And, Julie’s here, wearing a nice k.d. lang-tribute pantsuit and enough necklaces that she should easily be able to hog-tie something at a rodeo. She’s brimming with news and irritating energy. “Matt has the Diamond Power of Veto and he’s going to need it! Get ready for the biggest night of blindsides the game has ever seen! I clearly had several glasses of wine before tonight’s broadcast and I can’t stop grinning!”
Quick review of the last episode (Ragan cries, The Brigade continues to not really know what they are doing, Rachel terrorizes the planet and still doesn’t understand why nobody wants to exchange friendship bracelets, Kathy falls off the balance beam, this time a real one) and then Announcer Guy also babbles about the Diamond Power of Veto.
Time for us to just use that Power of Madonna Veto thing. Getting a wee bit tired of hearing about it. Sayin.
Julie again. Guess what she talks about? Yep.
Oh, and she also warns us that you can never underestimate the power of the pretzel. (Did this just become a cooking show?) But I assume she’s talking about Rachel’s snack message. (Really, Rachel, you couldn’t find a piece of paper and a pen somewhere in that house?)
We start the new stuff right after Brendon puts Matt on the block as a replacement. (Matt’s hoodie is zipped up and not showing his chest for once, so I guess that’s his way of appearing sad even though we all know he’s got that Diamond Shaft somewhere handy.) So of course everybody runs to the Diary Room.
Lane: “It sucks! Matt is the enemy.” (My head might be big but it’s totally empty! Yay!)
Brendon: “When Matt walks through the door of the jury house, Rachel is going to know that I love her.” (Okay, that’s it, I’ve run out of words to show my astonishment at Brendon’s blind devotion to a really bad drag queen.)
Matt: “I have the Diamond Power of Veto!” (Really? OMG! Who knew?) “I can pull myself off!” (Oh my.) “And name the replacement!”
Enzo: What is this room for? Oh yeah. “I trust Lane more than Matty.”
Ragan, alone in the Swamp Room, feeling blue about Matt maybe going home, especially because his wife has that non-existent bone disease, makes himself hold back the tears. “I’m crying too much!” Yes, you are, Rachel.
Ragan and Matt on the deck in the courtyard, with Ragan saying “you HAVE to stay!” Matt plays up the sadness about his situation. (Matt in the Diary Room: “I can’t say anything. Poor guy.”) Matt also picks slop out of his teeth, which was a treasure to watch. Then he winks at the camera.
Matt, Hayden and Enzo in the Pantry Room. (Nobody fondles any fruit this time, in case you are keeping track of such things.) Matt: Would you guys tell me if you’re going against me on Thursday? Hayden and Enzo: Oh yeah, sure. We tight.
Matt in the Diary Room: Having the Diamond Ring is kind of fun because it lets me find out things. If I see that Hayden and Enzo vote against me, I might just find a new alliance. (Dude, I have been saying this since Day 3. Why aren’t you taking my messages? Do you have me blocked?)
Hayden tells Matt about Rachel getting creative with the food in the HOH Room and spelling out Matt’s name. Matt: How do you know? Hayden (looking like a total bum whacked out on Strawberry Hill): Kathy told us. This makes Matty mad. Why didn’t Kathy tell ME! Total betrayal! Replacement nominee?
Lane, Hayden and Enzo meet near the swimming pool, with Lane floating around like he’s not sure how he got in the water, Hayden picking at his toes, and Meow-Meow looking around for his litter box. Lane: Matty talked to you yet? Enzo: We’re not voting for him. We’re voting for you. Then Enzo coughs up a hairball.
Lane in the Diary Room: I only need three votes. I’ve got Hayden and Enzo, and I think I can get Britney. Because she likes it when I make her airborne.
Matt and Enzo in the Swamp Room, listening to the faded echoes of Ragan crying all the time. Matt pushes for Enzo’s vote, using the fake wife illness again. Enzo’s a little squirmy, and Matt notices this. Probably because Matt is lying where he can look up Enzo’s shorts.
Matt in the Diary Room: What Enzo is basically saying is “Can I kick you out of the house and make sure you still vote for me in the end? I may put Enzo up as a replacement nominee.
Jules again: Ragan’s final Saboteur thingy could be the difference between who stays and who goes.
Oh?
Ragan is called to the Diary Room so he can pick his next secret bit of deviltry. He decides on leaving a note in the house that says “I know your secret.” A bit later, he slips the note under Enzo’s pillow. He finds it and shows it to Kathy, who is sleeping in a nearby bed with a monkey. (Apparently it’s really hard to find good men after 40.)
Enzo runs out and gathers up Hayden, Lane, Ragan, Britney and Matty. (He says “Yo, the Saboteur struck!” enough times that I want to join Britney in her constant urge to hurl.) They all pile into the daybed room, and Enzo holds court. He’s kind of suspicious that Kathy made his bed, an obvious sign of evil.
