#154 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 17

We start with the traditional review of the last episode (Rachel cries, Brendon implodes, Kathy does absolutely nothing of any value whatsoever). Then the Announcer Guy spends a long time wailing about “who will become the new HOH?”. Well, we can find that out if you would just shut up get to the new stuff already

Cut to the still-ongoing HOH Competition. (Imagine that.) We spend a few minutes watching everybody sweat and struggle as they deal with the ropes and the squares and the mud. For a bit of realism, we watch while Brendon basically lands on his face in the squelchy brown stuff. Meanwhile, Kathy apparently still hasn’t realized that Julie has said “Go!”. Then we cut to a series of Diary Room confessions.

Brendon: “I am fighting for Rachel!” (Dude, she’s out of the house. Let it go.)

Matt: “The Brigade has problems winning competitions when I’m not playing.” (Agreed. We also agreed that you really need to rethink your alliance and hook up with some people who actually win things. But you keep voting those people out of the house.)

Brendon again: “I miss her already!” Oh dear God, boy. Please.

We see a few shots of Brendon stomping around and acting all tough about his mission to kill everybody in the house in memory of Rachel and her hair. His new catchphrase appears to be “It’s personal now!” (Hmm. Shouldn’t it have been personal all along? You know, during all that time when you and Rachel were playing squat tag instead of realizing that the rest of the house was turning against you?)

Back to the Diary Room.

Lane: Why are these people afraid of Brendon, with Britney running up and standing near Lane every time Brendon opens his mouth? “He can’t kill you in here.”

Hayden: “I was getting really winded during the competition.” (We see shots of this supposed winding. Actually, Hayden looks like he’s just waiting for a bus.)

Enzo: “I’m a clean cat. Meow-Meow don’t like to get dirty.” (We see shots of Enzo waiting for the same bus as Hayden. Meow-Meow doesn’t like physical labor, either. Bad kitty.)

Kathy, about the HOH Competition: “I didn’t even know which way is up!” Get a t-shirt made, Texarkana. Wear it all the time.

Ragan, as we see shots of his underwear being blurred on the screen, rope tangled all over him: “I was so turned around!” (The bigger question? Where did you get that grandpa underwear?)

Shots of Brendon talking to himself as he flips and flops through the grid. Because Rachel’s not there, he’s yelling to himself what Rachel and her hair would normally yell. It’s very sad. And creepy.

Enzo: “I wasn’t really worried because of the deal we made with Brendon.”

Oh?

Cut to three hours before the eviction and competition. We see Enzo and Hayden sitting somewhere, plotting some fake agreement to offer Brendon. They are pretty psyched about this lie, and they keep slapping body parts on each other and making frat boy noises. (Guys, just go ahead and do each other, get that out of the way. It’s 2010, nobody cares.)

These two run to find Brendon (and the not-yet-evicted Rachel, which is kind of weird to see) and proffer their gambit. Hayden: Whichever of us four wins HOH, we put up Britney and Ragan. Deal?

Really?

Back to the HOH Competition. Brendon is actually doing very well, ahead of the others. But he’s still talking to the spirit of Rachel, which is just not right.

Shot of Enzo and Kathy, way in last place, basically giving up. (Kathy in the Diary Room: “They didn’t teach me anything like that in the police academy.” This woman is licensed to carry a gun, people. A gun.) Shot of Britney’s mascara running. Then a shot of Lane gaining on Brendon. Oh?

Commercials. Crap you don’t need.

We come back to the HOH Competition. More shots of people either struggling to surge ahead or just standing there and doing nothing, watching other people actually try. Now Britney is one of the slackers as well. I guess once the makeup goes, she’s done.

Brendon finds extra strength from somewhere, and slams it through the rest of the grid. He wins. And of course he yells “Rachel, that one was for you!”

She can’t hear you, Brendon. Just sayin.

Brendon picks the three “Have-Not’s”: Ragan, Britney and Matt. (Interesting. All 3 of them were people who had words with Rachel. I guess Brendon really is serious about this “personal” thing. Stupid, but serious.)

Ragan in the Diary Room: “This is my third time on slop!” Then WIN something, you big baby. You win, you eat what you want. Think about it.

Afterwards, scene with Enzo, Britney, Matt and Hayden. Enzo: “Why didn’t we send him home?” (Good question, but too late for that.) Then Enzo gets cocky about being safe, which irritates Britney, now a Have-Not and clearly a Brendon target. She tells Enzo it’s easy to be cocky when you aren’t in danger. Then she stomps off to find Lane. And cries on his shoulder.

Britney in the Diary Room: She’s whining about being a target and facing hard obstacles and people not liking her. Really? Aren’t those the same things we just saw Rachel whining about a week ago?

Britney and Matt are in the Swamp Room. Britney: “It sucks that we have to be nice to Brendon.” (News flash: You always have to be nice to the HOH, whoever they might be.) Then Ragan wanders in, completing the Circle of Life for this week’s Have-Nots. Britney and Ragan cry and share tissues.

Matt in the Diary Room: “I don’t care.” I have the Madonna Power of Veto.

Brendon invites everyone to come see his HOH Room. Folks pile up there for the fake review. Britney in the Diary Room: She’s mad that Enzo and Kathy were sucking up to Brendon. (Hmm. Yet you did the same thing with last week’s HOH. Kettle, black?) Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s pouting as well about the charade. People, this is how the game works. You show dubious love for the HOH and then you cross your fingers. This is not new. Pay attention.

