#42 - "Big Brother" - Season 11, Episode 13

Dear gawd! What the hell is Lydia trying to prove with her makeup and outfit in the nomination chair? That she loves raccoons? That she tripped and fell and got her face caught on the exhaust pipe of a '57 Chevy?

Anyway.

Michelle in the Diary Room: On not using the POV, she was "happy to leave as is." She's all bubbly and sparkly. Yay Michelle. Thanks for having some common sense. Your worth as a player is on the rise. Then you went and did something stupid. More on that later, keep reading.

Ronnie in the Diary Room" "Michelle showed no loyalty." What?! This is coming from YOU? Why would anybody on the planet, never mind the BB House, have any loyalty to you? I'm just stunned every time you open your mouth. If you don't go home tonight, I'm cutting somebody. Seriously. And I'd like to personally bitch slap your parents for whatever they did to make you what you are.

Then Russell, who I have been really grooving on lately, gets all dumbass paranoid for no reason. Michelle and Jordan are sitting in the courtyard, innocently talking about books. (Why Jordan is part of this conversation, I don't know.)

Russell thinks that they are whispering, and repeatedly challenges both of them for plotting against him. What the hell? Dude, totally wrong target, why are you even focused on these two,. What is in the water in this house?

Conversation in the HOH Room between Michelle and Russell, where Michelle, during a long babbling session involving a lot of things, tells Russell that Chima has said before that Russell should be back-doored. (Which is true; the BB producers remind us of such by showing a scene of Chima doing just that.)

Then Russell runs off to Jessie, wanting to know "why didn't you tell me about Chima?" Tells him all about what Michelle just said, but, (this is the key part) Russell dramatizes what she said and changes her words around. Jessie promptly lies that Chima never said such a thing. Natalie wanders in, because she can never be more than two feet away from Jessie, and lies as well. So Russell tells Nat to go get Chima and send her to the HOH Room.

Natalie, because she's a skank ho, runs to Chima and fills her in on what Russell is thinking, and they both act all outraged about what Michelle told Russell. Even though it's true. Okay, I just don't understand how these people can be in such denial about their own actions. Puh-leeze.

Chima meets with Russell, and she denies everything. (Uh, hello, we have videotape.) Then she twists it around into a hatefest about Michelle. Let's get her up here, pronto.

So Chima marches downstairs, and barks at Michelle to get her ass upstairs right now. This is the only way that Chima knows how to communicate, because it never crosses her mind that people may not want to do what she wants them to do. Again, there are some parents that need to be bitch-slapped. Ronnie and Chima did not get to where they are without some screwed-up parenting.

So Russell asks Michelle if she did not in fact say that Chima was running around the house telling everybody to backdoor Russell. And Michelle denies this, because THAT's not what she said. Seriously. (Rewind if you need to.) But Russell, too hot-headed to focus, because he's not asking the question in the right way, thinks Michelle is lying to his face about what she told him.

Then, because Russell is obviously having some memory lapses, Michelle kind of freaks out and makes a mistake. She basically denies saying anything negative about Chima. I don't know why she did that. Girl, be honest, fess up to what you actually DID say and not to the twisted way that Russell is phrasing things. But Michelle doesn't fess.

And so this could be bad for Michelle. But amazingly, Chima is offended by an offhand comment that Russell makes ("I don't care what either of you think") and goes ballistic. And suddenly it's World War III. Russell and Chima yell at each other in the HOH Room. They yell at each other outside the HOH Room. They yell at each other downstairs. Get the picture?

Finally, they end up in the courtyard, still yelling, heads bobbing, fingers pointing, all kinds of attitude up in the grill. Innocent bystander Jordan sits quietly and takes it all in. (In the Diary Room: "That girl's SASSY.")

Love her.

Anyway, the shouting fest ends when Kevin has had enough and slams the patio door shut, trapping Chima in the house and Russell outside. (With Nat the Rat basically leaping on Chima's back to make her shut the hell up, because Nat-sty knows this can't be good.)

So then Ronnie decides that he's going to work Jordan and try to get a sympathy vote. He tells Jessie this, and based on the look on Jessie's face and the scene from last episode that I don't think we were supposed to see, Jessie knows Ronnie is going home.

