#22 - "Big Brother" - Season 11, Episode 1

And here we go, folks, with another season of the trashy, somewhat-addictive train wreck of a reality show. I grew tired of this thing some time ago, and I didn't even watch any of the last season. But for the sake of the blog, I'm taking the plunge. You owe me.

As with any first episode on any competition reality show, you really don't know who the hell anybody is or whether or not they will prove interesting. Since tonight was basically a meet-and-greet with little plot and no time for back-stabbing, I'll quickly hit the few highlights and then we'll visit each character for my initial impression.

The twist this season (they always have to have a twist, even if it's boring or pointless) is that the house is being divided into 4 high-school cliques: Athletes, Popular, Brians and Off-Beat. (The name of the last category is lame, did you EVER call anybody "off-beat" in high school? No, you did not. Just call them "freaks" or "dorks", producer people. Please.)

The only truly interesting part of this is that if anyone in your clique wins Head of Household, your whole clique cannot be nominated for eviction. Really? That definitely puts a spin on things, and can really affect strategy. Obviously, that rule will have to change at some point, because what if everybody in one clique makes it to the end? Then nobody can be nominated for eviction. Hello? Clearly, Julie-bot will have to wander out at some point and get us over THAT little speed bump.

Oh, and waiting in the wings, we had four previous house guests, representing the four cliques. If their designated clique wins the first HOH competition, then they get to go back in the house and play for that team. They parade out these four, and I was completely underwhelmed.

We have Brian (no relation) who was voted out in the very first eviction for his season. (They've brought him back a couple of times for bits here and there. Why is anybody even interested in him? Who is he sleeping with?) Then there's Jessica, who fell in love with "America's Player", the obnoxious geek, during her season and made some stupid mistakes based on some ill-advised emotional instincts. (But she looked good, sayin.)

Then there's Cowboy from Season 5, who really, really, really loved his family and cried a LOT about them, even though it was never clear to the viewing audience exactly how you were supposed to say his son's name. It seemed to change weekly. And finally, we have Jessie, the pumped-up manboy with delusional tendencies.

I can't stand Jessie.

So they have the HOH competition, the Brains fail, the Off-Beats fail, the Populars fail. So the Athletes win, and Jessie (who represents the athletes, imagine that) is back in the game and the house. This is why I stopped watching the show. People who truly repulse me manage to stay in the game longer than they should because the producers manipulate crap. (Yes, I went there. I'm not scared of you, Julie Chen.)

Anyway, quick bits about the cast for this show:

Braden: Surfer dude. High School was the best time of his life. Introduced himself as Braden "like you do with your hair". Take a long time to come up with that one, sport?

Casey: 40-year-old white man, who teaches during the day and is involved with rap groups and DJ'ing at night. Thinks he's really hip and cool. I suspect drugs.

Chima: Annoying laugh that also causes her face to crinkle, so two strikes there, something is up with her lips (as in, are they really hers?) and she seems to be really proud of herself. But girl sure held on to that toilet seat for a while, so we've got some gumption there. (Although, as Casey pointed out, she only weighs a hundred pounds, and 25 of that is hair.)

Jeff: From Chi-caw-go. Stud boy. I believe they had lusty reaction shots from every female in the house except for Chima, probably because her hair or her lips were in the way and she couldn't really get a good look at him.

Jordan: Southern girl. Lots of shots with her family warning her "no booger", which is their quaint way of saying "no sex on TV". So either the family has really strong morals, or Jordan is a big ole slut and the family is already doing spin control.

Kevin: Requisite gay guy. I've whined about this before, and here we go again: Why is it that the BB producers insist on finding the biggest queen in the universe to play the gay role? Seriously. There are non-flamboyant, non-bitchy, hot and sexy gay guys out there. A lot of them. Find one. Don't be condescending.

Laura: Easy target for my derision, based on her tremendously large knockers. I did try to give her a chance. But then she stupidly opened her mouth. Girl, you are NOT that pretty, at some point the hound dogs have to look up from your chest and you're going to have to carry on a conversation. Study hard.

Lydia: Semi-wild child that speaks her mind and made it clear from the beginning that she would sleep with a guy OR a girl to get ahead on the show, whatever it takes. She immediately bonded with Kevin, the poster gay guy. And she made me laugh. So of course I love her, and of course she will probably get booted pretty soon. It's the curse/blessing thing with me. If I really like them, they don't last. Fingers crossed, she's my fave based on one episode.

Michele: She has a P.H.D. And she's on this show. I'm thinking there was a lack of attention and validation in her childhood. Just a guess.

Natalie: Butch little martial arts girl that immediately lied to everyone that she was 18 instead of 24. Signs of hot-temper and confusion. Think Yvette from a few seasons back, who was all ready to have "Crappy's" baby, even though she's a lesbian. Not saying Natalie is sweet on the girls, I just foresee some inexplicable and un-controlled activity on her part.

Ronnie: Dude, the opening scenes with you finding out you're going to be on the show, and then crying a lot while you called your mother, and showing us how your computer works, and being overly exhuberant and waving pom-pom's and speaking too loudly cause you're so excited, and claiming to be so smart? This plane is not going to land well, clear the runway.

Russell: Basically, he appears to be a slightly junior Jessie with an odd right eyebrow. I'm sure he will have issues with the flaming queen and the part-time lesbian. One of those types. Interestingly enough, he will probably also want to lift weights with Jessie, if you get my drift. I know these things.

And there you have it, the Peanut Gallery. And there's even a puppet hosting the show.

Stay tuned. And reinforce your inboxes. This thing is on 3 times a week until the heat goes away.....