We open at Ray's high school, where the Student Council or the Future Farmers or some group is presenting him with the proceeds from a fundraiser car wash, to help him rebuild his house. Ray is a good sport about it, even though he's appalled that it's come to this.
Tanya meets with one of the new prospective clients, "Molly"(the terrific Margo Martindale). Molly is a little tenative at first, not really sure about going through with it, but after chatting with Tanya, she starts to get excited. And she makes it very clear that she wants a big one. "Don't even send me a medium-size one."
Jessica drops by Ray's and, while eyeing the mess in the gutted house, asks him "how do you keep from shooting yourself? She's so supportive. Jessica's still concerned that daughter Darby is borderline psychotic, and that maybe she shouldn't go to the drive-in with Ray and Damon like they had planned.
Because, as we all know, going to the drive-in with your parents can only lead to madness and visits to tattoo parlors. But Ray tells her to quit worrying, they'll be fine. Oh, before you leave, if there's anything of yours in this mess you'd like to have before I start renovating, please take it.
Jessica initially says there's nothing here she wants, all of her stuff is at the House of Neurotica with probably-gay Dr. Ronnie. The she spies something after all, reaches down and pulls out a ginormous nutcracker, and then waltzes out the door.
Nothing like subtle symbolism, eh?
A bit later, Tanya comes thundering on to the property, a little agitated with Ray that she's been looking ALL OVER for him. (Um, he's right here at his house, where were you looking? Tokyo?) She's got the first meeting set up, with Molly.
So Ray gets himself a fancy suit (leaving the tag still on it, natch) and sashays over to Molly's discreet little trysting spot in some hotel. I'm actually expecting this to be kind of sweet and touching. But no, Ray gets a gander at Molly, decides that he's coming down with something, and just leaves. Oh boy.
Cut to Jessica and the kids all getting manicures and chatting. Seems Darby's supposed psychological issues concern her sort-of ex-boyfriend, Hammer. (Many obvious jokes that I could make with that name, just pretend I did and keep reading.) She's all in a dither about what to do. Poor little girl with ugly hair and a bad wardrobe.
Suddenly, in walks Lenore, letting the cusswords fly on her cellphone. When Jessica asks her to tone it down in front of the kids (because apparently they don't get HBO), Lenore is not pleased. She puts her friend on hold, shoves one of her personal shopper business cards at Jessica, and says "if you ever want an outfit to match that stick up your ass, give me a call."
Over at Tanya's, Ray is soaking in her tub while she prepares various natural remedies that probably smell like glue. When she brings him the latest concoction, she actually turns her back so she won't see his pee-pee in the tub. Oh, come on, girl. You're going to be polite NOW? We know where that thing's been at least twice, and it wasn't Disneyland.
Tanya thinks Ray's "illness" is psychosomatic, that he just didn't want to entertain Molly because of the way she looks. He mistakenly says "she wasn't my type," which sends Tanya into a granola-fueled tizzy: "Happiness Consultants does NOT discriminate!" He finally grudgingly admits that maybe she's right.
Cut to the evil drive-in movie, where he is wearing a mask for his pretend illness while sitting with the kids, which makes their shame even greater. Suddenly, Darby sees Hammer walk by (how convenient for the plot!) and she races after him. Damon races after HER, and Ray follows HIM, probably because he realizes he shouldn't be sitting alone in a car at a drive-in while wearing a mask, or someone will think he is Jason and kill him with an axe.
There's a big shouting match at the concession stand, with Darby, Hammer, Damon and new slut-girlfriend all yelling rude things and looking angsty. It finally ends with Ray having to separate Damon and Hammer, Darby suddenly hating her brother and running off with Hammer, the slut-girlfriend presumably needing a ride home, and Ray holding Damon while he cries and says "sometimes life is just too much." Dude, at least you don't have a 401K. THAT's something to cry about.
Short meaningless scene where Ray is jogging (when did he start doing that?) and encounters creepy Floyd, who runs away shouting that Tanya "doesn't need a quitter." Go away, Floyd. And stay there.
Then Ray, despondent, finally grabs the pickle jar of money that the Future Farmers gave him after their fund raiser. He takes it to the hardware store, and anounces that he'd like to buy half a ceiling beam, because that's all he thinks he can afford.
So he and the perplexed cashier start counting out all the coins and dollar bills. There's not enough. They count again. (Side note, I think it should be a federal law that anyone standing in line BEHIND someone who insists on paying in change should be allowed to shoot that person.) Still not enough. Ray can't even afford half a beam.
Time to suck it up.
So he has another rendezvous with Molly, and this time she's the one not so sure about things. She thinks he should just go. But Ray has got to start taking control of his life. Ray: "Why don't we just relax? I'm a professional." Molly, starting to lose the glum expression and getting a gleam in her eye: "I wouldn't mind just looking at your penis." Awwww.
When Ray leaves, he finally rips the price tag off his suit. And calls Tanya.
Set up another one.
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