he persists with his pathetic neediness, she pushes him away. He wanders off to piddle on the carpet somewhere.
It’s time to see Matty’s HOH Room, so everybody tromps up the spiral staircase for a round of fake “ooohhing” and “aaahhing”. Britney intentionally goes overboard, having small orgasms as she fondles knick-knacks about the room. She’s actually entertaining, and I can briefly tolerate her.
A bit later, Matt goes into the HOH Room alone, and there’s that giant question mark on the wall and the whole Pandora’s box mess. It seems he can win the “diamond power of veto” if he opens Pandora. Matt contemplates the possible stipulations (“maybe I can’t tell anybody and this will backfire on me”) but then he decides he doesn’t care. “Let’s do it.”
Matt snatches up the Veto and some more detail. He has the power to pull somebody off the block AND name the replacement. He can do this once anytime over the next two weeks. But he can’t tell anybody. And, oh yeah, something really bad is going to happen to the rest of the house. Have a nice day!
Matt runs to his suitcase, hides the diamond Veto, snatches up the “$1” card he won during the wet wiener ride, then marches downstairs and assembles the houseguests. He tells them a bogus story about only winning one dollar.
No one really buys his story for a second. (Even Lane fesses in the Diary Room that “something’s fishy”.) Then we have a few scenes with various folks still not believing Matty. Hayden, Ragan and Kathy are in the daybed room, with Ragan pontificating: “The thing with Pandora’s box is that there’s always good and bad.” Ragan thinks that someone is going to be brought back into the house.
Two seconds later, Ragan finds out some of what’s really going on.
He’s called to the Diary Room, and finds his name on an envelope. “Oh, this is NOT good.” He opens it and reads the offer: became the Saboteur, pull three tricks a week for two weeks, and win $20K. He contemplates for a very long, starting to get boring, time, and then decides if America voted for him to do it, he will.
Instantly, the Announcer Guy is informing us “We have a new Saboteur!” (Um, yeah, we just saw that, thanks though.) “Send in your Saboteur suggestions!”
Later, Rachel wanders up to Matt and Ragan lounging on the daybed. Rachel: “I know you’re gonna put me up unless I make a deal.” Ragan asks if he should leave, and Rachel says she doesn’t really care, “I know you guys are a team.” This remark sets Ragan off, not sure why, perhaps that hand he has shoved down the back of his pants found something he hadn’t wished to find. Ragan: “No one in this house has approached me. We are NOT a team.”
It gets worse. Rachel tries explaining that she didn’t really mean anything with the remark, but Ragan doesn’t believe her. The words get louder and louder. I don’t really know what the motivator here is, but I’m thinking Ragan is way out of line or that we have missed a prior confrontation.
Brendon hears the arguing, and comes in to “have Rachel’s back”. This just stirs things up even more, we get even louder, and now the whole house can hear. Rachel finally turns to Brendon: “Why don’t you and Ragan leave?” They stomp out the door, glaring at one another.
Matt: “I know that’s not why you came in here.” Rachel: “I’m not sure there’s any reason to talk, now.” Then Rachel just sits there glumly, her hair distressed and forlorn.
Meanwhile, out in the kitchen area, Brendon tries explaining to the other peeps what just happened, and Ragan now jumps on HIM. More yelling. Sighing, Rachel marches out there, grabs her doggy by the tail, and drags him back to the daybed, where Matty is grinning from ear to ear as he sucks up all this drama which takes the attention completely off of him.
Rachel to Matt: “Why not have two strong people on your side?” Matt: Because I know that one of you is still going to come after me.
Later still, we hear odd sounds on the video monitor, and everybody in the house, probably out of sheer boredom, starts screaming “The Saboteur!” and running to the couch room like they all got a gas bubble at the same time. They gaze at the monitor in rapture as Darth Vader speaks again: “Guess who’s back? Thanks, Matt, for opening the box. You all better watch your back or I’ll be stabbing you in it!”
The monitor goes dead, there’s a long discussion about why ANYBODY would WANT to be the Saboteur (Ragan tries not to gulp too obviously, but dude, you look like an extra in “The Ring”), and then people line up at the Diary Room door.
Matt: “I shoulda never touched it.” (Oh, you could have touched it. The problem was your lame-ass story that even your mother wouldn’t believe.)
Britney: “I’m pissed off! There’s enough drama” in this house already. (Which means even less of a spotlight on YOU, which irks you greatly. I know, right?)
Ragan: “I am FREAKING. OUT!” (Well, unless you’re really, really good with this Saboteur thing, you won’t have to be freaking out for very long. Instead, you’ll be talking to Julie and clutching your Lady Gaga CD.)
More Diary Room mess, as Matt decides who he’s putting on the block:
Rachel: “Matt is too much of a pansy NOT to nominate us.” (Pansy, probably. Tired of you in general? Bingo.)
Enzo: “We’ll see if the gremlin does what he’s supposed to do.” (I totally don’t get this crappy 1970’s car reference. Is Matty ugly with a hatchback?)
Matt: “It’s time to take this nomination thing to a whole new level.” (Which is fancy talk for “I’m going to nominate Rachel and Brendon.”)
Time for the Nomination Ceremony.
Matt nominates Rachel and Brendon.
Matt: “This couldn’t be less personal or more strategic. You guys are a major power in the house.”
Rachel in the Diary Room, crying: She babbles something about Brendon being a lost puppy. Or maybe she’s the lost puppy. Or there’s a lost puppy in her hair. I don’t remember, because this is all overridden by her last statement, where she admits to really, really needing another Botox injection.
This is girl is just so wrong on so many levels.
Roll end credits.
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