So what does socially-clueless Ronnnie do? He barges in on Jeff and Jordan finally having their first kiss. (Jeff: "I just wanted to kiss her." Awwww.) And even after Ronnie realizes what they are up to, he won't leave. He climbs into his bed, praises himself repeatedly, whines about hoping for a sympathy vote, and then farts.

The boy-man FARTS. While Jeff and Jordan are trying to smooch and cuddle. I just don't have words to express how stunned I am that Ronnie can be that inept as a human being.

So we get to the Eviction Ceremony, and along with the usual inane pleasantries, Julie Chenbot focuses on Jessie, and we have a long, extremely boring conversation on how Jessie feels about the opportunity to eat squid while he's a "Have Not". It's stupid and worthless. Can somebody please explain to me why the BB producers are insistent on promoting Jessie and giving him tons of camera time? What kind of deal did these people sign? More importantly, nobody cares. Stop it.

Julie then talks to Russell in the secure HOH Room. Russell fesses that he trusts both Jessie and Jeff, but realizes that at some point he will have to decide between the two of them. (This did not impress me. Dude, who do you think will really have your back at crunch time? It's not Jessie.)

Then Russell launches into a "praise Julie" monologue, how she's all pretty and everything. Julie pretends to be all demure, saying a "butter up" speech will get you nowhere. While she's wearing a butter-colored maternity smock thing that probably cost more than my car. Just how much of this show is staged? Jeez.

And now it's time to find out who won the "Coup D'Etat" in America's vote. Ever since this thing was announced, I've had a bad feeling. People are stupid. And stupid people tend to vote for stupid people, and I had visions that either Jessie or Ronnie would win.

Thank GAWD the BB producers had a clue for once, and not only made it cost you to vote but also put a cap on how many times you could vote. And amazingly, Jeff wins.

Poor thing, though. He comes sauntering into the Diary Room to find out the good news, and he can't even say "Coup D'Etat". In fact, we hear a voice from the crew prompting him on how to say it. (Have we ever heard the crew do such a thing? Did we break some kind of rule here?)

Anyway, he's got it. And I'm thrilled.

Back to the Eviction Ceremony, and the speeches by the nominees.

I have no idea what Lydia said. I couldn't hear a word, I was so distracted by her makeup and feathers that nothing registered. I'm sure she'll get another tattoo at some point, and I can read her remarks at that point.

Then Ronnie steps up, all trembly and weak and almost fake crying, and then suddenly he launches into a tirade against Michelle that is so mean and hate-filled that I almost missed my mouth with the beer bottle. This guy is SO messed up in the head.

Michelle just smiles. I was somewhat surprised that she didn't stand up right there and say to Jules "Girl, I'll tell you my vote right now."

So Natalie, Chima and Jessie vote for Lydia (no surprise). Kevin, Michelle, Jeff and Jordan vote for Ronnie. He's going home. Hallelujah.

In Ronnie's exit interview with Julie, she doesn't cut him any slack. But it's clear that he is so far gone from reality that she gets bored and quits trying to dig at him. In the goodbye messages, Michelle says "Ronnie, I hate you. Get out the door, dork."

I just love it when the right people finally go home.

Then we proceed to the HOH Competition, where they have to answer questions about messages that various viewers have phoned in. (A little quibble here: Why did the general viewing audience not know about this? Seems you had to go to the CBS website to even be aware of the opportunity. Was that fair?)

During the competition, we kept having brief shots of an aquarium. This didn't fit in with anything that was going on. What the hell was that?

Anyway, horror of all horrors, Chima manages to win this thing.

Let me tell you right now, Chima is horrible WITHOUT power. With her being HOH, I can guarantee you that every viewer in America will be completely sick of her in the next 7 days. I'm pretty sure she'll be up on the block NEXT week.

It's not a good thing that Chima won. The silver lining? Jeff really has all the power. It doesn't matter what Chima wants.

And what would be really fun? That Chima puts Jeff and Jordan up, and at the time of the eviction vote, Jeff plays his power and pulls them both off, and Chima is totally screwed.

I can't wait.