Enzo in the Diary Room: “The sherrif is the Saboteur. Give me a Scooby snack.”
Back to the daybed room, where now they are all thinking of sure signs that Kathy is the Saboteur. She makes beds. She throws competitions. She wears mascara. It’s got to be her.
Matt in the Diary Room: He’s thrilled with this talk about Kathy, because if he puts her up when he uses the Cubic Zirconia Power of Veto, they will be happy it’s her.
Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s thrilled that no one suspects HIM of being the Saboteur. And that the Lifetime Channel was invented. I’m $20,000 richer.
Jules talks to the houseguests. To Britney: How’d you like Rachel coming back? It was crazy! To Ragan: Any regrets about getting into it with jury-member Rachel? Nope. To Lane: If you could have your mother send you one thing? Muscle milk. (What the hell?) This scares Julie and she moves on.
She takes a vote. Who believes the Saboteur is still in the house? Everybody raises their hands. Jules: I can guarantee that the Saboteur is sitting among you at this very moment. But their reign of terror is officially over. Back in a bit!
Commercials. Are you depressed? Take pills.
Jules: Lane and Britney’s flirtations have their small hometowns buzzing. Then we get to meet lots of country folk. And see Britney ride on Lane’s back while he does pushups. Discuss amongst yourselves.
Time to Vote.
Julie asks the nominees to do their “save me” thing. Matt first.
Well, then, it’s finally time for the Diamond Anniversary Veto. Matt slams Brendon, calls him a big dummy, and then whips out his special treasure. Sadly, right at this triumphant moment, the stupid fake diamond ring falls off the cheap-ass ribbon. (That sound you hear is somebody in the BB prop department being fired.) But anyway, he uses it, and Julie confirms the authenticity of the broken veto. She tells the folks that he got it for opening Pandora’s box, and now he gets to name a replacement.
Using my special jaw-dropping measurement device, I’ll tag Britney as the most surprised. Brendon just sits there and doesn’t seem to quite understand what is going on.
Matt nominates Kathy. (That sound you hear is a wimp not using a great opportunity.)
Julie now asks for the “save me” speeches AGAIN.
Lane: You are my second family. I have nothing bad to say about Kathy. Good luck.
Kathy: I love everybody. I kept my integrity. I’m not going to lie, cheat or steal. If that gets me kicked out, so be it.
And we vote. Almost everybody is screaming and jumping as they do so, thrilled to vote for Kathy. It’s unanimous.
Julie breaks the news. Kathy is very gracious (“Be good to each other”) and then has to tromp out of the house without her bag, because how was she supposed to know to pack? Poor thing.
Exit interview.
Julie: What’s going on in that head of yours? (Oh, Julie, you need to be careful.) Kathy: I didn’t have a chance to fight. (True, don’t really care for it when they do this. Not fair.) Julie: Why did Matt put you up? Kathy: He’s closer to the other people in the house. Julie: Surprised by unanimous? Kathy: No. The house always votes together. I’m the only one who votes the way I want to. (And you have to give her that. She did what she wanted to do.)
Time for the HOH Competition.
Julie tells us that “yesterday, BB put a twist on Simon Says” called, no surprise, “Big Brother says”. We see scenes of the houseguests reacting to the Announcer Guy instructing them to do weird things. (“Big Brother says go into the backyard, get down on your knees, and howl at the moon.” They do.) This goes on for a while, with plenty of quirky activities, but one thing I notice is that with each announcement, not everybody is playing along. Hmmm. What were the missing people doing that they couldn’t stop and join the fun?
Anyway, live again, we go to the backyard and the competition starts. Julie will read quotes from the “Big Brother Says“ thing, and the houseguests must decide if the quote is true or false. Answer wrong, and you’re gone.
Houseguests drop, and it comes down to Enzo and Britney. (Not kidding, Enzo makes it this far.) But Britney wins. We watch everybody pretend to be really happy for her, then we go back to the studio
Julie: Britney will get to nominate two people for eviction. But she will not be the only one to hold power next week. Stay tuned!
Oh God.
Commercials. Have you not eaten anything fattening today? Here’s some ideas.
Julie talks to the houseguests in the Couch Room. It’s boring, so nothing to report. Julie dismisses them to go round up all the empty mascara tubes in the house now that Kathy is gone. (That sound you hear is a dump truck being fired up.)
Then Julie tells us that next Thursday will be a double eviction, where they cram a full week of activity into one hour. Great. Somebody else will be going home with no chance to save themselves.
We end with a peek at the houseguests reacting to tonight’s surprising turn of events. This mostly consists of Brendon just standing there and waiting to be nominated.
Roll credits.
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