First, an apology. Apparently I hit the failblog some time back, and the character that I've been referring to as "Marina" is actually "Lorena". As punishment, I shall sit here and ponder my inadequacies.
Okay, I'm done.
So anyway, we're in the basement of the church where Godric has just saved Sookie from mean Gabe. Godric then snaps Gabe's neck, in case it wasn't clear that he found displeasure in Gabe's actions.
Godric then summons Eric, who is instantly there with that fascinating fast motion business. Godric tells Eric that he was a fool for sending humans. (How's THAT for your self-esteem, Sookie?) Then he orders Eric to save the human, and while escaping the church, "spill no blood".
Hmmm. Not sure if that's a doable plan, what with the name of the show and the fact that people routinely get killed every 20 minutes or so around here.
Cut to Jason on the ground, apparently still alive after being shot, wallering around and thanking God for saving his sorry butt. Sarah steps out of the shadows, and we see she's holding a paintball gun. Not exactly a death-bringing weapon. Sarah to Jason: "Grow a brain cell!"
She MAD. Steve's twisted lies have her thinking that Jason is there to bring them down. And after all the effort she went to in seducing Jason as part of her holy gameplan to bring the light of Jesus into everyone's bedroom. The nerve of him!
Sarah: "You're worse than Judas!"
Jason: "Why, what'd he do to you?"
Then Sarah tells him they have his sister hostage, that all the Stackhouses are worthless, and that Sookie in particular is a big ole whore. (Like Sarah even knows where her panties are at this moment.)
Well, that's too much for Jason. You can jump his bones in the Sunlight Chapel and shoot him in the gnarlies with a paintgun, but you don't slander Sookie. He jumps up, knocks her down, grabs the paintgun, and splits. Sarah just lays there, adjusting her couture because you never know when there are photographers in the bushes.
Back at the church, sirens are going off and a recording from Steve is telling all his minions that we're in lock-down and the vampire rumble is ON. Great.
Brief scene with Sookie and Eric, as they plot their escape and try to stick to the "spill no blood" plan. Sookie about Godric, to Eric: "You have a lot of love for him." Eric: "Don't use words I don't understand."
But their escape plan doesn't work too well (despite a scene with Eric pretending to be a hick little redneck: "I'd very much like to borrow your stake"), and Sookie and Eric end up trapped in the Sunlight Chapel with Sicko Steve and his peeps in control. Steve, in full prissy rapture mode, calls Sookie the "evil whore of Satan" and promises the faithful that there will be a holy bonfire at dawn.
Cut to Bill and Lorena in the hotel room, where Lorena is toying with the petrified telepath Barry. She hungry, and despite protests from Bill, she does some snacking. But hey, this one doesn't taste quite like chicken, and Lorena is momentarily distracted while contemplating this turn of events with the menu.
So Bill grabs a plasma TV and whacks the hell out of Lorena with it, until she's lying on the ground, blood pooling around her. Wait, did he just kill his maker? Because that's bad, right? Uh oh.
Bill thunders into Jessica's room, to find her and Hoyt right in the really good part of losing your virginity. A wee bit awkward, yes? Bill tells Hoyt to get in the car with Jessica and get back home. NOW!
Zip over to Merlotte's, where Tara and Lafayette are doing shots while Laff does a tarot card reading on Tara. (Laff tarots Tara, just had to say it.)
Eggs wanders in, being all needy. Seems he's lost a few hours again and is not sure what he did (um, you killed Daphne while Mary Ann watched and smiled), but he thinks it might be bad. Hold me.
Back at the church, Jason bluffs his way in using a paintgun, his Honesty Ring, and that little-boy-who-thinks-sex-is-pretty-neat smile.
Cut to Sam, waking up in his car because his cell phone is ringing. Caller ID says the call is coming from Merlotte's, but the caller hangs up when he answers. So Sam heads on over there. (Why? Why would you head directly to the source of creepy phone calls? Geez.)
Nosing around in now-darkened Merlotte's, Sam decides to head into the freezer. (Which is what we all think, right? Something strange is going on, let's go someplace cold with a heavy door that can close behind us.)
In the freezer, Sam finds Daphne's body, with her heart cut out. (Just like that fake voodoo woman! We have a pattern!) At first, Sam starts to cover her body with plastic garbage bags (no idea why), then I guess he gets bored with that because he doesn't finish. Then he starts to call the sheriff, only to see police lights coming in the window. The law is already here. It's a setup.
Cut to Mary Ann at Sookie's, sauteing some ingredients in a fry pan and slicing up a human heart. And singing. No crazy shimmering, though. Can't be doing that and risk a grease fire.
Back at the Sunlight Chapel, it's showtime.
Eric is chained to a cross thing, and I don't know if the sun is already up or it's the silver chains or what, but he's already frying a little bit. He makes an offer to Steve to trade himself for Godric and Sookie. Crazy Steve is not even listening, babbling on about triumphing over evil and other crap like that.
Then Bill bursts in (quick shot of Sookie getting moist), and he threatens to take out everybody in the room. Steve pulls out a gun and gets all bossy.
Then Jason arrives, and uses the paintgun to shoot the gun out of Steve's hand, then sends another paintball splattering Steve right between the eyes. Love symbolism.
Then the Dallas vamps show up, lots of them, and the male leader guy is all talkative and we learn that they killed Steve's father. Ohhhh! (But we still hate Steve, don't go there.) There's really a lot of people in this room now.