Then we have several scenes of Britney and Lane, running around and acting like a brother and sister, play-fighting and such. Lane in the Diary Room: “We’re like Raisin Bran. I’m the juicy raisin (oh?) and she’s the bran. Wait. It’s not bran, is it? (Uh, it’s in the name.) She’s the… what is that cookie stuff with the raisins?”

Lane’s parents hang their head in shame. Or maybe not. They ARE Lane’s parents. Apples falling from the tree and all that.

Hayden and Enzo, in a room somewhere and still not admitting to their mutual attraction. Hayden: “I almost trust Brendon more than Matt.” Matt’s too tight with Ragan. And Lane is so distracted by Britney. Hey, let’s go tell Brendon to get rid of Britney so Lane can come back to us.

Seriously, how much more proof of gay erotic subtext do we need with The Brigade? They might as well rent a condo on Fire Island. (Wait, are my people still doing that? Don’t know.)

Enzo serves as point man (ahem) and runs up to Brendon for a chat on where things stand with the nominations. Brendon assures him “You’re cool.” Hey, but what if I put up Britney and Lane?

Crickets chirp.

The Enzo recovers, and tries to steer things away from Lane. Hey, that Britney girl, she’s trouble, and she‘s distracting Lane. And, oh yeah, Matt and Ragan are pretty tight. Need to think about that, too. Then Enzo runs back downstairs and tries to pretend that he ain’t said nothin’ to nobody.

But he does finally tell Lane that Brendon is thinking of putting him and Britney up. Lane in the Diary Room: “That makes me wanna go to a bar and find the hottest girl and fight her boyfriend.”

I really don’t understand Texas people. And I live here.

Ragan gets called to the Diary Room for another one of his cheesy segments where he picks out his next Saboteur assignment. (This boy did NOT get enough attention at some point in his life, let’s leave it at that.) He goes with pretending that he’s aware of a “secret alliance and will expose it when the time is right.” Ragan thinks he can bounce off departed Annie’s “two of the houseguests knowing each other outside the house” business.

Cue a new Darth Vader video, with people running from afar to hear the latest.

“Looks like you were unsuccessful getting me out of the game. You were also unsuccessful in not getting out the life-long relationship. One is male and one is female.”

End trans.

Well, then. The assembled houseguests all look at Britney and Kathy, who are the only females left and therefore one of them would have to be one of these “life-long” people. Matt points this out. But it’s not until Brendon seconds the motion that the girls speak up, and of course they focus their anger on Brendon. (Nobody in this house is focused on strategy. It’s entirely personal.) Britney and Kathy both make disparaging remarks about Brendon’s continued existence, and deny knowing anybody in the room before the house.

Several sidebar scenes with none of the males buying the denial. I guess none of these males are remembering that one of them has been fingered as well.

Next is a boring bit where everybody’s wondering what America voted for the “Have-Not’s” to eat this week, which turns out to be eggplant and escargots. Requisite reaction shots with none of the three slop people having any desire for the escargots, even though all three admit to never having partaken.

Matt and Ragan swinging in the hammock. Matt: “We haven’t really seen Brendon play. It’s always been Rachel and Brendon.” Ragan: “In our favor, we follow through with our deals.”

What deals? Did I miss something?

Ragan tromps up to Brendon in the HOH Room. Brendon: “Make it quick.” (Dude, pull the stick out of your butt or you are never going to win this game.) Ragan: We had a huge fight. No one would ever expect us to work together. Wanna? (Brendon in the Diary Room: “You spit on the girl I love!” Which I believe means the answer is “no”.) Ragan still pushes: This could be a MAJOR move.”

Brendon tracks down Britney (because Dolly finds it beneath herself to initiate the dialogue for her salvation) and they go to the HOH Room. Brendon: “Why should I not put you up?” Britney: “I will do whatever I have to do. If I don’t get nominated, I will play hard to win the Veto,” implying that she will keep the nominations the same. Brendon: “Am I safe next week?” Britney: “What you do for me I will do for you.”

Britney in the Diary Room: “Of course I was going to say whatever.” Then she asks if there is a manicurist on the set, because her nails are really chippy right now.

Scene with Brendon doing the staged “I wonder who I’m going to put up” bit, staring at the houseguest wall. Which leads to more Diary Room confessions.

Britney: “I’m pretty sure I’m going up.” Did you find that manicurist yet?

Lane: “I have a bad gut feeling. But The Brigade has my back.” Did you figure out what’s in Raisin Bran other than just raisins?

Ragan: “I would actually keep my deal. But Brendon does things out of cowardice.” Did anybody get my notes on the next cheesy Saboteur session?

Matt: “I’d rather just use the Diamond Veto and not even go on the block.” Did anyone notice that I have really great pecs when I wear this hoodie?

Time for the Nomination Ceremony.

I’m really surprised when Britney’s key is pulled and she’s safe.

Ragan and Lane are not.

Brendon: “This was the toughest decision. I want this to be about competitors. Nobody floats by.

And we end with more Diary Room flatulations:

Ragan: “Brendon is a coward, avenging somebody he knew for a month.” (As opposed to what, Ragan? Knowing you for a month?”

Lane: “Nominating me was the dumbest move. But I’m safe.” (It’s Big Brother. You could be gone in a heartbeat.)

Britney: “Shocked!” (Sister, at least it’s not you. Shut up.)

Brendon: “I don’t care if they don’t like it. I’m doing this for Rachel.” (Which is precisely the wrong reason. Do you not watch this show?)

Roll end credits.