We start out with Eric in the lobby of the Dallas vampire Hotel, where he is being entertained by this skanky thing that lets him drink from her for money. (What would you call such a person who does this? Suck slut? Flow Ho? Things that make you go.... why am I even thinking this way?)
Anyway, Eric is bored with Flo because she's not a very good actress or something. Lucky for him, up stomps some female vamp with an accent. It appears that Eric knows this rude arrival, her name is Marina, and he actually summoned her here. Based on her accent and the pouty lips, I'm thinking she's trouble.
Cut to Bill and Sookie's hotel room, and they have a visitor: the angry female in the Dallas vamps, can't remember her name (Isabelle? Hellwitch?). She's decided that Sookie can't infiltrate the Light of Day camp all on her own blondeness, and she offers up her little minion/playmate/something, named Hugo, to go on the mission as well. (Hey, now we just need a black dude and we've got the Mod Squad. Holla!)
Cut back to the lobby, Marina is whining to Eric that she can't get to Bill to do whatever it is Eric wants her to do. They bicker a bit about Sookie and whatnot, and it becomes clear that Bill and Marina have some sort of past. Wonder what happened?
Luckily, the producers helpfully fill in the details with a flashback: Chicago, 1926.
Bill is in a tuxedo, singing and playing a piano in some club/boudoir thing, so right away you know this can only lead to bloodshed. For this scene, his name is Guillame, which is French for William. (I'm hip that way. Praise me.) Marina is there as well, only her name is now "Faviana", and she pronounces it like the mere act of saying it sends her into orgasm.
We understand that William and Mary are focused on a rich couple who are drunk, giggling, and mesmerized by Mariana's sexual accent. Hmmm.
Now we have Sam and Daphne wallering around, naked, on a pool table at a darkened (and hopefully closed) Merlotte's. He asks her about the obvious scars on her back (finally!), and she explains that something got her in the dark, she didn't see it, and it really wasn't any fun.
Then they have a really sweet conversation, where she says he shouldn't be ashamed of what he is, that he should be proud, especially around the ones he loves. (Quite touching, and of course it struck a nerve with me, the gay parallels, and I almost started sobbing and texting all my relatives. But I just got another beer instead.)
Cut to Sookie's house, where Mary Ann is being a total witch, whining about the water heater not working and terrorizing everybody about the accomodations. Tara bites back: "I wish I had a fancier crib for you to squat in."
Tara has to drive to another town to find some part for the water heater, and she convinces Mary Ann to let Eggs go with her. Throughout the whole scene, the butler/cook/eurotrash guy is massaging the cranky diva's feet. This is NOT the Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. Trust.
And now we're at God Camp, where crazy Steve has Jason and Luke building a platform with a cross, so they can catch a vamp, tie him him to the cross, and let him burn when the sun comes up. Get your tickets now!
Then we have Sookie and Hugo bonding over the fact that they are both mortals in love with undead partners. (So THAT's Hugo's story, wasn't clear at first.) The Light of Day invasion plan is that they will pretend to be an engaged couple looking for a church for their wedding. Sounds a little flimsy to me.
Okay, from this point forward, things go a little crazy. Brace yourself.
Tara and Eggs are in the car, laughing and having a good time, when suddenly Eggs starts realizing that he knows what they'll see next on the road, even though he's never BEEN on this road before. He finally makes her pull over and they go marching off into the woods. Because that's what sane people do, right?
Over at Merlotte's, Deputy Andy arrives, and starts sniffing around Lafayette, wanting to know where he's been all this time, while, you know, lots of people he knew were getting murdered. Laff tries to lie his way out of it ("I was on a gay cruise"), but then has a weird breakdown thing where he's seeing Andy as Eric.
Then Terry (Arlene's current boyfriend) breaks it up and sends his cousin Andy away (forgot about that connection), and holds Laff in his arms, comforting and whispering to him to let it go. Um, I have no idea what's going on.
Back in the main part of the restaurant, Hoyt (Jessica's squeeze) marches in and confronts his mother at one of the tables. Why is his cell phone not working? She cut it off, thinks his ladyfriend is a big ole whore. Hoyt has had enough, and lets fly that not only is Jessie his girlfriend, but she's also a vamp. Mom, being THAT kind of pretend Christian, promptly shows signs of a stroke.
Brief scene with Sam and Daphne, still horny and headed out to the back of the restaurant.
Sookie and Hugo arrive at God Camp, and get to meet the lovely Sarah Newlin, CPW (Certified Pastor's Wife). Everybody's really fake for various reasons, and they go on a tour of the property to determine how Sookie and Hugo would like to be betrothed. "Pleasantville", if you will, without the interesting black and white cinematogrophy.