Then Godric shows up. (Okay, who ELSE is waiting in the wings? Ethel Merman?)
And this is where we start to really like Godric. He's not there for damage and destruction. ("They have not harmed me. We can live together.") He wants peace. And both sides need to back off. (When whiny-ass Steve tries to drag Jesus in as a reason for killing vampires, Godric responds with "I am older than your Jesus.")
The Dallas vamps want blood, but Godric orders them to stand down. When Steve tries to rally his troops, they instead abandon him and race into the night. It's over. For now.
Back to Sam at Merlotte's, where he is being questioned by the Sheriff and his sidekick, a black woman named Kenya. (Why are the black women on this show stuck with lousy names like Tara and Kenya? Just wondering.) The sheriff does fess up that he got an anonymous tip, but won't say who. And they can't find ANY records on Sam. What's up with that?
Then Deputy Andy shows up and tries to exonerate Sam, but his story does not help. ("It was a bull. With claws. In a dress." Sam's in trouble.
Cut to Tara and Eggs at Sookie's, where they are still trying to figure out why they are having blackouts. (Tara: "Maybe it's some kinda gas leak.") Girl, please. I'm not happy with this particular plot angle. Tara is not stupid. Why are they not letting her connect the dots to Mary Ann?
Speaking of, Mary Ann waltzes around the corner, and invites Tara and Eggs into the kitchen for a little snack. They mosey on in there, and Mary Ann proffers a souffle. Tara cuts into it, and does not seem to mind that when she does so, it oozes blood. They both take bites and think it's fabulous.
Great.
Cut to Jessica and Hoyt at Bill's house. Jessica's all excited, they have two hours before dawn, and they can do it again! They can do it every night! So they fumble around on the couch until, uh oh, something's amiss. Seems she's a virgin again. She's a vampire, so things... grow back... to how they were when she was turned. Interesting concept, don't need to know any more, thanks.
Short scene with Bill and Eric, where Bill is understandably not appreciative of Eric bringing Lorena into the picture. Bill: "Callin in my maker 'cause you couldn't get Sookie." Oh my.
But just before that hot mess can get really good, in struts the female Dallas vamp (Isabel?) who provided the minion (Hugo) who ended up betraying Sookie at Light of Day, dragging along said terrified traitor. She offers him up to Godric to do as he wishes, and apologizes, clearly thinking that she might be smacked down by Godric, all trembly.
Godric asks Isabel if she loves Hugo. She struggles, but admits that it's true. So Godric sets Hugo free. "Eric, escort him out."
Quick scene with Sookie and Bill, where Sookie is trying to find out why Bill didn't race to save her, and Bill is being all shady on the truth.
Cut to Sam being led into a jail cell, "for his own protection, if nothing else", and seeing other citizens of the town all piled in there as well, most of them having no clue why they are there (although we recognize them as being cast members in Mary Ann's twisted production of "A Whorus Line" back at the crazy campground with fires and drums). One guy does fess up that he's being charged because he "sodomized a pine tree".
How do you even...
Anyway, cut to Jason and Bill, with Jason saying "I need you to forgive me." Bill's fine, no problem. Jason spontaneously hugs him, then feels weird. Was that awkward for you? Chill dude, we cool.
Godric to Eric: "We ARE frightening. The Fellowship of the Sun arose because we don't treat them as equals."
Zip over to Sookie's house, where Tara and Eggs have finished the entire heart casserole, blood all over the table, and they are getting wild-eyed. They start slapping and punching each other around, hormones (or something) racing. Then they engage in creepy-eyed sex while Mary Ann smiles and heads off to wherever, singing and presumably making another checkmark on her demonic to-do list.
Back at Godric's house, Lorena slips in (dang, thought she was dead) and finds Sookie. ("You're what all the fuss is about.") Lorena somewhat explains what happened with Bill not racing to Sookie's rescue, although she twists it around quite a bit and makes herself seem like the victim. ("There's no excuse for domestic violence.") Bill races in, but right now he's no match for two angry women fighting over an undead man.
Lorena: "You're no more than a blood bank."
Sookie: "Go find someone else, you trashy bitch. You've lost this one."
Lorena has had enough with noisy weakling humans, and slams Sookie down on a convenient table, ready to end her life.
Godric is there in a flash. "Retract your fangs!" Click.
Godric then gives a great speech on how humans like Sookie have done great things for the vampire cause, vampires are only hurting themselves with random violence, and that everybody, human and vampire, needs to take a step back and stop this senseless hatred and cruelty. Notice the parallels to what's happening in our country? Thought you would.
Godric is now officially my favorite character, even though he's only been around for barely more than one episode.
Godric then banishes Lorena from his area. "Bill, escort her out."
Outside, Bill and Lorena, with Lorena fumbling around and trying to keep the flame alive. Bill: "Never."
Back inside Godric's house, misguided Luke (from Light of Day) suddenly appears. Jason spies him, and tries to stop him, but doesn't try very hard. (What's up with that?)
Luke gets everybody's attention, and tells them he has a message from his beloved pastor Sicko Steve. Then he rips open his coat to show he's covered in silver, bullets and sharp objects. And a bomb.
Great.
I'm overdue on this, mea culpa: Sending a shout-out to author Charlaine Harris, who is responsible for the Sookie Stackhouse books. These characters are her children. Thank you, Charlaine, for creating this world, and letting us visit...
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