So we start off at the Light of Day bible camp evil-doer recruitment thingy, where Jason finds that his bunkmates have staged a slaughter by vampires, all for laffs, but Jason does not take kindly to this, screaming that "vampires are not a joke" and "I'm a warrior now". Great. Brainwashing is working. Go Team God!
Zip over to Bill's house, where he discovered Jessica and Hoyt sucking face at the end of the last episode. He throws Hoyt out, threatening violence, but not before Hoyt says to Jessica "I don't believe him for one minute". Awww. Make the Jessica and Hoyt thing work, just sayin. It's cute.
Scene continues, Jessica gets to utter "Is it my fault my fangs come out when I get turned on" before giggling and running upstairs. Then Sookie gets three good lines in a row: "I think I'm gonna like her," "Hating yourself is a bad thing" and "I was almost killed last night. Again".
Cut to Sam and Daphne, still splashing around in the river/lake/pond/whatever. He sees the claw marks on her back. Uh oh.
Then we have Tara saying goodbye to Mary Ann, she's really moving in with Sookie. Mary Ann, instead of summoning up the demons of hell like I'm thinking she probably can, ends the scene with "Go, flourish, don't ever so no to yourself." Very touching, this whole episode is full of supportive quotes, but we know Mary Ann is up to something, so the glitter dulls a bit.
Back over at the Light of Day recruitment center, Jason tells wannabe boyfriend Luke that "maybe Jesus was the first vampire", raising people from the dead. I would imagine that toilets across the country were quickly utilized as right-wingers lost control of their bowels.
Detective Andy gets his badge taken away by his supervisor for being "obsessed and drinking on the job". Like that's going to get Andy to back off.
Jason and Reverend Steve go off on some wacko paintball vampire course in the woods. Clearly, Reverend Steve is a total nutcase, dreaming of offing his first vampire, despite Jason's explanation that it's really not all that dramatic and exciting.
Then we jump over to Sookie's house, where new roomie Tara is all alone on her birthday. They initially tease us with the possibility that something is stalking Tara, then we find out that it's just Mary Ann showing up to celebrate her birthday, and she's arranged a hell of a party. We know this can't be good. There's something about Mary Ann.
Back over to God Camp, Jason and Rev Steve and wifey Sarah are having a barbecue. Jason has visions of Sarah turning into a total overheated slut, and licking a beer bottle. Then Steve asks Jason to become a Soldier of the Sun, whatever that may be. (Sarah moans "Praise His Light" while having a small orgasm flipping burgers.)
Cut to Merlotte's, where apparently everybody knows all about Tara's birthday party at Sookie's (even though Sookie is on a plane to Dallas, along with Bill and loose cannon Jessica) and they are racing off to get there. Sam is slow on the draw, so he's still there when Tara's mom brings in a birthday present, she doesn't know where else to find Tara. Sam is sweet to her, but you have to wonder about the motivation with Momma Drinks a Lot.
Sookie arrives in Dallas (on "Anubis Air", isn't THAT cute), with Bill and Jessie in coffins. It's quickly clear that this is an ambush, and Bill leaps out of his coffin to save Sookie from the evil... limo driver. (Poor Jessica is unable to get out of her little coffin thing, new to this business and all, so she's not immediately helpful.)
But once Bill has things settled, he does let Jessica practice glamming the limo driver, and they learn things, such as Reverend Bill and Slutty Sarah's Church of the Inner Hormone is behind all this. Really? I am totally shocked, did NOT see that coming. Please.
Back to Sookie's house, and the Tara B-day blowout, where Mary Ann first does her weird mojo where everyone becomes horny and ready to ride the nearest anything. Then she wanders off into a cornfield or something and does some elaborate ritual, which prompts Tara and Eggs to race upstairs and bump uglies. (Hawt, people. HAWT.) But, what the hell?
Eric shows up at Lafayette's, offering his blood. Laff acts all street at first, but eventually gives in and drinks, then gets really happy about the state of things and starts humping every piece of furniture around him (is it the humidity in Louisiana? damn, these people have a lot of tension they apparently need to release) while Eric runs away into the night.
Jason is now living in Rev Steve's and Slutty Sarah's house. Sarah drops by Jason's room, in a clingy nightgown, and clearly points out how many steps it would take for Jason to find her sprawled out in a bed. The bed she shares with her husband. Just WHO is it that really wants Jason to share the gospel? Hmmm.
Final scenes with Bill and Eric:
Bill: "Open aggression again humans, that's insane."
Eric: "Well, it IS Texas."
Exactly.
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