Then Steve, CPN (Certified Psychotic Nutcase) joins them, and things start getting twisted. Sarah really doesn't want Steve to be saying some of the things he's saying, and she gets all twitchy. Sookie starts getting mind reads that a vampire is going to be burned. Hugo is kind of sulky because Sookie is getting to talk more. Some people are never satisfied.
Another flashback to Chicago, where Bill/Guillame and Marina/Faviana (small orgasm) are gleefully tormenting and then draining the couple they have swooned into the bedroom. Lots of blood everywhere, and then William and Mary get funky nasty on the blood-stained sheets, and seem to be having a hoot of a time. Uh, Bill has some splainin to do, cause he bad.
And hey, am I the only one noticing that the female they THINK they've fully drained is apparently still alive, getting an up close and way too personal gander at the the two of them playing slap and tickle? I don't really know the rules about torturous killing followed by beasty sex, but I'm thinking there's been an oversight here. Just sayin.
Back to Tara and Eggs, tromping through the endless woods. They finally stumble on to a campsite, where there are indications that something not happy has happened. Eggs tells Tara that he has been here before. Then he spies a big bloody rock, and starts crying.
Over to God Camp, with Steve and Sarah leading Sookie and Hugo into the "Sunlight Chapel", which is really pretty and all, but you know it just has to be a place of evil, because Steve is so excited about it. (Sarah is still twitchy, and is trying really hard to get Steve to shut the heck up.) Then Sookie gets some more mind-read radio waves, and realizes that she and Hugo are not in a good place. Not like Scooby Doo at all, is it, Sook?
Deputy Andy is driving along in the dark when he encounters two animals in the road. "I know that pig!" he yells to the people who are not in the car with him, and then promptly jumps out of the car and chases after it. And then falls down in the woods. He's a keeper.
Turns out the pig and the dog in the road were Daphne and Sam, off on one of their shape-shifting frolics. (And yes, Daphne is THAT pig. OMG!) Even Sam is like, what's up with the pig thing, after they transition back. Dapne just smiles and plucks her clothes off a handy tree.
Shift to Merlotte's, where Pam from Fangtasia surprises an already rattled Lafayette, insisting that he start selling "V" again. She wants him to do the very thing that got him in all that trouble in the first place, getting thrown in the Fangtasia cellar with rude people and getting shot by a screaming waitress. At this point, the WTF's are spewing out of my mouth in a constant stream.
Quick cut to God Camp, where Steve is trying to convince Sookie and Hugo to enter "the crypt" where his Daddy is buried, Sarah is so not right with this that her head is about to snap off, and Sookie realizes too late that THIS is the trap. Steve's goons grab Sookie and Hugo and drag their amateur asses even deeper into the church.
Bill hears Sookie's screams and instantly awakens back in the vampire hotel. Unfortunately, Marina is also there, jumping on Bill and pinning him to the bed. "You will never physically overpower me."
Wait, how is that possible? Didn't Bill make HER? Meaning he's stronger. Did I once again go to the bathroom at a critically wrong time? Geez.
Tara and Eggs finally get back to Sookie's house, to find that no one is there, but the house is a wreck, crap all over the place. So what do they do? Tara pulls out a joint and they get high before investigating. Smooth move. These dumbass people deserve what they get, sayin.
So, giggling, they stumble out to the backyard, and can hear drums and chanting off in the distance. They mosey through the woods, and come upon a campsite that is clearly not your grandfather's campsite.
People are having rutting sex everywhere. You don't have to use your imagination here, and even though I realized this was HBO, my eyes still widened a little bit. Hoo boy. And right in the middle of it all? Mary Ann doing her weird shimmer thing, but this time she's on full vibrate. And hey, we KNOW some of these people. Half the supporting cast is bumping uglies and howling.
What in the HELL?
Jessica awakes back at the vampire hotel in Dallas, to find that Hoyt has travelled through the night, bearing wilted flowers, to check on her since Mommy killed the cell phone. Jessie: "I'm so happy I could cry but I don't wanna cause it's really gross when I do." Awwww.
God Camp. Jason stumbles upon Sarah in an upper wing of the mega-church. She's clearly having a meltdown and somewhat fesses up: "Steve wants to use you to start a war. AND, he uses the "C" word!" Jason hesitates three seconds, and then they're all over each other in the name of God.
Final scenes, with Daphne and Sam traipsing along in the woods. We hear drums. Sam is not so keen on drums for some reason. (Maybe he read the script?) They also stumble upon Mary Ann's tribal council of raunch and acrobatics. (Even Tara and Eggs are now in the floor show. Once you go whack, you never go back? Just wondering.)
Quick cut of a bull-head mask thing. Quick cut of a ceremonial knife, with Sam screaming when he sees it. Long cut of Daphne smirking and, in a suddenly deep voice, letting Sam know that innocent playtime on the pool table is over.
WTF?
they're all over each other in the name of God.
ReplyDeleteI will never in my life even TRY to write as well as you do.
sincerely
marina fangtasia